Hey Y'all

It has been a very long while.

Why?

dunno. no good answer. But maybe like all the breaks I take, they are designed to shed the hangers on, not the die hahds.

Life's strange. You know this. Anyone reading this has probably a few years on me or if not, you'll get there soon and know what I'm talking about.

My path is different.

Being different fucking sucks.

It means you can totally derail your day thinking about the fight you had with another kid in 6th grade and how all you want to do is find his all star athlete high school glory day fat ass and punch him square in the face.

But I won't. It won't fix anything. Won't help me. If i make it another decade or two it will just bother me the way the initial stuff does.

Things keep adding up, unaccounted variables. I try to keep doing what I can do, try to keep striving to be the best I can, falling short means I am hard on myself. no one else gives a shit if i do well or not, get it done well or not. The razor edge of my awareness. Uninfluenced by others, for good but mostly failing to meet my own standards, or the standards I see others seemingly easily achieve.

First blog back shouldn't be this, but it is. I've spent a couple months not drinking, absolutely no change, didn't lose weight, didn't feel any different, wasn't quite a tired, had a couple xtra dollars in my wallet (that I spent on burritos from Bagel Gormet) but no net positive change.

Not the best eh?

Could be worse.

Always could be worse.  And i'm still guilty and grateful that it isn't, but each of our burdens are our own, this is mine,

maybe I'll write more, more reuglarly.

but I might not, someone might make fun of my shitty spelling

heddwch
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Keynote-Talk with Frank Turner @ m4music 2017

I should use more words

But listen to this:

https://youtu.be/WB3IQMZm7CQ

this mother fucker gets it...

an absolute inspriration to me growing up...

his words, his novels...

i've been thinking a lot about that dude who died, the story i posted yesteday, if i spoiled it for you i'm sorry, i read it with hope that his ginger ass would succeed, but he didn't. Fueling. not enough fat, too many carbs.

life...

live like the inuits...  Mowat's whole convention...  if we don't we're doomed. And pretty much I can't disagree with him, we are.

still. even more so maybe in light of the politics of this fucked up nation we live in...

I should try and sleep, but oddly want to write, after listening to one of the absolute pillars of my formative years talk.

I do what i do. it is what it is. It is really for others. and hopefully i'll come to terms with it...  some day...

heddwch
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Still here

it has been a while, i know...

much to say, maybe soon. I almost wrote about the ride on sunday, maybe I will.

Things are different, busier than i could ever imagined, but fulfilling in a different way than before.

More alone and isolated but the introvert side is relishing it, and the absence of CX race socialization was surprisingly not missed... 

I took a bit more time than I should have and read this. Start to finish.

Fucking hell the New Yorker has long articles.  This one was worth it, esp since I didn't know how it ended... 

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/02/12/the-white-darkness

I'll be back, sooner maybe? I miss writing, even if it just the act of doing a web log centered around me. I mean what's the importance of me? That said there were moments of reading that essay that reminded me of the days of just trying to get to the 100 mile mark. Or riding all day in shitty weather, low on fuel and just trying to get home so I can stop. Riding through the heat of the summer with empty bottles hoping to get home before the worst happens. Incredibly minor personal threats, but being stubborn and wanting to finish alone and unassisted is kind of the same mental state.

Maybe that's where i'm at now, working more than ever for the same pay check but deliberately pushing on because that's what I do?

and I'm still at work... 

wrapping up or i'll never escape.

i hope the ice has melted. studded tire bike is at home...

heddwch
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Ugh

Everyone said "go to the cross race, you'll really regret it if you don't, you need to connect with friends"

Dumbest idea ever, waste of an afternoon. I don't regret hanging with those I was able to, seeing and reconnecting with good friends, more failure of other aspects.

I'm on sick a negative headspace right now that I should stop before I say more.

But I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more than disappointment from some people who I have everything to.

Should have stayed home.

Now to make dinner.

Good Bye Dear Sir

Pinacle of your birth year, standard bearer for your cadre.

You lived your life as a social worker, helping others till mandated retirement.

You kicked prostate cancer in the ass, lost your ass in the process and wore a shit bag for 17 years.

Freddie. I miss already miss you. Your wife is amazing, but you were special.

