Some mornings are slower than others

53°F was a bit cold at normal departure time. I am not sure where my knee warmers are, or where the knickers went after I wore them in July. Arm warmers accidentally got taken out of my bag at work on Friday.

So I waited until it warmed up just a touch.

Headed north, into the wind.

this rock caught the corner of my eye, the reflection and the concentric ripples mixing with the waves lapping the shore. The reflection was much bettter from up on the path but needed to get close to capture it, so I turned around, scrambled down to the water's edge and caught a few seconds of it...

a moment of zen (if video doesn't work check the instagram story for the next 24 hr or so)

a driver did a stupid pass and i got angry and asked him what he was doing, and well now he knows what a sharrow means and that the signs that say bikes may use full lane aren't just there to collect stickers and graffiti....  and I forgot about this till now...

moment of zen, revisit, calm,

not working really well honestly

trying to pull myself together...  had a morning cancellation so that's not actually helping either. the little bits of busy work aren't doing a great job of distracting me.

And then the few moments of catching stuff on the social medias it is quad cross, maybe more disturbed that I'm not feeling like I wished I was there.

And yeah, I made a few edits to the late night web log post from last night...  a couple have read it but best to re-read it with a more clear headed edit...

Not that i changed much of anything...

maybe i need to force myself to go sit on the SEM and look at a few samples that I processed last week...  it has been months since I've sat down to do anything Nanoscape related.

maybe today is a good day to start.

heddwch
G

working on the last beer

in the house is probably not the best way to start a blog post,
nor is trying to read through GoT and getting to the part where Robb and his mom are killed and it seems Ary is too?

I dunno, I hate this book more than most any I've read but some how I keep reading it, maybe a cue as to how much I work to try and fit in, that's the couple beer in truth of the matter I suppose. I've always wanted to fit in, always felt excluded...

perils of the introverted extrovert or is it the extroverted introvert, who knows, mostly who cares...

it has been a productive weekend building bikes, i wish there was joy to be found in funding my soon to be shipped bike. But then yesterday instead of racing cross like everyone else I was building a couple Boone 5s and god damn those wheels SUCK (the are what ship with the Crockett I'm getting), holy shit are they heavy.....  fuck....  guess i can ride em for a year until i can afford some Bontrager nice wheels... not these things...  hell i'd build my own with some cheap chinese carbon but, nah, cost more than buying nice shit from the big T.

I'm good but a little not good.

Functional vs internal.

When was the last time I didn't drive up to Maynard to race at Quad cross? WHEN? Fuck I don't want to look at crossresults, libel to make me even more depressed....

Bikes are out of sorts anyway. No knobbies have been ridden since RdR and the RRRR and even then one got flat and the others only made it part of the ride...

CX is happening yet i'm not engaged.

A not insignificant part has seemed to recognize that I gave everything... too much? Yeah I still like it, resonates and Mikey F's comments in Pure Sweet Hell are true, to this day, but, me in the continually giving everything mode accidentally lost my mojo, did it just take a couple years to realize it? or in the years since losing it i've lost it by looking?. That last phrase is most likely true. Once i felt i needed to start looking for it, well it eluded me and has since. Makes sense. I pushed and forced and tried to make it happen,,, and drove the joy away...

my head is a mess,

i'm a mess...

am i ok? yeah i'm fine. I know I am blessed, I'm a lucky knucklehead, and that actually makes it all worse, or if not worse less easy to deal with

but i'll go to bed, won't read any more of this GoT (and to think the guy who wrote Tuff Voyaging wrote this fucking shit?) will just try and sleep and wake up, as I seem to do everyday with optimism, hope and enthusiasm...

I guess it is a good thing that I do really like the work I get paid to do...

tomorrow... new day....

heddwch
G

(yeah, I may read this after coffee in the morning and edit the fuck out of it, but i'm writing this to suggest to myself tomorrow that maybe we leave it as a placeholder to the very temporal state of mind, despite how bias it may be)

(AM note yeah i edited it a little)

Well today didn't go as planned

Build bikes

Change oil in Volvo

Replace kitchen sink faucet

that last one wasn't on the list.

Last night i noticed a pile of water on the floor mid-through dinner.

A dripping off the counter. "Man I must have splashed way more water than I thought"

nope...

oh shit there is puddling under the faucet. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SERVICE THIS? Damnit "must be cheap, can't get handles off can't replace valve seats, damn DPO and disposo stuff"

Wake up, wash all the dishes, look at stuff on options at Home Depot....

Call brother on the way "get a Delta or American Standard, DO NOT get a Pfister (yeah lets not talk about fisting her) or a glacier bay, oh by the way, our dad fell yesterday again, had to call 911, couldn't get up, but he's okay"

Another comment "If you get it installed with one trip to the big orange box store then you're lucky, never has happened before."

Spoiler: ONE TRIP FTW!

Got what I needed, out the door at under $100, used everything I bought, works really well.

Nothing to return no need to go back...

until...  i had the old one out, noticed some etching on the backside, took a bit to decode it, Grohe, hmmm made in Germany...  awe shit....  what did i just do, Fucking Germans, designing shit that you can't fix unless you know the secret double handshake mechanical way they are put together (aka VW ALH TDIs)....  HEY LOOK IT ACTUALLY CAN BE SERVICED AND FIXED.... fuck...

spent an hour waffling between crawling back under the sink and taking it all back apart and returning the faucet and stuff....  then searched for this particular seal (fucking crazy rubber seal, not just a rubber washer and unobtanium on the internets) but you can by the ceramic cartridge for $20-$40....  each, and they were both leaking. And after taking the hot water side out, well that side is scaled up close to 50% of the diameter of the internal plumbing.

Could fix?

yes.

There are elements to this new one I like way more than the old one. And it has lower GPM flow (saves $$) so...  yeah I'll keep the old one, maybe use it for something down the road, It is solid, heavy and the ceramic valve things are cool.

But instead of building bikes and making $$ or getting the oil to do the oil change on the Volvo today, I was a plumber.

But we did make it to the Clam Shack on their last night open in Riverside.

Fish sandwich. Honestly? really fucking good. a bit salty, but i'll just drink some more water.

Had a bit of uncontrolled anxiety, wife texted "landed" then a bit later nothing so I replied "status" and got a "still on the plane" then nothing....  plan was to silverline then MTBA to PVD...  but nothing, email, twitter, text, phone, unresponsive...

fuck...  sure easy answer is "battery is dead" but other options are far scarier, you know stolen phone, lost phone, left on plane, i'll leave off why these are all really scary options.

I tried to read a book, nope, brain was not having it...  got a rando call...  actually answered it, she was at the PVD train station. She actually used a public pay phone to call me. How about that.

End? yeah, phone wouldn't take a charge anywhere, battery would charge out of a particular outlet but not phone (voltage requirements for specific transformers likely) and it was just dead, not lost/stolen/compromised.

Oh but between that more plumbing shenanigans (i fixed them too, w/o trip to orange box store)....

Pedal? Nope. Not for a couple days.

Should be well rested for Smackdown tomorrow. But super tied up all day, no chance of finding some fancy function to drink 7.8% abv pints before like last week. Hopefully big Eian will be there and I'll drink lots of water to be hydrated and maybe I can get close to last weeks anomaly.

oddly completely jacked right now, wide afuckingwake....  wish I could find some blog that puts me to sleep the way this one does to solobreak.

even then...  attention span runs short and i look for other things or brain won't let me chillax...

current status the latter.  ca

deleting so many twitter responses tonight, so many... fixating on one that lumped alt-right and alt-left (literally wtf) and Nazi and Anti-Fascists  together as all bad... and my brain hurts, my heart hurts and I want the punch the fuck out of that guy (of course it is a guy but well, i got into a discussion with a not guy suggesting that the violence was a problem - fine but then lets call BLM terrorists but not the Alt-Right).... I MEAN WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK...  PRETTY SURE NEARLY ALL OF THE DOMESTIC TERRORIST EVENTS ARE DONE BY ALT-RIGHT NAZI LEANING WHITE DUDES

le sigh...  so some Antifa folks get a bit violent, did THEY drive the car into the crowd killing people?
a
Nope...

so tempted to tweet that to this particular individual...  but....

sigh...

i'm kind of going to be the cynic and guess this asshole wrote that JUST to go viral...

Oh and while working on sunday I remembered what I thought I forgot...  referencing the edited comment from saturday night, the one where I didn't remember, but I remember...

It was better not remembering....

although I pretty much have daily reminders....

unrelated: I've been listening to WBRU.com way more while not driving, maybe compensating for not listening while driving? Downside? repetition. Upside? I KNOW ALL THE LYRICS AND CAN SING ALONG (in my head)....

Tomorrow is going to be here WAY too soon and WAY too early and i'm not ready for it...

