where did it go

 The weekend that is? 

worked on bikes  yesterday, today plans changed by unclear communication and failure to secure proper resources. so we went grocery shopping instead.

meant no dirt church but maybe not the worst because i'm tired. and still negative, test, mental outlook is still pretty positive and that's kind of a surprise.

finished Heretics of Dune, churning through those massive tomes in audio format works better. So tired that my eyes couldn't tell if something was an 18 or a 13 on a curved bottle in the store. Not great lighting but no matter where i put it i just couldn't quite make it out. Kind of terrifying to be honest. 

Was scrolling through IG and hit a big swatch of people on bikes, racing, photos by friends who shoot some races this weekend and i'm looking at all these people and they all look foreign to me. Somehow my identity has shifted? Dunno, was just weird. 

Crank fell off again last week, not sure what to do or how to fix or what. Have the SSMTB to use, perhaps that's something to think about riding more of. I dunno though. Need to kick start something, somehow. 

mentally just also tired. physically too. I got a good hour or two working outside, doing small things like pulling up the invasive english ivy, perhaps my new goal is to eradicate it from my yard. Noble and impossible  but something to do. in the sun and outside. 

it is strange, current feeling that is. No real Fomo from the weekend, lots of riding and racing and fun shit happening and I just went to build bikes and supposedly building a compost bin but that didn't work out well. 

I forgot that greasy joes gravel is next weekend, probably will skip it, but maybe skipping this weekend means I should give the smackdown another attempt. hang out  in the B group perhaps, form a C group, drift back into the what the hell am i doing group. Maybe it will rain again. 

Dunno really, feels like a strange crossroads at the moment. except no roads except the path I walked to get here.  can't go back though, that's the past, there are stories and memories but any fork in the road i didn't choose then is long gone, washed away by the weathering of time. 

Still mostly governed by this  new fatalistic awareness of finality. Still pretty crippling at times. The urge to purge grows, but then I have a weird mind that each object becomes a trigger for a specific memory and that object becomes a memory and if I purge the object so too the memory. But then when cerebral function ceases, well, those go as well. 

Have to work on figuring that out, that how to  survive with this mental state, has the potential to be self destructive, but at least no desire to ever go back to the ways prior to 2018... closing in on 4 years ago, 4 years ago  in a few days I started one last month long bender of epicness. Epic only in so much as to how much i was physically capable of consuming. 

Need to fall back on gratitude, more than just a crutch, but still feels more like a splint than a solution. 

I should really get on with cooking dinner. Much more food to make and I'm tired, weary. Need a vacation, like a real one maybe this time, is that even possible for me? Haven't really had one in so long I have no concept in recent memory. 

well

till next time

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
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