The break for giving thanks holiday

Except it seems to have co-opted into something not that.

Mood's been back more in flux lately. Good moments, bad moments, overwhelmed moments.

I'd comment on Supercross Cup but well - what can I say - it looked fun I wish i was in shape to have been there to race super stoked for Jane to have a podium break through. She's been really focused lately and this is pretty huge for a totally unsponsored (aside from a few race fees because she's collegiate). She could do well, her bike handling is really solid, and she's figuring the rest of the stuff out.

Thom's Dirtwire coverage is ridiculously good. Super pumped to have had that.

I wonder how Myles fared talking to the venue on Monday. Is supercross going somewhere else next year?

I am not going to say anything else about the race - don't want to be sucked down a rabbit hole of unresolved and difficult emotions.

I haven't touched the CX bike since Fruitlands. Probably won't get to it until Friday. 4 weeks. I sprayed it off but still a handful of dried on cleaned grass. I did toss some lube on the chain, hopefully it is okay. Although I'm not going to go back to gears this year. Likely signing up for NBX to race the 40+, but mostly to see how long I can hang out riding the single speed before getting lapped. Lantern Rouge! No where to go but up, eh? Can't get much slower. But hopefully I can turn this around. Going to help set up, use up the two vacation days i'll lose on Thursday and Friday running around helping Matt and the rest of the NBX crew get set up.

Oh and the van is all fucked up again. Weeeee. Symptoms are consistent with a known fuel pump relay fault. If no recall though I'm on the hook. Although the same TIPM is installed on a huge range of Chrysler vehicles, only a handful have been recalled, for fuel pump failure. The TIPM is just a fancy fuse box but with permanently attached electronics and non-replaceable relays. There's a fix, I'll see what I can do about getting it working on Thursday. Looking to drive the Volvo till then. At least that one is somewhat reliable.

I'm kind of bummed about how the cars getting fucked up and needing shit disrupts my mood.

I rode less in October and November this year than i did last year. That's nuts. I guess last year I was riding my new CX bike a couple days a week in the woods. It was great. Somehow I've gotten even busier this year?

Sober thanksgiving is going to be really strange. I did a great job not getting blasted last year, until I got home. We'll see how this holiday goes. It'll be fine and I'm not worried about it. But I guess the VA in-laws were worried. We're only going down for a couple days and I am not drinking, OMG WHAT IS WRONG IS EVERYTHING OKAY HOLY SHIT DO WE NEED TO EMPTY THE HOUSE OF BOOZE OR NOT DRINK AROUND HIM? Alarm bells and panic was caused by the suggesting that my SIL's MIL not give me the usual 12 pack of Yuckling wrapped up for christmas...  Hey thanks for the support, yeah that's great. Means a lot. /sarcasm

I've been catching up on a ton of stuff here - seems odd - still catching up. Here as in work as in doing stuff I have been putting off because I'm too busy or instead of doing it while eating lunch I'm writing a few words down. Which is i suppose okay instead of not taking a lunch break and just working from when i walk in until i leave. Checking twitter while I'm waiting for computers to restart or hardware to sync. Twitter's good for that - finding a good balance on there that is better for me. Avoiding FB pretty much as much as I can.

tomorrow's going to be 'fun' it will be good but it will be busy and we'll rush around until it is time to go home then sit there with not much. Guess I have a book still to read. Bike stuff to get ready for and wood to shift around. Plenty to do. Oh and the car to work on.

At least the forecast is moderating a little. only supposed to be 13F tomorrow morning and 11F on friday. Good temps for working on the car on Friday. Oh yeah. Well it is going to get warmer than that - how much? we'll see - would be nice to have a garage to do this work in, but such is life.

Okay - i'll write happier better shit with good stories sometime. For now I'm just using it as it was meant to be - super low traffic under the radar long form get shit out of my head.

heddwch
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so strange

state of mind now

 sinus infection has kicked in a little, hopefully it stays out of the lungs - fact/observation - not related or strange. Also got the flu shot today, sure it is a racket and companies stand to make millions and millions on the shot, all for some scientific wild ass guess cocktail of non-infectious strains. But hey - figure they change it every year - just adds to the catalog of familiarity that my immune system has....  can't find a good argument against it.

Did the wellness thing while I was at it. Numbers are good, people are crazy. Did accidentally get into a discussion, asking the "choose healthy sugar" lady if her pancreas could tell the difference between sugar from fruit or added or refined sugar. She kind of fell back on the but the fruit is better for you line of bullshit, and I said Type 2 diabetes is still diabetes.

Was reading more of that new book. So good. More thinking. So bad.

Alone. Me.

going to let this one simmer tonight before posting.

=---=---=

and so i let it simmer - did a bit of a rescue of someone stranded in the snow last night, never got to this yesterday morning, haven't read much since then.

I forget where i was headed with the alone part - except that I need to be alone but also not alone - kind of the typical shy introvert that craves contact with sympathetic and friendly humans.

Just got fucking derailed and chewed out. Nothing significant but still enough to take a pretty okay day and destroy everything I've worked at building up over the last few days.

I did at least get the Gallery stuff submitted before that happened.

Fuck...

No bike racing this weeekend...

Riding in this morning was like dumping a slurpee over each foot with each pedal stroke.

The low bottom bracket plus the rain saturated snow and pouring rain meant the wave off of the front tire on the bike path was soaking my feet.

I didn't put on winter cycling shoes, or shoe covers. My feet were fucking COLD.

And the gloves I grabbed, i have only used them in the cold, they work for that. They DO NOT work in the rain. They filled up with water, nice cold water. trapped the water in like it keeps the air out. Kind of wetsuit style I guess. But it was not good.

Managed to make it without any lingering issue and everything is dry right now for changing and getting dressed and riding back home.

Fuck...

still really bothered by the issue - assured it would all be okay and not a problem but I could have handled it better and am just sad angry and pissed and 'derailed' is a good way to put it.

oh well...

heddwch
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Identify the problem

feel pretty shitty that it is a problem, so trivial, mope about it for a bit, but now that it is identified well DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Can I do something about it? Not without a massive cascade of negative impacts on other people. Am I willing to do that?

Nope.

Sulk...

look for options... none

Suck it up big boy, time to move on and try to make the best of what you've delt yourself.

Deep breath, lets get shit together and make stuff happen.

Although since nothing is really changed - the chance this will repeat again is absolutely assured. Maybe next time I'll have better mental tools. After all, life is about adding to the tool chest. A hammer and a screw driver can get a lot done, but it doesn't take long to realize if you're even partly aware that they might work, but they're doing as much collateral damage as fixing.

yeah - got out of the shower (late blah blah blah - i'll be at my first appointment on time and I've already gone through the emails) and brain was in good head space.

Maybe from thinking about the gallery show coming up at the end of January and logistics and trying to figure out how to get some demo dissecting scopes to complete the whole process of scale perception.

time to pedal. unfortunately - gonna have to take the assist, but it is a very welcome option for days like today!

heddwch
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a passage in the book

It is a good book. Deals with a huge range of sexuality, gender and future and strangeness but well crafted so far. As a set up Soq is non-binary, gender neutral, they/them/their. Confusing for some old timers who aren't used to those words being singular pronouns.

Three-quarters of the way out the Arm, Soq stopped at a noodle stand. This one had little stools and a tarp on each side to keep some of the wind off. Soq was swallowed up in clouds of hot steam smelling of five-spice powder. Home was noodles. Home was food and warmth. Soq paid, took a stool, shut their eyes, and meditated on the moment, its beauty, its peace. The coldness of the wind and the warmth of the food and the fact that everyone eventually dies. Letting go of everything they did not have, every ugly thing they’d seen, every moment of pain they’d felt that day, the day before, every day to come.

Kind of a good meditation side of things eh?

I think perhaps there's some space for some meditation beyond what happens on the bike. Because that sometimes is meditative, sometimes the opposite.

Snapshots

That is what this is, remember. Moments.

Tailwind on the way home in the dark. The charge indicator on the headlight turned green literally about 2 seconds before I unplugged it.

Felt good on the bike.

Missing the bike.

Thought quite a bit more on the way home.

Got home, started working on dinner. Turned some music on. let it displace all the negative shit and just focused on cooking.

Felt much better. Dinner isn't what I planned, but it isn't terrible. The chicken wound up more Moroccan than Mexican, but on the salad it still works. Tasty.

I got thinking about the sausage tent sausage and stuff... lead me to think about how I never manage to show enough appreciation for somethings and excessive emphasis on stupid inconsequential shit. Shouldn't be a bit surprise esp since there's very little normal about me, normal/conventional/whatever.

okay - gonna do some reading i think... i could clean up but that takes too much energy, and it is at the where do I start point and if I start how do i stop and I just can't. So i'm going to read.

heddwch
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waffling

Feeling pretty okay and functional.

Something really dumb derails me and I'm back down being miserable.

At least over the last 24 hrs or so it has been feeling a little better and better but still - like just now woosh onto the waffle iron, ouch

below the fold TL:DR "up and down and hopefully more up than down by the end of it"

yeah - it is monday

I'm more rested thanks to the early coffee cessation yesterday. And to DiPinto for drinking part of the pot I made at the shop while teaching the bike maintenance class.

