Oh and another thing

 Feels very much impostor syndrome to have been asked to contribute an interview to this project, yet they felt it was worth sharing with everyone so, maybe I need to not worry too much and let it be okay.

Can't really do previews here? Maybe I can but fuck it, I'm too tired to.

It was fun answering those questions, going through and picking out some of my favorite shots. lotta of boston.

maybe i need to go back up for a photo walk one of these days. just take the day off and take cameras up on the train and wander, get lunch, just walk? maybe. i dunno i like that idea though.

https://halfframeday.wordpress.com/2025/07/20/meet-the-photographer-geoff-williams/

Give it a read if you want, it is short and the rest of the people interviewed are people I admire and draw inspiration from and look up to (or down on in person)

Shires

She's country, she's a fiddle player, she was married to Jason I... now divorced and somehow youtube popped this up in my algorithm in spite of me listening mostly to electronic mixes or watching MTB vidoes... 

No fiddle? but still good... 

And wanting to post this somewhere was what got me writing that last thing but I didn't want to put a video in there with all that.

So here it is

Looking back at the titles

 It kind of looks like shit's been kind of sideways for a while.

And, in reality it has. But it feels almost insignificant given the more ominous shit going on that hasn't quite fully impacted us yet. Is that why this long string of struggles and setbacks haven't buried me lately?

Then there is the Branch

 So another thing on Thursday. I noticed a branch sticking out over the roof while looking out the window upstairs at the roof to see all the stuff accumulating on the lower side. 

Went outside and looked up at the upper roof and holy shit there's an enormous branch that broke out of the neighbor's Norway Maple and it's resting on the house but mostly supported by being caught in the fork of another branch.

Problem is, first the broken end is 8-10" in diameter, second it is 30+ feet long from broken end to the roof, and somewhere close to 30 or so feet up in the air, and 6-8 feet away from the main trunk, IN our neighbor's yard and with the new fence right below it in the drop zone.

Got home Friday night, talked to neighbor, and then went up on the roof to inspect, almost zero damage, just two small dings in the shingle but didn't go through. There were a lot of small branches and they spread the weight out evenly. Ultimately I just started trimming, then was able to gently drop it down to the next roof and then finally it was hanging up above, in the tree.

Got up in the tree (27' ladder fully extended, then me climbing out of the ladder into the tree another 2-3' above the ladder and it was at eye level with me finally, so call it 35-38' up in the air. Managed to secure a loop of webbing around it anchored to the main trunk of the tree incase it decided to fall, at least it wouldn't crash down and smash stuff. It was f'n heavy.

Chainsawed and handsawed as much as I could to remove as much weight as possible, one kind of sketchy move had the chainsaw a wee bit closer to my face than comfortable but no injuries sustained, and left it for the night. Climbing up and down to the ladder in the dark is less scary than in the daylight btw. 

But holy shit i was wrecked after all that. Slept like crap partly because I got home and just started in on that on Friday and didn't stop till 9pm and skipped dinner. Ate a few things but not enough, slept like crap, tried to sleep in but that didn't work, went to get a pole saw, got back at it, eventually got it on the ground without damaging the fence or getting hurt in the process. Cut up the branch, filled the leaf barrels full and there's still another couple barrels worth full for yard waste pickup and wrapped up at 4pm totally wiped out. 

Then I went for a mt bike ride on Sunday, slept not great but better (thanks naproxen) and Wahoo battery was too dead to turn on so I didn't have actual HR data or the full distance, but wow was that hard, legs and arms and everything was just wrecked but it was good to be out there. And there's no giant branch on the roof still. But somehow I will be recovered for Smackdown tomorrow? I don't know how that's going to work. That said maybe not the worst to miss it. They are headed  back to the East Course. Last time they rode it the whole group got pulled over by the RPD because they kept running a stop sign and the neighbor has been calling and complaining every Tuesday since they put in the 4 way stop sign at the Rocky Hill/Homestead intersection. It used to be only stop signs on Rocky Hill, but now, well. This current group of cyclists are a bit leaderless and agro, people are citing the lack of racing and how fast everyone is and how they treat this like a race not a group ride and blah blah blah no one wants to attempt to reign them in or set some ground rules. It becomes a question of if I want to ride with them or not because of all this. That said there's a pretty good chance of rain tomorrow, and I'm not keen on riding in the rain on the road bike right now. Commute? no problem. Maybe the weather will make the choice for me tomorrow afternoon. It is also going to be hot AF again tomorrow. 

