So, Smackdown, new bike

 Where am I? Where was I last? Who knows.

There was a lot of drama and discussion after last week's smackdown. People were mad, some felt targeted unjustly and there was general division and concern about it continuing. 

Communication broke down a rider meeting was picked to happen at one spot and then cancelled but not announced that it was cancelled and it was generally a shit show. Super low turnout due to a threat of some massive storms moving through. 

I thought maybe it would all stay north of us. It did not. We rode through three distinct massive downpours on the ride. me on the new bike. I was an idiot and started the ride off up front with Graham, spent a good while way up in the wind. But also could feel that my legs were still tired. 

Side note, someone pointed out, (it was Reece on the Trek DH team recap) that emotional and life stress causes the same level of fatigue as racing and training stress and how important it is to minimize it at the highest level.  And here I am absolutely burdened with stress, of my own making and my own brain wiring, filled with anxiety about the trip, about how to make it work, about all the new and all the unknowns and, yeah, then there's life, fitting everything in, stressing about little things trying to leave others alone but never escaping them from the back of my head. 

It is a heavy burden and one that is negatively impacting my riding and recovery. It is in part being sick for that stretch of time, but also contributing and carrying on from that illness has been all the rest. 

PERFECT TIME FOR NEW BIKE. ugh.

So anyway, we head out, doesn't start raining for a bit and well, pretty soon we're strung out single file, Graham doing his tempo thing. 22MPH avg, but that means super fast on some sections. had to chase back on after the turn on Prospect (car), wound up in the sketchy zone of pulsed accelerations, then I bombed down Jacob because why not, sat on Frenchie's wheel through the turn on Pine and while it felt awesome, the bike ain't gonna help me get up hill. Seems to make me faster on the flats but up the hill? Not so much. Still carrying a bit more weight than the watts I make can handle. Need to work on that.

Got gapped and dropped on Pine. Caught a couple people on  Homestead, and yeah this was 3-5mph faster for a given effort than the Paramount in the same stretch. On tired legs (singlespeed on sunday, totally different story but I tried to ride the shifty squishy bike for Dirt Church, loaded it onto the rack only to notice a spoke that looked weird... touched it to see how loose it was and the nipple dropped into the rim. I thought it was just loose at first but later i looked and the spoke broke at the threads - so i swapped for the SS and tried to ride easily but you can only ride so easily with one gear here).

I could see the group just a head, 2 tenths of a mile by rough reckoning from where I was when they turned on Rocky Hill. So I tried my fucking hardest to go. Was okay, not great but not bad. I wasn't going full max but somehow couldn't or wasn't able to get the headspace to push at the max.

I wound up catching another dropped rider just after the bottom of RH, and rode with him and I set a second fastest time for me (leading) on the Bliss to Danforth segment, and that's saying a lot. We did pass John Harris fixing a flat, and then picked up Carlos. He added a third to our rotation and caught some of the torrential rain we rode in on his video camera. 

The bike does one thing unexpectedly amazing. It TURNS. Like HOLY SHIT WHAT? Like every turn now the bike wants to lay flat and hold the line. It was terrifying in the back of the Bs honestly. the bike wanted to go so much faster than everyone around me. Faster than I'm used to but with also with me feeling like this bike could take it even tighter AND faster were as before I was on the ragged edge/limit of the bike. Can't really explain it but whatever the FUCK they did designing this bike they did it right.

WOW. Is all I can say.

Working really hard to try and take it easy, and recover for tomorrow's TT. But lets face it. I'm almost 52, have a fuck ton of stress, and even a good night sleep doesn't really have the same bounce back as it used to. 

Anyway, we made it back. And then Orlando let me have a torrent of anger and frustration and I spent a long time talking with him after the ride. We hit the main points, we got things sorted I think, found some common ground and reassurance and understanding. It is funny, everyone still thinks I'm running this circus, and I'm not sure I like it, because I'm not, but maybe because i have for so long? I dunno. 

I do know I had great legs in the middle of June, and pretty much nothing since. Anyway, we started wrapping up and then it started raining again, then it absolutely UNLOADED again. 

Third, Fourth? I dunno the whole ride seemed to have as much water coming down as coming up from the ground and the bike didn't give a fuck. It was happy as could be. The disc brakes? Well yeah they get annoying with road grit and sand and loud with the water. Whatever. 

Finally got home. Ate, ate some more, had dessert, and finally was able to sleep. 

I'm finally getting used to the Di2 stuff. I made a tweak to the bar angle just now, we'll see how that feels on the ride home soon (brought it up a touch). Def not super keen on the saddle but getting used to it. 

I should go through the full build process that I finished on Saturday (spent basically the day working on that bike instead of building bikes and getting paid). Maybe later, or i'll peck it out on my phone while traveling... or not...  Need to take the paramount apart and prep for repair... need to get the Black blue back together for geared commutes, but need the chainring, shit. Anyway. 

Time to pedal home. 

Then make dinner and try to knock a few things off the stressfully long list of shit that needs to get done. But also try and relax after a long intense day (stochastically intense, not steady but still two large blocks of training always is exhausting and that was no different today).

And here's a few film photos from the Leica roll...

Heddwch
G

link dump

Sitting in a seminar. 

Time to clear the chrome pages on the phone:

https://usrowing.org/news/2023/7/7/team-usa-usrowing-announces-camp-selected-boats-for-2023-world-rowing-under-19-championships.aspx

https://trainatchulavista.com/2023/06/30/u-s-rowings-2023-under-19-national-team-selection-camp-nurturing-future-champions-at-chula-vista-elite-athlete-training-center/?fbclid=PAAabY_ae1NJGrFu-t2sXKZrTg505A8EySSarkXuq4kfJO7-RhcGulAr6xtqE_aem_AZyVNTHfaccfVdrL8pVsm1ouLfA35Cvtc13EDFAsO3c7Oj0si3jmlXJ6UIqFfvgIy5Q

http://www.normantacchi.it/albums-work/scopri/

https://www.diyphotography.net/pentax-k3-monochrome-review-what-a-great-camera/

https://fstoppers.com/historical/why-camera-maker-lytro-failed-despite-brilliant-technology-633479

https://fire.airnow.gov/#

https://www.35mmc.com/02/05/2023/spectral-sensitivity-of-bw-film-a-deep-dive-into-orthochromatic-panchromatic-and-all-the-rest/?unapproved=423059&moderation-hash=485f0003081f731d7f04d20474d3cf8d#comment-423059

https://petapixel.com/2023/05/24/pentax-k-3-iii-monochrome-review-a-dslr-just-for-bw-photo-lovers/

https://www.35mmc.com/16/04/2023/5-frames-with-the-kodak-retina-1a-very-expired-ilford-fp4-by-peter-kay/

https://www.35mmc.com/23/05/2023/a-whole-roll-of-ferrania-p30-black-and-white-film-if-it-was-an-automobile/

https://petapixel.com/2023/05/24/pentax-k-3-iii-monochrome-review-a-dslr-just-for-bw-photo-lovers/

https://petapixel.com/2023/04/25/pentax-made-a-monochrome-camera-is-it-a-smart-move-or-desperate-ploy/

https://www.fasttalklabs.com/sport-psychology/why-is-it-so-hard-to-go-easy/

https://pentaxrumors.com/2023/04/12/pentax-k-3-iii-monochrome-camera-leaked-pictures/amp/

https://analoguewonderland.co.uk/blogs/film-review/the-best-35mm-film-for-portraits

https://www.digitalcameraworld.com/reviews/kentmere-pan-400-review-affordable-black-and-white-film-photography

https://petapixel.com/leica-m6/

https://thenoisyshutter.com/2021/09/28/the-accidental-kit-pentax-spotmatic-sp/

https://icatchshadows.com/just-for-fun-shooting-kodak-tri-x-bw-film-in-a-vintage-pentax-k1000-camera/

https://www.35mmc.com/01/04/2023/economies-of-film-by-simon-king/

https://petapixel.com/2023/03/02/finding-the-decisive-moment-in-candid-street-photography/

https://www.thephoblographer.com/2023/02/25/street-photographer-michael-young-says-you-should-slow-down/

https://www.35mmc.com/22/02/2023/kodak-technical-pan-discovering-the-joys-of-expired-film-by-theo-swinscow/

https://www.singletracks.com/mtb-gear/lennard-zinn-on-the-physics-of-mountain-biking-bike-fitting-and-fitness/

Some are old, and have been posted before.

But now they are deleted and now I have fewer tabs open on the phone.

Got a pile more words to spew. Some anxiety about the new bike but excited for Smackdown tonight, excited and anxious.

Trying to get through the day. Each day. Working on managing the upcoming trip anxiety. It's just a trip, somewhere new. Could be anywhere. It'll be fine.

Right?

Heddwch,

G

Over-expression of the IDGAF gene

 "If the MIT study is right, the inactive striosomes result in overexpression of the IDGAF gene."

