Being told the only way to win is to play but when you're solidly neurodiverse, well on the spectrum, esp on the social interaction side, that's kind of the biggest reality check that, no, you might want what the normals have, what the mundane's show off as the way to be or whatever but you can't get there.
And having someone, preface the you can't win if you don't play, with I know I might be coming from a place of privilege, kind of adds more sting to it.
Picked up on the PBA Season 3. Annoying but good content. Running it at 1.5 speed of course. Should have waited till Ep 10 dropped because now I don't want to wait, I like binging seasons. Not being dictated. Start with Ep 1 if you want. I rec watching at 1.5 speed but I'm an outlier. So maybe it doesn't work for everyone.
Realized that I'm going to be in the PacNW for Jan 1, means I won't be able to join Mike for his big ride again, or any big Jan 1 ride. No not bringing a bike. Just me. The bare minimum of stuff.
So now what?
Travel will make the Festive 500 kind of impossible unless I do something like this. Yeah I still want to do that. Some day maybe? maybe not.
Goals, fitness, speed, weight, health, happiness... a few big unknowns though. paying for college for the youngest is one of the larger ones, we're at the mercy of the financial aid office. Huge stress I didn't realize I was carrying until last night. Whatever, will figure it out. Supposed to be worth it, right?
CX Nats heading to L'ville. Hmm. Tempting. But that whole solo bullshit. That whole not fitting in even in this group of misfits that don't fit in anywhere else. It is tough. Hard to stand alone so totally and so completely and still keep it together.
Would love to do something like this, heck I'd like to be better at making good video content but I just can't figure it out. I shoot stills and even then not any good at it.
Wonder how the next proposal will wind up. Wondering what happened to the gallery in westerly, did it get shut down and closed up? What happened to everything? I don't know. I didn't pay for the printing but I also got nothing but exposure, and not much of that as it was, out of the huge emotional and physical toll to pull it off.
It was tough. Life is tough though. Esp if you don't fit in.
Maybe I shouldn't have read NeuroTribes. Stevil's branding me as Rain Man both hurt and was kind of an awakening. Add to all the various moments of trauma growing up. Builds a crazy picture. How the fuck did I get here. And what happened to all those years. Now that I'm here, basically my whole life spent trying to be something I want to be but am now... Gotta remember. NO MORE WHAT IFs. Damn I gotta work on that lesson again. I am where I am. I am grateful to have gotten to this point. I think maybe I've been a bit of a net force for good, more helpful than not, kinder than mean. Can't hope to be perfect, but I can keep working on being better.
Remember I noticed when Jill's blog went offline? Maybe I didn't mention it, I thought I did. When one of the few that I still have in the open tabs goes away I usually notice. There are a few that are gone that I haven't edited out of the open all folder but I'm glad I didn't purge before now, because the latest is really really good.
Her previous post had an impressive range of comments. A reminder that while I've been doing this for a long f'n time, i've never gained any sort of traction, peaking when drunkcyclist (big johnny himself) linked me back in '06/07.
Go read her full blog entry though. Like seriously. Stop. go read it. And that last line.
It is what I have done. Will continue to do. Right now the monster is death. I can't shake it, the fear, the absence, the absoluteness of it. Terrifying and overhwelming. Just writing the words starting with "Right now" and this has caused a physcial reaction that is exhausting and it sucks. Why? Why can't I just let it be. Why can't I harness that awareness as a superpower like MLFN did?
I'm a disaster but some how am managing to put one foot in front of the other. One more pedal stroke. One more lap. One more pushing of the bike up the hill. Always one more. Always have the capacity to do just a little more. Rest? Pfft. what's the point. Can't stop or I'll be overwhelmed and left behind.
Amor Fati Motherfuckers,
Heddwch,
G
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