What rules the world? Coffee and Beer and Bikes.
the holy trinity for bike mechanics and cyclocross racers. Sure, you can skip one or the other, plenty go just fine w/o the beer, others w/o the coffee... but most kind of hit all three.
Coffee here in the picture factory is ritualistic. I kept count of how many pots of coffee by how many packs of filters I've gone through in the last 10.5 years, well I was keeping count until the last purchase, Kind of forgot how many, oops. Yes, I took a break once. Took a whole summer to taper off the bitter dark bean juice. Went to a mix of 50:50 decaf until 100% decaf then stopped. did the 24HOGG and just stayed off, having a coffee before CX races that fall, then once a month special treat of a macchiato or something. And then Boom. back on the juice.
So yes, Before I even change out of commuting gear, I start the pot of coffee (go get water, measure out the grounds) and listen to the familiar chortles of the old standby maker. It does a good job. I like this coffee, others seem to like it too, happy to share.
Thursday I used the last of the coffee in the office. Friday I brought in enough for Friday and Monday (resupplied on Saturday). Monday because I knew heading into the office for teaching I might forget and it would be a disaster to try and get through a 2-5p lecture with a sub-optimal amount of coffee.
But then in the crazy post teaching trying to fix the microscope madness leaving I forgot to set an internal reminder to bring more coffee in. I forgot. And I made it into work before remembering.
Like totally forgot. DAMNIT.
Okay, not a problem. I had some coffee before I left the house. the morning ritual, the get all systems rev'd up and working. But it was wearing off pretty quickly. 10:30 rolled around and the pre-cursor to the withdrawal headache was starting to bloom. Desperate measures. Pulled out the Starbux giftcards and hoped there was enough on one to get a coffee.
Walk over. They are closed. Facility problems. CLOSED. Fuck. I could walk down to downtown, or over to wayland, but those are a commitment to walk there, and I didn't have a coat/jacket today. Because riding in I didn't need one. It was fine for riding not so much for walking. And yes could have gotten the bike but there's no lock at work since my back up's key snapped off inside the lock. BTW Don't leave the key in a NY Chain lock. Accidents happen and the key can snap off kind of easily. And it is not easy to get out.
Walked back to the office, thought about digging into the emergency caffeinated Cliff Shot, but didn't want all that extra sugar to go along with it and the Chocolate Cherry flavor just was unappetizing at the moment. So... I said f'it and went and bought a coffee at Blue State. No wonder I make my own, this shit is expensive. HOW DO PEOPLE AFFORD THIS SHT EVERY DAY! I guess that would be one way to get me to quit! Hell two coffees = six pack of Tall Boys. Fuuuuuck. But then there are other benefits for people, the ritual, it really isn't that much money, and hey, it works. I'm just one of those who tend to kind of like to make shit themselves, esp something as simple and essential as coffee.
Downside is we have smackdown tonight. Inside. And it will be interesting going into it with a low caffeine load.
But Erin brought a big pile of pastries home from the Bread Labs so I'll just fuel based on them. Load up on pecan and blueberry muffins, may be coffee debt but won't be in glycogen debt for today's intensity workout.
Plan is to target the Fight for Air Climb, Last year it took me 2 min or so, Paul Curley did it 15-20 seconds faster than I did. I wasn't in great shape at the end of the season last year, I wasn't doing any intensity, didn't go to Nationals, and the weather kind of sucked a bit. I'd never done one of these stair sprint things before either. And shit for that matter I out weigh Paul by what 70 pounds? Goal this year is to get closer, just a bit maybe. So what to decide for tonight's workout? 2 min intervals seem kind of what to do. 2 min then 4 min recovery. Kind of long for recovery but also makes you a bit fresher for each one. Although I kind of am in an internal debate with the idea of cutting that in half, 1 min max effort to failure, 2 min recovery repeat. Def the latter now that I think about it. Esp since we're going to be repeating it. Now. To do two blocks of 15 min with 5 rest, or three blocks of 9 min with 5 min between... Two different systems, the two blocks of 15 may be a bit intense, and too challenging to make 5 1 min in a row consistent for most people. mentally 3 sets would be easier. Probably wind up with that.
Now to figure out what tunes to pair with it, from the sounds of it we'll have a decent turnout tonight. Looking forward to it, despite being super low on coffee.
Probably going to leave a bit early, first so I can go home and make a nice Quad to fire up the synapses before the Smackdown, AND more importantly so that I'm only fighting the wind and not the rain too. There are already winds hitting 37mph on my commute home. HEADMOTHERFUCKINGWINDS. Yes. That could be worse, but it'll feel bad enough on the single speed. A cross wind that strong on the slush and the remaining water covered ice would be bone breaking crash level shit, even with studded tires.
Either way it'll be a struggle on the SSCX. Hoping for much more melt than there was this morning. So much of the path was standing water on solid ice. Not nearly as slick as the dusting of powder snow over the ice that was there last night, but still damn slick. Ruts that were filled in with packed snow yesterday morning were all exposed and ready to suck tires in.
That said I noticed I was riding in the fat tire track with much more easy than I was last week. I guess this commuting has worked better than riding 12" wide rollers. I can let the bike drop in a rut and ride it out w/o eating shit or dabbing. And yes that 4-5" fat tire packed ice track wasn't super easy to stay on but was easier to make progress on it than the packed/melty shit on either side of it.
Also, read this, maybe that's what I should to, revert to writing just to myself. Although the printing out thing. Potentially maybe not bad idea. Need to hire an intern for that. Probably should get a new CX bike before spending money on an assistant to print this bullshit out.
Gotta remember coffee tomorrow.... gotta remember coffee....
heddwch
G
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Monday, February 08, 2016
I should shovel
But words, emotions uncaptured, ideas still floating.
I paused mid-commute home to snap this shot.
There's more to say, much more.
I had to stop, snow melting on the screen of the phone was impeding the sensor recognition, took lots of effort just to post it before taking off on the bike again.
The thoughts riding through the unbroken mounts, the ripples, the "corduroy?" it was an amazing commute home. Yes, I commuted to work when I didn't have to, when work was closed.
I needed the ride more than I realized.
I needed that time on the bike.
The ride in, there was a dusting of snow but it was easy to tell where the lumpy rutted ice was and where the path had gone down to bare pavement between Friday and this morning. I could pick and choose pretty well and find the smooth sections and pedal with relative ease. The ruts were all visible, still there but I could see them and prepare and or avoid them.
The ride home? Despite the fierce wind and the powdery nature of the snow, it had accumulated. It wasn't flat, it was in those rolling but ridged dunes, and it completely obscured the ruts and ice and frozen footfalls beneath.
But struggling to keeping going through it all on the Garbage Truck, with the 35c tires, the 46x19 gearing, all I could think of was "This is a perfect metaphor for life." I'm doing something abjectly impossible for pretty much everyone except my CXy cohort. And even then more than half if not most of them probably would hate it and bail and miss the point. The struggle with the riding on the ruts, the holding the bike up, how do you turn in that, body language, let the bike flow, point and ride. It is like life. I've chosen a general direction. Abjectly not the easiest, and I'm making it sort of work, none of anything I have is new, or in good shape, but I'm doing the best I can with what I have, I'm not trying to impose my will or force it, just react, and stay upright and moving forward.
In light of the weekend's news, that's telling enough. Moving forward, it is work, but the low cadence quad firing feels just right. My legs are responding and different than they ever have been. I'm not any faster but maybe I'm just more in tune and maybe while not faster I'm not slower and being not slower 10 years later isn't terrible? No?
The reaction, the pedaling, the forcing through.
Friday's ride home through the wet snow was brutal. Snow was packing into the one cog and it kept skipping. Litereally how the fuck does a SSCX fuck up? I dunno, couldn't figure it out. So I made a small change yesterday, but the dry snow didn't pack up the way it did on Friday and I had no problems with the bike on the ride home. The handling on the garbage truck is absolutely abysmal but it works well enough and because it isn't easier maybe I work hard and that's just well deserved penance.
I wrote the words above in the instagram because I had the urge to just get home and write, and write and write. And I knew that If I didn't get the basis of the thoughts down I might miss it.
Something about the creativity thing, along the lines of John Prine, the video i posted this weekend. What is it we do. What is it I do. I don't know. It is depressing to look around at everyone else your age as they arise to CEO level shit, or hit major points where salary starts rewarding them for years of work, and I'm still just doing what I did 20+ years ago, struggling with an ever increasing fiscal demon. But, this is my path. Like riding on the bike path instead of the well plowed and salted road... My journey is under my control, as much as I hate myself for it, this is me, I need to own up to that and realize it at some point. I'm not anyone's boss, i have no one working for me, but that's okay. I need to remind myself that. That this is me, and me is okay. Like riding alone in the snow, the hidden ruts, best to just react. Life has prepared me for this, take the lessons learned and apply them, let instinct react, no not instinct, but practice and reaction, reps and skills, acquired life/riding has prepared me well do deal with this. Sometimes it isn't fun but sometimes it is difficult but rewarding and fun. Today was that. Fun. Difficult. Not easy.
But I felt absolutely at home, on the bike, alone.
Emphasis almost on the alone. But then being able to share. I wish I had better tools to share the view, the shots the scene, the colors the lack of colors. I wish I had a fancy Leica Monochrome M or one of the Phase black and white cameras or some just perfect digital way to capture things in black and white.
That is my aesthetic. Scanning electron microscopy, black and white film, contrast, texture, light. But then, adversity and making due is what I do. I don't have the luxury of luxury, but i do what I do with what i have and that has to be okay, even when I doesn't feel like it. Disc brakes and a true SSCX bike would make everything much more reliable and faster/better/stronger, but that's now my plan, plot or path.
And that is okay.
But today was magic on the bike.
Today was not a fast day but it was a perfect magical day that I am incredibly thankful for.
heddwch
G
I paused mid-commute home to snap this shot.
There's more to say, much more.
I had to stop, snow melting on the screen of the phone was impeding the sensor recognition, took lots of effort just to post it before taking off on the bike again.
The thoughts riding through the unbroken mounts, the ripples, the "corduroy?" it was an amazing commute home. Yes, I commuted to work when I didn't have to, when work was closed.
I needed the ride more than I realized.
I needed that time on the bike.
The ride in, there was a dusting of snow but it was easy to tell where the lumpy rutted ice was and where the path had gone down to bare pavement between Friday and this morning. I could pick and choose pretty well and find the smooth sections and pedal with relative ease. The ruts were all visible, still there but I could see them and prepare and or avoid them.
The ride home? Despite the fierce wind and the powdery nature of the snow, it had accumulated. It wasn't flat, it was in those rolling but ridged dunes, and it completely obscured the ruts and ice and frozen footfalls beneath.
But struggling to keeping going through it all on the Garbage Truck, with the 35c tires, the 46x19 gearing, all I could think of was "This is a perfect metaphor for life." I'm doing something abjectly impossible for pretty much everyone except my CXy cohort. And even then more than half if not most of them probably would hate it and bail and miss the point. The struggle with the riding on the ruts, the holding the bike up, how do you turn in that, body language, let the bike flow, point and ride. It is like life. I've chosen a general direction. Abjectly not the easiest, and I'm making it sort of work, none of anything I have is new, or in good shape, but I'm doing the best I can with what I have, I'm not trying to impose my will or force it, just react, and stay upright and moving forward.
In light of the weekend's news, that's telling enough. Moving forward, it is work, but the low cadence quad firing feels just right. My legs are responding and different than they ever have been. I'm not any faster but maybe I'm just more in tune and maybe while not faster I'm not slower and being not slower 10 years later isn't terrible? No?
The reaction, the pedaling, the forcing through.
Friday's ride home through the wet snow was brutal. Snow was packing into the one cog and it kept skipping. Litereally how the fuck does a SSCX fuck up? I dunno, couldn't figure it out. So I made a small change yesterday, but the dry snow didn't pack up the way it did on Friday and I had no problems with the bike on the ride home. The handling on the garbage truck is absolutely abysmal but it works well enough and because it isn't easier maybe I work hard and that's just well deserved penance.
I wrote the words above in the instagram because I had the urge to just get home and write, and write and write. And I knew that If I didn't get the basis of the thoughts down I might miss it.
Something about the creativity thing, along the lines of John Prine, the video i posted this weekend. What is it we do. What is it I do. I don't know. It is depressing to look around at everyone else your age as they arise to CEO level shit, or hit major points where salary starts rewarding them for years of work, and I'm still just doing what I did 20+ years ago, struggling with an ever increasing fiscal demon. But, this is my path. Like riding on the bike path instead of the well plowed and salted road... My journey is under my control, as much as I hate myself for it, this is me, I need to own up to that and realize it at some point. I'm not anyone's boss, i have no one working for me, but that's okay. I need to remind myself that. That this is me, and me is okay. Like riding alone in the snow, the hidden ruts, best to just react. Life has prepared me for this, take the lessons learned and apply them, let instinct react, no not instinct, but practice and reaction, reps and skills, acquired life/riding has prepared me well do deal with this. Sometimes it isn't fun but sometimes it is difficult but rewarding and fun. Today was that. Fun. Difficult. Not easy.
But I felt absolutely at home, on the bike, alone.
Emphasis almost on the alone. But then being able to share. I wish I had better tools to share the view, the shots the scene, the colors the lack of colors. I wish I had a fancy Leica Monochrome M or one of the Phase black and white cameras or some just perfect digital way to capture things in black and white.
That is my aesthetic. Scanning electron microscopy, black and white film, contrast, texture, light. But then, adversity and making due is what I do. I don't have the luxury of luxury, but i do what I do with what i have and that has to be okay, even when I doesn't feel like it. Disc brakes and a true SSCX bike would make everything much more reliable and faster/better/stronger, but that's now my plan, plot or path.
And that is okay.
But today was magic on the bike.
Today was not a fast day but it was a perfect magical day that I am incredibly thankful for.
heddwch
G
closed what?
I'd spent part of the weekend, not quite enough, getting ready for the lecture today. Got it to the point where I had only a couple manageable things to do today before class.
And then at 8:51pm last night i got the email that classes were cancelled and the office closed today.
Okay. That kind of frustrating. Class meets ONCE A WEEK. The lecture part at least, there rest of the week is arranged time that is SCHEDULED DURING CLASS. And there are not that many weeks in the semester and I don't have any buffer weeks built into the syllabus.
Oh well, kind of minor but frustrating. It is a solvable problem, easy to deal with, we'll figure it out (which is partly what I'm doing at work today anyway, figuring it out even though the whole place is shut down and there's a parking ban in effect).
A very somber tenor the the evening came as an email earlier than the announcement of cancelling classes.
An email from one side of the family, subject line simply "sad news"
I was in the middle of pre-baking the pizzas and waited to read it till I had the first one in the oven with toppings...
first line in the subject floored me and a wave of numbness and tears flowed before I got to the word 'saturday'
"I am writing you to share the very sad news that my sister ______ took her life on Saturday."
this was a person who i'd say I was probably the closest to growing up on that side of the family. Not super close, not really staying much in contact outside of reunions or other happy/sad family gatherings. But more than just an idle distant relation. And this was unexpected to me... the next line was so welcome, an offering much appreciated, as i think the whole family is one of scholars, scientists and thinkers and deal better with facts than unknowns, and generally want to know vs be left in the dark. But the sensitivity to those who prefer not to know is certainly a sensitive detail.
"I am going to go ahead and tell you some of the details because my experience is that many of you will want to know these things, and I would rather not have to explain it many times over. Feel free to stop reading if you don’t want to know any more."
The details are so painful but also so routine in cases like this. So much talk about Dave Mira lately, qued up my emotions I suppose, friends who've struggled with depression and anxiety, my struggles with them, I know too well, and it hurts esp when it happens.
Reading this isn't so related to ____'s death by suicide, (it is a direct response to Mira's) but is a great way to frame the events, have some perspective... doesn't make it hurt less though.
The weather is deteriorating a bit, sort of. Probably best to wrap up the last set of phone calls and emails and get the heck out of here. At least there'll be a nice tailwind for the ride home. And the temps are cold enough that it should be fun powder for the ride, not the heavy wet slog home that it was on Friday.
Check the instagram feed for photos https://www.instagram.com/ge_willi/
heddwch
G
And then at 8:51pm last night i got the email that classes were cancelled and the office closed today.
