Shitty times right now

Yesterday I spent avoiding direct following of events. However I did have the TV on for a few minutes after hooking up the router to see how much better the internet worked on it (answer insanely better) but broadcast TV was there and so was the hearing.

I avoided most everything...  but more out of life keeping me busy than anything else. I was not in one place for long. I was on the bike, I was fixing microscopes I was meeting with installers and building bikes.

Did we know this was coming? Yes. 100% absolutely no question. Was it going to be this bad? Many said no, it won't be any different. Some still say that. There's no difference in the parties. They are all still corporate shills and until we move away from that none of this matters.

Except they are wrong. The democrats are just spineless fuckwards with too much respect and decency to pull the same shit the republicans are but that's what the GOP is exploiting to the fullest. The repugnicans don't give a shit about anything but power and this seat on the Supreme court. This is their hail mary, their swan song, their ultimate goal. They are literally power hungry frat boys who can't be told they are wrong.

I'm a white dude, privileged without the privilege, confusing i suppose. Never included in the groups that the assholes getting headlines grew up in. High school, yeah I knew about them. Knew who they were, didn't know what they were doing. Got a better glimpse of it in college, the assholes on the crew team talked about what they did to their girlfriends when I was around sometimes, but mostly they stopped or changed the subject if i happened to get with earshot. Why? I was different. Always was. an often unhinged ball of rage. Plenty of incidents of that growing up with the same group of classmates. I'm still prone to that but very well controlled most of the time now. But that's probably an element of why I was excluded, that and I never had any money or any sort of status beyond being almost as smart as the genius kids, almost as talented as the artist kids, almost as good of an actor as the best in the school, almost as good as the best violinists. But always too shy and emotionally frustrated. The culture I grew up in (the 80s) spoke of all this fun stiff you could do, parties, girls, sex, drinking, drugs...  yeah nothing. I found the drinking eventually but not till college. High school was fucking bad for me. But worse for others. At least I made it through it.

My siblings all ran in vastly more popular social circles than I did. Maybe not huge and for the most part not in the frat boy asshole ones, because, well, they aren't. Once I think maybe it was home from college, my sister was talking with a friend about one of the other musicians, they described him as one of those creepy quiet guys who just stares at people. That's what I remember but the context was more involved and it felt like they were talking about me. Yeah, I was quiet, unconfident, jealous of the boisterous assholes who could talk to girls, so I just watched. I wasn't staring but watching and staring are tough to distinguish.

Another thing, I grew up not in a pack of girl hungry boys. My closest friend in HS, well he never showed any interest in girls, and he is quietly completely gay now. College, pretty much the same freshman year. I don't think i've mentioned that to many if anyone before, maybe I wrote it here super wasted once (I'm definitely feeling good about being the not drinking version of me - it is good). But those circumstances definitely impacted what I did and how I grew up in those developmental years.

I've been distracted by reading, researching i suppose, following up on threads. Finding a tweet to embed and share here. Maybe the story in VOX about sixteen candles, but then maybe not, leaving it here as my own rambling for now.

But that sort of helps to set the stage for who i was, and how I got to where I am now.

I didn't tweet yesterday about the hearings, I didn't post about it. I did say something about trying to get through the internet but it was too painful, to raw, and absolutely nothing surprised me or shocked me or was new. But it all was overwhelming, overloading. I need to be able to function for my kids, for my family, for my jobs. I can't curl up in a ball and hide. I've also found that while rage tweeting constantly, or facebooking or all that, isn't going to change the politics in Washington. Adding my voice to the noise, while maybe seen as supporting to the rest of the rage tweeters/facebookers, and don't get me wrong I 100% support all of them...  what do I say to support? Nothing seems easiest. If I say anything I'm going to get attacked for not saying enough, or saying the wrong thing or saying something that could be interpreted as wrong. So. I stayed very busy. And tried to be functional. But I gave in and did say something. I deleted it of course. I did try to read a book to distract myself, but it didn't work.

And I still slept like shit thinking about it all. And now I'm late because i'm writing and thinking more about it. And really doing very little good even at trying to write to get my thoughts in order.

The hearing. If it would have done any good or impacted the outcome in any way I would have watched it. As a rule I don't watch news, I vote. I function and direct what I can locally, and try to live in a way that stays true to moving forward. I hope that things can change. And those who said it doesn't matter who you vote for. Fuck. You.

It matters. Yesterday was case in point. And maybe that's what I can say. Or need to say.

Either way it is too late for that and, shit, I really hope this shit gets sorted out before the horrible bratty asshole nominated gets put on the bench.

okay - now i go do work...  pissed off and still unsure if i should say something and if i do what...

stay strong out there - don't burn out yet, this is a long fight, a long game, it may take our children to fix this fucking mess and we have to be there for them.

heddwch
G

And after all that I went and did post to twitter and Facebook...  this:

and what happens? 
"I'm absolutely completely disturbed by the news. wishing i knew what to say, how to support those who need it, deserve it and didn't get it when they most desperately did.

Thank you to everyone who is pouring every ounce of rage into the disaster that is the republican party's dehumanizing women right now. Thank you for fighting this battle.

To those on the sidelines or who didn't vote in 2016 or voted 3rd party: Sure you may have thought it doesn't matter who you voted for back when you had to choose between a lesser of two evils, but you are probably a white guy that also doesn't really care about women's rights.

That 2016 election was 100% about women's rights. And you said that they don't matter."

two people i know from TDI world pop in with their MAGA bullshit...  debating deleting their comments or not...

Ouch...

No crash but it was a pretty damn intense morning on the bike. Finally? Not specific anything training but riding single speed with a couple guys on geared bikes AND being late and having to spin my ass off to get there just as Burke and Green were rolling away from 7 stars was a good way to start the ride.

Also did the ride, unintentionally, on zero calories. Hell I didn't even have any significant carb foods the night before. Dinner was salad and some chicken. I guess there were a few in the garbanzo beans in the salad. But the point, i was one in a fasted state, and running on purely stored stuff. I was hungry, empty stomach was pretty grumpy but I kept dumping little bits of the second coffee in there from my water bottle and it was good.

No it is decidedly proven that CX is a glycogen demanding activity and that no it isn't the best to do full Keto style. BUT like training for anything best to keep that as a backup. Or a baseline. Also helps activate fat burning and i am fat(er than I want to be). But also since the first race my skinny pants are fitting more easily than in august. Marginal gains or something.

It was wet but I got dirtier at Midnight Ride than today. Did flop the bike into the water, burke went swimming and we were all half way to the knees in water at one point or another.

Felt good.

Came home, made more coffee, hooked up the new router (the old one had been dying, it is now replaced!) Added a bit more penetrant to the plugs on the van, started some laundry.

All on my day off. Well I was going to lose 2 vacation days, now I'm just going to lose one after today. But then I still went to work anyway. But only for a couple hours, then stopped in to say hey to my brother and Vinny. Vinny said if i busted anything and needed tools I didn't have to give them a call when it comes time to do the van. And JW said he'll be in the area and could be back up this weekend if needed. Not sure I'll get to it this weekend. But I probably should. Fuck too much to do. Okay - nope - i have to drive early Saturday (hot engine - tight engine - fuck no not trying it then) Sunday have to be able to take Kid 1 (coming home from college this weekend) back to the train station with her stuff while other car is up at the Textile river regatta. Maybe next weekend will work. I'll have both cars and only one driver. Would be a good time for that. Not sure how it fits with racing bikes.  Sunday is probably a def nope given this weekend's regatta schedule. That shit is like ALL FUCKING DAY! Oh well, I'll bring a book, maybe make it to Bosscross so as not to totally lose the whole weekend.

Life is complicated. Yesterday i was freaking out about the van, so much so that i figured maybe i should just have someone else change them.

But.

I'm a pretty fucking good mechanic, I understand the shit. I'm not an engineer and won't try to design or calculate shit, but I know how stuff works, understand materials to a pretty complex degree. I know from watching someone heat the shit out of a stuck plug and not be able to get it out with an easy out that he made the aluminum head expand and hold the plug in tighter. But hey, I also haven't done this before and that has me cautious, and anxious.

So we'll see. how this goes.

man that was all over the place...

or normal for me i guess...

Tons to do, racing will happen when it happens and I can't force it too much, gotta be zen, gotta be water flowing over and around the stones in the river. Flow and move and bend and continue on....  adjust to the obstacles

and now eat...  i am freaking super hungry, I guess body is saying 'HEY DUMBASS I NEED STUFF" Not eating much lunch and then not eating the rest of lunch until 4:30 maybe wasn't the best idea. Oh well...

heddwch
G

Hey cx Nationals Registration JUST opened

Got an email telling me so: https://legacy.usacycling.org/2018/cx-nationals

but yeah I'm not going to be there.

It was a great weekend of racing, poop water and constant pedaling and not enough recovery for the HR to drop down much and then sand and running and HOLY CRAP THIS IS HARD but so much fun stuff yesterday on the cape.

Race reports still feel odd, maybe i'll write one for the next one.

Figuring out what the next one is actually is a bit more challenging than I had imagined. Or I knew it was going to be this challenging and I've put it off until now.

I just went through the NEBRA.us calendar and BikeReg and Maps to figure out when where and how far everything is.

But there are two big weekends on the calendar that it is just me and the kid - the weekend of Oct 6 & 7 and Nov 3 & 4. That covers 4 of the Zanc SSCX races. The first two being pretty damn close, the next ones not so much but also going up against really rad on the cape.

