I hate twitter sometimes. And I hate people who used to be close friends but would absolutely unequivocally not listen to me about certain things. Kind of like as if I tried to tell them how to do their job that I am no paid to do nor have the level of experience or education they do, but they demonstrate time and time again that they aren't even at amateur level regarding what I try to offer advice about and BOOM,
No matter how I phrase it, how sincerely I direct it.. deaf. fucking. ears.
Yeah yeah "change your tactic GeWilli" dude fuck you. I've changed my tactic a million times over, i've tried it all out. I've read and understood more primary nutrition papers than people who have fancy post grad degrees in nutrition.
But that's beside the point.
A dozen deleted tweets? Maybe?
spurred by this: people are fat because of genetic disorders and chemical imbalances, not too many calories.
and yes, this person's twitter persona is 100% asshole and 98% mean and 95% just trying to get a rise/response. Only saving grace is he's really not such a bad guy.
But he's pretty much 99% wrong. But hey... no one wants to hear about Insulin, or how we're getting close to three generations of really fucked up bad guidelines not based on science but based on lobbing efforts from companies who've profited HUGELY from this advice? Hell... if that advice was scientifically rebutted in the 70s and 80s, we'd have no TCBY, no Aerobics, no Heath clubs, no gyms, no spinning class, and only a few people with legic genetic issues would be fat but they wouldn't be unheathly. But hey, we'd also not have a health care crisis...
But that's all like the deleted tweets. Shane said something about clean eating is her new bone broth trigger. Healthy has always been mine. How is something healthy when it doesn't have any essential fatty acids and is loaded with fruit and sugars (including complex carbs - NO THEY DON'T GET A PASS). AND NO CALORIES ARE NOT CALORIES! DID YOU F'N IGNORE BIOCHEM/PHYSIOLOGY CLASS? "Oh they only taught us about the glycolysis pathway, there are other pathways?"
#SMH
Does anyone really give a shit?
Starve yourself uncomfortably eating high carb shit and maintain weight, or, skip the carbs (sure it might take a fucking month to get of the mental fucking torture your parents waterboarded you with by allowing "sugar sometimes") and use them when you need them, not when you think you need them and not be fat ever, and not be hungry.
But yeah.
Fuck.
That.
chemical imbalances and genetics...
Yes... fucking genetics plays a role. Some people can get by eating lots of sugar (under sugar's umbrella we also find complex carbs because THEY ARE FUCKING SUGAR), genetics FTW.
And well there are enough of them that people who suggest having grain and sugar cereal with milk for breakfast is totally healthy, point to that rare cohort and say, "The only reason you don't look like them is because you don't run enough fat ass." Not that your body is typical of most humans and responds to insulin spikes normally and eating this food no matter how many calories are in the bowl, will make you fatter than you were yesterday unless you mentally torture yourself and ignore your bodies craving for essential fatty acids.
But yeah - whatever that crazy guy has a shitty way of putting it in words. So there for we will categorically tell him that we're going to ignore him because his tone is wrong. I mean lets look at Orange Juice.
fucking Orange juice... soda in disguise.
i gave in an retweeted a bunch of stuff...
but people will get offended, and tune it out and ignore it...
oh well...
#judgmentaldickhead
#toobadiactuallycareaboutotherpeople
#scienceandfactsarestupidandshouldbeignored
#heddwch
G
Friday, March 04, 2016
Wednesday, March 02, 2016
foods
Just 'cause i haven't written about it much doesn't mean I haven't done much cooking, kind of sort of cook all the time every day. Still. Somethings don't change. Although It looks and feels like i may have worn out a letter or two on this computer thing. The H is loosing feeling. Ugh.
Awesome. Oh well maybe i can grab a USB keyboard and extend the life.
Making an old standby. Sure, not old, and not something I make more than 2x a year perhaps. But somehow someone convinced me to buy some Leeks and well... making this http://www.gewilli.com/2014/03/gallois-poireau-potage-parmentier-avec.html
And yes, also have fired up the wood stove to fight the chill tonight. So curling up with a bowl of it will be more or less kind of exactly like it was written up. Although using a bit more bacon this time, make some super quick veggie stock (carrot ends, celery ends, part of an onion - boiling a bit), and used some new/red potatoes instead of the normal gold or russets.
Yes potatoes - all starchy and carby and shit. special occasion and it changes it up, throws a bit of a curveball at the metabolism, keeps it on its toes. Not normal but still pretty damn yummy.
Maybe next time I'll try making Cauliflower Leek Soup with Bacon.
maybe...
or just save the cauliflower for roasting in the oven.
Did the annual re-up of the domain that VT knucklehead punked me with and then awkwardly transfered over a few years... couple years now I've managed to figure out how to renew. This might be the first year I haven't had to reset the password or contact the company i'm giving money to to keep the name in my name and keep this thing going.
But then since I did just dump some cash in their direction I should probably keep up the writing eh? Pretty shitty return on post/dollar in '14. Go figure.
Is there anything left worth saying?
Other than the idea that perhaps the 12 Hundos in July actually seems like actually not such an insane idea. I'll easily have 12 vacation days to burn, I MIGHT beable to find at least 3-4 different people who might want to join on one of those days. But man, 12 different centuries, bigger challenge is how to plan the routes so I'm not super bored. Or just hell throw the whole kitchen sink at it, Plymouth, Elephant Rock, Boston (a couple times), CT, all in RI... all in one county... Heck actually there ya go... do a century in each of RI's counties in that month too to add to it.
Other than the idea that perhaps the 12 Hundos in July actually seems like actually not such an insane idea. I'll easily have 12 vacation days to burn, I MIGHT beable to find at least 3-4 different people who might want to join on one of those days. But man, 12 different centuries, bigger challenge is how to plan the routes so I'm not super bored. Or just hell throw the whole kitchen sink at it, Plymouth, Elephant Rock, Boston (a couple times), CT, all in RI... all in one county... Heck actually there ya go... do a century in each of RI's counties in that month too to add to it.
Yes - it is not quite the same as the Hundo of the Month club, and maybe I'll still manage to join that sooner than later, but that said - I did that, kind of feel like i started it with my once a month rides to boston or where ever, doesn't matter because it is an awesome and worthy achievement even if just a goal to have.
Lots and lots and lots of stuff in the works, probably too much, but then I think that's just how i do it. Too many things at once. Perhaps soon some of this mountain of shit i do will spill over into areas that other people can get something from. Maybe.
Oh well - time to enjoy a bowl of soup next to the woodstove.
heddwch
G
Monday, February 29, 2016
Fight for Air wrapped up....
Cooked done, finished. Over.
Till next year? Perhaps.
Up late friday, slept like crap, up early, coffee, rode in (at least it was a smidge over 20F) rode in.
Pretty decent warm up actually despite the cold. Locked the bike up... Picked up number and chip and totally forgot to get my "goodie bag" and my T-Shirt. Oh well. I may have only worn that one I got last year three times. Def don't need any more T-shirts but still, wonder what other stuff I'd never use I missed out on...
Goal, remember, was to beat last year's time. Last year 2:07 and I totally collapsed half way through, but I passed a couple women who started in front of me (they started immediately behind me this year) and was passed by one or two (who I guess didn't show this year). I was one of the first handful to go off at 30s intervals.
BEEEP and I started running. Rhythm was found very quickly... pretty quickly I started feeling light headed, but not excessively out of breath. A handful more floors later and my legs started being leaden. I never really hit the wall like I did last year, never totally broke down, but I just got slower and slower with each floor until I was pulling myself up with my arms, esp the right arm. It didn't feel very fast, but I was surprised it when it was over.
On the positive side? Within less than a minute my breathing was recovered and i was mostly fine. Legs still hurt but a couple sips of water and I was fine. Last year? Holy shit i was dead for two days. This time? Sure my legs were a touch sore but I was fine. No big deal. Recovered super fast. BUT, ya know what? Climbing stairs kind of isn't as muscularly interchangeable with cycling. It is close, not close enough for a 2 min all out sprint.
BUT given the fact that I nailed the aerobic side... I think maybe all I need to do is actually run some stairs before the event next year (on a regular basis and at a race pace). I didn't do that. Not once. Or not long enough to make a difference. Sure I'm 205+lbs right now and the guys beating me badly are 30-60 pounds lighter at least. Not so insignificant I suppose. At least I'm carrying functional weight, even if a hell of a lot of it.
Best indicator? Day after? Only my right bicep was sore. Pulling my fat ass up when the legs were failing (winner has major guns btw, I think maybe that's not by accident) over used it. But then last year I couldn't walk for a day or two, and I was completely fine the next day? Good signs. Other than I was one second slower than last year.
Slower, by a second, but nearly unphased by it vs totally and completely destroyed by it.
I'll take that as a win. Even if slower one year later. Paul C still kicked my butt and I lost to the winner by 37 or so seconds unofficially. But this is his thing and he's way smaller with huge'r arms. Probably maybe not as good at CX. I hope. Not to say I think I'm any good at that... got my reality check in triplicate in Asheville this year.
I didn't blow up but I found out some good stuff about me and current state...
Sunday was good, today was crazy, but class went well and heading home, holy shit how about that motherfucking sunset?
Check the instagrams and shit... yes I posted three... took 4x that many and very difficult choosing which ones to post and how to only post three.
I take photos with my phone. I don't have a fancy camera, just this ancient old smart phone. But it works, mostly and some of the time. Too slow most of the time but hey. Fitting I guess. That said - i dunno, i just try and capture what I see. Doesn't seem like anything special or different or unique or anything that anyone else can't do. Heck look at Syl's photo from Sunday night. His bike one was off the hook, but that wouldn't have happened if I hand not dragged him back down there... So yes, seeing, knowing, being there and recognizing what to take a photo of is part of it.
Sometimes I wonder what I could capture with a legit rig and what I could do using PS/Lightroom and shit.
But usually I'm just so happy, like tonight, to be on the bike, to be able to pause and capture and move around and get a chance to represent the magnificence of nature around me that I'm riding through, it is enough...
Lecture today... minor detour... nearly 2 hrs later I asked what time it was... whoa... then asked if I should keep talking. Nearly unanimous NO. Not sure when saturation level occured but we covered a shit ton of material and I think hopefully all the continuous pauses and confirmations that it was making sense and explaining again differently if it wasn't got the concepts and ideas across. Maybe I'll toss em a quiz next week to see.
If i have enough time to do that then.
Guest lecturing stupid early tomorrow.
Then insanity continues on a non-stop cycle. Maybe I'll get a break in June. or July. Maybe August. or not...
heddwch
G
Till next year? Perhaps.
Up late friday, slept like crap, up early, coffee, rode in (at least it was a smidge over 20F) rode in.
Pretty decent warm up actually despite the cold. Locked the bike up... Picked up number and chip and totally forgot to get my "goodie bag" and my T-Shirt. Oh well. I may have only worn that one I got last year three times. Def don't need any more T-shirts but still, wonder what other stuff I'd never use I missed out on...
Goal, remember, was to beat last year's time. Last year 2:07 and I totally collapsed half way through, but I passed a couple women who started in front of me (they started immediately behind me this year) and was passed by one or two (who I guess didn't show this year). I was one of the first handful to go off at 30s intervals.
BEEEP and I started running. Rhythm was found very quickly... pretty quickly I started feeling light headed, but not excessively out of breath. A handful more floors later and my legs started being leaden. I never really hit the wall like I did last year, never totally broke down, but I just got slower and slower with each floor until I was pulling myself up with my arms, esp the right arm. It didn't feel very fast, but I was surprised it when it was over.
On the positive side? Within less than a minute my breathing was recovered and i was mostly fine. Legs still hurt but a couple sips of water and I was fine. Last year? Holy shit i was dead for two days. This time? Sure my legs were a touch sore but I was fine. No big deal. Recovered super fast. BUT, ya know what? Climbing stairs kind of isn't as muscularly interchangeable with cycling. It is close, not close enough for a 2 min all out sprint.
BUT given the fact that I nailed the aerobic side... I think maybe all I need to do is actually run some stairs before the event next year (on a regular basis and at a race pace). I didn't do that. Not once. Or not long enough to make a difference. Sure I'm 205+lbs right now and the guys beating me badly are 30-60 pounds lighter at least. Not so insignificant I suppose. At least I'm carrying functional weight, even if a hell of a lot of it.
Best indicator? Day after? Only my right bicep was sore. Pulling my fat ass up when the legs were failing (winner has major guns btw, I think maybe that's not by accident) over used it. But then last year I couldn't walk for a day or two, and I was completely fine the next day? Good signs. Other than I was one second slower than last year.
Slower, by a second, but nearly unphased by it vs totally and completely destroyed by it.
I'll take that as a win. Even if slower one year later. Paul C still kicked my butt and I lost to the winner by 37 or so seconds unofficially. But this is his thing and he's way smaller with huge'r arms. Probably maybe not as good at CX. I hope. Not to say I think I'm any good at that... got my reality check in triplicate in Asheville this year.
I didn't blow up but I found out some good stuff about me and current state...
Sunday was good, today was crazy, but class went well and heading home, holy shit how about that motherfucking sunset?
Check the instagrams and shit... yes I posted three... took 4x that many and very difficult choosing which ones to post and how to only post three.
I take photos with my phone. I don't have a fancy camera, just this ancient old smart phone. But it works, mostly and some of the time. Too slow most of the time but hey. Fitting I guess. That said - i dunno, i just try and capture what I see. Doesn't seem like anything special or different or unique or anything that anyone else can't do. Heck look at Syl's photo from Sunday night. His bike one was off the hook, but that wouldn't have happened if I hand not dragged him back down there... So yes, seeing, knowing, being there and recognizing what to take a photo of is part of it.
Sometimes I wonder what I could capture with a legit rig and what I could do using PS/Lightroom and shit.
But usually I'm just so happy, like tonight, to be on the bike, to be able to pause and capture and move around and get a chance to represent the magnificence of nature around me that I'm riding through, it is enough...
Lecture today... minor detour... nearly 2 hrs later I asked what time it was... whoa... then asked if I should keep talking. Nearly unanimous NO. Not sure when saturation level occured but we covered a shit ton of material and I think hopefully all the continuous pauses and confirmations that it was making sense and explaining again differently if it wasn't got the concepts and ideas across. Maybe I'll toss em a quiz next week to see.
If i have enough time to do that then.
Guest lecturing stupid early tomorrow.
Then insanity continues on a non-stop cycle. Maybe I'll get a break in June. or July. Maybe August. or not...
heddwch
G
Friday, February 26, 2016
Moule a la Biere GeWilli Style
I don't make them here, often, actually never.
I've ordered them at Red Stripe (always good)...
had them in other places, but at home never have made them.
Why? E doesn't like them, the girls haven't really taken to them when I've gotten them. But hey, Shaws had em on crazy sale for Friday's (fish/lent/whatever). I floated the idea and everyone said "PIZZA" fine call in the pizza i'll leave early and get some mussels and stuff from shaw's grab some beer then the pizza.
Yeah I opted for the Moule a la Biere vs the wine or champagne or whatever else...
Got home, rinsed and washed, one crushed one open... down two... NBD pretty good odds so far.
Diced up two strips of bacon, crisped them up added some olive oil and a bit of dried basil. Cooked then added some garlic cloves (pressed into) and one mushroom finely diced (only had one mushroom) and then once fragrant, then most of a bottle of Newport Storm Amber Ale (can't use ganset to cook PEI mussels)
Once the beer was simmering then popped in the mussels, covered and cooked for 2 min. Stirred, cooked for 3 min. All done. Put the mussels into two preheated bowls, and added some butter and dijon to the beer, whisked and reduced... (there was some salt added at some point).
Took sauce out and instead of pouring over the mussels i put it into its own bowl.
Time to eat. The girls had a handful, a couple maybe, K was neutral on them, L liked them but had enough after eating one with a full belly of stuff. I shelled the rest into the broth, grabbed a couple bits of toast and finished them off.
No complaints.
Thinking, hey maybe they'll help tomorrow in the fight for air stair climb. But will it? maybe not. I'll counter all the benefits from the beer probably. or not. We'll see.
Despite the temps I'm still planning on riding in tomorrow, gonna be early but going with the old man knowledge that any warm up is better than no warm up.
Also MOULE
and Myette's awesome curation of the best of the best of the DRW. Beer, Mussels, Hockey, fire in the woodstove. A shit ass week, stress to the max but also, such amazing interactions with pretty freaking incredible kids. So that's kind of a nice little bit of lift.
Still, at some point playing through the weekend I realized I have left the text and notes and everything to write lecture, and more importantly the quiz, in the office... so i have to go back. Whoops. Or not. Maybe I can push it out w/o based on 20+ years of doing this shit. Also... talking about remembering shit too late, I almost forgot to take the non-race shoes but non-winter shoes off of the wood stove (out of dog's mouth reach) before it got warm. So at least I didn't melt a pair of shoes tonight (so far).
The start list has Paul C, 2nd or 3rd.... I'm ranked 5th. Set to head up the stairs with 30 sec gap at 8:32:00am. I haven't tested the stair climb yet this year... but i've also been pedaling more with intensity at least once a week. It will be what it is... a challenge... maybe I won't get passed this year. Maybe I won't suck as much as I did last year. But then, well, my sucking was still top 20. No where near as talented as the Fox who's crushing the running shit, but I just hope the stair climb is in my legs for tomorrow. assuming i remember to set an alarm in time to get dressed and ride in.