There's someone else still putting out weblog things, in a more structured format than I have bothered with lately.

Some of his stuff is good, some, i dunno. lately been good, but maybe because it resonates. 

This one, about death and the framework of life and what it takes to do all the shit he talks about there.

Worth a read. Not the book, the blog post. 

Oh and if you feel like doing some good, can you help the folks in West Africa by voting on the BDL Improved Shea Nut Roaster? click here and vote for it: http://wshe.es/52T4k5ku 

Ah TT nights

 Timing yesterday? Off. Got in and had no time to eat the breakfast I'd planned (you know, jump start the metabolism, break the fast, replace the small amount of fuel used on the commute in but, yeah, no, check in on the scope demo, then check in with project lists then sit in a meeting that I thought might be 30 minutes that turned into 90 minutes and a follow up meeting later that afternoon, finally ate lunch late, burritos of course, but a little lighter on the rice (yeah I put rice in my stuff because I don't eat it on the side usually) than I wanted, heavier on the hot sauce (yellow bird habanero) because it was easier than chopping the jalapenos or serrano, should have chopped for the heat (burp). Cranked through a pile of other shit, ate breakfast at 2:45, mostly because eating it later would have been bad. But I did manage to drink a liter and a half of water on top of the coffee so, well hydrated at least. Not feeling too tired, but fuck, another stressful thursday. 

Left later than planned because of the second meeting on the microscope with someone with bigger dimples than GoFahr and the leica guy and it turning into a confocal lecture on hardware and sampling and all the rest of the stuff. Learned a bit more about how their things work. ANYWAY...

Rode out alone. Pushing the pace on the Paramount just never seems easy. Like I've said, forwhatever reason the Paramount is faster alone than the Black Blue, but neither are fast. The Black blue is faster sitting in a draft than the Paramount, or should I say easier to stay in a draft. Which really doesn't make a ton of sense but I keep testing it and that's what seems to happen over the years. Maybe the lower bottom bracket on the Paramount, the lower and narrower bars? Dunno. The Paramount is sure as fuck heavier than the Black Blue. But black blue still has a flat (easy fix), but destroyed drive train (works fine except the 17 and it skips under load and I use it too much). I do actually have a chain and cassette for it but I need a new chainring up front, a 44 narrow wide, dropstop, whateversingleringchainretentionprofileyouwant and yeah, need to order one. Think maybe it is a good idea, that or get the Crocket back up as the backup road bike or maybe just put gears on it or fuck it maybe not, maybe leave it singlespeed this time? Dunno.

Rolling in to the gathering point who do I see? Cronoman. Looking fit and the same as always. New bike tho. And If the Cronoman is there, well Solobreak is usually not too far away and sure enough. Got a chance to chat in person and hang out a bit before, then chase him down in the TT lining up a little behind him. It was Solobreak Burke then me. and then some fast skinny MAMIL on some fast fancy bike behind me. He caught and passed just before we hit 118. It looked like I was reeling in Burke for a while but he must have saved more on the front end than I did and went fast enough to dissapear on the back half of the course.

Took me until midway on Reynolds to catch Solobreak, I was hurting. And having metrics really didn't seem to help me much. Almost distracting from me just pedaling as hard as I could. And the GPS drop was annoying, heavy tree cover and the speed would drop even though my cadence was the same and I wasn't shifting. Tried to push it hard on the backside but I knew coming into the 118 mark that seeing 10:40 meant I was going to not be any faster than last week. But I tried to push and push and recover a touch on the downhills but it was all a lot.

Crossed the line, stopped the strava there, looked, 13 seconds slower than two weeks ago. But that many days in bed sick isn't a great thing for building speed and then the slight headwind and everyone saying it was a slow night, well... I'm going to call it a wash and say that's where I am now on that bike, and maybe that helmet helped minimize the damage, maybe I'd have been 20-30 second slower with the old hot helmet. This one sure a fuck was way cooler. 

Hung out a little bit, enough to watch solobreak start to swell up from his last corner bee sting on his lip to the point of making it tough for him to drink his post TT beer. Hopefully it settled down, it was looking PUFFY when Burke and I rolled out home.

Legs felt a bit worse after than two weeks ago, maybe that's the lost fitness but not lost speed? I dunno. Fucking stress and shit maybe. legs were like day old french fries, useless soggy potato sticks.

[just] Made it home in time for the World's zoom meeting. It is gonna be CRAZY. 

Ate, tried to sleep. My back got fucked up from getting all twisted in one of the meetings, I could feel it being grumpy and well, I should have taken something before bed to calm the nerves down so i could sleep, BUT NO, had to be stupid stubborn idiot.

Maybe new bike will be ready next week? We'll see. Gotta get through today, and then tomorrow, hopefully get out in the woods Sunday (been way too long) and start the final push before the trip. Work before and after leave is intense and not so much fun sometimes. So much pressure to fit everything in.

ah well,

yall be good

here's a photo I took last night of some of the suspects:

heddwch
G

Bad luck and crazy

 Smackdown lately. A bit of both. Crazy in the A ride with just flat out stupid and dangerous riding (but so far no one has been run over fortunately). Last week there was a crash that took out a big gun, hit a corner and the guy in front didn't know there was a pothole at the apex and bonked it and lost his front wheel and went down and then took out the rider behind him. Accident and not sketchy other than not seeing the pothole in the turn. That was the A group. This week it was the B group's turn, another rider went down heading down rocky hill. that final right hander before the last left and the run out at the bottom, he hit a rock, the ONLY rock in the road in the turn, literally, one sharp bit of gravel and he hit it with the edge of his tire and put a 2cm gash in the front tire and well... at 35-40mph losing your front wheel is usually no good.

I only rolled up on it and fuck, feared the worst. I rolled up on it because I got DROPPED hard, got a little bit of a gap on Jacob and was just off the wheels when they turned up Pine and on the Paramount, and given I had been sick and in bed for days straight last week, I didn't have it to close the gap and hang out. 

So I rode mostly alone. Slowly, but trying to keep some steady tempo going. I'm okay with getting dropped, I'm still pedaling hard, I'm still out there, I'm old and life's been kind of messing with me, either sleep or food timing (yesterday's pre-smackdown lunch was delayed by almost 2 hours, not idea) or just life stress. 

Like stressing about the arrival of the new Chainrings. Speaking of new rings, if I want to get the black blue back together I need to order a new chainring for it. I'd thought about maybe decommissioning it but I think it makes more sense to decommission the Paramount and get it in the hands of someone who can bring it back to life (Chapman ideally). Looks like I'll race it for one more TT, this time with metrics (so i know how slow I'm going instead of guessing).

And honestly? I'm working on trying not to be terrified about going to France. It should be fine. Should be a nice vacation and should be exciting and cool and I'll have the new camera with me. I did figure out how to transfer photos to the phone so I can share easily while there or anywhere w/o a computer. No I don't think i'm bringing one with me. And I'm kind of thinking no film camera although that seems almost like a bad idea. Half thinking about taking the Leica CL. I did finally finish the roll in there today so I have some film to develop tonight or friday night. And I have those rolls of Rollei to try next. We'll see how these look in the leica, might just go back to the Spotmatic. Although carrying around TWO heavy ass SLRs isn't maybe the best idea, esp w/o a dedicated pack. Might need to work on the latter. Or at least make a few custom inserts or foam shells. Add it to the list.

I've got the tray of slides. Want to scan them in. Personality challenges limit my access to the scanner I had been using. And that fucking sucks. Maybe I'll make it over to the media lab and use the big scanner there and try and figure out how to use a Mac again. Ugh. macs. Took a peek at some printers, thinking about maybe printing some of these photos off the new monster camera, but it'll take a lot of prints done by John before i can begin to come close to the cost and even then more cost when the ink runs out and having a computer with enough juice to run and managed the image files. I really need to set up an office/studio at home.  And yeah, where? I dunno. somewhere. This camera might have an expensive cascade...  but to be honest, it is kind of amazing i've made it this long without having a computer at home. But then I get enough screen time at work so not the worst. 

Crazy, i'm getting on a plane to Paris soon. Totally different level of planning than 24HOGG. That race is more work but, it is a known thing. Big difference for me. 

Well lets see what happens tomorrow. See if i can at least be consistent with the TT time, and set a more solid baseline before trying it on the new bike.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

couldn't last

 But man I'd hoped for at least two nights in a row. Too much appearantly.

