What a week -edit w/extra

I survived last week, in much better shape than ever before.

came back with a solid good feeling.

Jinxed myself with the whole having a huge bladder, but then that day was an early one with lots of water and coffee and 4+ hours between opportunities to take a leak.

Played music. Took some snapshots with my phone.

Massive panic at the airport when I realized about 10 min after I got out of the car that my phone was in the car. That was pretty terrifying. I don't have my mother's cell phone number memorized, besides where the fuck was i going to find a phone to use to call her with? And my boarding pass, and contacting ANYONE about getting picked up or that i'm okay or yeah i'm sure you can fill in the blanks. I had taken it out of my pocket when i got out of the car. Got distracted with the good bye to my mother and boom walked into the airport, into the bathroom, and halfway to check in bags before I realized I didn't have my phone, panic retrace to bathroom then dread and terror took over when i realized oh shit it is in the car.

Fortunately my phone was on, and even MORE so, I got a spam call BEFORE my mother left the drop off zone. So she waited. Was there when I came back out.

Kind of magically amazingly guardian angel like crazy.

Got my phone and had a really solid rest of the trip. Got on the first flight with the extra time folks, got the violin stored and an Exit row window. Finished a book, watched most of a movie, got to Chicago midway and my back was only slightly fucked. Sat on the other side of the plane at the window for the flight from there to PVD, watched Ready Player One (differed from the book by a good bit but close enough that I'll let it slip) got home.

Picked up not in my wife's preferred vehicle, the minivan, so i was already bracing myself that something was fucked up with the van.
Sure enough - check engine light. Wish I could have found time to get it inspected BEFORE the trip. Code should be there still, hopefully nothing too crazy, or at least hopefully something that can be resolved easily? Maybe? We'll see.

Cold but clear and dry on the bike in this morning. Not bad.

A lot to think about from this week, we'll see how it settles and shakes out.

Confirmation, my dad is a selfish asshole and making my brother's life kind of a miserable hell, but he's still our dad and well. yeah. He has Atypical Parkinsonism. If he had gotten his shoulders replaced before it set in he might not be in such bad shape, as it is both shoulders are pretty fucked up and well the disease has progressed a bit and he's starting to have a little bit of cognitive decline, so who knows how long. Which is why when he was diagnosed in CO with parkinsons that he got worse on the drugs. Hey it wasn't actual PD. And we're at year 3 of it.

Atypical Parkinsonism Treatment
Although research is deepening medical understanding of these disorders, atypical Parkinsonian disorders are progressive and as yet there are no treatments that effect a cure.
Supportive physical and occupational therapies can help patients cope with their symptoms, and maximizing the patient’s ability to swallow is particularly important. Psychiatric and other specific manifestations of these diseases may respond to medication.

He's got a twice a week PT with someone who only works with PD patients, and plenty of other doctor stuff, but like the quote there from Johns Hopkins, what is there to do? not much. If symptoms worsen much further he may need more care than can be provided at home.

So I'm going to look at trying to get out there sooner than later to spend more time there. Unfortunately there's not a good window to get out there with teaching this spring, but there is one, and i'll start keeping an eye on ticket prices, hopefully i can work in a day spent on the bike too.

Well, now back to catching up from being gone, even though everyone here is mostly gone, still a pile of shit to do.

Even more to do at home, even without the potential unknown issue with the minivan.

There's probably a bit more rattling around to say but I am going to grab some lunch and get back to everything else.

Heddwch
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--post publish--

Cyclocross Nationals.

I did actually manage to wake up early enough and my Brother's really spotty internet worked well enough to see the Women's race. Timing didn't work to see the Men's race, or anything on Saturday, or anything before the women's race.

So I watched that. I caught some of the feeds, but I had to mute a few people and unfollow others. Had. To. And it worked. I don't matter to them, easier for me to deal if I don't stay connected or get reminders. Although one of the unfollows keeps popping back up in twitter, too many cross over people and the algorithm sends the tweets to my feed. I hadn't muted this group before, unfollowed once before but had followed back again, maybe a mistake.

It was also helpful being on the west coast and so out of sync with everything even on that time zone.

Did I wish i was there in L'ville? Yes. But also totally okay without being there. Def glad I didn't race.

I did find myself thinking that maybe USAC should put a 3 day restriction on races. No more than 3 days or 1500 racers can ride one course/year/month something. esp when it is wet and muddy. Although yes that is part of the course and conditions and it is cyclocross and it is supposed to be hard and running is a big part of it. And yes, like at Fruitlands, it was faster to run and if you wanted to win and do well you needed to get off the bike when it was faster to run and not be a stupid butthead and find the fun in riding it all even if it was slower.

I might wrap more ideas up about that part of last week later. I do need to check to see what the dates are for next year and see how it fits into the whole Yuletide concert process.

NOW i'm going to get lunch - even after a long phone call talking microscopes.

inflight thoughts - plus some extras

We have 29 minutes left in flight, i’ve had three waters, finished my water bottle, three cups of coffee and haven’t moved from my seat.

talk about extended bladder range.

Years ago when my father bought his first F150 when he retired the Econoline van i grew up in and he drove to DC, he got the one with two fuel tanks. He also eventually got an escort station wagon, commuting in the big truck was less than ideal but the truck worked for everything else he did.

Including driving to Colorado to pick us up or to go on camping trips. Yeah about the CO pick up, that’ll have to wait for another story. Two fuel tanks. That’s some serious range. One fuel tank usually was enough to force a stop well before needed. Two, mean that anyone but my dad and my brother’s would need to stop and relieve their bladder well before the truck needed gas.

That truck got totaled one summer day, Fortunately it was on a local grocery run and only one or two of us were with our dad, and everyone was wearing a seatbelt. Brenin was stoked and confused about the Firemen giving him a lollypop for wearing his seatbelt. Normally when the four of us travel with him, two of us were in the bed of the truck under the cap. We grew up there in the back of that truck, not literally, but we spent enough time back there on the army surplus canvas wrapped open cell foam pads bouncing around in the heat and the noise that it seemed normal. That second truck? Well either due to availability or spec, the baseline truck with manual transmission and hand crank windows and vinyl bench seats, well, there was only one tank. And my Step mother couldn’t have been happier. Finally a reason to stop and get out of the truck on road trips at a reasonably interval.

It is pretty strange headed back to Seattle/PacNW with my dad now living out there. 40 years ago he left. My mother had fallen in love with my step father, my dad was drinking as much or more than any of us did/have/do and and well they got divorced, he stopped drinking, started smoking instead but not in front of us, we spent some time with him at his apartment before he left. We were little, he was ill-equiped to deal with us, having pretty much zero interaction with the other three, and with me? Many many local fishing trips, where we’d catch lots of fish, he’d drink constantly, I didn’t noticed it, mind it, see any issue with it, but reflecting yeah it was there. I saw a very different view of him than anyone else. Sheltered in many ways, it developed a strange non-talking relationship, that none of my other brothers have with him. Heck my wife got him talking non-stop driving down from somewhere one year. We spent three days driving to Colorado and had one, maybe two conversations that lasted more than a explaination of where we were or a memory of his trips through there.

It was his last trip through and maybe I wanted it to be his trip, i wanted to talk but didn’t. Wanted to tell him everything that had happened, how someone broke up one of the more infamous mid-pack masters teams and the story behind that.

I never did.

Once he was there my brother’s started flying out to help, the first three I missed. The first was fun for them but kind of last minute, I had other commitments I couldnt get out of, all the trips were either last minute or impossible to make work for me. On their second one he started opening up to my brothers about the troubles with my step mother that lead to his divorcing her and ultimately left him alone with failing health in the middle of nowhere colorado.

Talking with my brother after I landed and on my way here, I got a better glimpse into my dad’s decline. Talking with my dad on the phone on his 80th birthday sunday was tough, he had changed, mentally not the same, weird verbal patterns. But my brother filled in a bit more, but no one has really given me the full medical story. I don’t think my dad is capable of doing that, and he’s always been adverse to medical care, and watching over the years his doctors have been high profile pill pushers, I’m fairly certain all the cholesterol drugs and other macro indicator adjusting pills he was taking contributed to the neurological decline. Goal is to make sure I have a chance to pry out of my brother or his wife more what the docs are saying.

So even now, not much has change, I’ve been kept at an arms distance to the actual what is going on, Probably not deliberate but when something is this complicated and no on has been able to get you the full history where do you start?

I’m sitting here, in the studio, looking out at the trees I planted in the early 90s, in a part of the field that was 2” of topsoil over clay, they took years to establish themsleves but now they are 3-4 stories tall and laden with cones. A bit tightly planted, intended to thin them at some point, but they are self regulating now. The alder trees are totally moss covered and a barrier to the ancient douglas fir on the top of magic hill. it is quiet. the rain is falling. I didn’t go to sleep until 11pm or so work up when it got light and then fell back asleep until 8-830. Made coffee… there’s no wifi down here, but that may be a good thing. I can read and write off line drinking coffee and having some quiet. My oldest kid is sleeping down here in the studio. We’ve got our space and the concerts are coming up tomorrow and well like my brother said - there’s really nothing different, we’ve been doing this same pattern for a long time now, it is routine. There are variables in play that are different this year but shouldn’t perturb the pattern too much.

