C M approved

Mel's mullet...

Good dad movies... But good GeWilli movies? No.

Last year my dad called to say he had Parkinson's​, on father's day.

This year I called.... Left voice mail. Some how my three brothers coordinated together to fly to CO but let me know only after it was too late.

This is way better than Twitter, esp since most of the five lake checking this won't until Monday....

Might as well have a couple more beers...

Heddwch
G

Watching commercial TV

Holy shit.. cancer/diabetes STOP EATING MORE THAN 25G OF CARBS A DAY...

INSULIN SHOCK? HEY HOW ABOUT YOU DON'T EAT THAT FUCKING SUGAR?

sorry... Trigger...

How is it that people who are supposed to get this, don't.

How is it people don't get it? Why do you need insulin? Because you eat the sugar. How about not eating the sugar?

Somethings never change...

Sugar is still the enemy... 

But most of you thing orange juice is healthy...

You're fucking idiots...

And.. I don't care anymore. I suggested to Chris M maybe skip the sugar heavy smoothies... And he's dead... Killed himself.

Maybe if I hadn't tried to help, maybe he'd be here, addicted to fruit morning smoothies is better than dead...

It is a shitty day.

Y'all be good.

Even if you decide against the advice... Science is not engineering, science is flexible, happy and willing to be wrong. Because being wrong means agreeing with facts.

You decide.

Today sucked.

But no worse than most. I got a handful of bikes built. Starting to offset Nationals for the youngest, rock band camp for the other.

I do what I do for them.

Every day.

Every fucking day.

For them.

What ever it takes.,

Heddwch
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Well shit

Lethal Weapon marathon? Even with commercials​ sign me up although... I'm not sure I'm gonna make it till #4...

HFD at least to those who are them and all that....

I worked, did grocery shopping, called my Dads now time to start cooking my dinner.

Heddwch
G

huh

well, i had a couple beers (yeah whatever, i like beer) and clicked on the twitter bookmark....

didn't make it 5 seconds of scrolling before I closed the tab and took a big drink.

THIS IS A TWEET IN OLD MAN FORM...  aka before people were all in on 140 and using it for everything...

the rain on the ride home was awesome...  effortlessly pedaling at stupid cadence with that ridiculously low gear...  no tailwind, but still sub 30...

and best was no one on the path.

arm warmers and windvest in mid-june? WTF? but it is still raining...

raining hard. I'll take it i guess. better than the start of the week at near triple digits.

heddwch
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David Gilmour Comfortably Numb Guitar Solo in HD!

sometimes watching movies in an altered state is good. One example, Pappillion. HFS amazing rapt attention from start to finish altered. Intense and powerful. Unaltered, damn this is slow and long and lets get to the good stuff...

The Wall... now the wall holds up both ways...

and this guitar solo kind of doesn't suck.

Time to ride home in the rain, i've delayed it too long as it is...
heddwch
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obsessive addictive behavior

pays off sometimes, well i dunno about that, when did I start the Trek U stuff? couple days ago, made it to Ninja today...  figured I'd take a look at the benefits and the discounts (aka employee purchase program)... need new shoes, they ain't got no mtb shoes in my size... oh there is one pair, and they are bright fucking red. not my favorite but guess i'll have to wait and see. also there's a couple Boones in my size, but one is the canti Race Shop Limited one and the other is a '16 disc with sram stuff. nothing else.

oh well...  the shop management wanted everyone to be ninjas, i made it woot!

got the last couple modules done today between waiting for email responses and over lunch.

was maybe going to bring the dogs in to work but a bit too crazy, kind of feel like leaving early, but there's a bit too much going on.

sitting down to write instead of opening Twitter or FB. haven't looked at the first since yesterday...  talk about breaking the OAB ... or at least switching it up for something else.

Now to get back to S-tec and get back to above that 75% level. Scheduling everything is a bit overwhelming. But hey, i've been slowly getting back to caught up, actually may almost be. Took long enough. not caught up with the riding, that's been sliding but is okay.

Of course i write about almost getting caught up then I remember a few things...  oops.

oh well...

Looking forward to getting the prints up over at the Brewery, finally connected with Paul on the phone today...

small steps

heddwch
G

not ninja yet

but getting there...

for the first time today I checked into twitter...

first time i was like "what is this shit soup, i don't like it"

I tried to spend lunch and a few defined down moments working on ninja today, but it was insane, two/three problems/consults at once, literally. and usually it is once at a time with time between...  lately? nope.

Oh you thought you could do this? nope.