Hey at least I wore eye protection while replacing the kitchen faucet, nothing fell in my eyes this time.

I was gonna crack another mini-beer (aka 12 oz) but i had a pint of water and will sign off and attempt sleep.

be well,

do good,

think of others,

punch Nazis,

and

heddwch
G

COFFEE TIME

Woke up, finished loading the dishwasher, made coffee, edited last night's ramblings.

Wasn't comfortable with a few of the things, felt some needed more explanation so I made a pile of edits.

Going to finish some coffee...  contemplate a second cup or just head to the bike shop before I need another one and make some there...

want to get some steaks coated in a dry rub of spices so we can make some steak tacos tonight. started soaking some adzuki beans as well.

Ah hell, coffee is gone, still a bunch to do here at home before heading in to work. Best make another cup of coffee, that or start drinking beer, but not before work.

Also shit, I need to order the cranks for the bike still...

contemplating gearing though, 34T is so small, but since it wears out more quickly I can just wait to replace it with a bigger size, and maybe i should try running a gear closer to the 2.0 magic people talk about than the 2.7 gear ratio i tend to race SSCX on. I def can't get out of the corner as quickly, with it but it is great on the straights but usually by then It is too late...  34x15 (2.26) is what i'm currently thinking, a bit light for the road, but probably good for the woods, and if i have to spin, i will, at least it will help with the aerobic capacity to move my legs faster. I know the torque is still there, esp cranking around on the 44x16 (2.75) commuter. I've heard people call 36x16 (2.25) magic sooo...  also Myerspace complained of having too tall of a gear for the SSCX National championship, the lighter geared folks got moving from the start faster and faster out of the corners. Maybe I'm not too old to change...  gear philosophy.

And then hey - Shimano doesn't sell the 1x11 XT crank with rings (on the Industry pro deal page) so maybe i'll be able to go with bigger ring anyway....  AND NOW kind of thinking maybe get an XT crank and put it on the White blue, but that would be just sitting around I'm guessing and maybe I just need to find some tall kid who needs a CX frame and get rid of it.

So yes, while i've actually pulled the trigger on the new bike, I don't have it fully figured out yet. Of course.

Over. Think, EVERYTHING!

best to step away from the computer and get back to doing shit so I can go to work.

heddwch
G

post b-day musings

I guess at some point you stop getting a birthday greeting by your wife in the morning and stop getting birthday cards in the mail completely.

I hit that this year.

Yes. I've tried to reverse the abjectly negative impact my birthday has for years. Years.

Finally all chips in gonna take charge of my 40th, the milestone so many others celebrate and one i've participated in numerous times, I mean at that point my wife said, look i don't know your friends if you want a big party go ahead and plan it. So I started to and my little sister fucks it up. BIG TIME. Actually made it even worse.

if possible. but understandably possible,

because it is my birthday and it pretty much always sucks.

always has...  i mean sometimes I think it might be great, but before I fall asleep it goes sideways, every. fucking. year.

yeah, that one in cali - at my grandmother's house, fancy fire truck birthday party, i was ignored so hard core despite all the kids there that I still remember it 40+ years later partly my own fault I suppose, I was shy, didn't really want to be by was. Already internally conflicted before I turned 6.

Having 3 brothers with birthdays mid-year and big parties with all their friends didn't help this life long depression around the this day. It helps understand and i dunno, I hold nothing against them or anyone, hmm maybe carrying all the blame myself is a problem. Anyway, my birthday was always before school started. And was just before school started, and just before Bumbershoot, gotta prep for festival, booth, harps, music, practice, concerts... always overshadowed, but you understand right GeWilli? yeah, i get it, then, now, 6 years ago, always.

But seriously so fucking strange, not to get a single card in the mail. Or not. Remarkable only for the fact that it has never happened before. Actually kind of entertaining to be honest, it makes me chuckle.

A new milestone, a first.

it was a bit depressing getting the mail and seeing nothing but junk or bills...  But then Labor day and back to school and shit, 'You understand right GeWilli?"  I mean I shouldn't care, right? i'm def getting used to it and rolling with it in stride...

and in reality? Why should I give a shit if almost no one recognizes my birthday, at least my Mother remembers. As one might hope, birth is traumatic, a remarkable event. At least it was before drugged induced painless birth.

I started off this whole thing with a point, but I think I lost it.

Probably for the best.

Talked to Frankie McC today while he was picking up Brendan's bikes, Jason was putting in the BB on both bikes. It was good, kind of an extra affirmation that i'm doing the right thing stepping away this season.

I identified a key element to the struggle, yet not sure how to address it, and not sure I even want to post it here as even though I know it is legit and true it feels pretty shitty given all my blessings... (but now editing it this comment is too cryptic even for me to remember what I was referencing- oops)

(and removed, not even saved a draft about that meeting pre-amble - so if you did read it well we're the only ones who remember it, it needed way too much editing to fix and explain emotions and i was less clear about department divisions than i should have been, as always gewilli stands alone, an outlier, not part of a group, that's the easiest way to put it)

In the deleted section I talked about being very intrinsically motivated to be the best at my job that I get paid to do, even if it is a bit lonely as an outlier, you think I'd be used to that now. Call it the Introvert/Extrovert conflict/tension within myself. With GeWilli expectations...

maybe that's what's making not racing easier, I know have no intrinsic gift to go fast, never had, and even at my peak in 2013 it was so extrinsically motivated (until I blew up the sub patellar bursa and lost a few weeks later)  i'm really happy not dealing with the stress of knowing i'll get lapped given current fitness. I've had enough of that. I'm looking forward to the new bike, maybe finding a SSCX race to jump in just to pin a number on.

Mostly looking forward to just riding. Assuming I can make that happen. I keep thinking "yeah I'll start doing more than commuting this week" only to be confronted with the "hey dude what the fuck are you thinking hahahahaha"

With my wife in Disneyland having fun with her friends rubbing salt in the wounds of not really having any friends to hang out with and not having more than one or two days off since December... I mean I guess I have friends but no time to hang out? that's the positive way to spin it, even if hanging out digitally seemed to work in the past before something or other... I've got responsibilities now that go beyond me, and that's okay. Makes the internal conflict tolerable and is why I wake up in the morning ready to go and to get shit done. Once I have coffee, and a few minutes of quiet time.

at least no one reads this much anymore...  sending the best and warmest wishes to all y'all who still manage to follow this bullshit i write about. I'll try and start riding more so I can talk more about pedaling and less about mental state and struggles that shouldn't be struggles given what so many are going through...

be well,

heddwch,
g

deep space, can you hear me?

drifting like major tom...

feeling at least,

i'm pretty fucking exhausted after the last couple days...

today wasn't much better, or was significantly worse...

i'm aware of my blessings, but somehow cursed with the awareness of my shortcomings and failings...  guess which carry more weight in my being?

could have been okay if first thing I heard today was "Happy Birthday" but no I heard "can you make me an omelette pocket?" yes of course...  i can and will and...  not trying to martyr but just being open and honest

maybe too honest, and maybe I shouldn't say that today would have been perfect if i'd heard the greetings sometime before i left for the retreat. Sometime before BG texted me in the late morning.

Yeah, everyone else had big things going on, first day of 7th grade and all...  and that's awesome, I def don't want to take anything away from that.

but i'm fucking exhausted and still awake (been up since 5 am it is closer to 11 pm than I would like) .

my oldest did make a wonderful dinner, with significant consultation help from me though, but i respect the fact that one must ask those who know when you don't...  it was very satisfying.

i shut down my FB wall, didn't want people posting there, granted it is usually one or two but they all know how to contact me off of FB so let them.

I got a wonderful email from TD today, helpful, and positive and good...  def was what kept the scales from tipping wildly out of balance... that and the beer at lunch perhaps...  and the sheer exhaustion preventing me from being able to even emotionally give much more than a tiny shit.

where to go?

forward, ever forward, never straight....

the next good number of days are going to be tough,

but hey, not like the last 9-20 months have been easy...  should be a piece of cake.

yeah, sorry TD, I know, I know, i'm blessed, i've been gifted the choicest of all, but the white guilt, the awareness of the success of my peer group relative to me (shit they all have fancy cars, some even have a cabin) i know i'm happy with the choices I've made, i can live with them in peace but doesn't reduce my awareness...

stupidly negative for today, so totally just hands in the air like we don't care at this point...

even the TSP gang overlooked it....

all i can be thankful for is that I'm not drinking more than a sixpack tonight, and there's two left. I'd crush them but tired, finding odd restraint. Not sure who I am anymore.

best of luck to you all...  i'm going to do what I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other, content with being ignored, 40+ yrs of experience is helpful in that regard.... life...

it is what we have and is all we've got....

peace,
but i like it in welsh so much better:
heddwch,
G

Why still awake

I feel an odd ethereal detachment. Tired but not sleepy.

