It is any worse now?

 This stuff going on? Different? yeah. Worse? Maybe.

Hard to disentangle and categorize levels of evil absolutely personally incomprehensible.

Spent a week in Seattle area visiting family and not really doing much else. Went shopping a couple times, very deliberate trips, nothing just to do something. Went for lots of walks, took a ton of shitty photos and some okay ones, some not bad, Still have two rolls of film from the trip to develop and one bit in the camera to finish off.

There were good parts of the trip, some challenging parts. A friend person that life's been getting in the way of actually seeing IRL, someone who I'd secretly (too secretly i guess) hoped would land that full time gig they had interviewed for and start working while i was there but then didn't and I didn't follow up because I have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old apparently (or I maybe i was just hoping the same magic as the last few times would work and they'd be employed). And hence the strike through.

But that's really how it goes, become friends, I do something someone can't understand because they don't want to understand or are using it as an excuse to not interact with me anymore and then all the flashbacks of former friends come through my head because that's how I'm wired. 

It is my life, it is my path it is what I know. Nothing else to say.

Trip was good, red eye home wasn't terrible but was pretty tough adjusting to Sunday after only 3hrs of sleep and then the dog being kind enough to let me sleep till 6 (M), and then 5:45 (Tu) and then 5:40 (W) and today? Thursday? 4 fucking 40 am.

Millie, I love you, you brilliant smart 14.5 year old mutt with bad teeth and terrible breath and a $100/month injectable drug that lets you move more easily habit, but FFS this morning was a bit much. I went back to sleep, slept through my alarm and woke up late and got to work late in the heavy rain on the commute. At least it was a tailwind.

Tuesday morning was actually kind of helpful in that I discovered the rear tire on the Madone was flat. And the sealant had dried up over the last 18 months. Chain needed waxing too and I had the new mini-crockpot to fill with wax, SOOOO I recharged both the front and rear tires with fresh sealant, and melted the bag of wax, dipped the chain, put the melted wax in the baby crock and got ready for smackdown.

Bike ready. Me? Still running on not enough sleep, what could go wrong. Tons of walking while out there, generally two and once three trips to the beach, a trip up and down a 200' elevation difference trail in a short distance (check strava if you want to see the full details of the trail).

Rolled out of IPP but the big crew rolled from the parking lot not the usual spot, okay. Got to JPs. There were too many riders to count. And that's awesome, and they are all faster than me, also awesome. For them. Big A group took off as we crossed Pawtucket Avenue and strated down 152. A big group. Then the B group settled with Graham on the front and Liam (insanely fast Junior) next to him, and then a handful of really fit and fast folks behind them, smooth and experienced fast folks mind you, crazy spaz fast guys all were in the A group.

Graham started off (check the strava if you want specifics)  pretty fast, 24-26 right off the bat, and when My HR started to climb in to the red sitting in the draft, I looked over at Burke and he had the same feeling, yeah no. So we formed the Regoup B group. except with no leadership. Steady As (that's what I'm calling Graham's group) just kept flying ahead eventually whittling down to 6 riders. A smackdown TT with Graham leading the whole way, basically. okay if that's what you can do and what you want to do, I seem to need a bit more recovery than going the same watts up and down and flat and where ever, esp since the power number I need to hold any time it goes up is too far about my threshold to sustain.

Maybe I'll get better? Maybe we just need to start a fresh old school smackdown on Wed or something.

The second group we were in kind of was a bit of a mess, stayed in a double paceline for a while, then it went single file, but the group stayed together until just at the top of Rocky Hill, I couldn't match the final acceleration and got gapped, Burke looked back and hung out and we tried to chase back on up Carpenter but eventually lost sight. They were right there on the left hand turn and if they'd soft pedalled we'd have gotten back on but as it was, nope. Burke and I rode the rest of the way home together, we were chasing for a bit but eventually just rode home. It was good to be out there, and legs were as expected, not great after 7ish days off the bike. But potentially better than expected.

I slept well, didn't cramp up Tuesday night, but oof last night I had a few good ones, a hamstring cramp and then early morning an adductor. 

Bike was good, chain was stiff on the way to work and the rain had just moved through tuesday morning so the Madone is now filthy. 

This morning was another rainy ride, but there was a good tailwind so not terrible other than being wet.

I had a handful of other things I really wanted to get down but this has already taken three brief moments to get this far. Probably can tell. 

Maybe I'll get the rest out of my head soon.

Heddwch
G

new wu-tang? oh yeah

 Saw this yesterday, was good. Good enough to get me grooving and moving.

About yesterday...

I was a few minutes late.

Tire held air though. But I ran it at 22PSI which is 3 PSI higher than usual and that is a big difference in traction and I slipped once going up Don's Up and In and spun the rear wheel and went down pretty hard.

Dropper post is still kind of fucked up. Oil in there. Factory says yeah, do the cleaning brake removal. need the tool for that though, at the least just the brake tool. 

Rode the Madone today. These hoods are way too small. Feel puny. I'd love it if there was a set with the same size and shape of the old 10sp 105 hoods. Would be nice if they were just a little big wider. My hands are not catcher mitts but they are a wee bit bigger than most. 

As much as I want to get the Stache sorted, I also want this to work so I can have legs on Tuesdays but still get in the woods. 

Too much to do and then I fly to seattle.

Well, it is a Monday. Do what you can to be kind, take care of those around you

Heddwch
G

time change

Of all the campaign promises made, this might have been good, eliminate the time change eh? 

But yeah no such luck. 

I've managed to mute the really good vocal hey have you seen this atrocity today and have been able to scroll through the feed without to much panic. 

One of the facility users did manage to darken my mood with their absolute despair abd, I don't know, resignation, sometime just dark and infectiously depressing. Was not good. But, got through it. 

Am here, now. Major protests persist. And the meme about have you tried unplugging the USA and plugging it back in? Well that kind of feels like what's happening right now. Being unplugged... But unplugged and dismantled for scrap and that weird currency that starts with a c might be not quite the same. 

It's not easy being me. I had to ask my mother to stop bringing up this gov stuff. I can't have conversations yet, it seems. Even writing these handful of sentences are triggering a small rush. 

That said I'm getting better at this, and before long I'll be able to engage, I think, without losing my shit out having a full blown panic attack. 