I was dead tired early. Couldn't keep eyes open at 6pm. Struggled through making dinner, got in bed just after 8, read a little more, fell asleep.

Man was I off yesterday. Way way way off. Not much better today. Saw this earlier today and though yeah kind of right.

Depression is like airplane mode, but for people.

— Brandon (@brandonlgtaylor) November 11, 2018

Can't really sort it out, just have to keep working on getting everything done.

Ride tomorrow is cancelled, not just because it is raining all day but that certainly makes it easier. now to figure out what to do with the day - probably just be back here catching up on stuff could be doing in the few minutes I'm writing this.

Not even quite sure how to describe it, chemically it is probably just nothing is firing in any of channels. Hey welcome to my world. Maybe this is still part of the re-adjustment to being with out the ETOH chemical influence and the downstream metabolites. Lets go with that. And stick with that I guess as the going plan and keep pushing through.

At least I'm recovered almost completely from that last cold. Tiny bit of nose stuffiness. Kind of wish I could clear out one of the days of the week when the weather isn't shitty but yeah, no dice.

Maybe I can scrounge a few hours anyway.

Also thinking about the bikes. Yeah I have that sweet Klein Qunatum Pro, and I love that bike, I like just seeing it hanging in the bike room. But riding it, not so much, maybe care too much for it, or the shit on there is old, the levers just don't feel super comfortable... The dead CX bikes were at least really good road bikes. until the cranks fell off. The white blue is trainer ready but not road ready (brakes) still down a crank on the black blue. The paramount needs a new fork, and the Crockett is an awesome CX bike but it sure ain't much for road and I'd have to change tires. But a road bike with only a 34t chainring kind of sucks. I made a 40t work for a year, but that was pretty spinny.

I took the orange tank out saturday, the big surly 1x1. lovely tall gear perfect for around here, good for riding on the road alone, not so much with others. Ah well.

plugging through, trying to make it work, life is crazy, for everyone yeah?

Time for lunch - writing in fits and starts probably reads pretty terribly - fortunately there aren't many reading it.

heddwch
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Figures

Best laid plans and all that...

Kid was supposed to have an away soccer tournament, no one to be home with the dogs, no trip to NoHo. Too far for a day trip, but then maybe not, could be fun showing up saturday, not fun driving though. But with that trip and them being gone all weekend I scheduled a Park Tool School Class for Sunday.

Get home, "tournament is cancelled"

so Saturday of sleeping in after they all leave super early, not so much just me hanging out, relaxing, alone, maybe going for a ride - cooking what i want with lots of  mushrooms and stuff and just being here has turned into not that.

Change is fine, it is whatever, kind of would have liked to go to NoHo.

tempered frustration...

sigh...

was going to tweet about it but who cares, can't really complain, no need to complain but i'm still slightly frustrated and what not.

guess i can still get a ride in maybe. Or not? Maybe I'll see if any of the local SOGs want to head out.

BUT WHAT BIKE DO I RIDE? Depends on who comes out to ride I guess.


Anyway - I started a bit about art and stuff after watching the movie on Wed. I had wanted to go to the Nature lab opening reception but schedule conflicts and stuff.

Oh well things are what they are and will be...

Still, it would have been fun to be at NoHo this weekend.

heddwch
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Harmony

I avoided everything last night. As much as I could.

Yes I voted. I took my oldest to vote. First election for them. Pretty sure they will never miss another election. That is the future.

I would have loved to see Beto win. But a long shot is a long shot and to be that close speaks volumes. Should be seen as a positive.

here’s the video of beto saying “i’m so fucking proud of you” if anyone needs a new alarm tone pic.twitter.com/mkApPHjW9W

— Adam J. Kurtz (@adamjk) November 7, 2018

Case in point.

Florida is gonna Florida. Another twitter gem was this.

I swear Florida could be voting between ice cream and a kick to the head and the results would be 50.5%-49.5%.

— Benjamin Park (@BenjaminEPark) November 7, 2018

I mean absolutely right on it seems. Riding in I was thinking, well if sea level rises what happens to Florida? Thinking this as I'm riding along a handful of feet above sea level on a bike path that would be gone before, or along with, Florida was less than fun of a thought, but then again, RI isn't flat and while a good bit of it might melt away, the smallest state would just become smaller.

Georgia? Well Stacy hasn't conceded, I hope she doesn't and maybe there's a recount and shit changes there but, yeah, that's a long shot, not quite worth being optimistic about. That said progress and challenge is enough to offer hope.

It is good. All this stuff. The flipping of the house, the governor's that did win, Kansas? how about that shit!

It wasn't the overwhelming blue wave but it was a pretty solid wave and more importantly it seems that it has created a foundation for change. The tide is rising a bit. A part of me, while ever hopeful for the full sweep, was worried about it. What the fuck would cheeto and co do if they lost everything, backlash would be insane. Now? they won just enough to feel they did something, heck both sides remain hopeful it seems. That's good. As long as there's a chance the rules won't change too much. And in the two years before the next election maybe some non-republicans can make headway and a name for themselves in some of the red senate states.

I hate to be positive and happy. But, well, you know...  it could be worse, and this really is pretty good - although I still want to punch Nazis and make racists afraid again.

My cold is fading a bit. Although looking forward to trying to be functional tonight I am back to last week coffee intake. At least I'm not blowing my nose every 2 min.

But the day's schedule is already messed up - time to shift stuff around, no more internetting for a bit.

heddwch
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Dischord

Hard core dischord in my heart.
But listening to the catalog at Dischord is good medicine:


The elections - the visual apathy from the white "independent" folks (men) who don't care and see it all as a ridiculous exercise and pointing out that there's no real difference between the R and D parties, they are both corrupt corporate tools with no recourse for real change.

I disagree, esp lately. But there's this lingering frustration. The whole being in a state that is #1 super small, #2 pretty consistently aligned with the Democrats and tucked in a region that is consistent. Not homogeneous, there are plenty of racist douchebros here, and everywhere, and they get bolder with every rally and every FauxNews broadcast.

Le Sigh. Can't vote in the Texas thing, but man I hope Beto can do it. And the governor races in FL and GA. Can I vote in those three elections? No. But man so much hinges on all three races.

And that fucking add that ran during SNF holy SHIT. fuck.

MAYBE THIS ALBUM ON REPEAT

Currently half thinking about driving to Northampton for Saturday just to hang out and see everyone, maybe bring the dogs. It is a long drive to just hang out, esp with so much not getting done at home and winter coming and me having lots of wood to split and stack (and get the seasoned stuff under better cover to dry out the rest of the way). But it would be fun to head up there. Even just to spectate. But it looks like I'll be teaching a bike maintenance class on Sunday the 11th. I may need to elect to stay home and lay low and chill with the dogs while everyone else is out at an away tournament.

But anything beyond staying home is going to be based on getting over this fucking cold. Nose at least isn't running as much as it was yesterday. Holy shit. Maybe side benefit of not drinking is getting over the seasonal cold faster? I think that also may require me getting some more sleep.

or at least catching up on sleep. or both. I've cut back on coffee the last couple days. Not by much but it seemed to help falling asleep last night.

Haven't been on the bike other than the trainer on Saturday. Not today. Kid is coming home from college to vote today. So I drove in to facilitate getting the two of us to the polling place. And then back to the train.

Man I need to ride my FUCKING BIKE.

I've let work creep into my riding time. But then everything else has crept into my riding time, work is just a small part of it.

Oh well. I'll keep working on making time to make time to ride. Maybe I need to do the NECX HOTM challenge again. But perhaps make it a 6 month challenge. Jan-July. Heck maybe it needs to be either two hundos a month or one double. Or two hundos ending with a double in June and July.

Something. Need something/someone to get my butt moving. I'm not doing a good job of self motivating, gotta change that.

Also lately have been reflecting and missing http://ezracaldwell.com/ Thinking about MLFN ... and stuff...

Too much thinking...

Starting last cup of coffee right now. It is noon. Going to be interesting to see if I can make it through the rest of the day w/o any more caffeine.

At least this morning has been a scattered - support - email - organize - fix - advise - morning, conducive to web logging and listening to Dischord's catalog:

heddwch
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moments

moments here and there - sort of patches of sunlight sneaking through the cloud cover to light up the landscape for a few minutes.

mostly gray

I want to re-read The Starship & the Canoe but it is kind of hard to find and not in the digital library - haven't looked for print copies there yet. I read it in high school and parts of it stick with me. Also this one too Baidarka.  I have both in print, hopefully still at home, perhaps one of my brother's read them and they've moved on to another pile of books. Neither are in the shelves that I've hauled around with me. Def going to be looking for them when I head home in December.

Project Orion also looks like a good read too.

This hit home too. Russ shared it on twitter - was good or not good to read. thoughtful and relateable indeed.

Peter's helmet article also very solid. I can't find fault in it other than the red meat bullshit.

I need to head home, grab groceries on the way home. at least enough stuff to supplement what little is left for cooking. never made it to the grocery this weekend, busy doing other stuff.

Non-stop. Lost a vacation day. oh well. doesn't matter.

