Even with delays it is pretty antithetical to air travel. Relaxed, quiet, calm.
Found a seat in the quiet car. But person in seat behind me seems to be pounding away on a RTKelly mechanical keyboard. SMACKY SMACKY SMACKY arhythmic, loud, inconsistent. But there's some wifi so i'm trying to listen to music, because I don't have any DLd and don't want to stream (data boned).
It has been insanse lately. Even for me. But not bad, and as overwhelmed as I was I still hit the marks and got done what I needed to and when. There's still a weeks+ worth of stuff I'm going to have to add to an already full schedule over the next 2-6 weeks or how ever long it takes to catch back up.
This week? Sun-Today certainly feels like a week, packed full of stuff, was a good test, I guess I passed it? Copious and unending free beer and wine every day and almost every night. receptions, happy hours, tutorials, loose cannon, dogfish, all the local good stuff pouring freely. Finally figured out the safest way to order water that isn't flat is just to do club soda, asking for sparkling water often gets you sprite from a hot over worked bartender at a big event. Oh and decaf coffee that they had sunday night that I had so I could have something to drink besides lemonade and beer/wine probably wasn't decaf (wired for too long). Not a big deal though right? Actually kind of a big deal. Downside, no sidekick, no social extrovert friend to hang out with and help me engage in social situations, not drinking didn't change my social awkwardness, still didn't really talk to anyone I didn't already know, but it was surprisingly pretty okay being there just me, probably mostly because I was clear headed and sober and rational about it all and able to recognize that i was being me and I was happy and comfortable in my skin just being, not forcing, not feeling drunk and lonely and stupidly wanting to not be (the latter while the former).
The train was late, got some iced coffee, got a massive pile of cash on the credit card to hopefully get covered by the expense 'report' soon, but even then something like this before would have sent me over the freakout anxiety edge, I'm calm and clear about it. Kind of like a normal person. Although I'm not. Normal.
Before getting to the rest of the shit rolling around in my head I guess I'm fortunately it was beer and wine, if there was vodka sodas, I might have slipped, but there wasn't, easy.
The lead up to Baltimore was crazy, I manged to pack in a smackdown, not my fastest but not my slowest, but the one with the highest HR in a while and it didn't feel like it took much. Followed up that with the last TT on thursday. Posted up my best time of the summer, still not as fast as my fast years but still, something to go on and it felt much easier to go that hard, still hurt but I recovered much more quickly and the ride home wasn't as bad as it was the past couple times. So that built up, then I haven't touched the bike since Friday. Last week, the day after the TT.
This week I did bring running shoes, but didn't use them. I just walked everywhere. miles and miles. First miles from the station to the hotel, in the heat. Ouch, but not bad. Each day seemed to add more walking in the evening on top of all the walking up and down the massive floors at the convention center. No elevators, no escalators, stairs only this week. A hell of a lot of stairs. And lots of walking. Ready to get back on the bike though.
And about that bike, well I registered for G-ster. After some internal back and forth, and then discussing with E, well I signed up for one day, just saturday. And despite all my gut feelings I went with the 40+ field instead of the Cat 3s. Why? I dunno. Okay well the run down, time of the day, earlier is better, if I wind up being asked to work the pits well that doesn't put me racing the race before the elites, and I know most of the names on the back half of the race, actually in both of the races but somehow, felt despite being a lot closer to 50 than 40, well that's the place to sign up. I didn't sign up on Tuesday. I waited until Wed. There were 5 spots left in the 40+ race both days, and the cat 3s were maybe half full. Sign up for one, if needed I could probably get the race organizers to switch me out of the 40+ to get someone off the waitlist.
BUT HOLYSHIT I SIGNED UP FOR A CX RACE.
Kind of still thinking about racing Gary's new race, up there just past Bolton Orchards, a family outing before taking the oldest off to College.
I don't feel as old as I seem to indicate here in the last little bit. Feel younger than I have in a while, mostly due to not drinking I think. Maybe something else, either way, it feels good to not feel shitty.
Don't worry it still sucks to wake up and takes a good bit of time before I'm fully functional after getting out of bed.
One of the extra bit of crazy last week getting ready for the conference was getting some images ready for the Micrograph Competition. I picked what I felt were awesome images that had demonstrated some really slick and unique and challenging techniques and looked good. But it is a popularity contest a bit and well, the local folks won. Home field advantage in a popular vote contest is hard to overcome, no matter how much better your offering is.
So that was a bummer yesterday at the end of the day. But it was, and it is and well, maybe next year. But it was a good excuse to go through the process of printing and to validate the output process for color images. Maybe though I need to go back to the roots and the black and white if I go back to this one, or at least one of each. I do have the Thermo calendar contest coming up, and more importantly the Wheeler gallery show opening up in January. Maybe I can focus a bit more on getting into a few more galleries or work on a few more collections or the web page or there's plenty to do.
I've been pretty consistently posting on the Nanoscape instagram, it is growing, and it is me. My aesthetic is different than most of the other SEM artists, and yeah I'm not the only one. But I do it all differently.
Like most everything. There's the 'normal' way to do something and there is the 'GeWilli' way to do it.
So I guess I have to figure out how to get some CX back into the legs, and start figuring out what to do. Oh and back to the Gloucester, I only signed up for one day. I know I'm not anywhere in shape to be racing that race back to back days. One day, just pour everything into it, head home and then get ready for the week. Racing one day per weekend certainly seems to make more sense for now. Maybe I'll get back to a full schedule, maybe next year, but not now.
Riding the train is pretty awesome. Visual progress, but relaxed, stuff is happening as you roll past, miles rolling away, greener, waste lands, razor wire, crumbling old stuff, new skylines in the distance, something different about the train.
Maybe it is a reminder of college, taking the N.E. Regional back and forth from New London CT to DC.
Maybe I'll write more later, I did manage to swap sides of the train so crazy keyboard smashing lady isn't directly behind me, maybe it'll be quieter here on this side.
and at least now I'll be on the water side through CT. Very important part of the trip.
But we just pulled out of Philadelphia, there's a long way to go before that, and I didn't bring food with me, wondering if i can make it on black coffee alone today. So far so good but it is only 11:40am.
I wonder if we'll pass the same rail car that was at one point full of Modelo cans, cases and cases spilled out, open, consumed, and all just sitting there on the tracks hobo dream. If you're a hobo that likes 90 degree beer. And just so much trash everywhere and awesome graffiti.
Well, once/if the WiFi comes back on I'll post, at the moment there's nothing. Comes and goes, but Google play is doing a nice job of building a dropout tolerant stream of music.
Hope y'all are well, I'll try and not be so infrequent between postings, but not so frequent that I'll load up a bunch today on the train, (but no promises)
heddwch
G
Thursday, August 09, 2018
Thursday, July 05, 2018
Smackdown/meltdown/TT
So this whole bike riding thing.
Guess what happens when you don't ride much, and when you do ride it is to and from work only.
It sucks when you get dropped. Frustrating, demoralizing. I added a bit of a description to the strava stuff, call those mini-blogs in a way I guess.
Last week on Smackdown we hit the dirt, I kept getting dropped/gapped off. I just couldn't pedal hard enough to keep up, and my heart rate no matter how much I pushed it wouldn't go over 148. I think that's called fatigue. And yeah. I was f'n exhausted.
This week I got the HR up but died on Pine. Predictably. It was hot, we talked all the way to Prospect, I was riding with big Tom up front and my HR was at 155 (max has been 170 or so lately maybe a few higher but not significantly). And yeah it was hot out. I died on Pine and could see them there and started chasing, but couldn't make up ground and couldn't even go as fast as I did on the Crockett with the knobbies three weeks ago. I didn't take any short cuts and just rode it out myself.
And I know why, but still bummed. I don't know how much of it is the bike. Is the Klein really just old and slow? Would the black blue (carbon CX) that i've ridden all over everywhere as a road bike and seemed to be pretty good as a road bike, but languishing w/o a crank be any faster? I don't know.
I don't like not knowing btw. Don't like that it is sitting there unrideable. I sort of looked at what a new road frame might cost, there's an emonda for $400 or so, but then i could buy fancy light wheels for the crockett for the same price. But not going to buy stuff, mostly because, I know it isn't the stuff that's slow. It is me.
I just need to ride.
I thought about it yesterday but it was so hot, bike path was super busy and I was tired. Dogs woke me up at 5am this morning, after being hot pads in bed due to fireworks going off until about 11pm or later. Finally kicked them out and fell asleep. Woke up, figured I might as well head in early and get a jump on catching up at the bike shop then head to the office for the late morning meeting. Woke up, made coffee, laid down in bed to drink coffee and catch up on overnight IG and internets and fell back asleep, woken up when E left for work and then instantly back asleep. oops. yeah i'm tired. still.
I wasn't quite prepared for how fucked up the crappy feelings from the ride left me. Also the ride really fucked up my hip/back/muscle/I dunno on my right side.
It is fine unless I go for a hard ride. So not only did the ride suck I was in pain and holy shit it was bad. Yeah I need to go see my D.O. get some OMM and diagnose the source/problem find a solution.
Instead of riding yesterday I read. finished the 3rd book in the Myke Cole Shadow Ops series. And started book 2 of a different series. Didn't really do much, needed that.
needed the sleep.
And that brings me to the TT tonight. Bikeworks is starting it up again.
But it is going to be over 90, the TT bike isn't set up, and I'm still tired. Somewhat tempted to just ride over and ride home, but even that sounds pretty exhausting. That and I've got the Crossrip+ and no kit. Would have to go home and swap it all. half tempted to charge the bike up and ride it out there, but that's sort of defeating the purpose of riding and getting fit. That and if I go and ride it and feel like shit then get dropped riding home (that I know will happen) I just will feel miserable again and I don't know if that's worth it. And I still have all the stuff I needed to do instead of sleeping to get done. Maybe next week. Maybe it won't be 900thousand degrees next week. Although fast air. Mmmmm.
I keep thinking, man I should just get a coach to help get me in shape. But I know what I need to do. I need to just ride, find a comfortable base, then build on that. It is going to take time. And I just have to make time. I'll add it to the list.
But hey, I'm still on the bike most days, and that's pretty awesome. The commute is amazing and so what if I am not as fast as I once was, maybe I'm now as slow as I ever was.
Yes I need to focus on the positive but it isn't like flipping a switch and that line from Furtado's interview kind of rings true, "...that your run-of-the-mill pep talk isn't helping." And some stuff isn't totally under control. And I slip a bit. Two steps forward, one step back, doubting myself constantly.
Okay - This disjuncted interrupted mess of words has gone on too long and my tiny windows of time have closed at this spot- And if i don't move on i'll be stuck here dealing with stuff for another 3hrs, stuff that can wait.
Don't mind me, i'll figure this shit out eventually. or at least learn along the way
heddwch
G
Guess what happens when you don't ride much, and when you do ride it is to and from work only.
It sucks when you get dropped. Frustrating, demoralizing. I added a bit of a description to the strava stuff, call those mini-blogs in a way I guess.
Last week on Smackdown we hit the dirt, I kept getting dropped/gapped off. I just couldn't pedal hard enough to keep up, and my heart rate no matter how much I pushed it wouldn't go over 148. I think that's called fatigue. And yeah. I was f'n exhausted.
This week I got the HR up but died on Pine. Predictably. It was hot, we talked all the way to Prospect, I was riding with big Tom up front and my HR was at 155 (max has been 170 or so lately maybe a few higher but not significantly). And yeah it was hot out. I died on Pine and could see them there and started chasing, but couldn't make up ground and couldn't even go as fast as I did on the Crockett with the knobbies three weeks ago. I didn't take any short cuts and just rode it out myself.
And I know why, but still bummed. I don't know how much of it is the bike. Is the Klein really just old and slow? Would the black blue (carbon CX) that i've ridden all over everywhere as a road bike and seemed to be pretty good as a road bike, but languishing w/o a crank be any faster? I don't know.
I don't like not knowing btw. Don't like that it is sitting there unrideable. I sort of looked at what a new road frame might cost, there's an emonda for $400 or so, but then i could buy fancy light wheels for the crockett for the same price. But not going to buy stuff, mostly because, I know it isn't the stuff that's slow. It is me.
I just need to ride.
I thought about it yesterday but it was so hot, bike path was super busy and I was tired. Dogs woke me up at 5am this morning, after being hot pads in bed due to fireworks going off until about 11pm or later. Finally kicked them out and fell asleep. Woke up, figured I might as well head in early and get a jump on catching up at the bike shop then head to the office for the late morning meeting. Woke up, made coffee, laid down in bed to drink coffee and catch up on overnight IG and internets and fell back asleep, woken up when E left for work and then instantly back asleep. oops. yeah i'm tired. still.
I wasn't quite prepared for how fucked up the crappy feelings from the ride left me. Also the ride really fucked up my hip/back/muscle/I dunno on my right side.
It is fine unless I go for a hard ride. So not only did the ride suck I was in pain and holy shit it was bad. Yeah I need to go see my D.O. get some OMM and diagnose the source/problem find a solution.
Instead of riding yesterday I read. finished the 3rd book in the Myke Cole Shadow Ops series. And started book 2 of a different series. Didn't really do much, needed that.
needed the sleep.
And that brings me to the TT tonight. Bikeworks is starting it up again.
But it is going to be over 90, the TT bike isn't set up, and I'm still tired. Somewhat tempted to just ride over and ride home, but even that sounds pretty exhausting. That and I've got the Crossrip+ and no kit. Would have to go home and swap it all. half tempted to charge the bike up and ride it out there, but that's sort of defeating the purpose of riding and getting fit. That and if I go and ride it and feel like shit then get dropped riding home (that I know will happen) I just will feel miserable again and I don't know if that's worth it. And I still have all the stuff I needed to do instead of sleeping to get done. Maybe next week. Maybe it won't be 900thousand degrees next week. Although fast air. Mmmmm.
I keep thinking, man I should just get a coach to help get me in shape. But I know what I need to do. I need to just ride, find a comfortable base, then build on that. It is going to take time. And I just have to make time. I'll add it to the list.
But hey, I'm still on the bike most days, and that's pretty awesome. The commute is amazing and so what if I am not as fast as I once was, maybe I'm now as slow as I ever was.
Yes I need to focus on the positive but it isn't like flipping a switch and that line from Furtado's interview kind of rings true, "...that your run-of-the-mill pep talk isn't helping." And some stuff isn't totally under control. And I slip a bit. Two steps forward, one step back, doubting myself constantly.
Okay - This disjuncted interrupted mess of words has gone on too long and my tiny windows of time have closed at this spot- And if i don't move on i'll be stuck here dealing with stuff for another 3hrs, stuff that can wait.
Don't mind me, i'll figure this shit out eventually. or at least learn along the way
heddwch
G
no coincidence
while it wasn't the factor, Bourdain's death, kind of underscored that my decision was correct.
Downside, social situations that were fun and manageable, one on one or in a group, now trigger all the stuff that having a beer or more made disappear.
Chip posted this article earlier today:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-perspec-alcoholism-anthony-bourdain-drinking-suicide-0622-20180621-story.html
granted it is biased and leveraged by those who are pushing for prohibition level avoidance but still, man does it ring true on all accounts.
Call it one of those choices that are personal. If you can enjoy a beer or a cocktail and be satisfied with one or two and go days without one, that's awesome.
---
This draft has been sitting here since the 21st of June. Haven't been back.
But best to start with a new post with the rest.
heddwch
G
Downside, social situations that were fun and manageable, one on one or in a group, now trigger all the stuff that having a beer or more made disappear.
Chip posted this article earlier today:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-perspec-alcoholism-anthony-bourdain-drinking-suicide-0622-20180621-story.html
granted it is biased and leveraged by those who are pushing for prohibition level avoidance but still, man does it ring true on all accounts.
Call it one of those choices that are personal. If you can enjoy a beer or a cocktail and be satisfied with one or two and go days without one, that's awesome.
---
This draft has been sitting here since the 21st of June. Haven't been back.
But best to start with a new post with the rest.
heddwch
G
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Frank Turner - Be More Kind
Now more than ever.
Fucking national situation is amazingly horrible.
The reluctantly slow metabolism of the US is turning us into a really shitty place, and lots of evil white rich assholes are fucking everything up.
Too bad they won't actually hear this song, or actually register the impact or implications.
Sigh, my heart hurts with all this shit going on, all the layers and layers of it.
be more kind
Fucking national situation is amazingly horrible.
The reluctantly slow metabolism of the US is turning us into a really shitty place, and lots of evil white rich assholes are fucking everything up.
Too bad they won't actually hear this song, or actually register the impact or implications.
Sigh, my heart hurts with all this shit going on, all the layers and layers of it.
be more kind
Sunday, June 17, 2018
Feeling lucky
Yes, I have two wonderful kids that make me a father. I have a step-father who's been a fantastic roll model and father, and I talked to my dad today. More on that last bit in a few.
