Need to write up yesterday

 The annual MLFN memorial ride.

Short is it was awesome, I gave a speech at the start of the ride and made it through without cracking...  but i cracked and almost lost it when Justin thanked me for saying what i did.

My legs were absolute garbage, I was dehydrated, poorly fueled, tired, and had just spend 90 minutes in the car driving back from Waltham wondering if I'd get to the ride.

I did get there. Hung out till the hill up Austin, got pretty much completely dropped. Rode by myself but not alone. Wrote some words on instagram (click over there somewhere on the sidebar to read it).

But once again it was Mike's post that got me here (and a few extra minutes before leaving)
https://nsmb.com/articles/bell-curves-and-middlemen/

Stache is pretty much the perfect bike. Saddly I think the position on the Top Fuel is not quite right again. I rode it Sunday and i had the seat in the wrong height issue and a knee pain. I wish I could nail it just right because I really do love riding it and it is a much more relaxed and gentler bike to ride with the shifting and squishing. Sure I haven't actually tried to race it, but maybe i will and i should and yeah...  whatever and now I'm going to maybe add a road bike to the pile and have to dial that fucker in too...

but goddamnit MIKE yes the Stache is kind of the ultimate awesome bike. The new Roscoe is pretty close but not quite the same, better for some, most? but the Stache with the 3" tires is just the right amount of float over the loose w/o being fatbike slow.

anyway, i'm tired, stressed, looking for ways to carve some time off, keep screwing up and scheduling stuff... gonna ride home soon, without a rear brake spring in the BB7 (it got mangled and destroyed) lets see how long they work w/o it (i mean if they will get home), maybe i'll do a full write up tonight, but i'm tired, might not be able to...too much screen time already today...

heddwch
G

damnit motherfucker

The jackass who got me to finally subscribe to Bike, but that didn't happen till they tanked and then well I jumped on BETA because i was optimistic that it would carry on, but of course that tanked too...

And I was left without the MF content. That guy MF. Mike Ferrentino. We are similarly aged, he was writing about wrenching while I was wrenching, he was always that guy, on the short list of writers about bicycles that I related most to.

He's on the IG, selling a house and land, traveling all over the place, making fun of overlanders and all the other good shit. But his writing seemed to have vanished.

Except it didn't and he's still putting words together but that motherfucker never told anyone and who the hell reads North Shore MTB? 

I mean hopefully a ton of people so they can generate revenue and pay for his words but I wasn't among that group. 

https://nsmb.com/articles/back-handed/

There ya go.

And yeah, I put sunscreen on the back of my hands if I put it on my arms, always have, always will. I watched my dad's hands go through hell. It was the skin but also the nerves. He had lost all feeling in them basically. Not great when stuff is too hot or too cold, but we all got our thick leathery skin from him, some of us have developed it a bit more than others (the twins mostly).

I like Mike's writing because EVERY FUCKING TIME it gets me all introspective and shit. 

He's like a blogging catalyst, I look at my hands and they are small, fingers don't look that big and yeah I'm in that 30%... but I also know XL gloves usually don't fit my hands (too small). Just like everything else. choices are limited and brands all fit differently and such is life as an outlier.

Anyway, guess I'm gonna dive deep into NSMB and see what I've been missing. 

heddwch
G

been a while

 Since I couldn't fall asleep, since I couldn't stay asleep, and completely unrelated to turning myself inside out at smackdown.

Yet that was last night. Anxiety about switching carriers for the family, super trivial and thoughtless for others but me a bit source of overthinking and stress. Weirdly, but I guess when you break it all down there's both the unknown (I'm not the biggest fan) and change coupled with a first time. Just kind of hits all the triggers at once. Maybe it is why I've talked about it for years and just keep shoveling over buckets of money to the current carrier for a piddling amount of cellular data that if anyone (aka the only one with an iPhone in the family) goes on a trip, we're out of data. Funny that. The pixel phone people (the other three of us, all different editions at this point) never even hit half of the other phone's data. Habits? Frugality? Genetics? Better Wifi discipline? 

Work stress has added a massive layer to it all. And I've been pretty good at shuffling it off and leaving it here, esp lately. This latest stuff is tenacious and part of the awake time last night i was remarking at how great the weekend was, and how all it took was half a day at the imaging factory dungeon and I was crumbling and just struggling.  AND THAT WAS ONLY MONDAY.

At least we have a long weekend. Again. Should be nice. 

Layers of anxiety about the kid and making it on the big team, so transitive? It is there because I care and want the best but also, so completely out of my control that it should make it better but kind of makes it worse.

