still want to

 figure out how to play the fucking guitar.

violin brain makes it nearly impossible, but I also haven't really tired.

but hearing this guy cover GAI's 'If I go, I'm going' makes me want to

So yeah, I want to play guitar, take black and white film photos again, set up the dark room, get an actual black and white digital camera, and probably a whole hell of a lot of other things. 

Winning a CX race isn't there. being fast enough not to get lapped is always a goal, but one that maybe I don't care so much about. And if I don't care so much about that maybe I just need to forget it and stick with MTB'n? 

It's been a solid struggle on many fronts lately. Everything is okay, ish. but SO many moments of frustration and deflation that it just is kind of a throw my hands up and walk away for a while. 

My dad (his estate now i guess - aka me and my brothers) have a massive parcel of land between the BLM land and the main road into Saguache. Chatting with one of my brothers last night I thought maybe I should build a small bike shop there, and get a skid steer and learn how to make a pump track... it isn't super close to Salida tho. Kind of in the middle of no where, kind of flat, not much to build big jumps or free-ride stuff without making tall structures. And flat means maybe it won't work like the Post Office pumptrack. 

it is an idea that seems kind of fun, but also totally in the lines of how to end up with a million dollars owning a bike shop, start with two million. 

Got me thinking about Colorado. 

And my dad.

And then a combination of the day and the week and then the bivalent booster kicked my ass and I got in bed at 8:30 after doing dishes. 

I'm still tired. Everything is still overwhelming and stressfull and there really isn't anything anyone can help with or anything I can let go of. I'm already not racing this weekend.

But maybe I might find some escape on the bike on Friday. fingers crossed it works. even if it does involve getting on a train.

We'll see... 

sigh

heddwch
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And yeah, I'm okay, I'm just feeling overwhelmed.