the Quantum Pro has been de-hooved. training/road wheels are on the big white blue. Big white blue was last ridden outside at Riverpoint park in January. Ridden a handful of times on the trainer in January/Feb. sitting idle since.
the KQP has picked up a good handful of miles. Largest bulk on the ride with JLSXC. But this week it helped keep me in visiual distance of some fancy C'dale and a Cervelo Sfast. Nothing aero, all old school.
But hanging, cassette is chilling on the pedal now.
Gotta get ready for CXyTime.
Riverpoint park CX practice starts on Wed next week. You want gnarlyist stuff? the craziest stuff you'll see all year? You want good prep? Come on down. The whole course is PRO ONLY, if the section you are on seems easy YOU AREN'T GOING PRO SPEED!
So yeah, white blue aka CX bike #1 (despite being a heavy tank, it fits) should see at least a little commuting action tomorrow.
CXyTime is here.
I'm no where near ready but little steps like this are moral victories.
heddwch
G
Friday, August 14, 2015
Dead Right or Wrong and alive... you wanna pick?
I watched this before commuting to work by bike this morning (facebook video link below posting here because.... no better reason anyway)
Spot on.
And a couple points:
#1 be smart enough and aware of your surroundings enough to accept being wrong vs being dead and right.
#2 if you are traveling in a bike lane or on a shoulder faster than cars, assume every car/truck is going to right/left hook you. Does that suck? Not nearly as sucky as being dead.
#3 it is horrible that this happens but on a bike, in all but the most rare exceptions you control where the bike goes and how you wind up, yes other humans behind the wheel of death mobiles and death trucks need some reminders, but your life and health rests first in your hands and in your head.
#1 be smart enough and aware of your surroundings enough to accept being wrong vs being dead and right.
#2 if you are traveling in a bike lane or on a shoulder faster than cars, assume every car/truck is going to right/left hook you. Does that suck? Not nearly as sucky as being dead.
#3 it is horrible that this happens but on a bike, in all but the most rare exceptions you control where the bike goes and how you wind up, yes other humans behind the wheel of death mobiles and death trucks need some reminders, but your life and health rests first in your hands and in your head.
I think one of the most poignant and graphic examples is simply the words Thom Parsons said in his winter snow video going from point A-B around BOS regarding the truck and waiting. I don't have the direct quote off the top of my head but suffice to say it isn't so much different than #1. Also. Slow the F'down and have some patience on the bike. Unless you've pinned a number on and paid your fee and are racing on a closed course, you are just a cyclist. Don't be a dick.
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154590449688084&pnref=story
be safe out there.
Tonight's ride with Chris Bailey doing the lead was good. It was validating to have someone else on the ride i've actually never ridden with before today who had the same approach to cycling as I do.
One of those good things.
heddwch
G
(post script moved to separate posts)
one of those good things (topic split from other one last night)
Also.......
one of those good things... one of those things that makes me feel like how I'm doing it isn't wrong. I get very very very little positive feedback. Very little support that I'm doing good. I also get very little to no comments about how I'm doing it wrong.
Either would be appreciated. Obs the first more so. But for the most part, I do absolutely the best I feel i can (unless i'm totally blown and tired and destroyed and then I just write nonsense, like now). I internalize every fuck up. Which, let me tell you, is NOT good for self confidence, because: I fuck up all the fucking time. But maybe even then I still fuck up less than most but does it matter? No because I am just judging myself.
So yeah, Hey you're doing great, "thanks"
that's kind of how one job is like, maybe two. the third one i fuck up more than i should, and am happy to take the blame.
I had a couple really good moments in my head today.
This kid on the ride said something about being stoked to finally meet Lesli at cross camp. He was effusive with praise for her taste, and the quality of work she promoted. And is there anyone in NECX who hasn't noticed how much she's done, how much she's given, how much energy she has? I'm in awe. Part of what I was trying to reconcile in my little overworked brain was, you know, some how you've gotta find an enormous amount of strength in moments of realization. Some how you (me this tall weirdo) has to recognize that my enthusiasm and love and willingness to share my passion with anyone, is kind of unique. And it mighr be kind of cool.
And of course it is late. But I'm also tired of being afraid to talk about things that provide boyancy to my heart. To my soul. Part of the donkey parable. Maybe only the bots in Russia saw the post that was up for an hour last night.
I don't have much to give. I'm broke. Completely and totally. I can't even come close to affording to register for a weekend at G-ster, but I did. What I have to give is my passion, my hard earned knowledge (that esp on food topics no one wants to hear about) but hey. You all know, if i can help I will. no question. And I've never felt anything but indebt to those who have helped me and have thanked them many times publicly. Because I know for me, that display of appreciation is worth more than gold.
So
to everyone who has helped me, tolerated me, hugged me, helped me... again...
thank you
legit and deeply felt.... thank you
heddwch
g
one of those good things... one of those things that makes me feel like how I'm doing it isn't wrong. I get very very very little positive feedback. Very little support that I'm doing good. I also get very little to no comments about how I'm doing it wrong.
Either would be appreciated. Obs the first more so. But for the most part, I do absolutely the best I feel i can (unless i'm totally blown and tired and destroyed and then I just write nonsense, like now). I internalize every fuck up. Which, let me tell you, is NOT good for self confidence, because: I fuck up all the fucking time. But maybe even then I still fuck up less than most but does it matter? No because I am just judging myself.
So yeah, Hey you're doing great, "thanks"
that's kind of how one job is like, maybe two. the third one i fuck up more than i should, and am happy to take the blame.
I had a couple really good moments in my head today.
This kid on the ride said something about being stoked to finally meet Lesli at cross camp. He was effusive with praise for her taste, and the quality of work she promoted. And is there anyone in NECX who hasn't noticed how much she's done, how much she's given, how much energy she has? I'm in awe. Part of what I was trying to reconcile in my little overworked brain was, you know, some how you've gotta find an enormous amount of strength in moments of realization. Some how you (me this tall weirdo) has to recognize that my enthusiasm and love and willingness to share my passion with anyone, is kind of unique. And it mighr be kind of cool.
And of course it is late. But I'm also tired of being afraid to talk about things that provide boyancy to my heart. To my soul. Part of the donkey parable. Maybe only the bots in Russia saw the post that was up for an hour last night.
I don't have much to give. I'm broke. Completely and totally. I can't even come close to affording to register for a weekend at G-ster, but I did. What I have to give is my passion, my hard earned knowledge (that esp on food topics no one wants to hear about) but hey. You all know, if i can help I will. no question. And I've never felt anything but indebt to those who have helped me and have thanked them many times publicly. Because I know for me, that display of appreciation is worth more than gold.
So
to everyone who has helped me, tolerated me, hugged me, helped me... again...
thank you
legit and deeply felt.... thank you
heddwch
g
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Bacon
Made a few burgers for dinner... but not normal burgers...
cooked up some bacon, not just any bacon, some store that most people who have misquided feeling of hate towards had some of the paleo bacon on sale. A good sale, cheaper than regular bacon sale. So i bought some a while back. Yeah people hate this store but it is one i've found I can get stuff cheaper and feel my girls better food for less money than anywhere else. But then you know I don't buy pre-cooked/prepared/whatever foods. Basics. ANYWAY.
This bacon, paleo WWEEEEE buzzword/fad. No this is just bacon w/o sugar. Impressive. Also dude, this bacon tastes amazing.
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY COOKS SO MUCH EASIER! Doesn't stick to the pan, carmelizes perfectly. WTF - TASTES EVEN BETTER! Why do all you motherfucking dumbasses insist on adding sugar to everything.
No Foley, not talking about the bike racers who read this blog they are all perfect. Everysingle one of them. Not one of them would ever even think about opening a cola, even one of them mexican cola made with sugar. My hope for the world dies everytime one of them bike racers is photographed drinking a cola, or goes to defending the coke "moderations is fine" or claiming it is only a problem for non-athletes.
But then I'm a judgemental asshole. So what the fuck do you care what I think. BOOM - heck I get it right now and then. Some people thank me, some people provide acknowledgement, rare do people completely turn their back and are unable to say anything.
It is late.
I'm still tired.
And evidence of registering for the 45+ race. I'm old. Well, finally maybe middle aged. Mid point of life? 45? maybe. statistics are what they are. Am I at the half way point? Close enough.
Sacry thought.
Take the sugar out of the bacon and it cooks so easily in the pan.
Dinner was amazing. Alex M was spot on with the addition of the fried egg. holy shit. also the blue cheese i had was soooooo amazing. Bacon, carmelized onions, fried egg, grass fed beef burger, fancy blue cheese. Dijon mustard.
But food is just food.
It is what we eat.
I was thinking back today, i've had two meals in the last two weeks that I didn't cook myself. two....
Oh and here's the thing, thanking someone won't boost their ego, won't make their head bigger, won't make them more of pain. It actually might do the opposite.
But hey. It is what it is. And I just finished the last beer. A Steven Segal film again. nice On Deadly Ground style. Terrible film. Good message. Bad film. even when edited for TV.
Soon my entertainment i provide at night will be over. I've got a pile of books that i have checked out that aren't getting read. Not good. Maybe I should read instead of write.
nahhh okay maybe i'll start reading tomorrow.
although today felt like a friday. Not a good thing for a Tuesday.
heddwch
g
cooked up some bacon, not just any bacon, some store that most people who have misquided feeling of hate towards had some of the paleo bacon on sale. A good sale, cheaper than regular bacon sale. So i bought some a while back. Yeah people hate this store but it is one i've found I can get stuff cheaper and feel my girls better food for less money than anywhere else. But then you know I don't buy pre-cooked/prepared/whatever foods. Basics. ANYWAY.
This bacon, paleo WWEEEEE buzzword/fad. No this is just bacon w/o sugar. Impressive. Also dude, this bacon tastes amazing.
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY COOKS SO MUCH EASIER! Doesn't stick to the pan, carmelizes perfectly. WTF - TASTES EVEN BETTER! Why do all you motherfucking dumbasses insist on adding sugar to everything.
No Foley, not talking about the bike racers who read this blog they are all perfect. Everysingle one of them. Not one of them would ever even think about opening a cola, even one of them mexican cola made with sugar. My hope for the world dies everytime one of them bike racers is photographed drinking a cola, or goes to defending the coke "moderations is fine" or claiming it is only a problem for non-athletes.
But then I'm a judgemental asshole. So what the fuck do you care what I think. BOOM - heck I get it right now and then. Some people thank me, some people provide acknowledgement, rare do people completely turn their back and are unable to say anything.
It is late.
I'm still tired.
And evidence of registering for the 45+ race. I'm old. Well, finally maybe middle aged. Mid point of life? 45? maybe. statistics are what they are. Am I at the half way point? Close enough.
Sacry thought.
Take the sugar out of the bacon and it cooks so easily in the pan.
Dinner was amazing. Alex M was spot on with the addition of the fried egg. holy shit. also the blue cheese i had was soooooo amazing. Bacon, carmelized onions, fried egg, grass fed beef burger, fancy blue cheese. Dijon mustard.
But food is just food.
It is what we eat.
I was thinking back today, i've had two meals in the last two weeks that I didn't cook myself. two....
Oh and here's the thing, thanking someone won't boost their ego, won't make their head bigger, won't make them more of pain. It actually might do the opposite.
But hey. It is what it is. And I just finished the last beer. A Steven Segal film again. nice On Deadly Ground style. Terrible film. Good message. Bad film. even when edited for TV.
Soon my entertainment i provide at night will be over. I've got a pile of books that i have checked out that aren't getting read. Not good. Maybe I should read instead of write.
nahhh okay maybe i'll start reading tomorrow.
although today felt like a friday. Not a good thing for a Tuesday.
heddwch
g
And just like that
the 45+ race is full for Sunday and as I'm typing three spots open on Saturday.
It has been a while since i've been in a G-ster feild that closed out.
Lots of familiar names there. Lots of them. So I committed the money to the race, now I guess I better get the CX bike ready.
This morning I remembered what I had started to say mid-cooking dinner blog post.
Not a big deal but that moment of being like "OH RIGHT" when you remember. Good feeling. Like one unknown hanging chad is ripped off and it is nice and clean.
Feels good when that happens, even if I forget to write about it or do what I had originally planned.
I finally followed Chris Bailey on Strava, been meaning to since he took one of my two KOMs. And I noticed I've ridden just over 3600 miles this year. Not as many I as I had hoped to have logged now, many many missed and needed mental health days.
Much more remarkable? And meaningful? Last year I came very close to not even making it to 4000 miles for the year.
Are any of these miles quality? I dunno. But last night was a good one. Hoping to make Thursday night work this week.
Registered for G-ster though. Holy crap. Time to get my shit together. Okay well maybe tomorrow.
And it is filled. 55+ probably soon after. Lucky, I guess, they made it 1/2/3 this year instead of 1-4 for the 45+ and 55+ or people'd have been locked out way sooner. And then where goes the overflow? Given previous years they wind up in the more open and rarely filled 35+ field.
And then I had to go look at Crossresults.
Fuuuuuuuck. My points last year kind of tanked didn't they. WOW. Oh well. Guess I'm kind of well accustom to starting in the back. Not like I expect to be anywhere else really, but that kind of put a wee damper on things. Guess I need to get a race or two in before G-ster and hopefully shave some points and move up in the starting grid. Can't really go any slower than I did last year w/o actually walking. So there's that.
But here's the other thing, last year sucked but also helped remind me that the results aren't everything, but it did remind me that racing with some sort of semblance of fitness is a lot more fun than being dead slow from being out of shape. The whole 'hey i can ride with these guys, this is awesome... oh wait, I can only do it for one lap, but hey i can ride with them for one lap." Translation: I could ride i just couldn't pedal. working on changing that this year.
also - staying up late for no reason isn't helping productivity, but fortunately productivity today means getting up from desk to help then coming back and sitting back down, all day. So not a bad day to be a zombie.
It has been a while since i've been in a G-ster feild that closed out.
Lots of familiar names there. Lots of them. So I committed the money to the race, now I guess I better get the CX bike ready.
This morning I remembered what I had started to say mid-cooking dinner blog post.
Not a big deal but that moment of being like "OH RIGHT" when you remember. Good feeling. Like one unknown hanging chad is ripped off and it is nice and clean.
Feels good when that happens, even if I forget to write about it or do what I had originally planned.
I finally followed Chris Bailey on Strava, been meaning to since he took one of my two KOMs. And I noticed I've ridden just over 3600 miles this year. Not as many I as I had hoped to have logged now, many many missed and needed mental health days.
Much more remarkable? And meaningful? Last year I came very close to not even making it to 4000 miles for the year.
Are any of these miles quality? I dunno. But last night was a good one. Hoping to make Thursday night work this week.
Registered for G-ster though. Holy crap. Time to get my shit together. Okay well maybe tomorrow.
And it is filled. 55+ probably soon after. Lucky, I guess, they made it 1/2/3 this year instead of 1-4 for the 45+ and 55+ or people'd have been locked out way sooner. And then where goes the overflow? Given previous years they wind up in the more open and rarely filled 35+ field.
And then I had to go look at Crossresults.
Fuuuuuuuck. My points last year kind of tanked didn't they. WOW. Oh well. Guess I'm kind of well accustom to starting in the back. Not like I expect to be anywhere else really, but that kind of put a wee damper on things. Guess I need to get a race or two in before G-ster and hopefully shave some points and move up in the starting grid. Can't really go any slower than I did last year w/o actually walking. So there's that.
But here's the other thing, last year sucked but also helped remind me that the results aren't everything, but it did remind me that racing with some sort of semblance of fitness is a lot more fun than being dead slow from being out of shape. The whole 'hey i can ride with these guys, this is awesome... oh wait, I can only do it for one lap, but hey i can ride with them for one lap." Translation: I could ride i just couldn't pedal. working on changing that this year.
also - staying up late for no reason isn't helping productivity, but fortunately productivity today means getting up from desk to help then coming back and sitting back down, all day. So not a bad day to be a zombie.
Gran Prix of Gloucester RACE TO REG
Because well ... 45+ now
https://www.bikereg.com/gpg2015
POUNDING THE F5 KEY NOW
and i've registered....
WTF HAVE I JUST DONE!
not quite the hole shot but call it second row or so after the call ups
So much for sleep
found some dumb edited movie on the sub OTA channels again. A segal film this time, it is terrible, and Kris Kristofferson is a bad guy. Rubber Ducky? a bad guy? For real? damn.
i'm totally being a terrible athlete. Kill myself on the bike and then unable to sleep to maximize benefit. At least I made a big giant pile of food. Got stuff to eat.
meeting tomorrow night got moved to Wed night, so smackdown? yeah that ain't gonna happen. But tomorrow is G'ster opening reg. Who's gotta reg? me. Duh. Burnt out crushed like a 2 week old cigarette butt on the road. there ain't much left right now.
"Could be because I'm a bad shot, could be because I'm a good shot and I jsut wanted you to meet Tyrone." Cinematic poetry
Stuff you can learn, stuff you just know.
Good thing this idiot box movie is over, i can stop talking to myself through this thing.
Am I crazy? Fuck yeah. But have I lost it? Nope. Not yet. Despite the efforts of, ah i better chill, bite my tongue.
Every once in a long while I get a few words that make a difference.
