I did go back to bed this time. Yesterday it was a 5am wake up and I do l just stayed up and finished edits and got ready to go a little early.
6.5 hours of sleep though after last weekend and this week at work means I'm wiped out today. Heck I should have left 15 min ago to go job the JP ride and get some long hard miles in on the road. But I only woke up an hour ago and I feel like I could have kept sleeping.
I'm in a stage head space, this think with the kids and the team is bugging me more and more, nothing to do but it's just so fucking unfair. Yeah yeah I know, that's the nature of it all. Sometimes (haha) those in power do stuff that isn't great. Can't complain about the results, but by the numbers and the results it was a good move and I'm trying to make peace with it even if it would have been the same outcome. I dunno. I understand it and I'm coming to terms with the difference between college coaching and long term athlete development.
College coaches have four years of athletes, no need to worry about it they can complete afterwards, not their problem. Their want to win and whatever it takes. Yeah there's a range but even the best push more than they should, obvs different for each sport and each athlete can decide where to draw the line themselves and most won't ever do the sport at that level again so it's not an issue.
I skipped smackdown this week, and then I didn't go do the first of the summer TT series (yeah early start this year).
It's good to be able to push myself when needed and get through, but that back end recovery isn't as quick or effortless as it used to be.
And here I am wiped out on a Saturday. But it might rain soon so meh I guess that's ok.
I'm just trying to get a little more coffee in, get some words out of my head and then go develop a roll of film.
I keep trying to explain a personality challenge to people, the one that struggles with travel to new places, out just flat out traveling at all. My brain isn't wired for that. I'm just remembering 5th grade French class and being vocal about not wanting to go in a trip to France, I couldn't articulate the fear so I made a weak sounding excuse involving my dog and was ridiculed for it by Madame Magraph (phonetic, I can't remember how to spell her name).
Even these overnight trips to photograph the races, I get descion paralysis trying to decide where to eat dinner, and that's with all the information and soaking the language a and having a decent understanding of things in the locale. Put me somewhere totally new, add a foreign language and poof stress levels through the roof. It completely overwhelmed any of the positives in the moment. It was good going to Paris, but that was different and also, while really stressful, more familiar in someways than others. But ultimately I can recognize it all now as the ASD part of me. And changing that isn't easy or really even possible. The alcohol basically was the enabling mechanism. And sober me is more like the 5th grade me than that middle part. And yeah, coming up on 7 years sober in a week or so, I can't go back to that mechanism. So the choices are avoidance or trauma.
I gotta get back on the bike, need a whole day riding to kick something off. But kid is home for a few more days and I'm ok delaying the bike stuff in favor of hanging out.
I should really stop and get down into the basement and get this roll going.
Have to test the developer first. Still hurting after losing a whole roll to expired developer. Downside to XTOL, when it goes, it's gone.
Heddwch
G
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