Time to post before I add too much more.

heddwch

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pick it up put it down

one thing after another

thing is I never stop

some tasks are annoying but gratifying when done, some are good just doing them, but there are so many of them, so much to do, that yes my mind often wanders to what has to get done and then also what isn't getting done that needs to but gets left behind.  Like cleaning the bike room and looking for a few bits and parts and re-organizing it so I can get all the fucking bikes in there w/o jamming them together. Or just cleaning shit up. Not great at that. but mostly i know where stuff is. Case in point i knew where ONE of the bottom bracket adapters was, just not where the other one is.

starting tomorrow morning things are going to be non-stop crazy until i get home at 1 in the morning (i'm calling it the 19th but I guess technically it is the 20th but SO GLAD IT ISN'T A RED EYE).

Why? This, the same thing we do every year. Combine Pinky and the Brain with Groundhog day and you've got the big weekend at http://magicalstrings.com/YT_2018.htm yup. Very much like Groundhog day. each time we tweak it a little. Last year Marshall was sober and I was drinking more vodka than beer (never felt better there) and now this year we're both sober and my oldest kid is coming and it is the 40th AND my dad just turned 80 on Sunday and yeah. Fucking CRAZY.

40th isn't a big deal right? No, not a big deal, Who cares, it is just a number.

That's what I was told when my 40th got borked by my sister's wedding. I had already started planning 12 months out, this birthday was going to be the one that turned it around for me and made me take the first step towards making the day a good one, a step to start reversing the curse. And 4 months after that, well my sister announced that she's getting married and they are getting married a day before/after/i forget around my birthday. And yeah we've gotta fly the whole family out and she was very needed and self centered (she's mellowed a bit since) and inflexible and well, yeah added extra suck to more suck. Just another shitty birthday. It is just a number, who cares, why is it such a big deal for you? Because I've always seen it be made a big deal for others? esp 40th and 50th. Why? I don't fucking know. Although I do know and can logic out why they are such big markers and all that. And well this shit, yeah - there's a huge layer of PTSD lingering beneath the surface with this anniversary. But hey - the concerts are always good and people in the audience are wonderful and nice and say nice things and do express genuine thanks for us being there. It is kind of cool to be a tradition for many people, esp this time of year. There aren't many who've been to every concert, besides us on stage, but it is a pretty fucking big deal to have carried on this tradition so many years in a row.

A hell of a lot of work, but a big deal.

I may have found some motivation for pedaling in the spring:
https://micoasttocoast.com/

Pretty cheap per-mile race/ride. Downside, logistics, getting there, and getting in shape for a gravel double hundo.

But i had been thinking about a double hundo for June anyway. This might be kind of fucking perfect. I should make sure I talk myself out of doing it on a Single speed. Gears would be good. The Crockett with the monster tires would be likely the best bike for it. Although the gearing on the Klein is totally good, but body would be better on the crockett for that long.

Tempting, need a BikeReg sniper software, register me before it closes if I don't before then, with the event capped at 550 and they are already at 211... 

well - more later - plugging on - hating the process - not finding good results but keep on keeping on..

"Carry Wood"

i like that

heddwch
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13 kids

A teacher friend brought 13 of his science class kids and they were awesome, and me forcing into the engaging mode engaged them and then it fed back and i felt good.  mentally much better after that.

also pretty productive getting shit done.

avoiding the "social" or anti-social media

making the fire, making it nice and warm

starting to put the season of a dozen races away

So few amazing races, good times seeing people and it was a good season back
 but still that wanting - the frustration - can't remove it - but that's good, hopefully it'll fire up the motivation to be in a better place next year.

May just need to stick to the SSCX totally, even if it means driving to one or two more races and maybe only going to spectate at the big ones.

But that is a long time from now.

A lot to accomplish in the next 24 hrs

books are downloaded, music not so much, will have to work on that.

now i'm going to work on sleeping

after I load up the stove for the overnight run

heddwch
G

natural reaction

is to just completely close off - why? i dunno, because that's what is needed? Or that's what has worked, although does it work, if by doing it eventually things switch then past results would say yes it works.

But this "healing" process is pretty dumb, i don't trust it and I'm not sure it really works.

Just sucks to be hitting these last two days of being absolutely insane here with the same time as trying to make everything ready and then having the importance of 40th "anything" being the absolute up and coming topic brings a shit ton of PTSD trauma back.

I found a new bruise on the back of my leg from Saturday's race.

I'm not ready for the season to be over, not stoked to be missing nationals even though I don't ever want to race it again.

I guess I gotta find my other bottom bracket adapter and stick an old square taper crank in the black blue to make a long haul bike for the up coming challenge.

The #6moHundo half wanting to add the NECX tag but fuck that, who cares, no one else will do it, i'm only doing it to pin some hope on sanity.

Time to talk about microscopes

heddwch
G

well that wasn't quite right

I have been meaning to write about the complete train wreck and wrecking of me and the course that my race was at NBX day 2. I managed fine, no big deal. was def tired monday. got progressively more exhausted and frustrated with the week as it went on. Thurs was pretty shitty, friday marginally better, but mostly not great.

Tried to race today. Ice Weasels. You know the big party race at the end of the year, tons of handup, all the beer, no USAC. Also the big final race of the Zanc Single speed series.

I usually can't make it to them, it winds up on the weekend i'm in seattle. not this year.

I was pretty beat up by the big crash, thought i was good. Right now, not feeling so much. Hand hurts again, i got in a bit of a bumper car at the first bottle neck when Griggs slammed Stearns into me, tweaked my back. And I just fucking had nothing. Rode an okay first lap then just couldn't pedal hard. Mind, legs, just not in it.

Felt off the whole day, probably should have just stayed home. Still feeling off. It was awesome seeing Shoogs, seeing JLS, handful of others, but it wasn't enough to shake the cloud.

But cross is over.

The season was good, it was good to be back, I'm still pretty frustrated with being slow but also not training wasn't helping, life has been off the hook crazy, and some friends take that as an offense. I can't argue with them, don't want to explain that I don't have time for me and their frustration expression makes it worse.

I'll get through, I've got the motivation to work towards next year, hopefully I can implement it. But I'm def a lone wolf, a wolf that used to have a pack, but doesn't and can't figure it out. The old pack wasn't a perfect fit, was easy for it to get pulled apart from two sides. Not a great way to try to describe it I guess, but somewhat function if a bit of liberty with the parallel. - coming back to edit this- during the shower I got thinking, and can't really describe it well, the idea that I really never quite figure out what makes me happy although i try to go towards it but wind up somewhere else, but that is the pattern of my life - kind of used to it. maybe someday i'll figure it all out.
But..
For now...
I'll keep wandering, work on not being such a pathetic waste on the bike. Get back to being a mediocre mid-pack master.

It is time to get back to cramming in everything I need to do before flying to Seattle. going to shower and eat maybe watch a movie, maybe read some more of the book, -edit- going to skip the movie and get in bed after the shower and read.

I'm tired... but can't rest. Maybe i'll fall asleep on the plane in a couple days.

heddwch
G

NBX GP of CX

In the past I've had to bail on helping both days set up. When I've done that I've had miserable races. Or been wrecked and useless each night.

You can't screw up your legs if you don't have any to start with. AKA no amount of grunt work, staring with leaf blowing and then putting in stakes for a 2 mile course, shagging metal fencing or wrapping the lower tape line, and the upper tape line on a decent amount of the course. I forget what else we did, but it was a lot of walking and bending. Only a handful of wooden stakes were used, mostly in the field. I wangered half of the right hand line Thursday night in the dark with Joel Brown. I think finished that up on Friday.

I did an okay job of pacing myself. Thursday we got started around 9, took me an hour of driving to get there, took a 10 min break when the pizza got there at 2:30 and worked until about 5-5:30. Not a hugely long day but the six of us got nearly all the course build and that was pretty nice. Got there Friday and started taping right off the bat after another stupid long traffic fraught drive.  Had shitty traffic on the way home too both days.

Friday we didn't even break for lunch. There was some pizza left over, it froze in the trailer overnight and well, I had a couple pieces when CXhairs Bill showed up then one more when we had to get something out of the trailer to finish up a few things. But I drank a lot of water. Sat down once though. Well i did sit in the Gator driving that thing around with the pedal to the floor. Gave Bill a quick tour of the first part of the course down to the beach run start. That was kind of fun blasting through the course at full speed with the gator. Raked a bunch put up more tape, really moved a ton of orange fencing and wrapped up after 6 pm, finishing stuff well into the dark.

AND THEN I RODE THE COURSE! On the e-bike, the crossrip+. It was a blast. I could ride EVERYTHING. Well I couldn't ride the stairs and the beach run and that was a bitch to get up all the stairs. But everything else was cake.  And even with the slick commuter tires I could ride it all. Kind of gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to effortlessly lay down 350 watts at a whim. And in a surprising turn it was more motivating to train than it was depressing or derailing.

Based on my pre-ride and two days setting up the course I bailed on trying to ride before the race today. Instead I worked the course crossing, yelled at people for doing stuff they weren't supposed to, got a tongue lashing from people for yelling at them, even though the weren't listening to me or others and that's why it elevated to yelling. I moved more course stuff, I did some other important errands and eventually got ready to race. About 20 min before the start.

I got two or three hard start loop efforts in, and then hung out with Hale and Big sexy and CTodd in a row, with little Geo behind me.

I raced the single speed. I put just under 20 in the front, just about 20 psi in the rear and I FLOATED over the roots. Didn't bottom out or smash anything, granted I kind of knew the roots pretty well and was able to float and pedal at the same time and that seems kind of like a difficult thing to do for most people. I had a slow first lap but was still in a bunch of traffic. Actually was racing people the whole time, and that was kind of awesome. Hugh took off and left me alone but that's okay. He still got lapped. The leaders were SCREAMING fast. But only three people lapped me. And I was happy to get lapped today.

