Fucking emotional

 the youngest graduating...

moments like driving away and having her realize we didn't get any photos of just her, and that's crushing because I feel responsible for not trying to make it happen or thinking about it we were all just flowing from one moment to another, group to group, but no moment of just her...

emotions...

Fuck, I cried in the car driving with her from the awards brunch to trader joes..

crying thinking about it again..

this is really really tough..

add the whole layer of emotions of never dealing with the grief from the passing of my father and I'm one word away from waterworks, constantly. every moment.

And while my mileage in May sucks, I at least managed 30 hrs on the bike and only 30 hrs in other ground transport. Not great on the first, okay with the second, esp since a lot of it was trains.

I don't know really... it was good laughing, distracting and I should have done a few other things instead of laughing my ass off. 

I got up super early yesterday to drive kid to her last practice on the Seekonk. last one. So many lasts. I didn't bring a jacket, had planned to take a film photo of them launching and then sitting in the car reading. Got out there and her coach offered a ride in the launch, L's bow seat offered me a sweatshirt to wear on the launch and well I put a lifejacket on (new RI rules) and freezed my ass off taking photos and videos of her last formal row on the river. I'm sure she'll be back on the water for events or other things, but today she gets on a plane to Florida to race Nationals, then comes back, is home for a day or two and then goes to National selection camp.

She's all grown up but still my little one, she's leaving and I'm an emotional wreck at the best of times and these aren't, for me. I'm not headed to florida, i'm hanging out, the oldest has a birthday this weekend so I'm hanging out here and dealing with work and kind of now hoping she makes the big team. 

I don't really know what to say, how to exercise this emotion out of my head. 

Struggling.

But...

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

sigh

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