The TT happened, I went faster than I did in week 1, felt better but still didn't feel like everything was left out there.
I did feel like shit. Got dropped on the ride out to it. Dropped by the easy pedaling guys after the fast guys took off. Dropped a few times.
Started 4th out of 18. Slowest times start first. But I wasn't passed, even though I didn't pass anyone. It was strange, like there's just a shit ton of resistance on that bike, or I'm just a big bit of plywood moving through the air. The wheels roll just fine, bearings are good, tires aren't the fastest but they aren't terrible. Wheels aren't super heavy but they aren't aero. Position is more tucked (lower bars) than the rest of my bikes. But still it feels slow. Maybe that's just the feel, but it also seems to hold true in actual metrics.
No matter - I look back and I have never ridden this bike there w/o aero gear of some sort. Haven't done the TT w/o either the disc wheel or the aerobars or helmet, usually all of the above. Def faster with that stuff.
I felt good about getting the Heart Rate up and tried to stay pretty consistent. I did feel like I left a bit on the table before Reynolds but couldn't go any harder there so maybe not?
Curious to see what next week looks like. I left with everyone last night but before we even got to Peck I was 100yards behind them and riding alone the rest of the way home.
BUT I turned onto Fairview and started riding hard. Tried to go as hard as I could but couldn't do much more work than to get the HR up to 140 or so, but still I managed to keep that effort level pretty consistent for 20 mins. Not a perfect 2x20min interval, but not too bad. Does the second one help? Maybe. Maybe not. Was I tired at home? yeah really tired, didn't get home till really late. 8:30ish or so. Garmin had switched to post sunset screen well before I got home.
Bike isn't fast but who cares - if i'm working harder that means I'm doing more work, that's the point. And I did do better than I did the first week and that's all that matters. steady improvement. And if it came on a day I was feeling pretty bad? That's great. Maybe if I can have a good day it'll feel even better.
Today though...
Long day.
Rode the Crockett today, but somehow despite productive day I'm in the blah mood. Dark cloud moving in, hanging over.
Can't quite shake it, I seem to escape from it for a few minutes only to be back under the full weight the next.
Odd timing though. Maybe not.
We'll see what the weekend brings. End of the day here, will swing through the bike shop see what's up over there before heading home. maybe should have ridden the e-bike today, but felt like the crockett, gotta keep rotating eh? Would have ridden the single speed but I need to get the brake pads put on that thing before riding it again. maybe i'll do that tonight - or read, after dishes and dinner and more dishes.
heddwch
g
Friday, July 26, 2019
Thursday, July 25, 2019
The Nova Story
Saw this as part of the open tabs adventure of opening and then closing dozens of dead links today:
yeah i've been doing that more lately.
A nice break from FB and Twitter. A good way of viewing the world, it was really a better place back when everyone was just blogging or on myspace and twitter and FB didn't exist and if we wanted content we had to create it or look harder for it.
The fictional nature of the story is super depressing because of a few very significant people I know who've died due to brain cancer.
lots of implausible things in the story too - dog gone that long?
The twitter thread about the guy and the van trip with the brick of heroin was more believable. But perhaps even though fake true story - it was too good to be actual fact.
Stories are important. How you tell them. A good writer, a novelist, is a good story teller.
I've been reading good stories lately. No desire to try and become one. writing more than what I plunk down here seems daunting. I do very frequently lately have an urge to revive the old Two Cone Wrenches and a Megaphone column. But the last article for that I started is still languishing unfinished on google drive. Perhaps I'll work on that instead of reading a book.
Two posts in one day - two too many eh?
probably
heddwch
G
yeah i've been doing that more lately.
A nice break from FB and Twitter. A good way of viewing the world, it was really a better place back when everyone was just blogging or on myspace and twitter and FB didn't exist and if we wanted content we had to create it or look harder for it.
The fictional nature of the story is super depressing because of a few very significant people I know who've died due to brain cancer.
lots of implausible things in the story too - dog gone that long?
The twitter thread about the guy and the van trip with the brick of heroin was more believable. But perhaps even though fake true story - it was too good to be actual fact.
Stories are important. How you tell them. A good writer, a novelist, is a good story teller.
I've been reading good stories lately. No desire to try and become one. writing more than what I plunk down here seems daunting. I do very frequently lately have an urge to revive the old Two Cone Wrenches and a Megaphone column. But the last article for that I started is still languishing unfinished on google drive. Perhaps I'll work on that instead of reading a book.
Two posts in one day - two too many eh?
probably
heddwch
G
Tears in the Rain
I mean who didn't go watch this clip again - or at least replay it in their head when they hear that Rutger Hauer died the other day:
I couldn't but help watch it a couple times.
I suppose I could have cued it up to the start of the monologue but nah. Sure I'm linking in to someone cash machine - oh well.
Smackdown was interesting, I still struggled a bit compared to everyone else but I felt like there was a little extra there - or if not that much extra the perceived effort was lower even though the physical limit might have been the same? Make sense? I dunno, maybe. Times are consistent, a good thing, effort is there, functionality after riding is getting better. I need to keep working at it but maybe there is a tiny measure of improvement happening.
CX season calendar is sort of sliding in place. Thinking maybe no big events? Maybe still focus on Singlespeed a bit and let the other races fall as they do. Gloucester? Dunno, the 40+ and the Cat 3 haven't been filling last couple years, no pressure to decide, maybe just the saturday again? Maybe not? NoHo? Was thinking about NoHo a bit and the history I have with that venue, the location, the experiences there, the emotions, from nearly killing the Chief UCI official in a crash to finding keys to being unexpectedly given a simple sausage after a really long day. To driving up there in a volvo held together with a crushed tomato can, spokes and hardware cloth (the exhaust that is). I can replay pretty much all of the races there. Do I want to go back? Sort of, but not really. Replaying all that got me thinking about me drinking, there certainly was plenty of that there over the years, esp fresh in my mind was '14... and then maybe why I went from mostly under control and getting faster and feeling like I had control and a direction to point in to re-inventing myself the next year and declining, new team kits focused, ready, motivated - it dissolved. But what was left was still important, and maybe i started drinking more to evade the pain. Yeah my brain has been working overtime. (not sure any of that makes sense to anyone else but me - probably for the best)
Hopefully my brain will shut off for 20 minutes this afternoon during the TT. hopefully it won't take much more than 20 min to do the course tonight. last week's 22 min time was WAY TOO LONG.
Last week it def didn't shut off. The chat with Jeffrey, and how we both graduated the same year in the PacNW and went to HS that were in the same division. It was bizarre and that stuck with me and distracted me a bit. Not significantly but I think just a tiny bit. Focus, time to focus.
I remembered, riding back from the finish with everyone last week, the time I drove to Boston to pick my mother up from the Airport and still managed to get back to the start for the TT.
But somethings I forget. I forget a lot I suppose, is natural. other stuff not so much. Weird.
This reflection on the past is a little about thinking about realizing I did an okay job getting myself faster at one point. Sort of an affirmation exercise. Of course it took a meander or two down the rest of the baggage. Someday that baggage might get lost or unpacked for good. Hopefully. fortunately, unlike normally, going on this meander hasn't called in the dark clouds of depression, they have become just facts, parts of the story, nothing more. Just there. Acknowledge, move on, don't make the same mistakes again. If there was success at one point it means something was being done correctly - identify and implement.
So I am. TT, Smackdown, recovery, hard ride every other weekend or at least something longer than a commute. Do the work. Adapt, get faster, or at least feel better going fast. Accept that fast now is likely slower than in the past but that's okay too.
Working to moderate stresses at the jobs, mostly caught up, let things go, make sure there are a few unscheduled hours here and there to catch up on the little things, slowly chew through the list of less critical items.
I'm sure there were a few other things rattling around in my head - there was a phrase i wanted to write down... thought of it last night heading to bed, experiential interconnectivity? Something like that.
Something about the amazing power of social creatures like humans to have different actual experiences but relate to them and get it and all that. I think it felt deeper than it is, or actually is deeper than I'm able to recall and explain at the moment.
enough for now
heddwch
G
I couldn't but help watch it a couple times.
I suppose I could have cued it up to the start of the monologue but nah. Sure I'm linking in to someone cash machine - oh well.
Smackdown was interesting, I still struggled a bit compared to everyone else but I felt like there was a little extra there - or if not that much extra the perceived effort was lower even though the physical limit might have been the same? Make sense? I dunno, maybe. Times are consistent, a good thing, effort is there, functionality after riding is getting better. I need to keep working at it but maybe there is a tiny measure of improvement happening.
CX season calendar is sort of sliding in place. Thinking maybe no big events? Maybe still focus on Singlespeed a bit and let the other races fall as they do. Gloucester? Dunno, the 40+ and the Cat 3 haven't been filling last couple years, no pressure to decide, maybe just the saturday again? Maybe not? NoHo? Was thinking about NoHo a bit and the history I have with that venue, the location, the experiences there, the emotions, from nearly killing the Chief UCI official in a crash to finding keys to being unexpectedly given a simple sausage after a really long day. To driving up there in a volvo held together with a crushed tomato can, spokes and hardware cloth (the exhaust that is). I can replay pretty much all of the races there. Do I want to go back? Sort of, but not really. Replaying all that got me thinking about me drinking, there certainly was plenty of that there over the years, esp fresh in my mind was '14... and then maybe why I went from mostly under control and getting faster and feeling like I had control and a direction to point in to re-inventing myself the next year and declining, new team kits focused, ready, motivated - it dissolved. But what was left was still important, and maybe i started drinking more to evade the pain. Yeah my brain has been working overtime. (not sure any of that makes sense to anyone else but me - probably for the best)
Hopefully my brain will shut off for 20 minutes this afternoon during the TT. hopefully it won't take much more than 20 min to do the course tonight. last week's 22 min time was WAY TOO LONG.
Last week it def didn't shut off. The chat with Jeffrey, and how we both graduated the same year in the PacNW and went to HS that were in the same division. It was bizarre and that stuck with me and distracted me a bit. Not significantly but I think just a tiny bit. Focus, time to focus.
I remembered, riding back from the finish with everyone last week, the time I drove to Boston to pick my mother up from the Airport and still managed to get back to the start for the TT.
But somethings I forget. I forget a lot I suppose, is natural. other stuff not so much. Weird.
This reflection on the past is a little about thinking about realizing I did an okay job getting myself faster at one point. Sort of an affirmation exercise. Of course it took a meander or two down the rest of the baggage. Someday that baggage might get lost or unpacked for good. Hopefully. fortunately, unlike normally, going on this meander hasn't called in the dark clouds of depression, they have become just facts, parts of the story, nothing more. Just there. Acknowledge, move on, don't make the same mistakes again. If there was success at one point it means something was being done correctly - identify and implement.
So I am. TT, Smackdown, recovery, hard ride every other weekend or at least something longer than a commute. Do the work. Adapt, get faster, or at least feel better going fast. Accept that fast now is likely slower than in the past but that's okay too.
Working to moderate stresses at the jobs, mostly caught up, let things go, make sure there are a few unscheduled hours here and there to catch up on the little things, slowly chew through the list of less critical items.
I'm sure there were a few other things rattling around in my head - there was a phrase i wanted to write down... thought of it last night heading to bed, experiential interconnectivity? Something like that.