Halloween was. headed to one of the close friends of the youngest - everyone was drinking, I turned down a pile of beers, easy, no pressure, no problem. Felt right. No longing. Almost at revulsion level now. Esp smelling beer on other people. My how the tables have turned. And that's a good thing, but it will still take a long time for it to be normal for me and for it to not be constantly part of my thought process. something like that gets ingrained and not easy to change.

well, i'm writing instead of leaving to go shopping.

best cut that shit out so dinner is ready before 9pm...

heddwch
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Rough patch

speed bump?

def too much coffee lately...

hey there is only one substance to pour myself into - it isn't going well i guess...

Was just asked, in a very well meaning genuine way, "How was your race this weekend?" And ugh it deflated me like getting dropped on Hillside. If not asked, if not dropped, I can make good headway, this kind of back filled the sails that were already barely making steerage.

I keep wanting to post shit to twitter - or facebook. May just go back to 2006 style blogging, pre-social media. pre-facebook, pre-twitter...  back when there was a blog and Flickr.

Heading in late I got an email today: "I'm here in room 111."
?? I double check the email thread - WEDNESDAY at 9...  I double check the calendar, yeah it is still Tuesday.

Sigh.

last night I see cool photo by someone, taken of cool people with some black and white images hanging... they are 12 min away by car from my house. But i'm mid-making dinner. sort of feeling bad about not finding out or being able to make it down there. but oh well.

Cheshire and Putney are a confirmed no go, same reason Rad racing weekend is also, and NoHo is too.

Maybe Shed park, but so far away.

working through it - process - one foot in front of the other

zombie sleep walk'n

heddwch
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Fruitlands CX + Aftermath

Yeah - that wrecked me. Shortest ride with the most debilitation results.

The good:

• got to hang out with Alan and Sharon B in the reg room and see Gary and John and everyone else (AlecG, CTL. BH, KL, AC, DF, GM, CB...  all yall)
• Tires worked amazingly for the first two laps
• I got lapped and didn't have to do an extra lap
• I was still riding sections that others in my race (lapped me) were forced off
• Food at the food truck was tasty and much needed/appreciated
• Bike worked great
• Weather was awesome for racing
• Uneventful drive there and back, driving home chat with Tom D

The not good:

• Was dropped basically at the start, they had a gap before the first turn, I ran up on them on the run up but then said good bye
• After two laps even the tires stopped hooking up but I kept trying to make them and that was slow
• There was no grass left to ride on by the end of the race
• I got lapped half way through the last lap and got passed by half of the field not counting me.
• Food truck was $20 for not a ton of food, that shit is expensive and I bought it because I know how much Gary and John worked to get at least one food truck at their events.
• Weather was shit for spectating and worse for warming up (so I warmed up running around capturing video - see Twitter and Instagram - it was not a good warm up for pedaling in the mud)
• I got in bed at 8:30pm
• I fell asleep at 9pm
• I am STILL really tired
• Sunday felt like the day after an all drinking saturday

Yeah I guess that's about it.

The course is difficult for me normally with normal fitness. But Saturday I didn't even feel like I could race. I was just pedaling around in  my 34x28 most of the time. I couldn't turn on the turny sections, I could kind of pedal in some of the grippy sections. It was strange.

Needed a warm up, yes. On the bike, Yes. But most likely wouldn't have helped that much. It was a good reminder as to how slow and far behind the fitness curve I am.

After Crosstobeerfest I felt good, but that was flat, it was the end of the day and I felt good.

I didn't feel bad on Saturday, but I was tired, really tired. I keep thinking maybe something is wrong with me, but then I measure what I'm doing, with how long it has been since I was totally rested/recovered. it has been a long time. I'm not living the athlete life.

Eating well enough. Not digging a deeper hole with beer/vodka. Mentally I'm still up and down. But mostly just tired all the time. functional. But tired. Break? Yeah at some point. The schedule isn't looking great right now for racing. But I need a break. Legs are still sore from saturday. Walking all over boston may have not been the best idea for Sunday but it was fun and kept me moving, even if I was in a fog the whole time, hungover w/o the booze. Fighting the cold/sickness that everyone else has had the last week or two is also a factor.

Oh well, resigned.

Now that I have the trainer set up, I'll def get on it and see what I can do to build a bit more fitness going into the last couple races. Although it won't amount to much of anything besides building towards next year.

Struggle still. So much struggle. But I am blessed, I am lucky, things are good, things are going well, the burdens are mine, how to keep me but recover. Trying to keep everyone else afloat isn't easy. The racing is my thing, my time. It is fun, even getting lapped and having no fitness, it is good to be there to see friends. But not 100% of me is happy and that portion that wishes I could race a bit faster, race a bit more, be a bit faster...  That's tough.

Oh well.

I'll keep trying to figure it out. This is kind of one of those days I would have taken a few shots with morning coffee before leaving the house and followed up with one at lunch. It is rough. But it is still not that bad. I've got to keep reminding myself that. It is actually pretty good.

Okay - time to finish lunch, then work on untangling the chaos that comes with running the picture factory...

heddwch
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I did it

I actually got on the trainer.

And it wasn't terrible.

BTW Suntour XC Pro cold forged (110 bcd not micro-drive) 180s are STIFF mofo cranks. No flex on the 50t chainring out of the saddle. Heck the white blue barely moved. That's a stiff bike.

I went back and forth on playlists, couldn't find a good one. Wanted to do the Death Magnetic intervals, it wasn't in my Google Play music online or downloaded on the phone. Well shit, what else, settled on doing a 13 chambers workout. Wugazi. 3-4 min songs, 13 of them. Did a 15 min warmup to some random electronic mix. Then hit the Wugazi and first one high load highish cadence, mostly seated. Steady state for the first song. Recover for the next song, then did 50x11 standing for the next song, recover, repeat first one, recover, standing one, recover until album was over.

Def felt it the rest of the day but unlike racing once, and since I needed to boost recovery I actually downed a quick protein shake after the intervals, ate lunch, then showered and went on with the rest of the day.

I'm feeling it a bit today but not terribly, more good feeling than not.

Also due to chilling in the morning I had less than normal coffee amount and was wiped at 9 and even better slept super well and accidentally fell back asleep this morning (yeah was late) but holy shit it felt good sleeping. Oh so nice. Need more sleeping, maybe this weekend.

Not tomorrow - that's up early and all that - racing early is going to be strange.

But racing at about the same time of day I did the intervals yesterday, was deliberate and it felt good, even if I did them in a totally fasted (just coffee) state.

Got the bike sorted out. All clean and shiny and with gears and the old Rocket Ron tubeless tires. They did not set up as easily or effortlessly as the WTB Nanos did. They bead isn't as tight. But they seem to be holding air, and I topped them up to 40 PSI and rode that bike in today.

A mistake mostly because i was late and realized I haven't gotten sweaty riding to work in a long time, barely even in peak summer. Crossrip+ is a nice commuter bike. REALLY NICE.

And i was late today and there was a headwind.  And I made some breakfast to eat after riding in. That I barely got to eat because i was late because I made food and then left late after sleeping in later than I wanted and rode the bike that takes longer than normal to get here.

That was just fun to write. Kind of silly sure. pointless indeed.

But hey the bike switched over. It has mud tires on there. Perhaps not as legit grip and go as the Limus, but way better than a PDX, and much faster rolling on not mud than the Limus. Also way better than what was on there until yesterday.

And then I put the bike on the DS-1. Park digital scale. 21 pounds.

FUuuuuukc that's heavy.

Most of the weight is the wheels. The bars and stem aren't light, the 105 levers are beefy and the frame is the hugest they make. Most of the weight is the wheels. I did shed close to a pound, all rotating weight but swapping the tires. So that's a good thing. Maybe next year I'll get some super sweet amazing wheels built and designed by the best at an amazing price aka some Trek Aeolus Pro 3s. (gotta stay on brand right?)

From the preview shots and the overhead map the course looks like a good balance from previous years and if we get the weather we're promised it should be fun, even if it is all climbing and I'm likely going to get lapped and be last or almost last.

I debated the 40+ or the 2/3/4 and ultimately went with the former because based on crossresults points I was pretty close to DFL in both and fuck it - lets get it done early. I'll race, try not to get lapped and just have fun slipping and sliding on that hillside. I'm excited about it.

It will be a good distraction from the current politics.

Okay - lunch time is over. Even though I'm not hungry because I ate a big breakfast not long enough ago. Gotta move on to the next thing.

And that's doing something other than this.

At least I got the tires on in the correct rotating direction!

heddwch
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Fruitlands on saturday!

Yeah, kind of almost the worst GeWilli course possible. But hey when you're building fitness, when you're slower than you've been in a while, why not go for the challenge.

Lots of reasons not to. Everyone around me is sick and I'm barely hanging on. Bike has one gear, and that place isn't SSCX friendly. And no, while I contemplated running it as it is, I don't want to run that much. And the gearing is actually pretty mud friendly, and by that I mean low and slow. You only go as fast as your easiest gear. And no - i STILL don't have mud tires on the bike. Should have put them on for Gloucester, should have put them on for CrosstoBeerFest (awesome Dirtwire video up about the race BTW -

There's a good bit of GeWilli footage in there.