Okay not to Negacoach's complaint on twitter today... the disconnect mentioned here was serious but the odd thing was I didn't do anything other than delete a few replies during that span...
And When I say that the gap in instagram shots posted should be notable... i haven't gone this long w/o posting one there... since??? who knows? seriously. Odd. But indicative. Yes there were a good number of times riding in when I thought "HOLY SHIT THATS AWESOME I NEED TO TAKE PICTURE" but other part of brain said "You're already late you fucking depressed tired knucklehead, keep pedaling" and that slave driving brain pushed me to keep pedaling. Retrospect reality brain? I'm already late, who the fuck cares if i am a few more minutes late because I captured some super fucking amazing fog rising off the water photo.... and yes cue the negative feedback loop. Somepeople have one of those things with food. I have one with actions. "why didn't i?" "wouldn't have mattered" but some how my annoying brain is wired to attempt to do the right thing, to make sure i'm helping others, well before myself.
Could be from the handful of times being left and forgotten at the bus stop. No big deal other than the bus stop was 7 miles from home and I walked most of it far too many times.
I'm not sure it is possible to describe stuff like that here. The back story, so complex, why? Why is the bus stop that far from home, who lets a kid off in the middle of nowhere and just leaves them there. Formative right?
Is it bad that each walk is absolutely vivid in my memory?
At least it wasn't raining.
While I was walking.
Everyone has their stories growing up... but the older you get the more you realize the only people who have stories as crazy as you are your brother's sometimes... sure plenty have more tragic, more struggling ones.. but abject crazy unbelievable shit? Yeah, the Williams' brothers my have a patent on this shit. NO of course we don't but man it feels like it sometimes.
This week has sucked. It has also been awesome. I've had no sleep because of a sick wife and some storm scared dogs, tired and over extended, but finally... it is after 9pm on a Friday and I have a few seconds to myself, even though I should be doing dishes and cleaning up from making the super yummy mussels (they are mostly cleaned up- not much left to do i would just rather not than do it, at least right now).
There is a lot I want to say... so much... but feel that even though like that quote post says people's interactions determine the story you tell of them... and even with a long history of positive supportive shit... it really doesn't take much of a betrayal to destroy all that emotional equity, esp when betrayal is totally and 100% publicly backing up someone else...with 180 counter to you.
If I wasn't just talking to myself I'm sure someone could elicit some decently juicy shit out of me right now... probably better that I'm alone.
The DRW tangent was awesome and much needed, without that and the moules who the fuck knows what i might have said tonight....
Tomorrow's gonna suck.... and monday is going to kill me...
but that's probably going to replay.. on repeat, until may... with the exception that this may be the only saturday that will kick my physical ass...
despite feeling more engaged and directed than in a long time... I feel actually more adrive and aimless and wondering WTF more than ever... asking 'why' too much....
It isn't good... although trying to stay positive because that's what 'Stas would want, it is near on impossible to do so lately. at least w/o any intelligent external push that I have to reconcile with like I did this fall.
life, what a cluster,
heddwch
G
I've ordered them at Red Stripe (always good)...
had them in other places, but at home never have made them.
Why? E doesn't like them, the girls haven't really taken to them when I've gotten them. But hey, Shaws had em on crazy sale for Friday's (fish/lent/whatever). I floated the idea and everyone said "PIZZA" fine call in the pizza i'll leave early and get some mussels and stuff from shaw's grab some beer then the pizza.
Yeah I opted for the Moule a la Biere vs the wine or champagne or whatever else...
Got home, rinsed and washed, one crushed one open... down two... NBD pretty good odds so far.
Diced up two strips of bacon, crisped them up added some olive oil and a bit of dried basil. Cooked then added some garlic cloves (pressed into) and one mushroom finely diced (only had one mushroom) and then once fragrant, then most of a bottle of Newport Storm Amber Ale (can't use ganset to cook PEI mussels)
Once the beer was simmering then popped in the mussels, covered and cooked for 2 min. Stirred, cooked for 3 min. All done. Put the mussels into two preheated bowls, and added some butter and dijon to the beer, whisked and reduced... (there was some salt added at some point).
Took sauce out and instead of pouring over the mussels i put it into its own bowl.
Time to eat. The girls had a handful, a couple maybe, K was neutral on them, L liked them but had enough after eating one with a full belly of stuff. I shelled the rest into the broth, grabbed a couple bits of toast and finished them off.
No complaints.
Thinking, hey maybe they'll help tomorrow in the fight for air stair climb. But will it? maybe not. I'll counter all the benefits from the beer probably. or not. We'll see.
Despite the temps I'm still planning on riding in tomorrow, gonna be early but going with the old man knowledge that any warm up is better than no warm up.
Also MOULE
and Myette's awesome curation of the best of the best of the DRW. Beer, Mussels, Hockey, fire in the woodstove. A shit ass week, stress to the max but also, such amazing interactions with pretty freaking incredible kids. So that's kind of a nice little bit of lift.
Still, at some point playing through the weekend I realized I have left the text and notes and everything to write lecture, and more importantly the quiz, in the office... so i have to go back. Whoops. Or not. Maybe I can push it out w/o based on 20+ years of doing this shit. Also... talking about remembering shit too late, I almost forgot to take the non-race shoes but non-winter shoes off of the wood stove (out of dog's mouth reach) before it got warm. So at least I didn't melt a pair of shoes tonight (so far).
The start list has Paul C, 2nd or 3rd.... I'm ranked 5th. Set to head up the stairs with 30 sec gap at 8:32:00am. I haven't tested the stair climb yet this year... but i've also been pedaling more with intensity at least once a week. It will be what it is... a challenge... maybe I won't get passed this year. Maybe I won't suck as much as I did last year. But then, well, my sucking was still top 20. No where near as talented as the Fox who's crushing the running shit, but I just hope the stair climb is in my legs for tomorrow. assuming i remember to set an alarm in time to get dressed and ride in.
Okay not to Negacoach's complaint on twitter today... the disconnect mentioned here was serious but the odd thing was I didn't do anything other than delete a few replies during that span...
And When I say that the gap in instagram shots posted should be notable... i haven't gone this long w/o posting one there... since??? who knows? seriously. Odd. But indicative. Yes there were a good number of times riding in when I thought "HOLY SHIT THATS AWESOME I NEED TO TAKE PICTURE" but other part of brain said "You're already late you fucking depressed tired knucklehead, keep pedaling" and that slave driving brain pushed me to keep pedaling. Retrospect reality brain? I'm already late, who the fuck cares if i am a few more minutes late because I captured some super fucking amazing fog rising off the water photo.... and yes cue the negative feedback loop. Somepeople have one of those things with food. I have one with actions. "why didn't i?" "wouldn't have mattered" but some how my annoying brain is wired to attempt to do the right thing, to make sure i'm helping others, well before myself.
Could be from the handful of times being left and forgotten at the bus stop. No big deal other than the bus stop was 7 miles from home and I walked most of it far too many times.
I'm not sure it is possible to describe stuff like that here. The back story, so complex, why? Why is the bus stop that far from home, who lets a kid off in the middle of nowhere and just leaves them there. Formative right?
Is it bad that each walk is absolutely vivid in my memory?
At least it wasn't raining.
While I was walking.
Everyone has their stories growing up... but the older you get the more you realize the only people who have stories as crazy as you are your brother's sometimes... sure plenty have more tragic, more struggling ones.. but abject crazy unbelievable shit? Yeah, the Williams' brothers my have a patent on this shit. NO of course we don't but man it feels like it sometimes.
This week has sucked. It has also been awesome. I've had no sleep because of a sick wife and some storm scared dogs, tired and over extended, but finally... it is after 9pm on a Friday and I have a few seconds to myself, even though I should be doing dishes and cleaning up from making the super yummy mussels (they are mostly cleaned up- not much left to do i would just rather not than do it, at least right now).
There is a lot I want to say... so much... but feel that even though like that quote post says people's interactions determine the story you tell of them... and even with a long history of positive supportive shit... it really doesn't take much of a betrayal to destroy all that emotional equity, esp when betrayal is totally and 100% publicly backing up someone else...with 180 counter to you.
If I wasn't just talking to myself I'm sure someone could elicit some decently juicy shit out of me right now... probably better that I'm alone.
The DRW tangent was awesome and much needed, without that and the moules who the fuck knows what i might have said tonight....
Tomorrow's gonna suck.... and monday is going to kill me...
but that's probably going to replay.. on repeat, until may... with the exception that this may be the only saturday that will kick my physical ass...
despite feeling more engaged and directed than in a long time... I feel actually more adrive and aimless and wondering WTF more than ever... asking 'why' too much....
It isn't good... although trying to stay positive because that's what 'Stas would want, it is near on impossible to do so lately. at least w/o any intelligent external push that I have to reconcile with like I did this fall.
life, what a cluster,
heddwch
G
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
finish line
yup, timing was all perfect...
it worked out... worked out with time enough to be told my dead friend's name for a ride is offensive and aggro, so that's always fun. Wish cancer wasn't so brutal, then he'd be here to find some magical happy way to fix the situation.
So many hot points, all of them i suppose, the observations of the massive disfunction of the RI cycling scene. We've got club riders, we've got races, we've got it all, even an excessive dose of stravaholes. It is just that we don't have enough of any of them to create enough cross over for success and mutual benefit.
depressing actually... but whatever, i'm not supposed to think about others, just supposed to do what's best for me, right?
I will say this, i love each an every one of the knuckleheads on our little club. We're all over worked, over committed, but we share a hell of a lot in common, most of which is the love and respect for riding. A respect for going fast, a respect for when it is time to go slow, a respect for riding with someone just to ride with them and for no other reason. Hard to explain actually.
Before next tuesday i think i will have to explain and clarify what the word Smackdown means in context with #PVDvelo, Brown Cycling and RISD. A good number of people get it but if you didn't ride with Mark Nicholson and don't know why we have MLFN on the sleeves of our kit... then maybe I need to spend time crafting the words to tell his story and describe his vision for the Smackdown ride. Easy to carry out, hard to convey full intentions.
I think this is says it best. And for me, when someone on a ride says "Sorry i'm slow" I always auto-respond as if they said thank you for waiting... but that's me... i'm a fucked up nutcase with a healthy dose of sarcasm.
here's the link...
I miss Mark Nicholson pretty much every single day, maybe not quite but every little thing that reminds me of him, if not daily at least a good number of times a week, are reminders of what is possible. The puzzle is intricate and bewildering to me, how do I do it like he did? is usually the response in my head...
He's this unobtainable goal... this angel who walked among mortals for a time. A time much too brief.
We've got but one life to live.
what do we do with it?
heddwch
G
it worked out... worked out with time enough to be told my dead friend's name for a ride is offensive and aggro, so that's always fun. Wish cancer wasn't so brutal, then he'd be here to find some magical happy way to fix the situation.
So many hot points, all of them i suppose, the observations of the massive disfunction of the RI cycling scene. We've got club riders, we've got races, we've got it all, even an excessive dose of stravaholes. It is just that we don't have enough of any of them to create enough cross over for success and mutual benefit.
depressing actually... but whatever, i'm not supposed to think about others, just supposed to do what's best for me, right?
I will say this, i love each an every one of the knuckleheads on our little club. We're all over worked, over committed, but we share a hell of a lot in common, most of which is the love and respect for riding. A respect for going fast, a respect for when it is time to go slow, a respect for riding with someone just to ride with them and for no other reason. Hard to explain actually.
Before next tuesday i think i will have to explain and clarify what the word Smackdown means in context with #PVDvelo, Brown Cycling and RISD. A good number of people get it but if you didn't ride with Mark Nicholson and don't know why we have MLFN on the sleeves of our kit... then maybe I need to spend time crafting the words to tell his story and describe his vision for the Smackdown ride. Easy to carry out, hard to convey full intentions.
I think this is says it best. And for me, when someone on a ride says "Sorry i'm slow" I always auto-respond as if they said thank you for waiting... but that's me... i'm a fucked up nutcase with a healthy dose of sarcasm.
here's the link...
I miss Mark Nicholson pretty much every single day, maybe not quite but every little thing that reminds me of him, if not daily at least a good number of times a week, are reminders of what is possible. The puzzle is intricate and bewildering to me, how do I do it like he did? is usually the response in my head...
He's this unobtainable goal... this angel who walked among mortals for a time. A time much too brief.
We've got but one life to live.
what do we do with it?
heddwch
G
stopwatch starts now
Yeah - so i should be getting changed and shopping but i'm writing.
I checked the radar at work, saw a break but rain coming and then the big line of storms on their way. Rapid prep and out the door.
Hit it hard, took it easy for a second then once on the path time to crank it out. Found a rhythm. It hurt but the level of effort needed to turn those stupid heavy wheels over in the calm air was tough but not so bad. Push it. Keep it going. And I did. One of the shortest rides home, probably the shortest without a tailwind. It went from wet fog, through the dozen words for the rain until we got to light rain when I got home. I hosed the bike off, dried the chain and re-lubed it and got it inside just as the heavier rain (no words for heavy rain in Seattle - there isn't ever any). Hit. Timed it perfectly. Legs felt kind of not bad. Reminding me of how much I better I do power wise in the rain for some reason, it was perfect. 47F or so and rainy. Could have probably kept going for a LONG time at that effort level even though I was breathing heavily. But still wasn't going hard enough to be able to employ the Obree breathing method. I sort of half wonder if today's sensations were due to the weekly indoor intervals. Last nights certainly hurt, and I slept like crap mostly because someone else wasn't sleeping well but not entirely their fault. But fueling was better today and it was a decently good day.
But so yeah, I won the race of the weather (although I'm still soaking wet from standing water) but now time to race to the store, get a few ingredients, get it prepped and then starting to cook and to a resting point in time to hop in the car and race into the city and back then finished.
Yes, I'm making the challenge a legit challenge by writing. But man I want my feet to dry off before i put dry socks on and normal clothes to head out, no even GeWilli isn't going to load up in the rain and ride over at this point, need to get too much stuff and trailer cover is not waterproof enough anymore for incliment weather shopping trips.
Found some dude's blog called dicks in spandex... made me laugh, the entry from way back. Some things never change.
Although I certainly have, but at least some of the shit i was railing about is now almost not even controversial. So there's that. You can make fun of me for pointing shit out or you can listen. No I haven't been right on everything, but if were going to make a trend line well... who knows. Stats are dumb.
Also - Rode in with MJ this morning, he said he'd donate $15 if I beat my time from last year on the Fight for Air Stair Climb, and $10 if I didn't. Got me thinking maybe should do one more round of fundraising like that... add some fiscal pressure? Although, if feels not great asking for money to be donated, even though this cause is way better than many other charities and fundraising organizations. It is good, but can't shake the conflicted feeling.
Okay totally digging a hole. I've got an hour to get ingredients, get it started and cooking before jumping into the car.
We'll see what happens.
or not...
heddwch
G
I checked the radar at work, saw a break but rain coming and then the big line of storms on their way. Rapid prep and out the door.
Hit it hard, took it easy for a second then once on the path time to crank it out. Found a rhythm. It hurt but the level of effort needed to turn those stupid heavy wheels over in the calm air was tough but not so bad. Push it. Keep it going. And I did. One of the shortest rides home, probably the shortest without a tailwind. It went from wet fog, through the dozen words for the rain until we got to light rain when I got home. I hosed the bike off, dried the chain and re-lubed it and got it inside just as the heavier rain (no words for heavy rain in Seattle - there isn't ever any). Hit. Timed it perfectly. Legs felt kind of not bad. Reminding me of how much I better I do power wise in the rain for some reason, it was perfect. 47F or so and rainy. Could have probably kept going for a LONG time at that effort level even though I was breathing heavily. But still wasn't going hard enough to be able to employ the Obree breathing method. I sort of half wonder if today's sensations were due to the weekly indoor intervals. Last nights certainly hurt, and I slept like crap mostly because someone else wasn't sleeping well but not entirely their fault. But fueling was better today and it was a decently good day.
But so yeah, I won the race of the weather (although I'm still soaking wet from standing water) but now time to race to the store, get a few ingredients, get it prepped and then starting to cook and to a resting point in time to hop in the car and race into the city and back then finished.
Yes, I'm making the challenge a legit challenge by writing. But man I want my feet to dry off before i put dry socks on and normal clothes to head out, no even GeWilli isn't going to load up in the rain and ride over at this point, need to get too much stuff and trailer cover is not waterproof enough anymore for incliment weather shopping trips.
Found some dude's blog called dicks in spandex... made me laugh, the entry from way back. Some things never change.
Although I certainly have, but at least some of the shit i was railing about is now almost not even controversial. So there's that. You can make fun of me for pointing shit out or you can listen. No I haven't been right on everything, but if were going to make a trend line well... who knows. Stats are dumb.
Also - Rode in with MJ this morning, he said he'd donate $15 if I beat my time from last year on the Fight for Air Stair Climb, and $10 if I didn't. Got me thinking maybe should do one more round of fundraising like that... add some fiscal pressure? Although, if feels not great asking for money to be donated, even though this cause is way better than many other charities and fundraising organizations. It is good, but can't shake the conflicted feeling.
Okay totally digging a hole. I've got an hour to get ingredients, get it started and cooking before jumping into the car.