New microscope, the grant everyone has been wanting for a while. The grant I was hoping wouldn't get funded. Big new microscope. Replaces the really old one (1983 but mid 70s model), adds huge new capacity, totally new paradigm, something the structural biologists have been wanting. It is big, and expensive (about 2 million list). I had thought (until yesterday) that it would take a while to build and deliver. Maybe this time next year. 

Nope.

They have one that can be delivered in September. I get freaked out just thinking about what we need to do to get ready for it, much less write it all down. Room reno, equipment relocation, MASSIVE friction there. 

And then there's like four other smaller but related and unrelated but major things on top. 

It is worse than usual but it is what it is. Amor Fati motherfuckers.

Huh, blew right past my 5 year anniversary of being sober. Didn't even notice.

The 11th was the anniversary of MLFN's death. I think it was 2009. Was thinking about that riding the creaking old Black Blue Norcross CX bike that is acting as a road bike this morning. I got that in 2009. 

Changes and shit.

Fuck.

This was good, had a minute to wait for a student for a meeting and watched this:

Good stuff. 

Gotta get a handle on this shit around me. Need to anchor and stabilize and hold on until the tide changes.

Just trying to keep my head above water till then.

Heddwch
G

okay it isn't great

 I had to jump out of the Rancid lane for a few minutes.

Clicked on the playlist starting with Sean Rowes "To Leave Something behind" Never a good plan for me, that song alone sends me off the deep end.. but then a song I haven't heard in a while...

No Hard Feelings.

Avett Brothers...

yeah... that one...

fuck

Then I thought lemme dig into this song a little deeper:
https://atticusreview.org/no-hard-feelings/

Maybe shouldn't have read that just now...

The rest of the playlist isn't helping so i suppose I should turn it off. take a walk around the block to reset.

take a walk in the smoky air.

I'm still here.

I wonder if I'll get to being able to process my own grief before I create grief for who ever is left to care about me when I finally take that last breath, will I be able to breath out one last breath with no hard feelings? 

I hope so.

Hug your loved ones.
G

playlist link...  for the hell of it

If the smoke clears

 I dunno folks...  shit's a bit... well... fucked

I have a kind of wave of emotions going on, ON TOP of everything from the last post.

Yesterday was good, other than the driving. 

Today? Kid raced, underperformed or everyone else is just better or something, they should have been much higher placed than they wound up, but then that's why you race. But they made it to the A/B finals and still have a chance of making the grand finals. So fingers crossed tomorrow is better.

Alright - back to dealing with way more than I can handle. 

If you're looking for me I might be hiding from it all under my desk.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

Fucking emotional

 the youngest graduating...

moments like driving away and having her realize we didn't get any photos of just her, and that's crushing because I feel responsible for not trying to make it happen or thinking about it we were all just flowing from one moment to another, group to group, but no moment of just her...

emotions...

Fuck, I cried in the car driving with her from the awards brunch to trader joes..

crying thinking about it again..

this is really really tough..

add the whole layer of emotions of never dealing with the grief from the passing of my father and I'm one word away from waterworks, constantly. every moment.

And while my mileage in May sucks, I at least managed 30 hrs on the bike and only 30 hrs in other ground transport. Not great on the first, okay with the second, esp since a lot of it was trains.

I don't know really... it was good laughing, distracting and I should have done a few other things instead of laughing my ass off. 

I got up super early yesterday to drive kid to her last practice on the Seekonk. last one. So many lasts. I didn't bring a jacket, had planned to take a film photo of them launching and then sitting in the car reading. Got out there and her coach offered a ride in the launch, L's bow seat offered me a sweatshirt to wear on the launch and well I put a lifejacket on (new RI rules) and freezed my ass off taking photos and videos of her last formal row on the river. I'm sure she'll be back on the water for events or other things, but today she gets on a plane to Florida to race Nationals, then comes back, is home for a day or two and then goes to National selection camp.

She's all grown up but still my little one, she's leaving and I'm an emotional wreck at the best of times and these aren't, for me. I'm not headed to florida, i'm hanging out, the oldest has a birthday this weekend so I'm hanging out here and dealing with work and kind of now hoping she makes the big team. 

I don't really know what to say, how to exercise this emotion out of my head. 

Struggling.

But...

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

sigh

heddwch
G

haven't laughed this hard in a while

 Thanks Stevil.

curious about what it says

 That I think this music video is just fucking masterfully filmed and choreographed?

Not quite enough time to day to start scanning early. Perhaps the 10am will be quick and I can make it up and start the process. This next roll is the first of the Seattle trip. 

Definitely weird head space lately. Emotionally too. I have to keep my shit together and also be as supportive and empathic and delicately encouraging in a way that is NOT easy for me, outside the job, the job is okay but it is mentally exhausting and THAT translates to physically exhausting no matter how you slice it or try to deny it. 

It is a lot.

