had it for a day

back down to 2nd...  plenty of cushion to 3rd...  but still - difference is 10 miles. I would have had to head back after dark to get it done, to keep the lead.

We'll see what today brings. Heading out with KOM Goldberg and Jason, hoping they are kind to me on the hills, or hoping my legs felt like they did last night on the way home.

It is odd. I'm not fast but I can find much longer sustained power now wondering what it would be like if I was able to get some long night sleep (dogs were a pain last night and half of the house left early for soccer tournament - i'm here to get oldest where she needs to be).

A mark I never thought i'd make is the doubling of the annual mileage in the month of May. Looks like that'll happen easily. Today likely, way early. Also potentially setting new weekly record for myself, AND maybe getting enough miles this weekend to hit 1000 miles in two weeks.

I think given that the legs are feeling just a wee tired and I'm not resting much that I'm ready for some of Matt's adventure. Something I'd never thought I'd see is these side by side numbers

But they are just numbers and he'd kick my ass anyway, this extra mass isn't inconsequential and my elevation gain is minimal and I actively (lately) have avoided going up. Climbing is suffering lately. Even on high carb, full glycogen loads. Possibly fatigue maybe. We'll know in a couple weeks.

Thursday's ride with DB was fun, it was hot but manageable, ice cream maybe less than ideal mid/end ride fuel, but it tasted good at the time. hysterical trying to meet up with Chip. esp after seeing his twitter stuff when i got back.

Yes I'm riding with my phone just in GPS mode. No mobile data, the only radio on is the GPS and the old fashioned text/voice stuff. I will say swipe text is super easy one handed while riding. I just happen to pick the bumpiest sections of roads while riding to try and get a location lock on Chip.

We wound up stopping for a 10-15 minutes in the shade. I ate my second breakfast sandwich of the day (third was at chip's house, then ice cream then 4th sandwich on bike path home) That's it. no other food, no gels, no blocks, no bars. Just food, and not very frequently. And it was fine. Went through more water than I normally do but it was also in the high 80s with bright full sun.

No routing issues really. Most of the roads we were familiar with, or DB's garmin gave us heads up (it waited to die until we were in familiar territory. I remembered most of the route from the one ride to Chip's last summer, at least once Jason's route merged onto the one I took. Jason's route was much better, but it doesn't have any ice cream along the way so we headed home via Diamond hill.

But we still checked out the end of the bike path, and we still hit some single track with a few rocks. Chip was on his IDGAF monster bike and DB and me on our road tires. Issokay no one died in the woods.

Chip did pull an abrupt right turn in front of me and I kind of nearly went straight into his rear robot der but somehow managed to avoid destroying his bike and supermanning onto the pavement. "Thanks for the heads up chip"

Saw the Pirro handi-work, got some water and coffee, some shoogs stickers and DB and I headed back home. We opted for the dirt instead of the busy roads and popped back out on Noon Hill. Then rode through Wrecktham (it sucks a bit) and the road to Cumberland from there isn't great, but we had very few issues. Found Ice cream. (coffee) ate it, decided to ride around the reservoir to make sure we got the full hundo, headed back into town, stopped at the bike shop for cold water and to pause for a minute, then parted ways. I did a few extra miles on the bike path just to pad the number (and because I felt still pretty good and had plenty of time) and fortunately those extra miles were what got me that one point lead on yesterday's leaderboard.

But you know the story, Jan got 11 more miles than I did yesterday despite my attempts to maximize my limited time by pushing the pace and trying for higher average speed...

I should fire up the ride fuel machine (and make a shit ton more coffee) and make the breakfast sandwiches. Route looks to be about 78 miles. Jan probably will do 80+ again, but i've gotta work when I get back from the ride and then drive the kid to the cape in the afternoon (yeah no way out of that - hopefully evening traffic won't be terrible - it will be what it is).

Now to pick which bike to ride today....  need climbing advantage and also want to match Goldberg's bike so I'll ride the Klein. Give the worn out old black blue a rest.

Looks to be another scorcher. Too bad white kit is dirty! Better get it washed up for Tuesday!

heddwch
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quick NBC update

https://nationalbikechallenge.org/state/ri 
30th? that's nuts, but the ride yesterday pushed me into 1st by ONE point...  one fucking point with a full day and little time to ride. We'll see how far I slip today, but that's actually just pretty cool to jump back in the lead...  and damn, 30th in the country? Kind of seriously nuts.

more later if i have a few moments of idle time.

the foreboding sense of losing

Something I'm familiar with I suppose.

Didn't realize really how much I wanted to keep the lead for the month.

After the brief spell in 2nd last week and then all day Yesterday and Today?

Something so close yet...  that very familiar feeling of giving it everything and making all the sacrifices and then falling short.

Which of course cues all the doubts.

The struggles, the past memories of almost winning but not quite.

The month isn't over though. Today I'm riding with DB today up to see the illustrious garden gnome VeloCB, we get 100? Don't care. Yes - i'm burning up days off, going into work at 9:30 to deal with stuff that couldn't wait till morning and all that. I am however still managing to deal with making all the food and driving the kids around when I need to and keeping the lab running mostly, and mostly successfully but most measures.

Looking like 8:30 departure as I sit down to eat breakfast right now and type. This week actually has been pretty crazy. Zero time for sitting down and writing. Anywhere I am I'm going full tilt. Little pausing.

That and I've transitioned into kind of the obsessed must ride every moment. The challenge has mentally taken over and is taking a toll. I recognize the burned out mental feeling, the symptoms so familiar this past Spring going crazy at work trying to keep everything happening with the phrase in my head "Just have to get to the end of the semester." Right now the phrase is "Just have to get to June 1st"

The weather indeed is not helping. It has literally been way too nice. Yes, my edge is that weather never keeps me off the bike. And there's no weather keeping my nemesis off his bike. And yes, perhaps if someday I make it to retirement I will have the chance to really compete in this challenge, and yes I know, just getting this many in while juggling everything else has been a win.

But this is all I see:

Yes, that's a lot of miles. 20 points for riding once a day at least 1 mile. Then 1 point per mile after that.

And the margin is so close, but yesterday he got 99.6 to my 74.5 adding to his slim lead from the day before.

If he cranks out ~100 mile days until the 31st, well that's f'n impressive honestly, and something I will not be able to even touch.

Looking forward to riding with DB. Had a great ride with Syl yesterday morning in my window before getting kids to mid-day appointments. Looking forward to another not solo ride today.

But I wore shorter socks than normal yesterday, and holy ouchy batman, stupid sliver of sunburn on my ankle. Regular sock height and lots of sunscreen today in the blanco kit. me and DB will be a couple ghosts riding north today.

Moral of the story - don't be crazy like GeWilli - he's got problems.

heddwch
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time to make the revolutions

tired...  slept like crap...  that crap clung too me, weird dreams, up before the first early alarm and managed to re-set it. First coffee down, making one more, then pedal. Got a reprieve a bit though. A chance to relax the timing a bit, and that is less of a good thing than it seems, esp for incentivizing me to get out the door and get going.

I should have tweeted and just left. Now I'm sitting down post first cup poop, slowly waking up, debating doing the morning ride on coffee alone, if i make food it'll delay me even MORE time so, likely zero fuel ride like most of the mornings.

And the sun climbs higher and higher. Oops.

Riding alone you have no immediate timeline. There is no one else waiting for you to get your shit together. You have to do it yourself. The urge to just go back to bed and sleep is strong, but I have to work today until later and go shopping for food, make it work night two nights in a row leaves pretty much just eggs in the fridge.

My new friend Jan cranked out a few miles short of 100 yesterday. Not enough to take the lead, but he did close the gap a bit. I'm currently ranked 47th, he's 50th in the country.

How about this weather in May? Nearly a perfect extended stretch eh? Looks to get broken up tomorrow but you know what? I'll still ride.  #everydayinmay

I'm not even sure I am fully aware of the stupid miles I'm putting in right now. Very few other people are, or the feat is so common place and unexceptional that isn't that noticable. Yeah Uri cranked out nearly 700 in a week, Matt easily crushes back to back doubles in a weekend... this is odd though, for me. Pretty damn close to doubling annual mileage, will have to go back and double check, actually not that close yet... still 510.7 miles. Possible but looking less likely w/o a couple extra feats of high mileage days between now and the 31st.

Ah well, cramming 4 months or mileage into one is SUPER dumb.

And now everyone is waking up - best get out of the house before I get sucked into making breakfast...

heddwch
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seriously?

i'm ranked there right now?

That seems weird...  but then i guess having 358.9 miles (no i'm not going out to get the last 1.1 tonight although I should... hmm nope all done) in a 5 day stretch, and weeks are M-Sun so I still have two more days to get 100 miles more than the initial goal for this week, aka hit 400. Dawn patrol tomorrow should get some of the way there, and then the #everydayinmay on sunday should polish it up.

