burried

 and frustrated and overwhelmed

again

smackdown 'group-ride' went off last night with route 2.0

short story, graham got a flat so we waited while he changed it.

1/2 mile later my light bounced off and i stopped to grab it (after a couple trucks ran it over - it still works) and they just kept riding fast. 

I chased, took the salisbury cut off and got onto pine just behind them, got to be there yelling to look back and saw them get a good coal roll from a red pick up truck and I chased, and chased and that was it... kept pushing it, went up Rocky Hill, and didn't do the 'new' safer version (which is 100% bullshit esp with a group that does not ever stop for stop signs) loop and then waited at bit before hillside and didn't see them and said fuck it i'm doing old one alone.

Guess the new route is much quicker than the old one from that point because they all got in front of me again and well, fuck. 

Positives: I got out on the bike, worked my ass off, really hard, legs responded well.

Was reminded that i'm riding a '09 cx bike with the least aero wheels possible, that no matter what I'm doing i'm starting down a peg or two, light falling off, unexpected and a problem to figure out, was just so disheartening to be so close to them and not be able to latch on. 

Legs feeling it this morning, but that could just be from a really shitty night's sleep

I'm just super down, and YEAH I MOTHERFUCKING KNOW 'snap out of it' 'it will pass' but i can't and it isn't and there's just way too fucking much to do and not enough time to do it and it is complicated and I'm tired. Tired of feeling alone and inconsiquential. FEELING analytically I know I'm not but FUCK YOU IT IS HOW I FEEL. And just like everything I'll have to figure it out because no one else does.

It is what I do. It sucks. But it is what I do, so I'll do it. One foot. The next. Make it work. 

Part of it is the fact I can't take the whole week off next week, not sure I'll be able to take any of it off, the only week I can be flexible about days off until the middle of may and motherfuckers moved the install to that week. And no. no. this isn't something i can delegate... 

whatever, going to have some coffee and keep moving - i really shouldn't have paused to write, but kind of hoping it will do what it sometimes does and help me shake it off and rise above the dark clouds.

heddwch
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