Coffee, headed out, jacked up the van, cleaned off the interface a bit more with a razor blade. Got it installed. Couldn't really remember the belt routing, took me a few tries before I got it right. No, I don't have a manual for this car, but looking at the gasket, next time I'm going to look for 2005 Pacifica 3.8l instead of '09 Caravan data. Thinking about it makes sense, Chrysler sold VW all those engines for the Routan. We'll see next time I get it apart for the next issue. Or hopefully never have to think about it again. Doubt that will be the case.
Got it together. Did a handful of drain and fills with R/O water. Man that was rough and time consuming. Managed to get only about 6 quarts drained out of the 16 that were in there each time. But I did it three times. Warming the engine up between each, letting it get hot enough to open the thermostat, then letting it cool down until it wasn't dangerous to drain.
That third one I bolted the wheel on, headed out to repeat the last trip when the temps went from 220-240 in the engine and the heat took 30-60 sec to come on in the cabin and then wasn't really all that hot (it was hotter with the engine not even up to temp during the flushes). Did the loop, temp never went above 190 or so, always one tick below 200. Paying attention to it I could actually see the opening and closing of the thermostat. Temps dropped, and then came back up. Also noticing and liking that the temp gauge actually seems to report the temp, not just be an idiot gauge that they use in all the german VWs.
Also of key notice, unlike after the drive on the 1st with the lower rad hose being stone cold, it was hot. Waterpump WORKING. While it was cooling down from the test drive I put the fender liner on and the lower shroud. Put the wheel back on and torqued the bolts all down. But man those lugnuts were scorching hot. Had to be careful with the rotor and caliper there - also not cool. Also not cool? TODAY. A scorcher and brilliantly bright sun. At least there was a breeze and the hood gave me enough shade so I could hide and cool everything down easily enough. I may have gotten even more sun today. Oops.
Anyway, after that test drive...
I drained as much of the system as I could, even got the rest out of the block and the engine cooler that last time. Managed to get an extra quart. Toped it up with straight coolant (yeah did the math sort of). Unfortunately, I needed to get the leading plastic clip out of the lower shroud. It didn't come off in one piece. But there were well spaced holes that a zip tie worked well to hold it in place. So I did manage to fuck something up. With all that out I filled it up with the coolant. Not mixed because I had some pretty well diluted stuff in there, and going up to 70% coolant isn't bad, I don't think i'm there but I'm bad at maths. Three flushes 6 quarts added drained the first couple times, closer to 7 on the last one 16 quart system, assuming it was 50% at the start? Good enough. I hope.
Topped up the oil while waiting for it all to cool down. Was going to wash it but baking sun isn't supposed to be the right time to wash a car, although as little as we've washed this one I'm sure anything would have been better than nothing.
Once all set, I grabbed the impact gun I'd borrowed from DiPinto at the shop and headed over to return it so he could sharpen his mower blade.
Driving over there, well I am pretty sure I haven't seen it spend this much time below 200 line in a very long time. And being pretty damn near 90 in the shade, it was a good day to test it. Made it there, hung out and chatted and caught up with everyone, added a bit more coolant before leaving. Drove a while down the drag to the cheap gas, filled up the car. Paired the bluetooth with the phone, and drove home and the temp was pretty stable.
Nothing seems to be leaking under the car. The oil cooler line looks pretty scary but it is intact for the minute. I as much as I hate pre-emptive maintenance I may look at replacing that at the next oil change.
Right now I'm just cooking up some sauteed carrots, some hot italian pork sausages, and mashed potatoes for dinner, and drinking my 4th or 5th can of ice cold seltzer water.
Eat, shower, read, sleep...
After the test drive I did call my dad. Actually got him on the phone and despite the warnings from my brothers at how slow he's gotten (it did take a good number of rings to answer his cell phone) he sounded no different than the last time. We had a good talk, talked about the upcoming move and how it really wasn't what he planned, but that this was the best way forward, he would have liked to change it all and have certain things not happen that lead to this, and he's not sure about going from 8000' elevation to basically sea level... and stuff. But he did say not to worry or stress too much about getting out there, there's plenty of help to pick up any slack from me not being there, and it was good to hear something different than what my brothers have been saying. It was the kind of stuff I needed to hear from my Dad, he knows I'd be out there if I could, and I could, but it would destroy the week before I head out and then I'll be gone at a conference and two weeks of no one doing what I need to do means I have to spend a month playing catch up assuming there are no interruptions. And yes, I'm maybe a week away from being caught up from the beginning of May. I'm much much more at peace, mentally, when i'm caught up with everything. And if May and the first two weeks of June are any indication, I need to actively make sure I balance everything for me a bit more than I have been.
Anyway, a good day, not the classic Father's day of many folks, but it wasn't so bad. Got something done (hopefully, fingers still crossed, it takes a while for the grip of anxiety to wear off). But I'm a bit more settled than i have been in a while.
Roller coaster eh? But this time I put the brakes on and took a bit more control. Life's a process eh? Always testing, prodding, pushing I guess.
Being more mindful of where I step, not just blindly putting one foot in front of the other.
And I think writing has been helping. It helped me realize what the issues were that were super dark, helped me shake some of it, gave me some accountability for the new choice/change. Maybe I'll stick with it for a while.
heddwch
G
Coffee, headed out, jacked up the van, cleaned off the interface a bit more with a razor blade. Got it installed. Couldn't really remember the belt routing, took me a few tries before I got it right. No, I don't have a manual for this car, but looking at the gasket, next time I'm going to look for 2005 Pacifica 3.8l instead of '09 Caravan data. Thinking about it makes sense, Chrysler sold VW all those engines for the Routan. We'll see next time I get it apart for the next issue. Or hopefully never have to think about it again. Doubt that will be the case.
Got it together. Did a handful of drain and fills with R/O water. Man that was rough and time consuming. Managed to get only about 6 quarts drained out of the 16 that were in there each time. But I did it three times. Warming the engine up between each, letting it get hot enough to open the thermostat, then letting it cool down until it wasn't dangerous to drain.
That third one I bolted the wheel on, headed out to repeat the last trip when the temps went from 220-240 in the engine and the heat took 30-60 sec to come on in the cabin and then wasn't really all that hot (it was hotter with the engine not even up to temp during the flushes). Did the loop, temp never went above 190 or so, always one tick below 200. Paying attention to it I could actually see the opening and closing of the thermostat. Temps dropped, and then came back up. Also noticing and liking that the temp gauge actually seems to report the temp, not just be an idiot gauge that they use in all the german VWs.
Also of key notice, unlike after the drive on the 1st with the lower rad hose being stone cold, it was hot. Waterpump WORKING. While it was cooling down from the test drive I put the fender liner on and the lower shroud. Put the wheel back on and torqued the bolts all down. But man those lugnuts were scorching hot. Had to be careful with the rotor and caliper there - also not cool. Also not cool? TODAY. A scorcher and brilliantly bright sun. At least there was a breeze and the hood gave me enough shade so I could hide and cool everything down easily enough. I may have gotten even more sun today. Oops.
Anyway, after that test drive...
I drained as much of the system as I could, even got the rest out of the block and the engine cooler that last time. Managed to get an extra quart. Toped it up with straight coolant (yeah did the math sort of). Unfortunately, I needed to get the leading plastic clip out of the lower shroud. It didn't come off in one piece. But there were well spaced holes that a zip tie worked well to hold it in place. So I did manage to fuck something up. With all that out I filled it up with the coolant. Not mixed because I had some pretty well diluted stuff in there, and going up to 70% coolant isn't bad, I don't think i'm there but I'm bad at maths. Three flushes 6 quarts added drained the first couple times, closer to 7 on the last one 16 quart system, assuming it was 50% at the start? Good enough. I hope.
Topped up the oil while waiting for it all to cool down. Was going to wash it but baking sun isn't supposed to be the right time to wash a car, although as little as we've washed this one I'm sure anything would have been better than nothing.
Once all set, I grabbed the impact gun I'd borrowed from DiPinto at the shop and headed over to return it so he could sharpen his mower blade.
Driving over there, well I am pretty sure I haven't seen it spend this much time below 200 line in a very long time. And being pretty damn near 90 in the shade, it was a good day to test it. Made it there, hung out and chatted and caught up with everyone, added a bit more coolant before leaving. Drove a while down the drag to the cheap gas, filled up the car. Paired the bluetooth with the phone, and drove home and the temp was pretty stable.
Nothing seems to be leaking under the car. The oil cooler line looks pretty scary but it is intact for the minute. I as much as I hate pre-emptive maintenance I may look at replacing that at the next oil change.
Right now I'm just cooking up some sauteed carrots, some hot italian pork sausages, and mashed potatoes for dinner, and drinking my 4th or 5th can of ice cold seltzer water.
Eat, shower, read, sleep...
After the test drive I did call my dad. Actually got him on the phone and despite the warnings from my brothers at how slow he's gotten (it did take a good number of rings to answer his cell phone) he sounded no different than the last time. We had a good talk, talked about the upcoming move and how it really wasn't what he planned, but that this was the best way forward, he would have liked to change it all and have certain things not happen that lead to this, and he's not sure about going from 8000' elevation to basically sea level... and stuff. But he did say not to worry or stress too much about getting out there, there's plenty of help to pick up any slack from me not being there, and it was good to hear something different than what my brothers have been saying. It was the kind of stuff I needed to hear from my Dad, he knows I'd be out there if I could, and I could, but it would destroy the week before I head out and then I'll be gone at a conference and two weeks of no one doing what I need to do means I have to spend a month playing catch up assuming there are no interruptions. And yes, I'm maybe a week away from being caught up from the beginning of May. I'm much much more at peace, mentally, when i'm caught up with everything. And if May and the first two weeks of June are any indication, I need to actively make sure I balance everything for me a bit more than I have been.
Anyway, a good day, not the classic Father's day of many folks, but it wasn't so bad. Got something done (hopefully, fingers still crossed, it takes a while for the grip of anxiety to wear off). But I'm a bit more settled than i have been in a while.
Roller coaster eh? But this time I put the brakes on and took a bit more control. Life's a process eh? Always testing, prodding, pushing I guess.
Being more mindful of where I step, not just blindly putting one foot in front of the other.
And I think writing has been helping. It helped me realize what the issues were that were super dark, helped me shake some of it, gave me some accountability for the new choice/change. Maybe I'll stick with it for a while.
heddwch
G
Happy Father's Day
Had meant to wake up extra early and get a start on working on the van before the sun got too high and the temps too warm.
But no dice.
Slept in a bit extra, not too much, made coffee, drank coffee and wrote RRRR recap.
now finishing coffee, staring at the gasket, had a dream I put the first gallon of coolant in to start the flush and wasted $20 and was furious at myself. Def going to keep that in mind as I head out.
Father's day hasn't really held that much significance. Some years I've gone for big bike rides, some years, many lately it seems, the girls are all off on a vacation with my in-laws, or something, and me here with the dog(s).
Hopefully I can get the van back together in a reasonable amount of time and then head into the bike shop, hopefully in the van to test all the stuff I've done before sending my wife off in it as her preferred daily driver (although she's been doing well with the Volvo all this time).
Okay. well. Here we go. Time to put the boots on, grab the safety glasses and go work out in the sun (there ain't no shade tree/garage for me).
heddwch
G
But no dice.
Slept in a bit extra, not too much, made coffee, drank coffee and wrote RRRR recap.
now finishing coffee, staring at the gasket, had a dream I put the first gallon of coolant in to start the flush and wasted $20 and was furious at myself. Def going to keep that in mind as I head out.
Father's day hasn't really held that much significance. Some years I've gone for big bike rides, some years, many lately it seems, the girls are all off on a vacation with my in-laws, or something, and me here with the dog(s).
Hopefully I can get the van back together in a reasonable amount of time and then head into the bike shop, hopefully in the van to test all the stuff I've done before sending my wife off in it as her preferred daily driver (although she's been doing well with the Volvo all this time).
Okay. well. Here we go. Time to put the boots on, grab the safety glasses and go work out in the sun (there ain't no shade tree/garage for me).
heddwch
G
RRRR 2.0 recap
What a ride.
It worked out, went well. We had 45 or so people +/- and a range of abilities that went from incredibly fast to just happy to be riding and looking for the challenge.
I headed out a few minutes later than planned. Relaxed morning. But light on the coffee I stuck with one cup, then filled a bottle with some instant coffee (hey it is cold and turns out, it tastes just like puting fresh good coffee in a bottle and drinking it a couple hours later) got dressed and skipped the sunscreen (tan line activation). One burn in three or four years is probably not the worst thing I've done. Actually has faded pretty well as of this morning. Not so bad.
Rolled out, felt slow. But timing wasn't so bad. Got there after Roger and Lesli but before most people. Got a large coffee from 7 Stars and chatted, worked on saying hi to people, welcoming them. Got a IG story with Softswerve as she rolled up but didn't post till after the ride. David B ran the reg/sign in like the smooth warm and welcoming pro that he is. We collected some extra cash at the start for 1PVD and rolled out as a group. The stoplight actually made the first split. I wound up rolling out with the last of them as Syl was kitting up and getting ready to go. David B was still in street clothes and wound up riding sweep with Giulia, at least until... i'll get to that.
Wound up with Lesli and Roger at the start there, we all promptly blew through the stop sign just like I had asked everyone not to and of course I got a bit of grief for that. Waved at Walter A in his front yard (derdowski shoutout), and headed down.
Everyone missed the first big red arrow and didn't turn until after the tracks, but I stopped and got the group in the right space. Then What? a tube? Half way down the first track section was an inner tube. Looked clean and flat. Best pick it up. Who knows. Also no sense in littering. I roll back up catch up to everyone walking over the railroad bridge, I ride it and am w/in this last group. We hit the first side section, I help navigate a bit, a good intro to how the course is marked for everyone, and then help a few with a sand bypass that skips a super fun but super sketchy downhill and some sand stuff, and by doing that found the best 'whoops' around, like no need to pedal perfectly spaced pump track. So fun.
We all gathered to re-group at Waterfront Drive and headed on to the next section, the road transfer. One of the few.
Yeah this ride isn't RdR level lots of road linking single track. This is lots of single track linked with a little bit of road. Syl had caught us by then and I took point and he agreed to drop back for now to ride sweep. we had a pretty large group at that point. Maybe half? 18-20 or so riders.
We hit the secret trail behind the park off Pawtucket Ave, cut through the neighborhood and over to the trails in Hunts Mills. At the fresh stuff along the creek/reservoir run off, I took some folks around to skip the rocky section. We got to the parking lot on the Seekonk side north of the road and Jack M had a flat. We waited for the stragglers to make it and Jack changed the flat, and my big Zefal HPX 4 got its first use. After a few minutes of socializing we sent everyone on. Soon Jack was back in biz and we headed off to catch up. And we did. To the tail end of everyone. Until we hit Jim with a flat tire.
He urged us not to wait but Jack wasn't having any of it and I was good with hanging and well, that turned out to be good. His spare tube wasn't holding air and that one that I picked up (Jim actually saw it fall out and the guy who dropped it said 'I have another one' and kept riding) worked. And he used the frame pump.
While that was happening Giulia and David rode up, truly riding sweep. Once Jim was underway we got our shit together and the five of us headed out. Only to join up with Softswerve and Syl and a couple others trying to figure out what to do with her bike and the broken fork. Like cracked ALMOST in half at the fork crown. Like Fuck that's BAD broken. Giulia and Softswerve walked out and made it to G's place to get a different bike for her to ride and finish the route, the rest of us headed onwards. Eventually we wound up catching up with the Chapman crew in the cemetery. Headed around up to the north section. Played in the sand there. Used the frame pump again maybe? Getting hazy about the middle use of the pump.
Hit the tracks and headed south. Syl and I had been taking turns riding sweep now that we'd lost the official sweep riders with the broken fork. David B helped a bit but he wound up being somewhere in the middle most of the time. Riding sweep isn't always the most fun, you're not riding your pace, but it is rewarding and gives you a nice sense of purpose, even if it means getting to the end of the ride 2+ hours after the leader. Yeah. Graham was on the money saying it would take some people over 4 hours to do the ride. I think we maybe did it in under 4 but my Garmin crapped out and didn't record the file so WHO KNOWS. Damn technology. It was pretty uneventful. The Chapman gang was def on a more relaxed pace, chilling and regrouping for a bit, quite a bit. But it def made it more social and fun and relaxed and was awesome. At one point Mitch got a flat. Took a bit to change, tire wasn't seating well, I actually took over to try and get it set up right. He didn't have a pump, but did have a tube. That took a while. The mosquitos found us and I figured everyone was long gone, we were going to improvise and backtrack to the bike path to catch up, but just as we decided to do that Syl shows up. They were all waiting for us on the tracks. And off we went into the scrub zone sand and the last root section and then through the farm field and back to G&G's house.