I'm failing writing beyond this...

never will i ever forget your sparkling eyes, your enigmatic smile, your love fore life and the love for the underdog.

the recognition that we fight against the exploiters every day, and every minor win should be seen as a victory...

I will forever miss your counsel.

grateful for the moments you shared with me... looking at your children I'm absolutely in awe and hope I can be as much a father to mine as you were to yours.

Rest in Peace Freddie...

we're gonna miss you terribly... but at least you don't have to suffer anymore of this Trump bullshit, maybe you're the lucky one.

your spirit will live through me, internally, and from me those i can reach, and through them you...

heddwch
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time ... POOF

between demos, de-installs and new installs...

this is about as much time as I have to write.

i also just finished lunch because sometimes the simplest shit gets time consuming and complicated.

haven't ridden the new bike since before CO

that's like a month almost

weird shit man

heddwch
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Ah a TBT

Almost clicked the "share this memory" button on face place...

but didn't,

I did read through it though,

this was the memory: http://velocb.blogspot.com/2015/10/when-bodies-hit-floor.html

and well, I smiled, that was a good race

On the ride in this morning I also had a pang of heart break as I remembered Chris M, and his hugs at MRC/Midnight Ride/Bolton Fairgrounds specifically the the FB memory tied in well with that ache

Missing him.



But hey lets toss something positive in here. Tomac. The Legend.

This is a great video to spend a few minutes watching.



heddwch
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Avoidance? or Unavoidable acceptance?

What you talking about now fool?

Me? Oh the normal.

Cyclocross.

What else is there to talk about in the fall?

What else do you do in the fall?

Checking in

Cross posting from here, can't seem to get image here from mobile app so click for photo

https://www.instagram.com/p/BZxVu0vjrKR/

It is intensely gorgeous here. I'm constantly trying to capture what is here, and feel like I'm failing to do more than collect the roughest of sketches. The scope and granduer of the San Luis Valley, the Rio Grande National Forest and all the surrounds is humbling.

We met two men riding bikes from Canada to Mexico along the divide trail while we were cutting wood up on Carnero Pass. One remarked it was such a needed escape from the state to the world. Humbling and heart warming to be reminded of the natural beauty, and the open and welcoming people you meet in person along such a journey.

Lots of words, many more photos not shared but maybe I'll find a place for those who want to see them. We've got a few more days of high altitude work, aside from getting winded a bit easily it is pretty nice here at 7,707'

Heddwch
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9/12 smackdoiwn report

seems that the delicate balance of a fast group ride with a handful of people and a range of abilities is too complicated for some to grasp, or it is a cocept that these new fast kids who found cycling, showed some talent, got a coach and a power meter seem to have never learned.

I'm no way in shape even two weeks ago as an odd peak in speed seemed to happen to stay in the lead group. We has a good second group together coming up Rocky hill and then the front group doubled back for some odd reason.

still wrestling with how to get them to get it. how to get them to realize that there is always someone who is the fastest in the group ride like smackdown and those who get dropped. However the fastest has a choice. They can look around and keep the pace high enough to keep a selection of fast riders together. The slowest can only hope to hang on a bit longer than the week before.

Regroup points are designed to allow the fastest to go hard and win the sprint points but then wait for those around that they dropped to get back on and get going again. Not to wait for the old tired slow out of shape non-racing big guy on the cyclocross bike.

I rolled up hillside abjectly and absolutely alone. And they were all hanging out. WTF leave me to my suffering...  ugh. I got dropped waiting for Mark, who never really showed up until Syl and I stopped completely at 152 to wait. He appeared and we rode back together.

Caroline and Burke took the shortcut through Wheeler, and i just didn't want to cut the course short, wanted to know what the metric was on the loop segment. More time alone.

The ride was good. I can feel a bit more strength coming back, I feel good and solid on the bike, just not as fast as I would like but fast enough that when things come together it is good.

CX practice took a bit of the edge off my legs this morning, as did a bit of the day, and a couple nights in a row with sub-optimal sleep and no down time at all.

But it was good, only a few more rides, gonna ruminate on how best to try and help the insanely fast kids figure out how to not be frustrated on the ride.

BB on the black blue is creaking differently now, maybe this crank (the older one) is starting to fail...  that's not ideal...  could just be the BB though, maybe the frame is dying...  It has a couple more rides at least perhaps. the new bike isn't going to be ready for duty and it will be CXy only and single speed for now.

