oh today

"I think I do overshare," Fisher told  @nprfreshair last month. "It's my way of trying to understand myself."

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/12/27/507109015/carrie-fisher-actress-beloved-for-playing-princess-leia-dies-at-60

"We are all human and fall short of where we need to be. We must never stop trying to be the best we can be."
-Richard Adams

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

writing...  was a goal this trip...

can barely reflect...

a beer...

be blessed, be safe, do the work we know we must do. Be the best you can, inspire of the darkness. JRR Tk, his stories now more than ever. The evil is closing in, but we must not let it take hold of our hearts. We must not give in to the selfishness and greed that drive those pitted against us and those we love.

heddwch

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Got it done

December NECX HOTM checked off.

Following up on the last post yesterday bumped the total time up to 21 hours this month. Hit my 8000 miles.
Took photos of the hundo with the new phone while the new to me old Garmin 500 did the work of tracking where I went and constantly reminding me how slow i'm going.
Check my instagram for the photos (link over on the left)

Goldberg joined me, I showed up an hour after he expected me (I really was going slowly)

Three bottles, my magazine famous orange one with water, two insulated polar ones full of cofffee. (probably needed more) Two packs of peanut butter crackers, a cliff bar, a crunchy granola bar (peanut butter flavor) and a cliff builder bar.

I departed from normal and listened to music before meeting up with goldberg. Started with Death Magnetic, then went to chemical brothers and ended with Mustard Plug.

Time to finish packing. We were going to leave early. We haven't left yet. gonna be a long day, not sure sitting the whole day is the best way to follow up with riding the whole day. Oh well. At least I don't have to pack all the bike stuff.

heddwch
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playing with the jonathanokeeffe data

Focusing just on commutes for the moment:

first the 2016 commutes in a heatmap.

Yeah I called the ride to Indy Ferm a commute because it was for sample procurement.

Total miles for commuting (i have a 7 mile ride home tonight and then no more commutes the rest of the year).  4670 miles. In 470 rides labeled commute (I included a good number of shorter errands and other work/shopping/utility trips).

I'm now momentarily torn, technically I have 8 miles of hiking and 12 miles of walking as part of the nearly 8000 miles. Take those out and I'll need to bump the hundo up tomorrow an extra 20 miles +/-

But then, fuck it, what's 20 miles or so over 8000?

Also, I'm wondering more if the lack of fire to pedal a lot at the moment is also partly due to the fact that I've ridden only 13 hours this month. CRAZY! Likely more complex than anyone factor.

heddcwh
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time to reflect on '16?

No not yet.

Not in any form.

Rode home last night composing a list of those people I'm very much thankful for their friendship and what they do for those around them...

Got a good half dozen plus one or two liners describing people and acknowledging them and then kind of got overwhelmed by the thought of "shit i'm bound to miss someone important"

And got home and started a fire, made dinner, ate dinner, fucked around on the internet instead of doing dishes and attempted to go to sleep, fruitlessly more or less...  despite still be super fatigued from the trip to Seattle, I'm not sleeping well. Got a decent bit of catch up sleep this weekend but still kind of tired and then like yesterday when i go a tiny bit overboard on the coffee, well i'm toast for sleeping.

We'll see how tonight goes.

This whole uploading strava from a garmin through the computer is a bit more tedious and doesn't happen as promptly as with the phone app and the temp on it seems to read way higher than the air temp is being reported anywhere along the route.

But after uploading I went to check the Training Calendar.

To check see how many miles/day i need to do to hit the goal for the year. Yes, kind of silly esp since I know i need to do a 100 mile ride sometime before New Year's Eve. And with two days of car travel, the 24th and the 25th and this week booked that leaves it up to the weather and something between the 26th and the 30th... and right now the 10 day has rain on half of those days. But I really just need ONE day. One clear decent not shitty day.

And then an interuption got me thinking...  if i do the Hundo on Thursday, I don't have to bring the bike. Maybe I'll start running or just take another week off. I'm not racing nationals, no way no how no sir. Fuck. That. Shit.

Also, looked at Strava, I've ridden on 9 of the days since the last Hundo. That's a pretty sad looking December. But I can hit both the 8k and the Hundo in one swoop, reduce the amount of stuff I bring to VA, maybe I'll go running down there. There are some nice trails right out my in-laws front door. Maybe this year I make progress at getting to the point of doing the run commute?

Oh, numbers, we all like nice numbers? This is where I stand after this morning's commute:



7878.7

Almost tempting to just hang up the bike now, mic drop and walk away from 2016.

But no, that would screw up my NECX HOTM Club challenge. I need that spike in Dec. And I actually probably could use the week w/o the bike in VA.

Only question is: am I up to the challenge of doing a 100 miles in 30-45ºF weather? Yeah, probably. Def wearing thermal bib tights under regular tights. And likely gonna stop for hot coffee somewhere (in the middle I am guessing). Wouldn't be my coldest hundo either.

Odd though, reflecting, body is staying TAKE A BREAK FOOL. At least that's how I'm interpreting it, could just be lingering fatigue from the last couple months. Or who knows.

Anyway, maybe instead of riding i'll work on the back log of writing in VA. A bit less physically taxing but equally isolating and alone. Maybe I'll just read instead.

Time to blast this out of draft mode.

Heddwch
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current brain waves

Been a bit of struggle lately, lack of sleep, too much to do, insane pressure for the holiday crap that locks me up with anxiety, and then there's the super critical financial aid shit to do, on top of what the hell is going to happen to this world with cheetomcfuckface in charge. Telling happens. trying to find evidence of the showing to go with the telling? That's tough. A sticking point perhaps for me, unduly so, I know. But still it is. Always has been. Telling most people seems to be good, that's all they want to hear, they want to hear they are doing well, doing great, improving, being awesome. But as an actor, stage performer, teacher, telling is easy, means nothing to me. Never has. Finally unraveling the challenges of GeWilli. Show me. Don't tell me. heddwch G

flying

almost an internet free zone, limited by my slow phone, low battery

time flew while i was in the Seattle area, i also haven't touched a bike. Just music.

It got a bit intense and emotionally charged last night, but hey, that always happens, at least it waited until after the concerts to happen.

when you set your alarm for 3:30am at 11:45pm and then have to get up at 2:40 to pee...  it kind of sucks.

super tired, looking forward to getting on this next flight and going home and getting in bed and sleeping.

tomorrow's going to be rough. but at least i'll get to ride in and the weather looks awesome the rest of the week, ooof.

