Tuesday, January 19, 2021

picking up where it left off

 Lunch video: 


And some links:
https://theradavist.com/2021/01/finding-myself/ (can go watch the video too: https://sauriproductions.com/)

catch up here obvs:
https://www.kentfackenthall.com/

Don't whatever you do miss reading this:
https://allhailtheblackmarket.com/2021/01/is-everybody-ok/

and no - the answer is no we're not okay and no, as much as I wish there was the idea spot around here to plunk that weird ass of Stevil's in NE/RI it ain't a whole hell'lot better than out there and as much as I want to help, knowing when you can't and not beating yourself up about it is important, or so i hear, but you can share and ask around and maybe one of your smarter (all of them) friends have ideas.

And yeah - again, maybe I shouldn't be taking in so much basic becky content, but it is good content and today I realized there are some things I'm not longer mad about, and that's good.

Jill's been blogging for a while, one of the earlier blogs I followed along, she's written books and has made something out of it all, and still plugs along...  this resonates a little:
http://www.jilloutside.com/2021/01/empty-fitness.html

Okay by a little I mean a lot and it speaks to that Colorado opportunity missed with my Dad I've mentioned before. And yeah for a coastal saltwater human I've spent quite a lot of time in CO, just never with a MTB. And the experiences remain etched on my soul.

Today picked up right where friday left off. A fucking shit show. The weekend was good, different, I think, I don't remember much, oh, right, bike shop, bike ride, car shopping and then grocery shopping - three days - poof - couldn't fall asleep last night then was toeing the line of consciousness and sleep, feeling almost hot, thinking someone opened a window and the furnace was just going non-stop, i was confused, not sleeping well, finally I think i stopped noticing what time it was at almost 2am. Funny, I have been okay with sleep, getting it, getting to sleep, and then that happens. Dinner was veggie heavy and carb light - maybe brain was thinking I needed more glucose and it took a while for the liver to oblige. 


Okay so I watched another couple videos - need the distraction from the disasters, and at the same time waiting for an actionable email reply. Like as soon as I have the reply shit gets crazy again, but waiting.

here:
https://youtu.be/khhIE-bC9Ao

and
https://youtu.be/GiWJ3ILPBjo

What are your plans for the year? I wonder if 24HOGG will happen, probably not but there's no reason not to hope it'll go off as planned or modified to make it a go. What to do between now and then? 

Was asked, on sunday, a question I couldn't answer: "What is one thing that you can do that will make you happy today?"

Kind of story of my life eh? The answer: "I don't know."

Also late friday afternoon I was told to "snap out of it" it wasn't a great week and that kind of made it worse. Snap out of it? like that's possible... like someone saying "just flip the switch, be happy, you have control, just flip the switch." As if it works like that.

Buzzer, times up, life goes on, getting spread just a little thinner every day... staring at the calendar looking at it like 'how the fuck' and thinking, one day at a time...  one day... 

at

a

time

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch

G



Friday, January 15, 2021

the best time to write

 is when you have no time to write

like right now

i have no time

should be doing something else

opened tabs, with the new ones, closed them all w/o more than a second or two of lingering

some closed as fast as they loaded

old content

i kind of admitted to myself that while the routine of riding to work and being here have benefits

the work itself is quite a bit more challenging

and not in a good way

stuff that used to be good and easy 

goes sideways really fast

these last two weeks have been sideways

it is a struggle

and the next two weeks don't look a whole hell of a lot better

but

hey

i'll get through it

one way or another

time for a deep dive into the stress box

it'll only be about 3 hrs of intensity

NBD or BFD said sarcastically 

can't believe i got suspended for the coach hearing me saying "what's the big fucking deal?" to two long distance team mates arguing about what kind of air force cargo plane was flying overhead... came back from the suspension and discovered i was much better suited to the 400M race was half a stride short of making it to states, probably best that i didn't make it... whatever 

shit

out of time

not that i had this time anyway

but 5 min...  we can all spare 5 min

right?

hahah

nope

fuck...

heddwch
G

Thursday, January 14, 2021

The Process

 So about this process.

Crazy stuff, no? Blogging, web logging as we used to call it. I think BSNYC popularized calling it web logging even though that's what it was called before someone actually shortened it to blogging but those people aren't web logging anymore. And shit starting on blogspot how many years ago? Don't look. Well I know, i haven't been doing it as long as Cory D, but I saw his twitter thread of this blog post and damn that was a good twitter thread read but the blog post is better. 

BUT damn that's a huge process. Granted that's part of his thing, like he says it is his process. Honestly there are similarities. I do tend to go and open a couple folders full of tabs. But honestly I never really got into the whole RSS feed thing. That list of links on the left? Historic relic. A legacy of what the cycling blogosphere looked like in the heyday. At one point I had broken down the open all tabs folders into 6-8 folders, 15-20 links in each one, some daily news, some daily comics, some weekly update some daily, some infrequently.

I'm down to two folders now. Some haven't changed in over a year, some longer... but I keep em there, can't quite pull em out of the cue. There's something comforting or familiar seeing the dead/idle tabs. Like you know almost but not quite like seeing chip and his dead blog. Or colin and his post from last year.

Takes so little time now to go through them. I have a few aggregating sites there, the colossal, laughing squid and juxtapoz, but i usually don't scroll down past the first one or two. One thing I don't have, never have had, news sites. Okay sometimes there have been bike news sites, but those often were kit bookmark bar shortcuts. The forums were all shortcuts up there. They were a separate process but those have mostly been killed by FB. If twitter killed the blogs, FB and redit killed the forums. Now redit, or however you spell it, never something i've gotten into, that or that pin board site. 

Frustrating thing is finding a good page on the mobile device but then wanting to read it on the desktop and well i've never really worked at trying to make anything transfer between the two beyond a very cumbersome manner. I'll have tabs lingering in the mobile browser for a long time, i use the mobile browser to check FB using the mbasic.facebook interface, super nice, no adds, and able to get to messages w/o adding the app.  I mean I guess it really isn't nice, it is FB afterall.

So like today? I added pluralistic to the open tabs. But also so many dead tabs. Took no time to go through it, but I did pause when I noticed KF with a new post. Have I read it yet? Nope, but the tab is open, i'll swing back when I have a minute, like right now. Good point about the history, what we remember may not be accurately reflecting of the facts, but that's also why we have these weblogs running for a long time, and archived communications, esp searchable ones. I did that a while ago, searched some old email threads, probably shouldn't have but it gave me a good perspective and helped correct a few memories. It recentered the feelings and anchored them and helped. And speaking of history and remembers DF's email this morning was a good suggestion, will work on that. I pulled my Strava data down finally. Started uploading it to RWGPS but the bike selection field is gone and that data is almost more important to me than the total... we'll see, nearly 4000 rides is a lot to go through manually and it might just be enough to have the data just in case.

Trying to sit through a webinar right now, I know the info well enough to give it but call it CE or something...   hearing information you know really well presented by someone else is helpful to pick up ways to teach it or more effectively communicate the important parts. okay - getting interesting - time to pause and focus...

Okay so went from webinar to support scope to thinking maybe I should eat lunch before the 1pm shows up today to then queuing this up and watching while eating as it was going at 2x speed.

yeah, 2x speed

I dunno how you people listen to stuff at normal speed - books are all at least 1.5x speed and then that just seems like a normal talking pace. and these guys at 2x, yeah that's about the right pace:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL0e0RaMgQg

There's some other shit that started rolling around, but nothing new, lots to think about from listening to AB and the TGL folks talk...  deep shit and good actionable items.

Okay that was as fucked up as could be. Sample that didn't matter worked great, samples that did matter were totally blank. And then about half way through the imaging session the solonoid for the HVAC got stuck in the wide open flow (max CFM) and as cold as fucking possible. It got REALLY cold with that air blowing on me for 40 min.

had a good vent session, felt good, then scrolled through twitter for a second and boom back to ugh. Yeah, you know what, yes, I know. Take a break. TOO LATE FOR TODAY.

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the rest of the day? I dunno...  should finish lunch... not sure what to make for dinner but that's a long way off - lots to do between now and then.

y'all be well, take care

heddwch

G


Tuesday, January 12, 2021

HFS - like - um

 There really is no end to this in sight, no slowing of the terrifying shit happening? Pandemic worsening or not slowing at least, new mutations showing up, rational people refusing to get vaccine, people thinking mask wearing is going to be over when we have the vaccine even tho they refuse to get the vaccine themselves...

