here we are a few days past

 Things happened, races were raced.

Kid wound up 5th in the country. 

pretty amazing.

kid made it across the country solo, and made her way to World's selection camp on her own too. no big stress either, finally getting a handle on travel stress. Guess I was lucky to be thrown on a plane alone long before i realized how stressful it was, a 9 year old in charge of three little brothers trying to act 13, but those were the days when anyone could go to the terminal and drop you off and pick you up. 

So many travel stories. Growing up crossing this country for various family reasons, by plane or car, bus, train whatever. Not unique but def out of the ordinary. 

Got a ride in. Was more exciting than hoped towards the end. Raced back to the car, anyway that's not my story to tell.

It was good in the woods. Felt not terrible, not super fast but not like garbage. New shoes honestly not too bad. Fit isn't perfect and I can't tell if it is just the cheaper retention system or the design, which really are the same thing. Need to get a good long 6+hr ride in them to really check. Again I'm not sure about cleat placement. Put them where I thought I wanted them and got the angle wrong, went back and may have gone too far back.

Bit a good chunk out of my tongue eating my breakfast sandwich this morning. You'd think i'd have figured out how to chew by now.

Planning on Smackdown tonight, just because and why not and even if i get dropped I need the ride. Went to put the new cassette and chain on there, checked the chain after cleaning it. Only 0.75 worn. Fuck it, that's not that bad but it is too late for a new chain so, well, I just cleaned everything and hit the bike with some Pledge. Y'all can get your Muc-off or other high end finishing product, i'll stick with the lemon scented pledge. That shit works, looks good even on matt finished bikes.

I'd link some stuff but I couldn't find anything in my open tabs worth sharing.

Didn't ride yesterday -but drank too much coffee- wound up sleeping like shit. So of course I'm way more tired than I should be. Viscous circle. Not dragging tired but just the edge of it. Big race is in less than two months. def super fucked. but hey it is a stupid race to do solo and singlespeed. Like really dumb... but also really tough. A long, gravel race with a couple sections of single track and a fuckton of climbing. Also seriously considering FSSS for the whole thing or just part of it, I like the efficiency and comfort in the squishy form factor, it isn't the 'spirit' but you know what? Don't care.

If i'm going to make it through this conference today I need to take a quick break. Yesterday's session was good, today is too much structural stuff. 

Marching through it. Lets see if talk two is more exciting to me, i mean this stuff is really cool but only at the moment, tangentially related and only potentially applicable. 

Lets see what smackdown brings

heddwch
G

unprepared for that level of stress

 expected it - but it surprises me everytime...

probably good that I'm not there in person, would have been worse maybe

Was trying to get to work to watch it live - left a few minutes too late, but felt like maybe if I was riding hard at the same time she was racing maybe there's some quantum entaglement boost? And then I thought about that and realized if there is I better take it down a notch during the race so I don't take anything away. Contemplated stopping on the linear park and watching the live feed on my phone but man I'm glad I went to work, cued up the live stream and re-wound it to the start of their race and made it full screen.

And holy shit, damn. I was standing up the whole time and it is now half hour later and I'm still wound up from it. 

Pretty close to the most stressful seven minutes thirty eight seconds and it ended with a photo finish!!!

That top boat was in a distant 4th just before the 500 meter mark. the red hull (3) moves on to the grand finals. White hull (5) goes to petit finals.

That difference is 0.132 of a second

okay so... man what a way to start the day. Yikes.

(race is on replay for now: https://youtu.be/dKyVl_sD4vs?t=2645 that link should cue it up to the start of her race)

Tailwind commute last night - hit 173prm with the big 180s. Who says you can't spin long cranks. Well maybe you can't. My backpack was even rock steady on my back doing that. 

Pushed it this morning, took it down a tiny bit, dropped the power and upped the candence a little (knee) and the big fast dude always crushing it on the super fancy Checkpoint SLR rode past but not that fast and I just said fuck it and stayed with him. check the strava, it is different.

Got me thinking, I can do a hell of a lot just by smashing the commutes. So, I'm going to smash the commutes.

Been checked HRV in the morning. And it is in the green range but just barely. Bonus I'm seeing a 44 HR after waking up, so not bad. Probably should get a real way to monitor, a BT hr strap or something.

Should have kept the HR on while watching the race. Yikes. Maybe a BP monitor too.

Time to move on with the day if possible.

heddwch
G

Tomorrow is a big day

 Marks 4 years.

Four years after finishing the handle of Polish Vodka I'd bought two days before. Woke up and saw Bourdain had committed suicide. I've never been a Bourdain fan, tried to watch his shows, just couldn't get into it, rubbed me wrong, but his essays and his writing were dramatically different, in my mind than what he seemed to be like on the TV shows. You can see elements of what i was drawn to in the writing but the rest, just didn't resonate. 

perspective

Looking up in black and white. 

Pause. Look at your familiar locations from a different perspective.

No need to capture it in a snapshot or describe it to anyone. Just be in that moment and absorb, and recognize that everyone sees everything differently.

And be kind. 

really crushing the read links

 Someday maybe I'll go back to promoting this place of moody discontent and bike content...

F"yeah

 LW kicking ass.

Also - Fuck the AZT Race Administration. Seriously. WTaF

I dunno, she's the GOAT ATMO

or at least one of the GOATs

May the AZT race adminsitrators suffer endless goatheads on their rides.

 Proper keyboard  to smash words out with

This song hit some chords just now...

I looked at the date...

Feb 8, 2018

8th... 2018

hmm

shit

June 8th 2018

Coming up on my sobriety receiving an honorary bachelors degree.

two rides

Looking at the calendar.

One more day on May.

Could not be more antithetical to 2016 if I tried. The year iirc that I kicked off the biggest mileage month ever. Started with a Hundo, ended with a Boston Hundo and smackdown. 

I have ridden one time that was not a commute. 

Once.

And that one time kicked off some stuff.

One time pedaling a bike somewhere other than work. One time in the woods. Period. Once. 

I scrolled back until the next ride on Strava that wasn't a commute... April 24th.

And then scrolled back some more and I was in March. 

I know it's been for reasons. 

But seriously this shit is not sitting well with me right now. It isn't because I'm not wanting to ride. Quite the opposite.

Yet here I am, riding less and less.

And it is a fucking perfect morning for a ride.

It will pass I suppose. But I'll have basically gone from riding in the winter too full leaf coverage. No chance to adjust to the changing light. Missing the best part of the year in the woods, spring.

It's summer now. Everything is in full spread photosynthesis mode now. At least as I'm watching from the car or the bike path.

So much going on, so much set in place that is just there, rescheduling, whatnot, heck haven't been to the shop enough either. Kind of so run down that I can't really ride before and still be functional, can't ride after because I have to get places.

And those are just the challenges I can talk about.

It's been a week, the unwritten unsent draft is probably best deleted now.

Time to pack up and head out to do what needs to be done.

Still haven't solved the crank issue, can't believe it fell off over a month ago and I haven't ridden it since.

Feels weird writing a web log post from my phone.

Feels weird not riding. Not sure what to do about it.

Oh amor fati motherfuckers

Heddwch

G

paywalls are a tool of prejudice

Been giving space to this 

'Paywall the news separating those who can afford it from those who can't ... prejudice and bias in the access to information and knowledge by a paywall'

It is another one of those HFS moments reading @TochiTrueStory Goliath

Think on that..

Creators, journalists, writers, photojournalists... Yes they all deserve to get paid, but when the best information and news is hiding behind a paywall, it becomes a privilege, a division, a furthering of the wealth and class gap that is so often racially drawn. 

I don't have the answer, but it feels like a significant challenge to society right now. And a wedge effortlessly and irreparably dividing right now. 

