deep space, can you hear me?

drifting like major tom...

feeling at least,

i'm pretty fucking exhausted after the last couple days...

today wasn't much better, or was significantly worse...

i'm aware of my blessings, but somehow cursed with the awareness of my shortcomings and failings...  guess which carry more weight in my being?

could have been okay if first thing I heard today was "Happy Birthday" but no I heard "can you make me an omelette pocket?" yes of course...  i can and will and...  not trying to martyr but just being open and honest

maybe too honest, and maybe I shouldn't say that today would have been perfect if i'd heard the greetings sometime before i left for the retreat. Sometime before BG texted me in the late morning.

Yeah, everyone else had big things going on, first day of 7th grade and all...  and that's awesome, I def don't want to take anything away from that.

but i'm fucking exhausted and still awake (been up since 5 am it is closer to 11 pm than I would like) .

my oldest did make a wonderful dinner, with significant consultation help from me though, but i respect the fact that one must ask those who know when you don't...  it was very satisfying.

i shut down my FB wall, didn't want people posting there, granted it is usually one or two but they all know how to contact me off of FB so let them.

I got a wonderful email from TD today, helpful, and positive and good...  def was what kept the scales from tipping wildly out of balance... that and the beer at lunch perhaps...  and the sheer exhaustion preventing me from being able to even emotionally give much more than a tiny shit.

where to go?

forward, ever forward, never straight....

the next good number of days are going to be tough,

but hey, not like the last 9-20 months have been easy...  should be a piece of cake.

yeah, sorry TD, I know, I know, i'm blessed, i've been gifted the choicest of all, but the white guilt, the awareness of the success of my peer group relative to me (shit they all have fancy cars, some even have a cabin) i know i'm happy with the choices I've made, i can live with them in peace but doesn't reduce my awareness...

stupidly negative for today, so totally just hands in the air like we don't care at this point...

even the TSP gang overlooked it....

all i can be thankful for is that I'm not drinking more than a sixpack tonight, and there's two left. I'd crush them but tired, finding odd restraint. Not sure who I am anymore.

best of luck to you all...  i'm going to do what I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other, content with being ignored, 40+ yrs of experience is helpful in that regard.... life...

it is what we have and is all we've got....

peace,
but i like it in welsh so much better:
heddwch,
G

Why still awake

I feel an odd ethereal detachment. Tired but not sleepy.

Strange.

Smackdown was equally confusing did not expect to make the first group. Despite the five pints of Foolproof farm house ale at the retreat, and then neglecting to bring a water bottle, some how I survived.

Perhaps I'll have time to work tomorrow.

Now thinking, well maybe I should sleep.
Tomorrow I break the streak. I break it not for love or money or sex but for work and to continue another streak.

But damn, I have to wake up really early and get moving sooner than I like. I just hope it is done raining when it is time to ride. We need the rain, weeks without may be fine for me, not so much for the plants. But still riding to a new venue, not showing up like a drowned rat would be good.

Heddwch
G

So... GeWilli bought a new bike

Finally.

So much busted shit. Last NEW bike was 2010 or so with the purchase of the big white blue frame for $390. And that was just a frame. It fit but it was heavy and i'm down a crankset and a wheel set and it doesn't single speed well.

Sure, yes I bought that Orange Surly 1x1 from Derek last year. Best $300 i've spent. But it is legit 40# right now and while it drives like a dream, don't try and lift it up. Also is currently ensconced in full fenders and the rear brake has to be taken off just to change the wheel/tires/freewheel. I love that bike, my commute is pretty damn perfect for a single speed. Disc brakes and fenders and Schwalbe Marathon Plus and I'm happy as can be.

As a SSCX (singlespeed cyclocross) race bike? It could be better.

Well there's this company who made a bike for Stan Nice to race the SSXCWC last year. They put that frame into production in 2018. Singlespeed w/o eccentric BB, singlespeed with sliding flatmount Disc brakes. So it is aluminum and is heavier than carbon but, meh, they haven't put the stranglehold dropouts on the carbon CX bike, yet.

I've been looking, urged on by E "you've worked so much more this year at the bike shop, you really should get a new bike." This is the truth, the first saturday I haven't built a single bike since???? was yesterday.