Every once in a while I manage to get out and destroy myself on the bike. I'm a better sailor, i can read the wind, see the currents and know what to do with the rudder and the sheets. I'm better in a shell, a skull, i'm no good in a pair, or a four/quad or eight, no... but give me my own blades... the water bubbling off the bow, the silent slip into the water the swing, the glide. Those things made sense. Chemistry made sense. But then stuff that was easy and stuff that I was good at were never oddly enough to get me focused when I needed to be focused. What do i say? I went to the school i went to because they had the 3-2 pogram. who knos about that anymore. But then when i got there I wound up studing plants.
hit home today talking to a post doc "I have great hands, a terrible bedside manner, I should have been a surgeon, i'm going to be 40 soon, i'm still a post doc."
riding, eyes bleeding behind a med student, got me thinking... where would I be now if i wasn't so plant focused, so hell bent on maize development. Full disclosure, interview at UPenn went poorly, why? because i was resistant to the idea of working with drosophila or mice... just wanted to work with plants. Lots of good it did me. Except it pushed me into doing what I am better at, the mechanical side of things, the artistic expression using microsocpes and the teaching. Stuff. Life. Why am i working 3 jobs? Because...
And why am I awake at 12:45am? I have to work tomorrow! Oh right, just me alone. With the dogs.
They are sleeping better than I am despite hanging out at home all day.
But back to a few words that make a difference.
Thank you, are two of them... heart is reaching out... a few others.
thank you... those words...
i say sorry too much, thank you as much but no one complains about the thank yous, but everyone says 'stop saying sorry'
it may be a few hours before i have to wake up, but this is kind of key...
or not...
or i'm so deleriously tired i have no idea what I'm saying. But hey. I haven't really talked to anyone for days or longer. but hey it is what it is.
hey did you know that they have movies that are on the rabbit eat TV all night? I didn't. Better turn it off. may not be an athlete but damn i gott be pro tomorrow.
You get what i'm saying, yo?
or no. if no, well buy me a beer and i'll explain in detail. not drinking much lately, but still oddly awake.
it'll work out.
Noon tomorrow is gonna be crazy.
Supah crazy.
till then, me with heavy heart
heddwch
g
i'm totally being a terrible athlete. Kill myself on the bike and then unable to sleep to maximize benefit. At least I made a big giant pile of food. Got stuff to eat.
meeting tomorrow night got moved to Wed night, so smackdown? yeah that ain't gonna happen. But tomorrow is G'ster opening reg. Who's gotta reg? me. Duh. Burnt out crushed like a 2 week old cigarette butt on the road. there ain't much left right now.
"Could be because I'm a bad shot, could be because I'm a good shot and I jsut wanted you to meet Tyrone." Cinematic poetry
Stuff you can learn, stuff you just know.
Good thing this idiot box movie is over, i can stop talking to myself through this thing.
Am I crazy? Fuck yeah. But have I lost it? Nope. Not yet. Despite the efforts of, ah i better chill, bite my tongue.
Every once in a long while I get a few words that make a difference.
Every once in a while I manage to get out and destroy myself on the bike. I'm a better sailor, i can read the wind, see the currents and know what to do with the rudder and the sheets. I'm better in a shell, a skull, i'm no good in a pair, or a four/quad or eight, no... but give me my own blades... the water bubbling off the bow, the silent slip into the water the swing, the glide. Those things made sense. Chemistry made sense. But then stuff that was easy and stuff that I was good at were never oddly enough to get me focused when I needed to be focused. What do i say? I went to the school i went to because they had the 3-2 pogram. who knos about that anymore. But then when i got there I wound up studing plants.
hit home today talking to a post doc "I have great hands, a terrible bedside manner, I should have been a surgeon, i'm going to be 40 soon, i'm still a post doc."
riding, eyes bleeding behind a med student, got me thinking... where would I be now if i wasn't so plant focused, so hell bent on maize development. Full disclosure, interview at UPenn went poorly, why? because i was resistant to the idea of working with drosophila or mice... just wanted to work with plants. Lots of good it did me. Except it pushed me into doing what I am better at, the mechanical side of things, the artistic expression using microsocpes and the teaching. Stuff. Life. Why am i working 3 jobs? Because...
And why am I awake at 12:45am? I have to work tomorrow! Oh right, just me alone. With the dogs.
They are sleeping better than I am despite hanging out at home all day.
But back to a few words that make a difference.
Thank you, are two of them... heart is reaching out... a few others.
thank you... those words...
i say sorry too much, thank you as much but no one complains about the thank yous, but everyone says 'stop saying sorry'
it may be a few hours before i have to wake up, but this is kind of key...
or not...
or i'm so deleriously tired i have no idea what I'm saying. But hey. I haven't really talked to anyone for days or longer. but hey it is what it is.
hey did you know that they have movies that are on the rabbit eat TV all night? I didn't. Better turn it off. may not be an athlete but damn i gott be pro tomorrow.
You get what i'm saying, yo?
or no. if no, well buy me a beer and i'll explain in detail. not drinking much lately, but still oddly awake.
it'll work out.
Noon tomorrow is gonna be crazy.
Supah crazy.
till then, me with heavy heart
heddwch
g
Monday, August 10, 2015
HOLY CRAP
I've done the Tower Hill loop for years, with lots of people. Tonight i got a ton of PRs on strava thing. Now first 'fuck strava' but besides that it is a metric that carries through over the years. Now so I really haven't been using strava as long as I've been doing Tower hill but arguable one of my faster years was '13 and i was recording it then.
So.
ANYWAY ... mostly who cares. but also I got all those PRs dead tired, mentally fried and probably with lower energy levels. Hell I didn't even notice the first hill on River Road, totally don't remember going up it. I do remember getting to the point of no more hills on River road and being like "I think I missed one? How? what?"
Bart had told me about a little climb he discovered up in the Diamond Hill area. Not new, but a road I've never heard of or ridden on. So fuck it. Eian wanted to ride today I got done early even though I worked on a paid holiday. Yeah I got paid to NOT work today and I still scheduled 2 new microscope trainings today. Why? Because I'm an overly dedicated person who feels empathy for everyone who is trying desperately to get on the new scope and start using it.
as an aside - everyone who has had seat time on it has been blown away. Validating the effort and the need to be here instead of dinking and eating at super fancy places in Miami and Boca and Pamplona beach or where ever my family is now w/o me. Vacation bitter? No. not me.
So work, got second training done, got on bike and went to take a look at this road Bart told me about on Sunday. It was awesome and I can't move. Legs destroyed.
Also I need to make dinner.
So fuck it making massive pile of pasta, mushroom kale beef tomato sauce. I'd use wine but I only have beer and I don't think that'll be good in there, or if it is good I'm not wanting to try right now.
Food finished, finally. Eating at 8:50 not so bad, or not so good. Food's not bad, not mind blowing, which is not good because there is a giant pile of it. I may not have to cook for a few days, but that's not a bad thing I guess seeing how much effort it took to make it happen when I was totally dead from the ride and the day.
And it really isn't bad.
Better have some more, gotta pedal in the AM. Gotta keep going. Head up moving forward.
Good think I love what I do and am good at it, this might be torture if I didn't. also. so tired. ugh.
But mushrooms so good.
maybe a splash too much of skinnywhitedude's milk in bolognese, but not really terrible.
okay - shit to do stuff to make happen head up moving forward so overwhelmed. Oh well.
heddwch
G
( i have no idea where I started off wanting to go with this post, i guess cooking dinner fried my already fried brain - oops)
So.
ANYWAY ... mostly who cares. but also I got all those PRs dead tired, mentally fried and probably with lower energy levels. Hell I didn't even notice the first hill on River Road, totally don't remember going up it. I do remember getting to the point of no more hills on River road and being like "I think I missed one? How? what?"
Bart had told me about a little climb he discovered up in the Diamond Hill area. Not new, but a road I've never heard of or ridden on. So fuck it. Eian wanted to ride today I got done early even though I worked on a paid holiday. Yeah I got paid to NOT work today and I still scheduled 2 new microscope trainings today. Why? Because I'm an overly dedicated person who feels empathy for everyone who is trying desperately to get on the new scope and start using it.
as an aside - everyone who has had seat time on it has been blown away. Validating the effort and the need to be here instead of dinking and eating at super fancy places in Miami and Boca and Pamplona beach or where ever my family is now w/o me. Vacation bitter? No. not me.
So work, got second training done, got on bike and went to take a look at this road Bart told me about on Sunday. It was awesome and I can't move. Legs destroyed.
Also I need to make dinner.
So fuck it making massive pile of pasta, mushroom kale beef tomato sauce. I'd use wine but I only have beer and I don't think that'll be good in there, or if it is good I'm not wanting to try right now.
Food finished, finally. Eating at 8:50 not so bad, or not so good. Food's not bad, not mind blowing, which is not good because there is a giant pile of it. I may not have to cook for a few days, but that's not a bad thing I guess seeing how much effort it took to make it happen when I was totally dead from the ride and the day.
And it really isn't bad.
Better have some more, gotta pedal in the AM. Gotta keep going. Head up moving forward.
Good think I love what I do and am good at it, this might be torture if I didn't. also. so tired. ugh.
But mushrooms so good.
maybe a splash too much of skinnywhitedude's milk in bolognese, but not really terrible.
okay - shit to do stuff to make happen head up moving forward so overwhelmed. Oh well.
heddwch
G
( i have no idea where I started off wanting to go with this post, i guess cooking dinner fried my already fried brain - oops)
Sunday, August 09, 2015
escape
some how i managed to escape from broadcast TV sub channel edited movies...
watched Running Man. So classic, so oddly topical still. the editing took a bunch out of the film but left enough that i could enjoy it while cooking and eating dinner.
but still... more and more movies to follow, no need to fall asleep with the lights on only to wake up at 6am to turn them off.
TV off.
Poison Ivy in effect, dog tolerant of me but not sure still.
No wood gathering today but does it matter? i dunno, i have more than I could have possible collected if the storm hadn't hit, losing out on the stuff that other people took shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but i'm working on that.
This state has a holiday tomorrow. My place of primary employment has a vacation day because of state holiday, but hey, who is the idiot who scheduled two trainings on the new scope for tomorrow? Me. Vacation day, i get paid not to be there but then, i don't get paid to be there even if I am there but i will be there and i feel like more of an idiot but i know that there's huge demand for the new scope and well i'm not going to make it worse down the line by cancelling. so I'll be there.
so I've turned the TV off.
and i reflect of no riding, good job way to get ready for CX.
but then i'm old than I was a few years ago, and i know i had zero capacity to do any meaningful work. maybe tomorrow i'll get some effort in.
maybe.
for now i sit here - hoping for sleep to come soon, trying not to focus on emptyness of all varieties, lack of contact from the crew who've left me to go to florida for the week certainly underscore my superfluousness... extra, useless... not true but can't help but recognize that's how it makes me feel.
random (not really) reach out tonight made a big difference, so thank you for that.
No one talks to me much, i know too much, terrible person to talk to, no ability to be social and whatnot. notice the trend over the years... trend of isolation... put there not by me but is there and remains. maybe that's just who i am. Good? no. Bad? i dunno... Some how vision of swimming off the rocks of Stage Fort Park come to mind at the moment.
Thinking about that a lot, more and more people talking about Richmond, and F'THAT no way is Richmond gonna take any focus from G-ster.
anyway, head up, moving forward, trudging this long lonely road, a road I've made lonely despite wishing it wasn't.
i turned the TV off at 10, yet still awake am I. early to sleep? yeah not happening.
dogs are snoring around the bed.
i'm just left here wondering
over thinking everything of course
again
heddwch
g
watched Running Man. So classic, so oddly topical still. the editing took a bunch out of the film but left enough that i could enjoy it while cooking and eating dinner.
but still... more and more movies to follow, no need to fall asleep with the lights on only to wake up at 6am to turn them off.
TV off.
Poison Ivy in effect, dog tolerant of me but not sure still.
No wood gathering today but does it matter? i dunno, i have more than I could have possible collected if the storm hadn't hit, losing out on the stuff that other people took shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but i'm working on that.
This state has a holiday tomorrow. My place of primary employment has a vacation day because of state holiday, but hey, who is the idiot who scheduled two trainings on the new scope for tomorrow? Me. Vacation day, i get paid not to be there but then, i don't get paid to be there even if I am there but i will be there and i feel like more of an idiot but i know that there's huge demand for the new scope and well i'm not going to make it worse down the line by cancelling. so I'll be there.
so I've turned the TV off.
and i reflect of no riding, good job way to get ready for CX.
but then i'm old than I was a few years ago, and i know i had zero capacity to do any meaningful work. maybe tomorrow i'll get some effort in.
maybe.
for now i sit here - hoping for sleep to come soon, trying not to focus on emptyness of all varieties, lack of contact from the crew who've left me to go to florida for the week certainly underscore my superfluousness... extra, useless... not true but can't help but recognize that's how it makes me feel.
random (not really) reach out tonight made a big difference, so thank you for that.
No one talks to me much, i know too much, terrible person to talk to, no ability to be social and whatnot. notice the trend over the years... trend of isolation... put there not by me but is there and remains. maybe that's just who i am. Good? no. Bad? i dunno... Some how vision of swimming off the rocks of Stage Fort Park come to mind at the moment.
Thinking about that a lot, more and more people talking about Richmond, and F'THAT no way is Richmond gonna take any focus from G-ster.
anyway, head up, moving forward, trudging this long lonely road, a road I've made lonely despite wishing it wasn't.
i turned the TV off at 10, yet still awake am I. early to sleep? yeah not happening.
dogs are snoring around the bed.
i'm just left here wondering
over thinking everything of course
again
heddwch
g
Saturday, August 08, 2015
Slaughter
Room 614
damn
at least the film was made in a year that doesn't make sense,
but holy shit - fight scenese are gooooooood
nad Jim Brown....
hair ...
need a cut - getting crazy
thinking Neils Albert and the rest of the euro crazy, because, well can do it myself.
don't jive me baby
how long do i stay awake...
bigger question, what will I say before I fall asleep...
g
damn
at least the film was made in a year that doesn't make sense,
but holy shit - fight scenese are gooooooood
nad Jim Brown....
hair ...
need a cut - getting crazy
thinking Neils Albert and the rest of the euro crazy, because, well can do it myself.
don't jive me baby
how long do i stay awake...
bigger question, what will I say before I fall asleep...
g
Mobile blogging thoughts
I'm at the farm, waiting for the chickens to finish eating bugs and roost.
I can't figure out the remotes here so I can't watch TV/cable.
I've eaten the fresh blackberries, had a beer (need to drive home so cutting self off at one beer)...
Today was strange. Felt great on the bike until India point park, then I was dead, couldn't pedal. Carried over to building bikes. I got the ones done I needed to, but barely made a dent in the rest. So slow... Headed home. Traffic jam at reggae fest, ugh, people.
Helped some guy with a new trek FX something, dragging brake misaligned front wheel, who ever built his new bike is an asshole, fucking JANK. So sad. But he's rolling better, not as better off if I'd had a stand and some tools. But hey help.
The ride in there was a monster pile of oak. It's gone. Just honey locust left. But hey I'm so much better off because of the storm, I have to remind myself not get bent out of shape over missing anything. Sure I could double my oak cache, but I still have a remarkable amount and that's pretty amazing and awesome.
Not easy to turn it around and be grateful. Too many times being hopeful and getting destroyed.
Life's crazy.
Maybe the chickens are ready to tuck in now.
Heddwch
G
Swype ftw
coffee, music, omelet pocket
much later start to the morning than I'd planned, but it is what it is, I'll get done what I need to get done.
haven't hit on the right pandora station yet, keep jumping around, can't figure out which one to go with, switched to station number 4 just now. we'll see if this does the trick.
been having conversations in my head all night. had a very strange dream between being awakened by the dogs or myself. finally out of bed. coffee #1 consumed, coffee #2 just finished. electric moka pot thing (Il Primo) 16-18 grams of coffee ~400ml of water. Rich deliciousness.
Current music is hitting the spot. Metallica pandora station, duh. Should have started there.
Omelet pocket. what's that? well you make an american style omelet and wrap it in a tortilla. fuck your knife and fork eat with hands.
3 farm eggs, some cabot private stock cheddar, three garlic scapes diced, one large habanero diced (seeds, white stuff and everything but the stem), some cooked seasoned ground beef left over from sweet potato taco night, salt. Cook. Then warm up the tortilla, spread sour cream on it, pile a huge mass of arugula. Fold and eat.
So much flavor, spicey but not overpowering (for me which means for most people this would be way too f'n overpowering. Layers of flavor, harmoniously awesome and satisfying.
Time for coffee #2 to join in the shower and get on the bike and head to work. at least i'll get a ride in. and yes i'll probably hook up the trailer and grab some logs on the way home, if not on the way there, or grab some and get them out of the way and bring one close load back to the house before heading all the way in. Public service yo. Or something.
heddwch
G
haven't hit on the right pandora station yet, keep jumping around, can't figure out which one to go with, switched to station number 4 just now. we'll see if this does the trick.
been having conversations in my head all night. had a very strange dream between being awakened by the dogs or myself. finally out of bed. coffee #1 consumed, coffee #2 just finished. electric moka pot thing (Il Primo) 16-18 grams of coffee ~400ml of water. Rich deliciousness.
Current music is hitting the spot. Metallica pandora station, duh. Should have started there.
Omelet pocket. what's that? well you make an american style omelet and wrap it in a tortilla. fuck your knife and fork eat with hands.
3 farm eggs, some cabot private stock cheddar, three garlic scapes diced, one large habanero diced (seeds, white stuff and everything but the stem), some cooked seasoned ground beef left over from sweet potato taco night, salt. Cook. Then warm up the tortilla, spread sour cream on it, pile a huge mass of arugula. Fold and eat.