Something about the amazing power of social creatures like humans to have different actual experiences but relate to them and get it and all that. I think it felt deeper than it is, or actually is deeper than I'm able to recall and explain at the moment.
enough for now
heddwch
G
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
3 hr drive for a 40 min race?
6 hr round trip.
Tough call on that race for down here but those up there certainly must appreciate something that close.
Looking at the Zanc Farewell tour list got me thinking a bit more about which races...
9/8-Quad CX
9/28-Deer Farm (3hr drive away)
10/12-Mansfield Hollow
10/13-MRC
10/16-Crosstobeerfest
11/2-Cheshire (never done it also CT also far)
11/17-Putney (raced only once before and not single speed - maybe this year?)
11/30-Secret Squirrel
12/14-Ice Weasels
also listening to this right now - writing this and emailing and making next week look stupid crazy like this week.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4y8dWOFDCko74gkhLm7QqN
Got some super fun bits of stuff to use and talk about. Some Topeak stuff, a couple tools and a pump. A really nice floor pump. Having a smart head is nice - esp with both the kids with schrader valve tired bikes and that ancient Silca Super Pista being a pain to fill those up. Gauge is nice and big and easy to read. #preparetoride #Topeak def prepared to ride now. Which pump? The Joeblow Pro X
Going to have to use it to get the Klein up and running for tonight's smackdown.
Also got an Elite cage and bottle. Over all the years and years riding, this is the first elite bottle/cage I've had. The Cannibal isn't so much the lightest or the coolest they make but the NAME MAN! THE NAME - perfect for me doing the TT ala Cannibal style. But it looks like maybe there's a fork kicking around that can revive the paramount. Maybe not this week but soon.
The pocket tools from Topeak are also cool but, they are also in the "man I hope I don't have to use them" category, but at least finally I have a chaintool in the seat bag. But one of the tools is this one and I might have to make an excuse to play with the torque wrench on it sooner than later.
No shill - just evaluate - feedback and review if I feel like it. I'll start here - maybe throw up a highlight reel for some stories on IG - who knows. Now I have to get back to wrapping shit up so I can ride bikes.
Storm has blown over, roads are drying out. But it is cool. Not thursday last week cool but close. Already down to 65F in places. Keeping in mind it was close to 100 two days ago, these swings are crazy.
Also 65 feels really cold right now. Not sure if I should go knee warmers and arm warmers for Smackdown tonight or not! crazy, Maybe I need to do long sleeve skinsuit on smackdown so I can be more aerodynamic! Maybe not.
Okay - must get moving if I'm gonna make it there on time!
heddwch
G
Tough call on that race for down here but those up there certainly must appreciate something that close.
Looking at the Zanc Farewell tour list got me thinking a bit more about which races...
9/8-Quad CX
9/28-Deer Farm (3hr drive away)
10/12-Mansfield Hollow
10/13-MRC
10/16-Crosstobeerfest
11/2-Cheshire (never done it also CT also far)
11/17-Putney (raced only once before and not single speed - maybe this year?)
11/30-Secret Squirrel
12/14-Ice Weasels
also listening to this right now - writing this and emailing and making next week look stupid crazy like this week.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4y8dWOFDCko74gkhLm7QqN
Got some super fun bits of stuff to use and talk about. Some Topeak stuff, a couple tools and a pump. A really nice floor pump. Having a smart head is nice - esp with both the kids with schrader valve tired bikes and that ancient Silca Super Pista being a pain to fill those up. Gauge is nice and big and easy to read. #preparetoride #Topeak def prepared to ride now. Which pump? The Joeblow Pro X
Going to have to use it to get the Klein up and running for tonight's smackdown.
Also got an Elite cage and bottle. Over all the years and years riding, this is the first elite bottle/cage I've had. The Cannibal isn't so much the lightest or the coolest they make but the NAME MAN! THE NAME - perfect for me doing the TT ala Cannibal style. But it looks like maybe there's a fork kicking around that can revive the paramount. Maybe not this week but soon.
The pocket tools from Topeak are also cool but, they are also in the "man I hope I don't have to use them" category, but at least finally I have a chaintool in the seat bag. But one of the tools is this one and I might have to make an excuse to play with the torque wrench on it sooner than later.
No shill - just evaluate - feedback and review if I feel like it. I'll start here - maybe throw up a highlight reel for some stories on IG - who knows. Now I have to get back to wrapping shit up so I can ride bikes.
Storm has blown over, roads are drying out. But it is cool. Not thursday last week cool but close. Already down to 65F in places. Keeping in mind it was close to 100 two days ago, these swings are crazy.
Also 65 feels really cold right now. Not sure if I should go knee warmers and arm warmers for Smackdown tonight or not! crazy, Maybe I need to do long sleeve skinsuit on smackdown so I can be more aerodynamic! Maybe not.
Okay - must get moving if I'm gonna make it there on time!
heddwch
G
Monday, July 22, 2019
Already time to think about CX season?
Yeah I guess it is.
But haven't I been thinking about it for a while already? Yes I have. Thinking about trying to turn the slow pokey ride all day legs into something with a bit more rapid force contraction. Yes been doing that - not just thinking, but actively going in that direction. Totally doubting but that's normal for me. All doubts no confidence.
I did make it out for a ride Saturday morning in the heat and turned in more PRs than I can remember. maybe I just haven't ever ridden the roads we were on at more than a commuter leisure pace. For some that is true, others I know not to be, and well, maybe there's something happening.
Certainly nothing happening at the TT, but last week was barely over 60 F and raining. Cold heavy damp air - and a slight headwind. For the non-aero aka Cannibal folks (me) that was not the best. I was also tired (when am I not) and fueling wasn't best. Gotta work on being a bit more full of energy stores at that time of the night than I have been. Maybe this week will be better. Saturday morning's ride certainly was faster. Heck riding home from the TT we were talking and I was going the same pace. I don't think it is really a leg thing, I think maybe the brain thing is the bigger issue.
Still working on that.
But, while MAYBE the pedaling is working, the deliberate attempt to try and recover after the Smackdown and the TT and not do much else, and all that is certainly in the plan and focus for cyclocross, and no - haven't started running yet, maybe next weekend, but but but the hard hitting commitment time comes when it is time to sign up for Gloucester.
The eternal debate. What do I sign up for. Which race do I try not to get lapped in? the Cat 3 or the 40+ with the juniors? Tough call. eternal debate. Kind of wish they still had the 35+, 45+ and 55+ instead of the 40 50 60 breakdown. I am almost willing to put money down that once I hit racing age 50 it will go back to the 35-45-55... So what do I race? Do I even bother racing there?
Depends on the rest of the schedule I guess. Where else do I race. Not just single speed I think, but mostly? Although the Zanc series is all way far away with only a few exceptions.
So yeah seeing this link: https://www.bikereg.com/gpg19 always gets me thinking about it. Having team goals and a plan was pretty awesome. Solo - just me, very different. Should be more fun right? Less pressure? no ? Nope. It isn't.
I've been listening to this as the starting point with autoplay turned on in the office: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nK8JlTlhnjw&feature=youtu.be pandora has been acting up so youtube it is for now (with adblocker) song title probably says more than I should admit to.
Worked both days in the heat - plenty of time to think, at least when not finishing up the last of the Binti books. Such a great series. I really enjoyed them. But yeah - i did work both days - no days off, and got up early to ride on Saturday, and got the shopping done early sunday. Staying busy is what it is, relax? Recover? chill? Nah. Fuck that. Me time? that's what happens on the bike to and from work.
I had more significant stuff I wanted to unload out of my brain but, well it is stuck there in a log jam at the moment and the G'ster stuff is all that made it through today.
Weather is looking suspect for tomorrow's Smackdown, might have to do the car thing with the kid anyway, we'll see.
for now - back to work
heddwch
G
But haven't I been thinking about it for a while already? Yes I have. Thinking about trying to turn the slow pokey ride all day legs into something with a bit more rapid force contraction. Yes been doing that - not just thinking, but actively going in that direction. Totally doubting but that's normal for me. All doubts no confidence.
I did make it out for a ride Saturday morning in the heat and turned in more PRs than I can remember. maybe I just haven't ever ridden the roads we were on at more than a commuter leisure pace. For some that is true, others I know not to be, and well, maybe there's something happening.
Certainly nothing happening at the TT, but last week was barely over 60 F and raining. Cold heavy damp air - and a slight headwind. For the non-aero aka Cannibal folks (me) that was not the best. I was also tired (when am I not) and fueling wasn't best. Gotta work on being a bit more full of energy stores at that time of the night than I have been. Maybe this week will be better. Saturday morning's ride certainly was faster. Heck riding home from the TT we were talking and I was going the same pace. I don't think it is really a leg thing, I think maybe the brain thing is the bigger issue.
Still working on that.
But, while MAYBE the pedaling is working, the deliberate attempt to try and recover after the Smackdown and the TT and not do much else, and all that is certainly in the plan and focus for cyclocross, and no - haven't started running yet, maybe next weekend, but but but the hard hitting commitment time comes when it is time to sign up for Gloucester.
The eternal debate. What do I sign up for. Which race do I try not to get lapped in? the Cat 3 or the 40+ with the juniors? Tough call. eternal debate. Kind of wish they still had the 35+, 45+ and 55+ instead of the 40 50 60 breakdown. I am almost willing to put money down that once I hit racing age 50 it will go back to the 35-45-55... So what do I race? Do I even bother racing there?
Depends on the rest of the schedule I guess. Where else do I race. Not just single speed I think, but mostly? Although the Zanc series is all way far away with only a few exceptions.
So yeah seeing this link: https://www.bikereg.com/gpg19 always gets me thinking about it. Having team goals and a plan was pretty awesome. Solo - just me, very different. Should be more fun right? Less pressure? no ? Nope. It isn't.
I've been listening to this as the starting point with autoplay turned on in the office: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nK8JlTlhnjw&feature=youtu.be pandora has been acting up so youtube it is for now (with adblocker) song title probably says more than I should admit to.
Worked both days in the heat - plenty of time to think, at least when not finishing up the last of the Binti books. Such a great series. I really enjoyed them. But yeah - i did work both days - no days off, and got up early to ride on Saturday, and got the shopping done early sunday. Staying busy is what it is, relax? Recover? chill? Nah. Fuck that. Me time? that's what happens on the bike to and from work.
I had more significant stuff I wanted to unload out of my brain but, well it is stuck there in a log jam at the moment and the G'ster stuff is all that made it through today.
Weather is looking suspect for tomorrow's Smackdown, might have to do the car thing with the kid anyway, we'll see.
for now - back to work
heddwch
G
Thursday, July 11, 2019
Books are like?
Like the best drugs perhaps?
They take you places you wouldn't go alone, they transform you and poke at your brain and fire off amazing chemical cascades and reactions and...
and then...
even the longest ones...
end
and you're left alone
that mind altering drug is just a residue, you're left with a feeling of having lived that life if the book is well written.
Perhaps it is just me that feels like this.
I don't think so.
I hope not.
But still
I tend to accumulate stuff, i'm possessive as hell, not a good thing sometimes, but that desire goes along thoughts and emotions and catalogs behaviors, sure they are mostly just the fabric of creation from other humans who can tell a story, but then telling stories is human. No? Sharing, we're communal, and unfortunately tribal.