We ate some food, hung out, Burke even had time to ride home, shower, change clothes and bikes and get back before we rolled in.
It was a good time. It was a great ride. I guess it is a positive sign when everyone asks if we can do it again and soon. People made new friends, got to know others better and some just had a kick ass fun day on the bike that benefited a really important 100% volunteer run organization.
I think we'll do it again soon.
Heddwch,
G
It worked out, went well. We had 45 or so people +/- and a range of abilities that went from incredibly fast to just happy to be riding and looking for the challenge.
I headed out a few minutes later than planned. Relaxed morning. But light on the coffee I stuck with one cup, then filled a bottle with some instant coffee (hey it is cold and turns out, it tastes just like puting fresh good coffee in a bottle and drinking it a couple hours later) got dressed and skipped the sunscreen (tan line activation). One burn in three or four years is probably not the worst thing I've done. Actually has faded pretty well as of this morning. Not so bad.
Rolled out, felt slow. But timing wasn't so bad. Got there after Roger and Lesli but before most people. Got a large coffee from 7 Stars and chatted, worked on saying hi to people, welcoming them. Got a IG story with Softswerve as she rolled up but didn't post till after the ride. David B ran the reg/sign in like the smooth warm and welcoming pro that he is. We collected some extra cash at the start for 1PVD and rolled out as a group. The stoplight actually made the first split. I wound up rolling out with the last of them as Syl was kitting up and getting ready to go. David B was still in street clothes and wound up riding sweep with Giulia, at least until... i'll get to that.
Wound up with Lesli and Roger at the start there, we all promptly blew through the stop sign just like I had asked everyone not to and of course I got a bit of grief for that. Waved at Walter A in his front yard (derdowski shoutout), and headed down.
Everyone missed the first big red arrow and didn't turn until after the tracks, but I stopped and got the group in the right space. Then What? a tube? Half way down the first track section was an inner tube. Looked clean and flat. Best pick it up. Who knows. Also no sense in littering. I roll back up catch up to everyone walking over the railroad bridge, I ride it and am w/in this last group. We hit the first side section, I help navigate a bit, a good intro to how the course is marked for everyone, and then help a few with a sand bypass that skips a super fun but super sketchy downhill and some sand stuff, and by doing that found the best 'whoops' around, like no need to pedal perfectly spaced pump track. So fun.
We all gathered to re-group at Waterfront Drive and headed on to the next section, the road transfer. One of the few.
Yeah this ride isn't RdR level lots of road linking single track. This is lots of single track linked with a little bit of road. Syl had caught us by then and I took point and he agreed to drop back for now to ride sweep. we had a pretty large group at that point. Maybe half? 18-20 or so riders.
We hit the secret trail behind the park off Pawtucket Ave, cut through the neighborhood and over to the trails in Hunts Mills. At the fresh stuff along the creek/reservoir run off, I took some folks around to skip the rocky section. We got to the parking lot on the Seekonk side north of the road and Jack M had a flat. We waited for the stragglers to make it and Jack changed the flat, and my big Zefal HPX 4 got its first use. After a few minutes of socializing we sent everyone on. Soon Jack was back in biz and we headed off to catch up. And we did. To the tail end of everyone. Until we hit Jim with a flat tire.
He urged us not to wait but Jack wasn't having any of it and I was good with hanging and well, that turned out to be good. His spare tube wasn't holding air and that one that I picked up (Jim actually saw it fall out and the guy who dropped it said 'I have another one' and kept riding) worked. And he used the frame pump.
While that was happening Giulia and David rode up, truly riding sweep. Once Jim was underway we got our shit together and the five of us headed out. Only to join up with Softswerve and Syl and a couple others trying to figure out what to do with her bike and the broken fork. Like cracked ALMOST in half at the fork crown. Like Fuck that's BAD broken. Giulia and Softswerve walked out and made it to G's place to get a different bike for her to ride and finish the route, the rest of us headed onwards. Eventually we wound up catching up with the Chapman crew in the cemetery. Headed around up to the north section. Played in the sand there. Used the frame pump again maybe? Getting hazy about the middle use of the pump.
Hit the tracks and headed south. Syl and I had been taking turns riding sweep now that we'd lost the official sweep riders with the broken fork. David B helped a bit but he wound up being somewhere in the middle most of the time. Riding sweep isn't always the most fun, you're not riding your pace, but it is rewarding and gives you a nice sense of purpose, even if it means getting to the end of the ride 2+ hours after the leader. Yeah. Graham was on the money saying it would take some people over 4 hours to do the ride. I think we maybe did it in under 4 but my Garmin crapped out and didn't record the file so WHO KNOWS. Damn technology. It was pretty uneventful. The Chapman gang was def on a more relaxed pace, chilling and regrouping for a bit, quite a bit. But it def made it more social and fun and relaxed and was awesome. At one point Mitch got a flat. Took a bit to change, tire wasn't seating well, I actually took over to try and get it set up right. He didn't have a pump, but did have a tube. That took a while. The mosquitos found us and I figured everyone was long gone, we were going to improvise and backtrack to the bike path to catch up, but just as we decided to do that Syl shows up. They were all waiting for us on the tracks. And off we went into the scrub zone sand and the last root section and then through the farm field and back to G&G's house.
We ate some food, hung out, Burke even had time to ride home, shower, change clothes and bikes and get back before we rolled in.
It was a good time. It was a great ride. I guess it is a positive sign when everyone asks if we can do it again and soon. People made new friends, got to know others better and some just had a kick ass fun day on the bike that benefited a really important 100% volunteer run organization.
I think we'll do it again soon.
Heddwch,
G
Friday, June 15, 2018
If the plan doesn't work,
"If the plan doesn't work, change the plan, but never the goal."
Frustrating day. In many ways. Not in others, end result I kind of didn't get anything substantially accomplished, made more work for myself and well... got pretty frustrated for a while.
Instagram story caught the begining.
So short version, much like the passat and not really realizing that the problem was simply a started, not a clutch and going ahead with removing everything to take the transmission off and ordering all the parts only to really find the only thing wrong was the starter, well, I assumed the waterpump was dead. Symptoms seemed to fit it. Granted the hose had split, was blowing coolant out. Finding the clear reservoir empty, and filling it back up seemed logical that the pump was done.
The waterpump in all the diagrams and tutorials I saw showed it down in the bottom, easy to get to corner, no problem.
It wasn't there. It was the hardest place to get to.
I decided to drain the coolant though, didn't want to make a mess, not much came out. I should have seen that as - hey dumbass, you are wrong.
But nah, I drained it. Then took the waterpump out.
Obviously it was in perfect condition. no problem. The gasket wasn't though. I needed a new one. But I also discovered that the lower water pump pipe was so corroded that it was leaking. Oh that's new, as in not good. Hmm I wonder how long that's been going on. Shit I wonder how long the fucking radiator has been low.
Leading into it the night before I was woken up at 2:45 and subsequently went to pick up a freaked out kid from a sleepover a little while after that. Sure Sure coulda left them there to teach em a lesson but there were too many unknowns and i was awake at that point. Kind of disrupted that night and then it got busy and it has still been a long week. Original plan was to get this car done early, head to work or the bike shop.
I fell back asleep, was out cold, dreaming and everything until the kids came in at 10:15 and woke me up asking if i was going into work today.
Woops.
Coffee, moved the empty garbage and recycling cans in, moved the van into position.
more coffee, time to gather all the various bits and air compressor, jack, tools, from their spots all over the place (yeah i don't have a garage)... get started... get to that point, wife comes home early (summer hours, close at 1 on fridays) i head off to return the new waterpump (yeah yeah i should have just replaced it but the one in there had a more substantially attached impeller than the replacement and well, i figured I could get the $3 gasket at one of the dozen autopart stores around, they all have the pump instock. and besides I needed that lower metal pipe and the upper hose... and another gallon of unmixed coolant blah blah)
drove around, all the way to pawtucket where they supposedly had one but nope. could have made a gasket, nope, don't want to risk fucking it up and having to do it all over again.
got home, put the new hoses on, removed and cleaned up the overflow container, put it back on and put the front wheel back on and put everything away.
Then i realized I haven't eaten anything all day. Oddly not hungry all day. weird. or normal.
I didn't get the Crockett cleaned for tomorrow. I'm riding there, will get me an extra hour or so on the bike, will head home, get the part, get some more di water, i mean distilled not DeIonized water, and wrap that up tomorrow with luck.
My plans haven't been working lately, but the goal hasn't really changed.
RRRR is tomorrow. I'm going to be distracted, focused on the amount of shit i need to do, the lack of keeping up with the building of bikes, the pressing need to build the bikes to cover all the added expenses, juggling the rest of it all. There's a lot going on, I'm just hoping i can escape with everyone and ride and stuff tomorrow.
So yeah things are turning around, kind of. Back off the sauce. That brief return my eyes were getting worse, harder to see/focus, and a few other physical issues I noticed, just slow, tired but more than just tired. Now I'm just tired, and my eyes are almost back. All good things. But I'm anxious, to be honest, about how to deal with any social situation anymore. That being said in the open, well, plans change, the goal is still to have fun right? That original plan really doesn't work, although it is kind of fun, there's def a release and an activation with the first couple beers/vodka sodas, but as crazy as it sounds a couple times this week, I felt the same, identical, feeling, it was strange but weird and kind of cool.
All I gotta do now is get my shit together and start riding. But this week has been more pedaling time, esp looking at tomorrow, than in many many many...
i am tired and tomorrow is going to be early, esp if i'm going to get my shit together in time not to be late. I'd tossed around the idea of maybe attaching the crockett to the rack on the Crossrip+ just to cut the time down getting there but gave up on the idea. Just gonna get there under my own power, slow as can be but I'll get there.
I'll probably buy a cup of coffee, and sit down and wait for everyone to roll up/show up. Unless I'm late...
gotta remember the sunscreen. if i don't forget the sunscreen it will be the first time this year I've put any on. I got a bit too much sun on Thursday marking the course but no burn. Tomorrow will be more time in the sun, we'll see if I remember, or if I'll just be nursing a sunburn for a couple days.
be well
heddwch
G
Frustrating day. In many ways. Not in others, end result I kind of didn't get anything substantially accomplished, made more work for myself and well... got pretty frustrated for a while.
Instagram story caught the begining.
So short version, much like the passat and not really realizing that the problem was simply a started, not a clutch and going ahead with removing everything to take the transmission off and ordering all the parts only to really find the only thing wrong was the starter, well, I assumed the waterpump was dead. Symptoms seemed to fit it. Granted the hose had split, was blowing coolant out. Finding the clear reservoir empty, and filling it back up seemed logical that the pump was done.
The waterpump in all the diagrams and tutorials I saw showed it down in the bottom, easy to get to corner, no problem.
It wasn't there. It was the hardest place to get to.
I decided to drain the coolant though, didn't want to make a mess, not much came out. I should have seen that as - hey dumbass, you are wrong.
But nah, I drained it. Then took the waterpump out.
Obviously it was in perfect condition. no problem. The gasket wasn't though. I needed a new one. But I also discovered that the lower water pump pipe was so corroded that it was leaking. Oh that's new, as in not good. Hmm I wonder how long that's been going on. Shit I wonder how long the fucking radiator has been low.
Leading into it the night before I was woken up at 2:45 and subsequently went to pick up a freaked out kid from a sleepover a little while after that. Sure Sure coulda left them there to teach em a lesson but there were too many unknowns and i was awake at that point. Kind of disrupted that night and then it got busy and it has still been a long week. Original plan was to get this car done early, head to work or the bike shop.
I fell back asleep, was out cold, dreaming and everything until the kids came in at 10:15 and woke me up asking if i was going into work today.
Woops.
Coffee, moved the empty garbage and recycling cans in, moved the van into position.
more coffee, time to gather all the various bits and air compressor, jack, tools, from their spots all over the place (yeah i don't have a garage)... get started... get to that point, wife comes home early (summer hours, close at 1 on fridays) i head off to return the new waterpump (yeah yeah i should have just replaced it but the one in there had a more substantially attached impeller than the replacement and well, i figured I could get the $3 gasket at one of the dozen autopart stores around, they all have the pump instock. and besides I needed that lower metal pipe and the upper hose... and another gallon of unmixed coolant blah blah)
drove around, all the way to pawtucket where they supposedly had one but nope. could have made a gasket, nope, don't want to risk fucking it up and having to do it all over again.
got home, put the new hoses on, removed and cleaned up the overflow container, put it back on and put the front wheel back on and put everything away.
Then i realized I haven't eaten anything all day. Oddly not hungry all day. weird. or normal.
I didn't get the Crockett cleaned for tomorrow. I'm riding there, will get me an extra hour or so on the bike, will head home, get the part, get some more di water, i mean distilled not DeIonized water, and wrap that up tomorrow with luck.
My plans haven't been working lately, but the goal hasn't really changed.
RRRR is tomorrow. I'm going to be distracted, focused on the amount of shit i need to do, the lack of keeping up with the building of bikes, the pressing need to build the bikes to cover all the added expenses, juggling the rest of it all. There's a lot going on, I'm just hoping i can escape with everyone and ride and stuff tomorrow.
So yeah things are turning around, kind of. Back off the sauce. That brief return my eyes were getting worse, harder to see/focus, and a few other physical issues I noticed, just slow, tired but more than just tired. Now I'm just tired, and my eyes are almost back. All good things. But I'm anxious, to be honest, about how to deal with any social situation anymore. That being said in the open, well, plans change, the goal is still to have fun right? That original plan really doesn't work, although it is kind of fun, there's def a release and an activation with the first couple beers/vodka sodas, but as crazy as it sounds a couple times this week, I felt the same, identical, feeling, it was strange but weird and kind of cool.
All I gotta do now is get my shit together and start riding. But this week has been more pedaling time, esp looking at tomorrow, than in many many many...
i am tired and tomorrow is going to be early, esp if i'm going to get my shit together in time not to be late. I'd tossed around the idea of maybe attaching the crockett to the rack on the Crossrip+ just to cut the time down getting there but gave up on the idea. Just gonna get there under my own power, slow as can be but I'll get there.
I'll probably buy a cup of coffee, and sit down and wait for everyone to roll up/show up. Unless I'm late...
gotta remember the sunscreen. if i don't forget the sunscreen it will be the first time this year I've put any on. I got a bit too much sun on Thursday marking the course but no burn. Tomorrow will be more time in the sun, we'll see if I remember, or if I'll just be nursing a sunburn for a couple days.
be well
heddwch
G
Saturday, June 09, 2018
Unpacking
There was a bit there in that last one eh?
The timing of AB's suicide shook me a bit to be honest. Spent the day yesterday kind of in a huge fog. Major introspection I suppose. Folks that reached out - thanks, but one thing a few twitter threads helped to understand more clearly about myself. If you ask if someone like me, probably AB and a lot of others, they are going to decline the offer. Lots of reasons that don't make sense unless you're that very narrow type of person. Adam Myerson even had a tweet that hit it pretty square on. https://twitter.com/AdamMyerson/status/1005216169941504001?s=19 I def don't feel like I'm spreading the light but I will acknowledge that while I sometimes feel like a self centered asshole I do most everything for reasons not mine. Adam def correct, empaths are strange and if you're not one you won't ever get it. But still some of the more accurate reasons for declining like i said tend to be a variation of Embarrassment, Pride, Shame, Selfreliance. "I can do it, just not right now." Offers we get and we know are from the best places, too generous, can't be accepted. Often if we can't do it ourselves we're not deserving of accepting the help... maybe "we're" deserving, but being and feeling it are not the same and I usually don't think i'm deserving of it. This was one of the other threads, can't find the other one at the moment https://twitter.com/sheilakathleen/status/1005116845240848385?s=19
And these fogs and waves come and go. Some times far more intense and unexpected and once they settle little things that are normally dealt with are inconsequential, and then all the lingering deeper shit we normally can pack away or manage come to the surface. The feedback loop is really really fucked up. For some people. And then sometimes you have a couple weeks like I just did.
Yeah I admire those who say "just flip the switch" and can do it. I can't.
But I'm also to the point where I know enough that I can find the light and hang on and get through it.
myself.
The car thing is overhanging. Still haven't fixed the waterpump. I miss the days of close friends that it never felt like an imposition to see if people wanted to get together to fix the car. Was thinking about that this morning. That social side of self-reliance. I can fix it. But when. Then the pressures mount and the second job, the activities. The anxiety of today and getting everything done and people where they needed to be wound up sorting itself out.