Okay. That kind of frustrating. Class meets ONCE A WEEK. The lecture part at least, there rest of the week is arranged time that is SCHEDULED DURING CLASS. And there are not that many weeks in the semester and I don't have any buffer weeks built into the syllabus.
Oh well, kind of minor but frustrating. It is a solvable problem, easy to deal with, we'll figure it out (which is partly what I'm doing at work today anyway, figuring it out even though the whole place is shut down and there's a parking ban in effect).
A very somber tenor the the evening came as an email earlier than the announcement of cancelling classes.
An email from one side of the family, subject line simply "sad news"
I was in the middle of pre-baking the pizzas and waited to read it till I had the first one in the oven with toppings...
first line in the subject floored me and a wave of numbness and tears flowed before I got to the word 'saturday'
"I am writing you to share the very sad news that my sister ______ took her life on Saturday."
this was a person who i'd say I was probably the closest to growing up on that side of the family. Not super close, not really staying much in contact outside of reunions or other happy/sad family gatherings. But more than just an idle distant relation. And this was unexpected to me... the next line was so welcome, an offering much appreciated, as i think the whole family is one of scholars, scientists and thinkers and deal better with facts than unknowns, and generally want to know vs be left in the dark. But the sensitivity to those who prefer not to know is certainly a sensitive detail.
"I am going to go ahead and tell you some of the details because my experience is that many of you will want to know these things, and I would rather not have to explain it many times over. Feel free to stop reading if you don’t want to know any more."
The details are so painful but also so routine in cases like this. So much talk about Dave Mira lately, qued up my emotions I suppose, friends who've struggled with depression and anxiety, my struggles with them, I know too well, and it hurts esp when it happens.
Reading this isn't so related to ____'s death by suicide, (it is a direct response to Mira's) but is a great way to frame the events, have some perspective... doesn't make it hurt less though.
The weather is deteriorating a bit, sort of. Probably best to wrap up the last set of phone calls and emails and get the heck out of here. At least there'll be a nice tailwind for the ride home. And the temps are cold enough that it should be fun powder for the ride, not the heavy wet slog home that it was on Friday.
Check the instagram feed for photos https://www.instagram.com/ge_willi/
heddwch
G
Saturday, February 06, 2016
words, creativity, thought processes
generic title i suppose, for a not really generic thought process rolling in my head right now.
over taxed kid got a bit under the weather, opted to skip the morning activities, rendering an oddly quiet day here. I even took a nap. I know I was tired because I had a shit ton of coffee yesterday before 1pm and by 3pm I was physically exhausted (but still shoveled then made dinner, built fire, screwed around on internet) and finally almost literally passed out. Only to wake up at 2am, with the thought "Hey maybe there are still coals in the stove, I can re-stoke it and we'll get some more heating from the wood vs the forced air furnace.
Furnace still hasn't kicked on today. Between the bright sun and the indoor temp and milder outside it has been pleasant here at the casa. And hey, saving a few cents of natural gas and electricity in the process.
Brain kind of in overdrive after watching this over a late lunch:
inCommon with Mike Leonard: Creativity from The Telling Well on Vimeo.
Tied in with the whole creative process, the ideas, the thoughts that flow and the ability/desire to get them down. Why? I'm not sure.
Lately I suppose the words haven't been insanely positive or up beat, but they've been real. Too raw? I Dunno, that's what this web log has always been about.
Thinking about teaching the class, the thoughts are now that we have the people in the class, lets give them a better glimpse of me, no not showing them this, no. Showing them first one of the Dirtwire highlight reels from one of the races. I can't remember which one it was that was short but had everything in it that was essentially CX. It was from this season so I should be able to find it I suppose. And then pull out the old Woods Hole talk.
I've had a big creative push lately, despite the added stress of the class, and I think that's been helping. Nanoscape is reaching out a bit more, the images have having an impact and I've given some new people a glimpse, an insite, to the process. One person on friday actually had me realize this thing is a real thing. I have moved on from just looking at random stuff under the scope and taking these one off images.
Through the process of forcing myself to think about these images as "collections" i've worked more almost now unconsciously at creating cohesive groups of images, all striking and stand alone but grouped logically and topically together. The story line for each set winds up being effortless.
It is a part of the imaging process I've never really focused on outside of art class. And even there in classes, my idiotic bias against art history kept me from the opportunity to develop my own senior collection as an undergrad.
I have to still go shopping today, kind of dreading it, mostly because of what tomorrow brings. That said the patriots aren't playing so that's gonna be a bit less crazy but it is still an event. But you know all the commercials will be on youtube Monday, so what's the point? Other than to watch Manning get crushed? Not sure. Last year I think I spent the day cooking. Maybe I should again this time. We haven't made pizza in a while. Perhaps tomorrow we do GeWilli style pizza, brush off the dough making skill set.
I wanted to write about Mira, but feel maybe it is best to let that rest and wait. I dissagreed with someone on the internet, also turns out I may have a different interpretation of the neurological processes, but then I work with brain people pretty much every day and have sat in on a huge pile of neurological research in the last 10 years, maybe a different perspective than others. I could be wrong but hey, i just gave up, deleted all my comments and went on from there.
Sitting in the shower, after watching the Prine doc, I had the urge to do a Dirtwire/Cz style documentary with my family about Magical Strings, about the music, why we're still doing it 38 or so years later, why we all come back... but I don't have the interview skills to pose the questions, nor the equipment to record or edit the footage. Maybe though it can happen somehow. Mix in footage from the live show, backstage, traveling on the Ferry Boats, driving, up late drinking and playing dominos. I do have a miniDV tape laying around of us playing dominos and drinking 12-14 years ago, would be funny to drag some of that footage in there. We've had news crews do full TV interviews 30+ years ago, finding that footage would be super cool. But then now I'm pushing into the realm of professional production levels, CBS Sunday Morning kind of stuff.
Ideas though, have lots, write them down, maybe if you get a tiny percentage fulfilled you're still overwhelmed.
Lecture for Monday is going to be different, I mentioned talking about me a bit and what makes me and defines me. I'm also not going to use powerpoint, or have notes available. I will don't worry, give them some supplemental reading that will compliment my whiteboard show.
Going to be re-releasing a few prints too. Because some folks wanted one or two that sold out very quickly.
but time now for shopping... food procuring, ideas for meals now need to take over...
today very much a reset, I could have gone for a ride with others, but also, more than the ride, i needed the rest. The down time.
time to pick up the pace, half a day of relaxing isn't so bad.
heddwch
G
over taxed kid got a bit under the weather, opted to skip the morning activities, rendering an oddly quiet day here. I even took a nap. I know I was tired because I had a shit ton of coffee yesterday before 1pm and by 3pm I was physically exhausted (but still shoveled then made dinner, built fire, screwed around on internet) and finally almost literally passed out. Only to wake up at 2am, with the thought "Hey maybe there are still coals in the stove, I can re-stoke it and we'll get some more heating from the wood vs the forced air furnace.
Furnace still hasn't kicked on today. Between the bright sun and the indoor temp and milder outside it has been pleasant here at the casa. And hey, saving a few cents of natural gas and electricity in the process.
Brain kind of in overdrive after watching this over a late lunch:
inCommon with Mike Leonard: Creativity from The Telling Well on Vimeo.
Tied in with the whole creative process, the ideas, the thoughts that flow and the ability/desire to get them down. Why? I'm not sure.
Lately I suppose the words haven't been insanely positive or up beat, but they've been real. Too raw? I Dunno, that's what this web log has always been about.
Thinking about teaching the class, the thoughts are now that we have the people in the class, lets give them a better glimpse of me, no not showing them this, no. Showing them first one of the Dirtwire highlight reels from one of the races. I can't remember which one it was that was short but had everything in it that was essentially CX. It was from this season so I should be able to find it I suppose. And then pull out the old Woods Hole talk.
I've had a big creative push lately, despite the added stress of the class, and I think that's been helping. Nanoscape is reaching out a bit more, the images have having an impact and I've given some new people a glimpse, an insite, to the process. One person on friday actually had me realize this thing is a real thing. I have moved on from just looking at random stuff under the scope and taking these one off images.
Through the process of forcing myself to think about these images as "collections" i've worked more almost now unconsciously at creating cohesive groups of images, all striking and stand alone but grouped logically and topically together. The story line for each set winds up being effortless.
It is a part of the imaging process I've never really focused on outside of art class. And even there in classes, my idiotic bias against art history kept me from the opportunity to develop my own senior collection as an undergrad.
I have to still go shopping today, kind of dreading it, mostly because of what tomorrow brings. That said the patriots aren't playing so that's gonna be a bit less crazy but it is still an event. But you know all the commercials will be on youtube Monday, so what's the point? Other than to watch Manning get crushed? Not sure. Last year I think I spent the day cooking. Maybe I should again this time. We haven't made pizza in a while. Perhaps tomorrow we do GeWilli style pizza, brush off the dough making skill set.
I wanted to write about Mira, but feel maybe it is best to let that rest and wait. I dissagreed with someone on the internet, also turns out I may have a different interpretation of the neurological processes, but then I work with brain people pretty much every day and have sat in on a huge pile of neurological research in the last 10 years, maybe a different perspective than others. I could be wrong but hey, i just gave up, deleted all my comments and went on from there.
Sitting in the shower, after watching the Prine doc, I had the urge to do a Dirtwire/Cz style documentary with my family about Magical Strings, about the music, why we're still doing it 38 or so years later, why we all come back... but I don't have the interview skills to pose the questions, nor the equipment to record or edit the footage. Maybe though it can happen somehow. Mix in footage from the live show, backstage, traveling on the Ferry Boats, driving, up late drinking and playing dominos. I do have a miniDV tape laying around of us playing dominos and drinking 12-14 years ago, would be funny to drag some of that footage in there. We've had news crews do full TV interviews 30+ years ago, finding that footage would be super cool. But then now I'm pushing into the realm of professional production levels, CBS Sunday Morning kind of stuff.
Ideas though, have lots, write them down, maybe if you get a tiny percentage fulfilled you're still overwhelmed.
Lecture for Monday is going to be different, I mentioned talking about me a bit and what makes me and defines me. I'm also not going to use powerpoint, or have notes available. I will don't worry, give them some supplemental reading that will compliment my whiteboard show.
Going to be re-releasing a few prints too. Because some folks wanted one or two that sold out very quickly.
but time now for shopping... food procuring, ideas for meals now need to take over...
today very much a reset, I could have gone for a ride with others, but also, more than the ride, i needed the rest. The down time.
time to pick up the pace, half a day of relaxing isn't so bad.
heddwch
G
Thursday, February 04, 2016
triggers....
a night full of them, non-stop.
Heck maybe it started this morning with Orange Juice and went down hill from there? Who's to say, maybe the missing book and the lack of parts to fix a busted scope are all inter-related, conspiring to make my day super shitty.
Heck maybe it started this morning with Orange Juice and went down hill from there? Who's to say, maybe the missing book and the lack of parts to fix a busted scope are all inter-related, conspiring to make my day super shitty.
Tuesday, February 02, 2016
Ass. Kicked.
Tuesday night indoor smackdown was brutal tonight.
Why? Well I came up with a workout that hurt. Where did I get the workout from? Not sure really. Kind of from here/there/everywhere a synthesis of yeah that makes sense and should provide target goals for an hour long workout.
Okay it went 65 minutes today.
Music nailed down, so that was good.
15 min warm up, excessive? no not for this one.
then two blocks of 15 min, sprint out of the saddle hard as you can for 10 seconds, then settle into tempo for 50 seconds. 15 sprints, 15 min of tempo, 5 min rest between, repeat.
Holy crap that was a sneaky dickhead workout. I crushed me.
But one workout a week coupled with commuting seems about right right now. Need to get a Hundo in soon. Desperately. For so many reasons.
Weather has been great but I've been totally unable to ride when it is nice other than to and from work. So Tuesday nights are good.
Batteries? Charged to the max after the class. So many amazing kids in there, the class is going to be good. It will be a shit ton of work but it will be good. But too much coffee left me a bit restless last night, sleepless and today was a bit of a struggle, but made it through, should sleep well tonight if past is predictor, because i'm toasted. BUT - tonight's workout was so hard and legs so thrashed that I could revert into the "hey we're your legs and you shredded us today so we're going to make sure you don't sleep again tonight" ugh
The battery thing. Almost like i'm an electric car with a very visual display of battery power, I've become very much more aware of it, and can actually sense the recharge, and the worst, feel the drain. Finding the balance, but tonight's trainer session was a good recharge. Although I can't move off the couch, I feel good.
It has been a struggle. So much good, so much thankful for, but in the same hand almost so much that creates such a drain, a struggle, conflict, and challenges.
One thing i've noticed more is perception and i see people differently, their potential... and those who have something special, and a harmonic that fits with something. Even when I couldn't figure out why it was a match but I kind of knew it and helped open some doors and they often find themselves. It has happened quite a few very memorable times - noting people's personalities, matching them up, setting them up introducing them and a handful of them are actually still married and have kids. More lately a student has shown a brilliant understanding and adaptation to techniques with the microscopes, since getting to know this person more I can see patterns and trends that I know i struggled with and counseling/advice sessions have been good for them - finding solutions and ways to turn stuff around in a positive manner.
I think while 'Stas had a huge positive influence this past fall regarding this, it really started to sink in, specifically, in '09/10 when Syl, who's a pro with the brain analysis shit, suggested that the only way to overcome our mental challenges is to figure out how to harness them and use them to our advantage.
All this extra work with the neuro department, answering questions with the scopes on topics that range from addiction to ALS.
Today Nanoscape the entity and the person worked with people who've never seen the process, and it was total recharge. Images are up on the Faceplace place (Like it already damnit - i wanna hit 300 likes for some reason, not that many but sort of a number that is better than 2whatever it is now).
But the brain, so complicated so amazing. Yes, I'm still working through the last couple chapters of Oliver Sacks book, and damn what an amazing book. SO good. Too many amazings, sorry.
Things good? I dunno. Things are. Right now is the first just me time, and I"m writing.
I'd say something about the motors in bikes or dopers retroactively caught but do those take away from cycling? from Cyclocross? More importantly do they take away from my relationship and return from it?
No.
Not. At. All.
Life's crazy. Life is strange.
Join me in Providence for the next Tuesday Night Indoor Smackdown.
or yeah who knows
i'm tired but am afraid i won't be able to sleep
heddwch
G
Why? Well I came up with a workout that hurt. Where did I get the workout from? Not sure really. Kind of from here/there/everywhere a synthesis of yeah that makes sense and should provide target goals for an hour long workout.
Okay it went 65 minutes today.
Music nailed down, so that was good.
15 min warm up, excessive? no not for this one.
then two blocks of 15 min, sprint out of the saddle hard as you can for 10 seconds, then settle into tempo for 50 seconds. 15 sprints, 15 min of tempo, 5 min rest between, repeat.
Holy crap that was a sneaky dickhead workout. I crushed me.
But one workout a week coupled with commuting seems about right right now. Need to get a Hundo in soon. Desperately. For so many reasons.
Weather has been great but I've been totally unable to ride when it is nice other than to and from work. So Tuesday nights are good.
Batteries? Charged to the max after the class. So many amazing kids in there, the class is going to be good. It will be a shit ton of work but it will be good. But too much coffee left me a bit restless last night, sleepless and today was a bit of a struggle, but made it through, should sleep well tonight if past is predictor, because i'm toasted. BUT - tonight's workout was so hard and legs so thrashed that I could revert into the "hey we're your legs and you shredded us today so we're going to make sure you don't sleep again tonight" ugh
The battery thing. Almost like i'm an electric car with a very visual display of battery power, I've become very much more aware of it, and can actually sense the recharge, and the worst, feel the drain. Finding the balance, but tonight's trainer session was a good recharge. Although I can't move off the couch, I feel good.
It has been a struggle. So much good, so much thankful for, but in the same hand almost so much that creates such a drain, a struggle, conflict, and challenges.
One thing i've noticed more is perception and i see people differently, their potential... and those who have something special, and a harmonic that fits with something. Even when I couldn't figure out why it was a match but I kind of knew it and helped open some doors and they often find themselves. It has happened quite a few very memorable times - noting people's personalities, matching them up, setting them up introducing them and a handful of them are actually still married and have kids. More lately a student has shown a brilliant understanding and adaptation to techniques with the microscopes, since getting to know this person more I can see patterns and trends that I know i struggled with and counseling/advice sessions have been good for them - finding solutions and ways to turn stuff around in a positive manner.
