unexpected

I don't always watch movies mid week but sometimes we do and usually they get split up. Somehow I latched on to the accountant. We started it yesterday.

Finished tonight. And the instant Sean Lowe started singing I lost it. Subtly on the outside but very significantly on the inside. 

Nah didn't have much to do with the film, but maybe a little. More to do with the lyrics and listening to them, in refection about my dad. About life. Leaving something behind. 

The lyrics are just so good. I think so. You night think they are garage or trite or whatever. But to me. They've good some heavy meaning. That and I listen to it over and over. 

It's been a tough couple days. Today was ok, but it also wasn't great. I did get one roll scanned. Two to go. We'll see if I can get through them tomorrow, or at least one. Maybe start prepping a few to share. Goal is always to edit as little as possible, and while I'm not scanning them at the max pixel density, it's still nearly 100MB each. A bit large for social media. Plus I gotta get that white border around it.

Might need to print a few and mail them to the folks in the west. I'm not ready to set up the enlarger and get into the whole paper side of things.

It's a big weekend coming up. Constant reminder of the stress five years ago that drove me to my last and maybe biggest bender, longest one at least. I doubt I'd be alive today if I hadn't stopped drinking. Biggest odds would have been going the way Robin Williams or Anthony Bourdain... Next, almost that but unintentionally. I don't think about that much anyone. Part of not doing the what if game.. usually that's played with regrets and missed opportunities. It's easier not to what if the demonstratively very few good choices. And to think, it took sobering up to finally get a modern MTB. So glad I did 

I suppose, given how little coffee I've had today that I should go to sleep. The morning will be here soon and there's a hell of a lot to do tomorrow. Kind of hungry tho. But then I ate too much yesterday thinking I was going to do smackdown. 

Alright, be kind, do some good, be nice to people. You know. Don't be a dickhead.

Listen to Frank Turner.

And always sing along when you know the words.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch

G

missed it today

Smackdown that is. The smoke was insane mid-day, it was really bad, a concentrated pocket of bad air from the Canadian fires. 

I was also just not quite feeling it, tired? Mentally more than anything. Fighting a bit internally?

Finished King's Running Man. Absolutely fabulous, ridiculously indulgently good. 

Then in a moment of, let's totally wreck myself, I watched Enders game finally. Read the book a long time ago, the characters were nothing like they were in my head. And the ending is always tough, book or film.

Bonus of skipping smackdown was that instead of riding to get dinner finished before riding, I had time. So I watched. I def ate too much today but also... *Shrug*

I started the day with coffee then film developing. Three rolls. One that I finished the day I left. Last few frames walking around. Two that I shot in Seattle.

The processing for the Arista is great. I did the roll of Kentmere 400 and the emulsion doesn't seem to like the washing, too long maybe? Not sure. But now that it's dry it seems fine. Wondering if that's an Illford characteristic or that film specifically. Guess I should buy some HP5 to compare. I should load up the roll of JCH, take a walk while down at ship street tomorrow. And order the batteries for the new acquisition, the only other Leica not made by Leica. The one is the R3 I have that's now working, and this one is the other camera that Minolta made the CL. Based on the logos it was the first run. Based on the condition I don't think it was used much. Still has the original Varta 1.35V weird shaped battery. Unlike the battery for the Pentax, this one is still available, unlike the Pentax, this light meter circuit only works with 1.35V. 

I've built a massive pile of film links that are open on the phone. I need to do a link dump and purge. It's mostly photography stuff. But I'm digging it.

Had two really good back to back rides in the woods this weekend. Nothing to fast or hard, but good and fun and solid. On the shifty squishy bike both days too save the legs for today, needlessly. I realized I still ride the shifty bike like the singlespeed. Out of the saddle, lower cadence, infrequently shifting. 

Was cooking dinner, got thinking about me and cooking for the kids, and thinking about the recipe drift over time. What did the old stuff taste like compared to this?

Been thinking allot about death, and the finality, and all sorts of redacted stuff. Yeah, I backspaced quite a bit. IYKYK.

The air certainly has cleared up. Doesn't smell like fires any more. I guess I should have just gone to the ride. 

Too contemplative today, too mellow. A vacation day at home. Laundry, film developing, shopping trip for things I forgot to get this weekend, finished a book and watched a movie. Drank less coffee than usual. That stuff is getting expensive. Up $5/bag in 3 years. 

It's a pretty perfect evening. I should have gone out for smackdown, but I didn't. I'll pretend I'm ramping it up after the week off. Easing back into the intensity. Sounds plausible and deliberate, right?

Amor Fati Motherfuckers 

Heddwch

G

once again

Travel covered all the modes.

It was a hectic mess trying to get out though. Super hectic.

Left in a rush. Cut down the backpack contents even more at the office, still a bit full.

Ran/walked down the hill to the train, bought a ticket, walked down on to the train. It was fucking roasting hot in there and after the effort to get on I was sweating. Then Brent and his wife got on and we traveled together from the through security. Good chat and catch up with them on the train.

Trying to buy a Charlie Ticket was annoying. I should get the app or card or something maybe. Took four? tries.

Then the SL1 bus took forever to get there. And was absolutely packed with everyone waiting. Then traffic, of course. Security was a breeze. Shoes got left on, the guy on the one end was grumpy about me asking to hand screen 400 speed film but he handed it off and the guy doing the screening was cool and happy to do it.

Walked in opposite directions from Brent at that point and early. But the next train would have been too close.

Almost the last person to board the plane, row 15 middle seat, Brown student next to me really small guy on the aisle. It wasn't terrible. I was too tired to read my book, but couldn't sleep. Played in the phone for a while, then watched some TV with CC because I forgot to pack a set of 3.5mm headphones, then watched a movie that didn't have CC. And sometime around there the plane started getting really warm. That little air nozzle not doing much. And then we were so early we had to sit on the plane for 30-40 min waiting for our gate to open. Then a long trek to the arrivals pickup that was absolutely jammed full, then up to departures that wasn't and hopped in and headed here to my Sister's place.

Felt like I was sleeping in, birds going, light out, but no, wasn't that early but headache was starting and I needed coffee. So I got up, and am sitting outside about ready to go on and make cup number 3.

Was a crazy day. Now I'm here. I have a hitch to install on their Mach E at some point, and the nieces and my sister to hang out with whenever they wake up.

Going to be an interesting and I'm guessing emotional week. But I did pack the film camera and I'm hoping to get some shots of family at least.

Time for more coffee

Heddwch

G

Well now

 I have fallen off the writing wagon. Or if you want to be more trendy, my ASD is focused somewhere else and putting words down isn't a priority.

Flying tomorrow.

Trying to strike the balance between wanting to fly out there like Reacher and packing enough to not need to bother with anyone or laundry.

Camera? Def no computer but that means it is going to be really tough to try and read assignments and submit grades. Maybe I can borrow a computer for a few minutes. Book? To read? Maybe I have a pile of them but do I carry it? Is there room?

I think bringing the film camera is a thing, but totally waffling on bringing the 28 for landscapes or the 50 for people...  going to see people so maybe the 50. If I had the K3 Mark III with the 16-50 I wouldn't need to pick. But I don't yet. But I'm still now currently wondering if I just buy a second camera, color and monochrome. I think i might have mentioned that already. Paris and all. If that happens. It is just money right?

And then things blew up. As in where did the last two hours go? 

Time for smackdown. I know, I should go home but L and K are rowing and I'll get home just after or at the same time if I do smackdown and i'm facing a week off the bike so why not add some stress just before taking a 'break'

It'll be nuts but it'll hopefully be good and it will be worth it. In spite of all the important shit I'm going to miss.

All that hurry up and now it isn't time to leave yet. 

Well guess what.

I keep thinking back. Back to the heyday, when I had just enough responsibility but not too much. It was a phrase or a state of being someone coined back in the Forum days. We had time, but we also were productive and got shit done. And slowly. 

Slowly.

the creep...

responsibility creeps... obligations... at that point I thought it was more of a specific job description kind of label. Those with no responsibility were just doing the churning, washing dishes, cooking, wrenching, doing stuff that you had to be doing stuff, not supporting and fixing and managing and all that...oh well such is the way of life.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers!

heddwch
G

Reflecting and the week

 Cleaned my office a bit last night and today. Visitor is always a good motivation but then the visit sometimes means more to me than them. At least my office is clean now.

Taking photos, a few, here and there. Not as many as I'd like. I have too much film for as few photos as I'm taking.