Thursday, January 07, 2021

stay sane

I spent a while digging through photos going back through google photos... kicked off by a reminder about CX Nats on saturday in Hartford.

Flask day. That was off the hook bananas.

Then watching this helped escape a bit.


Mostly it fanned the embers of the desire to ride around the Olympic Penninsula. I've never been to Alaska, but I think maybe to start I'd like to explore a place that is more home that I haven't, aka ride around the majestic Olympic mountains by bike. Alone? Maybe, or with someone else? Who tho?

The north of nightfall idea already messes with my head thinking about it. 
If you haven't watched it yet you should take the hour and really dig into this movie:
https://www.redbull.com/us-en/films/north-of-nightfall

So what's next with the crazy terrorists? 

Ugh, yeah, well... shit - at least work's been insane - initiated a critical response to a flaw and achieved resolution quickly. There actually have been a large number of problems, so far, kind of cool and a Huh that's cool, I've been able to resolve them, sometimes alone, other times knowing who to contact. I am good at this shit.

Also some family viewing lately has been the first season of Next in Fashion (and who doesn't have a crush on Alexa, or is it just me, probably just me) kind of think maybe i mentioned the NiF already - oh well.

back to resolving problems... 

heddwch
G

Wednesday, January 06, 2021

sick

 unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach

a FB post from a fellow bikecommuter that has since moved to Cali all full on indocrinated in the make you know that word and followed by another and another, calling for literal civil war that the seventy and the first f digit million people are 'awake' and other buzz words in quotes...  

seeing that pushed it a bit over, glancing at twitter and seeing the PB (yeah i like peanut butter but not that phrase for those letters) storm that place where the shit is going down... 

civil war eh? the desire to literally kill someone in your own country that has a different set of core beliefs than your own... 

i'm disturbed, as I suppose many are now, it is a sick queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, and no it isn't all those biscotti i ate after my peanut butter and jelly breakfast sandwich I ate after riding in.

But i still haven't cracked into my lunch yet so there's that bit of positive news... but how the FUCK is that positive when all that shit is going on

Sigh... 

okay I think maybe it is music and focus on other stuff and staying off the computer for now, it is good to be informed, helps prepare for what to do next, but when there is little one can do personally, and shit is bad, turning it off, focusing on what one can control, what one can do, directly, with your own hands and voice... that's what needs to happen now I suppose... 

heddwch

G

interlude

 [ narrator voice ]

Those delicious gluten free almond biscotti were indeed finished by 11 am today.

Yes, they lasted less than 24 hours.

Yes, GeWilli is having salad for lunch.

And yes, he will still probably go home and eat everything while making dinner.

<closing music>

Oh, one other point, studded tires? They are slow

[ /narrator voice ]

Tuesday, January 05, 2021

this working thing

 Good to be back but man there is a lot to do. 

Fortunately only a few things are busted and require critical attention.

This kind of got me stopped in my tracks. 
https://twitter.com/redsunO21/status/1346241475391213569 (yeah it is a link to twitter - should open in a browser window if you don't have an account). 

And yeah, seems that way eh? Too dam real. 


Need some tunes: https://youtu.be/aBsFCkB07Rs

Got the studded tires mounted up, rode em yesterday. SO SLOW. They are NOT on the e-bike this year. Still haven't ridden that thing. Maybe should try and sell it. (yeah keep saying that don't i)

Looking at the radar now I'm thinking maybe I should have ridden them today. WTF - forecast was clear.

UGH

fuck the weather this is annoying. Oh well. Just weather. 

Oh saw some weird ass shit on the way home. Somehow someone dragged a dead deer into the middle of the bike path on the linear park. No could have been thrown there from the road. It wasn't there on the way in in the morning, but was on the way home. Overnight someone tagged it with white paint. Was still there this morning (photo on strava).

Working hard to keep my shit together, the political drama and bullshit and amazing display of insanity is tough to even tangentially see. Music has been helping. But there's still a lot of evil out there. Ugh. Gotta keep fighting yeah? Going to be an interesting couple of weeks. 

Been waking up early, instead of trying to sleep for 30 more min I just got up this morning. Was good. Esp with the house full of people half of them having to be online and at work/school between 7:15 and 8. A little quiet coffee before heading out.

Put a book in the ears yesterday morning. Nothing this morning. Not sure about the way home. Maybe maybe not.

also someone dropped off some biscotti  - holiday gift, homemade, GF, and SO FUCKING GOOD, maybe the best biscotti i've ever had...  

gonna try not to eat them all before leaving

i've put the box away three times so far. There are still a few left. 

i had something in my head to get out but now I can't seem to find it.

torn between riding home w/o anything plugged into my ears to see if it rolls around or to just quiet the voices and get a little further into the drama in the book. 

Kind of funny Stevil echoing my thoughts,,, but i don't have anything to sell or share... but i do like the scavenger hunt idea... just need to figure out what to "hide" Kind of thinking maybe hiding it in Big River somewhere, on one of the lesser known rock trails. But it would likely just wind up being dug up by some alien archaeologist if I leave it out there. i don't have stuff of value - can't leave a hug out there.

And there went the afternoon. Time to suit up and head home eh?

be well

heddwch
G

Saturday, January 02, 2021

On the second day of 2021

 i did absofuckinglutely...  nothing...

well of substance, i emailed, i did a little work, i ate some food, i exhibited some extra self restraint and did not make an aeropress coffee at 3:50pm


I did open up all tabs, Dave and Tim both have good web log posts up. Inspirational I suppose, in that it got me to stop before opening the second tab and start here.

Wednesday, December 30, 2020

checking things off the list

 another mtb ride

actually almost took a nap

haven't had coffee since before 2pm (new record)

that big weight, my part is done now just time to wait for months to see what happens

van? it works, still on the chopping block from the others "not trusted" "huge anxiety source" 

sigh

i certainly understand anxiety sources...

One more ride tomorrow? maybe not, getting some weather, a bit of rain in the morning. Actually kind of thinking about one more ride on the trainer, just for the hell of it, but also, maybe i'll just take a nap.

2020 started off with a MTB ride. Whole lotta good that did for the year. Heck, maybe try it again, maybe it'll work for 2021...

have fun, ride bikes, be kind,

all that shit

heddwch
G

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

it is a

 Christmas miracle! The minivan got a sticker today. CRAZY.


Of course, on the way home, the CEL turned on. Haven't checked the code but I'm guessing it is the P0420 code (catalytic converter - aka rear O2 sensor seeing a problem). Not surprising given how much oil it has burned over the course of the 145k miles. A good sense of relief, but traded that planet of anxiety on my shoulders for the heavier one with the school aid application. 

And since I've basically come to terms with not completing the Rapha Festive 500 challenge, maybe that means I should go out for a MTB ride tomorrow (shit to do today - also rest day).



It isn't obvious unless you've seen it before but the starter ground strap is corroded, yeah the engine mount is completely collapsed too. No wonder there's some weird vibrations every once in a while. 

How long will this big fuel hogging minivan keep going? Who knows. 

But the saga keeps going a bit longer. Hey extra bonus? It is all cleaned out and vacuumed. 

Now to mount some studded tires on a bike, which bike... hmmm hard to pick, i could put them on the E-bike I guess, for the plowing and all that, but was thinking maybe putting them on the spare wheels for the crockett and make that the ice bike. 

y'all be good, be well, don't be like me and let all the little shit get to you

heddwch

G

Monday, December 28, 2020

Yesterday

 a struggle to get the full 40 miles. Got almost 20 on the MTB of course the avg speed was low but the bike fit in the golf wagon and it was pretty aweseom.

i did feel complete dulled out there, edge dulled, no snap, no peak power, i know this feeling, it isn't good... got in the last bit of stuff later in the afternoon. Hit the mark, it wasn't easy.

got up and rode in to get the covid test for the job stuff, checked into the office - did some cleaning up and sorting, headed home. 

jacked up the car after eating food, discovered the grounding strap on the starter was corroded off basically, i touched it and it disconnected, def not enough currrent flow to start. Took it out, went and got a new one, some muffler paste/glue stuff, and the van can now start and move itself and has paperwork ready for inspection. Could just be throwing the inspection cost away if it turns out not to pass and there's a bunch of shit that has to be done but worth the risk, worst case it fails and we have 30 days to figure something out while still having a legal drivable vehicle. 