How to both give the documentarians a living wage and free and equitable access to the information and news? 

take 10 minutes

 And watch this:

new high speed

For listening to a book. 

I can't quite imagine what it would be like to listen to this book at 1.0 speed. I was at 1.5x this morning on the bike ride in, this book is a good distraction for what the fuck is going on, and it is due tomorrow and while I have a physical copy and have been doing a hybrid read, lately when I've tried to read, i'm tired and the book is good but not gripping and action packed enough to keep me awake. Sadly it also isn't enough to put me to sleep right away, just land me in that purgatory of too sleepy to do much but not sleepy enough to fall right asleep.

So there I was, fuck it, lets go to 1.75x.

Big gap

 

Been spending words in a draft, not a blog post draft or an email draft. But digital draft. Words that I'm capturing because I'm uncertain if they should be shared, edited, or just deleted after some time.

Strange few days, heck week? Since Friday at least.

searching for equilibrium

 Always a challenge. 

I suppose you can think about equilibrium as moderation. GeWilli doesn't do that last thing very well. 

Hasn't really found the the other thing.

hit a new level of uncontrolled

Freakout.

So y'all know the gallery has been on my mind for a long time. Right?

Thinking, too much

 Wondering, really, if all my social issues can be fit into a clinical diagnosis.

Sure seems like it lately.

can't stop, won't stop

 So now I learn that shit ain't something someone made up about shitty CX canti brakes?

Damn

This one's for KF

 

Getting all emotional at the ending there...

t O's book

Like a candle in a room, dying, slowly dimmer, then eventually nothing, blackness takes over, and as it does your memories fade and you become the darkness. 

Your conscienceness fading as the light goes away...

Another passage, 

"ever wonder why seminars on white privilege are just a bunch of white people trying to figure out what's wrong with being lucky? "

Anyway, read books, people who get paid to put words together are really good at it. 

Do a wheelie Danny

 Like all Danny's productions, this is just fantastically entertaining. Can't help but smile.

even with everything going on, in order to face what makes us uncomfortable. 

we need a few moments like this:

and if the algorithm doesn't push you here...  you should watch it:

if you've been keep score

 GeWilli has not been so good at staying ahead of the exhaustion curve. He seems to keep moving until he can't, collapses, recovers only enough to get back up and start moving again, just not fast enough not to be clobbered in a short timeframe.

Like woops, now.

ride bikes

 Does look pretty amazing to ride and live there...

still only one line

 and also no wonder people false negative on these Abbott tests, they are crazy complicated and fussy compared to the iHealth tests i'm used to using.

click over on www. zineee. com just because, okay cut paste and remove the spaces - keep the link track backs clean, and thinking about engagement, if i don't put one of these things

Cleaning out old flickr photos

 And well damn if there isn't some gems in there.

Guess I had it on autobackup starting at somepoint in '14...  kind of wish I'd started it sooner but that's probably when the phone filled up the first time. Maybe. Didn't have a smart phone till '13. Late adapter.

There was a conversation, more or less one sided, I thanked someone for their words on twitter in a DM, they replied three phrases that literally became something I kept going back to. Again and again over the next year.

It sucked, and yeah there was a huge victory fist pump when i found it. Bunch of other amazing images. I'd backed flickr up once before, a couple years ago, I had logged back in and my account must have gone from dormant to oh hey you have too many pictures, pay us or we'll delete them all. so I deleted them. And holy crap that was not easy to do.

I erased a few key words and who sent it but it probably won't take a genius with twitter to dig through and find the original thread. Hell I found it. 

Another good one is from Canton:

This dude. We both lost our fathers roughly around the same time, we wound up doing most of a full lap at Crosstobeerfest, riding side by side, talking about it, was pretty amazing, unwittingly we had a long string of people just riding behind us, patiently, while we shared some pretty emotional stuff.

Brad's one of those good people out there. Like really genuinely good and amazing people. If you see him, give him a donut.

heddwch
G

The noose is closing in

 Having escaped getting covid for this long, 2.5 years if you track it back to the earliest spread and transmission of Sars-Cov2. man it would have been so much better if they called it Sars2. So much scarier sounding than covid or the vid or the 'rona.

And finally after that time our house has one positive. Docs refuse to prescribe paxlovid, no co-morbidities. How about we give it to everyone who can benefit. Gotta be enough doses now, no? Ration care, sure why not. Honestly timing isn't' bad, assuming the rest of the house makes it clear w/o tripping a rapid positive. There's a lot going on and the bonus change in plans means less hectic house cleaning today.

Headwind has been nuts and of course it shifted just a little more out of the east than north and instead of a nice tailwind home last night it was pretty much full cross wind. 

And just as I said something about the knee feeling better, well wouldn't you know, riding the singlespeed commuter, well lets say, didn't feel great. A little better today, and no, no smackdown for me. Just still tired, and really can't quite get to that mental state of wanting to go hard on the road bike. it is strange, but then I haven't been able to get out  on the MTB either, and want to but man time. Where is the fucking time? Honestly a part of me was kind of looking forward to a positive test for myself yesterday. 5 days of doing nothing, not leaving the house...  sounds pretty amazing.

Also pretty sad that it takes getting infected with a virus that has the potential to shrink your brain, damage your heart and countless other unknown health issues sounds good. 

Maybe just need to take those 5 days off while I'm healthy instead? Maybe after I finish this week, and get everything done next week that I won't get done this week and then maybe, then? except for all the other stuff on the calendar.

Tweaked the side bar again, no point sending you to dead links, updated a few, added two bike shops for obvious reasons, not that anyone clicks on there. I should probably put some Topeak linkage up. Remember if you need something I've got a code for you that will take 20% of the price off any in stock item purchased direct from Topeak.  
20% discount code WILLIAMS-22 at https://www.topeak.com/us/en

There making it stand out. No i don't get any cash or bonus or extra stuff if you order with it, but they have been sending me fun cool awesome shit to use and abuse and talk about so thing about it as a thank you to everyone who has to put up with me talking about it. Now hopefully they'll be releasing a 350PSI digital shock pump soon. I think I need just a little over 299PSI in the shock on the Top fuel.

okay- gotta go shuffle TBs of data around. Have an 8TB NAS that is totally full. Good thing data is cheap now. 

And yeah, I'll be the one still wearing a mask everywhere. given what I'm seeing? if you interact with people at all, you probably should be wearing one now too. 

heddwch
G

tidy narratives

 "The truth, as usual, is both and also neither, too complex for a tidy narrative. But we keep trying, don’t we, to tell our story? Like anyone attempting to weave tangled threads of experience, I hope to grasp something tangible from the abstraction of memory. "

Well isn't that just a fucking brilliantly perfect pile of words describing what many web loggers and diary-ers (diarrhea allusion intended) do with their spaces?

How many of you have waited for the line, the bad line, to show up on a Rapid test? Guess what, if it shows up it will show up instantly. That 15 minute wait? just to make sure. But as the fluid flows past in the nitrocellulose filter, it will react instantly.

If you start testing while it is strong, and watch it, it will fade, slowly away.

This story is in process. It is a stressful one. This pandemic shit, it is nuts, it is scary, it is insane how many people are infected right now. 

Last class happens soon. Then some grading and then i can move on to the rest of the absolutely insane.

Stay well out there my friends!

Heddwch
G

stuff

https://www.thecut.com/2022/05/roe-v-wade-limits-of-privilege.html

Well this booster #2 is kicking my ass and my arm is functional, but barely. 

Had 2 novel symptoms though. 

1) Realizing that 4 years in your 20s feels like the same amount of time between 30 and 50.

2) Hard realization of how short our lifetimes are in the scheme of humanity and history.

Good move skipping the gravel ride, also good move skipping work today.

