comfort

 Not sure I need to get into the whole cello thing, adjacent to it so completely, my brother studied with a few really amazing ones, and well he's still playing Philip's mother's cello. 

And this came up on my feed:

End the week on a good note

 Ever notice how some of the super stars really are absolutely flawlessly amazing singers?

Like Alicia Keys...

Her NPR Tiny Desk Concert is a master class in Joy, in Love, in harmony, in melody, in musicianship, in arrangements.

So good.

---

but now it is getting cold out there. I don't like that. Not quite ready for cold. Feels like we went from 90s to 50s and 60s. Skipping the 70s totally. Mid-70s, the perfect range. 

Y'all be good

Heddwch
G

and it rained

 it wasn't supposed to rain on the way in.

but it did.

and yes I'm procrastinating.

But also sharing this link: https://www.patagonia.com/stories/roscoes-last-ride/story-123508.html

It is rough after having to say good bye to Charlie, the sweetest ever (unless you were another dog, she did NOT like other dogs at all, barely tolerated Millie).

But still a worthy read. Didn't cry nearly as hard as I did watching the Dog's life by Shimano.

Trail dog, that would be a dream. 

Looked at the local shelter the other day, nothing but pit bulls it seems. Nothing against them, they can be wonderful and sweet and the best dogs ever, but they aren't small, and have a visual stigma, even with all the work everyone has done to advocate for the breed. Is it because they are the most feral and least likely to be spayed and neutered as a puppy? And then all the rest of the dogs, no chance to have more puppies unless they are an AKC/accredited/whatever breeder, or a stray or random unfixed animal. No more charlies, or millies...  can i find another JRT/Pit mix? Probably not, def not as a puppy. Or a Lab/springer mix like Millie? also unlikely. 

Sigh... that and watching Bernard Kerr's dog makes me miss Platty, my grandmother's then my dog after she passed. Platty was just the most awesome and loving english cocker spaniel, so yeah seeing Lada Man this season, has me kind of thinking that direction. 

But the odd thing is I've never really gone out and sought my own, they've showed up.

I watched Merlin being born when I was not too old, he was the biggest of the litter and we bonded. Then Platty showed up, same, then a gap, but there were family dogs, just not mine. Then we got to RI and the house and Lucy needed a place to live, and she joined us. she was spectacularly amazing, unfailing counter surfer and sneak carpet peeing wonder pup. Then Charlie and Millie needed a home...

And now Millie is hanging out, slow and stiff with age, lumps under her skin, slowed with age (same age as Charlie roughly)... and she's a little confused about Charlie being gone but I guess she's watched us go away for a while and then come back, college, world's selection camp, long race weekends... 

Is she just waiting for her return? But I think maybe she knew too, she saw the seizures, and the aftermath, and knew Charlie was 'off' but then what.

Yeah, just what GeWilli needs, something ELSE to overthink.

back to picture factory stuff
Heddwch
G

swipe post

Pulling out the computer? Nah. Phone based web log post? Why not.

I think I'm stressing to feel recovered from Freetown 50 on Sunday. That was easy tougher than expected. The fire tower climb wasn't in the course in 2019. Not being able to shift made me faster on the tech and hills but slower on the two track and while the course was longer than 2019 time was essentially the same. I had a few goals. Highest was to do well in the placing, second level was beat my previous time, tired in with that was to finish before 3pm. Finally goal was to just finish. 

Last one seems pretty low but finishing the F50 mile is not certain. And I think just doing that was huge.

I finished 6th. There were only 7 starters, one DNF. And finish timing was staggered pretty well. I was the oldest by 6ish years, tallest and heaviest by a huge margin. I think my bike was even heavier than Giles' surly 1x1 (rigid, steel, 26" wheels). He managed 3rd on that and the rocks were a huge struggle with the wheel size. 

The singletrack was more relentless than I remember, and the two-track further between. And that one section before the second feed zone was rough. Everything was rough on the hardtail, but when I was with people I was as fast on the single track as most. But the faster sections, well. Other than before the fire tower climb on the first lap, were slow. First lap up to the fire tower was good. Or too hard. But I will say it was fun, my skills are unrecognizable from the first time. And yeah. It's a much better full suspension course.