This?
Nope

how about

nope....


endlessly... nope...

trying to balance everything, not doing too bad of a job, not having the worst time...  able to say "yup, i don't know shit but lets see what I can do" coupled with "yes i can help but it isn't an easy answer lets see if we can get through it w/o interruption"

next week will be interesting, both being here with my oldest just the two of us and not being in CO with my brothers.... if I step back clinically i see it as a very exciting time to reveal more insights...

right now i'm gonna try and sleep...  not riding much lately but still kicking my own ass non-stop...

super lame blog post but fuck that critique...  it is what it is and dumb as it is, it is...  take up your objections with anyone who comments on this bullshit

heddwch
G

ninja time

well...

if you're not engaging in social media (aka twitter and facebook) suddenly there is a void to fill...

obsessively working towards Trek Ninja status....  also trying to get back to platinum S-tec after too long of doing one or two modules a month. Also Trek's is annoying, have to get everything 100%, at last S-tech is settling for 80%. And yes, full disclosure, in the beginning I was retaking the s-tech until i hit 100%, because it mattered to me. Now? GIMME 80% (which on a 9 question quiz is an unfortunately tight margin).

I could read a book but am in between ability to sink into book moments.

also bailed on Smackdown tonight. Weather looks like they pulled it off but I'm not ready to go and bike wasn't either, I do hope Pete gets me the new drive train before the single speed explodes. Yeah, it is on order, sure I could have just paid 2x as much on the internets and all that and been done but yeah no.

It'll survive... maybe....

getting pretty loud.

I have bearings for the beer truck's headset. I've got bearings for the black blue. Beer Truck's are easier to replace, but gonna make it a priority to get them both running before the end of the day Sunday, somehow.

Dinner then some educational videos.

heddwch
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baby steps

at this point with as fucked up as shit has gotten tonight over stuff that is pretty trivial but most absolutely important to some but less to to us much less athletically inclined... well

I've refrained from blasting a string of shit from the private twitters...  as in I really wanted to, but then didn't.

not that posting here is better but it is a release, esp since there's literally probably one or two people i can talk about this with and they both probably need a long explanation to get it if then and it is unlikely to convey properly.

And now just handed a card to my kids from my 100+ year old grandmother

disarmed but maybe less so... and just sad and feeling like a failure for not flying the kids across the country routinely to see her...  second guessing choices is what i do best BTW. but hopefully long term investment choices are worth it, but as with life, you never know.

The choices you make.

The are, you deal...  you move forward.

Or you move on, in what ever direction shit sets you on...

not sure really how to wrestle with the next week, my brothers, yeah all three, w/o me are flying out to Denver to drive together to Saguache to be with my dad for a week...  E and the youngest are going to be gone for all but two of those days and my oldest is here, no driver's license with the dogs and yeah... well... adding to it obligations and commitments of being one driver family with dogs at home mean Saturday plans are out the window and Sunday? that's a stupid day anyway. FUCK the patriarchy. Fuck those guys....  bunch of assholes anyway.

At least I'll be in a better mood in the morning, can't sleep worse than I did last night. Hey AC is pretty solid

Never have I switched from Heat to Cool without weeks of "off" in between. Always a first.... struggle mode but hey, whatever, that's life, I'm a welsh dragon.. we carry the fuck on, and still survive....

if i was to get a tattoo (not that i could decide where or which one or stylized or flag) that would be my first tattoo...  size and location relative to cost and all that....

Probably would do a St David's day leek, probably a daffodil too...  awesome plants and dragons...  pretty solid Welsh Botanist theme...

dreaming is fun, maybe i'll by a lottery ticket because well you can't win if you don't and the mental benefit of thinking you might is supposed to be worth something...  right?

Still probably won't buy one though... bad math.

Tomorrow is a new day, eh?

Heddwch
G

fat mechanic

btw - i'm pretty close to saying fuck it with the racing of bikes and being just a fat mechanic...

i can go head to head in speed and knowledge with pretty much anyone wrench out there, yes there are plenty better/smarter than me by honestly, not that many....

mojo for racing/riding/training has been leached somehow...

this would be a tweet but has too many words, although I am also confident i could craft 140 characters to say it...  still on twitter ban.

no one asks if i want to ride, not that they ever had, seems I always was the one asking....

maybe i'll pull it together in time to find some fitness before CX rolls around...

doubtful though.

it is what it is....  resigned to the long term investment....

at least dinner will be finished before the sun sets tonight.

heddwch
G

Coffee Ice Cream

Is it not the best?

I make most of the ice cream we eat in this house, not that we eat much, not that I eat any, but organic milk and cream and sugar and vanilla? I dunno, pretty much that's all that goes in there, read a label of most of the stuff out there....  more than 4 ingredients I bet.