The ride home tonight was weird. Super melancholic...  could be the loneliness is getting to me, esp after the ride with Brent and Justin this morning up to Tower Hill and back. Maybe the riding alone has keyed me into how nice it is to ride with others. But then if I didn't ride alone I wouldn't ride much, nor would I appreciate company as much as I do. I need to ride alone though. Maybe not this much, but it fulfills something somehow.

Talking with Brent and Justin we agreed, we ride bikes because we love riding bikes. If we didn't like riding alone we'd never ride nearly enough to have as much fun riding with others.

Ya know what I mean?

Perhaps you do if you're still reading this bullshit I'm tossing up on this digital space after all these years...

I think maybe I've ID'd the other reason for the aura, but I'm not sure I like it, or am willing to give the feeling the recognition of being written down. Perhaps letting it drift off as I pedal tomorrow morning, alone, will work.

Also, man I am tired. Maybe that waking up at 5am after making sure I had kit that wasn't salt stained or stinky to wear to the public bike to work day event thing.

Gotta get dinner made for everyone now, yeah a little late but it is in progress, a pause while stuff cooks, and writing gives me a chance to sit down... then after dinner maybe shower and then sleep... maybe...

one thing I just thought of that hadn't really sunk in... I turned in the final grades for the class...  it is over... till next time but, despite kind of being over in the time demand stage, it hadn't really ended, more of a slow fade, like being ghosted, suddenly, wait where did you go? I'm sure it is just one extra unrecognized layer to this feeling. Been riding enough to keep my mind distracted until I actually went and physically submitted them and one of my students found me in my office today.

Can't even find a pandora station to fit this groove i'm in...  nothing is resonating properly...

Dinner'll be good though. If I ever finish cooking...  like my riding, sometimes I cook slower than most. Infuse more flavor that way i suppose, make sure nothings rushed, get the seasoning right.

Best shut up and post it and move on to the rest of the stuff on the agenda...  and like this bike in this 'gram, that literally can't stop/won't stop...  such is the life and the choices I've made.

This has been view for much of the month of May. No feedback other than perception, no display adding up the revolutions no screen talking to a satellite. My Sick what! Sticker, my YOU GOT THIS one on the fork blade and MLFN there on the down tube. Lots of solo pedaling time, and perhaps as my mind wanders the speed drops. And I'm OK with that. #everydayinmay #bikecommute #biketoworkday

A photo posted by geoff (@ge_willi) on May 20, 2016 at 4:19pm PDT

heddwch
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the name has a face

no longer just a name i'm competing against....

fellow path commuter is a good friend of my National Bike Challenge nemesis, and he's the one that gave me the intel on him, no not a recumbent rider, flat bar road bike and retired yes, also Dutch.

Saw my friend Mike W this morning on the way in. We rode into the bike to work day festivities together, then he headed off to work and after he left he encoutered my nemesis and directed him to Bike To Work day and told him to see if he could find me.

He did. We talked for a while, it was pretty awesome, and yes, mutually agreed this competition has been frustrating but also fun and rewarding and we're both unlikely to carry this mileage too much longer. And yes, weather is something he doesn't like riding in, but he will find a couple hour break in the weather and go for a ride if possible.

Super cool to demystify your rival, to put a face and a handshake with the name...

Now I'm going to go take advantage of the day - submit grades and ride somewhere other than east.

heddwch
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I have come to realize

That I need some weather help to keep this state lead this month.

That retired  recumbent guy from Lincoln has ramped it up even more lately. I'm gonna need a couple more Hundos just to keep an edge. That said I'm not even sure the weather will slow him down. If we get any.

And yes, perhaps I'm getting a bit obsessed with this. Part of me is wondering where the breaking point is. Or if there is one now. I rode fast on the smackdown, and have had bits of speed here and there riding solo but mostly just pedaling, not super easily but with the backpack and the slow bike I'm not riding easily, just not riding hard. Probably all totally junk miles but who the fuck cares.

I've not pretty much dialed in the mental map of the roads to my north up to Tremont and east to the Taunton River. This morning I hit Riverside, Barrington, Rehoboth, Sommerset, Swansea, Taunton Seekonk, Rumford, East Providence and Providence. Only saw people with gear on, either backpack or panniers. No recreational folks out. And of course I had my backpack on. Ate nothing on the ride, only a 3 egg omelet before I left (no grains/sig source of carbs), had only water and a little bit of coffee with me. And was fine.

But I was going slow. That said I did the smackdown 50 w/o food... was wicked hungry at the end but kept drinking water and it confused my stomach enough that I didn't feel hungry and the emptyness stopped distracting me.

Can't get many more miles tonight, wagering this is the chance for my nemesis to secure a lead... at least for tomorrow. And hey, maybe that's just fine. Goal was 300 miles for the week. I'm 50.9 from that mark right now. Maybe I can push it a bit further. And maybe next week sneak in a Hundo and a half to get things back in order.

Very fortunate that things have really slowed down here, to the point  I can ride, better than sitting around in the office...  big lull and that's pretty normal, needed after this insane semester.

Legs are actually kind of starting to get tired. But then so am I. But maybe that is the fact that I haven't made coffee in the office. Just the normal morning coffee...  That explains the sluggishness i suppose.

Well, that's enough for now. Back on the thought machine. Me and my demons. I ride alone. Not by choice, but by recognition that if i don't i won't and alone is better than not. Kind of depressing when put like that. Oh well. Hopefully i'll make it home in time tonight.

The clouds were my companion this morning #bikecommute #everydayinmay #biketoworkweek

A photo posted by geoff (@ge_willi) on May 19, 2016 at 8:49am PDT

heddwch
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well once again...

Doing dumb stuff...  Smackdown tonight, some flak for calling it that but it is what Mark called it and he's dead and I don't want to change the name because it was his and I miss him terribly... still.

Brain: "lets take the long way in"
Other part of brain: "good stuff...  extra 20-24 miles will be perfect. "
B: "Hey, that road sucks with the landscaping trucks and trailers, lets try this."
O:  "yeah but we'll head north and west and join Providence St and head the usual long way. "
B: "DUDE, THIS ROAD IS GETTING NARROW LETS TAKE THIS RIGHT LIKE SUNDAY"
O: "Motherfucker...  Fine, we'll turn north on 118 and take that to Summer. "
B: "Cool it says bike route."
so sweet pedaling rolling feeling good

a few times today i got that ego shift, kind of when your point of reference changes, mine kind of moved up a bit and pulled back, arms and shoulders and body felt a bit detached, trance like, kind of cool...

B: "How about we go north of 44 on 118, it will be easier to cross with the light."
O: "FFS we're already pushing it taking this much time...  Summer is HERE... and there... and..."
B: "Hey, We'll turn on Fairview."
B: "JUST KIDDING LETS GO ALL THE WAY TO TREMONT"
O: "No Fucking WAY."
B: "okay"

Kind of need cycling friends with super flexible schedule and willingness to do stupid pointless rides when I can to keep me from talking to myself.

Or not. I've had a few not and then, it is pretty nice. But I guess I also just need to pull up my pants and do it alone too. No excuses.

granted 35.5 miles was a bit more than I planned on riding. And yes, I still have to go home, let the dogs out, feed them and break their hearts by leaving them. I was going to ride the slow but now bars dropped into road mode Black Blue tonight, but first doing these miles and it only having a 44t front ring, AND C Bailey announcing he was going to make an appearance, AND Leland posting some Mad Max gif on the Brown cycling FB page...  gonna pump up the tires on the old Klein. Still gonna be taking a knife to a gun fight but at least it is kind of an upgrade from the small utility knife that the Black Blue is.

Oh the other unintended beauty of riding with a phone with all but the GPS turned off? Peace. No notifications. Nothing. Since no one ever calls or texts, no big deal. I did leave without my helmet this morning. Cycling cap on, trundling down the bike path, salute a regular headed north, hand hits cycling cap, what? Ah DAMNIT. Go back to get helmet, black dog so freaking excited I came back that she's tearing laps around the back yard in giddy jubilation. But I had to leave again so it was short lived but she was out of breath a bit after a dozen full speed figure 8s. The other thing about riding w/o any sort of device on the handlebars is I have no clue how fast I'm going, no feed back for how much time has elapsed. And that's kind of a good and a bad thing.

But it is what it is.

we'll see what the smackdown brings... couple scopes to fix first.

heddwch
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character flaw

so, who takes on a retired recumbent rider who's been on top of the leader board for years and seems to ramp up the mileage every time anyone gets close...  this idiot typing...

Getting back there

Stomach still has issues riding it seems, or feels funny a bit. Super hungry and instead of grabbing a beer while making dinner I drank water. Not the same, super hungry once dinner rolled around even after snacking on some cabbage, but it filled me up, was yummy, and I ate a bit less than maybe I wanted, still a touch hungry but then again I can pretty much eat until I can't move, esp when there's no liquid calories going in. Suppose it is working.
(careful a handful of images below the fold)

oops, IOW Hundo #1 done

Well, yesterday was awesome. Weather couldn't have been better, didn't get sunburnt, got to see Paul Nixon's brewery, got some hop flowers, some crushed and whole malt, AND even got some super baby poop stinky yeast sludge to look at too.