Other options? well I could head up the Night Weasels, put gears on the bike I guess. Could try BossCross maybe.

And then Gloucester. I don't feel any better about the decision to race the 40+ event than I did then. Maybe the 3 is the way to go? I'm slow right now, but I'm having fun racing. Kind of just want to keep it singlespeed and have fun. But Night Weasels ain't not single speed race and Fruitlands isn't either.

What's left? What other options? makes it feel strange and kind of isolated for the NoHo event too. Slow and old cat 3 is kind of a rough spot for these high end venues like G-ster and Noho.

And then do i make it back to SupercrossCup again this year?

So at the moment feeling pretty bummed and odd about the season going forward. A great start. Def prefer the low key grassroots stuff, almost wished G-ster and NoHo aligned better with Chicago and NYC marathons so i'd have the other weekends open.

And no I haven't looked at the soccer or HS Novice Crew (yeah the youngest kid is currently a 2 sport athlete - a middle schooler rowing for the high school team) calendar to line up where and when or even if we have info that far out.

Maybe I can make a few things work still.

The  bottom bracket on the Crockett is creaking louder than any of my BB30 bikes, may need to take it apart this week to re-grease it all. Maybe i can find my big jar of plumbers pipe compound instead of the stupid bike specific grease that doesn't work for this application. Or i clean the hell out of it and 609 that shit in place.

My back was bugging me and the running didn't help, but then it actually felt better last night and this morning than it had since Wednesday.

And I figured out what brought it on all of a sudden. grabbing my wallet and putting it in my pocket as I went out of the office for a lunch meeting. Sitting in a hard chair with it in my pocket (right side) for 90 minutes in an intense lunch meeting well...  that sure as hell fucked it up and makes sense. Thanks to John Mosher's anecdote i realized what happened and damn am i going to work to make sure I don't do that again anytime soon.

Feeling good after racing, need a couple more weekends like this to make things right, but going through the schedule is threatening to put a damper on shit.

Hopefully there's time tonight to sit down with the other variables on calendars I don't have easy access too to make sense and start signing up more in advance than the day before or day reg closes.

And yes - i COULD race KMC this weekend, but $46/day PLUS parking each day is pretty damn steep even for me, also it isn't a fun drive, and the turnout is low, and most of the folks I know aren't going to be there. It is fun riding there, just not driving there, and I haven't raced the event in a long time, I probably don't need to remind myself of the stuff in the past, but maybe they've changed it but still, value doesn't seem to be there, if it was $31/race and free parking? I'd probably go - and no the $25 difference isn't a total deal breaker but there's no singlespeed race and nothing really compelling other than there's nothing else close enough to race this weekend.

Maybe i just try and ride - or maybe I do night weasels instead (and wreck my thursday at work? - perhaps - dunno).

This whole racing thing is fun, I missed it, happy to have a few under my belt, now just wishing I could do the every weekend thing again... oh well. It is what it is and maybe the not racing will be motivation to train so i'm not as slow when i actually have a chance to race.

We'll see

heddwch
G

staring at a blank page

wanting to write - getting interrupted - or sitting here staring.

being here to help - helping - is good.

still much to do.

life eh?

stumbling through - (written earlier in the week)

2018-09-21



This song gets me to pause every time it pops back in a playlist/mix...

blank page here for a bit - saw a video, a link to someone with a new sponsor.

listening to this song a few times to chill/steel myself before checking the vid.

one of the gang is suggesting we get together in the same old skinsuits we all used to race in but, well, shit, I dunno man, that band broke up, talk about bringing it back? nah that's bad. too painful. so many uncertains. strung out the convo last night on twitter, made sure the one who blocked me was in most all of the replies, bet he didn't even see any of the thread, guessing he heard about it from somewhere else or just used the non-him account to watch...

A big part of the current cloud is the missing kid. The hole left by their not being here is pretty significant. Feel isolated and alone a bit, much more connected to that one than anyone else. Even if I felt pretty much in the dark in June. layers on layers.

very little reminding me of the good stuff lately.

my brain seems esp good at reminding me of the bad shit, the shit I have regrets or lost opportunities, or yeah all that shit some people can just move past, I'm usually pretty good about it. But sometimes I get sucked back in too easily.  And when the emotional batteries are drained there's no reserves to keep shit from spinning out of control.

Wing stall...

Fighting to regain control before crashing hard... 

there's a good chance of surviving the full crash...
but it takes a very long time to get back to normal...

5 years isn't enough time...

hell I don't think there's ever going back to normal. there's only learning how to deal with it, there's only hiding it from others, but mostly hiding it from yourself.

Racing both days this weekend but of course what happened wed night when I got home.

Fucking piriform locked up again. The dull super ache. Just when shit was getting better. I sat in a couple extra long meetings hyper focused and not moving and one of the chairs must have been just not right enough that I had to pop a pile of pills just to sleep. and to function. and now i have back to back races this weekend.

at least day two should be much lower key.

that is if I can move, if the drive doesn't destroy any ability to move pain free.

I survived Kalon cross, similar pain. I should hopefully make it through the courses this weekend.

We'll see what happens. Keep on keeping on. Adjust to the new paradigm, keep on moving on.

Need to push for a bit more creativity but at the moment I'm going to go do some bike building therapy for the hip/butt. For some reason an hour or more of that seems to help relax it all. On the desperate side of hope with this stupid pain.

pushing work - pushing to make it all happen.

soldiering on, carrying the weight...

heddwch
G

They bailed... so...

I bailed.

And got twitter shamed by negacoach just now for taking pictures instead of doing 40/20s.

Mentally crashed after writing that last bit today. Was kind of hoping someone would show up and I'd be able to overcome the hurdle and pedal through it but I didn't.

I rode back to the office, got my backpack and pedalled really slowly home with a tailwind.

Ran out of emotional battery today, or something. Despite eating like I was going to crank out a couple k calories this afternoon.

heddwch
G

Where are we now

Hugely personal introspective questions have been roaming in my conscious brain like a swarm of locusts.

Or maybe just really hungry grasshoppers...  or maybe giraffes?

Dunno but it has been kind of odd.

Definitely off. Riding, but mostly just commuting. Last week was destructively exhausting. Mostly just emotionally and internally, not physically although I don't think I did much to help the pedaling faster during races.

And now that Hurricane Florence, or what is left of it, is pounding the fuck out of Southern New England right now, Dirty smackdown is in jeopardy at the moment (HOLY SHIT I SPELLED JEOPARDY RIGHT THE FIRST TIME). And well looks like the weather is clearing a bit, front moved through faster and earlier than expected and has gone a bit south.

Bodes well for smackdown not being wet from both sides (top and bottom).

Maybe I'll sort it out and make a little loop in the belgian sand section and spend some time working on short laps that make my lungs bleed and my legs protest riding the single speed home.

Been reading a bit. Listening to books on tape at the shop to keep my mind from wandering. Books at 1.4x speed go by pretty quickly, but Jack McDevitt books all kind of are a bit too formulaic for me now. Good but there's so much cross over between the Priscilla Hutch series and the Alex B one that you absolutely know it is the same dude making stuff up. Finished the Scalzi Lock In book. So good. I don't know if it is a short book, but man it read very quickly and was good. First time in a while I don't have anything checked out from the library to read.

reading as an addiction substitute seems to be working okay, although I'm getting kind of tired from all the seltzer i'm drinking. It has stopped being a thirst thing and more a habit thing. But I guess that's not the worst addiction. Other than the actually whole having sleep interrupted by getting up.

I had a lot I wanted to say about the opening sentence. But can't really. I did have a moment of clarity and understanding but it doesn't come with any resolution. Lots of tracing back to me growing up, influences, frustrations, being too afraid or shy or just not enough confidence to reach out and explore and develop. KF had a good point about re-learning social strategies once sober and not drinking, and reflecting back on the summer, well, fortunately I've only had probably three social situations, maybe four, where I would have been drinking, and in all of them I wasn't much different w/o the beer than i would have been with it. And yes, I'm still analyzing the whole not drinking thing. Also completely buckled down with the fact that it is going to have to be the new me for quite a while.

Along those same lines I do feel like my stupid lower back/hip/butt is getting better. I can feel the progress. I can also still feel it when it begins to get tweaked and edging towards a spasm. And no, I haven't started doing more plans or more stretches. Maybe tomorrow.

Planning on racing both days this weekend. Single speed for both. Not sure when I'll put gears on the bike. Maybe I won't even bother. You can race Gloucester with one gear right? Not like I'm smart or strong enough to make use of being able to shift.

Shit - new radar looks wet. The heavy band of yellow and red has moved on but there's some solid green headed this way - could be kind of gross. Oh well at least it isn't cold.

Last week's post was leading into some deep stuff but i wrapped it up, packed it in, chewed on it, digested, threw it up, tried to hide it but it won't go away. Oh well. Nothing to do about it but figure out how to live with/move on and keep putting everyone else first most of the time. Fitting a bit for me in here and there in the corners and cracks out of the way.

Well, guess it is time to fill a water bottle and start getting things together for a bit of a wet CX practice. The challenge is going to be: do I bother to keep pedaling if no one shows or do I ride back to the office and get my backpack and just head home...

heddwch,
G

Definitely not hot lately

Narrator (voice sounds remarkably like the author): This was written a little big ago, like last week. No edit just post - starting new entry after clicking the orange button.

It has been hot

A LOT this summer.

AC has never run this much since we've been here. Guess I'll be doing some more insulating once it isn't a million degrees in the crawl spaces and attic space.