I think while 'Stas had a huge positive influence this past fall regarding this, it really started to sink in, specifically, in '09/10 when Syl, who's a pro with the brain analysis shit, suggested that the only way to overcome our mental challenges is to figure out how to harness them and use them to our advantage.
All this extra work with the neuro department, answering questions with the scopes on topics that range from addiction to ALS.
Today Nanoscape the entity and the person worked with people who've never seen the process, and it was total recharge. Images are up on the Faceplace place (Like it already damnit - i wanna hit 300 likes for some reason, not that many but sort of a number that is better than 2whatever it is now).
But the brain, so complicated so amazing. Yes, I'm still working through the last couple chapters of Oliver Sacks book, and damn what an amazing book. SO good. Too many amazings, sorry.
Things good? I dunno. Things are. Right now is the first just me time, and I"m writing.
I'd say something about the motors in bikes or dopers retroactively caught but do those take away from cycling? from Cyclocross? More importantly do they take away from my relationship and return from it?
No.
Not. At. All.
Life's crazy. Life is strange.
Join me in Providence for the next Tuesday Night Indoor Smackdown.
or yeah who knows
i'm tired but am afraid i won't be able to sleep
heddwch
G
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Worlds are decided...
There are a few more races on the calendar, but more or less we're done. With CX. As a sport/season.
Time to move on.
I've had moments of "I NEED TO WRITE NOW" actually lots of them since last odd long worded post, but never quite the right opportunity to get these thoughts down. And most of all the thoughts are gone.
Between waking up for Worlds and Indoor Soccer games and being up late for winter formals and stuff, sleep has been elusive this weekend. Instead of writing here I should be outlining the lecture for tomorrow. But this feels more important and better not to put off, or wait. I have time tomorrow morning to work on the lecture. #wingit.
Watching worlds was amazing. Even the U23 race, wow. And then pinning hopes on hopes that Mani would win and then LVDH, the two little rabid pitbulls of the sport, but they finished second, well deserved and well earned and that's no slouch but we'd have been out of this orbit if they had won.
I almost tweeted that maybe Meg M's presence at worlds would be like the triple crown, a lucky charm. But no, Mani couldn't quite hold on, sort of like Lars, but hey, brilliant ride and it takes nothing away from either of them.
I could go on at lengths about my feelings about the race, how it hurts to hear everyone bully Cant about her emotional outbursts, but most have similar feelings and most have watched it all, no need to rehash here.
Rehashing the words from last post over and over, read it a couple times, no urge to change it all but it is also true. Should I be that honest about it all? Maybe not, but then if i wasn't then what's the point?
it was with great ambition that I started writing but now i am doing it an have fallen asleep twice. might take that as a sign that I should take a nap instead of writing.
more later
heddwch
G
Time to move on.
I've had moments of "I NEED TO WRITE NOW" actually lots of them since last odd long worded post, but never quite the right opportunity to get these thoughts down. And most of all the thoughts are gone.
Between waking up for Worlds and Indoor Soccer games and being up late for winter formals and stuff, sleep has been elusive this weekend. Instead of writing here I should be outlining the lecture for tomorrow. But this feels more important and better not to put off, or wait. I have time tomorrow morning to work on the lecture. #wingit.
Watching worlds was amazing. Even the U23 race, wow. And then pinning hopes on hopes that Mani would win and then LVDH, the two little rabid pitbulls of the sport, but they finished second, well deserved and well earned and that's no slouch but we'd have been out of this orbit if they had won.
I almost tweeted that maybe Meg M's presence at worlds would be like the triple crown, a lucky charm. But no, Mani couldn't quite hold on, sort of like Lars, but hey, brilliant ride and it takes nothing away from either of them.
I could go on at lengths about my feelings about the race, how it hurts to hear everyone bully Cant about her emotional outbursts, but most have similar feelings and most have watched it all, no need to rehash here.
Rehashing the words from last post over and over, read it a couple times, no urge to change it all but it is also true. Should I be that honest about it all? Maybe not, but then if i wasn't then what's the point?
it was with great ambition that I started writing but now i am doing it an have fallen asleep twice. might take that as a sign that I should take a nap instead of writing.
more later
heddwch
G
Friday, January 29, 2016
twitter replies I shouldn't make
running commentary i suppose, [translation - run the fuck away and don't read anything else - you've been warned]
This first - the other i wrote first but better put this first.
https://twitter.com/WholeFoods/status/693222121909161989
Oh yeah - low salt? Healthy? Healthy for those in your will because you're gonna die.
Biologists know this shit, nutritionists and doctors don't. Sodium is fucking essential. Low sodium diet? yeah lets see if we can kill you sooner. Also well, there are a good growing number of ignored (by psuedoscience places like WF) papers proving and pointing out that low sodium diets result in higher mortality. Also hey, lets look at osmolarity. Does sugar aka glucose tweak osmolarity? Maybe. Or not sure, it is all sodium, because, wait, what? Nah, sugar can't be the problem because I like baked goods and all that stuff, lets vilify the savory thing that isn't addictive. Also can we lump all the "this is healthy because it is low in fat" asshole and dimwhitted morons into the same boat as the salt is bad for you group? Sorry but hey read this: http://profgrant.com/2016/01/29/understanding-glucagon-and-somatostatin-28/ if you can't undestand it then you shouldn't be #1 giving advice, #2 listening to anyone who can't read it and then distill it into terms you might be able to understand. Am I being excessively harsh? Perhaps. I've had a rough fucking week and my levels of fucks to give are at zero and this has been bugging me for a long time and the damn burst.
This first - the other i wrote first but better put this first.
https://twitter.com/WholeFoods/status/693222121909161989
Oh yeah - low salt? Healthy? Healthy for those in your will because you're gonna die.
Biologists know this shit, nutritionists and doctors don't. Sodium is fucking essential. Low sodium diet? yeah lets see if we can kill you sooner. Also well, there are a good growing number of ignored (by psuedoscience places like WF) papers proving and pointing out that low sodium diets result in higher mortality. Also hey, lets look at osmolarity. Does sugar aka glucose tweak osmolarity? Maybe. Or not sure, it is all sodium, because, wait, what? Nah, sugar can't be the problem because I like baked goods and all that stuff, lets vilify the savory thing that isn't addictive. Also can we lump all the "this is healthy because it is low in fat" asshole and dimwhitted morons into the same boat as the salt is bad for you group? Sorry but hey read this: http://profgrant.com/2016/01/29/understanding-glucagon-and-somatostatin-28/ if you can't undestand it then you shouldn't be #1 giving advice, #2 listening to anyone who can't read it and then distill it into terms you might be able to understand. Am I being excessively harsh? Perhaps. I've had a rough fucking week and my levels of fucks to give are at zero and this has been bugging me for a long time and the damn burst.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
remarkable day i suppose
Nice ride in, wheel didn't break like it did yesterday. So that was nice to know the new wheel i put on has survived at least one round trip, pretty okay for being pulled out of the trash, granted with studded tires and the janky geometry of the Croll, i probably can't tell much anyway.
Really odd start, last night was super rough, set off edge and plummeted. The Introvert batteries are dead, and that means a mostly depressed emotional state. I was pretty high, doing well, after Tuesday's indoor session. Last night, shit just kind of got off the rails a bit. Keeping the sphere of influence essentially totally self contained but that's only because I'm really well practiced at that. Woke up at 2:30 super happy, awake and thinking "AWESOME that was quick, bounced back Today is gonna be a good day!" Then i realized it was 2:30 and that euphoria vanished not to return.
Really odd start, last night was super rough, set off edge and plummeted. The Introvert batteries are dead, and that means a mostly depressed emotional state. I was pretty high, doing well, after Tuesday's indoor session. Last night, shit just kind of got off the rails a bit. Keeping the sphere of influence essentially totally self contained but that's only because I'm really well practiced at that. Woke up at 2:30 super happy, awake and thinking "AWESOME that was quick, bounced back Today is gonna be a good day!" Then i realized it was 2:30 and that euphoria vanished not to return.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
flurries
of words...
tipped off by off innocuous things.
seriously, you don't want to click read more unless you have insomnia, then you'll be asleep soon
tipped off by off innocuous things.
seriously, you don't want to click read more unless you have insomnia, then you'll be asleep soon
Sunday, January 17, 2016
so totally going to hide last post
By coupling these two pieces i read today.
first I read this, and thought, man that totally fucks with every single Premier League Soccer director's speech.
Follow that up with this and I'm like wow, I'm not a coach, I'm not an elite athlete, hell I don't even consider myself an athlete when faced with the age group guys who finished on the lead lap and I was 3 down on Wed at nationals, BUT HOLY FUCK I KNOW WHAT OTS IS LIKE. Why? Because I listen, and pay attention, and read, and have pushed the envelope, and have friends who are way fucking smarter than me like solobreak.
But then there is this, and every fucking word resonated with me. Because for the dancer, it has given her all this and more.
So yeah.
Time for GeWilli has past. Close that book. Final chapter has been written, an also ran in an age group of freaks and super athletes. Give me 4 or 6 years and maybe I'll be able to afford a dedicated SSCX bike, and rededicate myself to this sport, till then? Just gonna ride my fucking bike.
Granted, the only one that is rideable right now is the Garbage Truck. The bikes that went to Nationals are still in pieces, and nothing else is ready to roll. Haven't even done any laundry since returning. Too sick.
Time to cook though. collab idea from Jess Cutler, should be good.
heddwch
G
first I read this, and thought, man that totally fucks with every single Premier League Soccer director's speech.
Follow that up with this and I'm like wow, I'm not a coach, I'm not an elite athlete, hell I don't even consider myself an athlete when faced with the age group guys who finished on the lead lap and I was 3 down on Wed at nationals, BUT HOLY FUCK I KNOW WHAT OTS IS LIKE. Why? Because I listen, and pay attention, and read, and have pushed the envelope, and have friends who are way fucking smarter than me like solobreak.
But then there is this, and every fucking word resonated with me. Because for the dancer, it has given her all this and more.
So yeah.
Time for GeWilli has past. Close that book. Final chapter has been written, an also ran in an age group of freaks and super athletes. Give me 4 or 6 years and maybe I'll be able to afford a dedicated SSCX bike, and rededicate myself to this sport, till then? Just gonna ride my fucking bike.
Granted, the only one that is rideable right now is the Garbage Truck. The bikes that went to Nationals are still in pieces, and nothing else is ready to roll. Haven't even done any laundry since returning. Too sick.
Time to cook though. collab idea from Jess Cutler, should be good.
heddwch
G
Thank you...
This post has been written a few times. The first draft deleted and abandoned completely. The second draft got way to involved in thanking each person in detail and then the thank yous got way too personal, even for GeWilli on this insane blog where i am insane and you all know that.
I will leave in the part where if these two read it and feel like listening to the words of thank you that I tried to share over coffee two years ago but maybe their misunderstanding or misassumption that the words I wanted to say over coffee were pure appreciation and gratitude but somehow this public but private struggle bus that I am wanted to say them face to face was intimidating or scary, it is understandable. But this anonymous call (even if i feel pretty certain neither reads this anymore) is the passive introvert way of reaching out one last time.
Speaking of introvert and passive and all that. GCD posted a link on Faceplace I agreed competely, then was struck but not surprised by Griggs's comment. He doesn't get it. Drove it home even more. I had an awesome time hanging out with Derek this past week. Love that guy to no end. We have lots in common, no shortage of things to talk about and absolutely nothing that we can't fill the gap without draining the introvert batteries. Yes, I can talk, and as long as I'm talking about stuff I'm passionate about, care about, I can talk at lengths. But make small talk? Meaningless fill? Not so good at that. Even with beers to fool the inner introvert.
Sidebar the size of my CX handlebars (46 c-c).
Okay now back to thank you for what? For Nationals. Thank you for the support, encouragement, the help, the support, the hugs, the faith, the love, the doughnuts, the beer, the everything.
For a guy who catalogs stuff he is given like rainman, but can't keep track of stuff he gives, it is an odd way to exist. It feels like I'm constantly and perpetually in debt (maybe life mimics finances in that way for me) perhaps i am living in perpetual debt on both sides. I dunno, somethings seem to suggest otherwise, but that's maybe a modest way of understanding the balance? Not sure. A minor awakening has happened this last year. Some would call it confidence gained, others? Just more GeWilli delusion. But what I'm hinting at is my blindness to my contribution. Yes that sounds cringingly narcissistic, but don't worry, not a chance it'll change me. Even if it should. But this balance, this equation. Syl pointed it out one time in an unrelated (but related) discussion on a ride. It is about personal perspective, about how you feel. But then how you feel may not reflect reality and what needs to change? How you perceive it? because if you have it pretty f'n awesome but perceive otherwise and you change it, man that's gonna suck. Or do you change your perspective and recognize the gifts you've been graced with?
Deep shit here at Introspection Section. Yeah. Taylor Jones and Adam Myerson aren't the only touchy emo assholes in CX. The list is long I think. Nature of the sport and how it developed in the USA.
I've rarely felt so alone as I did during CX nationals. On my own, totally and completely. But contrast with the total and complete support from friends and family that made it possible. Juxtaposition. Dichotomy. that should be my middle name.
But what I got out of the experience I think was worth ever ounce of personal sacrifice. And if i'd started the season sacrificing beer the whole year I might have gotten more out of it. But hey, room for improvement. Or some other super lame justification/rationalization.
I'm delaying writing the list of names, fear of missing someone super important is paralyzing. It would run pages and pages, but I'm going to try and focus in no order on people that my stupid asshole brain lights up as critical to the vision quest (trademarked by fatmarc).
My Wife - she gave up running a 5k a 10k a 1/2 marathon and a full marathon last weekend so I could go to nationals. That was her nationals, she gave me a give so burdened that I was unsure if I was worth it of it, certain I wasn't, but in the end so grateful for her sacrifice that allowed me to find out and discover.
Fatmarc :: VISION QUEST love you man
Negacoach - fuck you asshole, i love you too, and Thank you.
'Stas, IOW Maria Anastasia MacDonald your counsel this fall... thank you
Alfie, dude, words will never ever be able to express thanks for last week you're the best of the best
Megan, your assurances were enough to overwhelm my anxiety and that's not easy, thank you, and you over-reach the thanks, you're a rock star standing on your own two feet, i was happy to help in the limited capacity, your party was amazing congrats.
breaks right the fuck down now
everyone who bought prints, esp those who overpaid to my extreme embarrassment and total befuddlement, among potential readers: fox, cohen, chabot, kotter, JSL, williams, goldberg, brahmhall....
velocb, that fucking knucklehead, so encouraging and fucking positive, and sooo much needed.
Parsons - i'll never talk the same again
B-Mac, words from NoHo 2014 still cling to my heart, you're a special MoFo
Jared, Griggs, Pipp, Jenn, Kristen, HooptySteve, PaulyB, Pastry, Roti, BellLap, Kurt, Jena, Sickwhat, Myerson, ASG, the other Geoff, Wade, Bret, Meg, Al, Mukunda, Bill, Matt, Larry, fuuuuck this is the hard part... must keep listing names but new ones come as soon as I pause, but can't list them all... knowing that I do actually remember, it all (stupid elephant brain) please know that omissions are not deliberate
Those who reached out and broached the uncomfortable barrier and said hey to GeWilli, a special thank you.
So yeah.
I can't do better, I've tried, if I keep pushing it two paths lay ahead, fuck it up even more, or forget it completely, both are worse than this.
Please know that my temporal brain may have forgotten, but my heart never will. I suck at this, and will go back to writing more typical stuff soon.
As soon as I'm not sick anymore. So sick.
Got back, made it a day then my body said ahahahhaahahah FUCK YOU! But i'm better than I was last night, hoping to track similar improvement tomorrow night and be ready to throw down on Tuesday at NBX indoor. Too old to take more than a week off. INTERVALS!
so with that.
thank you,
love you all, so much,
thank you again, and again, and again, and again
heddwch
G
I will leave in the part where if these two read it and feel like listening to the words of thank you that I tried to share over coffee two years ago but maybe their misunderstanding or misassumption that the words I wanted to say over coffee were pure appreciation and gratitude but somehow this public but private struggle bus that I am wanted to say them face to face was intimidating or scary, it is understandable. But this anonymous call (even if i feel pretty certain neither reads this anymore) is the passive introvert way of reaching out one last time.