Excessive water consumption? Maybe. But better hydration isn't bad, getting up was okay as I was able to fall back asleep, at least until the dog needed to get up. She walked over and did the low growl. and that got me moving without her having to resort to the full bark. And I guess she was somewhat patient, because she at least waited a few minutes after 6am to get me out of bed so she could get some water and go outside.

got ya another streets song... we had to lie to my dad's sister when she was there and we were all saying out good byes. She asked about heaven and something about being comforted that our dad (her brother) was going to be joining their mother and uncle and everyone else in heaven and about the church and religion and the rest, it was very much a Madagascar penguin line "Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave" we didn't have the heart to break it to her that we've all figured this shit out a long time ago, dad included, this is what ya get. Ya gotta make the most out of your time here. Sure maybe there's a place our consciousness goes after our bodies fail but pretty much we're gone. Makes it so much more difficult with that reality in some ways. The whole not being able to pretend this is just the beginning and that you're going to die and spend eternity burning or hanging out with the non-burning people. 

Life...  fucking life eh? 

Did pretty well, proud of myself for not breaking down into a panic attack, cascade overload of emotions writing the above. Getting there. Only a minor twinge of dread and terror.

Still no chainrings. 

Oh and two days of pick drills and my back is saying "you stupid motherfucker" But it is sore in a good way, ish. 

So far it hasn't spasmed into locked down but it is grumpy. But balanced.

Seriously, two days, 2 min of back, then 3 min of back and arms barely fucking 500 meters a session.

This is going to take a while.  Smackdown tonight so no pick drills, just some foam rolling and child pose and planks after the ride. 

New lid tho. Finally picked up a new road helmet. That fucking XXX wavecell road thing, sure was fine, fits well, warm in the winter (good for CX) almost matches the CX bike color wise, but fuck all if it isn't heavy as fuck and hot as hell. New one? I don't even notice it is on. So light. So insanely light. I've never had a helmet this light. 

lets see what the old paramount does and what my legs are like after this much time off. Will be interesting. Also of note, the warranty replacement Wahoo works with Polarized glasses now. My old one, put the glasses on and the screen goes blank. this one? not a problem. Itching to get it paired up with the new road stuff so i can see the gearing. 

Weird day, busy and crazy but it feels oddly unproductive. Maybe a quick walk outside. Not with camera though. Left that at home, not coming back to the office between smackdown and home. And it feels weird not to have it with me. Def need more work figuring it out. Def want a nice really wide lens but also, need to just be patient and wait. Maybe I'll get a birthday present. (FOR MYSELF BECAUSE DUH). Although, hmmm, would be kind of fucking cool to do the all day ride WITH the camera and a nice pancake lens.

Outside - a bit of heat acclimation prior to riding hard it in.

hey, amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

Finally

 A full fucking night sleep.

A week of these and I might be caught up.

Late for lunch. But what is time anyway. Introspecting on this career I managed to stumble on/make, reflecting on how it wasn't at all intentional, it was almost just dumb luck that I fell into something I'm good at and enjoy. 

Stumbled on some new tracks from The Streets.

Same but fresh. Something resonates in me with this stuff...  maybe the Dry Your Eyes track. 

Still no bike. Still waiting. 

Stormy as fuck yesterday. Got caught driving in the worst of it. Took high roads and there was still a lot of water rushing and standing but we made it home w/o incident, just as it calmed down. 

Feels frustrating to be off the bike, frustrating not to get a chance to ride the trails, frustrating that it is taking this long w/o the new road bike.

Got on the erg last night, did 5 min of pick drills. It is like doing the remount. I have to get the neural patterns sorted or I'll resort to rowing on the erg like a crossfit fool. Legs, body, arms, arms, body, legs, legs body arms. Pick drills start off with Back only. Straight arms, straight legs, just pivot 11-1, straight back, just pivot. Then I added Arms...  body, arms, but not before in the layback position, then arms away then body. Focus on keeping arms straight until layback is stable. One muscle group at a time...

Gonna take a while but honestly it feels good and feels like it is activating a few groups of muscles I don't use enough or don't use symmetrically enough. We'll see if I can keep it up.

This got sidelined. I take it back, I'm tired. I need a vacation. Not two days off or one here or there that just make everything else crazier.

Sigh.

Well lets kick this can down the street a bit further. 

Wanted to take a photo walk today. Haven't managed to do that yet. 

Maybe there'll be something that catches my eye on the ride home.

heddwch
G

Laugh and shit, okay?

 Mikey put up another good one.

https://nsmb.com/articles/the-big-gulp/

He's always been funny and we've both changed a fuck ton since those early days when I was in the shop at Michigan reading every BIKE that came in as soon as it did and the Grimy Handshake first. 

Now, still... I see this monster bottle and hear Ben Stone saying "That's gonna rip a few rivnuts out of frames"

finding another key

 or maybe it is just finding the lock... would be easy to open and toss the lock aside and move in with the key, but knowing where the lock is, maybe it is a combo lock that will take time to remember, or help from a friend to get the sequence correct...

that's better than where ya were before ya started...

Was watching this over lunch at work, okay well i started it waiting for my 12:30 appointment and just got back to it eating lunch late.

There's a fireside discussion, emotionally set perfectly by the filmmakers, Jimmy is talking and lets out the line that sort of did that opening bit here for me. Key, lock, whatever you want to label it, fuck even just call it a lightbulb moment to use a less creative or descriptive metaphor...

He says:
"I think that when you have got to a point where you lose something which is so precious. [pained gritted teeth, shake of the head] there's nothing else.  It get's in the way. 'Cause, the only thing you want is that back. And if you can't be emotional about that then your not a human being."

That loss causes grief, pain, emotion. Grief and loss need to be dealt with and processed. Not buried under alcohol, or distractions, or just pushing it deeper inside.

This sequence hit me hard for one reason, but now, writing that, there are many many reasons.

And no, I still haven't properly grieved the death of my father.

Yesterday someone posted this quote:
"Realizing you have nothing in common with people whose company you once enjoyed is sad. Outgrowing people is something we grieve."

I don't spend enough time with other people to find many if any that fit in that first category, mostly it feels like the other's find fault with me and outgrow, move on, distance themselves from me. The few people reading this might be some of the few people who don't fit in either, maybe because there's no routine physical proximity. I dunno. Feels more like the close friends I've had, and it goes back a very very long time, tend to drift away first. maybe that's my perception, maybe it is just a mutual drift. Easier that way. 

But those are maybe more damaging, they are slow growing voids, formerly a complete part of the framework, but out of sight it grows and dissolves that matrix, and without a clean point to take action, damage can manifest as unresolved grief unless someone else comes in to fill the spot.

From that point, realizing now, i dealt with it by filling the void with a new connection, maybe I burned them all down one at a time, I've been changing though, getting older, part of that has been recognizing how much trauma I carry from this process and not wanting to add more but then being left with a failing structure.

Recent void, yeah. Old loss of something so precious, in the middle there is my dad.

I'm going to collapse like Vermont did after all these rains when my mother passes. No idea how I'm going to handle that. 

Anyway, one of the things the life coach being interviewed was saying is it is great to help men because they are all so afraid to be emotional.

WELL GUESS WHAT? GEWILLI AIN'T AFRAID TO BE EMOTIONAL. But he just picks the WRONG SHIT TO BE EMOTIONAL ABOUT. 

Maybe this will help sort it out and fix some of the shit that's not so right. Probably not but hey. It hit home pretty hard so I toss some crap up here.

can't do this with threads or blue sky, not without annoyance. So no one reads blogs anymore, that's fine with me, maybe it is all better left unread.

heddwch
G

Day... 3? 3.5? 4?

 Dunno, time has lost all meaning, my back is a complete wreck from resting, no chairs are comfortable, bed isn't comfortable, nothing feels good. But maybe I feel a little better?

Putting big question mark on Thursday night's TT. As in unless I wake up feeling absolutely perfect after a good night sleep tomorrow morning I think it would be a bad move to try and do it. Maybe if I drive out? Dunno. Def not going to have the new bike ready even if the rings get to the shop today, but maybe that will play into it all and the rings won't get there till thursday or Friday and I'll just have to make due with Next week as a debut. and then... shit then what? France? 

Last night, or yesterday, i dunno which brief spell of being awake and unable to sleep it happened, too many of all of them, not enough good long sleep, I had this idea of finding/composing a still life/subject and going through the new camera (that has also been languishing unused as I'm trying to get better) first up an ISO bracket of the same photos, maybe start with 200 and go on up? Then maybe work on an F stop bracket comparison, will have to figure out aperture priority, then I guess next logical one would be shutter speed but that seems less informative, lot of crossover with the first two. But all that requires being in a creative enough headspace and being able to see, not easy to do when all you want to do is see the back of the eyelids comfortably and sleep well. Maybe I'll manage to take a nap and feel up to it afterwards. Also thought, maybe it was this morning, that I should work on some pick drills on the erg, get started with form with the side goal of being able to erg properly like a rower, not some crossfit gorilla, and strengthen the back in a way it doesn't get activated on the bike. Maybe it'll make resting like I've had to do easier. And MAYBE I'll get smart enough to know when to reel it back in and not get so strung out. (I feel like I've been saying this for a long long time with no good move to a resolution). Something's gotta give. Not sure what.