Crew and Soccer practice has been cancelled two days in a row.

But I still went out for a full Dirt Smackdown yesterday.

Took it easy riding up. And we had Tom along and his CX skills don't quite match his pure roadie power. But he's getting better. He Nutted himself and rolled in the dirt with his bike hitting a root just wrong. We didn't do the full northern section (tons of roots, lots of sand and then a big exposed section) But we kept rolling, and man was it hot.

I ran even lower pressure this week. 22-23 or so front and rear. Was perfect up front, but a bit low in the rear. No burp, a couple rock dingers on the rim and plenty of bottoming out despite riding lightly and floating over the saddle most of the ride.

My back was pretty wrecked, but no worse than I used to be in 2013 when Steph was working on it. Yeah yeah I'll start doing planks soon. Maybe tomorrow.

It was hot. Really hot. I ate not enough, was super hungry all afternoon, pedaled through it though. No bonk. Why? Fat burning. At least I have that training to save my ass. Those that bonk are sugar fuelers. That's okay, probably not good and probably predisposes you to T2D but hey maybe not, (i'm being nice). I did feel like I could have used a bit more water. But 2 small bottles for a ~3.5 hour ride in 90+ degree heat. Yeah I guess I could have used more but while I'm sore this morning I didn't cramp, die or anything else. My sun glasses suck though.

I did find that when the sweat puddled on my glasses I was riding more blind than not - everything fuzzy, so maybe I was picking a straighter and  less optimal but faster line because of it. Going to try a different pair tomorrow to see if it does any better.

Yeah tomorrow. Planning on escaping by being on the bike all day, or at least most of the day. Kind of combining yesterday's ride with last thursday's ride but continue down to the bridge and not skipping any of the single track. Doesn't look like anyone will be joining me, so we'll see how that goes, I usually try not to ride alone on this day but it is better than being at work, and I still fucking hate it - more because of the conflict inside. I don't want people to know, but then feel sad for the same reason. Conflicted,  but hey - made an attempt to see if anyone had the day off to ride, reinforcement that the day kind of isn't fun, but I like the idea of spending it on the bike, hopefully the trails will keep my brain focused enough to pause the introspection. Half feeling like cuing up an audio book and doing what I constantly rant against: ride with earbuds.

But that takes work. okay - coffee consumed. Time to get my ass in gear and catch back up, 10 mins of writing and at least I only have three new emails to deal with.

But - this morning Amanda B was talking about finding out about a friend's passing, and writing about her reactions...  I got thinking while pedaling in (wearing pants, yeah it is already "realfeel" 90s and i'm wearing full fucking normal pants riding a bike) and this song popped in my head.

Probably partly due to tomorrow...



But in my head the last lines I changed from:
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground

to:
just a lost soul
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground

I'm tired but hanging in there, and not doing as bad as I have, so that's good?

and hey BTW - why can't we get seltzer in a 30 rack?

heddwch
G

Blogs are dead, long live the blogs

Or not, how long will it last? who knows.

Pushing back on the wave that is building this week. Friday I managed to pretty much destroy the coming week. Thinking about racing on Saturday, thinking about commuting by bike to the Dept retreat but it is now 33 miles away, a good idea before racing single speed with a long run up? Esp if I manage to try and ride on thursday again.

But Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are looking scary.

Had a good time at Syl's 50th B-day last night - a bit late of a night for me, but managed another notch in the hanging out with everyone drinking while not drinking, I did bring a cooler full of seltzer, shared and consumed lots of it. It worked, got to explain why to a handful of people. Realized it wasn't any different w/o the beer. I'm still awkward and annoying and a pain in the ass.

Worried about how the hell I'm going to get the Crockett set up SSCX by saturday. But fuck it - i'll start worrying about that Thursday.

Def not feeling awesome right now, pain is going away a little at a time, but right now it at least has stopped being dull and achy and persistent and now just dagger like very targeted and specific bits of pain. I'm taking that as it is time to get on the begining to strengthen the shit around it.

With the exception of last night I'm def withdrawing a bit right now. Reading more.

Decent books too, but mostly still scifi stuff.

Probably should get back to it - there's a book that I got on hold a bit ago from the library and it will expire soon. Gotta finish it. The wishlist in the Overdrive Ap is getting pretty big. Most of them have a waiting list, but I've let the hold list dwindle just so I don't run the risk of having everything check out at once. Might leave a gap but I should be doing stuff besides reading when I'm reading but it is kind of my only escape right now, and I'm going to hold on to it for a few more books.

I really wish this week and the following weekend weren't so fucking packed with everything for everyone, sure, i'm screwing it all up by attempting to make a come back at a race with close to no fitness in the middle of everything else going on. Maybe getting all these invitations to big and small birthday parties lately isn't helping much.

Time to cuddle with the dogs and read some until I can find some sleep, I think maybe I drank too much water yesterday/ last night? make sense? No, was like I'd been drinking coffee all day - and all night. Hopefully tonight will be different.

heddwch
G

Yesterday was the Tale of Two Rides

The horrible incident after incident on the bike path, all super minor and normal, but added on top of the mid-afternoon mind dump and the way the day had been going, well it couldn't have been worse.

But then getting on the Crockett, with the tubeless set up, doing some dismount repeats up inclines and not having pain, still fluid as hell getting on the bike despite no practice for over a year, despite not racing since? shit, 2016? Damn motherfucker.

Kind of wished I'd remembered to put the garmin mount on there so I could keep track of HR and the time, but it worked, didn't need to do that. Leland kicks my ass on the road and he can't ride in the dirt. Last time on Dirt smackdown I couldn't even hang with David B, yesterday i was dropping him. Odd, sort of. But encouraging, even if just a blip. Who knows maybe I'd have faded or something a bit longer.

Unfortunately I just finished lunch. it isn't even 11am.

RTKelly, over on twitter, said something about writing a blog post about how to work from home in a 1000 sqft house with a toddler. But then the punchline is there's no time to blog. (he said it much more eloquently and humorously than I did and I don't feel like trying to go back and look for it).

Blogging happens in those moments of opportunity. They used to be more numerous, I had more time to read on the internet and share what I read and share how what I read made me feel/think/whatnot.

Right now twitter/instagram seem to fit with the amount of time I have to do so but I've very much cut back on doing so there, curating a bit how and what I share via different platforms. Finding a balance.

Part of that balance though has been carving out tiny bits of time lately - even if infrequently - and writing.

I had a dream this morning, I for some reason, had a can of Fat Tire beer in the bathroom, in the morning. And I opened it. And there was a tall glass, poured most of it in there, lots of foam, tried to drink the foam, y'all probably can remember or know what that's like. But finished it, then paranoid drank the rest of the can of beer, hide the evidence. Couldn't just dump it - that would be wasting stuff, even if it is beer and I'm not drinking. The whole conflict was oddly curious. kind of in a detached altered conscious sort of way. TBH I actually don't really like the smell of beer right now, at all, on people's breath or in a glass/can. Strange eh? Esp for me.

And I'm pretty much okay with that. I have been slowly unfollowing all the breweries on social media, I mean I love the brands, Bells, Deschutes, Dog Fish Head, wonderful resonance of good memories but those are in the past right now, not part of the future.

I'm definitely NOT working on scheduling right now, I should, but feel more like writing than trying to frustratingly juggle so many schedules.


Oh and I closed all the windows last night - dogs slept great, rain probably helped too, but I actually managed some sleep. AND almost feel like just normal lower back pain. Pain has moved back up to where is usually is, aka gotta get going with the plank routine. There's still some weakness in the piriform/psoas/butt but getting better, or the Ibuprofen is finally building up in my system enough to be functional. Skipped taking it this morning by accident, we'll see how that plays out the rest of the day.

Too many words yeah?

Yeah.

Why prompted me to sit down long enough to load this page in the browser and start writing was reading this post:
https://capturehappy.com/cyclocross/

So hey.gonna 'send' it like i did a few times yesterday I was having so much fun - damn yeah boi I got some Air motherfucker.

And this morning's ride in was awesome - wet, deserted, not raining, not cold. And Google told me it would have taken 45 min to drive in (closed all the ramps getting into the city - bike is def the way to get to PVD from anywhere in the East Bay.

I guess I have two words for those who've made it this far.

Thank You

heddwch
G

I lied

I was happy riding the bike in the woods in the trails hanging out.

Also 25 psi was too much pressure in those 40 nanos running tubeless. Didn't bottom out, def can go lower, maybe not all the way to 20 but as well as they set up on the rims, maybe I can dip into the teens.

BUT HOLY SHIT 25 FELT LIKE VELCRO IN THE TRAILS, over cooked a corner and almost hooked a tree and ate shit but saved it at the last minute with some massive body english and it didn't lock up my back.

Tried some few second hill sprints with a remount and it didn't phase the back/butt at all. Only a problem after getting back in the van and grabbing a few grocery items that I forgot to pick up yesterday, walking around - it started to go ouchy. Time to stand around and stretch it out and cook.

The ride home was shitty - people on the path were clueless dangerous assholes  - and I felt weird. But a good amount of time on the Crockett fixed it all.

Need some more of that shit. Pronto. I wonder if Ginger Dave is around anymore....

heddwch
G

10 mins

Don't need to leave yet - don't want to wade into trying to schedule 25 different user training sessions on the six different scopes. Don't really have the time to do that. Will make an attempt to get to that level tomorrow. Today was just go through everything, reply as I could to what I needed to.

Catching up.

On everything except sleep.