Would love to travel with the camera but I need to go light, need to take a full on break from everything, even though the week will be as crazy as it can be. 

Packing everything in before leaving.

Not to mention so much more extra to deal with on top of it all.

This weird space, strange place.

A good place maybe. But not totally. 

May have international travel for the first time in decades (not counting Canada) and part of that has me wondering and hoping the new Pentax i ordered shows up before then, and then that has me wondering if I shouldn't just buy a color version and the other lens. 16-50 and a 50-300 with the PLM focus motor with a color back and a monochrome back? Kind of insane to think about doing that, esp since I'm not a pro photographer. 

At some point I meant to write up smackdown. It has been a bit of a shit show lately. Wasn't feeling terrible, and planned on just hanging in and surfing wheels. And did that for the most part. Then we rolled up on a crash from the A group. Wheels overlapped and someone wrecked some clothing and busted a helmet. 40 people were all packed on Pine, a narrow road with bad sightlines and nearly edge to edge. 

Things got sorted and the groups all took off. A group headed out, B group grew with folks who didn't want to have anything to do with the A group anymore and well pretty soon there were three evenly spaced groups, A, 'B' and then Justin me and a pile of people who weren't quite ready to go apeshit. We got up and Burke was dangling and Justin and another along with me looked back and started kind of waiting but the group started going faster and Justin and the other took off to jump in, I waited for Burke and then set a brutal pace and dragged him all the way back to the group, got there just before Rocky Hill, totally cracked. Breathing had just barely recorvered when we made the turn on to Rocky Hill and I got a little gapped there going up, Burke made the transition and I started riding solo. Again.

But I did, I could see them, some of them and I put my head down and just held a pace. Pushed it, hard. No one to draft, just me. Caught a straggler towards the end of Carpenter, caught Kelli and ? and Burke after the turn, and I paused for a minute, sat on burke's wheel and then went to the front to keep chasing, A car on perryville slowed the chase a little and we lost sight of them.

But i wasn't giving up and I kept it pegged...  Burke came around and gave me a breather until we made the right turn and I went by him there and dropped him before hillside and was alone passing milo headed to Jacob/Broad. made the right turn, saw a few up there, caught Ben from Ride July bikes, and kept pushing it, saw some blinky lights way up Prospect and just kept the hammer down.

For most of this I kept hearing Aimee and Kevin singing Jeff Buckley's Halleluiah at the show on Sunday night, and at one point, I kind of felt Mark, have been reflecting on loss, death, cancer, a student of mine is working on GBM research, an almost student put on a performance about TBI and death...

And at some point, it clicked again, but in a way that made more sense and gave me more energy. The way Mark literally rode every smackdown that spring, like each one was going to be his last, until the one that was, was, and like every other one he was on, he crushed it. And I pushed the pedals harder, kept the HR higher, found some weird new source of energy. 

A recognition that one ride, at some point, will me my last. I don't know how long I can hold on to it, but hoping I don't let go of it, not because it isn't true but becuase it is powerful and motivating. Relishing the slow relaxed rides, the woods, fast or slow, smackdown, with the group or alone chasing. 

It feels very fatalistic, and is I suppose but I now understand a bit more behind what drove him and his energy and joy in everything he did.  

I didn't quite catch the group, but I got to 152 before they left and just behind the stragglers that they dropped. I passed and dropped a handful of people chasing, worked harder than I had on the bike in a while and felt good.

On top of it all I actually slept pretty okay given how hard I worked. So that's a nice sign that I'm getting used to the load and can go hard. But kind of not sure what to do, goal race was 24HOGG again, but I guess that probably won't happen if I'm in Paris, but that's not certain yet. Maybe I should race a MTB even. Kind of still want a road bike but hey whatever the one i'm riding works. Maybe i just need some decent wheels that didn't come out of a garbage bin.

I was going to leave the office early today. 

It is still earlier than normal if I leave soon but no where near early enough. 

The weekend starts soon. Best get at it and home and start doing everything that needs to be done.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

that was awesome

Good spot, never gave it up, didn't move until the show ended. Danced in place. Got a pin from the Interrupters (everyone along the barrier).

Good plan to drive, free parking and the show didn't end until 11:10. Walked to the car, in the rain. Was home at 12:24. Saw the commuter rail along the highway just before PVD. Of I had taken the train I would have had to miss half of the FT set, and still would have gotten home even later.

And didn't have to talk to anyone, didn't have to accommodate our worry about them.

And the show was just absolutely fucking awesome.

So worth it.

So good.

I'm tired tho. 

Heddwch

G

going to a show alone

Just like last time. But now with a more legit parking spot not a resident permit spot.

Kid is going to try and sell the ticket I'm holding up the barrier at stage right. Being right in the front is great but the side without obstruction is pretty ok. Now to see if I can survive camped out here standing for the next few hours. 

Going to a show solo kind of sucks when it comes time to go to the bathroom, or get something to drink, but hey, I spent a week asking people, no dice. It's what it is. Just money and just me doing me things alone. 

At least I don't have to talk to anyone.

Funny thing is NU graduation is going on right now next door. We were all up here this time last year. Fortunately I got in before they let out. Surprised I found a parking spot.

Been a long day. Not sure I had enough food or water but I've got both in the car and of it really comes down to it there's stuff here.

I'm looking up kind of jealous at the chairs upstairs. Maybe I should have paid for a seat. Not that anyone sits down for these shows. Would have made the next hour more tolerable.

Well my phone's going to die before I get back to the car if I keep this up. Breast throw on extreme battery saver and go back to watching people.

Heddwch

G

friend list

 Call it the friend test for the list.

So, lets say you have an extra ticket for a concert... your wife absolutely does NOT want to go, the person you bought the ticket for (your oldest kid who didn't want you to go to the show alone and to see one of the opening bands agreed to go, then went to the other coast because the ticket was purchased in fucking december) is out of town.

I have two tickets to the Frank Tuner/Interrupters show at the MGM at Fenway on Sunday night. Tickets on the floor... and I'm not even sure who would want to go, no idea who to ask...

It is a pretty lonely feeling, but then if I come up with a name my brain starts planning for the worst thinking this is going to be too late notice and they already have plans or don't want to see these guys.

some shouty english quazi folk/punk/rock guy with fans who know all the words to his songs, and one of the hottest post punk/ska (4th wave?) bands, fans also know all the words to the songs... 

On a Sunday night in boston. Would be great to take the commuter rail up but show probably goes too late to catch a train back to PVD (I've looked, schedule is super tight and might have to leave early and don't want to do that)...

I figured if I try to write it out on 'paper' maybe I'll be more of a don't give a shit and just ask...  maybe i should just blast if on IG... IDK

Rode the SSMTB on Friday morning (left lever is oily, i think one of the seals somehow got messed up, no idea) weather was awesome but I was tired. Saturday alone with the dog so I left later after watching L race live out in Saratoga and went to the shop, did some stuff, but not enough. Too fucking tired. Mentally and physcially. Sunday rained so I just watched L race and then went shopping.

May is lining up to be a mess esp with the trip to Seattle, and everything everyone needs me to do. at least the bulk of the course is done and it is just the students doing the talking/presentations now.

Need to make some coffee... 

Oh hey, anyone somewhere between here and Boston want to go to the show? I'll drive.

heddwch

G

found something

 Well... i dunno if I found it. 

But lets walk back to last tuesday. Took the old Concor off, a 90s vintage one, taped up nose, worn out corners, stuff just wearing out. Taylor gave me a bag of old ones and in there was a cool black and while logo Concor. Looks good on the Black and white Blue that I've been riding as a road bike.

Swapped it. Straight up just took the old one off, put the new one on.

Road it all week like that. Back felt kind of weird at the end of the week.

Check the saddle height. I thought pretty carefully, read the tape correctly, looks like it was 5mm high. So I rode to work yesterday, then dropped it at work (was running late, forgot about an service engineer's planned visit - he was a no show - other emergency system visit for a down tool, ours was working so lower priority, fine, not a bit deal). 

Rode home and I haven't slept so poorly in ages. My glute on both sides was fucked up and in pain. Almsot got up and stretched and rolled in the middle of the night but I was too tired. Did that in the morning and it helped. Then really got in and close. Checked a few bikes. 

I fucked it up somehow. Needed to drop it another 10cm. So it turns out this Concor is 15 mm taller than the old one. 

Funny that a full 15 mm didn't really cause any issue, or mostly just a minor one. But going to 10 mm high cause MASSIVE pain (after the fact). 