If I had picked the other bike and signed up for the Clydesdale race it would have been me and Lucas battling for the win. In the end I found him in the woods on the third lap. Ride away from him in some of the tech that went up hill, got to the feed zone first but filled bottles then tried to drink something bubbly, he came in after me chugged a mini can of Coke and took off. I caught him in the rocks, ride it as cleanly as ever, one light unclip and dab, and ride through him there, and put some distance in, enough that even with the looong two track before the finish her didn't catch me, I could see him. So it was kind of fun in the end to wrap it up with the heavyweight prize fight.

But no, no medal for Singlespeed Clydesdale... It's ok. I still got the new top cap. I finished.

Fueling was good, hydration could have been better. Started a little more dehydrated than I should have been, was tough to drink enough on the first lap and I didn't. Then at some point between the top of the gravel climb and the two track before the feed station I lost a full bottle. Giles found it and drank it so I'm very happy he saw it and was able to use it. But it meant I stopped and filled a bottle drank most of one and left with one full one. Grabbed two fresh bottles at the finish and another sandwich, drank one while one and part of the second by the aid station and filled up with skratch again, filled up AGAIN at the next stop. I should have be dining three -four bottles per lap, not two. Was hard to catch up once in the hole. So I either need to ride was faster to make the laps shorter or drink a LOT more and full up ever time past the aid station.

Next time. Hah.

Physically it was tough. My knees were sore. Everyone was sore. Way way worse that 24HIGG in physical toll. Not being as tired was nice, but was so sore that sleeping was not easy. Knees are about back to normal now, I ate so much after, refuel give the body all it needs to repair. Hope it repairs even stronger. But we'll see.

Still haven't looked at CX yet. Maybe today. 

Passed on smackdown last night so I could get home and make dinner and have another recovery day.

Bike was making some stressful sounds. But I think it may just be the stranglehold dropouts. The brake one moves and yeah it's tight enough. And unfortunately I think that means the frame is wearing out. If it would break that'd be good, but I don't think wear like that is covered under warranty.

Not that breaking would be good. Just a chance to start over without the eroded tolerances.

Ok, coffee cup is empty and the morning has slipped a bit later than planned. 

Signing off now

Heddwch,

G

The most tears

 today...

but honestly even with holding it in check a bit..  it was the most

last time i called the vet (for Lucy) i could barely get the words out, today i choked up and struggled but E had started the phone inquiry but couldn't' finish so I did...

Charlie had a seizure last night, about 8:35pm

She hadn't had her gabapentin yet, last dose was 12 hrs before. But it was more of an analgesic dose, not a full anti-seizure dose. 300mg every 12 hrs (she was 50 pounds).

Last night she recovered, mostly, got her pill, was having trouble walking a little, lots of limb weakness. But seemed more her self...

We think she had another seizure last night about 2:45am. But it had passed before anyone got to her, but the amount of saliva and fluid near her mouth was consistent with the previous one. 

After a bit she settled and L went to sleep on the couch near her. That's how they were when i came downstairs this morning, the two buddies that sleep together, have slept together for years now.

Charlie got up, went out side, pooped, peed, ate breakfast, got her meds. But there was only one pill left, so call to the vet once right when they opened to refill the prescription.

Got off the phone and not 5 min later she had another seizure. 

This one was full fighting snarling teeth barred scary evil dog massive tremor and convulsion. It subsided and then she took a few minutes to come back to herself, and then got up panting and walking in left handed circles, drank some water, but just wandered around, Millie was in the living room and they got nose to nose and started barking and snapping at each other, not good.

E called in saying she was going to be late (only one car at home) and she tried to make the call to the vet but gave me the phone and that was hard... harder taking her in. she wanted to walk around in the sun, but she was moving so slowly, a little unsteady, did NOT want to go into the vet... but her lungs were so full of tumors that her chest cavity was misshapen (from this photo 6 months ago or whenever it was taken), and yeah, probably starting impacting brain function, her breathing has been really labored lately...

it was time to say good bye.

it is so fucking hard.

to make that call.

to say yes, thank you sweet dog but you're suffering and this is the best for you, even though it means the end of you.

And well, fuck, y'all know where my head's been a lot lately so, yeah, this isn't great. 