So much flavor, spicey but not overpowering (for me which means for most people this would be way too f'n overpowering. Layers of flavor, harmoniously awesome and satisfying.
Time for coffee #2 to join in the shower and get on the bike and head to work. at least i'll get a ride in. and yes i'll probably hook up the trailer and grab some logs on the way home, if not on the way there, or grab some and get them out of the way and bring one close load back to the house before heading all the way in. Public service yo. Or something.
heddwch
G
Friday, August 07, 2015
thinking
driving back from the farm, after putting the chickens in the coop, i got thinking.
thinking is a bad thing.
terrible thing. worst possible thing to do.
i got thinking about talking to myself more here.
like last post.
but that's a f'n stupid idea...
so i'll probably do it sometime because i'm a dumbass with no self worth or ability to feel good about anything, only seeing what I could have done but didn't.
Tokeneke race talk on twitter. Miss that race. Mostly miss collegiate race there from way back when most people either hadn't been born or were still in diapers.
Wish i could do that again, but damn it makes Gloucester CX weekend look cheap, but i won't do it ever because i'm too big for that shit, possible when i was 165 in college but now? fuggedaboutit. All this moving 200# of wood in the trailer, yes doubling the "weight capacity" of the trailer. Not just moving it with my legs on the bike bit then unloading it. I've only made it to unload zone 1. I still have to set up final space, and cut/split all these big logs I've been lucky enough to help move off the path and streets.
Have i had dinner yet? Must be the burning question....
Nope.
Fuck it....
total fuck it mode...
what's the point....
not like i have a working CX bike at the moment, not like I can get more than 1 set of wheels together for CX (and keep road training heavy 32 spoke wheels and commuter wheels intact). But hey G-ster opens on Tuesday. Massive moment of panic when I thought I had scheduled a training during the G-ster race regustration opening. Hell do we need to que up the Cake video? it worked so well for 2007 season, then that Colin kid came along and suddenly no one gave a shit when they registered as long as they got in before the field closed. Aka points and shit.
good talk with Chris Bailey about how that system alienates the casual/part-time racers, but then who cares if you don't race every race?
Looking forward to racing at Riverpoint Park again. Dude Smash will be off the hook. I know Bobby Stine will get that venue f'n PRIME for the race. Now i KNOW i'm not going to be prime for the race.
Because I am not racing. I'm working. 12+ hours a day and the days I only 6 hrs, well those are sundays and hey a day off would be kind of cool. Totally ready for a mental health day, but nooooooooo. not in the cards. Hey a day off would be pretty awesome. happening? nope. So alone and no days off. this is going to be an AWESOME week,
I was mentally prepared for it but as prepared for it as you can get, once it hits, fuck it, it is real and it sucks. #novacationsummer #needavacation #novacation even though my family is on vacation, i'm here, working for the next 7 days while they vacation and stuff. Not bitter just resigned and sad. And some how a motherfucking fly has made it into the house and the motherfucker won't stop buzzing my head. And that's helping a tremendous amount. Not really.
Time to crush it like quint.
time to stop rambling before my liquid dinner hits my brain. but given the week and the fact that i've been awake since 4:30am.... i'm going to fall asleep/pass out - long before i get inebriated. #bonus
oh and yeah, i'd almost kill to have a chance to race #24hogg solo... also would love to have been racing all summer (even if that means 2-3 races) and to line up at tokeneke. I miss road racing. I miss crits. I wish i had a mt bike that was passable for mtb racing. so many wishes, shit i'd be eating fishes for dinner thn or something.
shut up gewilli
okay
seriously
----
heddwch
g
thinking is a bad thing.
terrible thing. worst possible thing to do.
i got thinking about talking to myself more here.
like last post.
but that's a f'n stupid idea...
so i'll probably do it sometime because i'm a dumbass with no self worth or ability to feel good about anything, only seeing what I could have done but didn't.
Tokeneke race talk on twitter. Miss that race. Mostly miss collegiate race there from way back when most people either hadn't been born or were still in diapers.
Wish i could do that again, but damn it makes Gloucester CX weekend look cheap, but i won't do it ever because i'm too big for that shit, possible when i was 165 in college but now? fuggedaboutit. All this moving 200# of wood in the trailer, yes doubling the "weight capacity" of the trailer. Not just moving it with my legs on the bike bit then unloading it. I've only made it to unload zone 1. I still have to set up final space, and cut/split all these big logs I've been lucky enough to help move off the path and streets.
Have i had dinner yet? Must be the burning question....
Nope.
Fuck it....
total fuck it mode...
what's the point....
not like i have a working CX bike at the moment, not like I can get more than 1 set of wheels together for CX (and keep road training heavy 32 spoke wheels and commuter wheels intact). But hey G-ster opens on Tuesday. Massive moment of panic when I thought I had scheduled a training during the G-ster race regustration opening. Hell do we need to que up the Cake video? it worked so well for 2007 season, then that Colin kid came along and suddenly no one gave a shit when they registered as long as they got in before the field closed. Aka points and shit.
good talk with Chris Bailey about how that system alienates the casual/part-time racers, but then who cares if you don't race every race?
Looking forward to racing at Riverpoint Park again. Dude Smash will be off the hook. I know Bobby Stine will get that venue f'n PRIME for the race. Now i KNOW i'm not going to be prime for the race.
Because I am not racing. I'm working. 12+ hours a day and the days I only 6 hrs, well those are sundays and hey a day off would be kind of cool. Totally ready for a mental health day, but nooooooooo. not in the cards. Hey a day off would be pretty awesome. happening? nope. So alone and no days off. this is going to be an AWESOME week,
I was mentally prepared for it but as prepared for it as you can get, once it hits, fuck it, it is real and it sucks. #novacationsummer #needavacation #novacation even though my family is on vacation, i'm here, working for the next 7 days while they vacation and stuff. Not bitter just resigned and sad. And some how a motherfucking fly has made it into the house and the motherfucker won't stop buzzing my head. And that's helping a tremendous amount. Not really.
Time to crush it like quint.
time to stop rambling before my liquid dinner hits my brain. but given the week and the fact that i've been awake since 4:30am.... i'm going to fall asleep/pass out - long before i get inebriated. #bonus
oh and yeah, i'd almost kill to have a chance to race #24hogg solo... also would love to have been racing all summer (even if that means 2-3 races) and to line up at tokeneke. I miss road racing. I miss crits. I wish i had a mt bike that was passable for mtb racing. so many wishes, shit i'd be eating fishes for dinner thn or something.
shut up gewilli
okay
seriously
----
heddwch
g
working too much
new microscope occupying every last second at work, brother's got work and had surgery and needed someone to move all the heavy shit, the storm dropped a giant pile of firewood. And...
i'm tired... all for what?
So i'm home alone while my wife and daughters are frolicing in Ft L FL for a week with the rest of that side of the family. And next week would be perfect for mental health day, except new microscope.
maybe i can find time to write.
in the mean time here's a conversation i just had with myself. Gonna paste it here and then race over to the farm to button up the chickens for the night. And it looks like i'll probably be picking up beer for dinner because, well, i'm tired, don't feel like cooking and there's nothing really to eat in the fridge except for beer cheese and eggs. not a bad combo but one that takes more effort to make something out of than I have the forces to deal with.
as the pre-amble to my talking to myself that's TMI
so anyway the conversation with myself just now:
"Hey what's for dinner?"
"What do you feel like making?"
"No inspiration, no clue."
"So what's for dinner?"
"Maybe I'll figure it out after getting back from closing up the chickens in the coop."
"But that will be late."
"okay well lets do a train low and lower night."
"those aren't fun but i'm too tired to do any intensity tonight or tomorrow anyway"
"sounds good, f'it. who needs dinner."
"are you going to get beer?"
"why?"
"We're out of beer."
"Fuuuuuuuuck."
"so?"
"yeah I'll get beer on the way home."
"Liquid sandwiches."
"Perfect."
"what you making for dinner?"
"nothing, i'm picking up some gansett tall boys and that'll be dinner."
"that's not dinner, that's terrible, you're a horrible failure."
"Shut up."
"nice reply"
"I'll make a big breakfast scramble before work tomorrow."
"fine, guess that'll have to work."
"unless you feel like making dinner."
"we've been over that."
i'm tired... all for what?
So i'm home alone while my wife and daughters are frolicing in Ft L FL for a week with the rest of that side of the family. And next week would be perfect for mental health day, except new microscope.
maybe i can find time to write.
in the mean time here's a conversation i just had with myself. Gonna paste it here and then race over to the farm to button up the chickens for the night. And it looks like i'll probably be picking up beer for dinner because, well, i'm tired, don't feel like cooking and there's nothing really to eat in the fridge except for beer cheese and eggs. not a bad combo but one that takes more effort to make something out of than I have the forces to deal with.
as the pre-amble to my talking to myself that's TMI
so anyway the conversation with myself just now:
"Hey what's for dinner?"
"What do you feel like making?"
"No inspiration, no clue."
"So what's for dinner?"
"Maybe I'll figure it out after getting back from closing up the chickens in the coop."
"But that will be late."
"okay well lets do a train low and lower night."
"those aren't fun but i'm too tired to do any intensity tonight or tomorrow anyway"
"sounds good, f'it. who needs dinner."
"are you going to get beer?"
"why?"
"We're out of beer."
"Fuuuuuuuuck."
"so?"
"yeah I'll get beer on the way home."
"Liquid sandwiches."
"Perfect."
"what you making for dinner?"
"nothing, i'm picking up some gansett tall boys and that'll be dinner."
"that's not dinner, that's terrible, you're a horrible failure."
"Shut up."
"nice reply"
"I'll make a big breakfast scramble before work tomorrow."
"fine, guess that'll have to work."
"unless you feel like making dinner."
"we've been over that."
Thursday, July 30, 2015
a significant anniversary
Ten years.
Ten years ago I left Michigan, started here for a couple weeks, went back home to finialize and pack everything up and return with the whole family and our stuff following in a van.
Stayed at my Brother's house while his family was on vacation until our apartment on the East side in PVD was ready. Our stuff arrived. A small portion went into the apartment, the rest into a barn of dubious storage qualities.
And we started the new life. The oldest started school on a journey that has been worth every sacrifice.
2005 was a big change.
I've talked through the logic of the move, and wonder what might have been if we'd stayed, but it doesn't matter, we're here, and I'd do it all over again.
Paying rent and a mortgage for 10 months on one salary for 9 of those months fiscally burried us deep. Treading water for a long time, started getting worse, so I picked up second job and then 3rd jobs when they were availible. Sold my grandfather's Fly Rods that I had been hanging on to for years to pay for a bike. Sold wheels I won one year to pay for most of CX season. Some how we've miraculously made it work. Major events, car caught fire, got a dog, dog died. Kids kicking butt in school, survived braces on one, next one to come maybe. There have been major milestones, major lows. Friends have come, friends have gone, some are still there.
Life is a process. Life is what you live what you experience. I treasure my experiences. I value the painful ones. Well not when i have clinical PTSD emotional flashbacks. Funny thing is, I've always had them. Never as bad as this but I can look back now and see that it is just who I am.
Ten years.
Ten years ago (in a few months) I showed up at Roger Williams Park to watch the Cyclocross Nationals. I was starting to not be fat, but I wasn't fast. Never have been either. But 10 years ago now, 240# and the size 38 pants I had were getting tight and I couldn't ride any of my bikes in the drops and on some of them the tops were too low. By the next summer I was back to a 34, had no clothes that fit, and was barely 185# But that's beside the fact. Showing up at RWP for CX Nats reminded me about that sport I found late in Michigan, that I couldn't keep doing working at Central with that commute. But I found it again.
fates? who knows. If Nationals weren't here in PVD in '05 and '06 would I have found the NECX community?
It has been enormously challenging, I've screwed up a giant pile of times. I hopefully won't make the same mistakes again, Just when it feels like I'm getting a handle on things it all changes.
I do really like this job, it has been inordiantely stressful this year, these next two weeks are a bit intense looking at the schedule. But I'll hopefully get through it w/o a black cloud coming in and wrecking everything. But the job, I'm good at it, it is a job that I can tell people what they are doing wrong, explain why, and how to fix it and why to fix it and they'll listen. So that's a good thing.
The Leica that was new to me and so cool when I got here in the old building... has been taken apart. 10 years ago I moved into an office with Windows. Windows. I'd been in a basement my whole career up until that point. I had windows, it was amazing. Then 18 months later they moved me back into an office w/o windows and we moved the Leica. That year World's were in L'vull and I lost my heriloom mitten we moved the Leica again and got a new two photon scope. Today I moved it back out of that room to make room for the scope that is keeping me from going to the National Microscope conference in PDX next week. New scope day. Putting it together on Monday!
I had long hair 10 years ago... I have long hair again. A bit annoying in this heat but not too bad.
Just some thoughts... writing in a positive but reflective headspace for a change.
CX is coming and I'm not prepared. Gotta figure out what to do with the black blue, single speed it or get new drivetrain and rear der. Funny thing is a rear der isn't much more than a tensioner and that's the only way we're getting chain tension correct on this beast to go true SSCX. maybe Zip tie again. I looked at the Zanc series. can't make more than 4? at most? If that? And that's assuming I do the PVD one, 3 days in a row of racing is kind of brutal. But maybe just do it to have fun, who knows. Too early to figure that out (actually schedule just posted and i'm dissapointed, gone is the 40+ but added 35+ but no 45+ and oh well they gotta make some cash i guess, maybe i'll just race friday this year).
New old race wagon to be picked up soon, need to unload the old one (did quick search for conversion into vanagon, oof that's a ton of work, nothing straight forward and total pain and unreliable unless you can turn a wrench or have really good towing package and mechanic on standby).
Too many unknowns hanging out there. But they won't stay that way forever. gotta keep plugging on
heddwch
G
Ten years ago I left Michigan, started here for a couple weeks, went back home to finialize and pack everything up and return with the whole family and our stuff following in a van.
Stayed at my Brother's house while his family was on vacation until our apartment on the East side in PVD was ready. Our stuff arrived. A small portion went into the apartment, the rest into a barn of dubious storage qualities.
And we started the new life. The oldest started school on a journey that has been worth every sacrifice.
2005 was a big change.
I've talked through the logic of the move, and wonder what might have been if we'd stayed, but it doesn't matter, we're here, and I'd do it all over again.
Paying rent and a mortgage for 10 months on one salary for 9 of those months fiscally burried us deep. Treading water for a long time, started getting worse, so I picked up second job and then 3rd jobs when they were availible. Sold my grandfather's Fly Rods that I had been hanging on to for years to pay for a bike. Sold wheels I won one year to pay for most of CX season. Some how we've miraculously made it work. Major events, car caught fire, got a dog, dog died. Kids kicking butt in school, survived braces on one, next one to come maybe. There have been major milestones, major lows. Friends have come, friends have gone, some are still there.
Life is a process. Life is what you live what you experience. I treasure my experiences. I value the painful ones. Well not when i have clinical PTSD emotional flashbacks. Funny thing is, I've always had them. Never as bad as this but I can look back now and see that it is just who I am.
Ten years.
Ten years ago (in a few months) I showed up at Roger Williams Park to watch the Cyclocross Nationals. I was starting to not be fat, but I wasn't fast. Never have been either. But 10 years ago now, 240# and the size 38 pants I had were getting tight and I couldn't ride any of my bikes in the drops and on some of them the tops were too low. By the next summer I was back to a 34, had no clothes that fit, and was barely 185# But that's beside the fact. Showing up at RWP for CX Nats reminded me about that sport I found late in Michigan, that I couldn't keep doing working at Central with that commute. But I found it again.
fates? who knows. If Nationals weren't here in PVD in '05 and '06 would I have found the NECX community?
It has been enormously challenging, I've screwed up a giant pile of times. I hopefully won't make the same mistakes again, Just when it feels like I'm getting a handle on things it all changes.
I do really like this job, it has been inordiantely stressful this year, these next two weeks are a bit intense looking at the schedule. But I'll hopefully get through it w/o a black cloud coming in and wrecking everything. But the job, I'm good at it, it is a job that I can tell people what they are doing wrong, explain why, and how to fix it and why to fix it and they'll listen. So that's a good thing.
The Leica that was new to me and so cool when I got here in the old building... has been taken apart. 10 years ago I moved into an office with Windows. Windows. I'd been in a basement my whole career up until that point. I had windows, it was amazing. Then 18 months later they moved me back into an office w/o windows and we moved the Leica. That year World's were in L'vull and I lost my heriloom mitten we moved the Leica again and got a new two photon scope. Today I moved it back out of that room to make room for the scope that is keeping me from going to the National Microscope conference in PDX next week. New scope day. Putting it together on Monday!
I had long hair 10 years ago... I have long hair again. A bit annoying in this heat but not too bad.
Just some thoughts... writing in a positive but reflective headspace for a change.
CX is coming and I'm not prepared. Gotta figure out what to do with the black blue, single speed it or get new drivetrain and rear der. Funny thing is a rear der isn't much more than a tensioner and that's the only way we're getting chain tension correct on this beast to go true SSCX. maybe Zip tie again. I looked at the Zanc series. can't make more than 4? at most? If that? And that's assuming I do the PVD one, 3 days in a row of racing is kind of brutal. But maybe just do it to have fun, who knows. Too early to figure that out (actually schedule just posted and i'm dissapointed, gone is the 40+ but added 35+ but no 45+ and oh well they gotta make some cash i guess, maybe i'll just race friday this year).