I had an interesting flashback of some serious PTSD last night. Cronoman shared a photo from the Waterville CX race. Holy shit what a weekend. Of course I can't tell all of what is being discussed in the FB page because Chabot is still blocking me over there. Kind of funny in a way, but in this case it doesn't change any of the emotions the flashback of the night recalled. When I go back and think about it, the drinking was always fun, but never ended up fun, if I had plunked my current sober self in there i might have actually had more fun, or maybe no fun, certainly different memories. But I guess looking back on the past is like looking back wondering why I didn't do this or that, getting old is the reward I suppose, we grow old and look back in furious anger at our ignorant younger past, trying to judge our past actions on current hard earned wisdom.
DB was talking about his mother and her return to drinking and then finally joining AA to make it stick the second time. I mentioned to him about some of the dreams that terrify me. someone hands me a beer in my dreams and I have to drink it, and I don't want to, I'm terrified, illogically but literally wake up scared that I might drink it. Rationally it doesn't make much sense, should be strong enough to just have a taste right? Not a problem. But then when I quite drinking coffee those years back, after a year I would go have a fancy espresso before a ride. And absolutely relish and delight in the pleasure of the taste and that buzz. That turned into a once a month, into a just before a hard ride on the weekend, to just before races and then to the current pot a day habit. Less than a year. So no, while yes I should be able to, I am pretty sure I shouldn't. esp if my dreams scare the crap out of me like that. I find it kind of amusing actually, I've used emotional scars more effectively than electroshock therapy. Probably a bit tied in with so many suicides in my life, capped by the celebrity suicide of Anthony B.
My brain has been off and distant lately. Reading books yeah. Finished the last of Greg Bear's War Dog series. Intense 3 book ride. Also reading/listening to Medusa Uploaded, finished book 2 of Timothy Zahn's Quadrail Series the other day. easier to escape there than deal with reality? or am I escaping to there because I'm having to deal so intently with reality when I'm engaged in it?
The TT starts tonight, weather is def not nearly as hot as forecast, but it is humid. And I'm going to go at it on the Klein Quantum Pro. No aero wheels, no aero helmet, no fancy bars, nothing. Just me, the bike, the clock and the road. Not going to go do a double today, that would be dumb. maybe next week. For now, go out, make it happen, and just focus on getting home. Perhaps figuring out how to do a lap time display and do a second 20 min interval post TT on the way home. That might be most efficient, get the two efforts in, and get home. Smackdown went better this week but they all went a bit slower and no Bikeworks guys showed up. We did have a big group of 15-17. I got dropped but caught back on, it wasn't a terrible night.
Brain dump time over - back to intensity, and soon riding bikes.
heddwch
G
They take you places you wouldn't go alone, they transform you and poke at your brain and fire off amazing chemical cascades and reactions and...
and then...
even the longest ones...
end
and you're left alone
that mind altering drug is just a residue, you're left with a feeling of having lived that life if the book is well written.
Perhaps it is just me that feels like this.
I don't think so.
I hope not.
But still
I tend to accumulate stuff, i'm possessive as hell, not a good thing sometimes, but that desire goes along thoughts and emotions and catalogs behaviors, sure they are mostly just the fabric of creation from other humans who can tell a story, but then telling stories is human. No? Sharing, we're communal, and unfortunately tribal.
I had an interesting flashback of some serious PTSD last night. Cronoman shared a photo from the Waterville CX race. Holy shit what a weekend. Of course I can't tell all of what is being discussed in the FB page because Chabot is still blocking me over there. Kind of funny in a way, but in this case it doesn't change any of the emotions the flashback of the night recalled. When I go back and think about it, the drinking was always fun, but never ended up fun, if I had plunked my current sober self in there i might have actually had more fun, or maybe no fun, certainly different memories. But I guess looking back on the past is like looking back wondering why I didn't do this or that, getting old is the reward I suppose, we grow old and look back in furious anger at our ignorant younger past, trying to judge our past actions on current hard earned wisdom.
DB was talking about his mother and her return to drinking and then finally joining AA to make it stick the second time. I mentioned to him about some of the dreams that terrify me. someone hands me a beer in my dreams and I have to drink it, and I don't want to, I'm terrified, illogically but literally wake up scared that I might drink it. Rationally it doesn't make much sense, should be strong enough to just have a taste right? Not a problem. But then when I quite drinking coffee those years back, after a year I would go have a fancy espresso before a ride. And absolutely relish and delight in the pleasure of the taste and that buzz. That turned into a once a month, into a just before a hard ride on the weekend, to just before races and then to the current pot a day habit. Less than a year. So no, while yes I should be able to, I am pretty sure I shouldn't. esp if my dreams scare the crap out of me like that. I find it kind of amusing actually, I've used emotional scars more effectively than electroshock therapy. Probably a bit tied in with so many suicides in my life, capped by the celebrity suicide of Anthony B.
My brain has been off and distant lately. Reading books yeah. Finished the last of Greg Bear's War Dog series. Intense 3 book ride. Also reading/listening to Medusa Uploaded, finished book 2 of Timothy Zahn's Quadrail Series the other day. easier to escape there than deal with reality? or am I escaping to there because I'm having to deal so intently with reality when I'm engaged in it?
The TT starts tonight, weather is def not nearly as hot as forecast, but it is humid. And I'm going to go at it on the Klein Quantum Pro. No aero wheels, no aero helmet, no fancy bars, nothing. Just me, the bike, the clock and the road. Not going to go do a double today, that would be dumb. maybe next week. For now, go out, make it happen, and just focus on getting home. Perhaps figuring out how to do a lap time display and do a second 20 min interval post TT on the way home. That might be most efficient, get the two efforts in, and get home. Smackdown went better this week but they all went a bit slower and no Bikeworks guys showed up. We did have a big group of 15-17. I got dropped but caught back on, it wasn't a terrible night.
Brain dump time over - back to intensity, and soon riding bikes.
heddwch
G
Tuesday, July 02, 2019
ride forever or ride fast
Right now I can do one but not the other.
Found that out at smackdown tonight. That or well, I suppose if I hadn't been dropped and had been riding with others maybe i wouldn't have been as slow riding alone. It wasn't terrible, but it still wasn't fun getting shelled there on Prospect just at the end. The Bikeworks gang attacks each stop light like a race, slow... clear... SPRINT.
Wave good bye.
It's okay, I was out there. I made an attempt and well my coach is much better preparing me for being able to ride long distances. Probably because it is better suited to me. Slow. Easy to go slow. Easy to be slow for a long time. Well I suppose not for everyone, but for me at least.
Time to work on transitioning into something a bit faster than the version of me that made an attempt to race CX last fall. I'd like to be faster than that.
Should be possible. Gonna need a plan more complicated than the one that got me through the Michigan Coast to Coast Gravel Grinder intact.
Thought a little about that tonight on the ride. Also was thinking maybe I should actually bring a road bike with a gear that i'm not spinning out at 25mph. Maybe it is time to pull the Klein off the hooks. Also thinking about the paramount and the TT starting next week. Do I ride that old alloy fork that is a bit flexy and old? Or do I skip it until I get a new fork or get the old fork fixed? Maybe it is a cannibal year for the TT. Klein it up.
Thinking - all the thinking. Don't have time to put much into action. Still buried from being gone, both at the shop and at work.
The RI Red Rooster Ronde went off well. Big enough crowd to call it a successful event, small enough to to overwhelm the Johnny's Place grand opening/open house. Weather was perfect for it too. I did die about 10 miles from the finish, probably should have eaten more food on Friday, and Saturday morning and probably should have eaten something during the ride. I was, how you say maybe, empty. not bonked, just tired. still not recovered? No I think just under fueled and exhausted. Like really really fucking tired. REALLY tired saturday. Rallied a bit for Sunday and built bikes. Way more to do there. Steady progress though.
Got bad news on Saturday. My mother fell while hiking with my step dad in the high cascades, 40-50 min drive outside of Winthrop, WA. She broke her ankle (pilon fracture) and her shoulder. Took 2 hours to get her out of the mountains once they got to her. She was hypothermic and in shock and got a helicopter ride to Wenatchee. Has been there since. Surgery on the ankle Saturday, again today. Immobile for a very long time, which will be challenging for an infinite number of reasons. So yeah that's adding a layer to everything. Working through the work, doing my best and accepting that it is what I can do and being okay with that. The frustrating is dissipating, but the work isn't. So getting back to normal. Still def NOT looking forward to taking more than a day off here or there. But I have a feeling that I'll be flying back to Seattle for another week sooner than later, given the state of my parents.
Well time to think about maybe sleeping, might be partly caught up because I can't sleep in much but I have been able to fall asleep. So, that's not terrible. Time to figure out some intervals. Always easier when you have some good positive extrinsic motivation, but hey, still can work on actually crafting a plan. Unfortunately I need to start some running if I'm gonna single speed this shit in CX season. Running, intervals, maybe something will happen. Maybe this is the year I do what we did back with MLFN and we ride to the TT early, do a full gas one and then the second full gas one as the official TT. two 20ish minute intervals. Probably not a terrible place to begin. Maybe an every other week trip up Tower Hill, maybe some of those 20/20s or something. I'll think about it while riding..back and forth to work.
Now I might read a bit before getting some sleep.
Still hungry, but maybe I need to stay hungry... could stand to lose a few more pounds, but... hmmm...
oh well
heddwch
G
Found that out at smackdown tonight. That or well, I suppose if I hadn't been dropped and had been riding with others maybe i wouldn't have been as slow riding alone. It wasn't terrible, but it still wasn't fun getting shelled there on Prospect just at the end. The Bikeworks gang attacks each stop light like a race, slow... clear... SPRINT.
Wave good bye.
It's okay, I was out there. I made an attempt and well my coach is much better preparing me for being able to ride long distances. Probably because it is better suited to me. Slow. Easy to go slow. Easy to be slow for a long time. Well I suppose not for everyone, but for me at least.
Time to work on transitioning into something a bit faster than the version of me that made an attempt to race CX last fall. I'd like to be faster than that.
Should be possible. Gonna need a plan more complicated than the one that got me through the Michigan Coast to Coast Gravel Grinder intact.
Thought a little about that tonight on the ride. Also was thinking maybe I should actually bring a road bike with a gear that i'm not spinning out at 25mph. Maybe it is time to pull the Klein off the hooks. Also thinking about the paramount and the TT starting next week. Do I ride that old alloy fork that is a bit flexy and old? Or do I skip it until I get a new fork or get the old fork fixed? Maybe it is a cannibal year for the TT. Klein it up.
Thinking - all the thinking. Don't have time to put much into action. Still buried from being gone, both at the shop and at work.
The RI Red Rooster Ronde went off well. Big enough crowd to call it a successful event, small enough to to overwhelm the Johnny's Place grand opening/open house. Weather was perfect for it too. I did die about 10 miles from the finish, probably should have eaten more food on Friday, and Saturday morning and probably should have eaten something during the ride. I was, how you say maybe, empty. not bonked, just tired. still not recovered? No I think just under fueled and exhausted. Like really really fucking tired. REALLY tired saturday. Rallied a bit for Sunday and built bikes. Way more to do there. Steady progress though.