But I'm okay. I'm sad as hell. I'm suppressing my emotions again, just to be functional. 

Charlie lived her best life with us. And she loved us as only dogs can, and we loved her back.

I'm not sure what else to say. 

she was a good dog

heddwch
G

crying too much

Shedding all the tears.

Not sure why exactly. Sure I can point to the catalyst, but not why the emotions flow from my eyes so much lately.

Just finished reading this. started it earlier and, there are just so many passages to point out that I can't...

And maybe if I gave voice to some of the deepest reasons why, it might help...  but i don't think it actually would. And that's stopping me. Even from being so cryptic that even I can't figure out what the fuck I was trying to say without saying it.

Give this a read. https://thetownbicycle.com/geyaabi-nimbakade-im-still-hungry/

I'm doing my second race of the year on Sunday. Shorter than the last one, but the same bike.

the one with one gear

my race plan? Race myself. Not unlike what AH is talking about. If I am last or first, it doesn't matter. If everyone beats me and I honored the race and did my best, then that's enough.

It has to be enough.

Time to wipe my eyes and get back to work.

Heddwch
G

Fonies

 

They dropped a new one.

Ships in the Harbor...

Saw a notice about people being shocked that Tommy Prine's music was different than his father's.

Had a minute, just finished reading AC's latest story in Outside.  Next meeting not for a bit.

So I thought maybe let me check see what Tommy's stuff is like.

Read the intro words below and well, yeah. 

Listen to the lyrics. Much like many he's got a great voice, Gregory Alan Isakov style in a way.

Magic and perfect lyrics? No. But genuine, touching, heart wrenching? Yup. Well sung? yup.

Been a fucking kicker lately, eh?

heddwch

G

memories

we accumulate so much, and then all that is gone

my grandfather could recall every poem he ever read, recite it all on call. one of my brothers can do that pretty well too, me? fuck yeah i'm lucky to remember lyrics to a song i've heard a million times, my brain is good at recognition so i can sing along and more or less guess at the next word but...  w/o the prompt nope...

maybe too much science fiction, too much thinking about uploading, Dune, or Altered Carbon, or Old Man's War or hell any of the other stories about being able to download the human conciousness... i mean it could be possible, one day sure, but for now, we all each accumulate so much.

Some people maybe not, but like everything there's a continuum 

anyway it is what I was thinking about on the ride in this morning.

then wrote it down, got busy, forgot about it, closing things up to head home and oh, right, this.

posting up - should probably write up the rest of everything, the ride this weekend was pretty f'n great. Hard, fast, legs were pretty shredded at the end. But it was good.

Still tired - looks like rain tomorrow so, makes the choice of no smackdown easy. Gotta get the legs rested for Sunday.

Bunch of emails to reply to still, and some other stuff to send out paper mail and that's a problem, takes a bunch of extra steps. time and motivation, hitting the wall in some ways, not others.

Energy

 When you meet Mama go do? What are you gonna say?

Y Ddraig Goch

F'yeah Wales:

MICHAEL SHEEN is truly MAGNIFICENT.

Get a LOAD of THIS. pic.twitter.com/zZh5k3jcSs

— Michael Warburton (@MichaelWarbur17) September 9, 2022

maybe it does't show the video here - but ya should go watch it.

My dad would have loved this. Fucking hell I love it.

Kind of what I needed.

I did finish the A Prayer for the Crown-Shy. There's a part where Dex is hanging with their father. That got me bawling on the ride to work (yeah I was listening to it on the bike). Then got to the top of the India Point part Ped bridge, and sat on a bench, looking at the water and listened to the last 14 minutes of the book.

Left my glasses on as friends and people I knew rode past on their way to work as I sat there with tears in my eyes.

It is a good book. A REALLY good book.

that's all i got today

heddwch
G

 

Introvert

 

bikes... damn they do some good

 Lachlan has a really good way of putting it at the end.

Bikes kind of are amazing...

Good little short...

Smackdown report after a string of wordy content

 No videos or photos? WHAT? JUST WORDS? 

Yeah, weird. In the age of short video clips or mid-length to long vlogs and podcasts? just writing is strange.

Coffee time, okay this is the quiet coffee time. Kid is finally out of the house, but before everyone else is up, I should be getting ready but, i'm not late yet. 

