musing some more

Was thinking about what Steve said (as promised the link: https://www.instagram.com/p/BydYX65HylU/?igshid=1wsae2fsq9u17 )

And I was thinking about that idea of hoping those you leave behind would move on and be okay...

and thinking about the friends and friends of friends i've lost who've picked that way to go...

picked that way because their pain was too much to live with, or life was so desperately frustrating or sad that there was only one option for them...

yes, I think about this quite a lot...  obvious reasons why, many echoed in Steve's eloquent words...

when one picks that route, they end their own pain, but I think in some cosmic karmic way the pain is just transfered, multiplied, amplified into those that care about them, leaving those who were hopelessly helpless to change their choice, to carry that burden around for the rest of their lives...

no i'm not trying to diminish the power of depression...  or to use this as a way to guilt people into hanging around, no, we make our own lives right? When we're at that fork in the road, it is our choice to pick the path...

but the notion of the transfer of the pain, esp in the particular case of suicide, to be somewhat worth getting out of my head...

be well, be kind, being selfish is what all the self help people say, but being selfless is better for the humans, because we're not solitary creatures, we impact others, directly and indirectly...

and yes - no one is looking out for you - well other than me - so you still have to find the balance that I seem unable to...

yes... all the dots... a visible punctuation that helps imply the trailing off of spoken phrase, the quite mumbling of the last few words... sure i use it too much... but my tool box is a mess, i use what i can get my hands on in an attempt to get it done.

heddwch
G

One year ago today

This guy took his life.

I woke up to the news with my last hangover.

The thought process was complicated, but it really was the fact that I could see this as my path if I kept up with the drinking. Other reasons but it was a sign. It made it all clear. It was the fork in the road.

Steve posted some very eloquent words on his IG. I'll link later.

How did I make it to far? Up to last year that is. This past year was easy compared to any other year since.. well fuck, that's depressing.

Some how I did.

The stupid shit is burned into my memories. Can I go back? Nope.

Here I am. Physically more stable and less injured than I can remember. Unfortunately being old means it takes a bit longer to recovery from really intense efforts. But the not drinking has been amazing.

I don't miss it. It didn't really do anything to help, or to escape, it did do some stuff but even though I don't miss it, I know I can't go back. More importantly, I can't.

Bourdain was never the obsession or person of significance, I never watched his shows, I needed read his books, but I was aware of him, who he was, and understood what he was.

And his passing added to the resolve that morning. Hung over, drinking coffee, wondering how after 2 months off of booze I had roared back drinking even more than I was when I stopped then. And I stopped then because of how much. And. No. One. Knew. Ok maybe my brothers.

It is strange, makes me not only socially awkward but also socially estranged.

But that's ok, I'm ok being even more alone. I may not like it, but it is me. Alone.

But here, and doing my best for those around me.

Heddwch
G

it is mechanical

the failure of my phone that is - it is just pressure on the fingerprint thing. So I played around - and fucking taped a stupid high grade japanese stainless steel nut from the SEM on there and MAGIC phone works again...

for now...

Smackdown was last night - surprisingly not terrible on the 38t Crockett. A lot of time spent in the 11tooth rear cog but it wasn't terrible. Realized that the seat is low, too low. Fixed it this morning and felt high but only at the beginning of the ride in. Downside - i rode in pants. It is way too hot to be riding in pants. But I had to go to the remote place first and well - street clothes and well. It isn't going to be fun riding home.

The ride up from down the hill sucked too - maybe I should have ridden the crossrip+ with the assist. My legs are tired.

Slept but not great. headache, tired.

Working with someone and they sort of pried more out of me than intended. Didn't feel good to delve into that dark hole but I became a bit more complex in their eyes. Nothing terrible but oh well. Kind of unsettled the afternoon.

The fiasco with the new scope may be behind us, but man is it still as big of a headache as the one I still have.

I suppose I should write about smackdown separately. That way the title and opening line are clearly about bikes and not the boring stuff everyone skims over. Michigan is coming up way too soon and I STILL haven't planned anything out. Phone? coordinate? Me? fuck...  yeah I'll get there - i suppose I should call now but i'm getting interrupted and I can't put words together out of my mouth that make sense.

Not having to say the words is easier - i can think them, edit them, re-arrange them after they come out of my fingers. or just leave them and it makes no sense.

Like normally.

Funny moment last night - one of the many folks on the ride had one of them brand new super sleek Madones. The ones that are aero as fuck. Yeah? deep section wheels. And here I am on my new Trek, aluminum, cross bike with shitty heavy low profile TLR wheels and a 38t ring. And for the most part i was not slower. Now the fast kids on the not so fast bikes were still kicking my ass. And I should get into it a bit more on the separate entry for it but Justin C said it well: "The ride was a lot more fun when we were all not quite as fast." It is true. There was never really any SUPER fast people on the ride, and most everyone was about the same suck level and that makes it more fun.

Anyway - I'd better wrap this up and get back to dealing with everything...

we'll see if the phone fix survives the pedaling back to the remote location and then the bike shop and then home...

heddwch
G

Oh Monday

Here we are - monday.

Odd weekend. Lots of working at the shop, staying just ahead of the sold bikes. Tweeting doubts about training and prep for the 210 mile gravel race and getting unexpected support from Matt Roy one of the best most experienced long mileage riders. That was awesome. Absolutely turned my headspace around.

That day I went to Road Tubeless. My finger is still sprained from the effort. I really am not looking forward to the next flat with these tires but hey - I'll deal with it then. Took a lot of work and bead jack to get them mounted. But they snapped in place and seated w/less than 20 psi and no sealant.

I have to say I am very impressed with the Bontrager TLR system. Shit just fucking works.

But that alloy cassette body on the Aeolus Pro 3V wheels? ugh, after less than a month the cassette was jammed into the splines.

The 28s are not the most supple of 28s but they work and have held air really well. And are a lot faster than the 45s that were there. Hoping to bump the mileage and saddle time with this bike going into the end of June, might test the limits of a 38t ring on Smackdown. Can I survive? maybe. We'll see.

Quiet Desperation def rings true

I've been reading more of the old blog links from the bookmarks. The old open all in a folder. Lots of dead links. I suppose I should edit them down again, re-sort once more.

It is good though, may need to try and find a bit more new content. My phone being kind of useless is good, but not good. I def need it, and use it. I can still use it but that's not quite the same.

I should probably add this page to the reading list - also a good reminder about sleep:
https://www.tobedetermined.cc/journal/2019/4/the-daily-grind-the-importance-of-sleep

not too bad right now - slightly caught up, it seem sitting and watching TV is more restful than doing stuff. And I watched some TV this weekend. Def need to keep working on clawing back to the more rested side of things and not so coffee dependent.

Had a good but strained text exchange with someone that I haven't talked to in a while, made me think maybe a clean break from the past is good. Maybe burning the bridge and building a damn down stream and flooding the valley is the best way to keep it in the past.

Maybe.

Time to suck down some food before sorting out the new microscope, and man this finger is hurting typing. Stupid tubeless tires.

heddwch
G

another day

loaded up with stuff-

odd sleep, better but still some really messed up dreams, mentally flat. Frank Turner's song came on that def made me feel lost for a long while yesterday.

some how have to carve time out to make a disposal run for stuff I haven't gotten to yet but suddenly now no choice., but when?

going to make an attempt to ride the Crossrip and hope the brake doesn't stick before stopping at the bike shop on the way home to fix that issue. Still tossing the debate about tires around in my head for the other wheels. Thinking maybe not tubeless, maybe some 28s. nice and skinny. No tubeless because of all the damn shells and tire cuts and what my tires look like at the end of life - might as well get the full use out of them without coating the bike in sealant. Save tubeless for CX and the larger tires.

The rooster ronde tickets are here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/ronde-red-rooster-2019-tickets-62543078030

Gonna be a good ride. A lot going on that weekend. And it is the weekend right after the Coast to Coast.

In-laws are coming back, same time as last year - not the same stress level but not relaxing at all, lots to do...  I'm really starting to hate this time of year. The last four years or so has been the end of class let down, void thing, and then a whole bunch of out of control stuff and the transition to summer schedules and on and on.

Phone backlight issue is also nagging on me but helping a bit. Tough because it is functional but on the otherside kind of reminds me how not critical it is. It is a camera mostly but also a quick way to check status and respond to problems with the microscopes. Down side of not having a fruit phone is no centrally obvious place to take it with hardware problems.

Maybe i'll figure it out before the road trip. if not, whatever. flaky pocket computer isn't the end of the world.

Too much to do this morning but feeling like one of those days to make more coffee and just sit and hang out with the dogs.

Probably shouldn't listen to more than the first few bars of that song this morning or it won't be good. Hard to find music that is positive and fun. But there is some, that Girltalk All Day mix. first heard it back years ago riding to Eco-cross with Singmaster, I burned it on to a CD and used it in rotation with the mixes JPow used to share...

maybe need to hit play on that while i'm packing lunch to jumpstart the get a move on it today... 

still looking for that muse, bike mojo is kind of re-appearing though so that's kind of good...  and sure i can find plenty of good shit going on...  but there's enough gnawing at the edges, the gaping void is off the to the sides - look where you want to go style of bike riding applies, but sometimes there isn't a clean line and it is hard to focus and be active instead of just reactive...

lets see if the the All Day track works this morning..

heddwch
G

May's Hundo is in the books

It was a good hard one. Set out to do a full double RRRR loop. Got on the bike at 7:30am. Finished quite a while later.