Turned into: Not a problem. Once it did I was able to relax a little more, I spent the whole night thinking, not sleeping much, or just in a high functioning somewhat concious sleep space. I was going to head to the shop, but words were propagating in my head and i figured fuck it - I need to get them out, I'll get to work when I do. If i get home later and have to do grocery shopping before dinner? so be it. That or we wing it and I go shopping in the morning. Not going to worry about it.
For a change.
The van will get fixed and we'll be a one car family until it is. We'll get everything done, the oldest has planned her 18th birthday, a dinner out with her closest friends, considering I don't even remember mine I don't feel too bad, they are an adult and as long as they are having fun, and that group of kids has fun and is very supporting of each other. Yeah - no memory of my 18th but my 19th was a surprise party thrown by my GF and i didn't know it was a surprise or a party until everyone was there and were totally in a state of shock wondering why I wasn't cluing in on why everyone was there - it was awkward.
Bonus for waiting this long to ride in to work at the shop today is the bike path gets pretty empty even on the best days during the lunch 'hour' esp along the stretch from my house to the squantum place where I head north. Same when it is time to head home usually.
I still haven't called my dad. But then he hasn't called me either.
The dogs are here right next to me, both sleeping peacefully and I think would probably prefer that I just stay here and hang out with them all day and live the dog life of sleeping and being lazy.
I did wind up finally finishing book 7, Persepolis Rising. No resolution, guess we wait till book 8 to find out what happens.
Not sure I'm going to finish Children of Time by Adrian T. just can't seem to get into it, besides - i'm not a fan of giant super smart spiders.
Plenty to do besides read now that i've been able to finish that book.
Like get my ass out the door (lunch is already packed, just gotta put shoes on and helmet and head in.
I think i'll do that, get some bikes built, not stress on how fast I'm building them and just get it done, and do what I can do at a slower pace, a recovery pace.
heddwch
G
The timing of AB's suicide shook me a bit to be honest. Spent the day yesterday kind of in a huge fog. Major introspection I suppose. Folks that reached out - thanks, but one thing a few twitter threads helped to understand more clearly about myself. If you ask if someone like me, probably AB and a lot of others, they are going to decline the offer. Lots of reasons that don't make sense unless you're that very narrow type of person. Adam Myerson even had a tweet that hit it pretty square on. https://twitter.com/AdamMyerson/status/1005216169941504001?s=19 I def don't feel like I'm spreading the light but I will acknowledge that while I sometimes feel like a self centered asshole I do most everything for reasons not mine. Adam def correct, empaths are strange and if you're not one you won't ever get it. But still some of the more accurate reasons for declining like i said tend to be a variation of Embarrassment, Pride, Shame, Selfreliance. "I can do it, just not right now." Offers we get and we know are from the best places, too generous, can't be accepted. Often if we can't do it ourselves we're not deserving of accepting the help... maybe "we're" deserving, but being and feeling it are not the same and I usually don't think i'm deserving of it. This was one of the other threads, can't find the other one at the moment https://twitter.com/sheilakathleen/status/1005116845240848385?s=19
And these fogs and waves come and go. Some times far more intense and unexpected and once they settle little things that are normally dealt with are inconsequential, and then all the lingering deeper shit we normally can pack away or manage come to the surface. The feedback loop is really really fucked up. For some people. And then sometimes you have a couple weeks like I just did.
Yeah I admire those who say "just flip the switch" and can do it. I can't.
But I'm also to the point where I know enough that I can find the light and hang on and get through it.
myself.
The car thing is overhanging. Still haven't fixed the waterpump. I miss the days of close friends that it never felt like an imposition to see if people wanted to get together to fix the car. Was thinking about that this morning. That social side of self-reliance. I can fix it. But when. Then the pressures mount and the second job, the activities. The anxiety of today and getting everything done and people where they needed to be wound up sorting itself out.
Turned into: Not a problem. Once it did I was able to relax a little more, I spent the whole night thinking, not sleeping much, or just in a high functioning somewhat concious sleep space. I was going to head to the shop, but words were propagating in my head and i figured fuck it - I need to get them out, I'll get to work when I do. If i get home later and have to do grocery shopping before dinner? so be it. That or we wing it and I go shopping in the morning. Not going to worry about it.
For a change.
The van will get fixed and we'll be a one car family until it is. We'll get everything done, the oldest has planned her 18th birthday, a dinner out with her closest friends, considering I don't even remember mine I don't feel too bad, they are an adult and as long as they are having fun, and that group of kids has fun and is very supporting of each other. Yeah - no memory of my 18th but my 19th was a surprise party thrown by my GF and i didn't know it was a surprise or a party until everyone was there and were totally in a state of shock wondering why I wasn't cluing in on why everyone was there - it was awkward.
Bonus for waiting this long to ride in to work at the shop today is the bike path gets pretty empty even on the best days during the lunch 'hour' esp along the stretch from my house to the squantum place where I head north. Same when it is time to head home usually.
I still haven't called my dad. But then he hasn't called me either.
The dogs are here right next to me, both sleeping peacefully and I think would probably prefer that I just stay here and hang out with them all day and live the dog life of sleeping and being lazy.
I did wind up finally finishing book 7, Persepolis Rising. No resolution, guess we wait till book 8 to find out what happens.
Not sure I'm going to finish Children of Time by Adrian T. just can't seem to get into it, besides - i'm not a fan of giant super smart spiders.
Plenty to do besides read now that i've been able to finish that book.
Like get my ass out the door (lunch is already packed, just gotta put shoes on and helmet and head in.
I think i'll do that, get some bikes built, not stress on how fast I'm building them and just get it done, and do what I can do at a slower pace, a recovery pace.
heddwch
G
Thursday, June 07, 2018
Survived
Sort of. Kind of.
That weekend.
My mother was correct, I'm still struggling with some deep emotions about the weekend and the event and how to process it and it is a significant undercurrent that I really don't know what to do with or really where to find it inside. There's a knot of emotions, kind of a big one, one of the threads is my oldest kid's graduation. They are special, unique and I'm intensely proud of them. But also as familiar I feel a bit of a stranger in some respects. Then again I have a similar stranger relationship with my father. Sure, I know him, pretty well, but I don't know him. Not like my brother's do.
I started writing here to share Peter's story. Everyone's read it by now but I thought by going back to a time when we read something on the internet and shared it on our web logs, not twitter or Facebook.
https://cyclingtips.com/2018/06/lost-and-found-painful-memories-of-a-bike-tour-that-shaped-two-lives/
So yeah. I just finished reading that. It is pushing 5pm, the emails from while I was out of the office have almost all been replied to, unfortunately every one requires additional responses and I'm tired.
That weekend.
My mother was correct, I'm still struggling with some deep emotions about the weekend and the event and how to process it and it is a significant undercurrent that I really don't know what to do with or really where to find it inside. There's a knot of emotions, kind of a big one, one of the threads is my oldest kid's graduation. They are special, unique and I'm intensely proud of them. But also as familiar I feel a bit of a stranger in some respects. Then again I have a similar stranger relationship with my father. Sure, I know him, pretty well, but I don't know him. Not like my brother's do.
I started writing here to share Peter's story. Everyone's read it by now but I thought by going back to a time when we read something on the internet and shared it on our web logs, not twitter or Facebook.
https://cyclingtips.com/2018/06/lost-and-found-painful-memories-of-a-bike-tour-that-shaped-two-lives/
So yeah. I just finished reading that. It is pushing 5pm, the emails from while I was out of the office have almost all been replied to, unfortunately every one requires additional responses and I'm tired.
Saturday, June 02, 2018
Big weekend
So this weekend if a big one.
Felt the need to share this little anecdote. Ran through the social platforms. Don't want to have the wrong people see it, wanted to hit the audience that would get it.
Ahhh the old Dusty web log.
So I'm attaching two photos.
Not sure what order this platform will put them in. I'm doing dishes and don't see much of what the in laws bought at Shaw's. But we'll they need "their" stuff for breakfast. And yeah if not T2DM carrying and using a glucose meter is enough to paint picture.
Years and years. Discussions, evidence, anecdotes, science.
This is breakfast. The whole milk is for making ice cream, lattes, and Mac and cheese, and occasionally drinking.
At least I have a few minutes to cook dinner while everyone is out at the moment.
Frustrating but even more since this is here in my house now.
Oh well. Let's just keep everyone as happy and non confrontational as possible.
Back to making food for tonight and listening to Frank Turner radio on Pandora.
Heddwch,
G
G
(PS had to add photos with browser in desktop mode from the tablet - not the crappy app - but they are here..... )
Saturday, May 26, 2018
Hey Y'all
It has been a very long while.
Why?
dunno. no good answer. But maybe like all the breaks I take, they are designed to shed the hangers on, not the die hahds.
Life's strange. You know this. Anyone reading this has probably a few years on me or if not, you'll get there soon and know what I'm talking about.
My path is different.
Being different fucking sucks.
It means you can totally derail your day thinking about the fight you had with another kid in 6th grade and how all you want to do is find his all star athlete high school glory day fat ass and punch him square in the face.
But I won't. It won't fix anything. Won't help me. If i make it another decade or two it will just bother me the way the initial stuff does.
Things keep adding up, unaccounted variables. I try to keep doing what I can do, try to keep striving to be the best I can, falling short means I am hard on myself. no one else gives a shit if i do well or not, get it done well or not. The razor edge of my awareness. Uninfluenced by others, for good but mostly failing to meet my own standards, or the standards I see others seemingly easily achieve.
First blog back shouldn't be this, but it is. I've spent a couple months not drinking, absolutely no change, didn't lose weight, didn't feel any different, wasn't quite a tired, had a couple xtra dollars in my wallet (that I spent on burritos from Bagel Gormet) but no net positive change.
Not the best eh?
Could be worse.
Always could be worse. And i'm still guilty and grateful that it isn't, but each of our burdens are our own, this is mine,
maybe I'll write more, more reuglarly.
but I might not, someone might make fun of my shitty spelling
heddwch
G
Why?
dunno. no good answer. But maybe like all the breaks I take, they are designed to shed the hangers on, not the die hahds.
Life's strange. You know this. Anyone reading this has probably a few years on me or if not, you'll get there soon and know what I'm talking about.
My path is different.
Being different fucking sucks.
It means you can totally derail your day thinking about the fight you had with another kid in 6th grade and how all you want to do is find his all star athlete high school glory day fat ass and punch him square in the face.
But I won't. It won't fix anything. Won't help me. If i make it another decade or two it will just bother me the way the initial stuff does.
Things keep adding up, unaccounted variables. I try to keep doing what I can do, try to keep striving to be the best I can, falling short means I am hard on myself. no one else gives a shit if i do well or not, get it done well or not. The razor edge of my awareness. Uninfluenced by others, for good but mostly failing to meet my own standards, or the standards I see others seemingly easily achieve.
First blog back shouldn't be this, but it is. I've spent a couple months not drinking, absolutely no change, didn't lose weight, didn't feel any different, wasn't quite a tired, had a couple xtra dollars in my wallet (that I spent on burritos from Bagel Gormet) but no net positive change.
Not the best eh?
Could be worse.
Always could be worse. And i'm still guilty and grateful that it isn't, but each of our burdens are our own, this is mine,
maybe I'll write more, more reuglarly.
but I might not, someone might make fun of my shitty spelling
heddwch
G
Friday, May 04, 2018
Thursday, February 08, 2018
I should use more words
But listen to this:
https://youtu.be/WB3IQMZm7CQ
this mother fucker gets it...
an absolute inspriration to me growing up...
his words, his novels...
i've been thinking a lot about that dude who died, the story i posted yesteday, if i spoiled it for you i'm sorry, i read it with hope that his ginger ass would succeed, but he didn't. Fueling. not enough fat, too many carbs.
life...
live like the inuits... Mowat's whole convention... if we don't we're doomed. And pretty much I can't disagree with him, we are.
still. even more so maybe in light of the politics of this fucked up nation we live in...
I should try and sleep, but oddly want to write, after listening to one of the absolute pillars of my formative years talk.
I do what i do. it is what it is. It is really for others. and hopefully i'll come to terms with it... some day...
heddwch
G
https://youtu.be/WB3IQMZm7CQ
this mother fucker gets it...
an absolute inspriration to me growing up...
his words, his novels...
i've been thinking a lot about that dude who died, the story i posted yesteday, if i spoiled it for you i'm sorry, i read it with hope that his ginger ass would succeed, but he didn't. Fueling. not enough fat, too many carbs.
life...
live like the inuits... Mowat's whole convention... if we don't we're doomed. And pretty much I can't disagree with him, we are.
still. even more so maybe in light of the politics of this fucked up nation we live in...
I should try and sleep, but oddly want to write, after listening to one of the absolute pillars of my formative years talk.
I do what i do. it is what it is. It is really for others. and hopefully i'll come to terms with it... some day...
heddwch
G
Wednesday, February 07, 2018
Still here
it has been a while, i know...
much to say, maybe soon. I almost wrote about the ride on sunday, maybe I will.
Things are different, busier than i could ever imagined, but fulfilling in a different way than before.
More alone and isolated but the introvert side is relishing it, and the absence of CX race socialization was surprisingly not missed...
I took a bit more time than I should have and read this. Start to finish.
Fucking hell the New Yorker has long articles. This one was worth it, esp since I didn't know how it ended...
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/02/12/the-white-darkness
I'll be back, sooner maybe? I miss writing, even if it just the act of doing a web log centered around me. I mean what's the importance of me? That said there were moments of reading that essay that reminded me of the days of just trying to get to the 100 mile mark. Or riding all day in shitty weather, low on fuel and just trying to get home so I can stop. Riding through the heat of the summer with empty bottles hoping to get home before the worst happens. Incredibly minor personal threats, but being stubborn and wanting to finish alone and unassisted is kind of the same mental state.
Maybe that's where i'm at now, working more than ever for the same pay check but deliberately pushing on because that's what I do?
and I'm still at work...
wrapping up or i'll never escape.
i hope the ice has melted. studded tire bike is at home...
heddwch
g
much to say, maybe soon. I almost wrote about the ride on sunday, maybe I will.
Things are different, busier than i could ever imagined, but fulfilling in a different way than before.
More alone and isolated but the introvert side is relishing it, and the absence of CX race socialization was surprisingly not missed...
I took a bit more time than I should have and read this. Start to finish.
Fucking hell the New Yorker has long articles. This one was worth it, esp since I didn't know how it ended...
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/02/12/the-white-darkness
I'll be back, sooner maybe? I miss writing, even if it just the act of doing a web log centered around me. I mean what's the importance of me? That said there were moments of reading that essay that reminded me of the days of just trying to get to the 100 mile mark. Or riding all day in shitty weather, low on fuel and just trying to get home so I can stop. Riding through the heat of the summer with empty bottles hoping to get home before the worst happens. Incredibly minor personal threats, but being stubborn and wanting to finish alone and unassisted is kind of the same mental state.
Maybe that's where i'm at now, working more than ever for the same pay check but deliberately pushing on because that's what I do?
and I'm still at work...
wrapping up or i'll never escape.
i hope the ice has melted. studded tire bike is at home...
heddwch
g
Sunday, December 03, 2017
Ugh
Everyone said "go to the cross race, you'll really regret it if you don't, you need to connect with friends"
Dumbest idea ever, waste of an afternoon. I don't regret hanging with those I was able to, seeing and reconnecting with good friends, more failure of other aspects.
I'm on sick a negative headspace right now that I should stop before I say more.
But I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more than disappointment from some people who I have everything to.
Should have stayed home.
Now to make dinner.
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Good Bye Dear Sir
Pinacle of your birth year, standard bearer for your cadre.
You lived your life as a social worker, helping others till mandated retirement.
You kicked prostate cancer in the ass, lost your ass in the process and wore a shit bag for 17 years.
Freddie. I miss already miss you. Your wife is amazing, but you were special.
I'm failing writing beyond this...
never will i ever forget your sparkling eyes, your enigmatic smile, your love fore life and the love for the underdog.
the recognition that we fight against the exploiters every day, and every minor win should be seen as a victory...
I will forever miss your counsel.
grateful for the moments you shared with me... looking at your children I'm absolutely in awe and hope I can be as much a father to mine as you were to yours.
Rest in Peace Freddie...
we're gonna miss you terribly... but at least you don't have to suffer anymore of this Trump bullshit, maybe you're the lucky one.
your spirit will live through me, internally, and from me those i can reach, and through them you...
heddwch
G
You lived your life as a social worker, helping others till mandated retirement.
You kicked prostate cancer in the ass, lost your ass in the process and wore a shit bag for 17 years.
Freddie. I miss already miss you. Your wife is amazing, but you were special.
I'm failing writing beyond this...
never will i ever forget your sparkling eyes, your enigmatic smile, your love fore life and the love for the underdog.
the recognition that we fight against the exploiters every day, and every minor win should be seen as a victory...