Drinking more than two small cups of coffee so far today has helped a little. I'm not sure how much of yesterday's headache and pain was from withdrawal or from the fever. Probably a little of both. And yeah I'm stubborn and probably stupid but I wanted to let the fever rage instead of tamp it down with tylenol or something else, body is using it to fight, let it fight, come on body, lets get control back.

Time at the computer is about used up, need to change positions (back) and eat more food (hungry), and close it up before I get replies to all the emails I just sent out.

Yeah I'm working (not much but still am) while I'm on sick leave. shocking. 

heddwch
G

Well that sucked

 Saturday was all downhill.

Chainrings not in the shop yet, maybe sometime this week.

And then I just kept feeling more and more tired as the day went on. Barely able to muster the energy to cook dinner, and then slept poorly but also with a fever, low grade, was 99 when I woke up Sunday morning, it peaked at 101.8 but stayed above 101 until this morning. back down to 99.

I didn't do much yesterday, bailed on the MTB ride, hell i couldn't do anything. I took naps! and then I still managed to sleep, although, being hyper hydrated has a downside. 

home sick today, will try for a few more naps, try to recover a little more. Dunno what this means for getting the bike together, or the TT on Thursday. Def going to bail on smackdown tomorrow. 

Reflecting on the week, and the week before, I've just been adding more and more and more and that TT pushed me right over the edge I think. Good MTB ride Sunday and then lots of work the rest of the day, then crazy day Monday and then Tuesday morning ride and tuesday afternoon's intensity and stress about finding flights and lodging in Paris (I know some people really love that stuff, i'm not one of them), crazy busy and stressful day W-F at work, and dog waking me up extra early most days... I mean it was a full week, full of huge positives. we can talk about L's selection to the U19 team I finally got a Monochrome camera. Funny this morning there was a less than stellar review of it here but most of the negatives seem to be related to people who are used to the other modern cameras, guess what? I'm not. And I haven't noticed issues with the focus motor sounds but maybe I don't know what I'm supposed to hear. Still need to figure out a few more functions to control on it, I did figure out how to turn off the sounds. 

Feeling like crap sucks. I need to work on not doing this again, and again. somehow. 

time for a nap

heddwch

G

TT post for real

 But first lemme be proud dad for a minute:
https://usrowing.org/news/2023/7/7/team-usa-usrowing-announces-camp-selected-boats-for-2023-world-rowing-under-19-championships.aspx

Just a little proud. It has taken a while, and a lot of support and not insignificant amount of fiscal resources (Thanks Dad) and it is just the beginning but, hitting a goal you've been aiming for for three years is unimaginable. Well for me, these kind of achievements are unimaginable to me, a big deal. 

That out of the way (oh and yeah, we've got tickets to Paris, better brush up on some basic french, although I feel like I might be as bad as I was when i was there nearly 30 years ago, can make myself understood but completely unable to comprehend the response).

TT. So while I'm waiting for another money pit (this has been an expensive few months, again, thanks dad), and with the black blue having a rear flat AND skipping in the 17 (whole drive train is trash except for the shifters and rear der)...  I took the fragile 23c tires and wheels off (aka no more carbon front wheel) the Paramount and took the set of 10sp Ultergra wheels I got from Golberg off the Quantum Pro and put them on the Paramount, tires are Durano DDs, heavy, strong, durable, not ideal for going fast. Nothing aero. No wheels, no frame, no carbon, hell there's even downtube shifters and a 40 year old bar on there. No aero helmet. Nothing. Two bottles, and no feedback. No HR, no speed, no cadence, no power, nothing. Because the Wahoo headunit screen started delaminating and they warrantied it and I'm still waiting on the new one. 

No feedback in a TT is tough. I don't know how slow I'm going, both good, and not good, good in that I don't get the negative feedback, bad, I don't have the extra motivation to push harder. I think for me it almost is better w/o feedback. That's how much the negative weighs on me. 

I was late, a protocol took WAY longer on thursday and I left 20 minutes after I had planned and, well got there just in time to pay up and get lined up. Again, up front. 4th. 

Was thinking back, 10 years ago, i was there, aero helmet, aero front wheel, disc cover rear wheel, aero bars, bar end shifters. And I was riding a ton with Becca. It was peak GeWilli TT. Hitting a strava clocked 18:24 or something silly. Nothing near the 16ish minutes John Harris clocked on Thursday this year but, he is a freshly retired pro on full world tour level TT gear. I still look like a cab over kenworth on a bike. 

Aero gear is unquestionably valuable in a TT. Even over an 8 mile course. 

I started off, went hard, got up to speed, then, just clicked down in gears. It felt good, was able to drop down all they way, wasn't super stable on that pavement with that fork when I reached down to shift but it was okay. Pushed it hard. kept it in that gear well past agricultural's second crossing, clicked one, then down one more on the rise, went back after jumping on 118, and pushed. It hurt and I was going hard, and it felt good. Had to remind myself to push it up the little rises, but made the turn on to Reynolds into the headwind and oof, that was hard. I tried to catch the next person up ahead but was making up no ground. So one of two things, aero, or too hard on the first 5 miles. Bounced back a little on the hill on Peck and was able to push it and cut the distance to the people ahead, but not totally catch them.

Made the turn onto 118, and was able to push and almost sprint for the line, legs were dead but not like last year. 

Finish time was at least faster than last year. And that's with zero aero wheels and much much slower tires. So. I'll take it.

It sets a baseline and we'll see what next week brings, even if I don't have the new bike ready to go.

Danny brought chips and beer (no water), chips were great. And we hung around I got a Bikeworks waterbottle isntead of a 3 pack of 20oz beers, and then Tine, Michelle, Colby and two other really fast guys headed home. And well, it started off just fine. Everyone talking, me just hanging on to Tine's wheel, going fast I think, and then? I dunno what the fuck happened but suddenly it was full fucking gas. Segment? Dunno, but it was all I could do to stay on the wheels. Everyone on their aero road bikes with deep carbon wheels and beep boop shifting. And me on my 1986 paramount with 8 sp downtube shifters. And me being SLOW. 

But I managed to hang on, until a turn and an acceleration and there was a gap and I couldn't close it and left Colby on my wheel and he went to close it and totally dropped me but instead of closing the gap and riding with everyone else, he dropped back and gave me a wheel to follow and a draft all the way home. He kind of fucked up and added a few miles to the end by missing the road to the white church off new medow but I didn't care. I wasn't really ever going that much slower on his wheel than I was in the TT. 
My legs were trashed, in a good way I think. But still. wicked smashed.

The ride home racked up more PRs on the road than I've seen in forever. Last year I was getting dropped riding slowly home, legit, like they weren't going fast and I couldn't hang.

Will be interesting to see what the difference is in equipment. More or less significant than predicted?

I guess I'd have to predict and I don't really want to, I'm honestly hoping for a minute faster, but potentially 2. More than 2 and i'll be amazed, less than 1 and i might be angry. Again though, weather and conditions are variables outside the bike. The headwind and the heat and humidity thursday night were not insignificant factors.

Well, best get my ass in the car and headed to 'Gansett. Gotta work.

heddwch
G

First Bikeworks/Rehoboth TT of 2023

 It rhymes.

And all the stuff for the camera is here and I'm almost rather be taking photos than sitting inside and writing but I'm just back inside from a walk.

And sitting down thinking it was still before 5pm looking at the clock and seeing it is almost 5:30, well.

I'm out of here. Gonna kit up and ride home, probably take more photos on the way. 

And write up the TT later.

Short story, I'm still slow. Just maybe not as slow as last year. And there's more fitness depth in my legs.

Good signs. Hopefully a week in paris won't wreck them. But man walking around today HURTS. Legs are worked the fuck over.

Time to pedal home. 

Fingers crossed for a tailwind.

heddwch
G

What a f'n roller coaster

 Emotionally and stressfully.

There are many things I don't do well. Planning? I am good at planning, committing to very expensive shit with lots of variables and unknowns I am not. No wonder my dad stuck to a very deliberate and simple plan. Drive everywhere, choose locations well, don't fly, preserve habit as it life depended on it. 

Syl said something yesterday that rung true through this process:
“Goals are not just about the making it to the destination.  More importantly are the accumulation of the experiences while you are  heading to toward that destination!”

A goal, a very high goal might or might not have been reached, not by me but by someone who has had an embargo placed on announcing that goal.

This finally precipitated a cascade of expenditures that have blown my mind. but on par with this whole me doing the new bike thing and that other thing.

The thing I mentioned on the 22nd? The whole saga of not knowing the camera was available until it wasn't available? 

Got an email on Monday saying, well, saying it was shipped. IN STOCK AND ON THE WAY.