I'm not trying to get fast enough to run the smackdown like I did for a while, I just want to help those who are fast enough to understand and get out of the ride what so many have in the past.

my brain is really tired right now, so is the body, maybe this bodes well for sleeping...  time to wash the salt off from the ride and unplug for a bit,

heddwch
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TAKIN TIME OFF HOLY CRAP

Booked some flights dude. Heading to ColoRADo for a week. With my brothers. All fahkin four of us dude.

Dad's not doing great, and yeah maybe we all need to spread it out but maybe that's next step, currently we'll all be there, together, do what we can do, gather firewood for the winter, help cook big piles of meals and freeze and portion them out, work on shit around the house for him, drink lots of cheap beer.

Not so much a vacation as a change of scenery but it will be a good thing.

This morning started way better than yesterday, shitty night sleep but oddly shitty, not for a good reason, just one weird dream, then randomly waking up. Nothing to pin it on. Got up earlier to try and make it to India Point Park for CX skills and drills with Marcus. Dani and David B where there when I finally rolled up later than planned. But still with plenty to do. Worked on some remounts with them, set up a mini-course with the cones I brought, did a handful of mini-races. Start, two laps, dismount and run up hill, first one with a wrong side off camber dismount to help figure out how to conquer that, then a longer run with require shouldering of the bike. I did the latter one a couple times, on road tires, stating on grass and dirt with slicks kind of don't work, spun the tires a bit and the turns are less than confidence inspiring with 28s and 80psi.

Felt good to open up the lungs and sprint up hill with the bike.

Just got an email with order confirmation from Trek saying the crockett is ON THE WAY, shit i better order the cranks. Lighting fire to the credit card this week i guess, not cheap ticket to CO, bike, cranks and other bits to make it work...  oof, oh well, it is only money. At least there are still bikes to build. But that season is winding down slowly...  but IIRC by this time last year I was done at the other shop, this one should keep rolling for a bit longer, they may cut enough other staff that maybe I'll stay on even longer than I am anticipating. We'll see.

Okay, I've snacked and written enough, fixed one issue, waiting for call back from service engineers on two more. Productive but relaxed morning and words that aren't grumpy and dark for a change.

SMACKDOWN TONIGHT, and well, Dani is back and she's going to be there and she's going to rip everyone's legs off. Very likely looking like there'll be two groups. Hopefully big Eian will be there and I can motorpace a bit.

as always: we'll see

heddwch
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had an idea

how about I don't write at night and don't post...

if I write then leave it as a draft, edit in the morning when everything is fresh and new and awesome THEN post.'

idea i seem to like.

except i'm posting this in opposition to that concept...

smackdown tomorrow, we'll see if I can craft a web log of a bike ride after the fact...

be well, do good, spread peace

heddwch
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Some mornings are slower than others

53°F was a bit cold at normal departure time. I am not sure where my knee warmers are, or where the knickers went after I wore them in July. Arm warmers accidentally got taken out of my bag at work on Friday.

So I waited until it warmed up just a touch.

Headed north, into the wind.

this rock caught the corner of my eye, the reflection and the concentric ripples mixing with the waves lapping the shore. The reflection was much bettter from up on the path but needed to get close to capture it, so I turned around, scrambled down to the water's edge and caught a few seconds of it...

a moment of zen (if video doesn't work check the instagram story for the next 24 hr or so)

a driver did a stupid pass and i got angry and asked him what he was doing, and well now he knows what a sharrow means and that the signs that say bikes may use full lane aren't just there to collect stickers and graffiti....  and I forgot about this till now...

moment of zen, revisit, calm,

not working really well honestly

trying to pull myself together...  had a morning cancellation so that's not actually helping either. the little bits of busy work aren't doing a great job of distracting me.

And then the few moments of catching stuff on the social medias it is quad cross, maybe more disturbed that I'm not feeling like I wished I was there.

And yeah, I made a few edits to the late night web log post from last night...  a couple have read it but best to re-read it with a more clear headed edit...

Not that i changed much of anything...

maybe i need to force myself to go sit on the SEM and look at a few samples that I processed last week...  it has been months since I've sat down to do anything Nanoscape related.

maybe today is a good day to start.

heddwch
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working on the last beer

in the house is probably not the best way to start a blog post,
nor is trying to read through GoT and getting to the part where Robb and his mom are killed and it seems Ary is too?

