Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
My battle maybe you know more about than most, but at times I think perhaps even you the most dedicated web log follower may be missing some key elements of understanding. It might get dark but part of the sharing of the darkness has been a valuable tool in acknowledging it and being able to move forward. Under my own power.
Did you watch that film yet? Stop. Go back, take the 9 min, watch it. Life is here waiting and you'll be richer for it.
I had a talk about that darkness. About this place, about my drive to put words up. About who my audience is.
What are my motivations for writing this. What is the goal.
I have some answers, some I have none, some are more border line unknown that I would like.
Who? It is true some of the regulars are dear close friends. Like seriously, can't really underscore how much I value that, these individuals. That you've stuck around here, through the process, sending a text or an email, commenting, saying hey in person if that is an option. I treasure that. From the outside looking in I have a lot of friends, I genuinely love people, but rarely let anyone get close, I'd prefer to be alone than in a crowd while at the same time longing for community. I'm both too talkative and awkwardly and uncomfortably quiet. Overconfident and way too shy. So yeah anyway, thank you my friends. I appreciate you.
What is the point indeed. Haven't posted much about food. Haven't been making more new things. Haven't needed to document the standbys. Maybe that means the repertoire is substantial enough finally, after 30+ years of cooking, maybe so. Maybe not.
I'm still struggling with the lose, with the implication, with the finality. He was my father.
We all look the same, not quite like him, none of us as thick, our mother took the edge off that element and also gave us height, but we're all very much his sons. He had three wives and in the end was alone.
But I think he did hold on until we were there, and he was able to say good bye even if some of us (me) weren't able to do that. And then once he was alone it was time. I think maybe he probably would have struggled to hang on if we all had stayed on and on. And that we were there, and left, gave him the peace and comfort to let go.
A friend, one of the best humans I know, but don't know all that well, but well enough? was here from PDX visiting and saying good bye to his father, as I had. We shared a very special lap, talking together on the pre-ride. At one point I noticed a huge stack of people behind us, but surprisingly they gave us some space, let us have that moment uninterrupted. So whomever was riding behind us, either being aware of what we were talking about, or just out of luck or the fact that it wasn't possible to pass, whatever the reason, thank you.
Back to the top, another thing to mention. I do filter what I write. Some of you have caught some edits, variations or deletions. Deliberate obfuscation to the point where the meaning might be lost to everyone else, except me. And even then there's probably a handful out there that would get it. Okay maybe one or two. Ultimately it is just me writing to no audience.
very much just vox clamantis in deserto... my familiarity of the phrase stemming from Edward Abbey, not the other sources.
Edward Abbey, one of those authors I would not have discovered on my own when I did w/o my father's influence. He had a great book case and we read lots of his books. He read a lot of books, and then he switched to mostly newspapers and magazines, but even then he still read, and read and read. and created.
But yes, I do feel at times like I'm just shouting in the wind. Voice drowned out by the hurricane of hate and conflict and entrenched habits and routines, dogma of habituation transformed slowly to the demise of humans.
There is beauty out there. Find it. Share it. Help others, lift them up.
And about that paying it forward. Literally do that. But don't do the whole buying someone in line behind you their coffee, they may or may not need it and it is a nice gesture, but maybe ask someone outside the coffee shop who doesn't have a coffee and looks like they could use a coffee or a bagel, buy them something. Give something to someone who isn't asking for it but looks like they need it. That's way harder but ultimately the most appreciated.
Like that sausage on Sunday night at Noho, everyone's packing up. I was given one and cried over it. I had given up on trying to get food just focused on task at hand.
Things like that stick in the memory and fuel the soul. But really you need to find your comfort level, it isn't wrong to take care of yourself. But too many people use the "self care" as a way to justify excluding or hurting (incidentally) others.
Life's pretty strange for some of us. We don't fit in like some of the others. We do things differently, sometimes we find a place where out strengths are of value and use, and sometimes we can find a place where we can follow our passion. Sometimes we're not complete...
I keep coming back to that privileged white dude in the woods in Mass. That one quote I posted on my birthday. The one that still wrecks me to this day. About standing and looking towards the other islands... gratitude is important.
Some of you may have been following Jill Homer's blog, her books and her story, She lost her dad suddenly this summer. Finally is back more on SM. And posting daily gratitudes on Instagram. Worth the time, if not to help her expand the appreciation but also to help focus your life, perhaps you don't need more gratitude, but it is also another way to deal with grief. Still right now, while waning, that gratitude is keeping me afloat.
And to fully wrap it up.
Even I don't know quite what battle i'm fighting, so if you don't mind, be kind.
As always: Amor Fati Motherfuckers
heddwch
G
No comments:
Post a Comment