But now I think i managed to acutally measure it properly and get it right and it feels right, low but right, and it is still a couple MM taller than the MTB, but that has a dropper and is much more dynamic, but also is the 24hr seat height so maybe I need to go even lower? 

It seems there's more forgiveness with the drop bars than the flat bars in terms of angle (makes sense with all the different hand positions), but got me wondering if there's an exclusion zone of sorts in the middle. It is okay above a certain point and below a certain point. The odd thing is above usually causes knee issues, but my knees have been better than ever so maybe another week at the high mark might have started to cause problems.

oh and when i dropped it yesterday it didn't want to move, at all. Not good. Took it out this morning, scrapped a bunch of aluminum oxide off the post, put some grease on it and in the seat tube and put it back together.

Remember folks. Annually remove you seatposts from the bike and put more grease in there. Esp carbon posts and frames. There can be so much friction in the carbon that the resin melts and basically glues itself together. AKA you're never getting it out. 

ANYway. I managed to catch up on some of the sleep deficit this weekend... only to slip back in the hole last night. We'll see how smackdown goes tonight.

heddwch
G

Coming up on 5 years

 Thinking about that quite a bit lately. Timmy Jackson just hit his nine year anniversary, Brad is on his all of them as in straight edge for life anniversary, PTC aka Pastry just had his 40th anniversary on the day he turned 40. So me being almost 5 years in, no big deal. But in some ways it is a big deal. My dad went from 1978 or 9 until he passed, that's a really long time. He had a more catastrophic incident around his 40th birthday I suppose. Looking back, 10 years ago could have been that for me, but somehow when he turned his rage outward, I turned mine inward. And then stopping didn't change anything. But it also changed everything, for both of us. Me in much less dramatic fashion. 

Wrapped up in all that is just the fatigue of everything. Carrying a lot of weight. Stuff that's visible is too much, the stuff no one can see is a pretty manageable burden alone, but when I'm so far beyond it becomes pretty heavy. 

Today was interesting. Mostly because of yesterday and last week and fuck the last whenever. 

Long week, recovering from being sick, not sleeping well then just as I was getting caught up on sleep E picked up on this virus and started having disrupted sleep and then the weather has been weird and I haven't had a good night sleep since wed. the only one? Sleep is important. But hey at least I'm not falling asleep terrified I'm not going to wake up. Although, gotta wonder this is one hell of a mess I've left for everyone if I don't. Yikes. Better start working on that. Weird way to get your shit together isn't it? I'll get right on it with my next free moment.

So plan was bike shop on saturday, but we also planned to ride early. I was thinking it would be a short 5-10 miler, just to get out there.

at the 10 mile mark i thought about heading back to the car but kept at it. It was good. I had no snap, my legs were low on glycogen i think, and the fatigue was very much there, noticed by the HR numbers, down. On the singlespeed I should get close to the max, but i was at least 10beats lower based on the effort and no sign of going up to where it could go. Check, fatigue. The lack of snap, fuel. I knew from the day and dinner it would be a close call for fueling but just wasn't hungry or couldn't find anything i wanted to eat and well...  it is what it was.

THEN i got in the car, and headed to the shop. built a token couple bikes, i was out of it. tired. it was kind of commical how bad it was. So bad in fact i had no idea where I put the car keys when I got there. Went to leave and no keys. tossed the place. dug through the dumpster looking for the trash I threw away when I walked into the shop, found it but no keys, went through my backpack three times. Scoured the whole shop, everywhere that I was, anywhere I could have put them down, asked if anyone had picked them up in the lot. No where. Went back and looked through the bag a fourth time, carefully spreading all the stuff inside aroudn the inside of the car. Last pocket, a pocket i never use, a side one, for bottles or coffee mugs when traveling. there they were. Like no idea how they got there, when I put them there or why. I know I'm getting old but this is like a black hole of a normally pretty indelible memory (still).

Fatigue is a motherfucker.

Made it home, realized there was a lot of coffee left and so yeah also low on coffee for the day. Watched a bad heist movie with terrible improbilities at the end, made pasta, ate, tried to sleep, poorly. And then the low coffee meant good morning earlier with low dull potential of headache lingering and, well, guess I was up and drinking coffee early. 

Instead of riding (it looked so good after the rains, temp was perfect) but still tired, so I went to help do some much needed maintenance on the East Bay Rowing sculling equipment. should be quick. 3 hours later and a really good sunburn. Time to come home and do the super fast shopping for the week and get to the train station in time. I think I missed a few things but whatever.

made dinner and 

now, afraid to go to bed now because i'm not going to fall asleep, not looking forward to E getting up at 3:30 to drive to boston to volunteer at the big race. 

And then there's class tomorrow and no. break. in. sight. Some how I have to find two days before the end of the month to take off. NO CLUE how the fuck that's going to happen.

Not to mention everyone seems to have gone to the mix tape. except me and Jason B. Is there anyone I don't know on that start list? I mean of course but seems like everyone was there. And I had no desire to ride it. I don't get it. I mean people are having fun but it doesn't look fun to me. Gravel rides like that? I dunno. Gimme the RdR RRRR, Greasy Joe's stuff, small group of friends/a team, a route, figure the shit out adventure have fun. Not a big curated circus. But then things like this have been really popular for a while and I've just never done any of them. And as much as it would be great to see all those people i know, it feels wrong to call them friends, in my definition, kind of sad but the list of people i'd call a friend is really really small. But of course that's probably because I'm much more autistic than anyone ever recognized (even me). And, yeah, if I'm going to load a bike up in the car it'll be the MTB, either one, and I'm going to go ride trails, hopefully with a few others, but worst case just by myself. 24HOGG is supposed to be a big social party, it is pretty much me, being alone with everyone else and that's kind of okay. 

I wonder what it would be like not to be so completely destroyed all the time.

What is it like having balance, rest, harmony? I know most of the people that seem like they have it don't and appearances are just that a surface skim, hiding who knows what.

10 years ago I was chasing a kid in a fluor green jacket up Rocky Hill a couple weeks in a row. 

I hope I can rest up enough to make it out to Smackdown on Tuesday. Would hate to bag it two weeks in a row, but also, no point showing up in shitty form when rest would be the smarter choice.

I really actually had somewhere else I was going with this. 

Not so much a point but there's something missing and I don't know what it is.

maybe I'll think of it tonight

Amor Fati Motherfuckers also #beepbeepmotherfucker

heddwch
G

what was I saying about being happy with my 1965 Pentax?

 Last couple days I've been trying to decide what film to buy next.

Lots of options, what ISO... I dunno... 

and then last night I saw all this press:
https://us.ricoh-imaging.com/product/pentax-k-3-mark-iii-monochrome/

Sturdy, weather sealed, waterproofed, ergonomics, big viewfinder

smaller sensor than the Leica but it still has plenty of pixels

but most importantly no bayer mask... and lower price point than the new M11m or Q2m or a used M10 or previous versions from the red dot.

that 16-85 or 16-50 lens? Kind of sounds perfect

It is interesting, hearing all the same things said about the monochrome sensor, but now w/o the Leica price or ease of dismissal.

That one Leica guy who does all this black and white on a color chip, i still think his images suffer from it, esp when you listen to these three talk about it and use it. Maybe because these three are color photographers, pros, they make a living, based on the car a comfortable living and they have very specific and clear reasons why monochrome is different.

Of course analog is also different, and with the 16-50 lens or 16-85 lens it is still a few thousand dollars, and that buys a lot of film and chemicals. But it also would be a big shift from manual focus and developing film. 

increased sensitivity means being able to push the fstop wide open much longer, and virtually eliminates photon limitation of film.

But still preserves the beauty of the process.

Sure, color is more difficult, but also so different it is work to switch between the two, being a good color photographer doesn't make you a good black and white photographer and just applying an action to make it black and white doesn't make for a great photo.

my cousin had a family portrait session, i'm not sure who make the clothing selection or the location selection but i saw the black and white shot first and thought it was odd looking, then saw the color, even weirder. 

I got sick for real last week. Not covid, well, i tested negative and the symptoms are more RSV/Rhinovirus than Sars-Cov2, or influenza. But it still knocked me down for the weekend and now two others in the house finally seem to have gotten it. I'm 90% better, small residual stuffiness but okay. Hopefully able to ride this weekend.

Also have been just ramping things up and up and up. Dramatic drop in social media time and the odd spare moments i've been working in photoshop or other aspects of the film project.