New old race wagon to be picked up soon, need to unload the old one (did quick search for conversion into vanagon, oof that's a ton of work, nothing straight forward and total pain and unreliable unless you can turn a wrench or have really good towing package and mechanic on standby).
Too many unknowns hanging out there. But they won't stay that way forever. gotta keep plugging on
heddwch
G
Sunday, July 26, 2015
sunday musings
Cancer, a combination of Carolyn's article about the recent study, listening to the Radio Lab's podcast with Oliver Sacks after reading: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/26/opinion/my-periodic-table.html
take this spoiler to Carolyn's peice:
[quote]....It also challenges one of the biggest prevailing ideas about cancer: the analogy to a battle.
The study suggests "that equating treatment with hope is inappropriate," Charles Blanke and Erik Fromme wrote. "Even when oncologists communicate clearly about prognosis and are honest about the limitations of treatment, many patients feel immense pressure to continue treatment. Patients with end-stage cancer are encouraged by friends and family to keep fighting, but the battle analogy itself can portray the dying patient as a loser and should be discouraged."[/quote]
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2015/07/23/the-end-of-life-discussion-that-has-nothing-to-do-with-costs/
then to a friend's comment about his MIL's recent passing from lung cancer, and his frustration with the common phrasing "she lost the battle" wishing in place he could put in her obit "Fuck Cancer"
Lead to a moment of sunday afternoon reflection...
I've always found it odd to call it a fight. Waging war against a disease that originates outside of you, like a virus, bacterial infection, fungal infection, foreign host, that makes sense. But cancer is a war against yourself. A civil war, if it had to be classified.
I don't have an answer, I hate cancer, I hate how it has taken far too many people. But it does mental injustice to call it a battle when most can never win. Some can prolong the end, and arguably many forms if caught soon enough are treatable. But that doesn't mean those who make a full recovery are winners, they are lucky/fortunate, they didn't win a battle or a fight. And at the same time those who don't manage to send the errant cells and rapid uncontrolled proliferation packing are not losers, they didn't lose the fight to cancer.
I see how it can work that way, calling it a battle. but Battle in most modern societies demands fighting, and fighting often comes at a higher cost. Paid in quality of life, expense, pain. Medicine is pretty good, not perfect, but they are fairly competant at predicting outcomes, but also more prone to pushing end of term chemo that may make someone's last 6 months miserable with no change in outcome.
Like my friend Mark. For six months he endured monthly administrations of Chemo in a last ditch effort that was arguably completely wasted, the brain cancer had come back and spread and operation wasn't an option. Once a month isn't a big deal, but that's 6 weeks out of his last 6 months when he was too sick to do anything, in too much pain to do more than be confined to bed.
is it really a battle? is it really a war?
isn't there a better way to think/talk about it?
I don't have an answer, other than hopefully science can figure cancer out someday, figure out a way to treat it without killing the patient.
My opinion is pretty irrelevant, O vox in deserto
but it is mine, and i can share it here,
heddwch
G
take this spoiler to Carolyn's peice:
[quote]....It also challenges one of the biggest prevailing ideas about cancer: the analogy to a battle.
The study suggests "that equating treatment with hope is inappropriate," Charles Blanke and Erik Fromme wrote. "Even when oncologists communicate clearly about prognosis and are honest about the limitations of treatment, many patients feel immense pressure to continue treatment. Patients with end-stage cancer are encouraged by friends and family to keep fighting, but the battle analogy itself can portray the dying patient as a loser and should be discouraged."[/quote]
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2015/07/23/the-end-of-life-discussion-that-has-nothing-to-do-with-costs/
then to a friend's comment about his MIL's recent passing from lung cancer, and his frustration with the common phrasing "she lost the battle" wishing in place he could put in her obit "Fuck Cancer"
Lead to a moment of sunday afternoon reflection...
I've always found it odd to call it a fight. Waging war against a disease that originates outside of you, like a virus, bacterial infection, fungal infection, foreign host, that makes sense. But cancer is a war against yourself. A civil war, if it had to be classified.
I don't have an answer, I hate cancer, I hate how it has taken far too many people. But it does mental injustice to call it a battle when most can never win. Some can prolong the end, and arguably many forms if caught soon enough are treatable. But that doesn't mean those who make a full recovery are winners, they are lucky/fortunate, they didn't win a battle or a fight. And at the same time those who don't manage to send the errant cells and rapid uncontrolled proliferation packing are not losers, they didn't lose the fight to cancer.
I see how it can work that way, calling it a battle. but Battle in most modern societies demands fighting, and fighting often comes at a higher cost. Paid in quality of life, expense, pain. Medicine is pretty good, not perfect, but they are fairly competant at predicting outcomes, but also more prone to pushing end of term chemo that may make someone's last 6 months miserable with no change in outcome.
Like my friend Mark. For six months he endured monthly administrations of Chemo in a last ditch effort that was arguably completely wasted, the brain cancer had come back and spread and operation wasn't an option. Once a month isn't a big deal, but that's 6 weeks out of his last 6 months when he was too sick to do anything, in too much pain to do more than be confined to bed.
is it really a battle? is it really a war?
isn't there a better way to think/talk about it?
I don't have an answer, other than hopefully science can figure cancer out someday, figure out a way to treat it without killing the patient.
My opinion is pretty irrelevant, O vox in deserto
but it is mine, and i can share it here,
heddwch
G
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
reading the confusion and pain and everything away
hopefully reading will keep me from sending emails at night...
reading next book...
total LOL moment at this point:
Log Entry Sol 61
How come Aquaman can control whales? They're mammals! Makes no sense.
reading
pulling back
drinking a beer, wondering how to proceed.
Lost but encouraged at a botanist as a hero in a book/movie/blockbuster thing.
cooking dinner now
split focus
trying to find the balance
found some amazing powers of positivity in someone today, scares the crap out of me in some ways, relishes the boost in others. accepting the death certificate of the enthusiastic Ge Dub and finding only the who gives a shit left. but that's what getting older is like, right? I'm old.
a pause in making dinner prompted me to post... more specifically I'm reading while cooking and a line in the book (soon to be movie release) cemented the commentary.
i wish at times i had skin thicker than a gentically augmented armadillo
my brain, emotions, gordian knot... i mentioned that phrase to someone recently... seemingly resonating echoing and reverbarating and being more and more true with each bounce.
the one thing I'm realizing, there are an amazing amoutn of teathers keeping it together.. or holding it in place, or keeping it from exploding in a self destructive manner.
Life eh?
Welsh Dragons are f'n hard to figure out.... harder to subdue and kill...
heddwch
g
reading next book...
total LOL moment at this point:
Log Entry Sol 61
How come Aquaman can control whales? They're mammals! Makes no sense.
reading
pulling back
drinking a beer, wondering how to proceed.
Lost but encouraged at a botanist as a hero in a book/movie/blockbuster thing.
cooking dinner now
split focus
trying to find the balance
found some amazing powers of positivity in someone today, scares the crap out of me in some ways, relishes the boost in others. accepting the death certificate of the enthusiastic Ge Dub and finding only the who gives a shit left. but that's what getting older is like, right? I'm old.
a pause in making dinner prompted me to post... more specifically I'm reading while cooking and a line in the book (soon to be movie release) cemented the commentary.
i wish at times i had skin thicker than a gentically augmented armadillo
my brain, emotions, gordian knot... i mentioned that phrase to someone recently... seemingly resonating echoing and reverbarating and being more and more true with each bounce.
the one thing I'm realizing, there are an amazing amoutn of teathers keeping it together.. or holding it in place, or keeping it from exploding in a self destructive manner.
Life eh?
Welsh Dragons are f'n hard to figure out.... harder to subdue and kill...
heddwch
g
need a better filter
at least on nights when I have maybe that one extra beer adding to extra stress and all the rest
writing words that are not untrue, in that they reflected the moment and my thoughts and are me, but maybe shouldn't be said because while they may be felt and the emotions are real to me, they may only exist in my head.
the ever changing routine of the summer schedule has made it challenging to get anything done this week, and tough to really get any measurable riding. Maybe tomorrow will make some difference.
have to get through today, currently in the hurry up and wait, get everything ready. poised for the next burst of insanity and barely workable timing.
too many unknowns
too many days working, but days off, or days not working are so filled with catching up and other stuff they aren't feeling restful. vacation? needed, not going to happen. yeah. i need to let it go and just focus on what needs to happen for everyone around me.
seeing Kelrock yesterday drove home how little i'm able to focus on being prepared for the potential of CX season, drivetrain on the black blue, aka commuter, is now at the point where it is skipping under any torque spikes in many gears. Hasn't broken yet though. Not really rideable though I suppose, well nothing that can be used to train on. I've started putting the white blue together, but that's been stalled by just being too tired to do anything once I finally get dinner made and eaten. Maybe tonight.
It is what it is. cycles. some days lucid, some days insane, most days just feel like an endless maze...
heddwch
g
writing words that are not untrue, in that they reflected the moment and my thoughts and are me, but maybe shouldn't be said because while they may be felt and the emotions are real to me, they may only exist in my head.
the ever changing routine of the summer schedule has made it challenging to get anything done this week, and tough to really get any measurable riding. Maybe tomorrow will make some difference.
have to get through today, currently in the hurry up and wait, get everything ready. poised for the next burst of insanity and barely workable timing.
too many unknowns
too many days working, but days off, or days not working are so filled with catching up and other stuff they aren't feeling restful. vacation? needed, not going to happen. yeah. i need to let it go and just focus on what needs to happen for everyone around me.
seeing Kelrock yesterday drove home how little i'm able to focus on being prepared for the potential of CX season, drivetrain on the black blue, aka commuter, is now at the point where it is skipping under any torque spikes in many gears. Hasn't broken yet though. Not really rideable though I suppose, well nothing that can be used to train on. I've started putting the white blue together, but that's been stalled by just being too tired to do anything once I finally get dinner made and eaten. Maybe tonight.
It is what it is. cycles. some days lucid, some days insane, most days just feel like an endless maze...
heddwch
g
Monday, July 20, 2015
eating... thoughts on how to help people not be fat
So, in short it is an easy answer, eat mindful of insulin spikes relative to time of day and training load.
Less short: do high intensity training (sprints, 20/20s, 2x20 min) very early in the day when muscle glycogen stores are the highest from overnight, and avoid eating sugars (including whole grains, drink mix.. etc) before dinner (meaning low to no carb intake until the evening). Dinner you can allow a bit of extra leeway because muscle glycogen and fatty acid storage supplies (batteries) are low and you won't make it worse. Also boost of blood glucose will help with sleeping. Aka have beer with dinner.
Breakfast is the most important meal. But if you aren't hungry don't eat. If you are hungry: no carbs. egg, some nice grass fed cheese, slice tomato, some sausage or other sugar free meat (aka the big problem with bacon is it is pretty sweet), skip the toast, the potatoes, and the other baked stuff... (unless you're racing them fucking eat everything that morning). It is possible to eat a vegan breakfast that makes sense w/in these guidelines, but takes a bit more creativity (and lots of avocados) mmm yummy.
Eat when hungry not when need to, but if you don't spike the insulin when you eat you will actually use most of what you eat. Spiking insulin (in addition to overworking your pancreas and leading to Type 2 diabetes or insulin resistance -worse) spiking it turns on the body's mechanism that makes those calories you just ate inaccessible, aka they get stored for use later as fat, but if you are always spiking the insulin you'll never tap into them without a ton of work. And the more practical issue is you will be hungry sooner if you eat an insulin spiking breakfast because the food you ate isn't available to be used as fuel beacuse it has been stored as fat.
Getting to more ideal body weight is difficult, but not impossible, and once you're at the point where your body fat is down in the single digit range you can add more insulin foods more frequently, just keeping in mind satiation and everything else.
Downside to not getting enough protein (no need for more than 30grams at any meal) in the AM is you won't have the building blocks for hormone synthesis, muscle repair, and the rest of the stuff that happens when you're awake. Some of all that happens at night but: you wake up having depleted amino-acid reserves, but topped up glycogen reserves. So you need to restock the protein or your body is going to send hunger signals until you have what you need (adding to the hunger signals from the inslulin spike impact). IF you start the day with a bowl of cereal and OJ or a stack of pancakes and OJ (ALL THE JUICE) then you won't get the protein and you'll spike insulin and since glycogen is topped the sugar gets turned into sticky fats, and those are what lead to heart disease and fatness.
Dietary cholesterol has nothing to do with blood cholesterol levels, eating lots of grains/sugars/drinking juice and soda will elevate your bad cholesterol numbers, and yes - forget oatmeal (for breakfast at least, unless it is second breakfast on CXy race day).
Timing and Training play into it all obviously, it can even be pretty simple: Have pasta for dinner, use whole grains so it realeases a bit more slowly, have pancakeswaffles for dinner if you're really craving them. Just not for breakfast.
The paleo stuff is one thing but I think it is a bit too restrictive and misses the mark on a few things, but hits it pretty well on others.
Best resource right now: http://realmealrevolution.com/real-food-lists they sell stuff and are South African Based buuuuuut, on the money. Their guidelines are good.
Caveat: they don't take into account high intensity sprint training/racing. Those demand high glycogen fueling levels, but not carb loading level, just topped up. Eating zero carbs will be brilliant for your weight, but it will make you feel sluggish in CX (and CX style sprint training, but is a good reason to do the high intensity worksouts early in the morning with topped up muscle stores). Flip side: going zero carbs and being completely fat adapted is the absolute IDEAL for endurance cycling (3+ hours). No need for sugar, plenty of fuel to ride all day and all night. Marathon and Triathlons and stuff are well suited athlete for this, CX is sprinty, you generally need glycogen fueled fibers, so need a bit of sugar base, but eating it at night will top up stores w/o making more fatness/hunger a problem and leave you ready to crush it the next day.
Another point to add: variation. Switch it up, don't let the body get in a routine, work within the goals but throw some mis-direction. Long long ride on just coffee and water in the AM. Deplete the glycogen first thing and then take a nap, let your body figure out how to replace it w/o eating right away. Have some days when you have pasta for lunch AND dinner. Evening (before dinner) training races are a great time to add a lunch with rice or pasta or potatoes, making sure the glycogen is all topped up before the intensity. If the next day is a heavy training load refuel and replace the spent calories. If it is a rest day, just have a salad, or a meal heavy on veggies and light on everything else.
Getting to the target weight and staying there are different, but the effort and mindfullness to get there should form good habits that will help stay there.
Yes, I've said lots of negative judgemental comments about people and what they eat, I'm sorry, I just am really bad at being a human being most of the time. But I care, so I took an email and tweaked it and added to it a bit here. Actually toned down the language a bit.
Final point. Low glycemic index/high glycemic index foods: they are all bad because they are generally sugar based, and even the low GI will spike insulin (not as much, BUT if you're trying to keep from increasing the fat being stored, the goal is not to store anymore w/o burning it as a fuel source).
Helpful? Maybe not to anyone else but myself, but at least it is a start of a chapter in my cookbook (that will likely never getting written).
Less short: do high intensity training (sprints, 20/20s, 2x20 min) very early in the day when muscle glycogen stores are the highest from overnight, and avoid eating sugars (including whole grains, drink mix.. etc) before dinner (meaning low to no carb intake until the evening). Dinner you can allow a bit of extra leeway because muscle glycogen and fatty acid storage supplies (batteries) are low and you won't make it worse. Also boost of blood glucose will help with sleeping. Aka have beer with dinner.
Breakfast is the most important meal. But if you aren't hungry don't eat. If you are hungry: no carbs. egg, some nice grass fed cheese, slice tomato, some sausage or other sugar free meat (aka the big problem with bacon is it is pretty sweet), skip the toast, the potatoes, and the other baked stuff... (unless you're racing them fucking eat everything that morning). It is possible to eat a vegan breakfast that makes sense w/in these guidelines, but takes a bit more creativity (and lots of avocados) mmm yummy.
Eat when hungry not when need to, but if you don't spike the insulin when you eat you will actually use most of what you eat. Spiking insulin (in addition to overworking your pancreas and leading to Type 2 diabetes or insulin resistance -worse) spiking it turns on the body's mechanism that makes those calories you just ate inaccessible, aka they get stored for use later as fat, but if you are always spiking the insulin you'll never tap into them without a ton of work. And the more practical issue is you will be hungry sooner if you eat an insulin spiking breakfast because the food you ate isn't available to be used as fuel beacuse it has been stored as fat.
Getting to more ideal body weight is difficult, but not impossible, and once you're at the point where your body fat is down in the single digit range you can add more insulin foods more frequently, just keeping in mind satiation and everything else.
Downside to not getting enough protein (no need for more than 30grams at any meal) in the AM is you won't have the building blocks for hormone synthesis, muscle repair, and the rest of the stuff that happens when you're awake. Some of all that happens at night but: you wake up having depleted amino-acid reserves, but topped up glycogen reserves. So you need to restock the protein or your body is going to send hunger signals until you have what you need (adding to the hunger signals from the inslulin spike impact). IF you start the day with a bowl of cereal and OJ or a stack of pancakes and OJ (ALL THE JUICE) then you won't get the protein and you'll spike insulin and since glycogen is topped the sugar gets turned into sticky fats, and those are what lead to heart disease and fatness.
