continuation of a discussion

Those daily affirmations? I need to add a few to mine. Or just start doing them.

Talking with a friend, and yes I do that occasionally now, not as often as I used to, in fact far less frequently than before '14 rolled around, logarithmically in actuality. But that's neither here nor there and things change and people drift apart.

Okay, not intended for that to be anything more than a clinical evaluation and statement of what it is, no resentment/judgement or otherwise implied. I'm still making the adjustment but am at peace with it.

TO THE POINT! of the title...

I got solidly more introspective after that post i edited all the shitty sad depressing parts out of (i saved them as a separate draft so as not to lose them totally)...  I was drawn out a bit by a left coast friend, afore mentioned yes.

He asked a question: If dinner was made, bikes were fixed, and money wasn't a problem...  would that fix it? (no direct quotes, pulling from top of brain beaten down by the day). Gut and instant and long reflection? No. Those are things I can do something about was my reply then. But then if I can why not happy when. Today, clicked a bit, found my personality. Why drawn to cycling? long term investment, takes time, need to do stuff w/o immediate reward.

All this shit I'm doing is long term, and when I forget about it I get sad. But human nature and sometimes mine is to feel sad when everyone around me is getting instant, or short term rewards...  something I'm not sure I have ever had, despite being aware of everyone else, but then someone probably can point to some short term rewards I've gotten. That's the other side of the razor. If short term reward received, feels undeserved. Appreciated, but undeserved and as such doesn't satisfy the reward and happy circuit of the brain. That coupled with who knows when the long term rewards happen = not the prettiest of pictures. Esp if you link in my cycling success. Outside of the fall of 2013 i've been horrible on the bike racing it. And even then? I was just passably competent compared to my CXy friends...

I've been thinking about this long term reward thing, and it has been helping my mental state/perspective. I've been struggling but never super dark or despair, okay there was literally one night a month+ back that actually scared me how bad I was, but scaring myself was enough to rebound enough to keep making sure my long term investments and actions to help others despite reward intact. It is a weird selfless plan. So contrary to most successful humans that it seems lessened. But fuck that. build your immorality by leaving behind impressions that will be remembered.

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I wrote this a good number of days ago, haven't been back to it since. Well I re-read it yesterday (I think, it was crazy, i think i read it while trying to quickly eat lunch) , but i didn't edit it but i did think, damn this shit is on point.

Maybe I read it on thursday? I dunno. Can't keep track. And now that the russian bots are in hiding the page views are appropriate.

my oldest kid turned 17 today and my youngest's team won the state championships this morning and is headed to nationals in July. In Indiana. I watched the game, then raced home and back to the city and then shopping and then home and then bike shop all the rest of the day then back to the city pick up kid then back home work hard on making dinner, but it was late because well i was late getting home although I could have been home and had someone else pick up K but well...  that would have made sense.

corner turned? mostly. I think. completely? not even close.

I haven't ridden outside of commuting in a couple weeks. Maybe Tuesday'll happen. I'll have to ride the Klein again, old, heavy, non-aero, whatnots. I hate having such an equipment disadvantage, but on the other hand, this shit was prime at one point, even if i wasted it when I was younger and had the best bikes...  too bad i never was able to match up to the bikes I had.

At least now the bikes are a good reflection of me, broken down, barely working, not fast, heavy, tired, worn out all the time. But still bikes. even if i'm down to two barely rideable ones. Bikes are still awesome.

New drivetrain has been "ordered" when it gets here? up to Pete and the next order from J&B.

i'm gonna hit post. Crack open a beer and find something entertaining on the internets and consume instead of create for a change...

heddwch
G