Okay so a Trek Crockett Disc it is. Boom. I was looking at the Crockett 7, but I don't like SRAM, won't ride it, but thinking Force could be easily sold off and i could make it mine. Started looking at Brake options and was thinking cable, and well Flatmount you've got Spyers and whatelse? Not sure, but Spyres are nice, work. and the BB7 aren't avail as flatmount yet (could use same pads on both bikes)....  And it turns out I can run XT cranks (180 baby) on that bike.....  BOOM. Done.

So I start looking at the Crockett Frameset, not so bad priced, add some Paradigm Elite wheels (DT240 internals 12mm thru axles) and I can make it work easy enough.

Turns out though, those two together cost more than the Crockett 5 Disc. The Crockett 5 Disc is the same frame as the 7 and the F/S. But comes with, guess what, Spyre disc brakes but really shitty TLR wheels. But hey, fuck that? So what. I'll get nice wheels next year. But Frameset and wheels were ready to ship now. Crockett 5 disc was available on Backorder.  So I waited until I could check ship dates at the shop. September 11th earliest ship date.  Hell that's soon enough.

So I ordered this: https://www.trekbikes.com/us/en_US/bikes/road-bikes/cyclocross-bikes/crockett/crockett-5-disc/p/2484000-2018/?colorCode=black_green  not keen on the sprintmint but maybe some orange vinyl will help with that. I'll find a home for the Rival 1 group, toss on some hoods, the XT crank and BB and a SS cog conversion and we'll be rolling.

I agonized over this for a long time. Waiting for the 2018 with the strangelhold dropout to come out. Hell I almost bought a Stache instead, it has strangle hold and i could toss drop bars on it and have both a CX bike and a 29r+ MTB. but...  well I didn't.

Will I race it? maybe. Maybe not. Will i ride it? HELL YEAH MAN. can't wait.

So yeah...  GeWilli bought a new bike...  thru axles and disc brakes...  can't wait.

heddwch
G

smackdown

i changed up a variable, Leland had to keep under a certain wattage...

it wasn't the worst, about the same as last week, a touch faster maybe, hurt way less. Progress? Consistency?

Coming around? Maybe. Too close to tell, but trying to make stuff happen. Working? We'll see.

It was funny, we were rolling out, three of us, Kurt, Syl and myself. Two kids on raleigh fixed gear bikes actually showed up. They were all fire and energy until we turned onto Woodward, Leland bumped the pace up to about 24 or so and they were gone by the turn on to prospect. we worked together pretty well over a bit. On Pine Syl or Kurt jumped a bit and Leland kept his watts low and I hung on his wheel, not easy for me but i was not alone, we caught the other two at Homestead, then went into Rocky Hill. We crested pretty close together, Kurt's knee was a bit wonky so he took it easy at the finish of Rocky and I waited and we cruised over to hillside and he kicked my ass. But we found the other two before Reed and rode back together.

Nice hard pace on Walker, I was last wheel, working, then Leland attacked the finish, I could tell he was just trying to do a high cadence sprint workout but fuck it,,,  i sprinted too, 44x11 at a peak 109 RPM, I was comfortable at that cadence, felt good to spike the HR that high, took a while to recover. But coming around.

The ride home into the wind was mitigated by the fact that it shifted a bit.

But Smackdown was not so terrible.

Not sure next week will work timing wise but we'll see when the department retreat I'm giving a talk at finished. May be in time.

And no Birthday ride for me this year. Streaks are meant to be broken.

But another post soon, about something else, will take a bit to explain, but short preview: I ordered a new bike.

heddwch
G

Aero is faster than Cannibal

That's kind of an obvious statement.

How much faster? maybe a minute for me.

I felt much faster last night, more streamlined, definitely could feel the reduction in drag on that bike. Heavier it is indeed but it rolls well and I've done a few TTs on it.

I have 14 strava efforts on this course. The first effort was 18:57 from 2012, the day after we rode to Woods Hole and back. Using borrowed Garmin.

Then the next pile of progressions were in 2013. Did it once in 2015, Prov Velo decided to bandit last year, I made three of those. and then I made three this year. First two were on the slow bike, the old cross bike. I mean holy crap slow, but the effort was there and I pushed myself.

Last night, pre-race prep def not like 2013. No ritual Bagel Gourmet steak burrito, and I probably did a bit to hinder my time but maybe not. Times are kind of how I would expect them to be even without anything screwed up that day.