Means one less lap of suffering to repair from for tomorrow. I got done, did a handful of other stuff, talked with some folks, eventually wound up in the pits working for Jane Rossi. She destroyed her rear wheel, like holy shit it was DESTROYED, but she rode it in swapped bikes and still finished in the points. Hoping for a better day tomorrow with more adverse conditions and a better feel for it all. Many days the second day of a C1 sees a drop off in rider attendance but I don't think it will be that much tomorrow.

Going to try and get there early and get a lap before the first race just so I can get an idea of the course in that flow direction. It probably will be less than ideal for SSCX, a bit straighter it looks like for day two. But It really felt good just to be on the single speed. The start was a bit slow for me compared to normal, I went from Over-geared to under geared before the left hand turn towards the woods. But it also meant I had a more conservative start and didn't wind up riding with guys for a lap who turn a minute/lap faster times than I do (and then I blow up). I had a steady decrease in lap times but not terrible.

It was good. It is supposed to start raining soon. I'm going to try and get up earlier tomorrow going to make an extra coffee and drink a ton of water before the race so I look even more bloated than I do in the race photos today (the extra 10-15 pounds I'm carrying is making me feel a bit less than stoked- that said not drinking has NOT gotten me skinnier - although I did drop 5 pounds when I stopped drinking beer). Need to ride more. That's the last bit of the puzzle to work out. Well ONE of the pieces anyway. The riding more and actually getting some 2-3 hour rides in on a regular basis, get back to a Monthly Hundo, maybe work on May as a high mileage month again, MAYBE i can get back to being in the bottom middle of the 40+ masters pack next year.

Now I'm going to get a few more things together for tomorrow and try and get some sleep. I kept waking up last night - one toe was bothering me after two days in the boots, and I just had a hard time falling asleep and then staying asleep. Woke up wide away at 5am and almost just got up, but i fell back asleep and when the alarm did go off I was dreaming and groggy.

Well - till tomorrow - I had a good day, it wasn't perfect, I'm more aware of me and my screwing shit up and will work on not doing the stuff I don't like or that i notice isn't great but it is mostly my hypersensitivity and work to being better, most people probably think i'm not nearly as bad now w/o a dozen beers in me.

more pedaling - time to work on recovery and sleep

heddwch
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Secret Squirrel SSCX and stuff

so what to say,

I had meant to start this on Sunday. I woke up bleary eyed, scrolled through notifications on the phone read them and then totally forgot about pretty much all of them - like for days - honestly. The ones that pestered me between then, well I was reminded. Why did I forget? I try not to do that, I don't have many people that still make an effort to reach out past my social handicap and I try to work on being reciprocal, but I fail quite a bit. Sunday was car day and shopping and other stuff I think. I don't remember but it was a busy day but it was good to take the momentum of the Secret Squirrel race and carry through.

And motherfucker it worked. Carried through right through even today. Tired now but not nearly anything like what I have been in the past after two days of course building. I wonder what the difference is? I'm also not feeling super tired. FOR A CHANGE HOLY SHIT!

I'm tired right now, will hopefully be able to fall asleep soon. That's such a huge difference from having to drink enough to essentially be able to pass out. Yeah, it wasn't good, and so now I'm pretty much going to have to do this for a while. And that's a good thing.

So Secret squirrel started off knowing that I needed to take the bike I haven't touched since Fruitlands and convert it back to single speed. So I did. Headed to the shop, got that done. Not I didn't just do the conversion.

I put some fat meaty tires on too. A big 45 Riddler up front and the 40 Nano that was on the front and not worn on the back. Set up was TOUGH and tight. Took a good bit of persuasion to get the Riddler to pop on and seat and be round. Unlike the Schwalbe (1st gen tubeless CX) that were too easy to put on (but held 25PSI for 4 weeks). Okay maybe they were down a bit when I changed them.

So the big tires on there, bit change. Also a tread pattern I haven't really used at all on the front.

Got my shit together, headed up. Found some parking, headed up and got number, hung out, watched a bit - didn't get shoes and stuff on until after the 123 race went off. But I was poised to hit the course as soon as they were done and got almost a full lap in, all but the tiny start/finish stretch. And the gear felt good, the course felt good, I could ride Heckle hill, I could hop all the logs and the two run ups were the two run ups. I liked the flow and got changed and pinned up and tossed on some embro.

And then eventually got started after a few parking lot laps with Eric the Viking and Matty O. Chatted while riding around, seeing all the great people of Singlespeed and CX. It was awesome. We headed eventually to the start. Got gridded up. I picked the left, kind of wanted the right but the left was the wide side of the turn and well it was a good move. Picking the middle would have left me picking myself up out of the big old pile up. We plowed towards the run up, managed to flow up pretty well, no standing around. Although Keith B was standing at the bottom putting a chain back on. Headed up, flowed through the heckle hill (I took the right most line the first time) down around past the terrifying footed barricades, and the pit and up the run up and well I was good - gap was opening an inch or so on each pedal section in front, but not too badly, but there was a big line behind me that wasn't able to pass. It was fun.

They got around eventually, I kept moving, racing, feeling good, hurting, lungs were dying, phlegm was building (gotta deal with that better some days there's no phlegm some days a ton). But I kept it pretty steady, full gas and then...

Here comes Mike W and Brad S. They are racing, mike's in the lead, oh shit they are in the same section behind me!!!! I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HOLD THEM OFF HOLYSHIT I MIGHT STAY ON THE LEAD LAP! FUCK YEAH...

Oh shit... I gotta RIDE and I tore up the course as much as I could.

Did i mention my front tire was acting kind of flat? Like there was a LOT more air in it when I checked the pressure and did the pre-ride. Well it held on and didn't go flat but it was fun/interesting/cool to ride a tire with that low of a pressure.

AND?

I beat Mike to the line and was granted ONE MORE LAP... HELL YEAH!

I could have slowed up, and been done. But no. I think Mike could see I wasn't giving up and was trying to go hard enough to stay in front and given his gap over 2nd place I think he probably sat up a little to let me go through, but I DON'T CARE.

I had fun racing.

It was a blast.

It is supposed to be that way right? ThomP did an interview and all the bead snot and everything, but it didn't make the final cut. I saw him today and he said it was in, then out, then back in, and finally out. I'm okay with that.

So I raced.

I worked on the car on sunday, did the shopping, cooked, split some more wood, shuffled more wood around (did that on Friday too as openers).

This week has been busy. I didn't get a couple things done. One of which is submitting to a gallery show that is due Sunday. Plan is to work on that tomorrow night. If I can move.

But I got a LOT more done than I thought I could. Mostly going non-stop, with a few twitter breaks here and there. Had some deep introspection a bit, more on the positive resolution side than normal so that was good to.

Odd how the shift happens. Takes getting one or two things done, and building from there. Problem is I keep building till it is too much then collapse. I've got a week and a few days to recover from this weekend before Seattle.

This week was also compressed because I used two vacation days I was going to lose. I used them to build the course. Two intense busy days.

Traffic going there and coming home has been NUTS. So many f'n accidents, and just too many f'n cars. But I'm glad I don't have to deal with that shit everyday.

So anyway. Here I am, it is late friday night here, I need a shower, and to work on finding my shit for tomorrow.

I did actually get on the course. I did two laps in the total blackness. But on the Crossrip+ (it has lights). Ripped it. It was fun. Amazing how much fun it is to have 350watts added immediately to the pedals w/o working. FLYING! Even the slick commuter tires were fine. It plowed and dug in in a few spots, it was a chore to haul up the stairs and over the barriers and across the sand but it was a RIPPING FUCKING BLAST! I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THAT POWER without having the motor. Probably achievable, just isn't there now. But maybe motivation to find it. Because it was so cool.

And yes. I'm racing 40+ superfast masters 1-4 tomorrow, on my single speed. Because I can't go any slower than that gear and there were only a couple gears harder so, well, I'm gonna need to spin up the cadence for a few sections, and will have to go faster in others (rather than downshifting and going slower).

Hopefully we'll see you tomorrow.

Beer is on me if you're drinking, if you can find me, I'll get you one or if you're lucky, two.

Also as of tonight: Jumpsuit crotch hole is patched, we're back in business.

heddwch
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The break for giving thanks holiday

Except it seems to have co-opted into something not that.

Mood's been back more in flux lately. Good moments, bad moments, overwhelmed moments.

I'd comment on Supercross Cup but well - what can I say - it looked fun I wish i was in shape to have been there to race super stoked for Jane to have a podium break through. She's been really focused lately and this is pretty huge for a totally unsponsored (aside from a few race fees because she's collegiate). She could do well, her bike handling is really solid, and she's figuring the rest of the stuff out.

Thom's Dirtwire coverage is ridiculously good. Super pumped to have had that.

I wonder how Myles fared talking to the venue on Monday. Is supercross going somewhere else next year?

I am not going to say anything else about the race - don't want to be sucked down a rabbit hole of unresolved and difficult emotions.

I haven't touched the CX bike since Fruitlands. Probably won't get to it until Friday. 4 weeks. I sprayed it off but still a handful of dried on cleaned grass. I did toss some lube on the chain, hopefully it is okay. Although I'm not going to go back to gears this year. Likely signing up for NBX to race the 40+, but mostly to see how long I can hang out riding the single speed before getting lapped. Lantern Rouge! No where to go but up, eh? Can't get much slower. But hopefully I can turn this around. Going to help set up, use up the two vacation days i'll lose on Thursday and Friday running around helping Matt and the rest of the NBX crew get set up.