We'll see what happens.
or not...
heddwch
G
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Time to unplug even more?
I've done a pretty complete job of avoiding mainstream media. I'll dig into a story i hear about in many places, Vice AJ CNN where ever.. but i don't go to news sites to see what they are deciding to make a headline or choose to talk about on that particular day.
I have an opinion about this election, I'd love to try and point out how illogical and wrong some people's positions are and their ideas of how shit works and what could be and what is and all that, suggesting that liberalism is what drove the costs to move git mo prisoners through the roof is pretty farcical and a lie but hey, that person probably believes it and sadly, more critically has FAITH in it.
People have FAITH that Sanders can't win and as such write him off... Faith, not just the religious point of view, is coming to for more and more, and it is seeping into every social network and faith based opinions are being dished out left and right, on the right and center because the left have long given up and just tried to do good in this land of fuck you. Heck, reality shows promote "Take care of yourself, think about yourself, stop thinking about others and take care of the most important person." That's kind of a solid fuck you attitude right there.
Competitive athletes have to think about themselves, unless they are in a team sport, and then they have to rely on others. But then take Football, the most team dependant sport, yet if one egotistical star that the media and fans gravitate to does well, why? Well because the rest of the motherfuckers on the team did their job better than the other team. Individual sport athletes have to think of themselves, they are constantly competing against other people. But then when the stakes are higher, suddenly there's more rampant cheating, PEDs, whatever you can do to get a leg up and beat the next guy. And then there's the price to pay for that all. Who pays the price? depends.
Didn't intend that direction.
Thoughts were simply to start down the road of suggesting that maybe... pulling back, disconnecting even more from the social medias is in order and necessary at least until after the conventions, if not forever.
I've got ideas, some hairbrained but fewer and fewer and most of them I can articulate and provide massive piles of words/data/info to back up... but i'm also pretty self aware that no one really listens, or if they do, i don't know about it and there's not much difference.
Is it worse than the whole Orange Juice and Skim Milk? Probably maybe actually not. Is it as painful? Yes.
More than ever it feels Vox Clamantis in Deserto
Didn't intend that direction.
Thoughts were simply to start down the road of suggesting that maybe... pulling back, disconnecting even more from the social medias is in order and necessary at least until after the conventions, if not forever.
I've got ideas, some hairbrained but fewer and fewer and most of them I can articulate and provide massive piles of words/data/info to back up... but i'm also pretty self aware that no one really listens, or if they do, i don't know about it and there's not much difference.
Is it worse than the whole Orange Juice and Skim Milk? Probably maybe actually not. Is it as painful? Yes.
More than ever it feels Vox Clamantis in Deserto
But then I'm not going to stop being me, doing what I do, all of it.
And maybe that's enough... but also maybe it is better to pull out and away from some things...
but that's the feelings i suppose - half stirred and tweaked intentionally i'm sure, i've always been susceptible to that much to the delight of many.
I kicked my ass tonight... it hurt, my legs feel properly shredded. time to focus on recovery, deal with the crazy the rest of the week has to offer then the insane weekend, and START ALL OVER AGAIN ON MONDAY... burnout seems much closer with this schedule. Heck I was in bed for almost 12 hours saturday night, didn't sleep all of it but that was downtime and i needed it and it still wasn't enough. Bad sign for only Feb.
We'll see what happens eh? Maybe time to avoid certain things for a while... a vacation from some things maybe even though when those things are good they are a vacation in a way...
cryptic? perhaps... but necessarily so
heddwch
G
And maybe that's enough... but also maybe it is better to pull out and away from some things...
but that's the feelings i suppose - half stirred and tweaked intentionally i'm sure, i've always been susceptible to that much to the delight of many.
I kicked my ass tonight... it hurt, my legs feel properly shredded. time to focus on recovery, deal with the crazy the rest of the week has to offer then the insane weekend, and START ALL OVER AGAIN ON MONDAY... burnout seems much closer with this schedule. Heck I was in bed for almost 12 hours saturday night, didn't sleep all of it but that was downtime and i needed it and it still wasn't enough. Bad sign for only Feb.
We'll see what happens eh? Maybe time to avoid certain things for a while... a vacation from some things maybe even though when those things are good they are a vacation in a way...
cryptic? perhaps... but necessarily so
heddwch
G
i'll figure it out
but probably not for a while.
I did manage to have coffee here today. That's good.
I didn't manage to stretch the pot out all day. It was gone an hour ago.
I did push lunch back until i finished writing that last post.
I didn't manage to satiate my hunger though, still hungry. Should have brought more food to work.
I am curious to see how the the lack of coffee from 1:45-2 will impact the indoor trainer class tonight that I'm leading, going to be a tie between that and the lower food levels today. Hell I even had a breakfast sandwich (double egg, salami, lots of cheese and radish greens). Slept last night but still just wanted to stay in bed this morning.
Drove because I have kid shuttle duty today so E can go to a party. Drive carpool, race home, cook dinner, jump back in car, race back in town, lead indoor trainer class (y'all are welcome: 212 4th street set up at 6pm finished at 7:30pm ride at your own pace follow or don't follow the workout at your discretion). Then bring kid home and get her fed, and me fed and then attempt to sleep, and repeat all over again. I wonder how sleep deprivation impacts a 2 minute all out stair climb effort? Probably going to ride there even if the weather is cold, last year riding in was kind of crazy w/o bike path and no place to lock with every rack buried under a mountain of snow, the ride is more just to get some sort of a warm up in before the stair climb, at least more than last year.
Need some sort of direction/plan... But maybe there's enough momentum to keep me going, certainly isn't any time for much else or anything extra right now.
Ah life eh?
Time to start the non-stop rushing around, at least I have the flexibility here to make stuff like this happen for everyone else. Totally grateful for that.
heddwch
G
I did manage to have coffee here today. That's good.
I didn't manage to stretch the pot out all day. It was gone an hour ago.
I did push lunch back until i finished writing that last post.
I didn't manage to satiate my hunger though, still hungry. Should have brought more food to work.
I am curious to see how the the lack of coffee from 1:45-2 will impact the indoor trainer class tonight that I'm leading, going to be a tie between that and the lower food levels today. Hell I even had a breakfast sandwich (double egg, salami, lots of cheese and radish greens). Slept last night but still just wanted to stay in bed this morning.
Drove because I have kid shuttle duty today so E can go to a party. Drive carpool, race home, cook dinner, jump back in car, race back in town, lead indoor trainer class (y'all are welcome: 212 4th street set up at 6pm finished at 7:30pm ride at your own pace follow or don't follow the workout at your discretion). Then bring kid home and get her fed, and me fed and then attempt to sleep, and repeat all over again. I wonder how sleep deprivation impacts a 2 minute all out stair climb effort? Probably going to ride there even if the weather is cold, last year riding in was kind of crazy w/o bike path and no place to lock with every rack buried under a mountain of snow, the ride is more just to get some sort of a warm up in before the stair climb, at least more than last year.
Need some sort of direction/plan... But maybe there's enough momentum to keep me going, certainly isn't any time for much else or anything extra right now.
Ah life eh?
Time to start the non-stop rushing around, at least I have the flexibility here to make stuff like this happen for everyone else. Totally grateful for that.
heddwch
G
where does that line get drawn?
Saw this, it got me to pause and think a bit. Maybe it is because I haven't had lunch, have been sitting talking in a dark room helping people understand how to use a confocal for three hours, and I see this first thing...
but this gave me pause...
As in, this is true I suppose, why gloss over the stories of how you were hurt by others?
Unless maybe you are trying to leave it behind, or are waiting it out, waiting for the story to move into the history pages not the current events, waiting for the emotional filter to lift so you can tell that story with better perspective? But then, isn't that filter true for the time and perhaps once it has been removed the story changes? Perhaps...
But hey, that's just some random typewriter-esque quote that gets people thinking. Yes, how you interact with people will shape how they tell stories of you and your interaction. This is an awesome quote in that you can see it in so many ways. Probably obvious eh? The literal one suggesting not to hold back the stories that may strike a blow to someone character because they were not very nice to you, or maybe to think about being nice to everyone so they can't write mean nasty stories about you. But then what seems to be something you to do protect someone else, or be nice to them or do what you think is best for them can just not be, can be the opposite or can be lost in translation, painful memories only due to lack of clear communication, lack of sharing your story.
science is changing, that Telescope documentary highlights it quite well. Deliberately I suppose. Small anecdote would be Einstein changing his theory based on what Hubble discovered. New informtation should be able to change an opinion objectively, even in subjective and sensitive matters, no? It should. But it doesn't always.
But science... who said this? Who to attribute the quote to:
but this gave me pause...
Unless maybe you are trying to leave it behind, or are waiting it out, waiting for the story to move into the history pages not the current events, waiting for the emotional filter to lift so you can tell that story with better perspective? But then, isn't that filter true for the time and perhaps once it has been removed the story changes? Perhaps...
But hey, that's just some random typewriter-esque quote that gets people thinking. Yes, how you interact with people will shape how they tell stories of you and your interaction. This is an awesome quote in that you can see it in so many ways. Probably obvious eh? The literal one suggesting not to hold back the stories that may strike a blow to someone character because they were not very nice to you, or maybe to think about being nice to everyone so they can't write mean nasty stories about you. But then what seems to be something you to do protect someone else, or be nice to them or do what you think is best for them can just not be, can be the opposite or can be lost in translation, painful memories only due to lack of clear communication, lack of sharing your story.
science is changing, that Telescope documentary highlights it quite well. Deliberately I suppose. Small anecdote would be Einstein changing his theory based on what Hubble discovered. New informtation should be able to change an opinion objectively, even in subjective and sensitive matters, no? It should. But it doesn't always.
But science... who said this? Who to attribute the quote to:
Monday, February 22, 2016
Telescopes and Microscopes and ... bikes? wut?
My first cousin once removed is a documentary film maker. Maybe you saw his nominated film about Louis Kahn... My Architect. He's done a few other since, latest was broadcast on Discovery channel this weekend.
No cable here, so tonight I dug around on the internet and if I wasn't on a chrome book may have exposed the whole soul of the computer to the prying minds of the bazillion links ghostery was finding.
And yes. I watched a bootleg version of something someone in my family made. Wee. Fucking internet! YEAH!
Kind of. Feels less than good but good to watch it. Also very interesting from a perspective as one who looks at the smallest shit here on earth. The other end of the visual spectrum. Our challenges are the same, the scale is just so different. Also... the perspectives and motivation seem to be at absolute polar odds in many ways.
Looking for, obviously scientifically and objectively, that one perfect goldilocks planet, vs searching out and just documenting what is there. But that's in my head. I do little science now, I use the microscopes, I teach people how to use them, I fix them, I understand them... But i don't build them with a specific purpose, I use the the ones I have. I'm not creating something to do something that hasn't been done, and yes... while these film makers and story tellers like to expand on this notion of excitement that drives astronomers, and yes that gets misconstrued as unbridled enthusiasm driving the research to one end (finding life) it ignores the mundane grounding these people have... a slight that may be more egregious than realized. But one for much debate I suppose.
Setbacks and realizations, a goal much desired is probably out of reach and incompatible with current path, or challenges are there to be broken through and made to be overcome. Not sure if I have the energy to overcome them at the same time as everything else.
Kind of serves me right for having a glimmer of hope for something I really want, for me... ya'd think at some point i'd learn.
No very much not positive talk direction. Need to change the course and fix that...
Bikes... felt good on the bike outside yesterday. Never out of control, never at a limit, but then first time riding outside with people who aren't pro's (Jared) or kids or pro masters (45-49 age group at Nationals).
Very odd head space at the moment. I can step back out of myself and see that i'm at a tipping point. Sort of in control of the direction i'll fall, but in other ways completely so who gives a shit that i may not have the mental strength to make sure the next line i follow is the right one....
I guess the only think I can keep doing is what I'm doing.
the words are gone... no more to be found tonight... no path but despair right now and I don't want to go down that, and just talking about it is enough to create an unstoppable avalanche. So... that's that... I should really write about the ride yesterday, the good times, the laughs, the fun, the stress, the planning and the future.
tough though... focus is drifting too much to make that happen...
perhaps tomorrow at lunch...
or not...
indoor smackdown tomorrow night set up at 6pm... finished at 7:30pm 212 4th street PVD.
heddwch
G
No cable here, so tonight I dug around on the internet and if I wasn't on a chrome book may have exposed the whole soul of the computer to the prying minds of the bazillion links ghostery was finding.
And yes. I watched a bootleg version of something someone in my family made. Wee. Fucking internet! YEAH!
Kind of. Feels less than good but good to watch it. Also very interesting from a perspective as one who looks at the smallest shit here on earth. The other end of the visual spectrum. Our challenges are the same, the scale is just so different. Also... the perspectives and motivation seem to be at absolute polar odds in many ways.
Looking for, obviously scientifically and objectively, that one perfect goldilocks planet, vs searching out and just documenting what is there. But that's in my head. I do little science now, I use the microscopes, I teach people how to use them, I fix them, I understand them... But i don't build them with a specific purpose, I use the the ones I have. I'm not creating something to do something that hasn't been done, and yes... while these film makers and story tellers like to expand on this notion of excitement that drives astronomers, and yes that gets misconstrued as unbridled enthusiasm driving the research to one end (finding life) it ignores the mundane grounding these people have... a slight that may be more egregious than realized. But one for much debate I suppose.
Setbacks and realizations, a goal much desired is probably out of reach and incompatible with current path, or challenges are there to be broken through and made to be overcome. Not sure if I have the energy to overcome them at the same time as everything else.
Kind of serves me right for having a glimmer of hope for something I really want, for me... ya'd think at some point i'd learn.
No very much not positive talk direction. Need to change the course and fix that...
Bikes... felt good on the bike outside yesterday. Never out of control, never at a limit, but then first time riding outside with people who aren't pro's (Jared) or kids or pro masters (45-49 age group at Nationals).
Very odd head space at the moment. I can step back out of myself and see that i'm at a tipping point. Sort of in control of the direction i'll fall, but in other ways completely so who gives a shit that i may not have the mental strength to make sure the next line i follow is the right one....
I guess the only think I can keep doing is what I'm doing.
the words are gone... no more to be found tonight... no path but despair right now and I don't want to go down that, and just talking about it is enough to create an unstoppable avalanche. So... that's that... I should really write about the ride yesterday, the good times, the laughs, the fun, the stress, the planning and the future.
tough though... focus is drifting too much to make that happen...
perhaps tomorrow at lunch...
or not...
indoor smackdown tomorrow night set up at 6pm... finished at 7:30pm 212 4th street PVD.
heddwch
G
Friday, February 19, 2016
The Pale Blue Dot
I listened to the first of the pale blue dot remixes tonight. Yes after listening to the second one while working today. This first one I listened to while working on writing to people, trying to organize and set in motion a TT series and possible setup two Grass Crits (cx bikes, no barriers).
Struck by the words that open and close it... words from Carl Sagan.
Vivid because of listening to Ernest Cline's Armada, read by Will Wheaton who does a great Sagan impression BTW... vivid because of how true it is, how difficult it is for some to grasp this.
Digging through i found a few other videos first...
first this one, Richard Feynman:
why? Childhood of listening to Dick Estell read one of his books in serial over the radio growing up. An audio book that so captured my imagination that the images created by Dick reading the words are still vivid to this day.
Also because this video is about what I do, light, photos, electrons, how to we look at them. how do we record them. how do we use them. that is what i do. that is what i understand. that is what i teach.
But what brought me to that even though it is first it is last, the video that got me there was this one:
the full speech used in the mix I'm re-listening to again.
Words so powerful and true... Obviously inspirational to Cline's work, and oh so can I wish Armada is truth not fiction?
There is evil out there. There are bad guys. How do I reconcile some of the great people I know, who are fans of the Trump, who unabashedly pretty much represents evil if we're going to cinematic production. I suppose this line leads to a blog post I cannot share, and shouldn't at least until after the election perhaps. (hey gotta stay on theme here)
Okay... getting there? #ambient... this shit will relax the f'out of your or put you to sleep and you know what? both are noble and good. Listening to it for the second time I'm just amazed at the transitions, in awe at the work that it took to make this seamless 90+ min mix.
music is what triggered the whole start of this web log... still unshakeably a huge influence on me
from the mellow ambient, to John Prine, to Richie Havens, to Otis Redding, to Gotan Project, to Bon Iver, To Daft Punk, to Dropkick Murphys, to Metallica, to Deltron 3030, to Oakenfold to The Alarm and Wagner and Beethoven and Rush and John Lee Hooker and Little Feat and Muddy Waters and Nathan and the Zydeco Cha chas and Bunny Wailer and Hendricks.
Music....
and bikes, and capturing photons/electrons and making amazing food... and sometimes writing...
this is me
GeWilli
heddwch
G
Struck by the words that open and close it... words from Carl Sagan.
Vivid because of listening to Ernest Cline's Armada, read by Will Wheaton who does a great Sagan impression BTW... vivid because of how true it is, how difficult it is for some to grasp this.
Digging through i found a few other videos first...
first this one, Richard Feynman:
why? Childhood of listening to Dick Estell read one of his books in serial over the radio growing up. An audio book that so captured my imagination that the images created by Dick reading the words are still vivid to this day.