But I hadn't made coffee Ice cream in a while, the oldest requested it, but ran out of time last night, made it this morning.

searched for ratio, i'd made it many times once finding the secret. but i guess hadn't written it down.

The secret?

Good (in this case some hipster fairtrade) Instant Coffee. Yup. You heard me right. Instant coffee.

Why? well you can dissolve that shit in Milk and milk is the base for Ice cream (unless you have shitty low fat content heavy cream then milk is a diluter. Organic Valley's Heavy cream is heavier than anything i've tired (short of buying raw and separating it myself, haven't done that yet).

I mean I love milk fat but using the 2 cup cream to 1 cup whole milk with that stuff is like making sweet vanilla flavored butter.

So a million years ago I stumbled on the 1 cup OVHC and 2 cups whole milk.

to make the coffee ice cream I put 4 teaspoons of the instant coffee in the milk, and 8 tablespoons of sugar. Dissolve both in milk (shake, heat, whatever) once dissolved cool that milk back down in the fridge. When it is all ready (cold and dissolved) add one cup of the OVHC (organic valley heavy cream if you hadn't figured that out yet) and 2 teaspoons of vanilla (good shit, fancy stuff) and mix it up. Put in ice cream maker (the cuisinart one is pretty fucking badass and i've been using it for 15+ years w/o hitch).

And that's how you make coffee ice cream.

Chocolate? skip the instant coffee and dissolve 1/2 cup of cocoa powder in the milk...

keep the shit simple and shit tastes good with very little effort.

Also....  tag in for those following along. I am not sure if it is good to spend so much time alone with my thoughts building bikes. But, bikes means i'm less broke...

heddwch
G

continuation of a discussion

Those daily affirmations? I need to add a few to mine. Or just start doing them.

Talking with a friend, and yes I do that occasionally now, not as often as I used to, in fact far less frequently than before '14 rolled around, logarithmically in actuality. But that's neither here nor there and things change and people drift apart.

Okay, not intended for that to be anything more than a clinical evaluation and statement of what it is, no resentment/judgement or otherwise implied. I'm still making the adjustment but am at peace with it.

TO THE POINT! of the title...

I got solidly more introspective after that post i edited all the shitty sad depressing parts out of (i saved them as a separate draft so as not to lose them totally)...  I was drawn out a bit by a left coast friend, afore mentioned yes.

He asked a question: If dinner was made, bikes were fixed, and money wasn't a problem...  would that fix it? (no direct quotes, pulling from top of brain beaten down by the day). Gut and instant and long reflection? No. Those are things I can do something about was my reply then. But then if I can why not happy when. Today, clicked a bit, found my personality. Why drawn to cycling? long term investment, takes time, need to do stuff w/o immediate reward.

All this shit I'm doing is long term, and when I forget about it I get sad. But human nature and sometimes mine is to feel sad when everyone around me is getting instant, or short term rewards...  something I'm not sure I have ever had, despite being aware of everyone else, but then someone probably can point to some short term rewards I've gotten. That's the other side of the razor. If short term reward received, feels undeserved. Appreciated, but undeserved and as such doesn't satisfy the reward and happy circuit of the brain. That coupled with who knows when the long term rewards happen = not the prettiest of pictures. Esp if you link in my cycling success. Outside of the fall of 2013 i've been horrible on the bike racing it. And even then? I was just passably competent compared to my CXy friends...

I've been thinking about this long term reward thing, and it has been helping my mental state/perspective. I've been struggling but never super dark or despair, okay there was literally one night a month+ back that actually scared me how bad I was, but scaring myself was enough to rebound enough to keep making sure my long term investments and actions to help others despite reward intact. It is a weird selfless plan. So contrary to most successful humans that it seems lessened. But fuck that. build your immorality by leaving behind impressions that will be remembered.

--

page break

--

I wrote this a good number of days ago, haven't been back to it since. Well I re-read it yesterday (I think, it was crazy, i think i read it while trying to quickly eat lunch) , but i didn't edit it but i did think, damn this shit is on point.

Maybe I read it on thursday? I dunno. Can't keep track. And now that the russian bots are in hiding the page views are appropriate.

my oldest kid turned 17 today and my youngest's team won the state championships this morning and is headed to nationals in July. In Indiana. I watched the game, then raced home and back to the city and then shopping and then home and then bike shop all the rest of the day then back to the city pick up kid then back home work hard on making dinner, but it was late because well i was late getting home although I could have been home and had someone else pick up K but well...  that would have made sense.

corner turned? mostly. I think. completely? not even close.