Say what ya will about all the cloudy days temps are pretty damn moderate. So what if the roads are wet nearly all the time.

anyway time to top up the waterbottle and get ready to make that last leg.

heddwch
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pre-concert musings

2016-12-09
There is an odd balance, quiet peacefullness, intense rushing around, plenty to do, but me lacking specific tasks, waiting around, reading, thinking, furtively doing this, some ironing, sorting, organizing.

Then waiting. Quiet. No music, can’t disrupt anything. Our mother, recovering from a high fever last night, three days of feeling ill and sick, fighting something. Recovering just in time for the concerts. A process well practiced and unfortunately repeated too frequently. Not that our mother is a frail individual, quite the opposite, always and forever taking on more than she should, always getting, doing one more thing. Always. She went to take a nap, got up three times, one more thing to tell someone, another phone call to make, something else not to forget.

Promoting and performing and doing all the press and tickets and everything for something like the Yuletide shows is an overwhelming task. Each year doesn’t really get easier. There is always something new. Or if not new a rare repetition, snow for instance. When it snows people cancel plans down here in the Sound. We had snow overnight. It has been melting steadily through the day and we’ll certainly find just wet roads when we travel in a few hours, but we don’t have a choice. We have to go. One of the musicians is under the weather and her father typically drives here and he’s also sick and they got much more snow than we did. Yet a plow finally came down the street just now as I’m writing this. No I have not been outside yet today. Woke up, only ever so slightly hung over, felt quite normal and good after a cup of coffee. Sleep came easily, but the morning darkness was total the first time I woke up, attempting to sleep beyond 7:30am here was impossible.

Coffee, breakfast, our mother frantically sending emails, answering questions, getting ticket lists, perched infront of her old WinXP box, an ancient machine that we all remind her should be replaced for many reasons.

But there’s little to no money to be made in these Yuletide concerts. Covering the vast expenses is usually possible, but ticket sales seem to decline year after year, but the audience becomes more appreciative at the same rate, those who come are special, they are here for one reason.

But this is the 38th year of these concerts. I’ve only missed one or two years. Being here is special, but often these last years it is a chance for the RI brother’s to hang out. We fly out and spend a few days here together, Philip rushing around trying to get his monumental task list completed, us doing errands, programs, hardware store, food shopping, everything that’s neglected or just impossible to do without our help.

I know soon it will go from a quiet spell to an intense whirlwind. Unmatched focus and out pouring of energy. Can’t really describe to those who haven’t experienced it. My tasks are small sometimes, but critical. A very small player but one who’s absence is noted even if presence is not always recognized.

The sheer lack of internet besides my old slow phone, extra crippled by the 3G signal, is somewhat isolating. Not maybe in a bad way I suppose. There is the one ancient computer but no wireless router, I suppose something that could be easily fixed perhaps, but maybe it isn’t such a bad thing. There will be internet soon maybe. Somewhere. Perhaps I will get to upload some words, check a few forums catch up on FB. Twitter may just be a shot in the dark now and then, pushing some comment/photo/instagram out, but I can’t keep up with everyone. Not here not like this.

On the airplane I started reading a book, finished it just now. Well written, good hook, decently complex plot, well developed characters, odd relatability. But it is finished. The second book I brought may need to wait to get started, at least maybe until Sunday or the flight home perhaps.

Last year the tablet still worked I think. I read books on it. Never got around to replacing it, one of those other lesser items I never quite got around to doing. Always something else to do, always something more to work on. I do miss having the books self lighting, the games to play or ‘net to surf. But analog is good, physical progress as marked by the barf bag book mark, is different than the % on the bottom.

Soon we have to leave and head to the first venue in the series. I’ve spent most of the time laughing and smiling and having fun, joking and playing music. Much like I spend the weekends or days at the bike races. Smiling like I was in most of the photos of me at NBX (off the bike at least). Behavior kind of at odds when I’m at home, different, not realized until now.

But we’re leaving shortly, time for musing and writing and exploring these ideas, has come to an end.

Time to push play on the crazy speed, the high energy drive.

heddwch

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the work that goes into

a NECX major series UCI event is insane.

I spent a solid good number of hours the last couple in the total darkness working on making a race happen that I'm sure way too many will complain about.

But first let me tell you this, there were almost NO PEOPLE HELPING! ZERO.

Not zero, John and Steve and Paul, and Myette, and Wilhem, Ben, Gary, and the energizer bunny himself Matty B. Oh and Dale showed up to run some tape and haul fencing around. Juli crushed it on the com side of things, but, we'll y'all know i've been helping set up courses at this caliber, to this standard since 2006. I learned a lot from Stevens that first year, I don't manage to find time to help with every race but I haven't taken a break long enough to forget the amount of work it takes.

This weekend is going to be what it is. Some people will love it, some people will blame the course for their faiiling on tire pressure (run it high with all these damn roots) or will blame the designers for their failing to pick a decent line or if not able to ride the decent line, don't fuck yourself on the other line.

Just to emphasize. It wasn't finished when I left at 6:10 tonight. Matty B had finally started to eat something - HE HADN'T EATEN ALL DAY! and there were was still a few (LOTS OF) sections to tape.

UCI official walk through happened and he gave it the thumbs up.

Dalton put some solid thought into banner placement and it was good.

If you're coming down to race NBX, have fun, when you're done head to the gazebo and buy a beer, and buy someone else a beer.

Yes, buying is weird, but oddly it makes a difference. And yes, while local, your influence is significant.

Will it be a stretch to make the race happen? No doubt. Matt B was there putting in stakes by headlamp at 11pm last night. Is he there tonight right now running tape? To make a race happen for a giant pile of most ungrateful assholes who feel that "paying to race is enough"

Myette ain't one of those. Dues paid in full for years to come with the work he put in today. John as well.

I got in a huge argument about star wars and how disney is going to make the stupid epcot round ball look like the death star and how the whole mousy bullshit and the glorification of the darkside basically validated people's evil side, condoned it and well here we have trump.

Oldest went on the offensive asking WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT? and well i outlined what I was, acting locally, engaging on a personal level at all confrontations, i don't have any money, i can't fund anything, I can't support anything fiscally, can barely support myself. But i can act. I can lead if only by example.

I can do absolute everything I can do. And I try.