Windows open for the first time in a while and the dogs are fucking barking at a leaf falling outside. In the middle of the night.

Car driving down two streets away, BARK BARK BARK - both of them.

Almost ready to just turn the AC back on and close the windows just to get them to shut up. That and my back is kind of almost only bad at night now (and when I wake up), if it wasn't then I'd jump out of bed and add some discipline and yell at them about it. Terrible dog owners, no control on the barky territorial mutts we adopted.

Going to make an attempt at a brief dirt smack tonight. Have to be back at the car by 6pm so it'll be a shorter duration, but first with the tubeless on this bike.
Planning a longer but mellow ride on Thursday. If today and Thursday go well then I'll start tossing in some intensity and planks.

Someone asked for happy updates, I dunno, I'll try to see what I can do. I'm tired, my back is slowly, too slowly, healing, but shit is going sideways pretty well, anxiety about the van and everything else is a huge wall of dark menacing water on the edge of my awareness, lurking there, more lately than not it feels like it is building and more threatening. I'm feeling good, but i wouldn't say I'm euphoric or happy. But then am I ever really?

Mojo or muse, still missing a bit of both. Creatively pushing through, carried along by images and work collected in tiny bursts of high productivity amidst chaos. I did spend time to peak at the images for the DHB gallery show coming up in January, I'm not going to re-shoot them. They are good and I'm happy with them, trying to re-visit the samples on the new scope would change the story too much.

Time to race home, prep for this afternoon, hope the mis-fire isn't too bad today, and try some off-road pedaling.

heddwch
G

marginal improvements

not sure i'm ready for smackdown tomorrow, but may just pedal around on the freshly made tubeless tires.

I had planned on spending the money to buy fancy wheels this year after racing on the ones I had last year but I didn't race and now am thinking maybe I should just get new wheels NEXT year. maybe get a new road frame instead? But then if I get a new road frame I'd kinda like to go full disc on that too, 12mm 100/142 and shit yo, so wheels can go back and forth, tubeless or tubed. Fuck tubulars. Don't give a shit about them. The one set I'd still run I'm not sure I have a bike to put them on (Limus, rim-brake - no CX bike to put them on) although perhaps going tubular for one set may not be the worst, put muds on for CX and swap over to road tubs for TT or something stupid.

Back is kind of still fucked up, more tolerable. Close to how it feels after racing CX over the weekend and using excessive doses of Beer to relax before sleeping. Still too sore for starting planks, hopefully tomorrow, but functional and not sore enough that I'm going to call back and head to the doc (at least not just yet). But yeah getting some decent sleep would certainly help. maybe this cooler weather will mean better sleeping, or not. Didn't help last night.  Brain wouldn't unwind at all.

The week is getting a bit crazy, but hopefully manageable and diverse enough not to burn out any more.

oh well - on to the next task, and the next...

heddwch
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HFS ouch

Nothing quite like waking up being unable to walk down the stairs at midnight because your butt muscles are in a knot.

It got a bit better yesterday, The ride home was really not so bad. Bumps didn't hurt anywhere near like they did yesterday morning.

but holy shit everything was sore. Like beat up contusion sore. from my knee to the middle of my back and spreading at the lower back over to the left side. holy fucking shit that sucked.

But managed to make dinner and get through without a major spasm but just really slowly, like a million years old because the muscles were sore and the priform/psoas/mid-glute whatever is fucked, was threatening to lock the fuck up. Twingy pain on top of dull deep ache. I finally fell asleep maybe 10:30-11pm, not as early as I wanted to but i just couldn't settle/relax. More or less passed out from exhaustion, then boom - WHAT THE FUCK pain at midnight. Like couldn't move. Hobbled, rolled, out of bed, managed to get downstairs, tried some stretching, just simple symmetrical stuff, then noticed in the mirror that I was shaped more like an S with some insane imbalance. And I couldn't straighten out.

At that point i said fuck it and took 800mg of Vitamin I and hobbled back up to bed. and eventually slept, and kept sleeping. Woke up feeling great (relatively - IE i could move w/o stabbing pain and I was back to normal body). Made coffee, didn't want to tempt fate by sitting in the trigger chair and dealing with the emails so I laid back down. Drank coffee, emailed, then when to get back up and KABLAMM - spasm - FUUUUUUCK that one hurt.

But faded reasonably quickly but not completely. Suited up, rode in late.

Def better riding than before. And yeah. Thinking about it, this is the same issue I've always had. Greg W has looked at it and said it is just imbalance in the stability muscles at the top of the glute. I'm not track sprinting monster but I make too much force with the legs relative to the attachment points to the rest of the body. And no, I haven't been doing Yoga, Ti Chi, CrossFit or anything, haven't even been chopping wood lately. Once it settles down, well, gonna be adding, at the very least, daily or every other day plank routine.

Might not have full stability for a month or two, but just hoping for steady improvement and hoping to minimize the impact on training/riding and on paying to participate aka "racing" cyclocross this season.

Plans to spend the day riding today? Nope. Not gonna happen. Fortunately that Crossrip+ makes it possible to get in w/o much stress, the movement seems to help relax and settle the muscle, maybe I'll take the long way home just to get some more pedaling in. That's going to depend on when I can wraps stuff up. okay, "lunch" is over, time to make some phone calls and do a day's worth of stuff in the next couple hours. Would stop if I could, but can't, except on the bikes, Disc brakes are fucking awesome.

heddwch

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getting older sucks

Found something my D.O. couldn't fix immediately with O.M.M.

Or I guess I fucked up the muscle so badly that it is going to take a while to fix.

Pretty sure it is the right piriform that is fucked, pinching that stupid old person nerve. Damnit.

Pedaling is okay, bumps while pedaling are like a knife in the top of my butt/base of my spine.

The lack of sleep combo with the extra stresses and the long walks at the conference probably were all contributors. Coincidences? nah all contributing factors. But given how fucked my right hip is right now, maybe the smackdown disaster was really not so bad, no pain and better rest, perhaps there's something in the legs. Not likely enough but something. Trying to be comfortable and restful and not make the pain worse is pretty fucking impossible though.

Gotta keep plugging on, pushing forward, making shit happen. Not sure bed rest is even a good idea, not sure doing planks and weakening/stressing the supporting muscles is either, but will stretching be enough?

Day two of cutting back on coffee. At doc office at 3:45 my BP was 100/60 so, for some dude about to turn 47, that's not terrible, even if i'm get paralyzed by pain by surprise just moving normally right now.

I suppose I could pop some pills, dull the pain...  but then I wouldn't be aware of making it worse or tracking when it gets better.

Was going to ride bikes for a good part of the day tomorrow, but right now, nope. need this shit to sort itself out. Somehow. Fuck.

At least I didn't forget my wallet at home and while I normally bring lunch, the college bound oldest kid has been cooking and I love having someone else cook for a change, downside is they aren't quite making enough to have left over portions to take for lunch. Anyone up for lunch on Thayer today?

Didn't think so, I'll head out alone like normal. Not complaining, it is just me, now to decide, way too many choices for food.

heddwch
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Smackdown - can't walk level pain

Heading to the DO this afternoon. Right hip/muscle issue came back big time after sitting on the train, sort of got progressively worse somewhat at peak pain level now. can't walk w/o pain, and this is kind of make your eyes light up white with pain.

Rode through smackdown with it, probably not the best idea, but it was mostly okay until I stood up and I needed the ride. I felt horrible, could barely do much, but I got the HR up, put some work in, woke up the legs, hit the reset button after the conference week. But man I am tired. Really fatigued lately. Like drinking 1.5x to 2x more coffee than I normally drink and I normally drink a LOT more than anyone else. Fuller who claims to have ridden no more than 200 miles this year was dropping me, after I pulled for a while but still, it was not helping the mental state of things. I did pretty much pull hard through most of the sections, pulled up all of Rocky hill, but he walked away from me on Hillside. I shifted to the little ring for the first hill, i think, but maybe not, it hurt, then hit that last little rise and OMG i thought I would have to get off and walk, what the actually fuck? Like I can barely turn the gear over and this is terrifying. I was in the 55 not the 42. That explains a bit.  Riding back I just couldn't make the legs work, not fuel, not fluid, just fatigue. And pain.

Took a break here, had a pile of meetings, got ready to go grab some lunch, realized that I have left my wallet at home. Guess I'm headed back there before the Dr. Can't really put any gas in the car w/o a way to pay for it eh? So, yeah, just a little tired. Forgetting important stuff like everything.

Got home and just laid down. got up, stood up but avoided sitting. well not true, I sat down to upload the ride home and then couldn't get out of the chair w/o paralyzing pain. I didn't sit down again. Did a great job of relaxing the strain, not making it worse until waking up at 3am having somehow rolled over into a position that added extra strain on the muscle/issue and made it worse.

It is fun. Esp going into CX. Need to fix this or send an email to Paully B opening up my spot on the race for someone on the waitlist.

But current mind is kind of wishing I'd brought lunch. or my wallet.

Crazy day, insane in a way, now added extra with the whole not having that key bit of information and currency collection.

Feeling super overwhelmed, even with the meeting. It didn't help refresh, still back at work feeling overwhelmed, too much to do. Too much that is waiting to be scheduled but this week is already packed and I am reluctant to schedule anything next week, but I will and it will also be full, and then there's the van. Those old super rusty spark plugs are starting the mis-fire when cold and at low idle. So I get to drive the van. But we're going to need two cars and well, gonna have to get it fixed. Sometime, somehow. And I need to catch up on sleep. Sometime, somehow. Already cut back on the coffee today. But now have to add an extra hour of driving because I'm a tired dumbass. And now a hungry one too. Extended fasts are really really really good. And I do have a tin of sardines in the drawer here but nothing to eat them with. I'm not THAT hungry.