I haven't ridden outside of commuting in a couple weeks. Maybe Tuesday'll happen. I'll have to ride the Klein again, old, heavy, non-aero, whatnots. I hate having such an equipment disadvantage, but on the other hand, this shit was prime at one point, even if i wasted it when I was younger and had the best bikes...  too bad i never was able to match up to the bikes I had.

At least now the bikes are a good reflection of me, broken down, barely working, not fast, heavy, tired, worn out all the time. But still bikes. even if i'm down to two barely rideable ones. Bikes are still awesome.

New drivetrain has been "ordered" when it gets here? up to Pete and the next order from J&B.

i'm gonna hit post. Crack open a beer and find something entertaining on the internets and consume instead of create for a change...

heddwch
G

woops

Well... last night... talk about an unfiltered brain dump. I knew there was a few things I would be inclined to edit when I re-read it.

But was actually surprised at which lines I wanted to edit, then debating if I want to change it or just leave it as a raw reflection of the moment.

Kind of leaving it as the latter.

Waking up feeling pretty good. It was wet but not raining., Getting better at not looking at twitter/FB. But the new Instagram algorithm is killing me, I hate it. Gimme chronological order please. It is like they are trying to kill the original side and focus on stories only.

I didn't really take a break from this so much as just freaking have been going flat out.

Walking to the shuttle from the remote facility I got thinking...  my job, I help people. All day. That's what I do. I don't make stuff, I don't have to hit goals or sales targets, I teach people how to use microscopes and then figure out why they aren't working. Yeah yeah, no big deal, I get it, used to it, but it is also different than many people's occupations. odd though that i thought about it at all. Other than it actually, even as silly and inconsequential, i invest heavily in it and it actually is kind of emotionally exhausting at times.

But hey rode in and it wasn't raining. Roads/path were soaked and puddling and lots of debris kicked up on the bike even with the fenders. Found out about a secret outdoor hose, so bike actually got all the shit washed off before going into the office to hand out all day. Bonus!

No smackdown because of rain. We were going to start the West side version, the OG Mark Nicholson one but rain? nope.

anyway...

maybe things will settle down and I'll get a chance to relax. Also i'm kind of bummed that I can't fly out with my brother to visit my dad...  so that was kind of bringing me down. But it just means I'll have to carve time into the summer somewhere to head to Colorado. June's kind of already stupidly busy though. Supposed to have a lull. But well...  this year is different.

every year is it seems...

heddwch
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Frank Turner - Glory Hallelujah

Yeah...

is there a better refrain for the fuckheads thinking they are better than everyone else?

Clap your hands together motherfuckers

distance

been trying to find myself...  started writing four different posts. Didn't actually create a draft for any of them except 1. but that one isn't on blogger. it is somewhere else.

click over here - every post before the last has 100+ views, the last one only 15. Makes me laugh.

What to write about besides not writing?

Working, all the working, picture factory is crazy, building bikes and stuff, being at the other shop means I've already build more bikes in the last couple months than the previous shop has at this point by nearly 2:1. Means better $ but more pressure... gotta get them done. But getting them done means $...

but then i haven't ridden at all, with anyone really. May last year was what 1800 miles? what was may this year? fucking no where close. Not even one hundo the whole month.

Dropped to the second page over the weekend for the state in the National Bike Challenge. Very different than last year.

Everything is different.

words sometimes.....

respect to Frank Tuner, for putting words together in a way i wish I could.

for Against Me! and Rise Against and NOFX and the rest of the fucking music makers who've kept me going....

We'll play, everybody will sing...  I won't sit down, I won't shut up, and most of all I won't grow up...

thanks Frank...

maybe i need a few tatoos....  if I could only decide......

life...

dinner is almost ready...  will be ready sooner if i wrap this shit up and step away from the computer....

heddwch
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words from Cruising altitude

There’s been no hiding that I’ve been struggling lately. Life’s been grinding me down.

Last year after classes finished I more than doubled my total annual mileage and then some. Only losing out to the state competition by 10 miles for the month of May. That was brutal. But I’m okay with it. This may is going to be different. Already has been. I’ve ridden my bike once this week. BIKE TO WORK WEEK! ONCE! ME?! And this is going to be the fist BTW day in PVD i’ll have missed since the first one I showed up at in 2006.

It has been wearing on me. I’m drinking a bit more than most people but still not more than people I know and never before I start cooking dinner. I should stop but it is nice, I enjoy the beer or two. Currently enjoying a Ginger Williams at 30k feet in the air.