Tuesday are now the hot days? 

Well we'll see. Just gotta keep plugging along or something.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

And then it rained

 So, the heat broke! YAY

But then it rained, so no TT tonight. BOO

although maybe there's a few folks doing the TT, i'm not keen on riding all the way there on wet roads, racing and then heading back, even if I knew it was confirmed, but seems not to be confirmed and I'm staring at the radar and while maybe the clouds will break up and the rain will stop, it isn't looking likely and maybe if I think it is and go out it won't but if I say home and (I'm staying home) bail, it will part and leave the course dry.

I even made dinner so it would be made for those here at home. Back to not having the house to ourselves again. At least it wasn't a difficult decision on what to make tonight. 

It was 98 actual degrees F on Tuesday for smackdown, it was hot. I was okay but the hills kind of crushed me, and thanks to one of the Johnny's (the older one not the ex-pro) for hanging out with me. The a little younge than this Johnny was just ahead and I easily caught up on the downhill before Chepachet but he put the screws down on Tourletot hill and was going so much faster up that than I was. Must be nice to be 160 pounds instead of 235...  at least for going up hills on a bike.

The heat didn't really bother me, but may have been a factor trying to go harder on the hills. But I got a really good long ride in with some decent efforts and really felt it yesterday. And honestly probably am not recovered enough to ride well at the TT tonight. Even though it is 33 degrees cooler. THIRTY THREE!

That's just crazy,

But to be expected. And man I hope all this important shit some of these idiots think are superfluous can be brought back sooner than later and maybe better than before, but yeah, shit's not getting better is it.

Well, I did take today off so I'd be more rested for the TT, guess I'm just more rested. Will make tomorrow a little easier. 

And sounds like maybe no TT on the 3rd? That would be a bummer but it is what it is.

Remember:

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G 

Post script...  i guess it happened, the TT

should i have risked the wet ride there, well who knows. but i didn't and well here we are, both angry they didn't make the call when they said they would, and for missing it and not getting to ride it for two weeks.

Kind of warm out

 According to the pocket computer device with internet connection where ever I go so it can monitor me and sell me shit, the temp will be the highest in the last 14 years...

And smackdown is still happening. Because we're brutal masochists or just really not smart? Maybe both.

We'll see. I kind of want everyone to just bail on it so I can, but it is also good chance to level up on the heat adaptation.

When is too warm too warm? Not this in my book at least. But maybe i should change it?

One of the guys in the hall here has nicknamed my Madone "The Batmobile" and, yanno? he ain't wrong. it does look a bit batmobile ish. all flat black and aero and finned and sleek and shit

Then I sit on it. NOT SO AERO ARE YOU NOW

But it is going to be warm... and what's the heat w/o some Robin Williams

So i drink some more water, work on trying to get things running better, keep checking on the resin and hoping it cures soon, all the stuff at once, while sitting here thinking about other random stuff, wondering if i have the copy of Dirt Rag with Batty on the cover. The other periodical I subscribed to just as it closed down. Kind of like when I finally re-upped the sub to BIKE only to have it fold then restart as BETA then poof. Gone. Been doing this for a long time.

This writing here, this riding bikes in the heat.

Yesterday I walked outside and was immediately transported to Southern PG County MD circa 1981-1986 in August. And it was a good thing, a good memory for a change. Got me wondering, and thinking, did my step mother know we were all a bit not normal? Is that what drew her to my dad, his not normalness? She was a strong advocate for testing for the twins, and that gave them the advantages of having their unique brain wiring accomodated. At least for one of them, me? I was just the shy weird 'smart' awkward quiet one? Or was I? I mean I was, and still am. Pretty clearly on one spectrum or another. I have to remind myself I'm not like a lot of people, but there are a lot of people like me. But we're all different and well, you know. Stuff. It just struck me as maybe the only adult who *might* have recognized the specific variety of my difference might have been my step mom. And that's kind of sad in some ways. I know my mother never understood me, was always as 100% frustrated by me as I was by myself and completely unable to figure me out, still I think maybe that way. But she still loves me and that's enough? Right? Dangerous road to travel here on...

Best jump back into focusing on the heat, back to drinking some more water, maybe finish this last bit of super salty pizza to help with the sweating. 