Also because this video is about what I do, light, photos, electrons, how to we look at them. how do we record them. how do we use them. that is what i do. that is what i understand. that is what i teach.
But what brought me to that even though it is first it is last, the video that got me there was this one:
the full speech used in the mix I'm re-listening to again.
Words so powerful and true... Obviously inspirational to Cline's work, and oh so can I wish Armada is truth not fiction?
There is evil out there. There are bad guys. How do I reconcile some of the great people I know, who are fans of the Trump, who unabashedly pretty much represents evil if we're going to cinematic production. I suppose this line leads to a blog post I cannot share, and shouldn't at least until after the election perhaps. (hey gotta stay on theme here)
Okay... getting there? #ambient... this shit will relax the f'out of your or put you to sleep and you know what? both are noble and good. Listening to it for the second time I'm just amazed at the transitions, in awe at the work that it took to make this seamless 90+ min mix.
music is what triggered the whole start of this web log... still unshakeably a huge influence on me
from the mellow ambient, to John Prine, to Richie Havens, to Otis Redding, to Gotan Project, to Bon Iver, To Daft Punk, to Dropkick Murphys, to Metallica, to Deltron 3030, to Oakenfold to The Alarm and Wagner and Beethoven and Rush and John Lee Hooker and Little Feat and Muddy Waters and Nathan and the Zydeco Cha chas and Bunny Wailer and Hendricks.
Music....
and bikes, and capturing photons/electrons and making amazing food... and sometimes writing...
this is me
GeWilli
heddwch
G
ambient mix...
kind of want to just sit somewhere comfortable for the whole duration of this mix, and just get lost in the music and thoughts that wander through my brain during it...
heddwch
G
heddwch
G
Thursday, February 18, 2016
re-reading
Sometimes I wonder what my brain spilled out in the trance like writing that sometimes happens.
Last night was an unload - get out of my head thing after cooking dinner for everyone, shepard's pie isn't esp photogenic but it tastes yummy. Got the seasoning just right on the meaty gravy part, and put a couple eggs in the mashed potatoes a bit of cheese over the top and baked it. Pretty damn delicious. Little soccer kid came home and was super stoked, it is kind of her favorite i guess, or most requested dinner at least, maybe second most after burritos.
Re-reading last night's post, back to that, I did it just now. I'm okay with it. It seems a bit more negative than I intended it to be, I did get my weird allusions so that's good, maybe a bit heavy on a couple trends, but hey, I am me. I am doing stuff that makes me fulfilled, I'm not spending hours of every day in a car and I pretty much get to ride my bike every day, take cool pictures and share them with people, sometimes take bad shots, and generally am satisfied with my old phone's camera. I've got some good stuff I'm working on, granted I should be getting ready to ride in instead of writing but coffee time and thinking time.
I do miss having coffee outside watching people go by, that was a cool morning ritual, but perhaps maybe if it warms up a touch i'll sit in the backyard and have the morning cup before riding in. The household schedules are skewed a bit, we all get up, I get everyone fed and ready and once they leave I have a few minutes of personal quiet time before heading in. Sometimes I squander it with browsing the internet, or playing games on the tablet or something, maybe I need to write and focus more during that time.
After reading last nights crazy writing spell i noticed the post count in the archives. And noticed how few entries there were for 2014... a transition year for certain... slowly getting back to this I guess? Probably won't hit the 700+ posts per year thing ever, mostly because lots of that outlet is almost more twitter/fb, I didn't have those accounts then I don't think, and I also read the entire internet (related to bikes) almost daily. That blog roll on the left, so many amazing people behind them all, most are idle and collecting pixel dust now.
If i don't get my butt moving I'll be late so I need to stop even though brain is kind of charged and fingers are a blurr over the keys between pauses...
Pauses... losing grip on the thread, or unable to choose between which thread to grab and hang on to and see what words flow one after the other.
Totally want to make more coffee and just sit and drink coffee and write and listen to music all day kind of mood. But i've got class and lots to do today and this morning.
why i clicked on this and hit play is too long to explain right now: but I did and maybe now it is clear why I want to just write and listen to music?
https://soundcloud.com/mcezar/sasha-digweed-northern
Explain why, riff off of that, lots of musing behind it, indoor smackdown related...
but maybe that's enough that i'll cue myself into finishing this mix and write over lunch.
Heddwch
G
Last night was an unload - get out of my head thing after cooking dinner for everyone, shepard's pie isn't esp photogenic but it tastes yummy. Got the seasoning just right on the meaty gravy part, and put a couple eggs in the mashed potatoes a bit of cheese over the top and baked it. Pretty damn delicious. Little soccer kid came home and was super stoked, it is kind of her favorite i guess, or most requested dinner at least, maybe second most after burritos.
Re-reading last night's post, back to that, I did it just now. I'm okay with it. It seems a bit more negative than I intended it to be, I did get my weird allusions so that's good, maybe a bit heavy on a couple trends, but hey, I am me. I am doing stuff that makes me fulfilled, I'm not spending hours of every day in a car and I pretty much get to ride my bike every day, take cool pictures and share them with people, sometimes take bad shots, and generally am satisfied with my old phone's camera. I've got some good stuff I'm working on, granted I should be getting ready to ride in instead of writing but coffee time and thinking time.
I do miss having coffee outside watching people go by, that was a cool morning ritual, but perhaps maybe if it warms up a touch i'll sit in the backyard and have the morning cup before riding in. The household schedules are skewed a bit, we all get up, I get everyone fed and ready and once they leave I have a few minutes of personal quiet time before heading in. Sometimes I squander it with browsing the internet, or playing games on the tablet or something, maybe I need to write and focus more during that time.
After reading last nights crazy writing spell i noticed the post count in the archives. And noticed how few entries there were for 2014... a transition year for certain... slowly getting back to this I guess? Probably won't hit the 700+ posts per year thing ever, mostly because lots of that outlet is almost more twitter/fb, I didn't have those accounts then I don't think, and I also read the entire internet (related to bikes) almost daily. That blog roll on the left, so many amazing people behind them all, most are idle and collecting pixel dust now.
If i don't get my butt moving I'll be late so I need to stop even though brain is kind of charged and fingers are a blurr over the keys between pauses...
Pauses... losing grip on the thread, or unable to choose between which thread to grab and hang on to and see what words flow one after the other.
Totally want to make more coffee and just sit and drink coffee and write and listen to music all day kind of mood. But i've got class and lots to do today and this morning.
why i clicked on this and hit play is too long to explain right now: but I did and maybe now it is clear why I want to just write and listen to music?
https://soundcloud.com/mcezar/sasha-digweed-northern
Explain why, riff off of that, lots of musing behind it, indoor smackdown related...
but maybe that's enough that i'll cue myself into finishing this mix and write over lunch.
Heddwch
G
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Stairs hurt
Last night I lead the indoor smackdown. Greve parked his bike next to PKS, he looks HUGE, and then I'm reminded i'm only 5# lighter than he is and only an inch or two taller... hmmm... How do I never see that?
Meaning to write 'Stas an email. One of the things we'd talked about this fall was plans for the spring. How do I keep the positive focus after CX is over? Friends have admitted in confidence that after CX they dig into the anti-depressants until summer rolls around. And I totally get that. Last couple years the spring has left me with nothing. It sucks. Okay not nothing, the writing the Two Cone Wrenches and a Megaphone was so important and critical and yes I have a half finished entry for that, some point maybe I'll finish it and carry on with that line.
But.
This teaching the class thing, even though it is totally GeWilli style and I'm just adding work w/o compensation, aka doing it for free... it has been amazing. Pissed that we missed a week of lecture due to the fucking snow. But, it has been actually pretty amazing. The interaction in class are different than normal training. There's a big difference, and the difference is that yes, it is exhausting and demanding, but holy fuck i forgot how rewarding it is. Different. Maybe you teach, maybe you know.
I will likely use this post as a stimulus to email 'Stas unless she reads this and emails me first, but it worked, or I should clarify, it is working.
Last night though... holy crap... that hurt. Why? i dunno, the whole Fight for Air Climb coming up, I did all 9 of the 1min intervals out of the saddle in the hardest gear (53x12) on the stupid high resistance gen1 Cyclops fluid trainer that is actually in 10x worse shape than AHub's instagram, yes G-Ride stick welded it at one point. And yes, i have to stick it on a wood braced bracket so the welded feet don't walk out. Yes, it is SUPER JANK. But you know what? I still was able to do the intervals and I couldn't really walk at the end and it still hurts going up stairs so i'm calling it good and worth it and now am just trying to recover to the point where I can do it again.
Things still not easy. Struggles most every day. But able to mostly see the positive, focus on moving forward. So much still sucks, so many reminders of what my cohort has that I don't, few if any reminders though of what i have that they don't, working on working on that. Hate that in a way Boise was prophetic, but now in an unexpected way, elaborate? nope not here not a chance, buy me a beer and I'll try and explain.
Got an email asking to fill out a research survey about web logging... guess i've been doing it long enough to find my way onto an algorithm for long time participants of this activity, that or my link in that last entry raised a flag.
A handful of Asheville folks I met and connected with have found me on FB recently. One is the crazy guy with the bluetooth mike but man, that guy is actually pretty awesome, there's this vibe, ya know? hard to explain? We talked a bit here and there and stuff off the hillside, his enthusiasm is pretty intense and inspirational. I hope he makes the trip to Hartford. If for nothing than to experience a taste of NECX and maybe come back. The other? harder to explain. Shouldn't really explain other than over a beer other than Mic Ultra.
So yeah - that's my new M.O. you want the dirt, buy me a beer and prod me and I'll spill.
Simple enough eh? Not really.
I got super judged by one of my students. I admitted to the fact that my idiotic aversion as an undergrad to art history was the only reason i didn't get an art minor. She couldn't grasp this. I can't now either esp given my current track. Art History is actually kind of cool, and if i had taken it I would have been able to do a Senior Studio and well that would have given me an Art Minor to go along with my Honors and Distinction degree pretty well. Although probably still wouldn't have changed the track of anything or this. But? Yeah all the butts (so many good ones out there).
Curious times. Def gotta talk with the Goldberg, low residency or something... gotta make that happen. Finally there is something (that thing) kind of like a beacon that seems perfect... I've been burned by falling for perfection in others... this is mine, this is not hinged on anyone else, i think that, that itself, is a sign.
But then we'll see what evolves, what comes from it... I've been nothing but exploited (usually willingly even if aware) my whole life. Not sure how to change that, or if I can. Hell who teaches at an Ivy school for free? Like whole course? Who does that idiocy? Only GeWilli.
Been watching the twitter follower thing bouncing around the 700 mark, a bot follows then gets deleted... 701 - 699, then 700- 698, funny... Not unlike posting the "hey like my FB page" nanoscape thing and having the 'like' count go down 30 seconds after posting that. But still does it matter?
No.
Has it ever mattered here?
NO.
should it matter there? abso fucking lutely not. And it doesn't.
Super stoked, working on next collection, set of images, but so conflicted in feeling that I may have to do small print sale to fund large print gallery show, because, shit bro, we ain't go no cash man, and the cost of one large print is like a month worth of beer, and there are SIX of them? Fuuuck dude we can't afford that shit! nope. Art's expensive it seems.... or i picked an expensive way to express the stuff I do? I dunno. I still have no idea how this shit works. but maybe someday I'll figure it out? I hope?
the whole NECX HOTM club thing has been killing me, so want to but can't, when? weekends? yeah those aren't yours. Give that shit up, weekdays? Oh hey you're the dumbass that wanted to teach this spring, yeah you don't get any weekdays off either...
So smackdowns, Indoor/outdoor.... that's what i'm left with.....
gotta make it work some how..
some how...
because - do we (me) have a choice?
heddwch
G
Meaning to write 'Stas an email. One of the things we'd talked about this fall was plans for the spring. How do I keep the positive focus after CX is over? Friends have admitted in confidence that after CX they dig into the anti-depressants until summer rolls around. And I totally get that. Last couple years the spring has left me with nothing. It sucks. Okay not nothing, the writing the Two Cone Wrenches and a Megaphone was so important and critical and yes I have a half finished entry for that, some point maybe I'll finish it and carry on with that line.
But.
This teaching the class thing, even though it is totally GeWilli style and I'm just adding work w/o compensation, aka doing it for free... it has been amazing. Pissed that we missed a week of lecture due to the fucking snow. But, it has been actually pretty amazing. The interaction in class are different than normal training. There's a big difference, and the difference is that yes, it is exhausting and demanding, but holy fuck i forgot how rewarding it is. Different. Maybe you teach, maybe you know.
I will likely use this post as a stimulus to email 'Stas unless she reads this and emails me first, but it worked, or I should clarify, it is working.
Last night though... holy crap... that hurt. Why? i dunno, the whole Fight for Air Climb coming up, I did all 9 of the 1min intervals out of the saddle in the hardest gear (53x12) on the stupid high resistance gen1 Cyclops fluid trainer that is actually in 10x worse shape than AHub's instagram, yes G-Ride stick welded it at one point. And yes, i have to stick it on a wood braced bracket so the welded feet don't walk out. Yes, it is SUPER JANK. But you know what? I still was able to do the intervals and I couldn't really walk at the end and it still hurts going up stairs so i'm calling it good and worth it and now am just trying to recover to the point where I can do it again.
Things still not easy. Struggles most every day. But able to mostly see the positive, focus on moving forward. So much still sucks, so many reminders of what my cohort has that I don't, few if any reminders though of what i have that they don't, working on working on that. Hate that in a way Boise was prophetic, but now in an unexpected way, elaborate? nope not here not a chance, buy me a beer and I'll try and explain.
Got an email asking to fill out a research survey about web logging... guess i've been doing it long enough to find my way onto an algorithm for long time participants of this activity, that or my link in that last entry raised a flag.
A handful of Asheville folks I met and connected with have found me on FB recently. One is the crazy guy with the bluetooth mike but man, that guy is actually pretty awesome, there's this vibe, ya know? hard to explain? We talked a bit here and there and stuff off the hillside, his enthusiasm is pretty intense and inspirational. I hope he makes the trip to Hartford. If for nothing than to experience a taste of NECX and maybe come back. The other? harder to explain. Shouldn't really explain other than over a beer other than Mic Ultra.
So yeah - that's my new M.O. you want the dirt, buy me a beer and prod me and I'll spill.
Simple enough eh? Not really.
I got super judged by one of my students. I admitted to the fact that my idiotic aversion as an undergrad to art history was the only reason i didn't get an art minor. She couldn't grasp this. I can't now either esp given my current track. Art History is actually kind of cool, and if i had taken it I would have been able to do a Senior Studio and well that would have given me an Art Minor to go along with my Honors and Distinction degree pretty well. Although probably still wouldn't have changed the track of anything or this. But? Yeah all the butts (so many good ones out there).
Curious times. Def gotta talk with the Goldberg, low residency or something... gotta make that happen. Finally there is something (that thing) kind of like a beacon that seems perfect... I've been burned by falling for perfection in others... this is mine, this is not hinged on anyone else, i think that, that itself, is a sign.
But then we'll see what evolves, what comes from it... I've been nothing but exploited (usually willingly even if aware) my whole life. Not sure how to change that, or if I can. Hell who teaches at an Ivy school for free? Like whole course? Who does that idiocy? Only GeWilli.
Been watching the twitter follower thing bouncing around the 700 mark, a bot follows then gets deleted... 701 - 699, then 700- 698, funny... Not unlike posting the "hey like my FB page" nanoscape thing and having the 'like' count go down 30 seconds after posting that. But still does it matter?
No.
Has it ever mattered here?
NO.
should it matter there? abso fucking lutely not. And it doesn't.
Super stoked, working on next collection, set of images, but so conflicted in feeling that I may have to do small print sale to fund large print gallery show, because, shit bro, we ain't go no cash man, and the cost of one large print is like a month worth of beer, and there are SIX of them? Fuuuck dude we can't afford that shit! nope. Art's expensive it seems.... or i picked an expensive way to express the stuff I do? I dunno. I still have no idea how this shit works. but maybe someday I'll figure it out? I hope?
the whole NECX HOTM club thing has been killing me, so want to but can't, when? weekends? yeah those aren't yours. Give that shit up, weekdays? Oh hey you're the dumbass that wanted to teach this spring, yeah you don't get any weekdays off either...
So smackdowns, Indoor/outdoor.... that's what i'm left with.....
gotta make it work some how..
some how...
because - do we (me) have a choice?
heddwch
G
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
why write? why web log?
Why indeed - just read this (I opened the tab to read the article but then wrote my own entry over lunch instead).
This is true - there are plenty of times when I would have been far less censored if this was private, and maybe I should have made a handful of the entries that way. But then, part of this is also an open book. Keeping it open helps me attempt at being a kinder asshole, helps take the edge off, if possible, and well, y'all probably know i can cut through pretty deep and mean and be f'n hurtful.
Anyway.
There is a lot of elements in here, and yes, I do feel quite a bit better about putting words together than I did in the past, past way back when I started.
I'll never have the readership or following than the popular blogs have, I'm the tiny niche in a niche before and after that niche was popular, and stayed kind of out of the spotlight even during the boom. And that's okay. I'm me. I'd love to be a more successful, more popular version of me but hey, some things are just they way they are.
