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and started watching this:
Tall Bikes Will Save The World from Red Bull on Vimeo.
And it is good.This morning I had the house to myself. Everyone slept. I drank coffee listening to the rain on the roof. No school, no work, in-laws sleeping in. Just me. Just me and my coffee.
Riding in I was kind of filled with a massive sense of gratitude. Yesterday perhaps was transformative in a way. Absolute frustration, overwhelming emotions, kept in check, mutated and placated.
After a birthday dinner Gramps pulled out his phone, and started playing voicemails he's saved, some as early as 2003. That one in particular, the voice of our 2 year old, talking about the trip to the great TDI GTG in Toronto. Or London or where-ever it was. What struck me was people chipped in and covered part of my family's hotel room. And that catalog of pure unexpected gifts kind of kept rattling through my head. In the shower, and on the ride in, in those rain showers. I focused on these unexpected gifts, like the one in the mail yesterday, or the one that will be coming in the future via belgium, italy, belgium, colorado and finally providence. I've really been blessed.
I've been challenged, I've rarely taken the easy way out, but I'm not perfect, i'd love to say i have no regrets, I do, both in inaction and actions, words said and unsaid. This next week is going to be insane, overwhelming, a chaotic ball of shit to untangle, esp now that I'm adding building a new bike to the mix before traveling to a race. That's also part of it, MDP at the shop called in to the inside rep and got the warranty claim started and processed in one phone call. Small tokens. But deeply appreciated.
I'm not maybe very good at many things, and one is being able to express my gratitude to those who've helped me along this journey.
This path I'm on is pretty much solo. I did my first year sober solo, no support groups, no direct challenge to anything or anyone, no mandated from anyone else. Intrinsic, solo. But never alone.
The handful, four or five who read this - thank you for the emails, the texts, the support and the friendship.
Thank you to those over the year who've kept me going. Going at things solo is a tough way to do it, but I have to remember, I'm never alone. I don't have friends that I've been inseparable with since I was a kid or from any point forward... but I do keep meeting new friends, drifting a bit apart, maybe out of contact but in the few cases, once back in touch or in person the friendship picks up where it left off.
Perhaps thinking about going back to Michigan where I spent what seemed like an eternity, but really less time there than here in New England, I've been wondering what it will be like to see friends there again.
Life is one hell of a strange journey. I did pause the film mid-way to write this. But hey at least my cycling kit is mostly dry now - although my feet are still soaking wet. I should be working some scheduling magic, but writing this pile of nonsense trying to express a ball of emotions and how it went from destructive rage into a Zen Buddha like warmth in 24 hrs felt more important.
perhaps it is reflecting on Mark's death. and his life and spirit that worked here too. I've been thinking about him quite a bit too.
heddwch
G
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