But it is also the birthday of the one who wisely said (maybe before they turned 30, and at that point they were way wiser than I am now) "The choices you make" 

Happy Birthday Little Fury.

Heddwch
G

unexpected

I don't always watch movies mid week but sometimes we do and usually they get split up. Somehow I latched on to the accountant. We started it yesterday.

Finished tonight. And the instant Sean Lowe started singing I lost it. Subtly on the outside but very significantly on the inside. 

Nah didn't have much to do with the film, but maybe a little. More to do with the lyrics and listening to them, in refection about my dad. About life. Leaving something behind. 

The lyrics are just so good. I think so. You night think they are garage or trite or whatever. But to me. They've good some heavy meaning. That and I listen to it over and over. 

It's been a tough couple days. Today was ok, but it also wasn't great. I did get one roll scanned. Two to go. We'll see if I can get through them tomorrow, or at least one. Maybe start prepping a few to share. Goal is always to edit as little as possible, and while I'm not scanning them at the max pixel density, it's still nearly 100MB each. A bit large for social media. Plus I gotta get that white border around it.

Might need to print a few and mail them to the folks in the west. I'm not ready to set up the enlarger and get into the whole paper side of things.

It's a big weekend coming up. Constant reminder of the stress five years ago that drove me to my last and maybe biggest bender, longest one at least. I doubt I'd be alive today if I hadn't stopped drinking. Biggest odds would have been going the way Robin Williams or Anthony Bourdain... Next, almost that but unintentionally. I don't think about that much anyone. Part of not doing the what if game.. usually that's played with regrets and missed opportunities. It's easier not to what if the demonstratively very few good choices. And to think, it took sobering up to finally get a modern MTB. So glad I did 

I suppose, given how little coffee I've had today that I should go to sleep. The morning will be here soon and there's a hell of a lot to do tomorrow. Kind of hungry tho. But then I ate too much yesterday thinking I was going to do smackdown. 

Alright, be kind, do some good, be nice to people. You know. Don't be a dickhead.

Listen to Frank Turner.

And always sing along when you know the words.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch

G

missed it today

Smackdown that is. The smoke was insane mid-day, it was really bad, a concentrated pocket of bad air from the Canadian fires. 

I was also just not quite feeling it, tired? Mentally more than anything. Fighting a bit internally?

Finished King's Running Man. Absolutely fabulous, ridiculously indulgently good. 

Then in a moment of, let's totally wreck myself, I watched Enders game finally. Read the book a long time ago, the characters were nothing like they were in my head. And the ending is always tough, book or film.

Bonus of skipping smackdown was that instead of riding to get dinner finished before riding, I had time. So I watched. I def ate too much today but also... *Shrug*

I started the day with coffee then film developing. Three rolls. One that I finished the day I left. Last few frames walking around. Two that I shot in Seattle.

The processing for the Arista is great. I did the roll of Kentmere 400 and the emulsion doesn't seem to like the washing, too long maybe? Not sure. But now that it's dry it seems fine. Wondering if that's an Illford characteristic or that film specifically. Guess I should buy some HP5 to compare. I should load up the roll of JCH, take a walk while down at ship street tomorrow. And order the batteries for the new acquisition, the only other Leica not made by Leica. The one is the R3 I have that's now working, and this one is the other camera that Minolta made the CL. Based on the logos it was the first run. Based on the condition I don't think it was used much. Still has the original Varta 1.35V weird shaped battery. Unlike the battery for the Pentax, this one is still available, unlike the Pentax, this light meter circuit only works with 1.35V. 

I've built a massive pile of film links that are open on the phone. I need to do a link dump and purge. It's mostly photography stuff. But I'm digging it.

Had two really good back to back rides in the woods this weekend. Nothing to fast or hard, but good and fun and solid. On the shifty squishy bike both days too save the legs for today, needlessly. I realized I still ride the shifty bike like the singlespeed. Out of the saddle, lower cadence, infrequently shifting. 

Was cooking dinner, got thinking about me and cooking for the kids, and thinking about the recipe drift over time. What did the old stuff taste like compared to this?

Been thinking allot about death, and the finality, and all sorts of redacted stuff. Yeah, I backspaced quite a bit. IYKYK.

The air certainly has cleared up. Doesn't smell like fires any more. I guess I should have just gone to the ride. 

Too contemplative today, too mellow. A vacation day at home. Laundry, film developing, shopping trip for things I forgot to get this weekend, finished a book and watched a movie. Drank less coffee than usual. That stuff is getting expensive. Up $5/bag in 3 years. 

It's a pretty perfect evening. I should have gone out for smackdown, but I didn't. I'll pretend I'm ramping it up after the week off. Easing back into the intensity. Sounds plausible and deliberate, right?