Strange.

Smackdown was equally confusing did not expect to make the first group. Despite the five pints of Foolproof farm house ale at the retreat, and then neglecting to bring a water bottle, some how I survived.

Perhaps I'll have time to work tomorrow.

Now thinking, well maybe I should sleep.
Tomorrow I break the streak. I break it not for love or money or sex but for work and to continue another streak.

But damn, I have to wake up really early and get moving sooner than I like. I just hope it is done raining when it is time to ride. We need the rain, weeks without may be fine for me, not so much for the plants. But still riding to a new venue, not showing up like a drowned rat would be good.

Heddwch
G

So... GeWilli bought a new bike

Finally.

So much busted shit. Last NEW bike was 2010 or so with the purchase of the big white blue frame for $390. And that was just a frame. It fit but it was heavy and i'm down a crankset and a wheel set and it doesn't single speed well.

Sure, yes I bought that Orange Surly 1x1 from Derek last year. Best $300 i've spent. But it is legit 40# right now and while it drives like a dream, don't try and lift it up. Also is currently ensconced in full fenders and the rear brake has to be taken off just to change the wheel/tires/freewheel. I love that bike, my commute is pretty damn perfect for a single speed. Disc brakes and fenders and Schwalbe Marathon Plus and I'm happy as can be.

As a SSCX (singlespeed cyclocross) race bike? It could be better.

Well there's this company who made a bike for Stan Nice to race the SSXCWC last year. They put that frame into production in 2018. Singlespeed w/o eccentric BB, singlespeed with sliding flatmount Disc brakes. So it is aluminum and is heavier than carbon but, meh, they haven't put the stranglehold dropouts on the carbon CX bike, yet.

I've been looking, urged on by E "you've worked so much more this year at the bike shop, you really should get a new bike." This is the truth, the first saturday I haven't built a single bike since???? was yesterday.

Okay so a Trek Crockett Disc it is. Boom. I was looking at the Crockett 7, but I don't like SRAM, won't ride it, but thinking Force could be easily sold off and i could make it mine. Started looking at Brake options and was thinking cable, and well Flatmount you've got Spyers and whatelse? Not sure, but Spyres are nice, work. and the BB7 aren't avail as flatmount yet (could use same pads on both bikes)....  And it turns out I can run XT cranks (180 baby) on that bike.....  BOOM. Done.

So I start looking at the Crockett Frameset, not so bad priced, add some Paradigm Elite wheels (DT240 internals 12mm thru axles) and I can make it work easy enough.

Turns out though, those two together cost more than the Crockett 5 Disc. The Crockett 5 Disc is the same frame as the 7 and the F/S. But comes with, guess what, Spyre disc brakes but really shitty TLR wheels. But hey, fuck that? So what. I'll get nice wheels next year. But Frameset and wheels were ready to ship now. Crockett 5 disc was available on Backorder.  So I waited until I could check ship dates at the shop. September 11th earliest ship date.  Hell that's soon enough.

So I ordered this: https://www.trekbikes.com/us/en_US/bikes/road-bikes/cyclocross-bikes/crockett/crockett-5-disc/p/2484000-2018/?colorCode=black_green  not keen on the sprintmint but maybe some orange vinyl will help with that. I'll find a home for the Rival 1 group, toss on some hoods, the XT crank and BB and a SS cog conversion and we'll be rolling.

I agonized over this for a long time. Waiting for the 2018 with the strangelhold dropout to come out. Hell I almost bought a Stache instead, it has strangle hold and i could toss drop bars on it and have both a CX bike and a 29r+ MTB. but...  well I didn't.

Will I race it? maybe. Maybe not. Will i ride it? HELL YEAH MAN. can't wait.

So yeah...  GeWilli bought a new bike...  thru axles and disc brakes...  can't wait.

heddwch
G

smackdown

i changed up a variable, Leland had to keep under a certain wattage...

it wasn't the worst, about the same as last week, a touch faster maybe, hurt way less. Progress? Consistency?

Coming around? Maybe. Too close to tell, but trying to make stuff happen. Working? We'll see.

It was funny, we were rolling out, three of us, Kurt, Syl and myself. Two kids on raleigh fixed gear bikes actually showed up. They were all fire and energy until we turned onto Woodward, Leland bumped the pace up to about 24 or so and they were gone by the turn on to prospect. we worked together pretty well over a bit. On Pine Syl or Kurt jumped a bit and Leland kept his watts low and I hung on his wheel, not easy for me but i was not alone, we caught the other two at Homestead, then went into Rocky Hill. We crested pretty close together, Kurt's knee was a bit wonky so he took it easy at the finish of Rocky and I waited and we cruised over to hillside and he kicked my ass. But we found the other two before Reed and rode back together.

Nice hard pace on Walker, I was last wheel, working, then Leland attacked the finish, I could tell he was just trying to do a high cadence sprint workout but fuck it,,,  i sprinted too, 44x11 at a peak 109 RPM, I was comfortable at that cadence, felt good to spike the HR that high, took a while to recover. But coming around.

The ride home into the wind was mitigated by the fact that it shifted a bit.

But Smackdown was not so terrible.

Not sure next week will work timing wise but we'll see when the department retreat I'm giving a talk at finished. May be in time.

And no Birthday ride for me this year. Streaks are meant to be broken.

But another post soon, about something else, will take a bit to explain, but short preview: I ordered a new bike.

heddwch
G

Aero is faster than Cannibal

That's kind of an obvious statement.

How much faster? maybe a minute for me.

I felt much faster last night, more streamlined, definitely could feel the reduction in drag on that bike. Heavier it is indeed but it rolls well and I've done a few TTs on it.

I have 14 strava efforts on this course. The first effort was 18:57 from 2012, the day after we rode to Woods Hole and back. Using borrowed Garmin.

Then the next pile of progressions were in 2013. Did it once in 2015, Prov Velo decided to bandit last year, I made three of those. and then I made three this year. First two were on the slow bike, the old cross bike. I mean holy crap slow, but the effort was there and I pushed myself.

Last night, pre-race prep def not like 2013. No ritual Bagel Gourmet steak burrito, and I probably did a bit to hinder my time but maybe not. Times are kind of how I would expect them to be even without anything screwed up that day.

I'm there and well, there were a couple carrots. First up the bike. the helmet, the rest of the gear. There's an undeniable mental boost using that crap.

Second, I'm starting behind Ciril again, and he brought Pizza, that he made, for us to eat at the end. I CAN PEDAL FOR PIZZA...  only better carrot would have been beer.

I felt pretty good, but also it hurt but I was totally comfortable in that tuck, tip of the Giro teardrop helmet firmly and always in contact with my spine, shifting to the nose of the saddle, trying to keep the cadence in the mid to high 90s range, grinding it out only now and again for a shift of pace.

hitting Reynolds I almost thought I caught a glimpse of a jersey up in the distance? What? NO WAY.

Hello motivation. I pushed it hard on reynolds, yet still watched my avg speed drop... but just before crossing back under the powerlines I applied some torque then with that speed boost jumped back up to a higher cadence and worked the next section, took a breather through the slight downhill into the left hander and attacked into Peck, absolutely drilled it up Peck (see HR)...  actually that's kind of cool, looking at the HR chart for the TT I can tell you exactly why the HR went down each time it did, the stretch before Reynolds, I think I had eased off a tiny bit in prep or thinking about the turn.

So I nuke it up Peck, out of the saddle initially then back in the bars on the nose of the saddle driving up the hill. Crest it and crank the speed up and Coast...  recover... settle...  and yeah that's someone up there but they don't look like they are on an aero bike (Ciril is) too high up...  Oh well, still someone to catch. But at that point once I was done with the moment of coasting and speed dropped a bit I left it in the 53x11 and just fucking pushed it as hard as I could. I think i yelled at my legs and just dug deeeeeeep.

Sure enough I could see the Golden Monkey Victory beer jersey Ciril was wearing. I used to love GM, now i get queasy when i take a sip.

I'm pouring everything into it and holy shit he's turning we're almost done? FUCKING TIME TO GO, I launch out of that last turn, perfect turn no brakes, no cars, perfect apex, pedal through it and then Attack, out of the saddle full sprint accelerating all the way to the line. I passed him before the cemetery started and cleared the line first.

Give me someone to sprint and something happens, i find extra stuff I didn't know I had.... took me a long time before I could talk again, much less stumble around well enough. to find some water.

We ate pizza, i found out i had broken the 20 min mark, won a couple things in the raffle, just getting ready to go and the PVD crew takes off. Garber leading the charge with his E-bike. I had hoped to ride back with a group.

I didn't have my backpack on and when I did? They were gone.

Long solo ride home. It was difficult. Legs were really tired. ever present was the kid who was killed the other day in riverside near my house. A close friend to one of the bikeworks guys.