I will forever miss your counsel.
grateful for the moments you shared with me... looking at your children I'm absolutely in awe and hope I can be as much a father to mine as you were to yours.
Rest in Peace Freddie...
we're gonna miss you terribly... but at least you don't have to suffer anymore of this Trump bullshit, maybe you're the lucky one.
your spirit will live through me, internally, and from me those i can reach, and through them you...
heddwch
G
Thursday, October 26, 2017
time ... POOF
between demos, de-installs and new installs...
this is about as much time as I have to write.
i also just finished lunch because sometimes the simplest shit gets time consuming and complicated.
haven't ridden the new bike since before CO
that's like a month almost
weird shit man
heddwch
G
this is about as much time as I have to write.
i also just finished lunch because sometimes the simplest shit gets time consuming and complicated.
haven't ridden the new bike since before CO
that's like a month almost
weird shit man
heddwch
G
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Ah a TBT
Almost clicked the "share this memory" button on face place...
but didn't,
I did read through it though,
this was the memory: http://velocb.blogspot.com/2015/10/when-bodies-hit-floor.html
and well, I smiled, that was a good race
On the ride in this morning I also had a pang of heart break as I remembered Chris M, and his hugs at MRC/Midnight Ride/Bolton Fairgrounds specifically the the FB memory tied in well with that ache
Missing him.
But hey lets toss something positive in here. Tomac. The Legend.
This is a great video to spend a few minutes watching.
heddwch
G
but didn't,
I did read through it though,
this was the memory: http://velocb.blogspot.com/2015/10/when-bodies-hit-floor.html
and well, I smiled, that was a good race
On the ride in this morning I also had a pang of heart break as I remembered Chris M, and his hugs at MRC/Midnight Ride/Bolton Fairgrounds specifically the the FB memory tied in well with that ache
Missing him.
But hey lets toss something positive in here. Tomac. The Legend.
This is a great video to spend a few minutes watching.
heddwch
G
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Avoidance? or Unavoidable acceptance?
What you talking about now fool?
Me? Oh the normal.
Cyclocross.
What else is there to talk about in the fall?
What else do you do in the fall?
Me? Oh the normal.
Cyclocross.
What else is there to talk about in the fall?
What else do you do in the fall?
Monday, October 02, 2017
Checking in
Cross posting from here, can't seem to get image here from mobile app so click for photo
https://www.instagram.com/p/BZxVu0vjrKR/
It is intensely gorgeous here. I'm constantly trying to capture what is here, and feel like I'm failing to do more than collect the roughest of sketches. The scope and granduer of the San Luis Valley, the Rio Grande National Forest and all the surrounds is humbling.
We met two men riding bikes from Canada to Mexico along the divide trail while we were cutting wood up on Carnero Pass. One remarked it was such a needed escape from the state to the world. Humbling and heart warming to be reminded of the natural beauty, and the open and welcoming people you meet in person along such a journey.
Lots of words, many more photos not shared but maybe I'll find a place for those who want to see them. We've got a few more days of high altitude work, aside from getting winded a bit easily it is pretty nice here at 7,707'
Heddwch
G
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
9/12 smackdoiwn report
seems that the delicate balance of a fast group ride with a handful of people and a range of abilities is too complicated for some to grasp, or it is a cocept that these new fast kids who found cycling, showed some talent, got a coach and a power meter seem to have never learned.
I'm no way in shape even two weeks ago as an odd peak in speed seemed to happen to stay in the lead group. We has a good second group together coming up Rocky hill and then the front group doubled back for some odd reason.
still wrestling with how to get them to get it. how to get them to realize that there is always someone who is the fastest in the group ride like smackdown and those who get dropped. However the fastest has a choice. They can look around and keep the pace high enough to keep a selection of fast riders together. The slowest can only hope to hang on a bit longer than the week before.
Regroup points are designed to allow the fastest to go hard and win the sprint points but then wait for those around that they dropped to get back on and get going again. Not to wait for the old tired slow out of shape non-racing big guy on the cyclocross bike.
I rolled up hillside abjectly and absolutely alone. And they were all hanging out. WTF leave me to my suffering... ugh. I got dropped waiting for Mark, who never really showed up until Syl and I stopped completely at 152 to wait. He appeared and we rode back together.
Caroline and Burke took the shortcut through Wheeler, and i just didn't want to cut the course short, wanted to know what the metric was on the loop segment. More time alone.
The ride was good. I can feel a bit more strength coming back, I feel good and solid on the bike, just not as fast as I would like but fast enough that when things come together it is good.
CX practice took a bit of the edge off my legs this morning, as did a bit of the day, and a couple nights in a row with sub-optimal sleep and no down time at all.
But it was good, only a few more rides, gonna ruminate on how best to try and help the insanely fast kids figure out how to not be frustrated on the ride.
BB on the black blue is creaking differently now, maybe this crank (the older one) is starting to fail... that's not ideal... could just be the BB though, maybe the frame is dying... It has a couple more rides at least perhaps. the new bike isn't going to be ready for duty and it will be CXy only and single speed for now.
I'm not trying to get fast enough to run the smackdown like I did for a while, I just want to help those who are fast enough to understand and get out of the ride what so many have in the past.
my brain is really tired right now, so is the body, maybe this bodes well for sleeping... time to wash the salt off from the ride and unplug for a bit,
heddwch
G
I'm no way in shape even two weeks ago as an odd peak in speed seemed to happen to stay in the lead group. We has a good second group together coming up Rocky hill and then the front group doubled back for some odd reason.
still wrestling with how to get them to get it. how to get them to realize that there is always someone who is the fastest in the group ride like smackdown and those who get dropped. However the fastest has a choice. They can look around and keep the pace high enough to keep a selection of fast riders together. The slowest can only hope to hang on a bit longer than the week before.
Regroup points are designed to allow the fastest to go hard and win the sprint points but then wait for those around that they dropped to get back on and get going again. Not to wait for the old tired slow out of shape non-racing big guy on the cyclocross bike.
I rolled up hillside abjectly and absolutely alone. And they were all hanging out. WTF leave me to my suffering... ugh. I got dropped waiting for Mark, who never really showed up until Syl and I stopped completely at 152 to wait. He appeared and we rode back together.
Caroline and Burke took the shortcut through Wheeler, and i just didn't want to cut the course short, wanted to know what the metric was on the loop segment. More time alone.
The ride was good. I can feel a bit more strength coming back, I feel good and solid on the bike, just not as fast as I would like but fast enough that when things come together it is good.
CX practice took a bit of the edge off my legs this morning, as did a bit of the day, and a couple nights in a row with sub-optimal sleep and no down time at all.
But it was good, only a few more rides, gonna ruminate on how best to try and help the insanely fast kids figure out how to not be frustrated on the ride.
BB on the black blue is creaking differently now, maybe this crank (the older one) is starting to fail... that's not ideal... could just be the BB though, maybe the frame is dying... It has a couple more rides at least perhaps. the new bike isn't going to be ready for duty and it will be CXy only and single speed for now.
I'm not trying to get fast enough to run the smackdown like I did for a while, I just want to help those who are fast enough to understand and get out of the ride what so many have in the past.
my brain is really tired right now, so is the body, maybe this bodes well for sleeping... time to wash the salt off from the ride and unplug for a bit,
heddwch
G
TAKIN TIME OFF HOLY CRAP
Booked some flights dude. Heading to ColoRADo for a week. With my brothers. All fahkin four of us dude.
Dad's not doing great, and yeah maybe we all need to spread it out but maybe that's next step, currently we'll all be there, together, do what we can do, gather firewood for the winter, help cook big piles of meals and freeze and portion them out, work on shit around the house for him, drink lots of cheap beer.
Not so much a vacation as a change of scenery but it will be a good thing.
This morning started way better than yesterday, shitty night sleep but oddly shitty, not for a good reason, just one weird dream, then randomly waking up. Nothing to pin it on. Got up earlier to try and make it to India Point Park for CX skills and drills with Marcus. Dani and David B where there when I finally rolled up later than planned. But still with plenty to do. Worked on some remounts with them, set up a mini-course with the cones I brought, did a handful of mini-races. Start, two laps, dismount and run up hill, first one with a wrong side off camber dismount to help figure out how to conquer that, then a longer run with require shouldering of the bike. I did the latter one a couple times, on road tires, stating on grass and dirt with slicks kind of don't work, spun the tires a bit and the turns are less than confidence inspiring with 28s and 80psi.
Felt good to open up the lungs and sprint up hill with the bike.
Just got an email with order confirmation from Trek saying the crockett is ON THE WAY, shit i better order the cranks. Lighting fire to the credit card this week i guess, not cheap ticket to CO, bike, cranks and other bits to make it work... oof, oh well, it is only money. At least there are still bikes to build. But that season is winding down slowly... but IIRC by this time last year I was done at the other shop, this one should keep rolling for a bit longer, they may cut enough other staff that maybe I'll stay on even longer than I am anticipating. We'll see.
Okay, I've snacked and written enough, fixed one issue, waiting for call back from service engineers on two more. Productive but relaxed morning and words that aren't grumpy and dark for a change.
SMACKDOWN TONIGHT, and well, Dani is back and she's going to be there and she's going to rip everyone's legs off. Very likely looking like there'll be two groups. Hopefully big Eian will be there and I can motorpace a bit.
as always: we'll see
heddwch
G
Dad's not doing great, and yeah maybe we all need to spread it out but maybe that's next step, currently we'll all be there, together, do what we can do, gather firewood for the winter, help cook big piles of meals and freeze and portion them out, work on shit around the house for him, drink lots of cheap beer.
Not so much a vacation as a change of scenery but it will be a good thing.
This morning started way better than yesterday, shitty night sleep but oddly shitty, not for a good reason, just one weird dream, then randomly waking up. Nothing to pin it on. Got up earlier to try and make it to India Point Park for CX skills and drills with Marcus. Dani and David B where there when I finally rolled up later than planned. But still with plenty to do. Worked on some remounts with them, set up a mini-course with the cones I brought, did a handful of mini-races. Start, two laps, dismount and run up hill, first one with a wrong side off camber dismount to help figure out how to conquer that, then a longer run with require shouldering of the bike. I did the latter one a couple times, on road tires, stating on grass and dirt with slicks kind of don't work, spun the tires a bit and the turns are less than confidence inspiring with 28s and 80psi.
Felt good to open up the lungs and sprint up hill with the bike.
Just got an email with order confirmation from Trek saying the crockett is ON THE WAY, shit i better order the cranks. Lighting fire to the credit card this week i guess, not cheap ticket to CO, bike, cranks and other bits to make it work... oof, oh well, it is only money. At least there are still bikes to build. But that season is winding down slowly... but IIRC by this time last year I was done at the other shop, this one should keep rolling for a bit longer, they may cut enough other staff that maybe I'll stay on even longer than I am anticipating. We'll see.
Okay, I've snacked and written enough, fixed one issue, waiting for call back from service engineers on two more. Productive but relaxed morning and words that aren't grumpy and dark for a change.
SMACKDOWN TONIGHT, and well, Dani is back and she's going to be there and she's going to rip everyone's legs off. Very likely looking like there'll be two groups. Hopefully big Eian will be there and I can motorpace a bit.
as always: we'll see
heddwch
G
Monday, September 11, 2017
had an idea
how about I don't write at night and don't post...
if I write then leave it as a draft, edit in the morning when everything is fresh and new and awesome THEN post.'
idea i seem to like.
except i'm posting this in opposition to that concept...
smackdown tomorrow, we'll see if I can craft a web log of a bike ride after the fact...
be well, do good, spread peace
heddwch
G
if I write then leave it as a draft, edit in the morning when everything is fresh and new and awesome THEN post.'
idea i seem to like.
except i'm posting this in opposition to that concept...
smackdown tomorrow, we'll see if I can craft a web log of a bike ride after the fact...
be well, do good, spread peace
heddwch
G
Some mornings are slower than others
53°F was a bit cold at normal departure time. I am not sure where my knee warmers are, or where the knickers went after I wore them in July. Arm warmers accidentally got taken out of my bag at work on Friday.
So I waited until it warmed up just a touch.
Headed north, into the wind.
this rock caught the corner of my eye, the reflection and the concentric ripples mixing with the waves lapping the shore. The reflection was much bettter from up on the path but needed to get close to capture it, so I turned around, scrambled down to the water's edge and caught a few seconds of it...
a moment of zen (if video doesn't work check the instagram story for the next 24 hr or so)
a driver did a stupid pass and i got angry and asked him what he was doing, and well now he knows what a sharrow means and that the signs that say bikes may use full lane aren't just there to collect stickers and graffiti.... and I forgot about this till now...
moment of zen, revisit, calm,
not working really well honestly
trying to pull myself together... had a morning cancellation so that's not actually helping either. the little bits of busy work aren't doing a great job of distracting me.
And then the few moments of catching stuff on the social medias it is quad cross, maybe more disturbed that I'm not feeling like I wished I was there.
And yeah, I made a few edits to the late night web log post from last night... a couple have read it but best to re-read it with a more clear headed edit...
Not that i changed much of anything...
maybe i need to force myself to go sit on the SEM and look at a few samples that I processed last week... it has been months since I've sat down to do anything Nanoscape related.
maybe today is a good day to start.
heddwch
G
So I waited until it warmed up just a touch.
Headed north, into the wind.
this rock caught the corner of my eye, the reflection and the concentric ripples mixing with the waves lapping the shore. The reflection was much bettter from up on the path but needed to get close to capture it, so I turned around, scrambled down to the water's edge and caught a few seconds of it...
a moment of zen (if video doesn't work check the instagram story for the next 24 hr or so)
a driver did a stupid pass and i got angry and asked him what he was doing, and well now he knows what a sharrow means and that the signs that say bikes may use full lane aren't just there to collect stickers and graffiti.... and I forgot about this till now...
moment of zen, revisit, calm,
not working really well honestly
trying to pull myself together... had a morning cancellation so that's not actually helping either. the little bits of busy work aren't doing a great job of distracting me.
And then the few moments of catching stuff on the social medias it is quad cross, maybe more disturbed that I'm not feeling like I wished I was there.
And yeah, I made a few edits to the late night web log post from last night... a couple have read it but best to re-read it with a more clear headed edit...
Not that i changed much of anything...
maybe i need to force myself to go sit on the SEM and look at a few samples that I processed last week... it has been months since I've sat down to do anything Nanoscape related.
maybe today is a good day to start.
heddwch
G
Sunday, September 10, 2017
working on the last beer
in the house is probably not the best way to start a blog post,
nor is trying to read through GoT and getting to the part where Robb and his mom are killed and it seems Ary is too?
I dunno, I hate this book more than most any I've read but some how I keep reading it, maybe a cue as to how much I work to try and fit in, that's the couple beer in truth of the matter I suppose. I've always wanted to fit in, always felt excluded...
perils of the introverted extrovert or is it the extroverted introvert, who knows, mostly who cares...
it has been a productive weekend building bikes, i wish there was joy to be found in funding my soon to be shipped bike. But then yesterday instead of racing cross like everyone else I was building a couple Boone 5s and god damn those wheels SUCK (the are what ship with the Crockett I'm getting), holy shit are they heavy..... fuck.... guess i can ride em for a year until i can afford some Bontrager nice wheels... not these things... hell i'd build my own with some cheap chinese carbon but, nah, cost more than buying nice shit from the big T.
I'm good but a little not good.
Functional vs internal.
When was the last time I didn't drive up to Maynard to race at Quad cross? WHEN? Fuck I don't want to look at crossresults, libel to make me even more depressed....
Bikes are out of sorts anyway. No knobbies have been ridden since RdR and the RRRR and even then one got flat and the others only made it part of the ride...
CX is happening yet i'm not engaged.
A not insignificant part has seemed to recognize that I gave everything... too much? Yeah I still like it, resonates and Mikey F's comments in Pure Sweet Hell are true, to this day, but, me in the continually giving everything mode accidentally lost my mojo, did it just take a couple years to realize it? or in the years since losing it i've lost it by looking?. That last phrase is most likely true. Once i felt i needed to start looking for it, well it eluded me and has since. Makes sense. I pushed and forced and tried to make it happen,,, and drove the joy away...
my head is a mess,
i'm a mess...
am i ok? yeah i'm fine. I know I am blessed, I'm a lucky knucklehead, and that actually makes it all worse, or if not worse less easy to deal with
but i'll go to bed, won't read any more of this GoT (and to think the guy who wrote Tuff Voyaging wrote this fucking shit?) will just try and sleep and wake up, as I seem to do everyday with optimism, hope and enthusiasm...
I guess it is a good thing that I do really like the work I get paid to do...
tomorrow... new day....
heddwch
G
(yeah, I may read this after coffee in the morning and edit the fuck out of it, but i'm writing this to suggest to myself tomorrow that maybe we leave it as a placeholder to the very temporal state of mind, despite how bias it may be)
(AM note yeah i edited it a little)
nor is trying to read through GoT and getting to the part where Robb and his mom are killed and it seems Ary is too?
