There really is no end to this in sight, no slowing of the terrifying shit happening? Pandemic worsening or not slowing at least, new mutations showing up, rational people refusing to get vaccine, people thinking mask wearing is going to be over when we have the vaccine even tho they refuse to get the vaccine themselves...
and then there's that shit in DC, and the foaming rabid racists rallying around their leader and willing to do whatever it takes and kill as many as need be to preserve what they perceive as the status quo that benefits them... I'm vacillating between emotions, nah not true i go from physically sick and depressed to mildly terrified to sad, there's just a different swirl of shit now and then. My internet friend Bruce in Cali took his last breath yesterday morning. Cancer, caught only last year, was a home in hospice, had been for a few months, slowly ebbing away. He's not in any pain anymore, there's that. And another friend's FIL passed, was healthy less than two weeks ago, caught Sars-Cov2 and also died yesterday.
Probably should take a break from that social service - knowing what is going on from that crowd of voices isn't helping - esp since there's pretty little I can do to help. But, ugh, yeah I know.
I don't know what to write - or say - or watch on TV at night or read or really anything.
I do know I want to ride my mtb but even that is fraught with uncertainty, is the new tire rubbing on the frame phenomenon a sign that the frame is failing? Or something else. How long will it hold up under a heavy singlespeeder riding some techy poundy shit all the time? How do I ride more? When do I ride more. Commuting isn't enough as it is but it is also enough in the same.
I've been wearing the wolvhammer boots commuting this week. Temps in the 20s and well, I'm tired of cold feet. I've made the wrong footwear choice 3 of the last 4 times I've been out on the MTB and I wore the same shoes all 4 times. Might need to actually wear the boots next time.
Oh, right, forgot.
Actually feeling the physical manifestations of an anxiety attack that I haven't felt in years and year. Not gonna do anyone any good if I'm not functional. Not even drinking too much coffee lately. BUT I will say the time off was good, by the end of the couple weeks, in spite of all the stress I was still more relaxed and rested than I feel now. Of course there wasn't all this other stuff happening then.
Again - also feeling very thankful that I'm sober now. I keep starting to write not drinking but that feels negative so i keep backspacing and writing sober instead. Because right about now, there seems no reason not to just start the morning off with a good shot of vodka in the coffee, and following it up all day until it is time to pass out at night... very grateful that i'm sober, but existential internal conflict really wonders still, what's the point. I don't like that voice so I try to lean on the experience of others and keep working and take the lead of having faith in those in a position to keep everything from unraveling.
I guess I've kind of made some progress untying this tangled mess of my head, but still that feeling that it is worse than when I started and thought I had plan and began detangling...
okay - going to find some tedious task to do, or work on cleaning my office some more, getting close to being as clean as it was after getting back to work in December 2013 after the yuletide concerts in that morning marathon cleaning session... driven by a different motivation.
Anything to try and regain some sense of internal control...
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