So here... go read some professional writing for a change:
http://www.wsj.com/articles/the-power-of-daily-writing-in-a-journal-1453837329
heddwch
G
This is true - there are plenty of times when I would have been far less censored if this was private, and maybe I should have made a handful of the entries that way. But then, part of this is also an open book. Keeping it open helps me attempt at being a kinder asshole, helps take the edge off, if possible, and well, y'all probably know i can cut through pretty deep and mean and be f'n hurtful.
Anyway.
There is a lot of elements in here, and yes, I do feel quite a bit better about putting words together than I did in the past, past way back when I started.
I'll never have the readership or following than the popular blogs have, I'm the tiny niche in a niche before and after that niche was popular, and stayed kind of out of the spotlight even during the boom. And that's okay. I'm me. I'd love to be a more successful, more popular version of me but hey, some things are just they way they are.
So here... go read some professional writing for a change:
http://www.wsj.com/articles/the-power-of-daily-writing-in-a-journal-1453837329
heddwch
G
Coffee... ah for the lack of coffee
What rules the world? Coffee and Beer and Bikes.
the holy trinity for bike mechanics and cyclocross racers. Sure, you can skip one or the other, plenty go just fine w/o the beer, others w/o the coffee... but most kind of hit all three.
Coffee here in the picture factory is ritualistic. I kept count of how many pots of coffee by how many packs of filters I've gone through in the last 10.5 years, well I was keeping count until the last purchase, Kind of forgot how many, oops. Yes, I took a break once. Took a whole summer to taper off the bitter dark bean juice. Went to a mix of 50:50 decaf until 100% decaf then stopped. did the 24HOGG and just stayed off, having a coffee before CX races that fall, then once a month special treat of a macchiato or something. And then Boom. back on the juice.
So yes, Before I even change out of commuting gear, I start the pot of coffee (go get water, measure out the grounds) and listen to the familiar chortles of the old standby maker. It does a good job. I like this coffee, others seem to like it too, happy to share.
Thursday I used the last of the coffee in the office. Friday I brought in enough for Friday and Monday (resupplied on Saturday). Monday because I knew heading into the office for teaching I might forget and it would be a disaster to try and get through a 2-5p lecture with a sub-optimal amount of coffee.
But then in the crazy post teaching trying to fix the microscope madness leaving I forgot to set an internal reminder to bring more coffee in. I forgot. And I made it into work before remembering.
Like totally forgot. DAMNIT.
Okay, not a problem. I had some coffee before I left the house. the morning ritual, the get all systems rev'd up and working. But it was wearing off pretty quickly. 10:30 rolled around and the pre-cursor to the withdrawal headache was starting to bloom. Desperate measures. Pulled out the Starbux giftcards and hoped there was enough on one to get a coffee.
Walk over. They are closed. Facility problems. CLOSED. Fuck. I could walk down to downtown, or over to wayland, but those are a commitment to walk there, and I didn't have a coat/jacket today. Because riding in I didn't need one. It was fine for riding not so much for walking. And yes could have gotten the bike but there's no lock at work since my back up's key snapped off inside the lock. BTW Don't leave the key in a NY Chain lock. Accidents happen and the key can snap off kind of easily. And it is not easy to get out.
Walked back to the office, thought about digging into the emergency caffeinated Cliff Shot, but didn't want all that extra sugar to go along with it and the Chocolate Cherry flavor just was unappetizing at the moment. So... I said f'it and went and bought a coffee at Blue State. No wonder I make my own, this shit is expensive. HOW DO PEOPLE AFFORD THIS SHT EVERY DAY! I guess that would be one way to get me to quit! Hell two coffees = six pack of Tall Boys. Fuuuuuck. But then there are other benefits for people, the ritual, it really isn't that much money, and hey, it works. I'm just one of those who tend to kind of like to make shit themselves, esp something as simple and essential as coffee.
Downside is we have smackdown tonight. Inside. And it will be interesting going into it with a low caffeine load.
But Erin brought a big pile of pastries home from the Bread Labs so I'll just fuel based on them. Load up on pecan and blueberry muffins, may be coffee debt but won't be in glycogen debt for today's intensity workout.
Plan is to target the Fight for Air Climb, Last year it took me 2 min or so, Paul Curley did it 15-20 seconds faster than I did. I wasn't in great shape at the end of the season last year, I wasn't doing any intensity, didn't go to Nationals, and the weather kind of sucked a bit. I'd never done one of these stair sprint things before either. And shit for that matter I out weigh Paul by what 70 pounds? Goal this year is to get closer, just a bit maybe. So what to decide for tonight's workout? 2 min intervals seem kind of what to do. 2 min then 4 min recovery. Kind of long for recovery but also makes you a bit fresher for each one. Although I kind of am in an internal debate with the idea of cutting that in half, 1 min max effort to failure, 2 min recovery repeat. Def the latter now that I think about it. Esp since we're going to be repeating it. Now. To do two blocks of 15 min with 5 rest, or three blocks of 9 min with 5 min between... Two different systems, the two blocks of 15 may be a bit intense, and too challenging to make 5 1 min in a row consistent for most people. mentally 3 sets would be easier. Probably wind up with that.
Now to figure out what tunes to pair with it, from the sounds of it we'll have a decent turnout tonight. Looking forward to it, despite being super low on coffee.
Probably going to leave a bit early, first so I can go home and make a nice Quad to fire up the synapses before the Smackdown, AND more importantly so that I'm only fighting the wind and not the rain too. There are already winds hitting 37mph on my commute home. HEADMOTHERFUCKINGWINDS. Yes. That could be worse, but it'll feel bad enough on the single speed. A cross wind that strong on the slush and the remaining water covered ice would be bone breaking crash level shit, even with studded tires.
Either way it'll be a struggle on the SSCX. Hoping for much more melt than there was this morning. So much of the path was standing water on solid ice. Not nearly as slick as the dusting of powder snow over the ice that was there last night, but still damn slick. Ruts that were filled in with packed snow yesterday morning were all exposed and ready to suck tires in.
That said I noticed I was riding in the fat tire track with much more easy than I was last week. I guess this commuting has worked better than riding 12" wide rollers. I can let the bike drop in a rut and ride it out w/o eating shit or dabbing. And yes that 4-5" fat tire packed ice track wasn't super easy to stay on but was easier to make progress on it than the packed/melty shit on either side of it.
Also, read this, maybe that's what I should to, revert to writing just to myself. Although the printing out thing. Potentially maybe not bad idea. Need to hire an intern for that. Probably should get a new CX bike before spending money on an assistant to print this bullshit out.
Gotta remember coffee tomorrow.... gotta remember coffee....
heddwch
G
the holy trinity for bike mechanics and cyclocross racers. Sure, you can skip one or the other, plenty go just fine w/o the beer, others w/o the coffee... but most kind of hit all three.
Coffee here in the picture factory is ritualistic. I kept count of how many pots of coffee by how many packs of filters I've gone through in the last 10.5 years, well I was keeping count until the last purchase, Kind of forgot how many, oops. Yes, I took a break once. Took a whole summer to taper off the bitter dark bean juice. Went to a mix of 50:50 decaf until 100% decaf then stopped. did the 24HOGG and just stayed off, having a coffee before CX races that fall, then once a month special treat of a macchiato or something. And then Boom. back on the juice.
So yes, Before I even change out of commuting gear, I start the pot of coffee (go get water, measure out the grounds) and listen to the familiar chortles of the old standby maker. It does a good job. I like this coffee, others seem to like it too, happy to share.
Thursday I used the last of the coffee in the office. Friday I brought in enough for Friday and Monday (resupplied on Saturday). Monday because I knew heading into the office for teaching I might forget and it would be a disaster to try and get through a 2-5p lecture with a sub-optimal amount of coffee.
But then in the crazy post teaching trying to fix the microscope madness leaving I forgot to set an internal reminder to bring more coffee in. I forgot. And I made it into work before remembering.
Like totally forgot. DAMNIT.
Okay, not a problem. I had some coffee before I left the house. the morning ritual, the get all systems rev'd up and working. But it was wearing off pretty quickly. 10:30 rolled around and the pre-cursor to the withdrawal headache was starting to bloom. Desperate measures. Pulled out the Starbux giftcards and hoped there was enough on one to get a coffee.
Walk over. They are closed. Facility problems. CLOSED. Fuck. I could walk down to downtown, or over to wayland, but those are a commitment to walk there, and I didn't have a coat/jacket today. Because riding in I didn't need one. It was fine for riding not so much for walking. And yes could have gotten the bike but there's no lock at work since my back up's key snapped off inside the lock. BTW Don't leave the key in a NY Chain lock. Accidents happen and the key can snap off kind of easily. And it is not easy to get out.
Walked back to the office, thought about digging into the emergency caffeinated Cliff Shot, but didn't want all that extra sugar to go along with it and the Chocolate Cherry flavor just was unappetizing at the moment. So... I said f'it and went and bought a coffee at Blue State. No wonder I make my own, this shit is expensive. HOW DO PEOPLE AFFORD THIS SHT EVERY DAY! I guess that would be one way to get me to quit! Hell two coffees = six pack of Tall Boys. Fuuuuuck. But then there are other benefits for people, the ritual, it really isn't that much money, and hey, it works. I'm just one of those who tend to kind of like to make shit themselves, esp something as simple and essential as coffee.
Downside is we have smackdown tonight. Inside. And it will be interesting going into it with a low caffeine load.
But Erin brought a big pile of pastries home from the Bread Labs so I'll just fuel based on them. Load up on pecan and blueberry muffins, may be coffee debt but won't be in glycogen debt for today's intensity workout.
Plan is to target the Fight for Air Climb, Last year it took me 2 min or so, Paul Curley did it 15-20 seconds faster than I did. I wasn't in great shape at the end of the season last year, I wasn't doing any intensity, didn't go to Nationals, and the weather kind of sucked a bit. I'd never done one of these stair sprint things before either. And shit for that matter I out weigh Paul by what 70 pounds? Goal this year is to get closer, just a bit maybe. So what to decide for tonight's workout? 2 min intervals seem kind of what to do. 2 min then 4 min recovery. Kind of long for recovery but also makes you a bit fresher for each one. Although I kind of am in an internal debate with the idea of cutting that in half, 1 min max effort to failure, 2 min recovery repeat. Def the latter now that I think about it. Esp since we're going to be repeating it. Now. To do two blocks of 15 min with 5 rest, or three blocks of 9 min with 5 min between... Two different systems, the two blocks of 15 may be a bit intense, and too challenging to make 5 1 min in a row consistent for most people. mentally 3 sets would be easier. Probably wind up with that.
Now to figure out what tunes to pair with it, from the sounds of it we'll have a decent turnout tonight. Looking forward to it, despite being super low on coffee.
Probably going to leave a bit early, first so I can go home and make a nice Quad to fire up the synapses before the Smackdown, AND more importantly so that I'm only fighting the wind and not the rain too. There are already winds hitting 37mph on my commute home. HEADMOTHERFUCKINGWINDS. Yes. That could be worse, but it'll feel bad enough on the single speed. A cross wind that strong on the slush and the remaining water covered ice would be bone breaking crash level shit, even with studded tires.
Either way it'll be a struggle on the SSCX. Hoping for much more melt than there was this morning. So much of the path was standing water on solid ice. Not nearly as slick as the dusting of powder snow over the ice that was there last night, but still damn slick. Ruts that were filled in with packed snow yesterday morning were all exposed and ready to suck tires in.
That said I noticed I was riding in the fat tire track with much more easy than I was last week. I guess this commuting has worked better than riding 12" wide rollers. I can let the bike drop in a rut and ride it out w/o eating shit or dabbing. And yes that 4-5" fat tire packed ice track wasn't super easy to stay on but was easier to make progress on it than the packed/melty shit on either side of it.
Also, read this, maybe that's what I should to, revert to writing just to myself. Although the printing out thing. Potentially maybe not bad idea. Need to hire an intern for that. Probably should get a new CX bike before spending money on an assistant to print this bullshit out.
Gotta remember coffee tomorrow.... gotta remember coffee....
heddwch
G
Monday, February 08, 2016
I should shovel
But words, emotions uncaptured, ideas still floating.
I paused mid-commute home to snap this shot.
There's more to say, much more.
I had to stop, snow melting on the screen of the phone was impeding the sensor recognition, took lots of effort just to post it before taking off on the bike again.
The thoughts riding through the unbroken mounts, the ripples, the "corduroy?" it was an amazing commute home. Yes, I commuted to work when I didn't have to, when work was closed.
I needed the ride more than I realized.
I needed that time on the bike.
The ride in, there was a dusting of snow but it was easy to tell where the lumpy rutted ice was and where the path had gone down to bare pavement between Friday and this morning. I could pick and choose pretty well and find the smooth sections and pedal with relative ease. The ruts were all visible, still there but I could see them and prepare and or avoid them.
The ride home? Despite the fierce wind and the powdery nature of the snow, it had accumulated. It wasn't flat, it was in those rolling but ridged dunes, and it completely obscured the ruts and ice and frozen footfalls beneath.
But struggling to keeping going through it all on the Garbage Truck, with the 35c tires, the 46x19 gearing, all I could think of was "This is a perfect metaphor for life." I'm doing something abjectly impossible for pretty much everyone except my CXy cohort. And even then more than half if not most of them probably would hate it and bail and miss the point. The struggle with the riding on the ruts, the holding the bike up, how do you turn in that, body language, let the bike flow, point and ride. It is like life. I've chosen a general direction. Abjectly not the easiest, and I'm making it sort of work, none of anything I have is new, or in good shape, but I'm doing the best I can with what I have, I'm not trying to impose my will or force it, just react, and stay upright and moving forward.
In light of the weekend's news, that's telling enough. Moving forward, it is work, but the low cadence quad firing feels just right. My legs are responding and different than they ever have been. I'm not any faster but maybe I'm just more in tune and maybe while not faster I'm not slower and being not slower 10 years later isn't terrible? No?
The reaction, the pedaling, the forcing through.
Friday's ride home through the wet snow was brutal. Snow was packing into the one cog and it kept skipping. Litereally how the fuck does a SSCX fuck up? I dunno, couldn't figure it out. So I made a small change yesterday, but the dry snow didn't pack up the way it did on Friday and I had no problems with the bike on the ride home. The handling on the garbage truck is absolutely abysmal but it works well enough and because it isn't easier maybe I work hard and that's just well deserved penance.
I wrote the words above in the instagram because I had the urge to just get home and write, and write and write. And I knew that If I didn't get the basis of the thoughts down I might miss it.
Something about the creativity thing, along the lines of John Prine, the video i posted this weekend. What is it we do. What is it I do. I don't know. It is depressing to look around at everyone else your age as they arise to CEO level shit, or hit major points where salary starts rewarding them for years of work, and I'm still just doing what I did 20+ years ago, struggling with an ever increasing fiscal demon. But, this is my path. Like riding on the bike path instead of the well plowed and salted road... My journey is under my control, as much as I hate myself for it, this is me, I need to own up to that and realize it at some point. I'm not anyone's boss, i have no one working for me, but that's okay. I need to remind myself that. That this is me, and me is okay. Like riding alone in the snow, the hidden ruts, best to just react. Life has prepared me for this, take the lessons learned and apply them, let instinct react, no not instinct, but practice and reaction, reps and skills, acquired life/riding has prepared me well do deal with this. Sometimes it isn't fun but sometimes it is difficult but rewarding and fun. Today was that. Fun. Difficult. Not easy.
But I felt absolutely at home, on the bike, alone.
Emphasis almost on the alone. But then being able to share. I wish I had better tools to share the view, the shots the scene, the colors the lack of colors. I wish I had a fancy Leica Monochrome M or one of the Phase black and white cameras or some just perfect digital way to capture things in black and white.
That is my aesthetic. Scanning electron microscopy, black and white film, contrast, texture, light. But then, adversity and making due is what I do. I don't have the luxury of luxury, but i do what I do with what i have and that has to be okay, even when I doesn't feel like it. Disc brakes and a true SSCX bike would make everything much more reliable and faster/better/stronger, but that's now my plan, plot or path.
And that is okay.
But today was magic on the bike.
Today was not a fast day but it was a perfect magical day that I am incredibly thankful for.
heddwch
G
I paused mid-commute home to snap this shot.
There's more to say, much more.
I had to stop, snow melting on the screen of the phone was impeding the sensor recognition, took lots of effort just to post it before taking off on the bike again.
The thoughts riding through the unbroken mounts, the ripples, the "corduroy?" it was an amazing commute home. Yes, I commuted to work when I didn't have to, when work was closed.
I needed the ride more than I realized.
I needed that time on the bike.
The ride in, there was a dusting of snow but it was easy to tell where the lumpy rutted ice was and where the path had gone down to bare pavement between Friday and this morning. I could pick and choose pretty well and find the smooth sections and pedal with relative ease. The ruts were all visible, still there but I could see them and prepare and or avoid them.
The ride home? Despite the fierce wind and the powdery nature of the snow, it had accumulated. It wasn't flat, it was in those rolling but ridged dunes, and it completely obscured the ruts and ice and frozen footfalls beneath.