Mostly if not totally fail. Eiric is right, I never had a chance... at success, in anything, but it hasn't stopped me from trying. Neither has failure. But I do try and learn from the failure and work to move forward in a positive direction. Even if my pace is slow, maybe it is because i'm brushing dirt off my face and trying to blink to see clearly before taking the next step.

I hope, if you're racing NBX, that you enjoy the course.

I can also feel my brain spiralling towards a place I shouldn't keep talking while in...  so wrapping it up.

this weekend is going to be crazy, but hopefully less physically taxing than today.

heddwch
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HIGHLIGHTS: Secret Squirrel Zanc SSCX

WIDEO TIME

Wednesday already? WHAT?

So after that big old post, the post Squirrel race one, that I rambled and hung my soul on the line to dry for all to see.

Well...  I kind of left it up there and haven't written anything... here (critical writing stuff in other places though)

Sunday I woke up feeling absolutely completely mowed over. More fatigued than ever. So tired that I had to sit here for a while to just remember what I did. Nothing. Luggage. Got back in bed for a while (couldn't sleep) got up but just couldn't get out of my own way. So. Tired.  Too tired to go shopping or get out of the house, so I didn't. I didn't do anyway. Monday felt only a little better and I figured if some people get fast by not riding much and completely recovering, well i'll just drive to work.

Only it took probably longer because I couldn't find parking, and then still had to move the car. But it wasn't pedaling and it was a break, got some shopping done, got home and made some dinner.

I've been working on this proposal, last bit is the brief statement. You'd think I'd have had enough practice putting words together to where it would be easy, yeah nope, been rolling around bits and phrases and ideas for a long time. Stack of hand written paragraphs, four or five versions of the proposal.

But I think maybe I have it where I want  it, or at least where I think, while not perfect or brilliant, at least the critical elements and ideas are there. Heck i'm trying to be an visual artist, not some writer or something.  Writing is difficult, throwing stuff up here is not writing, it is sharing and is kind of the introverted way of talking to people without talking to people.

Tuesday was the first day commuting with the garmin and the HRM, took it easy on the way in, couldn't really see shit on the way home and it was pouring fucking rain and amazingly windy on the way home, so it wasn't so much a 'training' event as this is fun as SHIT.

This morning I still felt tired but used running late as an excuse to go faster than a snails pace.

The whole hooking the thing up and uploading is a pain but honestly not really any more annoying than trying to use my Phone to upload a strava thing. Easier almost, and my phone isn't dead once I get to work. Hmm funny how that works. Eh?

Going to help with course set up Friday, may not get much/if any riding in Friday. Saturday I'll be a the race but I'm not racing at that forsaken hour. Sunday though? RI State Champs? Yeah I'm gonna race. Kind of have to. But maybe enough of the locals in my age group will show up and I'll make this year one of the first w/o a medal. Or maybe this low mileage week and not racing Saturday will give me some legs? Probably not. Why not? Well because, I realized riding in this morning that outside of races, I've pretty much had zero max intensity since the Smackdown stopped. No intervals, no tuesday night trainer sessions, no wonder. Not that they helped that much last year but at least I was a wee bit faster last year. Hey, it is what it is. I'm just happy to be able to ride and race. Honestly.

Weather should be clearing up, I was going to get out and run an errand on the bike before the rains came in but, oops, too late now. Was editing the words and re-reading, re-working them and lost track of time.

Sort of like what happened with this post.

Got writing, took a break, finished the submission and agonized over the order and impact of fewer words than this phrase contained, and send it all off. Submitted to the Staff Art show here at work. One more big proposal to get out the door (not until first week of January) and I can get back to important shit.

Also hit me like a ton of bricks, I don't have any images to take to Seattle for the concerts like last year. The audience didn't buy a ton of them but I did sell more than a few, but there's kind of like pretty much zero time between now and then to do it. TOO MUCH GOING ON! I NEED MORE OF ME (or help, but that's not gonna happen, either help or another one of me).  ALSO HOW DO I DECIDE WHAT IMAGE TO PRINT. Can't do one series that I just submitted, Colorado one isn't ready yet. Ooh maybe just the oddballs, some of the beer, the horsetail, the other plant stuff.

Percolating makes shitty coffee, but is good for brain to sift through ideas and go from the next thing and turn it over and over again until something falls into place...

Dark and raining.

And I really need to get fenders and the SSCX bike sorted and set up as the winter commuter. Dry feet and simple drive train and brakes that work would REALLY be nice. The Black Blue's canti's are in the CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP ESP WHEN WET phase. Slow down? Yes, honk loudly in the rear when dry (pedestrian warning system), but stop? HAHAHAHAH.

Best get out and play in the rain again. At least the wind isn't so crazy today.

Heddwch
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Well that was fun aka Secret Squirrel SSCX

Legitimately, seriously, fun.

First CX race with monitoring HR too.

Def lower than expected, given i felt kind of maxed, but then sort of makes sense, after yesterday.

Downside? I was missing that explosive oompf and the low torque smash, felt fatigued sooner than expected and generally oof.

Single Speed is different. Groups separate out pretty quickly on the first lap. Then after another lap or two the second order sorting happens. Today, I wanted to be up way further than I was, meaning like 5 places or so, you know up to Griggs and big Eric. But then, after that first lap, there's a bit of a reshuffle. Minorly. And a few souls move up or back to where they belong.

I had a semi-serious first lap, mostly traffic, mostly trying to hang on to wheels or battle between other racers, them being slower here me faster there, until them being faster or me being faster sort of put an end to that. There was a bit of both actually. But I was most assuredly at the tail end of the guys who've been training, or are just fast.

But damn it was fun.

The course on pre-ride has this massive field section, and a dirt road and fuuuuck if felt excessive and dumb on pre-ride. But then racing it? Felt awesome and was a huge part of the course. I def could have gone a gear or two easier, esp riding with legs that did what they did yesterday.

But also, today I rode about 10 miles, climbed about 1000 feet, and yesterday i rode 100 miles and climbed about 3000 feet (if you want to be a nitpicker check strava for exact details).

First handup was on the long sandy run up, Kathleen was there in her ninja turtle costume with radio blasting, Lesli had just taken a handup from Fatmarc's little brother and there was half a beer left as I came up to the top and she handed it to me to finish.

And I did. I paused, drank, dropped the cup and Craig said "My one beer hand up to two of my favorites" and that warmed my little grinch heart. It was awesome.