Speaking of introvert and passive and all that. GCD posted a link on Faceplace I agreed competely, then was struck but not surprised by Griggs's comment. He doesn't get it. Drove it home even more. I had an awesome time hanging out with Derek this past week. Love that guy to no end. We have lots in common, no shortage of things to talk about and absolutely nothing that we can't fill the gap without draining the introvert batteries. Yes, I can talk, and as long as I'm talking about stuff I'm passionate about, care about, I can talk at lengths. But make small talk? Meaningless fill? Not so good at that. Even with beers to fool the inner introvert.
Sidebar the size of my CX handlebars (46 c-c).
Okay now back to thank you for what? For Nationals. Thank you for the support, encouragement, the help, the support, the hugs, the faith, the love, the doughnuts, the beer, the everything.
For a guy who catalogs stuff he is given like rainman, but can't keep track of stuff he gives, it is an odd way to exist. It feels like I'm constantly and perpetually in debt (maybe life mimics finances in that way for me) perhaps i am living in perpetual debt on both sides. I dunno, somethings seem to suggest otherwise, but that's maybe a modest way of understanding the balance? Not sure. A minor awakening has happened this last year. Some would call it confidence gained, others? Just more GeWilli delusion. But what I'm hinting at is my blindness to my contribution. Yes that sounds cringingly narcissistic, but don't worry, not a chance it'll change me. Even if it should. But this balance, this equation. Syl pointed it out one time in an unrelated (but related) discussion on a ride. It is about personal perspective, about how you feel. But then how you feel may not reflect reality and what needs to change? How you perceive it? because if you have it pretty f'n awesome but perceive otherwise and you change it, man that's gonna suck. Or do you change your perspective and recognize the gifts you've been graced with?
Deep shit here at Introspection Section. Yeah. Taylor Jones and Adam Myerson aren't the only touchy emo assholes in CX. The list is long I think. Nature of the sport and how it developed in the USA.
I've rarely felt so alone as I did during CX nationals. On my own, totally and completely. But contrast with the total and complete support from friends and family that made it possible. Juxtaposition. Dichotomy. that should be my middle name.
But what I got out of the experience I think was worth ever ounce of personal sacrifice. And if i'd started the season sacrificing beer the whole year I might have gotten more out of it. But hey, room for improvement. Or some other super lame justification/rationalization.
I'm delaying writing the list of names, fear of missing someone super important is paralyzing. It would run pages and pages, but I'm going to try and focus in no order on people that my stupid asshole brain lights up as critical to the vision quest (trademarked by fatmarc).
My Wife - she gave up running a 5k a 10k a 1/2 marathon and a full marathon last weekend so I could go to nationals. That was her nationals, she gave me a give so burdened that I was unsure if I was worth it of it, certain I wasn't, but in the end so grateful for her sacrifice that allowed me to find out and discover.
Fatmarc :: VISION QUEST love you man
Negacoach - fuck you asshole, i love you too, and Thank you.
'Stas, IOW Maria Anastasia MacDonald your counsel this fall... thank you
Alfie, dude, words will never ever be able to express thanks for last week you're the best of the best
Megan, your assurances were enough to overwhelm my anxiety and that's not easy, thank you, and you over-reach the thanks, you're a rock star standing on your own two feet, i was happy to help in the limited capacity, your party was amazing congrats.
breaks right the fuck down now
everyone who bought prints, esp those who overpaid to my extreme embarrassment and total befuddlement, among potential readers: fox, cohen, chabot, kotter, JSL, williams, goldberg, brahmhall....
velocb, that fucking knucklehead, so encouraging and fucking positive, and sooo much needed.
Parsons - i'll never talk the same again
B-Mac, words from NoHo 2014 still cling to my heart, you're a special MoFo
Jared, Griggs, Pipp, Jenn, Kristen, HooptySteve, PaulyB, Pastry, Roti, BellLap, Kurt, Jena, Sickwhat, Myerson, ASG, the other Geoff, Wade, Bret, Meg, Al, Mukunda, Bill, Matt, Larry, fuuuuck this is the hard part... must keep listing names but new ones come as soon as I pause, but can't list them all... knowing that I do actually remember, it all (stupid elephant brain) please know that omissions are not deliberate
Those who reached out and broached the uncomfortable barrier and said hey to GeWilli, a special thank you.
So yeah.
I can't do better, I've tried, if I keep pushing it two paths lay ahead, fuck it up even more, or forget it completely, both are worse than this.
Please know that my temporal brain may have forgotten, but my heart never will. I suck at this, and will go back to writing more typical stuff soon.
As soon as I'm not sick anymore. So sick.
Got back, made it a day then my body said ahahahhaahahah FUCK YOU! But i'm better than I was last night, hoping to track similar improvement tomorrow night and be ready to throw down on Tuesday at NBX indoor. Too old to take more than a week off. INTERVALS!
so with that.
thank you,
love you all, so much,
thank you again, and again, and again, and again
heddwch
G
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
It is over?
Already?
So soon
What to write, so much.
What am i feeling compelled to document now?
the simple fact that riding to work and home felt effortless, like things have clicked, are working well.
Fluid. is the best way to describe how it felt.
Riding the garbage truck today with studded tires (snow and ice and the other two bikes are still packed up and single speeded - in the car, still, yes, in the car).
Feels good, different than it did on the last commute.
Effort more effortless.
Season is over but i'm even more resolved to hold on to the marginal gains i've made, forge forward to work to keep them and build on them perhaps for next year.
Cyclocross is something different all together. Can't really explain it.
Another thing I can't explain is how much I appreciate the support and love from everyone. Emotional support, physical support, places to stay, dinners, beers, words exchanged, emotions and jokes shared, life revealed and friends... so many friends.
A proper write up is needed. One that describes my redemption moment in the SSCX race, how proud i am to land that result. How insanely awesome it was to see Todd's kid Anna crush it for a lead lap finish, how Andrew Lints was THE animator as the DFL (from out POV) with his Droppah Post and Jorts in the U23 race, just how awesome it all came together. There were plenty of doubts moments of "this feels odd and uncomfortable' but i pushed through them and was rewarded.
Cliff notes version I suppose is I went on a vision quest, a dumb one, (they all are really) and came away with what you always do from true VQs. A better understanding of oneself. A stronger version, surviving personal trials and struggles. Not surprisingly still a couple buckets full of guilt for how generous people were, how inadequate i felt in face of such ability to give and generosity and willingness to do so. Every opportunity i was asked i fulfilled to my best ability. But Wed morning. Overcome repeatedly, good handful of times, overwhelmed by just how much people were willing to do to help me.
Anyway.
Proper post this line of thinking deserves.
Day one back at work wrapped up with a good handful of disasters. Some puzzling developments and some super exciting ones.
Time to sleep i suppose. Time to write is precious and far between at the moment, but hopefully with time soon, it will settle and i can expound on themes i desperately want to flesh out and get into.
till then, heddwch and thank you
GeWilli
So soon
What to write, so much.
What am i feeling compelled to document now?
the simple fact that riding to work and home felt effortless, like things have clicked, are working well.
Fluid. is the best way to describe how it felt.
Riding the garbage truck today with studded tires (snow and ice and the other two bikes are still packed up and single speeded - in the car, still, yes, in the car).
Feels good, different than it did on the last commute.
Effort more effortless.
Season is over but i'm even more resolved to hold on to the marginal gains i've made, forge forward to work to keep them and build on them perhaps for next year.
Cyclocross is something different all together. Can't really explain it.
Another thing I can't explain is how much I appreciate the support and love from everyone. Emotional support, physical support, places to stay, dinners, beers, words exchanged, emotions and jokes shared, life revealed and friends... so many friends.
A proper write up is needed. One that describes my redemption moment in the SSCX race, how proud i am to land that result. How insanely awesome it was to see Todd's kid Anna crush it for a lead lap finish, how Andrew Lints was THE animator as the DFL (from out POV) with his Droppah Post and Jorts in the U23 race, just how awesome it all came together. There were plenty of doubts moments of "this feels odd and uncomfortable' but i pushed through them and was rewarded.
Cliff notes version I suppose is I went on a vision quest, a dumb one, (they all are really) and came away with what you always do from true VQs. A better understanding of oneself. A stronger version, surviving personal trials and struggles. Not surprisingly still a couple buckets full of guilt for how generous people were, how inadequate i felt in face of such ability to give and generosity and willingness to do so. Every opportunity i was asked i fulfilled to my best ability. But Wed morning. Overcome repeatedly, good handful of times, overwhelmed by just how much people were willing to do to help me.
Anyway.
Proper post this line of thinking deserves.
Day one back at work wrapped up with a good handful of disasters. Some puzzling developments and some super exciting ones.
Time to sleep i suppose. Time to write is precious and far between at the moment, but hopefully with time soon, it will settle and i can expound on themes i desperately want to flesh out and get into.
till then, heddwch and thank you
GeWilli
Thursday, January 07, 2016
one more race
Laying in bed, down here in Greenville, shit's pretty fucking fantastic. You know those friends you can just hang out with, even after like 15 years or 5 years like nothing has changed or you only saw them yesterday? Shit like just being totally comfortable even if you're not keeping up or talking much at all?
That. Here. AC's and his wife and family are amazing and it was really good to be here. Last night now. Pre-race routine one more time. But different. We've got a 2 something pm race instead of an 11:30 race. Food and fueling is different but fuck it. I got this shit. No, big, deal.
Make coffee, lots of coffee, make some b-fast sandwiches, maybe a couple PBJs f'n wing it and shit. Why not.
SSCX tomorrow.
Will be different mindset in the race knowing the 80% rule is going to royally fuck most of the people in the race.
Starting 9th row out of 19 rows means I have a better chance than the guys in row 19 but still... they nuked more than half the field all at once on Wed. And I started in row 9 that day too.
Only consolation is Jared won his non-champ race on a singlespeed turning slower laps than Pete the professional master Weber did.
Weather and parking are my big uncertainties. Parking being the one more worrisome. but fuckit. it is what it is and everyone else who didn't pony up a shit ton of money for a team/pro spot and isn't driving a VW has to deal with it too.
For daily, more story line of this trip check the Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ge_willi/ Not sure i'll have time to write about the races for a bit, but am trying to provide snapshot/documentation to a broad group of friends some on each of the three platforms that instaspam easily reaches.
Beer/calories now consumed. Sleep then early rise, drive with some tunes f'n CRANKED. We're gonna make this shit work. Somehow.
So sorry for not writing more here lately. I'll try and catch up with the content soon because, well, freaking Negacoach must not be getting much sleep without new content to read.
heddwch
G
That. Here. AC's and his wife and family are amazing and it was really good to be here. Last night now. Pre-race routine one more time. But different. We've got a 2 something pm race instead of an 11:30 race. Food and fueling is different but fuck it. I got this shit. No, big, deal.
Make coffee, lots of coffee, make some b-fast sandwiches, maybe a couple PBJs f'n wing it and shit. Why not.
SSCX tomorrow.
Will be different mindset in the race knowing the 80% rule is going to royally fuck most of the people in the race.
Starting 9th row out of 19 rows means I have a better chance than the guys in row 19 but still... they nuked more than half the field all at once on Wed. And I started in row 9 that day too.
Only consolation is Jared won his non-champ race on a singlespeed turning slower laps than Pete the professional master Weber did.
Weather and parking are my big uncertainties. Parking being the one more worrisome. but fuckit. it is what it is and everyone else who didn't pony up a shit ton of money for a team/pro spot and isn't driving a VW has to deal with it too.
For daily, more story line of this trip check the Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ge_willi/ Not sure i'll have time to write about the races for a bit, but am trying to provide snapshot/documentation to a broad group of friends some on each of the three platforms that instaspam easily reaches.
Beer/calories now consumed. Sleep then early rise, drive with some tunes f'n CRANKED. We're gonna make this shit work. Somehow.
So sorry for not writing more here lately. I'll try and catch up with the content soon because, well, freaking Negacoach must not be getting much sleep without new content to read.
heddwch
G
Sunday, January 03, 2016
Movin' on down the road
Closer by the minute.
Today I headed out to join the 'New England' Pro riding for a CT (not New England fwiw) bike company, the big C over at Haymarket Fit Studios.
I couldn't sleep last night. Dehydrated a bit maybe, maybe not enough beer, drank a ton of water at 1:30, finally was out at 2:30 but man fitful sleep until it was time to wake up.
Make coffee, chug, feel better, not 100%. Make peanut butter sandwich, eat on drive to studios in the plains. Which is not normal GeWilli you know that eat in the am when you're not hungry, but i was banking on maybe not turning around after 30 min (I should have - foreshadowing). I get on the highway right behind a Ted King doing 80+ (he drives as fast as he rides i guess) in a 65, wind up catching him at The Plains exit. Follow him until he's doing 45 in a 25 and decide i'm too old for this shit and slow down and grab a parking spot with a quick get away. Lots of people already there.
Today I headed out to join the 'New England' Pro riding for a CT (not New England fwiw) bike company, the big C over at Haymarket Fit Studios.
I couldn't sleep last night. Dehydrated a bit maybe, maybe not enough beer, drank a ton of water at 1:30, finally was out at 2:30 but man fitful sleep until it was time to wake up.
Make coffee, chug, feel better, not 100%. Make peanut butter sandwich, eat on drive to studios in the plains. Which is not normal GeWilli you know that eat in the am when you're not hungry, but i was banking on maybe not turning around after 30 min (I should have - foreshadowing). I get on the highway right behind a Ted King doing 80+ (he drives as fast as he rides i guess) in a 65, wind up catching him at The Plains exit. Follow him until he's doing 45 in a 25 and decide i'm too old for this shit and slow down and grab a parking spot with a quick get away. Lots of people already there.
Saturday, January 02, 2016
Time to focus
Plans changed a little this week, the girls were going to leave yesterday, but they stayed an extra day, and it was nice. Kind of wish they didn't have to go, wish it would have worked to have them there with me but that whole school thing.
Spent a bit of time this morning going through clothing and kit and figuring out what I'll wear tomorrow morning for the Ted King ride out of Haymarket Studios at The Plains. At some point, not sure why, maybe when i started to wonder about that lockring cog and if i need to take that off (probably) I realized, shit, I wonder if they'll let me have two rings up front even w/o way to shift. Damnit, looks like words say no.
Maybe i SHOULD have brought the garbage truck. If only to be able to use the chainring bolts off it to single up the white blue. Guess I'm going looking for another set of single ring bolts or spacers. At least I'm identifying the problem now and not friday a few hours before the race.
Weather is looking kind of ideal. I was almost hoping for rain on Wed but now, with as much climbing I think dry will be fine and that means I can use the faster wheels. With rain forecast for Friday Kind of def want to have a back up bike and probably put mud tires on.
I laid out the tools in the tool bag looking maybe hoping for spacers. Realized I have a bunch of things I didn't need to bring but were just in there because they were.
Spent a bit of time this morning going through clothing and kit and figuring out what I'll wear tomorrow morning for the Ted King ride out of Haymarket Studios at The Plains. At some point, not sure why, maybe when i started to wonder about that lockring cog and if i need to take that off (probably) I realized, shit, I wonder if they'll let me have two rings up front even w/o way to shift. Damnit, looks like words say no.
Maybe i SHOULD have brought the garbage truck. If only to be able to use the chainring bolts off it to single up the white blue. Guess I'm going looking for another set of single ring bolts or spacers. At least I'm identifying the problem now and not friday a few hours before the race.
Weather is looking kind of ideal. I was almost hoping for rain on Wed but now, with as much climbing I think dry will be fine and that means I can use the faster wheels. With rain forecast for Friday Kind of def want to have a back up bike and probably put mud tires on.
I laid out the tools in the tool bag looking maybe hoping for spacers. Realized I have a bunch of things I didn't need to bring but were just in there because they were.
Kit will get final sorting after getting washed after the ride tomorrow.
Then new bar tape for the White bike, both bikes will get a bit of cleaning and tuning love before packing the car tomorrow afternoon and heading south on Monday.
Excited, scared... not anxious though, so that's good. More tired than I want but we've had a few late nights and got up early today but there's time to rest soon enough, taking it easy today.
We had a nice long couple hour hike with everyone yesterday, came back worked on dinner, got on the trainer, and did an abbreviated workout. 15 min warm up followed by 3 three minute intervals with one minute rest between. then a 20 min cool down. Yeah on the trainer. Easier to do, and i got to listen to some Viking Metal on a google music radio station, it was good. No it isn't the same as riding outside but it is close and I got my lungs burning and gave the legs a reminder about what we're supposed to do on Wed.