I was reading. I loaded up the Pixel C with 8 books. At the last minute (this morning) I checked out Oliver Sack’s On the Move.  I had downloaded it as an audio book for the drive back from Asheville, but Overdrive didn’t get packet 6 out of 9 and well I stopped part way through it and listened to some trashy explicit sex book for the rest of the drive (entertaining? yeah, repeatable? nah). Got back, bought the paper version of the book, started reading…  then somehow stopped reading, stalled out in Voyages.

So today, time to go back. And man, it couldn’t be more perfect. The stories with SJ Gould, with Francis Crick, (currently there at the moment) could there be a more inspirational moment…  yes sure but it fucking clicked.

Something clicked. In a really good way. In a much needed way.

It was a fucking struggle getting here. To the plane. An hour before I left I found the air compressor dead. An hour later I think it is working. No compressor, no functionality for one scope, limited for others and three dead air tables. And I’m not going to be back in the lab until Monday.

So yeah. I’ve been struggling. But, well, shit’s not terrible. But not amazing. I’m absolutely blessed and lucky but not blissfully happy, or at peace.

The art install came down and reading the fucking amazing shit that Oliver is writing about, resonated.

I’m not a scientist.

I’m a very technically intense artist, mechanic and a teacher, that rides bikes. Self identity is important no? Yes. Own who you are, be yourself.

Back to the book, or not really.  Who inspires me? What does? Certain people. But few, nature, the view I see of things through the SEM. THAT fucking drives me.  Riding my bike. I’m not fast and the Smackdown has deteriorated into a fucking race like “Fuck your flicking elbow I’m not pulling through because if I do I can’t attack you later” (damn those words leveled a massive negative cloud on me…  so I AM NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE ASSHOLES or their coach who encourages the behavior despite being married to one of the people I admire above most --- yeah i suspect pretty much no one will get that, good)

BACK TO THE BOOK

I read the passage, and needed to write. Because like Sacks keeps talking about, the brain is amazing, crazy, complex but somehow I’m sort of figuring some shit out, brain wise for all and personally I suppose. Neuroscience man. Crazy shit. The idea of people like Gould, Crick, Sacks and everyone else, doing amazing shit is mind blowing.

One quote that started it…
“There can hardly be a greater pleasure in life than learning that an intellectual hero has enjoyed one’s own labor in return.”

Is it the same with artists? Yes. When praise is given by those you respect to no end for work you’ve done…  it is very much the same.

another quote from Gould in a letter to Sacks:
“Funny how once you get in contact with someone you want to meet for years, you begin to see things you want to discuss with him everywhere.”

Another parallel to life. It is odd, how do you deal with that connectivity? I don’t think you have to. It is there. Those who do extraordinary things (like these individuals) have more in common than not.

I’m headed to a place, an almost Mecca I guess, of the EM world. FEI’s headquarters in Hillsboro is legendary, and really the big gain will be in neural connectivity, the rest of everything is just minor small projects bit still awesome. But…  hey, the tool will enable me to do expand the artistic range of Nanoscape. And that drives me more than anything. De-installing at the med school Kris said “Let me know when you have something else.” An open ended statement but one that felt good and was genuine and encouraging, and pretty cool.

Not getting the Granoff show was a big blow, despite not being able to make it happen without the encouragement of another artist and individual of much respect.

Also, Pixel C split screen shit is FUCKING AWESOME, the keyboard is pretty close to mechanical and solid, split screen just makes it easier to transcribe from screen shots.

The last time I was flying across country the place was covered in snow. now? not so much. It was 90 when I left PVD.

The heat turned on in the house on Sunday. Now they need AC, but maybe it will be settled down when I get back, in the middle of the night, in a day or two…

I’ve been listening to lots of Frank Turner. His lyrics take over my brain. They resonate. Toughest moment was listening to the song for Josh. Monday morning i think. at the bike shop, building bikes to catch up and get ahead going into not being there, played the song. Bawled my eyes out. Miss Chris Moeckle. Really really miss him, and the song about Josh was pretty much everything I would have said, have been saying to myself.

odd how reading something, hits the trigger. odd how fast this crazy trip happened.

Words, I write, then I read, sometimes someone else does too.,,,  

Life is strange, and challenging, and man do I wonder what i’ve done…  

We’ll see when this posts, plenty more to say, reading, i guess, reading well written shit, is inspirational eh….   

A few edits but mostly just straight from the brain on the plane. Maybe I’ll write tonight, maybe I’ll read. Maybe I’ll see if i can grab a ceremonial Oly sixer for the west coast visit shit beet (i’ll drink a good one or two to make up for it)

heddwch

G

RI Red Rooster Ronde

Success is only judged by a metric that everyone can agree on.