And of course I have no lens for it. What to choose? Go full high roller and get the ultimate 16-50 lens? Limit myself with the 50-300 telephoto (85-460 in a 35mm equivalent)? That limit is tough, I did spend time with the 85 on the Pentax spotmatic and it is awesome but it is also not the best for landscape. 

Both are awesome PLM lenses tho. the 50-300 is approachable in cost, but the scope is narrow. Sure would be great for long distance shots of sporting events like rowing. But while really important to me, i think perhaps maybe that's not the best goal for a pure monochrome camera. If I decide to really totally lose my mind and get the color body, maybe that lens would be a good second. Oh also probably should get a pancake lens, maybe the nice low profile 40. But one thing at a time. There is a middle ground lens. 20-135zoom. Not the same focus motor, not the same fastness as the 16-50 but 1/3 the price and is still water resistant (like the body) and weather sealed and a bit more flexible than either. So finally with help/advice/counsel from one friend I value tremendously i pulled the trigger on that middle lens. Have not ordered filters yet. Might need a good ND filter set, esp given how sensitive the camera is.

First up though is getting familiar with it. I do need to finish up the roll in the Leica. Still have the two rolls of the Rollei film and the one JCH. But the JCH can be saved for special shooting, or once i'm done with one Rollei. I have a feeling I'm going to be shooting less film soon. And that's okay, and it will be pretty fucking cool to compare the two, they are very different. V E R Y different and I think that's okay and while it might cut down on the number of rolls of film i'm shooting, it'll be okay.

Oh and then there's the bike. ordered a pile of new shit for it. Went with more expensive bottle cages than I've ever bought but resisted going fully crazy with the highest level but they should still match pretty well. Ordered some Kydex sheeting to make some hand molded protective coating for chainring area and shoe and disc brake potential contact area. Will have to hand mold that stuff but Ben says don't skip it. New helmet, SO MUCH CRAZY. 

And most of all, Thank you Daddy. You were hella stingy with financial help before you died, and part of that means we've got a few extra dollars to act like spoiled children acquiring new toys or putting new roofs on or new septic systems in or traveling to the UK (not me) or following your lead and sticking it in a CD. 

Anyway, it is short lived, uncomfortable enough not to be come a habit once the small estate disbursement is exhausted, but very much appreciated. Would be absolutely insane if this was the norm. I guess that's how most of my cohort live. Certainly by observation those who aren't lacking are doing well. 

back to work.

Oh this:

He hits it bang on.

Like pencil drawing. 

it is different but effectively identical to film.

heddwch

G

click I get it

I had forgotten the fundamental indicators.

And have been fighting a back spasm.

Thought it was the Jetta. Nope

It was the Surly post slipping down 5mm (the gap I leave before the blinky light clamp). I thought it was not right, didn't feel too bad but also, fuck I'm an idiot for not remembering the correlation with this pain and that post issue. 

So 

#1 if the lower RIGHT side back/butt hurts, that's from riding cranks that a are shorter than 180s.

#2 knee pain happens when seat is 4-10mm too high

#3 LEFT SIDE pain like #1 is from seatpost being 4+mm too low. 

BUT it takes LONGER for #3 than either #1 or #2. #1 is after one hard ride or two easy rides, #2 takes a handful, three+ long rides but they can be spaced apart. #3 takes a while. But also takes a while to fix.

I guess#4 seat too far forward and the lower back fascia ties into knots that is the worst of all. 

So, I took the post out because it was almost seized. Didn't want to over torque because I've broken bolts and clamps. But have to go above spec to get it to hold (~12nm.)

Dumb.

Feel like I wrote this all before and forgot.

Also dumb.

Maybe I'll remember and maybe my back will start feeling better soon.

Heddwch

G

Fuck it throw everything at the wall today

 Lah de dah lets look at the web pages for the millionth time at this camera...

B&H, okay order still placed, backordered, still listing as coming soon... 

hmm lets check Hunt's ... fuck... nothing there, uh oh

lets check Ricoh's web page...

NOOOOOOOOO

Last I checked it was "Available Soon" or something like that... and now.

now what...

i'm crushed...

heart broken...

but maybe sold out and the massive consumer power of B&H means they've secured enough monochrome bodies to fill existing orders but no new orders... 

super sigh

really really big sigh...

---

UPDATE

guess who got an email on June 7th saying they were available? 

THIS GUY

guess where that email went?

STRAIGHT TO THE SPAM FOLDER

a very kind person at Ricoh-USA let me know this and has put me back on the list...

I'm like a million shades of pissed and sad all rolled into one...  SONOFABITCH

Sigh, nothing to do now but hope the next batch comes in... and there's one allocated for me...AND HOPING THAT IT DOESN'T GET SUCKED INTO SPAM

fuck

firehose to the holy grail

“Advertising has us chasing clothes and cars, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need, and the things you own, end up owning you.”

https://nsmb.com/articles/deccessorization/

G'Damn that's a lot of wisdom and resonance...

yeah yeah - guess I've been missing his shit for a long time...

and this

 https://nsmb.com/articles/leaving-our-mark/

At least I'm commuting to work... 

There's that one thing that is truer than anything else, being broke and poor is good for the environment.

Yeah I've been on an airplane, will again, but it is infrequent and always for important reasons and for a need, not a want. We've got small very efficient cheap as fuck cars and only two of them. A tiny house, and while we have a lot of stuff, we haven't been accumulating much of anything.

unless you count the couple bikes I've gotten, '18, '19, '21 saw new bikes, maybe '23 will too but that's a change from the 1996, 1998. 1999, 2009, 2010... for someone who rides as much as I do, sure I have a handful of bikes and some i don't ride as much as I could or should but they are all very well used and there's a pile of worn out shit I'm trying to figure out what to do with other than send to the landfill.

conservative, frugal, cheaper by the pound, always read the $/weight and compare, ALWAYS... lessons from my dad. buy cheap shit if it will work, and if it won't work look into if the cheap shit will be less expensive to replace than buying the good shit first. 

those idiots in the thing that got lost? sorry, i shouldn't wish ill on anyone much less a slow painful death of suffocation or a disastrously compressive end, but if you're a billionaire there is zero, literally zero chance you haven't killed dozens, hundreds or thousands of people through exploitation. Slow painful death by denying insurance claims, or flat our exploitive labor practices and what not. I don't think i need to keep painting that picture. And if you're smart enough to exploit the everloving fuck out of this planet and the inhabitants, maybe you'd be smart enough to make sure there's some safety shit going on in case of emergency. yay exploration but ffs... if you're gonna drop more than I'll ever be worth, drop more than I could make in years and years combined for a seat in a submarine, to go look at the titanic and not verify that it is safe? I dunno. My grandfather wouldn't even go for a short afternoon sail without enough redundancy to accidentally sail to Iceland. But he flew PBYs in WW2 in the pacific. 

Oh and CO2 hurts like a motherfucker. One of the most painful gasses (that isn't mustard gas, or other nasty bad shit). Nitrogen? Just a nice peaceful sleep, Noble gasses? The same. They replace the oxygen and the body doesn't even notice. CO kind of the same, ya don't know, ya just fall asleep. CO2? We're hardwired to avoid that shit, like painfully so. Hopefully they have scrubbers in there so the O2 levels just go down and not CO2 levels just going up. But given it is reported that there wasn't even an emergency beacon, i bet there's no scrubbers. 

Read and Watch

 No, I didn't sit down to write yesterday. I cooked dinner, ate dinner, and got a few things done but mostly just was tired.

It is a weird tired lately. Not hitting the wall fatigue but more just the ever present weight, a grind, an uncertainty a fatigue. But I'm not sleeping as well as I have and it could be all it is. I don't know, but I don't like it.

Anyway. Read this:
https://theradavist.com/the-right-to-joy-film-premier/
Then go watch this:
https://youtu.be/sVQbujtV-lw

it is 20 min long, here, I'll embed it as well.

Me and North Bend have some history. Maybe a story for a different time. I've probably told it a few times,  maybe even here. So if you've heard it then you understand there's a connection for me there...

Need to write up yesterday

 The annual MLFN memorial ride.

Short is it was awesome, I gave a speech at the start of the ride and made it through without cracking...  but i cracked and almost lost it when Justin thanked me for saying what i did.

My legs were absolute garbage, I was dehydrated, poorly fueled, tired, and had just spend 90 minutes in the car driving back from Waltham wondering if I'd get to the ride.

I did get there. Hung out till the hill up Austin, got pretty much completely dropped. Rode by myself but not alone. Wrote some words on instagram (click over there somewhere on the sidebar to read it).