I made it home safely, in the total pitch black darkness. and cracked a Mighty Squirrel Mocha Stout. I had a couple. And i think maybe there's more coffee in there than is good to have before bed. I didn't sleep well.

And tired coupled with sore legs made this morning's commute a bit tough. Fortunately I got here and the morning session was cancelled. So I had a chance to catch up, and now write.

I'm still feeling pretty slow, but there is some magic I feel on that course. I know those turns, the road, it is never boring racing it, same as it is, always was but still, for me, that familiarity feels like an advantage and I kind of like it. Even when I'm going slower. Maybe next year I can find that bit of speed again.

heddwch
G

kind of brilliant song

except need to swap AS for DT....

I think about this song every time Ahhhnold turns up on Facebook ranting against the idiots in office trying to gerrymander or dismiss global warming, or in the most recent case say nazis aren't bad.



wouldn't take much to re-write it for 2017

consistency

is not something that has happened here lately.

Haven't managed to sit down and write.

Kind of forcing it now but hey, it'll either work or not.

Last week I managed to get two rides in. Commuting counts but not the same. Tuesday last week was brutal, it hurt. Smackdown was a disaster. About the same as when Dave and Brent chilled and had a slow ride home with me. Last week it was Goldberg who kindly waited for me I was going so slowly up the hills. It was a disaster. And I had a bit of extra coffee just before the ride and it meant TOO MUCH COFFEE so my heart did a few weird things, IE 201, it felt weird. It kind of sucked. And every hill hurt like a motherfucker and my legs were screaming and it was rough. Sucked it up and headed to the TT after that on thursday and felt much better. Rode an OK time (21:00) left it all out there. And riding home was a disaster, couldn't go up hill. Caroline was happy to chill and Golberg waited and Ronan kept looping back. It was probably a frustrating ride home for them. Goldberg is confused though, if I am so much slower than he is riding on Smackdown and to and from the TT, how did I go faster in the TT? I dunno. Not a clue.

So, Tuesday rolled around again. Smackdown again.

I did the same thing, sat on the front, social chat until we got to Prospect. Sure, it delays the speed attack a bit, woodward isn't a highspeed drag race, but it is also the first stretch when we can double paceline w/o much traffic. Good time for forced socialization. Yeah me sitting on the front from the start to there is dumb. But we made the turn and I swung off and to the back and right on big Eian's wheel. Except, well, my HR was pegged just trying to stay in his draft. And I told Caroline that I'd fix her shifting if she showed up, even if only on a TT bike. She is totally new to the group riding thing and just sort of tagged along, but got gapped on Prospect so I delayed a tiny bit because last time she came out she got dropped and lost. Fuller sat up a bit as the big boys hit the gas hard on Jacob/Broad. and we pretty much rode together as a trio. Pushing it as hard as I could, which was much harder than the week before. But still no where close enough to hang with the fast guys like the old days.

The fast guys actually turned around and rode back and met us on Pine, but then they had a brutal attack on Read and I couldn't quite hang but then actually managed a wicked hard effort on Walker and we all joined back up again. Fuller got a bit gapped but managed to catch up before we turned onto King Phillip.

It was good. Headed back to the lab to get my shit and then rode home. A good long bit in the saddle. Haven't been sleeping as well as I would like lately. And while things are good, and pretty well balanced and managed, every once in a while something small perturbs the equilibrium and everything falls apart.

I am extremely grateful for what i have, for my friends, for my family and my health and current stability in most all things. But that goddamn spark plug is still giving me fits (no haven't touched it) and I still haven't had a day off since spending four hours of the day in the car in intense traffic.

But the weekends have been shorter work days, but a work day isn't a rest day and the list of shit I have to deal with is long, but not growing at an any more unmanageable rate.

We've pretty much finished up with all the intense work shit here. Got a couple projects that i need to work on but there's a ton of little things I need to make happen. BUT going to be chipping away a bit more slowly here. Pace myself a bit more.

Tonight is the final TT.  dug out the paramount, spent an hour this morning getting it ride-able. Haven't touched it since last summer's TTs, took the seatpost out to put in the big surly Singlespeed CX/Commuter.

but it is ready to go... mostly.

we'll see if i'm up to pedaling it much and we'll see how different the times wind up being between this bike and the black 'super not aero' blue. Def feeling more tired than usual. Not a good sign but hey, i'm still headed over there tonight.

maybe i'll even write about it sometime afterwards.

heddwch
G

Sorry for the lapse

It has been a tough week.

Not a bad week, but a very... challenging... week. Nothing like what my friends have to deal with, or some friends, or most friends,


but it hasn't been easy...

These dates, impact of dates and numbers are always there, 8/4...  such symmetry...

We made pesto tonight, youngest had a new cookbook so I honored the excitement and we made the recipe from that book.

it was pretty fucking delicious.

i added a few more garlic cloves than called for though, because garlic is awesome. And why not.

Also...

anyway, words I set out to write aren't flowing forward, but maybe sleep and another day of work before another week of work will help produce content...

heddwch
G

shy extroverted introvert

https://wizzhouse.com/an-extroverted-introvert-gives-14-real-life-examples-of-extroverted-introverts/

not great combo but explains much...

FB link...

FB triggered return to it... first PaulyB posted a twitter reply to Sachs, that fired up the response engine,

Then Myles posted about  "CX is coming" and well I said: "only CX for me we be with a wrench or a roll ot tape, lemme know if a racer/promoter needs either #hiredgun #doneracing"

further comments got this out of me: i'm just gonna be a hired gun or the drunk slow guy at the back of the SSCX races nearby RI this season... the more of the former means the less of the latter... although i'm pretty sure they are not going to be any overlaps.

then this: i could unjustly shift the blame, but it would only be to those who are making the excuses easier to make. I kind of expect to be back racing at some point, i don't see that point being anywhere w/in the next year tho.

Age group change totally completely removed any desire to line up for the Vittoria series this year. Completely.

That was the final straw in the wavering tower of jenga blocks i'm standing on.

Zero intensity and August is tomorrow. ZERO INTENSITY for MONTHS. The odd smackdown or TT (one of each in recent memory) does not make consistency. I'm slow. I can feel how out of shape I am. It is a weird and strange feeling.

I still love riding my bike, still love working on bikes. Love making them awesome for other people.

Love CX, but I'm kind of done racing for a bit. I realize how much i put into it with so little out. Nothing even close to 2013 season. Not even a race worthy of sweeping up after that season since.

Sure some of them were fun, the races, But I kind of felt better in the pits helping others than trying to flail and fail on my own recently.

I'd love to go to G-ster, but there's no goddamn way i'm signing up to race this year. Fuck. That. No. Way. September is a wash, most of October is hosed, first weekend in Nov? gone.  Zanc series has continued the shift north, adding more and more venues  further and further away, probably because that's where the venues are shifting...  and i haven't looked but I'd guess the final race in the series is, again for the ??? year going to happen when I'm not there...

and then January rolls around and everyone says fuck you all we're going home to bitch about the cold weather and snow until summer happens when we bitch about the heat and humidity.

IT WAS A GOOD EVENING...  woke up ready to go then slipped into the start of the day sucking, but not terrible, headed downhill from there then eventually turned about and got amazing and now back to .!..  ..!. for everyone

tomorrow is another day and we'll see if it the morning can deliver...

better start checking with the canadians that have hired me before...

maybe another CX wrench has too many clients and needs to hire someone else...

shrug, either way, we'll see what happens...

heddwch
G


HFS! late night realizations... at this rate my USAC license for 2018 may never get used... all that money ... wasted...

the creep of resurgence

Been a slow build this week.

A good build.

Referencing feeling positive and good and happy most of the time.

One lingering hook, snag, tether...  that tug from the unknown end of the line, what's on the other side of it and why is it pulling on me, best way to describe it I guess.

Asking the friend about a specific solution, was good - almost cut me free from that line that I know is attached to a really big truck tire at the bottom of the lake, but there are two lines, maybe figure out how to break free from that one helps with the other.

I'm messing with the fishing metaphor a bit, very plastic - being both on the rod side and the hook side at once. Makes sense in my mind but I see stuff in a matrix/fluid way more than normal, cryptic and confusing to others is clear to me.

The one current hook, odd.

But working to focus on the positive, that ground swell of feeling good. Talking to Tom was very helped, far more so than I could have expected, as I think I said already.

not quite enough food for lunch, but i'm not quite pedaling enough to justify eating more. Maybe I'll grab and extra beer on the way home to balance out day time calorie deficit.

This odd turn has been pleasant. And good.

Today things finally started to settle down a bit here, next week isn't looking great but at first glance still manageable. No TT last night, no smackdown on tuesday, maybe next week I'll make Smackdown. Won't be back in time from BOS/logan pickup in time for TT it looks like, but who knows maybe traffic will be less shitty than Tuesday.