It wasn't a fast ride, but we weren't trying to set any speed records and we were facing a headwind much of the way there. There were some initial errors in navigation. Syl's detour added a bit and got us off track to start with but was good to ride with him at the start. And we were still on familiar roads. I made a right turn and immediately picked up a shell that cut through the worn but dependable Durano Plus tires. Flat number 2 with them. I was alerted to the puncture by the rhythmic siss siss siss as the stans in the tube was being ejected. But i guess like with MTB tires you need to refresh the stans in them too. It sealed for 10-15 miles. Then started forming a plug then ejecting the plug and leaking some more, repetitively until flat. You can probably fact check my judgement on the distances by looking at the strava file.  I haven't yet. Of course we didn't want to make the right turn but it gave DB and KOM Goldberg a chance to empty their bladders while the stans slowly plugged up the hole. Guess when you put it in a tube not only does it help the tube stay at pressure forever, well it keeps the liquid in there, although the active plugging stuff seems to get used up.

First flat for me on one of these long ride days so that's not so bad I guess.

KOM Goldberg was crushing it. He's been riding, running, working out and doing a good number of 100+ rides. He's fit and strong and has one kickass bike, every hill he walked away from DB and me. I like this faster stronger KOM Goldberg, not only is he an awesome guy we learned he also trained as a sommelier on top of everything else.

Once we got back on track, on the route their garmins picked up the colored line. We had one oops when DB had us go left on the return trace, but that was about it for issues with the navigation. Stopped at one place to get more water for KOM G and DB, i use the restroom, ate sandwich #2 of the day (mile 38 or so) and called Nixon to give him an update/estimate on arrival. We rolled in up into Myles Standish forest, and out on to Long Pond and over to 127 Camelot.

It was a bit of KOM G and me sitting in the wind, DB did a few pulls but i guess he forgot to charge the motor in his Willier or used it up in the first half as he would dangle a bit at the hills, but he stuck with it and never complained and always caught back on and generally is just one of the good guys to ride with, always funny, gracious and stuff. Can never say enough nice things about Goldberg though, that kind of goes without saying. It was an awesome day pedaling.

Nixon offered up a taster rack of his 8 beers on tap, and wow, they are amazing, each one distinctive and different and complex and delicious. Which is rare it seems, usually you wind up having beers from one brewery all kind of tasting the same, this is not the case over at Independent Fermentations. So part of the goal was born out of talking with Paul at Connamesset farm race this fall. Ride out and get some hop flowers and the rest to get some SEM images and create a NANOSCAPE collection of the ingredients in beer.

Before leaving yesterday morning I stuffed a handful of ziplocks into my pocket with the sandwiches, battery back up for the phone and that's about it. Not much. Traveling kind of light. Filled the bags with stuff. The yeast proved to be the most challenging though. Paul cracked the settling valve and we put a tiny bit of some super foul baby poop smelling stuff in a bad. Mostly dead yeast, but should be some live ones in there. It was pretty funky. I washed that bag off and then put it in the 4th bag to seal it up. But i didn't really wash my hand after, maybe bad omen? Or not. Not sure. I'll know more when I get into work and check it out. I was going to do that today but, well I'm getting ahead of myself.

We eventually rolled out, samples in hand headed off Long Pond earlier than we got on there and had a great ride entering the Forest and College Pond road is fun as hell. Headed out and headed home. I gave one of my sandwiches to DB at the brewery, KOM G had packed a big pile of slowly disintegrating almond butter sandwiches and was okay DB is new to my crazy and well I usually roll self sufficiently. It was all good though, rolled into Berkeley and stopped at the DD to get some iced coffee (and KOM G got some water). 79 kind of sucked, we should have taken the same route there and back, much nicer. i ate my last sandwich and we rolled out. Climbed up to the Dighton water tower, then down and up and down and into Warren and then onto the bike path.  Some teenage boy was skateboarding, sucking on a ring pop and kind of riding around like a douche and there was a lot of traffic and he managed to take a women out on her bike. She had a brilliant standing dismount and her riding partner went absolutely apeshit bananas and we rolled on leaving the drama and DB behind. He caught up and we cruised home. 115 miles or so.

I was tired. but still managed to get cleaned up, head to the store, grab stuff, bring dancer home and make everyone dinner. Fell asleep no problem but...

woke up with major reflux. I never get it, maybe once or twice in the past, enough that i know what's going on, but lying there tasting the salad working its way back up? Not good. Prop myself up with pillows, ahh better, fall asleep, slip down to normal positions and then repeat. 1:30am to 3:30 was spent like that. Woke up and has hot and cold sweats, too hot, then too cold, just not right, something was up something was weird. Body was not happy. Made coffee, had a few sips, and just got into bed, to sleep for a little bit before riding into work. Little bit turned into sleeping until puking at 11:45 when I got up to maybe contemplate getting in for the 1pm meeting. Got up, coughed and "hey that's not a normal cough... oh shit" An hour later the other end let loose. All cleaned out. But zero appetite and tired and achy. And back to bed. Couple sips of water mixed with a sip of coffee to hopefully medicate the addiction/headache (it worked actually although tomorrow is likely to suck sooner than normal).

I dunno what it was/is. Something I'd been carrying around and the ride kicked my ass enough that it took over? Something in the salad? Perhaps. Something picked up along the way? Poop flying off one of the guy's wheels? Could be not washing my hands after collecting the stinky stuff? Unlikely but i dunno, other than I haven't been this leveled in years. The dogs hung out with me and slept in bed with me to keep me company and make sure I was okay. only nudging my arm/hand for pets when i was awake.

Total mileage for the year is just under 2k. Not many miles really. That's the tale of the spring and not riding much. 510 of those miles are since the 1st of May. 115 yesterday. Kind of maybe over did it? But hey i'm leading the state for the National Bike Challenge, am ranked 150 in the nation, not so bad. I did get out and just pedal around just before 5pm tonight, only 2 miles or so, contact points felt fine, legs felt fine, just tired. Lacking energy from eating zero calories all day. Heck if i get back under 200# soon maybe I'll take a recess on the no beer in may challenge. But maybe not, the Indy Ferm tasting doesn't count so much, was only a sip or two of each to taste the flavors and get an appreciation of the beers, and did I say how amazing they were already? They are amazing.

I took one photo on the ride. When your camera is your mileage logger and battery life is barely long enough even with back up charger, using it and taking it out to grab photos is not really an option. We did have garmin issues and KOM G was bitching about them and saying you are much better off w/o them, perhaps.

The one photo was of Paul, with the rack of tasters:

Perfect mid-ride stop. This guy is a true master of his craft.

A photo posted by geoff (@ge_willi) on May 12, 2016 at 2:22pm PDT

Nanoscape will have to wait for a couple days, hopefully i can find time and energy to ride tomorrow and Sunday, I fear my early enthusiasm may be taking its toll. We'll see what each days brings. Perhaps I can turn it around as fast as I got destroyed.

Before Thursday I had an idea maybe to attempt another on on Thursday again, kid events are going to make that impossible unless I do one of those loop ones, actually maybe not bad idea! Just have to get myself feeling better. I'd though today i'd have ridden normal way to work and taken the long way home... alas not to be.

The ride was awesome, yesterday was great. Today? not so much but it is what it is. Hoping I can still sleep tonight even though I slept all day. Tomorrow and Sunday set to be just as crazy as every weekend.

Still not hungry, weird. But I know I need calories, but nothing is appetizing. Maybe i'll just go back to bed.

heddwch
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push through

good day- early start, up late, up too late but afraid if i go to sleep i won't sleep so i'm pushing it a bit by being awake.

Normal ride in, into an odd NNE wind, but dry. busy day to some extent but clear enough to leave a touch early and grab a few more miles on the way home.  It was pretty awesome except for almost getting clipped by two landscaping trailers trying to pass me. Clipped. Landscapers...  unintended pun. Wind aided the roads from the time i turned south were a ripper. Flying. Even on the heavy tank wheels. Kicked ass. Felt great. Then it started to drizzle and mist, and then i had to take the glasses off and actually make use of the cycling cap brim as it was intended. Got home to stop it and check the distance and the timing... and there was nothing. I started the phone app. I had the little circle saying the ride was recording when i put it in my pocket. but well something flaked which isn't surprising. It was a very frustrating moment. Dark feelings of 'why don't i have a garmin yet' and every other aspect of the fact that i have to turn everything off on the phone for a 1-2 hr ride if the battery isn't fully charged and even then if it is I have to turn off Wifi, and the ringer. But hey, I'm making it work and it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. I can plot out the route pretty easily on the new strava route builder, i know how far i rode. That's all that matters really i suppose for the national bike challenge.

