The most tears

 today...

but honestly even with holding it in check a bit..  it was the most

last time i called the vet (for Lucy) i could barely get the words out, today i choked up and struggled but E had started the phone inquiry but couldn't' finish so I did...

Charlie had a seizure last night, about 8:35pm

She hadn't had her gabapentin yet, last dose was 12 hrs before. But it was more of an analgesic dose, not a full anti-seizure dose. 300mg every 12 hrs (she was 50 pounds).

Last night she recovered, mostly, got her pill, was having trouble walking a little, lots of limb weakness. But seemed more her self...

We think she had another seizure last night about 2:45am. But it had passed before anyone got to her, but the amount of saliva and fluid near her mouth was consistent with the previous one. 

After a bit she settled and L went to sleep on the couch near her. That's how they were when i came downstairs this morning, the two buddies that sleep together, have slept together for years now.

Charlie got up, went out side, pooped, peed, ate breakfast, got her meds. But there was only one pill left, so call to the vet once right when they opened to refill the prescription.

Got off the phone and not 5 min later she had another seizure. 

This one was full fighting snarling teeth barred scary evil dog massive tremor and convulsion. It subsided and then she took a few minutes to come back to herself, and then got up panting and walking in left handed circles, drank some water, but just wandered around, Millie was in the living room and they got nose to nose and started barking and snapping at each other, not good.

E called in saying she was going to be late (only one car at home) and she tried to make the call to the vet but gave me the phone and that was hard... harder taking her in. she wanted to walk around in the sun, but she was moving so slowly, a little unsteady, did NOT want to go into the vet... but her lungs were so full of tumors that her chest cavity was misshapen (from this photo 6 months ago or whenever it was taken), and yeah, probably starting impacting brain function, her breathing has been really labored lately...

it was time to say good bye.

it is so fucking hard.

to make that call.

to say yes, thank you sweet dog but you're suffering and this is the best for you, even though it means the end of you.

And well, fuck, y'all know where my head's been a lot lately so, yeah, this isn't great. 

But I'm okay. I'm sad as hell. I'm suppressing my emotions again, just to be functional. 

Charlie lived her best life with us. And she loved us as only dogs can, and we loved her back.

I'm not sure what else to say. 

she was a good dog

heddwch
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