I dunno, I hate this book more than most any I've read but some how I keep reading it, maybe a cue as to how much I work to try and fit in, that's the couple beer in truth of the matter I suppose. I've always wanted to fit in, always felt excluded...
perils of the introverted extrovert or is it the extroverted introvert, who knows, mostly who cares...
it has been a productive weekend building bikes, i wish there was joy to be found in funding my soon to be shipped bike. But then yesterday instead of racing cross like everyone else I was building a couple Boone 5s and god damn those wheels SUCK (the are what ship with the Crockett I'm getting), holy shit are they heavy..... fuck.... guess i can ride em for a year until i can afford some Bontrager nice wheels... not these things... hell i'd build my own with some cheap chinese carbon but, nah, cost more than buying nice shit from the big T.
I'm good but a little not good.
Functional vs internal.
When was the last time I didn't drive up to Maynard to race at Quad cross? WHEN? Fuck I don't want to look at crossresults, libel to make me even more depressed....
Bikes are out of sorts anyway. No knobbies have been ridden since RdR and the RRRR and even then one got flat and the others only made it part of the ride...
CX is happening yet i'm not engaged.
A not insignificant part has seemed to recognize that I gave everything... too much? Yeah I still like it, resonates and Mikey F's comments in Pure Sweet Hell are true, to this day, but, me in the continually giving everything mode accidentally lost my mojo, did it just take a couple years to realize it? or in the years since losing it i've lost it by looking?. That last phrase is most likely true. Once i felt i needed to start looking for it, well it eluded me and has since. Makes sense. I pushed and forced and tried to make it happen,,, and drove the joy away...
my head is a mess,
i'm a mess...
am i ok? yeah i'm fine. I know I am blessed, I'm a lucky knucklehead, and that actually makes it all worse, or if not worse less easy to deal with
but i'll go to bed, won't read any more of this GoT (and to think the guy who wrote Tuff Voyaging wrote this fucking shit?) will just try and sleep and wake up, as I seem to do everyday with optimism, hope and enthusiasm...
I guess it is a good thing that I do really like the work I get paid to do...
tomorrow... new day....
heddwch
G
(yeah, I may read this after coffee in the morning and edit the fuck out of it, but i'm writing this to suggest to myself tomorrow that maybe we leave it as a placeholder to the very temporal state of mind, despite how bias it may be)
(AM note yeah i edited it a little)
Monday, September 04, 2017
Well today didn't go as planned
Replace kitchen sink faucet
that last one wasn't on the list.
Last night i noticed a pile of water on the floor mid-through dinner.
A dripping off the counter. "Man I must have splashed way more water than I thought"
nope...
oh shit there is puddling under the faucet. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SERVICE THIS? Damnit "must be cheap, can't get handles off can't replace valve seats, damn DPO and disposo stuff"
Wake up, wash all the dishes, look at stuff on options at Home Depot....
Call brother on the way "get a Delta or American Standard, DO NOT get a Pfister (yeah lets not talk about fisting her) or a glacier bay, oh by the way, our dad fell yesterday again, had to call 911, couldn't get up, but he's okay"
Another comment "If you get it installed with one trip to the big orange box store then you're lucky, never has happened before."
Spoiler: ONE TRIP FTW!
Got what I needed, out the door at under $100, used everything I bought, works really well.
Nothing to return no need to go back...
until... i had the old one out, noticed some etching on the backside, took a bit to decode it, Grohe, hmmm made in Germany... awe shit.... what did i just do, Fucking Germans, designing shit that you can't fix unless you know the secret double handshake mechanical way they are put together (aka VW ALH TDIs).... HEY LOOK IT ACTUALLY CAN BE SERVICED AND FIXED.... fuck...
spent an hour waffling between crawling back under the sink and taking it all back apart and returning the faucet and stuff.... then searched for this particular seal (fucking crazy rubber seal, not just a rubber washer and unobtanium on the internets) but you can by the ceramic cartridge for $20-$40.... each, and they were both leaking. And after taking the hot water side out, well that side is scaled up close to 50% of the diameter of the internal plumbing.
Could fix?
yes.
There are elements to this new one I like way more than the old one. And it has lower GPM flow (saves $$) so... yeah I'll keep the old one, maybe use it for something down the road, It is solid, heavy and the ceramic valve things are cool.
But instead of building bikes and making $$ or getting the oil to do the oil change on the Volvo today, I was a plumber.
But we did make it to the Clam Shack on their last night open in Riverside.
Fish sandwich. Honestly? really fucking good. a bit salty, but i'll just drink some more water.
Had a bit of uncontrolled anxiety, wife texted "landed" then a bit later nothing so I replied "status" and got a "still on the plane" then nothing.... plan was to silverline then MTBA to PVD... but nothing, email, twitter, text, phone, unresponsive...
fuck... sure easy answer is "battery is dead" but other options are far scarier, you know stolen phone, lost phone, left on plane, i'll leave off why these are all really scary options.
I tried to read a book, nope, brain was not having it... got a rando call... actually answered it, she was at the PVD train station. She actually used a public pay phone to call me. How about that.
End? yeah, phone wouldn't take a charge anywhere, battery would charge out of a particular outlet but not phone (voltage requirements for specific transformers likely) and it was just dead, not lost/stolen/compromised.
Oh but between that more plumbing shenanigans (i fixed them too, w/o trip to orange box store)....
Pedal? Nope. Not for a couple days.
Should be well rested for Smackdown tomorrow. But super tied up all day, no chance of finding some fancy function to drink 7.8% abv pints before like last week. Hopefully big Eian will be there and I'll drink lots of water to be hydrated and maybe I can get close to last weeks anomaly.
oddly completely jacked right now, wide afuckingwake.... wish I could find some blog that puts me to sleep the way this one does to solobreak.
even then... attention span runs short and i look for other things or brain won't let me chillax...
current status the latter. ca
deleting so many twitter responses tonight, so many... fixating on one that lumped alt-right and alt-left (literally wtf) and Nazi and Anti-Fascists together as all bad... and my brain hurts, my heart hurts and I want the punch the fuck out of that guy (of course it is a guy but well, i got into a discussion with a not guy suggesting that the violence was a problem - fine but then lets call BLM terrorists but not the Alt-Right).... I MEAN WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK... PRETTY SURE NEARLY ALL OF THE DOMESTIC TERRORIST EVENTS ARE DONE BY ALT-RIGHT NAZI LEANING WHITE DUDES
le sigh... so some Antifa folks get a bit violent, did THEY drive the car into the crowd killing people?
a
Nope...
so tempted to tweet that to this particular individual... but....
sigh...
i'm kind of going to be the cynic and guess this asshole wrote that JUST to go viral...
Oh and while working on sunday I remembered what I thought I forgot... referencing the edited comment from saturday night, the one where I didn't remember, but I remember...
It was better not remembering....
although I pretty much have daily reminders....
unrelated: I've been listening to WBRU.com way more while not driving, maybe compensating for not listening while driving? Downside? repetition. Upside? I KNOW ALL THE LYRICS AND CAN SING ALONG (in my head)....
Tomorrow is going to be here WAY too soon and WAY too early and i'm not ready for it...
Hey at least I wore eye protection while replacing the kitchen faucet, nothing fell in my eyes this time.
I was gonna crack another mini-beer (aka 12 oz) but i had a pint of water and will sign off and attempt sleep.
be well,
do good,
think of others,
punch Nazis,
and
heddwch
G
Sunday, September 03, 2017
COFFEE TIME
Woke up, finished loading the dishwasher, made coffee, edited last night's ramblings.
Wasn't comfortable with a few of the things, felt some needed more explanation so I made a pile of edits.
Going to finish some coffee... contemplate a second cup or just head to the bike shop before I need another one and make some there...
want to get some steaks coated in a dry rub of spices so we can make some steak tacos tonight. started soaking some adzuki beans as well.
Ah hell, coffee is gone, still a bunch to do here at home before heading in to work. Best make another cup of coffee, that or start drinking beer, but not before work.
Also shit, I need to order the cranks for the bike still...
contemplating gearing though, 34T is so small, but since it wears out more quickly I can just wait to replace it with a bigger size, and maybe i should try running a gear closer to the 2.0 magic people talk about than the 2.7 gear ratio i tend to race SSCX on. I def can't get out of the corner as quickly, with it but it is great on the straights but usually by then It is too late... 34x15 (2.26) is what i'm currently thinking, a bit light for the road, but probably good for the woods, and if i have to spin, i will, at least it will help with the aerobic capacity to move my legs faster. I know the torque is still there, esp cranking around on the 44x16 (2.75) commuter. I've heard people call 36x16 (2.25) magic sooo... also Myerspace complained of having too tall of a gear for the SSCX National championship, the lighter geared folks got moving from the start faster and faster out of the corners. Maybe I'm not too old to change... gear philosophy.
And then hey - Shimano doesn't sell the 1x11 XT crank with rings (on the Industry pro deal page) so maybe i'll be able to go with bigger ring anyway.... AND NOW kind of thinking maybe get an XT crank and put it on the White blue, but that would be just sitting around I'm guessing and maybe I just need to find some tall kid who needs a CX frame and get rid of it.
So yes, while i've actually pulled the trigger on the new bike, I don't have it fully figured out yet. Of course.
Over. Think, EVERYTHING!
best to step away from the computer and get back to doing shit so I can go to work.
heddwch
G
Wasn't comfortable with a few of the things, felt some needed more explanation so I made a pile of edits.
Going to finish some coffee... contemplate a second cup or just head to the bike shop before I need another one and make some there...
want to get some steaks coated in a dry rub of spices so we can make some steak tacos tonight. started soaking some adzuki beans as well.
Ah hell, coffee is gone, still a bunch to do here at home before heading in to work. Best make another cup of coffee, that or start drinking beer, but not before work.
Also shit, I need to order the cranks for the bike still...
contemplating gearing though, 34T is so small, but since it wears out more quickly I can just wait to replace it with a bigger size, and maybe i should try running a gear closer to the 2.0 magic people talk about than the 2.7 gear ratio i tend to race SSCX on. I def can't get out of the corner as quickly, with it but it is great on the straights but usually by then It is too late... 34x15 (2.26) is what i'm currently thinking, a bit light for the road, but probably good for the woods, and if i have to spin, i will, at least it will help with the aerobic capacity to move my legs faster. I know the torque is still there, esp cranking around on the 44x16 (2.75) commuter. I've heard people call 36x16 (2.25) magic sooo... also Myerspace complained of having too tall of a gear for the SSCX National championship, the lighter geared folks got moving from the start faster and faster out of the corners. Maybe I'm not too old to change... gear philosophy.
And then hey - Shimano doesn't sell the 1x11 XT crank with rings (on the Industry pro deal page) so maybe i'll be able to go with bigger ring anyway.... AND NOW kind of thinking maybe get an XT crank and put it on the White blue, but that would be just sitting around I'm guessing and maybe I just need to find some tall kid who needs a CX frame and get rid of it.
So yes, while i've actually pulled the trigger on the new bike, I don't have it fully figured out yet. Of course.
Over. Think, EVERYTHING!
best to step away from the computer and get back to doing shit so I can go to work.
heddwch
G
Saturday, September 02, 2017
post b-day musings
I guess at some point you stop getting a birthday greeting by your wife in the morning and stop getting birthday cards in the mail completely.
I hit that this year.
Yes. I've tried to reverse the abjectly negative impact my birthday has for years. Years.
Finally all chips in gonna take charge of my 40th, the milestone so many others celebrate and one i've participated in numerous times, I mean at that point my wife said, look i don't know your friends if you want a big party go ahead and plan it. So I started to and my little sister fucks it up. BIG TIME. Actually made it even worse.
if possible. but understandably possible,
because it is my birthday and it pretty much always sucks.
always has... i mean sometimes I think it might be great, but before I fall asleep it goes sideways, every. fucking. year.
yeah, that one in cali - at my grandmother's house, fancy fire truck birthday party, i was ignored so hard core despite all the kids there that I still remember it 40+ years later partly my own fault I suppose, I was shy, didn't really want to be by was. Already internally conflicted before I turned 6.
Having 3 brothers with birthdays mid-year and big parties with all their friends didn't help this life long depression around the this day. It helps understand and i dunno, I hold nothing against them or anyone, hmm maybe carrying all the blame myself is a problem. Anyway, my birthday was always before school started. And was just before school started, and just before Bumbershoot, gotta prep for festival, booth, harps, music, practice, concerts... always overshadowed, but you understand right GeWilli? yeah, i get it, then, now, 6 years ago, always.
But seriously so fucking strange, not to get a single card in the mail. Or not. Remarkable only for the fact that it has never happened before. Actually kind of entertaining to be honest, it makes me chuckle.
A new milestone, a first.
it was a bit depressing getting the mail and seeing nothing but junk or bills... But then Labor day and back to school and shit, 'You understand right GeWilli?" I mean I shouldn't care, right? i'm def getting used to it and rolling with it in stride...
and in reality? Why should I give a shit if almost no one recognizes my birthday, at least my Mother remembers. As one might hope, birth is traumatic, a remarkable event. At least it was before drugged induced painless birth.
I started off this whole thing with a point, but I think I lost it.
Probably for the best.
Talked to Frankie McC today while he was picking up Brendan's bikes, Jason was putting in the BB on both bikes. It was good, kind of an extra affirmation that i'm doing the right thing stepping away this season.
I identified a key element to the struggle, yet not sure how to address it, and not sure I even want to post it here as even though I know it is legit and true it feels pretty shitty given all my blessings... (but now editing it this comment is too cryptic even for me to remember what I was referencing- oops)
(and removed, not even saved a draft about that meeting pre-amble - so if you did read it well we're the only ones who remember it, it needed way too much editing to fix and explain emotions and i was less clear about department divisions than i should have been, as always gewilli stands alone, an outlier, not part of a group, that's the easiest way to put it)
In the deleted section I talked about being very intrinsically motivated to be the best at my job that I get paid to do, even if it is a bit lonely as an outlier, you think I'd be used to that now. Call it the Introvert/Extrovert conflict/tension within myself. With GeWilli expectations...
maybe that's what's making not racing easier, I know have no intrinsic gift to go fast, never had, and even at my peak in 2013 it was so extrinsically motivated (until I blew up the sub patellar bursa and lost a few weeks later) i'm really happy not dealing with the stress of knowing i'll get lapped given current fitness. I've had enough of that. I'm looking forward to the new bike, maybe finding a SSCX race to jump in just to pin a number on.
Mostly looking forward to just riding. Assuming I can make that happen. I keep thinking "yeah I'll start doing more than commuting this week" only to be confronted with the "hey dude what the fuck are you thinking hahahahaha"
With my wife in Disneyland having fun with her friends rubbing salt in the wounds of not really having any friends to hang out with and not having more than one or two days off since December... I mean I guess I have friends but no time to hang out? that's the positive way to spin it, even if hanging out digitally seemed to work in the past before something or other... I've got responsibilities now that go beyond me, and that's okay. Makes the internal conflict tolerable and is why I wake up in the morning ready to go and to get shit done. Once I have coffee, and a few minutes of quiet time.
at least no one reads this much anymore... sending the best and warmest wishes to all y'all who still manage to follow this bullshit i write about. I'll try and start riding more so I can talk more about pedaling and less about mental state and struggles that shouldn't be struggles given what so many are going through...
be well,
heddwch,
g
I hit that this year.
Yes. I've tried to reverse the abjectly negative impact my birthday has for years. Years.
Finally all chips in gonna take charge of my 40th, the milestone so many others celebrate and one i've participated in numerous times, I mean at that point my wife said, look i don't know your friends if you want a big party go ahead and plan it. So I started to and my little sister fucks it up. BIG TIME. Actually made it even worse.
if possible. but understandably possible,
because it is my birthday and it pretty much always sucks.
always has... i mean sometimes I think it might be great, but before I fall asleep it goes sideways, every. fucking. year.
yeah, that one in cali - at my grandmother's house, fancy fire truck birthday party, i was ignored so hard core despite all the kids there that I still remember it 40+ years later partly my own fault I suppose, I was shy, didn't really want to be by was. Already internally conflicted before I turned 6.
Having 3 brothers with birthdays mid-year and big parties with all their friends didn't help this life long depression around the this day. It helps understand and i dunno, I hold nothing against them or anyone, hmm maybe carrying all the blame myself is a problem. Anyway, my birthday was always before school started. And was just before school started, and just before Bumbershoot, gotta prep for festival, booth, harps, music, practice, concerts... always overshadowed, but you understand right GeWilli? yeah, i get it, then, now, 6 years ago, always.