So i rode in and home, nothing extra. That's only 14 miles or so. And that is 26 miles shy of what I needed to stay on pace for the Festive 500.

Headed down to the basement to get on the trainer, i have a little bit of a headache, i feel pretty tired, everything feels tired esp after working on the car. 

I started off at the pace, and pretty quickly gave up. A mile ticked by incredibly slowly, and 25 more? Fuuuuuck.

I stuck it out for 10 miles (9.97) and it took an embarassingly long time just to get that many. I'm cooked. 

This festive thing is probably not happening...  If i do nothing more tonight (no way) it means 205 or so KM in 3 days, not the end of the world, i've done 200k in one day pretty easily but not on the trainer and not in this cold outside. 

I'm okay without hitting the 500, falling short, meh no big deal, i did hit the 5/8k mark and topped 200k feet climbing. That's enough no point pushing way beyond just for this challenge.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and feel energized, but i doubt it, i have to get the van to the garage for the inspection. And who knows what else. 

Didn't sleep very well, intense dreams and woke up a bunch through the night, lot going on, car stuff mostly but maybe soon I can leave it be. Was looking up all i could on the jetta, a pile of people are urging me to stay away from them but i dunno, a bit late for that, we already have one (two - for now the minivan kind of counts as a VW) but i'm not sold on getting a used prius...  So many strong opinions...

But i fixed the non-starting on the van, we'll see what else, but the inclination is not to put any more money at the thing...

guess i should go make dinner since i ended the trainer session way early.

might take the day off the bike tomorrow... we'll see how i feel...

I made a comment over on IG, something about how the year has not been great, not even good, but put the year at the end of the sentence and people wondered what was wrong, dude it is 2020, shit is FUCKED, getting better? perhaps, and yes, things are not bad here, we're going well as can be, aside from this car stuff... and that's pretty insignificant when it comes right down to it.

we'll see what tomorrow will bring

heddwch
G

Saturday, December 26, 2020

a couple more days

 Till the new year rolls around. 

What will this one bring, what do we have to do to get there?

Quite a lot actually. The minivan thing is sort of the sticking point. Maybe put a new starter? Probably cheaper than a tow, then there's the whole inspection sticker game, new sticker might require a lot of resources. New car doesn't fix everything but it changes it all. Not a new new car just a new used car. Maybe we go pick something that is CPO and maybe they take the van off our hands in trade, would be the easiest. Sure private sale would be best but the extra convenience of just not having to do anything has significant value not to be discounted.  But then also calling the salvage yard to drop it off for some cash, esp if i can get it to start a few more times w/o putting a new starter in (or having them come pick it up) also would be easy. 

Really not that much to think about, but such is the life of someone this age with limited resources. TBH, the van is/has been a good anxiety catalyst. Replacing it is even worse. Couldn't fall asleep last night - car options kept popping in my head. Reality is it would be my car primarily until the kid has their license and then we'd play the three drivers three agendas and two car game. A little easier than when we did the two drivers and one car and multiple agendas. But that was the spring and no racing for me.

Not driving to VA has been really nice, not driving a vehicle that sounded like it was going to explode even better. I guess I really did block out how much stress and tension driving that Van down there and back caused. And then last year the whole which car to fix, which to keep challenge. But we asked the van for another year and it delivered. Asking for one more might be just a bit too much for me or the van, taking a day or two and a pile of money might get us there but then what? What'll fail next, and when. Back to a vehicle that only I will drive, when we get to that point it is probably a sign to just get rid of that and replace it. I hate cars quite a bit. Probably because i understand enough of how they work to be able to fix it if I can target the problem but limited in time and tools and space to do all this stuff. 

Besides if I commit to a tear down and road worthy before the 31st then there goes a lot of time for me to try and hit the Festive 500 mark. One mark so dumb given how I'm doing it that it can't be have some physical benefit. First one is just that's a huge pile of calories expended over a week, a balance and potential lever to reduce coffee intake and lay down some base to add some intensity to later. This Dumb trainer is the bigger problem, the fluid resistance is progressive and starts out not light, only way to go easy is to go really slowly, going really slowly doesn't cover miles very well. So basically this is going to be a week of Z2 work in 70-90 min chunks 2x a day. Might try and mix it up but finding the limitation of the Wahoo might reduce that possibility. Doing the stock FTP test w/o power (or any of the work outs that I have access to) probably won't work.

so a couple more days of cranking out 64km a day i guess. Easily going to get the 8.000km mark for the year but all this indoor riding leaves me at 800' short of 200,000' elevation gain. And that's maybe okay, no need to hit every mark and make it a nice round number.

Well on the second day of christmas i hope y'all are enjoying it, take care of each other, be well... make better choices than I have or likely will, life is easier that way.

heddwch
G

Wednesday, December 23, 2020

the year being the year

 Strava finally got me the archive link. Only 489MB, not so bad. Almost four thousand activities...

Started the morning slow - kid joined me for shopping trip, went to get in the van, click nothing...  something's dead. Not even a glimmer like a dead battery, turn key to start from on, nothing...

Have I mentioned it's been sitting on my mind a bit lately? Inspection sticker is due, exhaust has a leak in one of the pipes, needs to be replaced, who knows what else. And now this? Can't even drive it there.

Can't really go MTB'n even. No hitch or roof rack on the other little car (it is a wagon, not tiny but comparably so). 

Maybe it is an easy fix, maybe not, but again the unknown. And the timing. Coming up on the Christmas holiday, then New Year comes around and 2020 is over.

But this is one last kick in the balls I did not want or expect. Sure I guess it was always a possibility, could have happened down in Gansett and that might have caused more complications. Could have died at the grocery store. But my brain is my worst enemy and I've already been on the edge this week, this kind of walked up behind me and shoved me hard over the edge.

I've been on the trainer in the basement 3 days in a row now Tonight was the longest session, had to stop and check it, the fluid unit was getting so hot it was stinking, and I wasn't even going fast. Hell my speed and hr sort of declined as the ride went on and I didn't even go that hard. 

I watched the end of IO (sci fi movie on Netflix- kid signed up again at urging of their mother so the two of them could watch the crown). I started it the day before. Last night i just listened to a book. So when that finished I dug around and found AO - or whatever Anon? with Clive Owen... some more sci fi bullshit...

Would zwifting be better? Perhaps, it might, but like i mentioned on Strava, not with this trainer and not without power. Haven't quite figured out how to program a trainer workout yet, the garmin let me build something and then do it - Wahoo not so much. I could do some of the canned ones that came with it, but they look power based and not quite what I want. But I have speed, cadence and HR numbers. Granted speed is only relative to this trainer and not outside. 

This has been a good distraction but not really helping. Still kind of a smoldering pile of shit feeling right now. And of course there is renewed discussion about what the kid should drive should learn to drive on, big no way on the Minivan. Funny, how it was the reliable vehicle last year this time, other than the wheel bearings. And now it is sitting dead out front and i'm at about the same or worse position trying to diagnose it than I was with the volvo... at this point i'm just inclined to have it towed to the garage that did the wheel bearings last year and has done the inspections. Throw money at it maybe, or give them enough money to figure out the extent and the cause and the cost to fix and then call the salvage yard and drop back to a one car family until something else can be sorted. 

know anyone looking to rehome a decent car? 

at least i got the grocery shopping done, don't have to be in Gansett for a while, and the trails are still wrecked and covered with snow... Not sure I can mentally or physically do 500km on the trainer between the 26th and the 31st, esp not this trainer.  But maybe that's just what I need to do... get a nice long audio book and get some huge steady state miles in. oh i stopped the upload of the archive because it was all being loaded in as the MTB...  that's gonna be a draw back to that importation..

no start on the van, no mtb, no travel, trainer sounds not terrible, feels it tho...

anyway - i've gotta figure out how to get out of my own head here and do something... not sure how to recalibrate...

oh well life goes on and 2020 keeps being 2020...

heddwch

G

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

watched a couple inspiration short films tonight


Just realized, they are about riding in two places I have a huge familiarity with geographically and ecologically... 

Lots and lots of time spent in both of them...

And really almost no riding in either place. Esp compared to how much I've ridden in Michigan and New England. I've even explored more of NoVa on a bike than either of these places.

It is a bittersweet kind of longing, esp as I get older, the erosion of time is more ominous... more oppressive, heavier? not sure how to quite describe it... complicated.