Oh and the van is all fucked up again. Weeeee. Symptoms are consistent with a known fuel pump relay fault. If no recall though I'm on the hook. Although the same TIPM is installed on a huge range of Chrysler vehicles, only a handful have been recalled, for fuel pump failure. The TIPM is just a fancy fuse box but with permanently attached electronics and non-replaceable relays. There's a fix, I'll see what I can do about getting it working on Thursday. Looking to drive the Volvo till then. At least that one is somewhat reliable.

I'm kind of bummed about how the cars getting fucked up and needing shit disrupts my mood.

I rode less in October and November this year than i did last year. That's nuts. I guess last year I was riding my new CX bike a couple days a week in the woods. It was great. Somehow I've gotten even busier this year?

Sober thanksgiving is going to be really strange. I did a great job not getting blasted last year, until I got home. We'll see how this holiday goes. It'll be fine and I'm not worried about it. But I guess the VA in-laws were worried. We're only going down for a couple days and I am not drinking, OMG WHAT IS WRONG IS EVERYTHING OKAY HOLY SHIT DO WE NEED TO EMPTY THE HOUSE OF BOOZE OR NOT DRINK AROUND HIM? Alarm bells and panic was caused by the suggesting that my SIL's MIL not give me the usual 12 pack of Yuckling wrapped up for christmas...  Hey thanks for the support, yeah that's great. Means a lot. /sarcasm

I've been catching up on a ton of stuff here - seems odd - still catching up. Here as in work as in doing stuff I have been putting off because I'm too busy or instead of doing it while eating lunch I'm writing a few words down. Which is i suppose okay instead of not taking a lunch break and just working from when i walk in until i leave. Checking twitter while I'm waiting for computers to restart or hardware to sync. Twitter's good for that - finding a good balance on there that is better for me. Avoiding FB pretty much as much as I can.

tomorrow's going to be 'fun' it will be good but it will be busy and we'll rush around until it is time to go home then sit there with not much. Guess I have a book still to read. Bike stuff to get ready for and wood to shift around. Plenty to do. Oh and the car to work on.

At least the forecast is moderating a little. only supposed to be 13F tomorrow morning and 11F on friday. Good temps for working on the car on Friday. Oh yeah. Well it is going to get warmer than that - how much? we'll see - would be nice to have a garage to do this work in, but such is life.

Okay - i'll write happier better shit with good stories sometime. For now I'm just using it as it was meant to be - super low traffic under the radar long form get shit out of my head.

heddwch
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so strange

state of mind now

 sinus infection has kicked in a little, hopefully it stays out of the lungs - fact/observation - not related or strange. Also got the flu shot today, sure it is a racket and companies stand to make millions and millions on the shot, all for some scientific wild ass guess cocktail of non-infectious strains. But hey - figure they change it every year - just adds to the catalog of familiarity that my immune system has....  can't find a good argument against it.

Did the wellness thing while I was at it. Numbers are good, people are crazy. Did accidentally get into a discussion, asking the "choose healthy sugar" lady if her pancreas could tell the difference between sugar from fruit or added or refined sugar. She kind of fell back on the but the fruit is better for you line of bullshit, and I said Type 2 diabetes is still diabetes.

Was reading more of that new book. So good. More thinking. So bad.

Alone. Me.

going to let this one simmer tonight before posting.

=---=---=

and so i let it simmer - did a bit of a rescue of someone stranded in the snow last night, never got to this yesterday morning, haven't read much since then.

I forget where i was headed with the alone part - except that I need to be alone but also not alone - kind of the typical shy introvert that craves contact with sympathetic and friendly humans.

Just got fucking derailed and chewed out. Nothing significant but still enough to take a pretty okay day and destroy everything I've worked at building up over the last few days.

I did at least get the Gallery stuff submitted before that happened.

Fuck...

No bike racing this weeekend...

Riding in this morning was like dumping a slurpee over each foot with each pedal stroke.

The low bottom bracket plus the rain saturated snow and pouring rain meant the wave off of the front tire on the bike path was soaking my feet.

I didn't put on winter cycling shoes, or shoe covers. My feet were fucking COLD.

And the gloves I grabbed, i have only used them in the cold, they work for that. They DO NOT work in the rain. They filled up with water, nice cold water. trapped the water in like it keeps the air out. Kind of wetsuit style I guess. But it was not good.

Managed to make it without any lingering issue and everything is dry right now for changing and getting dressed and riding back home.

Fuck...

still really bothered by the issue - assured it would all be okay and not a problem but I could have handled it better and am just sad angry and pissed and 'derailed' is a good way to put it.

oh well...

heddwch
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Identify the problem

feel pretty shitty that it is a problem, so trivial, mope about it for a bit, but now that it is identified well DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Can I do something about it? Not without a massive cascade of negative impacts on other people. Am I willing to do that?

Nope.

Sulk...

look for options... none

Suck it up big boy, time to move on and try to make the best of what you've delt yourself.

Deep breath, lets get shit together and make stuff happen.

Although since nothing is really changed - the chance this will repeat again is absolutely assured. Maybe next time I'll have better mental tools. After all, life is about adding to the tool chest. A hammer and a screw driver can get a lot done, but it doesn't take long to realize if you're even partly aware that they might work, but they're doing as much collateral damage as fixing.

yeah - got out of the shower (late blah blah blah - i'll be at my first appointment on time and I've already gone through the emails) and brain was in good head space.

Maybe from thinking about the gallery show coming up at the end of January and logistics and trying to figure out how to get some demo dissecting scopes to complete the whole process of scale perception.

time to pedal. unfortunately - gonna have to take the assist, but it is a very welcome option for days like today!

heddwch
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a passage in the book

It is a good book. Deals with a huge range of sexuality, gender and future and strangeness but well crafted so far. As a set up Soq is non-binary, gender neutral, they/them/their. Confusing for some old timers who aren't used to those words being singular pronouns.

Three-quarters of the way out the Arm, Soq stopped at a noodle stand. This one had little stools and a tarp on each side to keep some of the wind off. Soq was swallowed up in clouds of hot steam smelling of five-spice powder. Home was noodles. Home was food and warmth. Soq paid, took a stool, shut their eyes, and meditated on the moment, its beauty, its peace. The coldness of the wind and the warmth of the food and the fact that everyone eventually dies. Letting go of everything they did not have, every ugly thing they’d seen, every moment of pain they’d felt that day, the day before, every day to come.

Kind of a good meditation side of things eh?

I think perhaps there's some space for some meditation beyond what happens on the bike. Because that sometimes is meditative, sometimes the opposite.

Snapshots

That is what this is, remember. Moments.

Tailwind on the way home in the dark. The charge indicator on the headlight turned green literally about 2 seconds before I unplugged it.

Felt good on the bike.

Missing the bike.

Thought quite a bit more on the way home.

Got home, started working on dinner. Turned some music on. let it displace all the negative shit and just focused on cooking.

Felt much better. Dinner isn't what I planned, but it isn't terrible. The chicken wound up more Moroccan than Mexican, but on the salad it still works. Tasty.

I got thinking about the sausage tent sausage and stuff... lead me to think about how I never manage to show enough appreciation for somethings and excessive emphasis on stupid inconsequential shit. Shouldn't be a bit surprise esp since there's very little normal about me, normal/conventional/whatever.

okay - gonna do some reading i think... i could clean up but that takes too much energy, and it is at the where do I start point and if I start how do i stop and I just can't. So i'm going to read.

heddwch
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waffling

Feeling pretty okay and functional.

Something really dumb derails me and I'm back down being miserable.

At least over the last 24 hrs or so it has been feeling a little better and better but still - like just now woosh onto the waffle iron, ouch

below the fold TL:DR "up and down and hopefully more up than down by the end of it"

yeah - it is monday

I'm more rested thanks to the early coffee cessation yesterday. And to DiPinto for drinking part of the pot I made at the shop while teaching the bike maintenance class.

I was dead tired early. Couldn't keep eyes open at 6pm. Struggled through making dinner, got in bed just after 8, read a little more, fell asleep.

Man was I off yesterday. Way way way off. Not much better today. Saw this earlier today and though yeah kind of right.

Depression is like airplane mode, but for people.

— Brandon (@brandonlgtaylor) November 11, 2018

Can't really sort it out, just have to keep working on getting everything done.

Ride tomorrow is cancelled, not just because it is raining all day but that certainly makes it easier. now to figure out what to do with the day - probably just be back here catching up on stuff could be doing in the few minutes I'm writing this.

Not even quite sure how to describe it, chemically it is probably just nothing is firing in any of channels. Hey welcome to my world. Maybe this is still part of the re-adjustment to being with out the ETOH chemical influence and the downstream metabolites. Lets go with that. And stick with that I guess as the going plan and keep pushing through.

At least I'm recovered almost completely from that last cold. Tiny bit of nose stuffiness. Kind of wish I could clear out one of the days of the week when the weather isn't shitty but yeah, no dice.

Maybe I can scrounge a few hours anyway.

