I'm looking at my strava year in review and looking at the mileage... so close to 5,000 miles... but while I was riding in I don't think I can close the gap and make that mark.
Hours are a bit down from last year. But then again I kind of had to do nothing for 3 weeks...But the Reddiyo program got me up pushing the time and effort lately. So there's some good stuff. And a big elevation peak at the beginning of August.
It has been an overwhelming week (last 7 days). But unknowns are falling into place and we'll all get through this... Everyone's boosted so we should be okay but it's gonna be tough with some mandatory travel. Maybe just stress but hey, the baseline is so high right now that every little bit matters.
Cold enough this morning that I wore the Wolfhammers. JF4-JF5 (Jens Factor, y'all remember the chart right?) Heavy as hell but warm as a ... um winter boot should be.
The intro here - inspirational and all and yeah... a reminder... Hopefully I can summon that level energy at the end of this week.
When you have an hour to sit and watch a music documentary check this out. One of these days I'll get to sit down and watch it start to finish instead of in bits and pieces.
I'm gonna work on harnessing that energy for the rest of the day and try and fit a week's work into two days.
or just a day with random shovels of poop flung in my direction that I can't dodge but at least can dance enough not to have to deal with it immediately, but no escaping needing to deal with it
Jake Wells brought that up way back in some video or another, at least that's how I remember it.
I keep coming back to it.
What does sponsorship mean regarding that.
Some of the best pro's don't win but you know them well.
How many races has Lachlan won? A lot for sure, but why are we drawn to that character of his? The winning side or the joy and engagement and for the inspiration and motivation he gives everyone?
In one Tweet Jake said "My hope is to inspire and motivate"
In this film lach has a few passages that stuck, first:
It's always measures of success, right?
Your own measures of success, other people's measures of success, your sponsors. I'm always like evaluating what that means.
As hard as it was to give up personal ambitions for the race, that ultimately led to a much more successful week.
If we'd stayed focused on chasing results, we would have missed the point totally.
How many miss the point totally?
And then this one, kind of unrelated but good and humble and words to guide one's life by:
You never think of yourself as an experienced rider because the years pass really quickly and youre like, oh wait i've been professional for like nearly 10 years.
I was always wary of people who would be always trying to give you advice because they are generally like people who are just trying to insert themself and make themself important.
SO I just try to lead by example, i guess.
And let me say this - when i've offered advice, my motivations are to help, not insert myself or for any self gain. I want to give you this to help you, unfortunately it is so rare, and for so long I was so bad at communicating this, and given it isn't normal, it is rarely well received. Hard to offer help.
So lately, a lot, i've held back.
not easy for me, and people struggle, but the reality is lots of people really just don't want to listen or learn, there's youtube videos on how to everything now, surely that's enough to get help from a stranger in your phone.
DAMNIT - i was all super inspired and positive until I hit that last bit... fucking hell...
Ah well.
planning on trying to watch this soon might be too mt bikey for most but i'm looking forward to it
slept pretty well last night. Went to bed well before 10pm, thought I was awake the whole time till i had to get rid of the water I'd consumed but it was midnight. Slept right up until the dog started barking at 7am.
I don't think I moved. Hard to tell if the lingering headache is just left over from not getting enough coffee or if it is something more dangerous. Aka covid. Am I tired from an emotionally and physically draining week? Or sick? When I felt okay this week, was I just at Peak Coffee?
Realized that I have been kind of slowly incrimentally upping the coffee consumption... probably masking the fatigue and then this morning waking up at 6 but then going back to sleep for a bit made me realize, yeah, maybe there's a bucket of fatigue hiding in there. certainly lots going on.
of course it could also be the omicron variant, who knows, currently deciding to lay low today, like last sunday. Need to finish the book, listening to the book. Kid already finished it, i'm only 1/3 of the way through Leviathan Falls.
It has been a rough week, maybe a good quarrantine will be what I need...
Since i need it i'm probably just tired not actually sick.