Hit that run up and Whitey, still sore and blown from his 24hr tough mudder spartan tough guy challenge race thing two weeks ago, told me at the start line to check the dirt at the steep ride/up run up in the woods, he picked up a pile of cash that was in the dirt. First time, too much traffic second time? Just some wrappers of stuff, no cash. BUT

BUT at the top Roger was there with a beer, perfectly portioned, 1/3 to a 1/4 of a red solo cup. So i paused and consumed that. Hit the next section and rolled through, i think the top of the rideable sand climb (that i nailed all but the first lap (traffic) and penultimate lap (fat bike dude dismounted mid-climb and blocked the riedable line and i ALMOST had enough momentum to overcome it but not quite) got to the top and Costa handed me a way too full beer, but I had to drink that.

Came around to get another beer but Colin's kid took it before I could get it. Got another beer from Roger, kept riding, maybe another? May have stopped and killed well over a minute relaxing and having a beer while racing (because that's what was encouraged, and I was off the pain train in party land and fuck this shit). THE COURSE WAS FUN. Aka hard as hell but enough elements that challenged everyone and made it just a blast to ride bikes with other people with a number pinned on.

Mikey Z and I were talking and I said maybe i'll see you and he tried to dismiss it, but I saw him coming towards me. Not sure he took any beer feeds, but I was, and I was also feeling legs just unable to put power down. Weird sensation, the steady pedaling felt good, could get the cadence up and spinny but that peak power? where was it? oh yeah, on the roads of rehoboth and all over the bike path.  But there were enough sections that felt kind of awesome and flowy and could let just RIP no brakes and float. A couple sections i kept fucking up on or got once but not the rest.

Anyway I caught Lesli again at the same place we shared a beer feed. And then we chatted as I pushed her over the rolling sand, riding one handed in the B line was fun, actually. We were chatting but this was just as Mikey Z was making the POUNCE. he had the big freak (me) in his target zone, ready to pull the trigger and then admitted to backing off watching me push L through the rollers. I stopped again and took the final beer feed from Roger and Mikey passed me. I rolled in behind and said "I'M GONNA RIDE THIS THING SO GOOOO MOVE IT GO FAST" to which he responded by going faster and I let the gap open and started to ramp it up and he pulled out of the A-line and hit turbo boost, unloaded everything into getting this clydesdale some kinetic energy, and got enough to float over the thing pedaling it over geared.

The back side was SO MUCH FUN, zoom float roll fly, to the finish.

And there was precious Patrick (who's never heard of Pineapple Bob, WTF, he's not a kid) screaming "GEWILLI BEER" holding up a cup....

duh, I took the cup, crossed the line, and joined the gaggle of exhausted post racers...  weird part? I was ready to keep doing that for another couple hours. Lots of hours. Just getting warmed up, aka that's kind of maybe only partially true. Realistically I might have been able to keep going for 8 or so more laps, esp if the beer kept showing up in 1/4 cup amounts periodically.

Makes for strange introspection eh?

The shit I absolutely love racing absolutely doesn't suit what I'm passable okay at.

HEY WELCOME TO THE STORY OF MY LIFE!

Bigger answer to all that is my riding this year. Huge mileage for me (or anyone really). Sure the Pro's crank out the miles, friends like Dr Matt crush it. And the only people I do Side by sides with on Strava are like Jules Googly or Matt Roy, and they're both over 10k miles for the year already. I'm only at 7700.

2014 i barely cracked 4k, but that was also my first full Jan-Jan running strava 90% of the time. but i think '13 i hit that from april/may to jan.  But that summer was an anomaly.

This year, poised to hit maybe 8k? sure it ain't no 10k like many. But I'm also trying to hold down two jobs, one admittedly very seasonal, the other massively overwhelming in the spring, and racing CX in the fall. HEY WHERE IS ALL MY TIME GOING? Oh. Right. None of this shit is making me enough money to pay down massive debt, just enough to service it, maybe. Up for debate.

Brain, got distracted for a moment.

Bottom line, that bike Derek sold me, has been my favorite bike. Sure it is a 26" single speed mt bike with 700c wheels. Colin's kid DID have a bigger rotor than mine but he was riding a Single speed enduro bike with 5' wide handle bars, a dropper post and a suspension fork and 9" wide super aggro tires (kitting they were maybe only 2.5"...  i dunno they were fat but not Fat bike fat).

Who knew, some crazy Surly that someone else turned into a SSCX bike would fit, would make me just fucking love riding.

I miss the absolute focus and drive for CX a bit. Last year I tried but missed the mark wildly. Poured so much into it and into nationals. I may have mentioned the pressure i felt last year, i forced it, and yes I put a square peg through a round hole (hey i can do that just by sitting on it or ask Chip about his tent stake today, big Eric (chainline) was futily going after it with a hammer. But I honestly think I was paying for the effort last year this year.

Planning to race one more race this year. fewest races since i started my return to CX in '06. Can I blame people? Yup. Does it change anything? Nope. It is what it is. Next year is a new year.

Nationals can comp me an entry for how i was treated last year...  torn because I'm not sure I even want to spectate and pay the gate fee, despite all my friends hanging out and having fun there.

Kind of really want nothing to do with it, despite or maybe esp because of proximity.

Yes, i've kind of toyed with the idea of signing up for the SSCX race, pinning a number on the jumpsuit and treating it like today with the mantra "never pass up a beer handup" (I did not race in the jumpsuit today and one of Katie B's photos today caught a couple of me, one i'm embarrassed at - forget notorious junk, how about notorious moobs!)  Thank you genetics, thank you pectus excavatum for ruining my self esteem from well before I started school.  Might have been fine if my well meaning mother had not enrolled me in swim classes: "What's wrong with you? why is your chest like that?" Thanks South Kitsap knuckleheads. Aka like kids everywhere.

Hell i was mowing a lawn somewhere, end of high school, thin t-shirt and some other knuckle head asked me the same thing.

Thanks genetics.

SUPER TANGENT NIGHT

two for one - or something.

I had a freaking amazing time today. Secret Squirrel was a blast, and yes, with a few tweaks, some fixed elements? It could be nationals level course, right after Myles gets his event in a new venue, but like I said about nationals earlier, the comment is meant to not say the administration is going to suck, the rider support is going to suck the rider experience is going to suck and you're going to be treated as if you're a worthless sack of coins to harvest, it is meant to say that the course was that awesome.

It was hard, it was technical and it was fun.

What else can you ask from a CX course.

I'm going to go back on the whole not having extra beers thing and HAVE an extra beer after writing this.

And I MAY read it in the morning and edit it.