Also thinking about the bikes. Yeah I have that sweet Klein Qunatum Pro, and I love that bike, I like just seeing it hanging in the bike room. But riding it, not so much, maybe care too much for it, or the shit on there is old, the levers just don't feel super comfortable... The dead CX bikes were at least really good road bikes. until the cranks fell off. The white blue is trainer ready but not road ready (brakes) still down a crank on the black blue. The paramount needs a new fork, and the Crockett is an awesome CX bike but it sure ain't much for road and I'd have to change tires. But a road bike with only a 34t chainring kind of sucks. I made a 40t work for a year, but that was pretty spinny.

I took the orange tank out saturday, the big surly 1x1. lovely tall gear perfect for around here, good for riding on the road alone, not so much with others. Ah well.

plugging through, trying to make it work, life is crazy, for everyone yeah?

Time for lunch - writing in fits and starts probably reads pretty terribly - fortunately there aren't many reading it.

heddwch
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Figures

Best laid plans and all that...

Kid was supposed to have an away soccer tournament, no one to be home with the dogs, no trip to NoHo. Too far for a day trip, but then maybe not, could be fun showing up saturday, not fun driving though. But with that trip and them being gone all weekend I scheduled a Park Tool School Class for Sunday.

Get home, "tournament is cancelled"

so Saturday of sleeping in after they all leave super early, not so much just me hanging out, relaxing, alone, maybe going for a ride - cooking what i want with lots of  mushrooms and stuff and just being here has turned into not that.

Change is fine, it is whatever, kind of would have liked to go to NoHo.

tempered frustration...

sigh...

was going to tweet about it but who cares, can't really complain, no need to complain but i'm still slightly frustrated and what not.

guess i can still get a ride in maybe. Or not? Maybe I'll see if any of the local SOGs want to head out.

BUT WHAT BIKE DO I RIDE? Depends on who comes out to ride I guess.


Anyway - I started a bit about art and stuff after watching the movie on Wed. I had wanted to go to the Nature lab opening reception but schedule conflicts and stuff.

Oh well things are what they are and will be...

Still, it would have been fun to be at NoHo this weekend.

heddwch
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Harmony

I avoided everything last night. As much as I could.

Yes I voted. I took my oldest to vote. First election for them. Pretty sure they will never miss another election. That is the future.

I would have loved to see Beto win. But a long shot is a long shot and to be that close speaks volumes. Should be seen as a positive.

here’s the video of beto saying “i’m so fucking proud of you” if anyone needs a new alarm tone pic.twitter.com/mkApPHjW9W

— Adam J. Kurtz (@adamjk) November 7, 2018

Case in point.

Florida is gonna Florida. Another twitter gem was this.

I swear Florida could be voting between ice cream and a kick to the head and the results would be 50.5%-49.5%.

— Benjamin Park (@BenjaminEPark) November 7, 2018

I mean absolutely right on it seems. Riding in I was thinking, well if sea level rises what happens to Florida? Thinking this as I'm riding along a handful of feet above sea level on a bike path that would be gone before, or along with, Florida was less than fun of a thought, but then again, RI isn't flat and while a good bit of it might melt away, the smallest state would just become smaller.

Georgia? Well Stacy hasn't conceded, I hope she doesn't and maybe there's a recount and shit changes there but, yeah, that's a long shot, not quite worth being optimistic about. That said progress and challenge is enough to offer hope.

It is good. All this stuff. The flipping of the house, the governor's that did win, Kansas? how about that shit!

It wasn't the overwhelming blue wave but it was a pretty solid wave and more importantly it seems that it has created a foundation for change. The tide is rising a bit. A part of me, while ever hopeful for the full sweep, was worried about it. What the fuck would cheeto and co do if they lost everything, backlash would be insane. Now? they won just enough to feel they did something, heck both sides remain hopeful it seems. That's good. As long as there's a chance the rules won't change too much. And in the two years before the next election maybe some non-republicans can make headway and a name for themselves in some of the red senate states.

I hate to be positive and happy. But, well, you know...  it could be worse, and this really is pretty good - although I still want to punch Nazis and make racists afraid again.

My cold is fading a bit. Although looking forward to trying to be functional tonight I am back to last week coffee intake. At least I'm not blowing my nose every 2 min.

But the day's schedule is already messed up - time to shift stuff around, no more internetting for a bit.

heddwch
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Dischord

Hard core dischord in my heart.
But listening to the catalog at Dischord is good medicine:


The elections - the visual apathy from the white "independent" folks (men) who don't care and see it all as a ridiculous exercise and pointing out that there's no real difference between the R and D parties, they are both corrupt corporate tools with no recourse for real change.

I disagree, esp lately. But there's this lingering frustration. The whole being in a state that is #1 super small, #2 pretty consistently aligned with the Democrats and tucked in a region that is consistent. Not homogeneous, there are plenty of racist douchebros here, and everywhere, and they get bolder with every rally and every FauxNews broadcast.

Le Sigh. Can't vote in the Texas thing, but man I hope Beto can do it. And the governor races in FL and GA. Can I vote in those three elections? No. But man so much hinges on all three races.

And that fucking add that ran during SNF holy SHIT. fuck.

MAYBE THIS ALBUM ON REPEAT

Currently half thinking about driving to Northampton for Saturday just to hang out and see everyone, maybe bring the dogs. It is a long drive to just hang out, esp with so much not getting done at home and winter coming and me having lots of wood to split and stack (and get the seasoned stuff under better cover to dry out the rest of the way). But it would be fun to head up there. Even just to spectate. But it looks like I'll be teaching a bike maintenance class on Sunday the 11th. I may need to elect to stay home and lay low and chill with the dogs while everyone else is out at an away tournament.

But anything beyond staying home is going to be based on getting over this fucking cold. Nose at least isn't running as much as it was yesterday. Holy shit. Maybe side benefit of not drinking is getting over the seasonal cold faster? I think that also may require me getting some more sleep.

or at least catching up on sleep. or both. I've cut back on coffee the last couple days. Not by much but it seemed to help falling asleep last night.

Haven't been on the bike other than the trainer on Saturday. Not today. Kid is coming home from college to vote today. So I drove in to facilitate getting the two of us to the polling place. And then back to the train.

Man I need to ride my FUCKING BIKE.

I've let work creep into my riding time. But then everything else has crept into my riding time, work is just a small part of it.

Oh well. I'll keep working on making time to make time to ride. Maybe I need to do the NECX HOTM challenge again. But perhaps make it a 6 month challenge. Jan-July. Heck maybe it needs to be either two hundos a month or one double. Or two hundos ending with a double in June and July.

Something. Need something/someone to get my butt moving. I'm not doing a good job of self motivating, gotta change that.

Also lately have been reflecting and missing http://ezracaldwell.com/ Thinking about MLFN ... and stuff...

Too much thinking...

Starting last cup of coffee right now. It is noon. Going to be interesting to see if I can make it through the rest of the day w/o any more caffeine.

At least this morning has been a scattered - support - email - organize - fix - advise - morning, conducive to web logging and listening to Dischord's catalog:

heddwch
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moments

moments here and there - sort of patches of sunlight sneaking through the cloud cover to light up the landscape for a few minutes.

mostly gray

I want to re-read The Starship & the Canoe but it is kind of hard to find and not in the digital library - haven't looked for print copies there yet. I read it in high school and parts of it stick with me. Also this one too Baidarka.  I have both in print, hopefully still at home, perhaps one of my brother's read them and they've moved on to another pile of books. Neither are in the shelves that I've hauled around with me. Def going to be looking for them when I head home in December.

Project Orion also looks like a good read too.

This hit home too. Russ shared it on twitter - was good or not good to read. thoughtful and relateable indeed.

Peter's helmet article also very solid. I can't find fault in it other than the red meat bullshit.

I need to head home, grab groceries on the way home. at least enough stuff to supplement what little is left for cooking. never made it to the grocery this weekend, busy doing other stuff.

Non-stop. Lost a vacation day. oh well. doesn't matter.

Halloween was. headed to one of the close friends of the youngest - everyone was drinking, I turned down a pile of beers, easy, no pressure, no problem. Felt right. No longing. Almost at revulsion level now. Esp smelling beer on other people. My how the tables have turned. And that's a good thing, but it will still take a long time for it to be normal for me and for it to not be constantly part of my thought process. something like that gets ingrained and not easy to change.

well, i'm writing instead of leaving to go shopping.

best cut that shit out so dinner is ready before 9pm...

heddwch
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Rough patch

speed bump?

def too much coffee lately...

hey there is only one substance to pour myself into - it isn't going well i guess...

Was just asked, in a very well meaning genuine way, "How was your race this weekend?" And ugh it deflated me like getting dropped on Hillside. If not asked, if not dropped, I can make good headway, this kind of back filled the sails that were already barely making steerage.

I keep wanting to post shit to twitter - or facebook. May just go back to 2006 style blogging, pre-social media. pre-facebook, pre-twitter...  back when there was a blog and Flickr.

Heading in late I got an email today: "I'm here in room 111."
?? I double check the email thread - WEDNESDAY at 9...  I double check the calendar, yeah it is still Tuesday.

Sigh.

last night I see cool photo by someone, taken of cool people with some black and white images hanging... they are 12 min away by car from my house. But i'm mid-making dinner. sort of feeling bad about not finding out or being able to make it down there. but oh well.

Cheshire and Putney are a confirmed no go, same reason Rad racing weekend is also, and NoHo is too.

Maybe Shed park, but so far away.

working through it - process - one foot in front of the other

zombie sleep walk'n

heddwch
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Fruitlands CX + Aftermath

Yeah - that wrecked me. Shortest ride with the most debilitation results.