My legs felt pretty good on the way home. The ride in was tough to take it easy with the wind and it paid off a bit.

Biggest week I think maybe since Aug 31-Sept 6. And there are three days left. Feeling more me with the sudden boost of riding. Body and brain kind of missed it more than I thought, perhaps the lack of it was having a negative cascade that I thought was worth the price. I don't think so. Need to make sure this doesn't happen again. Not so i can be fast. No, just so i can be me.

Made some coffee ice cream, as a test batch for my students in the class. Last meeting is monday, handful of presentations and coffee ice cream...  and vanilla, not going to get fancier than that, maybe bring in chocolate chips or something...

Now feeling pretty tired. Eyes heavy...  goal achieved...

time to sleep and prep for super crazy friday, made crazier by me squeezing in a few more miles some how. Only good thing about this streak of weather is I don't care if it is raining anymore. I'm gonna f'n ride (and by that i mean ride longer than the shortest distance between the two points).

heddwch
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insane

[title not referring to me for a change]



but that dude... solid...

solo-dad weekend commences... unintended relationship to that song. Fortunately i have the flexibility to shorten the workday to accommodate everything, granted it means extra piles of stress and pretty much non-stop from the get go but hey, gotta start the day with a bit of music while drinking coffee.

because life man...  life is one strange trip... and it just ain't the same w/o music...

heddwch
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the long commutes

are helping...  not concerned or caring about leaderboard on the national bike challenge, no helping with the other challenge.

but man i'm tired - that's a big jump going from no more than a 13.8-14 mile day normally with one a week bigger than that, at most. And after smackdown last night getting on the commuter, holy crap do those wheels roll sllloooooowwwwwly. Down hill into the wind i had to pedal to keep going, granted not much of a down hill but still was kind of funny. The hubs are well adjusted. But hey 900 grams, viscoelastomerishantifaltbelt, 35c wide at 50 psi under clydesdale wearing big backpack. Go figure.

The morning was nice - weather was fine. Almost over-dressed. And dry. A few miles shorter than monday's long ride, but mostly the same route. May explore a shorter long way in or maybe just ride the faster bike (if it actually ever stops raining).  The ride home was only made tolerable by the slight tailwind. The rain was cold. I think my feet may still be not super warm yet.  And my legs are feeling this change and being grumpy for a change.

And i think that's maybe a good thing.

I'm eating ice cream. maybe hopefully help the liver top up to get me to sleep sooner. maybe. If nothing else it is really yummy. And yes. I made it. ~$3 of ingredients to make 1.5 quarts of organic ice cream in 20 min. no no commercial operation here. It is just simple stuff.

I hope my shoes dry out. Going to attempt to make solo dad work while not relenting on the getting on the bike. Saturday and Sunday may be the most challenging though. We'll see how that goes. Actually to think about it Monday might be the most challenging, not that the next two days will be easy. non-stop...  going and going and going and going and going and going.

fortunately i did find a transitive substitute for all that social media and interacting with friends, and it is actually working even better than I expected. The changes are working better than expected. But I need to hang on to them as long as I can. Gotta sit on this reset button as long as it takes. Need some major re-wiring in my brain to happen. The demons and the PTSD that started rearing up lately are still floating around, but much less stressful and debilitating the last couple days. Hopefully it will fade a bit.

topping it off though this sleeping like shit thing is getting old, but maybe hopefully the riding, this wee bit of ice cream and being this zonked out will translate into sleep tonight. or tomorrow night, or hell, i know i can go a long time w/o sleep and goodamnt i don't want to give up coffee (yet)....  not sure if giving up coffee or beer is ever going to happen, if this sublte silent change starts working perhaps the riding will push the edge and my fatness back closer to that sub-clydesdale category.

much stupider early morning, but then i'm usually awake then, only seem to really get good sleep between 6 and 8am, but once i fall back asleep the blissful slumber is interrupted by life.

here's to the ice cream Zzzzs and to my shoes being dry in the morning (they are sitting under the fan).

heddwch
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changing it up

two challenges for May...

the first: https://nationalbikechallenge.org/ 

the second? well kind of hoping the first helps with the second.

kind of has to do with peak fatness (as close as i've been to how fat i was at my last attempt at Battenkill). good point to this peak fatness is it isn't all fatness...  but still...  need to figure out what is fatness and what isn't.

Sunday's ride - the compromise ride, woke up, drank a quad of espresso and rode bike. No calories. Had another coffee after getting back, then ate a small amount of food. Monday's long ride, same thing - coffee, but this time 1.5 quads and much later and more tired, but still no calories. Now sure, it wasn't that long of a ride. But it was first thing, no bonk, not fast but also on super slow bike with backpack.

Long commute was put on hold this morning #1 because rain, #2 needed to be in to help with imaging challenge #3 hoping to get smackdown in and last night legs were cramping for odd reason. Not sure, but i did drink way more water last night than usual. despite salty dinner and a grillo pickle to fight toe cramps after getting home. odd. but honestly makes sense, the energy and work Sunday morning and then followed up with a long day Sunday and then Monday's long ride in, despite being that short, the only way to share how slow and how much effort it is on that is to get a powermeter on there and well that ain't gonna happen. Took quite a bit of work and maybe legs were just not used to it.

Weather is clearing though, so smackdown looks like it'll happen.

I don't really have many hopes or expectations for tonight but even if legs are shit like last week it will still be nice to get out and try and hang on as long as possible and worst case i get out for a different kind of ride than a commute.

Just wish it was a touch warmer.

ah well

heddwch
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re-writing

in the blog world i'm sure this morning is already long enough in the tooth to make reverting to draft kind of moot for some...

but last night i think maybe head space was not best for writing...

there are good elements in there, and nothing that isn't true or bare of honest but it isn't very positive, and re-reading it this morning was fine, but still not what i think i should be sharing, or at least not in the way that I did.

reworking the words to have way less fucks and motherfuckers, and twist the language into a less frustrated way to talk about it all.

currently i am planning the long way in, current goal is to ride every day in May. My wife is headed out of town super early Thursday and won't be back till late sunday i think. Going to make that stretch a challenge to get the rides in.... I'll make it a priority and make it work because that's what I do, i make it works with what I have as best as I can.

time to put computer aside and leave, yes, long ride in will make me a bit later, but it is a late day today and it is a straight through no break day. the extra miles even though they will be a bit wet, hopefully will help clear head some more. But i won't be setting any speed records on the old creak-a-saurus with them apocalypse proof tires. But i'll be riding.

heddwch
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sometimes

it snows in april....

cannot get this earworm out of my head, the melancholy melody is resonating in my synapses for some reason.

deep deep super funk. Heck I wasn't really that much of a prince fan, like many, but always admired him and his talent.

I can't write much now - no time...  but felt the need to share and since this isn't considered a social media anymore, blogs are like myspace, heck does myspace even exist? I can say that this ear worm is stuck on repeat in my head.




of course last night i found these two as well... the PHC tribute is pretty damn awesome.



and then even this crappy cell phone video captures his performance style... where's the full production version of his '08 concert? Because that creep thing, i still go back and listen to that kind of once a day. And i'm def not really one of the hard core prince fans and yet here i am... listening, because he's not there to take it down.


out of time - and like usual lately likely to be late. Too much to do. My hope to spend May 1st riding all day has been replaced by resignation that if i want to ride at all that day I have to wake up early, and i haven't been getting much sleep this week and need sleep but need ride, none of the trade offs ever seem to work in my favor lately. Keep moving on. it is a very different feeling right now though. different this time. odd, disturbing in a way. has me more perplexed as solutions are not apparent.

oh well

sometimes...

heddwch
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where are the words

they are backlogged...

need to write....

too much to say...

insanely odd place right now...

kind of hurts..

but only emotionally...

and after this many years and that much pain magnified by my predisposition towards excessive empathy, well i've pretty much done as much destruction as i can to myself...

right now it is just ... more ...

my great uncle passed this morning http://www.wwiimemorialfriends.org/ambassador-f-haydn-williams

so many thoughts for him, Prince? yeah that too...  not to mention an even more local and delicate that I won't discuss even here about that went down yesterday...

i've been going non-stop since the alarm went off at 6am. a week of shitty sleep and insane stress.

so tired that i can't move, but my emotions and nerves are jacked and buzzing and not conducive to sleep.

but i'm sure once i close my eyes i'll pass out, at least I hope so, given the way it all has gone down i'll be staring into the darkness for a couple hours...

heddwch

heddwch

heddwch
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need to write

but no time...

Ronde Rosey 2016 was off the hook, i think the woods are still echoing with me yelling "GOLDBERG" alternatively "BEER" constantly asking if the groups stopped to fix a flat, or mechanical "IS THIS THE SECRET BEER STASH" probably got old for everyone but me.

The route was familiar, but different, but lizard/homing pigeon brain seemed to find the course familiar.