Like i pretty much always to do late night posts, even though it is just after 9pm here, feels like midnight (BTW - essentially no beers yesterday = REALLY FUCKED UP NIGHT, didn't sleep for shit, was wide awake till well after 1pm, drinking water just made me have to pee).

BUT...

let me re-emphasize. Despite what ever results were (not sure they got them right even with timing chips, aka ankle lo-jack) despite all this crazy shit i did yesterday, or said today, it was fun, it was good and it was amazing.

I'm fortunate, things are good, my racing? Meh, but by any measure my racing has never been more than meh, coming to terms with ignoring the variation in Meh has been good, me 10 places higher? Meh. It is what it is and I had fun, I got to race a bike, I pinned a number on.

I got to see some really really amazing people, connect with super close friends.

Today was awesome, no matter what. Sure I was toeing the line with a 50-60 pound weight penalty compared to Pete Smith, but, that's the plight of those of us not so small people.

so yeah, maybe one more race for me, then hanging up the whatever it is, and just ride the rest of my shit till it wears out, bike by bike till I'm left with just one....  Black blue has suffered that fate. Hasn't even made it to a single CX race this year. First time EVER since I paid an enormous sum for that bike that didn't fit because I was too nice, and settled for the lower conflict option of riding something i shouldn't just to make fewer waves....  settled because I couldn't say no way, not XL forget it. My life, my plight.

But I have amazing friends, and a wonderful family....  and just enough spare parts to keep at least a couple bikes going for a few more years, so till it gets to the point where i can't make it work? Well i'll keep making it work and keep trying to race. After that? Who knows.  Too old to get "sponsorship" too slow to deserve it, loud enough maybe?

Rambling... i need some tunes and a beer. Neither of which i can really employ (need headphones so not to wake everyone in the tiny house, also beer, need that too), so I'll suffice with whatever makes it work.

Saying thank you to those who made it work. Thank you to those who've stood by me. Thank you to Lesli, thank you to Negacoach, thank you to that asshole fuckhead G-Ride, to Chipstick, to MikeyZ, to Rusto, to Pete, to the Marks, to the Toms, to the Giulias, to the Bruce, to the Micheles...  thanks to the PVC gang, my crew my friends.

anyway, thank you to that asshole who moved to Seattle this summer, lest i forget, my stupid elephant brain remembers everyone, and everything, but omissions of mentions are not indicative of relegation of status or placement... but i will skip the examples....  because if you've actually made it this far, you're special, and deserve a fucking medal made of solid gold that you can melt down and buy something of worth.

I'm me, i'll never figure it out, ever.

oh hey SQUIRRELL shit forgot about this pile of words.

half a mind to delete w/o reading...  the other half of my mind is saying JUST POST IT, DELETE THE SHIT THAT FREAKS YOU OUT IN THE MORING WHILE DRINKING COFFEE....

so yeah...

done..

heddwch

G

November Hundo Is in the books.

Well, it happened. Got the ride done.

It was an effort, Golberg made it possible and enjoyable.

He woke up and said "i'll be there"

I got my stuff together and headed out.

Gamin worked wonderfully, slowly, every so slowly counting down the miles.

First lap? too many cars, lets see if we can make the hundo by heading down the bike path.

And through Colt State Park, I almost ran Goldberg off the path looking up at the Brants flying overhead hoping they wouldn't poop on me (a handful of them were actually pooping and flying but fortunately the ones that flew over our heads did not).

It was a damn wet day, started a bit cold but warmed up (check temp on the strava thing) and just as we felt comfortable, mile 77-78 or so, it started to drizzle, no big deal, this isn't rain.

Then the drizzle got a bit thicker, went into sprinkle mode, then full on rain mode and then into heavy rain mode.

I'm guessing that if we'd done the second loop we'd have missed the rain. But the cars, the trucks, I just didn't want another 45-50 miles of that so made the audible and tried something different.

Still hit the hundo, got November done.

was super cold, when I got back (super wet too). built a fire, been putting one log on coals and house is 72ish kitchen and table area by the stove? about 10+ degrees warmer. Will load up the stove here before too long and just go to sleep.

Tired.

Not sure doing a Hundo the day before a CX race is the best idea, but i've eaten, haven't had a beer for 2+ hours (getting tired of drinking water about now) and well, tomorrow will be interesting.

got some good thinking and discussion stuff with Golberg today, super productive, positively energizing and the rest. May have even closed in on a title for the proposal even...  except i had a lock on it in the shower but now can't put the words back together the same way, gonna keep working on it though.

be well,

heddwch
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Happy Thanksgiving motherf*ckers

WHAT THE FUCK GEWILLI PUTTING AN ASTERISK IN INSTEAD OF A U?

rough times indeed.

I dunno who the heck has been clicking on this drivel i've been posting lately but damn, y'all are fucking with the metrics.

besides, blogs are dead and dumb

Pulled the plug on CX for this past weekend OBVS

[Call this the sitting at work filling in the end of yesterday's comments, filling them in from a different space after a bit of rumination and contemplation and the last 12 hrs of added overwhelming stimulus]

So yeah like is said: pulled. the. plug. Lots of factors, just tired lately, not going well, not feeling able to get incentivized enough to make the changes needed to do that and then there's the recognition that it is late in the season and I'm just getting slower and slower.

I've also ridden over 7500 miles this year. By far one of the heaviest mileage years, probably even surpasses 2013 but a good margin. Kind of want to hit 8000, under 500 to go until Dec 31st. Possible? We'll see how that goes. But I think perhaps this is also just part of the lack of motivation, or also the flip side: I've really just enjoyed JUST riding my bike, no intervals, no specificity, just riding this year.

Yesterday for example. Slept in, made waffles, slowly got my shit together. Fixed the brake hoods on the 1x1 Surly SSCX,

And went out for a ride with Syl. The southern exploratory route in prep for the RI Red Rooster Ronde. I felt pretty crappy, legs are off somehow, tired. Fighting a sore throat a bit this week, but not full blown sick. If I had headed to SupercrossCup i'd probably be knocked on my ass by something.

The ride was good, we talked about lots of stuff, and Syl had a great new couple tweaks to the course, not sure about those big hills in Bristol, but they are kind of cool, and it links in well to the flow, and they are pretty damn punishing on the SSCX with the 44x17.  very creative with the routing and it works well, flows well and is fun. A hell of a lot of fun. There's a good bit of road pedaling but much of it is scenic and low traffic and no so bad. Good bit of bike path and a nice mix of road then woods the road then woods so you stay warmer than you would on a straight up road ride and yesterday when we started it wasn't so terrible, but holy fuck it got windier and colder and at one point we debated bypassing the trails behind the Y but we were both so cold that it was a nice warm-up before the last stretch home.