Amor Fati Motherfuckers 

Heddwch

G

once again

Travel covered all the modes.

It was a hectic mess trying to get out though. Super hectic.

Left in a rush. Cut down the backpack contents even more at the office, still a bit full.

Ran/walked down the hill to the train, bought a ticket, walked down on to the train. It was fucking roasting hot in there and after the effort to get on I was sweating. Then Brent and his wife got on and we traveled together from the through security. Good chat and catch up with them on the train.

Trying to buy a Charlie Ticket was annoying. I should get the app or card or something maybe. Took four? tries.

Then the SL1 bus took forever to get there. And was absolutely packed with everyone waiting. Then traffic, of course. Security was a breeze. Shoes got left on, the guy on the one end was grumpy about me asking to hand screen 400 speed film but he handed it off and the guy doing the screening was cool and happy to do it.

Walked in opposite directions from Brent at that point and early. But the next train would have been too close.

Almost the last person to board the plane, row 15 middle seat, Brown student next to me really small guy on the aisle. It wasn't terrible. I was too tired to read my book, but couldn't sleep. Played in the phone for a while, then watched some TV with CC because I forgot to pack a set of 3.5mm headphones, then watched a movie that didn't have CC. And sometime around there the plane started getting really warm. That little air nozzle not doing much. And then we were so early we had to sit on the plane for 30-40 min waiting for our gate to open. Then a long trek to the arrivals pickup that was absolutely jammed full, then up to departures that wasn't and hopped in and headed here to my Sister's place.

Felt like I was sleeping in, birds going, light out, but no, wasn't that early but headache was starting and I needed coffee. So I got up, and am sitting outside about ready to go on and make cup number 3.

Was a crazy day. Now I'm here. I have a hitch to install on their Mach E at some point, and the nieces and my sister to hang out with whenever they wake up.

Going to be an interesting and I'm guessing emotional week. But I did pack the film camera and I'm hoping to get some shots of family at least.

Time for more coffee

Heddwch

G

Well now

 I have fallen off the writing wagon. Or if you want to be more trendy, my ASD is focused somewhere else and putting words down isn't a priority.

Flying tomorrow.

Trying to strike the balance between wanting to fly out there like Reacher and packing enough to not need to bother with anyone or laundry.

Camera? Def no computer but that means it is going to be really tough to try and read assignments and submit grades. Maybe I can borrow a computer for a few minutes. Book? To read? Maybe I have a pile of them but do I carry it? Is there room?

I think bringing the film camera is a thing, but totally waffling on bringing the 28 for landscapes or the 50 for people...  going to see people so maybe the 50. If I had the K3 Mark III with the 16-50 I wouldn't need to pick. But I don't yet. But I'm still now currently wondering if I just buy a second camera, color and monochrome. I think i might have mentioned that already. Paris and all. If that happens. It is just money right?

And then things blew up. As in where did the last two hours go? 

Time for smackdown. I know, I should go home but L and K are rowing and I'll get home just after or at the same time if I do smackdown and i'm facing a week off the bike so why not add some stress just before taking a 'break'

It'll be nuts but it'll hopefully be good and it will be worth it. In spite of all the important shit I'm going to miss.

All that hurry up and now it isn't time to leave yet. 

Well guess what.

I keep thinking back. Back to the heyday, when I had just enough responsibility but not too much. It was a phrase or a state of being someone coined back in the Forum days. We had time, but we also were productive and got shit done. And slowly. 

Slowly.

the creep...

responsibility creeps... obligations... at that point I thought it was more of a specific job description kind of label. Those with no responsibility were just doing the churning, washing dishes, cooking, wrenching, doing stuff that you had to be doing stuff, not supporting and fixing and managing and all that...oh well such is the way of life.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers!

heddwch
G

Reflecting and the week

 Cleaned my office a bit last night and today. Visitor is always a good motivation but then the visit sometimes means more to me than them. At least my office is clean now.

Taking photos, a few, here and there. Not as many as I'd like. I have too much film for as few photos as I'm taking.

Would love to travel with the camera but I need to go light, need to take a full on break from everything, even though the week will be as crazy as it can be. 

Packing everything in before leaving.

Not to mention so much more extra to deal with on top of it all.

This weird space, strange place.

A good place maybe. But not totally. 

May have international travel for the first time in decades (not counting Canada) and part of that has me wondering and hoping the new Pentax i ordered shows up before then, and then that has me wondering if I shouldn't just buy a color version and the other lens. 16-50 and a 50-300 with the PLM focus motor with a color back and a monochrome back? Kind of insane to think about doing that, esp since I'm not a pro photographer. 

