stress

Let me start off with a reminder to myself. 

I'm lucky. 

I'm fortunate. 

Life has not been kind or easy.

But I'm here, and I persist. 

My influence on the grand scheme and direction of the arc of the world is not much different than the wing beat of a butterfly. Use either the time travel reference or the hurricane one. 

If you give a shit about people, it's not easy right now 

Daily stress/panic trigger from headlines or photos aren't probably the best thing for ones health. 

And in some ways I'm feeling more and more isolated. Pulling back from social media, but still trying to engage and share photos is a tough balance and the big loss I feel is a sense of connection and relaxed banter that kind of is nice. 

Another team lately/last few months, an in person void has opened. Over the years I've been very lucky to have made friends at work that stop by and hang out and chat and laugh drink coffee. That's missing right now, and of course me being me doesn't really know how to fix that 

On the flip side, shit is busy. There's not a lot of time for it. 

And more to the point, when I've been in my office I've started stress cleaning and organizing. 

Which reminds me of the most stressful traumatic office cleaning. Sleep deprived, panicked, hours of unknown office cleaning in Dec 2013. I think that's sorted I mean I hope so, it was a long time ago, a different lifetime, I was a different person, or just in a different darker place than now. 

But it kind of hit me, this finally getting to clean up and organize. Is stress and avoidance driven.

It's a daily reminder and self affirmation what can I do? Not much, be the butterfly, help going, make sure I'm kind, considerate, and supportive. Most people are better at hiding their fear, and some are just able to go about in spite of it. 

You can thank the dog for waking my up at 5:30 for this. And I'm kind of in limbo wondering if I need to drive the oldest to work before getting on the bike and riding through the slush and 33 F rain. 

Yes I'm grateful I don't have to deal with another 4" of wet snow. But this is going to be a cold ride. And wet. And it's a long day once I get there. And I still have to get my shit together. But I'm avoiding it by writing. It's also just kind of still baffling how such obvious signs of my mental 'condition' disability basically were so completely unaddressed/ignored and in someways purposefully. But again best not to assume massive or intent when ignorance is the more likely solution. Typing this on the phone with one thumb (swipe) is slower than the normal posting process.i know it seems I'm kind of all in on this ASD thing, but with my oldest clinical diagnosis, my sober self and awareness, it's just to painfully, 'oh well that makes sense now' 

It also makes a bit more sense why I'm struggling with all this out there. Another moment was recognizing that the white boomer women coined 'empath'' as a personality trait or whatever just to avoid the autism label. And yeah no shit, I am much more rain man who's bad at math than the average person. Y'all probably are all like 'yeah MF'r we know' 

Life goes on, hey, at least I'm not having panic attacks about dying daily anymore! Small wins. That said it's the same feeling a couple times a day from the other shit. Not sure that's better.

But I'm working on how to function in this ever changing reality. 

Stay safe good luck, all that. 

Heddwch

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