First cup of coffee is actually working wonders.
chemicals are amazing eh?
addictions are fabulously controlling
I know i sound a bit dark lately - i am but i'm okay, nothing to do really - work through it, nothing to change...
i was thinking maybe it would be a good day to head to the shop, but this enegry level and mental fatigue is a bit too much... i know i need some good mechanical therapy but maybe i can channel that by working on my bikes. The surly drive train is fucking abysmally trashed. Got it to skip once on Wednesday night. The chainring is def getting shark toothed and I think the freewheel is actually wearing a bit. The chain might be stretched a mile long. But if I'm taking all that out I should really do the bearings on the rear hub too, there is some play in there and I don't think an adjustement will fix it. But maybe.
But it is raining and the bike room has too many bikes in it to work in there so if anything I'll just gather freewheel and parts for the drivetrain. I have a big fat high tooth cog for the Surly, maybe it is time to stop riding to work at 50 rpm cadence when i'm taking it easy and if i need to go more than 15mph maybe i just need to spin like a crazy person.
there's also a big 4 hr ride tomorrow that i want to go do, a really bad idea but a great idea and a much needed something...
Refilled coffee, all set for a few more minutes.
Knee has been doing great though. occasionally if in the wrong angle for too long it gets achy but no longer functionally limiting, that's nice. Not fully back but best it has been since June.
And the new offset dropper post will be showing up next week. Exciting.
I'm not liking the fat face guy in the Dirtwire video, two options figure out how to drop the weight (been rock solid steady at 225 for a long time) or grow the beard back, white hairs and all. or both until i can get rid of the extra 20. It is only 10%, not a huge amount, you'd think i'd have it dialed and figured out by now, but yeah, no. But also maybe, could do both with the goal of shaving those white whiskers back off once i hit the mark.
Embrace being hungry again eh? Mostly just need to up the protein levels a little and cut back on calories. Extended fasts are great for somethings, not so much for me and weight lost. my body has gotten too good at slowing down.
I've been on a Leica Q2M binge reading reviews lately... not sure why, they all say the same thing, it is amazing, it is transformative and so sensitive and so sharp and so so different than shooting in color and making it black and white. Um yeah, i FUCKING KNOW... yet i still read what others say.
Scientific imaging, sensor size, speed, going from CCD to CMOS all the different ways to do it... the massive photon loss when using a bayer mask, someday maybe. Should have bout the camera instead of this shifty squishy bike. Of course I'm also thinking maybe I should have just gone for the Firefly Hardtail MTB as my 50th present to myself... others have done that... Can't think of any custom bike i'd like to have more than that at this moment. Build it up with a Fox 36 with 130-140mm, some of those Hayes Dominion T2s, White Industry cranks, wheels? that would be the question... 150-170mm dropper
shit i think i just caught myself dreaming...
of course it is about bikes... just like me dreaming about a Klein back in 1990-91...
i'd like to go off on CX Nats and how bad all that shit is that's going on there but, hey i'm not there and I'm sure they are trying as hard as they can but man, same problems as always, really good hard course for the pro's is not compatible with the AG races, and then packing too many races into the schedule, plus weather making it slower, all in all a totally predictable disaster.
How to fix it? Dunno. But if we're sticking with December maybe some of the racing needs to be at night, under the lights. I mean we all love racing CX at night, seriously, it is fucking fun as hell, if you haven't you should. Big time party booster too.
I'm sure someone will have a counter argument to that, even if the counter argument is "That's dumb" likley "too expensive"
Whatever.
Now i'm rambling and not getting the book listened too.
better close up - anyway - if you haven't seen it go watch
productive and shit but still, just plugging along
I think maybe i'm at the point where i'm not really all that tired, getting sleep and shit... nice change, still need to cut back on the coffee... but fuck it... whatever, it is all I got left
DKM dropped a new video today
Good as Gold
that's all i got been in my own head about my dad... it isn't helping much
Instead of letting all the bad news and dire predictions and desperate conditions and potential for really shitty stuff to come, oh and climate change, sort of roll off, or at least not sink in, be a dark fog but not really coalesce...
That shit is all additive right now, at least not exponentially.