And now I've been sitting too long, this is going to suck having to stand up and walk down the hall to help with the scope.

oh well, such is life, gotta keep on carrying on

heddwch
G

Traveling by Train

Even with delays it is pretty antithetical to air travel. Relaxed, quiet, calm.

Found a seat in the quiet car. But person in seat behind me seems to be pounding away on a RTKelly mechanical keyboard. SMACKY SMACKY SMACKY arhythmic, loud, inconsistent. But there's some wifi so i'm trying to listen to music, because I don't have any DLd and don't want to stream (data boned).

It has been insanse lately. Even for me. But not bad, and as overwhelmed as I was I still hit the marks and got done what I needed to and when. There's still a weeks+ worth of stuff I'm going to have to add to an already full schedule over the next 2-6 weeks or how ever long it takes to catch back up.

This week? Sun-Today certainly feels like a week, packed full of stuff, was a good test, I guess I passed it? Copious and unending free beer and wine every day and almost every night. receptions, happy hours, tutorials, loose cannon, dogfish, all the local good stuff pouring freely. Finally figured out the safest way to order water that isn't flat is just to do club soda, asking for sparkling water often gets you sprite from a hot over worked bartender at a big event. Oh and decaf coffee that they had sunday night that I had so I could have something to drink besides lemonade and beer/wine probably wasn't decaf (wired for too long). Not a big deal though right? Actually kind of a big deal. Downside, no sidekick, no social extrovert friend to hang out with and help me engage in social situations, not drinking didn't change my social awkwardness, still didn't really talk to anyone I didn't already know, but it was surprisingly pretty okay being there just me, probably mostly because I was clear headed and sober and rational about it all and able to recognize that i was being me and I was happy and comfortable in my skin just being, not forcing, not feeling drunk and lonely and stupidly wanting to not be (the latter while the former).

The train was late, got some iced coffee, got a massive pile of cash on the credit card to hopefully get covered by the expense 'report' soon, but even then something like this before would have sent me over the freakout anxiety edge, I'm calm and clear about it. Kind of like a normal person. Although I'm not. Normal.

Before getting to the rest of the shit rolling around in my head I guess I'm fortunately it was beer and wine, if there was vodka sodas, I might have slipped, but there wasn't, easy.

The lead up to Baltimore was crazy, I manged to pack in a smackdown, not my fastest but not my slowest, but the one with the highest HR in a while and it didn't feel like it took much. Followed up that with the last TT on thursday. Posted up my best time of the summer, still not as fast as my fast years but still, something to go on and it felt much easier to go that hard, still hurt but I recovered much more quickly and the ride home wasn't as bad as it was the past couple times. So that built up, then I haven't touched the bike since Friday.  Last week, the day after the TT.

This week I did bring running shoes, but didn't use them. I just walked everywhere. miles and miles. First miles from the station to the hotel, in the heat. Ouch, but not bad. Each day seemed to add more walking in the evening on top of all the walking up and down the massive floors at the convention center. No elevators, no escalators, stairs only this week. A hell of a lot of stairs. And lots of walking. Ready to get back on the bike though.

And about that bike, well I registered for G-ster. After some internal back and forth, and then discussing with E, well I signed up for one day, just saturday. And despite all my gut feelings I went with the 40+ field instead of the Cat 3s. Why? I dunno. Okay well the run down, time of the day, earlier is better, if I wind up being asked to work the pits well that doesn't put me racing the race before the elites, and I know most of the names on the back half of the race, actually in both of the races but somehow, felt despite being a lot closer to 50 than 40, well that's the place to sign up. I didn't sign up on Tuesday. I waited until Wed. There were 5 spots left in the 40+ race both days, and the cat 3s were maybe half full. Sign up for one, if needed I could probably get the race organizers to switch me out of the 40+ to get someone off the waitlist.

BUT HOLYSHIT I SIGNED UP FOR A CX RACE.

Kind of still thinking about racing Gary's new race, up there just past Bolton Orchards, a family outing before taking the oldest off to College.

I don't feel as old as I seem to indicate here in the last little bit. Feel younger than I have in a while, mostly due to not drinking I think. Maybe something else, either way, it feels good to not feel shitty.

Don't worry it still sucks to wake up and takes a good bit of time before I'm fully functional after getting out of bed.

One of the extra bit of crazy last week getting ready for the conference was getting some images ready for the Micrograph Competition. I picked what I felt were awesome images that had demonstrated some really slick and unique and challenging techniques and looked good. But it is a popularity contest a bit and well, the local folks won. Home field advantage in a popular vote contest is hard to overcome, no matter how much better your offering is.

So that was a bummer yesterday at the end of the day. But it was, and it is and well, maybe next year. But it was a good excuse to go through the process of printing and to validate the output process for color images. Maybe though I need to go back to the roots and the black and white if I go back to this one, or at least one of each. I do have the Thermo calendar contest coming up, and more importantly the Wheeler gallery show opening up in January. Maybe I can focus a bit more on getting into a few more galleries or work on a few more collections or the web page or there's plenty to do.

I've been pretty consistently posting on the Nanoscape instagram, it is growing, and it is me. My aesthetic is different than most of the other SEM artists, and yeah I'm not the only one. But I do it all differently.

Like most everything. There's the 'normal' way to do something and there is the 'GeWilli' way to do it.

So I guess I have to figure out how to get some CX back into the legs, and start figuring out what to do. Oh and back to the Gloucester, I only signed up for one day. I know I'm not anywhere in shape to be racing that race back to back days. One day, just pour everything into it, head home and then get ready for the week. Racing one day per weekend certainly seems to make more sense for now. Maybe I'll get back to a full schedule, maybe next year, but not now.

Riding the train is pretty awesome. Visual progress, but relaxed, stuff is happening as you roll past, miles rolling away, greener, waste lands, razor wire, crumbling old stuff, new skylines in the distance, something different about the train.

Maybe it is a reminder of college, taking the N.E. Regional back and forth from New London CT to DC.

Maybe I'll write more later, I did manage to swap sides of the train so crazy keyboard smashing lady isn't directly behind me, maybe it'll be quieter here on this side.

and at least now I'll be on the water side through CT. Very important part of the trip.

But we just pulled out of Philadelphia, there's a long way to go before that, and I didn't bring food with me, wondering if i can make it on black coffee alone today. So far so good but it is only 11:40am.

I wonder if we'll pass the same rail car that was at one point full of Modelo cans, cases and cases spilled out, open, consumed, and all just sitting there on the tracks hobo dream. If you're a hobo that likes 90 degree beer. And just so much trash everywhere and awesome graffiti.

Well, once/if the WiFi comes back on I'll post, at the moment there's nothing. Comes and goes, but Google play is doing a nice job of building a dropout tolerant stream of music.

Hope y'all are well, I'll try and not be so infrequent between postings, but not so frequent that I'll load up a bunch today on the train, (but no promises)

heddwch
G

Smackdown/meltdown/TT

So this whole bike riding thing.

Guess what happens when you don't ride much, and when you do ride it is to and from work only.

It sucks when you get dropped. Frustrating, demoralizing. I added a bit of a description to the strava stuff, call those mini-blogs in a way I guess.

Last week on Smackdown we hit the dirt, I kept getting dropped/gapped off. I just couldn't pedal hard enough to keep up, and my heart rate no matter how much I pushed it wouldn't go over 148. I think that's called fatigue. And yeah. I was f'n exhausted.

This week I got the HR up but died on Pine. Predictably. It was hot, we talked all the way to Prospect, I was riding with big Tom up front and my HR was at 155 (max has been 170 or so lately maybe a few higher but not significantly). And yeah it was hot out. I died on Pine and could see them there and started chasing, but couldn't make up ground and couldn't even go as fast as I did on the Crockett with the knobbies three weeks ago. I didn't take any short cuts and just rode it out myself.

And I know why, but still bummed. I don't know how much of it is the bike. Is the Klein really just old and slow? Would the black blue (carbon CX) that i've ridden all over everywhere as a road bike and seemed to be pretty good as a road bike, but languishing w/o a crank be any faster? I don't know.

I don't like not knowing btw. Don't like that it is sitting there unrideable. I sort of looked at what a new road frame might cost, there's an emonda for $400 or so, but then i could buy fancy light wheels for the crockett for the same price. But not going to buy stuff, mostly because, I know it isn't the stuff that's slow. It is me.

I just need to ride.

I thought about it yesterday but it was so hot, bike path was super busy and I was tired. Dogs woke me up at 5am this morning, after being hot pads in bed due to fireworks going off until about 11pm or later. Finally kicked them out and fell asleep. Woke up, figured I might as well head in early and get a jump on catching up at the bike shop then head to the office for the late morning meeting. Woke up, made coffee, laid down in bed to drink coffee and catch up on overnight IG and internets and fell back asleep, woken up when E left for work and then instantly back asleep. oops. yeah i'm tired. still.

I wasn't quite prepared for how fucked up the crappy feelings from the ride left me. Also the ride really fucked up my hip/back/muscle/I dunno on my right side.

It is fine unless I go for a hard ride. So not only did the ride suck I was in pain and holy shit it was bad. Yeah I need to go see my D.O. get some OMM and diagnose the source/problem find a solution.

