Hey, D'yall remember?

 That one really bad idea ride i did? back in June?
http://www.gewilli.com/2020/06/now-that-was-bad-idea-ride.html

Thought I maybe should have had a lighter gear? Yeah I still agree. And sure I thought maybe it would be easier w/o the first 25 miles, and with temps 20-25 degrees cooler. I took off the seat bag and the frame bag and carried the old Jandd backpack. Put a bladder of water in there. Just noticed. The old platypus bladder, bought it in what '98 '97? popped a leak at a seam or along where the fill valve is bonded. Sigh. Not sure I can find new bladders anywhere. Might need to look into getting some of those 900 ml Elite bottles.

Packed two bottles with skratch, there was a rumor to have water at the mid-point so i packed a couple baggies with 1 bottle of skratch powder in each. Was one sip of water away from being dry in the bottles at the water stop. refilled both. They were empty when we got back to the car. I didn't drink anything from the bladder tho.

Almost made a few egg sandwiches, but was tired after spilling a whole 16oz mug of coffee in the dark living room just after making the pot....  and there was some pesto sauce pizza left over from the other night. Took some of that. Packed a few stroopwaffles. Ate a couple sausage links and a stroopwaffle before the ride. And drank coffee. Oh and had a potato samosa from DB just before the start. 

Wound up eating only one and a half slice of the pizza (they were small rectangular slices). That's it. Finished the last two slices driving home after dropping DB off. So really not that much food, but never felt hungry or low on energy. Drank enough, never cramped. And 100% was faster than last time. Might be riding with the geared crew and chasing Syl up hills. I still had to walk that one murderous climb, Falls River...  It really isn't that bad of a climb, if you have gears. And I really wasn't that much slower than Burke who pedaled as I walked. And I was faster this time than last time walking parts of it. 

I didn't take a single photo. Not one. 

But it was fun. A blast. I was over-dressed, long sleeve bontrager orange was NOT the right garment, wound up riding with it completely unzipped most of the time. The shadow reminded me of a manta/sting ray and my pasty white underbelly kind of cemented the metaphor but when I voiced it Syl laughed and said, sting ray? No way, more like a walrus.

Ouch. But true. Hauling my 220# (yeah I'm stuck at 100kg) was fun. But it worked and at the end I had some solid power left. It was kind of awesome. I felt good. Strava says I burned 4000 calories over the 4.5 hours. Maybe, but probably under-reporting. And probably plenty of reserves left over. The SSCX worked well. Lighter gear maybe sure, wouldn't have been a bad idea but would have made me slower.

Ran with 25 psi up front and 28 in the rear this time. Tires were good at spitting just the right size little rocks at whom ever was sitting on my wheel. So that meant in sand or mixed soily stuff it was constantly throwing stuff. Had a few oopsy bounces off a few rocks, the leaves covering everything made it fun. I think I burned through my rear brake. We went down hill as much as up hill and those tended to be just about as steep. Front brake downhill on leaf strewn rocks is not a good idea. No i didn't have to find out the hard way.. 

Aside from DB picking up a big stick in the rear triangle and bending a few spokes on his NEXT wheel we were mechanical free. The rest of the guys all did a Wild Turkey 101 shot at the waterstop. We saw good people, nothing but, on the ride. Not many others. Lots of families walking into the woods (active hunting season) and NONE of them were wearing the specified 200 square inches of orange. 

It was dry out there, dusty, used the bandanna for dust a handful of times. We were blasting back and my phone rang, I ignored it. Then shortly after that it rang again. Shit, you know, that double phone call. The panic button. Fuck. So i stopped. It was my brother Morgan in Seattle, uh oh. "Did you call me twice?" "Nope just once, how ya doing?" phew relief - so I said i'd call back (totally forgot to until now) when we were done with the ride. And put my shit back together and started chasing for all I was worth. 

It was fun.

It was really fun not being out of water for the last however long it was.

I felt much better. Would be kind of interesting to see what racing in my current form would look like. Def going better than I have in a long time, not '13 level good but def closer than I have since. 
But I was also 193 pounds then. Back was a blaze of constant precariousness always fucked up. And here I am lots of pounds more, not all of the weight is sitting over my belt. 

Today was one of those "SURPRISE YOU HAVE THE DAY OFF" kind of things, and fortunately I discovered this last night, not today while at work. Chill morning, drank coffee and didn't spill it everywhere. Went grocery shopping, made some nice pork butt slow roasted pulled pork and baked beans for dinner (big salad last night and for lunch). Re-sorted the bikes in the bike room... of course now I'll need the one all the way in the back, but maybe not. 

Rain in the forecast might threaten Dirty Smackdown, but we'll see, maybe not. If not I need to ride the cx bike in, oof fuck those tires are gonna be fun if it gets wet. Ahahahah, yes I have mud tires. I should really get them together. And if it is wet it will really finish those brake pads off.

Missed MTB'n but this was just about as fun. We started on Lego on the CX bike, it was fine. The gear a bit tall, too tall to go as fast as possible through there. Also line choice with the 700x45s is NOT the same as the 29x3 tires. But there were times on some of the trails where I fell back into the just rolling over everything, and that honestly worked pretty well for most of it. Nice sort of affirmation that maybe i've finally ditched that habit of driving around every rock and pebble. 

Gonna eat now.

Do some laundry and get ready for the crazy at work starting bright and early.

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

feeling adrift

 But not totally? 

Maybe it started with the olives, and the trigger about who hates them. I like them. But there are bad olives and the difference between the chemically doped black olives in a can from most producers and the black olives in the 365 cans that don't have that one thing in there are different, texture and flavor, and yeah the 365 ones aren't black - duh that chemical makes em look different. Ah well. 