Time to bust out of this place, head over to toss a few things together to get on the floor before Saturday, plenty to catch up on there.

Also I've taken to commuting more frequently in street clothes. Def not as cool and functional as bike stuff but it saves a bunch of time not having to change when I get to work. Not sure what that means though, have I slid down the rung of cyclists to just commuter? Looks that way from Strava. Back and forth back and forth...  all the same route, little diversity.

It is what it is though and it is kind of okay now.

heddwch

G

FINALLY

A day off...

that felt like a day off.

Slow start, running around in the AM, taking a nap, doing nothing. Drive to Logan, drop oldest off, talk to a friend I haven't in way too long.

It was good.

I don't even remember the traffic from BOS to PVD. There was a shit ton, but I was talking and just following the pokey slow car in the right lane all the way there.

Got some groceries...  didn't do work at either place, am relaxed, able to forget and push the burdens aside for a day.

It was good.

Need a bit more but am happy just for this brief moment.

Back at it tomorrow.

Oh and no smackdown. Just got home a bit ago. no pedaling today.

heddwch
g

before the good mojo turn around

that's why i'm tweaking the time line here. this was written after the FINALLY post but chronologically goes before it...

this:
http://providenceonline.com/stories/radio-silence,24147

completely fucking sucks. In the car I have WBRU on 100% of the time (except sundays). Radio in the house? WBRU.

Not new news but unfortunate and sad.

Also...
https://twitter.com/VittoriaSeries/status/889854400050716673

no more 45+

no more verge series. makes it even easier to walk away. I'll still show up if someone one needs to hire a mechanic for any race, but barring that I will likely stay home from that series this year. That with the Zanc series moving with a northern bias...

Gonna eat some salad and try and go to sleep early. tomorrow is gonna be a wee bit nuts.

heddwch
G

i was

going to write stuff tonight...

but decided in a mood to work no not being negative to say nothing...

because i have nothing positive to say

other than that atom there? it lost an electron, and it is positive....

reach out from far away as a reaction w/o seeing the lead up?

i'm sorry that my arms don't reach that far behind my back...

today was good not good...  mostly not good...

i work to help to add...

but i'm tired...

best thing about tonight is being out of beer....

and that's really not a good thing.

but it is what it is,

i took a snapshot with my phone and wrote a haiku about tonight...

click the instagram link if you wanna see that...

Maybe i'll ride again. Not doing smackdown tomorrow because i'm airport shuttle...

but the rest of the week is already booked solid meaning - no riding other than getting to work...

fun times...

6.9 miles at a time..

heddwch
G

And then, you talk to your mom

and the one person with all the answers has none...

not that i asked questions but laying it all out there, yeah what else to do?

is okay, I know it is all good and huge numbers of people benefit. Translating that into good headspace is the challenge, mostly because I think i can do more.

huge moment of clarity today working...

not sure it was a positive one but any fact that falls into place in the wall, boom that brick belongs, is recognizable as a solid acceptance...

talk about this one? Nope not here...  but at some point, maybe...

that's all...  got decent sleep last couple nights, means I'm sure as shit going to be tossing and turning tonight....

be well

heddwch
G

Saturday thinking

Saturday thinking…

It has been a long week. Fantastic amazing ending of the week, only to have it absolutely make a 180 degree turn.

But sometimes you need to swallow hard and be alone and let others do their thing.

And then my brothers called, let me know my dad smashed up his truck in Colorado Springs. But he’s okay. The mayor of the town he lives in will drive over to pick him up and them one of my brother’s is flying out to drive my dad back to CS to empty the truck.

Today I had planned to get to the shop early to get caught up. Woke up at 6:15, drank a bit of water, put an eye drop in…  and passed out, woke up at 8… made an effort to get up, only to wake up at 11am…  FUCK.

Barely made coffee before the lack of caffeine became critical. Got dressed and for the first time since the 16th…  got on the bike.

And I made an attempt at working. It sort of worked. I got through a handful of bikes. Honestly most of them were sold w/in a few minutes of building them. A couple were sold before.

I realized today that building bikes alone, in the basement, is very much like riding my bike alone, mile after mile. Thinking of everything. All the things and nothing. Instead of putting miles in my legs I’m making sure people’s bikes are quality for their legs.

working for others…  doing what I can do…  life….  

mine....

Turn a corner, run into a wall.

Frustrated at each turn. Relaxation? elusive…  

Moving from one crisis to another obligation, and moving forward, always…

Good couple times a day this past week, of course this week, people have asked “How’s the riding going? Must be getting in many miles lately? Had any long rides lately?” Each was a bit of  a twist of the knife. I mean I have a good answer, I’m burned out. Tired, stressed. Bikes are wanting for attention and repair. I’m busy..  and i am pretty much willing to facilitate everyone else, 

well i’ve had a lot of time alone. figuring things out…  not really for the better, but knowledge and recognition. Life… choices you've made and all that... 

slowly making progress in my brain, focusing on attempt to add …  not subtract…  

Movie tonight: “why does this hurt so much?” “because it is real.”

yup…

Tea is at four, don’t bother knocking…

might try this sleep thing soon…

heddwch

G

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody (Live At Wembley Stadium, Saturday 12 July 1986)

Master of your craft...  few almost no one will ever touch this level of mastery... #respect

played with timelapse

you can check the instagram link on the left, i won't bother giving a link because i'm sure most people here have seen it...

it was the second bike of the day, first was a test run.... I got slower as the day went on but still managed keep it in profitable range, still...  means just another day of work. Not so bad though, I had the 4th off. It is only the 16th. No so many days in a row, that said, i'm not sure if/when i'll have another day off. Off the bike? likely all week with schedule. Off work? nope. big fat extra nope.

But that's okay.

Gotta facilitate everyone else's vacations.

Emphasize everyone else.

Not bitter, resigned. Is okay.

It is life.

Will try timelapse again when I have something more exciting to build than an 820 or a Marlin 7. Maybe I'll try something at the other dungeon/basement/no window life.

Wasn't surprising that someone picked up on the basement. Couple people did.  Guess that's where the powers that be think I should be. Out of the way, quiet, hidden...  but like the snow piercer, without me everything would grind to a halt...

That said - basement is great, I can turn up music loud enough to drown out anything anyone is saying upstairs that might distract me and draw me in, and I have bikes next to me, and places to put them when they are built.

It is an optimal arrangement. Esp for being alone.

With everyone ghosting me, announced or unannounced, it isn't so bad being alone. Forces me to re-center. focus. Keeping going, one foot in front of the other.

E asked what bike I was going to buy with all this extra work I'm doing this summer. Nothing to buy. Emonda ALR6? would be dumb, wheels suck, might fit but still ALR and heavy compared to S or SL esp SLR, and '18 models are very different, cheaper and lighter, but not avail for employee purchase yet. Same for crocket. Get that with stranglehold? Sure why not! But default is with SRAM and sorry, love them (just not their wheel lacing pattern choices) but I'm a shimano guy and it doesn't look like that's a possibility....  Then what?

who knows....  Santa Cruz Stigmata? I'm making a few extra dollars, not a few extra thousand of dollars....

I did just retire the '09 Propel helmet. It is pretty dead. But replaced with that Lazer I got not so much longer after it. Leaving only the orange Giro at race level... maybe need to get another to balance/in case.

But Helmets aren't bikes...  man it would be so much easier if i wasn't on the far end of the bell curve....  The year my 63cm Klein Quantum Pro was made...they made 3-4 frames in that size. PERIOD. And I got one of them.

How crazy is that. First they had a commitment to keep making the bike size that fit Gary Klein, but that they did and sold it to a few people.. I waited a while for that frame.

It was pretty goddamn expensive. But right now, still probably weighs 2x as much as the Emonda ALR. even with the shitty stock wheels on the Trek.

Still currently, in the whats the point in getting a new bike. What am I gonna do with it?

Nothing.

One more beer than I'll go to bed and go to work tomorrow....  just like today, and the day before, and the day before and ....

heddwch
G

zen buddhist

kind of makes sense...

but not really, yes, go with the flow, calm when others aren't...

stupid quiz tho yo http://mydailyquizz.com/what-is-your-actual-religion-according-to-your-subconscious/

i think it, like every other quiz out there is bullshit....  not enough variables, not enough answers for each question...

what is my actual religion?

Life...  we have but one, this is it.

we're done? we're done.

What we leave behind, in interactions...  in legacy... in how we treat people...  or at least how we attempt to treat people...

I got up, had coffee, was building bikes by 8:30am, paused to do some shopping and collect youngest kid from hair cut appointment that went 45 min longer than expected because she has so much hair, and back to bike shop.

Work.

Tomorrow not likely to be much different.

Puts last day off as July 4th and that day I was so wrecked I could barely function and I'm running that battery really low.