So given everything I'm calling yesterday a 'Success'

It successfully crushed me the way thursday's hundo tried to do but was unable to.

It destroyed my one working decently light multi-purpose bike (bottom bracket is dead, shifter loose, still has RdR mud on it).

In abject contrast to Thursday's Hundo I was fine post ride, felt super strong to the point of surprising myself all the way till the end and until i fell asleep. I will admit to being really fucking tired but unlike Thursday, functionally tired.

This morning?

Fuck. That. Shit. Holy crap dude. I was a wreck. Took me forever to get out of the house, and pedaling wasn't painful, it was just slow. And I was tired all day. ALL fucking day. also that wasn't good but it was what it was and I'm home and dishes are done and dinner is made and everyone ate it.

Tomorrow is supposed to be smackdown, but Black Blue is dead in the water...  no fucking way am I going to attempt that ride on the SSCX death cruiser made of lead. I could take the quantum pro out of mothballs but ...  i dunno...  i may work to announce the ride and let everyone have fun this week.

M-Sun last week i rode 250+ miles. I haven't ridden that far in a week since the end of august. NO WONDER I'M FUCKING TIRED!

piling on with smackdown just seems really dumb despite feeling compelled to be the defacto ride leader, even if i get dropped everytime, or when I don't get dropped i get left behind because I try to wait for others....  

Yesterday was pretty awesome. Such a good day, even despite all my mechanicals.

I'm also in absolute sticker shock at a bar...  $7 for a pint? Holy fucking shit...  that'll get me more than happy for a whole night drinking at home...  dumped a week's worth of beer into food and a couple pints. Worth it? Yeah. 

The ride was so good.

Huge thanks to Roger for coming down, for Chip and his contribution in absentia.

Halfway through the ride I thought, "yes we have a shit ton of options for the route, we can change it completely... but...  only 15 or so people have seen this like this...  and they'll still have just as much fun as they did last year with this... I think we can run the same route next year and have even more fun.

Just going to need to work a bit better at not dropping balls and making sure I reach out well enough to get the attendance that will generated a significant donation as well as having a critical mass of awesome to ride the route.

I'll write up the ride tomorrow, maybe...  I thought things would settle down now... but yeah.. fuck that... totally screwed for the next while....

at least i have my commute... even if it is a stupid headwind on the way home

heddwch

G

terrified

i should be able to deal with this as old as i am, right?

I wrote tonight; "TBH [to be honest] I'm completely terrified about tomorrow, wanting so much for it to be good. Hoping it is good enough to build on. Mostly anxiously scared."

And it is true. literally completely worried, terrified, anxious.

But.

in the same breath, i'm so, so stoked on the route. I think it is going to be fucking awesome, epic and is just going to be the best.

So i'm gonna get up early, make some coffee...  if the kit is still wet that I just now hung out to dry i'll toss it in the dryer and tumble it.

I want this to work, but know given a few reactions "I didn't know about this" or "I put it on the calendar two months ago but now have a conflict" and I don't take it personally and totally understand but then can't help but feeling like I didn't do enough. Which is probably true.  I am certain I didn't do enough.

But then I look at everything else I'm trying to do, how many other balls I've dropped trying to keep them all in the air... I have to remind myself, I'm stupid lucky even to have this day open and a manager at job #2 who is accepting and willing to put up with my insanity.

This ride is going to be awesome. I think it may wind up being a sprint and a TT back to PVD, but it is going to be so fucking awesome...

I just wish I could make the feeling of dread and fear and anxiety about it all just go away...

There are some amazing people showing up, and we're going to have a fucking blast, even if i have just a few confirmed "I'll see you there's" I feel an intense gratitude for that. And at the same token a huge sympathetic understanding to those who can't and who reached out to say as much.

You know what's the worst?

The unknown.

For me.

How do you prepare for the unknown? Well if you're me you, by instinct, prepare for the worst. Because that's likely the case and far too often has been born out to be correct. Far too often, at least in my experience, or i just remember those more than the ones i'm pleasantly surprised.  Does that mean i'm not an optimist? or that I'm just a realistic pessimistic optimist? Or I just overthink everything in the frame of my personal experience and observation? Who knows.

Tomorrow is the last day of April.... Then there are 8 days until I'm done teaching...  then another round of unexpected stuff has shown up.

But tomorrow.

What will tomorrow bring?

I don't know.

But i think part of growing and learning is tossing yourself headlong into uncomfortable situations and hoping for some growth.

I'm really looking forward to the ride though, so that is helping stay steady and focused.

I guess I should make sure i wake up early enough to get the bike ready (yeah, srsly, it isn't ready - i was driving kid around and building bikes all day).