Warm, windy, sunny, and single track.

Not a ton of single track but there was more than enough to add onto a Hundo. The RRRR loop is 55 miles or so, riding there and home is a 65 mile day so I needed to add another pile on there to make it work. A double seemed great.

We left Johnny's place (the official start - there's an eventbright link for tickets somewhere - on facebook probably - i'll post it sometime maybe here or you can go find it buy a ticket and support 1PVD even if you're not going) at 8. Waited for Syl (he's usually always late) and really started rolling at 8:15 or so. Donny and Elijah joined us. 2 Prov Velo 2 1PVD. Good group.

The single track isn't hard, you can screw it up and walk sections, dab, it isn't super easy, some good technical features, you've gotta get off and run some stairs/sand/logs in some places, most should be able to ride it all there are plenty of good deep power sections but they are all connected by gorgeous roads and paths and waterviews and the like. Two laps would be ambitious.

It is pretty much the same route we did on May 16th, smoothed out a few wrinkles.

Saw the Riverside Memorial day parade, the Barrington one and the Bristol/Warren one. Yeah, this ride is a 4 town ride. 5 if you count Riverside and East Providence as two even though they are incorporated as one.

I had dosed up with Blue Lizard, it worked pretty damn well. A tiny bit of sun in a few places that it got rubbed off (hem line on jersey and shorts) but two days later there is no residual sunburn, and that is pretty unique for a fair skinned person that burns super easy.  I drank a bit more water than usual, but that i suppose is to be expected with that much sun and temps in the mid 80s.

Single track is slow. Esp the stuff around here, super twisty and tight, not fast and flowy and that means slow.

We did see Steve S down at RISD beach (the actual beach not the grass on Benefit). Stopped at Syl's co-worker's house for water.

And yeah it was Memorial day, the second busiest day on the Bike Path. And yes, it was really crowded, but it wasn't bad. We were the fastest out there that we saw, but slowed down and passed respectfully and were patient when needed to be.

Tried to stop for donuts at Proud Mary's but they had just closed. Made it back to Johnny's place just before 1pm. They dropped me hard going into the wind on the final section there on the bike path. I could have dug down and bridged the gap at first but matches, i needed to save what I had for the next loop.

Had a stashed red-bull there at the start, and headed out. Skipped the first section as I started the loop again but tried to make it work the rest of it. Took a wrong turn in the Y woods (not following GPS) and wound up cutting it in 1/2. The beach had been really crowded at that point. No riding all the way to the water's edge. It was not wall to wall people in chairs with umbrellas  bit it was close.

Got to warren and I didn't take the alternate, I stayed on the path, I probably should have, but was tired - stuck with the path. I did head out to haff's rock there. Ate my second sandwich. Oh I did stop at the house, made another coffee, ate part of an toasted day-old donut and filled up the waterbottles.

Ate the second sandwich at the sample place at huff's rock look out at Fall River.

I skipped heading to the base of Mount Hope bridge, and then skipped colt state park. That meant I was mile or so short. I went back to the short section of single track behind the golf course. Let me tell you 98 miles later my reaction time wasn't quite the same as before. I flubbed one turn in there and almost hugged a tree a couple times. Good thing the Coast to Coast is double track and dirt roads and not windy crazy single track for 210 miles.

Eventually got home with 100.18 miles  on the garmin and was exhausted. 7 hours and 44 minutes of pedaling. Could I have kept going? Probably, more food, more water. Both bottles were empty at home. 6 total I think, plus a red bull (sugar-free). Started the day a bit less hydrated than optimal but not too bad. Had a bowl of muesli for breakfast, made two sandwiches to eat during the day (each with toasted bread 2 fried eggs, cheese, ham). Add the bit of doughnut and that's it calorie wise. Tried to hydrate a bit but have been behind the curve since. Woke up today and the eye did it's scar thing. The eye issue, having that daily and never healing was a huge part of the not drinking, waking up everyday with knives in your eyes not being able to focus for a while and sometimes not all day was bad, no drinking gave them a chance to heal and now back to just minor issue (already feeling better an hour after waking up) on very rare days. Dinner was on the slightly salty (but delicious) side and I didn't drink enough water last night. Also slept like absolute shit. Could have been slightly dehydrated contributing to it, but on the plus side I didn't have to get up and pee in the middle of the night.

Riding 100 miles on 45c tires at 30 PSI probably isn't the most efficient. I do have one hot foot issue with the right shoe still. Gotta work that out in the next few weeks.

The work calendar has exploded into fullness already, good thing I was able to take Monday to get the Hundo in because the end of the month is here and we're moving on to the next month soon.

But that's done. The Hundo a month leading up to the June Coast to Coast race challenge is complete. 5 hundos. Each different. Didn't get to do the RdR. No smackdown last night (rainy weather and I was tired) but pretty decent.

I've been riding the Crockett pretty much exclusively now. Tried to ride the e-bike on Sunday for shopping, front brake locked up. Need to bleed it with the warm weather and those new pads I guess. Not sure wearing the crockett tires down is the best idea, but it certainly will help make sure the contact points are good leading into double gravel century on this bike.

I should probably stick some slicks on the other wheels for commuting and save the carbon and knobbies for dirt smackdowns and the Coast to Coast.  Don't have any tires good enough to stick on there. Def nothing tubeless but man tubeless road? I guess, why not.

okay - more coffee, packing lunch and heading in on the crockett... got shit to do

heddwch
G

wings eh?

So, yeah I'm a coffee guy. I drink way toooooooo much as it is.

But it is just coffee. No sugar, no soda, no nothing. 

I have a bad reaction to sugar alcohols (xylitol, sortbitol, stevia that shit) can't stand it esp in sports drinks.

point? well the women driving the little red bull mini dropped of a couple cases of the sugar free Red Bull.

I stopped in to build a few bikes on Wed, was dragging. I haven't had a red bull since I had a blue one, turns out a blue one plus alcohol is like giving me a roofie, I kind of black out and have strange out of body weirdness. Before the blue stuff I'd had a handful of the regular sugared ones before CX races now and then. Never seemed to do much. But I always thought they tasted ok, a bit fake but no objectionable but distinctive enough to imprint. Lots of money making that chemical cocktail.

So a couple cases of sugar free - i grab a can and look at the ingredients...  sweetened with aspartame. It breaks down into a couple amino acids and some methanol. Methanol is bad but also easily managed by the body in those quantities (it is in normal foods at similar levels at times). Hmm...

Well I crack one open. Not expecting much. But I was tired, hungry, had a pile of coffee and wound up with the most productive after work build session and I felt mentally good. Like that shit actually gave me wings. And I liked it.

I grabbed a couple. Had a few at the end of the day yesterday, same thing. DAMN, I LIKE THIS. Then the back of my mind, that over thinking self aware, hyper critical analysis kicked in. Oh. Shit. I recognise this pathway. Fuck.

Stopped at the shop again on the way home. Had a couple, not the same level as the first day but i can feel the habit side of my brain kicking into overdrive. I can see the "I NEED SOME" feedback loop developing. And then of course there is the extra caffeine. Sleep has been a bit disrupted.

But it feels good man!

Chemicals, fucking chemicals.

At least it isn't an endless supply at the shop, i'm too cheap to go out and buy it, but the bottom line is coffee doesn't do much beyond keep the headaches away.

Maybe that's the summer project. Taper back, work on not relying so much on so much coffee to be functional. At the same time it requires sleeping to catch up. A catch-22 that takes quite a bit more time and flexibility than I have.

And hey Tim Johnson and Ellen Noble are RedBull athletes...  support them, or something right? Can't be all bad. Can it? Yes yes it can. No wonder my brother digs all those sugar free monstery like energy drinks. They work when your system is tapped out by everything else.

I'm still not going for the blue ones... or buying them... 

Have been on the Crockett exclusively though, other than smackdown. Unfortunately I think I may need new tires before the C2C in michigan...  getting some sidewall checking on the Riddler up front and the accompanying sealant leakage through it.

Should it be fine? Maybe but I don't want to be scrambling at the last minute looking for decent fat tires that will deal with the sand out there. Just one more thing to add to the list.

Finished Tiamat's Wrath. Good fucking book. Such good storytelling. At least to me. I enjoy reading it. The endings always feel rushed, so much development building up to the rapid fire happenings. And still no good clean ending to the series of course.

Jumping into the second book "A bad deal for the whole galaxy" in the Salvagers series. Good story and fun reading. Not super cerebral but entertaining and a cool universe with good visuals.

Reading Tiamat's after having watched the Expanse series I still didn't quite put everyone's face from the cast in the book but pretty close. Bobbie for certain but then maybe I have a bit of a fan crush on Frankie Adams. And while a spoiler (skip to the end of the paragraph if you want) goddamn Amos being immortal now is cool, he practically was before. The set up could have been better but it was still kind of relaxing reading about his skull getting blown half off and the rest of the injuries knowing he'd survive.

Okay this weekend is going to be crazy, going to try and get in the hundo on Monday. Big reservation with the plan is the high use on some of the planned routes, but well that's probably not going to be too bad but will be different than a mid-week recon.