Maybe. 

Dirt Church is up soon. Writing this might make me late but I needed to delay breakfast a few minutes ago here I am. 

Wasn't able to put air in the tires, so I cleaned the front valve core and that worked. Rear valve core was too gummed up in the middle, not cleanable. 

So I swapped it. 

Put air in both tires easily, finally. 

Checked them last night and both were flat. 

Fuck. 

Aired them up to 30... 

This morning, front has held, rear? Not so much. 

Tried to check for leaking, filled it up, checked seemed ok. Then fuck it. 

Tim the bike outside, took the rear wheel off and pulled out the soap spray. No bubbles anywhere. 

And there's still liquid sealant in there. 

Hmm. 

Also working outside barefoot is cold. 

Let's take a live look at the tire. It's been 30 min. Do we have bubbles anywhere? 

Nope. Well fuck. I dunno. Should hold for the ride. I would leave it parked here and ride the Stache but I still haven't reloaded the rear brake pads AND Tuesday is smackdown and we all know riding singlespeed on Sunday is not great for smackdown legs on Tuesday. 

Ok, time to eat quickly, get dressed and load up the car. 

Heddwch

G

about that coffee thing

So I didn't really cut back. I've been better at limiting coffee, but more effective at removing the triggers. 

Adding a few more mute words, limiting random surfing/scrolling. Expressing gratitude to those who can and are acting and engaging. 

Reading. 

Editing photos. 

Doing working. Trying to be a better me, trying to find joy out at least balance in this life and what left I have to live. 

Work to be a positive influence on the students I work with. 

Feels like this is boringly becoming an affirmation web log. Not sure if that's good. But it is maybe what I need. 

But what I REALLY need is a new 130bcd chainring for the Black Blue. Been commuting on that now that the studded tires are on the Surly. And it skips and pops. Maybe partly the freehub, mostly the chain. It's all so worn it's not funny. But there are few to no options for affordable replacements. I've got a cassette, I think I have a chain, but the chainring is so worn I can't stick s new chain on it I mean it's fucking 10+ years old. Probably 10-15k miles at least on that ring. 

Maybe I've got a new ring, it won't be the a 44t but maybe that's ok. It's not used as a CX bike anymore. Hell, until last week it hasn't been ridden since I got the Madone. 

Right now it works in the largest cogs, and the smallest. Not much in the middle. 

But holy crap it is so much faster getting to work than the studded tires on the singlespeed. 15-20 min faster with comparable effort. 

It means less time pedaling but that's not the worst. Maybe I'll have more left in the tank at the end of the week! 

It is fat Tuesday and ou I have a craving for a good Michigan Paczi it's been 20 years but I still miss them heck I'm close to my Michigan weight now but I'm also carrying a hell of a lot more lean muscle mass. I'm not super skinny, little bit of squish in the midsection, too much maybe, but I looked at an old photo from 12-14 years ago and my arms and shoulders are carrying more muscle now. And my back has been the most reliable in a long time, save for a few weeks ago. Nice that three incidents are the anomaly not the routine. 

Lots of work still left to do. But, physically things are not bad 

Eyes working better than in they have in ages. 

But still not as good as they once were but I'll take it. 

I better get going, a couple things left to do before heading up the bike path this morning. Yeah it's late. 

Oops

Heddwch

G

Reality is dawning

 Been thinking, looking, reading up a tiny bit. Adrenaline rush can be good but mine? Not good. When triggered from the 'fear' place vs angry place vs sad place vs action/athlete vs thrill place it is different.

Ways to deal with it, get regular exercise, at least 30 minutes a day. That's FUNNY (already do). Limit screen time, tough one but on the whole I do spend quite a bit of time not in front of screens, of if they are they are pretty far away (I have long arms and my eyes still work) there's a low % of that light vs the rest, but then again nearly all the artificial lighting I'm around is LED. So that probably isn't good.

One of the things is to cut back on coffee or tea, aka caffeinated beverages. And that got me reflecting about the last time I was having this many panic attacks/spontaneously triggered Adrenaline rushes. Michigan, driving back and forth, not getting much exercise, drinking too much coffee.

That dawning reality is two fold. One, for self preservation I need to remove myself from the stimulus that is causing the overactive adrenaline to rush my system. That is physiologically bad. My situation might be unique, it probably is, it certainly seems to be an outlier from my limited sampling of people.

The other? I probably could/should cut back on coffee to make it a bit easier maybe. Until I can find a better response to seeing a fucking headline or hearing about some absolutely evil shit happening, that I can't do anything about.

Haven't made a pot of coffee at work today. I will need more but maybe I'll make just a few cups. This coffee maker I have doesn't have to be filled up to the brim to work. IT WILL make a small amount of coffee. I think, I've never tried. 

Lets see what happens. But holy shit, I could really stand to not have a panic attack/adrenaline flush dozens of times a day.

And when they happen as I'm trying to fall asleep? That's bad. Like being away for hours bad.

Gotta do what we can each do. Keep doing this job, keep helping people, keep doing good and creating a safe space for those around me, keep making art to keep my sanity.

I should take a walk before lunch eh? bring the camera. I need to finish up the roll in the Half Frame. Been trying a few double exposures with it. A pretty stock effect but hopefully one that works at least for one frame. I'll take a low success rate for this.

Just kind of wish it was a little warmer. 

Hell has certainly frozen over!

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

catchy title

 I  had thought of one for this, but all I remember is that I thought of one.

Not what it is.

Processing and moving forward. I'm still working hard at dealing with it all. There's a good long list of not cool shit everyday. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse it does. And it is a struggle.

Those who can make change, impact policy, really do need our support more than ever. So that's one very concrete thing you can do, thank them and keep the pressure on to do whatever they can, even if it is limited. They are in a position to garner media attention, protests and gatherings and demonstrations are easy to not cover for the national news and in part the national news controlling the local stuff. 

And maybe I remember what the title was...  Outlier.

so far...

Had one of the worst mental days yesterday, so far. 

And just thinking about it now, it's partly due to the group of people rightfully scared and outrage by what's going on sharing every time last soon and horror story happening. I understand that it is how they cope and deal and try to be heard, but mostly find community in shared outrage. I get it, but it doesn't work for me. 