Still have to decide what film to get, maybe this is the sign to move to JCH stuff just for the hell of it. But lemme say, as quickly as using the film quenched the flames of desire for a Leica monochrome, this latest announcement from Pentax/Ricoh has dumped some gasoline on it. Part of it might be the increasing use of the SLR. That process, the viewfinder... all that. A phone is just an automatic range finder without a view finder in many ways. I like this SLR process to be honest.

But who knows, I should get a road bike before a camera, but flying with film is cumbersome and tedious and x-rays and scanners are sometimes not friendly to the emulsion and digital cloud backups can happen anywhere.

Life is short, what's your passion, and why does it matter to fully chase it? Or does it matter? Is chasing it a pure position of privilege? Or one of escape?

Who knows. I had planned to go to ship street right after lunch, then go home. Got part way through this, and with a handful of other stuff, made it back up here after all. And still, there's a possibility of heading home sooner than later.

Okay commence video link dump.
have a great weekend and sorry for being erratic and eccentric and just fucking weird

Heddwch
G

And this one so...  Hey

Also, aren't Embargos amazing? Such coorindated launch of media

(it also shoots video)

been crazy

 like extra extra EXTRA

at least I had a really good smackdown ride before all the wheels fell off and I crashed and burned.

feels like a relapse of january but different. about 2am I started getting a fuckton of stuff in my throat,  not my nose. No fever, just thickness and junk. Negative rapid so it is something else. Really had hoped I'd have been able to muscle through. But yeah that didn't work.

Plans to take today off failed, had to get up early and rush through the morning, then absolute non-stop endless stuff until 5. then rode home, fortunately there was a tailwind, not sure I'd have managed to push through with a headwind. 

Planned to head to gansett, then over to see steve's opening in westerly, and then planned to go back to gansett tomorrow but i think that's off the table, I need to rest. maybe just watch some TV, eat all the food and attempt to recover.

before the insanity starts again bright and early on Monday.

Kind of thinking of loading up the last roll in the Pentax with the 85mm lens for Easter. Photos of everyone, fuck it - who better to subject to the torture of photographing them than family? The photos I shot at Dirt Church are pretty okay IMHO, really digging the octagon shape the light flair takes on.

I DL'd it from FB to post here:

Figuring this whole photo thing out all over again. But different this time. very. different.

okay now i'm going to try and sleep and hope to rest, may the extended release mucus stuff work to help me sleep tonight.

heddwch
G

don't worry

This played just before walking out the door to Smackdown 2.0.  A new route and same old people.

B-group was the smallest and that was okay. It looks like the A group splintered but hey, not my zoo, not my monkeys.

Was whistling that tune as the ride started, and occasionally through it.

Ride was better but my HR was about 10 beats lower at max efforts than last week. I slept a little better but still really tired. 

Less stress w/o teaching this week. Not sure it would have been more restful in the PacNW but I am taking the next couple days off.

will try and rest.

don't worry, be happy, but dig in to the lyrics - stay positive even in the face of troubles... aka

AMOR FATI MOTHERFUCKERS

and the Robin Williams being in there did drive a bit of a spike into my heart and got me sad thinking about how he chose to leave.

But then I suppose choosing how and when we're finished is not the worst thing, certainly is better than having someone else choose for you.

Such is life and death and this crazy existance.

be well

heddwch
G

Clawing back

 Wednesday was rough. One of my worst physically and mentally. Not painful just impossibly difficult. Managed to survive, made it home, even made a quick dinner. 

Slept but not all that well. but better and last night was better than that one

Deep rabbit hole about headsets and bikes and thinking about the Paramount and the possibility of taking a vacation that's just me to the desert southwest, ride the places around where my dad was, visit my step mother. But when? Is that even possible? How? Weird dreams anyway. Then them merged into another one with someone from the past and someone from the current and it was just weird. 

Also weird that I remember them. Tired of being wide awake at 5am and then falling back asleep before I can think about just getting out of bed only to then be groggy and sound asleep when my alarm goes off. 

I had sold two art prints. First in a long time. Need to get back at that. Or something like that.

Maybe I can work out a production/shipping deal with my printer. Deal with that when I have time. After my vacation.

Next week was going to be a vacation. was going to go to seattle. And of course I just checked for travel this coming week. Flights are all way cheaper than when I looked a while back. Damnit. oh well.

I'll get a vacation some day. 

Maybe.

But at least it feels a touch better and survivable today.

Still fucking crazy. Not sure what the hell the weekend will bring. 

Brought food for a post am commute snack, lunch and pre-ride afternoon snack. Ate everything at once at lunch (late). oops.

24HOGG fees go up on April 1st. Not a ton, have to decide if the increase is worth the uncertainty. But man do I like that event. The one race I'm pretty good at. Got thinking about the Domarski 6hr thing. Maybe/ have to see what the schedule is like. Stuff is weird lately.

It has been a rough week. It is Friday. Now what? not sure, but hopefully I still manage to fit in Dirt Church this weekend.

Who knows who with or where I'll be riding this weekend. maybe just back to the old haunt for a change...

Dunno.

Okay now I'm tired, slowed down enough that the intangible energy of purpose and immediate threat has dissipated and I'm sitting here kind of...  wiped the fuck out.

Shocking.

y'all be smart, don't be like gewilli, get some rest, have fun, don't work too hard

heddwch
G

burried

 and frustrated and overwhelmed

again

Flat out

 Hit the wall yesterday.

Couldn't figure out why. 

then

remembered...

time change

right

Blink

 another couple days, a week, what? blink and a month has passed, blink again and it will be April, next blink and it will be December.

what is happening, why is everything so piled on and crazy and busy and why can't the pace be manageable and chill and relaxed?

SQUIRREL

 sorry - been doing the whole film thing, scanning and posting and blah blah blah - IG is the place to be for most of it.

Found some old gems, developed a roll of film with a few frames from the 12 hours of Pando in '96 or '97 I took of my 2 man teammate. 

Also found the russian panoramic camera roll...

Throwback

Maybe have words to add more later.

We'll see.

Also def transitioning away from twitter - moving to Mastadon so if you are on that platform HMU you can probably guess what my username is there.

heddwch
G

one way to slow down the shoveling

 the shoveling of food into my mouth.

Make it so spicy that even *I* have to take a break.

There was one large habanero left in the fridge, so i chopped it all up and put it in the 2 cups of rice and beans and make a taco salad with some mixed greens and cheese. Holy shit this was a SPICY one. 

What a week. Long week, short week, long weekend first? Tuesday night after four days off and two days of actually getting stuff done at home finally. I really just wanted to keep going with the projects at home that haven't gotten done because I haven't been home in years. With time and energy to do anything. That last part is important. Two days on the weekend aren't enough esp when you try to fit in a MTB ride, weekly grocery shopping and maybe races or bike shop work. But a couple days AFTER doing that? Prime time to actually do something. So I did.

Bike room was sorted and organized a little more on Monday since the weather was nice and I could take everything out. There are a lot of bikes in that damn tiny space. And it seems I have quite the collection of tubeless tires. Mostly 'gravel' CX. but yeah what to expect. I do also have a lot of really nice NOS 'vintage' 26" MTB tires. And well used but not dead CX tires (not tubeless). I did finally toss out the tires I was saving as a 'just in case' or 'i'll use this to line a larger tire' well work and dead but not blown up.

Tuesday was more of an organizational, evaluation day. Went through a bunch of stuff. Sorted and organized and cleaned. Still between both days the recycling AND garbage bins are full. Not the worst thing, more to do though. Much more to do.

Found a few more developing tanks. One double roll tank, so there's there. no more waiting for the fancy plastic peterson to dry before processing another roll of film.

Finally working through this last roll of expired TMax 400. 17 shots done. A handful more to go. Will be interesting to see how the exposures are w/o a working light meter. Maybe not the worst thing. Perhaps it is a good experiment to go through and really learn the feeling for what the f-stop and shutter speeds need to be.  Although this roll is not going to help, next few rolls are 100 or 200 speed (finer grain).

I did see this last night and reading it was pretty much precisely why I loved Tech Pan film. Miss that stuff.

This TMax400 has such a large grain size, but could be also the expired not kept cold part of it. Either way I don't hate this grain, and people like it but it still doesn't quite feel like me. But maybe I'll come back to it. We'll see.

It is a process.

Like life.

Did a long exposure last night and then a daylight one. Looking forward to seeing the scene in two different ways.

Now trying to psyc myself up to be awake enough after lunch (nice mellow low key burn in my mouth, so good) to do what needs to be done.