Instead of riding yesterday I read. finished the 3rd book in the Myke Cole Shadow Ops series. And started book 2 of a different series. Didn't really do much, needed that.

needed the sleep.

And that brings me to the TT tonight. Bikeworks is starting it up again.

But it is going to be over 90, the TT bike isn't set up, and I'm still tired. Somewhat tempted to just ride over and ride home, but even that sounds pretty exhausting. That and I've got the Crossrip+ and no kit. Would have to go home and swap it all. half tempted to charge the bike up and ride it out there, but that's sort of defeating the purpose of riding and getting fit. That and if I go and ride it and feel like shit then get dropped riding home (that I know will happen) I just will feel miserable again and I don't know if that's worth it. And I still have all the stuff I needed to do instead of sleeping to get done. Maybe next week. Maybe it won't be 900thousand degrees next week. Although fast air. Mmmmm.

I keep thinking, man I should just get a coach to help get me in shape. But I know what I need to do. I need to just ride, find a comfortable base, then build on that. It is going to take time. And I just have to make time. I'll add it to the list.

But hey, I'm still on the bike most days, and that's pretty awesome. The commute is amazing and so what if I am not as fast as I once was, maybe I'm now as slow as I ever was.

Yes I need to focus on the positive but it isn't like flipping a switch and that line from Furtado's interview kind of rings true, "...that your run-of-the-mill pep talk isn't helping." And some stuff isn't totally under control. And I slip a bit. Two steps forward, one step back, doubting myself constantly.

Okay - This disjuncted interrupted mess of words has gone on too long and my tiny windows of time have closed at this spot- And if i don't move on i'll be stuck here dealing with stuff for another 3hrs, stuff that can wait.

Don't mind me, i'll figure this shit out eventually. or at least learn along the way

heddwch
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no coincidence

while it wasn't the factor, Bourdain's death, kind of underscored that my decision was correct.

Downside, social situations that were fun and manageable, one on one or in a group, now trigger all the stuff that having a beer or more made disappear.

Chip posted this article earlier today:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-perspec-alcoholism-anthony-bourdain-drinking-suicide-0622-20180621-story.html

granted it is biased and leveraged by those who are pushing for prohibition level avoidance but still, man does it ring true on all accounts.

Call it one of those choices that are personal. If you can enjoy a beer or a cocktail and be satisfied with one or two and go days without one, that's awesome.

---

This draft has been sitting here since the 21st of June. Haven't been back.

But best to start with a new post with the rest.

heddwch
G

Frank Turner - Be More Kind

Now more than ever.

Fucking national situation is amazingly horrible.

The reluctantly slow metabolism of the US is turning us into a really shitty place, and lots of evil white rich assholes are fucking everything up.

Too bad they won't actually hear this song, or actually register the impact or implications.

Sigh, my heart hurts with all this shit going on, all the layers and layers of it.

be more kind

Feeling lucky

Yes, I have two wonderful kids that make me a father. I have a step-father who's been a fantastic roll model and father, and I talked to my dad today. More on that last bit in a few.

Coffee, headed out, jacked up the van, cleaned off the interface a bit more with a razor blade. Got it installed. Couldn't really remember the belt routing, took me a few tries before I got it right. No, I don't have a manual for this car, but looking at the gasket, next time I'm going to look for 2005 Pacifica 3.8l instead of '09 Caravan data. Thinking about it makes sense, Chrysler sold VW all those engines for the Routan. We'll see next time I get it apart for the next issue. Or hopefully never have to think about it again. Doubt that will be the case.

Got it together. Did a handful of drain and fills with R/O water. Man that was rough and time consuming. Managed to get only about 6 quarts drained out of the 16 that were in there each time. But I did it three times. Warming the engine up between each, letting it get hot enough to open the thermostat, then letting it cool down until it wasn't dangerous to drain.

That third one I bolted the wheel on, headed out to repeat the last trip when the temps went from 220-240 in the engine and the heat took 30-60 sec to come on in the cabin and then wasn't really all that hot (it was hotter with the engine not even up to temp during the flushes). Did the loop, temp never went above 190 or so, always one tick below 200. Paying attention to it I could actually see the opening and closing of the thermostat. Temps dropped, and then came back up. Also noticing and liking that the temp gauge actually seems to report the temp, not just be an idiot gauge that they use in all the german VWs.

Also of key notice, unlike after the drive on the 1st with the lower rad hose being stone cold, it was hot. Waterpump WORKING. While it was cooling down from the test drive I put the fender liner on and the lower shroud. Put the wheel back on and torqued the bolts all down. But man those lugnuts were scorching hot. Had to be careful with the rotor and caliper there - also not cool. Also not cool? TODAY. A scorcher and brilliantly bright sun. At least there was a breeze and the hood gave me enough shade so I could hide and cool everything down easily enough. I may have gotten even more sun today. Oops.

Anyway, after that test drive...

I drained as much of the system as I could, even got the rest out of the block and the engine cooler that last time. Managed to get an extra quart. Toped it up with straight coolant (yeah did the math sort of). Unfortunately, I needed to get the leading plastic clip out of the lower shroud. It didn't come off in one piece. But there were well spaced holes that a zip tie worked well to hold it in place. So I did manage to fuck something up. With all that out I filled it up with the coolant. Not mixed because I had some pretty well diluted stuff in there, and going up to 70% coolant isn't bad, I don't think i'm there but I'm bad at maths. Three flushes 6 quarts added drained the first couple times, closer to 7 on the last one 16 quart system, assuming it was 50% at the start? Good enough. I hope.

Topped up the oil while waiting for it all to cool down. Was going to wash it but baking sun isn't supposed to be the right time to wash a car, although as little as we've washed this one I'm sure anything would have been better than nothing.

Once all set, I grabbed the impact gun I'd borrowed from DiPinto at the shop and headed over to return it so he could sharpen his mower blade.

Driving over there, well I am pretty sure I haven't seen it spend this much time below 200 line in a very long time. And being pretty damn near 90 in the shade, it was a good day to test it. Made it there, hung out and chatted and caught up with everyone, added a bit more coolant before leaving. Drove a while down the drag to the cheap gas, filled up the car. Paired the bluetooth with the phone, and drove home and the temp was pretty stable.

Nothing seems to be leaking under the car. The oil cooler line looks pretty scary but it is intact for the minute. I as much as I hate pre-emptive maintenance I may look at replacing that at the next oil change.

Right now I'm just cooking up some sauteed carrots, some hot italian pork sausages, and mashed potatoes for dinner, and drinking my 4th or 5th can of ice cold seltzer water.

Eat, shower, read, sleep...

After the test drive I did call my dad. Actually got him on the phone and despite the warnings from my brothers at how slow he's gotten (it did take a good number of rings to answer his cell phone) he sounded no different than the last time. We had a good talk, talked about the upcoming move and how it really wasn't what he planned, but that this was the best way forward, he would have liked to change it all and have certain things not happen that lead to this, and he's not sure about going from 8000' elevation to basically sea level... and stuff. But he did say not to worry or stress too much about getting out there, there's plenty of help to pick up any slack from me not being there, and it was good to hear something different than what my brothers have been saying.  It was the kind of stuff I needed to hear from my Dad, he knows I'd be out there if I could, and I could, but it would destroy the week before I head out and then I'll be gone at a conference and two weeks of no one doing what I need to do means I have to spend a month playing catch up assuming there are no interruptions. And yes, I'm maybe a week away from being caught up from the beginning of May. I'm much much more at peace, mentally, when i'm caught up with everything. And if May and the first two weeks of June are any indication, I need to actively make sure I balance everything for me a bit more than I have been.

Anyway, a good day, not the classic Father's day of many folks, but it wasn't so bad. Got something done (hopefully, fingers still crossed, it takes a while for the grip of anxiety to wear off). But I'm a bit more settled than i have been in a while.

Roller coaster eh? But this time I put the brakes on and took a bit more control. Life's a process eh? Always testing, prodding, pushing I guess.

Being more mindful of where I step, not just blindly putting one foot in front of the other.

And I think writing has been helping. It helped me realize what the issues were that were super dark, helped me shake some of it, gave me some accountability for the new choice/change. Maybe I'll stick with it for a while.

heddwch
G

Happy Father's Day

Had meant to wake up extra early and get a start on working on the van before the sun got too high and the temps too warm.

But no dice.

Slept in a bit extra, not too much, made coffee, drank coffee and wrote RRRR recap.

now finishing coffee, staring at the gasket, had a dream I put the first gallon of coolant in to start the flush and wasted $20 and was furious at myself. Def going to keep that in mind as I head out. 

Father's day hasn't really held that much significance. Some years I've gone for big bike rides, some years, many lately it seems, the girls are all off on a vacation with my in-laws, or something, and me here with the dog(s).

Hopefully I can get the van back together in a reasonable amount of time and then head into the bike shop, hopefully in the van to test all the stuff I've done before sending my wife off in it as her preferred daily driver (although she's been doing well with the Volvo all this time).

Okay. well. Here we go. Time to put the boots on, grab the safety glasses and go work out in the sun (there ain't no shade tree/garage for me).

heddwch
G

RRRR 2.0 recap

What a ride.

It worked out, went well. We had 45 or so people +/- and a range of abilities that went from incredibly fast to just happy to be riding and looking for the challenge.

I headed out a few minutes later than planned. Relaxed morning. But light on the coffee I stuck with one cup, then filled a bottle with some instant coffee (hey it is cold and turns out, it tastes just like puting fresh good coffee in a bottle and drinking it a couple hours later) got dressed and skipped the sunscreen (tan line activation). One burn in three or four years is probably not the worst thing I've done. Actually has faded pretty well as of this morning. Not so bad.