Check the stavas, lets see what happens

heddwch
G

Finally got out there

 And did a Time Trial. 

Missed the first two. Didn't quite match last years shockingly consistent numbers but I absolute dead nuts rode the same time as the first time I did the TT on the Madone.

21:03

Crazy. Also because Stava is giving everyone a 'hey try out premium on us' instead of my normal Lap screen, I had LIVE SEGMENT screen on the headunit at the start and it was NOT a helpful datafield. 

No speed, just times. And a pace indicator. Um DUH yeah I'm going to be going way under my fastest time ever (18:24) that was 12 years ago and 40 pounds lighter on a full aerobar bike. Sure the bike was heavier but net maybe 35-38 pounds lighter is kind of a big factor, esp on those little bits of the course that point ever so slightly or very slightly uphill.

Last time i set that time mark i was wiped out, tired, this time undertrained (fresh yeah right) and riding blind. How was my pacing? I don't know. But I started getting a bit light headed from the effort at the last little rise before the downhill and up and turn onto Reynolds. I backed it off on the downhill and tried to recover enough but felt a little flat from there on out. No one caught me, that was a shock. I did catch and pass Goldberg and Sutton's kid. Do I have more? I think maybe so. I really should lower the bars/slam the stem, and lose a few pounds and ride my bike more than just on the commute. Or just pedal harder.

Pedal harder, yeah. That's what the plan is.

Maybe smackdown even. Although it is supposed to be 100 degrees on Tuesday and yesterday I was giving the bike a sweat shower and it was only in the mid-80s. 

At least the fun part of the strava bonus content is I can see all the times and last year was kind of crazy consistent. Faster than right now but also maybe i was riding more? I think I was, can't really have been riding less.

Okay it is late, I had planned to head home early, and here it is not early. 

Hitting the dirt this weekend hopefully, maybe I'll plan to take thursday off next week too. It was kind of nice having a day at home to just recover/relax and while I did try and failed to get tires on the black blue (got a flat, attempted to put some conti 25s on someone had give me but they wouldn't go on, so i put the black mamba, worn out but light and fine for road on with tubes and well, rear tube got a flat. Maybe pinched from trying to get the conti on (it won't work on that rear asym rim) or something sharp was stuck to the dried sealant on the inside of the casing. 

Because of that and not wanting to ride the big orange surly today i overbiked and rode the Madone to work. Put the camera bag on the top tube even.

time to get change and roll out though...  into the heat and the wind.

remember:

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

Things I didn't know I signed up for

 Trying to figure out how to get a high intensity athlete with anxiety and stress issues to eat more because not eating makes anxiety and stress worse but also doing it in a way that wont cause more of either, like bringing up the dangers of REDs

Appetite is tricky and learning that someone effectively hit an eating disorder from you is kind of devastating. 

Recognizing and being in tune with what I'm saying and the words I'm communicating, thinking about how they might be interpreted and treading cautiously is a lot of work.

I'm not nearly well enough equipped to do this remotely but I have to figure out how to help and empower... and all i want to do is head over there and help directly but that's not going to work either.

I should probably delete this, and likely will. Not nearly cryptic enough is my thinking.

Food is a tough one.

But if you're one of the few reading this, can you let me know what your high calorie, appetizing, easy to prepare meals are? The go to foods you make/eat when your appetite is gone and you just need to eat something?

it's raining again

On a Tuesday, which means some uncertainty for Smackdown. At least for me. Rain this morning means I'm not riding the madone to work. If I go I'll have to come home first, swap bikes and then go. Not a bad thing, gets a few extra miles but smackdown is going west. So, the warm up isn't as critical but it makes for a much longer ride. And that's ok. But Sunday's dirt church kicked my butt. Almost 25 miles on the singlespeed 3hrs of pedaling. I was feeling it on the way home last night. Recovered? Probably not. But it was good. I felt great honestly. It's like that bike is the perfect fit. 

I have Thursday off, and if like to do a big ride maybe, but it's also TT night. I've been wanting to put together a reasonably flat 45-60 minute loop from the lot at GJs and kind of prep for doing lots of laps one day, extra fluid and food in the car, it would be basically all more technical than the most technical at great Glen so the penalty for not paying attention the whole time is high enough to keep it exciting, even over the same stuff, if might get routine but it's a forced on your toes kind of trail. I mean I'm also wanting to do the North South trail. STILL haven't done that. Point to point makes it annoying with the logistics but this could be solved with some driving. 