And that's a problem I'm not sure how to solve. 

Action? Yeah action I get, call to action, here's a list of about you can do, here's who you can call or write, here's a gathering to express group feelings. 

So not only to I have all this not great stuff assaulting me every time I try to go look at photos or catch up with friends, I add a layer of guilt, hopelessness and fear and that creates a feedback loop I style to break out of. 

And then end of day I realized, I figure to get my morning dose of Mag glycinate and the adaptogen. Unregulated chemical cascade. 

Not good. And then I had all sorts of apocalyptic dreams. 

Fun times 

Back was doing great. Now it's a tiny bit sore after shoveling. Can't wait for another two weeks of recovery. 

But with the way the snow is, unless it's scraped the bike path will be a shit show when it freezes tonight 

Time to eat and head out. 

Need to do something good. 

Heddwch

G

another week down

Another week of some crazy shit. 

Office organizing had been productive. But I've also been extra productive in support and help and training and you know, doing my job. 

It's almost like things in my gig are getting a little closer to what it was like 5 years ago than they ever have. But in those five years a bunch of new hires all got their own system and some departments have bought stuff that normally used ours. It's what it is. All this reminding myself about what I can and can't control over the years with rates and use and all that I'm the job, aka recognizing I have very little influence, had been helpful to scale up nationally/globally. But the difference in significance and what's at stake are a little different. But my influence is even lower. Like win the big lottery with one ticket influence. But as long as everyone keeps buying tickets someone wins. That's a shitty analogy esp since it feels like it went big and the worst person won. 

It's ridiculous the level of petty hate, the twisted lies and the shit that some how people just don't see.

Ok that maybe wasn't great to write before it reminded me of the thought I had on the ride home Thursday. I'm the thick cold slush that froze into sniper ruts that are out there still. The political opposition party and candidates basically need to run a 24/7/365 coordinated national campaign, now. And until (and beyond) if we ever have elections again, until we reach a point of equality and common sense good for all the people, not just the, not see, the problem people. But what do I know. I'm just an isolated fifty something white dude with basically no social circle, who takes photos and rides bikes and does the microscope thing, which is really just kind of complicated photography. 

So kind of good things happen yeah? Pull back from social media a bit, a lot. Filling the time catching up and working on the chaos that has accumulated around me. Not bad. I'm not an ostrich as much as I'd like to put my head in the sand, that's not going to help, but I'm still not going to try to take in the firehose stream of doom and disaster we told everyone that would happen if this was the outcome. 

Weather is going to be kind of fucked tho. Not a ton of snow, but some. Right now it's so cold that the ice everywhere on the path won't melt. Were going to get snow on that, then rain. But warm enough? It's all allegedly happening but it sounds bad for Tuesday commuter and the whole week next week 

But yes, I'm so glad I have the studded tires right now. This actually has been the first winter commute in a long time where they have been essential, and the old ones just barely work in a straight line pulling the plow on snow.

It's funny, I did find a typed, yes actually physically tired draft letter of statement and purpose for my application to grad school at MSU. So not only typed, but also I used the word: photomicrography. Not sure I've used it since. Or done it since. The electron microscope was using film, as maybe I mentioned, and I had a full darkroom to myself until coming out here to RI where the darkroom had just been decommissioned. But EM and LM are different documentation beasts.

I'm thinking maybe it's time to begin the next organization phase of setting up the full darkroom in the basement. Not just the film room. 

I'd like to get out in the woods on the MTB. But that's not looking great for the weekend. And that's ok. It's been a LOT of work committing this week. And I'm tired. But hey maybe Monday will be some miraculously good conditions and I'll get out then. But I also need to redo the rear brake on the Stache. And figure out if I have the tools needed to overhaul the seatpost on the Top fuel. 

Which reminds me. I really just have a bike room full of Treks, with a couple Blocks, and a Wisconsin Paramount. Those Kleins? The Bontrager? The Lemond? All post Trek buying them. Two of the Kleins are Chehalis built, the Bontrager is Santa Cruz made. Now I have the Madone, arguably similar in level to the Quantum Pro, the Top Fuel is more Adroit/Mantra range and the Stache has the same holy shit those are big tires (3") that the Adroit had with the 2.35" tires in it now. I should get RSL bars for the Top Fuel and the Stache so it matches the MC2 on the Adroit.

But I should also get that Pentax K1 so I can get cool color bird photos and rowing shots. I will always shoot in black and white but there are times when color is the choice.

And yeah maybe the blog is back? I guess maybe it would have been better to fire up the laptop for this. But doing it here means I can have the big coffee mug in one hand and write with the other. 

Hmm, there's not much left in the pot and I'm the only one up. Gonna need to pace myself today with the coffee so I don't overdo it. It was a late night last night. Picked up kid on the city after a show, after dropping them off and then going to TJs as a date night (shopping, how romantic), picked them up because they aren't super comfortable getting to the bus plaza that late and the buses stopped running before the show ended. So it was late. And I was deep in dreamland when the dog loudly announced they needed to go outside way to early. I did manage to fall back asleep until the sunlight, lack of coffee, and bladder conspired against me. Tired as I was, I got up and made coffee and started the morning quietly. 

Reminds me. I've been chasing lower back pain since that first plow day and the storm after the annual physical and spasm with stained muscles. 

Almost every night I've been taking an Aleve at bedtime. Because when I didn't, the pain would wake my up and sometimes would spasm from the pain and, yeah, bad cycle. The Aleve helped prevent that. It also, oddly enough, turns down the wake up and pee in the middle of the night dial. 

Last night no Aleve and even after going to bed after midnight I still had to get up and pee at some point. BUT the back is getting close to pre-strain/spasm level. The heavy heavy studded tires aren't helping but working to keep the cadence up makes a difference, but it's also why I'm a little more tired after this week's commute.

Next week is a for day week, maybe I will have enough left in the tank to ride Saturday and rest Sunday if the conditions are good enough to get out. 

That's enough rambling I think covering a pretty big arc. 

Take care of yourself, and those around you. 

Amor Fati Morherfuckers 

Heddwch

G

stress

Let me start off with a reminder to myself. 

I'm lucky. 

I'm fortunate. 

Life has not been kind or easy.