Time to get working on wrapping the house up. Then read till enough of the redbull and coffee wears off so I can pass out.

heddwch
G

smackdown - quick cliff note version

9 Riders at the start...

i was up really early today, insane amount of frustration and stress dealing with microscope issues, texts every day from the shop saying there's more shit that needs to be built no rest, no RdR..

I ate well - got that down at least, hydrated well, shaved my legs but check the Heart Rate data on the ride over on strava tonight.

It tells the story. I lead off with Dreamy Dave coming down Waterfront drive and then I never saw the wind again. I got popped just trying to stay on wheels. Last week I could stay on the wheels. This week. No. Fucking. Way.

Mechanically I felt good riding back. But pushing it wasn't possible. Too much coffee masking massing fatigue load and working every day w/o rest is not the way to get back out of that hole.

Add to it all the stress of now getting the van ready for a road trip (that I'm not going to be on). Insanely complicated Thursday coming up.

I was able to identify the emotion today - sad. But maybe that's just me being tired.

How bad did I get dropped?

Well they waited at Hillside for me. Then Syl turned around and rode back looking for me. He didn't see me.
Just looked at the fly-by - he turned around JUST before I got there.

Funny. But sad they waited for nothing. Oh well.

Looking at the segment time - def on par with one of my slowest rides.

Best be riding home now though.

it is late. I'm tired...  and the wind probably has shifted from being a tailwind pushing me home into a headwind at this point.

heddwch
G

Bicycle pedaling and stuff

So I actually made it out to smackdown on Tuesday, Cold, windy, not wet though. Sat on wheels, got dropped a little, rode hard, got some really good efforts. Felt it. Times were not bad, not great but then I realized I am probably 10-15# heavier than I was when I was setting those old times. I am currently about 20# over my 2013 weight (fastest point)...

There's not really the flow of words to describe the smackdown like in the past, Burke, Jason, Leland and big Paul Davis were there. Small group. upper 40s for temps.

I pedaled. It hurt pretty good, dug deep, got the legs moving. That was enough.

Thursday did the RI Red Rooster Ronde Recon Ride...  photos over on IG, route on Strava. Date for the ride is June 29th. Start and end at Johnny's place, 11 Baker Street EP 02914.

Longer than last year, still good single track, more bike path and roads and more scenic shit and stuff. Fun as hell loop.

But a long day in the saddle. It was the first bike ride other than to work on the new carbon wheels on the Crockett. I got the Aoleus pro 3V wheels with the EP purchase. Not free, still a painful and agonizing price to spend on anything but they are really really nice.

That big fat front 45c tire is sooooooo much more stable and easier to control now.

Ronde Rosey is tomorrow. I can't go. I'm trying not to be bummed about it but i'm honestly pretty gutted not to be able to be there for the 10th, and rumor has it final.

I also need to get a hundo in.

It is a beautiful day today, probably could have convinced someone to go long with me today, but no, I have to head to work, then pick up kid after practice then go back to work, maybe do some shopping after work then make dinner and do it all again tomorrow.

And then go back in and deal with really frustrating shit at other work, i mean it is a challenge but in some ways this is not as much fun and challenges that aren't fun or are a bit unnecessary are frustrating.

Also I'm just in a funk. Too fucking much to do, not sure when to get it done. Like the whole Hundo. Maybe I should just go back and do the RRRR route 2x. Start early and just do it w/o thinking too much. Follow the GPX track, The only place I get confused in is the Barrington Y trails. Trying to follow the line on the garmin might be a good thing. And hey if I do it 2x in one day I'll be fine with jumping around at each one and skipping some of the stuff here and there. Or just riding tailgun helping people skip sections to catch up.

Or not. Maybe I should just ride for me and give everyone else the .!.. ..!. but yeah, probably won't do that.

Oh well - i'm here way later than planned, but yeah - i'm tired, mentally and physically, with no rest in sight. Kind of funny, yesterday was bike to work day, last year I had a really shitty day and cracked into the bottle of Titos in my fridge at work and broke a couple month dry spell and started a really bad binge that ended a month later with total sobriety. Today was pretty close to equally shitty, but not quite and I managed to avoid the free beer on the way home and just deal with it all.

Shrug, such is life. poking on through to less than a month away from 1 year sober. Scary thought is that it is likely 11th grade when I last had a whole year without alcohol. That's kind of insane. But that's plenty enough for me. Yeah I still think about it but each day gets more comfortable with the knowing it is over.

I'm def feeling better than I have in a long time physically, other than being a bit pissed about being heavier than I want to be. But back when I last did the Battenkill thing and I was 215 (i was eating a shit ton of rice and 'recovery' carbs after rides) i had a ton of leg fat, not just fat on my ass and gut, and that fat hasn't come back. and sometimes I can imaging that the roll I pinch is getting smaller, but fuck it i dunno, I'll go hungry when I can, eat when I need to. Play the whole food game try and focus on quality calories and just keep eating lots of salad.

I should wrap this up - before I get into the weeds any more. Need to get out the door. Yeah I'm gonna drive, if the car starts. Don't really have a choice.

heddwch,
G

Damn that intro

to where the streets have no names...


Ridiculous...

Sometimes writing helps, sometimes it makes it worse, sometimes it does both usually in the opposite order...

not a great morning, not terrible afternoon but not what was planned.

i was working pretty insanely until the opening bars of this song came on the pandora station i had playing in the background...

i had to sit down and stop...

that whole album...

good stuff...

not a good time in my life though - but i guess the argument could be made that it is just normal for me...

Stopped to snap a photo this morning

posted it over on IG and twitter with the caption:
"Tailwind #bikecommute overseen by an undulating tapestry of clouds."

Pretty sure it would be impossible to convey how well it suited my mood this morning. So I didn't try.

It just does...

still does...

Of course autoplay from the link above cued up:

And shit the lyrics are kind of my anthem eh?

best get back to it - music, ah music...

heddwch
G

oh books and reading

I guess that's been as much a part of me as riding bikes. Something consistent, always there. Back and forth sometimes not reading so much, sometimes digging into different genres. lately of course I've pretty much read all the science fiction i can get my hands on. Apocalyptic stuff seems to resonate well with the state of the world.

I was waiting for Emma Newman's 4th book in the Pathfinder series to come out. It showed up in the library, I missed the first checkout but grabbed it pretty quickly. Devoured it in a day. Read late, read while eating meals...  it is a short book at least. Not like a GRRM tome or a JSAC brick.  So much absolutely on point, wonderful and terrifying future description of the human race and how toxic the current crop of americans are...  read the book and you'll get it. Best though to read all 4 books.

Now Yash had posted something about another author. Haruki Murakami. I've come across this guy a few times, but never picked up one of his books. But Yash posted Norwegian Wood and it was available in the library, and i was waiting for other stuff while listening to Saturn Run building bikes.

And wow.

What a gut wrenching but almost familiar kind of story. Oddball awkward loaner coming of age, reflecting on heartache and pain and life and death.

I'm still processing it but between what Syl has been going through and a pile of other stuff I'm kind of floating in a weird fugue state.

one quote I highlighted and saved as I was reading it:

"That;s why you need to grab whatever chance you have for the happiness where you find it, and not worry too much about other people. My experience tells me that we got no more than two or three such chances in a lifetime, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives."

got a very dark feeling that i've had my two or three chances... and that's the way it is... but i suppose if it isn't letting something go as having it done w/o control it isn't the same... 

Life is pretty fucked up. Strange. And shit.

Okay now I'm fucking up my day sitting here wasting time writing instead of riding in to work.

But the day's pretty well hosed, or in other words it is going to be flat out non-stop once I get there. In an intensity that is hard to describe. But that's okay, it is what it is and I'll get through and work to help everyone around me be their best.

Might even leave the e-bike at home again today. Maybe I'll get lucky and be able to leave early enough to get either the new BB in or bars taped or the new fancy carbon wheels on the Crockett... yeah I'll probably ride that today. Tires continue to be a bit of a perplexing area...  maybe with the 25mm wide rims the 38s will be good enough eh? Should probably order some of them. Maybe put some 28s on the old heavy stock wheels and turn the crocket into road level stuff. It has a 38t chainring. Will make for a shitty spinning ride on the road for smackdown level pacing but should be fine for long days in the saddle.

Books and bikes...  quiet introspection, no confidence, begrudging solitude...  but somehow it works... i guess.

speaking of work...  i'm so f'n late...

heddwch
G

oh smackdown

There's some contention about smackdown and there's some differing of opinion about what the ride means and how it should be done.

Causes some issue.

I want to get into it - but some how the charge from having a not terrible night last night, even if it was just riding with Syl and Burke after leland and the cat 1 kids took off i felt not terrible and got my HR over 160 so that was good.

Was able to dig and hurt myself.

Was good.

But somehow

I mentally tanked today. No energy. Not sure why, or what the trigger was. But it sucks.

the new different route is good for well matched people, not good for having a group that deals with both fast and almost fast guys.

phone is having issues - i guess that's part of it - screen stays black and I don't know why... backlight is staying off and not turning on...  i don't have time for this bullshit

but it is what it is right. managable

everything else is weighing heavily, talks with syl brought up a bunch of emotional PTSD

interviews are happening - interesting being on this side of things for a change, also a bit stressful... and time consuming... I don't have time for this! Well I do but it means everything else gets pushed back and suddenly I'm scheduling 2 weeks out. And that's also stressful.

deep breath and move on - carry on eh?

one foot, another, another...

well time to act normal, something I guess I have practice with..

heddwch
G

intense

Yup, burning it at all the ends.