The photo stuff tho, been feeling good about it and it's helped keep my focus off the stuff going on, and I'm looking the results. Feel like I need a better place to share it, or just to post it so I can show people easily on the rare occasions I want to do that. 

Oh and maybe for the first time, ever, there are no kids in the house (just for a week) and that's different. 

Ok time to make E some breakfast and pack my lunch and get to work, in the rain 

Heddwch 

G

Friday morning

I have now missed 2 TTs in a row. I am in town, not traveling but I'm still just not feeling great. 

Feeling physically ok, just tired, but also feeling very much out of shape. Confirmed by how slow I was on Sunday in the woods. I need a good 4-6 hrs on the bike, but that hasn't happened and will it soon? Dunno. 

The shit going on got to be this week pretty deeply. I think I've managed to recover my center and balance a bit. Been taking photos and getting pissed at the camera I really want to be working. Want to finish up this roll in the Pentax 17 and hopefully this time the developer will actually work. 

Heartbreaking to lose 80 photos taken over two months. 

But maybe they were all shit. 

Dog has continued to wake me up way way too early, but she's old and it's fine. I'm just tired. 

Have to head in early today tho. Posted photos, did my puzzles, had some coffee, the routine, ya know? 

Brake pads for the Stache are at the shop. Maybe I can get that together and get a good ride in Sunday after L leaves. There is that. She's been home and I'm choosing to spend time with her than go ride. It's making me slower but it's worth it. 

Be kind, do good, and remember

Amor Fati Morherfuckers 

Heddwch 

G

it's a Saturday morning

Dog needed to get up at 3:30, so that's what I did. She's 14.5 and and that's fine, she's still here to get me up and hang out. 

I did go back to bed this time. Yesterday it was a 5am wake up and I do l just stayed up and finished edits and got ready to go a little early. 

6.5 hours of sleep though after last weekend and this week at work means I'm wiped out today. Heck I should have left 15 min ago to go job the JP ride and get some long hard miles in on the road. But I only woke up an hour ago and I feel like I could have kept sleeping. 

I'm in a stage head space, this think with the kids and the team is bugging me more and more, nothing to do but it's just so fucking unfair. Yeah yeah I know, that's the nature of it all. Sometimes (haha) those in power do stuff that isn't great. Can't complain about the results, but by the numbers and the results it was a good move and I'm trying to make peace with it even if it would have been the same outcome. I dunno. I understand it and I'm coming to terms with the difference between college coaching and long term athlete development. 

College coaches have four years of athletes, no need to worry about it they can complete afterwards, not their problem. Their want to win and whatever it takes. Yeah there's a range but even the best push more than they should, obvs different for each sport and each athlete can decide where to draw the line themselves and most won't ever do the sport at that level again so it's not an issue. 

I skipped smackdown this week, and then I didn't go do the first of the summer TT series (yeah early start this year).

It's good to be able to push myself when needed and get through, but that back end recovery isn't as quick or effortless as it used to be. 

And here I am wiped out on a Saturday. But it might rain soon so meh I guess that's ok. 

I'm just trying to get a little more coffee in, get some words out of my head and then go develop a roll of film. 

I keep trying to explain a personality challenge to people, the one that struggles with travel to new places, out just flat out traveling at all. My brain isn't wired for that. I'm just remembering 5th grade French class and being vocal about not wanting to go in a trip to France, I couldn't articulate the fear so I made a weak sounding excuse involving my dog and was ridiculed for it by Madame Magraph (phonetic, I can't remember how to spell her name).

Even these overnight trips to photograph the races, I get descion paralysis trying to decide where to eat dinner, and that's with all the information and soaking the language a and having a decent understanding of things in the locale. Put me somewhere totally new, add a foreign language and poof stress levels through the roof. It completely overwhelmed any of the positives in the moment. It was good going to Paris, but that was different and also, while really stressful, more familiar in someways than others. But ultimately I can recognize it all now as the ASD part of me. And changing that isn't easy or really even possible. The alcohol basically was the enabling mechanism. And sober me is more like the 5th grade me than that middle part. And yeah, coming up on 7 years sober in a week or so, I can't go back to that mechanism. So the choices are avoidance or trauma. 