Then a few more triggers or maybe they are detachment, clipping the guidewires.

Maybe they are self healing nanowires but well, once clipped take time to re-grown and establish control again.

Maybe I've been reading too much sci-fi. Is that possible? 

Listening to too much Opera? Nah. La Boheme, 1977 production, introduced by Tony Randall, with Pavarotti and Scotto. Fucking unbelievable. Seriously so good.

clicking through the open tabs I re-visited a bit on one that I wish would change but doesn't: http://www.teachingcancertocry.com/ 

it is more of a physical reminder of Ezra, a tie that connected those first years of Flickr, bikes, michigan and RI that is not there anymore. His food films? Fucking solid Like this one....  https://vimeo.com/19271094

I can embed it...

There

aztec soup from Fast Boy on Vimeo.

That's better.

I had a direction in mind. Got lost in the process. Probably more missing nanowires than i'm aware of.

That big microburst storm that blew through Wed night? Knocked down more branches and trees than the Hurricane that knocked out our power or any other storm in while. The bike path was blocked in 4 locations. Someone had come through and hit the first three with a chainsaw. So last night I pulled out the beer truck, hooked up the trailer and went and gathered what I could pick up and put in the trailer. Two trips. Couple days of heating the house in the dead of winter. Next year. this is green, needs seasoning but I've got enough to get through a few good cold spells for this winter. 

Ordered a Nordic Pocket Saw today. With that and some extra work, I can collect even more of this stuff  before the big tree trucks come along and stick the whole tree in the chipper. And I'll have it for the MTB rides when the hand saw is too small.

I keep thinking about bikes, well that's obvious, but now I'm referring specifically to acquiring new ones. Like I really should sell the Crossrip+ and replace it with a Madone SL6. Of course I'd need to sell the Ultegra crankset, and replace it with some 180 D-A ones. Sure the SLR would be super fab but that's more money, a lot more. Other brand? Meh not as good of a deal. A kindhuman would be fun but WAY too small. Need to have an XXL at least. And they don't. And then I think about full suspension, and gears and stuff. 

And then I'm remembering MTB riding when you're going fast is very much like rally driving. The co-driver is calling out stuff one and two things ahead of where you actually are. Your eyes on the bike kind of do that, or should be. I found myself looking three obstacles ahead or more - cataloging current space and the line with the next but looking forward for the set up. 

I'm a bit frustrated with my slowness in the first section of Dirt smackdown in the Hunt's mills stuff, but those big fat gravel tires with extra air pressure don't feel quite right or I'm just too big to try and turn and then the speed I take puts me just under optimal cadence out of the turns with the singlespeed. Change tires, change cogs, put gears on... lots of options, or I can just try and push it until I figure it out and can overcome whatever the limitation is.

But the looking ahead - ignoring what's right under the wheel and focusing on linking it all together.

Riding the Mt Bike brings me joy, even when it is a struggle, or i'm crashing on my head, there's still endless stoke and that tells me there's no need for another bike. Fewer choices are good. No agonizing, Oh i should have ridden that bike today...  there is only one bike, and mine happens to be in the wrong gear most all the time.

and i really like riding it

getting close to the time to head home

wrapping up the week - not quite getting everything done I was planning on, lots of extra "WHAT IS WRONG" taking up all the time. 

be well - cook good food - be kind - share the stoke

heddwch
G

reading it on the page doesn't

 make it easier:
https://www.bikemag.com/news/goodbye-for-now/

sure the news isn't new - broke last week, but here we are. BIKE is gone.

'94 it was probably one of the first "HOLY SHIT I HAVE TO HAVE THIS" magazines.

It was transformative - up against the other offerings, this one resonated. 

here we are a few years later and honestly just as I was about to look into getting a new subscription... poof... gone... for now.

hopefully it will come back, but the staff that made it what it is probably can't wait around indefinitely.

Maybe Mike F will finally get around to writing the book Stevil hinted at.

I'm gonna play chicken with the rain - i brought cycling clothes but I think i can make it home...  i don't want to change, how i have changed.

Here's this: http://drunkcyclist.com/2020/09/29/tuesdays-with-dirty-stuff/ and this if you missed them.

The faceplace has been making good with the old CX memories. Not so much making new ones this year.

But had a great ride last night on the one speed CX bike with the fat gravel tires.

Even some photo evidence. that's me with the glowing head in the center on my goofy colored bike wearing the blue socks.

have fun, enjoy the stoke of the ride.

heddwch

G

Finally an amazing list

 https://www.thegravellot.com/the-b-line/the-art-of-being-a-pebble-a-tgl-manifesto

Hard to get better than that, esp #13

All the way down the list so good, every one. Not one am I like, nah. 

Discovered, thanks to HooptySteve that I've got all access to the Met's On Demand catalog. Watched my favorite all time opera yesterday while working. Crazy how much extra desk work there way. Managed to finish the Flying Dutchman before the big zoom meeting. Started Das Rheingold last night, finishing it up here at lunch. (Yeah I had redbullTV watching the downhill doing work this morning. This Rheingold production is a bit. Odd. But The Dutchman is a good 2020 story.

Funny how timeless some stories are. And how amazing opera can be - themes and songs and all that. 

Dirt Smackdown tonight. We'll see how it goes, going to try it all SSCX style again. Greasey Joe's gravel grinder is happening on Sunday but I'm feeling more like MTB than doing that same route again. But then maybe would be good to do that route again w/o the first and last 25 miles. Still thinking about that.

long interlude - work seems to be building back to the crazy level. 

But my lights are charged and while i'm kind of hungry i think i've had enough calories for today. Hydration maybe not so ideal but i've got 45 min to fix that.