Dietary cholesterol has nothing to do with blood cholesterol levels, eating lots of grains/sugars/drinking juice and soda will elevate your bad cholesterol numbers, and yes - forget oatmeal (for breakfast at least, unless it is second breakfast on CXy race day).
Timing and Training play into it all obviously, it can even be pretty simple: Have pasta for dinner, use whole grains so it realeases a bit more slowly, have pancakeswaffles for dinner if you're really craving them. Just not for breakfast.
The paleo stuff is one thing but I think it is a bit too restrictive and misses the mark on a few things, but hits it pretty well on others.
Best resource right now: http://realmealrevolution.com/real-food-lists they sell stuff and are South African Based buuuuuut, on the money. Their guidelines are good.
Caveat: they don't take into account high intensity sprint training/racing. Those demand high glycogen fueling levels, but not carb loading level, just topped up. Eating zero carbs will be brilliant for your weight, but it will make you feel sluggish in CX (and CX style sprint training, but is a good reason to do the high intensity worksouts early in the morning with topped up muscle stores). Flip side: going zero carbs and being completely fat adapted is the absolute IDEAL for endurance cycling (3+ hours). No need for sugar, plenty of fuel to ride all day and all night. Marathon and Triathlons and stuff are well suited athlete for this, CX is sprinty, you generally need glycogen fueled fibers, so need a bit of sugar base, but eating it at night will top up stores w/o making more fatness/hunger a problem and leave you ready to crush it the next day.
Another point to add: variation. Switch it up, don't let the body get in a routine, work within the goals but throw some mis-direction. Long long ride on just coffee and water in the AM. Deplete the glycogen first thing and then take a nap, let your body figure out how to replace it w/o eating right away. Have some days when you have pasta for lunch AND dinner. Evening (before dinner) training races are a great time to add a lunch with rice or pasta or potatoes, making sure the glycogen is all topped up before the intensity. If the next day is a heavy training load refuel and replace the spent calories. If it is a rest day, just have a salad, or a meal heavy on veggies and light on everything else.
Getting to the target weight and staying there are different, but the effort and mindfullness to get there should form good habits that will help stay there.
Yes, I've said lots of negative judgemental comments about people and what they eat, I'm sorry, I just am really bad at being a human being most of the time. But I care, so I took an email and tweaked it and added to it a bit here. Actually toned down the language a bit.
Final point. Low glycemic index/high glycemic index foods: they are all bad because they are generally sugar based, and even the low GI will spike insulin (not as much, BUT if you're trying to keep from increasing the fat being stored, the goal is not to store anymore w/o burning it as a fuel source).
Helpful? Maybe not to anyone else but myself, but at least it is a start of a chapter in my cookbook (that will likely never getting written).
1Z TDI motor+transmission $2k OBO
1996 B4V Donor Shell and good motor, ~251k miles on engine and body.
timing belt done at 245,000
Starts perfectly, no smoke in summer, some smoke at start up in winter but no smoke once warm.
Clean running, smooth, and well maintained engine.
Comes with transmission and clutch that has less than 30k miles on it.
Wiring harness isn't great but it works.
Complete ECU, intercooler, intake, and exhaust pipes.
Body is fading due to NE salt cancer, engine is on a rolling test bed so to speak. Chasiss kind of barely passed Rhode Island's thorough inspection with some kneeling, and begging and promises of body work. It drives but, lets just say 1996 wasn't a good year for VW body steel and sodium chloride.
What it does need are the IP seals ($20 from Dieselgeek) and if you're going to use it as a project and have the chance to pull the bell housing off, a rear main seal is ready to be changed.
Other than that it is a smooth running, starts every time, engine. Head gasket re-done at 210k or so, downpipe replaced at 220-230k it is newish (good condition used part replaced rusted old one).
Injectors replaced with acceptably tested and vetted low mileage set. Have uninstalled new in box set of brand new fat boy Bosio injector nozzles available, and for the right deal a additional complete spare set of injectors.
Time to move on. It has a Rhode Island inspection tag valid until 6/16. It will go most anywhere, come and get it and drive it to your ideal rust free donor car (bring plates).
timing belt done at 245,000
Starts perfectly, no smoke in summer, some smoke at start up in winter but no smoke once warm.
Clean running, smooth, and well maintained engine.
Comes with transmission and clutch that has less than 30k miles on it.
Wiring harness isn't great but it works.
Complete ECU, intercooler, intake, and exhaust pipes.
Body is fading due to NE salt cancer, engine is on a rolling test bed so to speak. Chasiss kind of barely passed Rhode Island's thorough inspection with some kneeling, and begging and promises of body work. It drives but, lets just say 1996 wasn't a good year for VW body steel and sodium chloride.
What it does need are the IP seals ($20 from Dieselgeek) and if you're going to use it as a project and have the chance to pull the bell housing off, a rear main seal is ready to be changed.
Other than that it is a smooth running, starts every time, engine. Head gasket re-done at 210k or so, downpipe replaced at 220-230k it is newish (good condition used part replaced rusted old one).
Injectors replaced with acceptably tested and vetted low mileage set. Have uninstalled new in box set of brand new fat boy Bosio injector nozzles available, and for the right deal a additional complete spare set of injectors.
Time to move on. It has a Rhode Island inspection tag valid until 6/16. It will go most anywhere, come and get it and drive it to your ideal rust free donor car (bring plates).
Thursday, July 16, 2015
weird moments
when it clarifies...
mostly that it is clear most people don't understand what I'm saying or how I'm saying it or why or the motivations.
no i don't hate people I am frustrated with their potential they aren't realizing because they are following advice based on wrong theorys.
i know i fail in more ways than most do, not trying to put myself up as a measure against anyone. Tis the life of the recluse the awkward guy who's always staring and watching.
I was tipped off that people noticed that shit not until well into college. my sister said something to a friend while we were waiting to go into the opera with my mother. it was uncomfortable enough that i remember it vividly 20+ years later.
been thinking and not writing (and just being too busy to write)
i said it on twitter tonight...
it fits...
no one gets it - or gives me any more slack than enough to hang myself for being like that...
hate myself for seeing their failinngs of the people in light of their potential.
'the people' are wonderful and deserve love... the people who didn't give them knowledge or teach them correctly failed them.
but then those who come later who try and help, out of goodness of soul get pissed on by negative d'bags because it is funny.
THAT statement is just mine, a reactionary reflection.
People find different stuff funny, as funny as they find an attempt to help offensive. Or seemingly funnier.
Good Bad... it is what it is.
spent a while introspecting about it can't get it down coherently
obviously my thoughts are unformed and still a mess about all this, but thinking about it.
but then the time and space to think and reflect are absent enough to make this process drag on way too long...
but hey... i'm not one of the wealthy ones... i ain't got no money, no matter how hard I work. but i'm sure that reflects as badly on myself as my desire to try and help people reach their potential.
even if most people see my attempt to help as a negative put down, and a way i'm trying to position myself as superior which it is the furthest from.
hey people's perceptions are their perceptions improbably correct...
just trying to be helpering, but perception and perspective are more important than truth and intention
so f'it
maybe i have it out of my system and I can go another good handful of years w/o giving a shit about anyone else... if I didn't give a shit i would just be quiet.
I only point out ways to help and maybe improve if i care.
But of course manyof the good intentions are generally not undestrood that way.
And that's my fault. And I will bear the pain and shame of recognizing that my attempt to help just alienates and makes it worse. Add it to the malestrom in my head, won't make but a lick of difference unless i'm out of balance and feeling alone and ignored.
Those who critique my delivery are correct. I can divorce myself enough from my point of view to see their point but then I can also explain it so as to understand it but no one affords the chance to allow or listen to explaination, and if explainaintion happend before no one would listen anyway.so yeah
maybe web log has hit the point of peak no give a shit ness.
should go back to a year or two ago of just not f'n writing.
It is weird eh?
I think so.
If i could explain it totally maybe I could fix it.
But then stuff I can explain totally i can't fix so...
or if I try to help fix people i'm trying to help just inccorectly feel like i'm judging them and stuff...
goes back to something
the in person vs online persona...
being genuine in person and seeming like a total d'bag online, all coming down to how someone reads the face saying the worlds, how someone reacts to the body language...
or does that really not matter at all...
weird moments. feeling better, then crippled...
overcome, but can't stop and eventually recover from the stumble...
seeing stuff that makes others uncomfortable but now more self aware that i stand out
"the awkward creepy quiet guy in the corner staring at everyone"
i can't be anyone else but me, no matter how hard I've tried for too many years...
heddwch
G
live and delete, digital world may change between clicking 'publish' and tomorrow... but does it matter? nope.
--minor editing after reading it this morning after not sleeping last night--
mostly that it is clear most people don't understand what I'm saying or how I'm saying it or why or the motivations.
no i don't hate people I am frustrated with their potential they aren't realizing because they are following advice based on wrong theorys.
i know i fail in more ways than most do, not trying to put myself up as a measure against anyone. Tis the life of the recluse the awkward guy who's always staring and watching.
I was tipped off that people noticed that shit not until well into college. my sister said something to a friend while we were waiting to go into the opera with my mother. it was uncomfortable enough that i remember it vividly 20+ years later.
been thinking and not writing (and just being too busy to write)
i said it on twitter tonight...
it fits...
no one gets it - or gives me any more slack than enough to hang myself for being like that...
hate myself for seeing their failinngs of the people in light of their potential.
'the people' are wonderful and deserve love... the people who didn't give them knowledge or teach them correctly failed them.
but then those who come later who try and help, out of goodness of soul get pissed on by negative d'bags because it is funny.
THAT statement is just mine, a reactionary reflection.
People find different stuff funny, as funny as they find an attempt to help offensive. Or seemingly funnier.
Good Bad... it is what it is.
spent a while introspecting about it can't get it down coherently
obviously my thoughts are unformed and still a mess about all this, but thinking about it.
but then the time and space to think and reflect are absent enough to make this process drag on way too long...
but hey... i'm not one of the wealthy ones... i ain't got no money, no matter how hard I work. but i'm sure that reflects as badly on myself as my desire to try and help people reach their potential.
even if most people see my attempt to help as a negative put down, and a way i'm trying to position myself as superior which it is the furthest from.
hey people's perceptions are their perceptions improbably correct...
just trying to be helpering, but perception and perspective are more important than truth and intention
so f'it
maybe i have it out of my system and I can go another good handful of years w/o giving a shit about anyone else... if I didn't give a shit i would just be quiet.
I only point out ways to help and maybe improve if i care.
But of course manyof the good intentions are generally not undestrood that way.
And that's my fault. And I will bear the pain and shame of recognizing that my attempt to help just alienates and makes it worse. Add it to the malestrom in my head, won't make but a lick of difference unless i'm out of balance and feeling alone and ignored.
Those who critique my delivery are correct. I can divorce myself enough from my point of view to see their point but then I can also explain it so as to understand it but no one affords the chance to allow or listen to explaination, and if explainaintion happend before no one would listen anyway.so yeah
maybe web log has hit the point of peak no give a shit ness.
should go back to a year or two ago of just not f'n writing.
It is weird eh?
I think so.
If i could explain it totally maybe I could fix it.
But then stuff I can explain totally i can't fix so...
or if I try to help fix people i'm trying to help just inccorectly feel like i'm judging them and stuff...
goes back to something
the in person vs online persona...
being genuine in person and seeming like a total d'bag online, all coming down to how someone reads the face saying the worlds, how someone reacts to the body language...
or does that really not matter at all...
weird moments. feeling better, then crippled...
overcome, but can't stop and eventually recover from the stumble...
seeing stuff that makes others uncomfortable but now more self aware that i stand out
"the awkward creepy quiet guy in the corner staring at everyone"
i can't be anyone else but me, no matter how hard I've tried for too many years...
heddwch
G
live and delete, digital world may change between clicking 'publish' and tomorrow... but does it matter? nope.
--minor editing after reading it this morning after not sleeping last night--
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
dance between the rain drops
the weather has been unsettled here...
but on all the little trips by bike the worst was this AM getting a few drops on me.
made it to the job site down the road and back between thunderstorms.
timing more on everything other than paying attention to the radar.
currently awake, trying to wind down enough to sleep so i can wake up and be over at the job site at 6am...
tonight was "unload tools and stuff" "install ridge vents" and finally "put up the R13 on the walls and the R19 on the roof. Home owner clusterfuck addition needs some pro-level work.
I'm sure I screwed it up some how. I usually do. But I've screwed up less than some others i've watched people work with. Hopefully the GC is okay with the work i did. He left me there, but he's gonna be back at 4am, i'll probably try and head over to be there at 6 or so.
Early, but coming up with cash to replace the rusty race wagon doesn't happen all the time, must capitalize on the opportunity.
And no, Solobreak, no... I don't feel or think in any way i'm superior to anyone, A+ job at button pushing, F at demonstrating that you know me, other than I realize you're just pushing buttons. I would assume feeling superior would lead to confidence. How much do i have? Yeah. Okay. So. Observations, clarity in connections... are just that. Crystalization of the truth (and not some abject abstract distortion of what is called the truth... the truth) is motivating. I'm not perfect. Pretty sure I've never claimed to do anything right except chop an onion. Doing so much wrong, is a really good way to prevent, in any way, from feeling superior.
But comments? hell at least it was a comment. #winning
Or not.
Point being, catching that comment early yesterday had me worried about what i might have written and not realized, but then i read it and had no problems after a cup of coffee or two. I'm sure a copy editor would have a feild day but I don't find any problem with connotation in that post.
This one? i'll probably wake up and delete it wholesale
BUT break through - the four people still reading blogs: Solobreak, Blancosuave, Fatmarc, and Velocb.....
at least we have that identified... a couple of them actually still have web logs!
Tomorrow is gonna be fun... looks like working all three jobs, we do what we gotta do eh?
work work work... nose to the grindstone...
hewddch
G
but on all the little trips by bike the worst was this AM getting a few drops on me.
made it to the job site down the road and back between thunderstorms.
timing more on everything other than paying attention to the radar.
currently awake, trying to wind down enough to sleep so i can wake up and be over at the job site at 6am...
tonight was "unload tools and stuff" "install ridge vents" and finally "put up the R13 on the walls and the R19 on the roof. Home owner clusterfuck addition needs some pro-level work.
I'm sure I screwed it up some how. I usually do. But I've screwed up less than some others i've watched people work with. Hopefully the GC is okay with the work i did. He left me there, but he's gonna be back at 4am, i'll probably try and head over to be there at 6 or so.
Early, but coming up with cash to replace the rusty race wagon doesn't happen all the time, must capitalize on the opportunity.
And no, Solobreak, no... I don't feel or think in any way i'm superior to anyone, A+ job at button pushing, F at demonstrating that you know me, other than I realize you're just pushing buttons. I would assume feeling superior would lead to confidence. How much do i have? Yeah. Okay. So. Observations, clarity in connections... are just that. Crystalization of the truth (and not some abject abstract distortion of what is called the truth... the truth) is motivating. I'm not perfect. Pretty sure I've never claimed to do anything right except chop an onion. Doing so much wrong, is a really good way to prevent, in any way, from feeling superior.
But comments? hell at least it was a comment. #winning
Or not.
Point being, catching that comment early yesterday had me worried about what i might have written and not realized, but then i read it and had no problems after a cup of coffee or two. I'm sure a copy editor would have a feild day but I don't find any problem with connotation in that post.
This one? i'll probably wake up and delete it wholesale
BUT break through - the four people still reading blogs: Solobreak, Blancosuave, Fatmarc, and Velocb.....
at least we have that identified... a couple of them actually still have web logs!
Tomorrow is gonna be fun... looks like working all three jobs, we do what we gotta do eh?
work work work... nose to the grindstone...
hewddch
G
Monday, July 13, 2015
working on another post...
much in the vein of the last one about heat.
unsolicited advice always goes unheaded.
Solicited advice usually does too unless it is accompanied by transfer of dollar bills.
People love the 21 day challenge.
It is dumb, but better than some.
Hey lets get people to spend too much money on color coded plasticware. And give them a "plan" that helps, but makes them dependent on us because it is just good enough to work without actually telling them why and giving them the education to understand how f'n bad their food choices were.
Yeah Solobreak, it is a free country, people make their own choices. And if you're on the bike path down here, you'll notice the same people, out, every day. literally out there exercising everday, but still have an excessive body fat %. Doing everything everyone has told them to do. Get exercise, eat low fat, have a smoothie, oooh fruit smoothies are so goood for you, FRUIT! OMG HEALTHY.
fuuuuuuuuuck
There are a shit ton of processes going on in the body, king pin in cancer, and fatness, and the rest of the preventable diseases plauging people is insulin driven. That wee little componnd has the most incredible far reaching pathway, so complex people can easily ignore it or due to level of interaction often ignore it in favor of other stuff. Hey your insulin is wack, keep eating the garbage, here, what you were eating killed your pancreatic function so lets give you one of them insulin pumps.
Type 1 diabetes? genetically a raw deal you have every sympathy, Type 2? man why would you subject yourself to that and why would you want to pretend it isn't 100% reversable? Oh because there's way more of you than the T1 people, and the companies making insulin wouldn't have a shit ton more people to needlessly exploit if the T2 people suddenly stopped eating food that caused insulin sensitivity and resistance and T2....
Full picture, overall. Dannon group (progress i'm not picking on their NH subsidiary) sees massive profits with sugary and excessively sweet fat free yogurt products across all brand names. But hey, those sales drive the rise in waist lines, and ultimately T2. Pharma benefits, so yeah, everyone benefits except... those who wind up addicted.