I'm there and well, there were a couple carrots. First up the bike. the helmet, the rest of the gear. There's an undeniable mental boost using that crap.

Second, I'm starting behind Ciril again, and he brought Pizza, that he made, for us to eat at the end. I CAN PEDAL FOR PIZZA...  only better carrot would have been beer.

I felt pretty good, but also it hurt but I was totally comfortable in that tuck, tip of the Giro teardrop helmet firmly and always in contact with my spine, shifting to the nose of the saddle, trying to keep the cadence in the mid to high 90s range, grinding it out only now and again for a shift of pace.

hitting Reynolds I almost thought I caught a glimpse of a jersey up in the distance? What? NO WAY.

Hello motivation. I pushed it hard on reynolds, yet still watched my avg speed drop... but just before crossing back under the powerlines I applied some torque then with that speed boost jumped back up to a higher cadence and worked the next section, took a breather through the slight downhill into the left hander and attacked into Peck, absolutely drilled it up Peck (see HR)...  actually that's kind of cool, looking at the HR chart for the TT I can tell you exactly why the HR went down each time it did, the stretch before Reynolds, I think I had eased off a tiny bit in prep or thinking about the turn.

So I nuke it up Peck, out of the saddle initially then back in the bars on the nose of the saddle driving up the hill. Crest it and crank the speed up and Coast...  recover... settle...  and yeah that's someone up there but they don't look like they are on an aero bike (Ciril is) too high up...  Oh well, still someone to catch. But at that point once I was done with the moment of coasting and speed dropped a bit I left it in the 53x11 and just fucking pushed it as hard as I could. I think i yelled at my legs and just dug deeeeeeep.

Sure enough I could see the Golden Monkey Victory beer jersey Ciril was wearing. I used to love GM, now i get queasy when i take a sip.

I'm pouring everything into it and holy shit he's turning we're almost done? FUCKING TIME TO GO, I launch out of that last turn, perfect turn no brakes, no cars, perfect apex, pedal through it and then Attack, out of the saddle full sprint accelerating all the way to the line. I passed him before the cemetery started and cleared the line first.

Give me someone to sprint and something happens, i find extra stuff I didn't know I had.... took me a long time before I could talk again, much less stumble around well enough. to find some water.

We ate pizza, i found out i had broken the 20 min mark, won a couple things in the raffle, just getting ready to go and the PVD crew takes off. Garber leading the charge with his E-bike. I had hoped to ride back with a group.

I didn't have my backpack on and when I did? They were gone.

Long solo ride home. It was difficult. Legs were really tired. ever present was the kid who was killed the other day in riverside near my house. A close friend to one of the bikeworks guys.

I made it home safely, in the total pitch black darkness. and cracked a Mighty Squirrel Mocha Stout. I had a couple. And i think maybe there's more coffee in there than is good to have before bed. I didn't sleep well.

And tired coupled with sore legs made this morning's commute a bit tough. Fortunately I got here and the morning session was cancelled. So I had a chance to catch up, and now write.

I'm still feeling pretty slow, but there is some magic I feel on that course. I know those turns, the road, it is never boring racing it, same as it is, always was but still, for me, that familiarity feels like an advantage and I kind of like it. Even when I'm going slower. Maybe next year I can find that bit of speed again.

heddwch
G

kind of brilliant song

except need to swap AS for DT....

I think about this song every time Ahhhnold turns up on Facebook ranting against the idiots in office trying to gerrymander or dismiss global warming, or in the most recent case say nazis aren't bad.



wouldn't take much to re-write it for 2017

consistency

is not something that has happened here lately.

Haven't managed to sit down and write.

Kind of forcing it now but hey, it'll either work or not.

Last week I managed to get two rides in. Commuting counts but not the same. Tuesday last week was brutal, it hurt. Smackdown was a disaster. About the same as when Dave and Brent chilled and had a slow ride home with me. Last week it was Goldberg who kindly waited for me I was going so slowly up the hills. It was a disaster. And I had a bit of extra coffee just before the ride and it meant TOO MUCH COFFEE so my heart did a few weird things, IE 201, it felt weird. It kind of sucked. And every hill hurt like a motherfucker and my legs were screaming and it was rough. Sucked it up and headed to the TT after that on thursday and felt much better. Rode an OK time (21:00) left it all out there. And riding home was a disaster, couldn't go up hill. Caroline was happy to chill and Golberg waited and Ronan kept looping back. It was probably a frustrating ride home for them. Goldberg is confused though, if I am so much slower than he is riding on Smackdown and to and from the TT, how did I go faster in the TT? I dunno. Not a clue.