I gotta get back on the bike, need a whole day riding to kick something off. But kid is home for a few more days and I'm ok delaying the bike stuff in favor of hanging out. 

I should really stop and get down into the basement and get this roll going. 

Have to test the developer first. Still hurting after losing a whole roll to expired developer. Downside to XTOL, when it goes, it's gone. 

Heddwch

G

rewind

 Was digging up Mike F's pure sweet hell quote...

found this

https://www.gewilli.com/2015/12/vision-quest.html

I don't know that it was the Vision Quest I had hoped. 

Maybe though? I met Claire and got to know Megan, both of whom (with a few others but w/o this trip their influence wouldn't have been there and maybe I wouldn't be here now) were essential in my path to finding sobriety. 

It was a tough trip. The race? The best part of it was the photo drinking a beer on the hill in the Single speed race. There were lots of insanely dark and low moments. There were moments of absolutely high joys of gratitude.

Now, coming up on 10 years later? 

it was decidedly more net negative than positive but also important and i wouldn't be here without that experience.

but then one can say that about every experience...

we are where we are now because of what we've gone through, and it is more important what we do going forward with reflection on where we've been that demands the focus.

reflection is good, in only so much as you can use it to inform your next choice

Steph is right

And Anastasia was more of a therapist than a coach, and I needed that then and carry that through now.

I gotta go back up to a meeting with important people talking about important things and try not to eat too much more food. As always.

heddwch
G

Spent the weekend searching on my phone for this post

 https://www.gewilli.com/2023/06/click-i-get-it.html

all the search terms didn't get this one, why?
because #3

why? I don't know. Maybe seat post on the Top Fuel is wonky? Or the Madone has slipped a little? Or the Surly has? 

Or it has nothing to do with the bike.

Back has been low grade fucked up too. Why? I blame not riding the Stache (SSMTB) there's something theraputic about riding it and I haven't. Brakes yeah.

I did order new pads for it (and a set for the road bike just to have them) yesterday. So hopefully I'll be riding it soon.

But I also did make an appointment to see the doc tomorrow for a minor adjustment/release. Hope that helps.

Lots going on. So much driving over the last few weeks. Three trips to NJ in the last six weeks or so. Thousands of photos taken this season, 500 or so left to edit (all from Sunday).

Drama for the kid, she was in the 1V boat all season, but got pulled for some bullshit reason after being seatraced 9 times and finally being so mentally and physically tired that she lost by a second, that or the rest of the boat was more fatigued and was why, hard to say but she went from being in the NCAA winning national champ boat to the 2V and she's really really still pretty gutted about it, but working to move on. It is tough. She made the other boat better, no question, but that doesn't change the fact that she missed out on the top step AGAIN. And that's tough as a parent. Is it a good life lesson? I don't know. 

We'll see. There was one other change the coach made and that might have been the key, the new cox was more vocal, aggressive, demanding and terrifying, and you sometimes (they esp) need to have someone trigger that fear/adrenaline/fight or flight response needed to get the extra bit of speed and some cox are better at that than others, and sometimes that's the only difference in speed.

It was a good weekend though, as a team, photo wise I think i was mostly successful. 

I'm too wrecked to try and hit smackdown tonight, not to mention the back spasm is preventing me from taking a full breath. Although the Naproxen is keeping the pain manageable.

It is tough, but the trade off is worth it for now. Kid is home for a few days before going to train and prep for going to worlds.

And I have more shit to do. I'll work on more normal blogging and less microblogging. TT starts on Thursday but I don't think I'm going to be ready for an all out attempt this week, kind of would rather be home making dinner for the kid and hanging out

Heddwch

G

A Thursday in May

 45°F and raining like hell with a headwind.

Quite the commute. Almost feeling like I'd prefer a 90°F day and sun at this point. Might need to finally acquire a raincoat for the camera

i know it has been over a month

 I've been busy

which is good

things are settling down

which might not be good

but is also good, for now, to recover

boss had a serious shit is bad chat this morning

news isn't really getting better obvs

shit really is about to hit the fan

one of the industry companies let 50 sales reps go, these are highly skilled PhD with a vast amount of product and customer knowledge that aren't there anymore and that is only one company

I did get out for Greasy Joes final edition yesterday. It was good. DB and I cut a few loops off because it was the right call. It was still not easy but we finished up on some single track and it was good. Carried the proper amount of water and food and generally was very good ride.