Remember:

Rule #13: Never, ever, damp The Stoke. Yours or anybody else’s. Did a friend just pick up a box-store bike? Don’t wince. Celebrate with them, help them get to know it, and offer to ride with them. Maybe offer a quick safety check. Did you just settle on a bike a couple steps below the spec you really wanted? Get excited, it’s still New Bike Day! Did your kid just pop their first half-inch wheelie? Hoist them on your shoulders like a Super Bowl MVP. Cycling can be a source for a thousand small celebrations every year. Embrace all of them.

heddwch
G

not quite but close

 the shadenfreude...

Scalzi retweeted the kind of perfect pair... doomscrolling and schaudensurfing

RedBull short track on the monitor today. It started just after I got back from getting my flu shot (you should get yours, no it isn't a vaccine, and yes it may actually increase the spread of the flu but if it reduces the severity and hospitalization rates that good - so get your damn flu shot and not you can't get EBV from the flu shot, but yes there are people who have complications, talk to your doctor if you have questions, hopefully your doctor isn't an idiot, def don't listen to rando weirdos on the internet and if the information is coming from facebook or youtube IGNORE IT TOTALLY - for anything more than just entertainment value).

Redbull short track racing was insane. Evie's crash then return was INTENSE.

Heading out early i hope. As soon as I finish this. Might be a bit cold for shorts and t-shirt ride home, oops. Guess it isn't summer anymore, might have to pedal harder to stay warm.

The news. Fuck what to believe? Also how many of your well intended friends and generally nice people doing the right thing are playing right into the hands of the manipulative voter suppresion? theya re super progressive but still endorse and promote ideas designed to divide and easily disenfranchise critical demographics....  kind of frustrating but at the same time, engaging and trying to correct this behavior online is almost always counter productive. Important to work on changing people face to face, not online.

Being compassionate is not easy right now.

Living through history TOTALLY SUCKS.

Reading books is a good escape, Becky Chambers book 'To Be Taught, If Fortunate" Is fucking fantastic. Emotional quick but amazing read. Recommend 10/10

I've read a bunch of books lately. Also listened to a bunch. And with my birthday present of some pixel buds i can listen to shit on my new (pandemic old) phone. AkA bike riding or cooking or otherwise generally completely self isolating to listen. 

Last 5 i've listened too (including the one i just started today)

Altered Carbon - Richard K Morgan

The Gone World - Tom Sweterlitsch (read by Brittany Pressley - she's GOOD)

Thirteen - Richard K Morgan

To Be Taught, If Fortunate - Becky Chambers (also ready by Brittany Pressley)

Last Day on Mars - Kevin Emerson

I just tried to undo the boa on my shoes. I'm wearing the work shoes, they have laces. That was funny.

Bikes this weekend, sunday is dirt church on the mtb...  best remember to check over the bike after the long ride tuesday, maybe a touch more chain lube. Kind of want to get some 50w motor or 250w gear oil and do a test with a super light dilution. Boundary film thinking. The wax stuff is bugging me and while that stupid expensive graphene lube seems to be working for people, it is REALLY expensive and you know, down here we work on solutions for the people, share them and help everyone put resources where they can do more good than just pouring money on a bike chain.

Check out Redbull TV on sunday the cross country stuff should be awesome to watch. 

heddwch
G

well now that wasn't the plan

 Long break from writing? Not deliberate.

Lots to think about, lots to comment on, from the social media awareness that KF talked about in one social media post to a story Cort popped up on IG...  Simple topic those that need the most help, doing the most damage, could most benefit from a cleaner 'diet' are the least likely to make the change.

Jo_e Ro_grown_an Geniuses. Fair and balanced all trying to oppose the woke. All the while acting like snowflakes and calling others that.

It is frustrating. 

Go read RK Morgan's Thirteen. Fucking Jesus Land, the Rim states, the whole premise and framework was plausible the first time I read it years ago, and now? Fucking too close to the truth. Except the lack of Mars tech and the 13s.

Caught bits of the red bull XCO today. Riding on New England MTB trails over the last year has totally changed my perspective of MTB riding. That one race I busted the spokes on? Sure as hell had a few sections that were as difficult as the Pro course (it seemed, I'm sure the camera makes it look easier - maybe - maybe not) but still. Fun to watch and I don't care who won, didn't really know who was racing except for the few folks I've followed with the CX crossover. 

Read this from Red Bull and Peter Flax: https://www.redbull.com/us-en/theredbulletin/anthony-lopez-loss-leader

yall need a feel good story.

also go watch the reply of the races - put it on the big screen and just enjoy the time as those crazy pro athletes kick some serious ass. 

Did the DIY Landmine D-Day course. 41 miles of MTB. I did it on the singlespeed of course. Syl, David B and Chris B joined. Syl on his full on XC race Blurr, DB on his fancy full sus Specialized with the brain and Burke on his 9.9 top fuel with the crazy light upside down rockshox. And me. On my one speed tank. And I probably slowed them down a bit, esp on the flat pedaly sections. Got me thinking about XC bikes. 

Watching the Red Bull world cup stuff got me thinking more about them. 

But also have really felt so fortunate to have had this long stretch of time w/o racing, so i could just ride. No pressure, no results, just riding. 

Tuesday was a long day. First the long drive up to Hingham to do the DIY Landmine D-day. Then the drive home in traffic, picking up kid, making dinner. Car was making funny noise that it wasn't earlier in the day. I passed on eval that night. Went to let Millie out one last time, was out there with her, heard a commotion then a yip and she came back from around the other side of the tree in our tiny back yard coated in skunk. She got nailed right in the face, in the eyes. I was about ready to fall asleep, wrecked and tired, but then spent the next while washing the dog outside, twice, then brought her in and E gave her another bath inside. Gave her a vinegar bath last night. And last night discovered well, there's an exhaust leak somewhere. Pretty quiet when all the pipes are cold but as it warmed up it got louder. WEEEE. There's a lot of pipe under the mini-van. this is gonna be fun.