Next week is gonna be a shit show for sure. Probably gonna be driving every day. Anxiety and everything freaked about about dinner on tuesday...  freaked out that between me and my oldest we're gonna rack up 30-40 on the bill and we're still gonna need to pay a couple hundred just to cover the four who've never ever wanted for anything....  I'm so freaked out and anxious i've started working on a bailout plan...  i don't have a plan yet but i'm working on it...  it would help if the weather is good and I can make smackdown and then somehow dramatically be so delayed that I can't join...

too much drama given the drama i'm going to walk into at work on Monday...  at least the bikes aren't dramatic. They are in boxes, i put them together. One after another. just over 20 in boxes, some priority but mostly just build em, till there are none left to build. Happened all the time in PVD. Hasn't happened once at EP. Also I realized, it is only 10-12 min longer to ride to the shop than drive. Def gonna ride tomorrow.

Today was the first day off the bike in a while too.

Tired. very much so.

I would be pretty lonely if not for web log outlet. And I'm not sure that's a good thing.

But man do I respond well to just being with myself, alone...

But then, i really really get tired of being alone...

Being alone in the basement, at work, both works.

Today I was thinking about vacation...  what would it take to actually take a break? It would take lifting an insane number of responsibilities....  it would take lifting all of the financial guilt of not doing anything and somehow would take a balance of others cooking for me but also cooking for myself.

AKA fucking mission impossible...

Maybe next year....

Zen, heddwch, peace, love, hugs...

def need more hugs, really really need more hugs, more contact, more physical connections, i need to be alone but the yin and yang are such that i need opposites equally, contact and isolation...  fuck up the balance and shit's weird.

It is strange getting to this point in your life and realizing what it is what works and what doesn't.

Deano texted me a shot of his Barrington Coffee Roasters's espresso from today...  memories of hundos past...

I have zero desire to ride a Hundo right now. Zero. Absolutely not anything I want to do. Negacoach was going on about Eddie B's book and training logs and everything and journals and I had the strongest aversion to it all. Fuck. That. Shit.

Don't get me wrong. I love riding. I love bikes. Bikes are pretty fucking awesome...

But maybe I've just burned out on the competitive side...  fuck that shit. My best effort, everything working perfectly, still mediocre.

No desire to try to just get close enough to reach the mendoza line from the below. That's even factoring that I have longer arms than most...

i better stop writing before I did a bigger hole...

gonna have some more salad, maybe a couple more beers...

try to relax before getting up and going to work tomorrow....

heddwch
G

left work

only to come home and start working again....

why? not sure...

it is 7:20pm on a Friday and I'm scheduling shit for the week of the 24th...

and i've been going insane working on everything....

huge gains, this morning i was fucking lit just from awesomeness of how well shit worked the way it should have...  that's a good thing btw.

now?

dejected, tired, still working...  making a "make it work" dinner from stuff we have laying around because I haven't been shopping in a week or more...  because I've been working...

and working...
and everyone is taking a vacation...

everyone...

except me...

I can't even fucking spend my birthday on my bike this year... which really isn't such a bad thing. After the last couple months I'm not sure I can survive spending a whole day on the bike anyway.

We're halfway through July and I'm currently scheduled until... hmm...  MAY 2018...

FUCK YEAH

not quite that far out but, knowing i'm booked through into September, and then demo and other shit that month means October, but October is prep for install of the new million dollar scope in November. And then we have trainings and use back up until december and then into January and then I start teaching again....

A sucker was born in late august in the early 70s i guess. Tough being a selfless asshole. On one hand you can't complain because you're an asshole but you feel exploited because you're too selfless. Fuck them Catch 22s.

time to find some analog entertainment.

and find some lucky stars to hope i can ride the bike at least once or twice next week....

today was so good, but it is amazing how precarious shit is, tiny defect in the support struts and a slight imbalance leads to massive collapse.

aka right now...

fuck this roller coaster week...

there were beers in the fridge...

were...

heddwch
g

(I should probably find something other than Frank Turner to listen to tonight... maybe i'll switch to John Prine...  wait that's just older but the same... fuck)

still working btw... all the while making dinner...  only to get the text "the two of us are getting burgers on the way home"

that's a good one...

#beerme (i'm out)

snowballed in a frozen wasteland

That's how the day was yesterday.

Started with the eye, built into the kit order stuff (which now was explained today as just a special order, only white kit only summer weight all because riding around here now it is nice to have that stuff).  And I agree. But I don't need it and do need some new kit and the wording on the original email was not clear enough or indicated it at all in anyway. So it soured the morning.

Struggled the rest of the day.

Today's been better, but I didn't want the TT to happen and not have anything other than the 40# SSCX 1x1 here, so I rode the black blue, slapped the clip on fender on it and grabbed the HRM and the new shoes (wore the rain shoes just in case).

And looking at the radar now? It doesn't look so good, but maybe it will all blow over before the TT start and we'll be able to do it?

I'm gonna get wet on the ride home, or I'll dance between the showers. but we're probably not going to be doing the TT.  Which is probably good, i don't think i'll be able to match last weeks time today. Maybe next week.


--

And TT is no go.

I should have ridden the single speed with the fenders after all.  But then if i had ridden that they'd probably hold the TT and i'd be grumpy at myself. Now I'll just be wet.

And I can dry off easy enough.

okay back to working on laser problems and everything else that has been stressfully piling up....

heddwch
G

one of those days

You wake up, piss a couple times because you're trying to stay hydrated so your corneal scratch can heal but fuck that it still somehow despite special night time eye drops shit gets fucked up at 4am and you toss and turn until 5am, and then figure maybe I'll fall back asleep but at 5:20 figure, fuck this, I'm awake, let's get the day started.

Of course since i didn't do the shopping, different coffee was purchased, wrong coffee, weird coffee...  not good.

But fine, still coffee. Coffee, is good, bad coffee is better than no coffee.

yesterday w/o coffee fucking sucked massively.

I had coffee, thanks to a gift card i've been saving for days like this for years. Good thing they don't expire in RI.

Today? on the bike before 7am, building special orders and getting to the picture factory only a few minutes late-ish....  walking into a maelstrom.

Brief pause with an awkward training session, fucking laser bullshit, this bullshit, more stuff...  fucking frustrating...

i'm not a fan of authoritarian bullshit, esp when it is needless and counter-productive. but it never seems to be to the one making all the authoritarian fucking decisions.

I don't want some paper thin summer weight bullshit kit that costs 40% more than the normal stuff I need to replace.

Fuck the Rapha discount code gets me their base line shorts for less than the stupid paper thin pro shit, and for that matter I can order either Pearl Izumi or Bontrager at EP pricing, so i can get two pair of fucking pro-level awesome black shorts for the cost of some stupid shitty thin summer bullshit bibs that make some Dr's dick feel awesome.

But hey, fuck this shit, so tired of it all.

Been doing the books for this fucking club for how many years? For nothing, NOTHING.

I don't even have the mojo to race CX, much less to give a shit about CX. I mean FUCK that shit...  never given me anything but heartache.

Maybe i need to just grow up and stick to being a fat slow commuter, what's the point of doing anything else.

Tomorrow maybe i'll feel better but today? Yeah fuck this.

Gimme a beer,

Oh hey, btw, if you haven't noticed this summer has fucking SUCKED.

Oh and hey, BTW, vacation? Director was sharing how much work it is to get ready for a vacation...  uh, yeah, dude, you've no idea.  The amount of hell i went through just to take a thursday and friday off to fly to OR to evaluate the new scope? No wonder I have weeks of vacation built up. And no wonder boss guy that you'll find me in my office on a day i have requested (and have gotten approval for) as a day off.

I think maybe my first tattoo should be big letters saying not 'sucker' but an ode to Marx and "PROLETARIAT"

bad mood, but like chip says this is more journal than PR shit, esp since I ain't trying to rep no one sponsoring my kit or bike...  kind of got emotionally destroyed with every thing involved with all that...  Worked out? nope.

Work through it? Yep.

I'll get through it.

Like flying across the country in the summer, ain't no fucking way you're going to totally avoid turbulence, unless you're a blessed motherfucker.

Turbulence...

When I was a kid it made me sick and freaked me out.

Now? Meh, kind of look forward to the ones where your stomach drops and you reach zero G in a commercial aircraft. Anything less is just what it is....meh...  This is pretty good turbulence, but i still somehow trust the pilot, guidance is good, heading is good, lets ride this shit out.

So far no emergency landing...

not really sure how to dissipate today's anger.

I'm not fast or fit enough on the bike to be effective that way... maybe i should meditate... or play candy crush or something mindlessly placating....  too late to start watching a movie and still face the shitstorm tomorrow is going to be...

I'm backspacing and deleting 10x more words than I'm actually approving and allowing to sit here in the screen.