Saw one of the Jason's at the shop, his comment struck home. Yeah, it is a lot working full time and then all weekend. Yeah. It. Is.

I broke down and finally ordered go faster wheels for the crocket. big fat 25mm ID carbon wheels. Dumped way more cash than I am comfortable with but that's why I'm working on the weekend every weekend. Right? Sort of. Not really, makes it mean I need to do even more. Jumping up to a 38T ring from the 34 and tossing on a new BB, the old one is CRUUUUUNCHY - lemme tell you, these other BB's aint any better/more durable than BB30 bearings.

Should probably look for different tires for Sunday since it'll be swimming, not sure if I want to load up the fancy wheels for that or not. If I have time it might be awesome, but then again, I don't see many windows of opportunity between now and then.

And I'm still looking at trying to ride up to the start. Esp if this is the last one, RdR that is.

Yes - riding 55 miles to do a really hard 62 mile mixed terrain ride on a CX bike may not be super wise but i'm not. And it would be good training for the Coast to Coast.

not tonight

nope nope nope

tired - caught up a tiny bit on Sunday but not much and yesterday, oof, yesterday.

but that time to exhaustion or whatever the metric is that is a fatigue indicator? Yeah i'm hosed. AND

weather tomorrow is looking like the best window to get out on the bike all day, or at least to try and crank out a quick hundo.

No inspiration to hit a destination, no comrades who want to join, solo hundo eh? sure why not.

that didn't go well

Smackdown was a bust...  I couldn't hold the wheel on Woodlawn, not warmed up, legs feeling sluggish, and Leland's route is pretty much gotta be fully warmed up before you start kind of level. Woodlawn and then left on Prospect means you're climbing basically until Pine. Where as turning right on Prospect is pretty flat and possible to get into a rhythm and warm up after the initial blows on Woodlawn.

No matter the route my legs were pretty toast, my heart rate was low.. hmm it is as if a couple weeks of mounting fatigue are building up in me. Yeah, I need a day off, I need to sleep in when I intend to not because I'm so far gone that I can't get out of bed before passing out again.

Minor things though right?

So even the whole getting dropped early thing, well, I got a flat tire.

Heading up Read, suddenly riding on the rim. Mother fucker.

Oh well. Turns out the rim strip slipped a little during the KABOOM, same section of rim/tire and well look at that cute little edge of a hole lining up with the part of the tube not holding air anymore.

I re-set the rim strip (it lasted till i got home), and almost just turned around and packed it in.

But I didn't. I kept going. Slowly but still pedaling. Hit Rocky Hill the normal way. I didn't think I'd see them but maybe, I didn't. Did the Rocky Hill into Hillside up Pine and coming down I see Syl and Burke headed back my way. They had turned around before Read to see where I was and the three of us rode back the rest of the way together.

It was windy, started off just over 60 but was just over 50 when I got home. And really windy. Fortunately for me on the ride home, it was decent tailwind.

A bit of a bust of a smackdown. but maybe I'll make it out for the dirty smackdown on Thursday and have a bit more fun...

and maybe tonight I'll actually get to bed early...

heddwch
G

kaboom

Pull bike out this morning...

check tires, yeah maybe not, add a touch of air...

chuck seal is leaking (I have a new one, haven't replaced it yet)

add air

maybe more pressure than I have since installing the emergency back up tire
(Durano 28s had a hemorage in the casing - 10-15k miles kind of messes with stuff)

Riding in, lump, lump, lump, lump....

well fuck...

hopefully it doesn't get worse...

sitting in office, at my desk, catching up on emails...

BOOM

Bonus? Tube was full of stans

side of fridge is/was now. Fortunately it blew towards the fridge not out into the office

there's still a good mist of white latex all over the office

new tube

pressure a bit lower but not bad,

frame pump FTW

ready for smackdown?

i dunno - feel like getting some snacks

not feeling hungry

trying to load up on water/coffee/hydrated

but still tired

was going to leave early

get a warm up in before smackdown

nope

now gonna be touch and go if i'm there early or not...

heddwch
G

Unicorn day...

On the bike. Not just the 123rd running of the Boston Marathon.

E had a pretty rough time with it today, ran it sick (she was) and under trained (blind runner she was guiding was) but they stuck it out and finished. Maybe not the last but they survived a tough day, had some slow check points, but didn't quit, didn't give up.

Not very good at this lately

The writing thing, somethings I'm okay at still. Not riding bikes more than back and forth to work hasn't been one of them. Staying sane and balanced hasn't been working well lately either.

I've tried reading a bit. Jack McDevitt's Deepsix was a nice fluff diversion but I'm not sure how into that universe I am, kind of formulaic. Entertaining I suppose, well written. Took a while to get through it.

Starship Troopers has always been tossed around as the original space war novel mixed with political and social commentary. This is only available from the library as an audio book. But I had just enough time building bikes and assorted other moments over the last week that I got through it. And well then I had to watch the 1997 movie. I'd never seen the film. Heard just how bad it was. Oh man it was bad. Really bad. But having just finished the book, I could see the depth there that was hiding and the compromises were needed for the film.

Books bikes and life

Freaking being sucked along, bobbing like a barrel...  can't tell if it is just normal rapids like a river, or Niagra Falls, or the middle of a hurricane.

Pretty much totally out of control, but somehow still afloat and making due.

The trip to seattle with my dad was interesting. Too hard to put into words really what I experienced but maybe at some point? Or better in person but the reality is I need to get down my interpretation of events and figure this out, writing seems to be the best way to do it but, i've told the story enough since returning that I have it pretty well sorted out.

Time has sloooooowed down

(written and leaving unedited and unfinished as it was when i was interrupted when writing it in Seattle)

Well, no, time is going the same speed but my father seems to be stuck in a 10-25% real time speed loop.

It is a bit of a struggle, he can still manage to get some stuff done, but everything he can do he has to do really really really slowly.

Good to be here, yes, good to hang out with him, I think so. Sitting and not doing much is fine. I've cleaned the kitchen here, taken out the compost, sorted the recycling, not much else to do. The washer/dryer are too intimidating to tackle, although perhaps not really. Things have a place and I don't know where the stuff in the drier goes or what settings on the dryer the stuff in the wash uses.

We've got some sun that's out now, pretty decent outside, but we're inside, with windows.

He's been working on lunch for 90+ minutes, that's just the eating of it. The making took another 45.

Things are slow. He's there mentally most of the time. He is still super stubborn, and determined and seems to have an exaggerated estimation of what he can manage but could be the other way around and worse. My brother and his wife are saints and it is not easy for them,

Taking a break

Sort of.

Flying out to visit my dad, taking a break from the normal crazy and replacing it with the abnormal. Not sure what is going to happen, or how it is all going to work, but I think it is all mostly planned out, details have to be hashed and sorted, but the gross framework is in place.

I think it will work.

A weird realization

Since submitting the claim for the interest free loan i gave the government, I've kind of felt a freedom from anxiety. Strange. And reflecting on it the last couple days it has been a bit more than that - that even the worst (usually tax time is always that) triggers haven't been so bad. Like hmmm what is going on? Oh. holy shit maybe that's it? Brain chemistry takes a long time to sort itself out when perturbed. Could it be that all along the rise and build of the anxiousness was burned in and slowly engrained and amplified over time with ethanol? I suppose i should do a deep dive into the neuroscience literature but that sounds exhausting.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty burned out, I'm tired, exhausted, I think I scheduled something for tomorrow morning but may not have had anyone actually scheduled during the time, as in I'll be sitting at the microscope myself because it got so crazy that I confused myself and the placeholder I made didn't work for someone I made it for and I made a second time but didn't delete the first but my inbox is so fucking insane that I can't track it by searching because i don't fucking know WHO was asking and key words are the same as thousands of other emails about training. 

I'll be there. If only to hang out in the microscope room alone for a while.

What is happening

to my sanity...  chipped away slowly.

and my time to write here - or read books...

poof...

had sat down to write but yeah that didn't work. Didn't even have time to eat lunch at a relaxed pace.

now it is 5pm and i'd hoped to leave early today... 

big new stuff happening here - hopefully i can relax when not here - i am booked solid every day until I leave. Actually pretty close to unprecedented.

oh well...

heddwch
G

Snowblower running at 5am?

WHO DOES THIS? FIVE AM

SERIOUSLY? also sure thanks for hitting the plow berm in front of my house but I could have moved it (all powder) and I wouldn't have had to hear the engine running outside my window!

But then I fell back asleep. 2 hour delay meant I needed to get kid to school. Car magically started. And we didn't have to figure out how to get her there on a bike, in the snow with an unplowed bike path.

I had made a comment to David L that I regret. He's one of the famous heros of the path, one of the guys who ran a walk behind snow plow on a section of the path that doesn't have a safe alternative route. We were riding home or to work this week and I mentioned that maybe it is time to try the towing the tire behind the bike again, esp now with the E-Bike. Well the 2 hr delay gave me a chance to sleep in and cancel the morning sessions at work and well, lets see what happens. Grabbed a tire with a rim on it - way too heavy. Maybe I should have used that because the one w/o was a bit light. However the one without means if I had to I could carry it by hand for some sections. I had intended to drag the whole route but I also had intended to bring the charger home and start with a full charge.