And waking up early enough is probably in line with going to bed soon.

SO damn conflicted hoping to find some peace before sleep, and wake up recharged and ready to go. This morning I just woke up really tired. Probably because I stayed up late writing...

oh shit...

good night motherfuckers
heddwch
G

hundo dundo?

I haven't written about it yet...

I should...

it was far beyond anything I could have expected, far beyond the physical challenge I thought I set for myself.

I'm not talking the 12 hundo, i'm talking yesterday.

But right now I'm toying with going to bed, or cracking another beer and writing.

Sunday's #RRRR is still hanging over me...  talking with a friend, how to label ourselves, pessimistic optimist, optimistic pessimist? prepare for the worst and hope for the best? Does that fall under the greek god Matt Roy's 6Ps?

How hard do i need to hit the pavement to make this generate the feedback that would make me feel it will be a success???  Far harder than i have time or yeah, just time, well a bit of mental focus too, to do.

10pm a handful of beers in is less productive than the time before, but the time before I'm getting paid, either by big job or by second job.

And yeah...  two, because how else is an empath gonna survive?

*unmuffledsoundofbeercanopening*

Yesterday was crazy.

Never work on your bike the day before a big event, well the rear brakes were gone. and holy shit i had no idea how gone. Got them fixed wed night though. Man, holy shit they were bad.

I wanted to put the road tires on, you know swap off the 980 gram commuter tires for something in the sub 400 range, maybe save 100-200 grams in tubes as well...  but nah.

Thought about taking the fenders off, esp since the forecast was to be dry. These fenders are awesome but not light weight.

In the end? I went with working brakes.

And a big orange single speed bike.

Left and got 3 miles from home before i realized in my hurry i didn't do the routine bag balm the ass/taint/ball region like i usually do for these rides....  Shortly after that I realized that, while discovering the seat post has slipped a few mm and correcting it, not getting the saddle lined up is stupid. Had to fix that at one point.

okay... too late for full narrative, maybe i'm still tired from yesterday...

it was a heavy mist from Rumford to Plymouth. Roads were soaked and so were Goldberg and Sarah. Me? I HAD THEM MOTHER FUCKING FENDERS ON AND O M G SO GLAD BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SUCKED TO RIDE IN THE RAIN W/O A BAG BALMED BUTT!

Also, it was south of 60 and i was the only one with knees covered, and also probably the only one north of 200# (goldberg is looking trim as FUCK...  he's mastered the adjustment to the new position).  And sarah's legs, coated in water were something to behold. An artistic appreciation, no more, don't worry, Just kind of an amazing concotion of perseverance, castelli awesome (bibs) and natural perfection. That said, both Sarah and Goldberg spent the day kicking my ass on the bike.

ONE DAY... maybe (doubtful) I want to be the strong one. Single speed riding means a limit on the slow end and the high end.

What that meant for strava is a handful of PRs on the route! SHOCKING. Couldn't pedal any slower so i had to go faster.

It is pretty flat between here and Paul's brewery. But not perfectly flat. Single speed was fun. Ish.

Also, 60 miles of cold mist/rain... I was fine, goldberg and sarah were shivering ice cubes...  There's some benefit to having a combined bike and rider weight at 250#.

Fortunately as soon as we left, the sun came out, literally, and dried up all the rain and we rode back and got to the point where Ice Cream sounded like a good idea and we stopped to get some at the Ice Cream Barn. And it was good.

But i was still cracked. LIke holy shit could I get more cracked.

Got home 116 miles later... contemplated the extra distance for a true 200k, but: fuck that. Got home, cracked  a beer, laid down for a minute, then tried to get up, and leg cramped, every fucking muscle from the adductor to the abductor to hamstring to quad. When those four fucking things cramp at the same time? NOTHING YOU CAN DO. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. it was painful. probably less than giving birth but closer (i'm guessing) than most men will ever experience.  Took me minutes of controlled breathing and insanely cerebrally contemplative movment to get downstairs... open the grillo's pickle container and take a handful of swallows.

30-60 seconds later...  NO MORE CRAMPING>>>>>

but residual pain reminded me of ordeal.

Riding in to work today felt fine.

Srsly. No big deal.

Tonight riding home I was tired, but was that because I was going flat out since I woke up today or from yesterday?

who knows.

Both?

NECX HOTM is done...  it is insane... Harder than imaginable srsly. Sure, riding 100 miles in one day once a month for 12 months isn't a big deal. Now toss in two jobs, family and trying to race CX...  you tell me...

Insane.