Rolled out, felt slow. But timing wasn't so bad. Got there after Roger and Lesli but before most people. Got a large coffee from 7 Stars and chatted, worked on saying hi to people, welcoming them. Got a IG story with Softswerve as she rolled up but didn't post till after the ride. David B ran the reg/sign in like the smooth warm and welcoming pro that he is. We collected some extra cash at the start for 1PVD and rolled out as a group. The stoplight actually made the first split. I wound up rolling out with the last of them as Syl was kitting up and getting ready to go. David B was still in street clothes and wound up riding sweep with Giulia, at least until... i'll get to that.

Wound up with Lesli and Roger at the start there, we all promptly blew through the stop sign just like I had asked everyone not to and of course I got a bit of grief for that. Waved at Walter A in his front yard (derdowski shoutout), and headed down.

Everyone missed the first big red arrow and didn't turn until after the tracks, but I stopped and got the group in the right space. Then What? a tube? Half way down the first track section was an inner tube. Looked clean and flat. Best pick it up. Who knows. Also no sense in littering. I roll back up catch up to everyone walking over the railroad bridge, I ride it and am w/in this last group. We hit the first side section, I help navigate a bit, a good intro to how the course is marked for everyone, and then help a few with a sand bypass that skips a super fun but super sketchy downhill and some sand stuff, and by doing that found the best 'whoops' around, like no need to pedal perfectly spaced pump track. So fun.

We all gathered to re-group at Waterfront Drive and headed on to the next section, the road  transfer. One of the few.

Yeah this ride isn't RdR level lots of road linking single track. This is lots of single track linked with a little bit of road. Syl had caught us by then and I took point and he agreed to drop back for now to ride sweep. we had a pretty large group at that point. Maybe half? 18-20 or so riders.

We hit the secret trail behind the park off Pawtucket Ave, cut through the neighborhood and over to the trails in Hunts Mills. At the fresh stuff along the creek/reservoir run off, I took some folks around to skip the rocky section. We got to the parking lot on the Seekonk side north of the road and Jack M had a flat. We waited for the stragglers to make it and Jack changed the flat, and my big Zefal HPX 4 got its first use. After a few minutes of socializing we sent everyone on. Soon Jack was back in biz and we headed off to catch up. And we did. To the tail end of everyone. Until we hit Jim with a flat tire.

He urged us not to wait but Jack wasn't having any of it and I was good with hanging and well, that turned out to be good. His spare tube wasn't holding air and that one that I picked up (Jim actually saw it fall out and the guy who dropped it said 'I have another one' and kept riding) worked. And he used the frame pump.

While that was happening Giulia and David rode up, truly riding sweep. Once Jim was underway we got our shit together and the five of us headed out. Only to join up with Softswerve and Syl and a couple others trying to figure out what to do with her bike and the broken fork. Like cracked ALMOST in half at the fork crown. Like Fuck that's BAD broken. Giulia and Softswerve walked out and made it to G's place to get a different bike for her to ride and finish the route, the rest of us headed onwards. Eventually we wound up catching up with the Chapman crew in the cemetery. Headed around up to the north section. Played in the sand there. Used the frame pump again maybe? Getting hazy about the middle use of the pump.

Hit the tracks and headed south. Syl and I had been taking turns riding sweep now that we'd lost the official sweep riders with the broken fork. David B helped a bit but he wound up being somewhere in the middle most of the time. Riding sweep isn't always the most fun, you're not riding your pace, but it is rewarding and gives you a nice sense of purpose, even if it means getting to the end of the ride 2+ hours after the leader. Yeah. Graham was on the money saying it would take some people over 4 hours to do the ride. I think we maybe did it in under 4 but my Garmin crapped out and didn't record the file so WHO KNOWS. Damn technology. It was pretty uneventful. The Chapman gang was def on a more relaxed pace, chilling and regrouping for a bit, quite a bit. But it def made it more social and fun and relaxed and was awesome. At one point Mitch got a flat. Took a bit to change, tire wasn't seating well, I actually took over to try and get it set up right. He didn't have a pump, but did have a tube. That took a while. The mosquitos found us and I figured everyone was long gone, we were going to improvise and backtrack to the bike path to catch up, but just as we decided to do that Syl shows up. They were all waiting for us on the tracks. And off we went into the scrub zone sand and the last root section and then through the farm field and back to G&G's house.

We ate some food, hung out, Burke even had time to ride home, shower, change clothes and bikes and get back before we rolled in.

It was a good time. It was a great ride. I guess it is a positive sign when everyone asks if we can do it again and soon. People made new friends, got to know others better and some just had a kick ass fun day on the bike that benefited a really important 100% volunteer run organization.

I think we'll do it again soon.

Heddwch,
G

If the plan doesn't work,

"If the plan doesn't work, change the plan, but never the goal."

Frustrating day. In many ways. Not in others, end result I kind of didn't get anything substantially accomplished, made more work for myself and well...  got pretty frustrated for a while.

Instagram story caught the begining.

So short version, much like the passat and not really realizing that the problem was simply a started, not a clutch and going ahead with removing everything to take the transmission off and ordering all the parts only to really find the only thing wrong was the starter, well, I assumed the waterpump was dead. Symptoms seemed to fit it. Granted the hose had split, was blowing coolant out. Finding the clear reservoir empty, and filling it back up seemed logical that the pump was done.

The waterpump in all the diagrams and tutorials I saw showed it down in the bottom, easy to get to corner, no problem.

It wasn't there. It was the hardest place to get to.

I decided to drain the coolant though, didn't want to make a mess, not much came out. I should have seen that as - hey dumbass, you are wrong.

But nah, I drained it. Then took the waterpump out.

Obviously it was in perfect condition. no problem. The gasket wasn't though. I needed a new one. But I also discovered that the lower water pump pipe was so corroded that it was leaking. Oh that's new, as in not good. Hmm I wonder how long that's been going on. Shit I wonder how long the fucking radiator has been low.

Leading into it the night before I was woken up at 2:45 and subsequently went to pick up a freaked out kid from a sleepover a little while after that. Sure Sure coulda left them there to teach em a lesson but there were too many unknowns and i was awake at that point. Kind of disrupted that night and then it got busy and it has still been a long week. Original plan was to get this car done early, head to work or the bike shop.

I fell back asleep, was out cold, dreaming and everything until the kids came in at 10:15 and woke me up asking if i was going into work today.

Woops.

Coffee, moved the empty garbage and recycling cans in, moved the van into position.

more coffee, time to gather all the various bits and air compressor, jack, tools, from their spots all over the place (yeah i don't have a garage)...  get started...  get to that point, wife comes home early (summer hours, close at 1 on fridays) i head off to return the new waterpump (yeah yeah i should have just replaced it but the one in there had a more substantially attached impeller than the replacement and well, i figured I could get the $3 gasket at one of the dozen autopart stores around, they all have the pump instock. and besides I needed that lower metal pipe and the upper hose...  and another gallon of unmixed coolant blah blah)

drove around, all the way to pawtucket where they supposedly had one but nope. could have made a gasket, nope, don't want to risk fucking it up and having to do it all over again.

got home, put the new hoses on, removed and cleaned up the overflow container, put it back on and put the front wheel back on and put everything away.

Then i realized I haven't eaten anything all day. Oddly not hungry all day. weird. or normal.

I didn't get the Crockett cleaned for tomorrow. I'm riding there, will get me an extra hour or so on the bike, will head home, get the part, get some more di water, i mean distilled not DeIonized water, and wrap that up tomorrow with luck.

My plans haven't been working lately, but the goal hasn't really changed.

RRRR is tomorrow. I'm going to be distracted, focused on the amount of shit i need to do, the lack of keeping up with the building of bikes, the pressing need to build the bikes to cover all the added expenses, juggling the rest of it all. There's a lot going on, I'm just hoping i can escape with everyone and ride and stuff tomorrow.

So yeah things are turning around, kind of. Back off the sauce. That brief return my eyes were getting worse, harder to see/focus, and a few other physical issues I noticed, just slow, tired but more than just tired. Now I'm just tired, and my eyes are almost back. All good things. But I'm anxious, to be honest, about how to deal with any social situation anymore. That being said in the open, well, plans change, the goal is still to have fun right? That original plan really doesn't work, although it is kind of fun, there's def a release and an activation with the first couple beers/vodka sodas, but as crazy as it sounds a couple times this week, I felt the same, identical, feeling, it was strange but weird and kind of cool.

All I gotta do now is get my shit together and start riding. But this week has been more pedaling time, esp looking at tomorrow, than in many many many... 

i am tired and tomorrow is going to be early, esp if i'm going to get my shit together in time not to be late. I'd tossed around the idea of maybe attaching the crockett to the rack on the Crossrip+ just to cut the time down getting there but gave up on the idea. Just gonna get there under my own power, slow as can be but I'll get there.

I'll probably buy a cup of coffee, and sit down and wait for everyone to roll up/show up. Unless I'm late... 

gotta remember the sunscreen. if i don't forget the sunscreen it will be the first time this year I've put any on. I got a bit too much sun on Thursday marking the course but no burn. Tomorrow will be more time in the sun, we'll see if I remember, or if I'll just be nursing a sunburn for a couple days.

be well

heddwch
G

Unpacking

There was a bit there in that last one eh?