But once again it was Mike's post that got me here (and a few extra minutes before leaving)
https://nsmb.com/articles/bell-curves-and-middlemen/

Stache is pretty much the perfect bike. Saddly I think the position on the Top Fuel is not quite right again. I rode it Sunday and i had the seat in the wrong height issue and a knee pain. I wish I could nail it just right because I really do love riding it and it is a much more relaxed and gentler bike to ride with the shifting and squishing. Sure I haven't actually tried to race it, but maybe i will and i should and yeah...  whatever and now I'm going to maybe add a road bike to the pile and have to dial that fucker in too...

but goddamnit MIKE yes the Stache is kind of the ultimate awesome bike. The new Roscoe is pretty close but not quite the same, better for some, most? but the Stache with the 3" tires is just the right amount of float over the loose w/o being fatbike slow.

anyway, i'm tired, stressed, looking for ways to carve some time off, keep screwing up and scheduling stuff... gonna ride home soon, without a rear brake spring in the BB7 (it got mangled and destroyed) lets see how long they work w/o it (i mean if they will get home), maybe i'll do a full write up tonight, but i'm tired, might not be able to...too much screen time already today...

heddwch
G

damnit motherfucker

The jackass who got me to finally subscribe to Bike, but that didn't happen till they tanked and then well I jumped on BETA because i was optimistic that it would carry on, but of course that tanked too...

And I was left without the MF content. That guy MF. Mike Ferrentino. We are similarly aged, he was writing about wrenching while I was wrenching, he was always that guy, on the short list of writers about bicycles that I related most to.

He's on the IG, selling a house and land, traveling all over the place, making fun of overlanders and all the other good shit. But his writing seemed to have vanished.

Except it didn't and he's still putting words together but that motherfucker never told anyone and who the hell reads North Shore MTB? 

I mean hopefully a ton of people so they can generate revenue and pay for his words but I wasn't among that group. 

https://nsmb.com/articles/back-handed/

There ya go.

And yeah, I put sunscreen on the back of my hands if I put it on my arms, always have, always will. I watched my dad's hands go through hell. It was the skin but also the nerves. He had lost all feeling in them basically. Not great when stuff is too hot or too cold, but we all got our thick leathery skin from him, some of us have developed it a bit more than others (the twins mostly).

I like Mike's writing because EVERY FUCKING TIME it gets me all introspective and shit. 

He's like a blogging catalyst, I look at my hands and they are small, fingers don't look that big and yeah I'm in that 30%... but I also know XL gloves usually don't fit my hands (too small). Just like everything else. choices are limited and brands all fit differently and such is life as an outlier.

Anyway, guess I'm gonna dive deep into NSMB and see what I've been missing. 

heddwch
G

been a while

 Since I couldn't fall asleep, since I couldn't stay asleep, and completely unrelated to turning myself inside out at smackdown.

Yet that was last night. Anxiety about switching carriers for the family, super trivial and thoughtless for others but me a bit source of overthinking and stress. Weirdly, but I guess when you break it all down there's both the unknown (I'm not the biggest fan) and change coupled with a first time. Just kind of hits all the triggers at once. Maybe it is why I've talked about it for years and just keep shoveling over buckets of money to the current carrier for a piddling amount of cellular data that if anyone (aka the only one with an iPhone in the family) goes on a trip, we're out of data. Funny that. The pixel phone people (the other three of us, all different editions at this point) never even hit half of the other phone's data. Habits? Frugality? Genetics? Better Wifi discipline? 

Work stress has added a massive layer to it all. And I've been pretty good at shuffling it off and leaving it here, esp lately. This latest stuff is tenacious and part of the awake time last night i was remarking at how great the weekend was, and how all it took was half a day at the imaging factory dungeon and I was crumbling and just struggling.  AND THAT WAS ONLY MONDAY.

At least we have a long weekend. Again. Should be nice. 

Layers of anxiety about the kid and making it on the big team, so transitive? It is there because I care and want the best but also, so completely out of my control that it should make it better but kind of makes it worse.

New microscope, the grant everyone has been wanting for a while. The grant I was hoping wouldn't get funded. Big new microscope. Replaces the really old one (1983 but mid 70s model), adds huge new capacity, totally new paradigm, something the structural biologists have been wanting. It is big, and expensive (about 2 million list). I had thought (until yesterday) that it would take a while to build and deliver. Maybe this time next year. 

Nope.

They have one that can be delivered in September. I get freaked out just thinking about what we need to do to get ready for it, much less write it all down. Room reno, equipment relocation, MASSIVE friction there. 

And then there's like four other smaller but related and unrelated but major things on top. 

It is worse than usual but it is what it is. Amor Fati motherfuckers.

Huh, blew right past my 5 year anniversary of being sober. Didn't even notice.

The 11th was the anniversary of MLFN's death. I think it was 2009. Was thinking about that riding the creaking old Black Blue Norcross CX bike that is acting as a road bike this morning. I got that in 2009. 

Changes and shit.

Fuck.

This was good, had a minute to wait for a student for a meeting and watched this:

Good stuff. 

Gotta get a handle on this shit around me. Need to anchor and stabilize and hold on until the tide changes.

Just trying to keep my head above water till then.

Heddwch
G

okay it isn't great

 I had to jump out of the Rancid lane for a few minutes.

Clicked on the playlist starting with Sean Rowes "To Leave Something behind" Never a good plan for me, that song alone sends me off the deep end.. but then a song I haven't heard in a while...

No Hard Feelings.

Avett Brothers...

yeah... that one...

fuck

Then I thought lemme dig into this song a little deeper:
https://atticusreview.org/no-hard-feelings/

Maybe shouldn't have read that just now...

The rest of the playlist isn't helping so i suppose I should turn it off. take a walk around the block to reset.

take a walk in the smoky air.

I'm still here.

I wonder if I'll get to being able to process my own grief before I create grief for who ever is left to care about me when I finally take that last breath, will I be able to breath out one last breath with no hard feelings? 

I hope so.

Hug your loved ones.
G

playlist link...  for the hell of it

If the smoke clears

 I dunno folks...  shit's a bit... well... fucked

I have a kind of wave of emotions going on, ON TOP of everything from the last post.

Yesterday was good, other than the driving. 

Today? Kid raced, underperformed or everyone else is just better or something, they should have been much higher placed than they wound up, but then that's why you race. But they made it to the A/B finals and still have a chance of making the grand finals. So fingers crossed tomorrow is better.

Alright - back to dealing with way more than I can handle. 

If you're looking for me I might be hiding from it all under my desk.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

Fucking emotional

 the youngest graduating...

moments like driving away and having her realize we didn't get any photos of just her, and that's crushing because I feel responsible for not trying to make it happen or thinking about it we were all just flowing from one moment to another, group to group, but no moment of just her...

emotions...

Fuck, I cried in the car driving with her from the awards brunch to trader joes..

crying thinking about it again..

this is really really tough..

add the whole layer of emotions of never dealing with the grief from the passing of my father and I'm one word away from waterworks, constantly. every moment.

And while my mileage in May sucks, I at least managed 30 hrs on the bike and only 30 hrs in other ground transport. Not great on the first, okay with the second, esp since a lot of it was trains.

I don't know really... it was good laughing, distracting and I should have done a few other things instead of laughing my ass off. 

I got up super early yesterday to drive kid to her last practice on the Seekonk. last one. So many lasts. I didn't bring a jacket, had planned to take a film photo of them launching and then sitting in the car reading. Got out there and her coach offered a ride in the launch, L's bow seat offered me a sweatshirt to wear on the launch and well I put a lifejacket on (new RI rules) and freezed my ass off taking photos and videos of her last formal row on the river. I'm sure she'll be back on the water for events or other things, but today she gets on a plane to Florida to race Nationals, then comes back, is home for a day or two and then goes to National selection camp.

She's all grown up but still my little one, she's leaving and I'm an emotional wreck at the best of times and these aren't, for me. I'm not headed to florida, i'm hanging out, the oldest has a birthday this weekend so I'm hanging out here and dealing with work and kind of now hoping she makes the big team. 

I don't really know what to say, how to exercise this emotion out of my head. 

Struggling.

But...

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

sigh

heddwch
G

haven't laughed this hard in a while

 Thanks Stevil.

curious about what it says

 That I think this music video is just fucking masterfully filmed and choreographed?

Not quite enough time to day to start scanning early. Perhaps the 10am will be quick and I can make it up and start the process. This next roll is the first of the Seattle trip. 

Definitely weird head space lately. Emotionally too. I have to keep my shit together and also be as supportive and empathic and delicately encouraging in a way that is NOT easy for me, outside the job, the job is okay but it is mentally exhausting and THAT translates to physically exhausting no matter how you slice it or try to deny it. 

It is a lot.

But it is also the birthday of the one who wisely said (maybe before they turned 30, and at that point they were way wiser than I am now) "The choices you make" 

Happy Birthday Little Fury.

Heddwch
G

unexpected

I don't always watch movies mid week but sometimes we do and usually they get split up. Somehow I latched on to the accountant. We started it yesterday.

Finished tonight. And the instant Sean Lowe started singing I lost it. Subtly on the outside but very significantly on the inside. 