The good:

• got to hang out with Alan and Sharon B in the reg room and see Gary and John and everyone else (AlecG, CTL. BH, KL, AC, DF, GM, CB...  all yall)
• Tires worked amazingly for the first two laps
• I got lapped and didn't have to do an extra lap
• I was still riding sections that others in my race (lapped me) were forced off
• Food at the food truck was tasty and much needed/appreciated
• Bike worked great
• Weather was awesome for racing
• Uneventful drive there and back, driving home chat with Tom D

The not good:

• Was dropped basically at the start, they had a gap before the first turn, I ran up on them on the run up but then said good bye
• After two laps even the tires stopped hooking up but I kept trying to make them and that was slow
• There was no grass left to ride on by the end of the race
• I got lapped half way through the last lap and got passed by half of the field not counting me.
• Food truck was $20 for not a ton of food, that shit is expensive and I bought it because I know how much Gary and John worked to get at least one food truck at their events.
• Weather was shit for spectating and worse for warming up (so I warmed up running around capturing video - see Twitter and Instagram - it was not a good warm up for pedaling in the mud)
• I got in bed at 8:30pm
• I fell asleep at 9pm
• I am STILL really tired
• Sunday felt like the day after an all drinking saturday

Yeah I guess that's about it.

The course is difficult for me normally with normal fitness. But Saturday I didn't even feel like I could race. I was just pedaling around in  my 34x28 most of the time. I couldn't turn on the turny sections, I could kind of pedal in some of the grippy sections. It was strange.

Needed a warm up, yes. On the bike, Yes. But most likely wouldn't have helped that much. It was a good reminder as to how slow and far behind the fitness curve I am.

After Crosstobeerfest I felt good, but that was flat, it was the end of the day and I felt good.

I didn't feel bad on Saturday, but I was tired, really tired. I keep thinking maybe something is wrong with me, but then I measure what I'm doing, with how long it has been since I was totally rested/recovered. it has been a long time. I'm not living the athlete life.

Eating well enough. Not digging a deeper hole with beer/vodka. Mentally I'm still up and down. But mostly just tired all the time. functional. But tired. Break? Yeah at some point. The schedule isn't looking great right now for racing. But I need a break. Legs are still sore from saturday. Walking all over boston may have not been the best idea for Sunday but it was fun and kept me moving, even if I was in a fog the whole time, hungover w/o the booze. Fighting the cold/sickness that everyone else has had the last week or two is also a factor.

Oh well, resigned.

Now that I have the trainer set up, I'll def get on it and see what I can do to build a bit more fitness going into the last couple races. Although it won't amount to much of anything besides building towards next year.

Struggle still. So much struggle. But I am blessed, I am lucky, things are good, things are going well, the burdens are mine, how to keep me but recover. Trying to keep everyone else afloat isn't easy. The racing is my thing, my time. It is fun, even getting lapped and having no fitness, it is good to be there to see friends. But not 100% of me is happy and that portion that wishes I could race a bit faster, race a bit more, be a bit faster...  That's tough.

Oh well.

I'll keep trying to figure it out. This is kind of one of those days I would have taken a few shots with morning coffee before leaving the house and followed up with one at lunch. It is rough. But it is still not that bad. I've got to keep reminding myself that. It is actually pretty good.

Okay - time to finish lunch, then work on untangling the chaos that comes with running the picture factory...

heddwch
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I did it

I actually got on the trainer.

And it wasn't terrible.

BTW Suntour XC Pro cold forged (110 bcd not micro-drive) 180s are STIFF mofo cranks. No flex on the 50t chainring out of the saddle. Heck the white blue barely moved. That's a stiff bike.

I went back and forth on playlists, couldn't find a good one. Wanted to do the Death Magnetic intervals, it wasn't in my Google Play music online or downloaded on the phone. Well shit, what else, settled on doing a 13 chambers workout. Wugazi. 3-4 min songs, 13 of them. Did a 15 min warmup to some random electronic mix. Then hit the Wugazi and first one high load highish cadence, mostly seated. Steady state for the first song. Recover for the next song, then did 50x11 standing for the next song, recover, repeat first one, recover, standing one, recover until album was over.

Def felt it the rest of the day but unlike racing once, and since I needed to boost recovery I actually downed a quick protein shake after the intervals, ate lunch, then showered and went on with the rest of the day.

I'm feeling it a bit today but not terribly, more good feeling than not.

Also due to chilling in the morning I had less than normal coffee amount and was wiped at 9 and even better slept super well and accidentally fell back asleep this morning (yeah was late) but holy shit it felt good sleeping. Oh so nice. Need more sleeping, maybe this weekend.

Not tomorrow - that's up early and all that - racing early is going to be strange.

But racing at about the same time of day I did the intervals yesterday, was deliberate and it felt good, even if I did them in a totally fasted (just coffee) state.

Got the bike sorted out. All clean and shiny and with gears and the old Rocket Ron tubeless tires. They did not set up as easily or effortlessly as the WTB Nanos did. They bead isn't as tight. But they seem to be holding air, and I topped them up to 40 PSI and rode that bike in today.

A mistake mostly because i was late and realized I haven't gotten sweaty riding to work in a long time, barely even in peak summer. Crossrip+ is a nice commuter bike. REALLY NICE.

And i was late today and there was a headwind.  And I made some breakfast to eat after riding in. That I barely got to eat because i was late because I made food and then left late after sleeping in later than I wanted and rode the bike that takes longer than normal to get here.

That was just fun to write. Kind of silly sure. pointless indeed.

But hey the bike switched over. It has mud tires on there. Perhaps not as legit grip and go as the Limus, but way better than a PDX, and much faster rolling on not mud than the Limus. Also way better than what was on there until yesterday.

And then I put the bike on the DS-1. Park digital scale. 21 pounds.

FUuuuuukc that's heavy.

Most of the weight is the wheels. The bars and stem aren't light, the 105 levers are beefy and the frame is the hugest they make. Most of the weight is the wheels. I did shed close to a pound, all rotating weight but swapping the tires. So that's a good thing. Maybe next year I'll get some super sweet amazing wheels built and designed by the best at an amazing price aka some Trek Aeolus Pro 3s. (gotta stay on brand right?)

From the preview shots and the overhead map the course looks like a good balance from previous years and if we get the weather we're promised it should be fun, even if it is all climbing and I'm likely going to get lapped and be last or almost last.

I debated the 40+ or the 2/3/4 and ultimately went with the former because based on crossresults points I was pretty close to DFL in both and fuck it - lets get it done early. I'll race, try not to get lapped and just have fun slipping and sliding on that hillside. I'm excited about it.

It will be a good distraction from the current politics.

Okay - lunch time is over. Even though I'm not hungry because I ate a big breakfast not long enough ago. Gotta move on to the next thing.

And that's doing something other than this.

At least I got the tires on in the correct rotating direction!

heddwch
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Fruitlands on saturday!

Yeah, kind of almost the worst GeWilli course possible. But hey when you're building fitness, when you're slower than you've been in a while, why not go for the challenge.

Lots of reasons not to. Everyone around me is sick and I'm barely hanging on. Bike has one gear, and that place isn't SSCX friendly. And no, while I contemplated running it as it is, I don't want to run that much. And the gearing is actually pretty mud friendly, and by that I mean low and slow. You only go as fast as your easiest gear. And no - i STILL don't have mud tires on the bike. Should have put them on for Gloucester, should have put them on for CrosstoBeerFest (awesome Dirtwire video up about the race BTW -

There's a good bit of GeWilli footage in there.

And I'm tired. BUT you know it is promoted by a couple of great guys. Kalon cross wasn't terrible but it was and it wasn't. Yes I've raced it before, kind of enjoy it I suppose. Although I'm getting tired of driving up to exit 27 or whatever it is for all these races. But that's not a bad thing. I know where I'm going mostly. In this case head to Bolton Orchards, turn right and drive around some more.

I've been getting a pile of emails asking about the class I'm teaching in the spring. Yeah, I teach people here at the Ivy towers, as Solobreak liked to heckle me about. That's pretty blah for me but i guess it is kind of cool to have a pretty high demand unique class that some of the brightest kids in the country want to take. Not many legacy kids make it to the level of microscope class. Anyway - i have to add that to the pile of stuff. Syllabus, registrar, overrides, interviews, guest lectures, samples, ordering foldscopes, arranging gallery viewing of their stuff. There's a good pile of everything else that didn't get done while I was working with the folks from PDX on the microscope.

BUT

I moved a training session from this morning to tomorrow morning and have taken a day off.

Vacation day. Use two by the end of the month or lose them both.

I might be losing one. Oh well. Better than losing two.

Stuck in bed with my pack. One 50# hot pad pressed as tightly against my side as she can, sleeping, the other curled up like a furry doughnut happy as hell to be sleeping on the comfy bed in proximity to me. I have a good pack. These two are pretty special. Nice and warm too.

Making it tough to get up and wash the Crosstobeerfest mud off the bike and clean up the wheels so I can change the tires and gears.

I kind of also want to get the White blue franken bike revival on the trainer and put some effort in the legs. Need to hit the grocery store too...  and need more coffee.

The world seems to be going to hell, or at least this country is. Having the dogs to hang out with, a race to focus on, work to keep me busy and engaged if slightly burnt out and exhausted, not bad. Waffle between feeling good and not happy, oddly maybe it is having the day off, still being in bed with the dogs relaxing and letting it all go for a few minutes is good.