The timing of AB's suicide shook me a bit to be honest. Spent the day yesterday kind of in a huge fog. Major introspection I suppose. Folks that reached out - thanks, but one thing a few twitter threads helped to understand more clearly about myself. If you ask if someone like me, probably AB and a lot of others, they are going to decline the offer. Lots of reasons that don't make sense unless you're that very narrow type of person. Adam Myerson even had a tweet that hit it pretty square on. https://twitter.com/AdamMyerson/status/1005216169941504001?s=19  I def don't feel like I'm spreading the light but I will acknowledge that while I sometimes feel like a self centered asshole I do most everything for reasons not mine. Adam def correct, empaths are strange and if you're not one you won't ever get it. But still some of the more accurate reasons for declining like i said tend to be a variation of Embarrassment, Pride, Shame, Selfreliance. "I can do it, just not right now." Offers we get and we know are from the best places, too generous, can't be accepted. Often if we can't do it ourselves we're not deserving of accepting the help...  maybe "we're" deserving, but being and feeling it are not the same and I usually don't think i'm deserving of it.  This was one of the other threads, can't find the other one at the moment https://twitter.com/sheilakathleen/status/1005116845240848385?s=19

And these fogs and waves come and go.  Some times far more intense and unexpected and once they settle little things that are normally dealt with are inconsequential, and then all the lingering deeper shit we normally can pack away or manage come to the surface. The feedback loop is really really fucked up. For some people. And then sometimes you have a couple weeks like I just did.

Yeah I admire those who say "just flip the switch" and can do it. I can't.

But I'm also to the point where I know enough that I can find the light and hang on and get through it.

myself.

The car thing is overhanging. Still haven't fixed the waterpump. I miss the days of close friends that it never felt like an imposition to see if people wanted to get together to fix the car. Was thinking about that this morning. That social side of self-reliance. I can fix it. But when. Then the pressures mount and the second job, the activities. The anxiety of today and getting everything done and people where they needed to be wound up sorting itself out.

Turned into: Not a problem. Once it did I was able to relax a little more, I spent the whole night thinking, not sleeping much, or just in a high functioning somewhat concious sleep space. I was going to head to the shop, but words were propagating in my head and i figured fuck it - I need to get them out, I'll get to work when I do. If i get home later and have to do grocery shopping before dinner? so be it. That or we wing it and I go shopping in the morning. Not going to worry about it.

For a change.

The van will get fixed and we'll be a one car family until it is. We'll get everything done, the oldest has planned her 18th birthday, a dinner out with her closest friends, considering I don't even remember mine I don't feel too bad, they are an adult and as long as they are having fun, and that group of kids has fun and is very supporting of each other.  Yeah - no memory of my 18th but my 19th was a surprise party thrown by my GF and i didn't know it was a surprise or a party until everyone was there and were totally in a state of shock wondering why I wasn't cluing in on why everyone was there - it was awkward.

Bonus for waiting this long to ride in to work at the shop today is the bike path gets pretty empty even on the best days during the lunch 'hour' esp along the stretch from my house to the squantum place where I head north. Same when it is time to head home usually.

I still haven't called my dad. But then he hasn't called me either.

The dogs are here right next to me, both sleeping peacefully and I think would probably prefer that I just stay here and hang out with them all day and live the dog life of sleeping and being lazy.

I did wind up finally finishing book 7, Persepolis Rising.  No resolution, guess we wait till book 8 to find out what happens.

Not sure I'm going to finish Children of Time by Adrian T. just can't seem to get into it, besides - i'm not a fan of giant super smart spiders.

Plenty to do besides read now that i've been able to finish that book.

Like get my ass out the door (lunch is already packed, just gotta put shoes on and helmet and head in.

I think i'll do that, get some bikes built, not stress on how fast I'm building them and just get it done, and do what I can do at a slower pace, a recovery pace.

heddwch
G

Survived

Sort of. Kind of.

That weekend.

My mother was correct, I'm still struggling with some deep emotions about the weekend and the event and how to process it and it is a significant undercurrent that I really don't know what to do with or really where to find it inside. There's a knot of emotions, kind of a big one, one of the threads is my oldest kid's graduation. They are special, unique and I'm intensely proud of them. But also as familiar I feel a bit of a stranger in some respects. Then again I have a similar stranger relationship with my father. Sure, I know him, pretty well, but I don't know him. Not like my brother's do.

I started writing here to share Peter's story. Everyone's read it by now but I thought by going back to a time when we read something on the internet and shared it on our web logs, not twitter or Facebook.

https://cyclingtips.com/2018/06/lost-and-found-painful-memories-of-a-bike-tour-that-shaped-two-lives/

So yeah. I just finished reading that. It is pushing 5pm, the emails from while I was out of the office have almost all been replied to, unfortunately every one requires additional responses and I'm tired.

Big weekend

So this weekend if a big one.

Felt the need to share this little anecdote. Ran through the social platforms. Don't want to have the wrong people see it, wanted to hit the audience that would get it.

Ahhh the old Dusty web log.

So I'm attaching two photos.

Not sure what order this platform will put them in. I'm doing dishes and don't see much of what the in laws bought at Shaw's. But we'll they need "their" stuff for breakfast. And yeah if not T2DM carrying and using a glucose meter is enough to paint picture.

Years and years. Discussions, evidence, anecdotes, science.

This is breakfast. The whole milk is for making ice cream, lattes, and Mac and cheese, and occasionally drinking.

At least I have a few minutes to cook dinner while everyone is out at the moment.

Frustrating but even more since this is here in my house now.

Oh well. Let's just keep everyone as happy and non confrontational as possible.

Back to making food for tonight and listening to Frank Turner radio on Pandora.

Heddwch,
G 

(PS had to add photos with browser in desktop mode from the tablet - not the crappy app - but they are here..... )

Hey Y'all

It has been a very long while.

Why?

dunno. no good answer. But maybe like all the breaks I take, they are designed to shed the hangers on, not the die hahds.

Life's strange. You know this. Anyone reading this has probably a few years on me or if not, you'll get there soon and know what I'm talking about.

My path is different.

Being different fucking sucks.

It means you can totally derail your day thinking about the fight you had with another kid in 6th grade and how all you want to do is find his all star athlete high school glory day fat ass and punch him square in the face.

But I won't. It won't fix anything. Won't help me. If i make it another decade or two it will just bother me the way the initial stuff does.

Things keep adding up, unaccounted variables. I try to keep doing what I can do, try to keep striving to be the best I can, falling short means I am hard on myself. no one else gives a shit if i do well or not, get it done well or not. The razor edge of my awareness. Uninfluenced by others, for good but mostly failing to meet my own standards, or the standards I see others seemingly easily achieve.

First blog back shouldn't be this, but it is. I've spent a couple months not drinking, absolutely no change, didn't lose weight, didn't feel any different, wasn't quite a tired, had a couple xtra dollars in my wallet (that I spent on burritos from Bagel Gormet) but no net positive change.

Not the best eh?

Could be worse.

Always could be worse.  And i'm still guilty and grateful that it isn't, but each of our burdens are our own, this is mine,

maybe I'll write more, more reuglarly.

but I might not, someone might make fun of my shitty spelling

heddwch
G

Keynote-Talk with Frank Turner @ m4music 2017

I should use more words

But listen to this:

https://youtu.be/WB3IQMZm7CQ

this mother fucker gets it...

an absolute inspriration to me growing up...

his words, his novels...

i've been thinking a lot about that dude who died, the story i posted yesteday, if i spoiled it for you i'm sorry, i read it with hope that his ginger ass would succeed, but he didn't. Fueling. not enough fat, too many carbs.

life...

live like the inuits...  Mowat's whole convention...  if we don't we're doomed. And pretty much I can't disagree with him, we are.

still. even more so maybe in light of the politics of this fucked up nation we live in...

I should try and sleep, but oddly want to write, after listening to one of the absolute pillars of my formative years talk.

I do what i do. it is what it is. It is really for others. and hopefully i'll come to terms with it...  some day...

heddwch
G

Still here

it has been a while, i know...

much to say, maybe soon. I almost wrote about the ride on sunday, maybe I will.

Things are different, busier than i could ever imagined, but fulfilling in a different way than before.

More alone and isolated but the introvert side is relishing it, and the absence of CX race socialization was surprisingly not missed... 

I took a bit more time than I should have and read this. Start to finish.

Fucking hell the New Yorker has long articles.  This one was worth it, esp since I didn't know how it ended... 

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/02/12/the-white-darkness

I'll be back, sooner maybe? I miss writing, even if it just the act of doing a web log centered around me. I mean what's the importance of me? That said there were moments of reading that essay that reminded me of the days of just trying to get to the 100 mile mark. Or riding all day in shitty weather, low on fuel and just trying to get home so I can stop. Riding through the heat of the summer with empty bottles hoping to get home before the worst happens. Incredibly minor personal threats, but being stubborn and wanting to finish alone and unassisted is kind of the same mental state.

Maybe that's where i'm at now, working more than ever for the same pay check but deliberately pushing on because that's what I do?

and I'm still at work... 

wrapping up or i'll never escape.

i hope the ice has melted. studded tire bike is at home...

heddwch
g

Ugh

Everyone said "go to the cross race, you'll really regret it if you don't, you need to connect with friends"

Dumbest idea ever, waste of an afternoon. I don't regret hanging with those I was able to, seeing and reconnecting with good friends, more failure of other aspects.

I'm on sick a negative headspace right now that I should stop before I say more.

But I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more than disappointment from some people who I have everything to.

Should have stayed home.

Now to make dinner.