But struggling to keeping going through it all on the Garbage Truck, with the 35c tires, the 46x19 gearing, all I could think of was "This is a perfect metaphor for life." I'm doing something abjectly impossible for pretty much everyone except my CXy cohort. And even then more than half if not most of them probably would hate it and bail and miss the point. The struggle with the riding on the ruts, the holding the bike up, how do you turn in that, body language, let the bike flow, point and ride. It is like life. I've chosen a general direction. Abjectly not the easiest, and I'm making it sort of work, none of anything I have is new, or in good shape, but I'm doing the best I can with what I have, I'm not trying to impose my will or force it, just react, and stay upright and moving forward.
In light of the weekend's news, that's telling enough. Moving forward, it is work, but the low cadence quad firing feels just right. My legs are responding and different than they ever have been. I'm not any faster but maybe I'm just more in tune and maybe while not faster I'm not slower and being not slower 10 years later isn't terrible? No?
The reaction, the pedaling, the forcing through.
Friday's ride home through the wet snow was brutal. Snow was packing into the one cog and it kept skipping. Litereally how the fuck does a SSCX fuck up? I dunno, couldn't figure it out. So I made a small change yesterday, but the dry snow didn't pack up the way it did on Friday and I had no problems with the bike on the ride home. The handling on the garbage truck is absolutely abysmal but it works well enough and because it isn't easier maybe I work hard and that's just well deserved penance.
I wrote the words above in the instagram because I had the urge to just get home and write, and write and write. And I knew that If I didn't get the basis of the thoughts down I might miss it.
Something about the creativity thing, along the lines of John Prine, the video i posted this weekend. What is it we do. What is it I do. I don't know. It is depressing to look around at everyone else your age as they arise to CEO level shit, or hit major points where salary starts rewarding them for years of work, and I'm still just doing what I did 20+ years ago, struggling with an ever increasing fiscal demon. But, this is my path. Like riding on the bike path instead of the well plowed and salted road... My journey is under my control, as much as I hate myself for it, this is me, I need to own up to that and realize it at some point. I'm not anyone's boss, i have no one working for me, but that's okay. I need to remind myself that. That this is me, and me is okay. Like riding alone in the snow, the hidden ruts, best to just react. Life has prepared me for this, take the lessons learned and apply them, let instinct react, no not instinct, but practice and reaction, reps and skills, acquired life/riding has prepared me well do deal with this. Sometimes it isn't fun but sometimes it is difficult but rewarding and fun. Today was that. Fun. Difficult. Not easy.
But I felt absolutely at home, on the bike, alone.
Emphasis almost on the alone. But then being able to share. I wish I had better tools to share the view, the shots the scene, the colors the lack of colors. I wish I had a fancy Leica Monochrome M or one of the Phase black and white cameras or some just perfect digital way to capture things in black and white.
That is my aesthetic. Scanning electron microscopy, black and white film, contrast, texture, light. But then, adversity and making due is what I do. I don't have the luxury of luxury, but i do what I do with what i have and that has to be okay, even when I doesn't feel like it. Disc brakes and a true SSCX bike would make everything much more reliable and faster/better/stronger, but that's now my plan, plot or path.
And that is okay.
But today was magic on the bike.
Today was not a fast day but it was a perfect magical day that I am incredibly thankful for.
heddwch
G
closed what?
I'd spent part of the weekend, not quite enough, getting ready for the lecture today. Got it to the point where I had only a couple manageable things to do today before class.
And then at 8:51pm last night i got the email that classes were cancelled and the office closed today.
Okay. That kind of frustrating. Class meets ONCE A WEEK. The lecture part at least, there rest of the week is arranged time that is SCHEDULED DURING CLASS. And there are not that many weeks in the semester and I don't have any buffer weeks built into the syllabus.
Oh well, kind of minor but frustrating. It is a solvable problem, easy to deal with, we'll figure it out (which is partly what I'm doing at work today anyway, figuring it out even though the whole place is shut down and there's a parking ban in effect).
A very somber tenor the the evening came as an email earlier than the announcement of cancelling classes.
An email from one side of the family, subject line simply "sad news"
I was in the middle of pre-baking the pizzas and waited to read it till I had the first one in the oven with toppings...
first line in the subject floored me and a wave of numbness and tears flowed before I got to the word 'saturday'
"I am writing you to share the very sad news that my sister ______ took her life on Saturday."
this was a person who i'd say I was probably the closest to growing up on that side of the family. Not super close, not really staying much in contact outside of reunions or other happy/sad family gatherings. But more than just an idle distant relation. And this was unexpected to me... the next line was so welcome, an offering much appreciated, as i think the whole family is one of scholars, scientists and thinkers and deal better with facts than unknowns, and generally want to know vs be left in the dark. But the sensitivity to those who prefer not to know is certainly a sensitive detail.
"I am going to go ahead and tell you some of the details because my experience is that many of you will want to know these things, and I would rather not have to explain it many times over. Feel free to stop reading if you don’t want to know any more."
The details are so painful but also so routine in cases like this. So much talk about Dave Mira lately, qued up my emotions I suppose, friends who've struggled with depression and anxiety, my struggles with them, I know too well, and it hurts esp when it happens.
Reading this isn't so related to ____'s death by suicide, (it is a direct response to Mira's) but is a great way to frame the events, have some perspective... doesn't make it hurt less though.
The weather is deteriorating a bit, sort of. Probably best to wrap up the last set of phone calls and emails and get the heck out of here. At least there'll be a nice tailwind for the ride home. And the temps are cold enough that it should be fun powder for the ride, not the heavy wet slog home that it was on Friday.
Check the instagram feed for photos https://www.instagram.com/ge_willi/
heddwch
G
And then at 8:51pm last night i got the email that classes were cancelled and the office closed today.
Okay. That kind of frustrating. Class meets ONCE A WEEK. The lecture part at least, there rest of the week is arranged time that is SCHEDULED DURING CLASS. And there are not that many weeks in the semester and I don't have any buffer weeks built into the syllabus.
Oh well, kind of minor but frustrating. It is a solvable problem, easy to deal with, we'll figure it out (which is partly what I'm doing at work today anyway, figuring it out even though the whole place is shut down and there's a parking ban in effect).
A very somber tenor the the evening came as an email earlier than the announcement of cancelling classes.
An email from one side of the family, subject line simply "sad news"
I was in the middle of pre-baking the pizzas and waited to read it till I had the first one in the oven with toppings...
first line in the subject floored me and a wave of numbness and tears flowed before I got to the word 'saturday'
"I am writing you to share the very sad news that my sister ______ took her life on Saturday."
this was a person who i'd say I was probably the closest to growing up on that side of the family. Not super close, not really staying much in contact outside of reunions or other happy/sad family gatherings. But more than just an idle distant relation. And this was unexpected to me... the next line was so welcome, an offering much appreciated, as i think the whole family is one of scholars, scientists and thinkers and deal better with facts than unknowns, and generally want to know vs be left in the dark. But the sensitivity to those who prefer not to know is certainly a sensitive detail.
"I am going to go ahead and tell you some of the details because my experience is that many of you will want to know these things, and I would rather not have to explain it many times over. Feel free to stop reading if you don’t want to know any more."
The details are so painful but also so routine in cases like this. So much talk about Dave Mira lately, qued up my emotions I suppose, friends who've struggled with depression and anxiety, my struggles with them, I know too well, and it hurts esp when it happens.
Reading this isn't so related to ____'s death by suicide, (it is a direct response to Mira's) but is a great way to frame the events, have some perspective... doesn't make it hurt less though.
The weather is deteriorating a bit, sort of. Probably best to wrap up the last set of phone calls and emails and get the heck out of here. At least there'll be a nice tailwind for the ride home. And the temps are cold enough that it should be fun powder for the ride, not the heavy wet slog home that it was on Friday.
Check the instagram feed for photos https://www.instagram.com/ge_willi/
heddwch
G
Saturday, February 06, 2016
words, creativity, thought processes
generic title i suppose, for a not really generic thought process rolling in my head right now.
over taxed kid got a bit under the weather, opted to skip the morning activities, rendering an oddly quiet day here. I even took a nap. I know I was tired because I had a shit ton of coffee yesterday before 1pm and by 3pm I was physically exhausted (but still shoveled then made dinner, built fire, screwed around on internet) and finally almost literally passed out. Only to wake up at 2am, with the thought "Hey maybe there are still coals in the stove, I can re-stoke it and we'll get some more heating from the wood vs the forced air furnace.
Furnace still hasn't kicked on today. Between the bright sun and the indoor temp and milder outside it has been pleasant here at the casa. And hey, saving a few cents of natural gas and electricity in the process.
Brain kind of in overdrive after watching this over a late lunch:
inCommon with Mike Leonard: Creativity from The Telling Well on Vimeo.
Tied in with the whole creative process, the ideas, the thoughts that flow and the ability/desire to get them down. Why? I'm not sure.
Lately I suppose the words haven't been insanely positive or up beat, but they've been real. Too raw? I Dunno, that's what this web log has always been about.
Thinking about teaching the class, the thoughts are now that we have the people in the class, lets give them a better glimpse of me, no not showing them this, no. Showing them first one of the Dirtwire highlight reels from one of the races. I can't remember which one it was that was short but had everything in it that was essentially CX. It was from this season so I should be able to find it I suppose. And then pull out the old Woods Hole talk.
I've had a big creative push lately, despite the added stress of the class, and I think that's been helping. Nanoscape is reaching out a bit more, the images have having an impact and I've given some new people a glimpse, an insite, to the process. One person on friday actually had me realize this thing is a real thing. I have moved on from just looking at random stuff under the scope and taking these one off images.
Through the process of forcing myself to think about these images as "collections" i've worked more almost now unconsciously at creating cohesive groups of images, all striking and stand alone but grouped logically and topically together. The story line for each set winds up being effortless.
It is a part of the imaging process I've never really focused on outside of art class. And even there in classes, my idiotic bias against art history kept me from the opportunity to develop my own senior collection as an undergrad.
I have to still go shopping today, kind of dreading it, mostly because of what tomorrow brings. That said the patriots aren't playing so that's gonna be a bit less crazy but it is still an event. But you know all the commercials will be on youtube Monday, so what's the point? Other than to watch Manning get crushed? Not sure. Last year I think I spent the day cooking. Maybe I should again this time. We haven't made pizza in a while. Perhaps tomorrow we do GeWilli style pizza, brush off the dough making skill set.
I wanted to write about Mira, but feel maybe it is best to let that rest and wait. I dissagreed with someone on the internet, also turns out I may have a different interpretation of the neurological processes, but then I work with brain people pretty much every day and have sat in on a huge pile of neurological research in the last 10 years, maybe a different perspective than others. I could be wrong but hey, i just gave up, deleted all my comments and went on from there.
Sitting in the shower, after watching the Prine doc, I had the urge to do a Dirtwire/Cz style documentary with my family about Magical Strings, about the music, why we're still doing it 38 or so years later, why we all come back... but I don't have the interview skills to pose the questions, nor the equipment to record or edit the footage. Maybe though it can happen somehow. Mix in footage from the live show, backstage, traveling on the Ferry Boats, driving, up late drinking and playing dominos. I do have a miniDV tape laying around of us playing dominos and drinking 12-14 years ago, would be funny to drag some of that footage in there. We've had news crews do full TV interviews 30+ years ago, finding that footage would be super cool. But then now I'm pushing into the realm of professional production levels, CBS Sunday Morning kind of stuff.
Ideas though, have lots, write them down, maybe if you get a tiny percentage fulfilled you're still overwhelmed.
Lecture for Monday is going to be different, I mentioned talking about me a bit and what makes me and defines me. I'm also not going to use powerpoint, or have notes available. I will don't worry, give them some supplemental reading that will compliment my whiteboard show.
Going to be re-releasing a few prints too. Because some folks wanted one or two that sold out very quickly.
but time now for shopping... food procuring, ideas for meals now need to take over...
today very much a reset, I could have gone for a ride with others, but also, more than the ride, i needed the rest. The down time.
time to pick up the pace, half a day of relaxing isn't so bad.
heddwch
G
over taxed kid got a bit under the weather, opted to skip the morning activities, rendering an oddly quiet day here. I even took a nap. I know I was tired because I had a shit ton of coffee yesterday before 1pm and by 3pm I was physically exhausted (but still shoveled then made dinner, built fire, screwed around on internet) and finally almost literally passed out. Only to wake up at 2am, with the thought "Hey maybe there are still coals in the stove, I can re-stoke it and we'll get some more heating from the wood vs the forced air furnace.
Furnace still hasn't kicked on today. Between the bright sun and the indoor temp and milder outside it has been pleasant here at the casa. And hey, saving a few cents of natural gas and electricity in the process.
Brain kind of in overdrive after watching this over a late lunch:
inCommon with Mike Leonard: Creativity from The Telling Well on Vimeo.
Tied in with the whole creative process, the ideas, the thoughts that flow and the ability/desire to get them down. Why? I'm not sure.
Lately I suppose the words haven't been insanely positive or up beat, but they've been real. Too raw? I Dunno, that's what this web log has always been about.
Thinking about teaching the class, the thoughts are now that we have the people in the class, lets give them a better glimpse of me, no not showing them this, no. Showing them first one of the Dirtwire highlight reels from one of the races. I can't remember which one it was that was short but had everything in it that was essentially CX. It was from this season so I should be able to find it I suppose. And then pull out the old Woods Hole talk.
I've had a big creative push lately, despite the added stress of the class, and I think that's been helping. Nanoscape is reaching out a bit more, the images have having an impact and I've given some new people a glimpse, an insite, to the process. One person on friday actually had me realize this thing is a real thing. I have moved on from just looking at random stuff under the scope and taking these one off images.
Through the process of forcing myself to think about these images as "collections" i've worked more almost now unconsciously at creating cohesive groups of images, all striking and stand alone but grouped logically and topically together. The story line for each set winds up being effortless.
It is a part of the imaging process I've never really focused on outside of art class. And even there in classes, my idiotic bias against art history kept me from the opportunity to develop my own senior collection as an undergrad.
I have to still go shopping today, kind of dreading it, mostly because of what tomorrow brings. That said the patriots aren't playing so that's gonna be a bit less crazy but it is still an event. But you know all the commercials will be on youtube Monday, so what's the point? Other than to watch Manning get crushed? Not sure. Last year I think I spent the day cooking. Maybe I should again this time. We haven't made pizza in a while. Perhaps tomorrow we do GeWilli style pizza, brush off the dough making skill set.
I wanted to write about Mira, but feel maybe it is best to let that rest and wait. I dissagreed with someone on the internet, also turns out I may have a different interpretation of the neurological processes, but then I work with brain people pretty much every day and have sat in on a huge pile of neurological research in the last 10 years, maybe a different perspective than others. I could be wrong but hey, i just gave up, deleted all my comments and went on from there.
Sitting in the shower, after watching the Prine doc, I had the urge to do a Dirtwire/Cz style documentary with my family about Magical Strings, about the music, why we're still doing it 38 or so years later, why we all come back... but I don't have the interview skills to pose the questions, nor the equipment to record or edit the footage. Maybe though it can happen somehow. Mix in footage from the live show, backstage, traveling on the Ferry Boats, driving, up late drinking and playing dominos. I do have a miniDV tape laying around of us playing dominos and drinking 12-14 years ago, would be funny to drag some of that footage in there. We've had news crews do full TV interviews 30+ years ago, finding that footage would be super cool. But then now I'm pushing into the realm of professional production levels, CBS Sunday Morning kind of stuff.
Ideas though, have lots, write them down, maybe if you get a tiny percentage fulfilled you're still overwhelmed.
Lecture for Monday is going to be different, I mentioned talking about me a bit and what makes me and defines me. I'm also not going to use powerpoint, or have notes available. I will don't worry, give them some supplemental reading that will compliment my whiteboard show.
Going to be re-releasing a few prints too. Because some folks wanted one or two that sold out very quickly.
but time now for shopping... food procuring, ideas for meals now need to take over...
today very much a reset, I could have gone for a ride with others, but also, more than the ride, i needed the rest. The down time.
time to pick up the pace, half a day of relaxing isn't so bad.
heddwch
G
Thursday, February 04, 2016
triggers....
a night full of them, non-stop.
Heck maybe it started this morning with Orange Juice and went down hill from there? Who's to say, maybe the missing book and the lack of parts to fix a busted scope are all inter-related, conspiring to make my day super shitty.
Heck maybe it started this morning with Orange Juice and went down hill from there? Who's to say, maybe the missing book and the lack of parts to fix a busted scope are all inter-related, conspiring to make my day super shitty.
Tuesday, February 02, 2016
Ass. Kicked.
Tuesday night indoor smackdown was brutal tonight.
Why? Well I came up with a workout that hurt. Where did I get the workout from? Not sure really. Kind of from here/there/everywhere a synthesis of yeah that makes sense and should provide target goals for an hour long workout.
Okay it went 65 minutes today.
Music nailed down, so that was good.
15 min warm up, excessive? no not for this one.
then two blocks of 15 min, sprint out of the saddle hard as you can for 10 seconds, then settle into tempo for 50 seconds. 15 sprints, 15 min of tempo, 5 min rest between, repeat.
Holy crap that was a sneaky dickhead workout. I crushed me.
But one workout a week coupled with commuting seems about right right now. Need to get a Hundo in soon. Desperately. For so many reasons.
Weather has been great but I've been totally unable to ride when it is nice other than to and from work. So Tuesday nights are good.