And I'm tired. BUT you know it is promoted by a couple of great guys. Kalon cross wasn't terrible but it was and it wasn't. Yes I've raced it before, kind of enjoy it I suppose. Although I'm getting tired of driving up to exit 27 or whatever it is for all these races. But that's not a bad thing. I know where I'm going mostly. In this case head to Bolton Orchards, turn right and drive around some more.

I've been getting a pile of emails asking about the class I'm teaching in the spring. Yeah, I teach people here at the Ivy towers, as Solobreak liked to heckle me about. That's pretty blah for me but i guess it is kind of cool to have a pretty high demand unique class that some of the brightest kids in the country want to take. Not many legacy kids make it to the level of microscope class. Anyway - i have to add that to the pile of stuff. Syllabus, registrar, overrides, interviews, guest lectures, samples, ordering foldscopes, arranging gallery viewing of their stuff. There's a good pile of everything else that didn't get done while I was working with the folks from PDX on the microscope.

BUT

I moved a training session from this morning to tomorrow morning and have taken a day off.

Vacation day. Use two by the end of the month or lose them both.

I might be losing one. Oh well. Better than losing two.

Stuck in bed with my pack. One 50# hot pad pressed as tightly against my side as she can, sleeping, the other curled up like a furry doughnut happy as hell to be sleeping on the comfy bed in proximity to me. I have a good pack. These two are pretty special. Nice and warm too.

Making it tough to get up and wash the Crosstobeerfest mud off the bike and clean up the wheels so I can change the tires and gears.

I kind of also want to get the White blue franken bike revival on the trainer and put some effort in the legs. Need to hit the grocery store too...  and need more coffee.

The world seems to be going to hell, or at least this country is. Having the dogs to hang out with, a race to focus on, work to keep me busy and engaged if slightly burnt out and exhausted, not bad. Waffle between feeling good and not happy, oddly maybe it is having the day off, still being in bed with the dogs relaxing and letting it all go for a few minutes is good.

I worked to make sure I didn't have any cross-over with jerry on twitter last night - still tempted to go through and block all his other accounts in retaliation but whatever... it is part of the re-evaluation. How to figure out moving on, maintaining who I am and striving to be a more positive supportive person everywhere, not just in person but on the social medias and all that.

I need another cup of coffee and it isn't going to make itself. but man is it nice and warm under the covers with this sleeping dog on top of them. So snuggly.

 Yeah yeah, no dogs in bed. But they are so cute and they really like it.

And they are only 50#, and yeah they shed a TON. and this white one snores like me after drinking a bottle of vodka.

Formatting is a bit odd, not having a computer to write this and compose like normal. Oh well.

But back to the top, Fruitlands. It is hard. It is a Litka race. Running and hills. Elevation change and fitness.

I have dropped a handful of pounds lately. These sporadic races combined with running low on calories frequently have started to make an impact. My skinny pants fit better now. Not bad.

But I am still drinking way more coffee than I should, flip side? I'm still falling asleep easily and sleeping well. So I'll cut back when i have a real vacation or something. IE NEVER.

At least the sun is coming out. Should make it more tolerable to play with the hose and brushes and clean off the bike. Then get on the trainer, should have done it yesterday to allow more recovery for Saturday but I'll take it easy tomorrow.

I'll stop rambling now. Mostly all this is who cares. Good to have an inanimate object to talk to about stupid stuff - aka the web log.




heddwch
G

Baby steps

With $7 I got the white blue set up for the trainer.

Need to swap the brakes or put on Travel Agents if I want to ride it and have brakes that work. But for now, It can pedal, it has a gear range that should make the fluid trainer actually put up some resistance (even if I had a thru-axle adapter the 34T on the crockett is much too low for anything other than racing CX - even then...)

Seriously. 34-11, me...  mr big chainring guy. I laugh every time I look at it. I can forget about it in Singlespeed mode but still... super funny. Although it is helping to prove that tiny chainrings wear out chains ridiculously fast.

Okay so I dug out the Suntour XC Pro 180 crankset. It had a 38 inner ring on it and I had a worn but not too much 50t to go with it. Grabbed a whole bar and stem off a Pilot 2.1 that was being tossed (too rusty), bars a narrow but it is for a trainer, who cares. And boom, in business.

Well as soon as I pull out the trainer and actually attempt to ride it.

Motivation slipped.

Looks like this weekend may be Parents weekend solo trip up to boston on the train to see the kid.

I was even thinking about putting gears back on and riding Fruitlands again. That 34T would have been great. Although likely need to change tires, or at least change the rear tire before that.

That was just the preamble, when am I going to race again?

Secret Squirrel?

That sheet I made up with the potential dates goes from Fruitlands with a big question mark (it is hilly, I'm big, I don't go up hill well, I'm still not in great shape) to Secret Squirrel to NBX to Ice Weasels.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.

Fuck.

One race in november?

Fucking hate the front loaded calendar. I wish everything wasn't so far away this past weekend. But I needed the time. Sunday was pretty low key, I did make it to the shop, but only built two bikes before tackling the White Blue project.

Too much shit building up here though. I'm looking at my emails. It is crazy how in the hole I am. It is at the point where it is overwhelming. And I felt overwhelmed on Monday last week, a week later and it is even worse.

AND IT WAS FUCKING COLD THIS MORNING...  WHAT HAPPENED TO FALL? It was fucking HOT, now it is FUCKING COLD...

I suppose I'd be less grumpy if I actually dug into the winter clothes and wore some of that stuff.

Oh well.

Seasons change, time to move on.

heddwch
G

Films are cool

I was feeling pretty blah this morning. Tired, overwhelmed by what needed to get done, feeling wiped from going nonstop.

I made another coffee, and while surfing the twitter on the little pocket computer that rarely gets used as a phone, the Northbound film caught my eye in a Stevil post. It is a skating film. I don't skate.

But I had an idea, I've got this fucking new TV thing (months old now) it is attached to the internet, so I cued up Vimeo, watched it there. Fucking amazing.

Hmm lets watch something else.

For some reason https://vimeo.com/295233741 caught my eye.

Longish, but so good.

cascade of thoughts started swelling. Motivation found maybe? But more something along the lines of calm and perspective.

I tried to sleep in a bit this morning, to rest up. Not so successful. But I also needed time to recharge a bit. Watching though, it is okay to keep going, the process he applies, works for us all. The more we do something the better we get at it and the more we can do as we get better. But fun.

Finding the fun. Wed night for some reason was more fun. Finally coming into enough form that I am finding it again. I mean it was always there, always. But hiding under layers.

It is good not to be racing today. That added stress, even if not stress, the added busy, the going, the preparation. Letting go for a few minutes, relaxing the brain and the body.

Recovery.

The last couple weeks have been a literal grind. Mid week races aren't easy but packed in the middle of some intense training session on the scope, very long days. Even more work piling up as I focus on that stuff def not helping.

Extra talk and discussion about "why are you doing that job? you'd be amazing doing this job!" I don't have an answer.

But that video helped something click. The cinematography, the vistas, the ethic, the success.

My plan for this year was to get back into the racing groove, to rediscover the fun and the will to train and get better. I'm making progress. The long plan was to build for the following years, to link it together. To pile a few races together, use them as an involuntary build for next year. Go into the winter with a step or two ready to attack the smackdowns.

I've been keeping the Bruce Lee words about water, be water, I think i've twisted them a bit but flow around the obstacles, adjust course, keep moving, be the river.

I can't be anyone but me, I don't ski, I don't skate. I ride a bike. I ride many different bikes. But mostly I identify with CX.

Since 1996....  not that long ago it feels, but emperically a lot has happened between then and now. To the bikes and to me. That one race that year. Then winning the series the following year, then mid-pack killer B finishes, then the slow fade to a 40k mile a year behind the wheel of a car loss.

But words that keep coming back to me.

If you don't want to watch all 3 mins jump to 1:50 in the playback. That's what I'm talking about.

The rest yes, also but those words.

I'm kind of finding it again.

And another point on KF's letter the other day, a bit of the past, moving on past, it was, it happened. Can't go back. Like the river. Those banks and vistas are gone, no matter how nice they seemed and how amazing we think it might have been to turn into a lake at that spot, we're miles past that now, changed by the seasons, shaken by the rapids, transformed by the waterfalls. I'm getting better at being where I am now. There are elements that keep trying to pull me back, suggest things could go back they way they were, but that isn't possible. I have to keep looking forward.

I've delayed the day enough now. Need to move forward, get some stuff done, put some shoes on, go outside. Go grocery shopping, fill the van tires with air after the cold TPMS alert, fill it with gas for the trip tomorrow. But I'm not going to do the oil changes, not yet, low key day, relaxed as much as I can, recover. Refuel.

recenter...

heddwch
G

Don't write blog posts listening to the Smiths radio

Quick recap - CrosstoBEERfest was fun.

Even racing it as CrossSOBERfest.

I got a nice long note from a friend this morning and it hit all the right notes and it made me realize something about the race last night.

I'd never raced there before, no emo baggage from previous events clogging the memories or feelings. It was all new.