It sucks but it is what it is. 

- wrote that yesterday - 

got up at 4:30am to get the two headed to the rowing race in NH ready to go, making food, coffee...  then I went back to bed, Hey it is light at 5:20am. 

And then I feel back asleep hard till 8:15, thought about texting that I wouldn't make Dirt Church but fell back asleep for another hour, then slept another 30 min...  got up, ate a little, browsed netflix, then cued up the replay of the Women's XCO. Still watching that now, they are on the last lap.

Booster and life kicking my ass. I'm tired. And looking at what I'm trying to do lately? GO FIGURE HOLY SHIT. On the other side I'm getting a lot done. Just not riding much. Getting done what I can get done.

So much to do though. Not sure how to get through the next week. Thinking about 4 years ago, thinking about further back...

My knee seems to be getting slowly better, still not 100% but def getting close. 

But kind of shockingly tired. As in fuuuuck me seriously? So tired, some how need to recover. Funny how I can find the energy if i need it but when I don't creally need it, feels like system failure. Hard to describe. But there's so much to do, how to do it all. But also rest? But then for the pedaling thing, that really would benefit most from rest. But also need to ride. So what to do? I mean I can go out and do a 20 mile hard MTB ride but then i'm dead for a day or two right now. 

Really not sure how to solve all this and still meet all the obligations. 

guess i'll work it out somehow

heddwch
G

greasy joe's?

 The gravel grinder not the usual Dirt Church location.

Had kind of thought the Hellraiser edition would be awesome. I also thought maybe doing smackdown tonight would be a thing.

Thinking no on both. 

I'd like to do the hellraiser but i think maybe I might do it solo, it is a tough ride and there's little refueling so it takes serious logistics. That last time I did it solo was baaaaaaad, but good but also not good.

Was thinking this morning about the Top Fuel, get the crank sorted and then was thinking about the tires, those soft SE4s are heavy and not the best but also are on there and with the cush core are a pain to change and do i really want to get another set of wheels (obvs yes but also no). 

And then there's all the other shit going on. 

Fuck - that sense of doom and dread this morning after yesterday's shit...

On the plus side I feel a little better than yesterday, just like a tuesday has felt for a while, but still not energized enough to go smackdowning.

Gotta figure this shit out somehow, def need to starting riding more and skipping a big fun ride is a dumb idea but other shit has to happen. And I'm tired. 

Also this morning I thought about starting to take the long way in. Might not be a bad idea.

Def need to start the Tower Hill morning meeting routine again too. But would be good to find someone to join on that. Someone maybe just a little faster than me (i mean that's pretty much everyone anyway) 

And then...  what bike? Got dreaming of a new Road bike but i already have a way too expensive fancy MTB, that said a new road bike would be really nice. Oh well fuck it - only benefit of this frustrating morning is I have time to sit here and monitor shit with just enough attention free that I can smash the keyboard.

heddwch
G

trying to figure out

 why i feel like such garbage on Mondays lately.

Today's no exception, it is like last week but at least last week I went out and rode 20 miles in the woods. This week? 

nothing and yet here I am zombie...

speaking of zombie:

Time to ride home before it gets too much later.

Maybe I can even dodge the rain, almost made it in dry this morning, tailwind was appreciated, but it is probably still out there.

May make some green curry tonight, sounds yummy but so much chopping, we'll see.

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

where did it go

 The weekend that is? 

worked on bikes  yesterday, today plans changed by unclear communication and failure to secure proper resources. so we went grocery shopping instead.

meant no dirt church but maybe not the worst because i'm tired. and still negative, test, mental outlook is still pretty positive and that's kind of a surprise.

finished Heretics of Dune, churning through those massive tomes in audio format works better. So tired that my eyes couldn't tell if something was an 18 or a 13 on a curved bottle in the store. Not great lighting but no matter where i put it i just couldn't quite make it out. Kind of terrifying to be honest. 

Was scrolling through IG and hit a big swatch of people on bikes, racing, photos by friends who shoot some races this weekend and i'm looking at all these people and they all look foreign to me. Somehow my identity has shifted? Dunno, was just weird. 

Crank fell off again last week, not sure what to do or how to fix or what. Have the SSMTB to use, perhaps that's something to think about riding more of. I dunno though. Need to kick start something, somehow. 

mentally just also tired. physically too. I got a good hour or two working outside, doing small things like pulling up the invasive english ivy, perhaps my new goal is to eradicate it from my yard. Noble and impossible  but something to do. in the sun and outside. 

it is strange, current feeling that is. No real Fomo from the weekend, lots of riding and racing and fun shit happening and I just went to build bikes and supposedly building a compost bin but that didn't work out well. 

I forgot that greasy joes gravel is next weekend, probably will skip it, but maybe skipping this weekend means I should give the smackdown another attempt. hang out  in the B group perhaps, form a C group, drift back into the what the hell am i doing group. Maybe it will rain again. 

Dunno really, feels like a strange crossroads at the moment. except no roads except the path I walked to get here.  can't go back though, that's the past, there are stories and memories but any fork in the road i didn't choose then is long gone, washed away by the weathering of time. 

Still mostly governed by this  new fatalistic awareness of finality. Still pretty crippling at times. The urge to purge grows, but then I have a weird mind that each object becomes a trigger for a specific memory and that object becomes a memory and if I purge the object so too the memory. But then when cerebral function ceases, well, those go as well. 

Have to work on figuring that out, that how to  survive with this mental state, has the potential to be self destructive, but at least no desire to ever go back to the ways prior to 2018... closing in on 4 years ago, 4 years ago  in a few days I started one last month long bender of epicness. Epic only in so much as to how much i was physically capable of consuming. 

Need to fall back on gratitude, more than just a crutch, but still feels more like a splint than a solution. 

I should really get on with cooking dinner. Much more food to make and I'm tired, weary. Need a vacation, like a real one maybe this time, is that even possible for me? Haven't really had one in so long I have no concept in recent memory. 

well

till next time

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

Covers and Originals

 Was given a pub card about another show. I don't think it is as good, and is a bit more contrived but it isnt' bad and just maybe different. 

A collage show vs just a photo show... images are technically good from the screen but also missing some tonality I try to capture. 

It seems more along the lines of what i was doing in 2011 with the J&WU Edible Nanoscape show. Perhaps he got the idea from that? Unlikely but who knows.

RM posted something about heavy metal covers of Lightfoot's Edmund Fitz song. Shared one that just seemed like a little more rock and roll, so I dug into the depths a bit two. Found two good ones...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjjjixDv3wE and https://youtu.be/rAra9YYFpis 

And then promptly put on this:

All the while balancing everything else. Another unexpected and appreciated schedule break. Almost like a planned unstructured moment. Dashing from one thing to another but still insanely busy, all the while being relieved not to be talking for 4 hours straight and being totally 100% focused. Fitting in this here and there. 

Re-edit when interrupted mid thought. catching the train in many places at once.

There's a really massive amount of shit out there in the world to weigh one down and fuel depressive hopeless feelings... metering out the dosage so you're not oblivious but also not incapacitated is tricky. Slipped a little down the incapacitation slope earlier today, trying to dig myself back out. Surprisingly managing okay.

Oh and it is weird to have the kid just walk out of the house with their bags, get in the car and leave. Alone. Really, weird. 

Guess I should probably not forget to eat lunch. 

And not forget to hit publish...

heddwch
G

moments

 Grabbing them here and there.

Thinking too much but being too tired to think critically or helpfully.

A few people that shouldn't have and who've managed to avoid it so far caught some of the covid - i know more people I interact with that have come down with covid in the last two weeks than the whole two years before. 

Kind of crazy.

Also I don't really interact with that many people. Maybe my internet friends have gotten it and not shared that they got it. But still.