But.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

i managed to pull it off...

for no gain, but for the challenge...

a challenge i had no idea how tough it would be. Yes, I may have seeded the idea of the once a month Hundo (aka ride to Boston and home)... but credit Uri and crew for making it a thing.

One beer too many... nah this was the perfect point to stop.

life's a balance and I hit it tonight, yesterday was fucking crazy...  somehow not enough to knock me out, which shocked the hell out of me.

Now on to the next thing, building bikes all day tomorrow then riding Syl's route with whom ever shows up... not sure anyone will but looking forward to riding with those who do.

I'm done... brain... fried... B-travel maybe coming up...  insane to think about, exhausting to think about, and just when I thought the next week would relax... it is as fucked as this week was, man i wish ...  nah won't say it..

be the good in the lives you touch,
be like steve
support compassion and empathy
give a shit unlike ... words deleted (no not referring to toupe fiasco, but to a cycling coach who's given virtual head to toupe fiasco from the get go)

probably too transparent to those who get it, and absolutely confusing to those who don't....  oh well...

I R TIRED

g'night

heddwch
G

Last one? STOKED

honestly super stoked ... this is the final one...  well not the final one, just the final punch in the 12 month card.

Just that is pretty amazing. Am I ready for it?

Not a fucking chance.  I'm stupid tired right now. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through. Other than I kind of never expect to get through anything and I still do.

So why would this be any different?

Well single speed isn't the best bike for a Hundo for one. 100-120 miles on a 30+ pound fendered commuter tire steel tank? Sounds pretty dumb.

Or it sounds kind of fucking awesome. So stupid that it is so perfect as the capstone ride.

100 miles. To the same destination as the first one in May that started it all.

Also thinking, 100 miles on the black blue, 100 miles on the Klein, 100 miles on the white blue...  now thinking damn i'm not sure i've done 100 miles on the paramount yet... hmmm...  well i definitely haven't ridden 100 miles on the single speed...  i have done 12 and 24 hr races on the Adroit and Mantra (those count in my book as equivalent to hundos)...

Brakes are fixed on the SSCX, finally. I was going to maybe put the road tires on, but i'm gonna add lazy but more flat resistant and leave the 980 gram tires on there. because they are on there and I only have one set of wheels. but man are those rotors fucking perfect not a micron of wobble...

this week... man what a week so far. today again, like every day this week piling on top of the biggest weekend of building bikes and a massive low point on Friday night....  rest? recovery? I've been trying to take it easy on the commute, not sure i could have pushed myself tonight if i wanted to. tired.

Still greatly worried about sunday turnout, but honestly have come to peace with it. Those who show will show and we'll have a fucking blast.

We'll build for next year. And those brave enough will reap some killer rewards. The ride is pretty fucking awesome.... btw...

I still have to put bottle cages on and find a 15mm wrench that fits in the seat pack, or stuff one in my jersey pocket (bolt on rear, yo). but i'm not even dropping the bars. bottle cages though...  probably shouldn't overlook that. frame pump is attached. Gonna leave fenders on and well...

We're going to stop at the ice cream barn on the way home because... ice cream and that was Sarah's stipulation. i think Goldberg will be amenable to it, it also means maybe i can drop into the house with a few -fewer miles maybe.

and then i've got the craziest Friday and then following up with building bikes all day saturday and then I'll be up at The Shop at 7:30 ish on sunday for the #RRRR

and next week? oh first part isn't so bad, other than i'm booked all week and somehow have to get to the printer for a class art installations. whoops, guess things will slow down a bit more after the 8th, but not before....  not so bad, not too far away. I can make it.

Tired. Just about ready to climb into bed. dishes can wait until tomorrow, right?

Have a mind to put the seatpost mounted rack on the SSCX and strap my stainless growler thing i got for christmas and bring beer back home. but 50-60 miles of bumpy roads probably isn't the best for the beer.  Will save it for when i can drive out and give Paul the prints. Maybe i'll do that in may. in the car.

oh...  go read Tilford's blog right now, the eulogy posted is amazing.

good space but really kind of conflicted in many ways but nothing confounding at the moment... patience, doing good, working with what I can, helping those i can. My students this semester are fucking amazing, inspirationally, really feeling grateful for the chance to work with them and help them expand their excitement and creativity...

time to turn off the music (dipped into the Pogues station on Pandora, bit departure from the normal lately - i think it is possible to OD on suicidal tendencies)

music, art, oh also - wanting to play, esp after watching Chris Thile all day on sunday...  maybe i missed that window to be pro stage performer...

but i'm doing art stuff, teaching, helping, building and stuff...

it doesn't suck even when i get in a funk...  so i keep putting one foot in front of the other...


heddwch,
g