Nothing new, nothing ground breaking, just one of those once you see it things, you can't unsee it.
yet no one seems to care enough yet.
unless they are monitized and set up to exploit for personal gain I mean make a living from it.
sorry almost got judgemental about people exploiting people's lack of education.
not almost i guess i did.
And then there's the Agave. FFS people. Lets make sugar in a more environmentally intensive manner and and end result no different from corn syrup. F'ck that shit. So dumb. So dumb. Dumb like road tubeless.
The only people who think road tubeless makes sense have only ridden them water filled garden hoses. I'll save that full rant for some other time. Okay that's not totally true. or not true at all but rings true, and makes sense. The same but different. Like eschewing sugars/grains/whole grains because you are on the 'paleo' diet, not because that category fucks with your insulin.
Yes. Peanuts are high in sugar. Womp womp.
Also, funny observation, the four bloggers that are left keep referencing their four readers. Are the four of us the only ones reading this stuff? Probably, and likely. Although a few emperical data points suggest that maybe there are more than four... not many more though here. I ain't got the reach or personability that FMvDB has.
Oh bacon. SUGAR. and fat and salt. SO much sugar used to cure it. So sad.
Bacon yummy but so sweet. And usually loaded with toxic salts. Oh well.
another different topic old topic but different but not really different.
Rambling to keep from anoying anyone directly. Seems to work although then everyone, i mean all four of the blog readers get to see it.
Disclaimer, I'm overwhelmed but surviving, not bad but damn so close to not good.
that said well anchored, the ropes are straining, the anchor chain could be longer but so thankful them anchors have solid purchase against these crazy tides.
heddwch
G
unsolicited advice always goes unheaded.
Solicited advice usually does too unless it is accompanied by transfer of dollar bills.
People love the 21 day challenge.
It is dumb, but better than some.
Hey lets get people to spend too much money on color coded plasticware. And give them a "plan" that helps, but makes them dependent on us because it is just good enough to work without actually telling them why and giving them the education to understand how f'n bad their food choices were.
Yeah Solobreak, it is a free country, people make their own choices. And if you're on the bike path down here, you'll notice the same people, out, every day. literally out there exercising everday, but still have an excessive body fat %. Doing everything everyone has told them to do. Get exercise, eat low fat, have a smoothie, oooh fruit smoothies are so goood for you, FRUIT! OMG HEALTHY.
fuuuuuuuuuck
There are a shit ton of processes going on in the body, king pin in cancer, and fatness, and the rest of the preventable diseases plauging people is insulin driven. That wee little componnd has the most incredible far reaching pathway, so complex people can easily ignore it or due to level of interaction often ignore it in favor of other stuff. Hey your insulin is wack, keep eating the garbage, here, what you were eating killed your pancreatic function so lets give you one of them insulin pumps.
Type 1 diabetes? genetically a raw deal you have every sympathy, Type 2? man why would you subject yourself to that and why would you want to pretend it isn't 100% reversable? Oh because there's way more of you than the T1 people, and the companies making insulin wouldn't have a shit ton more people to needlessly exploit if the T2 people suddenly stopped eating food that caused insulin sensitivity and resistance and T2....
Full picture, overall. Dannon group (progress i'm not picking on their NH subsidiary) sees massive profits with sugary and excessively sweet fat free yogurt products across all brand names. But hey, those sales drive the rise in waist lines, and ultimately T2. Pharma benefits, so yeah, everyone benefits except... those who wind up addicted.
Nothing new, nothing ground breaking, just one of those once you see it things, you can't unsee it.
yet no one seems to care enough yet.
unless they are monitized and set up to exploit for personal gain I mean make a living from it.
sorry almost got judgemental about people exploiting people's lack of education.
not almost i guess i did.
And then there's the Agave. FFS people. Lets make sugar in a more environmentally intensive manner and and end result no different from corn syrup. F'ck that shit. So dumb. So dumb. Dumb like road tubeless.
The only people who think road tubeless makes sense have only ridden them water filled garden hoses. I'll save that full rant for some other time. Okay that's not totally true. or not true at all but rings true, and makes sense. The same but different. Like eschewing sugars/grains/whole grains because you are on the 'paleo' diet, not because that category fucks with your insulin.
Yes. Peanuts are high in sugar. Womp womp.
Also, funny observation, the four bloggers that are left keep referencing their four readers. Are the four of us the only ones reading this stuff? Probably, and likely. Although a few emperical data points suggest that maybe there are more than four... not many more though here. I ain't got the reach or personability that FMvDB has.
Oh bacon. SUGAR. and fat and salt. SO much sugar used to cure it. So sad.
Bacon yummy but so sweet. And usually loaded with toxic salts. Oh well.
another different topic old topic but different but not really different.
Rambling to keep from anoying anyone directly. Seems to work although then everyone, i mean all four of the blog readers get to see it.
Disclaimer, I'm overwhelmed but surviving, not bad but damn so close to not good.
that said well anchored, the ropes are straining, the anchor chain could be longer but so thankful them anchors have solid purchase against these crazy tides.
heddwch
G
armchairing the barn burner
lots of people suffered in the heat.
lots of people melted
hopefully no one suffereed serious medical issues because of it...
racing in the heat is never easy. esp on the MTB when speeds are slower than on the road and you're often in the trees with less of a breeze or out on a trail/rock section with little direct shade but enough vegitation to keep the air still and hot. Freddie has remarked a few times how nice it is to ride the road when it gets really hot. At least there's some air moving.
Waterlogged... classic signs of everything everyone did wrong to prep for the heat.
So many things to deal with in the heat. Drinking water is actually the least important.
One small bottle of V8 juice would probably do everyone a hell of a lot more good than two or three liters of water or drink mix. V8/Tomato are one of the few beverages that are isotonic. Won't dehydrate you further when you drink it.
Even the hyper-hydration mix from Skractch is hypotonic. But that said until you hit the ultimate extreme your body can tolerate the difference. But those extremes mean different things for different people.
Your individual level of heat stress tolerance. I think core body temp is a much more important thing to focus on than hydration and drinking. The TTs are short but 20 min at max HRM in 100+F and sun isn't easy, but cooling down with ice before and most importantly after does more for recovery and reducing heat stress than drinking water. Hydrating with icey slurry can be helpful if you don't get a brain freeze.
Everyone is different. I deal with heat stress differently than most due to high surface area, that said my BMI is still no where near skinny, mostly due to leg mass, and I've found it is very difficult to cool the legs down, but it is still more important to cool the head and core body down than the legs. But once the legs are hot, the high muscle density and increased blood flow will continue to heat up the core unless you're actively shedding heat.
Hydration is imortant, salt tablets help make fluids coming in more isotonic, and many people swear by them, it makes it palatable to have a near isotonic solution in your stomach/intestines. Plenty of people can't even drink V8/tomato juice when they aren't at a cramping heatstroke level of fatigue/stress.
No I didn't do the barn burner, but I got up at 5am and was on the bike at 5:30. It wasn't that warm yet, but I carried two 22oz bottles of coffee, and uncharacteristically I stuffed a short waterbottle of water in an empty jersey pocket. When Bettridge got his flat I gave him a couple good handfuls of water out of that bottle to wash the stans off his hands. And I still had water left in it when I got home.
I still think most people drink too much, and the fear of dehydration is far less of a performance detrimint than coaches and "nutritionists" make it out to be. Core temp? that is scary, I know I do much better when I can lose the excess heat easily than when it just builds up.
Other factors that are critical to pay attention to when it is that hot out? clothing choices. Dark fabrics should be avoided. And fabrics that stay wet longer (dry more slowly) can provide a cooling benefit vs the better wickking stuff, but slower evaporation also means less cooling and more of a chance for the fabric to just get hot and make it worse.
One other factor people don't think so much about: sunscreen. And how coating up the body with it can impact the skin's ability to cool. Yes, skin cancer sucks, sun burns suck, but people have different reactions and successes with different products. Best to experiement and find one that allows full sweat potential and cooling.
The couple days leading up to an event are important, but not as critical if you are well adapted. Get a job working in the back of a building, one without any windows or doors in the back half and one w/o any AC. Spending 6-8 hours with sweat pouring in rivers off your back and down your asscrack is a good way to maximise sweat and get used to it. Or working on a roof, or putting up sheetrock in an old building w/o AC, that's always fun.
I know what works for me and, drinking a ton immediately after never works well. Or drinking a ton of hypotonic solution in the middle because i'm sweating a ton and am worried about dehydrating or I feel a headache coming on usually doesn't work/makes it worse. And scientifically makes sense.
Under non-stress conditions urine color can be helpful but after intense heat exercise there's a lot of bad shit being pumped into the blood stream that the kidneys have to filter out, and well... that can help mis-interpret unrine color as an indicator of hydration.
And that's the big problem. Hyponatremia has nearly identical symptoms as dehydration, except they are worse, far worse the further you go down the list:
Kind of like people eating a low fat diet following "advice" to avoid eggs and butter and saturated fats and eat sugary sweet fat free yogurt and be healthy. Skim milk for the win.
Heat adapt, watch what fluids you take in and how many, a bottle of ice water might actually do you a shit ton more good being dumped over your head than poured down your throat.
be safe, don't be dumb, have fun... stay cool
heddwch
G
lots of people melted
hopefully no one suffereed serious medical issues because of it...
racing in the heat is never easy. esp on the MTB when speeds are slower than on the road and you're often in the trees with less of a breeze or out on a trail/rock section with little direct shade but enough vegitation to keep the air still and hot. Freddie has remarked a few times how nice it is to ride the road when it gets really hot. At least there's some air moving.
Waterlogged... classic signs of everything everyone did wrong to prep for the heat.
So many things to deal with in the heat. Drinking water is actually the least important.
One small bottle of V8 juice would probably do everyone a hell of a lot more good than two or three liters of water or drink mix. V8/Tomato are one of the few beverages that are isotonic. Won't dehydrate you further when you drink it.
Even the hyper-hydration mix from Skractch is hypotonic. But that said until you hit the ultimate extreme your body can tolerate the difference. But those extremes mean different things for different people.
Your individual level of heat stress tolerance. I think core body temp is a much more important thing to focus on than hydration and drinking. The TTs are short but 20 min at max HRM in 100+F and sun isn't easy, but cooling down with ice before and most importantly after does more for recovery and reducing heat stress than drinking water. Hydrating with icey slurry can be helpful if you don't get a brain freeze.
Everyone is different. I deal with heat stress differently than most due to high surface area, that said my BMI is still no where near skinny, mostly due to leg mass, and I've found it is very difficult to cool the legs down, but it is still more important to cool the head and core body down than the legs. But once the legs are hot, the high muscle density and increased blood flow will continue to heat up the core unless you're actively shedding heat.
Hydration is imortant, salt tablets help make fluids coming in more isotonic, and many people swear by them, it makes it palatable to have a near isotonic solution in your stomach/intestines. Plenty of people can't even drink V8/tomato juice when they aren't at a cramping heatstroke level of fatigue/stress.
No I didn't do the barn burner, but I got up at 5am and was on the bike at 5:30. It wasn't that warm yet, but I carried two 22oz bottles of coffee, and uncharacteristically I stuffed a short waterbottle of water in an empty jersey pocket. When Bettridge got his flat I gave him a couple good handfuls of water out of that bottle to wash the stans off his hands. And I still had water left in it when I got home.
I still think most people drink too much, and the fear of dehydration is far less of a performance detrimint than coaches and "nutritionists" make it out to be. Core temp? that is scary, I know I do much better when I can lose the excess heat easily than when it just builds up.
Other factors that are critical to pay attention to when it is that hot out? clothing choices. Dark fabrics should be avoided. And fabrics that stay wet longer (dry more slowly) can provide a cooling benefit vs the better wickking stuff, but slower evaporation also means less cooling and more of a chance for the fabric to just get hot and make it worse.
One other factor people don't think so much about: sunscreen. And how coating up the body with it can impact the skin's ability to cool. Yes, skin cancer sucks, sun burns suck, but people have different reactions and successes with different products. Best to experiement and find one that allows full sweat potential and cooling.
The couple days leading up to an event are important, but not as critical if you are well adapted. Get a job working in the back of a building, one without any windows or doors in the back half and one w/o any AC. Spending 6-8 hours with sweat pouring in rivers off your back and down your asscrack is a good way to maximise sweat and get used to it. Or working on a roof, or putting up sheetrock in an old building w/o AC, that's always fun.
I know what works for me and, drinking a ton immediately after never works well. Or drinking a ton of hypotonic solution in the middle because i'm sweating a ton and am worried about dehydrating or I feel a headache coming on usually doesn't work/makes it worse. And scientifically makes sense.
Under non-stress conditions urine color can be helpful but after intense heat exercise there's a lot of bad shit being pumped into the blood stream that the kidneys have to filter out, and well... that can help mis-interpret unrine color as an indicator of hydration.
And that's the big problem. Hyponatremia has nearly identical symptoms as dehydration, except they are worse, far worse the further you go down the list:
Kind of like people eating a low fat diet following "advice" to avoid eggs and butter and saturated fats and eat sugary sweet fat free yogurt and be healthy. Skim milk for the win.
Heat adapt, watch what fluids you take in and how many, a bottle of ice water might actually do you a shit ton more good being dumped over your head than poured down your throat.
be safe, don't be dumb, have fun... stay cool
heddwch
G
Sunday, July 12, 2015
3 state Ride
Long ride.
Late night, little sleep (dogs barking at 3am, awake at 4 until 4:45, alarm at 5am), But hey I've got a day, stuff to do but I'm caught up on builds at the shop my brother is taking the day off so heck lets bump the mileage up this week with a little ride.
Brent (bentacol) set up this ride, a ride with Bettridge of double flat fame from the RdR. This route: http://www.brentacol.com/r/3state except we started from La Salle Bakery. Well they started there. I negotiated a 15 min delay so I could actually get there w/o waking up before 5. Although I was awake I probably should have just gotten up and left. But we'd pushed the start back a few.
Which was great because as it was I was hustling around for 25 min before I was able to get out the door.
Had to make coffee.
two long draw electric moka pot coffees. One per waterbottle, ice cubes and yeah. Coffee.
no food. grabbed emergency margarita blocks just to be safe, was tempted to dig into them but i held out, the sleeve is still sealed.
Wake up, make coffee, get on the Klein, go for a ride. 1 min late but they were patient and surprised it was only a minute late.
Headed out on that route (strava actual route i rode: https://www.strava.com/activities/344525911 ) and before too long (it seemed) we were on roads I'd ridden with James on the Longest Day ride. All the roads. The exact route.
Except we turned right and headed to mass instead of going left and into the Hospital and over to the North South Trail. That first big hill listed, Capron rd, I took in the little ring, but somehow something isn't right on the rear shifting and it was skipping. Not sure, maybe I grabbed the wrong chain or something's weird, or the cable tension keeps backing out. Dunno but it was almost un-rideable. I found a stable gear in the 42-19 though and climbed in that. After that? No more little ring.
And Buck hill in the 55x23 was not super easy. None of the hills were after that. I kept the 25 clean though.
Lots of high force, low cadence work. Legs feel TRASHED. In a good way.
No calories. Just on board internally. How many people set off on an 80+ mile ride w/o planning on eating or starting the day with fuel? I dunno, me? Factoring first the overnight glycogen top up, and an active focus on developing the fat burning energy pathway. The slow high force low cadence probably helped. I know if i'd taken some in I probably could have gone faster but then that would have meant more time waiting for Bettridge.
Who flatted his ROAD tubeless on Capron hill. I don't want tubeless road tires. Nope. No thanks. Give me my Durano Plus. If dave gets one more flat on a ride with me he'll tie with Becca, but on the plus side i didn't have to change any of David's flats. Or more descriptively dump out stans and put a tube in.
It was warm, but never too bad. Each hill was a flex of muscle as Brent went as hard as he could and I tried to stay with him or put him into more pain. I beat him on a few of them, even being overgeared. Contrast in opposites. Brent's not the biggest guy but he's not freak size, and here was the clydesdale freak climbing in a rediculously big gear being chased by a normal size human spinning a 34t middle ring.
Wound up with 83 on the clock, legs destroyed. Ate a Grillo's pickle wedge, took a shower with a UFO Big Squeeze. Got in bed, nearly fell asleep. Took the dogs for a walk with the girls to say hi to frank and nancy on the bike path handing out water, now time to get some stuff done here that I haven't been able to get to because i'm working every day all day and then destroyed when I get home, esp after I finish up making dinner.
Couldn't stop if I wanted to stop. But man it is nice riding on these roads. They are fantastic. So lucky. The Klein also rides so perfectly, fits so well, and my friends to ride with are all amazing people. Such a great morning, even if I'm just totally ready to keel over and pass out asleep.
Yes - with luck I'll have time to write up the big rides, taking these precious few minutes because I want to get it down and i can't move. hoping i can actually get out of the chair and start what I need to do.
Also. It is kind of warm today.
heddwch
G
Late night, little sleep (dogs barking at 3am, awake at 4 until 4:45, alarm at 5am), But hey I've got a day, stuff to do but I'm caught up on builds at the shop my brother is taking the day off so heck lets bump the mileage up this week with a little ride.
Brent (bentacol) set up this ride, a ride with Bettridge of double flat fame from the RdR. This route: http://www.brentacol.com/r/3state except we started from La Salle Bakery. Well they started there. I negotiated a 15 min delay so I could actually get there w/o waking up before 5. Although I was awake I probably should have just gotten up and left. But we'd pushed the start back a few.