Seems significant. Sure everyone's symptoms are mild but still, that's just what is presented, not what you can't see. This fucking virus is insane.

Had another fortuitous cancellation this afternoon. Downside is it meant a project got stopped earlier than it needed too but it was already 177GB so plenty of data to work with as it is. More would have been unmanageable.

Went to ride up to the printer, went to leave bike felt funny. Front tire was flat. I just filled it up this morning.

30 min of futzing (including soapy water) and nothing. no hole but the valve was a little sticky, could have just not been tightened all the way down after filling it up this morning? Dunno. It was a bummer. But gave the Frame pump a bit of cleaning up.

Watch out on the roads - kid is driving. Today was the first day. To school, to practice (presumably) and hopefully home. She's solid, patient and very much not wanting to follow the lead of all her classmates (hitting shit). Have to admit - i'm pretty anxious for her, but also feel comfortable with her driving. The last handful of trips in the car while she was driving were really good - she was confident and seemed comfortable and attentive. I shouldn't be worried, I'm not really but it is hard not to be as a parent.

But kids grow up, oldest never did get a license, let the permit expire without doing much with it, just too much to learn how to drive at the time. And they're okay with being in the city with a bike and public transport. And that's f'n cool. 

So far the same fucking tube that was flat is holding air.

Trying to trim a few blocks down in this time space but that means starting it and then letting it run. Cutting 500µm at a time. Just on the edges. More critical cutting happens in a second, or tomorrow. Maybe.

Started off feeling like I had a plan with the words here today, so maybe just going through the motions, getting back into the rhythm. 

Might have a tailwind tonight, we'll see. 

best wrap it up and head home and start making dinner.

get up first, make coffee, wake kid up, make them breakfast, pack my lunch, shower or not, head to work, head home, make dinner, sit for an hour, go to bed. wake up, repeat.

wonder why i'm tired all the time

but things are good

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

140 characters of time

 or whatever it is now, hell you can post a 1,000 chirp thread, and that's more than that character limit, so is there really a limit anymore?

No, and now the potential takeover has me thinking, well, maybe it is a good thing. Honestly though there are people I never would have met or connected with that I appreciate all the time from that free webpage. There's a good handful of folks from the old G+ days that I still see there and call a friend.

It was a unique place, but I suppose that's the whole point of a social network they change and where ever we all wind up, everything dies and this current conciousness ends. No one is posting on social networks after they die, not yet. We haven't fully mapped the brain and the connections and made AI versions of ourselves like Ready Player Two talks about or Scalzi's OMW or any other brain copy sci-fi books... We are who we are at this time until our time.

Had a friend mention that well we don't know what happens after, maybe it is way better than this? Either way - be it nothing - endless sleep and the cessation of 'us' or an afterlife of hell or heaven a reunion of all the past generations - perhaps we do wander the earth as a spirit...Doesn't change the fact that our digital space is purely here and now.

And like the human race, seemingly more and more just a blip on the planetary time scale.

Fuck I get a panic attack anxiety flush just thinking about that, thinking about how short the time is here and the heart breaking inability to know what will happen next. We'll likely never know the end of the story... Will it end? 

The gallery show maybe has made me think more directly about what I went through this fall. Death, that feeling when I turned 50. My dad. My mother's heart failure and how little time she has left given that condition. Spending time with her, really understanding how much constant pain she's in and how challenging the path forward for her is, it is overwhelming. 

And then the whole Sars-CoV-2, the mistakes made over the last two years, the number of people continuing to get it... a couple things have been occupying my background thought processes:

1) vax status and "long-covid" (not just obvious symptoms but the hidden, heart and other issues)

2) post covid susceptibility to more severe TBI/Concussions. It is documented that Sars-CoV-2 can cause the brain to shrink. Given the mechanism of TBI, more space means higher force and that means potentially more severe concussion symptoms and increased recovery duration. Wondering if that's maybe why RF's super long symptom duration is persisting?

Also since 'long-covid' health issues can be asymptomatic or apparently dormant until triggered, the full depth of this virus might never be completely understood for a very very long time... if ever. That's what I'm basing my personal risk assessment on. 

There's a fuck ton of other shit bouncing around in my head but I'm really tired.

There's so much to do, but even still things are okay. If not good. Even though there's so much bad out there and so many people I know and love are struggling. And for the most part I can't do anything for them and that's the worst.

I did finally get out in the woods. Had a fabulous ride. Then my crank arm fell off again. yeah the bolts were tight. it isn't a good situation, can't get new cranks for that, might have to scour the internet for NOS. Being an outlier sucks when the industry is cutting down SKUs and chasing stupid trends. No I can't ride a bike with a seat tube that steep and no, I can't seem to pedal cranks shorter than 180mm w/o being in serious pain. And NO i don't know why that is. And Yes, it sucks. But it is what it is.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

I'll try to be a bit more regular - we'll see, fuck I may just pick up and move over here totally. But even though I know there are a couple of you reading this - it isn't the same as the other place...

really well cooked

 Check the link in the last post and you can re-watch it. Guess they left the recording up so you can re-watch it. I'm still not ready to watch myself, already pretty self critical I'd pick myself apart, but lots of people thought it went well so I'm avoiding dispelling their impression of the artist talk and avoiding actually doing more than finding that we start talking at the 47 minute mark.

Finally got on the bike this morning, another long break. April is gonna be a light month. Maybe that's a good thing? Dunno but there are plenty of other stressors, can only do so much...

Trying to sit here to gather the energy to ride home... 

Tomorrow's another really INSANE day that hopefully will go well

Semester has a few weeks left, then, well then I think it'll be time for a handful of mental health days, aka get on the bike and ride... 

At least after I rest and recover a little.

Just have to push a little further...

heddwch

G

virtual opening?

 Yeah there is one:
check it here

This is the link to the live stream tomorrow night.

No passwords or signups are needed so people can go right to the link at 7pm

https://evt.live/nebi-gallery

In case you wanted to see me attempting to act like an artist and say words about my dad without breaking down into full on sobs.

Busy f'n day, heading down there now, unknowns but oddly not obsessing about them because I can't control them and being so far away and practicing this has helped just roll even deeper with the GeWilli Chill...

words, will have to improv some words, try to hit the bullet points and put them in a natural order but scripting?

Let the words flow, like when I get in a groove here, sometimes they just come rolling out faster than my fingers can capture them, and I trip up a little and get lost, but I'm also not trying to talk for a huge long time so hopefully I won't.

let the work speak for itself, give the background, brief outline, people can ask if they want more details...

let it be what it is

time to hop in the car and drive for a while

got thinking, started on Wed morning...  hugs...  is the best part of the bike racing all the hugs with all the amazing people I've had the fortune to meet? Sure there are people who don't want hugs and for them just seeing them, and then not hugging them, that's almost as good as a hug...

side track - another side track, masks, going to be game time call if i mask the whole time or just when I'm not talking, but if no one shows maybe I can just chill and not. We'll see. bringing options... and myself.

time to drive

heddwch

G

Waves from the weeds

 Hitting the wall already. it is fucking tuesday though.

That's not good.

Wrapped up a training session early - by a few minutes, after an insane morning. Not sleeping well with all the stuff going on. I had managed to cut back on coffee a little while in Seattle. Saturday had a little too much of it and well...  didn't sleep well and here I am paying for that.

Not even any good riding. Working on the exhibit stuff.

Speaking of: https://nebigallery.org/

I told y'all about it right? You're gonna be there? Right? Maybe too far away. 

But it is soaking up all the fucking time I have. Like ALL of it and I'm already pretty overwhelmed just trying to recover from being gone for 5 days. 

Still recovering from it.