Other than the front basically going flat and me barely holding on to control on a downhill. Pumped it up and it held the rest of the day. Fortunate to have the cush core pro 29 in there, big fat protection. Moved see a few mm back because lower back was getting sore and that almost immediately fixed the problem. Miraculously feeling fine, if a little tired.

Didn't sleep great or quite enough but not as bad as it could be. 

After smackdown last week my legs feel like they are coming around, so it is encouraging. Had talked with JC about doing a Wed night ride but left the ball in his court to see if he wanted to make it happen, it didn't happen. 

Weather this weeks makes it look like a recovery/rest week. 

Finished the Iron Druid series and loved it but also very sad that it is over, the characters and the dogs and, just everything, was such a perfect and humorous escape. Digging into some Ian Banks RN.

But wow today started off not terrible. I was able to get to work in a break in the rain, dog only woke me up at 5:40am... yet stuff...  *waves hand around* continues to get worse and worse. As we all predicted and said it would but NOOOO you're wrong it won't be that bad. I had about as much influence then as I do now to help fix things, zero. So what can I do, only what I can do.

Yesterday on the bike, it was warm, but it was good. we were riding. 

take care of yourselves.

heddwch
G

It is any worse now?

 This stuff going on? Different? yeah. Worse? Maybe.

Hard to disentangle and categorize levels of evil absolutely personally incomprehensible.

Spent a week in Seattle area visiting family and not really doing much else. Went shopping a couple times, very deliberate trips, nothing just to do something. Went for lots of walks, took a ton of shitty photos and some okay ones, some not bad, Still have two rolls of film from the trip to develop and one bit in the camera to finish off.

There were good parts of the trip, some challenging parts. A friend person that life's been getting in the way of actually seeing IRL, someone who I'd secretly (too secretly i guess) hoped would land that full time gig they had interviewed for and start working while i was there but then didn't and I didn't follow up because I have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old apparently (or I maybe i was just hoping the same magic as the last few times would work and they'd be employed). And hence the strike through.

But that's really how it goes, become friends, I do something someone can't understand because they don't want to understand or are using it as an excuse to not interact with me anymore and then all the flashbacks of former friends come through my head because that's how I'm wired. 

It is my life, it is my path it is what I know. Nothing else to say.

Trip was good, red eye home wasn't terrible but was pretty tough adjusting to Sunday after only 3hrs of sleep and then the dog being kind enough to let me sleep till 6 (M), and then 5:45 (Tu) and then 5:40 (W) and today? Thursday? 4 fucking 40 am.

Millie, I love you, you brilliant smart 14.5 year old mutt with bad teeth and terrible breath and a $100/month injectable drug that lets you move more easily habit, but FFS this morning was a bit much. I went back to sleep, slept through my alarm and woke up late and got to work late in the heavy rain on the commute. At least it was a tailwind.

Tuesday morning was actually kind of helpful in that I discovered the rear tire on the Madone was flat. And the sealant had dried up over the last 18 months. Chain needed waxing too and I had the new mini-crockpot to fill with wax, SOOOO I recharged both the front and rear tires with fresh sealant, and melted the bag of wax, dipped the chain, put the melted wax in the baby crock and got ready for smackdown.

Bike ready. Me? Still running on not enough sleep, what could go wrong. Tons of walking while out there, generally two and once three trips to the beach, a trip up and down a 200' elevation difference trail in a short distance (check strava if you want to see the full details of the trail).

Rolled out of IPP but the big crew rolled from the parking lot not the usual spot, okay. Got to JPs. There were too many riders to count. And that's awesome, and they are all faster than me, also awesome. For them. Big A group took off as we crossed Pawtucket Avenue and strated down 152. A big group. Then the B group settled with Graham on the front and Liam (insanely fast Junior) next to him, and then a handful of really fit and fast folks behind them, smooth and experienced fast folks mind you, crazy spaz fast guys all were in the A group.

Graham started off (check the strava if you want specifics)  pretty fast, 24-26 right off the bat, and when My HR started to climb in to the red sitting in the draft, I looked over at Burke and he had the same feeling, yeah no. So we formed the Regoup B group. except with no leadership. Steady As (that's what I'm calling Graham's group) just kept flying ahead eventually whittling down to 6 riders. A smackdown TT with Graham leading the whole way, basically. okay if that's what you can do and what you want to do, I seem to need a bit more recovery than going the same watts up and down and flat and where ever, esp since the power number I need to hold any time it goes up is too far about my threshold to sustain.