All day meetings today and yesterday. But enough gaps that I could eat lunch and recharge watching red bull. I only caught the end of the mens race but watched the women's during lunch and then finished that up after the first afternoon meeting. 

So now what. 

Act locally. Stay sane to support those around you, fuck the news, do what you can, connect with your congressional delegates, your representatives, vote. The local swell is the important part. 

Also, be a good fucking human. I don't think you can really do that and support you know who.

Empathy, compassion. And yeah, I do believe you have to be anti-racists now. And yes just like not all white people are in that triple (letter between J and L) some BIOPC are criminals, but using them as the excuse to support your own bias and prejudice is obviously wrong. 

I need more coffee but am going to see if i can make it w/o it. Gotta taper at some point, but hey gotta figure out the dropping of a few pounds too. Sleep. need that too. 

A colleague had to leave unexpectedly - or expectedly but - nevermind - complicated. They stopped by to say goodbye and to thank me for the help and patience and all the support research wise. They brought a thank you note on a card and a 4 pack of fancy imperial IPA. I felt more of an obligation to accept the gift, it felt like the right thing to do, to not send them back with what the brought for me. But now, hey who wants a beer? Do I have any close friends who might enjoy it that I can re-gift them to? Feel a bit of an obligation to make sure the gift is amplified or at the least not wasted in a trival gesture. 

So hey if you show up to dirt church on sunday - and want some good beer, let me know, i'll bring them and give them to you as a way of thanks for reading. Fine print: you have to show up in person, and let me know so i don't forget to put them in the van with the loud exhaust.

I'm gonna go home - and try and figure out what to make for dinner.

heddwch

G

Dumpster fire

 This just keeps getting worse, and worse, and worse.

Fucking hell.

I checked into twitter, STUPID bad timing. 

I really don't know what to think. 

only feel angry and sad

can't remember if i had read thirteen or not, so while waiting for a few things to come off hold i started to listen. i hate being patient while the plot jumps around and everything connects. but i also hope that the jumping around is chronological, while sometimes that is fun to read I don't have the mental headspace for that right now.

need an escape not a challenge. life is a challenge, work is a challenge, i want to escape into a book. better than escaping other places. 

need another day off, another day blissfully away from the world, focusing on what I can control, what i have influence on. 

Stevil's post today reminded me of what was drilled into us: there's no such thing as an unhealthy environment. The earth really doesn't fucking care. If it doesn't support life now, give it time, it'll figure it out, we can't really do anything. This blip of insanity in the history of man is pretty small, a culmination of 200 years of bullshit? Or a continuation of it. A turning point or just another inflection.

Time will tell. 

i feel a little better, but not much, gonna escape into the audiobook a bit more before bed. might need to up the speed a bit 1.4 x is feeling too slow.

heddwch

G

Happy Birthday Stevil - 50 looks good on you

Fifty. from Stevil Kinevil on Vimeo.

Love this - so well done. And a great way to combine his passions

Been a while since last writing - lots going on but nothing new, noteworthy or urgent enough to find time in the crazy to sit down and write. And no, there's never anything noteworthy here, or urgent enough, like an irregular blog could have urgency? Yeah no. Stevil has his once a week deal, it is good. Janice has pushed to more frequent then infrequent then big photo dump. Everyone does their thing. it is also easy to tell who is forcing it and when, and also not hard to parse out those doing it for the add revenue to build on their whatever and those doing it just to fucking do it.

Life, it comes at you fast motherfuckers. 

Batty's post here is good. 

View this post on Instagram

I posted this unedited clip to my story last night following yesterday’s hellish escape from Cowshit Caldera that included a miles-long hike-a-bike for in super stiff XC shoes after bumping along terrible, cow-beat two-track on a carbon bike... and slowly becoming more and more disenchanted with @nationalparkservice and the American lie every revolution of my cranks and every slow, painful step. I needed this shitty steep hill that showed up 20-some-odd miles into a six-hour day. I needed to feel my body say “FUCK YOU” to everything I felt and everything I saw. I desperately needed to know that despite losing the last bit of my hope in this bat-shit stupid country, *I* could still keep going. And you know what? I fucking did. That’s the big ‘secret’ to life (and to bikes) — you just keep going. Don’t stop. Don’t call it quits. Don’t. Fucking. Stop. Pedal until the ground disappears, and then keep on pedaling — walk, crawl, sit down, shout at the sky if you’ve gotta, then get the fuck up and keep fucking going. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT — they aren’t coming to save you. Life only matters if we drain every goddamn drop; the only drops worth draining are the ones where we aren’t fucking dead — when death is the only true end, you’ll be shocked at how sardonically optimistic you can be. It ain’t over until it’s over, so we keep fucking going, we keep fucking grunting and it doesn’t matter if we’re fast or slow or fat or skinny or happy or sad or black or white or purple or legless — all that matters is that we’re not fucking dead. That’s a win. So I keep going until I am, no matter what. Because what else am I gonna do — end it myself and waste all this perfectly good suffering?! Fuck no. I wanna get eaten by a bear and have my rotting carcass dragged away by wolves. Or get smashed by an ice cream truck on my way to the gym or die in my sleep during a weird fucking dream or overdose on electrolytes or anything other than giving up. So just keep going. That’s really the biggest secret of them all — just go. It doesn’t have to be perfect or pretty or even remotely functional. Just keep pedaling. ⚡️⚡️⚡️ #notdead #beepbeepmotherfucker

A post shared by Amanda Batty (@abattycakes) on Sep 22, 2020 at 10:06pm PDT

Might sound sort of familiar. One foot in front of the other. Keep going... there's quite a few echos of this going around now. It helps to have the reminders tho.