But the gallery is opening, I'm excited, I think. Headed down there tonight. I wish it was a lot close but it is where it is and is such a unique opportunity that I couldn't say no and well...  here we go. Somehow have to make it till Friday night when the opening happens and then home.

But it is only Tuesday. 

But besides hitting the wall things are good. It is weird? But a really nice change.

Sorry about the mostly radio silence... gotta get through this shit first. then get back it all.

heddwch

G

sunny in Kitsap County?

 In the spring? 

Crazy.

Went for a drive, hung out with my nephew (he's not a year old yet) and his parents...  

not getting much rest, but recovering in different ways.

it is good.

a few more days and then I spent the night flying

and i'm back to the crazy

gotta say i kind of like this change of pace, would be nice if the whole sleeping schedule thing let me actually rest, but time zones and shit... 

at least there's coffee...

and still very little to no social media. hell i even made the one Strava hike up from the beach private.

heddwch
G

time to recharge?

 I guess that's what you call it?

Trying something new, no social media about where I am or what I'm doing.

And for me not a big deal other than when I'm here I'm usually posting all sorts of fucking photos because it is amazing.

But I think maybe taking a break is good. 

Brought the big laptop, very very very little else with me. Have to write up some basics for the gallery, history, pathway to get here, what lead to the collection that kind of stuff.

Getting up at 5am eastern time and then not getting to bed until 10:30pm pacific time is a long time to be awake. And then top it off I had to drive home from Seattle through Tacoma just before bed. And today I'm wiped out from everything, from last week, the weekend, travel, riding.

No bike for the week. I rode into the headwind in the 24F weather yesterday morning. That sucked. Then I changed shoes really quickly and ran/jogged to the train station, bought a ticket and then walked down onto the train and it left. That was close.

I might put up the photos here, just to satifsy and placate the need to share. So maybe it'll be more photo journal this week. If i pull out the computer and do this. We'll see eh?

i'd annotate but maybe they are self explanatory

Heddwch

-G

backlog? Hah F'n beaver damn

 its like the fucking beavers went nuts instead of hibernating, and well, shit's stacked up and the rain's falling from the sky and the snow pack is melting and the little beaver pond is now rivaling glen canyon dam. 

That's how it feels with this here web log right now.

And ya know how that usually ends up.

All that piling up behind the dam... well it'll pile up for only so long before a flaw in the beaver's engineering is exposed and the whole thing lets loose and we start from scratch.

Reading (actually reading and listening, hybrid style approach to a book) a book. Now reading. And reading before bedtime. Been a long time since doing that. 

have to use readers now, eyes ain't what they used to be and i'm worried that the whole reading is cranking the brain up and that's fucking with my sleep.

Because I woke right the fuck up this morning at 3am with what felt like a motherfucking brilliant idea to open the presser for the Gallery show coming up.

so I woke up, grabbed my phone, headed to the bathroom, sat down to take a piss (it is fucking dark and i'm mostly asleep and that fucking toilet is a long way away from my... well you get the idea) and just start trying to get this idea into some sort of sensical idea and opening...

Haven't gone back to write it but the act of writing it def helped remember and those words and ideas are percolating. 

So oh yeah, if you're local, or find the need to travel down to Westerly, RI on April 15th, come hang out at the gallery. Gonna be the regular gallery opening things music, artist talking, shit to look at... More details here soon but put it on the fucking calendar.

Had a little cancellation today - unexpected but appreciated. First time in weeks that I've had a chance to sit in my chair, in my office for more than a few minutes. And miraculously the full facility is running smoothly right now, packed full of users and non of them have been running to me to help. At least so far.

Rained on Saturday - there's some shit i should have done but I was wrecked and tired and basically just kind felt guilty about resting and recovering while it rained.

Headed out on sunday, a bit later in the day for one hell of a good MTB ride. Not super long but no one was really taking it easy and chasing three fast old dudes crushed me and my legs. Or maybe it was the shopping right afterwards. I was a useless pile at home after all that. 

Monday was nuts but i started a new book. Inbetween Dunes (just finished Children of Dune, next one is on the phone waiting to start listening to). A walk in the Woods. A book I'd never read. Got a pile of books from a friend, like real actual paper ones. Been a while. And that mountain of books is pretty fucking tall to get through right now. So, fuck it lets read. 

either too much coffee (possible) or reading before sleeping (also possible) or body still kind of wrecked from the riding... I slept like garbage Sunday Monday and Tuesday night. Right it is Wednesday. Fucking monday felt like a Friday, I was in a FPF mood too. Caught a few people off guard. 

So yesterday - after not sleeping much I figured, fuck it, lets smackdown. Graham says it'll be a no smack smackdown. Except Leon showed up and hit it hard on the turn to Woodward and left me, Jason also kindly said he wasn't ready to go that hard, so we rode together. I went as hard as I think I felt I could w/o being at the limit. I probably could have gone faster but I dunno, was not feeling awesome. 

But knee felt good and i tweaked the saddle angle and that seemed to fix the lower back hip pain from riding this bike. Was frustrating when he dragged everyone off... but hey - that's to be expected. Gonna miss next week but maybe I'll be rested for the following Tuesday? or Fresh? or still really tired from the Red eye flight and catching up over the weekend...

Was going somewhere but got side-tracked somewhere. 

Oh that what's your favorite something ice breaker question thread on twitter the other day... yeah that is insta-freeze for my brain. "what's your favorite color?" ummmm "what's your favorite bike?" ummmm

now if you ask me "what's your favorite road shifter lever thing?" 5700... fucking instant response. No need to think...  Favorite CX pro? not much thought there, Favorite car? Actually also pretty easy: 99.5 2 door Golf TDI...  I guess it is kind of easy to see the issue, the vague social small talk questions/answers lock me the fuck up, traumatically, the specific shit that only a small handle of outliers can talk about? Those are the easy ones. 

Oh and I broke another pair of glasses. I've got basically only industrial chemical safety clear glasses to wear on the bike now. Somehow have to resolve that problem soon. If I'm going to keep riding the Black Blue (fucking thing has probably over 20k miles on it) I'll need new drive train. The chain is at the 150% wear point - but it is shimano and hasn't started skipping, much and is worn together. No, the drivetrain doesn't have that many miles on it. And shit - just looked. There's no 10speed shift left in S-tech... damnit. Well fuck I dunno then. Need a new bike but do I NEED one. No. But yeah whatever. Would be nice to be on a road bike eh? 

Anyway.

There's other stuff but I'm getting more distracted and sleepy.

Give this a watch. 

Good shit in there.

Heddwch
G

Trail builders shanty...

 They climbed the hill one morning, the weather it was fair

The peak loomed high above the clouds and no one gave a care.

They walked in cotton and that day and they dreams they never failed.

They're out to build a might trail for all of us to rail

The captain said a piece of gold for those who shaped me trail.

So bend your backs and dig me lads.

I know that we won't fail.

So bend your backs and dig the lads,

and build this mighty trail.

Tonight we'll sing and dance, and tomorrow night we can rail.

And Yubee rigged some dynamite and lit a faulty fuse

it blew the rock and took them too, leaving nothing but their shoes

now 100 years have passed 

since the captain and his crew split the earth 

and cracked the rock that trail came rushing through.

The trail it goes on living, for that rock it bares a scar.

And if you ever drop that chute, a voice calls from afar.

Bend your backs and dig me lads and build this mighty trail.

Tonight we'll sing and dance and tomorrow we can rail.

We'll carve and shape the loam and dirt and a prouder folk they'll be.

To carve a trail that plummets from the mountains to the sea.

https://youtu.be/juxlm5dorLU

To film in pure black and white

 Maybe only possible with the Q2 from Leica? 

Filming on a 28 lens only? perhaps?