And hey, who knows, i might wind up just covering the little chainring with the checkered duct tape per Negacoach's suggestion. we'll see...
heddwch
G
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Best short film from the last year? Yes. No Doubt
Denali from FELT SOUL MEDIA on Vimeo.
This film. I'm in tears before he even says he love balls... more or less as soon as narration starts, i start bawling.
These two knuckle heads I'm hanging out with are more afraid of fireworks than ever. So if you're setting them off now in hearing range? I hate you, you selfish jackass. 'Oooh look i'm so manly i can make things go boom that i bought from some slave labor chinese importer.' My dogs do not like this. Not at all.
Happy New Year M'F'rs
F'All Y'all btw
nah don't take offense, take it as the highest compliment.
I only offer expletives to those I love and consider friends.
I suppose if you're reading this you're either my ultimate nemesis categorically cataloging my weaknesses or a close friend. I can't tell the difference, never have been able to. The indifferent? those are people easy to read. Little difference between the other two.
My evening has been reduced to drinking beer brewed in AVL. or more precisely Mills River. Which I assume is close enough. Torpedo Motherfuckers.
Everyone went off for First Night, I stayed here and did dishes, cleaned up after my mess. relaxing having a beer or a two four or so.
Kidding. there isn't even a two four total combined with all the beer. Or all the lack of beer.
Couple days before heading further south. Planning disrupted, so disappointing in a way, but someone had a way of twisting it into a positive and for that I'll always remember and be appreciative of. Doesn't change the fact that I have a ton to do. Also means an extra day with my girls before they head north. Plan today was also to get a workout in. I didn't. Tomorrow's timing is better anyway. Assuming i can get it in. Life is more important than anything and being flexible and not being disrupted is next importance, well hey.
Actually watching the college I got a graduate degree play football against the coach that was there when I was there. Man college football... what to say. But then the prez says politics is like football, so i guess that's another reason not to like politics or football, despite being a fan for a long time. Yes, referencing comedians in cars getting coffee... so disappointed that they didn't go out to get coffee... But then I watched Steve Harvey after, and that's kind of the same thing walking around Chicago.
I'm tempted to take advantage of writing and the quiet and the momentum, but state of mind determines that I say nothing of consequence or importance.
Nationals.
CX.
crazy eh?
me?
What am I doing? Why? I have no place there. No point being pack fodder. But can't turn back now.
What am I trying to demonstrate? I dunno sometimes. I'm just me, no someone defined by one race. It didn't happen over night, that me being "that guy" at NECX races. Orange Jumpsuit. Not even my idea. I just had one. Why did I have one? Because a wonderful and very good friend gave me a suit for working on TDIs in MI. But that suit was too tight for under layers in the winter because I was HUGEly fat. So he gave me another one. I was introduced to the orange jumpsuit in the mid 90s via BIKE magazine. Mike F, part of the gang of 4.
One of the other 4 we're (NECX) having a fundraiser for Stevil. Me? I'm just GeWilli. I know i'm not the first. But 2006 when Meg B said I'm like the Cliff guys (who were wearing orange jumpsuits) just dirtier. How true. Those words still make me smile. It is true, my jumpsuit will always carry the stains from dirty diesel oil and engine grease. No matter how many times I've washed in the last million years. It is a testament to the point of why you want to use natural bristles to wash your bike, not synthetics. You can't clean oils off of synthetics. Not matter how many times you wash it.
The suit, has been me, my calling card. Look at the best 9 or 2015 over on instagram. that center photo, a new patch on the Orange Jumpsuit.
Watching this game, can't take it. MSU, please either blow them out or get blown out, close game i can't deal with.
Unknowns eh?
So the Jumpsuit. Totally Peanut's fault. But then she's a cali kid, east coast transplant, knows the history of the four and the DFL series and the origins, and like the connection.
I like the connection too. Why?
Those four motherfuckers were influential to me. I'd love to have a beer with Patrick O'Grady but he stopped drinking, there's only one other person in the cycling journalism history I wanted to have a beer with as much: Mike F. I hope that MoFo still drinks beers and that some day I'll be able to drink beers with him.
My dreams and hopes and goals are pretty f'n modest. And everyone else's have always come first.
So yeah i should do a stand alone post for the jumpsuit. I will someday.
Need to be not the only one on this submarine, torpedo is empty, need to load another, but that means I have to take a break from the narration.
Life.
Break taken, unadvised tweets made.
Recognition that Lucio Fontans is someone I envy and want to be like. I explained the potential concept to my oldest and she was way more genuinely enthusiastic than i ever though possible. She loved the idea.
My idea though, has snagged a bit. Reliance on others to help? Perhaps, but also this is RI (even though i'm not there) and you gotta know someone. So far I guess I know some absolutely inspirational and amazing people (Dean and Brian) but maybe need to find others to convince. Sorry about putting you two on the spot guys. I love you both and can't thank you both enough for everything always and forever. Seriously. And everyone else who has supported my work. Glen, and esp Lesli. JLSCX and G-Ride, even Nick, thank you.
And everyone else who has purchased a print.
Thank you.
You've made a difference. a HUGE difference. Every. Single. One. Of. You.
thank you....
i'm going to, against any advice to be 'an athlete' have another torpedo and hit publish and then hey, who knows when i'll write again... maybe tomorrow? maybe sunday, maybe not till after Nationals are over.
love you all
heddcwh
G
nah don't take offense, take it as the highest compliment.
I only offer expletives to those I love and consider friends.
I suppose if you're reading this you're either my ultimate nemesis categorically cataloging my weaknesses or a close friend. I can't tell the difference, never have been able to. The indifferent? those are people easy to read. Little difference between the other two.
My evening has been reduced to drinking beer brewed in AVL. or more precisely Mills River. Which I assume is close enough. Torpedo Motherfuckers.
Everyone went off for First Night, I stayed here and did dishes, cleaned up after my mess. relaxing having a beer or a two four or so.
Kidding. there isn't even a two four total combined with all the beer. Or all the lack of beer.
Couple days before heading further south. Planning disrupted, so disappointing in a way, but someone had a way of twisting it into a positive and for that I'll always remember and be appreciative of. Doesn't change the fact that I have a ton to do. Also means an extra day with my girls before they head north. Plan today was also to get a workout in. I didn't. Tomorrow's timing is better anyway. Assuming i can get it in. Life is more important than anything and being flexible and not being disrupted is next importance, well hey.
Actually watching the college I got a graduate degree play football against the coach that was there when I was there. Man college football... what to say. But then the prez says politics is like football, so i guess that's another reason not to like politics or football, despite being a fan for a long time. Yes, referencing comedians in cars getting coffee... so disappointed that they didn't go out to get coffee... But then I watched Steve Harvey after, and that's kind of the same thing walking around Chicago.
I'm tempted to take advantage of writing and the quiet and the momentum, but state of mind determines that I say nothing of consequence or importance.
Nationals.
CX.
crazy eh?
me?
What am I doing? Why? I have no place there. No point being pack fodder. But can't turn back now.
What am I trying to demonstrate? I dunno sometimes. I'm just me, no someone defined by one race. It didn't happen over night, that me being "that guy" at NECX races. Orange Jumpsuit. Not even my idea. I just had one. Why did I have one? Because a wonderful and very good friend gave me a suit for working on TDIs in MI. But that suit was too tight for under layers in the winter because I was HUGEly fat. So he gave me another one. I was introduced to the orange jumpsuit in the mid 90s via BIKE magazine. Mike F, part of the gang of 4.
One of the other 4 we're (NECX) having a fundraiser for Stevil. Me? I'm just GeWilli. I know i'm not the first. But 2006 when Meg B said I'm like the Cliff guys (who were wearing orange jumpsuits) just dirtier. How true. Those words still make me smile. It is true, my jumpsuit will always carry the stains from dirty diesel oil and engine grease. No matter how many times I've washed in the last million years. It is a testament to the point of why you want to use natural bristles to wash your bike, not synthetics. You can't clean oils off of synthetics. Not matter how many times you wash it.
The suit, has been me, my calling card. Look at the best 9 or 2015 over on instagram. that center photo, a new patch on the Orange Jumpsuit.
Watching this game, can't take it. MSU, please either blow them out or get blown out, close game i can't deal with.
Unknowns eh?
So the Jumpsuit. Totally Peanut's fault. But then she's a cali kid, east coast transplant, knows the history of the four and the DFL series and the origins, and like the connection.
I like the connection too. Why?
Those four motherfuckers were influential to me. I'd love to have a beer with Patrick O'Grady but he stopped drinking, there's only one other person in the cycling journalism history I wanted to have a beer with as much: Mike F. I hope that MoFo still drinks beers and that some day I'll be able to drink beers with him.
My dreams and hopes and goals are pretty f'n modest. And everyone else's have always come first.
So yeah i should do a stand alone post for the jumpsuit. I will someday.
Need to be not the only one on this submarine, torpedo is empty, need to load another, but that means I have to take a break from the narration.
Life.
Break taken, unadvised tweets made.
Recognition that Lucio Fontans is someone I envy and want to be like. I explained the potential concept to my oldest and she was way more genuinely enthusiastic than i ever though possible. She loved the idea.
My idea though, has snagged a bit. Reliance on others to help? Perhaps, but also this is RI (even though i'm not there) and you gotta know someone. So far I guess I know some absolutely inspirational and amazing people (Dean and Brian) but maybe need to find others to convince. Sorry about putting you two on the spot guys. I love you both and can't thank you both enough for everything always and forever. Seriously. And everyone else who has supported my work. Glen, and esp Lesli. JLSCX and G-Ride, even Nick, thank you.
And everyone else who has purchased a print.
Thank you.
You've made a difference. a HUGE difference. Every. Single. One. Of. You.
thank you....
i'm going to, against any advice to be 'an athlete' have another torpedo and hit publish and then hey, who knows when i'll write again... maybe tomorrow? maybe sunday, maybe not till after Nationals are over.
love you all
heddcwh
G
2015 in review?
Man that's a tall order, taller order than I am tall.
I promised to do it last year IIRC, and then never made good on that promise, I promised write up of races and never made good on them either.
But then those promises are for myself, i fail those who are counting on me for entertaining/annoying/sleep inducing reading. But hey, i am only myself, i'm far less perfect than most, carry more flaws and shortcomings than it seems, but then maybe because i'm like a super freak, maybe i just carry a proportional amount.
There is an incessant hum here in VA. a white noise in a way, or more accurately a misophonia feeling. This constant non-stop consumption of fruit, almost no fats, avoidance of proteins, or gravitating to nitrite/nitrate cured/preserved meats. It is a struggle, one i've been struggling with for a while, forgetting how bad it is until I have to cook, or worse watch people eat what's here. Bowl of chocolatey cereal with skim milk. To offer a point of concession there is always organic whole milk here when we show up, and they've switched completely to organic eggs and dairy and butter. But fried eggs are still cooked w/o butter on a formerly 'non-stick' coated pan, with limited success. I'm being critical but I was able to share with a close friend in an email about this and it helped, and then my wife pointed out that i need to be more patient and that they all shut down when i say anything right now. Which in the instant made it worse, but after reflection makes sense.
That after reflection thing is important.
Take parking at CXNats2016. Fucking insane, so little information "you will need to drop gear, go park and take shuttle with very specific schedule back and forth" um, is gear secured, sheltered? how much time do i have to drop gear off? What if I'm alone does that matter? Am i getting penalized for not being able to afford a team parking space? How do I deal with two bikes and everything else relating to CX? are there changing rooms to use after driving and taking the shuttle? So much unknown.
Not easy.
Now add to the fact that for all but 2 [okay i took the van to one so three total] of the 24 individual races I packed the bikes with wheels off in the back. Now that's great, room for everything but both wheels off takes a bit more time to set up get sorted out. Asheville's super vague parking info has caused a shit ton of frustration and fear and ripples of dread.
Now maybe that is by design. Hell why not give some homefield advantage to those who know what's going on, also why not give some decided advantage to those who are well funded, but those blue collar racers who do this because it is their love, their passion and they've sacrificed so much to make happen? Meh, they'll overcome because they have no choice, and hell what's another obstacle.
Back to the shower today. I have more better ideas there than other places. Something about the water raining on me. Like when I had the powertap and always consistently had better numbers in the rain. After a day or a week of anxiety about the parking situation, well maybe I over-thought into a possible solution. And that was a calming feeling. The solution involves testing on Tuesday but that's better than testing on race day on Wed, and by Friday's SSCX race maybe it'll even be dialed and fun!
Adam's post over at Cyclocross Magazine though, coming the day of the parking email, this line hooked, barbs and all:
"On race day, don’t make the mistake of changing your routine just because it’s a big day. "
So how do i feel when the super hyper insanely vague email about some insanely complicated parking rigamarol (google maps says the furthest parking is 3.6 miles from the reg site)?
Well it feels like there's absolutely no way i can follow Adam's or conventional wisdom or my own understanding of what works. How is this going to be possible?
Overthinking brain to the rescue. Maybe, well i doG damn hope so, but at least now, there's a new plan, one that requires a shit ton more preparation and forethought. Sacrificing all the flexibility, but in reality there's a good chance I can make an informed choice based on weather/temps and course knowledge enough that we can remove the need of the shotgun, not sure I can get as targeted as a sub-sonic .22 round but i can at least get to the point where I can define the target before getting to the venue and have everything nearly ready to go. Sure, having a team tent and a place to put the kitchen sink and cooler would be pretty f'n awesome, but this low life privateer, riding on the generosity of so many including and esp my wife and her family, he's gotta roll on the bumpy road. but that's okay. you know?
It is my life. Steph always reminds me "the choices i've made" and they are not so bad when it comes down to it.
Odd, perhaps, that something as stupid and trivial as parking affects people (I know i'm not the only one) but hey the email the other day saying the times for one of the races I've signed up for has changed was more troubling (as far as I can tell it is for my second race). I've adjusted things, tweaked plans... it means 3 hrs more driving but hey- it is driving w/heated seats and I have a couple books on tape, plenty of good tunes, heck maybe i'll even try and get some podcasts but man, when I listened to Creed and Mad Dog I fell asleep (i restarted it after waking up).
The road to Asheville has been pretty curious. Curiously fraught with obstacles, emotional, fiscal, physical, resources, time, shit can't figure out what obstacle hasn't been tossed up.
But you know what? that kind of builds more and more, makes this whole Vision Quest thing more descriptive, more real.
We're all different, and most are going down because they can, because it works, because why not. A few others, well it means more. So much more. And how to explain that to those for whom it isn't? I know Fatmarc gets it. I think maybe Hooptysteve gets it. Maybe VeloCB, and a few others, and maybe more than I realize or hear from. Kind of feels in a way that Fatmarc and I are on these two separate Vision Quests, he's like podiumed and shit, i've been lapped twice in a race and have been happy with it.
Life's a funny thing eh?
But hey, 'That' guy will be at Asheville. And please, if you don't mind, be like Trey was at Eco-Cross in Falmouth, reach out, it means more than is imaginable.
Also - Fuck Disney and their Fucking up of Star Wars, as if I needed more reason to hate the mouse empire, i could only wish that ESPN takes them down and makes them disappear, but hey, that won't happen. (too honest and raw?) meh
I'll be the guy riding with a 20 year old timbuk2 huge messenger bag and a second bike over my shoulder through the Biltmore estates, if you see me and have space to drive me? that'd be awesomely appreciated.
heddwch
G
PS: year in review? maybe i'll make it happen sometime... no promises to anyone this time though.
I promised to do it last year IIRC, and then never made good on that promise, I promised write up of races and never made good on them either.
But then those promises are for myself, i fail those who are counting on me for entertaining/annoying/sleep inducing reading. But hey, i am only myself, i'm far less perfect than most, carry more flaws and shortcomings than it seems, but then maybe because i'm like a super freak, maybe i just carry a proportional amount.
There is an incessant hum here in VA. a white noise in a way, or more accurately a misophonia feeling. This constant non-stop consumption of fruit, almost no fats, avoidance of proteins, or gravitating to nitrite/nitrate cured/preserved meats. It is a struggle, one i've been struggling with for a while, forgetting how bad it is until I have to cook, or worse watch people eat what's here. Bowl of chocolatey cereal with skim milk. To offer a point of concession there is always organic whole milk here when we show up, and they've switched completely to organic eggs and dairy and butter. But fried eggs are still cooked w/o butter on a formerly 'non-stick' coated pan, with limited success. I'm being critical but I was able to share with a close friend in an email about this and it helped, and then my wife pointed out that i need to be more patient and that they all shut down when i say anything right now. Which in the instant made it worse, but after reflection makes sense.