I did totally fuck up with the fact that I forgot who people were or didn't recognize others, sorry to y'all. It isn't easy being 'that guy' even not in the jumpsuit, esp since I'm terrible at linking names and faces until I am not. It takes me a while. But was still pretty awesome being there.

Hanging with Myette was good.

There was mud. There was a line of fucking insane shit that blew through just before the start, dropped the temps by a good pile of degrees - felt like going from 60 to 35, but may have only been 45 but the clouds and mist and the bitching wind that destroyed the course in 2 minutes as the Sport race was finishing. Three of four of them wound up running to the pits to finish with dozens of meters of yellow caution tape in their rear wheel.

It was dark. It was muddy. My bike isn't great for the mud, we've established that. Some of the mud was rideable. I probably could have ridden 2-3 times more of it than i did and that stuff even faster if I had put on the Rocket Ron tubeless tires. But I didn't. Oh well.

I didn't get lapped, I almost was able to stay with Tim Mayo today, BG caught me, I rode with Geo M for a bit, and generally rode my bike. Had one bit of phlem catch in my throat and cause me to gag and nearly puke on the penultimate lap, that sucked and slowed me down a bit in a pedaly section I didn't want to slow down in.

i rode the twisty stuff pretty well. Ran 18-20 psi in the tires and still was sliding a bit on the show ring stuff but the grass and stuff was good. The barriers were almost invisible, and there were SO MANY LOG DISMOUNTS.

I made people sad by not taking beer handups. And yeah this is an unsanctioned beer handup allowed race.

And even then, despite passing up the beer, it was awesome.

I'm my own worst enemy, and I often only manage to write a bit when I'm struggling, and it is a slow process but I am feeling better and more comfortable with me as I am lately. Things are how they are and I'm grateful to have made it through the last 5 years as intact as I am.

Anyway, I've got to get back to dealing with everything here - it is insane, but I'm in a good headspace and maybe racing at 6pm is what I need to do more often. 

time to play with the pictures

heddwch,
G

GPGCX aka Glawstah

First one was back in 2006. Missed it only last year IIRC. Pretty sure I did both days between. There might have been one other year I missed it, haven't really checked.

The year's I raced both days I made the 2 hr one way trip each day. Usually there is one version of the weekend course that suits me. Sometimes Tom Stevens makes it a Saturday one, sometimes a Sunday one.

I haven't raced the 3's aka Killer Bs in a very long time. I'm a very long way away from fitness I had even in 2016. I'm a galaxy away from the fitness I had in 2013, and even then by most measures I still sucked.

But that's nothing new, nothing I have delusions about. But man, being this far off what I have been is not easy. I knew the week was going to have a negative impact, no sleep from stress/anxiety, not eating well, not pedaling much. I haven't done an interval since probably 2015, maybe january '16. Can't remember. It has been a while. Right now I can't because the bikes are broken and the Crockett doesn't fit on my trainer.

Now - add all that with the rain. You know I love the rain. I love finding the traction and I usually do much better in the mud. But that is also partially tire selection. I might as well have been on 40c file treads. Aka lets take a poorly suited tire and make it fatter and even worse on that grease. But nothing to do about it. It is the tire I have on the bike right now. I have one set of really heavy wheels, and it has been a reliable combination, works great when it is dry, pretty good in dry loose stuff, absolutely horrible when it is wet, esp if there are ruts. Also not much mud clearance with those. It was muddy today.

It was pretty damn cold when I got there - upper 40s and rain. I was not prepared for that, I had what I had. That at least turned out to be correct. So, to recap, I knew my fitness was going to be pretty shabby, CORRECT! I knew my tire choice was going to be absolutely wrong, CORRECT! I got clothing right for the race conditions, CORRECT! Unfortunately the last one couldn't help me race better, but at least it kept me from being even worse than I was.

Not DFL, but pretty fucking close. But I did finish. I didn't give up. I did get lapped, and I still got a good 50+ minutes of trying to race.

Starting from the back row in a field of 100 is kind of bonkers. I moved up but there wasn't much else to do but I also didn't go full gas red-line like i did at Mansfield. Maybe I should have, couldn't have hurt me anymore. Picked some awesome lines, passed a bunch of people. Even though my tires were super sketchy at the beginning there was still just enough grip that the first part of the course wasn't a disaster. I avoided piles of dudes going down. But unfortunately when it came time to the pedaly sections I was toast. And would lose most of the spots I had just gained being able to drive the bike. But I wasn't going backwards too fast and there were guys around me. Until the second lap and I made it around to that odd double right hand line chicane just before the path along half moon bay and I took the better left side line, but some other big dude took the shitty right line, botched it and fell on top of me, knocking me off my bike and down into the tape. By the time I got back up and going, Alex M was gone, the guy who knocked me off was already going (he stayed up there by virtue of bouncing off me) and there was only a few behind me.

And then we hit the section from the Rock to the end of the park. The first lap through was good, this time? alone? not so good. Rinse repeat. Alex took a bike, we rode together, he got a beer from the beer garden and stopped. I got lapped. I was told I looked REALLY slow by Justin C. I was slow. The tires were frustrating. I was slipping and sliding but not crashing was good. I managed to save it dozens and dozens of times. Only one time did I punch a wooden stake with my index finger on my right hand.  It hurts.

I'm sore. I'm tired. I'm out of shape, the bike is still muddy...  it was great seeing people today, but it still felt a bit odd. So many years there as part of a very very closeknit team or working for others and being distracted enough not to notice that absence.

Paul and crew put on a great race, the even was awesome, I raced terribly. But the bike was great other than the tires, I did really appreciate seeing friends there, it was fun having Erin there too. It was very nice having someone in the car on the way home to keep me awake and focused.

We'll see what I can do about Wednesday. I've got tomorrow and most of monday to figure that out.

Oh and i even managed to fuck up the Garmin file. I hit start/stop at the start instead of lap, usually every other time I've done that I correct the mistake. This time not so much. Took me until the unit gave me the powering down beep to notice. I even forgot to put the HR strap on, had it there even, not that the numbers would have meant anything. I might have looked down, felt like i was at an aerobic limit and noted a HR of 140 and tried to get it higher only to not be able to.  It doesn't matter though. I captured a little bit of data.

I'm mentally starting to dwell on the bad at the moment, the stuff that I was missing, the wandering around alone parts of the day. The inability to pedal hard enough to look like I was racing and not just riding around. I keep wondering if all that good warm fuzzy awesomeness was all post race beer euphoria. What ever it is, I did actually have fun at times, will I have more fun if I'm in better shape? Maybe, but for now I might go back to sticking with singlespeed. Even for the big races. There were a few there in the Cat 3s with one gear only.

Okay, it is almost 10:30 pm, I'm wrecked but also still wired. Not a good combo. And there's no chance of sleeping in tomorrow. No rest. No bike race but that doesn't mean I get a day off to recover.

but hey at least I kind of got a race report written.

heddwch
G

And then suddenly

Everything is resolved. Not just one but doubly.

Car is working again, and soccer was cancelled.

Hooked the battery back up, checked fuel pressure at the rail (30 psi btw)... Started like the battery was low but it started and stayed running.

Let it idle for a while, drove to the shop. Turned it off, because if it didn't start again I know I can leave it there as long as I need to. But it started there absolutely flawlessly.

While at the bike shop I got an email saying the fields are closed, they are too wet. So no need for two cars or to be packed up really early and race right to the venue in the van and hope to have enough time to get ready.

Kind of like reading a suspenseful book, except i'm the character being tested and it seems like i'm living it with no way out and then suddenly inexplicably everything worked out.  This time.  Meanwhile there's the massive dark shadow of the deteriorating government of this place, i fear no matter the groundswell that someone is going to make sure the current system stays in place and cheetohead keeps fucking the world up.

Climate change? Pfft, whatever.

So yeah while this small bit of stress has resolved itself, there's still plenty of shit to worry about. But some of us are cursed with awareness and an empathy that prevents us from rolling through life carefree and happy.

But hey, I GET TO RACE GLOUCESTER! Although I'm in the back row with Chris Y and Matt Snow and even Ryan Kelly. Although I don't expect to see Ryan for very long. But maybe I'll manage to pull a few tricks I've learned over the years and not get totally destroyed. Maybe I'll even stay on the lead lap, but I doubt it.  But it doesn't matter. I'm looking forward to that challenge. I've got nothing to prove, no sponsors to represent, just racing, for me. And because it is the 20th G-ster, kind of cool to be there for that.

I suppose I should clean the bike off from Tuesday's mud. Although maybe the drive up will do it for me. May not worry about it. Not worrying about the fact that my wheels are insanely heavy, or that my back tire is pretty much bald, and that they are way too wide for mud. It will be what it will be and it will be nice to race.

Even as slow as I am right now.

Probably should eat dinner tonight. Was so fucking wrecked on Wed that I didn't eat. Yesterday got so crazy at work that I didn't eat at all, until dinner.

Ah well.

Tomorrow.

The saga of the GeWilli continues...

heddwch
G

No closer

To figuring out what is wrong with the car. Sort of.

There's stuff it isn't it seems.

Still wouldn't start yesterday, one possibility is the fuel filter - it has 195k miles. Probably the original. But that's inside the tank and part of the fuel pump. I'm gonna stink of gasoline if I get that far this afternoon.