Nah didn't have much to do with the film, but maybe a little. More to do with the lyrics and listening to them, in refection about my dad. About life. Leaving something behind. 

The lyrics are just so good. I think so. You night think they are garage or trite or whatever. But to me. They've good some heavy meaning. That and I listen to it over and over. 

It's been a tough couple days. Today was ok, but it also wasn't great. I did get one roll scanned. Two to go. We'll see if I can get through them tomorrow, or at least one. Maybe start prepping a few to share. Goal is always to edit as little as possible, and while I'm not scanning them at the max pixel density, it's still nearly 100MB each. A bit large for social media. Plus I gotta get that white border around it.

Might need to print a few and mail them to the folks in the west. I'm not ready to set up the enlarger and get into the whole paper side of things.

It's a big weekend coming up. Constant reminder of the stress five years ago that drove me to my last and maybe biggest bender, longest one at least. I doubt I'd be alive today if I hadn't stopped drinking. Biggest odds would have been going the way Robin Williams or Anthony Bourdain... Next, almost that but unintentionally. I don't think about that much anyone. Part of not doing the what if game.. usually that's played with regrets and missed opportunities. It's easier not to what if the demonstratively very few good choices. And to think, it took sobering up to finally get a modern MTB. So glad I did 

I suppose, given how little coffee I've had today that I should go to sleep. The morning will be here soon and there's a hell of a lot to do tomorrow. Kind of hungry tho. But then I ate too much yesterday thinking I was going to do smackdown. 

Alright, be kind, do some good, be nice to people. You know. Don't be a dickhead.

Listen to Frank Turner.

And always sing along when you know the words.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch

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missed it today

Smackdown that is. The smoke was insane mid-day, it was really bad, a concentrated pocket of bad air from the Canadian fires. 

I was also just not quite feeling it, tired? Mentally more than anything. Fighting a bit internally?

Finished King's Running Man. Absolutely fabulous, ridiculously indulgently good. 

Then in a moment of, let's totally wreck myself, I watched Enders game finally. Read the book a long time ago, the characters were nothing like they were in my head. And the ending is always tough, book or film.

Bonus of skipping smackdown was that instead of riding to get dinner finished before riding, I had time. So I watched. I def ate too much today but also... *Shrug*

I started the day with coffee then film developing. Three rolls. One that I finished the day I left. Last few frames walking around. Two that I shot in Seattle.

The processing for the Arista is great. I did the roll of Kentmere 400 and the emulsion doesn't seem to like the washing, too long maybe? Not sure. But now that it's dry it seems fine. Wondering if that's an Illford characteristic or that film specifically. Guess I should buy some HP5 to compare. I should load up the roll of JCH, take a walk while down at ship street tomorrow. And order the batteries for the new acquisition, the only other Leica not made by Leica. The one is the R3 I have that's now working, and this one is the other camera that Minolta made the CL. Based on the logos it was the first run. Based on the condition I don't think it was used much. Still has the original Varta 1.35V weird shaped battery. Unlike the battery for the Pentax, this one is still available, unlike the Pentax, this light meter circuit only works with 1.35V. 

I've built a massive pile of film links that are open on the phone. I need to do a link dump and purge. It's mostly photography stuff. But I'm digging it.

Had two really good back to back rides in the woods this weekend. Nothing to fast or hard, but good and fun and solid. On the shifty squishy bike both days too save the legs for today, needlessly. I realized I still ride the shifty bike like the singlespeed. Out of the saddle, lower cadence, infrequently shifting. 

Was cooking dinner, got thinking about me and cooking for the kids, and thinking about the recipe drift over time. What did the old stuff taste like compared to this?

Been thinking allot about death, and the finality, and all sorts of redacted stuff. Yeah, I backspaced quite a bit. IYKYK.

The air certainly has cleared up. Doesn't smell like fires any more. I guess I should have just gone to the ride. 

Too contemplative today, too mellow. A vacation day at home. Laundry, film developing, shopping trip for things I forgot to get this weekend, finished a book and watched a movie. Drank less coffee than usual. That stuff is getting expensive. Up $5/bag in 3 years. 

It's a pretty perfect evening. I should have gone out for smackdown, but I didn't. I'll pretend I'm ramping it up after the week off. Easing back into the intensity. Sounds plausible and deliberate, right?

Amor Fati Motherfuckers 

Heddwch

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once again

Travel covered all the modes.

It was a hectic mess trying to get out though. Super hectic.

Left in a rush. Cut down the backpack contents even more at the office, still a bit full.

Ran/walked down the hill to the train, bought a ticket, walked down on to the train. It was fucking roasting hot in there and after the effort to get on I was sweating. Then Brent and his wife got on and we traveled together from the through security. Good chat and catch up with them on the train.

Trying to buy a Charlie Ticket was annoying. I should get the app or card or something maybe. Took four? tries.

Then the SL1 bus took forever to get there. And was absolutely packed with everyone waiting. Then traffic, of course. Security was a breeze. Shoes got left on, the guy on the one end was grumpy about me asking to hand screen 400 speed film but he handed it off and the guy doing the screening was cool and happy to do it.

Walked in opposite directions from Brent at that point and early. But the next train would have been too close.

Almost the last person to board the plane, row 15 middle seat, Brown student next to me really small guy on the aisle. It wasn't terrible. I was too tired to read my book, but couldn't sleep. Played in the phone for a while, then watched some TV with CC because I forgot to pack a set of 3.5mm headphones, then watched a movie that didn't have CC. And sometime around there the plane started getting really warm. That little air nozzle not doing much. And then we were so early we had to sit on the plane for 30-40 min waiting for our gate to open. Then a long trek to the arrivals pickup that was absolutely jammed full, then up to departures that wasn't and hopped in and headed here to my Sister's place.

Felt like I was sleeping in, birds going, light out, but no, wasn't that early but headache was starting and I needed coffee. So I got up, and am sitting outside about ready to go on and make cup number 3.

Was a crazy day. Now I'm here. I have a hitch to install on their Mach E at some point, and the nieces and my sister to hang out with whenever they wake up.

Going to be an interesting and I'm guessing emotional week. But I did pack the film camera and I'm hoping to get some shots of family at least.

Time for more coffee

Heddwch

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Well now

 I have fallen off the writing wagon. Or if you want to be more trendy, my ASD is focused somewhere else and putting words down isn't a priority.

Flying tomorrow.

Trying to strike the balance between wanting to fly out there like Reacher and packing enough to not need to bother with anyone or laundry.

Camera? Def no computer but that means it is going to be really tough to try and read assignments and submit grades. Maybe I can borrow a computer for a few minutes. Book? To read? Maybe I have a pile of them but do I carry it? Is there room?

I think bringing the film camera is a thing, but totally waffling on bringing the 28 for landscapes or the 50 for people...  going to see people so maybe the 50. If I had the K3 Mark III with the 16-50 I wouldn't need to pick. But I don't yet. But I'm still now currently wondering if I just buy a second camera, color and monochrome. I think i might have mentioned that already. Paris and all. If that happens. It is just money right?

And then things blew up. As in where did the last two hours go? 

Time for smackdown. I know, I should go home but L and K are rowing and I'll get home just after or at the same time if I do smackdown and i'm facing a week off the bike so why not add some stress just before taking a 'break'

It'll be nuts but it'll hopefully be good and it will be worth it. In spite of all the important shit I'm going to miss.

All that hurry up and now it isn't time to leave yet. 

Well guess what.

I keep thinking back. Back to the heyday, when I had just enough responsibility but not too much. It was a phrase or a state of being someone coined back in the Forum days. We had time, but we also were productive and got shit done. And slowly. 

Slowly.

the creep...

responsibility creeps... obligations... at that point I thought it was more of a specific job description kind of label. Those with no responsibility were just doing the churning, washing dishes, cooking, wrenching, doing stuff that you had to be doing stuff, not supporting and fixing and managing and all that...oh well such is the way of life.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers!

heddwch
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Reflecting and the week

 Cleaned my office a bit last night and today. Visitor is always a good motivation but then the visit sometimes means more to me than them. At least my office is clean now.

Taking photos, a few, here and there. Not as many as I'd like. I have too much film for as few photos as I'm taking.

Would love to travel with the camera but I need to go light, need to take a full on break from everything, even though the week will be as crazy as it can be. 

Packing everything in before leaving.

Not to mention so much more extra to deal with on top of it all.

This weird space, strange place.

A good place maybe. But not totally. 

May have international travel for the first time in decades (not counting Canada) and part of that has me wondering and hoping the new Pentax i ordered shows up before then, and then that has me wondering if I shouldn't just buy a color version and the other lens. 16-50 and a 50-300 with the PLM focus motor with a color back and a monochrome back? Kind of insane to think about doing that, esp since I'm not a pro photographer. 