At some point I meant to write up smackdown. It has been a bit of a shit show lately. Wasn't feeling terrible, and planned on just hanging in and surfing wheels. And did that for the most part. Then we rolled up on a crash from the A group. Wheels overlapped and someone wrecked some clothing and busted a helmet. 40 people were all packed on Pine, a narrow road with bad sightlines and nearly edge to edge. 

Things got sorted and the groups all took off. A group headed out, B group grew with folks who didn't want to have anything to do with the A group anymore and well pretty soon there were three evenly spaced groups, A, 'B' and then Justin me and a pile of people who weren't quite ready to go apeshit. We got up and Burke was dangling and Justin and another along with me looked back and started kind of waiting but the group started going faster and Justin and the other took off to jump in, I waited for Burke and then set a brutal pace and dragged him all the way back to the group, got there just before Rocky Hill, totally cracked. Breathing had just barely recorvered when we made the turn on to Rocky Hill and I got a little gapped there going up, Burke made the transition and I started riding solo. Again.

But I did, I could see them, some of them and I put my head down and just held a pace. Pushed it, hard. No one to draft, just me. Caught a straggler towards the end of Carpenter, caught Kelli and ? and Burke after the turn, and I paused for a minute, sat on burke's wheel and then went to the front to keep chasing, A car on perryville slowed the chase a little and we lost sight of them.

But i wasn't giving up and I kept it pegged...  Burke came around and gave me a breather until we made the right turn and I went by him there and dropped him before hillside and was alone passing milo headed to Jacob/Broad. made the right turn, saw a few up there, caught Ben from Ride July bikes, and kept pushing it, saw some blinky lights way up Prospect and just kept the hammer down.

For most of this I kept hearing Aimee and Kevin singing Jeff Buckley's Halleluiah at the show on Sunday night, and at one point, I kind of felt Mark, have been reflecting on loss, death, cancer, a student of mine is working on GBM research, an almost student put on a performance about TBI and death...

And at some point, it clicked again, but in a way that made more sense and gave me more energy. The way Mark literally rode every smackdown that spring, like each one was going to be his last, until the one that was, was, and like every other one he was on, he crushed it. And I pushed the pedals harder, kept the HR higher, found some weird new source of energy. 

A recognition that one ride, at some point, will me my last. I don't know how long I can hold on to it, but hoping I don't let go of it, not because it isn't true but becuase it is powerful and motivating. Relishing the slow relaxed rides, the woods, fast or slow, smackdown, with the group or alone chasing. 

It feels very fatalistic, and is I suppose but I now understand a bit more behind what drove him and his energy and joy in everything he did.  

I didn't quite catch the group, but I got to 152 before they left and just behind the stragglers that they dropped. I passed and dropped a handful of people chasing, worked harder than I had on the bike in a while and felt good.

On top of it all I actually slept pretty okay given how hard I worked. So that's a nice sign that I'm getting used to the load and can go hard. But kind of not sure what to do, goal race was 24HOGG again, but I guess that probably won't happen if I'm in Paris, but that's not certain yet. Maybe I should race a MTB even. Kind of still want a road bike but hey whatever the one i'm riding works. Maybe i just need some decent wheels that didn't come out of a garbage bin.

I was going to leave the office early today. 

It is still earlier than normal if I leave soon but no where near early enough. 

The weekend starts soon. Best get at it and home and start doing everything that needs to be done.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

that was awesome

Good spot, never gave it up, didn't move until the show ended. Danced in place. Got a pin from the Interrupters (everyone along the barrier).

Good plan to drive, free parking and the show didn't end until 11:10. Walked to the car, in the rain. Was home at 12:24. Saw the commuter rail along the highway just before PVD. Of I had taken the train I would have had to miss half of the FT set, and still would have gotten home even later.

And didn't have to talk to anyone, didn't have to accommodate our worry about them.

And the show was just absolutely fucking awesome.

So worth it.

So good.

I'm tired tho. 

Heddwch

G

going to a show alone

Just like last time. But now with a more legit parking spot not a resident permit spot.

Kid is going to try and sell the ticket I'm holding up the barrier at stage right. Being right in the front is great but the side without obstruction is pretty ok. Now to see if I can survive camped out here standing for the next few hours. 

Going to a show solo kind of sucks when it comes time to go to the bathroom, or get something to drink, but hey, I spent a week asking people, no dice. It's what it is. Just money and just me doing me things alone. 

At least I don't have to talk to anyone.

Funny thing is NU graduation is going on right now next door. We were all up here this time last year. Fortunately I got in before they let out. Surprised I found a parking spot.

Been a long day. Not sure I had enough food or water but I've got both in the car and of it really comes down to it there's stuff here.

I'm looking up kind of jealous at the chairs upstairs. Maybe I should have paid for a seat. Not that anyone sits down for these shows. Would have made the next hour more tolerable.