Could be key? could be. Unlikely. Antenna ring? Unlikely - taking it off it won't even turn over. As in immobilizer seems to not be the problem.

There's a plan worked out though. We all head to soccer, and leave from there and drive straight to Gloucester. Even hitting a bit of traffic I'd get there in time for the race, get to see a bit of the Elites and then head home. Not ideal for racing but fuck it - i'm not acting like much of an athlete off the bike, even on the bike. Strava is showing mostly commuting on the E-bike or doing short smackdowns or races. Nothing else. There is nothing else going on.

No training.

I should do something about that. Or this is just a re-alignment platform to get me headed in the right direction. A handful of lost years, maybe in as many i'll have found something again.

How many lost ones? 2013, combo physical injury (blown up bursa in my knee) and emotional one that g-ride helped facilitate but ultimately of my own doing. Much like the knee. Realistically it has been 5 years of pretty much steady haze of alcohol. each year having fewer and ultimately no AFDs. The loss of that time, the loss of everything, but ultimately not losing anything, other than myself for a long time. Sounds contradictory perhaps, but maybe not.

The resolution of tomorrow is helpful. Having a plan makes it better. Not sure I'll make it to Crosstobeerfest though. But then I'm already wrecked and I have three supremely mentally taxing days in a row with that in the middle, I probably need to skip it to keep some sanity, or at least some physical capacity.

Def need to get the other car running no matter what. Even taking racing out of the equation, there's routine instances when both are needed. Still. Unfortunately. I do hate cars. Hate how dependent we are on them, hate how impossible it is to function given the current round of commitments w/o one.

And yeah listening to smiths on the pandora thing after a drenching ride in before riding back home to work on the car seems right.

Best get going, one down scope at ship street means I have to start the fixing process for that before I can pick up the process of the volvo... man I wish I had better diagnostic tools for the car.

I keep drifting into a mental bubble of thought - distracted, unmoving, not productive...  day dreaming i suppose, mentally checking out, not idly but not immediately productive.

Last night I just wanted a break. A few days, even one, that I could just sleep in, not worry about fixing a critically failed something, or get to something else that's been put off only because of emergency. A mental break. I would like to rest my brain. I guess that was one of the protective mechanisms happening while I was drinking. It would certainly shut down enough of the worry processes that I functioned as a coping mechanism. Not having that going on right now is building up I think. And no, not ready to replace it with anything else. If I can't figure out how to function straight edge I can't go back to something else. If i can maybe i will. But part of me really doesn't want to.

Yeah, getting intensely more introspective lately here I guess. And right now esp.

Burning daylight, time, best get moving.

heddwch
G

No rest for the weary

Feeling good today after a full dirt smackdown yesterday. Able to go the whole length, even if we shortened it because of the dark and all the flats, or leaky tubeless wheels (mine somehow held air). We sprinted and wound it up on waterfront drive, and Jane and Christian blew my doors off. I dug and spun and worked my butt off, clawed and held on but ultimately the legs were toast.

Pleasantly so. And this morning was nice, a simple ride in on the Crossrip+ so much to do there - was kept busy most of the day and still - yes I need another one of me. Reading back on Gloucester past web log posts here was strange. MULTIPLE POSTS A DAY ON THE BLOG. LOADS OF LINKS AND STUFF! Man the internet was different then.

But sometimes not so much.

Posted a bit about '08 and what not on other media platforms.

Today, right now, i'm sitting down to write because I'm deflated, defeated...  not good. Also really tired. No appetite.

I raced home. Plan was to get in the car, swing through the shop, pick up kid, come home and make dinner.

Car didn't start.

Or well it started and then something turned it off. What? Who knows. It was working great on Sunday. No problems. Cranked it - waited, cranked it. All to no result. Pretty much ran the battery all the way down.

Frustratingly there's no error codes. No missing sensors, no faults.

Likely culprit: Fuel pump relay. Fortunately it is an easy fix. Unfortunately the battery is kind of toast and it is really dark outside at the moment.

But here it was - over and over - shit well... shit... Gotta get kid. Wife is at meeting in Warren. Well - finally made contact with her and she was going to head up anyway.

SOOOOOO I hopped back on the Crossrip+ and pegged it at 26-27mph as much as I could to get to the boathouse so kid wasn't wondering what was going on and because who knew how long it would take to get through the traffic.

I got there just as she was looking for me. Seeing me on the bike wasn't unusual, but she wasn't expecting no car. We sat on the bench, i texted with JW about possible issues, read some forum things. Kid got picked up eventually. I made it home just as dark was falling (yeah I rode home).

Actually raced them home. They got a 30 second head start and I spent a bit on the bridge and leading up to the path talking to one of the Marks, but still got home just after they did. Of course those three trips at full turbo boost more or less means I'm riding in in Eco mode in the morning.

Normally no big deal, but hey it is Gloucester weekend. No second car means not racing. Hopefully I can get it started.

Fuel relay isn't bad, charge battery, put a jumper between 3 and 5, fuel pump runs non-stop when key is on. Not good if you crash and pump stays running and spills fuel everywhere but it easy to diagnose.

If it isn't it? Move on to the next possibility.

Sigh.

not feeling great at the moment...

Can't let up though, gotta keep pushing through...

heddwch
G

Mansfield Hollow CX and stuff

I was going to post this later. Wrote it this morning but, well my phone battery was dying and might as well charge off the pixel C tablet and shit internet tether off the USB connection AND charge the phone at the same time.

Also had considered posting these as two separate entries, but fuck it - nice and long, all the words.

so here ya go - life and race report all in one below the fold....

Shitty times right now

Yesterday I spent avoiding direct following of events. However I did have the TV on for a few minutes after hooking up the router to see how much better the internet worked on it (answer insanely better) but broadcast TV was there and so was the hearing.

I avoided most everything...  but more out of life keeping me busy than anything else. I was not in one place for long. I was on the bike, I was fixing microscopes I was meeting with installers and building bikes.

Did we know this was coming? Yes. 100% absolutely no question. Was it going to be this bad? Many said no, it won't be any different. Some still say that. There's no difference in the parties. They are all still corporate shills and until we move away from that none of this matters.

Except they are wrong. The democrats are just spineless fuckwards with too much respect and decency to pull the same shit the republicans are but that's what the GOP is exploiting to the fullest. The repugnicans don't give a shit about anything but power and this seat on the Supreme court. This is their hail mary, their swan song, their ultimate goal. They are literally power hungry frat boys who can't be told they are wrong.

I'm a white dude, privileged without the privilege, confusing i suppose. Never included in the groups that the assholes getting headlines grew up in. High school, yeah I knew about them. Knew who they were, didn't know what they were doing. Got a better glimpse of it in college, the assholes on the crew team talked about what they did to their girlfriends when I was around sometimes, but mostly they stopped or changed the subject if i happened to get with earshot. Why? I was different. Always was. an often unhinged ball of rage. Plenty of incidents of that growing up with the same group of classmates. I'm still prone to that but very well controlled most of the time now. But that's probably an element of why I was excluded, that and I never had any money or any sort of status beyond being almost as smart as the genius kids, almost as talented as the artist kids, almost as good of an actor as the best in the school, almost as good as the best violinists. But always too shy and emotionally frustrated. The culture I grew up in (the 80s) spoke of all this fun stiff you could do, parties, girls, sex, drinking, drugs...  yeah nothing. I found the drinking eventually but not till college. High school was fucking bad for me. But worse for others. At least I made it through it.

My siblings all ran in vastly more popular social circles than I did. Maybe not huge and for the most part not in the frat boy asshole ones, because, well, they aren't. Once I think maybe it was home from college, my sister was talking with a friend about one of the other musicians, they described him as one of those creepy quiet guys who just stares at people. That's what I remember but the context was more involved and it felt like they were talking about me. Yeah, I was quiet, unconfident, jealous of the boisterous assholes who could talk to girls, so I just watched. I wasn't staring but watching and staring are tough to distinguish.

Another thing, I grew up not in a pack of girl hungry boys. My closest friend in HS, well he never showed any interest in girls, and he is quietly completely gay now. College, pretty much the same freshman year. I don't think i've mentioned that to many if anyone before, maybe I wrote it here super wasted once (I'm definitely feeling good about being the not drinking version of me - it is good). But those circumstances definitely impacted what I did and how I grew up in those developmental years.

I've been distracted by reading, researching i suppose, following up on threads. Finding a tweet to embed and share here. Maybe the story in VOX about sixteen candles, but then maybe not, leaving it here as my own rambling for now.

But that sort of helps to set the stage for who i was, and how I got to where I am now.

I didn't tweet yesterday about the hearings, I didn't post about it. I did say something about trying to get through the internet but it was too painful, to raw, and absolutely nothing surprised me or shocked me or was new. But it all was overwhelming, overloading. I need to be able to function for my kids, for my family, for my jobs. I can't curl up in a ball and hide. I've also found that while rage tweeting constantly, or facebooking or all that, isn't going to change the politics in Washington. Adding my voice to the noise, while maybe seen as supporting to the rest of the rage tweeters/facebookers, and don't get me wrong I 100% support all of them...  what do I say to support? Nothing seems easiest. If I say anything I'm going to get attacked for not saying enough, or saying the wrong thing or saying something that could be interpreted as wrong. So. I stayed very busy. And tried to be functional. But I gave in and did say something. I deleted it of course. I did try to read a book to distract myself, but it didn't work.