Yesterday I re-tweeted something the eater did, they said do this or your wrong. Essentially. Becca called me out for trolling when I posted an alternative headline and said something about how maybe we should just stop telling everyone they are wrong. She called it trolling because i guess calling everyone who does something differently than I do 'wrong' is what I do. And yeah, my overthinking, fact backed, experimentally derived 'methods' are usually the most correct and I have over the years just taken the easy route and said do it this way or be wrong. It didn't sting at first, kind of funny, but the poison dart wiggled in and spread. And pretty soon i was wrecked. Wrecked by the indefensible accuracy of her observation. 

Yes, I have worked really hard to change, to not be that person, to suggest in a positive way, to lead with words and the basis of my conclusions in a different direction. It takes work to guide. It is easy to push.

And yeah I know, doing the work and changing is good. It has been good. Maybe there are people who didn't really interact with the OG GeWilli, who never got to experience the full force of the ASD overthinking analytical asshole. 

I replied to the tweet once right off the bat, quick honest 'hey i've been working at being different, maybe the sober thing maybe just wanting to change, but i really do want to change and so recognizing and pointing out others and calling them on it [esp corporate media accounts] feels important' or something, it was long but not super negative. 

Then the thread went on and one and fortunately took center on the whole pizza debate instead of me calling them out for just telling everyone they are wrong... but that seeped in, festered and triggered a crash in me. 

And I replied again, full dark sad me....

Left it there for a minute or two, deleted it. Then a bit later, deleted the first comment. So who knows what I actually said. Too much trauma triggered for me to recall the exact words. But I'm sure someone screenshotted it. Everyone screenshots everything now, right?

The thing was, this all happened while I was at smackdown. There was an A-group, and a B-group, but only a total of 14 people. Burke and I were the two solid B groupers, then there was a few others who usually ride with the B group and at stronger than both of us old guys, but not A group fast. Tine and Jay Trojan were there so you know it wasn't going to be a slow A ride. Andrew and Jay lit it up on Woodward, I settled into a hard maybe not quite sustainable pace coming down after them and it was just me and Burke. If I'd tried to get in the draft I might have made it but I knew it wouldn't last so I tried to just push it and figured Burke and I would have a good 2 man TT.

So we did. Had to slow down heading down prospect when it tilted up just a tiny bit. was dropping chris, but got him recovered he powered down the down to the townline and then I pulled around and dragged us to Pine and then up Pine, setting a decent but hard tempo, standing up only after Hillside, but that little added power popped Burke off my wheel, I could see Mike and maybe one more up the road, so I knew the A group had shattered and not-regrouped. And chilled while Burke caught up. Got him back, put him on the wheel and we chased down Mike. Caught him on Homestead, he said he was blown and waved us on but we told him to sit in, and we got him recovered, and I guess I kind of more or less lead us out until the downhill on Rocky Hill, and Burke took over, then on the up he slowed a tiny bit and I just held tempo. Not as fast as last week but I wasn't sitting in a draft of a big rotating paceline, it was just me. It felt good and hard and then bombed down the backside. Burke caught up before Hillside and we headed up it. Mike took the first section, then powered along on the flat. And I surprisingly recovered enough to go up the second and final section first. Weird.

We picked up Noah and he rolled to the front on the pine to walker stretch, flicked an elbow by the turn there with the swimming club, I dragged us onto Walked, then Mike went and pushed it, Noah got on his wheel and then i got gapped off, Burke came through and i got on his wheel and we didn't lose much ground to the other two and then they both kind of cracked, burke charged through and i found an extra bit of something and threaded through the three of them to power to the end. 

Rolled back and it was good.

A really good but small smackdown. Temps were good, legs not terrible. Most of the runners had made it off the path when I headed home. Kid had added something to the take-out order for me. 

Timed strava segments weren't amazing but they were good/acceptable, esp given how much work I did last night. So I was doing pretty well. Pedaling well. Those Black Bibs work. maybe I need the XXL honestly, the grippers are a little tight for my legs but hey maybe I am just that big.

And then the twitter thing. 

And back to whatever.