Tomorrow morning i might delete the whole fucking mess...

but at least Erin mentioned tonight that I seem to be struggling more than usual lately.

DING DING DING DING...

esp this week...

moving through...

turbulence...

it ain't that bad, only 25% of the passengers are puking and freaked out...

it is fine, just fine...

i have new shoes... if it ever stops raining i may actually sort out the insole side of things, i did finally get the cleats set up properly....

new shoes don't equal motivation btw... no matter how shiny they are.

fuck

but still

heddwch
G

made it to a smack down...

made it hanging on to the group until Prospect.

got dropped on the turn onto Prospect.

Fuller got popped too, drifted back, but then he dropped me on Jacob/Broad, he caught them on Pine, they chilled then dropped him.

Wetters was late, rode to Pine via Read, rode backwards, only found me. His jetlag and 2 weeks off the bike were enough to just be nice to ride and he rode with my slow butt tonight.

Not sure it was my slowest ever loop, but if not it was pretty damn close to it.

I lead through the bridge closure and on 152 over to woodward. I was pushing it hard PRE was a 4 out of 5 and I looked down and I was doing 21 mph. Fuuuuuuuuuuck

Couple years ago I was doing 30+ on this section with Bailey with the same PRE.

Strava speaks for itself.

I was TOTALLY dead on the way home too.

And so what. Right now the only racing i'm likely to do is a random SSCX race, lining up in the back, stopping for beer feeds and maybe if lucky staying on the lead lap. Doesn't sound too bad to me.

Race with the masters? Nope. Not a chance at this point. Not race CX? HOLY SHIT IS THAT POSSIBLE?

yup....

no team, no pressure, no shits given, no motivation.

Motivation to race for someone was good, race for myself? not bad, but results suck and I'm terrible at valuing the return on investment, where as when I'm racing for someone else it is easy to rep for them, do the right things, for myself? No one gives a shit. Or they give a shit but it is just me and I get nothing if they give a shit or not.

Yes, i'm oddly extrinsically motivated.

No extrinsic motivation right now/ Zero.

not even my fancy new shoes are motivating enough to get me to pedal harder.

Thursday after the TT I was all jazzed about getting the Paramount back. Dusting the cobwebs off. Even this morning I was thinking about ways to more securely affix the disc cover rear wheel. After smackdown? Current feeling is I might as well ride the same bike, and see if I can better the time.

We'll see if the weather is favorable this week.

Almost looking at the year of CX as "the only way i'll be there is if someone needs to hire a mechanic"

anyway, it isn't a bad or negative frame of reference, it is cool...  i'm oddly at peace with it. Want the Orange jumpsuit at a CX race this year? find someone who has cash for a mechanic...

Soccer drama just launched up another notch. But yeah -it is about money. I'll just make sure i get up and out of the house early tomorrow and build more bikes. I'd better have an extra beer to give me energy tomorrow....

heddwch
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oh yeah BTW... checked twitter today, we're fucked, so fucked, half the people are bubbly and oblivious and the other half are posting the most disturbing political and societal shit....not sure which is worse, i think the happy bubbly fuckers honestly....  but the futility of those posting the dreadful news of the fucking elephant party aren't much better...

And facebook ain't no party either....

Sunday reflections....

crazy day...

or less than crazy and just normal?

Finally talked to my dad. He says things are good, doesn't need to see his PCP for a while because he's doing so well on the current meds.

He's also proud and impressed with himself that he's been able to take care of himself lately. Pretty good words from a 78.5 year old dude who's more or less been taken care of his whole life.

Attempted to talk to brothers to get unfiltered view while they were there... no dice...

little sister's birthday is today, 35 years ago started 8+ years of me constantly taking care of her, then I went to college.

No, i didn't call her, if she feels the way she does about other's birthdays, or at least mine, then well...  they aren't big moments in life so i don't feel too bad.

Yeah.

I carry all the scars.

Healing? yes, or no, or yes they are healed but visible and like people asking, occasions of their happening are kind of unavoidable.

Was thinking a lot about closure today while very fucking slowly, frustratingly so, building bikes... shit i barely made any money today... Closure...  que weekend trigger. At least Al kicked some fucking ass on Mt Washington. Wish I could be happier about it, scars. Fuck them.

Won't hurt so much tomorrow.

Worst part working in a bike shop? Everyone talking about their next bike, ordering their next bike, selling their old bike...  I had Jay pick up my Surly today...  I said hey, pick this up, this is my bike...  he was shocked "Are those tubes full or lead?" yeah no but it drives like a dream, heavy as hell (like me)...
Everyone at the party last night "dude the new 140mm front and rear travel MTB is LIFE CHANGING" that's awesome wacko...  i have no FOMO because I don't have time to ride MTBs... seriously. no time.

No time to ride other stuff.

Yeah end of day. I woke up at 6:30 when E got up to head to BOS to pick up her friend and go do a 5k, because her friend was in Boston today (she's a pilot not based here).  Was awake until about 7am, then woke up at 11am. WTF? DUDE holy shit i was/am/still am/ridiculously so tired. Like if I was to stop drinking coffee I'd need to take two weeks off just to sleep before being functional. Assuming i could survive the headaches...  from past experience it takes 2-3 weeks of tapering to avoid the headaches and lots of naps and then even then still exhausted all the time.

Hmmm...

yeah I ain't got that time now!  I did in 2008 prep'n for 24HOGG, great, another Mt Washington trigger.

talked to one brother for a bit more tonight, was good. He supported my rational for not calling and saying HB...  also filled in some details.

And I reminded him to put his cubed potatoes into some cold water before adding them to the clam chowder he's making (someone dropped off 40-60#s of clams the other day) he cooked them already, now just using some of them for chowder....

got a solid email from a friend tonight, meant a lot to get it...

weather looking shitty for the next week for TT and smackdown, but hopes that it will be clear enough?...  well I hope it is because I kind of am ready to add a bit of pedaling stress...  beyond what is required to make that fucking Surly tank move. Seriously. most old schwinns aren't this heavy, a 3 sp coaster bike is probably lighter than this thing...  but it isn't about the bike.

seriously, it isn't.

I've got good bikes, i need time, maybe I'll find time soon to make it all right again with the fleet.

I don't need new bikes. just a few bits here or there.

And that's a good thing...

because I can manage the few bits, and progress...  I am managing it and making changes and those changes are good... tangible...

most shit isn't, most shit is stuff I can't do anything about...  so if I complain about bikes, at least know that's shit i can fix easily...  at least after I get through stuff I'm struggling with that no one else can help with...

i'm going to sleep maybe, at least gonna unplug for the night.... tomorrow starts another hellish week... high expectations, low compensations...

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a flat screen color TV?
my friends all have 60"s
i'm stuck with a CRT.....

But oddly current ear worm that takes over even than is
"The day that D'arcy's drunken donkey won the race at Donegal"

good song, it was what popped into my head pedaling to and from the shop today....

time to shut this shit off...

if you're lucky enough to read it before I edit it tomorrow? Prop's and lemme know...

the vacuum is quiet, but not deafeningly so due to three friends...

Oh and if you know someone looking for a carbon Trek Emonda...  I can make you a killer deal on some 2017s...  (not free, need money but still... FYI)

heddwch
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morning coffee

re-aggravating the corneal scratch at 2am is fun, putting eye drops in, laying down, in the dark is a bit of a challenge. Then being wide the fuck awake from 4 am until 5:30 and falling soundly asleep only to wake up way later than you'd planned to get up.

Coffee #2 right now.

Re-read the post last night. Made a few edits. Not many. It still stands the way it was written.

I really don't have time to write this morning but I figured if i'm in a neutral to slightly positive mood that would be better to leave words in that frame up here first.

Still haven't finished fixing the Van's front tire. It lost a plug, out of the 8 plugs in those tires losing one? Yeah should probably just get new tires. I got the plug in before it lost all the air, but a bit too low to drive on. Current plan is to take it off, get it over to gas station with air inflator thing (My floor pump doesn't work with the TPMS valves) or buy a compressor (really should just do that) and then put it on the rear. The plug is in the shoulder, guessing the turning was stressing it and popped it out (or in). Tires need to be rotated anyway. Getting new rubber for the winter.  At least we have two cars and currently can manage with just one.

Then there's all the rest on top of it all. Still need to do spark plugs and a accessory belt and oil change, maybe air filter too, probably brake fluid flush and then given how the Power steering pump sounds in the winter a shade tree fluid flush, the chryslers tend to sheer the fluid and make that distinctive sound.  Other car needs an oil change too. Bikes need work. And maybe I'm going to ride?

When I have time lately I'm so fucking tired, mentally and physically that I'm kind of a useless lazy lump.

But I will catch up. And will look at starting to block off a couple days at a time in the coming weeks. Unfortunately likely not next week.

But now I'm burning into my building time.