But I'm here, and I persist. 

My influence on the grand scheme and direction of the arc of the world is not much different than the wing beat of a butterfly. Use either the time travel reference or the hurricane one. 

If you give a shit about people, it's not easy right now 

Daily stress/panic trigger from headlines or photos aren't probably the best thing for ones health. 

And in some ways I'm feeling more and more isolated. Pulling back from social media, but still trying to engage and share photos is a tough balance and the big loss I feel is a sense of connection and relaxed banter that kind of is nice. 

Another team lately/last few months, an in person void has opened. Over the years I've been very lucky to have made friends at work that stop by and hang out and chat and laugh drink coffee. That's missing right now, and of course me being me doesn't really know how to fix that 

On the flip side, shit is busy. There's not a lot of time for it. 

And more to the point, when I've been in my office I've started stress cleaning and organizing. 

Which reminds me of the most stressful traumatic office cleaning. Sleep deprived, panicked, hours of unknown office cleaning in Dec 2013. I think that's sorted I mean I hope so, it was a long time ago, a different lifetime, I was a different person, or just in a different darker place than now. 

But it kind of hit me, this finally getting to clean up and organize. Is stress and avoidance driven.

It's a daily reminder and self affirmation what can I do? Not much, be the butterfly, help going, make sure I'm kind, considerate, and supportive. Most people are better at hiding their fear, and some are just able to go about in spite of it. 

You can thank the dog for waking my up at 5:30 for this. And I'm kind of in limbo wondering if I need to drive the oldest to work before getting on the bike and riding through the slush and 33 F rain. 

Yes I'm grateful I don't have to deal with another 4" of wet snow. But this is going to be a cold ride. And wet. And it's a long day once I get there. And I still have to get my shit together. But I'm avoiding it by writing. It's also just kind of still baffling how such obvious signs of my mental 'condition' disability basically were so completely unaddressed/ignored and in someways purposefully. But again best not to assume massive or intent when ignorance is the more likely solution. Typing this on the phone with one thumb (swipe) is slower than the normal posting process.i know it seems I'm kind of all in on this ASD thing, but with my oldest clinical diagnosis, my sober self and awareness, it's just to painfully, 'oh well that makes sense now' 

It also makes a bit more sense why I'm struggling with all this out there. Another moment was recognizing that the white boomer women coined 'empath'' as a personality trait or whatever just to avoid the autism label. And yeah no shit, I am much more rain man who's bad at math than the average person. Y'all probably are all like 'yeah MF'r we know' 

Life goes on, hey, at least I'm not having panic attacks about dying daily anymore! Small wins. That said it's the same feeling a couple times a day from the other shit. Not sure that's better.

But I'm working on how to function in this ever changing reality. 

Stay safe good luck, all that. 

Heddwch

G

So now what?

 I can't even take seeing the headlines anymore. 

Was talking to Pete at Fuller's Speed Shop (coffee - I can give you history on the name a different time - trying to stay on track) after watching CX World's with the 1PVD folks today.

Pete mentioned how growing up we all kind of planned for the apocalypse, you know, mad max shit, waterworld, all that. Realizing now as older adults, it fucking sucks to get to that point, you have to survive a lot to make it to that survival side of things and well, there's a lot of people and it will be pretty cataclysmic here soon is my guess. But maybe not? Maybe all these vocal cheerleaders, will be right and it will be even better in the end.

Photos. Full bore into making art right now. Doing my job. Taking care of people around me, being there for them.

That's what I can do. 

May we all get through this.

Till then, I'm going to see if I can improve on my skills, and get a better mastery of the film.

Just a short blurb. Hoping to get out in the woods tomorrow after watching the CX race. 

Gotta keep that back strong, who knows what I'll need to do next.

Heddwch

G 

I broke myself this week

Riding the plow bike all week in big winter boots. 

Was kind of ok most of the week until last night. Didn't impact sleep until then. And of course it was cumulative. 

I knew I had categorized the pain/bike fit keys. But took a bit to find. Searched bike fit seat height maybe it was searching saddle height that got me there. But I found it. Also found all the long Gloucester race write ups. When there was time for long essays. 

https://www.gewilli.com/2023/06/click-i-get-it.html 

After plowing there was still a lot of ice, and I had to be at work much earlier than usual and so I kept riding the studded tire bike. The Crossrip + that is a size too small and has short cranks. But it has a motor and the really old studded tires. 

And the first few days were ok. 

I had put big flat pedals on it so I could wear the big Sorel mickey mouse like winter boots. And then never really tweaked the saddle height to compensate. And then I took the Montrose saddle off and put a Concor on. Without raising the post. 

Riding it while plowing isn't great but I'm not carrying a backpack. It's now dynamic. Put the backpack on and I don't shift around quite as much and it makes it worse. 

Three days in a row and I'm almost crippled, an in kind of constant pain. But I can find a spot to sit without pain. It's just the moving again. That is impossible. 

Gonna take a couple naproxen and see if I can figure out what to do. 

It's bad enough to have to deal with the emotional pain of what's going on, let's add some physical to the mix and get a shitty nights sleep. 

Amor Fati Morherfuckers 

Heddwch

G

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothing can beat teamwork.

Edward Abbey

Rise and fall

 title is a riff on a thought I've been having, how IG has tied up small businesses completely as a place for them to contact customers, FB less so but also so, twitter was similar and some still try to use it like that. 

Social media marketplace or a way of keeping in contact in the current situation we're in. 

but it seems that the influencer thing is failing, but maybe only because I've completely tuned it out? Sure I pop up some stuff with the nordic pocket saw but that's a balanced relationship, we're both benefiting, although they haven't had any amazon returns come back to me in a while, good in that maybe no one is returning stuff, or also good in that they are selling more direct... 

Rise and fall of other stuff. Fitness, health more specifically.

Almost put together a short post on the microblog site of choice as of late but thought better of it. 

Last week was huge. Even for in shape me. 8 days in a row, heavy AM headwinds, bitter cold, three days in the woods on the MTB. Saturday I woke up dizzy again, ears a bit stuffed, balance fucked. Still went riding in the woods. But holy shit i was tired. 