1pm meetings are some of the most difficult. Coffee and rally. 

heddwch
G

developing

 Finally got the OM-10 film developed. Threw a handful up on a few places. 
getting that roll developed sort of flipped the switch, felt so much better, dunno if it is the process or just unrelated to everything else. 

But man i'm tired, this has been a long week...  riding hard and long on Saturday and Sunday is tough for this old man. Well old is all relative but I'm relatively old compared to how old I used to be. So fuck it.

Took some more photos with the Pentax this morning on the way in.

A couple I'm excited to see. Some stuff I should have held off sharing the digital version.

Shooting a bit with the 28mm on the Pentax, def like that field of view, but that 50 on there is pretty special. Although it isn't a great lens for bright light and fast film. F 16 is all it stops down to. 
Also 1.8 lenses have an insanely narrow depth of field. I kind of forgot about that. You gotta focus that shit precisely .

And while not having the meter isn't the end of the world I really need to get a battery for it. Would speed up the photo process. 

Here's a song for ya today.

I'm gonna head home, looks like I'll beat the rain.

heddwch
G

Link Dump

 First pile have been accumulating on the phone. 

To read, or if already read to save and share later, like here...

Not going to add much commentary if any, just paste and move on

https://everythingchanges.us/blog/no-one-is-non-technical/

https://theclimbingcyclist.com/the-end-of-an-era/

https://thetrek.co/appalachian-trail/siblings-on-the-at-54-miles-of-shenandoah-national-park-in-december/

https://scitechdaily.com/100-year-old-paleontology-mystery-solved-yale-scientists-uncover-how-ancient-plants-adapted-to-land/

https://www.mysportscience.com/post/excessive-exercise-training-affects-performance-mitochondrial-function-glucose-tolerance

https://www.newyorker.com/culture/annals-of-inquiry/a-philosophy-professors-final-class

https://petapixel.com/2023/01/21/how-to-develop-bw-film-at-home-a-simple-guide-for-mere-mortals/

https://www.wired.com/story/tiktok-platforms-cory-doctorow/

https://www.treetopbarn.com/buildblog/2023/1/31/what-are-you-even-talking-about-the-aixam-mega-desert-thats-what

A little late for this one, guess maybe I should look at these pages more often
https://www.fromthegroundup.bike/

This is for all the women out there - if you aren't one then share it with someone you know that would get a kick out of it
https://libbabray.wordpress.com/2017/02/08/womanifesto/

That's it from the phone...

here's two i left open from this morning:
https://leica-camera.blog/2012/11/30/marc-babej-pursuing-art-for-arts-sake-part-1/

https://leica-camera.blog/2012/12/10/marc-erwin-babej-creating-images-that-engage-and-expand-the-viewers-consciousness-part-2/

minor house cleaning but hey - it is a start.

I wonder how long it will take for all these links to die...

heddwch

G

the internet is dying

Or why should we persist in these types of spaces?

Is there still a place for user generated content and unique web addresses?

Seems odd, but now content is coordinated with large social media aggregators. You toob, Tick tock, insta, book face, and the array of fresh places like post, countersocial, spoutible, mstdn, vero...  and then the og of og social stuff, forums and listservers.

Content made and shared there, it isn't really yours but it makes it easier for hosting and finding, sure, and then all the algorithms can direct you to new stuff or direct you to stuff similar to what you want to see but paid for by adjacent creators. 

We blogs the OG social media? Maybe. But they weren't really even all of it. Plenty of people had their own page and did their own thing with it. blogging platforms just made that easy. 

This contemplation brought on by getting here SUPER early today, being really productive but then finding that in between space. That point where you normally would stop for lunch but it is an hour earlier than lunch and if you eat then you'll never make it through the day so you delay. And today I opened up some old folders of bookmarks. So. Many. Dead. Links. So. Many. Kind of surprising though, there were lots of sleeping, static, lost or forgotten or just hanging on for some reason, frozen in the moment of last creation, 2008, 2013 or whenever. 

Found some great content, some stuff to re-read. Didn't go through and delete anything yet or clean it up, or re-organize. I did read some of it. Left a few tabs open to come back to. 

And then I opened this up.

It was a great morning ride in, warm, already in the 50s by the time I got on the bike just after 7. over 60 right now. 

This morning would have been the absolutely fabulous perfect sit on the porch and drink coffee and chat and hang out. I just don't have a porch or someone with the time to do that with. I certainly didn't have the time this morning. But I did make time to snap a few photos of three deer that were hanging out near the bike path and walked past me. It was cool. 

I had stopped to get a black and white film photo of the tire and foot prints on the wet surface of the bike path. A documentation of who had ridden past that spot in the morning. And while I got the camera out and the lens cap off they walked out onto the path. I think I got a good shot of one of the deer on the path. We'll see when I develop and scan the next roll. Should be soon.

One rabbit hole I dove down was trying to identify that Lens that got away, the one I saw in a used camera store in Seattle in the early 90s. A perfect condition M42 screwmount Zeiss ~20mm lens. A fisheye almost but with nearly no distortion. I think I found it today, found one in Ukraine being sold for almost $1000. A few others here and there all expensive, the nicest Pentax ones are also very expensive. Wish I had bought it, my up until 2005 self always regretted not getting it, and now my 2023 self is just as mad if not more so. So far I haven't really shot anything with a wide angle lens. Although the yashica has the zoom on there. wider for sure than the 50 on the Canon and the Olympus. 

Once this roll is done I'll see if I can jam the LR44 into that weird battery holder on the Pentax and blast through one more roll of Tmax400 before deciding which camera to shoot the Arista.EDU film in first.

Hey look at the time. 

Eating.

Food.

heddwch

G

What a weekend

 Satuday was exhausting. Not because of the cold.

Just, completely non-stop, all out, moments of absolute intensity, and just left me wiped out. Didn't even ride.

Sunday got up early, got some coffee in me, packed the Top Fuel, ate an old bagel with some butter on it, headed to world's watch party, drank more coffee, hung out with friends, watched the race, then headed off to Big River. Chased Donny, Betty, Noah and Colin along with Syl. They were hammering and I think i was a bit underfueled, tired and just slightly off, but those four are all really fast and young and yeah. Only saving grace was when we hit the technical stuff, I was able to easily, very easily keep up, was at least some level of positive take away from it all. Could have probably eaten more before hand, i did snack on some expired cliff blocks during the ride. Ate a lot the night before so that was good to burn through some of that fuel. wasn't a total waste but it was tough. Syl and I missed one of their turns after a bit of a climb (no surprise) and we just turned around and headed back. Got enough pedaling in. I was so smoked the rest of the day.

Still pretty tired. Having to get ready to teach, so instead of making sure everything's ready I'm sitting here. 

The ride was crazy, we got insanely hot mid-way through, then it started to cool off again. What a change from the day before. Or the ride home on Friday.

Need to probably shift back to full speed mode.

Going to leave this here because it is so visually spectacular... this planet is crazy and amazing and gorgeous.

heddwch
g

Leveling off?

 Maybe, hard to tell what altitude... not crashed on the ground, not soaring over the clouds in perpetual sunlight.

Scanned the rest of the negatives. 

There's a bunch getting posted all over the place. 

Some photos I really like. Some just feel like just not quite there. can't tell if it is the film, the camera, the processing, or what. But on the whole, there's a huge satisfaction and beauty that isn't found in the crisp digital super shots. 

capturing the photons in silver vs silicon. 

So magnificently different.

Funk

 It shouldn't be. Heck class starts today.

But have been trying to shoulder through it, one foot in front of the other, and STILL not through it.

Still.

Even got out for Dirt Church, but then of course that was not as planned. Unexplained flat front on the Top Fuel. Put air in but didn't trust it and the dropper needs service and the shock mount bushings are in need of replacement. So I rode the singlespeed with the wrong tires for this time of year and it was hard. 

Developed film friday night and saturday morning. Went to the friends and family opening with K, then shopping then home and i don't remember. just out of sorts.

And now I have to get ready to teach, so much to do, but not much different head space than the end of the week.

Not good.

Lots to do.

Best get at it.

But pausing here first

not sure why... too much, but at the same time facility use is way down right now and that's bothering me too, so many things bugging me, nagging, nibbling, gnawing, eroding, but in the shadows very insidious.

Some how have to shift into the next gear, I never managed to master shifting w/o the clutch, never could figure that out and I need some more RPMs but I'm stuck in this. Kind of like riding behind out of shape and slow geared riders on a tallish singlespeed. It just doesn't work. 

fuck,

at least i don't have a choice, have to do all this shit...

best get started

heddwch

G

two rolls down

 Posting some other shots on IG (sidebar on browser i think still). 