We need to look at the schedule and nail down a venue that works and set it up, but it will be good, it will be invite only and it will be groups and it will be a fundraiser for Girls Rock RI.

Assuming the world is still in one piece by then.

The alternating views and opinions and positions waver from just shitty but relatively unaffected to full blown post apocalyptic full scale war with China/Russia. And I personally go through, calm but hopefully getting through it to full blown panic attack freak out.

It is making it very difficult to focus on the few things I have to get done. Very difficult. And the reality seems to be that we've become very much what we've fought against for so long. We've elected a fascist dictator who's basically poised to be able to whatever he wants with support from the other two branches of government.

And that is terrifying. Will those across the aisle be able to swing enough political might to keep everything in check? Or at least to mitigate damages and the erosion of life as we know it?

I guess we find out.

Till then we motor through, one step at a time, attempting to make things okay locally, w/in our sphere of influence, no matter how absolutely freaked out I am, I have to be someone that can help those around me, I have to give them strength, compassion, someone to talk to, someone who can understand what they are feeling and help them get through, no matter what tempest and turmoil rages inside me.

I signed up for the Secret Squirrel race, just the SSCX race...  then perhaps only do one day at NBX, can't see myself being functional enough mentally or physically to make two days work, even if I love that course the most. I mean I actually contemplated not racing it at all, just going and hanging out, helping and that's actually kind of moderately appealing. Esp if I can get hired to be a pit mechanic for someone.

I've also kind of set my mind on doing something really dumb on Friday. Getting the November Hundo out of the way. Aka that's really the only day I can do it. All of next week is hosed and I have too much to do between now and wed to take a whole day. So. Yeah...  there's that. Likely to do the couple lap thing again because it actually worked pretty well last time. This time I'll take a third waterbottle and some extra food though. Just because. I need the pedaling time to sort through the gallery proposal I've been working on. Saturday was great, I got a ton accomplished, images edited, first draft of the submission and all that, but the words, need figure out how to craft them into what I want to say in a way that takes less than a couple paragraphs. Gotta distill a blog post into a tweet, or a strava or instagram title/description.

And working on this is distracting from the events that freak me out of which I have little control over. Even if just barely, and too much of the time not at all.

Also I hate that fuckfacemcdoucheenstiengrabembythepussy is ruining my favorite color...  Fuck that guy sideways with a tomahawk missile.

Ah yeah now I'm grumpy AND forlorn a bit. But hey, WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS! Right? I mean we will? I hope? Maybe? Please?

okay - i've gotta move on to everything else to deal with. And then gird up in a couple loin cloths and head home.

heddwch
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NoHo Day 2, race report a week late

Well, a shit ton has happened since I last raced. A whole weekend of racing in fact. A weekend I didn't race. A weekend I got some sleep, did some major critical Nanoscape work, and went for a ride that confirmed my legs feel funny.

Last week, as I mentioned, waking up after a few beers the night before was rough. Robot MacD got a shot of me with that first cup of coffee in the bunk. And Chronoman marveled that i was able to even pin a number on, but legit? I was in good shape, esp compared to previous editions. Like Felt totally fine. Did not feel totally fine with the coffee situation, the percolator was good, but somehow not enough soon enough and BOOM COFFEE HEADACHE. Fuuuuuck.

So, well that was manageable, as manageable as you can race with a skull splitting headache. I knew what it was from and could make it work. Breakfast was awesome, except for the onions, dude that food TImmie tossed together tasted so good, so needed, but, disclaimer, me and onions have a rough relationship. Probably much like Negacoach and peppers. Burp, burp burp burp burp burp the whole race.

But that said, bonus? No thick pukey phlegm. So thanks onions, but BURP.

9:45am Race? FUCKING SUCKS. Your 3 hr food window is at 6:45. and that's just the 3 hr window not breakfast and coffee and pre-ride and when your first cup of coffee hits your lips at 6:30 or so...

well...  Lets just say, I love what the Vittoria series is doing but fuck you guys for making the old farts start so god damn early, most of us/them have been racing CX for 20-30-40 years, yeah but lets give those fucking spastic knuckleheads, the 3s, a prime spot, yeah. Whatever.

Initially my brilliant idea was to ride the Single Speed, aka the 26" SS MTB with 700c wheels and drop bars. But, well first lap on it was like "HOLY SHIT THIS IS A SLOW BIKE, ALSO HOLY SHIT THIS IS A HEAVY BIKE" i came back to the Timmie corral and grabbed the White blue and wow, like someone pushing on me. That much easier. Well shit i guess I'm racing with gears.

And then all of a sudden it was time to line up. It wasn't warm, it was cold. Felt cold at least. Gridded up, gave my nice Vermarc jacket to David B at the start, and BOOM WHISTLE.

The start wasn't straight, we went out the left side moved in, then we turned left into a 180 past the pits.

So. I'm like, okay, go, hold position, then this group including Wacko and G-Ride seemed to be condensing into a space that doesn't have enough space for them, alarm bells start going off in my brain, i hit the brakes, BOOM bomb goes off, bodies and bikes everywhere, but i manage to squirt around it ONLY TO FIND ANOTHER EXPLOSION OF PEOPLE TAKING THEMSELVES OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE.... which again I missed out being a part of. No one wants a GeWilli landing on top of them, trust me.

Problem that left, well the rest of the 45s had already made the 180.... and there was a gap. Granted there were a good pile of people laying on the ground, BONUS. Downside, they were all gridded at the start in front of me, so, hey, yeah they are all faster than me right now. WEEEEEE.

Make the 180 only to discover a half dozen people extricating themselves from a crash into the pit entrance pole.

MORE FAST PEOPLE ON THE GROUND. Oh boy. Also the people i WANT to race with are already 30-seconds up the road. Okay. well shit we can bring them back.

Hey we made contact. Oh hey, too many matches burned making contact.

Hey Jerry's here! Lets ride with G-ride, LIKE OLD TIMES, except he's going way faster than I am and well that lasted only long enough for photographic evidence of said him behind me.

Chased EVC chased big MRC...  just out of contact....  last lap...  no mans land again. Mailed it in. Again.