It was the most amazing day - i took one photo... why? battery, access, restricted capacity. Taking a dozen photos on a 30 min ride between charging stations is different than a dozen photos on a 7+ hr ride when you don't know if the battery will last long enough to record it. Life's full of challenges.

Hugs make it better.

I need to write. but can't, going non-stop, and I'm going to wake up to essentially 6 days of solo dad while covering two very active daughter's activities. Stuff that normally is challenging to schedule with two parents. But hey, have I ever shirked away from a challenge? Probably, but not a challenge that benefitted everyone but me.

I should write up sunday - soon...  i'd write it up now but have to do a bunch of stuff and am tired and am not doing the stuff and writing instead of doing the stuff and then once the stuff is done i sleep...  i tired.

i'm scrambling to find primary sources that i based some fundamental on...  should be easy right? yeah not so much... but hey if i'm wrong...  well that won't be much of a surprise to anyone because when am I right? Never.

Certainly not in life -if you go based on anything i've done/said/whatever. Kind of feels like i've been on the wrong side kind of all the time.

Rejected and lost, finishing last. Plenty of good friends who i can get vicarious joy from their exclamation of winnings...  and that's good. No not naming names tonight. I've had a beer, but no whisky, relaxed but not uninhibited.

Soon hopefully I'll have a chance to write up sunday, how amazing it was, despite the most challenging physical issues ever.

Life's pretty crazy eh? But even then it is better than the alternative...

heddwch
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a cosmic blink

to start, lets us someone else's words tweeted at me:

"You are critical as a motherfucker of everything, unless you're busy being overenthusiastic, so net still largely positive."

kind of sort of made me chuckle, and it made me smile. Why? because yeah pretty much that's me, and the final bit - still somehow net positive.

My critical nature isn't coming from a place of being negative, it is from pointing out how to be better, what are the flaws and maybe they can be fixed to help everyone.

Make ripples, ripples make waves, waves can reshape things. But direction of positivity. Oh i fail miserably at staying positive in critque. But over the years i've managed to keep the insanely critical edge yet soften it now and then when I realize maybe it would be better to sweeten the bitter poison of reality, as I dissect it.

But hey, no one is perfect, i'm kind of as far as possible from it, flawed to the core, physically and mentally and emotionally. But I'm me. Got here from being that.

The quote - a tweet - has been bouncing around in my head for a bit today. Mostly while building bikes... nice new fancy bikes.... I see lots of people get new bikes and go fucking bananas about them, case studies in overenthusiasm if there ever were. Time and time again, year after year. Each new bike is a "revelation of marvel" each new bike gets them talking about how amazing it is and how did they ride w/o this before or they cleaned a section of trail they'd never cleaned or...  fill in the blank. We've heard it. So many times.

And it is awesome. Honestly. I think that's great. in the sampling of friends I've noticed it is always genuine, and that's okay. Predictable, because the next new bike they get will get the same reaction and I know now to pretty much completely ignore any weight in evaluating a product from them but it is okay, it is good, because they are jazzed up, they are happy, positive, supportive....  Sure maybe they have a chip in the game, maybe the bike is a demo, maybe it was a spiff for reppin the brand or building the whatever. I've been fortunate to get free shit that's awesome. Except not all of it was awesome. And hey the Zipps now are recalled. Gotta find out about what the policy for Tubulars are. 'cause yeah i may only have a year left on these wheels if they survive another rock bomb g-ster...  yet the hub is recalled and the rim is toast. Garbage can? but no plenty good rubber still glued up. Were they perfect? Nope, i'd have been overenthusiastic about them if they were. Was I a total and complete idiot not to run them on both races at Nationals? Yup absofuckinglutely one of the more colossally STUPID moves and choices bike racing. I'm better at analysing and giving others advice than myself. Why? Because if i give myself bad advice - fuck who cares, not like I can do anything with good advice so if I make the wrong choice, no big deal. But someone else? Different. Haunted by potentially giving bad counsel.

Today was a day of bikes, and shopping, and bikes. I hate Felts. only because the packaging takes forever to deal with. Nearly 2x longer build than a Trek, and that's all from the stupid packing. Trek's survive just fine with minimal and perfect prep - Felt? F'n overkill.

But i had an idea, a cross platform tool, that could speed the f'n process with the Felts. But right now - built the last one. Treks coming in, Raleighs coming in...  lots of both. Crank em out. When they come in. Just a couple kids bikes to build left in the shop. No big bikes. So if i encounter that Felt think, i'll be prepared. If i can find the tool and then bring it with me.

Shoogs... his dad...  thoughts...  things migrate towards thinking about friends who've passed too soon, and others given the most dreadful of timelines. Still not fully fleshed out, idea and emotions not able to convincingly express to my satisfaction. But crux of thinking is: we all have a finite timespan. We are all going to die.

Pretty much no one has figured out how to avoid that yet. that whole dying thing. We're really good as a species of helping end life, violently, slowly with toxic advice, what not....  different topics each. But.. back to it...

We're all going to fucking die. Why not live life like we've been given a year to live, but maybe if we do everything right and get lucky we can live another 20. How would that change you, and why doesn't that mean enough to change people's lives?

Honestly, I think a good handful of people I feel closest too probably wouldn't change a thing. They are living life as they would under any circumstance. I'm not sure I am, or if I am not. Leave no trace, leave no negative impact, sow seeds, leave the ground more fertile and rich than you found it, be a source of love, of hugs, of joy...  not a sink.

People like Mark NIcholson, Ezra... these guys...  what they did, what they accomplished, what they inspired before all too soon they were extinguished. What so many like them have done.

But then how can you think about that and not be struck by the sadness of those who die from suicide. Such polar opposites, but then is that narrowed window nothing if but a stimulant of wanting to soak in every last bit of wonder and awesome?

Point being...  we're all going to die...  why not match stride for stride those who've inspired us, those who said fuck it - this is the right thing to do and I'm doing it and then we all watch as the ripples spread. Magically. To all of us.

I guess it comes back to this:

“Few will have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of events. It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”
― Robert F. Kennedy

Life is fleeting, our span on this rock hurtling through space is but a cosmic blink. Our impacts are local, our actions are not far reaching, but they reach our loved ones, and our loved ones loved ones, and everyone else living in this one cosmic blink.. a few blinks from now, nothing we've done will matter, unless of course we wipe out humanity but then...  our demise won't change the keeping of cosmic time...  maybe some distant alien life form will find us, and spend a millennium studying our archeological records.

But that isn't our concern, our concern, should be how we treat those around us, and how we take care of ourselves, or shit - fuck that - take care of everyone else first. You are one, everyone else is many.

heddwch
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Words, Life, what...

I've got less than 10 minutes here, on a crazy day. Didn't bring lunch in, had to get some, still hungry, but no time to get more food. No time to make a lunch to take (no left overs because dinner was too yummy and not a left over kind of meal) because I read this: https://shoogslarrison.wordpress.com/2016/03/24/i-dont-think-the-heavy-stuff-is-gonna-come-down-for-a-while/ and then was sitting there for a while...

lost in thought and emotions... and then i was late.

Now i'm hungry, trying to reboot brain for training session on the heels of another training session with 20 min to go get lunch and eat it. Ate most of it walking back. Nice Slice is good, didn't want anything else, pizza hits the spot sometimes, esp when it is good and they make good shit.

Shoogs sent me hug by proxy at Nats. Deeply deeply appreciative of that.

Words want to come out but they are still a jumbled mess in my head.

No smackdown for me this week. I didn't sleep much sunday night - may have had too much fun at my brother's decompressing and hanging out, not too much but felt like too much, Monday was a struggle, tuesday was better and then i didn't go to smackdown and that was the right choice, but it is has been non-stop. I did stop and slow down a bit last night, but this whole driving back to the city thing for 7:30-8 every night for kid pickup is far more disruptive than I had realized, or I'm just not getting any recovery time anywhere else and those moments are eating into me a bit. Decompressing at the farm wasn't a choice, I should have gone into the shop to build, to work, but I didn't, and now here we are and it is Thursday and where has all the time gone? Poof.

I'll be back to having 15 vacation days accrued when the first of the month rolls around. I should take one. or two. at some point. Really need kind of a whole week, like, a vacation. No schedule, no pre-ride, no race, no pressure, no nothing. A pile of books, my bike, some coffee, beer, food, somewhere not at home, somewhere that i can turn it all off and shut it down and recharge. Kind of realizing that Nationals was not a break. I came back refreshed a bit...  Constant motion. I need to dry dock. Yes even with a bike. even if it is an hour spin... too much a part of me not to have it.

but my 10 minutes are up now...  maybe I'll get a chance to come back to it after the next 3 hour block of major intensity, I never really notice how exhausting the trainings I give are for me until I try and do two in one day.

heddwch
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Waiting, time to kill

So roller coaster. Bottomed out Thursday rebounded towards the end of the day. Splurged on beer, got some Brown sugah because the were out of maximus. Shared them, got caught in the rain, made dinner drive into city got lots came home. Slept OK. But still exhausted.
Super complicated night, left me in office longer, then met everyone they ate, I didn't now grumpy and waiting for dance to end so I can go home finally. Long days.