But that Colorado connection is different, maybe if my dad hadn't had moved out so late in the disease progression, hadn't hung on to MD as long as he had. But These are all random immaterial ifs. No sense in trying to figure that out.

The second film, actually the first one I watched, more local, and riding out at my brother's house in Kingston on the gravel, on his fixed gear bike was pretty fucking amazing, I could totally see doing the Oly Pen route. 

And even if I don't do that soon/ever, at least maybe i can finally give the Festive 500 a shot this year. 

Would absolutely put me at the 8000km for the year and that would be pretty awesome mark to pass...

That film is this:


embedding them with the blogger embedding tool - differently than I usually do it because i'm not on a computer right now.

Find the motivation you need, and the inspiration you didn't expect.

heddwch
G

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

200 to go

 8,000 km


that's certainly a much better goal than stupid 5k miles eh?


Right? except instead of 200 miles to go I have 321 km to go... before the 31st.

And a big ol'fucking snow laden nor'easter blowin in tonight.


I finally listened to TSwift's Evermore album start to finish. (with pauses for emails and work). Finished right before a big meeting. It was good.

i think Brandi's album is stronger and more emotional to me right now but maybe that's all hinged on the Joke and Mother. 

We were all in seattle last year, pretty sure my sister wasn't going to make the big show in seattle because she had to be on stage with the Seattle Symphony and Brandi Carlile...  but that show got cancelled, last week she gave birth (a bit early) to a baby girl... My kids are essentially grown up now, even the youngest, the kid tall enough to make me feel the need to stand up straighter...

That health crap I was worried about with the pending blood work. No big deal. I guess. At least not from those tests. A couple weeks of stress and worry I suppose, what else to do? Knee was feeling pretty wonky yesterday. Better today but every ache and pain now suddenly can not be written off, and triggers a whole cascade of what the fuck is this a symptom of, instead of just having a simple but overlooked cause.

This time last year I was pretty miserable, missing friends who were all racing just a few miles from the concert venue, out there with them all, flying back with a couple of the great ones.

I certainly don't ever want to repeat the violin chase again, that was fucking terrifying. At least my phone isn't dying everytime i take a photo... still... it sucks not seeing family in December in Washington this year. I miss seeing the progression of the growing up of my nephew, seeing the place I grew up. Feeling at home but decidedly an outsider a visitor. That juxtaposition of being from there but very much not belonging there. 


Fucking life eh? had a good couple days - def feel that mood trending down, the frustration of missing the big ride on Sunday... sure, def balanced by knowing it was the right call and the rest of the burdens being carried.

This time of year "what are you getting ____" I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE period, no, idea, 

of course that sends me into the annual spiral of panic and paralysis - getting easier? I dunno...

I've gotta get on the other scope soon, maybe can get a few things done before a 3pm meeting, maybe a few more after.


At least I remember to plug in my headlight before it was time to ride home.

hug those you can

heddwch

G

Tuesday, December 15, 2020

this whole album

 



it is so good - this song esp

will write more soon perhaps

at least I can listen to this on repeat while dealing with emails and scheduling and the rest

Friday, December 11, 2020

Take a minute while it is up

 Good feels..


brings back memories - that was fun

Thursday, December 10, 2020

i do not, not at all

 recommend that you go back through email archives

i suppose on one hand they are a great record, but then again lately with so much death around us all right now

mortality, our brief time here, seems so much more tangible. What happens? Get covid, ICU, dead. Can happen in days. 

What's the meaning of all this stuff. These bikes, those other non-bike items with insane significance to you because your brain remembers every emotion associated with the item. Or the bike stuff, that only you get, or maybe 10 other people get how cool it is, just junk to most everyone.

What happens to it all. 

Is it better to purge and say good bye to it all yourself, than to leave those behind with piles of shit to go through with no meaning?

Like the whole top floor of a barn in the PacNW with all the shit my dad didn't want to part with. It was all stable in the high mountain desert of Colorado. Not so much in a damp rat infested barn. Sleeping bag from the army in the 60s? Perfect shape in CO, not so much now. 

These were all things that no one else really had any value associated with, or less than my dad did and so it all got moved. He got worse, we were all supposed to clean it all out and go through it last Feb, then March, then well, you know what happened.

I picked probably the worst email to look at, in a folder I don't usually encounter too often. But today back and forth in the spam looking for not-spam. Oh btw - don't you love the emails saying send me this much money because i have your password (one that Google yelled at me to change in March and I did - all but two instances - those are now changed too) and incriminating photos and all your ____ contacts (I don't use contacts btw - also really pretty much don't care). Anyway, yeah everyone gets those all the time - or at least frequently, anyway. Passed a folder. Scrolled down and read an email from Feb 2014. 


I'm already in a bit of a funk today - was productive today and wasn't terrible, and my light is charged, shouldn't have to ride home in emergency blinking battery mode. This kind of pushed it over.

The health thing, waiting on those results, yeah yeah nothing I can do, don't let it get to you, flip the switch, just let it be. Yeah, that doesn't work. A bit overwhelmed having committed to getting the full 5k this year. 5k seems pretty damn low, but then E's new car only has 7700 miles on it and it is was at less than 20 miles on the ODO at the end of December. I've ridden more than that in a year. But now I need to come up with 280 miles by the end of the year. Riding in, i was thinking, where do i want to ride? Somehow burned out on road riding, can i come up with that many miles on the dirt? Maybe, maybe not. We'll see I guess. 

Was going to leave early today. 

But read the email, and my replies...

and opened this up...

Obviously all the shit hanging over from yesterday is still here... 

Today kind of added to it...

I guess that's the good part of being a big wookie... can carry everything for longer than most anyone...

And I'll probably cry when someone asks me "what makes you happy" and I can't come up with anything other than riding my bike, esp my mt bike... everything else is just frustrating and life... 

Gonna cue up some tunes for the ride home, let soundcloud give me something, probably dubstep or random EDM mix...  maybe it'll help keep me from thinking while I pedal..

at least the lights are fully charged now...

time to pedal, right after i put my shoes and helmet on...

heddwch

G


Wednesday, December 09, 2020

irregular

 of course i went over and got caught up on my reading and there aren't many people still making good content. Stevil is one...

That take about podcasts vs blogs got me - most of his shit does. But man are we two different people but in some ways the same but not at all. does that make sense? 

Superficially there is that orange jumpsuit thing. Someday I really need to chronical mine, it has a different origin story than Stevil's. But the common thread is Vardaros, the beligan transplant via california from new york...  but timing also was my first real season racing CX in NE. but it started way back in Michigan with working on the TDIs...


so it kind of encapsulates everything...  


couple things hanging over my head right now - biggest is something the doc wants blood work info from that isn't concerning but isn't normal...  so of course GeWilli is overthinking it and googling the fuck out of variation and running down symptoms and not finding them and getting more confused...


clearly identifying that I need to hit the reset button HARD. Like never before.


No CX racing means no focus or discipline beyond just being functional. 


Being functional means just drinking more coffee, right? Got that down. 


No Trip to the PacNW for the Yuletide concerts. I've missed them twice. Once in 2006 (file this under tying into the orange jumpsuit and CX) when CX nats were in PVD. Missed the whole trip no visit. Next one was 2009 (Bend CX nats), but that one i flew in and out of Seattle and managed to get back stage for the Bellevue concert. So while not on stage at least I saw everyone and was able to be there. 
While this really isn't the kind of reset needed it is very much a hard core shake up. it messes up time zone and sleep patterns so much that I can't but reset when I return. or at least really dig a deep enough hole that I have to take a couple weeks to recover from.


And usually that recovery seems to happen somewhere where I don't have to do much, can just go be. down in VA at the in laws.


And yup - no reset there either. Damn - hadn't thought that far through it all. 


But I'll try and do the reset at home, try not going to work, try to cut back coffee as much as I can, try to let all the shit go without going crazy at home. 


I have a lot more in my head bouncing around but can't get it out... still haven't been able to pick up a book and read. But this was good to watch this morning:


And Becca's vlogs have been entertaining - you can find them on your own i expect.


Might try and leave early today just because.


Oh FFS. I just checked the weather. This morning - ZERO precipitation for the day NOW THERE IS SNOW AND MIX PREDICTED HAPPENING? 

WHAT
THE
ACUTUAL
FUCK

it is snowing right now...


yeah i rode in to work wearing normal clothes - no cycling kit...


oh well - goes along with the day eh?