Just finished the second roll of TMax400. Did something really dumb this morning, bright sunlight, i slowed it down trying to play with a bit of depth of field, when I should have gone the other way. Idiot. First moment of what was I thinking. Should be a few interesting or way overexposed frames. 

Time to move on to the Leica, but first maybe process these two rolls.

I did carve out a little time to get on the SEM yesterday. Put a few tiny sand dollars in there, found some cool stuff, maybe got a few cool photos, need to work on them but it has been a struggle this end of the week.

Like just a flat out struggle, kind of have hit the holy shit so much to do i'm overwhelmed and getting only the barest most critical shit done and staring at the rest of it wondering where to start. Haven't had this issue in a while. 

Thought I had something to say, guess just that even given all the good shit around lately, the positive movement and stuff happening I'm in a mental rut. I am bothered a bit by the low use in the facility, not sure why so many systems aren't getting a lot of use, stuff is STILL not back to pre-pandemic levels and I don't really like it, it is a concern. but not really, because I'm not high enough up in the bureaucracy to really be impacted. I hope. One can never tell though. 

part of me is a deliberate but maybe unconscious pause before next week, self protection mechanism, before all hell breaks loose and there's no time to get paralyzed by what to do next because EVERYTHING becomes holyshit get that done yesterday. And that's exhausting.

And my sinuses are still not 100%, but my ears are mostly clear.

And the bike? Yeah The crockett doesn't create the pain at night, on the Black Blue because that oddly seems to be the best, even though it is kind of too small for me. I keep thinking about getting the White blue set up with full fenders as a geared Rain bike. It is sitting on a trainer just being in the way in the basement at the moment but then there is no room in the bike room for it now anyway. Need some major overhauling of space in there. At some point. 

Add it to the list.

Winter might get here next week. Maybe I'll start wearing something other than thin wool gloves. 

maybe.

Ah well.

Not the most positive post to end the week with. But hey, life ain't always bubble gum and lolly pops, or weed and whites. Not that I'm a fan of any of those four things.

Gonna make up some XTOL developer, send some emails, sort out a few other issues, make a better plan for Monday, maybe just try and leave early for the hell of it. Esp if I'm sitting like this...

But tomorrow is saturday. Take a day off, Sunday will hopefully hit the trails on the MTB. 

And Monday the crazy starts. 

heddwch
G

Storm coming

 But mostly rain.

Honestly digging all this rain. 

Except for the part of riding the rain bike messing up my left butt.

weird. Rode the Crockett, still covered in Hartford mud and clay. Need to resolve that. Need to put gears on there too, maybe road tires? Maybe?

Lots to do, lots to work on.

And the film shit showed up and now it is time to get my ass in gear, but not force it too much.

Photos...  photos of what? People? Trees? landscapes? Not sure, but I've always been more of a landscape photo person, but then, it isn't much different than street photography. Shot a couple frames that are solid street, but with a cool tree.

I'm finding I shoot with just one camera, I don't think to shoot with the phone camera and the film camera, one, or the other. Strange? Maybe. Keeps the moment unique, no crossover means no comparison and remember kids, comparison is the thief of joy.

Take care of yourself...

be kind, you don't have to be nice, but you do need to be kind, being nice but not kind is the worst.

heddwch

G

lets jump back to bikes for a minute

 With this... still wiping tears from my eyes...

That ending scene with his dad, wishing I had a moment like that with mine. Hoping to share a moment like that with my children perhaps. 

The dichotomy of GeWilli, doing everything so much always je suis seul

Is that the legacy of my existance... seul... 

Perhaps it is, but of course there is the schism within that wants anything but that, clash of opposites.

The battery tweak didn't work for more than one photo on the ride in. Went to grab a second and it shifted and didn't work. 

Fixed it now perhaps, perhaps I leave soon and capture some of the evening light, perhaps.

My butt still hurt last night, from the bike, just the left side, feels fine now, and wasn't as bad through the night but it wasn't great. Dry so I took the Black Blue, perhaps that will sort things out. 

We'll see tomorrow. Maybe my body got used to not riding. This isn't a great development, but perhaps one to work on solving, as I work on moving forward. 

Mike Foley died yesterday it seems. Sudden and unexpected heart attack. Such a force, such a crazy but always smiling person. Met him in person back in 2010, maybe before, but def then. I thought there were photos of us, but no just a photo he took of me. 

He posted something a few days ago that really struck a chord, so good, so on point...  and I'm glad he was at least at the 5/6 mark. I want to guess that you can't do better than that, and just getting there is a huge achievement of perspective. 

Going to try and add it in here as an image because his account is locked up...  and I feel pretty honored to have been let into his private space, that he was willing to share it all with me. haven't seen him, like so many, for so long. 

Life, ah this brief and crazy temporal existence.

Heddwch
G

film

Dammit. Both the Pentax and The Leica R3 have film. The Leica is set for ASA/EI of 50, means it probably has the Tech pan film. Of which I've been reading about tonight since finding that out, it's annoying to process and it's worked for me because I've always used D-19. Don't think you can get that anymore. And besides I already ordered the worst developer for the film. I think maybe I cut losses and wind the film back up and save it for when I go with a different developer. 

But first I'm going to shoot a roll of the TMax 400 (at 400) on the Canon AE -1. It also has film on it. Really old color. ASA set to 200 but it's a roll of 100 and everyone's pretty sure the camera back was opened. Probably should toss the film. I'm don't want to play with color, yet.

But new batteries in the Leica and cleaned up and ready. Then finally camera 4 (how and more importantly why do I have four old mostly manual, film cameras?

The Yashica at least has a 28-85 macro zoom, pretty cool actually. The Leica only has a macro 50/2.8, the Canon a 50/1.8 and a cheap 80-205/4.5 zoom lens.

Then there's the Pentax. That's really my camera. The go to, the one with the array of great lenses and a shitty zoom of course. 

I mean there is the busted Olympus OM-10. Something mechanically is wrong with it. Guessing it's lens won't work with any of these. The Canon is the most automatic. The Leica can do some of the same but the Yashica and the Pentax are light meter only, and I only really ever shot the Leica I'm manual mode. 

But there's new film coming, compatible with the developer I bought, and the TMax works with this developer. 

Oh and the PENTAX also has film in it. 200ASA/ISO/EI so who knows what the fuck film is in there. Or from when. Or what is on those first 14 frames.  But since it is not at 50 it probably isn't tech pan.

And why? What am I doing? Taking photos, with film. For what purpose?

I think maybe to just get back to the art of it. Make each photo more precious?

We'll see.

Maybe the snow will help with the inspiration and photos.

And hopefully the path will be clear and I've free tomorrow.

Heddwch

G

Riding bikes and taking photos

 

And listening to music and dealing with teaching and helping take photos of the tiniest shit.

Life. 

I keep forgetting to send KF a text about his snow photos, a smart ass comment along the lines of snow always looks good in black and white - no blue tint... but then I forget and like maybe I should just text now but posting here feels more meta.

Took a few more shots this morning. Roll almost gone. Had idea that I shoot the next two rolls of the TMax on different cameras. The Cannon maybe next? Then either the Leica or the Spotmatic. But kind of thinking maybe saving the Spot for the new film. Because why not? I don't know.

Maybe we'll actually get some snow and I can go out and get a few high contrast structure photos to end the roll.

Chemicals are on the way. Will need to truck home some DI water for the rinse and for making up the chemicals. Went through the "where do I order it all from" that penis shape prime place actually had almost nothing in stock or at crazy prices. Then looked at Adorama and that place was out of stock on a few things and exactly the same price as B&H and well that last one had it all and that's enough for me. Probably didn't need to order 100 neg sleeves but they were only a few bucks more $ than 25 sleeves. Probably should have just gotten 25 but my daddy taught me to always look at the unit price. or something. Also, I kind of hope that I will maybe shoot that many. Just have to watch the bottom line. Shit might get expensive. Threw a few rolls of film on there, the least expensive. I do want to try that CineStillXX stuff and the Illfod PanF and the JCH film, but they are all boutique, aka expensive. HP5+ seems pretty popular, likely for a good reason, but I can't shake my TechPan affinity. 

I guess I should really find a mirror (that isn't a bathroom) to shoot the photographer selfie with the film thing before this roll runs out on the Yashica. 

Rode bikes Sunday. Hit the dirt! For a good long ride. That of course the wahoo died on.

Of course.