But it was fun. I nailed the turns, felt great on the tech stuff, just, when it came time to pedal? HEY WHY THIS HURT SO MUCH.

today's ride emphasized it, i'm getting slower as the "season" progresses. no Muse, no extrinsic motivation, no push to nationals (because f'those guys).

But i'm not having less fun.

I love this shit, even being slow.

Can't get it anywhere else. Yes, I'd love to have '13 legs again. But I don't. At least I can say I had them once. Should be enough right? One year.

The race was fun, course is just baller. People there even better.

Hung out, cheered, got the megaphone out, had a beer, but really nearly zero beers on the GeWilli chart and that's a good thing, and then sat in Pike traffic for an extra hour on the way home. Then only to be greeted with "what are you making for dinner?"

I was wrecked, tired, destroyed and I only raced one day. I didn't work (no money) so no extra stress but still...

This week has been weird too, Yesterday, took it off, completely, end of day legs were totally hosed, shakey to stand on.

Today's pedaling was a monumental difficult obstacle. Something is up, maybe is it the accumulated 7k+ miles this year, nearly all of it since May. Maybe it is too many beers? maybe it is total fuck the intensity pedaling outside of racing or riding with the RVC.

Not sure. But whatever it is I'm cracked and slowing down bit by bit every week. But I'm having fun pedaling my bike.

Today was awesome. The RI Red Rooster Ronde Recon is fucking falling into place. This ride is going to be awesome.

And yes - web log readers get first special crack at securing an invite only team captain spot.

Now? I'm going back to cooking dinner, also taking more clothes off.

Trailer wood is in the wood stove, temps were 63 when I fired it up, we're mid 80s in here right now....

That's with the stove damped all the way down. and me only tossing a log on top of smoldering coals....

be well,

have fun,

i wish i'd been at Supercross Cup this weekend but if I had I'd be physically wrecked and never would have gotten what I needed to get done on Saturday and I'd probably be sick for a couple weeks.

Next year for sure.

heddwch
G

here's the deal

if you decided to vote against the DNC because of some personal slight? Fuck you
If you decided to vote for cheetoMcFuckFace because he was going to burn it all down? Fuck you
If you decided you were white, and what's the worst that can happen? Fuck you
If you decided that there are enough checks and balances why bother voting at all? Fuck you
If you decided that you couldn't bear to vote for either despite being a decent person and 3rd partied it? FUCK YOU

not that the last category matters because while you suck, you don't suck as much as those that bill clinton alienated and drove out of the DNC because he decided to turn his back on the lower middle working class and enable the bankers and the rich fuckwads like CheetoMcShitgibbon.

i was going to write about the bike race... the slo-mo-crash awareness in front of me, the successful avoidance and then the hey wtf i can't pedal as fast as you fuckers when it comes time to pedal...

So... watch this


and then maybe this:

but maybe not because that is metallica and some of you won't like it... i like it...

To be fair, in retrospect, discussions with old people, people older than i am... Bill fucked it, like he did everything. Clinton that is. Duh. He set the stage and fucked those who voted for him thinking he'd advocate for those in the red states, the workers, the unions... but he didn't, he said, dude the banks and people like Donny T have a shit ton more hookers and blow and that hsit is fun... so Dubya came along and said - hey that guy didn't do shit for you, I won't either but i'll tell ya shit you want to hear and it'll be enough. Wee enough to fuck them further. Obama ran on hope and wasn't really much different, them folks in the red states, even the non-whites didn't gain much, and hey guess what THEY ARE A HUGE PART OF THIS COUNTRY, esp when it comes to electoral college. HRC didn't do any favors by having a last name the same as her husband who screwed everyone the first time.

Voter apathy? Yup. Does that suck majorly? Absolutely, people now realizing how much they fucked up by being disenfranchised or apathetic. So Fuck you for being either. EVERY FUCKING VOTE COUNTS. too late eh motherfuckers?

where do we go from here?

down the tubes. Drain the swamp into a privately owned wastewater treatment plant, where they charge you to shit, charge you to process your shit and then charge you to dispose of your processed shit, because, SHIT DUDE MAKING DOLLAH DOLLAH BILLS YO. because that's what will make Amurica great again...

POWER TO THE PEOPLE... wait... i gotta pay to take a shit??????

#hulksmash

i'll write bike pedaling shit someday soon... maybe...

heddwch
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NoHo, thank you I needed that

It was pretty awesome. Even if it took me a whole day and 3 hrs the following morning to be prepared and ready to leave and actually drive towards Look Park.

Not racing Day one took all the stress out, more stress was relieved (but at a price - lost the wrenching gig, which kind of sucked, was sort of hoping for the cash to pay for the racing and the travel - oh well) but not being in the pits for the pro races meant i could roam and wander and heckle and watch and hang out and everything. And relax. As much as you can relax running/riding around a CX venue from spot to spot and walking/riding from one end to the other and back.

If you show up, just race, and then just eat and leave, bike racing is not terribly taxing. If you show up, race, cool down, eat, clean up, organize a bit, then run around cheering for your friends and catching up with other friends, never sitting, never not moving, no down time, man it takes a bit out of you.

but so good. grateful to actually be able to do that.

couple links

http://www.cracked.com/blog/dont-panic/

http://allhailtheblackmarket.com/2016/07/important-matters-that-arent-really/

read those...

Then look at this...  hmmm HRC didn't engage as well as Obama, and maybe not as well as Sanders would have: http://imgur.com/TOGIbcP

then watch this...

or watch this and then read those...



In The Thicket from Nick Czerula on Vimeo.

heddwch
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Racing and changing plans

It was meant as a title about opting out of racing at Eco-cross tomorrow. Too much to get put together for this weekend to spend the better part of the day out on the Cape again.

I love that race, I love the farm, first CX race I did in my 'come back' that place is kind of awesome. Last year and the mud bath racing Derek Griggs was so much FUN.

The girls were on board with going, but I think I need to pull back, and just focus on getting my ass to NoHo in one piece not super tired or worn down. And half kind of thinking I'll race the SSCX at NoHo, why? because why the fuck not, also, i may not but it will def be the pit bike if i'm not racing it.

