been a while

 Since I couldn't fall asleep, since I couldn't stay asleep, and completely unrelated to turning myself inside out at smackdown.

Yet that was last night. Anxiety about switching carriers for the family, super trivial and thoughtless for others but me a bit source of overthinking and stress. Weirdly, but I guess when you break it all down there's both the unknown (I'm not the biggest fan) and change coupled with a first time. Just kind of hits all the triggers at once. Maybe it is why I've talked about it for years and just keep shoveling over buckets of money to the current carrier for a piddling amount of cellular data that if anyone (aka the only one with an iPhone in the family) goes on a trip, we're out of data. Funny that. The pixel phone people (the other three of us, all different editions at this point) never even hit half of the other phone's data. Habits? Frugality? Genetics? Better Wifi discipline? 

Work stress has added a massive layer to it all. And I've been pretty good at shuffling it off and leaving it here, esp lately. This latest stuff is tenacious and part of the awake time last night i was remarking at how great the weekend was, and how all it took was half a day at the imaging factory dungeon and I was crumbling and just struggling.  AND THAT WAS ONLY MONDAY.

At least we have a long weekend. Again. Should be nice. 

Layers of anxiety about the kid and making it on the big team, so transitive? It is there because I care and want the best but also, so completely out of my control that it should make it better but kind of makes it worse.

New microscope, the grant everyone has been wanting for a while. The grant I was hoping wouldn't get funded. Big new microscope. Replaces the really old one (1983 but mid 70s model), adds huge new capacity, totally new paradigm, something the structural biologists have been wanting. It is big, and expensive (about 2 million list). I had thought (until yesterday) that it would take a while to build and deliver. Maybe this time next year. 

Nope.

They have one that can be delivered in September. I get freaked out just thinking about what we need to do to get ready for it, much less write it all down. Room reno, equipment relocation, MASSIVE friction there. 

And then there's like four other smaller but related and unrelated but major things on top. 

It is worse than usual but it is what it is. Amor Fati motherfuckers.

Huh, blew right past my 5 year anniversary of being sober. Didn't even notice.

The 11th was the anniversary of MLFN's death. I think it was 2009. Was thinking about that riding the creaking old Black Blue Norcross CX bike that is acting as a road bike this morning. I got that in 2009. 

Changes and shit.

Fuck.

This was good, had a minute to wait for a student for a meeting and watched this:

Good stuff. 

Gotta get a handle on this shit around me. Need to anchor and stabilize and hold on until the tide changes.

Just trying to keep my head above water till then.

Heddwch
G