Well my phone's going to die before I get back to the car if I keep this up. Breast throw on extreme battery saver and go back to watching people.

Heddwch

G

friend list

 Call it the friend test for the list.

So, lets say you have an extra ticket for a concert... your wife absolutely does NOT want to go, the person you bought the ticket for (your oldest kid who didn't want you to go to the show alone and to see one of the opening bands agreed to go, then went to the other coast because the ticket was purchased in fucking december) is out of town.

I have two tickets to the Frank Tuner/Interrupters show at the MGM at Fenway on Sunday night. Tickets on the floor... and I'm not even sure who would want to go, no idea who to ask...

It is a pretty lonely feeling, but then if I come up with a name my brain starts planning for the worst thinking this is going to be too late notice and they already have plans or don't want to see these guys.

some shouty english quazi folk/punk/rock guy with fans who know all the words to his songs, and one of the hottest post punk/ska (4th wave?) bands, fans also know all the words to the songs... 

On a Sunday night in boston. Would be great to take the commuter rail up but show probably goes too late to catch a train back to PVD (I've looked, schedule is super tight and might have to leave early and don't want to do that)...

I figured if I try to write it out on 'paper' maybe I'll be more of a don't give a shit and just ask...  maybe i should just blast if on IG... IDK

Rode the SSMTB on Friday morning (left lever is oily, i think one of the seals somehow got messed up, no idea) weather was awesome but I was tired. Saturday alone with the dog so I left later after watching L race live out in Saratoga and went to the shop, did some stuff, but not enough. Too fucking tired. Mentally and physcially. Sunday rained so I just watched L race and then went shopping.

May is lining up to be a mess esp with the trip to Seattle, and everything everyone needs me to do. at least the bulk of the course is done and it is just the students doing the talking/presentations now.

Need to make some coffee... 

Oh hey, anyone somewhere between here and Boston want to go to the show? I'll drive.

heddwch

G

found something

 Well... i dunno if I found it. 

But lets walk back to last tuesday. Took the old Concor off, a 90s vintage one, taped up nose, worn out corners, stuff just wearing out. Taylor gave me a bag of old ones and in there was a cool black and while logo Concor. Looks good on the Black and white Blue that I've been riding as a road bike.

Swapped it. Straight up just took the old one off, put the new one on.

Road it all week like that. Back felt kind of weird at the end of the week.

Check the saddle height. I thought pretty carefully, read the tape correctly, looks like it was 5mm high. So I rode to work yesterday, then dropped it at work (was running late, forgot about an service engineer's planned visit - he was a no show - other emergency system visit for a down tool, ours was working so lower priority, fine, not a bit deal). 

Rode home and I haven't slept so poorly in ages. My glute on both sides was fucked up and in pain. Almsot got up and stretched and rolled in the middle of the night but I was too tired. Did that in the morning and it helped. Then really got in and close. Checked a few bikes. 

I fucked it up somehow. Needed to drop it another 10cm. So it turns out this Concor is 15 mm taller than the old one. 

Funny that a full 15 mm didn't really cause any issue, or mostly just a minor one. But going to 10 mm high cause MASSIVE pain (after the fact). 

But now I think i managed to acutally measure it properly and get it right and it feels right, low but right, and it is still a couple MM taller than the MTB, but that has a dropper and is much more dynamic, but also is the 24hr seat height so maybe I need to go even lower? 

It seems there's more forgiveness with the drop bars than the flat bars in terms of angle (makes sense with all the different hand positions), but got me wondering if there's an exclusion zone of sorts in the middle. It is okay above a certain point and below a certain point. The odd thing is above usually causes knee issues, but my knees have been better than ever so maybe another week at the high mark might have started to cause problems.

oh and when i dropped it yesterday it didn't want to move, at all. Not good. Took it out this morning, scrapped a bunch of aluminum oxide off the post, put some grease on it and in the seat tube and put it back together.

Remember folks. Annually remove you seatposts from the bike and put more grease in there. Esp carbon posts and frames. There can be so much friction in the carbon that the resin melts and basically glues itself together. AKA you're never getting it out. 

ANYway. I managed to catch up on some of the sleep deficit this weekend... only to slip back in the hole last night. We'll see how smackdown goes tonight.

heddwch
G

Coming up on 5 years

 Thinking about that quite a bit lately. Timmy Jackson just hit his nine year anniversary, Brad is on his all of them as in straight edge for life anniversary, PTC aka Pastry just had his 40th anniversary on the day he turned 40. So me being almost 5 years in, no big deal. But in some ways it is a big deal. My dad went from 1978 or 9 until he passed, that's a really long time. He had a more catastrophic incident around his 40th birthday I suppose. Looking back, 10 years ago could have been that for me, but somehow when he turned his rage outward, I turned mine inward. And then stopping didn't change anything. But it also changed everything, for both of us. Me in much less dramatic fashion. 