But holy mother of all that is nature and beauty it would be completely enthralling to watch.

Accurate and true grayscale...  no RBG noise... This film does a good job in B&W but there are moments that feel not quite as good as can be.

Perhaps I've watched too many black and white films, maybe strongest of the influences being: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beauty_and_the_Beast_(1946_film)

holy crap it is on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSsw3WJgKrw (for now)

And yeah, that's black and white. Rending black and white with digital isn't a problem, but capturing it? That's where the challenge lies. The fucking cursed bayer mask.

I love the black and white films just like I prefer and love black and white images.
Here's another: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytEqB_lVJA8

And probably always will. There's a place for color, for sure, but sometimes... sometimes you need black and white.  Ah to be really actually wealthy... such is life tho.

Hey maybe the Comencal was shot on a https://www.red.com/DSMC2-MONOCHROME-BRAIN?quantity=1&sensor=1  doesn't quite feel like it, but what do I know. stills mostly... But when I look at that link I'm thinking there is one hell of a lot more stuff that needs to be purchased to start creating with it. 

Damnit - used up my time, have to focus so i can leave my office sanctuary before it is dark (didn't bring lights today to try and force myself to think about the departure).

y'all be good, create as well as consume quality

heddwch
G

lightfall

 You'll have to watch to get the quote exactly correct, but:

Preparedness brings you closer to luck

Gets ya thinking eh? If you put the effort in, the work, have the planning and practice in place, you're in a better place to take advantage of luck.

Or chance. 

Better able to recognize that lucky opportunity. 

Without the prep, the work, the knowledge, luck can walk up wave a big flag saying HERE I AM THIS IS THE MOMENT, and it will be invisible to the unprepared.

It is why we practice/hone your craft or skill.

In bike racing is it most like the alignment of a good day with race day.

Just something to think about. 

When you frame luck like that, esp as a photographer, it makes sense.

The amateur can get 'lucky' by shooting a thousand frames, they might get lucky and get a good one. But the practiced and skilled 'pro/am' can recognize the luck of being in the right place, or knowing if they put them in a certain position and be aware, that lucky shot will show up. And with one click capture it.

It isn't just photography tho. And most of my analogies fall into the arts realm, or the skill realm. 

But some people are wired like that about dealing with other people, I don't think I am, but I also maybe agonize over lost opportunities more than some, or had. Haven't been what iffing lately, that's good. But I do recognize in the past that I was aware of that lucky break or opportunity that tremendous sign but was too afraid, unconfident, anxious, fill in the fucking blank to seize it.

But here i am and now. And that's neither here or there or related to this short film. Thinking about this film, directly with the SEM artwork, that putting one self in a place to make something special.

in the end:

"Knowledge and preparedness allows you to be lucky.

So there's the technical side of, you know, knowledge.

And then the preparedness of like, getting it, and then all of a sudden just having luck.

You're closer to luck.

Maybe that's an addition that I'm addicted to is lining all those stars up.

There it is, and all this sweat and waiting, and a bit of drama there is all worth it."

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

what is gravel

 I think they do a good job with this short film.

Capturing what it is, what it means, what it has become. 

Yeah we've all been doing it for a fuck of a lot longer than it has been called gravel. 

Deliberately picking to include some dirt roads on the road bikes because it is fun as hell, but also to watch that one or two people in the group who you know are absolutely not comfortable off the pavement, a few I knew just didn't like it because they thought the bike's paint might get dinged. I have some of the most iconic and beautifully painted bikes and have never shied away from riding them anywhere.

https://youtu.be/qgUDW8qImwc

check the link, maybe it'll autofix - maybe you'll have to cut and paste...

It is a little like CX was in the early days, very inclusive, welcoming. But unlike CX it isn't as hard and just finishing is enough. CX is still a race no matter how you distill it. The CX bikes were the first gravel bikes for sure. They 'paved' the way but needed some help.

It is funny having this perspective on the sport. There were changes before i started racing but they were pretty small compared to now. MTBs hit the mainstream just as I started riding them. I rode that wave, hitched on to CX as it grew, watched MTB fade, local road racing more or less disappear, CX fade a little, gravel grow, MTB expand again...

Odd having this perspective. 

Watching that tho, drove home something that did kind of always bug me. I mean sure, I am me and I am the way I am because of that and maybe this is how it is supposed to be. I love these big adventures on the bike. Michigan's Coast to Coast, 24HOGG, whatever else that's crazy and insane, but all of these over the years, even just CX, I feel really really really alone at the start, not so much during, but very much at the end. 

Alone.

I'm not but i watch a film like that with people being enthusiastically greeted when they finish and all that... 

I guess maybe need to work on the Jean Marc mentality, in some ways that's how i do it, why i do it, maybe all the ways. But unlike J-M i've always been aware around me. Of others. 

thinking back to the last CX... Ice Weasels. I made the long drive there alone, set up alone, chatted with others for sure, but then left alone. 

Maybe that is why some of the most memorable races have been traveling to them with someone else, going through the process with them. Even if they were racing a different event like Mark LFN. 

I'm now kind of mad at myself for this tangent. 

But maybe it is partly due to being halfway through finally reading Seth's really long bit:
https://citsb.com/2021/12/25/old-boot-re-boot/

Def having very tangible bad PTSD of growing up under the threat of nuclear annihilation, my students have not a fucking inkling about that, they have other worries but don't really understand the implications of what it was like. 

Got me wondering how the star wars program ever got along, can we shoot down all the missiles fired at us? Could we ever have? 

What if someone does do a low earth orbit nuke detonation and wipes out all the satellites? Yeah yeah rash and over reacting and all that, nothing to be done about it anyway, I guess. Sigh.

It is tough to keep going, keep working through it. But at somepoint last week Ihad the microscope monk mindset take over. in that it is sort of how I am...  but anyway

time to blast, step away before the computer restarts on me.

heddwch
G

Musical interlude

 

I was going to leave, Wahoo was at 9%, so rather than running apps once it dies, I'm charging it a little. Hoping maybe it'll soak up enough charge to get me home. 

And so i pulled up the 'tubes again... and saw this...

Tom Waits? Sean Rowe? Fuck yeah...

hit this one up if you want:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-r5Bl9jEBk

heddwch

G

words

 So much building up.

I did finally finish watching 'The Alpinist" fucking hell that was amazing but sad and lots of words about it but there's some really solid and important truths in that film. It was really well done and very very thought provoking. I got lucky stopping when I did, really a perfect point where I could really let the first part of the film soak in, digest and absorb without the trauma from the second half that felt definitely foreshadowed but maybe not inevitable? 

Been trying to stay present and focused. Working a little.

links

These have been hanging out in the chrome on my phone as tabs. Yeah I needed to clean it up. So I closed em all after copying over to this.

https://www.pickr.com.au/reviews/2021/leica-q2-monochrom-digital-camera/

https://www.brooklynvegan.com/brooklynvegans-top-50-albums-of-2021/

https://www.tonyscoffee.com/brewguides/aeropress/

https://www.nytimes.com/games/wordle/index.html

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2022/02/07/tabula-rasa-volume-three

https://www.singletracks.com/mtb-progression/mountain-bikers-guide-to-keto-a-brief-overview-of-the-low-carb-diet-for-riders/

https://www.topeak.com/us/en
Why this? Because i keep trying to remember to share the code with people, what code?

discount code for 20% off 'WILLIAMS-22'

Not everything is in stock but they have a bunch of cool stuff, and 20% off is 20% off. 

https://regatta.time-team.nl/crashb/2022/results/e6fe67dc1-9484-4426-bee6-26d955063bd0.php
results with the videos for each heat.

Trying to crank through everything, dropping balls here and there.