Batteries? Charged to the max after the class. So many amazing kids in there, the class is going to be good. It will be a shit ton of work but it will be good. But too much coffee left me a bit restless last night, sleepless and today was a bit of a struggle, but made it through, should sleep well tonight if past is predictor, because i'm toasted. BUT - tonight's workout was so hard and legs so thrashed that I could revert into the "hey we're your legs and you shredded us today so we're going to make sure you don't sleep again tonight" ugh
The battery thing. Almost like i'm an electric car with a very visual display of battery power, I've become very much more aware of it, and can actually sense the recharge, and the worst, feel the drain. Finding the balance, but tonight's trainer session was a good recharge. Although I can't move off the couch, I feel good.
It has been a struggle. So much good, so much thankful for, but in the same hand almost so much that creates such a drain, a struggle, conflict, and challenges.
One thing i've noticed more is perception and i see people differently, their potential... and those who have something special, and a harmonic that fits with something. Even when I couldn't figure out why it was a match but I kind of knew it and helped open some doors and they often find themselves. It has happened quite a few very memorable times - noting people's personalities, matching them up, setting them up introducing them and a handful of them are actually still married and have kids. More lately a student has shown a brilliant understanding and adaptation to techniques with the microscopes, since getting to know this person more I can see patterns and trends that I know i struggled with and counseling/advice sessions have been good for them - finding solutions and ways to turn stuff around in a positive manner.
I think while 'Stas had a huge positive influence this past fall regarding this, it really started to sink in, specifically, in '09/10 when Syl, who's a pro with the brain analysis shit, suggested that the only way to overcome our mental challenges is to figure out how to harness them and use them to our advantage.
All this extra work with the neuro department, answering questions with the scopes on topics that range from addiction to ALS.
Today Nanoscape the entity and the person worked with people who've never seen the process, and it was total recharge. Images are up on the Faceplace place (Like it already damnit - i wanna hit 300 likes for some reason, not that many but sort of a number that is better than 2whatever it is now).
But the brain, so complicated so amazing. Yes, I'm still working through the last couple chapters of Oliver Sacks book, and damn what an amazing book. SO good. Too many amazings, sorry.
Things good? I dunno. Things are. Right now is the first just me time, and I"m writing.
I'd say something about the motors in bikes or dopers retroactively caught but do those take away from cycling? from Cyclocross? More importantly do they take away from my relationship and return from it?
No.
Not. At. All.
Life's crazy. Life is strange.
Join me in Providence for the next Tuesday Night Indoor Smackdown.
or yeah who knows
i'm tired but am afraid i won't be able to sleep
heddwch
G
Why? Well I came up with a workout that hurt. Where did I get the workout from? Not sure really. Kind of from here/there/everywhere a synthesis of yeah that makes sense and should provide target goals for an hour long workout.
Okay it went 65 minutes today.
Music nailed down, so that was good.
15 min warm up, excessive? no not for this one.
then two blocks of 15 min, sprint out of the saddle hard as you can for 10 seconds, then settle into tempo for 50 seconds. 15 sprints, 15 min of tempo, 5 min rest between, repeat.
Holy crap that was a sneaky dickhead workout. I crushed me.
But one workout a week coupled with commuting seems about right right now. Need to get a Hundo in soon. Desperately. For so many reasons.
Weather has been great but I've been totally unable to ride when it is nice other than to and from work. So Tuesday nights are good.
Batteries? Charged to the max after the class. So many amazing kids in there, the class is going to be good. It will be a shit ton of work but it will be good. But too much coffee left me a bit restless last night, sleepless and today was a bit of a struggle, but made it through, should sleep well tonight if past is predictor, because i'm toasted. BUT - tonight's workout was so hard and legs so thrashed that I could revert into the "hey we're your legs and you shredded us today so we're going to make sure you don't sleep again tonight" ugh
The battery thing. Almost like i'm an electric car with a very visual display of battery power, I've become very much more aware of it, and can actually sense the recharge, and the worst, feel the drain. Finding the balance, but tonight's trainer session was a good recharge. Although I can't move off the couch, I feel good.
It has been a struggle. So much good, so much thankful for, but in the same hand almost so much that creates such a drain, a struggle, conflict, and challenges.
One thing i've noticed more is perception and i see people differently, their potential... and those who have something special, and a harmonic that fits with something. Even when I couldn't figure out why it was a match but I kind of knew it and helped open some doors and they often find themselves. It has happened quite a few very memorable times - noting people's personalities, matching them up, setting them up introducing them and a handful of them are actually still married and have kids. More lately a student has shown a brilliant understanding and adaptation to techniques with the microscopes, since getting to know this person more I can see patterns and trends that I know i struggled with and counseling/advice sessions have been good for them - finding solutions and ways to turn stuff around in a positive manner.
I think while 'Stas had a huge positive influence this past fall regarding this, it really started to sink in, specifically, in '09/10 when Syl, who's a pro with the brain analysis shit, suggested that the only way to overcome our mental challenges is to figure out how to harness them and use them to our advantage.
All this extra work with the neuro department, answering questions with the scopes on topics that range from addiction to ALS.
Today Nanoscape the entity and the person worked with people who've never seen the process, and it was total recharge. Images are up on the Faceplace place (Like it already damnit - i wanna hit 300 likes for some reason, not that many but sort of a number that is better than 2whatever it is now).
But the brain, so complicated so amazing. Yes, I'm still working through the last couple chapters of Oliver Sacks book, and damn what an amazing book. SO good. Too many amazings, sorry.
Things good? I dunno. Things are. Right now is the first just me time, and I"m writing.
I'd say something about the motors in bikes or dopers retroactively caught but do those take away from cycling? from Cyclocross? More importantly do they take away from my relationship and return from it?
No.
Not. At. All.
Life's crazy. Life is strange.
Join me in Providence for the next Tuesday Night Indoor Smackdown.
or yeah who knows
i'm tired but am afraid i won't be able to sleep
heddwch
G
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Worlds are decided...
There are a few more races on the calendar, but more or less we're done. With CX. As a sport/season.
Time to move on.
I've had moments of "I NEED TO WRITE NOW" actually lots of them since last odd long worded post, but never quite the right opportunity to get these thoughts down. And most of all the thoughts are gone.
Between waking up for Worlds and Indoor Soccer games and being up late for winter formals and stuff, sleep has been elusive this weekend. Instead of writing here I should be outlining the lecture for tomorrow. But this feels more important and better not to put off, or wait. I have time tomorrow morning to work on the lecture. #wingit.
Watching worlds was amazing. Even the U23 race, wow. And then pinning hopes on hopes that Mani would win and then LVDH, the two little rabid pitbulls of the sport, but they finished second, well deserved and well earned and that's no slouch but we'd have been out of this orbit if they had won.
I almost tweeted that maybe Meg M's presence at worlds would be like the triple crown, a lucky charm. But no, Mani couldn't quite hold on, sort of like Lars, but hey, brilliant ride and it takes nothing away from either of them.
I could go on at lengths about my feelings about the race, how it hurts to hear everyone bully Cant about her emotional outbursts, but most have similar feelings and most have watched it all, no need to rehash here.
Rehashing the words from last post over and over, read it a couple times, no urge to change it all but it is also true. Should I be that honest about it all? Maybe not, but then if i wasn't then what's the point?
it was with great ambition that I started writing but now i am doing it an have fallen asleep twice. might take that as a sign that I should take a nap instead of writing.
more later
heddwch
G
Time to move on.
I've had moments of "I NEED TO WRITE NOW" actually lots of them since last odd long worded post, but never quite the right opportunity to get these thoughts down. And most of all the thoughts are gone.
Between waking up for Worlds and Indoor Soccer games and being up late for winter formals and stuff, sleep has been elusive this weekend. Instead of writing here I should be outlining the lecture for tomorrow. But this feels more important and better not to put off, or wait. I have time tomorrow morning to work on the lecture. #wingit.
Watching worlds was amazing. Even the U23 race, wow. And then pinning hopes on hopes that Mani would win and then LVDH, the two little rabid pitbulls of the sport, but they finished second, well deserved and well earned and that's no slouch but we'd have been out of this orbit if they had won.
I almost tweeted that maybe Meg M's presence at worlds would be like the triple crown, a lucky charm. But no, Mani couldn't quite hold on, sort of like Lars, but hey, brilliant ride and it takes nothing away from either of them.
I could go on at lengths about my feelings about the race, how it hurts to hear everyone bully Cant about her emotional outbursts, but most have similar feelings and most have watched it all, no need to rehash here.
Rehashing the words from last post over and over, read it a couple times, no urge to change it all but it is also true. Should I be that honest about it all? Maybe not, but then if i wasn't then what's the point?
it was with great ambition that I started writing but now i am doing it an have fallen asleep twice. might take that as a sign that I should take a nap instead of writing.
more later
heddwch
G
Friday, January 29, 2016
twitter replies I shouldn't make
running commentary i suppose, [translation - run the fuck away and don't read anything else - you've been warned]
This first - the other i wrote first but better put this first.
https://twitter.com/WholeFoods/status/693222121909161989
Oh yeah - low salt? Healthy? Healthy for those in your will because you're gonna die.
Biologists know this shit, nutritionists and doctors don't. Sodium is fucking essential. Low sodium diet? yeah lets see if we can kill you sooner. Also well, there are a good growing number of ignored (by psuedoscience places like WF) papers proving and pointing out that low sodium diets result in higher mortality. Also hey, lets look at osmolarity. Does sugar aka glucose tweak osmolarity? Maybe. Or not sure, it is all sodium, because, wait, what? Nah, sugar can't be the problem because I like baked goods and all that stuff, lets vilify the savory thing that isn't addictive. Also can we lump all the "this is healthy because it is low in fat" asshole and dimwhitted morons into the same boat as the salt is bad for you group? Sorry but hey read this: http://profgrant.com/2016/01/29/understanding-glucagon-and-somatostatin-28/ if you can't undestand it then you shouldn't be #1 giving advice, #2 listening to anyone who can't read it and then distill it into terms you might be able to understand. Am I being excessively harsh? Perhaps. I've had a rough fucking week and my levels of fucks to give are at zero and this has been bugging me for a long time and the damn burst.
This first - the other i wrote first but better put this first.
https://twitter.com/WholeFoods/status/693222121909161989
Oh yeah - low salt? Healthy? Healthy for those in your will because you're gonna die.
Biologists know this shit, nutritionists and doctors don't. Sodium is fucking essential. Low sodium diet? yeah lets see if we can kill you sooner. Also well, there are a good growing number of ignored (by psuedoscience places like WF) papers proving and pointing out that low sodium diets result in higher mortality. Also hey, lets look at osmolarity. Does sugar aka glucose tweak osmolarity? Maybe. Or not sure, it is all sodium, because, wait, what? Nah, sugar can't be the problem because I like baked goods and all that stuff, lets vilify the savory thing that isn't addictive. Also can we lump all the "this is healthy because it is low in fat" asshole and dimwhitted morons into the same boat as the salt is bad for you group? Sorry but hey read this: http://profgrant.com/2016/01/29/understanding-glucagon-and-somatostatin-28/ if you can't undestand it then you shouldn't be #1 giving advice, #2 listening to anyone who can't read it and then distill it into terms you might be able to understand. Am I being excessively harsh? Perhaps. I've had a rough fucking week and my levels of fucks to give are at zero and this has been bugging me for a long time and the damn burst.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
remarkable day i suppose
Nice ride in, wheel didn't break like it did yesterday. So that was nice to know the new wheel i put on has survived at least one round trip, pretty okay for being pulled out of the trash, granted with studded tires and the janky geometry of the Croll, i probably can't tell much anyway.
Really odd start, last night was super rough, set off edge and plummeted. The Introvert batteries are dead, and that means a mostly depressed emotional state. I was pretty high, doing well, after Tuesday's indoor session. Last night, shit just kind of got off the rails a bit. Keeping the sphere of influence essentially totally self contained but that's only because I'm really well practiced at that. Woke up at 2:30 super happy, awake and thinking "AWESOME that was quick, bounced back Today is gonna be a good day!" Then i realized it was 2:30 and that euphoria vanished not to return.
Really odd start, last night was super rough, set off edge and plummeted. The Introvert batteries are dead, and that means a mostly depressed emotional state. I was pretty high, doing well, after Tuesday's indoor session. Last night, shit just kind of got off the rails a bit. Keeping the sphere of influence essentially totally self contained but that's only because I'm really well practiced at that. Woke up at 2:30 super happy, awake and thinking "AWESOME that was quick, bounced back Today is gonna be a good day!" Then i realized it was 2:30 and that euphoria vanished not to return.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
flurries
of words...
tipped off by off innocuous things.
seriously, you don't want to click read more unless you have insomnia, then you'll be asleep soon
tipped off by off innocuous things.
seriously, you don't want to click read more unless you have insomnia, then you'll be asleep soon
Sunday, January 17, 2016
so totally going to hide last post
By coupling these two pieces i read today.
first I read this, and thought, man that totally fucks with every single Premier League Soccer director's speech.
Follow that up with this and I'm like wow, I'm not a coach, I'm not an elite athlete, hell I don't even consider myself an athlete when faced with the age group guys who finished on the lead lap and I was 3 down on Wed at nationals, BUT HOLY FUCK I KNOW WHAT OTS IS LIKE. Why? Because I listen, and pay attention, and read, and have pushed the envelope, and have friends who are way fucking smarter than me like solobreak.
But then there is this, and every fucking word resonated with me. Because for the dancer, it has given her all this and more.
So yeah.
Time for GeWilli has past. Close that book. Final chapter has been written, an also ran in an age group of freaks and super athletes. Give me 4 or 6 years and maybe I'll be able to afford a dedicated SSCX bike, and rededicate myself to this sport, till then? Just gonna ride my fucking bike.
Granted, the only one that is rideable right now is the Garbage Truck. The bikes that went to Nationals are still in pieces, and nothing else is ready to roll. Haven't even done any laundry since returning. Too sick.
Time to cook though. collab idea from Jess Cutler, should be good.
heddwch
G
first I read this, and thought, man that totally fucks with every single Premier League Soccer director's speech.
Follow that up with this and I'm like wow, I'm not a coach, I'm not an elite athlete, hell I don't even consider myself an athlete when faced with the age group guys who finished on the lead lap and I was 3 down on Wed at nationals, BUT HOLY FUCK I KNOW WHAT OTS IS LIKE. Why? Because I listen, and pay attention, and read, and have pushed the envelope, and have friends who are way fucking smarter than me like solobreak.
But then there is this, and every fucking word resonated with me. Because for the dancer, it has given her all this and more.
So yeah.
Time for GeWilli has past. Close that book. Final chapter has been written, an also ran in an age group of freaks and super athletes. Give me 4 or 6 years and maybe I'll be able to afford a dedicated SSCX bike, and rededicate myself to this sport, till then? Just gonna ride my fucking bike.
Granted, the only one that is rideable right now is the Garbage Truck. The bikes that went to Nationals are still in pieces, and nothing else is ready to roll. Haven't even done any laundry since returning. Too sick.
Time to cook though. collab idea from Jess Cutler, should be good.
heddwch
G
Thank you...
This post has been written a few times. The first draft deleted and abandoned completely. The second draft got way to involved in thanking each person in detail and then the thank yous got way too personal, even for GeWilli on this insane blog where i am insane and you all know that.
I will leave in the part where if these two read it and feel like listening to the words of thank you that I tried to share over coffee two years ago but maybe their misunderstanding or misassumption that the words I wanted to say over coffee were pure appreciation and gratitude but somehow this public but private struggle bus that I am wanted to say them face to face was intimidating or scary, it is understandable. But this anonymous call (even if i feel pretty certain neither reads this anymore) is the passive introvert way of reaching out one last time.
Speaking of introvert and passive and all that. GCD posted a link on Faceplace I agreed competely, then was struck but not surprised by Griggs's comment. He doesn't get it. Drove it home even more. I had an awesome time hanging out with Derek this past week. Love that guy to no end. We have lots in common, no shortage of things to talk about and absolutely nothing that we can't fill the gap without draining the introvert batteries. Yes, I can talk, and as long as I'm talking about stuff I'm passionate about, care about, I can talk at lengths. But make small talk? Meaningless fill? Not so good at that. Even with beers to fool the inner introvert.
Sidebar the size of my CX handlebars (46 c-c).
Okay now back to thank you for what? For Nationals. Thank you for the support, encouragement, the help, the support, the hugs, the faith, the love, the doughnuts, the beer, the everything.
For a guy who catalogs stuff he is given like rainman, but can't keep track of stuff he gives, it is an odd way to exist. It feels like I'm constantly and perpetually in debt (maybe life mimics finances in that way for me) perhaps i am living in perpetual debt on both sides. I dunno, somethings seem to suggest otherwise, but that's maybe a modest way of understanding the balance? Not sure. A minor awakening has happened this last year. Some would call it confidence gained, others? Just more GeWilli delusion. But what I'm hinting at is my blindness to my contribution. Yes that sounds cringingly narcissistic, but don't worry, not a chance it'll change me. Even if it should. But this balance, this equation. Syl pointed it out one time in an unrelated (but related) discussion on a ride. It is about personal perspective, about how you feel. But then how you feel may not reflect reality and what needs to change? How you perceive it? because if you have it pretty f'n awesome but perceive otherwise and you change it, man that's gonna suck. Or do you change your perspective and recognize the gifts you've been graced with?