Which was great because as it was I was hustling around for 25 min before I was able to get out the door.
Had to make coffee.
two long draw electric moka pot coffees. One per waterbottle, ice cubes and yeah. Coffee.
no food. grabbed emergency margarita blocks just to be safe, was tempted to dig into them but i held out, the sleeve is still sealed.
Wake up, make coffee, get on the Klein, go for a ride. 1 min late but they were patient and surprised it was only a minute late.
Headed out on that route (strava actual route i rode: https://www.strava.com/activities/344525911 ) and before too long (it seemed) we were on roads I'd ridden with James on the Longest Day ride. All the roads. The exact route.
Except we turned right and headed to mass instead of going left and into the Hospital and over to the North South Trail. That first big hill listed, Capron rd, I took in the little ring, but somehow something isn't right on the rear shifting and it was skipping. Not sure, maybe I grabbed the wrong chain or something's weird, or the cable tension keeps backing out. Dunno but it was almost un-rideable. I found a stable gear in the 42-19 though and climbed in that. After that? No more little ring.
And Buck hill in the 55x23 was not super easy. None of the hills were after that. I kept the 25 clean though.
Lots of high force, low cadence work. Legs feel TRASHED. In a good way.
No calories. Just on board internally. How many people set off on an 80+ mile ride w/o planning on eating or starting the day with fuel? I dunno, me? Factoring first the overnight glycogen top up, and an active focus on developing the fat burning energy pathway. The slow high force low cadence probably helped. I know if i'd taken some in I probably could have gone faster but then that would have meant more time waiting for Bettridge.
Who flatted his ROAD tubeless on Capron hill. I don't want tubeless road tires. Nope. No thanks. Give me my Durano Plus. If dave gets one more flat on a ride with me he'll tie with Becca, but on the plus side i didn't have to change any of David's flats. Or more descriptively dump out stans and put a tube in.
It was warm, but never too bad. Each hill was a flex of muscle as Brent went as hard as he could and I tried to stay with him or put him into more pain. I beat him on a few of them, even being overgeared. Contrast in opposites. Brent's not the biggest guy but he's not freak size, and here was the clydesdale freak climbing in a rediculously big gear being chased by a normal size human spinning a 34t middle ring.
Wound up with 83 on the clock, legs destroyed. Ate a Grillo's pickle wedge, took a shower with a UFO Big Squeeze. Got in bed, nearly fell asleep. Took the dogs for a walk with the girls to say hi to frank and nancy on the bike path handing out water, now time to get some stuff done here that I haven't been able to get to because i'm working every day all day and then destroyed when I get home, esp after I finish up making dinner.
Couldn't stop if I wanted to stop. But man it is nice riding on these roads. They are fantastic. So lucky. The Klein also rides so perfectly, fits so well, and my friends to ride with are all amazing people. Such a great morning, even if I'm just totally ready to keel over and pass out asleep.
Yes - with luck I'll have time to write up the big rides, taking these precious few minutes because I want to get it down and i can't move. hoping i can actually get out of the chair and start what I need to do.
Also. It is kind of warm today.
heddwch
G
Saturday, July 11, 2015
gear grinding
when someone starts blaming the obesity problem on lack of exercise and screen time and being inside.
not only is that pretty much completely wrong, it is dangersously wrong.
But how to approach and say "Hey you're an idiot, stop feeding the kids cereal, snacks, chips, soda, fat free yogurt, fill in the blank insulin spinking pop tart like stuff" without saying that?
Need to not care. I need to let the give a shit about shit and others and figure out how to turn off the empathy. But I can't it is me.
"HOME MADE HUMMUS IS AMAZING" yes, yes it is. super easy to make.
I buy dried garbanzo beans, soak them (they take a day+ to soak, usually I let them soak 2 days) then cook.
Once cooked and cooled, some Seasame King Roasted Tahini, lemon, freshly ground Cumin, extra hot cayenne pepper, lots of salt and a TON of garlic, some water, and lots of olive oil. Cuisinart food processor has kind of almost been relegated to hummus making only.
'bout the only time i use it.
Challenge with beans is they are loaded with enough sugar to cause an insulin spike, which is fine if you are in a glycogen depleted state and trying to recover, not so much if not.
It would be great if people we able to link insulin and obesity and weight control, but so much market capitalistic pressure to keep making money and exploit the confusion and keep people eating insulin spiking sugars.
You need topped up glycogen for CX, for any high intensity burst type exercise. You don't need if for the stroll down the bike path on your bike. You don't need a bunch of gu's or bottles full of sugar or fancy designer glucose polymers to pedal at the slow speed I'm seeing.
I see people regularly, on my bike path, overweight people. They are out there riding, exercising, probably more than I am.
but they are fat.
look at all the "vacation" type running races. Look at the Peach Tree, or any Disney race. People train intensly for them, they run a ton (even if they run really slowly) and yet, most of them can't get enough exercise to offset the peice of toast in the AM, or the bowl of cereal, or the fill in the blank food. Low/No fat. It goes beyond the problem of chemical shit storm.
Well beyond that problem.
Goes well beyond the aversion to red meat (ideal source of iron, ideal sorce of bio-active amino-acids that omnivore/carnivors are genetically predisposed to). Sure it is possible to be aware of this and make it work avoiding it. Replacing carbs with protein is stupid and as close to wrong as is sticking to a low fat diet. You are what your food eats.
Stuggle bus.
I mean, who cares, but I do care, and i watch people struggle, weight watchers, points, this diet, 21 day challenge, OMG THESE SPECIAL CONTAINERS ARE AMAZING, south beach, diet after diet with no success, but then, habits and behaviorially they are destroying themselves right out of the gate.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
You're MUCH better off skipping it than eating anything that will cause ANY spike in insulin. Low GI, High GI don't matter, even low glycemic index shit causes a response and any response winds up doing bad shit.
But yeah, i'm the opinionated dickhead here, always spouting off on something or other. #marginalize and #ignore....
no wonder i'm crazy
crazy enough to wake up stupid early and try and get a ride in tomorrow because I had such a low mileage week and i want to pedal....
crazy enough to write about it to get it out of my head and not give a shit that everyone can see I'm crazy?
crazy enough... kid came home with adzuki bean hummus report (was made to bring to potluck/party) RAVE REVIEWS #fuckyeah
Gotta get the 4 cups of garbanzo beans soaking here before the end of the night. Dinner making time first.
Lots of support for insane idea, from all camps but a very important one. Which kind of sucks. "Yes OMG TOTALLY WOULD BE PERFECT" from three people who I trust, who know me... and the final one "Really? why?" in the iworedettos vein 'le sigh'
Does writing help? one of the people I got overwhelming support for The Idea thinks so. I think so. I agree with FMVDB in that it is a process, helps sort shit out in my head. I could (and too often) have hair trigger reactions on twitter or FB but mostly I manage to restrain, pack it in, let it go, move on, let them have their fun or enjoy their misquided opinions based on whikked bad facts...
But then hummus makre, got in a good stab in the back, i've been going at it for 5 years+ talking about how amazing and how easy homemade hummus is... he finally got it. I suppose I should work on the optimistic side and be happy he realized it, even if it took this long. getting there is getting there. So maybe the knife wound is self inflicted? I should be supportive and encouraging despite the first reaction. That makes a shit ton more logical sense, but saddly my initial response/involuntary reaction isn't that.
Self inflicted would absolutely be GeWilli style though.
is there any other way?
heddwch
G
not only is that pretty much completely wrong, it is dangersously wrong.
But how to approach and say "Hey you're an idiot, stop feeding the kids cereal, snacks, chips, soda, fat free yogurt, fill in the blank insulin spinking pop tart like stuff" without saying that?
Need to not care. I need to let the give a shit about shit and others and figure out how to turn off the empathy. But I can't it is me.
"HOME MADE HUMMUS IS AMAZING" yes, yes it is. super easy to make.
I buy dried garbanzo beans, soak them (they take a day+ to soak, usually I let them soak 2 days) then cook.
Once cooked and cooled, some Seasame King Roasted Tahini, lemon, freshly ground Cumin, extra hot cayenne pepper, lots of salt and a TON of garlic, some water, and lots of olive oil. Cuisinart food processor has kind of almost been relegated to hummus making only.
'bout the only time i use it.
Challenge with beans is they are loaded with enough sugar to cause an insulin spike, which is fine if you are in a glycogen depleted state and trying to recover, not so much if not.
It would be great if people we able to link insulin and obesity and weight control, but so much market capitalistic pressure to keep making money and exploit the confusion and keep people eating insulin spiking sugars.
You need topped up glycogen for CX, for any high intensity burst type exercise. You don't need if for the stroll down the bike path on your bike. You don't need a bunch of gu's or bottles full of sugar or fancy designer glucose polymers to pedal at the slow speed I'm seeing.
I see people regularly, on my bike path, overweight people. They are out there riding, exercising, probably more than I am.
but they are fat.
look at all the "vacation" type running races. Look at the Peach Tree, or any Disney race. People train intensly for them, they run a ton (even if they run really slowly) and yet, most of them can't get enough exercise to offset the peice of toast in the AM, or the bowl of cereal, or the fill in the blank food. Low/No fat. It goes beyond the problem of chemical shit storm.
Well beyond that problem.
Goes well beyond the aversion to red meat (ideal source of iron, ideal sorce of bio-active amino-acids that omnivore/carnivors are genetically predisposed to). Sure it is possible to be aware of this and make it work avoiding it. Replacing carbs with protein is stupid and as close to wrong as is sticking to a low fat diet. You are what your food eats.
Stuggle bus.
I mean, who cares, but I do care, and i watch people struggle, weight watchers, points, this diet, 21 day challenge, OMG THESE SPECIAL CONTAINERS ARE AMAZING, south beach, diet after diet with no success, but then, habits and behaviorially they are destroying themselves right out of the gate.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
You're MUCH better off skipping it than eating anything that will cause ANY spike in insulin. Low GI, High GI don't matter, even low glycemic index shit causes a response and any response winds up doing bad shit.
But yeah, i'm the opinionated dickhead here, always spouting off on something or other. #marginalize and #ignore....
no wonder i'm crazy
crazy enough to wake up stupid early and try and get a ride in tomorrow because I had such a low mileage week and i want to pedal....
crazy enough to write about it to get it out of my head and not give a shit that everyone can see I'm crazy?
crazy enough... kid came home with adzuki bean hummus report (was made to bring to potluck/party) RAVE REVIEWS #fuckyeah
Gotta get the 4 cups of garbanzo beans soaking here before the end of the night. Dinner making time first.
Lots of support for insane idea, from all camps but a very important one. Which kind of sucks. "Yes OMG TOTALLY WOULD BE PERFECT" from three people who I trust, who know me... and the final one "Really? why?" in the iworedettos vein 'le sigh'
Does writing help? one of the people I got overwhelming support for The Idea thinks so. I think so. I agree with FMVDB in that it is a process, helps sort shit out in my head. I could (and too often) have hair trigger reactions on twitter or FB but mostly I manage to restrain, pack it in, let it go, move on, let them have their fun or enjoy their misquided opinions based on whikked bad facts...
But then hummus makre, got in a good stab in the back, i've been going at it for 5 years+ talking about how amazing and how easy homemade hummus is... he finally got it. I suppose I should work on the optimistic side and be happy he realized it, even if it took this long. getting there is getting there. So maybe the knife wound is self inflicted? I should be supportive and encouraging despite the first reaction. That makes a shit ton more logical sense, but saddly my initial response/involuntary reaction isn't that.
Self inflicted would absolutely be GeWilli style though.
is there any other way?
heddwch
G
Friday, July 10, 2015
rare... or exceptional
I'm a hyper-critical pain in the ass.
If you ask my opinion about anything chances are i'm going to find every f'n flaw and point it out and then i"ll feel bad because I'll also see that I caused some major pain in behing honest and observant and oblivously critical.
That's me, that's my life. Some how I find and see all the weak points. I should have been a structural engineer analyst #monetizethatshit but i'm not.
but sometimes there are exceptions, things where i can't find fault, no matter how hard I look for fault....
Firefly is one of those things.
Can't find fault.
Their bikes are perfect.
The three of them find this brilliant balance and deliver aethestic and creative and excutive perfection.
Not to take away from others with equal perfection like MikeyZ but there's something inspirationally intangible about what those three dudes have created.
and well... felt like saying as much.
Because why not.
heddwch
G
If you ask my opinion about anything chances are i'm going to find every f'n flaw and point it out and then i"ll feel bad because I'll also see that I caused some major pain in behing honest and observant and oblivously critical.
That's me, that's my life. Some how I find and see all the weak points. I should have been a structural engineer analyst #monetizethatshit but i'm not.
but sometimes there are exceptions, things where i can't find fault, no matter how hard I look for fault....
Firefly is one of those things.
Can't find fault.
Their bikes are perfect.
The three of them find this brilliant balance and deliver aethestic and creative and excutive perfection.
Not to take away from others with equal perfection like MikeyZ but there's something inspirationally intangible about what those three dudes have created.
and well... felt like saying as much.
Because why not.
heddwch
G
being so self aware is a curse
but sometimes it can be a blessing.
I've been meaning to talk with my good friend Deano for a while now. Float an insane idea past him, an idea that I had let slip a bit and let get out of the thinking/feeling me.
But email exchange last night about the team kit order and other stuff gave me an excuse to pick up the paperwork and we found an intersection in time and space that would facilitate an in person chat session, to catch up but float this idea past him.
An idea that last night I didn't realize how much power it held. An idea that kind of created a bit of a glow, some excitement.
Now, can I generate enough follow through, do I have the ability to figure out how to work through the loops and hoops to get it lined up?
I dunno but it would be worth trying, worth attempting. And just thinking about it has been worth it, that feeling, that self aware moment of glowing warmth at being happy.
Maybe that's my mojo, my driving force that fullfills me in a way I am missing, have always been missing?
We'll see. I have another idea/inspiration for the next cohesive Nanoscape collection. Need to get that going soon too, it will take a couple weeks before I can start working on it at the soonest but I'm flat out for the next month. Literally. I tried to keep one day open next week, maybe to go for a ride, to work with my Brother, or just take one day off. No dice. Oh well, not that upset by it, a wee but frustrated but hey it is what it is, it means more days off later. Like take every friday off in CXy season or something. Or heck maybe even take the day off and go to them Wed night races i've never seemed to be able to get to.
While I can't just flip a switch like some people, I can keep my head up and keep driving...
Now to push this all to the next level.
lots to do, way too much, but what else would I do if I didn't constantly have too much to do?
heddwch,
G
I've been meaning to talk with my good friend Deano for a while now. Float an insane idea past him, an idea that I had let slip a bit and let get out of the thinking/feeling me.
But email exchange last night about the team kit order and other stuff gave me an excuse to pick up the paperwork and we found an intersection in time and space that would facilitate an in person chat session, to catch up but float this idea past him.
An idea that last night I didn't realize how much power it held. An idea that kind of created a bit of a glow, some excitement.
Now, can I generate enough follow through, do I have the ability to figure out how to work through the loops and hoops to get it lined up?
I dunno but it would be worth trying, worth attempting. And just thinking about it has been worth it, that feeling, that self aware moment of glowing warmth at being happy.
Maybe that's my mojo, my driving force that fullfills me in a way I am missing, have always been missing?
We'll see. I have another idea/inspiration for the next cohesive Nanoscape collection. Need to get that going soon too, it will take a couple weeks before I can start working on it at the soonest but I'm flat out for the next month. Literally. I tried to keep one day open next week, maybe to go for a ride, to work with my Brother, or just take one day off. No dice. Oh well, not that upset by it, a wee but frustrated but hey it is what it is, it means more days off later. Like take every friday off in CXy season or something. Or heck maybe even take the day off and go to them Wed night races i've never seemed to be able to get to.
While I can't just flip a switch like some people, I can keep my head up and keep driving...
Now to push this all to the next level.
lots to do, way too much, but what else would I do if I didn't constantly have too much to do?
heddwch,
G
Thursday, July 09, 2015
head up, driving forward...
Start each day as if it is a clean slate.
Shed the baggage you brought along as the earth spins you away from the Sun.
Start the next day open to possibilities and hope you don't have something still stuck in your shoe from stepping deep into shit the day before.
FMVdB is right though, process, a documentation, and sort of a autocompleteing autobiography. And it helps. I read back through a bunch of the first entries here, confused by one, I must have changed the date to put it out of sight at the time? I dunno, but I sure as hell didn't write about being in New England and racing cross in 2004.
I've changed. Am changing I hope.
This morning I kind of want to label the mood and the pits of dispair almost a PTSD. Emotional PTSD. I'm not a clinical head shrink but i had a bit of clarity in the shower when the realization hit.
Reading the Surly blog post about Seth, didn't help much, and I agree that happiness is a state of mind, it isn't one that can be controlled by a flip of a switch. You can't just turn it on. Or off. "Snap out of it." Some people have success at it. Some fail completely. Obviosuly there's something missing, something that I can't either fix, get, figure out that is at the root cause of this spell. Enervated describes it pretty well.
Todd's been sharing this all day... I finally took a minute to watch it:
"breath in strength, breath out bullshit"
Effecitve? kind of.