I know what to do to get through, just keep getting through, i have a list of shit to get done, meetings, tasks, you know, stuff...
have to get through it, hour by hour day by day, eventually something will make a spark of that fucking shit and will feel good and build back up.
but right now?
it is less than good and I have to take a break from hanging out with internet friends, where they hang out, even if i feel like a fucking unwanted outsider most of the time there's enough history that it is familiar.
It was cold this morning on the ride in. Heart rate was below zone 1 (as defined by reddiyo) most of the whole ride.
I'm calm, not terribly tired, but sigh... not feeling it...
Finally getting the post CX season depression? I dunno...
Was awesome seeing that Gunnar S won, that guy is a fucking legend.
So many, so tough, how to we move forward other than just moving forward.
A memory of me and Shoogs at Ice Weasels at the Mental hospital venue in 2018 triggered a bunch of tears that morning. I went in and checked his last blog post, read it, and yeah both our dads were still around then. And I wound up sort of revisiting the differences, how one of the first things to go was his mobility, and his speech and communication side followed quickly. He was there inside, just too so much work to actually say anything.
And again I was reminded how fucking few photos there are of the two of us together. Most of them are me taking the photo, driving. Or something.
Yesterday I spent the morning at the Gallery space, really it is in memory of him, and I wish like hell he was still here to go through this show process with me, wish he was here to give me his thoughts and logic for collecting the samples, but that's lost. I just have his writing on the card I sent identifying each vial.
I'm excited about the show, it is bigger and more intense than any of the others. But it is the progression and I think everything i've learned doing the previous ones has helped.
My Dad would have turned 83 tomorrow.
Kid is working on trying to figure out her path. She's doing well, but you know she's my kid because her confidence and self doubt are pretty strong, it helps drive her but sometimes I think maybe it would be nice if she could see herself w/o seeing all her flaws. Granted I think you could probably say the same about me, then where would I be.
Not enough time to get on the scopes to redo some images, or tweak the settings on the new systems, but enough time to answer emails and watch this: https://www.redbull.com/int-en/films/progression and think about how we can make this place (planet) better for the young women in sport and in life. I mean it really is just this country's abject racism and sexism. You can be a nice person and still be both. I've seen far too many of those types of men. I'm working hard at not being that, it isn't easy, but I think it is possible for me and impossible for others. But then that is slipping down the slope of some bigger issues I really don't know how to solve. So I focus on those I can help, support, motivate... care for. And be an example...
of what? i dunno... Chatting with friends who's kids ride... it is honestly tough that neither of them have really pushed towards competitive bikes or just riding more than transport, but if it is just for transport, well... fuck it that's awesome.
Been thinking about what ifs lately too, yeah i know, bad idea... but what if I'd been able to quit drinking on the 2nd of January 2014? What then? Was as close to just closing my eyes forever at the start of that year, but somehow I didn't, but I don't think i had more than a few days sober between then and 2018... And here I am. Still. Trying. To. Figure. It. Out.
I've got lots of work to do. Everywhere, on everything. And I'm going to try not to finish lunch TOO early today. I'm out of emergency snacks.
Captain oblivious here, started reading Wandering Earth, Finished the Mountain and was like how the fuck are these two related and how is the author going to tie this in...
oh... it is a collection of stories, not a novel..
And since the 30th i've been refreshing the library for Leviathan Falls a couple (four) times a day... nothing, nothing, nothing...
middle of the workout... click refresh HOLY SHIT THERE IT IS
END LOAN on the W.E. (lots of people waiting, i'll come back to it at some point)
TIME FOR SOME END OF TIMES WRAP UP SHIT. I might even get through it before the final season shows up on the Amazon Prime thing.
Guess I should get ready for tomorrow, like eat after the workout... and find all my shit. Have to leave fucking EARLY tomorrow.
"Sure, it is a long drive, sign up for two races to make it worth while"
idiot... sigh... it'll be fun. Am NOT bringing the tent, i'll have too much stuff as it is with all the extra bikes and shit.
Can you imagine this song performed live with everyone singing and playing on the track? I am getting euphoric just thinking about it. Like. I'm laughing with joy just imaging it.
So yeah, it is the last track on the album. I listened to it start to finish.