Drain the drops out of this shit. I was all set to get right to the backlog of emails from yesterday's day off (yeah took one finally - then rode Dirt Smackdown with some serious heavy hitters, like a lot of the fastest guys in town - on my singlespeed CX bike like a dumbass) and then I watched Stevil's video. 

And where we are. Funny thing is - i saw it on faceplace - on my once daily scroll, after alerting a fast post doc kid on the ride about a possible lead on a job. 

Okay motherfuckers. 

Maybe i'll catch up today.

Maybe i'll get buried again under stuff.

I need to jump out of this rabbit hole I've launched full sail into.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch

G

where are we

 and where do we go from here?

one step forward, action local, be a force for change, listen, engage, understand, work to educate...

Pile of links:
http://www.jilloutside.com/2020/09/a-breath-of-fresh-snow.html

big ol' yup every time Stevil posts...
https://allhailtheblackmarket.com/2020/09/pretending-to-pretend-things-are-normal/

and yeah of course ya gotta look at this compartmentalization of Brian's work:
https://www.cycleexif.com/jacquies-chapman-cycles-tourer

and yeah if you've been around you've run across JP and Charlie Cunningham and hell it is the root and sole of part of cycling in the US, part that I connect more with, more than the hard core roadie scene.

There was some other stuff... most of what I posted earlier.

The fires, the forest, the climate change, and yes, managing with controlled burns, not banning controlled burns because of air quality and other stupid things, but also even perfectly and properly managed forests can burn. 

Maybe not as bad as now, but yes - still... shit is dry. Our house for some reason has been missed by just about every major rain storm that blows through. Everything is drying up. Dry.

And this morning was cold. 

I wore pants today! PANTS MOTHERFUCKING PANTS! 

Oops I just had coffee and it is after 5. damnit.

Was also going to leave early and swing past my brother's farm and get some Ghost Peppers, maybe a chicken, maybe try for tomorrow. Now gotta head home and work on dinner and stuff.

maybe i'll put more words together later

maybe about the ride on sunday (it hurt - and was slow - but was so good)

heddwch
g

more traction than anticipated

 No - not the last post, no one reads this.

Over on the twitters, RH tweeted the NPah piece and then I added the link that JVH posted on the 24th, about carbon footprint being a British Petroleum (aka BP) PR stunt, nothing more.

And well - retweets are keeping my notifications busy:
https://mashable.com/feature/carbon-footprint-pr-campaign-sham/

That's the JVH via someone else, link

The NPah one:
https://www.npr.org/2020/09/11/897692090/how-big-oil-misled-the-public-into-believing-plastic-would-be-recycled

And you'd think I'd learn. Brought enough food for lunch. Ate most of it by 10am. Left with a salad that I put off eating until almost 2pm, and yeah 3:30 and I'm hungry again. 

Also have been waking up well before 6am for a few days. It is dark. Daylight is slipping away. Won't have this much light till Middle of March or some shit like that. 

Looking forward to getting back on the MTB in the woods, but might take tomorrow off, been on the bike all week, go into Sunday AM a bit more rested. or something. Can't ride EVERY day. Although August had me going pretty good - only 4 days, maybe 5 that I didn't ride at all. And those days I didn't ride still involved bikes, so, really, bikes rule everything around me. What did you say Gomer Pyle? Surprise surprise surprise - of course ya gotta hear that in Robin Williams voice from GOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAAAAAAAM.

trying to wrap up Season 2 of Altered Carbon before the Netflix trial ends. I've spent more time looking for something to watch on Netflix than actually watching it. And I never actually watched that Flavorful Origins show. FWIW I have the same problem with Hulu and Prime and any other on-demand service I've looked at, fuck it - I can't even decide what to watch on Youtube most of the time.

Also kicking myself for missing the premier last night. 
https://www.rei.com/blog/cycle/rei-presents-do-better-together

I guess not a premier - just a screening - so feeling less bad about it - still good to watch it if you haven't yet.

Couple more things to do today before the day ends, then, ride home, do dishes, make dinner, more dishes, maybe make some ice cream, maybe read, and then hopefully get some sleep.

y'all be good, do good, be a force of good, create some ripples, help those around you stay afloat in the storm, personal or global...  Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

PEX...

 Probably maybe the single most negative influence in my life. 

Trauma galore. 

Constant growing up, and still now that self consciousness is deep, can't remove it.

Wearing a shirt, all the time, even when it was too hot and everyone else was shirtless. 

There's more to hating the beach, the pool, public spaces where 'males' of all ages are generally always topless than being too skinny to float growing up, to being so prone to sunburns, and generally not liking crowds of strangers.

Take the shirt off - instant judging. People I knew, would look at me, stare at my chest...  and being me i was aware of it, aware of the shift in people's mood/attitude, even if it was brief or instantaneous. Usually it wasn't. 

PEX...  pectus excavatum...

I remember as a kid, vividly, by my mother seems to not remember it or denies it, that i was given the option to have surgery to correct it. break the bones, re-set them... for some insanely naive or inexplicable or total lack of foresight (you tend to be that way before you hit double digits in age) I thought I should stay the way i was, it wasn't hurting anything, why fix something that wasn't broken.

Little did I know. 

So, when Nat started posting the Captain Tits Out photos, I connected and it resonated instantly, Obviously it is different, but more similar when you understand me, I'm too sensitive, too much like a girl... if you talk to macho macho men/boys i knew growing up. 