But as usual writing it down seems to help clear it out, remind me of the good stuff from the ride, going to let that try and frame the day. So maybe that's why I subconsciously thought i should write it out before shower and commute.

May you have a better day i'm gonna keep at the Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

didn't feel right

 To post this up on the twitter - even though it is a tweet.

(If you didn't like it, don't bother telling me.)

I think that's pretty awesome but at the same time a reality check on the online culture.

ThomP has been getting massively mansplained about trailers and everything associated with his adventures and learning about towing a massive rolling house. Someone we know did that on twitter, made a comment on FB and then they are gone. The comments weren't even negative or a problem, or explaining, but they were up and now they aren't.

People seem to want to react. Hell I do it. I catch myself. It is a learning process. And I have gotten better, still a ways to go. But, when someone posts something that brings them joy, don't be an asshole. Don't tell them how you would do it differently, how they did something wrong, or you see something wrong.

LET.

THEM.

BE.

HAPPY!

same old same old

 One foot in front of the other. 

shuffle through the darkness towards the light, three's nothing major blocking the way, but i can't stop here...

whatever i said yesterday?

Forget it - now in even deeper funk - but hey this helps:

KAYAK from École des Nouvelles Images on Vimeo.

kind of,

Calling it a win?

 Not feeling the effects of this time of year until last night.

Slept well until 4:30am, started to fall back asleep at 6am when the alarm was about to go off so I just got up instead of drifting back to sleep.

No idea on tomorrow. Not even backup plan for the back up plan.

Fizzle hard. And that hit yesterday evening pretty solidly. 

Just don't know. I had motivation at times to ride to Boston, right now there's good reason but the other side of things, riding there alone? Tomorrow? nope. Sometimes I wish I could figure out my motivation and solve it and know what i want to do in a specific enough sense that I could just do it.

No vehicle so off road adventures are all from the house, I guess I could ride to Village Park...   that's a longish way on the soft compound tires on the Top Fuel, or a really annoyingly long and slow pedal on the Singlespeed.

The ice cream hundo still sounds a bit enticing. But not quite sure where to go, Ice Cream Barn and Ice Cream Machine would work, combined that's a 60+ mile ride. But ice cream alone seems even sadder than not doing the ride.

Maybe this tiredness is something else. The nameless something else.

But whatever happens tomorrow is tomorrow and I need to figure out how to make it not what it is and what it could be. Would be nice if it was as easy as flipping a switch.

maybe i just need to stay home and in bed and watch TV or something totally useless and forget the bike ride...

just fucking struggling as usual. no big deal. it'll pass.

maybe i'll find time today to write up the 24HOGG before I forget it all, or maybe I just leave it all unspoken, and just the skeleton of documentation?

dunno

heddwch
G

International Dog Day?

 Oh hell yeah! Lets watch this again.

Smackdown has changed

 And some people are great riders and good at keeping things going but not great at leading a group.

And riding single file at the gun over not quite flat terrain with people who aren't good at keeping pace and the whole yo-yo thing happens and I was stupidly in the back, getting yo-yo'd to death.

But I dug down and pushed myself solo through the ride. Wasn't my best time but wasn't my worst.

Felt off the whole time on top of blowing up early.

Oh well, next time. 

At this rate I don't know if the race will get written up, I suppose I should write it up, but now i don't have enough time, maybe tonight. But probably not. Post smackdown legs fucked up my sleep last night. And just generally unsettled and whatnot. A difficult day.

And now I'm hungry, at part of my lunch early, the rest wasn't as filling as I hoped and I have eaten all the snacks in the office. But then again, as I remember it, this was the SOP for getting down to the crazy light (for me) 195. I'll be happy to be at 205-210... not that I'll get there without all the days like this. 

But hey, goals, right?

I keep thinking about Nationals, can I put my mental framework in place to have fun and race the SSCX event and expect to get pulled every lap and still have fun racing? Maybe. I should probably find a coach that can write a plan up for me, esp since I've been so rubbish at it. But that said - the 'plan' i had for 24HOGG kind of worked. Although that was more just me being me and surviving while being undertrained.

And I think the boost from it might have already faded. Weee.

Anyone have tuesday off? No? didn't think so. Just not sure what to do now, kind of adrift, per usual. 

oh well

heddwch
G