So, Tuesday rolled around again. Smackdown again.

I did the same thing, sat on the front, social chat until we got to Prospect. Sure, it delays the speed attack a bit, woodward isn't a highspeed drag race, but it is also the first stretch when we can double paceline w/o much traffic. Good time for forced socialization. Yeah me sitting on the front from the start to there is dumb. But we made the turn and I swung off and to the back and right on big Eian's wheel. Except, well, my HR was pegged just trying to stay in his draft. And I told Caroline that I'd fix her shifting if she showed up, even if only on a TT bike. She is totally new to the group riding thing and just sort of tagged along, but got gapped on Prospect so I delayed a tiny bit because last time she came out she got dropped and lost. Fuller sat up a bit as the big boys hit the gas hard on Jacob/Broad. and we pretty much rode together as a trio. Pushing it as hard as I could, which was much harder than the week before. But still no where close enough to hang with the fast guys like the old days.

The fast guys actually turned around and rode back and met us on Pine, but then they had a brutal attack on Read and I couldn't quite hang but then actually managed a wicked hard effort on Walker and we all joined back up again. Fuller got a bit gapped but managed to catch up before we turned onto King Phillip.

It was good. Headed back to the lab to get my shit and then rode home. A good long bit in the saddle. Haven't been sleeping as well as I would like lately. And while things are good, and pretty well balanced and managed, every once in a while something small perturbs the equilibrium and everything falls apart.

I am extremely grateful for what i have, for my friends, for my family and my health and current stability in most all things. But that goddamn spark plug is still giving me fits (no haven't touched it) and I still haven't had a day off since spending four hours of the day in the car in intense traffic.

But the weekends have been shorter work days, but a work day isn't a rest day and the list of shit I have to deal with is long, but not growing at an any more unmanageable rate.

We've pretty much finished up with all the intense work shit here. Got a couple projects that i need to work on but there's a ton of little things I need to make happen. BUT going to be chipping away a bit more slowly here. Pace myself a bit more.

Tonight is the final TT.  dug out the paramount, spent an hour this morning getting it ride-able. Haven't touched it since last summer's TTs, took the seatpost out to put in the big surly Singlespeed CX/Commuter.

but it is ready to go... mostly.

we'll see if i'm up to pedaling it much and we'll see how different the times wind up being between this bike and the black 'super not aero' blue. Def feeling more tired than usual. Not a good sign but hey, i'm still headed over there tonight.

maybe i'll even write about it sometime afterwards.

heddwch
G

Sorry for the lapse

It has been a tough week.

Not a bad week, but a very... challenging... week. Nothing like what my friends have to deal with, or some friends, or most friends,


but it hasn't been easy...

These dates, impact of dates and numbers are always there, 8/4...  such symmetry...

We made pesto tonight, youngest had a new cookbook so I honored the excitement and we made the recipe from that book.

it was pretty fucking delicious.

i added a few more garlic cloves than called for though, because garlic is awesome. And why not.

Also...

anyway, words I set out to write aren't flowing forward, but maybe sleep and another day of work before another week of work will help produce content...

heddwch
G

shy extroverted introvert

https://wizzhouse.com/an-extroverted-introvert-gives-14-real-life-examples-of-extroverted-introverts/

not great combo but explains much...

FB link...

FB triggered return to it... first PaulyB posted a twitter reply to Sachs, that fired up the response engine,

Then Myles posted about  "CX is coming" and well I said: "only CX for me we be with a wrench or a roll ot tape, lemme know if a racer/promoter needs either #hiredgun #doneracing"

further comments got this out of me: i'm just gonna be a hired gun or the drunk slow guy at the back of the SSCX races nearby RI this season... the more of the former means the less of the latter... although i'm pretty sure they are not going to be any overlaps.

then this: i could unjustly shift the blame, but it would only be to those who are making the excuses easier to make. I kind of expect to be back racing at some point, i don't see that point being anywhere w/in the next year tho.

Age group change totally completely removed any desire to line up for the Vittoria series this year. Completely.

That was the final straw in the wavering tower of jenga blocks i'm standing on.