I dunno, I hate this book more than most any I've read but some how I keep reading it, maybe a cue as to how much I work to try and fit in, that's the couple beer in truth of the matter I suppose. I've always wanted to fit in, always felt excluded...

perils of the introverted extrovert or is it the extroverted introvert, who knows, mostly who cares...

it has been a productive weekend building bikes, i wish there was joy to be found in funding my soon to be shipped bike. But then yesterday instead of racing cross like everyone else I was building a couple Boone 5s and god damn those wheels SUCK (the are what ship with the Crockett I'm getting), holy shit are they heavy.....  fuck....  guess i can ride em for a year until i can afford some Bontrager nice wheels... not these things...  hell i'd build my own with some cheap chinese carbon but, nah, cost more than buying nice shit from the big T.

I'm good but a little not good.

Functional vs internal.

When was the last time I didn't drive up to Maynard to race at Quad cross? WHEN? Fuck I don't want to look at crossresults, libel to make me even more depressed....

Bikes are out of sorts anyway. No knobbies have been ridden since RdR and the RRRR and even then one got flat and the others only made it part of the ride...

CX is happening yet i'm not engaged.

A not insignificant part has seemed to recognize that I gave everything... too much? Yeah I still like it, resonates and Mikey F's comments in Pure Sweet Hell are true, to this day, but, me in the continually giving everything mode accidentally lost my mojo, did it just take a couple years to realize it? or in the years since losing it i've lost it by looking?. That last phrase is most likely true. Once i felt i needed to start looking for it, well it eluded me and has since. Makes sense. I pushed and forced and tried to make it happen,,, and drove the joy away...

my head is a mess,

i'm a mess...

am i ok? yeah i'm fine. I know I am blessed, I'm a lucky knucklehead, and that actually makes it all worse, or if not worse less easy to deal with

but i'll go to bed, won't read any more of this GoT (and to think the guy who wrote Tuff Voyaging wrote this fucking shit?) will just try and sleep and wake up, as I seem to do everyday with optimism, hope and enthusiasm...

I guess it is a good thing that I do really like the work I get paid to do...

tomorrow... new day....

heddwch
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(yeah, I may read this after coffee in the morning and edit the fuck out of it, but i'm writing this to suggest to myself tomorrow that maybe we leave it as a placeholder to the very temporal state of mind, despite how bias it may be)

(AM note yeah i edited it a little)

Well today didn't go as planned

Build bikes

Change oil in Volvo

Replace kitchen sink faucet

that last one wasn't on the list.

Last night i noticed a pile of water on the floor mid-through dinner.

A dripping off the counter. "Man I must have splashed way more water than I thought"

nope...

oh shit there is puddling under the faucet. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SERVICE THIS? Damnit "must be cheap, can't get handles off can't replace valve seats, damn DPO and disposo stuff"

Wake up, wash all the dishes, look at stuff on options at Home Depot....

Call brother on the way "get a Delta or American Standard, DO NOT get a Pfister (yeah lets not talk about fisting her) or a glacier bay, oh by the way, our dad fell yesterday again, had to call 911, couldn't get up, but he's okay"

Another comment "If you get it installed with one trip to the big orange box store then you're lucky, never has happened before."

Spoiler: ONE TRIP FTW!

Got what I needed, out the door at under $100, used everything I bought, works really well.

Nothing to return no need to go back...

until...  i had the old one out, noticed some etching on the backside, took a bit to decode it, Grohe, hmmm made in Germany...  awe shit....  what did i just do, Fucking Germans, designing shit that you can't fix unless you know the secret double handshake mechanical way they are put together (aka VW ALH TDIs)....  HEY LOOK IT ACTUALLY CAN BE SERVICED AND FIXED.... fuck...

spent an hour waffling between crawling back under the sink and taking it all back apart and returning the faucet and stuff....  then searched for this particular seal (fucking crazy rubber seal, not just a rubber washer and unobtanium on the internets) but you can by the ceramic cartridge for $20-$40....  each, and they were both leaking. And after taking the hot water side out, well that side is scaled up close to 50% of the diameter of the internal plumbing.