Wrapped up in all that is just the fatigue of everything. Carrying a lot of weight. Stuff that's visible is too much, the stuff no one can see is a pretty manageable burden alone, but when I'm so far beyond it becomes pretty heavy. 

Today was interesting. Mostly because of yesterday and last week and fuck the last whenever. 

Long week, recovering from being sick, not sleeping well then just as I was getting caught up on sleep E picked up on this virus and started having disrupted sleep and then the weather has been weird and I haven't had a good night sleep since wed. the only one? Sleep is important. But hey at least I'm not falling asleep terrified I'm not going to wake up. Although, gotta wonder this is one hell of a mess I've left for everyone if I don't. Yikes. Better start working on that. Weird way to get your shit together isn't it? I'll get right on it with my next free moment.

So plan was bike shop on saturday, but we also planned to ride early. I was thinking it would be a short 5-10 miler, just to get out there.

at the 10 mile mark i thought about heading back to the car but kept at it. It was good. I had no snap, my legs were low on glycogen i think, and the fatigue was very much there, noticed by the HR numbers, down. On the singlespeed I should get close to the max, but i was at least 10beats lower based on the effort and no sign of going up to where it could go. Check, fatigue. The lack of snap, fuel. I knew from the day and dinner it would be a close call for fueling but just wasn't hungry or couldn't find anything i wanted to eat and well...  it is what it was.

THEN i got in the car, and headed to the shop. built a token couple bikes, i was out of it. tired. it was kind of commical how bad it was. So bad in fact i had no idea where I put the car keys when I got there. Went to leave and no keys. tossed the place. dug through the dumpster looking for the trash I threw away when I walked into the shop, found it but no keys, went through my backpack three times. Scoured the whole shop, everywhere that I was, anywhere I could have put them down, asked if anyone had picked them up in the lot. No where. Went back and looked through the bag a fourth time, carefully spreading all the stuff inside aroudn the inside of the car. Last pocket, a pocket i never use, a side one, for bottles or coffee mugs when traveling. there they were. Like no idea how they got there, when I put them there or why. I know I'm getting old but this is like a black hole of a normally pretty indelible memory (still).

Fatigue is a motherfucker.

Made it home, realized there was a lot of coffee left and so yeah also low on coffee for the day. Watched a bad heist movie with terrible improbilities at the end, made pasta, ate, tried to sleep, poorly. And then the low coffee meant good morning earlier with low dull potential of headache lingering and, well, guess I was up and drinking coffee early. 

Instead of riding (it looked so good after the rains, temp was perfect) but still tired, so I went to help do some much needed maintenance on the East Bay Rowing sculling equipment. should be quick. 3 hours later and a really good sunburn. Time to come home and do the super fast shopping for the week and get to the train station in time. I think I missed a few things but whatever.

made dinner and 

now, afraid to go to bed now because i'm not going to fall asleep, not looking forward to E getting up at 3:30 to drive to boston to volunteer at the big race. 

And then there's class tomorrow and no. break. in. sight. Some how I have to find two days before the end of the month to take off. NO CLUE how the fuck that's going to happen.

Not to mention everyone seems to have gone to the mix tape. except me and Jason B. Is there anyone I don't know on that start list? I mean of course but seems like everyone was there. And I had no desire to ride it. I don't get it. I mean people are having fun but it doesn't look fun to me. Gravel rides like that? I dunno. Gimme the RdR RRRR, Greasy Joe's stuff, small group of friends/a team, a route, figure the shit out adventure have fun. Not a big curated circus. But then things like this have been really popular for a while and I've just never done any of them. And as much as it would be great to see all those people i know, it feels wrong to call them friends, in my definition, kind of sad but the list of people i'd call a friend is really really small. But of course that's probably because I'm much more autistic than anyone ever recognized (even me). And, yeah, if I'm going to load a bike up in the car it'll be the MTB, either one, and I'm going to go ride trails, hopefully with a few others, but worst case just by myself. 24HOGG is supposed to be a big social party, it is pretty much me, being alone with everyone else and that's kind of okay. 

I wonder what it would be like not to be so completely destroyed all the time.

What is it like having balance, rest, harmony? I know most of the people that seem like they have it don't and appearances are just that a surface skim, hiding who knows what.

10 years ago I was chasing a kid in a fluor green jacket up Rocky Hill a couple weeks in a row. 

I hope I can rest up enough to make it out to Smackdown on Tuesday. Would hate to bag it two weeks in a row, but also, no point showing up in shitty form when rest would be the smarter choice.