Swyping a big post sucks. Faster than two thumbs but slower than all the fingers, can't quite keep up, at all.

This is where it would be nice to drop in on a friend for an hour share a beer and decompress.

But maybe that's what the blog is. A friend I can talk to. But man, this thing sucks more than I do at conversation. Esp the kind that helps me shake it off.

Also can't really have a beer with the blog. If I want so broke is go to a bar and at least not be alone, unlike sitting here in the dark in the van.

But it is quiet. I hit a dozen breaking points this week. Crashed through them, found new ones I didn't know existed. Had one dream that was terrifying and another that is still vividly haunting me. Why? I dunno, have you ever had a dream where you are dreaming you're sleeping and that's like the best sleep ever? This dream, this instance. I was happy. Like all the happy hormone pathways lit up in my dream. And physically felt overwhelmingly happy. Why? In u dreams there was this random tall Italian woman. Dunno who, no real life parallels, which makes it weirder. Esp the tall part. That feeling though. More than anything it tells me that I'm not broken, it is in there. And that's positive? Or something.

Get through this weekend. Then through next week, and the week after... Wait... The pattern keeps repeating. Oh shit.

I'd love the focus and distraction of racing right about now. Ninegret? Yes please. But no. Holding out hope that the 10th of April is good. It can go either way.
But that's all I got.

That and getting my ass handed to me on smackdown.

And the commute, and the fact that the cell phone bone commute pics are more popular than the shit I have to really work at on the microscope.

This maybe wasn't the best way to spend the down time, in the dark, alone. With the glow of an old slow crappy phone, dragging my thumb around some keyboard.

I need a mental health day. On the bike. Nothing else. Just pedaling.

I need a lot more than that, yeah thanks peanut gallery in my head, but that day, it is a start.

I wish today had the magic of yesterday afternoon, I need more of that magic.

Oh well, swyping post done. Except it is the only thing keeping me awake right now, and I have too many but not enough minute to fall asleep. So on the edge.

Oh well. I'm done.

Heddwch
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disappointment... frustration.. I lost, yes you won...

tough couple days...

nothing major, but yesterday had so much promise...

Smackdown, time to work on major focus for Nanoscape while doing an every 3 year service on a piece of critical equipment...

Taking the bikes with me I take both wheels off and lay bike flat in the back of the Volvo, because that's what I've been doing since it became my vehicle.

Putting the Klein in with that rear wheel is a constant reminder of how heavy it is. Great flywheel. Shitty climber/sprinter wheel. But hey it has some heavy plastic disc covers so it is easy to clean in the rain and is aero as fuck, assuming you aren't lugging the weight up hill.

But hey I took the really slow tires off from last year and put the faster Ultremos on there.  Of course that bit me in the ass last night when I got a flat in the rain, after being dropped hard core but just enough that I could see them there the whole time, until Hillside.

It was a solo threshold effort. a Painful one. followed by a flat that i said - no fucking way am i changing this to ride the last couple miles. Lets see how long it takes. got 60% of the way there. rode the last bit on the flat rim.

It was fine. Tuesday was a better day, at least I wasn't burping lunch, and hadn't had a case of beer by noon (slight over estimate btw). Weather was my kind of weather. Drizzly and wet and cool. Perfect.

But despite little ringing it until Prospect...  I still got dropped at the first jump on Pine. Watched from there, no re-grouping. But much like chasing that kid in '13 who was wearing that green windjacket...  i had someone to chase, even if it was a yellow greycock jacket. Not quite the same.

But maybe the same? perhaps?

Before getting dropped, then getting the flat...  which i did ride totally flat because fuck that tire and more importantly the rim was a trash pick, when I put it to use it was already destined for the garbage.

I spent a while looking at the seventh sample from Dead horse bay that steph collected. As usually I spend time looking around, taking a shot here, there, exploring, then usually if given enough time I find what grasps my core - that "THIS IS THE ONE" feeling...  i found it. Concept. FUCK YEAH I got this.

So I start taking all the shots, manually tiling. Shooting at max rez...  18 separate shots. I got what I wanted, focus was spot on, resolution was good. This was gonna be the 12' tall by 14' wide panelled print I had in mind. Thinking giant installation. In the back of my mind though, 6 images in 160 seconds to collect each one (all the while cleaning gold off of the sputter coated surfaces) I realized maybe I should have turned off the scan rotation... but i turned it on because that's the composition I wanted. So I didn't go back.  I collected 18 images while cleaning, fixing and also helping people on 4 different systems and dealing with all the rest of the support stuff. It felt pretty solid. Well worth the added insanity and mental concentration and tax.

Last night one student emailed to say they had a fever, sick, may not make it to the morning session, then that left one, and she suggested joining another session. Opened up time. I fired up CS6... and brought my shitty work supplied computer to its knees for a long time putting those images together. Not too big. Only just over a gig in size. But when it was done? a 20" strip of white.

In the middle.

Can I find it again? not easily. not easily at all, even with a 50x reference image.

All that build up, that hope, and shit if sarcastic and skeptical me has hope? yeah imagine it being crushed... it is worse.

I wrote the process up a bit on Tumblr and in process found maybe a solution. But it would be accidental and while still may be awesome it would bother me at the core. And yes, like having super slow ass wheels and bikes and old shit and nothing new or fast or on par with anyone else. That is much like my SEM. Old. I can make it do shit that no one else can only because of craft and cunning. Give me a new goddamn machine and this probably would have been super simple. A point driven home by that white strip.

the lack of signal.

nothingness...

a co-worked stopped by, talking about random shit over lunch, i bring it up - get a flippant "well I guess it wasn't meant to be" followed by 'here's my problems and issues' oh yeah thanks, that little fucking white bit has made the day a struggle and you display zero empathy and want to talk about you. Not even a "damn that sucks."

Couldn't shake it. Any of it.

Still can't.

Second guessing dinner now.

Tasting and thinking: "yeah this is okay" but is it? I dunno. Maybe it sucks. My youngest, who I've honestly been relying for honest and truthful tasting is at soccer. Just me. Is it good? Yes, actually good. Is it missing something? yes. What? Nothing I can add here on hand I'm afraid. But it is okay.

The ride home felt cold. So either I'm getting sick or I under dressed for a super slow ride home. I did under dress, so maybe that's it.

It was pleasant under the lee of the rocks when I took the instagram tonight.

This view is sheltered from tonight's east wind. Quiet. Peaceful. Heavier clouds have moved in while writing. Not quite a sunset, still a good place. #bikecommute #eastbaybikepath

A photo posted by geoff (@ge_willi) on Mar 16, 2016 at 2:44pm PDT

But can't shake the dark cloud today. So I'm writing... for some dumb reason.

I tried to write earlier over on Tumblr... I like tumblr...  I want to like it.

but i still kind of wish I'd nailed down Nanoscape.com and could have something like this for that...

But with that failing on Tuesday...  It means I can't really attempt that scope of imaging for at least a week, and maybe from the looks of it even longer. That's the biggest feeling of loss. I had a chance... an opportunity, and I seized it...  and I failed. Miserably. I lost. Like I kind of pretty much always do.

Oh. And after smackdown. Back of my knee was hurting.

So when I took the bike out of the car this morning I checked. 99... fuck...  checked all the other bikes...  110....  are you fucking kidding me? no wonder the Paramount felt so weird on the trainer last week.

Why bother? Ninigret starts on the 26th? Would love to go race there again. Would love to have a spring and summer season of racing. Not in the cards. At least I sort of still have Cyclocross. And the RdR. And my friends down here to ride with.

Life...  Sure...  i'm struggling now, in this moment, but hey...  it'll turn around. it always does.

one revolution of the crank after another....

heddwch
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Super Pie Day

Not just ANY pie day but SUPER pie day.

So I've been told.

Made a berry pie with the kid yesterday afternoon. More or less helped her make it, okay not really helped just consulted and did stuff like take the pie out of the oven and things like that.

Declined a slice last night -may have one tonight though. Will have to make more ice cream though.

Solo's comments this morning ring true. Yes. I could likely find more fiscally rewarding job opportunities. Unfortunately career path is: get job in boston and commute every day or get job in industry which means cars and driving and not home much, which may be fine once there are no kids at home, but both more or less remove the bike from the equation in most practical sense as the primary mode of transportation, and the last time I removed it from the equation I lasted 2 years pedaling before just giving up and working on cars and getting fat.

The other thing that doesn't come up unless I'm challenged about my behavior and attitude and perspective is that I really actually like what I do and I'm good at it. The teaching this semester is adding a shit ton of stress but is rewarding enough to make the sacrifices and struggles worth it.

Heck I even remembered to bring the laptop in today. Almost forgot though.

The other point - and yes I could have just replied to the comment but hell why not make a whole post on it.