Saturday proceeded to wear me down, tired as fuck, still pulled off dinner. Plans to drive to CT Sunday were suddenly questionable. Woke up much the same as the day before, but more tired. Opted to stay home, to really work on doing very little. Monday woke up better but similar, light dizziness, tired. Took it slow, but while tired not feeling as bad. Woke up this morning almost normal. Tired but barely any dizziness.

Kind of like what I had around Lowell. 

Last week I also added two 2k meter rows. Second one not an easy one. I had planned to get on in this morning. Wanted to, it seems to be paying some benefits, definitely helping my back and the added intensity and strength isn't a bad thing. BUT. As much as I wanted to it seemed a much better idea to recover more completely. To pause and maybe tomorrow or thursday get back on for a quick tune up.

Been getting a few photos here and there, want to take more but haven't had a chance to go for a walk outside. 

I'd like to go check on the gallery install process, a piece I submitted is going in the group show here at work, a show for staff. I'd like to just go for a walk. I'd like to ride over to get a photo of the old sunken crane on the navy barge in the port before it gets removed (i guess they are going to start doing that this week).

I'd like to find something to occupy and distract this overwhelming feeling of fear and worry and concern with the direction things are headed. 

I'd like to find the time and space to be better rested, not always two big rides away from making myself sick or disfunctional from fatigue. 

I'd like a lot. But will have to settle and make due with what I can. And that's going to be okay.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

Batteries

 Went to leave. 

All dress, helmet on, jacket on. about to roll out and I went to start the watch, or at least begin the process of trying to find a GPS signal.

"LOW BATTERY"

well fuck

oh, I never saved this morning's ride. Well shit lets do that.

1% battery.

Take jacket, helmet and glasses back off.

Plug in watch.

Now what.  It was already later than I had planned to leave. But what is another few minutes anyway.

Haven't been the most productive today. It'll change soon enough. I did tick some major boxes so there is that.

Trying something new and it isn't working great. So ya know with the phones and stuff, they are great at playing games? Stupid games, time wasting ones. Yeah. those. You're probably not the type to play smash the sugar, I did a few phones ago, and a tablet a while back. But one thing I did was when I got a new phone I stopped playing that one, even though I was stratospherically high in the ranking at that time. Why play them? I don't know. Addicting. Anyway, so new phone, left game on old phone, was playing on old phone. Great. Carry two phones play games on one, no games on new one. Good plan.

Then I dunno if I missed a low battery notification or it just bricked itself but the old phone screen went black and has been dead/unresponsive since. Plug in? Nope. Hold buttons to do hard reboot? Nope. Dead Jim. DED

Now what? well i logged into the one game, but it was different, notifications and interactions all completely different and ... I just closed it and haven't opened it since. But what to replace it with? I have an old solitare game, playing that. 

Not sure. Really need to NOT do anything and actively reclaim the time. But I think that maybe is a process, and the one thing I can do is NOT get hooked on anything. Play random doodle things, solitare. I dunno. Work on the photos. Take pictures. Really anything I suppose.

It isn't easy. Habits aren't easy. But I guess I've quit other stuff. But I had health incentives, this one kind of calms my brain but I guess I need to find something else that does that too.

Maybe I need to open up the weblog thing and write anytime I think I want to play a game. Get back into that habit. Blue sky place has been good. Too good maybe. With the new changes at the face place conglomerate I kind of just want to nuke all of those accounts...  but that's not quite on the cards just yet. I did delete my threads account, joining that was a mistake. I don't really use FB but you can see over here on the side - i do use IG and well... shit I like it as a place to share with people who are only there.

Ah well. Watch is up to 61%. Quick bathroom stop and then heading home, only a few minutes later. Glad this thing charges so quickly. Wish it held a charge longer but it does the job it needs to do.

Now here's to hoping there's enough juice in the headlight battery, i DIDN'T charge that today.

heddwch
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coffee story

Well adventures in coffee at the in-laws continues. 

There's always been a good story. Like years ago my FIL making 12 cup pots with [light roasted] beans for 6 cups of water. 

Early this fall there was rumor of the demise of FILs pride and joy coffee maker. A Cuisinart grind and brew 12 cup thing

It's nice, and has the stainless thermal carafe. 

But pouring from the carafe is insanely poorly designed from the getting the last drop out pov.

Like you need to turn it completely upside-down.

Not a big deal when it's empty get the last drops of coffee out.

Filling the reservoir? 

Yeah that oof

In the past it would get clogged when a little water got in the hopper, mixed w/ the freshly ground coffee & turn to cement in the chute.

Well in process of recovering from this issue this fall the lock thing broke.

Then I got a tiny bit of water in it filling it for the second pot this morning.

When that second pot finished grinding I could hear the burr blocking the chute. 

Time for more coffee. FIL is engrossed in a Hallmark movie, he's got a temper and frustrates easier, needed to get this done without him knowing. 

I needed to figure this out myself. 

30 tense, dirty, minutes later

Paper towels, tooth picks, and an amazing amount of black cement like sludge later, I had another pot of coffee ready to start.

And Christmas Eve miracle: I managed to get it done without FIL realizing it.

Fun times. 

Now go listen to Fairytale of New York and then no doubt's version of Oi to the world

Heddwch

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Where we at?

 Well we're right here. Tired AF, trying to make it all work.

Bike racing last few weeks has been rough. Feels like I've come down with something but it is also similar to how I've felt totally burned out, over extended. Maybe it is both?

Should rewind to Squirrel and Lowell maybe. But maybe not. That's behind us. I felt like I was racing there at least, It wasn't the best, but it was much better than last the recent efforts.

Thanksgiving happened was good but also Friday and Saturday I just collapsed, didn't do much, not feeling bad just felt like I needed a break. Gave myself one. But was still off, not in a good way either. Sunday was an early drive to New Haven, then on the way home a stop at Bishop Orchards for a CX race. The final for the PMCX series and literally on the way home. 

Got there earlyish. Went out for a ride. It had just started to thaw, so was slick on ruts. Not too bad but the slick in the corn field was sticky clay mud. I had the 45 riddler up front. There's a few mm of clearance, that's it. Not ideal. Second pre-ride it got worse. Third pre-ride lap (I was racing last with the 50+ and like I said, got there early) and the front wheel essentially locked up with a mass of corn leaves mixed with mud. It wasn't going to be good. Nick loaned me a front vittoria mixed, we knew our rotors are the same after the New Haven race when I loaned him my front, and that made a big difference, except.