Didn't really plan on going down this road.

But well, go read this "Captain Tits Out: everything..."

Yes.

The perception and the awkwardness is 100% mine. But I could not figure out how to make it not bother me. still can't. still uncomfortable. I've developed ways to deal with it - and at times I just don't have any more fucks to give. Post CX race maybe, pre-race... fuck it, but there, you just raced, or will race, that's where the judgement falls, you also have your own measures, did you finish? did you do your best? Who the fuck cares about a bit hole in your chest. But maybe that's just the group of people at the race. 

Why did it bother me? It didn't at first. But others with cruelty, shame and focused attention made it impossible to ignore. Even in high school, one innocent remark or extra lingering of eyes triggered the whole trauma and stress.

i'm not only an imperfect person mentally, but also physically in a very visible way, and being taller than everyone else and skinnier than everyone else exponentially amplified it. I was already a freak, an outlier. this pushed it even further.

Not sure how much it helps to write this, I've certainly given fewer fucks lately, but fuck, I AM ALMOST 50 I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED THIS OUT FOREVER AGO. 

Okay that really hurt. Writing that I'm almost 50. wow... fuck

sigh

A RIGHT BUNDLE OF POSITIVITY TODAY EH MOTHERFUCKERS? 

I don't want to co-op Natalie's words, but I hope her ripple can turn into a tsunami of change.

heddwch

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Singlespeeding

 "Nothing beats the simplicity of singlespeed riding yet in my opinion"

Okay so then there's this guy pretending to talk like me - but man i'm not quite that crude - all the time or any of it lately but still fucking strange hearing someone that sounds like me:

https://youtu.be/BHiUautKMO0

was gonna write more but today got out of hand, 

maybe later.

follow up w/doc tomorrow

rode in the new helmet yesterday - was gonna write about that but you can just go to IG if you want the visual.

heddwch

g

reading

 https://www.outsideonline.com/2416668/neighbors-save-homes-czu-lightning-fires

https://elemental.medium.com/a-supercomputer-analyzed-covid-19-and-an-interesting-new-theory-has-emerged-31cb8eba9d63

https://elifesciences.org/articles/59177?fbclid=IwAR1xyXefUuxNajBm_JFjaxafnouqSFSmCzpJYG4ssSEyIwt3DSSzJIKgJLk 

some fun reading...

This thing about Vitamin D. Up until maybe 18 months ago I would sporadically take 1000 IUs of it. Then i started taking it almost daily. Had blood work done in November (routine) and my Vit D levels, for the first time in my life, registered at the very lowest level of the acceptable range. The lowest level. Like one tenth lower and it would have been flagged. That's taking 1000 IUs/day, usually at the end of the day after a meal. plenty of time for max uptake, in some hypotheses. I ran out of those a couple months ago and said fuck it - bumped up to 2000 IUs. per day. 

And to be fully transparent I usually chase them with some of that Adaptogen (yeah I think it works pretty well actually) and some Magnesium (yes also I feel a difference when I don't get it). And yes I stopped taking those last two for two weeks to kind of test if they were making a difference, and yeah I noticed both not and then the resumption. It increases my 'chill' factor. Def more relaxed, far less anxious (but still anxious - can't fix everything with a few sups). 

The Vit D is nice esp with this covid thing. If i do wind up getting covid, well hopefully all that extra daily dose will help. I hope I don't get it and I'll be doing everything I can not to. But still. Kind of like wearing a mask. It isn't hurting me, and might actually be helping me. Like helping me realize when I have dragon breath or dog breath. 

I'm probably going to take the weekend off the bike. Maybe a short ride, maybe not. Haven't had a down week in a while so, crash turns into forced rest week. Might try and add some intensity on the trainer inside - no risk of crashing or other stuff once the weekend is over.

Def looking at landmine and the D-day version. (MTB race - virtual and stuff)

Just not for a few days/weeks. 

Wrapped up a virtual retreat today, ZOOM ALL DAY. Sometimes two rooms at once. Playing DJ with the sound on two computers, mixing to get it just right. 

Been listening to Altered Carbon (audiobook) and yeah - i read it once before, just finished watching season 1 on netflix, and now i'm listening to it. Interesting how divergent but similar the storylines are and how they are woven in. 

I got some pixel buds for my birthday -so no i have wireless speakers to jam in my ears. I kind of like it, looking forward to trying it out at the shop tomorrow, although I do kind of like the ambient not having shit plugged in my ears style of music and books on tape when working. But might prepare for both.

Time to pedal - shit, extra late already damnit, and here I was going to leave early today. Nope.

Mood post crash has been not bad. Def feeling fortunate. Generally feeling better than previous weeks, but then you know that's probably just because my birthday is over and in the past and I have almost a whole year I don't have to think about it at all... Except next year is another big one, is it pessimistic enough to ponder who the fuck will ruin this one? Or just being me? Right now I don't care and there is no rush of dread or sadness or any emotional response thinking about that, too far away. too many days to get through before then. 

One day at a time.

One foot in front of the other.

heddwch

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Pulled the trigger

 New lid ordered. Even though I missed the better discount it is still pretty damn cheap vs retail and it is the right color. After all color is really all that matters right? At least here in hunting season a helmet is enough orange to comply most of the time.

slow morning, catching up, feet up, still pretty wrecked from the crash, still sore but not as bad as yesterday. Slept a little better. 

Rain is coming, i can either ride the ebike or the singlespeed. I think i'm going singlespeed, after picking kid up, and putting gas in the van, shit i'm running out of time. 

--

wrote that yesterday morning - did indeed get on the singlespeed, in the rain. Was slow. Felt slow, but not terrible. The tailwind though, made me feel great - damn this feels easy going this speed on this bike - oh... right... tailwind.

