Thank you...

This post has been written a few times. The first draft deleted and abandoned completely. The second draft got way to involved in thanking each person in detail and then the thank yous got way too personal, even for GeWilli on this insane blog where i am insane and you all know that.

I will leave in the part where if these two read it and feel like listening to the words of thank you that I tried to share over coffee two years ago but maybe their misunderstanding or misassumption that the words I wanted to say over coffee were pure appreciation and gratitude but somehow this public but private struggle bus that I am wanted to say them face to face was intimidating or scary, it is understandable. But this anonymous call (even if i feel pretty certain neither reads this anymore) is the passive introvert way of reaching out one last time.

Speaking of introvert and passive and all that. GCD posted a link on Faceplace I agreed competely, then was struck but not surprised by Griggs's comment. He doesn't get it. Drove it home even more. I had an awesome time hanging out with Derek this past week.  Love that guy to no end. We have lots in common, no shortage of things to talk about and absolutely nothing that we can't fill the gap without draining the introvert batteries. Yes, I can talk, and as long as I'm talking about stuff I'm passionate about, care about, I can talk at lengths. But make small talk? Meaningless fill? Not so good at that. Even with beers to fool the inner introvert.

Sidebar the size of my CX handlebars (46 c-c).

Okay now back to thank you for what? For Nationals. Thank you for the support, encouragement, the help, the support, the hugs, the faith, the love, the doughnuts, the beer, the everything.

For a guy who catalogs stuff he is given like rainman, but can't keep track of stuff he gives, it is an odd way to exist. It feels like I'm constantly and perpetually in debt (maybe life mimics finances in that way for me) perhaps i am living in perpetual debt on both sides. I dunno, somethings seem to suggest otherwise, but that's maybe a modest way of understanding the balance? Not sure. A minor awakening has happened this last year. Some would call it confidence gained, others? Just more GeWilli delusion. But what I'm hinting at is my blindness to my contribution. Yes that sounds cringingly narcissistic, but don't worry, not a chance it'll change me. Even if it should.  But this balance, this equation. Syl pointed it out one time in an unrelated (but related) discussion on a ride.  It is about personal perspective, about how you feel. But then how you feel may not reflect reality and what needs to change? How you perceive it? because if you have it pretty f'n awesome but perceive otherwise and you change it, man that's gonna suck. Or do you change your perspective and recognize the gifts you've been graced with?

Deep shit here at Introspection Section. Yeah. Taylor Jones and Adam Myerson aren't the only touchy emo assholes in CX. The list is long I think. Nature of the sport and how it developed in the USA.

I've rarely felt so alone as I did during CX nationals. On my own, totally and completely. But contrast with the total and complete support from friends and family that made it possible. Juxtaposition. Dichotomy. that should be my middle name.

But what I got out of the experience I think was worth ever ounce of personal sacrifice. And if i'd started the season sacrificing beer the whole year I might have gotten more out of it. But hey, room for improvement. Or some other super lame justification/rationalization.

I'm delaying writing the list of names, fear of missing someone super important is paralyzing. It would run pages and pages, but I'm going to try and focus in no order on people that my stupid asshole brain lights up as critical to the vision quest (trademarked by fatmarc).

My Wife - she gave up running a 5k a 10k a 1/2 marathon and a full marathon last weekend so I could go to nationals. That was her nationals, she gave me a give so burdened that I was unsure if I was worth it of it, certain I wasn't, but in the end so grateful for her sacrifice that allowed me to find out and discover.

Fatmarc :: VISION QUEST love you man

Negacoach - fuck you asshole, i love you too, and Thank you.

'Stas, IOW Maria Anastasia MacDonald your counsel this fall...  thank you

Alfie, dude, words will never ever be able to express thanks for last week you're the best of the best

Megan, your assurances were enough to overwhelm my anxiety and that's not easy, thank you, and you over-reach the thanks, you're a rock star standing on your own two feet, i was happy to help in the limited capacity, your party was amazing congrats.

breaks right the fuck down now

everyone who bought prints, esp those who overpaid to my extreme embarrassment and total befuddlement, among potential readers: fox, cohen, chabot, kotter, JSL, williams, goldberg, brahmhall....

velocb, that fucking knucklehead, so encouraging and fucking positive, and sooo much needed.

Parsons - i'll never talk the same again

B-Mac, words from NoHo 2014 still cling to my heart, you're a special MoFo

Jared, Griggs, Pipp, Jenn, Kristen, HooptySteve, PaulyB, Pastry, Roti, BellLap, Kurt, Jena, Sickwhat, Myerson, ASG, the other Geoff, Wade, Bret, Meg, Al, Mukunda, Bill, Matt, Larry, fuuuuck this is the hard part...  must keep listing names but new ones come as soon as I pause, but can't list them all...  knowing that I do actually remember, it all (stupid elephant brain) please know that omissions are not deliberate

Those who reached out and broached the uncomfortable barrier and said hey to GeWilli, a special thank you.

So yeah.

I can't do better, I've tried, if I keep pushing it two paths lay ahead, fuck it up even more, or forget it completely, both are worse than this.

Please know that my temporal brain may have forgotten, but my heart never will. I suck at this, and will go back to writing more typical stuff soon.

As soon as I'm not sick anymore. So sick.

Got back, made it a day then my body said ahahahhaahahah FUCK YOU! But i'm better than I was last night, hoping to track similar improvement tomorrow night and be ready to throw down on Tuesday at NBX indoor. Too old to take more than a week off. INTERVALS!

so with that.
thank you,
love you all, so much,

thank you again, and again, and again, and again

heddwch
G