And I still slept like shit thinking about it all. And now I'm late because i'm writing and thinking more about it. And really doing very little good even at trying to write to get my thoughts in order.

The hearing. If it would have done any good or impacted the outcome in any way I would have watched it. As a rule I don't watch news, I vote. I function and direct what I can locally, and try to live in a way that stays true to moving forward. I hope that things can change. And those who said it doesn't matter who you vote for. Fuck. You.

It matters. Yesterday was case in point. And maybe that's what I can say. Or need to say.

Either way it is too late for that and, shit, I really hope this shit gets sorted out before the horrible bratty asshole nominated gets put on the bench.

okay - now i go do work...  pissed off and still unsure if i should say something and if i do what...

stay strong out there - don't burn out yet, this is a long fight, a long game, it may take our children to fix this fucking mess and we have to be there for them.

heddwch
G

And after all that I went and did post to twitter and Facebook...  this:

and what happens? 
"I'm absolutely completely disturbed by the news. wishing i knew what to say, how to support those who need it, deserve it and didn't get it when they most desperately did.

Thank you to everyone who is pouring every ounce of rage into the disaster that is the republican party's dehumanizing women right now. Thank you for fighting this battle.

To those on the sidelines or who didn't vote in 2016 or voted 3rd party: Sure you may have thought it doesn't matter who you voted for back when you had to choose between a lesser of two evils, but you are probably a white guy that also doesn't really care about women's rights.

That 2016 election was 100% about women's rights. And you said that they don't matter."

two people i know from TDI world pop in with their MAGA bullshit...  debating deleting their comments or not...

Ouch...

No crash but it was a pretty damn intense morning on the bike. Finally? Not specific anything training but riding single speed with a couple guys on geared bikes AND being late and having to spin my ass off to get there just as Burke and Green were rolling away from 7 stars was a good way to start the ride.

Also did the ride, unintentionally, on zero calories. Hell I didn't even have any significant carb foods the night before. Dinner was salad and some chicken. I guess there were a few in the garbanzo beans in the salad. But the point, i was one in a fasted state, and running on purely stored stuff. I was hungry, empty stomach was pretty grumpy but I kept dumping little bits of the second coffee in there from my water bottle and it was good.

No it is decidedly proven that CX is a glycogen demanding activity and that no it isn't the best to do full Keto style. BUT like training for anything best to keep that as a backup. Or a baseline. Also helps activate fat burning and i am fat(er than I want to be). But also since the first race my skinny pants are fitting more easily than in august. Marginal gains or something.

It was wet but I got dirtier at Midnight Ride than today. Did flop the bike into the water, burke went swimming and we were all half way to the knees in water at one point or another.

Felt good.

Came home, made more coffee, hooked up the new router (the old one had been dying, it is now replaced!) Added a bit more penetrant to the plugs on the van, started some laundry.

All on my day off. Well I was going to lose 2 vacation days, now I'm just going to lose one after today. But then I still went to work anyway. But only for a couple hours, then stopped in to say hey to my brother and Vinny. Vinny said if i busted anything and needed tools I didn't have to give them a call when it comes time to do the van. And JW said he'll be in the area and could be back up this weekend if needed. Not sure I'll get to it this weekend. But I probably should. Fuck too much to do. Okay - nope - i have to drive early Saturday (hot engine - tight engine - fuck no not trying it then) Sunday have to be able to take Kid 1 (coming home from college this weekend) back to the train station with her stuff while other car is up at the Textile river regatta. Maybe next weekend will work. I'll have both cars and only one driver. Would be a good time for that. Not sure how it fits with racing bikes.  Sunday is probably a def nope given this weekend's regatta schedule. That shit is like ALL FUCKING DAY! Oh well, I'll bring a book, maybe make it to Bosscross so as not to totally lose the whole weekend.

Life is complicated. Yesterday i was freaking out about the van, so much so that i figured maybe i should just have someone else change them.

But.

I'm a pretty fucking good mechanic, I understand the shit. I'm not an engineer and won't try to design or calculate shit, but I know how stuff works, understand materials to a pretty complex degree. I know from watching someone heat the shit out of a stuck plug and not be able to get it out with an easy out that he made the aluminum head expand and hold the plug in tighter. But hey, I also haven't done this before and that has me cautious, and anxious.

So we'll see. how this goes.

man that was all over the place...

or normal for me i guess...

Tons to do, racing will happen when it happens and I can't force it too much, gotta be zen, gotta be water flowing over and around the stones in the river. Flow and move and bend and continue on....  adjust to the obstacles

and now eat...  i am freaking super hungry, I guess body is saying 'HEY DUMBASS I NEED STUFF" Not eating much lunch and then not eating the rest of lunch until 4:30 maybe wasn't the best idea. Oh well...

heddwch
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Hey cx Nationals Registration JUST opened

Got an email telling me so: https://legacy.usacycling.org/2018/cx-nationals

but yeah I'm not going to be there.

It was a great weekend of racing, poop water and constant pedaling and not enough recovery for the HR to drop down much and then sand and running and HOLY CRAP THIS IS HARD but so much fun stuff yesterday on the cape.

Race reports still feel odd, maybe i'll write one for the next one.

Figuring out what the next one is actually is a bit more challenging than I had imagined. Or I knew it was going to be this challenging and I've put it off until now.

I just went through the NEBRA.us calendar and BikeReg and Maps to figure out when where and how far everything is.

But there are two big weekends on the calendar that it is just me and the kid - the weekend of Oct 6 & 7 and Nov 3 & 4. That covers 4 of the Zanc SSCX races. The first two being pretty damn close, the next ones not so much but also going up against really rad on the cape.

Other options? well I could head up the Night Weasels, put gears on the bike I guess. Could try BossCross maybe.

And then Gloucester. I don't feel any better about the decision to race the 40+ event than I did then. Maybe the 3 is the way to go? I'm slow right now, but I'm having fun racing. Kind of just want to keep it singlespeed and have fun. But Night Weasels ain't not single speed race and Fruitlands isn't either.

What's left? What other options? makes it feel strange and kind of isolated for the NoHo event too. Slow and old cat 3 is kind of a rough spot for these high end venues like G-ster and Noho.

And then do i make it back to SupercrossCup again this year?

So at the moment feeling pretty bummed and odd about the season going forward. A great start. Def prefer the low key grassroots stuff, almost wished G-ster and NoHo aligned better with Chicago and NYC marathons so i'd have the other weekends open.

And no I haven't looked at the soccer or HS Novice Crew (yeah the youngest kid is currently a 2 sport athlete - a middle schooler rowing for the high school team) calendar to line up where and when or even if we have info that far out.

Maybe I can make a few things work still.

The  bottom bracket on the Crockett is creaking louder than any of my BB30 bikes, may need to take it apart this week to re-grease it all. Maybe i can find my big jar of plumbers pipe compound instead of the stupid bike specific grease that doesn't work for this application. Or i clean the hell out of it and 609 that shit in place.

My back was bugging me and the running didn't help, but then it actually felt better last night and this morning than it had since Wednesday.

And I figured out what brought it on all of a sudden. grabbing my wallet and putting it in my pocket as I went out of the office for a lunch meeting. Sitting in a hard chair with it in my pocket (right side) for 90 minutes in an intense lunch meeting well...  that sure as hell fucked it up and makes sense. Thanks to John Mosher's anecdote i realized what happened and damn am i going to work to make sure I don't do that again anytime soon.

Feeling good after racing, need a couple more weekends like this to make things right, but going through the schedule is threatening to put a damper on shit.

Hopefully there's time tonight to sit down with the other variables on calendars I don't have easy access too to make sense and start signing up more in advance than the day before or day reg closes.

And yes - i COULD race KMC this weekend, but $46/day PLUS parking each day is pretty damn steep even for me, also it isn't a fun drive, and the turnout is low, and most of the folks I know aren't going to be there. It is fun riding there, just not driving there, and I haven't raced the event in a long time, I probably don't need to remind myself of the stuff in the past, but maybe they've changed it but still, value doesn't seem to be there, if it was $31/race and free parking? I'd probably go - and no the $25 difference isn't a total deal breaker but there's no singlespeed race and nothing really compelling other than there's nothing else close enough to race this weekend.

Maybe i just try and ride - or maybe I do night weasels instead (and wreck my thursday at work? - perhaps - dunno).

This whole racing thing is fun, I missed it, happy to have a few under my belt, now just wishing I could do the every weekend thing again... oh well. It is what it is and maybe the not racing will be motivation to train so i'm not as slow when i actually have a chance to race.