Maybe I'll get better? Maybe we just need to start a fresh old school smackdown on Wed or something.

The second group we were in kind of was a bit of a mess, stayed in a double paceline for a while, then it went single file, but the group stayed together until just at the top of Rocky Hill, I couldn't match the final acceleration and got gapped, Burke looked back and hung out and we tried to chase back on up Carpenter but eventually lost sight. They were right there on the left hand turn and if they'd soft pedalled we'd have gotten back on but as it was, nope. Burke and I rode the rest of the way home together, we were chasing for a bit but eventually just rode home. It was good to be out there, and legs were as expected, not great after 7ish days off the bike. But potentially better than expected.

I slept well, didn't cramp up Tuesday night, but oof last night I had a few good ones, a hamstring cramp and then early morning an adductor. 

Bike was good, chain was stiff on the way to work and the rain had just moved through tuesday morning so the Madone is now filthy. 

This morning was another rainy ride, but there was a good tailwind so not terrible other than being wet.

I had a handful of other things I really wanted to get down but this has already taken three brief moments to get this far. Probably can tell. 

Maybe I'll get the rest out of my head soon.

Heddwch
G

new wu-tang? oh yeah

 Saw this yesterday, was good. Good enough to get me grooving and moving.

About yesterday...

I was a few minutes late.

Tire held air though. But I ran it at 22PSI which is 3 PSI higher than usual and that is a big difference in traction and I slipped once going up Don's Up and In and spun the rear wheel and went down pretty hard.

Dropper post is still kind of fucked up. Oil in there. Factory says yeah, do the cleaning brake removal. need the tool for that though, at the least just the brake tool. 

Rode the Madone today. These hoods are way too small. Feel puny. I'd love it if there was a set with the same size and shape of the old 10sp 105 hoods. Would be nice if they were just a little big wider. My hands are not catcher mitts but they are a wee bit bigger than most. 

As much as I want to get the Stache sorted, I also want this to work so I can have legs on Tuesdays but still get in the woods. 

Too much to do and then I fly to seattle.

Well, it is a Monday. Do what you can to be kind, take care of those around you

Heddwch
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time change

Of all the campaign promises made, this might have been good, eliminate the time change eh? 

But yeah no such luck. 

I've managed to mute the really good vocal hey have you seen this atrocity today and have been able to scroll through the feed without to much panic. 

One of the facility users did manage to darken my mood with their absolute despair abd, I don't know, resignation, sometime just dark and infectiously depressing. Was not good. But, got through it. 

Am here, now. Major protests persist. And the meme about have you tried unplugging the USA and plugging it back in? Well that kind of feels like what's happening right now. Being unplugged... But unplugged and dismantled for scrap and that weird currency that starts with a c might be not quite the same. 

It's not easy being me. I had to ask my mother to stop bringing up this gov stuff. I can't have conversations yet, it seems. Even writing these handful of sentences are triggering a small rush. 

That said I'm getting better at this, and before long I'll be able to engage, I think, without losing my shit out having a full blown panic attack. 

Maybe. 

Dirt Church is up soon. Writing this might make me late but I needed to delay breakfast a few minutes ago here I am. 

Wasn't able to put air in the tires, so I cleaned the front valve core and that worked. Rear valve core was too gummed up in the middle, not cleanable. 

So I swapped it. 

Put air in both tires easily, finally. 

Checked them last night and both were flat. 

Fuck. 

Aired them up to 30... 

This morning, front has held, rear? Not so much. 

Tried to check for leaking, filled it up, checked seemed ok. Then fuck it. 

Tim the bike outside, took the rear wheel off and pulled out the soap spray. No bubbles anywhere. 

And there's still liquid sealant in there. 

Hmm. 

Also working outside barefoot is cold. 

Let's take a live look at the tire. It's been 30 min. Do we have bubbles anywhere? 

Nope. Well fuck. I dunno. Should hold for the ride. I would leave it parked here and ride the Stache but I still haven't reloaded the rear brake pads AND Tuesday is smackdown and we all know riding singlespeed on Sunday is not great for smackdown legs on Tuesday. 