Zero intensity and August is tomorrow. ZERO INTENSITY for MONTHS. The odd smackdown or TT (one of each in recent memory) does not make consistency. I'm slow. I can feel how out of shape I am. It is a weird and strange feeling.

I still love riding my bike, still love working on bikes. Love making them awesome for other people.

Love CX, but I'm kind of done racing for a bit. I realize how much i put into it with so little out. Nothing even close to 2013 season. Not even a race worthy of sweeping up after that season since.

Sure some of them were fun, the races, But I kind of felt better in the pits helping others than trying to flail and fail on my own recently.

I'd love to go to G-ster, but there's no goddamn way i'm signing up to race this year. Fuck. That. No. Way. September is a wash, most of October is hosed, first weekend in Nov? gone.  Zanc series has continued the shift north, adding more and more venues  further and further away, probably because that's where the venues are shifting...  and i haven't looked but I'd guess the final race in the series is, again for the ??? year going to happen when I'm not there...

and then January rolls around and everyone says fuck you all we're going home to bitch about the cold weather and snow until summer happens when we bitch about the heat and humidity.

IT WAS A GOOD EVENING...  woke up ready to go then slipped into the start of the day sucking, but not terrible, headed downhill from there then eventually turned about and got amazing and now back to .!..  ..!. for everyone

tomorrow is another day and we'll see if it the morning can deliver...

better start checking with the canadians that have hired me before...

maybe another CX wrench has too many clients and needs to hire someone else...

shrug, either way, we'll see what happens...

heddwch
G


HFS! late night realizations... at this rate my USAC license for 2018 may never get used... all that money ... wasted...

the creep of resurgence

Been a slow build this week.

A good build.

Referencing feeling positive and good and happy most of the time.

One lingering hook, snag, tether...  that tug from the unknown end of the line, what's on the other side of it and why is it pulling on me, best way to describe it I guess.

Asking the friend about a specific solution, was good - almost cut me free from that line that I know is attached to a really big truck tire at the bottom of the lake, but there are two lines, maybe figure out how to break free from that one helps with the other.

I'm messing with the fishing metaphor a bit, very plastic - being both on the rod side and the hook side at once. Makes sense in my mind but I see stuff in a matrix/fluid way more than normal, cryptic and confusing to others is clear to me.

The one current hook, odd.

But working to focus on the positive, that ground swell of feeling good. Talking to Tom was very helped, far more so than I could have expected, as I think I said already.

not quite enough food for lunch, but i'm not quite pedaling enough to justify eating more. Maybe I'll grab and extra beer on the way home to balance out day time calorie deficit.

This odd turn has been pleasant. And good.

Today things finally started to settle down a bit here, next week isn't looking great but at first glance still manageable. No TT last night, no smackdown on tuesday, maybe next week I'll make Smackdown. Won't be back in time from BOS/logan pickup in time for TT it looks like, but who knows maybe traffic will be less shitty than Tuesday.

Time to bust out of this place, head over to toss a few things together to get on the floor before Saturday, plenty to catch up on there.

Also I've taken to commuting more frequently in street clothes. Def not as cool and functional as bike stuff but it saves a bunch of time not having to change when I get to work. Not sure what that means though, have I slid down the rung of cyclists to just commuter? Looks that way from Strava. Back and forth back and forth...  all the same route, little diversity.

It is what it is though and it is kind of okay now.

heddwch

G

FINALLY

A day off...

that felt like a day off.

Slow start, running around in the AM, taking a nap, doing nothing. Drive to Logan, drop oldest off, talk to a friend I haven't in way too long.

It was good.

I don't even remember the traffic from BOS to PVD. There was a shit ton, but I was talking and just following the pokey slow car in the right lane all the way there.

Got some groceries...  didn't do work at either place, am relaxed, able to forget and push the burdens aside for a day.

It was good.

Need a bit more but am happy just for this brief moment.

Back at it tomorrow.

Oh and no smackdown. Just got home a bit ago. no pedaling today.

heddwch
g

before the good mojo turn around

that's why i'm tweaking the time line here. this was written after the FINALLY post but chronologically goes before it...

this:
http://providenceonline.com/stories/radio-silence,24147

completely fucking sucks. In the car I have WBRU on 100% of the time (except sundays). Radio in the house? WBRU.