Got bad news on Saturday. My mother fell while hiking with my step dad in the high cascades, 40-50 min drive outside of Winthrop, WA. She broke her ankle (pilon fracture) and her shoulder. Took 2 hours to get her out of the mountains once they got to her. She was hypothermic and in shock and got a helicopter ride to Wenatchee. Has been there since. Surgery on the ankle Saturday, again today. Immobile for a very long time, which will be challenging for an infinite number of reasons. So yeah that's adding a layer to everything. Working through the work, doing my best and accepting that it is what I can do and being okay with that. The frustrating is dissipating, but the work isn't. So getting back to normal. Still def NOT looking forward to taking more than a day off here or there. But I have a feeling that I'll be flying back to Seattle for another week sooner than later, given the state of my parents.
Well time to think about maybe sleeping, might be partly caught up because I can't sleep in much but I have been able to fall asleep. So, that's not terrible. Time to figure out some intervals. Always easier when you have some good positive extrinsic motivation, but hey, still can work on actually crafting a plan. Unfortunately I need to start some running if I'm gonna single speed this shit in CX season. Running, intervals, maybe something will happen. Maybe this is the year I do what we did back with MLFN and we ride to the TT early, do a full gas one and then the second full gas one as the official TT. two 20ish minute intervals. Probably not a terrible place to begin. Maybe an every other week trip up Tower Hill, maybe some of those 20/20s or something. I'll think about it while riding..back and forth to work.
Now I might read a bit before getting some sleep.
Still hungry, but maybe I need to stay hungry... could stand to lose a few more pounds, but... hmmm...
oh well
heddwch
G
Friday, June 28, 2019
lunch film
Life of Pie from Patagonia on Vimeo.
watched this eating lunch just now...
lunch took just that long to eat...
that's the time I had, and this time I'm stealing from the next spot - hopefully I'm not late.
Got me a bit teary eyed watching it. Probably means my emotions are on the ragged edge. I know they are. It has been ridiculously tough being back. There's literally no one else doing my job here. And even at the bike shop - not really there either. Coming back from a great trip to this overwhelming madness kind of sucks.
Feeling now is to just leave again and not come back until it is sorted out. Just step out. Figure your shit out and i'll come back and slip back in once everyone sorts it out. Which i guess they can't and probably won't. not that leaving and walking away is something I could or would do. Hell the car punched up a CEL on the next drive after being home. Awesome.
working hard to maintain the amor fati mental framework, but it is f'n hard.
i should probably go back and re-read and edit that long post about the race, make sure it makes sense and i'm not doing my usual and saying something that can be taken the wrong way.
Okay... oh RRRR is tomorrow - i feel pretty anxious and bad about how little energy and time i've committed to that ride this year, maybe next year we can work on that a bit better, or I just have to walk away from it... it is tough.
ah well
heddwch
G
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
linkage
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10219228794893952&id=1331144263
that may not work - but it is the first link to Jeff's FB post - I guess I should link to my post sharing that, but... you'd have to be friends with one of us, neither link is public.
And then it turns out Tony has a blog:https://tmaravolo.blogspot.com/2019/06/2019-coast-to-coast-gravel-grinder.html
Good write up - i almost just set up a photo with the swag (mug bottles t-shirt, top cap...) just now but didn't after seeing his photo.
Bunch of photos, I haven't scrolled through them yet:
https://www.robmeenderingphotography.com/Cycling/2019-Coast-to-Coast/
And then there are all my instagram posts - not gonna link em here - they are public - you can find em if you're interested.
#micoasttocoast is done...
until next year. Who wants to ride it with me? I'm hungry for that sunset prize!
that may not work - but it is the first link to Jeff's FB post - I guess I should link to my post sharing that, but... you'd have to be friends with one of us, neither link is public.
And then it turns out Tony has a blog:https://tmaravolo.blogspot.com/2019/06/2019-coast-to-coast-gravel-grinder.html
Good write up - i almost just set up a photo with the swag (mug bottles t-shirt, top cap...) just now but didn't after seeing his photo.
Bunch of photos, I haven't scrolled through them yet:
https://www.robmeenderingphotography.com/Cycling/2019-Coast-to-Coast/
And then there are all my instagram posts - not gonna link em here - they are public - you can find em if you're interested.
#micoasttocoast is done...
until next year. Who wants to ride it with me? I'm hungry for that sunset prize!
Other people's video of the Gravel Grinder
This one has sound and is short, a quick highlight.
This one is a full race compressed into 51 min. At the 1:21 mark or so in this timelapse you see the mud and how it stopped, we were stacked up deep as people came to a stop and gingerly and slowly worked through the mud, vs the first group that flew through in the above video and this one.
MI Coast to Coast write up
(written on Sunday and Monday June 23 & 24)
---Monday--2019-06-24---
Somehow I thought it would be fine over the next leg even though they said it was the hardest leg. I didn’t realize it was not just the hilliest, but also 10 miles longer than the other legs and we were now in the hottest part of the day.
Now with a bit more water we started to really hit the most challenging sections: The sand and two track through the Big M leading up to Dublin. It was fun but it was brutal, a lot of upper body stuff. It was slow and challenging. But I had fun with it and did pretty well in it. The bike and tires were perfect, well as perfect as it could be for it without being a Fat bike or a MTB.
After math
Well I finished. All done. Made it.
Did not get in before sunset. Couple factors there - but I did finish.
Pre-ride meeting was one thing, we drove over to look at the start, then up to the hotel. Jeff and Nancy let me crash in their room, therma-rest over air mattress. We had an early dinner out, then headed back to the room. And we were all horizontal by 7:30 or so. Jeff discovered American Ninja warrior, he’d never seen it before, hotel TV is a novelty eh? Turned it off at 9:30. It was still light outside. But we sacked out until 3:45. left the hotel at 5;05, got to the start and parked and loaded by 5:40 am. grabbed a few photos - dipped the wheels in the lake.
And rolled out. we didn’t stage near the front, among the last group to roll out through the neutral chaos of the water filled potholes and then the hub deep mud along one stretch. There was one semi-passable line (barely walkable -def not rideable) and we bunched up heavily there too.
My eyes keep closing trying to write this at 2pm on Sunday. Why? Well the whole day in the saddle, and then going to bed at 2:30, 75 min away from being awake for 24 hours, pedaling for 14:45 of that.
might try and see if eyes can stay closed….
---Monday--2019-06-24---
Lets give this another try - slept well last night. Woke up at 6am, put some of those sleep blinder things on to block out the sun and got another couple hours of needed sleep.
I’ve been drinking some good high test coffee this morning and am jacked. Had a great phone conversation with a former co-worker who is now in the imaging rep side of things and we always have a great conversation about microscopes and a little about life and other things but mostly microscope nerd level stuff. And that’s fun.
Ate some avocado toast with a bit of cheese. Drinking coffee… Tom headed off to the office after a bit this morning. But the lawn mowing guys showed up and it is loud here right now.
Def feeling better today, almost human. Tiny bit of numbness in the toes on my left foot. The shoes are not perfect. But that was it. Helmet was awesome. Bibs were great, bike above reproach, wheels so amazing, tires were also perfect.
So if we roll back a bit to where I was trying to write on Sunday afternoon unable to keep my eyes open (I did actually fall asleep by some miracle) We’d just left the mud bog.
I think we were probably in the last 10% of the field. Maybe even lower than that. We were in the party, relaxed section. But it was flat, we were fresh, and there was a tailwind and we could see people ahead of us. No one was passing us though. Yeah we were close to last. And that’s fine. Consistentcy is more important than going out hard and blowing up. Up to check point one were were going great. Big Tony, Jeff and I were rotating through, picking up people and more people. Our little group swelled to about 16 people at the first check point. Tailwind and fresh legs. I was still not working hard at all. But we did see the only stretch with real gravel on the road. And yeah there was one line through it. It was maybe half a mile. But literally one single line. Everything else was really pretty much packed dirt roads. Some pavement, not much. And then the sand, but not there yet.
We rolled into Checkpoint one. We had a nature break about 15-20 miles before the checkpoint. I ate one of the two sandwiches I had made this morning and packed with me. Thin slicked smoked turkey, cheese, mayo, dijon on seven grain bread. It was delicious. The mayo was the key - smooth silky and yummy. I had started with two bottles of coffee. I had 24oz of iced coffee when I woke up, grabbed a 12 oz cup at the breakfast service where I made an english muffin sandwich with some shitty egg like thin and two sausage patties. I also drank a bottle of blueberry kefir for breakfast. Nearly finished both bottles at the rest stop, but not quite.
Started with arm and knee warmers. Before putting those on i did cover myself in blue lizard. And then put the knee and arm warmers on. for the start. It was cold. So many people riding in bare knees in 48 F temps. Nuts. It wasn’t that warm. And it didn’t warm up enough to make knee and arm warmers uncomfortable before the check point.
Started with arm and knee warmers. Before putting those on i did cover myself in blue lizard. And then put the knee and arm warmers on. for the start. It was cold. So many people riding in bare knees in 48 F temps. Nuts. It wasn’t that warm. And it didn’t warm up enough to make knee and arm warmers uncomfortable before the check point.
Shedded the knee and arm warmers and then put on enough blue lizard (sensitive stuff - just the base and zinc and titanium oxide) to make me pretty literally a pallid shade of white. But i think i actually missed a spot above the sock line on my left ankle. Means I have a very very painful section. Also a pretty damn amazing proof of efficacy for the sunscreen. I put it on once. I put a bit more on my face at Check point 2, but not the arms or legs. I made another sandwich. I ate a Grillos Hot (spicy not temp) pickle, took a tiny swig of the brine. Put a 3rd bottle in the jersey with a single serving packet of scratch in it. And that was it. Plugged the phone during the stop. Didn’t charge the garmin. we took a group photo and headed out.
Leaving CP1 we hit some hills pretty soon. Not hills so much as a bit of elevation. We started slowly climbing. And Tony started draggin a bit. Roads were def more dirt. But it was fun, still catching people and riding through them. A few came through us but not many at least at first. And then we turned onto a road with the photog’s car parked and an endless view of water filled holes most spanning the whole ‘road’ trail.. Jeff said “OH I remember THIS!” Fuck. He’s on a hardtail Mt bike. Tony is on a C-dale CX bike with 35c tires, maybe 38s. I’m on my bike, i’ll dig that thing through soon, it was significant. Jeff and I were just floating through, line choice was critical and it was very much mt biking, there was some sand, but mostly water and we could find a dry line. And then it ends in a sand pit. Seasonal road, ends in single track sand. Jeff bails but then gets back on soon and rides away through the sand. I stand there and wait looking for Tony. Tony eventually shows up, people come by me, walking. I get back on and ride and it is fun and I drill it, catch Jeff and hammer some more, feeling good, not working just having fun.
But those guys are way back. I find a shady spot, stop. Jeff rolls up. And eventually Tony comes on up. And we roll on. Two track turns to dirt. Lots of OVRs, quads and quads. Groups of them. People riding these things together - eating huge plumes of each other’s dust. I don’t get it. But hey. We’re the idiots on bikes riding across the state.
Tony starts really slowing down now. Each tiny bit of elevation is tough. Turns out he didn’t eat a sandwich or anything other than some twizzlers and a mini-coke? at CP1.
(time to go spin for an hour before the rain)
The ride just now was great - an hour long easy spin with Tom, it was windy, and humid as fuck but not raining it felt great to feel great on the bike. Contact points were fantastic.
