Had another I'm an idiot moment

 As in what the FUCK am I doing even thinking about lining up for the Singlespeed Championship race tomorrow?

Like as in Seriously. W.T.F!

Been feeling this on and off, posted a story yesterday in response to Richard Sachs post after his race. Everything he said resonated, 

My direct comment was:
1:I'm feeling a lot of what RS is talking about
2: Gut tells me my race on Saturday will be similar
3: Heart and optimism felt like signing up was the right thing
4: My kid had a regatta here earlier in the year: that intersection of Rowing and Cyclocross/cycling is a place that's just special
5: Saturday will be here and gone soon, bit I won't be wondering what if I had signed up, I will know [for certain] that it will have been the wrong choice or the infinitesimally small chance of being the best.

There are 100 people signed up to race the event. Crossresults has me finishing 93rd. So I guess all I really have to do is finish in front of 7 people to have the algorithm be accurate.

How many laps will I get in? 2 probably, can I make it 3? I hope so. All 4 (projected, maybe the course will be so fast tomorrow afternoon and they'll get 5 laps in). But if they get 5 in, I still may not make more than 2 laps.

Why? I'm starting in 93rd place is my guess. Somewhere around there. Unless something crazy happens or there's some unique call up thing. And just spent the time to compare the call up points and the Crossresults points. They seem pretty different. CX points seem more accurate compared to the actual results but even there not totally in line.

I just dumped a bunch of accumulated angst on twitter - accidentally outed some of my core uncertainties in this thread. Not going to rehash here. But maybe I should. 

Kind of afraid to in some ways. 

Had a note from one of the local "Kids" he's a grad student and he said I deserve to be there as much as anyone else. And he's right. I do. I have different goals than the front end of the race. I am racing myself. I am racing those around me. I am racing the course.

I am showing up tomorrow because the "why did I do that," is much easier to live with than the "I wish I had." And part of me feels like maybe I've been underperforming this season. Crosstobeerfest and the calf injury. Recovering from that injury attenuated the fitness going into Really Rad and add to it the insane heat and the crazy 4 fields in the race and starting 2-3 min after the UCI Jrs. Then showing up over-geared and cold and tired to Secret Squirrel, and crashing (my thumb still isn't 100%). Then Ice Weasels in the rain and mud and zero warm up and 4+ hours driving.

And now... Checking HRV every morning this week, it is average not good or excellent or athlete level. Have been falling right asleep tho, so that's been nice, but maybe a sign that the fatigue load I'm carrying is unsustainable? Or my bedtime routine is working? Who knows.

Does it matter? Maybe, maybe not.

Tomorrow will be here soon. I'll get up, drink coffee, do my little mental routine with Worldle, Quordle and Wordle, take a shit, make some food, load the car, drive to Hartford. Make sure I go Route 6 to 395 so I can use the service center to empty my bladder instead of some deserted random place along the road. Get there, head out on the bike and ride down, check the course conditions, pre-ride. Make adjustments, make final call on what to wear, head down and race.  And yeah at this point it looks like I'll go solo, just me. No team. It is normal now. Almost preferred but always I'm a paradox. I think my favorite years were when I wasn't going to races alone. Going with Curtis, or MLFN, or any of the other folks who shared in the experience but also made not complicated because it was different, but not alone. That paradox is still there in me, wanting to be alone but not alone. Does it have to do more with keeping it simple and being able to do your thing, but then at the same time sharing that immediate experience with someone else. Maybe there's still a hole from the dissolution of the 'team' nearly a decade ago. 

Dunno. But like I told Marc B, I still love the sport, I could happily transition to team mechanic I think, kind of like what Taylor has done. But who and what and I don't know...  

Tomorrow will be here soon. I'll race. I'll do my best and it will just have to be what it is. Gearing? Whatever is on there now. Tires? Same. Choices? nope, they've been eliminated. 44-22? feels wrong even when it is the correct choice (mud at ice weasels) tires? running what I have because the ones i wanted are too fat or have not been available. I've got the ranking in the back of my mind. I've got the lack of team resources in the area on my mind. Most everyone else racing has a team tent, a home base on the grounds.  A place where they can sit, get out of the wind, prepare or just hang out before and after the race that isn't some dirty dirt parking lot a REALLY long way away on the other side of a huge highway across a massive pedestrian bridge with an oppressive number of stairs to go up and down just to find that space. 

MOTHERFUCKER SHUT UP ALREADY.

GeWilli is his own worst enemy.

Tomorrow will be here soon. I'll tackle it like pretty much everything, all alone and by myself.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
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