Slowly feeling better but not there yet. Currently wondering/thinking maybe I need to just take the weekend off. 

trying to work through some mind melting nest of crazy threads, i hope I'm not leaving too many loose ends to unravel and make this all worse.

found one that could be a problem, hopefully sorting it out before it becomes unrepairable...

My doc went digital with a new portal, got to see my weight and BP over the last 6 years. Hard to imagine that i was 193 pounds in january in '14. Feels like a lifetime ago. Hate that seeing that date gets me thinking about the choices made. But they were made and we are here now and that's all that it is. I think I drank myself up to about 215 or so, the year off the bike/the greatly reduced mileage, contributed to that too. slow progression the other way? Who knows. Probably esp since I just bought some fat shorts (36 waist instead of trying to keep squishing into 34s) I tend to do that, buy fat pants get skinny, buy skinny pants get fat. And by fat I mean that precarious balance between 195-200 and now - pretty small change with all perspective applied. No I'm not always obsessing about it but I think about it when looking at numbers over time. BP numbers aren't too bad could be lower but after all that coffee i'm okay with it. i ride hard enough to crank that number up and keep everything running better than most.

Been drizzly, last night was like riding through a cloud home. I said "I rode through the cloud" and my kid said "No I rowed through a cloud" we were both out along the water at roughly the same time, on a bike and in a single. 

Snapped this on the way in this morning:

Was misty and calm...  but clearing when i made it in.

Better actually eat lunch during lunch. 

heddwch

G

all in the timing

 of course i didn't think to order a new helmet yesterday:

"If you’ve been thinking about buying a new helmet for yourself or for someone else you care about, now is the time. Make sure to get your order in before August 31st, because September 1st will be too late."

TOO LATE

Now I get a choice between the top of the line that is 2x as much money as the next lower priced one but in the blaze orange color (like the one I bounced off the rock in) or the cheaper one in a less desirable color, or a totally different brand.

Heck can't even EP a Lazer MTB helmet - no stock (retail there's a few but not many and I am kind of stuck on that blaze orange color). Giro doesn't have much stock, nor the right color.

What else is there? Smith? I dunno their helmets never quite fit as well and the color, again...

Guess who might be getting a [another] silly expensive helmet? 

..

Doc did a bunch of O.M.M. on me this morning. They were pretty shocked at how wrecked I was and how functional I was an how little the impact did. Expected some puking or passing out or something with the extent of the whiplash damage and impaction. So bad was my physical state I need to go back for more work next week. Most of the shit is just going to take time to heal but I can take a deep breath today for the first time since the crash, so that's good. 

BP was a nice 120/70 after only drinking a pile of coffee this morning, oh right Doc said to drink water like a fish. Damnit. I need to get more water in me. Will work on that right after my next Covid test. 

Lots going on. Too much to say. or more just that trap of indecision as to where to start, so there's not start, a block.

photo interlude

took a walk - took some photos - finishing this up - back to work

heddwch

G

GeWilli go boom

 Right on my head - middle of non-birthday birthday ride. 

Smashed my fingers lower back and a 30odd pound bike landed violently and with significant inertia/kinetic energy on the inside of my right leg/calf. 

But all that happened after I didn't get the wheel up in the right spot and that sent me over the bars head first into a very large rock. KABOOM splat. 

When your first thought as you're crashing is, damn that was loud and hard and i wonder if the helmet is broken, is probably not so good. 

Feeling pretty good all done and told. didn't black out and yeah it was a fucking ringer of a hit on my head, no headache. Everything's pretty sore, esp lower back, I think that hit on a large pointy rock at the end of the crash. Don't totally remember. Happened so fast. it wasn't one of those slow motion ones. it was fast.

And here I had felt like nailing this would be the PR time...  it is a really difficult rock section. I've ridden it once in both directions, but usually fuck it up somehow and dab, or get off and walk after someone else dabs. Most people dab or don't quite get it. I haven't seen anyone ride it perfectly every time. Most ride it more often than I do tho. Most of the guys I'm riding with. All with years and years more practice on this section and skills to match (mostly).

So at least i fucked up on something pretty challenging and not something stupid, and honestly? I don't know exactly what I fucked up on but would I try the approach again? YUP. but this time maybe a few inches to the left and a healthy dose of respect and prep. At least my instincts were to tuck my chin and lead into the rock with the crown of my head. Honestly I just remember seeing the rock coming at my face and then WAM on the top of my head. Would have loved to have it on video (on-board might not have been as spectacular as from a different perspective).

Phone survived, bike survived (rear der would have been destroyed if there was one on there). And eventually i was able to ride out. Walked for a while, then finally was able to pedal. couldn't really grab the brake with the right hand tho. 

There's a pile of other shit going on but this has kind of been a nice distraction, but not really. Would have been better to have made it through the ride w/o smashing myself on some big unforgiving rocks. 

We'll see what the full implications are. may not be good for the 4Fs stage race. Crashed out... dunno. 

new aches and pains and restrictions in motion have cropped up during the day today. heading to doc's tomorrow.

but now i'm headed out of the office

might pick up on the rest of the stuff later - or i'll continue the convalescence and just watch TV.

heddwch

G

Funny that

 The day was okay, we bailed on the redo of Stage 2 of the 4Fs, the scope challenge went smoothly but took a while.