The ride home on the bike was tuesday? Wound up with Tim and dialed back the power and had most of a full charge left at home. But I was still down to a 2 mile range when I ditched the tire this morning, not sure even a full charge at home would be enough to drag the tire there. Kind of an idea of how much work it was.

Through the powder it was hard but not terrible. Once I hit the wet sun melted snow and it started packing up and melting and sticking, i was in turbo mode, in the easiest gear (it has a big 40t rear cassette) and could barely make headway. Fortunately my big butt was heavy enough to keep the rear tire gripping the pavement. No slipping. So that was at least not frustrating.

I did a double pass early on, maybe good, maybe not. Def used up more battery, probably should have stuck to a single pass.

Will it make a difference? I dunno. We'll see. If it clears enough snow and lets it melt in the sun even though it is still cold out? Yes I think it will. it was fun at least... at least until it got frustrating. Maybe a better constructed drag plow would be more effective. Maybe I should do that.

So big anxiety issues lately have been taken care of, mostly. First I booked the ticket to Seattle. Going to head out to spend time with my Dad, but also to hang out with and support my brother a bit. See friends, maybe get a bike ride in out there. Not bringing a bike, maybe can get away with shoes and pedals, or just shoes. Still have to figure out timing when I'm out there but I bought the fucking ticket.

Then last night I sat down and did the taxes. Used some on line stuff that we've been using for years now, kind of bugs me paying for it but also feel better doing it that way. For as long as I can remember we've had to send a painfully large check to pay back the interest free loan to the Feds. After doing this last year I went in and used the calculator on the gov site and made a withholding adjustement, i guess i over did it, not going to have to mail them anything this year. Now I just have the anxiety of worrying that I screwed up something doing the forms. The kid in college is a good break, kind of surprising, but appreciated, esp given this administration. Oh well. I'll just take a deep breath and deal with it if there is an issue, no one is perfect and if i screwed up I'll own up to it and try and make it right.

Hopefully the tire is still there waiting for me and maybe the ride home won't be too bad. Temps are still at or below freezing but it is a sunny day and we'll get some good melt. Maybe a nice dragged tire clear patch on the way home!?

Gonna have to work on getting caught up with sleep before heading to seattle - both ends of the trip are going to be little sleep and looooong days. But still looking forward to it - a real vacation in a way.

what is a vacation anyway...  will def be odd to fly across the country w/o my violin.

heddwch
G

art - thoughts - missing something

The conversation I had with the photographer at the gallery closing reception for the staff art show has been lingering. I'm sure half of the stuff he was saying was well intended but not totally backed up...

but it has caused me to think more about the SEM stuff as images and photographs than just using a machine to harness and finesse electrons and coax them into an image...

thinking too much again eh?

Yeah probably, what's new.

Part of the line of thinking is dreaming about black and white digital sensors.

I always come back to either the Leica or the Phase One. One is a pocket range finder the other a true medium format. Both unmasked color sensors.

The advert copy for both is compelling.

Like that.

I also checked the rangefinder talk this time. kind of a holy shit moment. I guess in a way it clicked in that I shoot with the phone much like one does looking through the range finder camera. Awareness of the full surrounding - tweaking the composition knowing what's around where you're looking.

The fact that the language of photographers feels so clear and understandable means something I suppose.

And to be honest thinking more about the MFA idea. Sure, I'm old, I have no big pile of cash to dig into, I have no time, you're not supposed to work a full time job and then a part time job and also try to stay/get fit enough to do some competitive racing, and then add a degree on top of it.

I don't long for much, there's really nothing I can identify that I really want. This could maybe, if I let myself, classify and crystallize into something like that. I won't let it, because then if it doesn't happen long shot, like sling shot around the Moon and hit a bulls-eye hidden in the clouds of Venus long shot the resources exist to make both happen, I just don't have access to them. And no point being disappointed in failing to achieve the results.

Gotta go teach... 

heddwch
G

finished it...

The February edition of the bad idea hundo or 6mohundo or whatever I endeavored to call this mess when I contrived the crazy plan to prep for Michigan.

Why not return to Michigan for a crazy adventure bike race? Fitting I think.

So yeah I got the Feb ride in. Not quickly, my bikes are slow, and I am untrained and slow. Durable? Perhaps, doggedly determined? For sure. But this was a very significantly easier feat to accomplish than my blunder in January. Although I would have liked to have a coffee and a doughnut at the mid-point yesterday. Sufficed to supplement my rations with a handful of Krysta's chocolate covered almonds at NBX in ganset. Should have maybe stopped at Iggys afterall.

I also just finished reading Into The Wild. Who the hell ever told me to read this, and then how in the world did I decide to delve into that book instead of another sci-fi novel is still a big confused in my head. I mentioned that I was reading it to CF "Doubting if I should have. But not regretting it." he replied "Yeah, I would not have recommend that one for you!"

There are mountains of reasons why, but many of those why I shouldn't read them are more along the lines of relating to it on a very personal level. It leaves me thinking a bit more introspectively than I have in a while. For the most part my lack of confidence and timidity and risk aversion keep me from wandering down Chris's path. But then, I grew up reading Tom Brown, I grew up knowing what plants to eat, what not to eat, college as a botanist should give some idea to support that. My stupid long rides mostly alone or with few others...

Never for a minute did I consider taking David up on his offer at NBX. He called in a ride and went to get pizza to wait. I was at the 75 miles mark (he was just under), in south county and 25% shy of my target. There was no question I was going to get back on my bike and keep riding. Even if it meant finishing the ride alone. And basically even the straightest shot, way more than 25 miles from home, but then 43.5 isn't really that much farther than 23. Except it is. Esp on a bike, climbing the spine of RI only to have to hit PVD and turn south another 5.

With a huge amount of fortune the wind held as predicted and we had a tailwind from Point Judith north. It was a big help riding alone, steadily up, and up and up into Coventry. And the ice we encountered on the bike path on the way out at the start of the day had mostly melted. I was late, left cash and ID and med card at home, turned around to get them, delayed my arrival to 7 stars on Broadway by 10 min. Met up with Cornelius and David there. Cornelius is a great story, one year many ago now, during one of the Hope street festivals when I was working at the 4th street shop, he wandered down looking for a bike, and a helmet. We hit it off, I guess, enough that he bought a pretty sweet trek 7.3. And discovered riding. That bike was stolen from work, and he replaced it, and then bought a road bike or two, and it has always been fun catching up whenever we see each other, on the street or in the shop. I saw him in december after hatching this plan and he agreed to come along with the January one. But he had to work on Friday. Since this was a rare weekend Hundo for me I sent him a FB message and well, he said yeah. Scott G joined in but only until we got down to the other side of Big River, he had to be in Boston for the evening and didn't want to be out all day. And David said he was good for a long ride. David brought is Gaz out of retirement, Cornelius showed up on his Domane 6 disc that he got this summer and Scott was shaking down his Circle A. I was on my old Black blue. Trusty, slow and heavy but familiar and good. Well not THAT good. The rear der is kind of fucked, either the hanger is bent or the der is and while i thought I got it straight when putting it back together, i think I might have rushed it or overlooked something, not sure. But it shifts just fine from 11-19 but 21-23-25 don't work. (or whatever the three cogs just below the 28 are - not going to look it up). Paired with the single ring up front there's really a big jump. Not nearly as crippling yesterday as it was riding to boston in January. And no - have not had time to get a hanger tool on there - finally replaced a broken spoke on the Crossrip and discovered the rear pads were down to the backing today - trying some metal pads this time - rotor measures 1.75, plenty of life.

So yah anyway - it was a good day, the ice was a bit of a hitch in the early avg speed, lots of slowing down for that for those 10 miles we were able to ride on the Washington secondary path. We jumped off and hit 117 until the road that goes past the general store, then wound our way south on some fantastic roads, jumped on Rt 3. Scott and C headed off on their way, C wanted to head over to wickford, he knows the roads down here and didn't want to commit to the whole Pt Judith thing and I think he wanted to ride more at his own pace. David and I headed out way and had a great afternoon riding and talking. But on that road to Pt Judith, he started to crack and fade. Cramp and feel out of it. But with the wind at our back and me following the breadcrumb north we rolled and rolled and finally rolled into NBX.

The ride home, alone, the roads were good, some were great but they were mostly up. I had eaten my two sandwiches, one cliff bar, had one bottle of coffee, one 3/4 bottle of coffee from a funky bottle, and just a few sips out of my third bottle with water in it. Add the almonds from Krysta and that was it. I had planned to eat a bowl of museli for breakfast but we were out of milk and yogurt. I had some Kehfir (is that Key Fur or Ku-Fear?) and some other stuff with the coffee. Really not that much for breakfast. The two sandwiches I made were 2 egg, 1 slice of turkey, some cheese on 7 grain bread. Simple. palatable and easy to eat and very stable in my tummy. At one at a Coventry fire station a couple hours into the ride (just after we were buzzed by a side blade plow). Ate a cliff bar at the Kingston train station, at the second sandwich at NBX and the final cliff bar on the Washington secondary. Finished my water somewhere after that. Pretty damn minimal provisions and even at the end I felt pretty good pedaling. But then again I'm carrying around 40-60k calories of excess fuel as fat (maybe less - but that's probably close enough) and I've managed to stay pretty well fat adapted.

