So much for sleep

found some dumb edited movie on the sub OTA channels again. A segal film this time, it is terrible, and Kris Kristofferson is a bad guy. Rubber Ducky? a bad guy? For real? damn.

i'm totally being a terrible athlete. Kill myself on the bike and then unable to sleep to maximize benefit. At least I made a big giant pile of food. Got stuff to eat.

meeting tomorrow night got moved to Wed night, so smackdown? yeah that ain't gonna happen. But tomorrow is G'ster opening reg. Who's gotta reg? me. Duh. Burnt out crushed like a 2 week old cigarette butt on the road. there ain't much left right now.

"Could be because I'm a bad shot, could be because I'm a good shot and I jsut wanted you to meet Tyrone." Cinematic poetry

Stuff you can learn, stuff you just know.

Good thing this idiot box movie is over, i can stop talking to myself through this thing.

Am I crazy? Fuck yeah. But have I lost it? Nope. Not yet. Despite the efforts of, ah i better chill, bite my tongue.

Every once in a long while I get a few words that make a difference.

Every once in a while I manage to get out and destroy myself on the bike. I'm a better sailor, i can read the wind, see the currents and know what to do with the rudder and the sheets. I'm better in a shell, a skull, i'm no good in  a pair, or a four/quad or eight, no... but give me my own blades...  the water bubbling off the bow, the silent slip into the water the swing, the glide. Those things made sense. Chemistry made sense. But then stuff that was easy and stuff that I was good at were never oddly enough to get me focused when I needed to be focused. What do i say? I went to the school i went to because they had the 3-2 pogram. who knos about that anymore. But then when i got there I wound up studing plants.

hit home today talking to a post doc "I have great hands, a terrible bedside manner, I should have been a surgeon, i'm going to be 40 soon, i'm still a post doc."

riding, eyes bleeding behind a med student, got me thinking... where would I be now if i wasn't so plant focused, so hell bent on maize development. Full disclosure, interview at UPenn went poorly, why? because i was resistant to the idea of working with drosophila or mice...  just wanted to work with plants. Lots of good it did me. Except it pushed me into doing what I am better at, the mechanical side of things, the artistic expression using microsocpes and the teaching. Stuff. Life. Why am i working 3 jobs? Because...

And why am I awake at 12:45am? I have to work tomorrow! Oh right, just me alone. With the dogs.

They are sleeping better than I am despite hanging out at home all day.

 But back to a few words that make a difference.

Thank you, are two of them...  heart is reaching out... a few others.

thank you...  those words...

i say sorry too much, thank you as much but no one complains about the thank yous, but everyone says 'stop saying sorry'

it may be a few hours before i have to wake up, but this is kind of key...

or not...

or i'm so deleriously tired i have no idea what I'm saying. But hey. I haven't really talked to anyone for days or longer. but hey it is what it is.

hey did you know that they have movies that are on the rabbit eat TV all night? I didn't. Better turn it off. may not be an athlete but damn i gott be pro tomorrow.
You get what i'm saying, yo?

or no. if no, well buy me a beer and i'll explain in detail. not drinking much lately, but still oddly awake.

it'll work out.

Noon tomorrow is gonna be crazy.

Supah crazy.

till then, me with heavy heart

heddwch
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