But seriously so fucking strange, not to get a single card in the mail. Or not. Remarkable only for the fact that it has never happened before. Actually kind of entertaining to be honest, it makes me chuckle.
A new milestone, a first.
it was a bit depressing getting the mail and seeing nothing but junk or bills... But then Labor day and back to school and shit, 'You understand right GeWilli?" I mean I shouldn't care, right? i'm def getting used to it and rolling with it in stride...
and in reality? Why should I give a shit if almost no one recognizes my birthday, at least my Mother remembers. As one might hope, birth is traumatic, a remarkable event. At least it was before drugged induced painless birth.
I started off this whole thing with a point, but I think I lost it.
Probably for the best.
Talked to Frankie McC today while he was picking up Brendan's bikes, Jason was putting in the BB on both bikes. It was good, kind of an extra affirmation that i'm doing the right thing stepping away this season.
I identified a key element to the struggle, yet not sure how to address it, and not sure I even want to post it here as even though I know it is legit and true it feels pretty shitty given all my blessings... (but now editing it this comment is too cryptic even for me to remember what I was referencing- oops)
(and removed, not even saved a draft about that meeting pre-amble - so if you did read it well we're the only ones who remember it, it needed way too much editing to fix and explain emotions and i was less clear about department divisions than i should have been, as always gewilli stands alone, an outlier, not part of a group, that's the easiest way to put it)
In the deleted section I talked about being very intrinsically motivated to be the best at my job that I get paid to do, even if it is a bit lonely as an outlier, you think I'd be used to that now. Call it the Introvert/Extrovert conflict/tension within myself. With GeWilli expectations...
maybe that's what's making not racing easier, I know have no intrinsic gift to go fast, never had, and even at my peak in 2013 it was so extrinsically motivated (until I blew up the sub patellar bursa and lost a few weeks later) i'm really happy not dealing with the stress of knowing i'll get lapped given current fitness. I've had enough of that. I'm looking forward to the new bike, maybe finding a SSCX race to jump in just to pin a number on.
Mostly looking forward to just riding. Assuming I can make that happen. I keep thinking "yeah I'll start doing more than commuting this week" only to be confronted with the "hey dude what the fuck are you thinking hahahahaha"
With my wife in Disneyland having fun with her friends rubbing salt in the wounds of not really having any friends to hang out with and not having more than one or two days off since December... I mean I guess I have friends but no time to hang out? that's the positive way to spin it, even if hanging out digitally seemed to work in the past before something or other... I've got responsibilities now that go beyond me, and that's okay. Makes the internal conflict tolerable and is why I wake up in the morning ready to go and to get shit done. Once I have coffee, and a few minutes of quiet time.
at least no one reads this much anymore... sending the best and warmest wishes to all y'all who still manage to follow this bullshit i write about. I'll try and start riding more so I can talk more about pedaling and less about mental state and struggles that shouldn't be struggles given what so many are going through...
be well,
heddwch,
g
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
deep space, can you hear me?
drifting like major tom...
feeling at least,
i'm pretty fucking exhausted after the last couple days...
today wasn't much better, or was significantly worse...
i'm aware of my blessings, but somehow cursed with the awareness of my shortcomings and failings... guess which carry more weight in my being?
could have been okay if first thing I heard today was "Happy Birthday" but no I heard "can you make me an omelette pocket?" yes of course... i can and will and... not trying to martyr but just being open and honest
maybe too honest, and maybe I shouldn't say that today would have been perfect if i'd heard the greetings sometime before i left for the retreat. Sometime before BG texted me in the late morning.
Yeah, everyone else had big things going on, first day of 7th grade and all... and that's awesome, I def don't want to take anything away from that.
but i'm fucking exhausted and still awake (been up since 5 am it is closer to 11 pm than I would like) .
my oldest did make a wonderful dinner, with significant consultation help from me though, but i respect the fact that one must ask those who know when you don't... it was very satisfying.
i shut down my FB wall, didn't want people posting there, granted it is usually one or two but they all know how to contact me off of FB so let them.
I got a wonderful email from TD today, helpful, and positive and good... def was what kept the scales from tipping wildly out of balance... that and the beer at lunch perhaps... and the sheer exhaustion preventing me from being able to even emotionally give much more than a tiny shit.
where to go?
forward, ever forward, never straight....
the next good number of days are going to be tough,
but hey, not like the last 9-20 months have been easy... should be a piece of cake.
yeah, sorry TD, I know, I know, i'm blessed, i've been gifted the choicest of all, but the white guilt, the awareness of the success of my peer group relative to me (shit they all have fancy cars, some even have a cabin) i know i'm happy with the choices I've made, i can live with them in peace but doesn't reduce my awareness...
stupidly negative for today, so totally just hands in the air like we don't care at this point...
even the TSP gang overlooked it....
all i can be thankful for is that I'm not drinking more than a sixpack tonight, and there's two left. I'd crush them but tired, finding odd restraint. Not sure who I am anymore.
best of luck to you all... i'm going to do what I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other, content with being ignored, 40+ yrs of experience is helpful in that regard.... life...
it is what we have and is all we've got....
peace,
but i like it in welsh so much better:
heddwch,
G
feeling at least,
i'm pretty fucking exhausted after the last couple days...
today wasn't much better, or was significantly worse...
i'm aware of my blessings, but somehow cursed with the awareness of my shortcomings and failings... guess which carry more weight in my being?
could have been okay if first thing I heard today was "Happy Birthday" but no I heard "can you make me an omelette pocket?" yes of course... i can and will and... not trying to martyr but just being open and honest
maybe too honest, and maybe I shouldn't say that today would have been perfect if i'd heard the greetings sometime before i left for the retreat. Sometime before BG texted me in the late morning.
Yeah, everyone else had big things going on, first day of 7th grade and all... and that's awesome, I def don't want to take anything away from that.
but i'm fucking exhausted and still awake (been up since 5 am it is closer to 11 pm than I would like) .
my oldest did make a wonderful dinner, with significant consultation help from me though, but i respect the fact that one must ask those who know when you don't... it was very satisfying.
i shut down my FB wall, didn't want people posting there, granted it is usually one or two but they all know how to contact me off of FB so let them.
I got a wonderful email from TD today, helpful, and positive and good... def was what kept the scales from tipping wildly out of balance... that and the beer at lunch perhaps... and the sheer exhaustion preventing me from being able to even emotionally give much more than a tiny shit.
where to go?
forward, ever forward, never straight....
the next good number of days are going to be tough,
but hey, not like the last 9-20 months have been easy... should be a piece of cake.
yeah, sorry TD, I know, I know, i'm blessed, i've been gifted the choicest of all, but the white guilt, the awareness of the success of my peer group relative to me (shit they all have fancy cars, some even have a cabin) i know i'm happy with the choices I've made, i can live with them in peace but doesn't reduce my awareness...
stupidly negative for today, so totally just hands in the air like we don't care at this point...
even the TSP gang overlooked it....
all i can be thankful for is that I'm not drinking more than a sixpack tonight, and there's two left. I'd crush them but tired, finding odd restraint. Not sure who I am anymore.
best of luck to you all... i'm going to do what I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other, content with being ignored, 40+ yrs of experience is helpful in that regard.... life...
it is what we have and is all we've got....
peace,
but i like it in welsh so much better:
heddwch,
G
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Why still awake
I feel an odd ethereal detachment. Tired but not sleepy.
Strange.
Smackdown was equally confusing did not expect to make the first group. Despite the five pints of Foolproof farm house ale at the retreat, and then neglecting to bring a water bottle, some how I survived.
Perhaps I'll have time to work tomorrow.
Now thinking, well maybe I should sleep.
Tomorrow I break the streak. I break it not for love or money or sex but for work and to continue another streak.
Tomorrow I break the streak. I break it not for love or money or sex but for work and to continue another streak.
But damn, I have to wake up really early and get moving sooner than I like. I just hope it is done raining when it is time to ride. We need the rain, weeks without may be fine for me, not so much for the plants. But still riding to a new venue, not showing up like a drowned rat would be good.
Heddwch
G
G
Sunday, August 27, 2017
So... GeWilli bought a new bike
Finally.
So much busted shit. Last NEW bike was 2010 or so with the purchase of the big white blue frame for $390. And that was just a frame. It fit but it was heavy and i'm down a crankset and a wheel set and it doesn't single speed well.
Sure, yes I bought that Orange Surly 1x1 from Derek last year. Best $300 i've spent. But it is legit 40# right now and while it drives like a dream, don't try and lift it up. Also is currently ensconced in full fenders and the rear brake has to be taken off just to change the wheel/tires/freewheel. I love that bike, my commute is pretty damn perfect for a single speed. Disc brakes and fenders and Schwalbe Marathon Plus and I'm happy as can be.
As a SSCX (singlespeed cyclocross) race bike? It could be better.
Well there's this company who made a bike for Stan Nice to race the SSXCWC last year. They put that frame into production in 2018. Singlespeed w/o eccentric BB, singlespeed with sliding flatmount Disc brakes. So it is aluminum and is heavier than carbon but, meh, they haven't put the stranglehold dropouts on the carbon CX bike, yet.
I've been looking, urged on by E "you've worked so much more this year at the bike shop, you really should get a new bike." This is the truth, the first saturday I haven't built a single bike since???? was yesterday.
Okay so a Trek Crockett Disc it is. Boom. I was looking at the Crockett 7, but I don't like SRAM, won't ride it, but thinking Force could be easily sold off and i could make it mine. Started looking at Brake options and was thinking cable, and well Flatmount you've got Spyers and whatelse? Not sure, but Spyres are nice, work. and the BB7 aren't avail as flatmount yet (could use same pads on both bikes).... And it turns out I can run XT cranks (180 baby) on that bike..... BOOM. Done.
So I start looking at the Crockett Frameset, not so bad priced, add some Paradigm Elite wheels (DT240 internals 12mm thru axles) and I can make it work easy enough.
Turns out though, those two together cost more than the Crockett 5 Disc. The Crockett 5 Disc is the same frame as the 7 and the F/S. But comes with, guess what, Spyre disc brakes but really shitty TLR wheels. But hey, fuck that? So what. I'll get nice wheels next year. But Frameset and wheels were ready to ship now. Crockett 5 disc was available on Backorder. So I waited until I could check ship dates at the shop. September 11th earliest ship date. Hell that's soon enough.
So I ordered this: https://www.trekbikes.com/us/en_US/bikes/road-bikes/cyclocross-bikes/crockett/crockett-5-disc/p/2484000-2018/?colorCode=black_green not keen on the sprintmint but maybe some orange vinyl will help with that. I'll find a home for the Rival 1 group, toss on some hoods, the XT crank and BB and a SS cog conversion and we'll be rolling.
I agonized over this for a long time. Waiting for the 2018 with the strangelhold dropout to come out. Hell I almost bought a Stache instead, it has strangle hold and i could toss drop bars on it and have both a CX bike and a 29r+ MTB. but... well I didn't.
Will I race it? maybe. Maybe not. Will i ride it? HELL YEAH MAN. can't wait.
So yeah... GeWilli bought a new bike... thru axles and disc brakes... can't wait.
heddwch
G
So much busted shit. Last NEW bike was 2010 or so with the purchase of the big white blue frame for $390. And that was just a frame. It fit but it was heavy and i'm down a crankset and a wheel set and it doesn't single speed well.
Sure, yes I bought that Orange Surly 1x1 from Derek last year. Best $300 i've spent. But it is legit 40# right now and while it drives like a dream, don't try and lift it up. Also is currently ensconced in full fenders and the rear brake has to be taken off just to change the wheel/tires/freewheel. I love that bike, my commute is pretty damn perfect for a single speed. Disc brakes and fenders and Schwalbe Marathon Plus and I'm happy as can be.
As a SSCX (singlespeed cyclocross) race bike? It could be better.
Well there's this company who made a bike for Stan Nice to race the SSXCWC last year. They put that frame into production in 2018. Singlespeed w/o eccentric BB, singlespeed with sliding flatmount Disc brakes. So it is aluminum and is heavier than carbon but, meh, they haven't put the stranglehold dropouts on the carbon CX bike, yet.
I've been looking, urged on by E "you've worked so much more this year at the bike shop, you really should get a new bike." This is the truth, the first saturday I haven't built a single bike since???? was yesterday.
Okay so a Trek Crockett Disc it is. Boom. I was looking at the Crockett 7, but I don't like SRAM, won't ride it, but thinking Force could be easily sold off and i could make it mine. Started looking at Brake options and was thinking cable, and well Flatmount you've got Spyers and whatelse? Not sure, but Spyres are nice, work. and the BB7 aren't avail as flatmount yet (could use same pads on both bikes).... And it turns out I can run XT cranks (180 baby) on that bike..... BOOM. Done.
So I start looking at the Crockett Frameset, not so bad priced, add some Paradigm Elite wheels (DT240 internals 12mm thru axles) and I can make it work easy enough.
Turns out though, those two together cost more than the Crockett 5 Disc. The Crockett 5 Disc is the same frame as the 7 and the F/S. But comes with, guess what, Spyre disc brakes but really shitty TLR wheels. But hey, fuck that? So what. I'll get nice wheels next year. But Frameset and wheels were ready to ship now. Crockett 5 disc was available on Backorder. So I waited until I could check ship dates at the shop. September 11th earliest ship date. Hell that's soon enough.
So I ordered this: https://www.trekbikes.com/us/en_US/bikes/road-bikes/cyclocross-bikes/crockett/crockett-5-disc/p/2484000-2018/?colorCode=black_green not keen on the sprintmint but maybe some orange vinyl will help with that. I'll find a home for the Rival 1 group, toss on some hoods, the XT crank and BB and a SS cog conversion and we'll be rolling.
I agonized over this for a long time. Waiting for the 2018 with the strangelhold dropout to come out. Hell I almost bought a Stache instead, it has strangle hold and i could toss drop bars on it and have both a CX bike and a 29r+ MTB. but... well I didn't.
Will I race it? maybe. Maybe not. Will i ride it? HELL YEAH MAN. can't wait.
So yeah... GeWilli bought a new bike... thru axles and disc brakes... can't wait.
heddwch
G
Saturday, August 26, 2017
smackdown
i changed up a variable, Leland had to keep under a certain wattage...
it wasn't the worst, about the same as last week, a touch faster maybe, hurt way less. Progress? Consistency?
Coming around? Maybe. Too close to tell, but trying to make stuff happen. Working? We'll see.
It was funny, we were rolling out, three of us, Kurt, Syl and myself. Two kids on raleigh fixed gear bikes actually showed up. They were all fire and energy until we turned onto Woodward, Leland bumped the pace up to about 24 or so and they were gone by the turn on to prospect. we worked together pretty well over a bit. On Pine Syl or Kurt jumped a bit and Leland kept his watts low and I hung on his wheel, not easy for me but i was not alone, we caught the other two at Homestead, then went into Rocky Hill. We crested pretty close together, Kurt's knee was a bit wonky so he took it easy at the finish of Rocky and I waited and we cruised over to hillside and he kicked my ass. But we found the other two before Reed and rode back together.
Nice hard pace on Walker, I was last wheel, working, then Leland attacked the finish, I could tell he was just trying to do a high cadence sprint workout but fuck it,,, i sprinted too, 44x11 at a peak 109 RPM, I was comfortable at that cadence, felt good to spike the HR that high, took a while to recover. But coming around.
The ride home into the wind was mitigated by the fact that it shifted a bit.
But Smackdown was not so terrible.
Not sure next week will work timing wise but we'll see when the department retreat I'm giving a talk at finished. May be in time.
And no Birthday ride for me this year. Streaks are meant to be broken.
But another post soon, about something else, will take a bit to explain, but short preview: I ordered a new bike.
heddwch
G
it wasn't the worst, about the same as last week, a touch faster maybe, hurt way less. Progress? Consistency?
Coming around? Maybe. Too close to tell, but trying to make stuff happen. Working? We'll see.
It was funny, we were rolling out, three of us, Kurt, Syl and myself. Two kids on raleigh fixed gear bikes actually showed up. They were all fire and energy until we turned onto Woodward, Leland bumped the pace up to about 24 or so and they were gone by the turn on to prospect. we worked together pretty well over a bit. On Pine Syl or Kurt jumped a bit and Leland kept his watts low and I hung on his wheel, not easy for me but i was not alone, we caught the other two at Homestead, then went into Rocky Hill. We crested pretty close together, Kurt's knee was a bit wonky so he took it easy at the finish of Rocky and I waited and we cruised over to hillside and he kicked my ass. But we found the other two before Reed and rode back together.
Nice hard pace on Walker, I was last wheel, working, then Leland attacked the finish, I could tell he was just trying to do a high cadence sprint workout but fuck it,,, i sprinted too, 44x11 at a peak 109 RPM, I was comfortable at that cadence, felt good to spike the HR that high, took a while to recover. But coming around.