I worked to make sure I didn't have any cross-over with jerry on twitter last night - still tempted to go through and block all his other accounts in retaliation but whatever... it is part of the re-evaluation. How to figure out moving on, maintaining who I am and striving to be a more positive supportive person everywhere, not just in person but on the social medias and all that.

I need another cup of coffee and it isn't going to make itself. but man is it nice and warm under the covers with this sleeping dog on top of them. So snuggly.

 Yeah yeah, no dogs in bed. But they are so cute and they really like it.

And they are only 50#, and yeah they shed a TON. and this white one snores like me after drinking a bottle of vodka.

Formatting is a bit odd, not having a computer to write this and compose like normal. Oh well.

But back to the top, Fruitlands. It is hard. It is a Litka race. Running and hills. Elevation change and fitness.

I have dropped a handful of pounds lately. These sporadic races combined with running low on calories frequently have started to make an impact. My skinny pants fit better now. Not bad.

But I am still drinking way more coffee than I should, flip side? I'm still falling asleep easily and sleeping well. So I'll cut back when i have a real vacation or something. IE NEVER.

At least the sun is coming out. Should make it more tolerable to play with the hose and brushes and clean off the bike. Then get on the trainer, should have done it yesterday to allow more recovery for Saturday but I'll take it easy tomorrow.

I'll stop rambling now. Mostly all this is who cares. Good to have an inanimate object to talk to about stupid stuff - aka the web log.




heddwch
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Baby steps

With $7 I got the white blue set up for the trainer.

Need to swap the brakes or put on Travel Agents if I want to ride it and have brakes that work. But for now, It can pedal, it has a gear range that should make the fluid trainer actually put up some resistance (even if I had a thru-axle adapter the 34T on the crockett is much too low for anything other than racing CX - even then...)

Seriously. 34-11, me...  mr big chainring guy. I laugh every time I look at it. I can forget about it in Singlespeed mode but still... super funny. Although it is helping to prove that tiny chainrings wear out chains ridiculously fast.

Okay so I dug out the Suntour XC Pro 180 crankset. It had a 38 inner ring on it and I had a worn but not too much 50t to go with it. Grabbed a whole bar and stem off a Pilot 2.1 that was being tossed (too rusty), bars a narrow but it is for a trainer, who cares. And boom, in business.

Well as soon as I pull out the trainer and actually attempt to ride it.

Motivation slipped.

Looks like this weekend may be Parents weekend solo trip up to boston on the train to see the kid.

I was even thinking about putting gears back on and riding Fruitlands again. That 34T would have been great. Although likely need to change tires, or at least change the rear tire before that.

That was just the preamble, when am I going to race again?

Secret Squirrel?

That sheet I made up with the potential dates goes from Fruitlands with a big question mark (it is hilly, I'm big, I don't go up hill well, I'm still not in great shape) to Secret Squirrel to NBX to Ice Weasels.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.

Fuck.

One race in november?

Fucking hate the front loaded calendar. I wish everything wasn't so far away this past weekend. But I needed the time. Sunday was pretty low key, I did make it to the shop, but only built two bikes before tackling the White Blue project.

Too much shit building up here though. I'm looking at my emails. It is crazy how in the hole I am. It is at the point where it is overwhelming. And I felt overwhelmed on Monday last week, a week later and it is even worse.

AND IT WAS FUCKING COLD THIS MORNING...  WHAT HAPPENED TO FALL? It was fucking HOT, now it is FUCKING COLD...

I suppose I'd be less grumpy if I actually dug into the winter clothes and wore some of that stuff.

Oh well.

Seasons change, time to move on.

heddwch
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Films are cool

I was feeling pretty blah this morning. Tired, overwhelmed by what needed to get done, feeling wiped from going nonstop.

I made another coffee, and while surfing the twitter on the little pocket computer that rarely gets used as a phone, the Northbound film caught my eye in a Stevil post. It is a skating film. I don't skate.

But I had an idea, I've got this fucking new TV thing (months old now) it is attached to the internet, so I cued up Vimeo, watched it there. Fucking amazing.

Hmm lets watch something else.

For some reason https://vimeo.com/295233741 caught my eye.

Longish, but so good.

cascade of thoughts started swelling. Motivation found maybe? But more something along the lines of calm and perspective.

I tried to sleep in a bit this morning, to rest up. Not so successful. But I also needed time to recharge a bit. Watching though, it is okay to keep going, the process he applies, works for us all. The more we do something the better we get at it and the more we can do as we get better. But fun.

Finding the fun. Wed night for some reason was more fun. Finally coming into enough form that I am finding it again. I mean it was always there, always. But hiding under layers.

It is good not to be racing today. That added stress, even if not stress, the added busy, the going, the preparation. Letting go for a few minutes, relaxing the brain and the body.

Recovery.

The last couple weeks have been a literal grind. Mid week races aren't easy but packed in the middle of some intense training session on the scope, very long days. Even more work piling up as I focus on that stuff def not helping.

Extra talk and discussion about "why are you doing that job? you'd be amazing doing this job!" I don't have an answer.

But that video helped something click. The cinematography, the vistas, the ethic, the success.

My plan for this year was to get back into the racing groove, to rediscover the fun and the will to train and get better. I'm making progress. The long plan was to build for the following years, to link it together. To pile a few races together, use them as an involuntary build for next year. Go into the winter with a step or two ready to attack the smackdowns.

I've been keeping the Bruce Lee words about water, be water, I think i've twisted them a bit but flow around the obstacles, adjust course, keep moving, be the river.

I can't be anyone but me, I don't ski, I don't skate. I ride a bike. I ride many different bikes. But mostly I identify with CX.

Since 1996....  not that long ago it feels, but emperically a lot has happened between then and now. To the bikes and to me. That one race that year. Then winning the series the following year, then mid-pack killer B finishes, then the slow fade to a 40k mile a year behind the wheel of a car loss.

But words that keep coming back to me.

If you don't want to watch all 3 mins jump to 1:50 in the playback. That's what I'm talking about.

The rest yes, also but those words.

I'm kind of finding it again.

And another point on KF's letter the other day, a bit of the past, moving on past, it was, it happened. Can't go back. Like the river. Those banks and vistas are gone, no matter how nice they seemed and how amazing we think it might have been to turn into a lake at that spot, we're miles past that now, changed by the seasons, shaken by the rapids, transformed by the waterfalls. I'm getting better at being where I am now. There are elements that keep trying to pull me back, suggest things could go back they way they were, but that isn't possible. I have to keep looking forward.

I've delayed the day enough now. Need to move forward, get some stuff done, put some shoes on, go outside. Go grocery shopping, fill the van tires with air after the cold TPMS alert, fill it with gas for the trip tomorrow. But I'm not going to do the oil changes, not yet, low key day, relaxed as much as I can, recover. Refuel.

recenter...

heddwch
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Don't write blog posts listening to the Smiths radio

Quick recap - CrosstoBEERfest was fun.

Even racing it as CrossSOBERfest.

I got a nice long note from a friend this morning and it hit all the right notes and it made me realize something about the race last night.

I'd never raced there before, no emo baggage from previous events clogging the memories or feelings. It was all new.

I did totally fuck up with the fact that I forgot who people were or didn't recognize others, sorry to y'all. It isn't easy being 'that guy' even not in the jumpsuit, esp since I'm terrible at linking names and faces until I am not. It takes me a while. But was still pretty awesome being there.

Hanging with Myette was good.

There was mud. There was a line of fucking insane shit that blew through just before the start, dropped the temps by a good pile of degrees - felt like going from 60 to 35, but may have only been 45 but the clouds and mist and the bitching wind that destroyed the course in 2 minutes as the Sport race was finishing. Three of four of them wound up running to the pits to finish with dozens of meters of yellow caution tape in their rear wheel.

It was dark. It was muddy. My bike isn't great for the mud, we've established that. Some of the mud was rideable. I probably could have ridden 2-3 times more of it than i did and that stuff even faster if I had put on the Rocket Ron tubeless tires. But I didn't. Oh well.

I didn't get lapped, I almost was able to stay with Tim Mayo today, BG caught me, I rode with Geo M for a bit, and generally rode my bike. Had one bit of phlem catch in my throat and cause me to gag and nearly puke on the penultimate lap, that sucked and slowed me down a bit in a pedaly section I didn't want to slow down in.

i rode the twisty stuff pretty well. Ran 18-20 psi in the tires and still was sliding a bit on the show ring stuff but the grass and stuff was good. The barriers were almost invisible, and there were SO MANY LOG DISMOUNTS.

I made people sad by not taking beer handups. And yeah this is an unsanctioned beer handup allowed race.

And even then, despite passing up the beer, it was awesome.

I'm my own worst enemy, and I often only manage to write a bit when I'm struggling, and it is a slow process but I am feeling better and more comfortable with me as I am lately. Things are how they are and I'm grateful to have made it through the last 5 years as intact as I am.

Anyway, I've got to get back to dealing with everything here - it is insane, but I'm in a good headspace and maybe racing at 6pm is what I need to do more often. 

time to play with the pictures

heddwch,
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GPGCX aka Glawstah

First one was back in 2006. Missed it only last year IIRC. Pretty sure I did both days between. There might have been one other year I missed it, haven't really checked.

The year's I raced both days I made the 2 hr one way trip each day. Usually there is one version of the weekend course that suits me. Sometimes Tom Stevens makes it a Saturday one, sometimes a Sunday one.

I haven't raced the 3's aka Killer Bs in a very long time. I'm a very long way away from fitness I had even in 2016. I'm a galaxy away from the fitness I had in 2013, and even then by most measures I still sucked.

