again...

no smackdown for me...

why?

Klein has paper thin tires on there, front brake is useless (carbon rim and old glazed carbon pads = no stop) Flatted the last time i rode that bike and yeah has a significant cut in the tread, and I have no other road tires that fit it.

Plan was to get the black blue back up and running.

Well. It was a great plan, when I thought it was just the bearings that were shot.

Took em out yesterday, one side felt pretty shitty, the other oddly smooth, even pressed into the BB shell.

But there was play that wasn't there before.

on both sides.

New bearings, test ride, smoooth. torqued down to max spec, rode home....  not a mile later...  WTF is that i'm feeling...

shit...

left arm (on the SRAM Red that I have the spindle is bonded to the drive side, non-drive bolts on at 54nm)...

wiggly

fuck

get home...  pull out my 10mm...  i can't tighten it anymore...

Still like that.

Granted this shit is old. Has seen a good dozen BB bearing changes, but goddamnit...  N-1 right now.

So lacking the resolve and will and mostly fear of confirming that i'm really actually n-1 even if i am not, i rode the Orange SSCX in to the shop...  got to work, put shit together...  4pm meeting turned to 5pm mid-day...  just before I left but before I'd had a chance to swap the drive train that I ordered for that bike... 5pm moved to 6...  TIME TO CHANGE DRIVE TRAIN! SWEET

Took EVERYTHING OFF! Chain, single speed freewheel, chain ring....

went to put chainring on...  i ordered a 110/130, cheap, wanted to try that tooth number....  holy motherfucking are you fucking kidding me? FOR FUCKS SAKE MOTHERFUCKERS! DAMNIT

94 FUCKING BCD ON THESE FUCKING CRANKS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

OF FUCKING COURSE...

even EP....  more old shit than any other shop in the NBX corp....  had ZIP ZERO NADA! NOTHING!  I did find a biopace 52T NOS BCD and a 54t 110 BCD SR ring...  ANYTHING in the 94 BCD? nope.

Well shit...

So yeah, I put the worn chainring back on...  what the fuck else am I supposed to do, but new chain and new freewheel...  almost smooth, way the fuck smoother than before...

Looked at new bikes...  Raleigh has a sweet SSCX bike...  58cm (too small) expected in stock at the end of august, zero info on the one that would fit me...  Trek has a few Cronus with the stranglehold SSCX drop out that Sven raced in PDX, but the built bikes are all Sram and not SSCX... and the frameset is cheapish but the parts kit is formidable.

Part of me is loving keeping this old shit working...  source of pride, badge of mechanic's honor.

Watching a video clip of a Colonial? Bike racer dude winning the crit on a new Madone I just spend hours on line learning about at Trek U.... just underscored the divide....  I can't buy that kind of speed. I don't have the talent or the ability or time or  passion [any more] or discipline (last one/two most key i suppose) and shit, i get it.

but i'm getting to be okay with it...

if it means, not racing much/at all? Well shit, that's a lot less gas money, entry fees and all that. I don't talk to anyone the rest of the year, does it matter then? No. Esp not lately with the year round party and crossover between road and mtn...

patience.... time...

gotta figure shit out...

also I checked...  the orange jumpsuit is washed (still looks dirty, don't worry) and the seat/crotch is pretty damn thin, one more CX race wearing it and it could be gone, hell maybe even a pre-ride would kill it...

What am I good at?

Turning wrenches.

teaching microscopes...

i'd put taking pictures next but i'm not getting paid enough to call it pro level...  but also I realize I don't completely suck at that either...  definitely would say I'm a better photog than bike racer.

Directional crisis? Maybe...

I'm sailing in the dark, in the middle of the ocean...  tradewinds are blowing, I can't see the stars, no idea if I'm on course...  the night is long and the days are sunless and cloud most of the time, no chance for getting a good sight, but the vessel is seaworthy and is making steerage but not much more than that...

And you know what?

can't really ask for much more than that.

CX? yeah it is me, defines me, but does racing? I dunno...  growing divide...  the unbridgeable gap...  distance, time...  it is more rewarding being there in the pits for someone who just misses their UCI point than it is for me to be trying and failing to stay on the lead lap against professional masters like Myerson and McCormack. No disrespect meant to either of those guys, legit, they are hats off deserving of it all. Talent or hard work or perseverance plus passion or whatever combination it is...  I was in the pits changing wheels for the Saturn 100 in East Lansing. Frank and Mark came out (duh it was the late 90s) crit, fast... the two of them lapped the field in i dunno, 25 laps or less, then hung out. Mark won.

I was in neutral service....  changing a few wheels and giving people pushes off...

Why talk about this now?

Dunno...  mostly because I'm still struggling with wondering if it is even worth registering for another race...  what's the point? My SSCX weighs easily 2x as much as 90% of the field. 3x as much as 10% of the field...  What's the point of signing up to ride around and take beer feeds....  use the reg money to buy beer and ride around here.

Mojo...

burn out?

maybe...

keep coming back to Mike F's line in Pure Sweet Hell...

that's the hook...

the triple barbed one...

cutting the line doesn't remove the hook, but maybe wrenching will make the hook like a patch on the suit and something that is a piercing instead of a reminder of something else....

TOO DEEP?

WELL FUCK WHAT ELSE AM I GONNA TALK ABOUT...

also...  twitter weirds me out now...  realizing that it is some circle jerk safe space of people you're following who are doing way cooler shit than you, and and and whatever...  stopped checking there....

and FB keeps telling me "you haven't updated your status in X (5 now?) weeks" yeah well I keep posting smackdown stuff...  me updates? Meh.

But it makes for more lonely life, but then I get reminders that what I do reaches people, lots of people...  and helps them.. Not trying to be a martyr, but somehow my stupid brain needs to be reprogramed to build confidence and self worth in that endeavor...  IE renewable source of battery recharging that will keep me insulated from emotional shutdowns like your phone when you don't plug it in.

Weird day. But vacation day from picture factory (shit is gonna ramp up fast and hard soon... wait - the next 10 days are looking insane already happening)....

Brothers were supposedly flying out to CO today...  haven't talked to them in weeks...  left Dad a VM sunday... never got through....  looking at phone hadn't talked in a long while...

But then he does always remind me that it is a two way street...  reaching out works both ways...

only seems that when I don't reach no one else reaches back...  so my personal perspective is one that is very complicated and not very confidence building...

but it is also now late...

and while I rail against sugar, I do imbibe a beer or twenty...  but then I don't drink before I'm home for the evening so...   at least no insulin spikes during the day from the sugars...

but that's referencing stuff about people that I shouldn't care about

am I ok?

yes...  just a little totally fucking frustrated with my bike shit but then on the other hand who the fuck has 180mm 73mm BB cranks around? Guess I hit ebay at somepoint...  like bikes that fit me... unobtanium...

wish there was more of a realizable benefit  that everyone says about being tall to go along with the challenges it poses for finding bike shit that works...

oh well...

things are good, shit's okay...

one foot and all that

And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up

heddwch
G