Whatever, it'll just make the commute home exciting and I can change into dry clothes. it won't be fore more than 35 min. I can handle that.

hoping to find more regular time to write, maybe even find a book that engages me that I want to read...

Life is pretty strange eh? 

Oh and RI is ranked as worst for the Covid stuff in the world, by some people. Mostly just if you look at the rolling 7 day average of cases per 100k. 

At least it has been cold and shitty on the bike path, people are staying away. And the darkness helps on the way home.


be safe, be well, all that shit,


heddwch

G

Monday, November 30, 2020

unexpected hiatus

 Take this as a sign of how crazy it has been and then how hard I didn't do anything and how i stayed away from a keyboard for most of last week.

Going hard into the paint. Wish I could have confidence in my layup cause, while i have big palms my stubby welsh fingers make it tough to palm the B-ball well enough to dunk. 

been a while, sorry if you have been looking for entertainment or the latest on the saga of GeWilli, adventures of a 'on the specturm' edge case. Wish I had some idea of how to actually act like a functional human most of the time.

Got some great MTB in last week. Might need to add some extra cycling in, somehow. Need most intensity than is found on a 2-4 hr singlespeed MTB ride in Big River. 

I've also completely been unable to get excited to read, or even listen to audiobooks. Started CoryD's For the Win and didn't even make it to the end point of destroying the lives of the key characters, just couldn't. I think I've tapped out on my reading for a while, even listening isn't working anymore. Technically Wrong was great but not sure what to go to next. Watched a few movies. Finally saw Dead Pool and DP2. I guess I get why people are all DP crazy, but not really, it was entertaining for sure. Watched that bond film that came out just after I moved to PVD, haven't seen many movies and, well? It was good but after reading so many damn long books a 2 hour movie just seems shallow and lame and completely undeveloped. Not forcing anything just trying to shuffle along. The girls were watching some Dog reality show with Lindsey Vonn, and I got wondering, why do they have to keep eliminating the teams? Why not give them points and let everyone do everything instead of sending one group home every week/episode? Good thing I'm not a producer of that shit...

I'm delaying the start of the commute to hopefully miss the heavy rain. Downside of missing the heavy rain is that I get to ride into the stupid stiff headwind. On the singlespeed surly with the stupid tall gearing.

Yes, I'm an idiot. Like Thom K is fond of saying, if you're going to be stupid you better be tough. or however it goes... why can't i remember the punch line and word order but can absolutely cinematically visually revisit many moments in my past? 

I know i know, i'm visual, it is my job, works well for wrenching and microscoping and photographing stuff...  not so much for getting the jokes or words right... hence more of an improv success than longwinded memorized lines...

Today has been more of struggle than usual, I think it pivots off of a really bad night of dreams and laying away at 3am thinking about Ashville CX nats and the time between leaving AC's place in Greenville and driving back to VA the morning after the Foam party, esp that morning. And then falling back asleep right into the not good dreams, not nightmares but I have no idea where my brain is coming up with this shit. 

The nice thing is all those flu and cold symptoms I was feeling and that were causing all sorts of covid anxiety bascially went away when I got some rest on Wed and Thursday... And then I went and did 31 miles in big river on the single speed on Friday, worked the whole day in the bike shop on Saturday, then did 21 miles in BR on Sunday, did some grocery shopping and stuff on Sunday. And today I'm just back to being fucking tired. And my legs were tired this morning.

The commute home? raining, 22-30 steady mph headwind gusting to 60. 

At least it isn't cold out.

Maybe I should have pulled out the eBike today...

should probably sell it so I don't debate and then regret not picking it...

ah well...

heddwch

G

Monday, November 16, 2020

busting shit

 Thru-axle this time.


Where to start. Holy crap what a wringer.

This week is making me tired and I'm only just setting it all up. 

I have lots of words to get out of my head.

Broken bike but how smooth and amazing it felt just before the break. Why it broke is pretty clear. 100kg, big wheels, hard tail, new england rocks, not riding slowly.

Was told I am indeed one of the fast ones. No. But yes I guess we are. Def not the fastest but fast enough that no one wants to ride with us. Strange.

Needed the rest actually so not riding was good but wanted to ride. 

Need a new rear thru-axle.

Super tired - Saturday was rough - slept poorly, ah life.

Somewhat recovered but mostly thanks to breaking more shit.

Moving from Strava to Ride with GPS. Begining the transistion. Strava is great, but too social, to judgemental, too, just wrong. Started the soft transition to RwGPS. App was already on the phone, now sending Wahoo rides to both. Started the process to DL all old ride data and import into RwGPS. Totally blaming ThomK. 

Technically Wrong is partially responsible for the wanting to switch. Intially thought 2021, but now thinking why wait... already turned notifications off on strava, there are people I only connect with there but i can let people know where I am, life's a two way street, i'm just moving a few blocks away, if that was too much, well, so be it.

Feels like i've been at my desk writing for the whole day.

And I have been. a couple help sessions a few zoom meetings and everything else just email flurries (i haven't looked at my email since the last phone call and I am afraid to look).

and damn i had a pile other stuff to add...

poof 

brain is vacant and tired...

gonna be a long week...

wear your mask...

6 feet isn't far enough...

time for Susi (the finnish word)

heddwch
g

Thursday, November 12, 2020

up and down

 just today

got a note from Singmaster - we drove out to Eco-cross one year and he had a CD of Girltalk we listened to on the drive - it blew me away. So good. I cued it up. SO GOOD.

Was just dancing and pumped after watching a scary bit on how complicated and how the details of the SarsCOV2 make it so difficult to contain and how it is so infectious and all that. It is really cool. Scary but cool. https://www.cell.com/cell/fulltext/S0092-8674(20)31159-4?rss=yes and https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/health/coronavirus-unveiled.html

This morning i saw a post on IG and was "gotta share that with KF, he'd love it"  ... then thought i should just toss it in the blog - give him the option to click or not.

View this post on Instagram

For awhile this morning as we pedaled along I was trying to explain to Nella and Jared how vivid my rides have felt to me lately, over the past couple weeks or maybe a little more: the leaves, for sure, but also the rich autumnal smells, and a kind of bountiful stillness that comes upon the roads toward evening, and the low-slanting sunlight putting its dapple onto everything, but also my connection with my bike — for minutes at a time every pedal stroke overtly feels playful, gear shifts are part of some conversation between my heart and the world of the road, my hands lie on and over and across the bar and the hoods like the casual intimacies of those long in love, more. So much more. . Then I got a flat. I told the group to go on, and I stopped, and something was also wonky with the wheel so I got everything to good-enough and turned and rode home alone, nursing the fix, and I’d scraped a knuckle and was bleeding a little, and I was as happy as I’ve ever been on a bike because that’s the way it is lately, the way it gets for us sometimes, some strange and wondrous reward we receive in return for all that we give. . . . #bikeisthewayoflife #bicycling #bicycle #pathride #dandltrail #morningride #dawnpatrol #savetheroadbike #curlybars #eastonpa #keepeastonwheeled . 📷 by @adamatkinson

A post shared by Bill Strickland (@truebs) on

and then later today saw that Leica has a new Monochrome camera the Q2

here's a lucky photog with one.

I posted on twitter, is it okay to dream? Yes, 5 grand for a quick fixed lens automatic camera is pretty crazy, esp one that *gasp* doesn't take color photos.
Paul went in and kind of kicked my Stoke in the nuts. 

It was seriously dejecting. Sure it is crazy money and yeah you need to have a level of disposable income or a career use for it to justify or even afford it. neither of which i'm ever able to attain. 

But then, think about it...  $5k is a lot. But is it really? How much do bikes cost now? How many people do I know riding around on $5k+ bikes? How many Firefly bikes or Chapman or fill in the blank bikes are coming in under that mark. Anyway. How many people go for the next model up car? How many go for the Accord instead of the Civic? SO MANY people. the extra $5k or however many grand. 

I was in a good mood. 

I'm kind of not right now.

But it is november and I have commuted to work the last two days with bare arms and legs. Summer kit. Even in the rain. 

It is also relentless here in the basement. Not mindbending 4 hours of non-stop intensity but constant fleeting bits here and there and again and again, death by 1000 razor blades. Sorry, life with instead of death. Not dead. Very conducive to twitter for those paying attention over there. 

Oh and read this - it will make you miss CX. or understand it a little maybe if you've never.