But friday and saturday night I was woken up with that dreaded pain in the left butt. Seat height. Right? I wrote about it here and then said I'd remember if I wrote about it but now I'm still doubting but hopefully fixing. 

I knew that something was not quite right on the Surly and up until last week I had been okay riding it once or at most twice a week, basically only if it was going to be wet. It has basically been wet every day almost and well, I've been on the Surly and well i've got that pain in the ass that doesn't show up until I'm sleeping and in the morning. Goes away all day until sleeping. But only happens if I'm on a bike with too high of a seatpost I guess. Different than too far forward of a saddle/seat angle. Also different than cranks that are too short. 

Surly saddle was 6mm high vs Crockett and so, I dropped it this morning. Now kind of want to check the top fuel because of the long ride on Sunday on that. Maybe too tall? STILL? Also need to service the Dropper. There's some stiction in the mech and it would be nice if it was all smooth again. 

Ride was good, but I still am missing a good bit of punch. That said the nearly 3 hours of riding actually felt pretty good, not bad. Wish I was faster and the hills hurt but the duration was managable. So that's not the worst.

My ears are getting better, haven't taken any of the OTC stuff since the PE on sunday AM. 

Kind of mind blowing that classes start again next week. Gotta a lot to prepare for. 

Need to remember to bring the one 1.5mm wrench home that I can put my hands on easily to get the pump battery swapped but it gave me the chance to use the Tubi 2 stage as a pump and I have to say - i really like it. Half thinking about putting the tubi pump head on the digital pump. That or putting it on a valved inflator for the compressor.

Maybe bring it to the shop.

Really wanted to ride on the Road Saturday but man I can't do 7 days in a row and MTB > road. Gonna need to take a mental health day mid-week soon, if the weather cooperates and we aren't about ready to get into 6 weeks of snow and shit.

Okay now that I've reached the rambling phase it is time to stop. Fingers crossed the pain is gone tonight and the tweak to the position works.

Heddwch
G

And it begins

 

So, yeah. I loaded up a roll of film. Still haven't sorted a battery for the Nikon 6006, or the Canon AE-1 or my old faithful Pentax Spotmatic. But the Yashika that hitchhiked back from VA with me takes those 44 batteries. Ideally the SR but Dollar Tree only has the LR44, alkaline is fine. At that price esp. Needed batteries for the Topeak pump anyway.

Loaded the roll of expired TMax 400 up in there. Might be slightly overexposing with the light meter, but hopefully not too much. The phone app is showing it a stop too bright. BUT hopefully that's fine. I don't really want to pull process anything yet. But I guess if it consistently one direction I can do that. Or just tweak the ISO rating so the spot meter works better (it is center weighted only and may not be super reliable). 

But it has been fun to get back into it. Except now I will need to process it soon and for that I need chemicals and for that I need to get off my butt and order stuff, or buy stuff, or use some of a former student's chemicals in his darkroom that he set up after taking my class and getting hooked on black and white photography. I really don't want to mail this stuff in, and I do kind of want to just be able to process it myself when I'm done with the roll. Don't want to wait the weeks it takes to mail in the film. Although maybe I should do the mail in thing with a service that also scans the images.

SO MANY OPTIONS. And then what's next for the film? What film do I try after these rolls.  Or do I try and fire up one of the other cameras? WHO KNOWS. But it is good and the contemplating processing and chemicals has been good. Although it reminds me it has been 17.5 years since I've been in a darkroom/played with chemicals. Damn it has been a long time. 

But I have most all the stuff I need to do the processing. I've got an ancient old Minolta film scanner, might even have an old computer that will work. Not the best resolution but it should be good enough to scan and post (until I take the next step and start printing). Yes I have the enlarger and everything. 

Shooting the last two days I've more or less just taken the standard shots on the commute. I did manage to do something I've never done before. Lose a lens cap. I've had a track record going back to my first camera of never losing a lens cap. 

So it was kind of funny.  I thought the cap just was in my backpack when I pulled it out of the back with not lens cap. It is one of those that easily gets knocked off. So NBD. Got to work, looked through the bag, no cap. WTF? I laughed. And thought 'it figures, first time using it, lose it' and then riding home, in the dark, in the rain I stopped at the 3rd photo location, and where I first noticed it missing, and looked all over with the headlight. Nope. Not there. Rode down to the 2nd stop. Started looking around, nope, and then I noticed something very regularly shaped in the grass, and black, and there i was, sitting waiting for me to find it.

I have the cap now. 

And still a few shots left before the end of the roll. Trying to be conservative with the photos, but also kind of want to just shoot the whole damn thing and process right away. But not having chemicals is helping with the patience thing and pacing and and all that.

Also, Breck Epic. SO WANT TO DO THAT RACE. See also Transylvania Epic. But man those are pricey. Maybe next year.

8 months of kid at home then the youngest is off to her dream college. Maybe things will open up after all that.

Now that I'm finally old and shit. Just another old guy trying to do shit he never was able to do in his prime. Such is life eh?

Tomorrow is also the 18th anniversary of me calling the boss here at the current job and talking about it before actually getting it. First contact. And here I am still at this place. Doesn't pay well but how does the joke go, there are good benefits? I also like what I do, even if it gets stressful sometimes. Just kind of wish we still had a darkroom but fuck, everything is digital. And yeah, maybe I just better get a digital black and white camera, film is just so... film. 

But man did I really like it at one point. So many home made pinhole cameras. So many negatives somewhere. 

Bikes, might not get out on the bike tomorrow, might need a day off. Maybe my ear will clear up and I'll be able to hear too. Who knows.

It has been a week, craziest 4 day work week all year!

heddwch
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Double dose

 Did I mention I've been on a bit of a Stromae kick? Sure, I've heard the dance anthem a billion times, why? BECAUSE IT IS SO GOOD ( Alors on danse) I'm sure you have too.

The latest stuff is also magic, but the old stuff is still absolutely gold.

This one prompted me to share it. Document. And DAMN IF IT AINT ALL THAT!

More so now that that other guy has taken over the show. WOW what a mess.

 

Also, the whole reading other blog posts: Jill's latest hit me pretty solidly in the feelings. Read it and I'm sure you'll make the connection. Funny that I saw that just as Alex's latest O offering rolled out on the promo bus

And man my ears are ringing and full of cotton. I can hear the music just fine but not anyone talking at me from outside the office. They pop and crackle a bit but just don't want to clear out, no matter how many fluids I drink or what I do. Might be time to try a different OTC med to clear it. 

gratitude. for the bloggers out there still blogging, the genuine ones. Like Jill and Stevil, even Janice who's been somewhat regular web logger. I love listening to music on the youtubes, and listening to audio books, yet I can't get into audiobooks, and in the same page I love reading what people have written, real stuff, but still don't mind consuming the micro blogs that twitter and visuals IG happen. Not sure that makes sense. 

Felt right writing it but hey who knows. Def not getting the effortless prose you find at Jill's or the carefully crafted mix of news, feelings and promo and cool shit at Stevil's. 

Such is life.

heddwch
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reading other blogs makes me remember

 Things that happened that I meant to get down but didn't because I forgot until I read their post.

It would be so much better if everyone was blogging like it was 2008.

Or maybe not. Would certainly change the digital landscape. 

And remember. Jeopardy isn't just a know your answers show, it is a beat two other people with your fast fingers AND know the answer. You might be able to run every category but if you don't ring in first, you won't get that chance.

It was Stevil's post that derailed the train of work. I had it open from much earlier today. Saw that he had posted the link, clicked on it. Let it fester while work got up to speed and in a tiny lull, instead of sending an email, I read it. And here I am. I totally forgot about the hypnosis part of office space, arguably the most critical part and I forgot it. https://allhailtheblackmarket.com/2023/01/life-is-funny/ 

What hit me, was the realization that last night i wasn't falling asleep wondering if I was going to wake up. Haven't since coming home from 'home' in Seattle. 

On the flight we had some absolutely brutal turbulance. Of course it hit just after the drinks and snacks were handed out so suddenly soda was flying and half eaten bags of pretzels were airborne the flight attendant was tossed and he wound up sitting in an empty seat bracing the drink cart hard as we were on some insanely violent ride. 

And I thought, if this is it, well, this is it, I'm okay with that. Sure, there's pretty much never been a plane taken out by turbulent air, I know that. These planes are designed to withstand shit that would scare the crap out of the most stoic passenger. And yeah the pilots don't want to die any more than any of the helpless passengers (usually, hijacking aside). So logically it isn't a big deal. And I KNOW I'm taunting the demons and precariously bringing back the previous state of mind saying this, but since that, that weird moment of calm, I've been much better about that whole death thing. The realization that, much like I posted on my birthday when i turned 50. This is it. There is nothing else. 