Wind back to a more optimistic time, aka last weekend. Sunday's race. It was cold and raining. Warmed up on the white blue with the old zipps and the fango rear. i was losing the back end all over the place even with a ridiculously low amount of pressure. And it was wet and a bit sandy and gritty, and then Giulia, while racing, reported that the fango WAS NOT GOOD.  I made a bee line back to the car, got started switching over to the Limus...  but then had the thought, and Eric the viking agreed, or it was his idea, i don't remember, but why not race the SSCX? The tires were pretty much perfect for the course, it has disc brakes...  So what if it was heavy, the course was relatively flat, only a few places I had to heft it over anything. New plan, put white blue with super sketchy wheels in the pit, talked to Kenny and he'd be ready to make a 61 neutral bike work if needed. And then Ride the course just before the race on the SSCX to make sure it would work. If not? Well we'll deal with that when it happens.

So i did a lap, and it felt not terrible. A bit slow out of the corners but perfectly geared everywhere else and never felt too tall except after that hairpin before the sand pit. The day two course was a bit different than Saturday, it felt different, more techincal maybe?

Syl was there with his nice fresh legs. I had a front row start. SSCX was a bit of a limit but not too bad, fortunately i can spin shit and never felt i was limited by cadence.

The day before I hit the right hand turn in 6th position, not sunday, more like 10th...  and it wasn't the bike. It was more me i think, or i dunno? barriers, sand turns run up down turn turn pedal turn pedal. actually kind of fun. BUT also cold.

even with baselayer on i was on the cold side, fingers were cool and legs were not as warm as I wanted for the first couple laps. I warmed up or the temp warmed up or something by the end but i think the cold had a bit of an impact. I got a decent gap over Syl at first, but he worked his way back up. Spent the first couple laps racing with the guy i was racing with the day before, Syl made contact, i did a few things better but not enough and he slowly eeked out a bike length here, and there, and then I lost contact, i was 30+ seconds ahead of the guy behind me based on the turn positions and all that with two laps to go, I gave it one more hard effort to close the gap to Syl but my back was starting to protest and my legs were tired and when it seemed futile I packed it in and did just enough to hold that position, not worrying about the time or the gap to syl.

It was fun. it was awesome. It was cold and wet but so good.

I'm looking forward to escaping a bit this weekend. Hanging out with friends, friends that are really almost more like family. Fuck it, they ARE family. we all know each other really well, most of us know each other's secrets or know stuff about each other than we've forgotten ourselves.

I'm not racing Saturday, but I am heading up earlier than later to be there with everyone. Maybe catch a couple laps on the day one course, maybe work, maybe not work, maybe just hang out and have fun. Take a break from everything that's been happening.

And hug everyone. #ALLTHEHUGS

we need more hugs.

i need more hugs.

we'll get through this somehow... i'm cautiously more optimistic than I was before. fear and sadness slowly being replaced by the hope we can use this to move forward. Russ posted this last night, it was a good read. Perhaps we can move forward and leave that tainted legacy of the Clinton era behind. But for now, I may just have to have an extra beer or two tonight...

heddwch
G

i should have written yesterday *edited

I was full of hope, the tiny little old lady at the polls, so excited to finally cast a vote for a woman as president gave me hope...  i was simultaneously buoyed and melted into happy tears at her body language and the process.

The ride to work was intense, it was amazing, warm, sunny, so positive, everyone looked happy, hopeful.

But it was very much like jumping off the cliff...

Talking with a friend yesterday, discussing that terrifying feeling...  that chance you make the jump and everything fucks up. A rogue wave tosses you into the rocks, you smash your head, break a leg, impale a sea urchin on your balls or up your ass....

Well... We jumped.  And we got fucked.

Yes, it is part of the process. It happens. It happened for very clear reasons, despite the efforts of many we had one party hell bent on using ever party tool to put a specific candidate forward, and the other party doing everything to keep a specific candidate off the ballot. The first party succeeded, the second didn't. The first party ignored the popular vote and favored super delegate awards, very much like the electoral college. The second party had no such thing so the popular vote won out.

What would have happened if both parties ran the primaries with popular vote?

For the democrats probably the same thing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Results_of_the_Democratic_Party_presidential_primaries,_2016
now that's assuming those are all legit poll numbers, no shenanigans.
Maybe ditch caucuses, straight popular vote? Ditch super delegates? Who knows.... FUCK I SURE AS HELL DON'T AND I NEED A BEER NOW.

there are my musings today. I'm sure someone else smarter with more influence has said them already and no they don't need to be said we need to move forward.

But fuuuuuuck How?

I got home last night, terrified feeling in my gut...  rode home in the day, but the moon was so beautiful, even if only partially full it was brilliant and glimmered off the waves...

It was a wonderful ride home.

Got home, Daughter has just had her first college visit that got her excited about a school. Got to hear about that, and then made everyone dinner, and I listened to music, i drank beer, avoided the TV and anything talking about results...

I drank the last beer in the house, climbed into bed, turned off the light and put in those soft foam ear plugs so I couldn't hear any of the TV and fell asleep in silence...

with a foreboding feeling of dread.

phone indicator never lit up, no flurry of emails from the DNC and fans that some how I got on a mailing list for, meaning all I could think when I saw nothing was GOP swept it all...  wife woke up immediately started reading what people were saying and said based on what they are saying he won.  I check my twitter feed...  yeah...  fuck...

it is a visceral fear...  honestly...  Sure I can rationalize, and say hey we survived Bush and he started two wars had a good number of terrorist attacks and drove the country into a deep recession. We'll survive again.

And we will. But how? At what cost? And will we really actually survive? That's a true and real question now.

The girls headed out this morning, I got ready to shower and head in, but i laid back down. And felt paralyzed. And much like Ryan Kelly said, if I'm feeling like this, and I'm a straight white male...  i can't begin to get it, although today, students, people here, no one has really stopped crying or looking terrified.

When I finally got on the bike to ride in...  every person I passed looked somber, on the verge of crying...  a stillness and a quiet lay over everything like a blanket. Huge damper covered and had seeped into every corner.

I stopped and got off the bike and walked down to the shore, sat on a giant knurled polished and sunbleached log. rocks under my feet and watched a tug boat wait for a bulk load ship to come up the channel. Sat for a while...  took a few photos, posted one to instagram and tried to put the words together.

Yesterday so full of hope, naive hope perhaps, but hope. Today, fear and dread, over reaction? perhaps  but still that's how it felt.

Somber quiet, tears, uncertainty, fear...

I wish i'd written the post i had in mind yesterday, the one full of hope...

I'll maybe write up the blog about the race on sunday and fill in the details of saturday...

if i can actually do anything and overcome this paralyzing sense of dread and hopelessness...

what do we do...  what do we do...

heddwch
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