Well. I dunno, would love to recapture this morning's stoke. But like opening a jar of souls, they got the fuck out of there and ain't gonna be put back in - gone...

leave ya with these images from this morning in the fog



heddwch

G

Monday, November 09, 2020

The big exhale...

 It hit on saturday... the realization of how much we all were (I was) carrying. Huge release. 

Don't get me wrong shit is still poised to go sideways and the "center" aka people who hate the democrats and kind of are okay with the insanely radical republicans but still afraid of anything not themselves or worse still are being stupid, not as stupid as the radicalized gop but hey. Life goes on eh? 

Got through this part - now we just need to get through the rest of this month, december and most of january? and then what?

Covid is about ready to get REALLY bad here in the country, and who knows what else. 

Bike riding on sunday was awesome.

I spent too much money on a new device to tell me where i've been and how to get there. I even splurged for the wheel sensor and on the first big ride didn't make sure it was paired up and connected, or calibrated and all that. Oops. 

Changed brands and now all the old mounts don't work. Fun. And the tether is proprietary. Getting used to buttons only is good/different. Liking it so far. App is weird - need to actively connect, but i guess that's not bad, just an extra step if i don't want the app running in the background all the time.

Going to try and leave before pitch black out there. 

Also trying to figure out what to make for dinner, feeling mentally better, but still uninspired and tired. However I have successfully cut way back on coffee intake the last few days and rested and chilled more than normal and it has helped. 

Today didn't feel as productive as it was so that's good. 

but now there's a bike ride followed by a bunch of work and if i don't stop writing and thinking (and looking at other stuff and thinking and being distracted) it'll be 5:15 and pitch dark and I'll still be here.

Light bracket remedied. BUT DAMNIT - i need to leave now, didn't charge the headlight.

later y'all

heddwch

G

Thursday, November 05, 2020

not fun not fun

 Hitting the wall. 

So tired that coffee isn't doing anything.

Wiped out and bleary eyed.

Been working non-fucking stop since I hit publish earlier this morning and maybe that's part of it. But I'm sitting here thinking a coffee would be good, move around and feel, yeah no - that's not going to help.

Any more coffee and I'll start hearing colors and seeing sounds.

Just documenting it. I wonder when the last time was I felt like this - August? or did it happen in September. Can't remember if this happens ever couple months or more frequently. Maybe it is just time change.

Enough variables that i can get all conspiratorial theory on this. Simple logic is that for a huge massive pile of reasons I'm tired. Gonna take a new special class of drugs I don't have or want access to or sleep.

Maybe eating a salad will help. I grazed on the rest of lunch from earlier until the 1pm meeting. 

found a reset

 Yeah this whole thing is nuts. If that one guy gets more electoral votes then that is good, but it still means half this country are racist shitbags that want to kill people w/o consequence. Sure there are people who would object to that absolutely polarizing statement but they are probably selfish thugs or totally unaware of their racists white privilege. even if they aren't white. 

ok - got that out of my head. 

Bridge the gap, fix what's broken. I got in trouble for lamenting the fact that the Sars-COV2 stuff is only now just hitting all the "red" states, now that the healthcare system has figured out how to better manage the disease and how to reduce mortality. There are a chaotic number of variables involved but I feel there is enough truth to that statement to let it stand. And yeah no, i shouldn't wish ill on people to stupid to wear a mask or believe that not wearing a mask during the pandemic is their right and that they'll be fine and that no matter what anyone says it is still just a hoax and that friend or family member that got sick or died from it really actually succumbed to something else.  Bill Burr's thing there - not smart enough to wear a mask? Then you deserve what you bring to your family.

Sounds kind of harsh no? I guess I'm getting old and tired of being hopeful. 

So anyway this reset?
last night I just haven't been feeling any of the shows and i'm kind of getting tired of space opera and uncomfortable situations that eventually resolve themselves in the story. And I haven't found something I want to actually read in a while either. Movies? Not finding anything their either that I want to invest the time in sitting and looking at.

And yeah here's an admission, we have prime, and so I went there on the tablet, and searched Mountain biking.

And watched the first two hits back to back. 

And it was awesome. The second film was annoying but the footage easily made up for it. Now these might have been on rotation back in free movie days in the pandemic. I think I missed the screening of the second one then. And I def didn't see the first one.

But watching them sort of re-aligned the brain. And yesterday I think maybe it hit me that I am actually missing Cyclocross. The friends, the racing, the driving, the cider donuts at Bolton Orchards. The preparation the half assed thinking about maybe training, or at least attempting to start to make a plan to do some training. 

But bike yo? BIKES. 

So the films:
https://www.specialized.com/us/en/motive 

(redbull link)

and

https://anthillfilms.com/blog/2019/07/16/return-to-earth-watch-for-free 

(redbull link)

Sure it was a little bit of time to spend not moving, but after a day of doing nothing but that, not moving felt needed. And then the best part is I actually was able to sleep well and while i woke up too early and am still tired from the last week of shitty sleep, it was more of a fall asleep than a lay in bed till my system crashed and sleep.

Funny tho, how watching some crazy MTB shit kind of pulled the reset. Now I want to ride. More than just to work. In the woods. Out west or something. Or somewhere new maybe. 

But the reset was good. And now I'm ignoring extra stuff and writing about it. But getting this out of my head will let me focus more productively on the next task. 

yeah i made the first part less visible not that it helps but that level of harsh makes me feel a bit uncomfortable with it out there.

tunes cranking time to make the pancakes

heddwch

G

Wednesday, November 04, 2020

keep on keeping on

 I worked to avoid all the crazy bits and media coverage and guessing and estimating yesterday.

Some success. E was constantly refreshing watching and then one last phone check in bed that triggered my nerves a bit and a comment "I'm worried about the Country" fuuuuck - so that sent me over the edge a bit, bad dreams, restless sleep. Inconclusive wake up unfortunately. Haven't looked, am just working through and going forward and doing what I always do.

One foot in front of the other, do what I can do locally.

I feel like Paul during the TdF (normal not pandemic) when people come into the shop and want to talk about the live results, he usually gets people to shut up and respect the suspense he will get from watching it tape delayed when he gets home. And no, in the shop with Paul we don't watch it live on the TV. And yes, we respected his wish to avoid spoilers. I feel like Paul a little with this. And I have also mentally adjusted to calling this just looking at the results, not talking about who won. No one has won, esp with it being close. Close means far too many people are solid full on Fascist supporting people okay with evil and corruption and grifting. 

There's a full day here, yesterday was a full day, different day though. And then it was a long LONG drive in the car home. 1:38 expected drive time turned into 2 hours. It is 50 min without traffic as a frame of reference. Van didn't overheat and I got a chance to talk with Uncle Tom in Michigan. Send him some good healing vibes if ya feel like it. Recovering from non-elective surgery is never fun.

Avoidance isn't a great solution btw. I generally as a rule don't do well with the unknown. Part of the spectrum of how my brain is wired. My brain wants to fill the void. But in this situation avoiding the crazy seems to be helping a little. Enough information is leaking past the filter. I've checked twitter a few times Instagram, and looked at FB notifications. But limiting my scrolling and keeping busy.  Doesn't change the mood, the ominous weight, the implications for this country and for my children. 

It is a struggle for me, for so many and yes, I recognize my privilege to be able to be worried about it but not as impacted as others are, but I'm still struggling, many different levels... 


heddwch

G

(there - i wrote a blog post w/o mentioning singlespeeding, mountain biking or being sober)

Monday, November 02, 2020

INTERNATIONAL SINGLESPEED DAY

 YES SOMETHING POSITIVE.


It is a good hashtag for today. Happy Birthday to Paul components Paul. I was in Michigan but his rear Der made an impact and that hub was what we all coveted. 

and here is a bit to go on 


Grimy Handshake June, 1999 Grimy Handshake June, 1999 THanks STEVIL! and hey click over here too duh: https://theradavist.com/2020/11/from-henceforth-november-2nd-shall-be-international-singlespeed-day/

I posted over on the instagrams about it..

Gonna go play with a new to the family singlespeed with a legacy up in Boston tomorrow, should be good distraction Maybe go eat some food, go for a singlespeed ride.

I'd write up sunday but it was sunday - we had snow friday, i worked the shop saturday, rode bike and did grocery shopping sunday. yeah rode in the dirt. on a singlespeed MTB. and it was just as awesome as it always is.

Trying to do the work for the class i'm taking, finished up tomorrow's assignments just now so i don't have to try and get them done. 