Ok, time to eat quickly, get dressed and load up the car. 

Heddwch

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about that coffee thing

So I didn't really cut back. I've been better at limiting coffee, but more effective at removing the triggers. 

Adding a few more mute words, limiting random surfing/scrolling. Expressing gratitude to those who can and are acting and engaging. 

Reading. 

Editing photos. 

Doing working. Trying to be a better me, trying to find joy out at least balance in this life and what left I have to live. 

Work to be a positive influence on the students I work with. 

Feels like this is boringly becoming an affirmation web log. Not sure if that's good. But it is maybe what I need. 

But what I REALLY need is a new 130bcd chainring for the Black Blue. Been commuting on that now that the studded tires are on the Surly. And it skips and pops. Maybe partly the freehub, mostly the chain. It's all so worn it's not funny. But there are few to no options for affordable replacements. I've got a cassette, I think I have a chain, but the chainring is so worn I can't stick s new chain on it I mean it's fucking 10+ years old. Probably 10-15k miles at least on that ring. 

Maybe I've got a new ring, it won't be the a 44t but maybe that's ok. It's not used as a CX bike anymore. Hell, until last week it hasn't been ridden since I got the Madone. 

Right now it works in the largest cogs, and the smallest. Not much in the middle. 

But holy crap it is so much faster getting to work than the studded tires on the singlespeed. 15-20 min faster with comparable effort. 

It means less time pedaling but that's not the worst. Maybe I'll have more left in the tank at the end of the week! 

It is fat Tuesday and ou I have a craving for a good Michigan Paczi it's been 20 years but I still miss them heck I'm close to my Michigan weight now but I'm also carrying a hell of a lot more lean muscle mass. I'm not super skinny, little bit of squish in the midsection, too much maybe, but I looked at an old photo from 12-14 years ago and my arms and shoulders are carrying more muscle now. And my back has been the most reliable in a long time, save for a few weeks ago. Nice that three incidents are the anomaly not the routine. 

Lots of work still left to do. But, physically things are not bad 

Eyes working better than in they have in ages. 

But still not as good as they once were but I'll take it. 

I better get going, a couple things left to do before heading up the bike path this morning. Yeah it's late. 

Oops

Heddwch

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Reality is dawning

 Been thinking, looking, reading up a tiny bit. Adrenaline rush can be good but mine? Not good. When triggered from the 'fear' place vs angry place vs sad place vs action/athlete vs thrill place it is different.

Ways to deal with it, get regular exercise, at least 30 minutes a day. That's FUNNY (already do). Limit screen time, tough one but on the whole I do spend quite a bit of time not in front of screens, of if they are they are pretty far away (I have long arms and my eyes still work) there's a low % of that light vs the rest, but then again nearly all the artificial lighting I'm around is LED. So that probably isn't good.

One of the things is to cut back on coffee or tea, aka caffeinated beverages. And that got me reflecting about the last time I was having this many panic attacks/spontaneously triggered Adrenaline rushes. Michigan, driving back and forth, not getting much exercise, drinking too much coffee.

That dawning reality is two fold. One, for self preservation I need to remove myself from the stimulus that is causing the overactive adrenaline to rush my system. That is physiologically bad. My situation might be unique, it probably is, it certainly seems to be an outlier from my limited sampling of people.

The other? I probably could/should cut back on coffee to make it a bit easier maybe. Until I can find a better response to seeing a fucking headline or hearing about some absolutely evil shit happening, that I can't do anything about.

Haven't made a pot of coffee at work today. I will need more but maybe I'll make just a few cups. This coffee maker I have doesn't have to be filled up to the brim to work. IT WILL make a small amount of coffee. I think, I've never tried. 

Lets see what happens. But holy shit, I could really stand to not have a panic attack/adrenaline flush dozens of times a day.

And when they happen as I'm trying to fall asleep? That's bad. Like being away for hours bad.

Gotta do what we can each do. Keep doing this job, keep helping people, keep doing good and creating a safe space for those around me, keep making art to keep my sanity.

I should take a walk before lunch eh? bring the camera. I need to finish up the roll in the Half Frame. Been trying a few double exposures with it. A pretty stock effect but hopefully one that works at least for one frame. I'll take a low success rate for this.

Just kind of wish it was a little warmer. 

Hell has certainly frozen over!

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
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