Could fix?

yes.

There are elements to this new one I like way more than the old one. And it has lower GPM flow (saves $$) so...  yeah I'll keep the old one, maybe use it for something down the road, It is solid, heavy and the ceramic valve things are cool.

But instead of building bikes and making $$ or getting the oil to do the oil change on the Volvo today, I was a plumber.

But we did make it to the Clam Shack on their last night open in Riverside.

Fish sandwich. Honestly? really fucking good. a bit salty, but i'll just drink some more water.

Had a bit of uncontrolled anxiety, wife texted "landed" then a bit later nothing so I replied "status" and got a "still on the plane" then nothing....  plan was to silverline then MTBA to PVD...  but nothing, email, twitter, text, phone, unresponsive...

fuck...  sure easy answer is "battery is dead" but other options are far scarier, you know stolen phone, lost phone, left on plane, i'll leave off why these are all really scary options.

I tried to read a book, nope, brain was not having it...  got a rando call...  actually answered it, she was at the PVD train station. She actually used a public pay phone to call me. How about that.

End? yeah, phone wouldn't take a charge anywhere, battery would charge out of a particular outlet but not phone (voltage requirements for specific transformers likely) and it was just dead, not lost/stolen/compromised.

Oh but between that more plumbing shenanigans (i fixed them too, w/o trip to orange box store)....

Pedal? Nope. Not for a couple days.

Should be well rested for Smackdown tomorrow. But super tied up all day, no chance of finding some fancy function to drink 7.8% abv pints before like last week. Hopefully big Eian will be there and I'll drink lots of water to be hydrated and maybe I can get close to last weeks anomaly.

oddly completely jacked right now, wide afuckingwake....  wish I could find some blog that puts me to sleep the way this one does to solobreak.

even then...  attention span runs short and i look for other things or brain won't let me chillax...

current status the latter.  ca

deleting so many twitter responses tonight, so many... fixating on one that lumped alt-right and alt-left (literally wtf) and Nazi and Anti-Fascists  together as all bad... and my brain hurts, my heart hurts and I want the punch the fuck out of that guy (of course it is a guy but well, i got into a discussion with a not guy suggesting that the violence was a problem - fine but then lets call BLM terrorists but not the Alt-Right).... I MEAN WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK...  PRETTY SURE NEARLY ALL OF THE DOMESTIC TERRORIST EVENTS ARE DONE BY ALT-RIGHT NAZI LEANING WHITE DUDES

le sigh...  so some Antifa folks get a bit violent, did THEY drive the car into the crowd killing people?
a
Nope...

so tempted to tweet that to this particular individual...  but....

sigh...

i'm kind of going to be the cynic and guess this asshole wrote that JUST to go viral...

Oh and while working on sunday I remembered what I thought I forgot...  referencing the edited comment from saturday night, the one where I didn't remember, but I remember...

It was better not remembering....

although I pretty much have daily reminders....

unrelated: I've been listening to WBRU.com way more while not driving, maybe compensating for not listening while driving? Downside? repetition. Upside? I KNOW ALL THE LYRICS AND CAN SING ALONG (in my head)....

Tomorrow is going to be here WAY too soon and WAY too early and i'm not ready for it...

Hey at least I wore eye protection while replacing the kitchen faucet, nothing fell in my eyes this time.

I was gonna crack another mini-beer (aka 12 oz) but i had a pint of water and will sign off and attempt sleep.

be well,

do good,

think of others,

punch Nazis,

and

heddwch
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COFFEE TIME

Woke up, finished loading the dishwasher, made coffee, edited last night's ramblings.

Wasn't comfortable with a few of the things, felt some needed more explanation so I made a pile of edits.

Going to finish some coffee...  contemplate a second cup or just head to the bike shop before I need another one and make some there...

want to get some steaks coated in a dry rub of spices so we can make some steak tacos tonight. started soaking some adzuki beans as well.

Ah hell, coffee is gone, still a bunch to do here at home before heading in to work. Best make another cup of coffee, that or start drinking beer, but not before work.