And then at home, gonna cue up another episode of Altered Carbon (yeah I'm liking this, it is good) and E says "They cancelled your show." 

me: um? what show?
E: "the one you were watching, netflix cancelled it"
me: ...

sigh

kind of funny. https://www.forbes.com/sites/erikkain/2020/08/26/real-death-has-come-for-altered-carbon-as-netflix-cancels-its-best-sci-fi-show/#702e879b27a8

Real dead. Won't feel bad when netflix not on the tablet anymore, but hey at least I know i only have a two seasons to get through, perhaps it isn't so bad.

Take this one show at a time. Get through this. Deal with what's next when it is time. 

That last line there, maybe not surprisingly, changed my mood from grumpy and pissed to even and okay and not mad anymore. 

Funny that, re-alignment.

What to do. Today's storm change the ride plans dramatically, perhaps the weekend one will too, maybe that'll be even easier, no ride. What's the only sure thing about a streak? That it will come to an end. These birthday rides...  maybe they've been going on long enough. Next year can start a new ride tradition, maybe.

Gotta get there first. 

One motherfucking day at a time. 

heddwch

G

Escape

 Sometimes... one finds balance in a different means of escape.

Perhaps not balance...  but having been reading a lot, and listening to a lot of books, i actually started watching something. 

Felt good. Oddly. I'm exhausted but it was like reading a good book, revitalizing. 

WTF. Staring at a table screen watching a series? That's not supposed to do that.

And of course I started watching something that said - oh no you don't that was enough and it wasn't a full access invitation to watch the whole season, oh no, you can only see the first episode and a half before we say log in with your non-existent cable provider. And yes, Snowpiercer the TV series? Is just as fucking good as the film. At least the first episode and a half were.

And then someone started a free trial with netflix, so of course I started watching something, and needed the 'hit' the escape, the release from the hell, the impending civil war, the racial violence, the incredulous hypocrisy that is becoming this country I'm in, this insanely frustrating juxtaposition... Have to stay sane to help hold some imaginary line. I'm struggling with it.

Tag teamed dinner with the kid, stopped at a farm stand and paid for some veggies, made dinner, watched TV, escaped. But not TV on the TV, no - that's no my domain.

The shit i can sit through isn't something that others in the house can, and v/v... it is okay, it just is.

Fuck this is about as close to a drunken rambling as I'll get, similar feeling of exhaustion, lethargy, and the  rest of the emotions...

maybe I'll sleep well tonight, maybe i'll remember to bring the bike in tonight even. Probably should do that. If I don't the rain will roll in before I get out of bed. But then the bike will be pre-wetted. 

I dunno...

okay i know a few things, one of them is I need a break, not just a day off here or there to take  because i'll lose them, like i've done since losing the days in April, fuck we have been given many days off, i seem to find myself at work on those days...  oh well... it is okay, i'm just in need of a reset...  in maintenance mode now. What show? Altered Carbon. I really enjoyed the books but they were so long ago that I don't remember them well, other than liking them.

one foot motherfucker, one foot, then the other, 

amor fati motherfucker

heddwch

G

i give up

 too hungry

eating lunch now, almost ate it at 9:30.

not sure what I'm going to eat for lunch...

will figure that out when i'm hungry again, if i ever stop being hungry

missing

 MIA? Me? never.

Had a conversation last week about someone's guilt for not posting more regularly. 

They have more invested in this whole thing I suppose, although my investment in this web logging thing should make me a millionaire or something. To date is hasn't done anything but act as a substitute for therapy, so maybe it has saved me a million bucks? I dunno.

Rode the MTB this weekend. Had fun.

Been playing with the Paramount. Wheels aside it is back to old school road bike. Downtube shifters and all.

Almost put the 7700 shifters on, but found the 7402 (8sp) levers last night looking for the other American Classic waterbottle hardware. Unfortunately i found this morning, and confirmed by checking the shimano tech docs that I'm missing two little bits. They work. they are functional and I went ahead and taped up the bars. 

Need to either find those two parts or actually put the 7700 on. But maybe that's why I was able to pick up these, because there was something missing. As someone pointed out in all the polling I did last night, everyone should have at least one road bike with down tube shifters.

Paramount it is. 

Today a year ago was the first MTB ride on the Stache in Big River. Have not looked back. Been f'n AWESOME!

Hard to believe it is Tuesday. Feels like Thursday. But then again I worked on Saturday and Sunday and while I took Friday off it was busy as hell and not relaxing. 

And yeah it is getting close to the day i hate the most. Right now thinking next year I should do the North South Trail - but not just point to point but from the south to the north and back again. On the singlespeed. That way I can avoid all the other people for the full duration of that fucking day except anyone stupid enough or brave enough or compassionate enough to join me on such an idiotic attempt. 

Damn that took all of a few sentences to turn me into one pissed off grumpy mood. 

Gonna see what we can do with the 4Fs tonight. Paramount it is. A couple high school kids and a couple old collegiate staffers...  in a race that is broken down by average age. I laughed. We're right in the middle, duh. Funny. Last week wasn't too bad. Today is a good time to practice some pacelining, figure out the route and then go for the fastest time on Thursday. Our fastest time. 

Gonna be nice and 90 out there. Perfect. or not.

I'm kind of excited to have the P-mount running like this. Been a long time. Still kind of want a new modern road bike. Took a peek at the KindHuman offerings...  the road bike? too fucking small. Sigh...

Oh well, I was also thinking, goddamnit i have too many bikes to ride...  and finally, deliberately and not w/o effort they are all functional. Well the Croll is still just frameset with bar and stem (and my damn Dura Ace hoods but the brakes are hooked up and I don't want to take it apart just for that). 

And yet I want to get a new modern road bike and a geared full suspension mtb. But neither would get ridden enough to justify the couple grand (minimum - more like $3k once the crank is bumped to a 180).

Sigh...

almost time to go ride...

to escape for a while...

or something...

best get the water bottles filled...

heddwch

G