The ride home into the wind was mitigated by the fact that it shifted a bit.
But Smackdown was not so terrible.
Not sure next week will work timing wise but we'll see when the department retreat I'm giving a talk at finished. May be in time.
And no Birthday ride for me this year. Streaks are meant to be broken.
But another post soon, about something else, will take a bit to explain, but short preview: I ordered a new bike.
heddwch
G
Friday, August 18, 2017
Aero is faster than Cannibal
That's kind of an obvious statement.
How much faster? maybe a minute for me.
I felt much faster last night, more streamlined, definitely could feel the reduction in drag on that bike. Heavier it is indeed but it rolls well and I've done a few TTs on it.
I have 14 strava efforts on this course. The first effort was 18:57 from 2012, the day after we rode to Woods Hole and back. Using borrowed Garmin.
Then the next pile of progressions were in 2013. Did it once in 2015, Prov Velo decided to bandit last year, I made three of those. and then I made three this year. First two were on the slow bike, the old cross bike. I mean holy crap slow, but the effort was there and I pushed myself.
Last night, pre-race prep def not like 2013. No ritual Bagel Gourmet steak burrito, and I probably did a bit to hinder my time but maybe not. Times are kind of how I would expect them to be even without anything screwed up that day.
I'm there and well, there were a couple carrots. First up the bike. the helmet, the rest of the gear. There's an undeniable mental boost using that crap.
Second, I'm starting behind Ciril again, and he brought Pizza, that he made, for us to eat at the end. I CAN PEDAL FOR PIZZA... only better carrot would have been beer.
I felt pretty good, but also it hurt but I was totally comfortable in that tuck, tip of the Giro teardrop helmet firmly and always in contact with my spine, shifting to the nose of the saddle, trying to keep the cadence in the mid to high 90s range, grinding it out only now and again for a shift of pace.
hitting Reynolds I almost thought I caught a glimpse of a jersey up in the distance? What? NO WAY.
Hello motivation. I pushed it hard on reynolds, yet still watched my avg speed drop... but just before crossing back under the powerlines I applied some torque then with that speed boost jumped back up to a higher cadence and worked the next section, took a breather through the slight downhill into the left hander and attacked into Peck, absolutely drilled it up Peck (see HR)... actually that's kind of cool, looking at the HR chart for the TT I can tell you exactly why the HR went down each time it did, the stretch before Reynolds, I think I had eased off a tiny bit in prep or thinking about the turn.
So I nuke it up Peck, out of the saddle initially then back in the bars on the nose of the saddle driving up the hill. Crest it and crank the speed up and Coast... recover... settle... and yeah that's someone up there but they don't look like they are on an aero bike (Ciril is) too high up... Oh well, still someone to catch. But at that point once I was done with the moment of coasting and speed dropped a bit I left it in the 53x11 and just fucking pushed it as hard as I could. I think i yelled at my legs and just dug deeeeeeep.
Sure enough I could see the Golden Monkey Victory beer jersey Ciril was wearing. I used to love GM, now i get queasy when i take a sip.
I'm pouring everything into it and holy shit he's turning we're almost done? FUCKING TIME TO GO, I launch out of that last turn, perfect turn no brakes, no cars, perfect apex, pedal through it and then Attack, out of the saddle full sprint accelerating all the way to the line. I passed him before the cemetery started and cleared the line first.
Give me someone to sprint and something happens, i find extra stuff I didn't know I had.... took me a long time before I could talk again, much less stumble around well enough. to find some water.
We ate pizza, i found out i had broken the 20 min mark, won a couple things in the raffle, just getting ready to go and the PVD crew takes off. Garber leading the charge with his E-bike. I had hoped to ride back with a group.
I didn't have my backpack on and when I did? They were gone.
Long solo ride home. It was difficult. Legs were really tired. ever present was the kid who was killed the other day in riverside near my house. A close friend to one of the bikeworks guys.
I made it home safely, in the total pitch black darkness. and cracked a Mighty Squirrel Mocha Stout. I had a couple. And i think maybe there's more coffee in there than is good to have before bed. I didn't sleep well.
And tired coupled with sore legs made this morning's commute a bit tough. Fortunately I got here and the morning session was cancelled. So I had a chance to catch up, and now write.
I'm still feeling pretty slow, but there is some magic I feel on that course. I know those turns, the road, it is never boring racing it, same as it is, always was but still, for me, that familiarity feels like an advantage and I kind of like it. Even when I'm going slower. Maybe next year I can find that bit of speed again.
heddwch
G
How much faster? maybe a minute for me.
I felt much faster last night, more streamlined, definitely could feel the reduction in drag on that bike. Heavier it is indeed but it rolls well and I've done a few TTs on it.
Then the next pile of progressions were in 2013. Did it once in 2015, Prov Velo decided to bandit last year, I made three of those. and then I made three this year. First two were on the slow bike, the old cross bike. I mean holy crap slow, but the effort was there and I pushed myself.
Last night, pre-race prep def not like 2013. No ritual Bagel Gourmet steak burrito, and I probably did a bit to hinder my time but maybe not. Times are kind of how I would expect them to be even without anything screwed up that day.
I'm there and well, there were a couple carrots. First up the bike. the helmet, the rest of the gear. There's an undeniable mental boost using that crap.
Second, I'm starting behind Ciril again, and he brought Pizza, that he made, for us to eat at the end. I CAN PEDAL FOR PIZZA... only better carrot would have been beer.
I felt pretty good, but also it hurt but I was totally comfortable in that tuck, tip of the Giro teardrop helmet firmly and always in contact with my spine, shifting to the nose of the saddle, trying to keep the cadence in the mid to high 90s range, grinding it out only now and again for a shift of pace.
hitting Reynolds I almost thought I caught a glimpse of a jersey up in the distance? What? NO WAY.
Hello motivation. I pushed it hard on reynolds, yet still watched my avg speed drop... but just before crossing back under the powerlines I applied some torque then with that speed boost jumped back up to a higher cadence and worked the next section, took a breather through the slight downhill into the left hander and attacked into Peck, absolutely drilled it up Peck (see HR)... actually that's kind of cool, looking at the HR chart for the TT I can tell you exactly why the HR went down each time it did, the stretch before Reynolds, I think I had eased off a tiny bit in prep or thinking about the turn.
So I nuke it up Peck, out of the saddle initially then back in the bars on the nose of the saddle driving up the hill. Crest it and crank the speed up and Coast... recover... settle... and yeah that's someone up there but they don't look like they are on an aero bike (Ciril is) too high up... Oh well, still someone to catch. But at that point once I was done with the moment of coasting and speed dropped a bit I left it in the 53x11 and just fucking pushed it as hard as I could. I think i yelled at my legs and just dug deeeeeeep.
Sure enough I could see the Golden Monkey Victory beer jersey Ciril was wearing. I used to love GM, now i get queasy when i take a sip.
I'm pouring everything into it and holy shit he's turning we're almost done? FUCKING TIME TO GO, I launch out of that last turn, perfect turn no brakes, no cars, perfect apex, pedal through it and then Attack, out of the saddle full sprint accelerating all the way to the line. I passed him before the cemetery started and cleared the line first.
Give me someone to sprint and something happens, i find extra stuff I didn't know I had.... took me a long time before I could talk again, much less stumble around well enough. to find some water.
We ate pizza, i found out i had broken the 20 min mark, won a couple things in the raffle, just getting ready to go and the PVD crew takes off. Garber leading the charge with his E-bike. I had hoped to ride back with a group.
I didn't have my backpack on and when I did? They were gone.
Long solo ride home. It was difficult. Legs were really tired. ever present was the kid who was killed the other day in riverside near my house. A close friend to one of the bikeworks guys.
I made it home safely, in the total pitch black darkness. and cracked a Mighty Squirrel Mocha Stout. I had a couple. And i think maybe there's more coffee in there than is good to have before bed. I didn't sleep well.
And tired coupled with sore legs made this morning's commute a bit tough. Fortunately I got here and the morning session was cancelled. So I had a chance to catch up, and now write.
I'm still feeling pretty slow, but there is some magic I feel on that course. I know those turns, the road, it is never boring racing it, same as it is, always was but still, for me, that familiarity feels like an advantage and I kind of like it. Even when I'm going slower. Maybe next year I can find that bit of speed again.
heddwch
G
kind of brilliant song
except need to swap AS for DT....
I think about this song every time Ahhhnold turns up on Facebook ranting against the idiots in office trying to gerrymander or dismiss global warming, or in the most recent case say nazis aren't bad.
wouldn't take much to re-write it for 2017
I think about this song every time Ahhhnold turns up on Facebook ranting against the idiots in office trying to gerrymander or dismiss global warming, or in the most recent case say nazis aren't bad.
wouldn't take much to re-write it for 2017
Thursday, August 17, 2017
consistency
is not something that has happened here lately.
Haven't managed to sit down and write.
Kind of forcing it now but hey, it'll either work or not.
Last week I managed to get two rides in. Commuting counts but not the same. Tuesday last week was brutal, it hurt. Smackdown was a disaster. About the same as when Dave and Brent chilled and had a slow ride home with me. Last week it was Goldberg who kindly waited for me I was going so slowly up the hills. It was a disaster. And I had a bit of extra coffee just before the ride and it meant TOO MUCH COFFEE so my heart did a few weird things, IE 201, it felt weird. It kind of sucked. And every hill hurt like a motherfucker and my legs were screaming and it was rough. Sucked it up and headed to the TT after that on thursday and felt much better. Rode an OK time (21:00) left it all out there. And riding home was a disaster, couldn't go up hill. Caroline was happy to chill and Golberg waited and Ronan kept looping back. It was probably a frustrating ride home for them. Goldberg is confused though, if I am so much slower than he is riding on Smackdown and to and from the TT, how did I go faster in the TT? I dunno. Not a clue.
So, Tuesday rolled around again. Smackdown again.
I did the same thing, sat on the front, social chat until we got to Prospect. Sure, it delays the speed attack a bit, woodward isn't a highspeed drag race, but it is also the first stretch when we can double paceline w/o much traffic. Good time for forced socialization. Yeah me sitting on the front from the start to there is dumb. But we made the turn and I swung off and to the back and right on big Eian's wheel. Except, well, my HR was pegged just trying to stay in his draft. And I told Caroline that I'd fix her shifting if she showed up, even if only on a TT bike. She is totally new to the group riding thing and just sort of tagged along, but got gapped on Prospect so I delayed a tiny bit because last time she came out she got dropped and lost. Fuller sat up a bit as the big boys hit the gas hard on Jacob/Broad. and we pretty much rode together as a trio. Pushing it as hard as I could, which was much harder than the week before. But still no where close enough to hang with the fast guys like the old days.
The fast guys actually turned around and rode back and met us on Pine, but then they had a brutal attack on Read and I couldn't quite hang but then actually managed a wicked hard effort on Walker and we all joined back up again. Fuller got a bit gapped but managed to catch up before we turned onto King Phillip.
It was good. Headed back to the lab to get my shit and then rode home. A good long bit in the saddle. Haven't been sleeping as well as I would like lately. And while things are good, and pretty well balanced and managed, every once in a while something small perturbs the equilibrium and everything falls apart.
I am extremely grateful for what i have, for my friends, for my family and my health and current stability in most all things. But that goddamn spark plug is still giving me fits (no haven't touched it) and I still haven't had a day off since spending four hours of the day in the car in intense traffic.
But the weekends have been shorter work days, but a work day isn't a rest day and the list of shit I have to deal with is long, but not growing at an any more unmanageable rate.
We've pretty much finished up with all the intense work shit here. Got a couple projects that i need to work on but there's a ton of little things I need to make happen. BUT going to be chipping away a bit more slowly here. Pace myself a bit more.
Tonight is the final TT. dug out the paramount, spent an hour this morning getting it ride-able. Haven't touched it since last summer's TTs, took the seatpost out to put in the big surly Singlespeed CX/Commuter.
but it is ready to go... mostly.
we'll see if i'm up to pedaling it much and we'll see how different the times wind up being between this bike and the black 'super not aero' blue. Def feeling more tired than usual. Not a good sign but hey, i'm still headed over there tonight.
maybe i'll even write about it sometime afterwards.
heddwch
G
Haven't managed to sit down and write.
Kind of forcing it now but hey, it'll either work or not.
Last week I managed to get two rides in. Commuting counts but not the same. Tuesday last week was brutal, it hurt. Smackdown was a disaster. About the same as when Dave and Brent chilled and had a slow ride home with me. Last week it was Goldberg who kindly waited for me I was going so slowly up the hills. It was a disaster. And I had a bit of extra coffee just before the ride and it meant TOO MUCH COFFEE so my heart did a few weird things, IE 201, it felt weird. It kind of sucked. And every hill hurt like a motherfucker and my legs were screaming and it was rough. Sucked it up and headed to the TT after that on thursday and felt much better. Rode an OK time (21:00) left it all out there. And riding home was a disaster, couldn't go up hill. Caroline was happy to chill and Golberg waited and Ronan kept looping back. It was probably a frustrating ride home for them. Goldberg is confused though, if I am so much slower than he is riding on Smackdown and to and from the TT, how did I go faster in the TT? I dunno. Not a clue.
So, Tuesday rolled around again. Smackdown again.
I did the same thing, sat on the front, social chat until we got to Prospect. Sure, it delays the speed attack a bit, woodward isn't a highspeed drag race, but it is also the first stretch when we can double paceline w/o much traffic. Good time for forced socialization. Yeah me sitting on the front from the start to there is dumb. But we made the turn and I swung off and to the back and right on big Eian's wheel. Except, well, my HR was pegged just trying to stay in his draft. And I told Caroline that I'd fix her shifting if she showed up, even if only on a TT bike. She is totally new to the group riding thing and just sort of tagged along, but got gapped on Prospect so I delayed a tiny bit because last time she came out she got dropped and lost. Fuller sat up a bit as the big boys hit the gas hard on Jacob/Broad. and we pretty much rode together as a trio. Pushing it as hard as I could, which was much harder than the week before. But still no where close enough to hang with the fast guys like the old days.
The fast guys actually turned around and rode back and met us on Pine, but then they had a brutal attack on Read and I couldn't quite hang but then actually managed a wicked hard effort on Walker and we all joined back up again. Fuller got a bit gapped but managed to catch up before we turned onto King Phillip.
It was good. Headed back to the lab to get my shit and then rode home. A good long bit in the saddle. Haven't been sleeping as well as I would like lately. And while things are good, and pretty well balanced and managed, every once in a while something small perturbs the equilibrium and everything falls apart.
I am extremely grateful for what i have, for my friends, for my family and my health and current stability in most all things. But that goddamn spark plug is still giving me fits (no haven't touched it) and I still haven't had a day off since spending four hours of the day in the car in intense traffic.
But the weekends have been shorter work days, but a work day isn't a rest day and the list of shit I have to deal with is long, but not growing at an any more unmanageable rate.
We've pretty much finished up with all the intense work shit here. Got a couple projects that i need to work on but there's a ton of little things I need to make happen. BUT going to be chipping away a bit more slowly here. Pace myself a bit more.
Tonight is the final TT. dug out the paramount, spent an hour this morning getting it ride-able. Haven't touched it since last summer's TTs, took the seatpost out to put in the big surly Singlespeed CX/Commuter.
but it is ready to go... mostly.
we'll see if i'm up to pedaling it much and we'll see how different the times wind up being between this bike and the black 'super not aero' blue. Def feeling more tired than usual. Not a good sign but hey, i'm still headed over there tonight.
maybe i'll even write about it sometime afterwards.
heddwch
G
Saturday, August 05, 2017
Sorry for the lapse
It has been a tough week.
Not a bad week, but a very... challenging... week. Nothing like what my friends have to deal with, or some friends, or most friends,
but it hasn't been easy...
These dates, impact of dates and numbers are always there, 8/4... such symmetry...
We made pesto tonight, youngest had a new cookbook so I honored the excitement and we made the recipe from that book.
it was pretty fucking delicious.
i added a few more garlic cloves than called for though, because garlic is awesome. And why not.
Also...
anyway, words I set out to write aren't flowing forward, but maybe sleep and another day of work before another week of work will help produce content...
heddwch
G
Not a bad week, but a very... challenging... week. Nothing like what my friends have to deal with, or some friends, or most friends,
but it hasn't been easy...
These dates, impact of dates and numbers are always there, 8/4... such symmetry...
We made pesto tonight, youngest had a new cookbook so I honored the excitement and we made the recipe from that book.
it was pretty fucking delicious.
i added a few more garlic cloves than called for though, because garlic is awesome. And why not.
Also...
anyway, words I set out to write aren't flowing forward, but maybe sleep and another day of work before another week of work will help produce content...
heddwch
G
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