The Tires - yes. I did switch from the Durano Plus with stan's filled tubes (heavy and slow but indestructible) to Ultremo DDs, and I'll probably run those again tomorrow if the weather cooperates. But I do have a feel faster set of tires, and heck i should untubeless the CX tires if for no other reason than it forces me to re-do them to start the season instead of using the old sealant and keeping them inflated until September, and while not aero those ultegra wheels are the lightest set i have besides the zipps and the brake track is so fucked i'd have to put extra long V-brake pads on the Road bike just to be able to stop w/o punching through the rim track. Which i could do but may not be worth it.

Danced between the rain clouds this morning. Cool temps, borderline too cool to ride w/o gloves at an easy tempo, but it worked. Maybe I'll manage to get home w/o getting too soaked.

Won't be emerging from the dungeon until then.

Also tried a different coffee (dumb but I'm too stubborn so i'm going to suffer through it until it is gone) good and bad side to it: MORE CAFFEINE which isn't probably good, esp since I haven't adjusted volume to compensate. BUT IT SHOULD WORK OUT WELL GETTING THROUGH CLASS LECTURE FROM 2-5PM (probably only 2 hrs of lecture, not all 3)

woops - did an old classic start writing and then got busy dealing with stuff around here.

better hit publish - then move on... OOOH ALMOST LUNCH TIME! F'YEAH

heddwch
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grindstone cranked to 11

life... relentless...

A huge punch in the reality balls happened oddly during a Pandora commercial today while i was putting bikes together for the shop, because dollar bills are dollar bills and I can't choose to ignore the chance to make more. The dollar figure the state of RI is tossing out for individuals to get free assistance doing their Tax prep? haha... more than either my wife or i made (including my second and third jobs in 2015). Laughably tearful. Granted together we make more than that but then that's two people busting their ass and still each making less than the state made that mark at...  Okay so it has caused a fixation point and that's never good.

Life's a kick in the balls when you're not out to monetize and leverage every last little thing.  Worked 1/2 day yesterday, worked 3/4 day today, all week next week- then probably both days next weekend and from here on out to eternity. Or at least until I submit grades and take a day off during the week.

"The choices I've made." steph said that to me what seems like a looong time ago...  still rings true. Wondering what might have been with other choices is kind of pointless. And destructive.

Much better lately at not thinking about them.

But hey - i did ride today even if i didn't ride yesterday and even if today was just into the city and back.

It was good.

The pedaling. I actually rode in with tunes in my ears. Metallica's And Justice For All album. It was awesome. Ride home? no tunes. SO many people oblivious to signs and manners and anything outside their own personal bubble. No wonder Trump makes sense to them, even if he doesn't make sense to them it is the same attitude.

No. I'm not complaining.

Documenting.

Difference.

I know why I am where I am and pretty much am okay with it. I'd love to absolutely have a burden lifted but then maybe i'd not be myself. But then being oneself is a dynamic, you aren't anything but no matter what even when you aren't being yourself because you still are yourself and so.. yeah.

Life is a raging cluster for lots of us.

We do what we can.

I'm pissed I'm still so slow on the hills, but happy I'm recovering enough to get back to giving enough power to catch back up after being dropped there. Constantly reminded that my wheel game is slow and sup-par for the course. But then who the fuck are the dipshits showing up with fancy deep section or hell even showing up with carbon wheels on a training ride? NOT ME! Obviously or i'd be not getting my ass kicked as much by those with the fancy wheels.

I did really like riding in this morning. Tunes in my ears meant I didn't have to listen to the frame creaking. Not bad I guess. Took from 2009 until now for this BB30 frame to develop an unresolvable creak in the BB. Everything's been replaced that can be replaced and it still clicks/ticks and creaks. Kind of hoping the frame breaks. But not really- if it breaks it will just be a measure of something, not like it'll get replaced if it fails.

Making some chili tonight. soaked the beans and cooked them and now in chili...  burritos later this week when I re-fry them and all that.

Weather looking more promising to get smackdown in on Tuesday, maybe the rain will stop soon enough for people to want to show up.

We'll see.

kind of SOP lately... "we'll see"

heddwch
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Smackdown IS BACK

[cue dramatic WWE announcer voice] Back on the roads of..

awe screw it - announcer voice isn't going to work right now. I'm too f'n tired for that.

Today was a f'n awesome day. So good. Sofa King good.

Like Top to bottom.

Granted maybe I should have done a few things differently or maybe not admit to a couple things but hell, you know what? It makes for a WAY better story.

Back up to the weekend or even earlier, Syl and I had concocted a plan to head outside for smackdown and then do intervals on the trainer afterwards.

Yes - Smackdown usually kills me. The last two years I've been dropped HARD core on pretty much every one of them. Doesn't matter what bike i bring, what I do before hand. How much I suck wheels leading to the little rises where the people like Andrew the Lung take off and maximize their lilliputian size against the hulk.

So that said what kind of f'n brilliantly stupid idea was it to agree to get on the trainer AFTER smackdown and do some intervals.

Yup. If you're gonna be dumb, why hold back. But then there's also the calculated acknowledgement that this is probably the last indoor ride, and adding some extra intensity when you don't want it may actually not be the worst thing and while it hurts and mentally takes everything to accomplish, maybe there's some benefit to be had/discovered/realized.

But rewind. I spent WAAAAAY too long looking for shit to ride outside in, that wasn't commuter clothes. Like where the fuck are my black knee warmers I like? Found one but not the other. Found the ones that are way too big and settled on the old school orange ones. but that took forever. Okay where black team shorts? dunno - oh hey here's the white shorts...  can't find white jersey. Fuuuuck. Orange jersey. Oh there are the black shorts. No whites.

Eventually finally made some breakfast, packed some lunch, headed in at the WORST possible time to find parking. Call my brother, haven't talked to him in a while, I usually call and check in while driving because, driving = no wind noise. He's working at a jobsite on the way to work. I'll stop by and say hey and wait for parking window to open.

I get there, have a sip of the smoothest scotch in the world (also kind of expensive) then a beer. Then some how get roped into going on a beer run, I buy beer that probably will ensure two things: #1 I don't go on beer runs again or #2 they give me better direction/orders next time.  But then yeah, I had to have a beer or two while i supervised the painting....  Couple hours later, made it to work, mostly so I could make coffee and heat up my lunch and eat it.

So yeah, you keeping score? Williams brothers...  do what we do best...  esp when we hang out. Also - today was the first day at work when I haven't had two 2-3hr blocks of time giving intensive trainings, first day since maybe the day I got back from Nationals. Or at least that I can remember. Work's insane this semester, mostly my own doing, but that's okay, good actually, except for trying to get the Hundo in, then it is not good.

Lunch winds up not being finished till closer to 2pm. Damn spot late given all the extra calories i consumed in the morning.

Parking issues wound up wrapping the day up a bit early and I hauled my slowly more tired butt up to the shop to get the Quantum Pro ready to ride. Needed front wheel. Pulled one out of my garbage wheel pile (seriously). It works. Not well, but better than other options.

I was tired - oof all the before lunch beers were catching up and I just wanted to take a freaking nap. Zzzzz.

Syl showed up and well, shit that seals it, guess I'm riding. Then Goldberg shows up on his Circle A painted with the same stuff my QPro is painted in, and as we roll out a kid in a Northeastern Cycling Club on a C'dale with stupid fancy carbon rear wheel shows up. And we roll out with a fighter escort given by the gorgeous and lovely Giulia on her way to seminar.

Danger zone happens when we pick up Andrew the Lung and big bad ass Ian (that kid who's my size but 20 years younger and way more genetically gifted than I ever was).

Of course, what does GeWilli do?

Tired ass burping beans G riding a bit he hasn't been on since September or october...

He goes to the front. Until we turn on to woodward. Then he settles in NE guy takes a short pull and then Andrew crushes it to Prospect. And as we turn into the wind blowing up Prospect he continues to drive the pace. All the way to the turn. MONSTER pull.

So I feel fine, hanging behind Goldberg and his loud brakes, and I take the lead from there...  all the way to pine...

spin out that junior gearing yeah (you remember I some how less than smartly decided putting a 14-23 cassette with a 55/42 chainring combo was going to be awesome)...

But hey - drive the f'n pace. Steady tempo,

And then we turn left onto Pine.

And who leads all the way to Salisbury sprint sign (and takes the sprint against NE guy who doesn't know it is a sprint sign), and I drop back and tell Syl it is time to go.

And he does, but then Andrew goes, and Ian goes and NE guy hangs. And then Goldberg passes me and COME ON LEGS.

All pretty awesome until well, knucklehead Syl "just felt good and wanted to keep going"

I'd told NE guy that we'd do a minor regrouping after the top of the hill/sprint. Um fuckhead teammates of mine decided that was dumb.

So well, guess who chased those motherfuckers down until we got to homestead where I blew up? Oh yeah kind of gave it away, ME, Goldberg and then NE kid went around me and worked to close the rest of the gap. And I settled in.