Held about a 1/4 of an empty beer in my hands, nice and cold, as I was making chili (cooking ingredient yo) and half thought it sounded refreshing but ultimately disgusted myself and dumped the rest in the chili. 

Sure might be one of the few sober singlespeeders, but I think by rights I drank more in my 40+ years than most people will in their lifetime and I'm totally fine with that. The not drinking part. Just like the singlespeeding, I don't do it for anyone else but me.

Another idea, singlespeeding is kind of like taking the best parts of running and cycling and mixing them together. Sort of. Not really but maybe kinda?

NOW i'm gonna add something long and something pulled from a different site that pulled it from one of the greatest MTB magazines of all time. Fuck why'd we have to lose BOTH Dirt Rag and BIKE? 
Oh well adding them to the weblog here is fine maybe...  

one of these days i'll stop talking about singlespeeding, but honestly it is mostly just here and i'm mostly really juts talking to myself working things out in my head and capturing moments. And misspelling the hell out of shit - i think it is late and my fingers are't working as well as they shouldbe.

heddwch
G


--block quote and all that:



The Tao of Singlespeeding
By Corvus Corvax

1
The ride that can be finished is not the perfect ride.
The frame that can be broken is not the perfect frame.
The ride is the beginning of sky and dirt.
The singlespeed is the mother of the ten thousand gears.
Ever desireless, one can see the trail.
Ever desiring, one can see the bike.
The two spring from the same source, but differ in name;
this appears as riding.
The gate to all mystery.

2
Sky and dirt are ruthless;
They see the ten thousand gears as useless.
The wise are ruthless;
They see the riders as fools.

The space between sky and dirt is like a tire.
The shape changes but not the form;
The more it moves, the more it yields.
More gears count less.
Hold fast to the trail.

3
Sky and dirt last forever.
Why do sky and dirt last forever?
They are unborn,
So ever living.
The singlespeeder is behind on the downhill, and ahead on the climb.
He is unencumbered, thus at one with all.
Through flow, he attains fulfillment.

4
Better stop short than fill to the brim.
Make the bike too light, and the handling will suffer.
Adorn your frame with XTR, and no lock can protect it.
Claim medals and podiums, and drug tests will follow.
Drink beer when the ride is done.
This is the way of singlespeeding.

5
Thirty-two spokes share the wheel's hub;
It is the center hole that makes it useful.
Shape latex into a tube;
It is the space within that makes it useful.
Drill eyelets in a rim;
It is the holes which make it useful.
Therefore profit comes from what is there;
Usefulness comes from what is not there.

6
Accept difficulty willingly.
Accept pain as the human condition.

What do you mean by "Accept difficulty willingly"?
Accept being unimportant.
Do not be concerned with your heart rate.
This is called "accepting difficulty willingly."

What do you mean by "Accept pain as the human condition"?
Pain comes from having a body.
Without a body, how could there be pain?

Surrender yourself humbly; then you can be trusted to ride any trail.
Love your bike as your own self; then you can truly ride anywhere.

7
The masters are subtle, mysterious, profound, responsive.
The skill of their riding is unfathomable.
Because it is unfathomable,
All we can do is describe their appearance.
Delicate, like riders crossing a winter stream.
Alert, as if on tight singletrack.
Balanced, as if negotiating a switchback.
Focused, as if on a long climb.
Yielding, like fine steel.
Simple, like track hubs.
Smooth, like machined bearings.

Who can wait quietly for the ride to begin?
Who can remain still until the moment of action?
Followers of singlespeeding do not seek advantage.
Not seeking advantage, they are not swayed by a desire for change.

8
Do you think you can take my bike and improve it?
I do not believe it can be done.

My singlespeed is sacred.
You cannot improve it.
If you try to change it, you will lose it.
If you add a suspension fork, you will ruin it.

So sometimes I am ahead and sometimes I am behind;
Sometimes breathing is hard, sometimes it comes easily;
Sometimes there is strength and sometimes weakness;
Sometimes the trail goes up and sometimes down.

Therefore the singlespeeder avoids extremes, complacency, and heavy traffic on climbs.

9
Give up gears, and put an end to your troubles.

Is there a difference between the granny and the big ring?
Is there a difference between uphill and downhill?
Must I ride what others ride? What nonsense!
Other people are contented, enjoying their full suspension.
In spring some go to the trails and descend the mountain.
But I alone am riding, not knowing where I am.
Like a newborn babe before it learns to smile,
I am alone, without a place to go.

Everyone else is busy,
But I alone am aimless and wandering.
I am different.
I am nourished by the trail.


10
To ride one gear is natural.
Sprints do not last all morning,
Descents do not last all day.

The follower of singlespeeding
is at one with his bike.
He who rides smoothly
Experiences flow.
He who loses the trail
Becomes confused.
When you are at one with your bike,
The trail welcomes you.
When you conserve your momentum,
The flow is always there.
When you are at one with pain,
The pain is experienced willingly.

He who does not get out of the saddle
Will not make it to the top of the hill.

11
He who has his weight forward is not steady.
He who sprints cannot maintain the pace.
He who makes a show is not enlightened.
He who is self-righteous is not respected.
He who boasts achieves nothing.
He who brags will not endure.
According to the followers of singlespeeding,
"These are extra gears and unnecessary weight,"
They do not bring happiness.
Therefore followers of singlespeeding avoid them.

12
Spinning is the motion of the singlespeed.
Flow is the way of the singlespeed.
The ten thousand gears are born of singlespeeding.
Singlespeeding is born of not riding.

13
The wise rider hears of singlespeeding and practices it diligently.
The average rider hears of singlespeeding and thinks of it now and again.
The foolish rider hears of singlespeeding and laughs aloud.
If there were no laughter, singlespeeding would not be what it is.

Hence it is said:
The smooth trail seems rough.
Going forward seems like retreat.
The easy climb seems hard.
Singlespeeding is quiet and without artifice.
One gear alone nourishes and brings the ride to completion.

---------

Adapted by Corvus Corvax from The Tao Te Ching, translation by Gia-Fu Feng and Jane English, Random House, Inc., New York (1972), with apologies to Lao Tsu.


© 2002 Dirt Rag Magazine

Wednesday, October 28, 2020

what is really driving it all

Is it pure capitalism, lock them down to kill the competition to aggregate the wealth, no it is purely to protect the people, but the people are still dying it can't be for that, look the lock downs don't work...

Chaos theory. Too complex for anyone to get a handle on. Why? Same reason why evolution is pretty close possible to model. Way too many variables, far too may. And in many cases lots of the policies are well intended, and like I mentioned way back in June when everything started top open up, plans need to have flexibility or options built in. Revert if it gets worse, not keep going.

I'm not an epidemiologist but I am a biologist. I am also not focused one particular model, I'm involved in so many different areas, I can't dive down and give you fill implications for a particular protein mutation or how this one factor impacts a 10-16 day model organism embro. But some of the biology makes more sense to me than to most it seems. Kind of why I like emprical cycling podcast, those guys do a good job explaining the biology and physio behind exercise. 

Shit is FUCKING NUTS out there. Although i see pictures of people racing CX right now. Somehow CT folks feel it is okay to race. Other people in the white cycling community are full on scandemic spreaders. Whatever you want to call the crazy going on... I keep coming back to the basis of conspiracy theory, and really to point out "alternative explanations" is just a different way of saying conspiracy. Playing devil's advocate is a way for a bully to take the offensive, rally their fans and tarnish credibility of others. There are ways to challenge ideas w/o being "devil's advocate" hell that's kind of like saying I have ____ friends so I can't be _____. *Fill in the blank so many ways. 

There's a lot of crazy out there. 

These next couple weeks are going to be a bit intense I bet.

I got a great ride in on Sunday tho. Got some work done on Saturday. Never got around to the homework I was supposed to do on Sunday for the course I'm taking. Privilege assumed that I've got the energy and time during the weekend to work on that stuff? NO. I was fried. Done.

Couldn't deal with it. But I did get an awesome 20 mile singlespeed MTB ride in. Agent Utah showed up (and bailed early - started lagging a bit) Betty crushed it and of course there was SteveO and Syl and a brief showing of ABS. Climbing loop on the SSMTB was rough but fun. I had to run up a few things but rode enough. Garmin was a bit cranky. Saw some Witch Hazel blooming. Did the shopping and the cooking and not much else. 