But also kind of slowly moving closer to figuring it all out, well not ALL of it, but a functional process and being able to move forward. Part of it was taking tuesday off. Like I said. Crazy. But in reflection having that day free from obligations to relax is important to balance how much I'm trying to accomplish, but then again there's a fuck ton of shit i needed to do that I didn't but I just can't keep going the way I have been.

And as far as the training goes? My knee is still not 100%. It is getting better but there's always a set back or two. Cutting back activity and letting the body rest actually seems to help the knee. NO SHIT DUMBASS (talking to myself obvs). So, I need to remind myself that, yeah, getting healthy, well, as much as possible, is important. more important than trying to hit a few workouts that might set the recover back.

It has been a while since i've gone full samuel beckett here, might need to hit that longwinded stream of conciousness non stop word vomit soon... why?

well, i had a few minutes, not quite enough time for a full movie and didn't want to try and read a book, so I hit a rec from a while ago about a movie, was told, just watch it, don't read about it, just watch even if you know what happened/the ending, well I don't know what happened or the ending and I'm just past halfway and i have an idea about it but am fully engaged and honestly it was kind of impactful in many ways even just the first part and that's a bit weird but i guess the rec was absolutely spot on so, well, looking forward to finding the time to carve out and watch the last part of it. Might have a bit more to dig into when I finish it. I don't want to say what the film is other than it is a documentary and it is less than 2 hrs long and is new. pretty easy to avoid unintentional spoilers when you're not looking for them but hard when they are tossed at you. So. yeah, gonna have to wait for that.

okay - back to my bullshit, lets see if I can get out of here before i've been here far too long today, like most days. 
SETTING BOUNDARIES

amazing shit if you can make it happen.

crazy

heddwch
G

catch up?

 Maybe.

Took today off, had some big plans, the list of shit to get done is pretty daunting, but i've been wiped out by everything and the sheer intensity of everything.

Was looking in the mirror last night, I've changed, I look older. I am older. Maybe i need to start acting like it, I looked at myself and said, slow the fuck down. At least for a little bit. 

No one has ever faulted my endurance or stubbornness. Gets me through most things. Never been the fastest, or the quickest. 

Woke up with a solid early coffee headache. Happens when I stop drinking coffee at 2pm instead of 4 or 5 pm. I don't like it when that happens.

But I also managed to snag a 3/6 in that five letter word game, was stuck at a 5 for that many days I think.... I try to wait to play until after coffee is made, sometimes I make it, sometimes not so much. 

Made chocolate waffles for  the house yesterday morning, cooked up some more with the left over batter this morning. 

Sent everyone out the door, put my feet up, tried to rest and relax, maybe nap. No dice. Watched the end of one movie i started a while ago, watched another i'd been wanting to see for a bit while eating lunch. Did laundry. Doing laundry. Reading? nope. watching more TV? nope.

I was thinking I should get on the trainer and do tomorrow's planned workout today. Nope. 

Kid suggested I talk to someone professionally about this low battery feeling. Hell I know what's up, I'm literally not taking any down time. Not having any time to recharge. I know that's the first thing i need to do. Rest, recover... even full of coffee I managed to almost fall asleep. I did get completely relaxed, like that really nice feeling of just everything going slack. I can kind of do it on demand, starting with the feet, moving to the head. just let everything turn off, it is a good feeling.

Sorry the blogging has been lagging lately. Start of class has changed the dynamic. Teaching though does what it always does, both energizes and exhausts but def more of the first and while I feel tired I'm also not feeling anything negative. 

But I am feeling tired and def not motivated to get on the trainer in the basement to do a prescribed workout. No races planned looking forward, nothing till March. Weather is fucking strange, def want to get out for some long MTB rides. Maybe toss some faster rolling lighter tires on the Top Fuel and make it a gravel bike. Might need a bladder or some other way of carrying more liquid tho. One bottle cage sucks.

other kid did well on Sunday, not quite the target time for her 2k but still a PR and in the closest race and it was tight and she gave it all. 

I keep coming back to death lately, I forget what it was this time, maybe something about the direction of what's happening, about what my Grandfather might have thought about things, about how those who are gone are that. And I thought more about why people really so firmly hold on to the notion of a soul, and life beyond this, and how when we're dead...  we're gone. I hope I have time to come to terms with it all... I think one trigger at the end of last week was going to Ship Street...  seeing the ghost bike for Evan B-B. Thinking about him dying there, in the heat, about to win a race... what happened to his bikes, are they being ridden or cared for the way he appreciated them? But does it really matter what happens. Does someone's prize collection of something just get thrown away? Why do we form such intense bonds with objects? And yes, I think quite often about my dad and his abosolute refusal to part with certain items, most of the stuff. Gotta be genetic, the amount of stuff my grandfather had too. But those are two quite different men, neither of which were really very good influences on me. I mean they could have been much worse influences. 

Thinking too much. Time to escape beyond the second half of a movie or a whole movie where a complicated storyline has to be conveyed in less than 2 hours. 

best dig into a book, they last longer.

but first maybe I just need to rest. 

def don't have the energy to pick up and deliver and work on installing the gallery show

was a few other things I wanted to get out of my head, maybe tomorrow.

gonna rest some more, so hopefully I can hang around a bit longer, with luck...

amor fati motherfuckers
G

I started writing

 three separate posts

they are all drafts

time? what time, and when I get home i'm just cracked and barely getting through making dinner.

planned to do a Reddiyo workout last night, toooooo tired even after riding the e-bike all week+

Like since forever ago... Today was the first day on the singlespeed commuter and it felt great, very nice to be on a bike that fits but not quite before my back started complaining and other issues started cropping up. Pedaling on flat pedals in the boots and then wearing the boots probably wasn't great for that long.

need to start reading...  checked out Ready Player Two to listen to since the book I bought a while back still hasn't been read and now there's an extra pile of books on top of the other books. Need to change habits somehow and get to reading more.

Working on it. 

For a very very long time I had tried to find the Saturday morning cartoon that I really liked, the one that was different, stood out... For some reason it eluded me. Keywords never seemed to fit. Space aircraft carrier, space navy, space i dunno something, it was space, and some sort of naval ship and small ships and Speed Racer like characters. Some of you probably remember and already have the name of the cartoon in your head. Today? Faceplace suggested Star Blazers as a group... and I'm just kind of like WHAT THE ACUTAL FUCK AND HOW AND THAT'S IT.

And they are all on Youtube. Srsly. I never saw the first few, hell I don't think i ever saw more than a handful of episodes but the ones I did see made an impression. And I could never figure it out.

And here they are.

Add that series to the list of things to take up my time.

Have to cut this way short, been more active on twitter than I should be maybe, but it fits more of the timeslot opening that I have lately. Very very brief bits here and there. Mobile not desktop. It is all just really busy and intense and maybe at some point it will all sort out a bit better, more easily and yeah... maybe not.

Such is the path chosen. The choices you make or the choices you don't make you still have made the choice or how ever the fuck those lyrics go. Brain SO BROKEN right now. But not bad space, just tired. Working really hard on supporting everyone around and that's not as bad as it has been in the past.

So that's good, things are not bad, just a bit overwhelming, and after an insanely overwhelming couple years, yeah, it is alot.

Will sign off, maybe even try to get home before it gets dark. Which is important since I just realized I didn't charge the headlight (ebike has built in light that never goes out) and I haven't used it in a long time.

Woops.

Heddwch
G

so yeah... BossTones broke up

 Then we had a major fucking massive storm.

Two feet near by, drifts in the back yard over 6' and base because of the fence of 4' and mountains of snow in the front yard/street side that are over my head.

It hasn't been above freezing and the bike path is fucking impassable. Might have enough people walking on it that I can make a go at riding the Stache to work. Maybe. Would be better than riding on the road.