Then had some lunch, talked more climbing, about the film last night and altitude adaptations and other random shit (Tom has climbed Rainier 42 times, and Hood and McKinley dozens of times - yeah he was a guide out there before begrudgingly becoming a lawyer).
And now finally getting back to this.
So it was getting a bit warmer, but not terrible, but it was dusty, and we were cruising. Waiting for Tony meant that Jeff and I were just tooling along, taking it easy, relaxed just pedaling along. Timed the water pretty well. I’d drink the first bottle that was in the jersey, the one with the skratch labs in it, then the coffee and then finally the water, eating the sandwich somewhere along the way, always a second sandwich ready to go. I did stuff some extra food in my mouth at the first stop - but that was the pickle and a few extra slices of smoked turkey.
When we got to CP2 Tony was hurting. But Jeff and Tony sat down on some chairs and their wives got them sandwiches and candy and mini-cokes and stuff. I plugged in the garmin, the phone, started making a sandwich, put a few dabs more sun screen on my nose. One of the single speed guys had a flat - he wanted to buy a tube, i tried to give him the tube he gave me $20, and i tried to give it back but didn’t. And told him I have more tubes if he needs them.
I went in to take a leak - wanted to put a touch more bag balm on but my bag with it was buried and we were getting ready to head out so I declined to put nancy through the effort. I unplugged the shit - we took a photo and we headed out. I drank maybe a bottle of water at the stop, ate my pickle took a swig of the brine and that was it. Headed out after the photo feeling awesome. Bottle of coffee, bottle of water, bottle of skratch. No big deal I finished the other legs with left over.
Somehow I thought it would be fine over the next leg even though they said it was the hardest leg. I didn’t realize it was not just the hilliest, but also 10 miles longer than the other legs and we were now in the hottest part of the day.
So yeah. I think that is called literary foreshadowing.
Yes, I should have looked more closely. But I don’t really drink that much usually. 60 miles with 3 full bottles even in the summer shouldn’t be an issue.
When we left CP2 I felt great, Jeff was in good spirits, Tony was doing great but not super quick, I figured it was just him warming back up after sitting. And then we were on roads with the wind at our back, that were flat, and Tony was doing about 10mph. I started doing some mental calculations, not my strong suit, this was going to take a while. But I hung out. Jeff kept saying just go ahead, Tony will understand, Nancy will be there at the checkpoint, just go. I waited and didn’t want to leave them. How many people dragged my ass back into shape? So many friends waited on the long rides when I was slow and suffering. But this wasn’t just a training ride. Jeff kept saying “You drove all the way from CT” Jeff I live in Rhode Island “Right RI/CT same thing, anyway that is a long way, just go, take off - see if you can make it by sunset, Tony will totally understand.”
At that point the single speed guy I sold a tube to for $20 came by on the wheel of another tall guy, they were doing 20. Jeff said - go, I went.
At that point the single speed guy I sold a tube to for $20 came by on the wheel of another tall guy, they were doing 20. Jeff said - go, I went.
I tagged on to those two, the Single speed guy was happy to have me join but said he wouldn’t be able to pull, and hell that was fine by me. This big kid (might not have even been 30) was looking strong. Why was he this far back I wonder. Maybe like SS guy he had a big mechanical. Whatever it was this was a comfortable pace and we were moving. Tim and I were taking turns, yeah Tim. Turns out he is from California, signed up to do the team relay with a friend but he didn’t come all that way to just to half of it so he rode the first half with his friend and then his leg was the second half and that’s how we wound up together. A couple miles later after a climb and a descent single speed guy was gone. He got dropped at some point and we didn’t notice, and we didn’t wait long.
It was fun, but then it started getting tough. It was getting warm and exposed. More and more sand. Tim would be faster over a hill and then I’d be faster over the hill, we’d take turns being the stronger one. I ate, I drank. And before too long I was down to not much water. Way too soon to be that low. Fuck.
I was doing fine, we were rolling along not a problem. I had just less than a half a bottle of Skratch left. Two empty bottles. And my left leg, abductor, medial quad head and hamstring start feeling like they are going to cramp. you know that pre-cramp feeling. I tried not pedaling for a bit - that made it worse, I had to soft pedal through it - got a little better but then started flaring up. Gave in and drank most of the last of the bottle. Cramp went away.
But now I was 15-20 miles from CP3 and essentially out of water. And it was sunny as fuck.
I started to mentally crack. Tim was awesome, he was patient, we had some great conversations riding together.
And from the moment I joined in with him we were passing people. Lots of people. How many? I dunno. But Looking at the checkpoint numbers I came in to CP2 63rd, and came into CP3 cracked and riding dehydrated and struggling at 43rd. Or something and that’s just my age group. It is hard to check the results from the mobile browser. Maybe I’ll be able to see more once I get home on a big computer.
So we’re rolling through the middle of nothing. No houses, just boarded up cabins. There was one party outside - but my brain didn’t register it soon enough to stop and ask for water. We kept pedaling.
At one crossing there was a woman sitting in the back of an open minivan cheering people on. I hit the brakes and asked maybe if she had any water. She did. I had been out for a while. I drank nearly a whole bottle and gave myself a brain freeze and filled up the bottle one more time and thanked her profusely. The $20 bill was sitting in the bag in the sag vehicle or i would have given it to her. Now a note of clarification. it isn’t okay to have contact with your own support vehicle on the ride outside of the checkpoints. But this wasn’t my sag support and I needed the water or who knows what might have happened out there. It would have been worse, and I am really grateful for the water. I probably should have asked if I could fill up all my bottles but that felt like asking too much.
Now with a bit more water we started to really hit the most challenging sections: The sand and two track through the Big M leading up to Dublin. It was fun but it was brutal, a lot of upper body stuff. It was slow and challenging. But I had fun with it and did pretty well in it. The bike and tires were perfect, well as perfect as it could be for it without being a Fat bike or a MTB.
I tried to push. From CP3 it was only 45 miles to the finish. Sunset award/prize cut off was 9:30ish, knowing that, I knew we were close to being able to make it, maybe, maybe not, but there was a chance now, if I could make a quick turn around at the CP.
I rolled in to the CP3. It seemed to take forever to get there. Nancy was set up in a really awesome visible spot. I rolled in and they said I looked HORRIBLE. I felt it. I went straight to a bottle off Skratch, no more just water. I ate a few peices of steak (nancy was grilling some steak at the CP). I drank maybe two bottles at the pit stop, had a pickle, sipped some more brine, charged the Garmin, plugged the phone in but left it plugged in as I rode away, carrying the battery with me. I had to mount the lights. Of course the number plate didn’t work with the lower Blender mount so I had to tear a slot in the plate for the light to slide on. I packed the back up light, instead of trying to make a sandwich I stuffed a few cliff bars in.
All that took way too long. How long? I have no idea but Nancy said I rolled out at 7:04. I looked way better. I felt way better. And when I started pedaling I felt great. And I started pushing it again. And pushing it. I took a couple wrong turns. It is harder to navigate alone. None of the turns were too far off but they took time. Almost immediately out of Dublin we were on a single track. It was super fun, smooth and flowy.
Everyone kept talking about Koon this Koon that. I was pushing it - as much as I could but the wrong turns put me behind a few people, or I passed them more than once. And then we got to the top of the monster downhill. Problem was the bottom of it was 2-4” of the driest finest sand… hit it wrong and KABOOM. I didn’t hit it wrong but I’m pretty good in the sand and the 45c tire up front with the 25mm ID rim was perfect. I stopped to take a shot of the SLOW DOWN sign, and then a guy rolled up asked if I was okay and then took a picture of me with the sign. My mental caption was HOW CAN I SLOW DOWN IF I’M ALREADY GOING THIS SLOW!
I got to mile 180, looked at the cue sheet, and my brain got excited. 180. Shit, that’s awesome, 20 miles to go! Wait that’s not right 180-210...hmm yeah no that’s right 20 miles! HOLY SHIT I HAVE JUST OVER AN HOUR BEFORE SUNSET I CAN MAKE IT TO THE FINISH IF I CRUSH IT!
And
I
CRUSHED IT
I dug deep, and found lots there. I was flying past people. Picking them off one by one. just motoring. Having a fucking blast. Being absolutely ecstatic that I had this much in the tank to do a 20 mile ‘sprint’ after 180 miles of dirt and gravel and sand.
And then I got to mile 197… and realized… wait… I still have 13 miles to go, sunset is like fucking right now.
Fuck.
I stopped and took a picture of the sunset colors backlighting a barn and I lost motivation and focus and while I didn’t slow down that much, I certainly slowed down. Taking a photo took time out, then I had to piss. It was getting dark. I stopped, two guys I had passed a few miles back caught me mid-nature break. It was not terribly dark, and then the guy who took the photo of me at the slow down spot caught up to me. Oof. That sucked. but it was good, we chatted, I told him my bad mental calculation and we headed in together. A couple more passed and I came in the tail end of a group of 8, all that I had passed but then when I knew there was no chance of catching the lake at sunset… well… yeah. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t have it in me, it was more that it wasn’t worth it. Also I tried to get my light to a lower steady level, i had put in on the low flash level. It would have lasted 30 min at high and that might not have been enough, but maybe but didn’t want to risk it but I couldn’t get it to stop at the right spot. cycled through it 3 times. and gave up. flashing. so riding with others and mooching some of their light was nice. Didn’t have to dig out the backup light and try and mount that.
There was one last hill. Of course. But after that hill we rolled down into Luddington, and across the line. I let him roll ahead and eased in across the timing mat at 10:20pm.
There was just a tiny bit of color over the lake so I walked down the sand with the bike, put the wheels in the lake and took a photo with it… went to get the chocolate milk and the pulled pork and coleslaw they had for finishers, stuffed that down, couldn’t eat the bun, the roof of my mouth was shredded, it hurt to chew and swallow. Maybe 14hrs and 45 min of breathing dust messed it up. I dunno, but i wound up just eating the meat. Went back and used a damp paper towel to remove this mass of brown dust and white sunscreen. It took a dozen or so just on my arms and legs before they weren’t filthy. Put clean socks on, pants and a shirt, my jacket… and then I noticed some really painful discomfort on the back of my left ankle. reached down to find my pant leg tucked into the sock. Odd that it hurt that much but whatever. untucked it, but it eventually hurt again.
As I mentioned earlier, yeah it was sunburnt. If I hadn’t had as much blue lizard on me it would have been a really painful day.
We drove back to Jeff’s place after they finished (an hour after I did). Tony made it. Jeff and Tony had a great time. He found some extra energy and revived a bit. Got back to Jeff and Nancy’s at 2am. Took a shower, and went to bed, If I had stayed up another 75 min I would have been awake for 24 hrs.
Woke up, tried to sleep in but didn’t really. Had coffee, chatted and then headed out.
I thought maybe about riding Sunday afternoon, but when I started this - i couldn’t keep my eyes open so I took a nap instead.
Went for the ride today. AND I FELT WONDERFUL on the bike. My back that has been bothering me? TOTALLY FINE. Seriously amazing. Haven’t felt this painfree in a very long time.
Kind of can’t wait to do this again.
Kind of can’t wait to do this again.
