remaking the GeWilli continues

So yes, I've alluded to it, this year is going to be different.

Hit the point where things need to change.  How? In lots of ways.

For the most part 2014 has been completely different, different focus, different motivation focusing on being positive. Actively trying to eschew the negative. Sounds dumb and bugs the hell out of me but a big focus is on glass half full.

The glass still has water in it. Not empty. Sure it is only half full. But some of you saw me in Bend 2009, when did a half full glass stop me? Yeah. It didn't.

So I'm going with cautious optimism. Focusing on the positive.

It doesn't always work as I found out today. But you know what. I have actually found a happy place. Seems weird. But yeah. I've kind of maybe figured that out.

I'm still terrible at dealing with making plans and having forces out of my control change them and destroy my mood but maybe that will change over time.  Only a few weeks into this new paradigm.

I headed into the city today on the bike.

And felt like a kid.

With an idol.

I had just finished watching the Leuven race. Was awesome. I get on the bike, J hop the granite curb, and just power through the sand, over on to the path and had this awesomeness wash over me. I was riding inspired by my heros.

WTF. How does some 42 year old guy have a hero? I dunno. Have you actually watched the CX pros race? Tommy and Kevin and Sven CRUSHED the course and made the race awesome. As I rode in it was pure bliss on the bike.  I was riding a CX bike feeling like the world champ.

For serious.

But then things change, plans put in place, stuff i really needed, like can't explain how much I needed. Figured I had communicated how much I needed it but well I guess not. Changed and mess up the day.
I got what I needed to get done done though.

Barely got home before the sun set. Which was good because I had taken the lights off the bike when I left this morning figuring I'd be home by Lunch. Yeah, not so much.

Point... of post.


Remaking GeWilli


I'm never going to be able to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, never. That is part of my core, part of what i am. But what can I remake? I can shed the darkness, focus on the positive. Focus on the support of friends who have a hugely positive influence. So I can be a positive influence.

I'm a rather visible part of cyclocross in New England.

I identify as cyclocross. I've been racing in NECX for a f'n long time. Been racing CX since 1997.  It is my happy place. What can I do to be a positive influence.  What can I do to be positive and supportive of the tiny little Niche I love that feeds my passion. Not sure exactly. But fucking hell I need to figure this shit out. I'm tired of being the grumpy sad emotional curmudgeonly one. I'm okay with being a curmudgeon, but only in person, when you can see my smirk and the humorous twinkle in my eye.

So, actively seek out the support of positive friends, that's first.
Second?
Twitter. Unfuckinglocked mother fuckers.

No more private shit. nearly 25k tweets? yeah it is about time to go public.

Lots of reasons. We'll see how this goes. All I can hope going forward that I can keep focusing on the positive, move on from the negative.

Everything has to be re-evaluated. Everything. Top to bottom.  And you know that I'm the big freak in the orange suit. There's a ton of acreage to be covered and detailed.

No time better than now.

Life is an experiment.

Lets see where this leads. I've got some hope. Like I said, not easy, but focusing on the positive.

It started with lots of little things focused on me. I really do wish people would listen when I ask when I need something, that's sort of part of it. Tired of being selfless all of the time, but part of being me is not being able to ask and articulate what it is I really need. You'd figure someone at this point in their life might be better at articulating what they need. But I'm not. I spend all my time making sure everyone else is being taken care of, even if that is just my immediate family. Taking care of me? Has been for ever, on my shoulders. Probably always will. But I may actually start to figure out how to ask for help when I need it. Down side to that? When I ask and sort of depend on it, and it winds up nothing like I had asked or needed, well tends to derail everything. Back to 2013.

Too open? Maybe not. Cryptic? Probably. But here's the deal, I need to change that too. Slowly maybe I can find enough self confidence, self esteem, happiness, joy, positive energy that when that happens I'm not wrapped in a cloud of darkness.

Baby steps. Work on the foundation. Let the scars and the scabs heal. build it solidly. focus forward.

Heck even re-doing my pedal stroke is a big part of it. Knees over the pedals instead of brushing the top tube. Focusing on things I can change for the better.

Kind of a long way to announce unlocking a twitter account, no?

fod yn rhyfeddol
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