Headed out to Dirty Smackdown last night - on the singlespeed CX. Oh man so much better than the other bike with gears. Handful of other's mechanicals that I had tools to help repair/get moving. One woman walking her little dog was upset and angry but everyone else was happy and welcoming and friendly. BTW - if you're going to complain use the facts, if there were 11 people don't say there were 20. And yes we were all wearing masks when talking/stopped and we were all pretty well spaced when riding and on single track that isn't straight the risks are pretty damn low. Very different than a CX race but also fun and a challenge and esp fun when it got dark in the woods. I think everyone made it out.

And best? I had a tailwind on the way home. My legs were absolutely still feeling sunday's effort at the start of the ride, I was lagging and slow even with a 20 min warm up ride. Took another 20 minutes or so before they started coming around and I just felt better on that single speed, 

Oh and the Brants are back. Looking back over the last handful of years they are right on track - end of October. 

Isn't every day singlespeed day? Well it is for some of us. Also 34x20 with 3" 29r tires, pretty perfect:
https://www.instagram.com/tv/CG2_4TvjcAk/

And yeah we're all hitting the wall. Weather looks like might force time off this weekend. Maybe not the worst eh? Haven't had a weekend off since the week after I smashed my fingers and my head on the rock back on my birthday.

I do think about this a lot.

And I'm struck by something, there's little good new content being created on the internet. At least not like it was in the past. Content has been narrowed and targeted to a specific app based platform, you not on the platform you have a hard time browsing content and then the content isn't set up for you, it is set up for the app platform to generate 'engagement' set to reward those who keep people in there longer, what if you're an outlier? You're pretty well and fucked for finding what you want to see. And worse maybe you're an outlier on an already fringe topic, totally fucked. But then there's youtube, kind of still like the olden days of finding something similar to something you found but even then, targeted and it is a maddening experience if you don't have an adblocker installed. 

Long live the internet but i think social media killed it and news and the planet or something, Maybe I can sneak out early today... ride my singlespeed home. hope for a tailwind. Make some dinner, maybe watch some TV, get distracted by something. Maybe cue up a book and listen and try and putter around and be semi-productive tonight or just try and recover from today. I have to do a lot of thinking and writing tomorrow, need the brain fresh and ready for that. or not. Kind of like my riding, it happens without respect to optimal timing or training. Just do it. Get it done. Agonize about everything but just do it.

keep going y'all, keep being there for your job, your family, those around you, do what you can, all that chaos out there seems uninfluenced by your actions, but ultimately all of us doing the stuff makes a difference.

heddwch
G


Friday, October 23, 2020

one cog to rule them all

 Print about Singlespeed.

https://www.bicycling.com/rides/a34454946/single-speed-mountain-bike/

and
https://www.sbnation.com/secret-base/21517393/single-speed-bikes-are-the-best

I mean you know about it - can't but get it, or not get it but know someone who thinks they get it and poses their way through faking a singlespeed life.

Actually - after trying to ride CX with gears, well, it will take a lot of riding with gears on the trails to get the shifting part of my brain working more than just changing singlespeed gears. Oh i should shift up now, shift down now, shift shift shift keep that cadence in the band, pre-shift so your in the right gear after the corner or shift just before you need it or ramp it up over the hill or or or... conceptually and maybe deep in the back of my monkey brain the connections are there but all this singlespeeding, commuting, CX and now MTB'n has really put those synapses into stasis.

When's the last time I raced CX with gears? Wasn't last year. Or was it? Nope, not last year. Might have been Fruitlands but I'm also dumb enough to think maybe trying that with singlespeed might have been fun. Man 2018 was ABYSMAL results wise. Terrible. Wow. But also I took all of 2017 off basically, lost all fitness. If exploding the bursa in my knee the day after Supercross Cup didn't kill it, the over training doing the HOTM_NECX challenge and burning the fuck completely out and not pedaling hard for a year after certainly did it. 

2019 was the start of the getting back into shape, the motivating goal of riding the Coast to Coast Gravel race got me back on the bike, doing long rides. It was the first time I figured out why my back would always get worse after hard training and racing, crank length. Between solving that and the long riding I put some good base together. The racing was better than the year before but it was also purely single speed and i wasn't totally in good shape for that. Had a solid base but no intensity. I think this year I might have made the next step in the progression, just a little faster, little better. Maybe. Feeling better at least. Finding speed when I need it. But also not finding the motivation to put an effort in for more than just a short session here or there, no extended race length efforts. Probably should do that before racing again.

MTB helping? maybe. maybe not. The TT work did seem to show quite a bit of improvement over the previous years. Getting a closer but still a ways to go before finding that 2013 form. Aka never, that's 7 years gone and will never be found again. 

The other thing I keep being reminded of. I'm old. Also and more to the point, this would have been my first year racing in the 50+ group. Back in '06 those 50+ guys seemed SO OLD OMG like they were all fossils and stuff. Yeah. I know. But here's the other thing, racing 35+ was fine, and then at some point a few races did some 40+ but most of the big ones stayed 35-45-55, and just as I would have started racing in the 45s, Verge series decided to move to 40-50-60. And that was frustrating. But whatever. I had a personal theory that as soon as I was going to be able to start racing in the 50+ group they were going to change back to 35/45/55... and then back to 40-50-60...  kind of every 5 years switch just to fuck with me. And well this year? Fuck it we're not going to change the categories, we're just going to completely cancel all racing.

BOOM.

same thing. 

I find it just funny. Makes me laugh. What else can I do but that?

Hey like normal I got interrupted. Time to get on the singlespeed commuter and head home. One gear, the big over gear. And I think I might need brake pads and I don't know if I'll actually be able to find any for this bike. Consumables are getting hard to come by. Should have stocked up (on disc brakes, i still have a few canti pads pairs hanging around).

heddwch

g

G

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

riding with gears is too difficult for me

Instead of posting elsewhere as a comment... cue it in here: conspiracy is just a different religion, a way to placate the minds of those who can't manage with the chaos

A way to create order and cause when the cause and order are beyond the scope of an individuals logic, knowledge, education and intellect.

Marx, that crazy motherfucker did get some shit correct ATMO. Religion is the opiate of the masses, or whatever he actually said. Like Einstein said, never memorize anything you can look up easily. And then even tho i could look it up easily, fuck it - too much work. 

oh and speaking of religion.. go get your flu shot https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2020/10/young-invincible-flu-vaccine/616794/ 

and fine - you can pronounce GIF however you want, but keep in mind i'll stick with the inventor, mostly because of my name and how it is pronounced...  kind of OBVS - took this goofy youtoob wideo to get me to concede and just let it be.

This extra stuff is really kind of taking more work than i thought. Not bad. Good challenge, esp since it is different.

Dirty Smackdown was different. Lots of mechanicals, and people who had trouble riding on wet roots. Gravel tires are not mud tires btw. 

And I cannot use gears properly right now. Like almost always in the wrong gear unless it is a long consistent stretch and then I can get to the right gear eventually but transitions? Terrible. Brain is full on Singlespeed.  Not the worst but it is what it is. And I need to clean that bike from last night.

One thing made me laugh "Who's that guy with the librarian wife? I email him now and then but can't remember his name." So random that it made me laugh. 

Lights - my light finished charging before it was time to go but my handlebar mount (best for contrast in the woods) was set too high, so I moved it to the light bracket on the helmet, but then I lost all depth perception and benefit of the shadows. And my helmet got heavier. Needed a 4mm to adjust the angle (too tight), and well, shit couldn't quickly get the 4 out of the multi-tool that I had with me. My pump got used a TON. And it was a good ride, even with all the stops and breaks. But man 38.5 PSI is way too high. But tubes, and narrow rims, and roots and rocks means I can't run lower...  maybe a little lower by not much.

And a confession - i was not able to finish reading Harrow the Ninth in the time I had it checked out from the library. Between being too tired, busy or unmotivated, and it not being quite as engaging as the first book but also REALLY confusing (still i'm about 1/2 way through)...  it is getting better, slow build but of course it takes me until i've got no time to read it for me to be fully engaged and ready to read...  I requested it again, #17 in line on 2 copies... might need to check the bookstore for this one. 

Books, Bikes, Food, Music, Photos... 

i really do hope y'all are doing well, or at least managing, reach out if you need to vent, talk, or whatever - i'm here to listen whenever you need it, thanks for listening (with your eyes) to me.

heddwch

G