We'll see

heddwch
G

staring at a blank page

wanting to write - getting interrupted - or sitting here staring.

being here to help - helping - is good.

still much to do.

life eh?

stumbling through - (written earlier in the week)

2018-09-21



This song gets me to pause every time it pops back in a playlist/mix...

blank page here for a bit - saw a video, a link to someone with a new sponsor.

listening to this song a few times to chill/steel myself before checking the vid.

one of the gang is suggesting we get together in the same old skinsuits we all used to race in but, well, shit, I dunno man, that band broke up, talk about bringing it back? nah that's bad. too painful. so many uncertains. strung out the convo last night on twitter, made sure the one who blocked me was in most all of the replies, bet he didn't even see any of the thread, guessing he heard about it from somewhere else or just used the non-him account to watch...

A big part of the current cloud is the missing kid. The hole left by their not being here is pretty significant. Feel isolated and alone a bit, much more connected to that one than anyone else. Even if I felt pretty much in the dark in June. layers on layers.

very little reminding me of the good stuff lately.

my brain seems esp good at reminding me of the bad shit, the shit I have regrets or lost opportunities, or yeah all that shit some people can just move past, I'm usually pretty good about it. But sometimes I get sucked back in too easily.  And when the emotional batteries are drained there's no reserves to keep shit from spinning out of control.

Wing stall...

Fighting to regain control before crashing hard... 

there's a good chance of surviving the full crash...
but it takes a very long time to get back to normal...

5 years isn't enough time...

hell I don't think there's ever going back to normal. there's only learning how to deal with it, there's only hiding it from others, but mostly hiding it from yourself.

Racing both days this weekend but of course what happened wed night when I got home.

Fucking piriform locked up again. The dull super ache. Just when shit was getting better. I sat in a couple extra long meetings hyper focused and not moving and one of the chairs must have been just not right enough that I had to pop a pile of pills just to sleep. and to function. and now i have back to back races this weekend.

at least day two should be much lower key.

that is if I can move, if the drive doesn't destroy any ability to move pain free.

I survived Kalon cross, similar pain. I should hopefully make it through the courses this weekend.

We'll see what happens. Keep on keeping on. Adjust to the new paradigm, keep on moving on.

Need to push for a bit more creativity but at the moment I'm going to go do some bike building therapy for the hip/butt. For some reason an hour or more of that seems to help relax it all. On the desperate side of hope with this stupid pain.

pushing work - pushing to make it all happen.

soldiering on, carrying the weight...

heddwch
G

They bailed... so...

I bailed.

And got twitter shamed by negacoach just now for taking pictures instead of doing 40/20s.

Mentally crashed after writing that last bit today. Was kind of hoping someone would show up and I'd be able to overcome the hurdle and pedal through it but I didn't.

I rode back to the office, got my backpack and pedalled really slowly home with a tailwind.

Ran out of emotional battery today, or something. Despite eating like I was going to crank out a couple k calories this afternoon.

heddwch
G

Where are we now

Hugely personal introspective questions have been roaming in my conscious brain like a swarm of locusts.

Or maybe just really hungry grasshoppers...  or maybe giraffes?

Dunno but it has been kind of odd.

Definitely off. Riding, but mostly just commuting. Last week was destructively exhausting. Mostly just emotionally and internally, not physically although I don't think I did much to help the pedaling faster during races.

And now that Hurricane Florence, or what is left of it, is pounding the fuck out of Southern New England right now, Dirty smackdown is in jeopardy at the moment (HOLY SHIT I SPELLED JEOPARDY RIGHT THE FIRST TIME). And well looks like the weather is clearing a bit, front moved through faster and earlier than expected and has gone a bit south.

Bodes well for smackdown not being wet from both sides (top and bottom).

Maybe I'll sort it out and make a little loop in the belgian sand section and spend some time working on short laps that make my lungs bleed and my legs protest riding the single speed home.

Been reading a bit. Listening to books on tape at the shop to keep my mind from wandering. Books at 1.4x speed go by pretty quickly, but Jack McDevitt books all kind of are a bit too formulaic for me now. Good but there's so much cross over between the Priscilla Hutch series and the Alex B one that you absolutely know it is the same dude making stuff up. Finished the Scalzi Lock In book. So good. I don't know if it is a short book, but man it read very quickly and was good. First time in a while I don't have anything checked out from the library to read.

reading as an addiction substitute seems to be working okay, although I'm getting kind of tired from all the seltzer i'm drinking. It has stopped being a thirst thing and more a habit thing. But I guess that's not the worst addiction. Other than the actually whole having sleep interrupted by getting up.

I had a lot I wanted to say about the opening sentence. But can't really. I did have a moment of clarity and understanding but it doesn't come with any resolution. Lots of tracing back to me growing up, influences, frustrations, being too afraid or shy or just not enough confidence to reach out and explore and develop. KF had a good point about re-learning social strategies once sober and not drinking, and reflecting back on the summer, well, fortunately I've only had probably three social situations, maybe four, where I would have been drinking, and in all of them I wasn't much different w/o the beer than i would have been with it. And yes, I'm still analyzing the whole not drinking thing. Also completely buckled down with the fact that it is going to have to be the new me for quite a while.

Along those same lines I do feel like my stupid lower back/hip/butt is getting better. I can feel the progress. I can also still feel it when it begins to get tweaked and edging towards a spasm. And no, I haven't started doing more plans or more stretches. Maybe tomorrow.

Planning on racing both days this weekend. Single speed for both. Not sure when I'll put gears on the bike. Maybe I won't even bother. You can race Gloucester with one gear right? Not like I'm smart or strong enough to make use of being able to shift.

Shit - new radar looks wet. The heavy band of yellow and red has moved on but there's some solid green headed this way - could be kind of gross. Oh well at least it isn't cold.

Last week's post was leading into some deep stuff but i wrapped it up, packed it in, chewed on it, digested, threw it up, tried to hide it but it won't go away. Oh well. Nothing to do about it but figure out how to live with/move on and keep putting everyone else first most of the time. Fitting a bit for me in here and there in the corners and cracks out of the way.

Well, guess it is time to fill a water bottle and start getting things together for a bit of a wet CX practice. The challenge is going to be: do I bother to keep pedaling if no one shows or do I ride back to the office and get my backpack and just head home...

heddwch,
G

Definitely not hot lately

Narrator (voice sounds remarkably like the author): This was written a little big ago, like last week. No edit just post - starting new entry after clicking the orange button.

It has been hot

A LOT this summer.

AC has never run this much since we've been here. Guess I'll be doing some more insulating once it isn't a million degrees in the crawl spaces and attic space.

Crew and Soccer practice has been cancelled two days in a row.

But I still went out for a full Dirt Smackdown yesterday.

Took it easy riding up. And we had Tom along and his CX skills don't quite match his pure roadie power. But he's getting better. He Nutted himself and rolled in the dirt with his bike hitting a root just wrong. We didn't do the full northern section (tons of roots, lots of sand and then a big exposed section) But we kept rolling, and man was it hot.

I ran even lower pressure this week. 22-23 or so front and rear. Was perfect up front, but a bit low in the rear. No burp, a couple rock dingers on the rim and plenty of bottoming out despite riding lightly and floating over the saddle most of the ride.

My back was pretty wrecked, but no worse than I used to be in 2013 when Steph was working on it. Yeah yeah I'll start doing planks soon. Maybe tomorrow.

It was hot. Really hot. I ate not enough, was super hungry all afternoon, pedaled through it though. No bonk. Why? Fat burning. At least I have that training to save my ass. Those that bonk are sugar fuelers. That's okay, probably not good and probably predisposes you to T2D but hey maybe not, (i'm being nice). I did feel like I could have used a bit more water. But 2 small bottles for a ~3.5 hour ride in 90+ degree heat. Yeah I guess I could have used more but while I'm sore this morning I didn't cramp, die or anything else. My sun glasses suck though.

I did find that when the sweat puddled on my glasses I was riding more blind than not - everything fuzzy, so maybe I was picking a straighter and  less optimal but faster line because of it. Going to try a different pair tomorrow to see if it does any better.

Yeah tomorrow. Planning on escaping by being on the bike all day, or at least most of the day. Kind of combining yesterday's ride with last thursday's ride but continue down to the bridge and not skipping any of the single track. Doesn't look like anyone will be joining me, so we'll see how that goes, I usually try not to ride alone on this day but it is better than being at work, and I still fucking hate it - more because of the conflict inside. I don't want people to know, but then feel sad for the same reason. Conflicted,  but hey - made an attempt to see if anyone had the day off to ride, reinforcement that the day kind of isn't fun, but I like the idea of spending it on the bike, hopefully the trails will keep my brain focused enough to pause the introspection. Half feeling like cuing up an audio book and doing what I constantly rant against: ride with earbuds.

But that takes work. okay - coffee consumed. Time to get my ass in gear and catch back up, 10 mins of writing and at least I only have three new emails to deal with.

But - this morning Amanda B was talking about finding out about a friend's passing, and writing about her reactions...  I got thinking while pedaling in (wearing pants, yeah it is already "realfeel" 90s and i'm wearing full fucking normal pants riding a bike) and this song popped in my head.

Probably partly due to tomorrow...



But in my head the last lines I changed from:
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground

to:
just a lost soul
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground

I'm tired but hanging in there, and not doing as bad as I have, so that's good?

and hey BTW - why can't we get seltzer in a 30 rack?

heddwch
G