What would I do differently? Sag/CheckPoint primarily. #1 Make all the sandwiches/food ahead of time or have someone prep them before I get there. #2 have all the bottles premixed and in a cooler ready to grab and swap, with two extra per stop to drink there. #3 be a bit better organized with the charging set up. Maybe add one more bag for stuff, or go with one of those full length top tube bags. Maybe even go with a hydration pack for that 3rd leg. I had the legs to post a much better time, probably easily before sunset. But between not knowing what to expect and leaving CP2 under-prepareed, and this being the first time I’ve ridden this far, and done a gravel race this long, well - I’m suuuuuuuper stoked about how it went.
I’m super grateful for Nancy and Jeff supporting me. They let me sleep on the floor in their hotel room, wouldn’t take money for it. I was an extra body and bike and stuff but I tried to be as unobtrusive as possible.
I had fun. type 2 and type 1.
I would do it again in a heartbeat.
I’ll think of more to say later and do a separate thank you post. Because this has just gone on wayyyyy to long. Almost as long as the ride itself. I’m sure I’ve left out a bunch of details. But maybe those are things that are best told in person, on a ride.
Lets go for a ride, Eh?
heddwch
G
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Free solo interlude
Just got done watching free solo.
Lots to think about, and I was able to get up from the couch, so a bonus.
Trying to write these immediate impressions with the phone and swipe not so easy.
Words don't for quite the same. I lose my train of thought more like can't keep up. That but where they are talking about happy and cozy vs whatever it was, dammit brain remember, anyway if you've seen the movie (I might have been the last) maybe you remember. Live life with a determined propose, that sounds like it. Make something of it all.
Got me thinking. Just before trying to sleep. Really bad move GeWilli. Sleep has been elusive enough. At least I had no cramps over night or at all other than the phantom beginnings on the ride when I ran out of water.
I started typing up the ride report, going to leave it for tonight, post this, read a book, and try to sleep. Coffee today has been extremely low level and a long time ago. Perhaps this trip is enough to kick start the taper.
Well maybe I'll just close everything up and turn the lights off and listen to the frogs and the distant him off the highway and think until I fall asleep.
Heddwch
G
Friday, June 21, 2019
less than 12 hours to go
Less than 12 hours from now i'll be lining up at the start by this lighthouse
The lake is so high that all the docks are under water at the marina and the land is barely inches above the water surface. And actually the road we are going to be starting on is under water, the surface is mud, so messy that the road is closed to traffic. Going to be starting in a mud pit and yeah - the bike doesn't have great mud tires or clearance. And we're starting with 500 other people.
time to be a bit more social... no more clacking/typing... maybe i'll have more time later... Haven't had coffee since 10:30 or so. Maybe I'll actually sleep? Air mattress shouldn't be the worst.
Gonna be interesting. Not sure what to expect, slightly anxious but not about the pedaling. Should be fun though. It's good hanging out, would be cool to have a good night sleep. Going to be a really early start.
time to not do this for now...
heddwch
G
the drive and thoughts
Sureal is the best way to say it.
Most of the drive was listening to The Power. Odd in a way, not sure I totally agree with the whole power is the only thing changing things but perhaps there’s more to it.
Life is strange - driving back here is stranger. The highways once I got north of Toledo became oddly familiar but only in glimpses.
The concrete road surfaces.
I’m tired - it is almost midnight.
window open, rain is falling, am going to try and sleep.
writing to summon the Zzzs perhaps…
more later perhaps
(later)
Eventually fell asleep, woke up at 6:15 to the sound of trains and highway, and rain, fell back asleep until 8:15 when i could feel the coffee headache brewing - been drinking coffee since - it is now 11:30 - showered and loaded with enough coffee to neurologically disable most normal humans (we’ll see how that pans out) heading out to get lunch here in a few, maybe tour around the old hood and stuff. See the old bike shop in the new spot.
It rained all night - still raining, might taper tonight enough to get in a spin out the legs ride before it gets dark. gonna just roll with it. Need to sort out the stuff into check point bags. Still debating the coffee solution. Perhaps maybe just make enough coffee. Tomorrow. Really just need 4 bottles worth of it. Maybe make it tonight and ice it and keep it cold. One bottle per check point. But then maybe I don’t need one at that 3rd check point, the last 50 are going to be late - coffee shouldn’t be needed but then we’ve gotta drive back at the end of the race, although if I plan for two bottles at/before the start - one to drink immediately after waking up the other to drink while making the way there and then the 3rd AM bottle on the cage. That should be a kick start enough to only need to replace the bottles through the day.
It rained all night - still raining, might taper tonight enough to get in a spin out the legs ride before it gets dark. gonna just roll with it. Need to sort out the stuff into check point bags. Still debating the coffee solution. Perhaps maybe just make enough coffee. Tomorrow. Really just need 4 bottles worth of it. Maybe make it tonight and ice it and keep it cold. One bottle per check point. But then maybe I don’t need one at that 3rd check point, the last 50 are going to be late - coffee shouldn’t be needed but then we’ve gotta drive back at the end of the race, although if I plan for two bottles at/before the start - one to drink immediately after waking up the other to drink while making the way there and then the 3rd AM bottle on the cage. That should be a kick start enough to only need to replace the bottles through the day.
of course i’m worring about something stupid like coffee timing and amounts and how…
Guess that’s a good sign? Making sandwiches, now that’s another thing to overthink. Kind of thinking that loading the bread up with mustard and mayo will make it soggy but that’s not always the worst but then putting a layer on the turkey slices with the cheese against the bread.
Guess that’s a good sign? Making sandwiches, now that’s another thing to overthink. Kind of thinking that loading the bread up with mustard and mayo will make it soggy but that’s not always the worst but then putting a layer on the turkey slices with the cheese against the bread.
time to head out for lunch - no more writing about food - time to go eat some.
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
Count down
to the road trip and departure...
am I ready? nope, not yet.
am I still tired? Yup. Have not been able to fall asleep last couple nights, despite cutting back on coffee and stopping drinking it earlier. weird and annoying...
but even with the touch of insomnia i'm feeling a bit less exhausted. I did totally say f'it last night - sat down on the couch and watched a couple episodes of Chopped instead of doing anything productive... needed a mental and physical break. TV worked for that.
I've got books loaded up on the tablet - audio ones - that should free up phone for navigation and comms and stuff. And battery lasts forever on the big device.
i've got 8800 mAh of back up power spread over 3 batteries. Just gotta keep that Garmin going. Should be good I think. Phone I'll run in super low power mode. Basically use it as a camera/video camera unless needed. I dunno - shits kind of either ready to go or not.
I have to switch wheels - still has the road wheels on there, but will wait to do that till thursday or friday. Gotta remember to pack those tools tho...
it is an adventure, right? should be fun... got some great books lined up to listen to, and one old book I haven't managed to get past the first chapter, Neuromancer. I hated the lead up in the peripheral but I made it through it and was good by the end so figure maybe that's the only way I can get through a gibson book, not read it.
got food sorted maybe - at least part of it. going with smoked turkey and cheddar on some soft seven grain bread. No egg but a touch of mustard and some mayo. will make em probably friday but the meat and cheese is in the freezer right now. Why? I want food I'm used to eating made from stuff of known quantity without having to stress over sourcing stuff to the level i'm comfortable eating - and more importantly what will perturb my fueling the least.
I did kind of day dream about McD's cheeseburgers as ride fuel. They aren't totally real food, but they are pretty damn easy to eat in a few bites... but the turkey and cheese should be way better. Maybe pick up some swedish fish or something as a sugar snack or who knows what else. Going to try and avoid soda/coke and gels and that stuff. Hoping to get one of the big to go coffee things on Thursday or Friday, charbucks or wherever.
And fucking just ride... gonna be an adventure... if i forget something it will be just another added element of the adventure...
Right now that same feeling of Amor Fati that took over the start of last week and made it all good is coming back, esp when I think about what i'm not remembering, i'll embrace what happens and enjoy the process and the experience.
so yeah... i gotta get out of here - I have a LOT to do before leaving tomorrow early.
heddwch
G
am I ready? nope, not yet.
am I still tired? Yup. Have not been able to fall asleep last couple nights, despite cutting back on coffee and stopping drinking it earlier. weird and annoying...
but even with the touch of insomnia i'm feeling a bit less exhausted. I did totally say f'it last night - sat down on the couch and watched a couple episodes of Chopped instead of doing anything productive... needed a mental and physical break. TV worked for that.
I've got books loaded up on the tablet - audio ones - that should free up phone for navigation and comms and stuff. And battery lasts forever on the big device.
i've got 8800 mAh of back up power spread over 3 batteries. Just gotta keep that Garmin going. Should be good I think. Phone I'll run in super low power mode. Basically use it as a camera/video camera unless needed. I dunno - shits kind of either ready to go or not.
I have to switch wheels - still has the road wheels on there, but will wait to do that till thursday or friday. Gotta remember to pack those tools tho...
it is an adventure, right? should be fun... got some great books lined up to listen to, and one old book I haven't managed to get past the first chapter, Neuromancer. I hated the lead up in the peripheral but I made it through it and was good by the end so figure maybe that's the only way I can get through a gibson book, not read it.
got food sorted maybe - at least part of it. going with smoked turkey and cheddar on some soft seven grain bread. No egg but a touch of mustard and some mayo. will make em probably friday but the meat and cheese is in the freezer right now. Why? I want food I'm used to eating made from stuff of known quantity without having to stress over sourcing stuff to the level i'm comfortable eating - and more importantly what will perturb my fueling the least.
I did kind of day dream about McD's cheeseburgers as ride fuel. They aren't totally real food, but they are pretty damn easy to eat in a few bites... but the turkey and cheese should be way better. Maybe pick up some swedish fish or something as a sugar snack or who knows what else. Going to try and avoid soda/coke and gels and that stuff. Hoping to get one of the big to go coffee things on Thursday or Friday, charbucks or wherever.
And fucking just ride... gonna be an adventure... if i forget something it will be just another added element of the adventure...
Right now that same feeling of Amor Fati that took over the start of last week and made it all good is coming back, esp when I think about what i'm not remembering, i'll embrace what happens and enjoy the process and the experience.
so yeah... i gotta get out of here - I have a LOT to do before leaving tomorrow early.
heddwch
G
Friday, June 14, 2019
New frame day
Well first ride today. But new frame is the same as the old frame but this time a much louder color and much quieter. No creaking.
Finally.
Had moments of failing today already, taking a leak after getting to the office with this feeling of total dread, i really don't want to give the microscope training this afternoon. Not at all. I'm tired. But not the tired coffee fixes. But I need more coffee - the attempt to slow down the amount has worked but now i'm tired and lethargic.
I need a break.
But I need a break not just to go sit in the car for 30 hours and ride my bike for 210 miles in one stretch.
A legit break. Like yeah I don't have to wake up and drink coffee until I'm awake then move on to the next task and repeat with full attention and care until it is time to sleep. And then get up and do it again. Hell working in the shop just means I can wake up a little bit later but then feel guilty about not getting the morning stuff done and showing up later than planned.
And now i'm out of time to write.
So go read this. https://shoogslarrison.wordpress.com/2019/06/14/for-pop/
I'm still drying my eyes. My dad's in full time assisted care now. At least while his arm is healing (it is but really slowly), the disease basically has him chair or bed bound. PT is helping but they can't release him until he can do everything on his own. He couldn't before the fall and the break.
maybe i'll make the training extra short today... unlikely - i don't have it in me not to do my best...
heddwch
G
Finally.