Except once we finally started racing it started freezing. No more sticky mud, it was a frozen paste that wasn't sticky at all. 

But through it all I was ready to pack it up and just DNS. Just not mentally there. Just down for some reason. Bad head space and I'm not sure why. Couldn't figure it out. Course was good, I kind of figured it out, but after a lap that was it. Just couldn't get my head or legs in the game. And the HR shows. Started well then I just started riding around. Everyone passed me, got lapped, just out of it. But DFL > DNF > DNS and to top it off I wasn't even DFL. Almost but not.

The week was crazy, but productive and lots of issues that have been plaguing work got resolved, but it was cold for the first time and commuting every day on top of being tired meant I was already tired going into Ice Weasels Cometh on Saturday. Would have been much better for me if I had had a day off before IWC. But I wasn't in a bad mood, but I also wasn't feeling like smashing it. Got out for a pre-ride, took it chill, lots of ice, i was on the skinny 32s with inserts and the heavy wheels. Had the gears on, rode around in the biggest cog. Fine. Other than the ice under the mud. It wasn't terrible on my first pre-ride lap but I could see a few issues developing, areas of 'concern' but it was snow and ice and ice weasels right? Supposed to be sketchy winter.

And it was. Felt good pedaling around, never felt like going too hard though. Nothing hilly enough that I had to give it everything. With the skinny tires I was hooking up on everything, no question. Well everywhere I needed to put power down. The ice stuff I just didn't try.

But I was also, just, not, feeling, it, again. BUT instead of being negative I was just stuck in neutral. Literally. Just neutral. Fine, but not awesome, happy to see everyone, happy to get ready to race, to pin a number on the jumpsuit, to line up and make laps. 

What I wasn't ready or seemingly capable of doing was going fast. Partly the ice and not wanting to go down, and partly just not being able to. There was one point behind a few fat bikes that I felt like I was being held up but it didn't last too long. It was less than ideal. At some point after witnessing dozens of people going down HARD I decided I was going to ride around, find the good lines and stay upright, even if I was just riding around and going slow.

Tired, but not really symptomatically sick. But maybe my body is taking a bit longer to process the double Vax from Tuesday morning last week. Or... I don't know.

Simple reason is I'm tired, getting old and need to adjust lifestyle a little to compensate. 

Writing here while the car gets some work done. Paying to have oil changed and tires rotated. Vs getting dressed in warm clothes, jacking the car up and doing it all myself out on the street after going to the store and buying everything and then going to the municipal yard with the used oil collection point. So I've just taken it in, paying for them to do it, while I have an opportunity to just sit here with the laptop and write. It is nice. And I'm tired. 

I hope there's nothing more serious  going on. But would it be a Fall for GeWilli without some health issue? Man I wish I had had 180 cranks from 2009 on. That's 10 years of dealing with lower back hip pain that the best DO and Chiro and LMT couldn't figure out or fix. All I had to do was move to 180s. Simple fix. Then back, knee, whatever whatever. 

Stuff happens. Life moves on. Looked at Crossreults and This year was the first time I went to this many different races since 2018 I think. And that's with basically not racing all of October. AKA head of the hous, head of the charles.. and then that other one up at W'ster on the Q.

Seattle bound on Wednesday. Looking forward to hanging with everyone, the little ones, my mother, will be at Shoreline concert. It is a bit of a logistic mess but it always is. It will be exhausting, but it always is. And then I come back and things go crazy for a few days and then we head to VA.

I did get a few good photos on Saturday. Finally sat down on Sunday night and got them edited. Of course the day started with meeting my brother at home depot then going to lowes to get materials to build the roof for the racing shell. end result, we have a plan but the boat is now hanging out in his Barn until we get to building it. And that's probably going to be in Jan or Feb. Then grocery shopping then home then photos then dinner then sleep.

The only time I had sitting down was eating or editing photos and neither took too long. I didn't get that many photos. Stuck a bit to my 'don't play photographer before you race' thing. But maybe I shouldn't have. My race wouldn't have been any worse.

Time to get back in the woods, time to ride MTBs. Time to get out for a longer road ride.

But first, time to take a break, go visit family. Then come home. Maybe get in some erg workouts to change things up and see what is happening with the fitness. The travel kind of messes up the chance of hitting the Festive 500. But that's okay. 

And they're done. Time to pack up.

Good timing, much easier writing a blog post instead of working on the car 

heddwch
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BIKE RACING

 I should write about it, but I have another 65 photos to edit.

But what got me here to write is the recognition of what's felt weird/troubling/bothersome lately.

A level of creep of sadness almost? Couldn't figure it out for a while. But between the few extra CX races and changes at the old picture factory, I kind of might have figured it out.

I'm just more and more isolated and alone. And I don't like it. Sure, sure I'm very much okay alone and do fine by myself, I mean I can survive and deal. But I miss those few people that were dependable and regular in my day to day interactions.

One thing talking with Robot about Sunday, the missing element for me at CX, she did point out that even on a team it is still an individual sport but I spent so long in a team that it was all the other stuff outside of racing that was good. Sure, I pretty much know most everyone in the race by now, and sure, I'm 30 pounds heavier than I was when I was fast, I'm slow, and that is maybe part of it. But not much of it. Mike F's words, the whole if you do it know you and you have to do it kind of thing (Pure Sweet Hell intro/voice over) are true and even being slow and sucky I find there are things i'm not terrible at a race and do enjoy it. I have no nerves about racing, no one is counting on me doing well. I guess in someways it has become so selfish or purely for me, that I can't let anyone else down and I've been letting myself down for so long I don't have any expectations, hell I go in expecting I'm going to fail at it and am surprised I'm not last or something along those lines. Make sense? 

Work? A bunch of shifting has happened, labs with people I would hang out with have moved down city, and general usage is down and while I'm still busy with meetings and help and keeping things working and trouble shooting and everything, it is very different. Something has changed and I'm more isolated than ever. Funny coming from the guy who's whole fucking career has been in a basement with no windows and more microscopes than people. The only time I see anyone is if they need something from me, aka help. 