Not new news but unfortunate and sad.

Also...
https://twitter.com/VittoriaSeries/status/889854400050716673

no more 45+

no more verge series. makes it even easier to walk away. I'll still show up if someone one needs to hire a mechanic for any race, but barring that I will likely stay home from that series this year. That with the Zanc series moving with a northern bias...

Gonna eat some salad and try and go to sleep early. tomorrow is gonna be a wee bit nuts.

heddwch
G

i was

going to write stuff tonight...

but decided in a mood to work no not being negative to say nothing...

because i have nothing positive to say

other than that atom there? it lost an electron, and it is positive....

reach out from far away as a reaction w/o seeing the lead up?

i'm sorry that my arms don't reach that far behind my back...

today was good not good...  mostly not good...

i work to help to add...

but i'm tired...

best thing about tonight is being out of beer....

and that's really not a good thing.

but it is what it is,

i took a snapshot with my phone and wrote a haiku about tonight...

click the instagram link if you wanna see that...

Maybe i'll ride again. Not doing smackdown tomorrow because i'm airport shuttle...

but the rest of the week is already booked solid meaning - no riding other than getting to work...

fun times...

6.9 miles at a time..

heddwch
G

And then, you talk to your mom

and the one person with all the answers has none...

not that i asked questions but laying it all out there, yeah what else to do?

is okay, I know it is all good and huge numbers of people benefit. Translating that into good headspace is the challenge, mostly because I think i can do more.

huge moment of clarity today working...

not sure it was a positive one but any fact that falls into place in the wall, boom that brick belongs, is recognizable as a solid acceptance...

talk about this one? Nope not here...  but at some point, maybe...

that's all...  got decent sleep last couple nights, means I'm sure as shit going to be tossing and turning tonight....

be well

heddwch
G

Saturday thinking

Saturday thinking…

It has been a long week. Fantastic amazing ending of the week, only to have it absolutely make a 180 degree turn.

But sometimes you need to swallow hard and be alone and let others do their thing.

And then my brothers called, let me know my dad smashed up his truck in Colorado Springs. But he’s okay. The mayor of the town he lives in will drive over to pick him up and them one of my brother’s is flying out to drive my dad back to CS to empty the truck.

Today I had planned to get to the shop early to get caught up. Woke up at 6:15, drank a bit of water, put an eye drop in…  and passed out, woke up at 8… made an effort to get up, only to wake up at 11am…  FUCK.

Barely made coffee before the lack of caffeine became critical. Got dressed and for the first time since the 16th…  got on the bike.

And I made an attempt at working. It sort of worked. I got through a handful of bikes. Honestly most of them were sold w/in a few minutes of building them. A couple were sold before.

I realized today that building bikes alone, in the basement, is very much like riding my bike alone, mile after mile. Thinking of everything. All the things and nothing. Instead of putting miles in my legs I’m making sure people’s bikes are quality for their legs.

working for others…  doing what I can do…  life….  

mine....

Turn a corner, run into a wall.

Frustrated at each turn. Relaxation? elusive…  

Moving from one crisis to another obligation, and moving forward, always…

Good couple times a day this past week, of course this week, people have asked “How’s the riding going? Must be getting in many miles lately? Had any long rides lately?” Each was a bit of  a twist of the knife. I mean I have a good answer, I’m burned out. Tired, stressed. Bikes are wanting for attention and repair. I’m busy..  and i am pretty much willing to facilitate everyone else, 

well i’ve had a lot of time alone. figuring things out…  not really for the better, but knowledge and recognition. Life… choices you've made and all that... 

slowly making progress in my brain, focusing on attempt to add …  not subtract…  

Movie tonight: “why does this hurt so much?” “because it is real.”

yup…

Tea is at four, don’t bother knocking…

might try this sleep thing soon…

heddwch

G

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody (Live At Wembley Stadium, Saturday 12 July 1986)

Master of your craft...  few almost no one will ever touch this level of mastery... #respect

played with timelapse

you can check the instagram link on the left, i won't bother giving a link because i'm sure most people here have seen it...

it was the second bike of the day, first was a test run.... I got slower as the day went on but still managed keep it in profitable range, still...  means just another day of work. Not so bad though, I had the 4th off. It is only the 16th. No so many days in a row, that said, i'm not sure if/when i'll have another day off. Off the bike? likely all week with schedule. Off work? nope. big fat extra nope.