Had moments of failing today already, taking a leak after getting to the office with this feeling of total dread, i really don't want to give the microscope training this afternoon. Not at all. I'm tired. But not the tired coffee fixes. But I need more coffee - the attempt to slow down the amount has worked but now i'm tired and lethargic.
I need a break.
But I need a break not just to go sit in the car for 30 hours and ride my bike for 210 miles in one stretch.
A legit break. Like yeah I don't have to wake up and drink coffee until I'm awake then move on to the next task and repeat with full attention and care until it is time to sleep. And then get up and do it again. Hell working in the shop just means I can wake up a little bit later but then feel guilty about not getting the morning stuff done and showing up later than planned.
And now i'm out of time to write.
So go read this. https://shoogslarrison.wordpress.com/2019/06/14/for-pop/
I'm still drying my eyes. My dad's in full time assisted care now. At least while his arm is healing (it is but really slowly), the disease basically has him chair or bed bound. PT is helping but they can't release him until he can do everything on his own. He couldn't before the fall and the break.
maybe i'll make the training extra short today... unlikely - i don't have it in me not to do my best...
heddwch
G
Thursday, June 13, 2019
that was fast
So from discovering/confirming a broken frame on Monday to ready to race/ride on Thursday.
Bike is ready for Michigan. I chatted with JS out there and things are dialed/lined up/ready to go there.
Now I just need to get in the car next week and drive to Michigan.
And figure out what I'm taking, what I'm wearing, what I'm going to eat/drink/whatever.
Gotta figure out lights although current idea is maybe just try and pack/get a few more spare battery backups, not just for the Garmin and my Phone but maybe one for the light too. But from the sounds of it, it doesn't need to work for too long and I'll be riding with a few folks that have good ones and hell maybe won't even need to turn it on. But better to be prepared. So maybe I'll try and borrow someone's just in case.
Kind of a double edge sword yesterday, but actually all good I guess. The newest scope broke. A pain, extra coordination and all that, but it also is down until Monday. Instead of giving back to back 6+ hours of trainings on it today I was able to stop into the shop early and put the bike together. It is POURING RAIN so I left it there. Might go home and come back with the car and pick it up, and size up the youngest for a bike to get back and forth from her stuff this summer. YAY MORE BIKES (where the hell am I going to put it - oops)
There have been a good number of normal triggers that send me off in the deep end this week, but managing to keep that cloud of depression away - or if not depression the sadness and grumpiness and all that - whatever it is the mad not happy me. Gotta figure out the cutting back on coffee thing. Maybe tomorrow. brain had a good meander without typing there between the 'happy me.' and 'Gotta' Not gonna try and recap where it went.
Maybe I should take some of this time between helping people with their questions (it is cool and kind of frustrating how excited people are to find me in my office and able to help them - because I'm not here very much). and get on the SEM and see if I can make the correlative stuff happen.
After I grab a coffee...
heddwch
G
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Change of plans
I was going to sit down and write - but I read Steve's post: https://allhailtheblackmarket.com/2019/06/until-we-meet-again-2/
(twitter link - tab was still open)
and started watching this:
This morning I had the house to myself. Everyone slept. I drank coffee listening to the rain on the roof. No school, no work, in-laws sleeping in. Just me. Just me and my coffee.
Riding in I was kind of filled with a massive sense of gratitude. Yesterday perhaps was transformative in a way. Absolute frustration, overwhelming emotions, kept in check, mutated and placated.
After a birthday dinner Gramps pulled out his phone, and started playing voicemails he's saved, some as early as 2003. That one in particular, the voice of our 2 year old, talking about the trip to the great TDI GTG in Toronto. Or London or where-ever it was. What struck me was people chipped in and covered part of my family's hotel room. And that catalog of pure unexpected gifts kind of kept rattling through my head. In the shower, and on the ride in, in those rain showers. I focused on these unexpected gifts, like the one in the mail yesterday, or the one that will be coming in the future via belgium, italy, belgium, colorado and finally providence. I've really been blessed.
I've been challenged, I've rarely taken the easy way out, but I'm not perfect, i'd love to say i have no regrets, I do, both in inaction and actions, words said and unsaid. This next week is going to be insane, overwhelming, a chaotic ball of shit to untangle, esp now that I'm adding building a new bike to the mix before traveling to a race. That's also part of it, MDP at the shop called in to the inside rep and got the warranty claim started and processed in one phone call. Small tokens. But deeply appreciated.
I'm not maybe very good at many things, and one is being able to express my gratitude to those who've helped me along this journey.
This path I'm on is pretty much solo. I did my first year sober solo, no support groups, no direct challenge to anything or anyone, no mandated from anyone else. Intrinsic, solo. But never alone.
The handful, four or five who read this - thank you for the emails, the texts, the support and the friendship.
Thank you to those over the year who've kept me going. Going at things solo is a tough way to do it, but I have to remember, I'm never alone. I don't have friends that I've been inseparable with since I was a kid or from any point forward... but I do keep meeting new friends, drifting a bit apart, maybe out of contact but in the few cases, once back in touch or in person the friendship picks up where it left off.
Perhaps thinking about going back to Michigan where I spent what seemed like an eternity, but really less time there than here in New England, I've been wondering what it will be like to see friends there again.
Life is one hell of a strange journey. I did pause the film mid-way to write this. But hey at least my cycling kit is mostly dry now - although my feet are still soaking wet. I should be working some scheduling magic, but writing this pile of nonsense trying to express a ball of emotions and how it went from destructive rage into a Zen Buddha like warmth in 24 hrs felt more important.
perhaps it is reflecting on Mark's death. and his life and spirit that worked here too. I've been thinking about him quite a bit too.
heddwch
G
(twitter link - tab was still open)
and started watching this:
Tall Bikes Will Save The World from Red Bull on Vimeo.
And it is good.This morning I had the house to myself. Everyone slept. I drank coffee listening to the rain on the roof. No school, no work, in-laws sleeping in. Just me. Just me and my coffee.
Riding in I was kind of filled with a massive sense of gratitude. Yesterday perhaps was transformative in a way. Absolute frustration, overwhelming emotions, kept in check, mutated and placated.
After a birthday dinner Gramps pulled out his phone, and started playing voicemails he's saved, some as early as 2003. That one in particular, the voice of our 2 year old, talking about the trip to the great TDI GTG in Toronto. Or London or where-ever it was. What struck me was people chipped in and covered part of my family's hotel room. And that catalog of pure unexpected gifts kind of kept rattling through my head. In the shower, and on the ride in, in those rain showers. I focused on these unexpected gifts, like the one in the mail yesterday, or the one that will be coming in the future via belgium, italy, belgium, colorado and finally providence. I've really been blessed.
I've been challenged, I've rarely taken the easy way out, but I'm not perfect, i'd love to say i have no regrets, I do, both in inaction and actions, words said and unsaid. This next week is going to be insane, overwhelming, a chaotic ball of shit to untangle, esp now that I'm adding building a new bike to the mix before traveling to a race. That's also part of it, MDP at the shop called in to the inside rep and got the warranty claim started and processed in one phone call. Small tokens. But deeply appreciated.
I'm not maybe very good at many things, and one is being able to express my gratitude to those who've helped me along this journey.
This path I'm on is pretty much solo. I did my first year sober solo, no support groups, no direct challenge to anything or anyone, no mandated from anyone else. Intrinsic, solo. But never alone.
The handful, four or five who read this - thank you for the emails, the texts, the support and the friendship.
Thank you to those over the year who've kept me going. Going at things solo is a tough way to do it, but I have to remember, I'm never alone. I don't have friends that I've been inseparable with since I was a kid or from any point forward... but I do keep meeting new friends, drifting a bit apart, maybe out of contact but in the few cases, once back in touch or in person the friendship picks up where it left off.
Perhaps thinking about going back to Michigan where I spent what seemed like an eternity, but really less time there than here in New England, I've been wondering what it will be like to see friends there again.
Life is one hell of a strange journey. I did pause the film mid-way to write this. But hey at least my cycling kit is mostly dry now - although my feet are still soaking wet. I should be working some scheduling magic, but writing this pile of nonsense trying to express a ball of emotions and how it went from destructive rage into a Zen Buddha like warmth in 24 hrs felt more important.
perhaps it is reflecting on Mark's death. and his life and spirit that worked here too. I've been thinking about him quite a bit too.
heddwch
G
Monday, June 10, 2019
Amor Fati
being tested today i guess...
this week - this time of year...
the bottom bracket noise i've been chasing...
I don't think it is the bottom bracket, or the crank, or anything else. I stripped the frame down at work (anything that bolted on to the frame other than the headset and crank). W/O touching the crank, I could get it to creak.
Found the likely spot of a crack. Put a tiny drop of heavy oil along it and went and did a scope training. came back... quite a bit quieter.
Now if that was just a paint chip it wouldn't be an issue, and it explains why the noise went away/got quieter in the rain (water acting as a lube between the squeaking metal faces).
And yeah as much of my secret BB compound that is on all the surfaces? There's not a spot of metal on metal to make this kind of squeak. And that it gets quiet under load means something too.
packing up early today - gonna go see what can be done about it w/o having to use the entry insurance i purchased.
heddwch
G
EDIT:::
I really want to go hulk smash and through shit around and scream and destroy stuff
GODZILLA SMASH
trying not to - but that fist of anger and frustration is not diffusing very well
this week - this time of year...
the bottom bracket noise i've been chasing...
I don't think it is the bottom bracket, or the crank, or anything else. I stripped the frame down at work (anything that bolted on to the frame other than the headset and crank). W/O touching the crank, I could get it to creak.
Found the likely spot of a crack. Put a tiny drop of heavy oil along it and went and did a scope training. came back... quite a bit quieter.
Now if that was just a paint chip it wouldn't be an issue, and it explains why the noise went away/got quieter in the rain (water acting as a lube between the squeaking metal faces).