It was dark when I got home, Matt B loaned me a backup light, mine was warning me with a low battery, while dark rolling through the city it wasn't a big deal.

Tired, but not really hungry, thirsty? Yeah I was a bit, but I did pee twice on the ride, not too dehydrated. Made some noodles, ate some cheese, drank water, watched an episode of The Expanse (S3), then some outside hockey on TV then tried to sleep. Not only did I feel better riding but I slept without the agonizing leg pain after the January one.

But man I am tired today. Only got out of bed when I did because my head was starting to throb in need of coffee at 7:30am, shuffled through the day, did some laundry, grocery shopping then made an attempt to start the volvo (it started, i guess it is fixed for a while) and headed up to the shop to catch up on the maintenance of one bike. I'll try and ride the rest of them on a commute and leave early and get the rest of the work done on the fleet on the way home. Lots to do.

For now i gotta pack up some lunches, drink some water and start trying to relax, going to skip the Oscars, maybe launch into another book.  Writing here hasn't been as consistent lately, work, riding, reading, stresses and the like are hounding me or leaving me in no condition to get thoughts down. Not sure any of this stuff I've written makes any sense, but hopefully at least I'll be able to look back and after a while remember what the fuck i'm referencing. There was a downside to the pedaling. Once I was alone my brain started revisiting all the shit I've been working to overcome. Not overtly negative impact but mostly just made me feel a bit sad. But maybe i needed that particular alone time to help move on.

Now I'm really gonna wrap it up ..

heddwch
G

problem with upping the riding work

IE only riding the Crossrip+ once last week ... is that i'm doing more work, hungrier, but not doing enough more work to offset the increased appetite and i've been making not the best food choices... not terrible but i am finding money in my wallet and going to get food instead of saving that for picking up the six pack or the booze on the way home.

Adding to the added pedaling work - sure just commuting but it is also a wake up call to how much easier the assist makes the commute. And how much more work the single speed is compared to the Black Blue. I knew there was a difference but having such a huge delta makes the smaller changes more obvious I guess.

Hungry right now. I have a 40% CVS coupon, i could walk over and grab some snack food, but yeah, no. must. not. give. in.

But then I'll get home and be even hungrier. Part of it I guess is smaller lunch portions, less out of design and more out of we'll that's what is here to take for lunch, maybe it is enough. It hasn't been. Downside is even though lunch is smaller i'm snacking more. And that's obviously not good. Not unless I start riding even more. Trying to.

February is slipping away. I still haven't booked a ticket to Seattle, still haven't found the courage to do the taxes yet and see how bad it is, if everyone is saying it is worse than ever well i'm really not looking forward to it. I never am. I've mentioned already - get panic/anxiety triggers just thinking about it.

Been reading as avoidance, sure should do something constructive like taxes or kind of any list of stuff - but lately the energy levels once i've finished making dinner and dishes has been at the 'i can read' level, not much else. and last week i kind of got a revisit of the cold/sinus thing and was too wiped out even to read.

The last book in the Machineries of the Empire https://www.tor.com/2018/06/12/book-reviews-revenant-gun-by-yoon-ha-lee/ is amazing. To be honest the first one took me a long time to get through, and then it finally felt like it was getting somewhere. Book 2 was racing from the gun, a great engaging read, mostly due to how well the characters were set up in Book 1. Book 3? Also really solid and a faster read than the first one.

I've been trying to watch the Expanse but since no one else in the house wants to watch it - on demand is tough to wrest from the only device possible to watch it on. The others have typically occupied it with other intolerable (to me) content. Gonna take me a while to get through Season 3.  But hopefully that last book in the series will come out soon and I can read that.

The course is going well. but intense.

The gallery show was good. Not great. No sales, no follow up invitations for shows or what not, not that I expected it but i dunno how these gallery things work. I forget if I've written this already or not, but it sort of this pile hanging behind me. Conflicted as how to approach it and what to do next.  But I'm so occupied with everything else that I can't focus. I had some downtime at work yesterday, because I had scheduled a tower hill ride on my calendar. But we got snow and it didn't all melt and it sucked and I bailed on trying to get to work on the skinny tire bike. So being sick, eating too much, not riding quite enough, not good. Not bad. Not the direction i had hoped to go. But I am feeling better, stronger and that's a good sign, the rest can fall in place. That much I know. Esp if I can get out for the Feb Hundo. Timing is getting close. half way through the month and the long range isn't looking good. Going to have to do the block time off, hope for the best and pick and go. Solo or not. Where? Dunno.

But now I'm trying to get out of here now - back wheel lost a spoke. finally. last of the crossrips sold that hasn't busted one and been warrantied. I thought maybe i'd get away with it, but nope.

been more on twitter lately, less on other stuff - super busy here - tired everywhere else. But I also discovered there's a sparkling water thing up with the new coffee maker in the admin suite. So I've been adding another pile of water to the intake, maybe some of this extra is just water weight (yeah right). I'm also kind of tired of having to do everything for myself - no help. Dinner? gotta make it myself, coffee? yeah laundry? oh yeah i should do that too - but i've done it to myself. gotta live with it. just gets kind of tiring. never sitting down to a meal that someone else made? i mean at least I know it is cooked well. Well shit - got distracted - time to get outa here.

heddwch
G

avoidance of the cheeto

https://vimeo.com/282586471

funny - too dark and personal in some ways to feel comfortable posting it on twitter, but it still made me laugh out loud...

and chuckle

busy - feeling better - wish i had a clear day today to get a Hundo in. Probably won't have another day like that in February. Oh well. That's not what Winter Hundos are supposed to be ridden in.

But man it would have been nice.

Took some cool photos this morning on the way in. I like em, people have funny reaction "dude you should totally do the photographer gig on the side you're good" and then I look at all my pro photog friends and i'm like, dude i am a 2nd rate hack compared to them. That and i don't have a clue how to market sell or monetize the nanoscape shit, much less taking fucking pictures of sunsets and lighthouses. Assuming you can monetize either.

At least one of them feels super unique and I know there are only a handful doing it at my level in the world. Unlike that photo stuff. I'm not being negative, just realistic. Not mad, sad or anything like that. But i'll still keep taking the fucking photos with my cell phone and sharing them.

because this place, this planet is fucking beautiful. No matter how ugly the politics get...

heddwch
G

and sometimes there's a bit too far

By Thursday I was toast. Cooked. Done.

I made sure of it on Friday. Figured start the month off not riding the e-bike. Didn't figure on taking 57 min to ride in and being completely fucking dead.

Sick. Sinus, achy, tired.

The riding last weekend was awesome. The week was great but absolutely completely taxing. I dug a hole i couldn't climb out of.

i've been pretty worthless today, barely woke up in time to catch the women's CX worlds.

Finished watching season 2 of The Expanse in convalescing mode. Finished reading Scalzi's Consuming fire. I skipped the soccer game, put on some hockey, feeling better but still leveled. Dead, fucking, tired. Kind of funny.

But not really. Need to make sure I get my shit together for Monday. Another big day. Need to do some shopping tomorrow, was hoping to maybe get out for a ride, hoping to get to the 1PVD viewing party but I think I'm going to probably lay as low I can again.

means maybe not pedal...

fucking tired, but need to pull my shit together and get healthy so I can ride...

and the little shit is building up again, those little anxiety tweaks, hopefully I can take care off enough of them tomorrow, today is pure recovery, lazy, indulgent, but honestly i'm pretty useless for anything else.

next time hopefully I won't dig such a deep hole

heddwch
g

tale of two commutes

Yesterday - bitching horrible cold headwind. I was frozen when I got in. Couldn't pedal hard enough to warm up w/o dipping down out of assist and even with it the wind and cold was limiting power enough that the top speed had plummeted. And that was fine, riding into the mid 20s °F going 26 mph is WIKKED COLD! Legs weren't warming up. But it was also good, a light spin, active recovery, I needed the easy day but needed also more layers I guess.

Going home was just as bad but it was also dark and a lot later after class. But feeling better, and surprisingly pretty damn good after the weekend mileage. 

This shows a decent trend, hoping to keep it going:

Should be an achievable goal as long as I can stick to the hundo/month plus extra.

This morning I rode the Single speed surly. Nice tall gearing. Had to stop and raise the seat, wearing the Wolvhammer boots, maybe the ragnoraks that everyone else has don't have as much of a difference. DON'T CARE THESE ARE WARM.

Plenty warm today - wearing about the same as yesterday (warmer gloves) and worked my ass off, esp trying to crank that over geared beast along side running man David L.

But what gave DL the chance to catch up was not great. I saw meatwagon lights and a FD truck at the squantum club, and a cluster of people on the path.. "oh shit"

extra oh shit when I realized it was Joe G. AKA backpack guy. He had caught a stick (my guess from looking at bike with fender destroyed and locking the front wheel in place) and flipped over the bars landed on his head and likely broke his collar bone. David rolled up while we were there. Joe got taken off in a stretcher, in a huge amount of pain, helmet was broken. EP PD was there and said they would take his bike over to his house.

Sending Backpack guy healing thoughts.

Take care out there, even the bike path requires some attention, remeber it was on the path that I blew up my bursa and ended my peak fitness.