At some point I meant to write up smackdown. It has been a bit of a shit show lately. Wasn't feeling terrible, and planned on just hanging in and surfing wheels. And did that for the most part. Then we rolled up on a crash from the A group. Wheels overlapped and someone wrecked some clothing and busted a helmet. 40 people were all packed on Pine, a narrow road with bad sightlines and nearly edge to edge. 

Things got sorted and the groups all took off. A group headed out, B group grew with folks who didn't want to have anything to do with the A group anymore and well pretty soon there were three evenly spaced groups, A, 'B' and then Justin me and a pile of people who weren't quite ready to go apeshit. We got up and Burke was dangling and Justin and another along with me looked back and started kind of waiting but the group started going faster and Justin and the other took off to jump in, I waited for Burke and then set a brutal pace and dragged him all the way back to the group, got there just before Rocky Hill, totally cracked. Breathing had just barely recorvered when we made the turn on to Rocky Hill and I got a little gapped there going up, Burke made the transition and I started riding solo. Again.

But I did, I could see them, some of them and I put my head down and just held a pace. Pushed it, hard. No one to draft, just me. Caught a straggler towards the end of Carpenter, caught Kelli and ? and Burke after the turn, and I paused for a minute, sat on burke's wheel and then went to the front to keep chasing, A car on perryville slowed the chase a little and we lost sight of them.

But i wasn't giving up and I kept it pegged...  Burke came around and gave me a breather until we made the right turn and I went by him there and dropped him before hillside and was alone passing milo headed to Jacob/Broad. made the right turn, saw a few up there, caught Ben from Ride July bikes, and kept pushing it, saw some blinky lights way up Prospect and just kept the hammer down.

For most of this I kept hearing Aimee and Kevin singing Jeff Buckley's Halleluiah at the show on Sunday night, and at one point, I kind of felt Mark, have been reflecting on loss, death, cancer, a student of mine is working on GBM research, an almost student put on a performance about TBI and death...

And at some point, it clicked again, but in a way that made more sense and gave me more energy. The way Mark literally rode every smackdown that spring, like each one was going to be his last, until the one that was, was, and like every other one he was on, he crushed it. And I pushed the pedals harder, kept the HR higher, found some weird new source of energy. 

A recognition that one ride, at some point, will me my last. I don't know how long I can hold on to it, but hoping I don't let go of it, not because it isn't true but becuase it is powerful and motivating. Relishing the slow relaxed rides, the woods, fast or slow, smackdown, with the group or alone chasing. 

It feels very fatalistic, and is I suppose but I now understand a bit more behind what drove him and his energy and joy in everything he did.  

I didn't quite catch the group, but I got to 152 before they left and just behind the stragglers that they dropped. I passed and dropped a handful of people chasing, worked harder than I had on the bike in a while and felt good.

On top of it all I actually slept pretty okay given how hard I worked. So that's a nice sign that I'm getting used to the load and can go hard. But kind of not sure what to do, goal race was 24HOGG again, but I guess that probably won't happen if I'm in Paris, but that's not certain yet. Maybe I should race a MTB even. Kind of still want a road bike but hey whatever the one i'm riding works. Maybe i just need some decent wheels that didn't come out of a garbage bin.

I was going to leave the office early today. 

It is still earlier than normal if I leave soon but no where near early enough. 

The weekend starts soon. Best get at it and home and start doing everything that needs to be done.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

that was awesome

Good spot, never gave it up, didn't move until the show ended. Danced in place. Got a pin from the Interrupters (everyone along the barrier).

Good plan to drive, free parking and the show didn't end until 11:10. Walked to the car, in the rain. Was home at 12:24. Saw the commuter rail along the highway just before PVD. Of I had taken the train I would have had to miss half of the FT set, and still would have gotten home even later.

And didn't have to talk to anyone, didn't have to accommodate our worry about them.

And the show was just absolutely fucking awesome.

So worth it.

So good.

I'm tired tho. 

Heddwch

G

going to a show alone

Just like last time. But now with a more legit parking spot not a resident permit spot.

Kid is going to try and sell the ticket I'm holding up the barrier at stage right. Being right in the front is great but the side without obstruction is pretty ok. Now to see if I can survive camped out here standing for the next few hours. 

Going to a show solo kind of sucks when it comes time to go to the bathroom, or get something to drink, but hey, I spent a week asking people, no dice. It's what it is. Just money and just me doing me things alone. 

At least I don't have to talk to anyone.

Funny thing is NU graduation is going on right now next door. We were all up here this time last year. Fortunately I got in before they let out. Surprised I found a parking spot.

Been a long day. Not sure I had enough food or water but I've got both in the car and of it really comes down to it there's stuff here.

I'm looking up kind of jealous at the chairs upstairs. Maybe I should have paid for a seat. Not that anyone sits down for these shows. Would have made the next hour more tolerable.

Well my phone's going to die before I get back to the car if I keep this up. Breast throw on extreme battery saver and go back to watching people.

Heddwch

G

friend list

 Call it the friend test for the list.

So, lets say you have an extra ticket for a concert... your wife absolutely does NOT want to go, the person you bought the ticket for (your oldest kid who didn't want you to go to the show alone and to see one of the opening bands agreed to go, then went to the other coast because the ticket was purchased in fucking december) is out of town.

I have two tickets to the Frank Tuner/Interrupters show at the MGM at Fenway on Sunday night. Tickets on the floor... and I'm not even sure who would want to go, no idea who to ask...

It is a pretty lonely feeling, but then if I come up with a name my brain starts planning for the worst thinking this is going to be too late notice and they already have plans or don't want to see these guys.

some shouty english quazi folk/punk/rock guy with fans who know all the words to his songs, and one of the hottest post punk/ska (4th wave?) bands, fans also know all the words to the songs... 

On a Sunday night in boston. Would be great to take the commuter rail up but show probably goes too late to catch a train back to PVD (I've looked, schedule is super tight and might have to leave early and don't want to do that)...

I figured if I try to write it out on 'paper' maybe I'll be more of a don't give a shit and just ask...  maybe i should just blast if on IG... IDK

Rode the SSMTB on Friday morning (left lever is oily, i think one of the seals somehow got messed up, no idea) weather was awesome but I was tired. Saturday alone with the dog so I left later after watching L race live out in Saratoga and went to the shop, did some stuff, but not enough. Too fucking tired. Mentally and physcially. Sunday rained so I just watched L race and then went shopping.

May is lining up to be a mess esp with the trip to Seattle, and everything everyone needs me to do. at least the bulk of the course is done and it is just the students doing the talking/presentations now.

Need to make some coffee... 

Oh hey, anyone somewhere between here and Boston want to go to the show? I'll drive.

heddwch

G

found something

 Well... i dunno if I found it. 

But lets walk back to last tuesday. Took the old Concor off, a 90s vintage one, taped up nose, worn out corners, stuff just wearing out. Taylor gave me a bag of old ones and in there was a cool black and while logo Concor. Looks good on the Black and white Blue that I've been riding as a road bike.

Swapped it. Straight up just took the old one off, put the new one on.

Road it all week like that. Back felt kind of weird at the end of the week.

Check the saddle height. I thought pretty carefully, read the tape correctly, looks like it was 5mm high. So I rode to work yesterday, then dropped it at work (was running late, forgot about an service engineer's planned visit - he was a no show - other emergency system visit for a down tool, ours was working so lower priority, fine, not a bit deal). 

Rode home and I haven't slept so poorly in ages. My glute on both sides was fucked up and in pain. Almsot got up and stretched and rolled in the middle of the night but I was too tired. Did that in the morning and it helped. Then really got in and close. Checked a few bikes. 

I fucked it up somehow. Needed to drop it another 10cm. So it turns out this Concor is 15 mm taller than the old one. 

Funny that a full 15 mm didn't really cause any issue, or mostly just a minor one. But going to 10 mm high cause MASSIVE pain (after the fact). 

But now I think i managed to acutally measure it properly and get it right and it feels right, low but right, and it is still a couple MM taller than the MTB, but that has a dropper and is much more dynamic, but also is the 24hr seat height so maybe I need to go even lower? 

It seems there's more forgiveness with the drop bars than the flat bars in terms of angle (makes sense with all the different hand positions), but got me wondering if there's an exclusion zone of sorts in the middle. It is okay above a certain point and below a certain point. The odd thing is above usually causes knee issues, but my knees have been better than ever so maybe another week at the high mark might have started to cause problems.

oh and when i dropped it yesterday it didn't want to move, at all. Not good. Took it out this morning, scrapped a bunch of aluminum oxide off the post, put some grease on it and in the seat tube and put it back together.

Remember folks. Annually remove you seatposts from the bike and put more grease in there. Esp carbon posts and frames. There can be so much friction in the carbon that the resin melts and basically glues itself together. AKA you're never getting it out. 

ANYway. I managed to catch up on some of the sleep deficit this weekend... only to slip back in the hole last night. We'll see how smackdown goes tonight.

heddwch
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