That after reflection thing is important.
Take parking at CXNats2016. Fucking insane, so little information "you will need to drop gear, go park and take shuttle with very specific schedule back and forth" um, is gear secured, sheltered? how much time do i have to drop gear off? What if I'm alone does that matter? Am i getting penalized for not being able to afford a team parking space? How do I deal with two bikes and everything else relating to CX? are there changing rooms to use after driving and taking the shuttle? So much unknown.
Not easy.
Now add to the fact that for all but 2 [okay i took the van to one so three total] of the 24 individual races I packed the bikes with wheels off in the back. Now that's great, room for everything but both wheels off takes a bit more time to set up get sorted out. Asheville's super vague parking info has caused a shit ton of frustration and fear and ripples of dread.
Now maybe that is by design. Hell why not give some homefield advantage to those who know what's going on, also why not give some decided advantage to those who are well funded, but those blue collar racers who do this because it is their love, their passion and they've sacrificed so much to make happen? Meh, they'll overcome because they have no choice, and hell what's another obstacle.
Back to the shower today. I have more better ideas there than other places. Something about the water raining on me. Like when I had the powertap and always consistently had better numbers in the rain. After a day or a week of anxiety about the parking situation, well maybe I over-thought into a possible solution. And that was a calming feeling. The solution involves testing on Tuesday but that's better than testing on race day on Wed, and by Friday's SSCX race maybe it'll even be dialed and fun!
Adam's post over at Cyclocross Magazine though, coming the day of the parking email, this line hooked, barbs and all:
"On race day, don’t make the mistake of changing your routine just because it’s a big day. "
So how do i feel when the super hyper insanely vague email about some insanely complicated parking rigamarol (google maps says the furthest parking is 3.6 miles from the reg site)?
Well it feels like there's absolutely no way i can follow Adam's or conventional wisdom or my own understanding of what works. How is this going to be possible?
Overthinking brain to the rescue. Maybe, well i doG damn hope so, but at least now, there's a new plan, one that requires a shit ton more preparation and forethought. Sacrificing all the flexibility, but in reality there's a good chance I can make an informed choice based on weather/temps and course knowledge enough that we can remove the need of the shotgun, not sure I can get as targeted as a sub-sonic .22 round but i can at least get to the point where I can define the target before getting to the venue and have everything nearly ready to go. Sure, having a team tent and a place to put the kitchen sink and cooler would be pretty f'n awesome, but this low life privateer, riding on the generosity of so many including and esp my wife and her family, he's gotta roll on the bumpy road. but that's okay. you know?
It is my life. Steph always reminds me "the choices i've made" and they are not so bad when it comes down to it.
Odd, perhaps, that something as stupid and trivial as parking affects people (I know i'm not the only one) but hey the email the other day saying the times for one of the races I've signed up for has changed was more troubling (as far as I can tell it is for my second race). I've adjusted things, tweaked plans... it means 3 hrs more driving but hey- it is driving w/heated seats and I have a couple books on tape, plenty of good tunes, heck maybe i'll even try and get some podcasts but man, when I listened to Creed and Mad Dog I fell asleep (i restarted it after waking up).
The road to Asheville has been pretty curious. Curiously fraught with obstacles, emotional, fiscal, physical, resources, time, shit can't figure out what obstacle hasn't been tossed up.
But you know what? that kind of builds more and more, makes this whole Vision Quest thing more descriptive, more real.
We're all different, and most are going down because they can, because it works, because why not. A few others, well it means more. So much more. And how to explain that to those for whom it isn't? I know Fatmarc gets it. I think maybe Hooptysteve gets it. Maybe VeloCB, and a few others, and maybe more than I realize or hear from. Kind of feels in a way that Fatmarc and I are on these two separate Vision Quests, he's like podiumed and shit, i've been lapped twice in a race and have been happy with it.
Life's a funny thing eh?
But hey, 'That' guy will be at Asheville. And please, if you don't mind, be like Trey was at Eco-Cross in Falmouth, reach out, it means more than is imaginable.
Also - Fuck Disney and their Fucking up of Star Wars, as if I needed more reason to hate the mouse empire, i could only wish that ESPN takes them down and makes them disappear, but hey, that won't happen. (too honest and raw?) meh
I'll be the guy riding with a 20 year old timbuk2 huge messenger bag and a second bike over my shoulder through the Biltmore estates, if you see me and have space to drive me? that'd be awesomely appreciated.
heddwch
G
PS: year in review? maybe i'll make it happen sometime... no promises to anyone this time though.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Vision Quest
Native American legands, history, culture and folklore played a very significant part of my growing up. The culture of the pacific northwest natives is rich, amazing and complex. And inspiring. Their art? brilliant. Potlach? A culture of giving more to show superiority, give MORE. Who can out give the next tribe? That.
that isn't culture now...
No...
But so much a focus for me, the Haida, the Tlingit, Tsimshian... Chinook, all of them.... growing up in the pacific northwest. Aware of the respect and culture, even if just reinforced growing up hanging out with my dog on the cliffs overlooking Colvos Passage.
Vision quests are far more reaching than just w/in the PacNW. I grew up reading about other N.A. cultures where the right of passage around puberty was going off into the wilderness alone, staying there until you connected with your spirit animal.
The vision quest was key in providing direction to post pubescents in the native culture. Now?
Now, we live longer, live is less dangerous despite the car culture of running everyone over and calling it an accident, so maybe we aren't ready to go on the quest as early as we did before?
There's no hiding the fact that @Fatmarc... wait nvm this isn't twitter, Fatmarc labeled nationals this year as a vision quest.
It has been a year in process for me. Missing out on Nationals since 2009. year after year, not able to go.
offers to make it work, but ultimately couldn't.
Last year. I felt like i needed this. So I put in motion, early, this plan. This plan to go to nationals. If you've been following along you know it hasn't been an easy road. I'm not blessed with resources to make whatever happen happen. Not even blessed with the opportunity to work more to make it possible. I work two/three jobs just to make the routine happen w/o being kicked out of our house.
Life's a fucking struggle kid. Yes, Steph always said: "The choices you made." and yes if i had chosen to go to Northwestern School of Engineering maybe I wouldn't be here now. But I didn't. And I'm here now.
Headed to nationals tomorrow. Packing up. getting ready. Bikes ready. Tools packed, spares packed, kit packed, bike wash stuff packed. Or at least organized ready to load in the car.
Vision quest.
Moments of doubt, lots of them. fear, wondering if i should pull the plug and bail. let my wife go to Florida and do her thing that she's done since 2010. But, moments... i know i need to do this. I know in my soul that there are a huge number of anxiety triggers looming, piles of self doubt to avoid, mountains of uncertainty to ignore looking at.
I have no team this year. I have a team, but we've been kind of disconnected so to speak at races. I have no support going into CX Nats.
I am going in alone, into the unknown, bringing only what I think I can carry and what i can prepare for.
Alone.
To find myself.
GeWilli 2.0 began New Years Day 2014 [deleted - yeah GeWilli went through and edited afterall]
But it is getting close to 2016. So much has changed. Me. Huge change. I've written about it here. I've had an absolutely invaluable coach in Anastasia this fall. Not trainer coach, but focus/life/wellness/mental coach.
It is strange, odd, weird. But good. Dark cloud that was perpetual from '10 until '14 and beyond... loomed massive and incapacitating in '11 and spiraled down from there. There was one insanely bright light but the extinguishing of that flame let me see my surroundings in a more clear light. it allowed me to see what was of value, how lucky I am. Refocused so much.
Words... I am rambling now, oversharing but hell it is GeWilli - fuck'n nutter.
Vision Quest.
Nationals. Mike Ferrentino's words still ring absolutely motherfucking true.
Pure Sweet Hell.
watch it. again.... and again...
Cyclocross is something different. Not something to be exploited for my own gain or advancement or to pay my cost of living. No. It is something to sacrifice every last ounce of anything just to pursue.
Humans are wired funny, but getting this old I see it happen, people click, they connect (or not) with a passion. The lucky ones find it early and can both monetize it and capitalize on it and live brilliantly happily for ever until they're dead like the rest of us. Some of us don't find it for a while.
Vision Quest.
What do I hope to find in Asheville? Me.
I hope to find, me.
So much work. So much effort. Just to find something i am? Here?
But that's the vision quest. Trials, stress, unknown, what we find at the other end defines us.
Yes. this is my first year racing the 45-49 age group. A bunch of old mother fucking assholes mostly. Biggest bunch of them actually if you look at the pre-reg list. Only SSCX (which i'm also racing) is bigger.
But life.
it challenges us.
this.
is.
a.
challenge.
A dumb challenge by the more pessimistic points of view. But friends like David B and Syl L and Brian G, who came out and kept me honest with the pedaling last night. I'm figuring this shit out slowly but they help push in the right direction.
Anyway, tomorrow is a travel day. But is is the start.
the start of the vision quest. I'm not able to show the restraint with the beer that Fatmarc publicly displays, no, i've pretty much been keeping the cheap beer breweries in business single handed, better could i be? yes. always. Happier? not much. Life is kind of really actually okay.
Delete all of this that I wrote off the cuff? Yes, definitely should. But I won't. GeWilli transparency.
This is me.
I'll see you at Nationals.
heddwch
G
that isn't culture now...
No...
But so much a focus for me, the Haida, the Tlingit, Tsimshian... Chinook, all of them.... growing up in the pacific northwest. Aware of the respect and culture, even if just reinforced growing up hanging out with my dog on the cliffs overlooking Colvos Passage.
Vision quests are far more reaching than just w/in the PacNW. I grew up reading about other N.A. cultures where the right of passage around puberty was going off into the wilderness alone, staying there until you connected with your spirit animal.
The vision quest was key in providing direction to post pubescents in the native culture. Now?
Now, we live longer, live is less dangerous despite the car culture of running everyone over and calling it an accident, so maybe we aren't ready to go on the quest as early as we did before?
There's no hiding the fact that @Fatmarc... wait nvm this isn't twitter, Fatmarc labeled nationals this year as a vision quest.
It has been a year in process for me. Missing out on Nationals since 2009. year after year, not able to go.
offers to make it work, but ultimately couldn't.
Last year. I felt like i needed this. So I put in motion, early, this plan. This plan to go to nationals. If you've been following along you know it hasn't been an easy road. I'm not blessed with resources to make whatever happen happen. Not even blessed with the opportunity to work more to make it possible. I work two/three jobs just to make the routine happen w/o being kicked out of our house.
Life's a fucking struggle kid. Yes, Steph always said: "The choices you made." and yes if i had chosen to go to Northwestern School of Engineering maybe I wouldn't be here now. But I didn't. And I'm here now.
Headed to nationals tomorrow. Packing up. getting ready. Bikes ready. Tools packed, spares packed, kit packed, bike wash stuff packed. Or at least organized ready to load in the car.
Vision quest.
Moments of doubt, lots of them. fear, wondering if i should pull the plug and bail. let my wife go to Florida and do her thing that she's done since 2010. But, moments... i know i need to do this. I know in my soul that there are a huge number of anxiety triggers looming, piles of self doubt to avoid, mountains of uncertainty to ignore looking at.
I have no team this year. I have a team, but we've been kind of disconnected so to speak at races. I have no support going into CX Nats.
I am going in alone, into the unknown, bringing only what I think I can carry and what i can prepare for.
Alone.
To find myself.
GeWilli 2.0 began New Years Day 2014 [deleted - yeah GeWilli went through and edited afterall]
But it is getting close to 2016. So much has changed. Me. Huge change. I've written about it here. I've had an absolutely invaluable coach in Anastasia this fall. Not trainer coach, but focus/life/wellness/mental coach.
It is strange, odd, weird. But good. Dark cloud that was perpetual from '10 until '14 and beyond... loomed massive and incapacitating in '11 and spiraled down from there. There was one insanely bright light but the extinguishing of that flame let me see my surroundings in a more clear light. it allowed me to see what was of value, how lucky I am. Refocused so much.
Words... I am rambling now, oversharing but hell it is GeWilli - fuck'n nutter.
Vision Quest.
Nationals. Mike Ferrentino's words still ring absolutely motherfucking true.
Pure Sweet Hell.
watch it. again.... and again...
Cyclocross is something different. Not something to be exploited for my own gain or advancement or to pay my cost of living. No. It is something to sacrifice every last ounce of anything just to pursue.
Humans are wired funny, but getting this old I see it happen, people click, they connect (or not) with a passion. The lucky ones find it early and can both monetize it and capitalize on it and live brilliantly happily for ever until they're dead like the rest of us. Some of us don't find it for a while.
Vision Quest.
What do I hope to find in Asheville? Me.
I hope to find, me.
So much work. So much effort. Just to find something i am? Here?
But that's the vision quest. Trials, stress, unknown, what we find at the other end defines us.
Yes. this is my first year racing the 45-49 age group. A bunch of old mother fucking assholes mostly. Biggest bunch of them actually if you look at the pre-reg list. Only SSCX (which i'm also racing) is bigger.
But life.
it challenges us.
this.
is.
a.
challenge.
A dumb challenge by the more pessimistic points of view. But friends like David B and Syl L and Brian G, who came out and kept me honest with the pedaling last night. I'm figuring this shit out slowly but they help push in the right direction.
Anyway, tomorrow is a travel day. But is is the start.
the start of the vision quest. I'm not able to show the restraint with the beer that Fatmarc publicly displays, no, i've pretty much been keeping the cheap beer breweries in business single handed, better could i be? yes. always. Happier? not much. Life is kind of really actually okay.
Delete all of this that I wrote off the cuff? Yes, definitely should. But I won't. GeWilli transparency.
This is me.
I'll see you at Nationals.
heddwch
G
Weather looking promising
Esp now that I have the Fango on there, the weather is looking wetter and wetter. Dry out? no way, Frozen? not for a 11:30 start from the looks of it. Wet? Looking Limus level.
Also climbing... hopefully it is punchy and not just sustained stupidness. Maybe some bitching off camber sweetness and lots of turn and sprint turn and sprint.
This does look encouraging:
But man right now feeling overwhelmed. I gotta pack for Christmas AND pack for Nationals? Guess I'm just gonna bring everything.
Weather is exciting. Yes? YES!
Heddwch
G
Also climbing... hopefully it is punchy and not just sustained stupidness. Maybe some bitching off camber sweetness and lots of turn and sprint turn and sprint.
This does look encouraging:
But man right now feeling overwhelmed. I gotta pack for Christmas AND pack for Nationals? Guess I'm just gonna bring everything.
Weather is exciting. Yes? YES!
Heddwch
G
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Why in the world
Did I do tonight's workout? Two sets. After 15 min warm up, and with a 10+ min cool down. After warm up we hit 3 3 min efforts with 1 min rest between. Same or one or two clicks easier gear for recovery between. 3min 1 min, 3 min, 1 min, 3 min holy fuck thankfully we're done oh wait, one more. Then do it again.
The very last one was brutal. Same gear. similar cadence in every one, And by last one the very final the 6th... holy fuck it was brutal. Syl wanted to do a 3rd. I said "no, we'll save doing three of these for the 3rd week build going into MTB season races, not for maintaining CXy level stuff"
I could have done a third set I suppose but that second one was good. Each at the same cadence, each started off, not easy and finished impossibly.
And then we hung out and talked and it was good.
This was the last indoor 'class' session whatever you want to call it until I get back from Nationals. After Nationals we'll come back, meet up and get everyone prep'd for Collegiate racing or Early season NE classics or MTB or what not. It will be good and worth your time on Tuesday nights in PVD.
Better and worse news. Can't get rid of the creak in the BB of the black (carbon) Blue. I think it is hosed. All the years of racing and riding and commuting and I'm pretty convinced after these couple rounds of "Let's get rid of the creaks" that these are creaks I can't solve w/o getting a new frame. But white blue is crushingly awesome with its new bits. Ancient "I can't believe these have survived this long" (said by SRAM/Zipp support guy) have a Fango glued up now. Bikes, kind of pretty much ready to go through the end of Nats and beyond. Tuned, dialed, refreshed, and ready. Now we need to finalize the g-damn engine, and that f'n self defeating ECU attached to it.