Also shit, I need to order the cranks for the bike still...

contemplating gearing though, 34T is so small, but since it wears out more quickly I can just wait to replace it with a bigger size, and maybe i should try running a gear closer to the 2.0 magic people talk about than the 2.7 gear ratio i tend to race SSCX on. I def can't get out of the corner as quickly, with it but it is great on the straights but usually by then It is too late...  34x15 (2.26) is what i'm currently thinking, a bit light for the road, but probably good for the woods, and if i have to spin, i will, at least it will help with the aerobic capacity to move my legs faster. I know the torque is still there, esp cranking around on the 44x16 (2.75) commuter. I've heard people call 36x16 (2.25) magic sooo...  also Myerspace complained of having too tall of a gear for the SSCX National championship, the lighter geared folks got moving from the start faster and faster out of the corners. Maybe I'm not too old to change...  gear philosophy.

And then hey - Shimano doesn't sell the 1x11 XT crank with rings (on the Industry pro deal page) so maybe i'll be able to go with bigger ring anyway....  AND NOW kind of thinking maybe get an XT crank and put it on the White blue, but that would be just sitting around I'm guessing and maybe I just need to find some tall kid who needs a CX frame and get rid of it.

So yes, while i've actually pulled the trigger on the new bike, I don't have it fully figured out yet. Of course.

Over. Think, EVERYTHING!

best to step away from the computer and get back to doing shit so I can go to work.

heddwch
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post b-day musings

I guess at some point you stop getting a birthday greeting by your wife in the morning and stop getting birthday cards in the mail completely.

I hit that this year.

Yes. I've tried to reverse the abjectly negative impact my birthday has for years. Years.

Finally all chips in gonna take charge of my 40th, the milestone so many others celebrate and one i've participated in numerous times, I mean at that point my wife said, look i don't know your friends if you want a big party go ahead and plan it. So I started to and my little sister fucks it up. BIG TIME. Actually made it even worse.

if possible. but understandably possible,

because it is my birthday and it pretty much always sucks.

always has...  i mean sometimes I think it might be great, but before I fall asleep it goes sideways, every. fucking. year.

yeah, that one in cali - at my grandmother's house, fancy fire truck birthday party, i was ignored so hard core despite all the kids there that I still remember it 40+ years later partly my own fault I suppose, I was shy, didn't really want to be by was. Already internally conflicted before I turned 6.

Having 3 brothers with birthdays mid-year and big parties with all their friends didn't help this life long depression around the this day. It helps understand and i dunno, I hold nothing against them or anyone, hmm maybe carrying all the blame myself is a problem. Anyway, my birthday was always before school started. And was just before school started, and just before Bumbershoot, gotta prep for festival, booth, harps, music, practice, concerts... always overshadowed, but you understand right GeWilli? yeah, i get it, then, now, 6 years ago, always.

But seriously so fucking strange, not to get a single card in the mail. Or not. Remarkable only for the fact that it has never happened before. Actually kind of entertaining to be honest, it makes me chuckle.

A new milestone, a first.

it was a bit depressing getting the mail and seeing nothing but junk or bills...  But then Labor day and back to school and shit, 'You understand right GeWilli?"  I mean I shouldn't care, right? i'm def getting used to it and rolling with it in stride...

and in reality? Why should I give a shit if almost no one recognizes my birthday, at least my Mother remembers. As one might hope, birth is traumatic, a remarkable event. At least it was before drugged induced painless birth.

I started off this whole thing with a point, but I think I lost it.

Probably for the best.

Talked to Frankie McC today while he was picking up Brendan's bikes, Jason was putting in the BB on both bikes. It was good, kind of an extra affirmation that i'm doing the right thing stepping away this season.

I identified a key element to the struggle, yet not sure how to address it, and not sure I even want to post it here as even though I know it is legit and true it feels pretty shitty given all my blessings... (but now editing it this comment is too cryptic even for me to remember what I was referencing- oops)

(and removed, not even saved a draft about that meeting pre-amble - so if you did read it well we're the only ones who remember it, it needed way too much editing to fix and explain emotions and i was less clear about department divisions than i should have been, as always gewilli stands alone, an outlier, not part of a group, that's the easiest way to put it)

In the deleted section I talked about being very intrinsically motivated to be the best at my job that I get paid to do, even if it is a bit lonely as an outlier, you think I'd be used to that now. Call it the Introvert/Extrovert conflict/tension within myself. With GeWilli expectations...

maybe that's what's making not racing easier, I know have no intrinsic gift to go fast, never had, and even at my peak in 2013 it was so extrinsically motivated (until I blew up the sub patellar bursa and lost a few weeks later)  i'm really happy not dealing with the stress of knowing i'll get lapped given current fitness. I've had enough of that. I'm looking forward to the new bike, maybe finding a SSCX race to jump in just to pin a number on.