But that's nothing new, nothing I have delusions about. But man, being this far off what I have been is not easy. I knew the week was going to have a negative impact, no sleep from stress/anxiety, not eating well, not pedaling much. I haven't done an interval since probably 2015, maybe january '16. Can't remember. It has been a while. Right now I can't because the bikes are broken and the Crockett doesn't fit on my trainer.

Now - add all that with the rain. You know I love the rain. I love finding the traction and I usually do much better in the mud. But that is also partially tire selection. I might as well have been on 40c file treads. Aka lets take a poorly suited tire and make it fatter and even worse on that grease. But nothing to do about it. It is the tire I have on the bike right now. I have one set of really heavy wheels, and it has been a reliable combination, works great when it is dry, pretty good in dry loose stuff, absolutely horrible when it is wet, esp if there are ruts. Also not much mud clearance with those. It was muddy today.

It was pretty damn cold when I got there - upper 40s and rain. I was not prepared for that, I had what I had. That at least turned out to be correct. So, to recap, I knew my fitness was going to be pretty shabby, CORRECT! I knew my tire choice was going to be absolutely wrong, CORRECT! I got clothing right for the race conditions, CORRECT! Unfortunately the last one couldn't help me race better, but at least it kept me from being even worse than I was.

Not DFL, but pretty fucking close. But I did finish. I didn't give up. I did get lapped, and I still got a good 50+ minutes of trying to race.

Starting from the back row in a field of 100 is kind of bonkers. I moved up but there wasn't much else to do but I also didn't go full gas red-line like i did at Mansfield. Maybe I should have, couldn't have hurt me anymore. Picked some awesome lines, passed a bunch of people. Even though my tires were super sketchy at the beginning there was still just enough grip that the first part of the course wasn't a disaster. I avoided piles of dudes going down. But unfortunately when it came time to the pedaly sections I was toast. And would lose most of the spots I had just gained being able to drive the bike. But I wasn't going backwards too fast and there were guys around me. Until the second lap and I made it around to that odd double right hand line chicane just before the path along half moon bay and I took the better left side line, but some other big dude took the shitty right line, botched it and fell on top of me, knocking me off my bike and down into the tape. By the time I got back up and going, Alex M was gone, the guy who knocked me off was already going (he stayed up there by virtue of bouncing off me) and there was only a few behind me.

And then we hit the section from the Rock to the end of the park. The first lap through was good, this time? alone? not so good. Rinse repeat. Alex took a bike, we rode together, he got a beer from the beer garden and stopped. I got lapped. I was told I looked REALLY slow by Justin C. I was slow. The tires were frustrating. I was slipping and sliding but not crashing was good. I managed to save it dozens and dozens of times. Only one time did I punch a wooden stake with my index finger on my right hand.  It hurts.

I'm sore. I'm tired. I'm out of shape, the bike is still muddy...  it was great seeing people today, but it still felt a bit odd. So many years there as part of a very very closeknit team or working for others and being distracted enough not to notice that absence.

Paul and crew put on a great race, the even was awesome, I raced terribly. But the bike was great other than the tires, I did really appreciate seeing friends there, it was fun having Erin there too. It was very nice having someone in the car on the way home to keep me awake and focused.

We'll see what I can do about Wednesday. I've got tomorrow and most of monday to figure that out.

Oh and i even managed to fuck up the Garmin file. I hit start/stop at the start instead of lap, usually every other time I've done that I correct the mistake. This time not so much. Took me until the unit gave me the powering down beep to notice. I even forgot to put the HR strap on, had it there even, not that the numbers would have meant anything. I might have looked down, felt like i was at an aerobic limit and noted a HR of 140 and tried to get it higher only to not be able to.  It doesn't matter though. I captured a little bit of data.

I'm mentally starting to dwell on the bad at the moment, the stuff that I was missing, the wandering around alone parts of the day. The inability to pedal hard enough to look like I was racing and not just riding around. I keep wondering if all that good warm fuzzy awesomeness was all post race beer euphoria. What ever it is, I did actually have fun at times, will I have more fun if I'm in better shape? Maybe, but for now I might go back to sticking with singlespeed. Even for the big races. There were a few there in the Cat 3s with one gear only.

Okay, it is almost 10:30 pm, I'm wrecked but also still wired. Not a good combo. And there's no chance of sleeping in tomorrow. No rest. No bike race but that doesn't mean I get a day off to recover.

but hey at least I kind of got a race report written.

heddwch
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And then suddenly

Everything is resolved. Not just one but doubly.

Car is working again, and soccer was cancelled.

Hooked the battery back up, checked fuel pressure at the rail (30 psi btw)... Started like the battery was low but it started and stayed running.

Let it idle for a while, drove to the shop. Turned it off, because if it didn't start again I know I can leave it there as long as I need to. But it started there absolutely flawlessly.

While at the bike shop I got an email saying the fields are closed, they are too wet. So no need for two cars or to be packed up really early and race right to the venue in the van and hope to have enough time to get ready.

Kind of like reading a suspenseful book, except i'm the character being tested and it seems like i'm living it with no way out and then suddenly inexplicably everything worked out.  This time.  Meanwhile there's the massive dark shadow of the deteriorating government of this place, i fear no matter the groundswell that someone is going to make sure the current system stays in place and cheetohead keeps fucking the world up.

Climate change? Pfft, whatever.

So yeah while this small bit of stress has resolved itself, there's still plenty of shit to worry about. But some of us are cursed with awareness and an empathy that prevents us from rolling through life carefree and happy.

But hey, I GET TO RACE GLOUCESTER! Although I'm in the back row with Chris Y and Matt Snow and even Ryan Kelly. Although I don't expect to see Ryan for very long. But maybe I'll manage to pull a few tricks I've learned over the years and not get totally destroyed. Maybe I'll even stay on the lead lap, but I doubt it.  But it doesn't matter. I'm looking forward to that challenge. I've got nothing to prove, no sponsors to represent, just racing, for me. And because it is the 20th G-ster, kind of cool to be there for that.

I suppose I should clean the bike off from Tuesday's mud. Although maybe the drive up will do it for me. May not worry about it. Not worrying about the fact that my wheels are insanely heavy, or that my back tire is pretty much bald, and that they are way too wide for mud. It will be what it will be and it will be nice to race.

Even as slow as I am right now.

Probably should eat dinner tonight. Was so fucking wrecked on Wed that I didn't eat. Yesterday got so crazy at work that I didn't eat at all, until dinner.

Ah well.

Tomorrow.

The saga of the GeWilli continues...

heddwch
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No closer

To figuring out what is wrong with the car. Sort of.

There's stuff it isn't it seems.

Still wouldn't start yesterday, one possibility is the fuel filter - it has 195k miles. Probably the original. But that's inside the tank and part of the fuel pump. I'm gonna stink of gasoline if I get that far this afternoon.

Could be key? could be. Unlikely. Antenna ring? Unlikely - taking it off it won't even turn over. As in immobilizer seems to not be the problem.

There's a plan worked out though. We all head to soccer, and leave from there and drive straight to Gloucester. Even hitting a bit of traffic I'd get there in time for the race, get to see a bit of the Elites and then head home. Not ideal for racing but fuck it - i'm not acting like much of an athlete off the bike, even on the bike. Strava is showing mostly commuting on the E-bike or doing short smackdowns or races. Nothing else. There is nothing else going on.

No training.

I should do something about that. Or this is just a re-alignment platform to get me headed in the right direction. A handful of lost years, maybe in as many i'll have found something again.

How many lost ones? 2013, combo physical injury (blown up bursa in my knee) and emotional one that g-ride helped facilitate but ultimately of my own doing. Much like the knee. Realistically it has been 5 years of pretty much steady haze of alcohol. each year having fewer and ultimately no AFDs. The loss of that time, the loss of everything, but ultimately not losing anything, other than myself for a long time. Sounds contradictory perhaps, but maybe not.

The resolution of tomorrow is helpful. Having a plan makes it better. Not sure I'll make it to Crosstobeerfest though. But then I'm already wrecked and I have three supremely mentally taxing days in a row with that in the middle, I probably need to skip it to keep some sanity, or at least some physical capacity.

Def need to get the other car running no matter what. Even taking racing out of the equation, there's routine instances when both are needed. Still. Unfortunately. I do hate cars. Hate how dependent we are on them, hate how impossible it is to function given the current round of commitments w/o one.

And yeah listening to smiths on the pandora thing after a drenching ride in before riding back home to work on the car seems right.

Best get going, one down scope at ship street means I have to start the fixing process for that before I can pick up the process of the volvo... man I wish I had better diagnostic tools for the car.

I keep drifting into a mental bubble of thought - distracted, unmoving, not productive...  day dreaming i suppose, mentally checking out, not idly but not immediately productive.

Last night I just wanted a break. A few days, even one, that I could just sleep in, not worry about fixing a critically failed something, or get to something else that's been put off only because of emergency. A mental break. I would like to rest my brain. I guess that was one of the protective mechanisms happening while I was drinking. It would certainly shut down enough of the worry processes that I functioned as a coping mechanism. Not having that going on right now is building up I think. And no, not ready to replace it with anything else. If I can't figure out how to function straight edge I can't go back to something else. If i can maybe i will. But part of me really doesn't want to.

Yeah, getting intensely more introspective lately here I guess. And right now esp.

Burning daylight, time, best get moving.

heddwch
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