First though we need to sleep.
Then make game plan and yeah. That.
so
heddwch
G
The very last one was brutal. Same gear. similar cadence in every one, And by last one the very final the 6th... holy fuck it was brutal. Syl wanted to do a 3rd. I said "no, we'll save doing three of these for the 3rd week build going into MTB season races, not for maintaining CXy level stuff"
I could have done a third set I suppose but that second one was good. Each at the same cadence, each started off, not easy and finished impossibly.
And then we hung out and talked and it was good.
This was the last indoor 'class' session whatever you want to call it until I get back from Nationals. After Nationals we'll come back, meet up and get everyone prep'd for Collegiate racing or Early season NE classics or MTB or what not. It will be good and worth your time on Tuesday nights in PVD.
Better and worse news. Can't get rid of the creak in the BB of the black (carbon) Blue. I think it is hosed. All the years of racing and riding and commuting and I'm pretty convinced after these couple rounds of "Let's get rid of the creaks" that these are creaks I can't solve w/o getting a new frame. But white blue is crushingly awesome with its new bits. Ancient "I can't believe these have survived this long" (said by SRAM/Zipp support guy) have a Fango glued up now. Bikes, kind of pretty much ready to go through the end of Nats and beyond. Tuned, dialed, refreshed, and ready. Now we need to finalize the g-damn engine, and that f'n self defeating ECU attached to it.
First though we need to sleep.
Then make game plan and yeah. That.
so
heddwch
G
Washington State Ferries, thoughts from Seattle's trip
I wrote this (spoke it to phone at night one night on the ferry - have tweaked the words)
those awkward odd voice to text words wound up into this instagram:
heddwch
G
The sounds of the Washington State Ferry, lyrical, powerful emotional cuing in on the realization that they mean a lot and it's a sort of a resonance. A recognition, this feeling in knowing where we when you hear it you don't you know what it's like the process or if you don't realize you miss it till you hear about you haven't heard it for a while voice to text so who knows how well this is coming across but its powerful its special, different, the rhythm the ritual the routine each ferry is the same, sounds the same, feel the same, clunk, the everything is amazing
those awkward odd voice to text words wound up into this instagram:
heddwch
G
Monday, December 21, 2015
Why no racing this weekend?
Suppose in this moment of waiting for people to get here I can expand on that a tiny bit.
Simply put Nutcracker and my kids. Also the recognition that I will not get to hang out with them for over a week, and wanted to help take some of the load off and stress off of my Wife's shoulders. With kid's soccer game starting just as the Masters race at Scrubzone finished and my wife working all day at the Nutcracker as a volunteer, well - easy choice. Besides, it was suggested that I ease back into fitness after the long trip to seattle where we played lots of music, drank lots of beer and got pretty much no sleep and ate not a whole lot of food, and well jumping back into a CX race a couple days later still majorly sleep deprived seemed to be on the less than smart side of the equation.
Then the realization that Sandwich wasn't close, and would burn the whole day, and while I had the time, it would mean time I wouldn't be spending getting everything done yesterday that I needed to get done. Like ripping the PDX off. It came off, glue mostly scrapped off and Fango holding air stretching. I'll get what ever glue I have on hand tonight on there and finish up tomorrow evening. So yeah. Bike not ready to race plus so much other stuff made missing Sunday easy too.
Simply put Nutcracker and my kids. Also the recognition that I will not get to hang out with them for over a week, and wanted to help take some of the load off and stress off of my Wife's shoulders. With kid's soccer game starting just as the Masters race at Scrubzone finished and my wife working all day at the Nutcracker as a volunteer, well - easy choice. Besides, it was suggested that I ease back into fitness after the long trip to seattle where we played lots of music, drank lots of beer and got pretty much no sleep and ate not a whole lot of food, and well jumping back into a CX race a couple days later still majorly sleep deprived seemed to be on the less than smart side of the equation.
Then the realization that Sandwich wasn't close, and would burn the whole day, and while I had the time, it would mean time I wouldn't be spending getting everything done yesterday that I needed to get done. Like ripping the PDX off. It came off, glue mostly scrapped off and Fango holding air stretching. I'll get what ever glue I have on hand tonight on there and finish up tomorrow evening. So yeah. Bike not ready to race plus so much other stuff made missing Sunday easy too.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
So much slacking...
JUST KIDDING
After a late night of escaping from being chained into a parking lot by driving over the curb, we all slept in a bit. Me so much that I missed the start of the woman's WC race. So i fired up newest favorite VPN thing and watched the UCI channel's footage on replay and managed to avoid surfing the net while watching the tape delay so I wouldn't get any spoilers, all while doing dishes and making coffee and starting breakfast.
Then grabbed another coffee watched men's race, multi-tasked a bit more, but still got to see the key moments of the race. Then into full speed high gear get shit done mode. It was chaotic as I worked on three things at once, kind of multi-threaded but got a big chunk of the need to get done list accomplished. Still kind of overwhelming amount of shit to do but hey, a start is better than sitting on my ass all day drinking beer and watching football.
And then a casual off hand comment meant to be positive and reinforcing turned up to open a big old can of worms. That was fun. Sort of. At least was good to have a few people I respect the hell out of to back me up a bit and validate my tweet, sounds kind of silly but means a lot when it happened. Who knows what will result out of it all. Probably nothing, but it was a curious bit of excitement just as I was in the middle/beginning phase of making dinner.
Road to Asheville... oof... Just me, no team. Seriously, Fatmarc said it best: vision quest. On so many damn levels for me. Pretty much every single level. from the logistics to the athletics to the finances to the motivation to the overcoming major anxieties... all adding up to finding myself again. Finding really who I am. Me. Alone. About time eh? First year in the 45-49 race seems like as good of a time as any to do it, no?
But it feels right.
Feels good. Negacoach pointed out, correctly, that taking all that time off, completely off to go to Seattle probably wasn't the best idea for the athlete/race, but it was so good in so many other ways.
we'll see what happens eh?
heddwch
g
After a late night of escaping from being chained into a parking lot by driving over the curb, we all slept in a bit. Me so much that I missed the start of the woman's WC race. So i fired up newest favorite VPN thing and watched the UCI channel's footage on replay and managed to avoid surfing the net while watching the tape delay so I wouldn't get any spoilers, all while doing dishes and making coffee and starting breakfast.
Then grabbed another coffee watched men's race, multi-tasked a bit more, but still got to see the key moments of the race. Then into full speed high gear get shit done mode. It was chaotic as I worked on three things at once, kind of multi-threaded but got a big chunk of the need to get done list accomplished. Still kind of overwhelming amount of shit to do but hey, a start is better than sitting on my ass all day drinking beer and watching football.
And then a casual off hand comment meant to be positive and reinforcing turned up to open a big old can of worms. That was fun. Sort of. At least was good to have a few people I respect the hell out of to back me up a bit and validate my tweet, sounds kind of silly but means a lot when it happened. Who knows what will result out of it all. Probably nothing, but it was a curious bit of excitement just as I was in the middle/beginning phase of making dinner.
Road to Asheville... oof... Just me, no team. Seriously, Fatmarc said it best: vision quest. On so many damn levels for me. Pretty much every single level. from the logistics to the athletics to the finances to the motivation to the overcoming major anxieties... all adding up to finding myself again. Finding really who I am. Me. Alone. About time eh? First year in the 45-49 race seems like as good of a time as any to do it, no?
But it feels right.
Feels good. Negacoach pointed out, correctly, that taking all that time off, completely off to go to Seattle probably wasn't the best idea for the athlete/race, but it was so good in so many other ways.
we'll see what happens eh?
heddwch
g
Saturday, December 19, 2015
there was a CX race in my town today
and i wasn't able to get everything sorted out to the point where I could actually race it.
kind of funny, actually.
I did have time to get on the trainer and get back into the workout level stuff though. got a decent hour, roughly with the warm up and cool down. Did the 'easy' 8 min interval workout with the 3 min recovery. No metrics, just PRE and a fluid trainer. Same gear for all three intervals. pretty close to the same cadence for all three, i feel okay about them esp since they progressed properly: this is work, this kind of hurts, this really hurts, my breathing is super labored, this is f'n ouchy, dying, finished, and surprisingly after 3 min i was totally ready to do it again. Weird but maybe i've been doing this long enough that i can judge the effort some what instinctively.
Scrubzone was today - in East Providence, and I didn't go, didn't race. Kind of odd.
Initially planned to drive to Sandwich tomorrow for that CX race to keep sharp for nats, but there's this other looming thing. Driving both cars to VA. gotta get them both ready for the round trip, and the one my wife will be driving has to have a few things addressed before we leave. I have to work next week and well, hey, sunday will be another trainer session instead of lots of driving time and bike racing. A little bummed but not really. My white bike is hosed. I think the chain is kind of more fucked than that one busted link. It needs some good amount of work and new bits on it before it is race worthy. Black bike as everyone heard still has a f'd bottom bracket. I gotta rip off the worn and almost blown sidewall PDX on the zipp rear and hope the sidewalls hold out. I pumped up my ancient 35c fango, it is still holding air, that puppy should be a good replacement, esp since i have Limus on other rims if needed. if the fango isn't the right tire then the limus is. more or less my current logic on the subject. But it does mean gluing it all up. Also actually means quite a bit of actually wrenching on both bikes before heading south. And the car issues to tackle, and everything else. aka what the hell do i need to bring to nationals. and. oh. christmas. i haven't even begun to think about that.
Well we'll see how much productivity we can pack into tomorrow. Sleep is still on the need to be recharged side of things so i'm gonna try and go find some.
and try not to lay in bed cataloging and categorizing and analyzing everything that has to happen before loading the car....
heddwch
G
kind of funny, actually.
I did have time to get on the trainer and get back into the workout level stuff though. got a decent hour, roughly with the warm up and cool down. Did the 'easy' 8 min interval workout with the 3 min recovery. No metrics, just PRE and a fluid trainer. Same gear for all three intervals. pretty close to the same cadence for all three, i feel okay about them esp since they progressed properly: this is work, this kind of hurts, this really hurts, my breathing is super labored, this is f'n ouchy, dying, finished, and surprisingly after 3 min i was totally ready to do it again. Weird but maybe i've been doing this long enough that i can judge the effort some what instinctively.
Scrubzone was today - in East Providence, and I didn't go, didn't race. Kind of odd.
Initially planned to drive to Sandwich tomorrow for that CX race to keep sharp for nats, but there's this other looming thing. Driving both cars to VA. gotta get them both ready for the round trip, and the one my wife will be driving has to have a few things addressed before we leave. I have to work next week and well, hey, sunday will be another trainer session instead of lots of driving time and bike racing. A little bummed but not really. My white bike is hosed. I think the chain is kind of more fucked than that one busted link. It needs some good amount of work and new bits on it before it is race worthy. Black bike as everyone heard still has a f'd bottom bracket. I gotta rip off the worn and almost blown sidewall PDX on the zipp rear and hope the sidewalls hold out. I pumped up my ancient 35c fango, it is still holding air, that puppy should be a good replacement, esp since i have Limus on other rims if needed. if the fango isn't the right tire then the limus is. more or less my current logic on the subject. But it does mean gluing it all up. Also actually means quite a bit of actually wrenching on both bikes before heading south. And the car issues to tackle, and everything else. aka what the hell do i need to bring to nationals. and. oh. christmas. i haven't even begun to think about that.
Well we'll see how much productivity we can pack into tomorrow. Sleep is still on the need to be recharged side of things so i'm gonna try and go find some.
and try not to lay in bed cataloging and categorizing and analyzing everything that has to happen before loading the car....
heddwch
G
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Reset button firmly pressed
Now to recover from it.
One of the more exhausting Yuletide weekends, but also one of the best. It was good.
Story told mostly through the random 'gram moments. But was showing a fair bit of restraint with the two other data hogs I share the mobile plan with, but I think that helped make it a bit more selective. I collected/captured much more data/images/video than I shared, may go back and post the rest at some point. We'll see, at this rate things not done are left behind. Kind of running theme for the season, keeping going, moving forward.
Juggling a massive amount of stuff at the moment, mostly catching up from being gone, trying to get ready.
So I sent two emails off, not as many words in each one as a typical GeWilli post but combined it would have been a long one.
But reply to one got me thinking and reflecting about the years gone by, the days writing letters to close friends and ones i had a crush on or loved or both. Long letters were the GeWilli style, stream of conciousness, some people said it was endearing, but then they were the ones getting the letters.
Moments of reflection today and the last couple days on the difference writing vs digital stuff. Backspacing wasn't allowed. If you were half way through the page and you said something you didn't want to you had to rewrite it all.
That made for more transparency, but more importantly than that, more presence in each word that was put down on the paper. Pens were important to me then. I never wrote in pencil. Letters in pencil? Blasphemy. Each word mattered.
It still does.
But it has changed.
Yes there are times (like now) when GeWilli says fuck it - let them flow, unbridled.
But other times when I write something. Read it, delete it, try to re-write it, delete, try, delete, decide that not doing it is best and move on. Rare indeed. Given my proclivity towards pissing people off and alienating friends like a few consonants that I typed but then deleted because I could and took a moment to think and re-asses the obviousness. Maybe only those named would get it but then maybe those named don't ever read this and then, those who weren't named might think they were indirectly named or.. well you might begin to see why i deleted it.
The concerts were amazing. Totally amazing. One of the best weekends with my brothers in many years. It wasn't easy but it never is. It was also one of the most rewarding years in a long time. I played ok. I'm sure my sister is trying to erase any memory of hearing my playing but on the whole it wasn't bad. I did realize that I can tune my violin to 440 w/o any help. It just sounds right. It is weird but kind of cool. In tune sounds right, but then it jives with my absolute intolerance of out of tune music/performances/recordings. Why are those so painful? Because despite my struggle with hitting each note perfectly, i do actually know when i fucked up, even if it is on every note in that song. Which happened once.
Cue penguins: "smile and nod boys, just smile and nod"
It works when there are one or two other fiddles to cover for your sudden lack of sound heading towards your mic.
Mic'd up. For how many years? 37.
On stage longer to be honest.
That's a long time.
My kid actually put it in a brilliant way after hearing about my NBX on the mic escapades. "He's performing, talking on the phone is different, performing with a mic/violin/whatnot is very different than being afraid/avoiding talking on the phone"
Does that resonate? It struck me when I heard it. My kid understands. My daughter gets me and that's kind of one of the most awesome things ever.
Not just gets me but is able to articulate the difference and why it is possible to do one not the other. That comment has been rolling in my head since NBX. Can't escape it. And that's a good thing.
The concerts were awesome, we were up 22 hrs or so to start (3:30am alarm here in RI to get on the plane) not in bed until 10-11pm Seattle time (3 hrs later than here). Up at 5:30 to empty bladder, out of bed at 8:30 because couldn't sleep any more. A good amount of sleep, if you weren't already in the pain locker. Next night was worse. In bed much closer to 4am Eastern time than desireable, and awake by 8am Pacific... after stressful but asweome day.... followed by being awake till 3:30 and by some measures 4am pacific time (7am east coast) only to wake up at 8am ready to go to next concert. Repeat. 2x times. Seriously. In the middle on Monday we got the earlier boat and went to see Nate T at Gemini Fish market. But then an even later night and earlier wake up was on call because we had to fly home.
And we did. And it worked out. And it was awesome.
but i'm feeling like a musician. Which despite the parallels in rigor, discipline and practice are kind of physiologically diametrically opposite.
time to start focusing on and feeling more like an athlete again.
Everyone is seeing Force Awakens... I think maybe I might get to see it in January, on an early matinee.... near the end of the run, alone, which... sounds kind of sad but i'm okay with that.
The plan for the next couple weeks is up in the air. Kingsport has suddenly popped up on the radar.... not a bad idea but where the fuck would I stay, blah blah blah all the logistical anxiety triggers that have pretty much kept me from saying 'fuck it' and doing what my heart desires.
NO where near the same state of mind that i was when I started writing this. So many words said in personal emails that might have made it here but won't. Maybe for the better.
For now... i maybe think about sleeping.
I did finish reading "the circle" by david eggers... talk about a mind fuck, so wanted the ending to be different. ugh. good read though, but SERIOUSLY? ugh... stupid shark.