More about that - I got thinking, from that point on I was chasing something, trying to find something, or maybe trying to ride away, maybe drink away too from the end of 2013. Mentally saying 2014 was going to be new and different, well it was but it wasn't. Riding this weekend and on Friday I kind of felt new, like I was riding forward, open, alive. In other words, insanely positive and rewarding and felt right. Need to delve a bit more into my brain about that at some point, maybe the barest hint of that feeling is conveyed, or at least documented.

back to work

heddwch
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why not add a few more?

I took Saturday off totally. Did some grocery shopping, put my feet up, didn't quite doze, had some late coffee and then went to the NBX party all the way down in 'Gansett. Yup, i was fine. tired but not really that bad.

I've been sleeping like shit. Friday night everything hurt/ached/twinged/whatever, last night was a little better. Been having crazy vivid dreams though. Slept in a bit this morning, as in i woke up at 5:30 and then managed to doze until about 7-7:30. Time to load up on coffee, ate some museli...  got dressed and headed in to meet a slowly growing group. 9 in total. And we cruised out. I got dropped on the little hill before School street and had a route planned but couldn't catch them even though I told half of them we were going to turn on School street. Welp. Nope. Straight on through. We had dropped bart a bit before that but this new route found us catching up to them on County. So we all hung out for a while longer, riding, chatting, just making miles and it was pretty fucking awesome.

Talked with most everyone for a little bit. At one point Bart headed off home the short way and we headed towards Barneyville road and barrington and the bike path. The wind had been building and building all day. I had made it to the start of the ride pretty easily, feeling a touch over dressed even, but it was still good. We did the backwards RRRR through barrington, over to the road behind the golf course and then back on the path.

I was just under 40 miles at that point, and really wasn't ready to stop pedaling, had to pull the Flickr stuff off on the download and deal with a few emails so I rode in with Goldberg the rest of the way, knowing that ride home solo into the wind would be tough. It wasn't so bad. Sure my effort was pretty light all day, I got dropped on the hills but adding the extra 50 miles today felt great.

Riding bikes is pretty awesome. Half thinking maybe I just need to use my phone as a recording device and if i have to plug it in I have to plug it in. Although a gps display/device would be nice. Still overthinking that a bit.

Ate a cliff bar at the office before riding home and then at home had salad. The left over dregs from last night. Added some cheese, a big clove of raw garlic and some black pepper. Ate a few bits of meaty parm rind, and that was it, until dinner. Picking the fueling. No snacking. Avoided the chips, wanted to eat them. Didn't.

Couple burgers for dinner, a few wedge cut potato fries i made in the oven. Delicious.

might put feet up and read a bit. First day of class is tomorrow.

anxious about how much i'm not anxious about it...  i'm also slightly less prepared in some ways more in others. Also this is the...  i dunno 4th? 5th? time I'm teaching it myself. The subject material fortunately doesn't change too much. Physics and the equipment really hasn't changed. Added some new fun microscopes, and capacity but before last year it was all just stuff we talked about anyway. Now we can put it into practice.

Also I have a T.A. getting paid the same amount as I am for the class, should be a good fit. Might be a touch more work but different and potentially very helpful, and the best reason, the grad student will get to learn all this shit even better.

Listening to music, eating dinner alone at the table, E's watching TV, kid here at home ate in their room. Not normal, but I guess we are all solitary creatures in some ways... 

Bart mentioned some band, but I can't remember what it was called. He did thank me again for introducing him to Alabama 3. I'm just listening to my Pandora The Nationals station: https://pdora.co/2CKEOrc

Kind of mellow but melodic. Maybe too depressing, But it is generally good music. I don't have to skip songs too much with this one.

Okay time to clean up, put feet up and read a bit to set the stage for the next week of crazy intensity.

heddwch
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BTW - it really feels good to have spent this much time on the bike. I think it was very much missing as part of me and my mojo. Needed to sort this other habit and get rid of it...  bonus for getting rid of the booze is I think I may actually be recovering a bit from all this pedaling in a way I haven't felt in years. Gonna remember to charge the e-bike battery for tomorrow. Yeah, gonna get the miles in but take it light, active recovery.

HUNDO IS DUNDO

The TLDR version: it was really difficult, i was completely physically unprepared, but old man base kept me going as well as Jason just up the road guiding me home.

When the weather windows suggested yesterday would be the best, well it did wasn't so bad. I remember one January or February ride to boston and back coming home and it started a cold mid-30s rain as it was getting dark riding through Seekonk. There was no precipitation in the forecast, just sun, cool weather and hopefully ice free roads after the crazy weather we had the last week or so.

I was determined to do this ride, even alone. But it didn't turn out that way, very fortunately I think. Who knows when I would have gotten home if i tried to do it solo. Jason P said he'd join in, and then Burke called in to join at the last minute, and they made a huge difference.

Ride prep? well the bike was ready - did that a couple weeks ago, rode it a few times. Fit isn't great but it isn't terrible. Clothing? craft tights, vermarc bib shorts over them (double pad, yes) wore some smart wool compression socks, thin but almost up to the knee, hincapie long sleeve jersey under the pearl izumi softshell jacket. $10 Ocean state job lot winter 'ski' gloves, warm but not breathable, ibis wool cap under helmet and then shoes. Started to leave wearing the XC-7s, tried to put booties on (destroyed, wouldn't stay in place) then went with the old worn but intermediate warm LG Ergo grip winter shoes. Light, sealed up better than the 7s but not as heavy or huge as the 45North Wolvhammers.

Food? Got up at 5:50 and made cofffee, cooked up some sausage links for the kid and i to eat for breakfast. made more coffee, then made two breakfast sandwiches for the pockets. bread, cheese, two eggs, one slice of smoked turkey per sandwich. I should have made one to eat in the morning. I didn't. I got on the scale and was 218 pounds. Heaviest since racing battenkill that last time. Yeah I've been eating a lot lately, snacking and not racing and well yeah not good but potato chips taste soo good when i get home after work and am tired and need something. Will work on changing that up. Needed to start the riding first. So anyway, coffee, four little sausage links, glass of water, time to go. Toss a couple extra cliff bars in the pockets for backup, grab the battery pack and cable, try the garmin, seems to get started, timer started, but was dead by firefly. Shit. Well I guess I need a new one. fuck.

Headed out the door - let JP know I was going to be a few minutes late with the drop off.  Had to do a shoe drop at the school because kid forgot them at home, needed them to get a 100 in gym. Burke got there just after I did, a quick bathroom stop and we were off. Some ice on the roads, not too bad but we had to slow down and be careful a bit. We were following my route, until I turned left on after Newcomb instead of right. It has been a long time since i did that route. Oops. And then Burke took over the navigation. We wound up on Bay eventually, it was busy and the road is in bad shape, lots of potholes, but pretty uneventful. By the golf course there on 138 just after where the water was flowing on to the shoulder Burke said good bye and headed home, JP had to take a leak, I was hungry so we took a quick stop at the Blue Hills. Great having a warm bathroom there. I ate, felt a little better and we rolled into boston towards Firefly. The hills were already starting to get to me. It was not great, not ideal. esp since either the rear der is messed up or the hanger is bent or something is fucked up and I can't use a handful of the easier cogs on the back, it is the easiest (28) or it is the 19(?). But the dying on the hills already was not a good sign.

Got to Firefly just before the headed out to lunch. Initially with the time crunch and the short daylight we were going to head right back but JP wanted coffee and BCR really is just 2 miles away. So we hit that spot, even got a few union square donuts to go with the espresso.

And we headed back. Flew down Dot ave faster than the cars, got to Blue Hills, kept trucking down. Stopped at the Ice Cream place on Bay and East, not for ice cream, but so I could eat my second sandwich and JP could fill up his water bottles.

I got us on Wilshire but didn't see highland to turn left on, thinking maybe it was Hampton but we wound up back on East and JP took over the nav. I was lost and confused but maybe that was a good thing. Not having familiar roads was good. I didn't know what was coming and just had to try and stay on JP's wheel. Eventually we wound up back on 152. SWEET. I told JP to just head home, I can make it from here but he didn't. He guided me along, we made it back to 7 stars in Rumford where we met in the morning. He got a solid 101 miles in. Add 15-16 miles to that for me and Hundo was complete. Sure I could have called in a ride pick up but I ate a cliff bar, and then rolled home down the bike path. Actually didn't feel terrible, okay I was pretty bad but I could pedal. And there was a slight tailwind. I avoided all the shells... made it home.

It was rough. I was petting the dogs and that stupid weakspot/problem muscle from August locked up with paralyzing pain. I almost collapsed and it took a few minutes to figure out how to move to get it to relax. I was very careful the rest of the night. Was not easy getting undressed, I didn't sit down. I took a shower, and then got into bed. We ordered pizza last night. Maybe not the best post ride fuel but i drank a bunch of seltzer  and a few large glasses of water over the course of the night. Was in bed unable to keep my eyes open but too twingy to sleep at 8pm. Tried to read, nope.

woke up a handful of times through the night, weird vivid dreams, wide awake at 5am, tossed and turned a bit until 6:30 when my brain suggested I needed coffee, and got up. Def very sore still, but surprisingly not terrible. This not drinking a six pack plus after a long ride is pretty amazing. We'll see if i can make it to the NBX party tonight. That'll be a good test 8-10 pm...  tired just thinking about the drive back from 'gansette.