I like that guy's At The Bar series. Funny and well done: http://www.jasonheadley.com/ATB.html
When you look around and see lots of people doing absolutely wrong things, and you're aware of it and aware they have no good reason for doing it or no idea that it is wrong... and you just have to keep quiet about it.... Is that worse than trying to explain to people you are close to what they are doing wrong and how to make changes and explain all the science and physiology and psycology behind it and have it all ignored to the detriment of their health? Probably a contributor to going crazy. Combine that with my being a good case study of why vacations are vitally important and needed.
But then sometimes something makes you laugh, and you feel a little lighter a bit better.
Like that.
Of course it faded over the 2 hrs since i watched it and haven't been able to close this out.
but maybe i'll find the motivation to push forward and get a good ride in tonight. Something more than the 1.5 mile ride from the car to office.
I keep reminding myself, this forced decrease is a good think. Let the legs recover a bit, freshen up after June, be ready for training load in August. maybe be more prepared for the CXy season. I'd contemplated pulling the plug, avoiding the costs, the time, the travel, but I know it would make me even more miserable, and it gives me a goal. But adds the pressure of finding more fitness than I started last year with. Mojo. where'd that mojo go.
Mojo or no... head up, driving forward... watching the matrix unfold, knowing i can only control the smallest of events... breath in some strength, breath out the bullshit
heddwch
G
Shed the baggage you brought along as the earth spins you away from the Sun.
Start the next day open to possibilities and hope you don't have something still stuck in your shoe from stepping deep into shit the day before.
FMVdB is right though, process, a documentation, and sort of a autocompleteing autobiography. And it helps. I read back through a bunch of the first entries here, confused by one, I must have changed the date to put it out of sight at the time? I dunno, but I sure as hell didn't write about being in New England and racing cross in 2004.
I've changed. Am changing I hope.
This morning I kind of want to label the mood and the pits of dispair almost a PTSD. Emotional PTSD. I'm not a clinical head shrink but i had a bit of clarity in the shower when the realization hit.
Reading the Surly blog post about Seth, didn't help much, and I agree that happiness is a state of mind, it isn't one that can be controlled by a flip of a switch. You can't just turn it on. Or off. "Snap out of it." Some people have success at it. Some fail completely. Obviosuly there's something missing, something that I can't either fix, get, figure out that is at the root cause of this spell. Enervated describes it pretty well.
Todd's been sharing this all day... I finally took a minute to watch it:
"breath in strength, breath out bullshit"
Effecitve? kind of.
I like that guy's At The Bar series. Funny and well done: http://www.jasonheadley.com/ATB.html
When you look around and see lots of people doing absolutely wrong things, and you're aware of it and aware they have no good reason for doing it or no idea that it is wrong... and you just have to keep quiet about it.... Is that worse than trying to explain to people you are close to what they are doing wrong and how to make changes and explain all the science and physiology and psycology behind it and have it all ignored to the detriment of their health? Probably a contributor to going crazy. Combine that with my being a good case study of why vacations are vitally important and needed.
But then sometimes something makes you laugh, and you feel a little lighter a bit better.
Like that.
Of course it faded over the 2 hrs since i watched it and haven't been able to close this out.
but maybe i'll find the motivation to push forward and get a good ride in tonight. Something more than the 1.5 mile ride from the car to office.
I keep reminding myself, this forced decrease is a good think. Let the legs recover a bit, freshen up after June, be ready for training load in August. maybe be more prepared for the CXy season. I'd contemplated pulling the plug, avoiding the costs, the time, the travel, but I know it would make me even more miserable, and it gives me a goal. But adds the pressure of finding more fitness than I started last year with. Mojo. where'd that mojo go.
Mojo or no... head up, driving forward... watching the matrix unfold, knowing i can only control the smallest of events... breath in some strength, breath out the bullshit
heddwch
G
comments and black holes
kind of funny,
i spent a bit of time in the car tonight, had to pick up my brother and his family from the airport.
good chance to drive around and think.
One line of thinking was that blog posts are kind of like posting a black hole, mostly lately esp.
Way back in them olden days we measured posts by views and comments, BSNYC more or less had a contest as to who could post first... a race for the bored and lonely. HEY I WON BY BEING FASTEST ON THE INTERNETS! Hey. I know someone who was so stoked by winning they couldn't stop talking about winning for MONTHS.
Got me thinking, big Thom's tweet (instead of comment) pushed the ball rolling... while people still write blog posts, people don't comment anymore, they make disconnected tweets, allude to contacts, or otherwise avoid directly interacting with a web log, because that's unclean and not fashionable now.
Thoughts while driving. Thinking. It isn't just now, it is years in the making, years in the building. Hell FFS i get a blog comment that covers the last half dozen+ posts on Strava, on a ride i didn't even bother naming "afternoon ride" IIRC. I have no idea who the person named in the comment is, but maybe it is a boston boxer? I'm sure solobreak will school me. i'm a punk ass kid, what the fuck do i know.
While this is all floating around in my head while i'm driving i'm thinking about something else.
Because i can't not think about shit. I can't.
I was thinking about the fact that i'm best at being told there is a problem, and finding a solution. I fix shit that's broken, i am really good at seeing problems and issues from many points of view and providing a myriad of options. Also the stubborness of not being defeated by machines. I'll keep going through logical progressions of shit until i can identify WHY they motherfuckingpeiceofshit is broken, OR until it stops being broken.
Today was a good example of that.
Got it working by sheer determination, was worried the streak on the old workhorse was about to end.
One variable at a time.
You can't fix shit with a shotgun. You need a sniper with a single round, bolt action, contemplate before the next shot. Did that solution work? yes, no. be honest, ego has nothing to do with this. fix? no fix? no fix? what's the next target. Stay focused until a solution is found.
So why can't i fix me as well as i can fix machines?
Very good question. Some asshole (not me, i'm not the last of the species and plenty of 'friends' who don't give a shit about me enough to care, plenty who do, and i'm just crafty enough to keep everyone off balance) probably wonders why i'm a basket case more than when I'm not. No answer.
It is late. very late. I'm awake. Can't sleep. So I'm writing here instead of tweeting, or FB'n, although no desire to post on FB, urge to bitch on twitter is strong, and worrysome.
But hey.
I'm tired. But wide awake. Tomorrow is going to suck, but I can't make it better. I'm seriously depressed about not having at least a week of vacation this summer, it is weighing heavily on me, but what can i do? Pretty much nothing. I can take a week off during holy week, but while that might be awesome, it is still a stupid ton of cash and a long way off.
heck i have an opportunity to 'upgrade' the vehicle, but i can't.
but i'll keep working. in the last three months, there have been two days I haven't been drawing salary or hourly, one of the days was the 4th of July (but i was working on the minivan -w/o success, guess i have to repalce the stupid expensive part afterall) and then sometime mid-may.
back to the black hole...
to some degree i don't care who reads, if anyone reads... google analytics is horrible, not a good measure, the other site i don't even check, that said the measure of social media success is in contacts and interactions, and with that measure this blog is a good reflection of me. No one interacts anymore. Okay Fatmarc broke down and commented on the Denali dog movie... that doesn't count.
But does it?
it is what it is, but still feels more like a black hole, a sensory deprivation chamber, than a social environment.
And maybe that's a good thing.
Probably a very good thing.
I often feel like I've spent the first 44/45 years as a loser, at one point I had deluded myself into thinking maybe I had a chance at winning but yeah, nope. The next chapter i'm sure will be just as dramatic, i can't avoid that shit, i don't expect that to change. but will i feel like writing to the black hole to document it as i have for the last 10+ years....
time will tell...
it always does...
heddcwh
G
i spent a bit of time in the car tonight, had to pick up my brother and his family from the airport.
good chance to drive around and think.
One line of thinking was that blog posts are kind of like posting a black hole, mostly lately esp.
Way back in them olden days we measured posts by views and comments, BSNYC more or less had a contest as to who could post first... a race for the bored and lonely. HEY I WON BY BEING FASTEST ON THE INTERNETS! Hey. I know someone who was so stoked by winning they couldn't stop talking about winning for MONTHS.
Got me thinking, big Thom's tweet (instead of comment) pushed the ball rolling... while people still write blog posts, people don't comment anymore, they make disconnected tweets, allude to contacts, or otherwise avoid directly interacting with a web log, because that's unclean and not fashionable now.
Thoughts while driving. Thinking. It isn't just now, it is years in the making, years in the building. Hell FFS i get a blog comment that covers the last half dozen+ posts on Strava, on a ride i didn't even bother naming "afternoon ride" IIRC. I have no idea who the person named in the comment is, but maybe it is a boston boxer? I'm sure solobreak will school me. i'm a punk ass kid, what the fuck do i know.
While this is all floating around in my head while i'm driving i'm thinking about something else.
Because i can't not think about shit. I can't.
I was thinking about the fact that i'm best at being told there is a problem, and finding a solution. I fix shit that's broken, i am really good at seeing problems and issues from many points of view and providing a myriad of options. Also the stubborness of not being defeated by machines. I'll keep going through logical progressions of shit until i can identify WHY they motherfuckingpeiceofshit is broken, OR until it stops being broken.
Today was a good example of that.
Got it working by sheer determination, was worried the streak on the old workhorse was about to end.
One variable at a time.
You can't fix shit with a shotgun. You need a sniper with a single round, bolt action, contemplate before the next shot. Did that solution work? yes, no. be honest, ego has nothing to do with this. fix? no fix? no fix? what's the next target. Stay focused until a solution is found.
So why can't i fix me as well as i can fix machines?
Very good question. Some asshole (not me, i'm not the last of the species and plenty of 'friends' who don't give a shit about me enough to care, plenty who do, and i'm just crafty enough to keep everyone off balance) probably wonders why i'm a basket case more than when I'm not. No answer.
It is late. very late. I'm awake. Can't sleep. So I'm writing here instead of tweeting, or FB'n, although no desire to post on FB, urge to bitch on twitter is strong, and worrysome.
But hey.
I'm tired. But wide awake. Tomorrow is going to suck, but I can't make it better. I'm seriously depressed about not having at least a week of vacation this summer, it is weighing heavily on me, but what can i do? Pretty much nothing. I can take a week off during holy week, but while that might be awesome, it is still a stupid ton of cash and a long way off.
heck i have an opportunity to 'upgrade' the vehicle, but i can't.
but i'll keep working. in the last three months, there have been two days I haven't been drawing salary or hourly, one of the days was the 4th of July (but i was working on the minivan -w/o success, guess i have to repalce the stupid expensive part afterall) and then sometime mid-may.
back to the black hole...
to some degree i don't care who reads, if anyone reads... google analytics is horrible, not a good measure, the other site i don't even check, that said the measure of social media success is in contacts and interactions, and with that measure this blog is a good reflection of me. No one interacts anymore. Okay Fatmarc broke down and commented on the Denali dog movie... that doesn't count.
But does it?
it is what it is, but still feels more like a black hole, a sensory deprivation chamber, than a social environment.
And maybe that's a good thing.
Probably a very good thing.
I often feel like I've spent the first 44/45 years as a loser, at one point I had deluded myself into thinking maybe I had a chance at winning but yeah, nope. The next chapter i'm sure will be just as dramatic, i can't avoid that shit, i don't expect that to change. but will i feel like writing to the black hole to document it as i have for the last 10+ years....
time will tell...
it always does...
heddcwh
G
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
Better words than I have
being pro is pro...
these are beautiful words.
http://www.gq.com/story/food-and-life
food... and life....
and cooking and sharing the creation of it with others
heddwch
G
these are beautiful words.
http://www.gq.com/story/food-and-life
food... and life....
So I settled in, between the filing cabinets and teetering stacks of paper, and we talked about the finer points of kitchen design: how he, at his Madison, Connecticut, home, had a wall made of reclaimed barnwood on which most of the pots, pans, and other implements he used hung within easy reach. How one should, of course, have a gas stove but opt for the consistency of an electric oven, preferably placed high on the wall, to avoid excessive bending. How, contrariwise, a side-by-side fridge and freezer is a waste of space and the freezer as bottom drawer is preferable. How most gadgets are useless and fail the Closet Test—i.e. that anything you stick in one will never be used. How there should be good light, good music, and a good view, if possible, and a place for your guests to perch to drink wine and watch you work.
and cooking and sharing the creation of it with others
heddwch
G
Eating your whole lunch at 10:15am
Is a super terrible idea, esp when there's no more food in the office.
Lots of great benefits here, but free and available food stuffs are not among them.
I had opened this window to write up the ride to the #CBL compound, deciding to write about the two big june riding adventures in reverse order.
I ate lunch, more of a brunch, not hungry anymore I opened this up to start writing. Then a busted laser, and two hours of emailing and scheduling and logistical shell game I decided to give up on this attempt but then to be old GeWilli style and blog about fucking everything, instead of making noise in other social media outlets.
I've been introspecting a shit ton and not writing about these realizations. Seems odd maybe to feel like you're finally finding yourself, but then not quite, or getting lost in some of that old fog.
Reflecting on leaders, how people work with people. Bike shop stuff mostly, my wife's job situation factors in there too. I'm an observer, I notice stuff, some stuff though I'm pretty damn oblivious unfortunately but then over the years I have realized I pick up on much more than most more than making up (if I can stay positive for 5 min) for what I miss. Maybe. Damn that was more like 5 seconds of being positive.
In the middle of everything I did some how wind up here: http://www.simplethingcalledlife.com/2015/leonard-nimoy-jfk-kennedy-cab/ reading that...
"But what do you think?"
As little as I feel I focus on me I realize I'm doing what I think i need to do, what I need to and rarely do I slow down to ask 'what do you think?' mostly because there's little communication beyond simple need level activities.
It leads into the leadership thing though. "What do you think?" Soliciting feedback, considering other's points of view are strong leadership tactics. You don't have to actually use their ideas, but different suggestions may help you see a solution in a new way.
not being very successful at staying on topic or on point or making any sense.
my bike commute is 1.5 miles right now. the car is acting a wee bit funny. and I'm hungry again.
and out of time...
and overwhelmed...
but visually looking at this prompts me to probably make myself late (but that's nothing new)
that's one of the bigger problems with social media stuff - there's little room for (by design?) and few behave on the "what do you think?" level, they are more "this is what you should think" or "this is what i think and if you dissagree i'm going to say something mean and sound like a bully and all my like minded friends that support me and also dissagree will back me up. Lets gang up on that guy who might actually have a point, a weak point, but still maybe valid, because yeah, thats what FB and stuff is for."
I'm making observations here, not judging, not singling out a single event, just condesing years of watching and observing and remembering...
oh and i haven't watched even a minute of the TDF coverage, first year ever that maybe I didn't see any Giro coverage, not one minute of it. Big reason was just being too busy, other reason, just don't care honestly. More excited to hear about stuff like Bradford did... even reading Ryan's blog about the 200 on 100... way more interesting. Can't really get excited about mt bikes though, sorry.
oh shit now i'm in trouble, time to fire up hyperspeed despite feeling suddenly really tired #oops
heddwch
G
Lots of great benefits here, but free and available food stuffs are not among them.
I had opened this window to write up the ride to the #CBL compound, deciding to write about the two big june riding adventures in reverse order.
I ate lunch, more of a brunch, not hungry anymore I opened this up to start writing. Then a busted laser, and two hours of emailing and scheduling and logistical shell game I decided to give up on this attempt but then to be old GeWilli style and blog about fucking everything, instead of making noise in other social media outlets.
I've been introspecting a shit ton and not writing about these realizations. Seems odd maybe to feel like you're finally finding yourself, but then not quite, or getting lost in some of that old fog.
Reflecting on leaders, how people work with people. Bike shop stuff mostly, my wife's job situation factors in there too. I'm an observer, I notice stuff, some stuff though I'm pretty damn oblivious unfortunately but then over the years I have realized I pick up on much more than most more than making up (if I can stay positive for 5 min) for what I miss. Maybe. Damn that was more like 5 seconds of being positive.
In the middle of everything I did some how wind up here: http://www.simplethingcalledlife.com/2015/leonard-nimoy-jfk-kennedy-cab/ reading that...
"But what do you think?"
As little as I feel I focus on me I realize I'm doing what I think i need to do, what I need to and rarely do I slow down to ask 'what do you think?' mostly because there's little communication beyond simple need level activities.
It leads into the leadership thing though. "What do you think?" Soliciting feedback, considering other's points of view are strong leadership tactics. You don't have to actually use their ideas, but different suggestions may help you see a solution in a new way.
not being very successful at staying on topic or on point or making any sense.
my bike commute is 1.5 miles right now. the car is acting a wee bit funny. and I'm hungry again.
and out of time...
and overwhelmed...
but visually looking at this prompts me to probably make myself late (but that's nothing new)
that's one of the bigger problems with social media stuff - there's little room for (by design?) and few behave on the "what do you think?" level, they are more "this is what you should think" or "this is what i think and if you dissagree i'm going to say something mean and sound like a bully and all my like minded friends that support me and also dissagree will back me up. Lets gang up on that guy who might actually have a point, a weak point, but still maybe valid, because yeah, thats what FB and stuff is for."
I'm making observations here, not judging, not singling out a single event, just condesing years of watching and observing and remembering...
oh and i haven't watched even a minute of the TDF coverage, first year ever that maybe I didn't see any Giro coverage, not one minute of it. Big reason was just being too busy, other reason, just don't care honestly. More excited to hear about stuff like Bradford did... even reading Ryan's blog about the 200 on 100... way more interesting. Can't really get excited about mt bikes though, sorry.
oh shit now i'm in trouble, time to fire up hyperspeed despite feeling suddenly really tired #oops
heddwch
G
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