I also read two other books out there. The girl on the train (read that on the flight west - enough pulp and not too much mind bender) then read Year Zero by Reid, good book, funny, but wrapped up WAY too quickly... and just ended... leaving a huge pile of "what????s" but but but - wanted more, but ending was forced and way to fast.
Eggers book? Wow. every review is on point. Fuuuuuuuck but so close it seems. Only character i felt tied to at the end was Ty. Design by Eggers? probably, happy with it? I am.
One last book from the travel binge of checking them out from the library: Wireless... the collection of Stross short stories... we'll see if i get through that any time soon.
Still hoping for the Oliver Sacks autobiography to become available on the library. Been waiting a while now. but patient because the books sounds as amazing as his life.
I was fading fast earlier. Now? starting to wake up. Bad sign for sleeping. But hey. East coast time. Gotta sort that shit out before hitting the training plan.
off target, on tangent, whats new...
in honestly GeWilli...
really wanted to talk about what Gabby posted the other day. how deeply it resonated. How much i can relate to the darkness and having no control. But then for me, part of what pulled me out most of the way was pushing through when it felt like i was faking it, that was therapy, it worked, it helped and the constant "i'm doing this because it IS fun" even if it felt hollow and untrue, really was true and while it didn't feel true in the moment it was true over all and looking back it was absolutely true.
I am okay with never being able to come close to the magic someone gave me that one year where I was actually racing with Mottram. That magic didn't come from me and it was fleeting and is gone, but i was touched by it and am so grateful for it.
Perspective is born from patience.
Progress is determination, planning combined with patience and trust.
Progress I've been making. That's enough to fortify the determination and calm the patience. Now if i can just get through the financial aid application w/o breaking down in my normal incapacitating panic attacks that will be a victory. That's tomorrow's challenge, tonight's is to sleep.
heddwch
G
One of the more exhausting Yuletide weekends, but also one of the best. It was good.
Story told mostly through the random 'gram moments. But was showing a fair bit of restraint with the two other data hogs I share the mobile plan with, but I think that helped make it a bit more selective. I collected/captured much more data/images/video than I shared, may go back and post the rest at some point. We'll see, at this rate things not done are left behind. Kind of running theme for the season, keeping going, moving forward.
Juggling a massive amount of stuff at the moment, mostly catching up from being gone, trying to get ready.
So I sent two emails off, not as many words in each one as a typical GeWilli post but combined it would have been a long one.
But reply to one got me thinking and reflecting about the years gone by, the days writing letters to close friends and ones i had a crush on or loved or both. Long letters were the GeWilli style, stream of conciousness, some people said it was endearing, but then they were the ones getting the letters.
Moments of reflection today and the last couple days on the difference writing vs digital stuff. Backspacing wasn't allowed. If you were half way through the page and you said something you didn't want to you had to rewrite it all.
That made for more transparency, but more importantly than that, more presence in each word that was put down on the paper. Pens were important to me then. I never wrote in pencil. Letters in pencil? Blasphemy. Each word mattered.
It still does.
But it has changed.
Yes there are times (like now) when GeWilli says fuck it - let them flow, unbridled.
But other times when I write something. Read it, delete it, try to re-write it, delete, try, delete, decide that not doing it is best and move on. Rare indeed. Given my proclivity towards pissing people off and alienating friends like a few consonants that I typed but then deleted because I could and took a moment to think and re-asses the obviousness. Maybe only those named would get it but then maybe those named don't ever read this and then, those who weren't named might think they were indirectly named or.. well you might begin to see why i deleted it.
The concerts were amazing. Totally amazing. One of the best weekends with my brothers in many years. It wasn't easy but it never is. It was also one of the most rewarding years in a long time. I played ok. I'm sure my sister is trying to erase any memory of hearing my playing but on the whole it wasn't bad. I did realize that I can tune my violin to 440 w/o any help. It just sounds right. It is weird but kind of cool. In tune sounds right, but then it jives with my absolute intolerance of out of tune music/performances/recordings. Why are those so painful? Because despite my struggle with hitting each note perfectly, i do actually know when i fucked up, even if it is on every note in that song. Which happened once.
Cue penguins: "smile and nod boys, just smile and nod"
It works when there are one or two other fiddles to cover for your sudden lack of sound heading towards your mic.
Mic'd up. For how many years? 37.
On stage longer to be honest.
That's a long time.
My kid actually put it in a brilliant way after hearing about my NBX on the mic escapades. "He's performing, talking on the phone is different, performing with a mic/violin/whatnot is very different than being afraid/avoiding talking on the phone"
Does that resonate? It struck me when I heard it. My kid understands. My daughter gets me and that's kind of one of the most awesome things ever.
Not just gets me but is able to articulate the difference and why it is possible to do one not the other. That comment has been rolling in my head since NBX. Can't escape it. And that's a good thing.
The concerts were awesome, we were up 22 hrs or so to start (3:30am alarm here in RI to get on the plane) not in bed until 10-11pm Seattle time (3 hrs later than here). Up at 5:30 to empty bladder, out of bed at 8:30 because couldn't sleep any more. A good amount of sleep, if you weren't already in the pain locker. Next night was worse. In bed much closer to 4am Eastern time than desireable, and awake by 8am Pacific... after stressful but asweome day.... followed by being awake till 3:30 and by some measures 4am pacific time (7am east coast) only to wake up at 8am ready to go to next concert. Repeat. 2x times. Seriously. In the middle on Monday we got the earlier boat and went to see Nate T at Gemini Fish market. But then an even later night and earlier wake up was on call because we had to fly home.
And we did. And it worked out. And it was awesome.
but i'm feeling like a musician. Which despite the parallels in rigor, discipline and practice are kind of physiologically diametrically opposite.
time to start focusing on and feeling more like an athlete again.
Everyone is seeing Force Awakens... I think maybe I might get to see it in January, on an early matinee.... near the end of the run, alone, which... sounds kind of sad but i'm okay with that.
The plan for the next couple weeks is up in the air. Kingsport has suddenly popped up on the radar.... not a bad idea but where the fuck would I stay, blah blah blah all the logistical anxiety triggers that have pretty much kept me from saying 'fuck it' and doing what my heart desires.
NO where near the same state of mind that i was when I started writing this. So many words said in personal emails that might have made it here but won't. Maybe for the better.
For now... i maybe think about sleeping.
I did finish reading "the circle" by david eggers... talk about a mind fuck, so wanted the ending to be different. ugh. good read though, but SERIOUSLY? ugh... stupid shark.
I also read two other books out there. The girl on the train (read that on the flight west - enough pulp and not too much mind bender) then read Year Zero by Reid, good book, funny, but wrapped up WAY too quickly... and just ended... leaving a huge pile of "what????s" but but but - wanted more, but ending was forced and way to fast.
Eggers book? Wow. every review is on point. Fuuuuuuuck but so close it seems. Only character i felt tied to at the end was Ty. Design by Eggers? probably, happy with it? I am.
One last book from the travel binge of checking them out from the library: Wireless... the collection of Stross short stories... we'll see if i get through that any time soon.
Still hoping for the Oliver Sacks autobiography to become available on the library. Been waiting a while now. but patient because the books sounds as amazing as his life.
I was fading fast earlier. Now? starting to wake up. Bad sign for sleeping. But hey. East coast time. Gotta sort that shit out before hitting the training plan.
off target, on tangent, whats new...
in honestly GeWilli...
really wanted to talk about what Gabby posted the other day. how deeply it resonated. How much i can relate to the darkness and having no control. But then for me, part of what pulled me out most of the way was pushing through when it felt like i was faking it, that was therapy, it worked, it helped and the constant "i'm doing this because it IS fun" even if it felt hollow and untrue, really was true and while it didn't feel true in the moment it was true over all and looking back it was absolutely true.
I am okay with never being able to come close to the magic someone gave me that one year where I was actually racing with Mottram. That magic didn't come from me and it was fleeting and is gone, but i was touched by it and am so grateful for it.
Perspective is born from patience.
Progress is determination, planning combined with patience and trust.
Progress I've been making. That's enough to fortify the determination and calm the patience. Now if i can just get through the financial aid application w/o breaking down in my normal incapacitating panic attacks that will be a victory. That's tomorrow's challenge, tonight's is to sleep.
heddwch
G
Tuesday, December 08, 2015
the road to Asheville is paved...
Well at least there are plans to be paved and commitments made. Aka I signed up for 45-49 and SSCX.
Writing up this weekend needs to happen. SO much good. so much amazing. So much.
Planning for the next 3+ weeks, the build to nationals. How the hell am I going to survive? Not sure, but hey, not eating = lower weight = better w/kg. Need to sell a few more prints. (facebook search nanoscape, click)
Taking the bulk of them with me to seattle though, maybe sell a few there, or not. We'll see.
writing up NBX gran prix is of prime importance, but WHEN. That's been the struggle this year, finding time to write about stuff.
Right now I have a list of other things I need to be doing, not focused on the retelling of the tale, pre-occupied but also feeling compelled and desiring to get the tale of the weekend written down.
It was a pretty solid drama fest, great story, twists and challenges and hurdles overcome as new ones are placed in front.
Yes. those all need to be written so Negacoach can get some sleep, we all know this blog is only good for putting people to sleep so hey, can't test positive for reading a shitty boring web log, and there's no issue with it being used in a way that helps people. Sleep's important. These next couple days/week will be a no sleep crazyfest with all the concerts and the music. But oddly/timing works out. Build to NBXGPCX wind down, recharge before final build towards Nationals.
I mentioned it on the side earlier today - looking at Nationals I don't see it as an end point/the goal. it looks much more like a starting line. A place to begin the next section. Maybe closing the chapter on 2.0 and moving right to the next distro. But so positive. Focus is there despite everything totally falling apart, needing to be replaced but hey can't replace it but, well lets see what we can keep cobbling together to continue the campaign.
how is it all going to work? I have no clue. But i have this odd feeling of acceptance, of faith i suppose, confidence probably. It is strange so I suppose probably confidence is the right way to label it. A confidence it will work out. I just don't want to be Feldman'd again. Also don't want to have my race decided by 150 guys hitting a 180 turn 15 seconds into the race and being in a total crush of people unable to move, guys swearing and yelling and lifting their bike over their head and then being pulled but seeing the guy five riders ahead of you continue on the course. It is different this year. This edition.
The focus, the maturity, the test of fire, the torture, the reforging, the abject and total rejection, the soul searching the trying to figure shit out, the figuring shit out the kind of awesomeness of how it fell into place. It is an absolute and totally complete struggle, beyond anything I can possibly write here, but it is "manageable" I am making it happen. Help of friends, help of loved ones, help from those who can help. Like the amazing and special and wonderful people who've bought a print or three from me. Those people. Not possible without them.
Sure, my art is just a digital print, but you know what? The time and energy and effort that has gone into each one is far beyond anything that can be painted or just shot with a camera and printed. Impossible to communicate that in the description. Sure some of them are serendipitous events but even those events are the by product of a shit ton of back end work, time spent on the system, years, literally, no joke, figuring out how to eek out just the right combination of contrast. Sure come sit with me on the scope, it looks easy. It looks effortless. Why? Because I worked my motherfucking ass off to get there. But then I am remiss in reminding myself that I actually get paid to do this shit. To teach people how to do this shit, to help them to make sure the tools are working so others can do this. This is what I'm really best at and it is what I'm PRO at. While the art and the prints are so deeply important to part of me, I have to remind myself that there's a whole side of shit that is validating what i'm doing and where I am.
Cyclocross... I am... cyclocross... I guess I can keep going back to Mike F's words. The Once you do it you know intrinsically words. those words. They are the truth. I still honestly feel like the new kid on the block. I feel like I don't belong. There are people who've been doing this longer, much longer than I've even known about it. But on the other hand... I can now feel the patience i have seen and been grateful to have been afforded in the past.
I need to write up NBX '15. This year was f'n amazing beyond amazing. Just totally beyond. How to thank Matt B enough? I dunno.
But for now, words, these are what I have. Maybe I can write as I'm flying and traveling the next handful of days.
We'll see.
for now, so stoked on CXNatz! So. Stoked.
heddwch
G
Writing up this weekend needs to happen. SO much good. so much amazing. So much.
Planning for the next 3+ weeks, the build to nationals. How the hell am I going to survive? Not sure, but hey, not eating = lower weight = better w/kg. Need to sell a few more prints. (facebook search nanoscape, click)
Taking the bulk of them with me to seattle though, maybe sell a few there, or not. We'll see.
writing up NBX gran prix is of prime importance, but WHEN. That's been the struggle this year, finding time to write about stuff.
Right now I have a list of other things I need to be doing, not focused on the retelling of the tale, pre-occupied but also feeling compelled and desiring to get the tale of the weekend written down.
It was a pretty solid drama fest, great story, twists and challenges and hurdles overcome as new ones are placed in front.
Yes. those all need to be written so Negacoach can get some sleep, we all know this blog is only good for putting people to sleep so hey, can't test positive for reading a shitty boring web log, and there's no issue with it being used in a way that helps people. Sleep's important. These next couple days/week will be a no sleep crazyfest with all the concerts and the music. But oddly/timing works out. Build to NBXGPCX wind down, recharge before final build towards Nationals.
I mentioned it on the side earlier today - looking at Nationals I don't see it as an end point/the goal. it looks much more like a starting line. A place to begin the next section. Maybe closing the chapter on 2.0 and moving right to the next distro. But so positive. Focus is there despite everything totally falling apart, needing to be replaced but hey can't replace it but, well lets see what we can keep cobbling together to continue the campaign.
how is it all going to work? I have no clue. But i have this odd feeling of acceptance, of faith i suppose, confidence probably. It is strange so I suppose probably confidence is the right way to label it. A confidence it will work out. I just don't want to be Feldman'd again. Also don't want to have my race decided by 150 guys hitting a 180 turn 15 seconds into the race and being in a total crush of people unable to move, guys swearing and yelling and lifting their bike over their head and then being pulled but seeing the guy five riders ahead of you continue on the course. It is different this year. This edition.
The focus, the maturity, the test of fire, the torture, the reforging, the abject and total rejection, the soul searching the trying to figure shit out, the figuring shit out the kind of awesomeness of how it fell into place. It is an absolute and totally complete struggle, beyond anything I can possibly write here, but it is "manageable" I am making it happen. Help of friends, help of loved ones, help from those who can help. Like the amazing and special and wonderful people who've bought a print or three from me. Those people. Not possible without them.
Sure, my art is just a digital print, but you know what? The time and energy and effort that has gone into each one is far beyond anything that can be painted or just shot with a camera and printed. Impossible to communicate that in the description. Sure some of them are serendipitous events but even those events are the by product of a shit ton of back end work, time spent on the system, years, literally, no joke, figuring out how to eek out just the right combination of contrast. Sure come sit with me on the scope, it looks easy. It looks effortless. Why? Because I worked my motherfucking ass off to get there. But then I am remiss in reminding myself that I actually get paid to do this shit. To teach people how to do this shit, to help them to make sure the tools are working so others can do this. This is what I'm really best at and it is what I'm PRO at. While the art and the prints are so deeply important to part of me, I have to remind myself that there's a whole side of shit that is validating what i'm doing and where I am.
Cyclocross... I am... cyclocross... I guess I can keep going back to Mike F's words. The Once you do it you know intrinsically words. those words. They are the truth. I still honestly feel like the new kid on the block. I feel like I don't belong. There are people who've been doing this longer, much longer than I've even known about it. But on the other hand... I can now feel the patience i have seen and been grateful to have been afforded in the past.
I need to write up NBX '15. This year was f'n amazing beyond amazing. Just totally beyond. How to thank Matt B enough? I dunno.
But for now, words, these are what I have. Maybe I can write as I'm flying and traveling the next handful of days.
We'll see.
for now, so stoked on CXNatz! So. Stoked.
heddwch
G
Thursday, December 03, 2015
catalysts
that one thing you can look back on, a comment you made off hand, maybe 50 or a 100 times. In simpler words a lot.
below the fold lies a transition from darkness and frustration and sadness into acceptance and realization and happiness. The process of writing has left me in a much better place than when I started writing that first sentence above this. But I'm keeping it all, unedited, but adding this disclaimer... also: wax on, wax off
below the fold lies a transition from darkness and frustration and sadness into acceptance and realization and happiness. The process of writing has left me in a much better place than when I started writing that first sentence above this. But I'm keeping it all, unedited, but adding this disclaimer... also: wax on, wax off
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