Kind of a little bit too deep of a thought maybe. And I'll keep tracking it a bit, but that moment on the plane, a kind of weird hypnotic peace kind of fell over me. 

And it isn't bad.

Hey maybe it is finally feeling a little more rested. Being sick and unable to do much isn't the worst for recovery, but I have slipped a long way. I felt not bad riding with Betty on the 30th, but riding with Syl yesterday, I definitely felt the loss of fitness. 

As I said on the strava comment, I'm looking forward to the riding it will take to rebuilt the fitness lost during the sickness. 

Because it is going to take a LOT.

Okay, back to the grind, coming in a bit later may not have helped my cause of being productive but it was helpful mentally. It was a really nice ride in. Quiet, smooth, pretty much no one else out there. No one going my direction at any speed.

have a fabulous day

heddwch
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Sunday, wait it is Monday evening thoughts

Got out on the bike. On the MTB. Syl agreed to join me and we got there after driving over in rain. The rain had mostly turned to snow but the time we started and the trails were still frozen enough to not be muddy.

Felt good to be on the bike.

Feeling better. Ears still clogged, still a little sinus garbage, but really sleeping almost normally (going to bed hyper hydrated not withstanding). 

I have been to work one day this year. And honestly it is pretty nice. The being sick part, not so much. But this all means I've got basically zero time to get about a months worth of work done in a week and a half. And for some reason, I'm not worried about it at all. 

Saw this, good reminder. It's something that I've incorporated pretty effectively but it's nice to see what my standard procedure has become wired down so well. 

https://medium.com/@chrismayhew/what-to-do-when-you-cant-do-what-you-normally-do-6a3168898753

More of a full post sometime. We'll see when. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. 

G

made it in

 in the drizzle a bit, 

ride was fine. no big deal. 

but i'm def still pretty f'n tired. 

two nights of sleep doesn't really quite make up for 10+ days of exhaustion. Yeah, sounds funny coming from the guy who stays up for days at a time racing bikes. But two, three days, even four or five is one thing. Throw in a week, illness and fuck, this shit is beyond me. 

Kind of wish I had a couch in my office, or maybe even a hammock. If I thought a wall anchor would support the end of it with me in it, I might have one up now. But pretty sure these aluminum stud walls with thin rock on it won't, would need more than just the stud to anchor in to. 

Listened to this a minute ago...  

The interview... there's a few ND traits showing up there, I haven't always been a Tom Waits fan, and some stuff I like more than others but I respect the holy hell out of him and what he's done. 

Also made me wonder about Diner griddles, are they gas like the grills? Probably eh? Kind of funny watching the flak fly. Accidentally waded in to the fray w/o understanding what was building and releasing. 

File gas appliances along with guns, both of which you'll have to pry out of "cold dead hands" it seems.

Never woulda thunk it... although basically anything that the one party starts trying to phase out for the good of people/planet/whatever the other claims is essential to life liberty and freedom. Kind of can't wait for them to do this to something so fucking stupid and silly that everyone looks at the CDH group and just walks away ignoring them a bridge too far on their false outrage.

What do to, what to do.

This was really good:
https://youtu.be/D30Z0OToWgI

And in much much less good news, if you have missed it and feel like helping literally the best human (ask anyone who has met him) the most gentle, kind, generous soul there is, click through and send him a few bucks. It will help.

https://gofund.me/4a06281c

Dave gave us a guest lead from Firefly, I forget if it was coincidence or on purpose but he got us from the old place and out of the city and headed to Zanc's shop cleanly. Much more cleanly than would have been possible. I was using Jack (from Legend's) fancy big mapping Garmin, loaned for the occasion. Reading through this was pretty funny.

Another time I rode into Boston, one of my Birthday rides IIRC. I forgot that Goldberg was there, and all the crazy shit we did that day. And I TOTALLY had no memory of busting a spoke or that Wilcox actually replaced the spoke at BBS. He's truly a legend.

Final archive link: http://www.gewilli.com/2011/04/postmortem.html some wilcox content there too

I'm probably heading home early. Tired. Def need to get more hydration in me here, congestion isn't worse but isn't getting better. 

Maybe I'll take tomorrow off just because I can... and still need the rest.

we'll see

heddwch
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this is unfamiliar

Can't remember the last time I was this sick. Maybe'18? '17? Maybe not since sober or maybe, definitely nothing from the start of the pandemic till now. Plenty of oh I wonder if I'm sick, nah just tired. Nothing like a raging sinus infection too fuck things up. First by cutting my sleep that I'm already really short of and trying to adjust to a different time zone, do that a few nights in a row and then take a red eye as the congestion worsens. Hey of the plane with no voice. Incapacitated after getting home. Managed to do weekly shopping, tough when I did need to say something yesterday, coughing, nose going from dripping yellow stuff to stuffed up. Throat going from tolerable to painful. Lungs still clear at the moment. Did get some guaifenisen but when that 4hr window rolls around it sucks. They are def helping and I'll feeling kind of marginally better but so tired.

Stayed home from work today. Will again tomorrow at this rate unless I wake up miraculously better. Finally can do this without pushing the return because I'm not alone in the faculty anymore.

Coffee? Went from maybe too much but not sure to oh hello what? At at least 33% less coffee than normal, maybe more. Blessing in disguise? Dunno, is rather have the coffee and this illness.

AND NO BIKE. No pedaling. Maybe that's why I'm falling apart? No energy to get on the bike today. Not at all. Not good. But it makes sense and I'm not worrying about it. 

I mean it could be L's cold thing she got, and it took me until second round of travel to wear everything down enough to let it slip through. It isn't covid tho so that's a relief.

But it still sucks. 

Sinus pressure is less than last night, at the moment. So that's good. But we'll see. Gotta stick it out till 11 when I'm due for the next dose. If watch the college game but no ESPN. So will suffice with swiping a quick post on the phone post shower.

This is strange, I don't like it, but hopefully can come out of it soon... I'd like to get back on the bike and in the woods.

Heddwch

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PacNW visit

 Usually when I'm here this time of the year it is for Yuletide concerts. Me, showing up, staying up immediately until at least midnight and then progressively later, spending hours a day in the car, eating sporadically dealing with sound check and the down time and the set up and pack out and moving on to the next place.

Never time to be here at home. And when I say home I say the place I grew up, my childhood house. Is it home? In the where my home is now? not really. But 'home' is still the best simple descriptor and isn't wrong. It feels good to be here.

But kind of like the last trip, sleep is elusive, in large part to the 3hr time difference and my body wanting to be awake at 3-4 in the morning but not having gone to sleep until 10 or 11pm local time, well...  it is also just so tired that it wants to keep sleeping. And the coffee situation is different, but it is just me drinking it, but gauging how much to make and suddenly it is noon and I've had three french presses made too strong and still feel the need for more coffee.

Time here has been good though. In spite of the exhaustion and the driving the first few days. Yesterday finally we didn't spend hours in the car. Nothing is close here. On the other side there are a big pile of people I really want to see, some I haven't met IRL, most probably busy until I leave. That's the peril of showing up and being here during the work week no where near seattle where everyone seems to live.

But I've seen my brothers, I've played with the babies, I saw my sister's new house. I've walked on trails I've walked around the farm, we've driven way north to look at puppies. Drove across the bridges with full Mt Rainer on display, saw the totally white peak of Mt Baker, saw both the Cascades and the Olympics at the same time. Still no ferry trip. Hopefully tomorrow. Busy day of driving tomorrow but it will be with my mother, get to meet her new cardiologist and drive her around. But together. 

There is this place called banner forest. It was never a thing before I left. Now it is a trail runner mecca and sounds like a few MTBs ride it. It is buff and smooth and all blue and green trails but it is just over a mile away (up and down one of the steeper hills around). Walked there yesterday with my mother, heading over to walk there in a few minutes. 

Last night was the worst night though, wound up with my sinuses packing full and feeling kind of terrible, and felt like i'd wake up, roll over, then the next thing I knew i was waking up and rolling over the other way, endlessly. Feeling better after downing a bunch of water and getting some coffee in and taking it easy. Now just feeling tired. 

It is peaceful here but so far the restful side has been elusive but that's not why I'm here, I'm here to spend time with my mother and stepfather, help a little here and there, but mostly just really spending time together. 

I'm grateful for this chance and this opportunity. I can work on recovering when I get back.

heddwch
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