Have been listening to some great books, really good ones, fiction though. Someone brought up Edward Abbey and so I went to the library and poked around once I saw a few of his peak works already checked out and saw the David Gessner book; "All the Wild That Remains" and it is a balance or interplay between Abbey and Wallace Stegner. 

And of course there's a lot that is reminding me of my Dad. He was a huge Abbey fan. I don't think he started me in on the books but we both felt strongly about them and the ideas and the places and the philosophy in Desert Solitare and The Monkeywrench Gang. When Abbey's last book was published, I think I maybe I was in college or there abouts, but IIRC it was published posthumously and I remember my dad not wanting to read it yet. Because when he read that then there would be no more of his writings to read.

I don't know if he actually ever read it. 

And Gessner was talking about Abbey's handwriting, having read the journals. Talked about his cursive script.

And that made me think about my dad's handwriting. His mother made sure her children's handwriting was perfect, that their cursive script was absolutely flawless and perfect. And his was. We would exchange letters in high school and college quite a bit, would get them now and then in grad school and beyond. Pages on lined, often yellow paper. 

Over the years though and towards the end, the letters slowly stopped, email taking their place but cards and what not would always feature his meticulous handwriting. 

But it started slipping, the handwriting. Partly due to the neuropathy and lack of feeling in his hands but also the hidden and progressive onslaught of his Atypical Parkinson's. To the point where it was even more illegible than my worst handwriting. Indistingishable loops. 

This was all in my head this morning. I was listening. Paused the book at a noisy part and never hit play again. Just thought about all this.

And then, I realized, we never found any journals. I don't ever remember him writing much other than letters to people, and I didn't see that happening. His idle time was making stuff, baskets, decorative gourds, working in the garden, fishing or hunting or preparing for both or either. Or driving.

It is no accident that he wound up in Abbey's country. In a town that Abbey would have been happy in now if he was looking for a place. Moab? Fuck that touristy bullshit. It was everything he hated. Arches? Yeah no.

I'd love to have seen Arches or the great sand dunes the way Abbey did, was able to. 

I wonder if my dad did keep a journal what it would be like. I can guess, and I'm sure lots of it would be awkward and difficult to read, but probably nothing surprising.

It has been just over three years. I don't know that I've fully processed my grief. So many unanswered questions. So many opportunities that my version of ASD and his just meant we spent soooo much time in quiet company. From when i was just a kid, hours of fishing until we caught our limit. He would explain what I needed to know to fish, how to bait the hook and why and that's about it. Learned behavior... or something.

Life is tough.

Life right now is about to get harder for so many people. Both for those who are prepared for it to get worse but also for those who are expecting it to get better but are likely in for a horrible shock. I hope I'm wrong and it doesn't get worse for anyone. 

But I do wish the messages about the planet, about the resources, about exploitation of it all, would reach the masses. But those who read get it. Too many people only listen to podcasts and watch you tube and those, like the mistakes I made a long time ago, are worse than poorly sourced well written blogs based on bias and false information.  

I should leave, should go home early. i still have too many photos to edit. But when can I do it? I get home, sit for a few minutes, then start cooking. Sit down to eat. Then what? Pretty soon it is time for bed and time to start it all over again.

And maybe that's just part of getting old. Being more alone or isolated. Maybe it is for me. I don't know. I guess I'm okay with it but I'm not sure I like this trend.

But I should start wrapping stuff up and going home soon. Too late to ride home in the light though. More darkness. 

AND I FORGOT TO CHARGE THE DAMN LIGHTS!

shit - fingers crossed they get me home.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

Oh and loincloth update: I have NOT worn gloves or a warm jacket on the commute this season yet. Means No gloves, nothing more than a light rainproof or thin second layer on tope, no ear covering, nothing more than thin Wrangler ATG pants. And while it is a bit of a Loincloth thing, it is more a demonstration of how fucked the weather is and how warm it has been.

And maybe I'll write about bike racing... maybe

Here we are

I had thought maybe about going out to Really Rad this weekend. It isn't that far, but I wasn't keen on paying the price to race on a dry dusty course, shifty bike or no shifty bike. And it would have been a long drive to go out to ride Otis and then take photos. I'm not as inspired by the dusty shots as I am of the muddy rain like last year. 

And I was tired.

Physically not so much but mentally, hoo boy was I a wreck.

Did a few things, got some small stuff sorted, like laundry, that was a week overdue. 

But driving the hour plus out there, to not race. I did finish George's book, it is good and worth a read or a listen. And no, i'm not editing this shit. 

Not yet at least, going to just get it out. 

I took a few snapshots with the cellphone while out at Dirt Church, but no film, no fancy camera shots. 

well shit

I had a little bit of motivation and steam and poof, two side quests later and I'm sitting here... hungry... feeling funky... and yeah now what?

Was going to maybe do NBX under the lights on Wed, but maybe I should just do dirty smackdown tomorrow. Would give me more time to recover before Saturday and maybe I'll be recovered enough from my ride on sunday. And yeah, not eating before doing Dirt Chuch is still a bad idea. No matter what.

I mean I know better but also kind of am trying to drop a few KGs so why not give that a try, again. Gotta remind myself it isn't a good idea, even if I run out of time.

So maybe dirty smackdown in the dust tomorrow. Wheels are on it for that. I don't think Tree house is going to be all that muddy this year, unless that water there is spring fed. Guess I'll find out.

Started looking for flights to seattle for the concert, there's not much and kind of surprising, no red eyes, or not many. Either they are all sold out or aren't happening. And that kind of changes the plans, Red Eye was nice, i was going to be exhausted after the trip anyway, why waste daylight on travel? Sigh, need to figure that out soon. Maybe I'll hit it with some vigor tomorrow, aka energy levels higher than tired sloth.

Oh, I still haven't put any air in the tires on the CX bike since setting the bike up before the Cider Donut Hundo. And they still have plenty of air. Kind of insane for a tubeless set up. That or the Finishline stuff really is working well, or pairs well with this set up. 

That said to fill them up I have to pull the cores out. Kind of annoying but it is nice having the TUBI pump because it does just that. 

Alright, this was down at the bottom of the barrel of web log posts but...  yeah oh well.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

 Hitting hard

In all the ways.