But that's okay.

Gotta facilitate everyone else's vacations.

Emphasize everyone else.

Not bitter, resigned. Is okay.

It is life.

Will try timelapse again when I have something more exciting to build than an 820 or a Marlin 7. Maybe I'll try something at the other dungeon/basement/no window life.

Wasn't surprising that someone picked up on the basement. Couple people did.  Guess that's where the powers that be think I should be. Out of the way, quiet, hidden...  but like the snow piercer, without me everything would grind to a halt...

That said - basement is great, I can turn up music loud enough to drown out anything anyone is saying upstairs that might distract me and draw me in, and I have bikes next to me, and places to put them when they are built.

It is an optimal arrangement. Esp for being alone.

With everyone ghosting me, announced or unannounced, it isn't so bad being alone. Forces me to re-center. focus. Keeping going, one foot in front of the other.

E asked what bike I was going to buy with all this extra work I'm doing this summer. Nothing to buy. Emonda ALR6? would be dumb, wheels suck, might fit but still ALR and heavy compared to S or SL esp SLR, and '18 models are very different, cheaper and lighter, but not avail for employee purchase yet. Same for crocket. Get that with stranglehold? Sure why not! But default is with SRAM and sorry, love them (just not their wheel lacing pattern choices) but I'm a shimano guy and it doesn't look like that's a possibility....  Then what?

who knows....  Santa Cruz Stigmata? I'm making a few extra dollars, not a few extra thousand of dollars....

I did just retire the '09 Propel helmet. It is pretty dead. But replaced with that Lazer I got not so much longer after it. Leaving only the orange Giro at race level... maybe need to get another to balance/in case.

But Helmets aren't bikes...  man it would be so much easier if i wasn't on the far end of the bell curve....  The year my 63cm Klein Quantum Pro was made...they made 3-4 frames in that size. PERIOD. And I got one of them.

How crazy is that. First they had a commitment to keep making the bike size that fit Gary Klein, but that they did and sold it to a few people.. I waited a while for that frame.

It was pretty goddamn expensive. But right now, still probably weighs 2x as much as the Emonda ALR. even with the shitty stock wheels on the Trek.

Still currently, in the whats the point in getting a new bike. What am I gonna do with it?

Nothing.

One more beer than I'll go to bed and go to work tomorrow....  just like today, and the day before, and the day before and ....

heddwch
G

zen buddhist

kind of makes sense...

but not really, yes, go with the flow, calm when others aren't...

stupid quiz tho yo http://mydailyquizz.com/what-is-your-actual-religion-according-to-your-subconscious/

i think it, like every other quiz out there is bullshit....  not enough variables, not enough answers for each question...

what is my actual religion?

Life...  we have but one, this is it.

we're done? we're done.

What we leave behind, in interactions...  in legacy... in how we treat people...  or at least how we attempt to treat people...

I got up, had coffee, was building bikes by 8:30am, paused to do some shopping and collect youngest kid from hair cut appointment that went 45 min longer than expected because she has so much hair, and back to bike shop.

Work.

Tomorrow not likely to be much different.

Puts last day off as July 4th and that day I was so wrecked I could barely function and I'm running that battery really low.

Next week is gonna be a shit show for sure. Probably gonna be driving every day. Anxiety and everything freaked about about dinner on tuesday...  freaked out that between me and my oldest we're gonna rack up 30-40 on the bill and we're still gonna need to pay a couple hundred just to cover the four who've never ever wanted for anything....  I'm so freaked out and anxious i've started working on a bailout plan...  i don't have a plan yet but i'm working on it...  it would help if the weather is good and I can make smackdown and then somehow dramatically be so delayed that I can't join...

too much drama given the drama i'm going to walk into at work on Monday...  at least the bikes aren't dramatic. They are in boxes, i put them together. One after another. just over 20 in boxes, some priority but mostly just build em, till there are none left to build. Happened all the time in PVD. Hasn't happened once at EP. Also I realized, it is only 10-12 min longer to ride to the shop than drive. Def gonna ride tomorrow.

Today was the first day off the bike in a while too.

Tired. very much so.

I would be pretty lonely if not for web log outlet. And I'm not sure that's a good thing.

But man do I respond well to just being with myself, alone...

But then, i really really get tired of being alone...