And yeah as much of my secret BB compound that is on all the surfaces? There's not a spot of metal on metal to make this kind of squeak. And that it gets quiet under load means something too.
packing up early today - gonna go see what can be done about it w/o having to use the entry insurance i purchased.
heddwch
G
EDIT:::
I really want to go hulk smash and through shit around and scream and destroy stuff
GODZILLA SMASH
trying not to - but that fist of anger and frustration is not diffusing very well
Sunday, June 09, 2019
musing some more
Was thinking about what Steve said (as promised the link: https://www.instagram.com/p/BydYX65HylU/?igshid=1wsae2fsq9u17 )
And I was thinking about that idea of hoping those you leave behind would move on and be okay...
and thinking about the friends and friends of friends i've lost who've picked that way to go...
picked that way because their pain was too much to live with, or life was so desperately frustrating or sad that there was only one option for them...
yes, I think about this quite a lot... obvious reasons why, many echoed in Steve's eloquent words...
when one picks that route, they end their own pain, but I think in some cosmic karmic way the pain is just transfered, multiplied, amplified into those that care about them, leaving those who were hopelessly helpless to change their choice, to carry that burden around for the rest of their lives...
no i'm not trying to diminish the power of depression... or to use this as a way to guilt people into hanging around, no, we make our own lives right? When we're at that fork in the road, it is our choice to pick the path...
but the notion of the transfer of the pain, esp in the particular case of suicide, to be somewhat worth getting out of my head...
be well, be kind, being selfish is what all the self help people say, but being selfless is better for the humans, because we're not solitary creatures, we impact others, directly and indirectly...
and yes - no one is looking out for you - well other than me - so you still have to find the balance that I seem unable to...
yes... all the dots... a visible punctuation that helps imply the trailing off of spoken phrase, the quite mumbling of the last few words... sure i use it too much... but my tool box is a mess, i use what i can get my hands on in an attempt to get it done.
heddwch
G
And I was thinking about that idea of hoping those you leave behind would move on and be okay...
and thinking about the friends and friends of friends i've lost who've picked that way to go...
picked that way because their pain was too much to live with, or life was so desperately frustrating or sad that there was only one option for them...
yes, I think about this quite a lot... obvious reasons why, many echoed in Steve's eloquent words...
when one picks that route, they end their own pain, but I think in some cosmic karmic way the pain is just transfered, multiplied, amplified into those that care about them, leaving those who were hopelessly helpless to change their choice, to carry that burden around for the rest of their lives...
no i'm not trying to diminish the power of depression... or to use this as a way to guilt people into hanging around, no, we make our own lives right? When we're at that fork in the road, it is our choice to pick the path...
but the notion of the transfer of the pain, esp in the particular case of suicide, to be somewhat worth getting out of my head...
be well, be kind, being selfish is what all the self help people say, but being selfless is better for the humans, because we're not solitary creatures, we impact others, directly and indirectly...
and yes - no one is looking out for you - well other than me - so you still have to find the balance that I seem unable to...
yes... all the dots... a visible punctuation that helps imply the trailing off of spoken phrase, the quite mumbling of the last few words... sure i use it too much... but my tool box is a mess, i use what i can get my hands on in an attempt to get it done.
heddwch
G
Saturday, June 08, 2019
One year ago today
I woke up to the news with my last hangover.
The thought process was complicated, but it really was the fact that I could see this as my path if I kept up with the drinking. Other reasons but it was a sign. It made it all clear. It was the fork in the road.
Steve posted some very eloquent words on his IG. I'll link later.
How did I make it to far? Up to last year that is. This past year was easy compared to any other year since.. well fuck, that's depressing.
Some how I did.
The stupid shit is burned into my memories. Can I go back? Nope.
Here I am. Physically more stable and less injured than I can remember. Unfortunately being old means it takes a bit longer to recovery from really intense efforts. But the not drinking has been amazing.
I don't miss it. It didn't really do anything to help, or to escape, it did do some stuff but even though I don't miss it, I know I can't go back. More importantly, I can't.
Bourdain was never the obsession or person of significance, I never watched his shows, I needed read his books, but I was aware of him, who he was, and understood what he was.
And his passing added to the resolve that morning. Hung over, drinking coffee, wondering how after 2 months off of booze I had roared back drinking even more than I was when I stopped then. And I stopped then because of how much. And. No. One. Knew. Ok maybe my brothers.
It is strange, makes me not only socially awkward but also socially estranged.
But that's ok, I'm ok being even more alone. I may not like it, but it is me. Alone.
But here, and doing my best for those around me.
Heddwch
G
Wednesday, June 05, 2019
it is mechanical
the failure of my phone that is - it is just pressure on the fingerprint thing. So I played around - and fucking taped a stupid high grade japanese stainless steel nut from the SEM on there and MAGIC phone works again...
for now...
Smackdown was last night - surprisingly not terrible on the 38t Crockett. A lot of time spent in the 11tooth rear cog but it wasn't terrible. Realized that the seat is low, too low. Fixed it this morning and felt high but only at the beginning of the ride in. Downside - i rode in pants. It is way too hot to be riding in pants. But I had to go to the remote place first and well - street clothes and well. It isn't going to be fun riding home.
The ride up from down the hill sucked too - maybe I should have ridden the crossrip+ with the assist. My legs are tired.
Slept but not great. headache, tired.
Working with someone and they sort of pried more out of me than intended. Didn't feel good to delve into that dark hole but I became a bit more complex in their eyes. Nothing terrible but oh well. Kind of unsettled the afternoon.
The fiasco with the new scope may be behind us, but man is it still as big of a headache as the one I still have.
I suppose I should write about smackdown separately. That way the title and opening line are clearly about bikes and not the boring stuff everyone skims over. Michigan is coming up way too soon and I STILL haven't planned anything out. Phone? coordinate? Me? fuck... yeah I'll get there - i suppose I should call now but i'm getting interrupted and I can't put words together out of my mouth that make sense.
Not having to say the words is easier - i can think them, edit them, re-arrange them after they come out of my fingers. or just leave them and it makes no sense.
Like normally.
Funny moment last night - one of the many folks on the ride had one of them brand new super sleek Madones. The ones that are aero as fuck. Yeah? deep section wheels. And here I am on my new Trek, aluminum, cross bike with shitty heavy low profile TLR wheels and a 38t ring. And for the most part i was not slower. Now the fast kids on the not so fast bikes were still kicking my ass. And I should get into it a bit more on the separate entry for it but Justin C said it well: "The ride was a lot more fun when we were all not quite as fast." It is true. There was never really any SUPER fast people on the ride, and most everyone was about the same suck level and that makes it more fun.
Anyway - I'd better wrap this up and get back to dealing with everything...
we'll see if the phone fix survives the pedaling back to the remote location and then the bike shop and then home...
heddwch
G
for now...
Smackdown was last night - surprisingly not terrible on the 38t Crockett. A lot of time spent in the 11tooth rear cog but it wasn't terrible. Realized that the seat is low, too low. Fixed it this morning and felt high but only at the beginning of the ride in. Downside - i rode in pants. It is way too hot to be riding in pants. But I had to go to the remote place first and well - street clothes and well. It isn't going to be fun riding home.
The ride up from down the hill sucked too - maybe I should have ridden the crossrip+ with the assist. My legs are tired.
Slept but not great. headache, tired.
Working with someone and they sort of pried more out of me than intended. Didn't feel good to delve into that dark hole but I became a bit more complex in their eyes. Nothing terrible but oh well. Kind of unsettled the afternoon.
The fiasco with the new scope may be behind us, but man is it still as big of a headache as the one I still have.
I suppose I should write about smackdown separately. That way the title and opening line are clearly about bikes and not the boring stuff everyone skims over. Michigan is coming up way too soon and I STILL haven't planned anything out. Phone? coordinate? Me? fuck... yeah I'll get there - i suppose I should call now but i'm getting interrupted and I can't put words together out of my mouth that make sense.
Not having to say the words is easier - i can think them, edit them, re-arrange them after they come out of my fingers. or just leave them and it makes no sense.
Like normally.
Funny moment last night - one of the many folks on the ride had one of them brand new super sleek Madones. The ones that are aero as fuck. Yeah? deep section wheels. And here I am on my new Trek, aluminum, cross bike with shitty heavy low profile TLR wheels and a 38t ring. And for the most part i was not slower. Now the fast kids on the not so fast bikes were still kicking my ass. And I should get into it a bit more on the separate entry for it but Justin C said it well: "The ride was a lot more fun when we were all not quite as fast." It is true. There was never really any SUPER fast people on the ride, and most everyone was about the same suck level and that makes it more fun.
Anyway - I'd better wrap this up and get back to dealing with everything...
we'll see if the phone fix survives the pedaling back to the remote location and then the bike shop and then home...
heddwch
G
Monday, June 03, 2019
Oh Monday
Here we are - monday.
Odd weekend. Lots of working at the shop, staying just ahead of the sold bikes. Tweeting doubts about training and prep for the 210 mile gravel race and getting unexpected support from Matt Roy one of the best most experienced long mileage riders. That was awesome. Absolutely turned my headspace around.
That day I went to Road Tubeless. My finger is still sprained from the effort. I really am not looking forward to the next flat with these tires but hey - I'll deal with it then. Took a lot of work and bead jack to get them mounted. But they snapped in place and seated w/less than 20 psi and no sealant.
I have to say I am very impressed with the Bontrager TLR system. Shit just fucking works.
But that alloy cassette body on the Aeolus Pro 3V wheels? ugh, after less than a month the cassette was jammed into the splines.
The 28s are not the most supple of 28s but they work and have held air really well. And are a lot faster than the 45s that were there. Hoping to bump the mileage and saddle time with this bike going into the end of June, might test the limits of a 38t ring on Smackdown. Can I survive? maybe. We'll see.
Quiet Desperation def rings true
I've been reading more of the old blog links from the bookmarks. The old open all in a folder. Lots of dead links. I suppose I should edit them down again, re-sort once more.
It is good though, may need to try and find a bit more new content. My phone being kind of useless is good, but not good. I def need it, and use it. I can still use it but that's not quite the same.
I should probably add this page to the reading list - also a good reminder about sleep:
https://www.tobedetermined.cc/journal/2019/4/the-daily-grind-the-importance-of-sleep
not too bad right now - slightly caught up, it seem sitting and watching TV is more restful than doing stuff. And I watched some TV this weekend. Def need to keep working on clawing back to the more rested side of things and not so coffee dependent.
Had a good but strained text exchange with someone that I haven't talked to in a while, made me think maybe a clean break from the past is good. Maybe burning the bridge and building a damn down stream and flooding the valley is the best way to keep it in the past.
Maybe.
Time to suck down some food before sorting out the new microscope, and man this finger is hurting typing. Stupid tubeless tires.
heddwch
G
Odd weekend. Lots of working at the shop, staying just ahead of the sold bikes. Tweeting doubts about training and prep for the 210 mile gravel race and getting unexpected support from Matt Roy one of the best most experienced long mileage riders. That was awesome. Absolutely turned my headspace around.
That day I went to Road Tubeless. My finger is still sprained from the effort. I really am not looking forward to the next flat with these tires but hey - I'll deal with it then. Took a lot of work and bead jack to get them mounted. But they snapped in place and seated w/less than 20 psi and no sealant.
I have to say I am very impressed with the Bontrager TLR system. Shit just fucking works.
But that alloy cassette body on the Aeolus Pro 3V wheels? ugh, after less than a month the cassette was jammed into the splines.
The 28s are not the most supple of 28s but they work and have held air really well. And are a lot faster than the 45s that were there. Hoping to bump the mileage and saddle time with this bike going into the end of June, might test the limits of a 38t ring on Smackdown. Can I survive? maybe. We'll see.
Quiet Desperation def rings true
I've been reading more of the old blog links from the bookmarks. The old open all in a folder. Lots of dead links. I suppose I should edit them down again, re-sort once more.
It is good though, may need to try and find a bit more new content. My phone being kind of useless is good, but not good. I def need it, and use it. I can still use it but that's not quite the same.
I should probably add this page to the reading list - also a good reminder about sleep:
https://www.tobedetermined.cc/journal/2019/4/the-daily-grind-the-importance-of-sleep
not too bad right now - slightly caught up, it seem sitting and watching TV is more restful than doing stuff. And I watched some TV this weekend. Def need to keep working on clawing back to the more rested side of things and not so coffee dependent.
Had a good but strained text exchange with someone that I haven't talked to in a while, made me think maybe a clean break from the past is good. Maybe burning the bridge and building a damn down stream and flooding the valley is the best way to keep it in the past.
Maybe.
Time to suck down some food before sorting out the new microscope, and man this finger is hurting typing. Stupid tubeless tires.
heddwch
G
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