One year ago today

This guy took his life.

I woke up to the news with my last hangover.

The thought process was complicated, but it really was the fact that I could see this as my path if I kept up with the drinking. Other reasons but it was a sign. It made it all clear. It was the fork in the road.

Steve posted some very eloquent words on his IG. I'll link later.

How did I make it to far? Up to last year that is. This past year was easy compared to any other year since.. well fuck, that's depressing.

Some how I did.

The stupid shit is burned into my memories. Can I go back? Nope.

Here I am. Physically more stable and less injured than I can remember. Unfortunately being old means it takes a bit longer to recovery from really intense efforts. But the not drinking has been amazing.

I don't miss it. It didn't really do anything to help, or to escape, it did do some stuff but even though I don't miss it, I know I can't go back. More importantly, I can't.

Bourdain was never the obsession or person of significance, I never watched his shows, I needed read his books, but I was aware of him, who he was, and understood what he was.

And his passing added to the resolve that morning. Hung over, drinking coffee, wondering how after 2 months off of booze I had roared back drinking even more than I was when I stopped then. And I stopped then because of how much. And. No. One. Knew. Ok maybe my brothers.

It is strange, makes me not only socially awkward but also socially estranged.

But that's ok, I'm ok being even more alone. I may not like it, but it is me. Alone.

But here, and doing my best for those around me.

Heddwch
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