Being alone in the basement, at work, both works.

Today I was thinking about vacation...  what would it take to actually take a break? It would take lifting an insane number of responsibilities....  it would take lifting all of the financial guilt of not doing anything and somehow would take a balance of others cooking for me but also cooking for myself.

AKA fucking mission impossible...

Maybe next year....

Zen, heddwch, peace, love, hugs...

def need more hugs, really really need more hugs, more contact, more physical connections, i need to be alone but the yin and yang are such that i need opposites equally, contact and isolation...  fuck up the balance and shit's weird.

It is strange getting to this point in your life and realizing what it is what works and what doesn't.

Deano texted me a shot of his Barrington Coffee Roasters's espresso from today...  memories of hundos past...

I have zero desire to ride a Hundo right now. Zero. Absolutely not anything I want to do. Negacoach was going on about Eddie B's book and training logs and everything and journals and I had the strongest aversion to it all. Fuck. That. Shit.

Don't get me wrong. I love riding. I love bikes. Bikes are pretty fucking awesome...

But maybe I've just burned out on the competitive side...  fuck that shit. My best effort, everything working perfectly, still mediocre.

No desire to try to just get close enough to reach the mendoza line from the below. That's even factoring that I have longer arms than most...

i better stop writing before I did a bigger hole...

gonna have some more salad, maybe a couple more beers...

try to relax before getting up and going to work tomorrow....

heddwch
G

left work

only to come home and start working again....

why? not sure...

it is 7:20pm on a Friday and I'm scheduling shit for the week of the 24th...

and i've been going insane working on everything....

huge gains, this morning i was fucking lit just from awesomeness of how well shit worked the way it should have...  that's a good thing btw.

now?

dejected, tired, still working...  making a "make it work" dinner from stuff we have laying around because I haven't been shopping in a week or more...  because I've been working...

and working...
and everyone is taking a vacation...

everyone...

except me...

I can't even fucking spend my birthday on my bike this year... which really isn't such a bad thing. After the last couple months I'm not sure I can survive spending a whole day on the bike anyway.

We're halfway through July and I'm currently scheduled until... hmm...  MAY 2018...

FUCK YEAH

not quite that far out but, knowing i'm booked through into September, and then demo and other shit that month means October, but October is prep for install of the new million dollar scope in November. And then we have trainings and use back up until december and then into January and then I start teaching again....

A sucker was born in late august in the early 70s i guess. Tough being a selfless asshole. On one hand you can't complain because you're an asshole but you feel exploited because you're too selfless. Fuck them Catch 22s.

time to find some analog entertainment.

and find some lucky stars to hope i can ride the bike at least once or twice next week....

today was so good, but it is amazing how precarious shit is, tiny defect in the support struts and a slight imbalance leads to massive collapse.

aka right now...

fuck this roller coaster week...

there were beers in the fridge...

were...

heddwch
g

(I should probably find something other than Frank Turner to listen to tonight... maybe i'll switch to John Prine...  wait that's just older but the same... fuck)

still working btw... all the while making dinner...  only to get the text "the two of us are getting burgers on the way home"

that's a good one...

#beerme (i'm out)

snowballed in a frozen wasteland

That's how the day was yesterday.

Started with the eye, built into the kit order stuff (which now was explained today as just a special order, only white kit only summer weight all because riding around here now it is nice to have that stuff).  And I agree. But I don't need it and do need some new kit and the wording on the original email was not clear enough or indicated it at all in anyway. So it soured the morning.

Struggled the rest of the day.

Today's been better, but I didn't want the TT to happen and not have anything other than the 40# SSCX 1x1 here, so I rode the black blue, slapped the clip on fender on it and grabbed the HRM and the new shoes (wore the rain shoes just in case).

And looking at the radar now? It doesn't look so good, but maybe it will all blow over before the TT start and we'll be able to do it?

I'm gonna get wet on the ride home, or I'll dance between the showers. but we're probably not going to be doing the TT.  Which is probably good, i don't think i'll be able to match last weeks time today. Maybe next week.


--

And TT is no go.

I should have ridden the single speed with the fenders after all.  But then if i had ridden that they'd probably hold the TT and i'd be grumpy at myself. Now I'll just be wet.

And I can dry off easy enough.

okay back to working on laser problems and everything else that has been stressfully piling up....

heddwch
G