I took today off, might start some laundry now. But will, absolutely, w/o question, cue this playlist up again. I keep meaning to buy the CD but what do I play it on. For now adblocker and YT works on the desktop/laptop.
Y'all have a great day. Ice Weasels is tomorrow. Last CX of the year for me. Racing twice. Still back and forth on taking one, two or three bikes. There's a ton of sand so the big 3" tires would be awesome, however the gearing is pretty light for a CX race and I'm NOT spending today fucking with it.
that big S streaming service that underpays artists but has an unrivaled catalog is doing the 2021 wrapped already...
Fuck December right? no one wants to know what you listen to this month... or something.
But it was a big year for music, a few huge bands dropped new music and a lot of it was insanely good. If you combine my listening of the new Mighty Mighty Bosstones album between Youtube, YoutubeMusic and spotify... well that's a fuck shit ton of on repeat of that album.
Remember when i found those two 10mm sockets? Yeah, I was listening to that album on repeat.
I mean when WASN'T I listening to it? Probably 24HOGG because i didn't listen to anything there.
This morning I fucked around on the S trying to figure a few things out - I don't use the mobile app just the desktop one and it is different. but also annoying because if you have the mobile on and the desktop it gets all fucked up and confused and yeah maybe only cause i have a free account.
Anyway... I looked for a few artists I wanted to listen to on Bandcamp, they weren't there so I just cued up C89.5 and boom it was New Wave with DJ Trent Von. And I got working and then went to get up to head down the hall for something and a remix of the Eurythmics Sweet Dreams came on and well... I sure as hell wasn't going anywhere till that song was done.
that song reminds me of Maryland in the summer. Spending a month at my Dad's house. We listened to the radio a bit and the summer of 1983 no one could get enough of that song. it was played all the time and no one got tired of it. Well I'm sure someone did but I didn't.
So now long after the day is pulled me thin and worn me out... I'm cuing up remix after remix.
And yeah. The OG from 83 sounds like a remix no? Hard to top that but some give it enough of a modern twist to make the song fresh or just a tiny bit better/different.
So far I like this one
But then, I haven't really found one I don't like. But there are too many to listen to and too much work to do.
Was here way too late getting shit sorted on the system upgrade. And then, well, meant I was home late and needed to make dinner, got that done at nearly 8pm... still hadn't done the workout... an hour, only an hour, but there was some hard z4 and z5 work and i knew that if i ate first it would be bad, but if I ate after that means eating cold food after 9pm and then trying to turn around and get some sleep... that has never worked out. The night before I got home a bit early, did the workout and then made dinner and it was good.
That whole athlete lifestyle is fucking elusive and 100% incompatible with my life. I guess maybe if someone else was making dinner every night or even some of the nights it could work to be more like that...
I'm also in a kind of funk... odd that the cloud has drifted back after so long. but not unexpected. Maybe getting out of here early and getting a workout in tonight will make a difference.
Probably not but worth a shot.
or not...
Fuck
Oh well, time to pull up the socks and head out the door. Had a nice headwind this morning, the tall gear on the SS Surly is perfect for tailwind days, not so much for headwinds. We'll see what is really out there (conflicting weather reports - could just be swirling winds or some other bullshit). If i leave right the fuck now i might beat the rain. But guessing that by the time I'm ready it'll be raining.
That's why there are fenders on the bike.
FUCK - replied to work email and the big green blob moved overhead between writing the last sentence, sending the email and returning here.
Amor Fati Motherfucker - at least maybe the bike path will be empty.
I should have maybe put in the ear buds and listened to a book, or music, to quiet the voices in my head.
But I didn't.
And the other part in that outside story:
it can be tough to date when you are trying to stay sober. “I mean, you can date other recovering alcoholics, but then you have two broken people,” he told me. He tried dating anyway, thinking he was solid enough in his sobriety that he could have water while whoever he was with sipped wine.
That didn't click until I was riding in, thinking about family, my dad...
and the realization that I've had more or less a lifetime of an example of how to be sober around people who were drinking.
My Dad was that example.
He lost his family, he was really close to losing his job, and probably his life, from all the alcohol. He was never sober. Columbia Beer and Old Crow. The cheapest of the cheap.