Deep shit here at Introspection Section. Yeah. Taylor Jones and Adam Myerson aren't the only touchy emo assholes in CX. The list is long I think. Nature of the sport and how it developed in the USA.
I've rarely felt so alone as I did during CX nationals. On my own, totally and completely. But contrast with the total and complete support from friends and family that made it possible. Juxtaposition. Dichotomy. that should be my middle name.
But what I got out of the experience I think was worth ever ounce of personal sacrifice. And if i'd started the season sacrificing beer the whole year I might have gotten more out of it. But hey, room for improvement. Or some other super lame justification/rationalization.
I'm delaying writing the list of names, fear of missing someone super important is paralyzing. It would run pages and pages, but I'm going to try and focus in no order on people that my stupid asshole brain lights up as critical to the vision quest (trademarked by fatmarc).
My Wife - she gave up running a 5k a 10k a 1/2 marathon and a full marathon last weekend so I could go to nationals. That was her nationals, she gave me a give so burdened that I was unsure if I was worth it of it, certain I wasn't, but in the end so grateful for her sacrifice that allowed me to find out and discover.
Fatmarc :: VISION QUEST love you man
Negacoach - fuck you asshole, i love you too, and Thank you.
'Stas, IOW Maria Anastasia MacDonald your counsel this fall... thank you
Alfie, dude, words will never ever be able to express thanks for last week you're the best of the best
Megan, your assurances were enough to overwhelm my anxiety and that's not easy, thank you, and you over-reach the thanks, you're a rock star standing on your own two feet, i was happy to help in the limited capacity, your party was amazing congrats.
breaks right the fuck down now
everyone who bought prints, esp those who overpaid to my extreme embarrassment and total befuddlement, among potential readers: fox, cohen, chabot, kotter, JSL, williams, goldberg, brahmhall....
velocb, that fucking knucklehead, so encouraging and fucking positive, and sooo much needed.
Parsons - i'll never talk the same again
B-Mac, words from NoHo 2014 still cling to my heart, you're a special MoFo
Jared, Griggs, Pipp, Jenn, Kristen, HooptySteve, PaulyB, Pastry, Roti, BellLap, Kurt, Jena, Sickwhat, Myerson, ASG, the other Geoff, Wade, Bret, Meg, Al, Mukunda, Bill, Matt, Larry, fuuuuck this is the hard part... must keep listing names but new ones come as soon as I pause, but can't list them all... knowing that I do actually remember, it all (stupid elephant brain) please know that omissions are not deliberate
Those who reached out and broached the uncomfortable barrier and said hey to GeWilli, a special thank you.
So yeah.
I can't do better, I've tried, if I keep pushing it two paths lay ahead, fuck it up even more, or forget it completely, both are worse than this.
Please know that my temporal brain may have forgotten, but my heart never will. I suck at this, and will go back to writing more typical stuff soon.
As soon as I'm not sick anymore. So sick.
Got back, made it a day then my body said ahahahhaahahah FUCK YOU! But i'm better than I was last night, hoping to track similar improvement tomorrow night and be ready to throw down on Tuesday at NBX indoor. Too old to take more than a week off. INTERVALS!
so with that.
thank you,
love you all, so much,
thank you again, and again, and again, and again
heddwch
G
I will leave in the part where if these two read it and feel like listening to the words of thank you that I tried to share over coffee two years ago but maybe their misunderstanding or misassumption that the words I wanted to say over coffee were pure appreciation and gratitude but somehow this public but private struggle bus that I am wanted to say them face to face was intimidating or scary, it is understandable. But this anonymous call (even if i feel pretty certain neither reads this anymore) is the passive introvert way of reaching out one last time.
Speaking of introvert and passive and all that. GCD posted a link on Faceplace I agreed competely, then was struck but not surprised by Griggs's comment. He doesn't get it. Drove it home even more. I had an awesome time hanging out with Derek this past week. Love that guy to no end. We have lots in common, no shortage of things to talk about and absolutely nothing that we can't fill the gap without draining the introvert batteries. Yes, I can talk, and as long as I'm talking about stuff I'm passionate about, care about, I can talk at lengths. But make small talk? Meaningless fill? Not so good at that. Even with beers to fool the inner introvert.
Sidebar the size of my CX handlebars (46 c-c).
Okay now back to thank you for what? For Nationals. Thank you for the support, encouragement, the help, the support, the hugs, the faith, the love, the doughnuts, the beer, the everything.
For a guy who catalogs stuff he is given like rainman, but can't keep track of stuff he gives, it is an odd way to exist. It feels like I'm constantly and perpetually in debt (maybe life mimics finances in that way for me) perhaps i am living in perpetual debt on both sides. I dunno, somethings seem to suggest otherwise, but that's maybe a modest way of understanding the balance? Not sure. A minor awakening has happened this last year. Some would call it confidence gained, others? Just more GeWilli delusion. But what I'm hinting at is my blindness to my contribution. Yes that sounds cringingly narcissistic, but don't worry, not a chance it'll change me. Even if it should. But this balance, this equation. Syl pointed it out one time in an unrelated (but related) discussion on a ride. It is about personal perspective, about how you feel. But then how you feel may not reflect reality and what needs to change? How you perceive it? because if you have it pretty f'n awesome but perceive otherwise and you change it, man that's gonna suck. Or do you change your perspective and recognize the gifts you've been graced with?
Deep shit here at Introspection Section. Yeah. Taylor Jones and Adam Myerson aren't the only touchy emo assholes in CX. The list is long I think. Nature of the sport and how it developed in the USA.
I've rarely felt so alone as I did during CX nationals. On my own, totally and completely. But contrast with the total and complete support from friends and family that made it possible. Juxtaposition. Dichotomy. that should be my middle name.
But what I got out of the experience I think was worth ever ounce of personal sacrifice. And if i'd started the season sacrificing beer the whole year I might have gotten more out of it. But hey, room for improvement. Or some other super lame justification/rationalization.
I'm delaying writing the list of names, fear of missing someone super important is paralyzing. It would run pages and pages, but I'm going to try and focus in no order on people that my stupid asshole brain lights up as critical to the vision quest (trademarked by fatmarc).
My Wife - she gave up running a 5k a 10k a 1/2 marathon and a full marathon last weekend so I could go to nationals. That was her nationals, she gave me a give so burdened that I was unsure if I was worth it of it, certain I wasn't, but in the end so grateful for her sacrifice that allowed me to find out and discover.
Fatmarc :: VISION QUEST love you man
Negacoach - fuck you asshole, i love you too, and Thank you.
'Stas, IOW Maria Anastasia MacDonald your counsel this fall... thank you
Alfie, dude, words will never ever be able to express thanks for last week you're the best of the best
Megan, your assurances were enough to overwhelm my anxiety and that's not easy, thank you, and you over-reach the thanks, you're a rock star standing on your own two feet, i was happy to help in the limited capacity, your party was amazing congrats.
breaks right the fuck down now
everyone who bought prints, esp those who overpaid to my extreme embarrassment and total befuddlement, among potential readers: fox, cohen, chabot, kotter, JSL, williams, goldberg, brahmhall....
velocb, that fucking knucklehead, so encouraging and fucking positive, and sooo much needed.
Parsons - i'll never talk the same again
B-Mac, words from NoHo 2014 still cling to my heart, you're a special MoFo
Jared, Griggs, Pipp, Jenn, Kristen, HooptySteve, PaulyB, Pastry, Roti, BellLap, Kurt, Jena, Sickwhat, Myerson, ASG, the other Geoff, Wade, Bret, Meg, Al, Mukunda, Bill, Matt, Larry, fuuuuck this is the hard part... must keep listing names but new ones come as soon as I pause, but can't list them all... knowing that I do actually remember, it all (stupid elephant brain) please know that omissions are not deliberate
Those who reached out and broached the uncomfortable barrier and said hey to GeWilli, a special thank you.
So yeah.
I can't do better, I've tried, if I keep pushing it two paths lay ahead, fuck it up even more, or forget it completely, both are worse than this.
Please know that my temporal brain may have forgotten, but my heart never will. I suck at this, and will go back to writing more typical stuff soon.
As soon as I'm not sick anymore. So sick.
Got back, made it a day then my body said ahahahhaahahah FUCK YOU! But i'm better than I was last night, hoping to track similar improvement tomorrow night and be ready to throw down on Tuesday at NBX indoor. Too old to take more than a week off. INTERVALS!
so with that.
thank you,
love you all, so much,
thank you again, and again, and again, and again
heddwch
G
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
It is over?
Already?
So soon
What to write, so much.
What am i feeling compelled to document now?
the simple fact that riding to work and home felt effortless, like things have clicked, are working well.
Fluid. is the best way to describe how it felt.
Riding the garbage truck today with studded tires (snow and ice and the other two bikes are still packed up and single speeded - in the car, still, yes, in the car).
Feels good, different than it did on the last commute.
Effort more effortless.
Season is over but i'm even more resolved to hold on to the marginal gains i've made, forge forward to work to keep them and build on them perhaps for next year.
Cyclocross is something different all together. Can't really explain it.
Another thing I can't explain is how much I appreciate the support and love from everyone. Emotional support, physical support, places to stay, dinners, beers, words exchanged, emotions and jokes shared, life revealed and friends... so many friends.
A proper write up is needed. One that describes my redemption moment in the SSCX race, how proud i am to land that result. How insanely awesome it was to see Todd's kid Anna crush it for a lead lap finish, how Andrew Lints was THE animator as the DFL (from out POV) with his Droppah Post and Jorts in the U23 race, just how awesome it all came together. There were plenty of doubts moments of "this feels odd and uncomfortable' but i pushed through them and was rewarded.
Cliff notes version I suppose is I went on a vision quest, a dumb one, (they all are really) and came away with what you always do from true VQs. A better understanding of oneself. A stronger version, surviving personal trials and struggles. Not surprisingly still a couple buckets full of guilt for how generous people were, how inadequate i felt in face of such ability to give and generosity and willingness to do so. Every opportunity i was asked i fulfilled to my best ability. But Wed morning. Overcome repeatedly, good handful of times, overwhelmed by just how much people were willing to do to help me.
Anyway.
Proper post this line of thinking deserves.
Day one back at work wrapped up with a good handful of disasters. Some puzzling developments and some super exciting ones.
Time to sleep i suppose. Time to write is precious and far between at the moment, but hopefully with time soon, it will settle and i can expound on themes i desperately want to flesh out and get into.
till then, heddwch and thank you
GeWilli
So soon
What to write, so much.
What am i feeling compelled to document now?
the simple fact that riding to work and home felt effortless, like things have clicked, are working well.
Fluid. is the best way to describe how it felt.
Riding the garbage truck today with studded tires (snow and ice and the other two bikes are still packed up and single speeded - in the car, still, yes, in the car).
Feels good, different than it did on the last commute.
Effort more effortless.
Season is over but i'm even more resolved to hold on to the marginal gains i've made, forge forward to work to keep them and build on them perhaps for next year.
Cyclocross is something different all together. Can't really explain it.
Another thing I can't explain is how much I appreciate the support and love from everyone. Emotional support, physical support, places to stay, dinners, beers, words exchanged, emotions and jokes shared, life revealed and friends... so many friends.
A proper write up is needed. One that describes my redemption moment in the SSCX race, how proud i am to land that result. How insanely awesome it was to see Todd's kid Anna crush it for a lead lap finish, how Andrew Lints was THE animator as the DFL (from out POV) with his Droppah Post and Jorts in the U23 race, just how awesome it all came together. There were plenty of doubts moments of "this feels odd and uncomfortable' but i pushed through them and was rewarded.
Cliff notes version I suppose is I went on a vision quest, a dumb one, (they all are really) and came away with what you always do from true VQs. A better understanding of oneself. A stronger version, surviving personal trials and struggles. Not surprisingly still a couple buckets full of guilt for how generous people were, how inadequate i felt in face of such ability to give and generosity and willingness to do so. Every opportunity i was asked i fulfilled to my best ability. But Wed morning. Overcome repeatedly, good handful of times, overwhelmed by just how much people were willing to do to help me.
Anyway.
Proper post this line of thinking deserves.
Day one back at work wrapped up with a good handful of disasters. Some puzzling developments and some super exciting ones.
Time to sleep i suppose. Time to write is precious and far between at the moment, but hopefully with time soon, it will settle and i can expound on themes i desperately want to flesh out and get into.
till then, heddwch and thank you
GeWilli
Thursday, January 07, 2016
one more race
Laying in bed, down here in Greenville, shit's pretty fucking fantastic. You know those friends you can just hang out with, even after like 15 years or 5 years like nothing has changed or you only saw them yesterday? Shit like just being totally comfortable even if you're not keeping up or talking much at all?
That. Here. AC's and his wife and family are amazing and it was really good to be here. Last night now. Pre-race routine one more time. But different. We've got a 2 something pm race instead of an 11:30 race. Food and fueling is different but fuck it. I got this shit. No, big, deal.
Make coffee, lots of coffee, make some b-fast sandwiches, maybe a couple PBJs f'n wing it and shit. Why not.
SSCX tomorrow.
Will be different mindset in the race knowing the 80% rule is going to royally fuck most of the people in the race.
Starting 9th row out of 19 rows means I have a better chance than the guys in row 19 but still... they nuked more than half the field all at once on Wed. And I started in row 9 that day too.
Only consolation is Jared won his non-champ race on a singlespeed turning slower laps than Pete the professional master Weber did.
Weather and parking are my big uncertainties. Parking being the one more worrisome. but fuckit. it is what it is and everyone else who didn't pony up a shit ton of money for a team/pro spot and isn't driving a VW has to deal with it too.
For daily, more story line of this trip check the Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ge_willi/ Not sure i'll have time to write about the races for a bit, but am trying to provide snapshot/documentation to a broad group of friends some on each of the three platforms that instaspam easily reaches.
Beer/calories now consumed. Sleep then early rise, drive with some tunes f'n CRANKED. We're gonna make this shit work. Somehow.
So sorry for not writing more here lately. I'll try and catch up with the content soon because, well, freaking Negacoach must not be getting much sleep without new content to read.
heddwch
G
That. Here. AC's and his wife and family are amazing and it was really good to be here. Last night now. Pre-race routine one more time. But different. We've got a 2 something pm race instead of an 11:30 race. Food and fueling is different but fuck it. I got this shit. No, big, deal.
Make coffee, lots of coffee, make some b-fast sandwiches, maybe a couple PBJs f'n wing it and shit. Why not.
SSCX tomorrow.
Will be different mindset in the race knowing the 80% rule is going to royally fuck most of the people in the race.
Starting 9th row out of 19 rows means I have a better chance than the guys in row 19 but still... they nuked more than half the field all at once on Wed. And I started in row 9 that day too.
Only consolation is Jared won his non-champ race on a singlespeed turning slower laps than Pete the professional master Weber did.
Weather and parking are my big uncertainties. Parking being the one more worrisome. but fuckit. it is what it is and everyone else who didn't pony up a shit ton of money for a team/pro spot and isn't driving a VW has to deal with it too.
For daily, more story line of this trip check the Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ge_willi/ Not sure i'll have time to write about the races for a bit, but am trying to provide snapshot/documentation to a broad group of friends some on each of the three platforms that instaspam easily reaches.
Beer/calories now consumed. Sleep then early rise, drive with some tunes f'n CRANKED. We're gonna make this shit work. Somehow.
So sorry for not writing more here lately. I'll try and catch up with the content soon because, well, freaking Negacoach must not be getting much sleep without new content to read.
heddwch
G
Sunday, January 03, 2016
Movin' on down the road
Closer by the minute.
Today I headed out to join the 'New England' Pro riding for a CT (not New England fwiw) bike company, the big C over at Haymarket Fit Studios.
I couldn't sleep last night. Dehydrated a bit maybe, maybe not enough beer, drank a ton of water at 1:30, finally was out at 2:30 but man fitful sleep until it was time to wake up.
Make coffee, chug, feel better, not 100%. Make peanut butter sandwich, eat on drive to studios in the plains. Which is not normal GeWilli you know that eat in the am when you're not hungry, but i was banking on maybe not turning around after 30 min (I should have - foreshadowing). I get on the highway right behind a Ted King doing 80+ (he drives as fast as he rides i guess) in a 65, wind up catching him at The Plains exit. Follow him until he's doing 45 in a 25 and decide i'm too old for this shit and slow down and grab a parking spot with a quick get away. Lots of people already there.
Today I headed out to join the 'New England' Pro riding for a CT (not New England fwiw) bike company, the big C over at Haymarket Fit Studios.
I couldn't sleep last night. Dehydrated a bit maybe, maybe not enough beer, drank a ton of water at 1:30, finally was out at 2:30 but man fitful sleep until it was time to wake up.
Make coffee, chug, feel better, not 100%. Make peanut butter sandwich, eat on drive to studios in the plains. Which is not normal GeWilli you know that eat in the am when you're not hungry, but i was banking on maybe not turning around after 30 min (I should have - foreshadowing). I get on the highway right behind a Ted King doing 80+ (he drives as fast as he rides i guess) in a 65, wind up catching him at The Plains exit. Follow him until he's doing 45 in a 25 and decide i'm too old for this shit and slow down and grab a parking spot with a quick get away. Lots of people already there.
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