Mostly looking forward to just riding. Assuming I can make that happen. I keep thinking "yeah I'll start doing more than commuting this week" only to be confronted with the "hey dude what the fuck are you thinking hahahahaha"

With my wife in Disneyland having fun with her friends rubbing salt in the wounds of not really having any friends to hang out with and not having more than one or two days off since December... I mean I guess I have friends but no time to hang out? that's the positive way to spin it, even if hanging out digitally seemed to work in the past before something or other... I've got responsibilities now that go beyond me, and that's okay. Makes the internal conflict tolerable and is why I wake up in the morning ready to go and to get shit done. Once I have coffee, and a few minutes of quiet time.

at least no one reads this much anymore...  sending the best and warmest wishes to all y'all who still manage to follow this bullshit i write about. I'll try and start riding more so I can talk more about pedaling and less about mental state and struggles that shouldn't be struggles given what so many are going through...

be well,

heddwch,
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deep space, can you hear me?

drifting like major tom...

feeling at least,

i'm pretty fucking exhausted after the last couple days...

today wasn't much better, or was significantly worse...

i'm aware of my blessings, but somehow cursed with the awareness of my shortcomings and failings...  guess which carry more weight in my being?

could have been okay if first thing I heard today was "Happy Birthday" but no I heard "can you make me an omelette pocket?" yes of course...  i can and will and...  not trying to martyr but just being open and honest

maybe too honest, and maybe I shouldn't say that today would have been perfect if i'd heard the greetings sometime before i left for the retreat. Sometime before BG texted me in the late morning.

Yeah, everyone else had big things going on, first day of 7th grade and all...  and that's awesome, I def don't want to take anything away from that.

but i'm fucking exhausted and still awake (been up since 5 am it is closer to 11 pm than I would like) .

my oldest did make a wonderful dinner, with significant consultation help from me though, but i respect the fact that one must ask those who know when you don't...  it was very satisfying.

i shut down my FB wall, didn't want people posting there, granted it is usually one or two but they all know how to contact me off of FB so let them.

I got a wonderful email from TD today, helpful, and positive and good...  def was what kept the scales from tipping wildly out of balance... that and the beer at lunch perhaps...  and the sheer exhaustion preventing me from being able to even emotionally give much more than a tiny shit.

where to go?

forward, ever forward, never straight....

the next good number of days are going to be tough,

but hey, not like the last 9-20 months have been easy...  should be a piece of cake.

yeah, sorry TD, I know, I know, i'm blessed, i've been gifted the choicest of all, but the white guilt, the awareness of the success of my peer group relative to me (shit they all have fancy cars, some even have a cabin) i know i'm happy with the choices I've made, i can live with them in peace but doesn't reduce my awareness...

stupidly negative for today, so totally just hands in the air like we don't care at this point...

even the TSP gang overlooked it....

all i can be thankful for is that I'm not drinking more than a sixpack tonight, and there's two left. I'd crush them but tired, finding odd restraint. Not sure who I am anymore.

best of luck to you all...  i'm going to do what I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other, content with being ignored, 40+ yrs of experience is helpful in that regard.... life...

it is what we have and is all we've got....

peace,
but i like it in welsh so much better:
heddwch,
G

Why still awake

I feel an odd ethereal detachment. Tired but not sleepy.

Strange.

Smackdown was equally confusing did not expect to make the first group. Despite the five pints of Foolproof farm house ale at the retreat, and then neglecting to bring a water bottle, some how I survived.

Perhaps I'll have time to work tomorrow.

Now thinking, well maybe I should sleep.
Tomorrow I break the streak. I break it not for love or money or sex but for work and to continue another streak.

But damn, I have to wake up really early and get moving sooner than I like. I just hope it is done raining when it is time to ride. We need the rain, weeks without may be fine for me, not so much for the plants. But still riding to a new venue, not showing up like a drowned rat would be good.

Heddwch
G