But later, at dinners with the in-laws or others and later while we were all drinking (my brothers), he was always cool and polite and comfortable while those around him consumed. Even taking pleasure in buying us beer when we visited. He always still knew where the best prices were and when to go.
And so this morning the ride in, that realization... my Dad had given me all the fucking tools I needed to survive as a sober person in a world that drinks and celebrates alcohol was too much.
And I'm back to blinking back tears.
reminding me of:
This story that got to me on monday. Not sure if it is paywalled or not, i was able to read it. in the most public setting and fortunately no one was around that I had to talk to or could witness my grief and sorrow after reading it.
Notice the common theme... the bike...
Since forever, I might suck as a racer, we've been over reasons why, mechanic brain, over developed sense of self preservation, too much other stress, not living like an athlete, genetic limitations, really shitty timing, injuries (rare but significant, knee in 2013, back 2021)... nothing but obstacles...
but in the face of all that... I still keep coming back to it.. and I'm grateful it is there for me
It is behind the Outside+ paywall but, well Resultsboy's marketing scheme got me to sign up for the full + membership so I can read it, but to honor the author I won't reproduce it. It is long.
It is about alcoholism, and bikes, and there's some tough stuff to read in there, but it is a good read and a story worthy of the time spent.
so much, about fire and the landscape, about the process, about riding, about working on the trails, about being there..
about so much...
One of the bigger impacts was realizing just how negative conquering is, as a word, as implication.. as a way to live.
CB's words at the beginning and end are powerful, Micheli O is amazing and impressive...
This hits hard right in the motivation and inspriration box.
It also punches me really hard in the gut. These super impactful MTB films are all from areas my Dad has strong ties to, and in turn I do. But never connected by the mountain bike, always other means and yet, they are some of the most amazing places to ride a bike, the most remote, some of what seem like they could be the most personally rewarding places to ride...
And I haven't been able to share that with him, never had the chance connect with him both on his terms and my own but together. He knew the local endurance MTB race promoter, knew him well, suggested I come ride my MTB out there, but that was 2013-2014... a mtb was the furthest thing from my mind at that point, I was still massively in debt, still struggling in so many other ways, getting a new bike (other than that $300 surly i'm looking at right now) was not not even a dream.
Yet here I am. Probably forever haunted, but hopefully I can learn from this, somehow.
And yes, I'm still at the remote location. The sun is setting, it still isn't finished, i've managed to be productive but there's still an extra day or two of work that should have all gotten done today that has to melt into other days.
But such is life, what to do about it?
I might dump the other vids in a separate post as just links if you're looking to watch a nice sequence of MTB stuff...
nothing's going quite as well as could be hoped, nothing isn't catastrophic tho, just annoyingly taking forever to happen...
so i've been catching up, between emails.
Only took 4 hours to get through the first round, and the replies are coming in slowly and irregularly while I sit down here at the remote location, in the lobby, w/o lunch, while the field service engineer does the stuff, and while I'm here unable to go anywhere until he's done.
So I watched some more MTB films. They were great. I'll link em all here soon enough, just not right now.
Maybe a bit rough.. still barely processing my Dad's passing. Then was told last week that we won't hear it from my mother (but heard it from my brother) her doctor said with hear heart condition the life expectancy is 3-5 years. And that's just fucking terrifying.
But what to do, how to keep going? Can't seem to get her to slow down much. She rests then goes and has a monster marathon day and feels exhausted for a few days and we keep saying slow down, you're not recovered yet... tough that she's all the way over there. But I'm grateful that there isn't more than one Yuletide concert/weekend. It is tough not being there but they are all smaller shows that other people have put on and not the big Tacoma/Seattle/Mt Vernon/Bellevue weekend. So instead of heading out now I'm hoping to fly out for a bit in January. Need to work on keeping a week open though, esp as I'm already scheduling for that month.
Crossresults updated and well I beat the predictor by 5, and I didn't realize how close I was to JB in the end, but I gave all that I could and it was only just enough for what I did. I formally suck at cross. But I still like it. Was thinking on the ride in that maybe I should just take the cx bike, forget bringing the other bikes... race the single in the age group and the singlespeed race same bike even if the MTB is the better choice and gears in race one would be a better idea.