But hey - Goal is done. Hundo in January is in the books. Hopefully February is easier. Def plan to ride the e-bike less, it will be studded tire bike. When I need the studs i'll ride that one. otherwise i'll be on something else and actually working to pedal.

There's probably more detail i should put into the ride, but this is the big paintbrush version. It wasn't really a terribly long ride, but it was longer than I was prepared for. But somehow I survived. Now shit, i have to get the garbage and the recycling out to the curb.

heddwch
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Crunch time

or time to crack

what brakes first, my determination to follow through or my body..

going to make an attempt at the hundo on Friday. Calendar has been kept clear, weather isn't currently set to have precipitation and it is the warmest and driest of the three options I have left to attempt an all day/hundo. Yeah it shouldn't take all day to do a hundo but fuck it might as well toss in a destination so I have a goal to ride towards or I might not finish the ride. And if I set the destination at least 50 miles away i'll get in the hundo.

of course I ate shit on the bike today, slow motion crash, on the ice, even with studs. But i'm fine, bike seems fine, no big deal, bigger deal would be ice still left on the path/roads on friday. We'll see how that goes.

planning the run to boston and back, only really have to get to Blue Hills, but would like to head to firefly at the least...  it has been a long time since i've ridden more than 60 miles.

But, hey, gotta start somewhere. Kind of thinking about riding the orange surly single speed, aka the tank. Yes it is super heavy. But it also has full coverage fenders and while not perfect for group rides they do keep me dry and after a whole day of rain on top of this mess we have now the roads are bound to be wet. And well...  it is a tank, it has one gear, and well, turn it over, one pedal stroke at a time until the mileage has been ridden.

Not sure about garmin, may try it with the way it is now, maybe it will work. Probably won't, but either way unless it is like the Volvo it won't just start working randomly again after not working.

Interruptions galore today - must be crazy time here...

can't actually believe I'm going to take the whole day off but, 1: i need it, 2: i need to ride, 3: i need to actually follow through with this stupid challenge

so if you wanna ride all day Friday - HMU (hit me up for those not speaking abbreviations well)

heddwch
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Single speed slogging

Nothing quite as appetite stimulating as riding in on the over geared single speed in the mid-20s...

Hungry and can't shake it. Already have eating all but a tiny bit of my lunch.

Had in my mind a 10am meeting, nope it is 2pm...  was sitting here wondering where the person was just after 10 and then checked the schedule.

Damnit.

have one plan for tweaking exhibit install.

weather keeps changing, sunday no longer looks like a rain event. Just snow and not that much.

Hopefully we don't have to reschedule it.

Hoping the wood pile holds. I need to get the trailer hooked back up to something. I have destroyed all the QRs that work with it. go figure, hauling 100#s of wood at a time isn't the best? Shocking.

Looked at the calendar and finally blocked off all the days I could on my calendar.

Leaves me with three options for riding to Boston. Jan 25th, 29th or 31st. Pushing it to the last day kind of might as well wait till Feb but man can't DO THAT.
Gotta get the Hundo in.

Seriously kind of thinking about the single speed. It is heavy and slow but apocalypse proof and it has fenders. And the brakes work better than the black blue... But well i can probably fix the brakes, either put the V-brakes on there or put some new salmon pads on.

Well it is a winter ride, not supposed to be easy.

Okay - heading out back to the Gallery (have been there every day but Tuesday).

Maybe i'll grab some MORE food on the way back as a 2nd/3rd lunch. Not sure what's for dinner, may need to stop on the way home... 

heddwch
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Was a good time

The opening reception was fun, felt way too short, talked to a good number of people that were all very enthusiastic about the work, didn't get it or had trouble getting it. Some people I didn't have nearly enough time to talk with, others I didn't even get to say hello to, or just a wave. But it was wonderful that a few dear friends showed up.

Some surprises, but each familiar face made me happy and I guess thinking about it - i kind of went into on stage concert mode. Or teaching demonstration mode. But I guess it is kept in check by the part of me that was anxious about it all. I really want to tweak the prints a bit - maybe have an idea to do a quick edit and re-align them all. There was a bit of sagging, need to sort that out.

But talking about the prints, pointing out the hidden easter eggs, like where this diatom was on the other image and then where the large image is on the sample under the microscope was rewarding and fun.... 

I guess there was more teaching and talking with my stuff than the others but I was kept so tied up with it i didn't notice the two and a half hours just disappear.

I'm glad I didn't have time to get another cup of coffee, i think I might be able to fall asleep soon because of missing it. Perhaps a few prints will sell. If not, it is a nice bit for the resume, a big competitive juried gallery show to put down...

maybe the next one won't be so far off...

or it may be far away but not far off in the future?

life will reveal itself in time...

heddwch
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to recap

I had a terrible night's sleep, still haunted by dreams/nightmares, I'm feeling over-whelmed, hungry (even having eating breakfast and lunch - yeah still hungry), busy, but tonight's the opening...

Scared, unsure, am i too old to be trying to do this shit...  every doubt and insecurity seems to be enhanced right now... 

not the best thing...

on the other side, i'm doing better at coping with this mindset...

yes, i just want to crawl under my desk and hide until tomorrow... disappear, go away and come back when it is over...  not the correct action but it is not as powerful as it once was... no need for chemical bravery... probably have had too much coffee today, see point number one above.

okay - this was better as a semi cryptic blog post than an even stranger tweet

heddwch
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what a week

so yeah - things have flipped from the first week of january, it was nice and quiet and calm and slow. kind of deliberate on my part, esp knowing what the last week was going to be like.

Prints, so many prints, only have to sell a handful at gallery list price to cover them (30% margin - so kind of like bikes i guess - how do you price art and then factor the gallery cut - makes etsy and other online 'gallery' fees seem low). Not bitching about it, it is what it is. I'm very much grateful for the opportunity to share the work.

The install has gone well - mostly documented on Instagram, gallery reception is tonight at 5pm. Who knows who is going to show up, i have no idea, been passing out post cards, inviting people. Looking forward to talking with Doug and Damon and Elena even if no one else shows up. The prints aren't installed absolutely to perfection, i think these flat tacks are too slippery, not enough friction to keep the paper from sagging, but ignoring the edges, I really like the way the prints look so i'm trying to ignore the rest, knowing that i'm probably as critical as possible. I'm also pretty okay with not everyone getting it or liking it, that's fine. I think they're a great collection and with the microscopes there to look through, really help document the whole process of scale, and that was the goal of this proposal.

I've been riding the normal bikes lately. first i got everything sorted, the Surly single speed, the big orange tank, has a new crank with 110 BCD rings instead of the unicorn 94 -5 arm ones. Rode that yesterday, I think it is good for a Hundo, me good for getting that in on that bike? maybe not, but never know. The black blue is alive as well, I don't think i've ever had as many drop bar bikes ready to go with their own wheels, 8 of them? Sure there's the Crockett single speed with CX tires and a low gear, there is the Crossrip+ and then the white blue that is set up for trainer riding (did that on Sunday watching the Expanse) and the orange surly, and finally the black blue, but the Q-pro is ready to ride and the paramount is too. Heck even the Adroit has pedals and saddle...  everything has pedals and saddles. the Croll is the only one lingering as a frame, but it is just bars and stem and headset and brakes at this point. Seatpost and cranks and wheels have moved on to other bikes.

But brakes, holy shit do the canti's suck on the black blue. omg so much lever force and the rear ones need to be toed desperately. Then there is the BB7 on the Surly, the pads are pretty worn and the springs have busted but it stops better than the Black Blue (norcross EX that is still too small). And well the Crockett disc brakes are down to the backing as well, need brakes all around. Maybe going with the metallic ones for longer wear.

The big wolvhammer boots are amazing and warm. the heel strike on the chainstay is kind of annoying but not the worst. They are a bit taller and I'll need to adjust the seat height for any ride longer than a commute but no matter what the temp or the ride distance, wearing those means having warm feet.

Gonna hop back on the e-bike for today's commute, I have been getting spoiled by the lights on it for the ride home, but it has def been spoiling my legs, aka making me soft. Has belt good to ride the other bikes this week.

Time for more coffee and a shower and to figure out clothes for the opening and lunch and everything. Kind of hoped that I could invite a few friends out to restaurant week for lunch today but I've had to schedule a bunch of stuff all day and have to make a run to the printer this afternoon and will need to do the normal eat as I'm working thing.

The Bike maintenance class I'm teaching on Sunday is full, just in time for the big nor'easter to blast through and then get really fucking cold on monday. And then I start teaching on the 28th. Getting the Hundo in is going to be tough, and I'm honestly stressing a bit about it but not too much, although I should just sign up for the Michigan race to make sure I can't bail on it. Maybe I'll sell a few prints over the next week and will feel more comfortable spending that money.

Had a wicked disruptive dream that woke me up just before my alarm, writing this helped me forget it for a bit but a flashback to the part that was disturbing and just the people that were in it kind of have me a bit off balance mentally.

moving forward, never stopping, feeling old lately, realizing i am old, and that's an odd thing, it happens and i look around and others seem to be aging faster or more visibly so i usually don't feel old but still...  it is happening i guess... beats the alternative...

more coffee, then prep then crazy then stand around and chill. If you're local (are there any that read this that are?) swing by the gallery tonight. The Chazan Gallery at the Wheeler School. 5-7pm. A proper search engine will get you directions.

heddwch
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