Recovered. And we hit Rocky Hill.

Ian crushed it for the first part. then NE kid. just before the bend, maybe 100 yards too early I jump. And dig.

Legs feeling great, shift, stand, sprint...  wait what do i hear? Fuuuuck The Lung is pulling up along side me...  Dig.. legs say - "um fuck off dickhead this is starting to hurt" and they won't make more watts, I cajole them into a couple more so at least I can stay in Ian's wheel and push it to the final telephone pole sprint line, but man that hurt.

Goldberg crushes the descent and we're back together. Andrew setting tempo...  Andrew stays there and we start up hillside.

And big old 205# of me goes up as fast as I can which means the rest of the little guys and that kid Ian are gone out of sight.

I catch Goldberg (yeah he dropped me on Hillside too) on Pine and pull up along side the rest of them who were graciously soft pedaling waiting, and I Set a tempo, then Goldberg pulls around and does some pace work himself and I'm sitting in that draft, he pulls off and I get us to Read. Ian sets a pace and then I counter and try to up the tempo, but then no one pulls through when I flick the elbow, and so I kept tempo, and then eventually Ian goes, and then Andrew goes and I tag in, we make the turn and Ian kind of fades a bit and I attack wanting to make the segment numbers and push it - except we round the corner by Wheeler running track right into that fucking headwind.

And then as we make the turn the little guys attack again. I some how managed to bridge up, tag on to the wheel, legs feeling oddly recovered already despite hating the fucking hills we're oddly functional on the flats, and I make it through the rotation and just feel good and push the pace and then no one rolls through...  guess the draft is too nice.

It is pretty damn close to dark now, lights on, and we roll back to the shop.

David B is waiting for us. Golberg hangs out and promises to return with beer (and does). And we get on the trainer.

two sets of 3 min intervals with 3 min recovery and 5 min in between sets. These three minute intervals were excruciatingly painful. Holy fucking SHIT they hurt.

My legs are still shredded and fucked. Or maybe that's a good thing.

Got done, had an allagash Saison, headed home, cracked a tall boy and made dinner (at 8:30 yes)...

A good day. Got a wonderful email from the chipper, the chipwhich, CHIP BAKER, or whatever other name pops in my head when I see him next....  i ain't gonna let not online poll determine the nickname I call someone.

Now it is time to sleep I think. Once the dogs are in and I clean up the kitchen.

And yes. http://sweetsandbitters.com/blog/2015/10/6/homemade-hot-sauce-that-better-than-sriracha that shit? SOFA KING GOOD! OMG so fucking amazing. esp on burgers. That shit is so. so. so. so. so much better than anything you can buy (also preservative free unlike that stupid rooster shit people fawn over).

This afternoon was physically tough, but it was also awesome to hang out with and ride with really good friends, like in person and shit.

It is good.

Right now? Good.

Today was a day I needed. Had planned part of it and hey maybe the pedaling might have been better w/o all the morning beers but still, even with that the pedaling tonight was better than it has been in a long time and that's giving me some hope, some good sensations and stuff. We'll see, and I'll keep working on it.

but yeah - should wrap this up i suppose

heddwch
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oh the craZy runs deep

But that chipstick, the little hobbit who's lived 10x the average cyclists life, who's rubbed shoulders and stood eye to eye with more of those who influence where we are today than anyone else...

but in the same breath doesn't ever mention it, never lets on how deep his roots run, how connect he is...

and yet he continues to be one of the most solid rocks, the most positive of positive, the most supportive ever.  Not many friends like him.

What makes him special? Dunno. But Pam figured it out long before any of anyone I know did, but everyone I know who knows Chip aka Velocb knows.... knows what i'm talking about.

He re-tweeted something. A total clickbait bit, but something that I realized way too late, didn't realize it until I stopped doing it regularly, hourly...

Downside? Patterns were formed. Synapses were solidified. I've clicked through the links from the first one, they say more than it does but they are linked from it. And what he posted/retweeted is solid enough to leave without digging or posting further, heck, he probably knows who the person is who created the latest clickbait article.

Despite the clickbait nature of the title, and even based on other articles on blogs that are click bait themselves... a massive clickbait worm hole....

Despite all that...

It rings true.

If we spend all our time complaining about how hungry we are and how much we want mexican food, vs not complaining and getting on with it... even if the complaining is for effect, it still impacts.

Complaining about work stresses don't help them go away do they, nope, they don't.

But bottling up doesn't do much either - action, even the tiniest little action in the positive direction...

but then maybe I should RTFA ...oh wait...  i did
here
and it is spot the fuck on...  saddy didn't realize it till maybe 20 years too late. But hey my sarcasm and pessimism is super well crafted and curated....

But despite blog sense lately I have found marked improvement...  but good fucking lord this shit takes time...  compound it with a massive pile of other factors? makes sense, not easy.

But hey those other factors make the negative shit go away...  so that's something yeah?

Today was rough, exhausting, but good. Graded papers, wrote lectures, made quiz, talked for ever, answered every question until there were no more...  rode home.... made dinner...  picked up kid from city...  fed everyone...  and sitting down now to eat food myself.

Life's a struggle...  venting here or anywhere isn't always the best...  sometimes...  no matter how hard you try to re-progam shit... one falls back on established pathways...  but over time, i have to say... they feel less and less comfortable to travel on, maybe not too long perhaps they will be so uncomfortable that I'll avoid them even when feeling super dark and down.

Chipstick's ideal is one that helps...  the infectiously positive in spite of all odds...  but the depth of wisdom in his eyes dispels any doubt that he's some rainbowfart sniffing airhead. He's been through enough to know...

But this isn't really about that knucklehead townie. But I think to me that's clear. To you? if it is just about that knuckleheaded townie? That's okay too...

heddwch
G

Heck I wouldn't listen to me either

Esp given last night's post. Re-reading was tough.

I'd edit it, but that's not the point of this eh? That's how I felt at the time. A snapshot of emotions. Correct or Incorrect...  that's not the point.

Working on making some dinner. Been cleaning and driving and shopping and sorting shit out all day. Productive but exhausting day.

The food's an issue, other people still an issue, but good discussions with my daughters about it reveal to me that they are getting it. They understand.

Ultimately that's my only responsibility.

And so far with a few exceptions and some variation, i'm succeeding.

I may be a total and abject failure in many areas, on the bike, as a negotiator, okay pretty much everything i guess, but...  hey... life.

We get one shot at this. I come across as an instable annoying jackass a lot of the time...  i just want to help, but then those who can see it all sometimes have the most difficulty in communicating what they see because it is sooooo fucking complex and interwoven that it is never something that can be easily succinctly put down anywhere.

Dinner is made, fire is going, digging through the DVDs, trying to pick one to watch on the ancient CRT.

Time to hang out, unplug and just be here...

heddwch
G

perfect week

focusing on that - to shift gears

Rode the bike to work and home every day.

It has been a challenging week. Difficult. Exhausting.

Rewarding? yes. But then serious struggles.

I almost was able to check off the list before I left the office this week. Almost.

Not too much left on it, at least on the priority list.

but hey...  whatever...

someone brought up being ghosted again.

I realized I kind of got hard core ghosted by my closest friends w/o realizing it. But then I'm sure I've inadvertently ghosted friends and not realized it. So that equals out right? or not. I hope not because that sucks.

at least i have a good group of friends in the local pedaling club, we may not be super close but we're close in proximity and hey they are really good people....

anyway... i do wish i could just not give a fuck, like some twisted asshole, and laugh at the misfortune of others, laugh at people struggling with food choices based on really well intended but horrible advice. But then hey. capitalism. gotta pay for trump towers some how right? exploit the idiots "THIS IS HOW YOU NEED TO EAT BUT PAY ME MONEY AND I'LL HELP" but it doesn't help it just makes you a forever client and that group/person a shit ton of money because they are exploiting you and everyone else.

GeWilli needs something...

something to get this frustration out...

is it because the students are verbally expressing their struggles and i'm bottling it up and not saying anything because i have asshole friends who, to my face, flaunt the opposite and proudly and loudly but then complain about the symptoms their behavior elicits? But yeah, that's because i'm too opinionated and an asshole expressing them.

But guess what, all you assholes are suffering, and so am I because I'm both shutting up but then being conflicted about their suffering because i'm pretending you fuckheads know what you're talking about. And no.

I'm kind of certain pretty much the couple knuckle heads most targeted, know they are targeted here and won't read this, ever.

So if you're actually reading this be comforted...  or be scared...  but whatever... i'm so close to the point of so not caring that it scares me.

Why?

I'm scared to think that I'd watch someone willfully hurting themselves and be happy to just watch them flounder.

But you know what? Who cares.

Pass me a beer and fuck all'y'all

also 400K in RI in one day?

or maybe fuck that - stick with the 12 hundo in july...

or maybe i just need to start the zero screen count down to sleep...

or...

yeah...

fuck it...

whatever

heddwch
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