Trying something new, but since there are a lot of these recipes out there I want to get it down this morning before I forget. I made something at one point that was amazing and was told to make sure i make it the same way again and it was so simple I was sure not to forget...
and I forgot. of course. second time wasn't the same... close but not the same...
Fluffy, light, and easy-to-make, Cornmeal Pancakes are a tasty twist on classic pancakes. | One Bowl Recipe. No buttermilk. No need to whip egg whites!
Prep Time 10 minutes Cook Time 20 minutes Total Time 30 minutes
Servings 4 people
Ingredients 1 cup finely ground cornmeal (5 ounces cornmeal; 142 grams) 1 cup all-purpose flour (4 ½ ounces; 127 grams) 3 tablespoons granulated sugar (1 ⅓ ounces 38 grams) 1 tablespoon baking powder ½ teaspoon salt 2 large eggs (out of shell: about 4 ounces; 113 grams) 1 cup milk (8 ounces; 226 grams) ¼ cup vegetable oil Nonstick cooking spray or vegetable oil for greasing the griddle
For Serving
Butter Maple syrup
Instructions
Make the Batter. Whisk cornmeal, flour, granulated sugar, baking powder, and salt together in a medium mixing bowl. Add the eggs, milk, and vegetable oil. Whisk until smooth.\
Heat the Griddle. Lightly oil a nonstick griddle. Heat griddle over medium-high heat. P
Cook the Pancakes. Pour batter, approximately ¼ cup, onto griddle. Batter should sizzle when it hits the pan. Cook for approximately 3 minutes. Flip pancakes when bubbles appear all over the surface of the pancake and begin to pop. The pancake should begin to look almost dry. Flip and cook another 1 to 1 ½ minutes.
Serve. Serve with butter and syrup, if desired.
Keep Pancakes Warm: To keep warm, preheat oven to 200 degrees F. Place cooked pancakes on a parchment-lined baking sheet.
Major substitutions:
Butter instead of oil (melted in pan to cook em in then mixed in at last) Added vanilla added flaxmeal
Soaked the cornmeal in the milk overnight.
Doubled the recipe and used 5 med eggs
Also unlike other pancakes I make, I am going to cook them all up instead of save batter for cooking tomorrow. These are pretty fluffy and if put back in fridge I think the baking powder will lose the ability to make em fluffy and then that wouldn't be good.
These are pretty fluffy, and yeah, I put the sugar in. And no, I didn't use whole wheat flour, the whole grain corn felt like enough w/o using whole wheat.
that day, the National day of Mourning, also known as Thanksgiving...
I've done the full massive cook everything myself and make it all perfect and come out just right and the timing and all that for years in a row, I've completely mailed it in, and let others do it all. It is a holiday about food, rarely focused on the actual harvest or the giving of thanks for what has been provided.
That was yesterday, got the tires done, what a fucking difference. Wow. Amazing how they got that bad so quickly. But then again, yeah, not really surprised. Whatever, that's an easy one to move forward from.
Car is so quiet right now, amazing. Crazy really. Nice when things have an immediate and noticeable impact.
Got the Top Fuel aka Shifty Squishy bike back together. Letting the locktite on the crownrace set. Didn't want to ride it. Need to order that seat post soon. But ready to go other than that.
Hit the grocery store after, forgot a few things, kept getting distracted by checking out the window that the bike was still on the roof of the car. Yup. Still there.
Made it home, unloaded and did something else, dunno what, got horizontal for a minute, might have closed my eyes, then got on the trainer and THEN cooked dinner. Shocking change, but then getting home at 3:30 instead of 6pm, well there's a fuckton more time when that happens.
Watched first part of a terrible movie. Got things sorted for silly early morning departure by the other two for another official college visit. Then woke up, made coffee and thought "hey i have those old Rocket Rons, my favorite old tubeless tread/tires, I should put them on the carbon wheels"
I tried to do that. Yeah, fuck that. My air compressor doesn't have enough volume or flow to make it work. Sadly. Those were really the best tires but man are they a MASSIVE pain to install. I think I usually blew them off the rim installing them now that I remember it. It got to the point where I'd have the wheel in the workstand and not holding it and I'd turn my back on it when inflating it. There's a fine line between getting enough air in there fast enough to seat the bead and making sure the bead is even and won't blow off.