Time to get on the bike and ride.... to the shop.

heddwch
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single digits are the best

so far current count is less than 10 for the last dozen posts...
assuming the google page view tally is right but...  that's okay with me

I need to write about the TT. Post TT glow was awesome, invigorated and energized and then on the ride home that orlando dude (in the see through white columbia speed suit on a bike with the deep section wheels he uses to pass people on the shoulder with on smackdowns after missing the start of the ride meeting about how shit will be run) decides to half wheel the guy who's got a brain but that it turns off when he's pedaling, and suddenly we're riding home from the TT at 30 MPH....

um... nope

at least I had company..

I've managed to transition from one of the best frames of mind and happy places i've felt in very long time (months if not a year or more) into fuck all this shit bullshit pissed off tired dejected and useless in a span of less than 24hrs.

that ride home was not part of the transition, the ride home was awesome.

Introducing a new rider who had the same reaction as some Amy D ride at the first rehoboth TT, that was gratifying.

having everything go fucking pear shaped and me feeling even more tired than I did on the 4th? not good.

The list of shit on the plate i've gotta deal with is insane. I'm tired. Day off? nope. Everyone's taking a week or two...  i'm looking at nonstop still....  i've taken a day here, a day there, two over there maybe but usually only because I'm working somewhere else. Trying to feed/fuel on the positive....  working somewhat. But the unexpected is just that.

Unexpected reconnection with friends then suddenly they are off hanging with people that juts thinking about them cause severe PTSD...  there's emotional trauma that is as bad as physical BTW.

Today's trigger was someone traveling from the west coast here and then being unable to go to work the next day because they were so exhausted...  and me thinking about 2013 flying back...  red eye, no sleep on the plane, got to work early, worked till lunch, unable to sleep the next night. Yeah, traveling from the west coast to the east coast is tough. And yeah, i've been doing it since 1980. You do the fucking math.

FWIW, it is NEVER worth taking a red eye flight from the west coast to the east coast. Never.

Don't do it, or at least don't plan on being productive afterwards unless you're not tired when you get on the plane but that's maybe my problem. Rarely and esp after Seattle Concerts am i not tired.

TT? I was slow. Bike was slow, I was doing okay and keeping it in the 22-24 mph avg range going onto reynolds and then 18...  fuck me, come on legs....  Did the whole Obree breathing thing (it helped) but that bike ain't fast...  and neither am I. But I had fun and it was well worth the $5 price of admission....

Before I rode in this morning I was ready to go, time to start training. Today? Fuck, I'm tired. Ride home? HOLY SHIT FUCK THIS SHIT....

Rolling along the route, the wave of familiarity washed. I know these roads, the bumps, what's coming next, where to look up, where to put your head down, when to pedal, when to coast.

Another point came up, you can ride this course two ways, with brute force or with brains. I've only ever had the latter and that's even a stretch. I've had brilliant advice drilled into me, and somehow managed to leverage it when I was fast. The brute force guys seem to approach the TT very differently. Makes me wonder, if they rode it as smart as I did, they'd fucking KILL IT. I have no watts, just momentum and well adjusted bearings, and really shitty equipment.

I'm personally fascinated as to how amazingly shit turned from dark to light and wonderful back to dark again...

Aint no time to dwell...  dinner is close to being ready, got it going between words...

Tomorrow gotta long list of stuff to tick off...

sunday the same, monday, yeah that too, oh tuesday? totally booked, wed? shit yeah that too...  thursday? well I'm sure Monday will fuck thursday, friday's already giving me the finger and that leads us into Saturday without any time to catch up on mid-week deliveries at the shop and well...  lets start this all over again.

keeping busy...

at least there is that...

keeping everyone else afloat...

maybe i'll go to Colorado at the end of September and totally put a red hot brand on not racing CX this year at all...   Because that's what it is looking like....

I told you shit wasn't good in this instantaneous moment...

but i know i'll keep putting one foot infront of the other and doing what I can...

some day maybe it'll work out...

heddwch
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strangeness

Strangeness eh? Yeah is odd, how does one figure it all out or then give up trying to figure it out and then shit falls into place?

That whole one foot in front of the other? The forest of darkness can’t last forever as long as you keep your bearings and keep going. Lose your bearings or give up and then the darkness consumes you. Keep going, in the face of everything, always keep going, because. That’s what.

I mean specifically it has been pretty dark, but lately, following the bearings, weathering the darkness…  it feels so much better right now.

I hate to say it that I might have been happy. Yesterday was a great day, unexpected trip up to Gillette was close to undermining it but an extra IPA at home was a solid compensator. In spite of the frustration with the corneal scratch things have been, well, getting better and better. Still tons of stuff that I need to resolve, gotta call Uncle Tommy in MI, gotta call my Dad. Could call now, but it is 8:30pm and i’m a couple beers in and super fucking tired. Brain barely functional enough to write words.

This was started last night at GIllette stadium, not THAT much time to write after walking back to the car during a 10k. Trying to finish now, while having a beer. This keeps me from bugging friends or jumping into shit on Twitter.

Naps today, I took a nap or two. So Fucking TIRED. But only in exhausted not the other possible way to be tired.  Skipped the party, but still made the coleslaw. I got done making it and just kind of shut down. In light of what I’m facing going back to the picture factory the next three days (double and triple trainings and I’m usually wrecked with one, this will be fun).

The prospect of talking to people and being at a party, no matter the food or beverage right now felt way too overwhelming.

And of course the booms have started and the little pig dog is terrified and shaking in the bathroom. if she could find a sound proof box to hide in she would. Poor little puppy. I take breaks and go console her….  

I’m still no closer to feeling motivated enough to carve out time to actually train and attempt to get faster. I’d get the paramount all ready but I stole the seatpost out of that to make the SSCX Surly 1x1 rideable. And the rear disc cover has pretty much completely fallen apart. It is held together with duct tape, and not very well at this point. Good by aero. But the distance and the effort isn’t terrible. Going at it cannibal style probably is pretty much good enough. the Aero advantage is completely wasted on me at this point.  We’ll see if I can get a bike together for it by Thursday morning when I have to ride in.

Could be working on that right now but def not feeling it. at all. back to the tired thing. But satisfaction level is higher than in a very long time. So meh, it is what it is. At least I’m still riding and riding the SSCX means I’m always being challenged if not at high cadences at least at low cadences so strength has to be maintained just to make it to work. It isn’t the worst way to baseline it all.

Esp since the bike weighs 40 pounds. Shit maybe I should just TT on that thing. Maybe there’ll be a SS canibal fendered commuter category. #jokes.

ok, we’ll see what happens with the TT. No smackdown this week, maybe I’ll make it back out for next week. We’ll see what the throw of the dice brings.

heddwch

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what better on the 4th than food

and hell it is hot enough might as well make some cool coleslaw...

I've put up a recipe before.... here's today's iteration

Finely slice (first in half and then from tip to roots so you have ribbons) 1 large vidalia (or other sweet or not sweet onion).

Put sliced onions in cold water, rinse and drain a handful of times while you finely chop (yes motherfuckers chop this shit yourself, get a knife and just fucking do it)

while you finely slice up on large head of cabbage.

head of cabbage goes in bowl. some salt, and today I actually poured about 1/2 cup of Grillo's Pickle juice in there as extra brine/flavor.

massage and toss well (with your hands)

peel and then grate 4 large carrots into the cabbage.

finely julienne one cubanelle pepper and then cut into about matchstick lengths.

now drain the onions and squeeze as much liquid out of them as you can and toss it in the big bowl you have everything else in. Yeah you'll need a big bowl for this recipe.

Massage it all together, a couple times, get the salt and bring and ingredients all well integrated....

dust the top of the veg with some celery seed (more if you really like it, less if not but always need just  a tiny bit IMHO).

That can sit for now, or for days in the fridge before dressing it. Or you dress it NOW and do the same. shit, like i've said before, will keep for weeks in the fridge, but it won't last more than a couple days.

Dressing? Lots of variations here, but I really prefer the vinaigrette style slaw. that creamy shit just doesn't do it for me, far too sweet and yucky...  and this way you can make all your vegan friends love you....    and proudly serve a gluten free dish....

which is all dumb, food has to taste good first, plenty fit into those two categories w/o needing the label, and yes i'm not disrespecting those who chose either of those two particular lifestyles, duh, just yeah i dunno what i'm doing.

Dressing: 1 tablespoon of some german mustard, 1/2 teaspoon of mustard powder, some balsalmic, rice wine and apple cider vinegar, close to equal portions totalling between 1/2 and 2/3 of a cup. Shake well (i use jars I have for this purpose). Then I double the vinegar volume plus a bit more using some extra virgin olive oil. Shake the heck out of it, dump it all on the coleslaw.

Mix well.

Let it sit, then enjoy.

heddwch
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