I really actually had somewhere else I was going with this. 

Not so much a point but there's something missing and I don't know what it is.

maybe I'll think of it tonight

Amor Fati Motherfuckers also #beepbeepmotherfucker

heddwch
G

what was I saying about being happy with my 1965 Pentax?

 Last couple days I've been trying to decide what film to buy next.

Lots of options, what ISO... I dunno... 

and then last night I saw all this press:
https://us.ricoh-imaging.com/product/pentax-k-3-mark-iii-monochrome/

Sturdy, weather sealed, waterproofed, ergonomics, big viewfinder

smaller sensor than the Leica but it still has plenty of pixels

but most importantly no bayer mask... and lower price point than the new M11m or Q2m or a used M10 or previous versions from the red dot.

that 16-85 or 16-50 lens? Kind of sounds perfect

It is interesting, hearing all the same things said about the monochrome sensor, but now w/o the Leica price or ease of dismissal.

That one Leica guy who does all this black and white on a color chip, i still think his images suffer from it, esp when you listen to these three talk about it and use it. Maybe because these three are color photographers, pros, they make a living, based on the car a comfortable living and they have very specific and clear reasons why monochrome is different.

Of course analog is also different, and with the 16-50 lens or 16-85 lens it is still a few thousand dollars, and that buys a lot of film and chemicals. But it also would be a big shift from manual focus and developing film. 

increased sensitivity means being able to push the fstop wide open much longer, and virtually eliminates photon limitation of film.

But still preserves the beauty of the process.

Sure, color is more difficult, but also so different it is work to switch between the two, being a good color photographer doesn't make you a good black and white photographer and just applying an action to make it black and white doesn't make for a great photo.

my cousin had a family portrait session, i'm not sure who make the clothing selection or the location selection but i saw the black and white shot first and thought it was odd looking, then saw the color, even weirder. 

I got sick for real last week. Not covid, well, i tested negative and the symptoms are more RSV/Rhinovirus than Sars-Cov2, or influenza. But it still knocked me down for the weekend and now two others in the house finally seem to have gotten it. I'm 90% better, small residual stuffiness but okay. Hopefully able to ride this weekend.

Also have been just ramping things up and up and up. Dramatic drop in social media time and the odd spare moments i've been working in photoshop or other aspects of the film project.

Still have to decide what film to get, maybe this is the sign to move to JCH stuff just for the hell of it. But lemme say, as quickly as using the film quenched the flames of desire for a Leica monochrome, this latest announcement from Pentax/Ricoh has dumped some gasoline on it. Part of it might be the increasing use of the SLR. That process, the viewfinder... all that. A phone is just an automatic range finder without a view finder in many ways. I like this SLR process to be honest.

But who knows, I should get a road bike before a camera, but flying with film is cumbersome and tedious and x-rays and scanners are sometimes not friendly to the emulsion and digital cloud backups can happen anywhere.

Life is short, what's your passion, and why does it matter to fully chase it? Or does it matter? Is chasing it a pure position of privilege? Or one of escape?

Who knows. I had planned to go to ship street right after lunch, then go home. Got part way through this, and with a handful of other stuff, made it back up here after all. And still, there's a possibility of heading home sooner than later.

Okay commence video link dump.
have a great weekend and sorry for being erratic and eccentric and just fucking weird

Heddwch
G

And this one so...  Hey

Also, aren't Embargos amazing? Such coorindated launch of media

(it also shoots video)

been crazy

 like extra extra EXTRA

at least I had a really good smackdown ride before all the wheels fell off and I crashed and burned.

feels like a relapse of january but different. about 2am I started getting a fuckton of stuff in my throat,  not my nose. No fever, just thickness and junk. Negative rapid so it is something else. Really had hoped I'd have been able to muscle through. But yeah that didn't work.

Plans to take today off failed, had to get up early and rush through the morning, then absolute non-stop endless stuff until 5. then rode home, fortunately there was a tailwind, not sure I'd have managed to push through with a headwind. 

Planned to head to gansett, then over to see steve's opening in westerly, and then planned to go back to gansett tomorrow but i think that's off the table, I need to rest. maybe just watch some TV, eat all the food and attempt to recover.

before the insanity starts again bright and early on Monday.

Kind of thinking of loading up the last roll in the Pentax with the 85mm lens for Easter. Photos of everyone, fuck it - who better to subject to the torture of photographing them than family? The photos I shot at Dirt Church are pretty okay IMHO, really digging the octagon shape the light flair takes on.

I DL'd it from FB to post here:

Figuring this whole photo thing out all over again. But different this time. very. different.

okay now i'm going to try and sleep and hope to rest, may the extended release mucus stuff work to help me sleep tonight.

heddwch
G