Visually,

lyrically, how it is sung and the words

compositionally and the arrangement

--

How to phrase it without saying it all. Maybe I don't need to, maybe I shouldn't and leave it here as this. Pivot to an odd connection and realization.

The idea of what I take photos of when not 'assigned' or 'working.' The walking around. Photos of birds, photos of the water, sunsets, fog, structures, buildings, spaces and shapes. If people factor in, they are almost always solitary. Faced with crowds and crowds I find no compulsion to take a photo, no inspiration.

Also started listening to the new George Saunders book after Ken F's mention of it. AND THAT has brought me back to high school again, with a teach who was all about Russian Lit. He gave me a few books, and I devoured them. Found I just couldn't read enough Russian stories, and here is george going through some short stories in a way that's new. But also as a college grad level professor I'm hearing it all differently than most I think, esp differently than student age readers.

Makes me want to go back and re-approach all that that I read then.

Dark dramatic black and white photographs, maybe with one person, like the solo fisherman from the first roll of P30...  kind of falls into that bucket. Contrast, description, not bright happy flowerly colorful bullshit. Go figure. Shocking.

Started off with all the intention of being more expansive on the notion and reflection from the video, but brining up ancient heartbreak, and all that seems kind of pointless now hours later after I started, walked away and came back to it.

A bit overwhelmed at the moment but also too tired to care. Weird state.

"I can handle

Way more than I can handle 

So I keep reaching for the handle ..."

and here I am, buried by handling way more than I can handle while still reaching for more (scanning negatives to edit while I still have so many more photos from the weekend to edit)

I'd do it at home but lets see, I get home, sit for 20 minutes maybe more if I'm really cracked, then start cooking dinner, after washing the dishes, wind up finishing eating and sorting it all out at 8 or so, then maybe I have an hour plus a little if I want to work and start again. 

Time is precious, never enough of it. The clock is running out too. Each second is an experience we'll never have again. We are standing in a river of time constantly changed by it and can never go back to where we were once before. So we much hold on, persevere, find little bits of joy, and ultimately carve time out from somewhere to stay sane.

So maybe I'll be doing that now. Soon at least. I'll get on the bike, maybe the sky will be colorful on the way home, maybe not.

And dinner to make, what? I don't quite know. We'll see when I get there.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

Too much time to think

 I believe I'm suffering from the ride on Saturday. Not the physical side. No, the physical side was just pure and simple a beat down. 

What ride? I joined the College kids here, the fast ones, on a donut ride. Leland put the route together years ago and it flows horribly. Instead of routing it so it goes up from the bottom of a T with a stop sign it goes down them. Like screaming down a hill into a blind stop sign T intersection. A handful of times.

But it was on roads I haven't been on much in years. That was maybe not the best thing, nor was the fact that the route had 25 climbs on the RWGPS route and my Wahoo made sure I was aware of every single one. There were other issues with the ride, routing and getting out of town being one of them. The bigger issue was once we got away from the city and really started riding, it started going up and I'm 2x as heavy and 2x as old and that's not great when you're going up against. or honestly, just trying to hang out with a group.

I caught back up at the first cider donut stop. Had a part of a donut. Got dropped pretty quickly because the next donut stop (orchard) was literally a steady climb from the first orchard. I got there in time to taste one, have a sip of cider and leave. Easily hung out on the downhill section, that was fine. And then we hit another climb and there was 20 miles of riding before the next stop.

So I put my head down and pedaled, and tried, in vain, not to think too much. Of fucking course I thought. Too. Much.

I did roll into the third and final donut stop before they left, but immediately after that was the steepest climb section and it was long and they were gone and I was left alone with the climbing and my legs and my thoughts.

80 miles and many hours later I was back home.

Went for a mtb ride the next morning. took 2 hours before my heart rate decided it wanted to go over 127bpm. Like full on zone 5 breathing, panting, and HR is chilling in the 120s. WTF. 

But 2 hrs of pedaling and suddenly I was getting into the upper 130s and not breathing too hard.

Was some thinking time there. But also a good crash too (landed on soft stuff this time).

But the thinking and head time and maybe a handful of everything else has settled and my previously positive and good mood is elusive. Like a mist or fog or some intangible presence or dark cloud, not really intense but a off feeling just out of reach. Why? Dunno precisely. Hurricane, politics, life, health, getting old, feeling old. I dunno.

But I push on. 

Big cider donut hundo this weekend. Starts at Tyler Munroe's kid's bike shop and hits 5 orchards with donuts, 100 miles of mixed terrain. 

I put gears on the Crockett and ffs 105 10sp shit just works, so damn well. BAM positive shifting, perfect, no hesitation.

Taking photos, developed a roll last night and it is awesome. The roll. I like the process too. I do need to make up another batch of developer, but maybe that'll wait till tomorrow. It'll be a few days before I'm ready to develop anything.

Gonna throw a few links up from today's open tabs.

Mike F's column of course. I did pause to watch Joey's Kora video before continuing to read. It worked really well doing that:
https://nsmb.com/articles/the-lamentable-invisibility-of-nuance/

This kind of says everything I'm worried about with the new Pixel 9 phones, guess maybe I'll be looking at an 8 to replace the 4 when it comes time:
https://pluralistic.net/2024/10/08/water-thats-not-wet/#pixelated 

Dave's comment raises an interesting thought. If you're selling one of his bikes for that much and he's struggling with healthcare costs why not kick something his way before he's gone:
http://davesbikeblog.squarespace.com/

Stevil went and changed the webpage since I last looked at it. Sorry, we're stuck with this layout for a while. 

Kent went from one post only to now normal posts, and I think he's on his 30th new IG account. Getting to be a regular Hey look who followed me, again, must be a new account time. At least I have a new book on my hold list. I did finish one that was awesome and kind of maybe that's part of the funk, the just finished a great book funk and don't have something awesome to read lined up.

Anyway. People are still posting good content out there. And the believeinfilm crew on Bluesky has been awesome, for me, inspirational and helpful. Not super critical, but that's okay, I'm so hyper critical about my stuff I'm not sure there's anything anyone could say about it that wouldn't surprise me.

But yeah this place needs a facelift

As always: AMOR FATI MOTHERFUCKERS

heddwch
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