Yesterday kind of sucked. Remember what happened with the new to me studded tire last year? Happened again, the other one. Flat. But at least closer to work this time. Would have been bad if it happened at the mid-way point. 

Made it hope on the other spare tire I had at work. 

Put the old studded tire back on instead of the new old one for this morning. Was good that I did. So much ice but also sketchy bullshit that no tire is good on.

Of course we're getting a major rain event on Friday, then it'll be single digits on Saturday. Haven't had the bike path this fucked up since 2015 and IIRC someone ran a snow blower on part of the path that year.

No a fat bike wouldn't help. 

First class yesterday and i was fucking leveled. It is exhausting, but such a damn good group of students.

Looking forward to it.

but also slept well i guess, felt like I had a week's worth of dreams, they went on and on and on and woke up to the alarm super confused. Still tired but that was really strange.

Saw someone's posting of a Whoop score...  99% recovered and rested, or something and I was seriously very much completely unable to fathom what that would be like. I don't even know when the last time was that I had any sort of idea what being rested is like. Then I looked at Whoop and hey it is subscription based and hardware is free... oh well guess i'll not be trying that out anytime soon. Not sure how i feel about wearables anyway. Hell I've been on the e-bike (studded tires) for too long, haven't even put the HR band on... 

Got in late (changing tire and stupid cold this morning and since there was school needed to wait for that traffic to clear) ate breakfast late, so not hungry now but I'll probably be hungry mid-session. 

Oh well it is what it is.

All that shoveling and I don't really feel sore. strange but cool? SSMTB? maybe? Dunno.

Will try and trackback and get the drafts published but we'll see about that.

time to go show some folks how to use a fancy scope

heddwch
G

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

 CK

Seriously....  sitting here crushed, unexpectedly impacted more than I'd have guessed.

If you were to ask me, you can see one live show what would it be:

there's a draft waiting

 I'll poke back at it later - i think it was from Friday night.

it is Monday...no, Tuesday that feels like a Monday after a Monday that felt like a Sunday.

Watched this over lunch before heading to a meeting with the Printer to get the gallery stuff in process, looks like maybe we'll be a Month out from the opening, so soon, maybe Omicron will have died down and it will be enough time before Pi comes and hands everyone their lunch but we'll see, maybe it is a mask only 

shit masqureade opening....  ooof brain esplosion with that idea - could be cool...

anyway it'll be good but back to before lunch, the soundtrack is fabulous btw:

and my french is terrible, but not as bad as I feared, I can still almost understand what's being said some of the time. 

Songs like this: https://youtu.be/cgwDR95QPVM

or: https://youtu.be/s4Afw3_jc_k

or: https://youtu.be/tYUDXnJf3IY

some new tunes I hadn't heard yet... paired well with the action

the meeting has me flat out exhausted tho

should be good

oh and if you missed it (IE don't follow Thom on IG or didn't get the link sent to you by me):

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Thom P. (@thomparsons)

Heddwch
G

why do we do it?

 Between Friday and Today, well... if you add up the people who rode their bike outside in RI 

There's going to be me and...  probably no one else.

Got in fine today, it was fucking cold tho.

really cold.

Not quite single digits F but close enough and the wind was brutal from the north.

aka a headwind.

really liked having the lighter gear on the singlespeed

Not sure you can call Stevil's thing a blog, it is more a weekly post to drive sales and shit so he can eat food and keep the lights on and buy beers and whatnot. So yeah that's still all good reasons and that he posts good shit and writes well.

I'm not sure i ever do either, maybe borderline post good shit, mostly just shit he or someone else posts that I see and i aggregate here because well whatever for some reason.

Damn I'm down. Whatever, it'll pass. Life moves on. And here I was going to leave and ride home in the ridiculous cold. Yet here I am. Still at work. 

Party is I checked Stevil's post and then clicked over and watched this.

Brown sugar snow is the worst. A mix of dirt and salt and snow and cold so cold it won't melt but all that extra shit in there keeps it from solidifying and then the cars pack it down and it is tough to ride on. 

There's so much to read at Stevils that I have to come back, my brain is glossing over and my attention is drifting and i can't focus. Maybe tomorrow, but maybe you want to go read it now. Or not.

Awe fuck...  temps have dropped, now a nice warm 13°F oh well it isn't that cold only what -10 or -11°C, not like it is -40° (F or C the same). But yeah, even ridden in that too. 

Time to bundle up, needs more than just jeans and a thin jacket for this shit.

I miss my fucking mittens tho, esp on days like today.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

even avoiding it...

 it is a lot. 

What happened last year on this day.

comings and goings

 The blogsphere is dead.

dried up mouse in the crawlspace for 20 years dead

piles of pill bugs dead

twenty twenty [part] two

 

 

Yeah motherfuckers WELCOME BACK

I mean we haven't really gone anywhere. 

Sort of mostly true.

But now we're back.

And there's a whole new wrinkle of crazy added to the mix.

A wrinkle that might make it easier and less stressful.

Eventually.

Recap:

brought the Stache to VA (3 days there and rode trails on two of those days, the other day was christmas) 

Tried to ride everyday the week after, didn't make it, weather or other stuff got in the way, but I did ride the Stache once after putting the 170mm seatpost back on (full of squeak killing teflon pipe dope grease this time). Then the next day rode the Top Fuel with the new 9point8 offset seatpost. Then the 31st went up to ride Borderlands with Mike and his crew. And the rear der did the same thing it did in May on the ride with Syl. Rear der went boom. And instead of being able to put it back together the bolt was not to be found. Scootered back the three miles to the car. That was a bummer, bike was feeling awesome, dropper working really well.

Went back out on the 2nd it was wet in Big River, it is never wet in there. But it was a good ride.

Got stuff printed yesterday for a show here, and talked about the bigger gallery show.

And here I am.

Just as fucking exhaust as I was before.

Oops and things got accelerated today. 

Time to eat a really quick lunch.

maybe more later

AMOR FATI MOTHERFUCKERS

G

counting down

 variables keep shifting, plans evolve, options open...

life is one hell of a ride, watching a series with E last night some show was calling someone in their early 40s old, and they were waxing poetic about never being too old to start over even when you're old..

and yeah... i'm old, we're old, but here we are, sure as hell beats the alternative.

on the old side I watched episode 3 of Old Enough to Know Better... because I really needed to hear a dude who is 36 complaining about being too old. or old enough to know better. I sure as FUCK thought I knew everything at that age, and oh wow was I fucking wrong as fuck about so much, but I did get lots right and the opinions that were not right were still coming from a place trying to help, so while maybe a bit off, still intentions haven't waivered. 

Still trying to help... but then I guess no good deed goes unpunished. The bigger the gift of self the longer you have to suffer in torment maybe?

Not sure what brought that line on.

This one got to me today https://gravelbikearchive.wordpress.com/2013/06/16/remembering-dad/ 

It has been one hell of a couple years.. so much loss.. 

So far I've done a good job at making sure I have more work to do next year. But then I can only get to what I can get to and if i take an extra break to drink a cup of coffee in my office and get some thoughts out of my head after watching a video, well... that works for me.

Maybe Omicron will peak in 2 weeks and everything will be 'normal' by mid-january. 

Except, we all know nothing is ever going to be normal again.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers
G

Also I like the idea of moving to Greenland with a bunch of Mountain bikes (dirt jumpers, DH, Enduro, XC, HT...) and a skid steer with both a bucket and a backhoe and just ride and build trails. There's gotta be some snow free space, and more and more soon, right? Also no people. Just bikes and riding bikes and making trails and oh, right, i'm old... fine I'll just make lots of easy trails but all different and just ride. 

One can dream eh? no?