After that messy fail I put the Mamba CX back on the front and dug out the old X-One from BlancoSuave that I bought when I got those Nanos and Riddler. Thought about putting the Nanos on but not for that long.
Got the X-one seated more easily than the Rocket Ron but only just. Def needed compressed air. The Mamba CX? Floor pump was enough to seat that thing.
Getting spoiled with the Hutchinson and Bontrager tires. That said the modern shit is all better than the stuff even 5 years ago.
AND since I am worried about how well it is seated I rode that bike in. Into the wind. The 2:1 gear was a very nice change from the Surly. Esp going into the wind. Rear tire has a tiny lump in it, maybe it'll sort itself out, maybe not. Dunno. But it held air (I packed the Mamba CX that came off with me just in case). Solobreak's point about the commute, and the singlespeed - the lighter gear on this one is nice and def easier on the knees...
but no fenders. I know, i know - time to change the gear on the Surly. Yeah, it is on the list.
Kind of sitting here dismayed but not shocked, the news that is splashing everywhere is just another piece of evidence in the pile. It hurts to be honest. Oh to be unburdened by all this...
Step one - close twitter.
Step two - go do some much needed and critical imaging.
I was going to write about the races yesterday while hanging out at the tire place, but that didn't happen and then Wacko showed up and we talked for a while. Short of it: over-geared is better to go head to head with geared riders but it still sucks, day two on light gear after shredding yourself on the too hard gear is even worse esp when the tires were slipping on the grease on slick from the morning moisture. It was fucking hero dirt an hour after our race. Velcro by the last couple races. Oh well wrong tires AND wrong gear. it kind of sucked. But I saw lots of people. Chatted with others, met some new folks, introduced others to the orange jumpsuit. it was a good weekend.
But this morning? After starting the whole mess with the tires, I discovered one of the dogs had peed under the table and it had all moved under the plastic storage boxes... wrecked a few other things but mostly just was getting stinkier and stinkier. That took over an hour to get cleaned up, once I cleaned one section I discovered it had moved over into another under the next set of boxes and on and on and on, and all that and I'm still smelling it. maybe partly also smelling Stans Race sealant... Dunno but I don't like it.
Also if you want a pocket saw, let me know, i have a few extra, if you're super nice I might even give you one of the arborist ones. Lemme know.
I almost tossed the extra cliff bars that were in the bag i took yesterday into the commuter pack, but i thought, nah, I have enough lunch.
yeah, nope. But then again, can't work on getting rid of these extra kgs if I don't cut calories somewhere. Time to embrace being hungry? Maybe. Not supposed to do that on the day before you race twice.
In a row.
Yeah I am pulling a Griggs, racing Masters and then SSCX. Unlike Derek I'll be doing it on the same SS bike. Makes me want to get a new fancy cx bike, with gears and stuff. AKA not rim brakes and something other than 10speed. Maybe next year. Maybe there will be bikes to buy then.
probably not... so i'll just keep doing dumb stuff... and putting one foot in front of the other.
to the intersection of passion, talent, opportunity...
timing
life
the words written there over on Stevil's page about Mark S's passing
what is life?
what are experiences?
Shared? private what is ones legacy?
I remember realzing so many fucking years ago... what you leave behind is you, your imprint, you gain immortality by being carried along in the memories of those you touched, few of us have an impact beyond a generation, almost none of us do, but everyone born, that grows up around others, leaves some sort of imprint, good or bad, it is something.
I was going to leave, I got my shoes on, HRM on, i think i turned the Wahoo on...
and brain just wouldn't stop. Allan via Adam, has pushed the brain into some crazy deep introspective loop...
It isn't warm outside, it is dark, I have a workout to do when I get home and dinner to make in some order or the other
but i'm sitting here thinking
but dissipating now, perhaps this was enough to be able to move forward
it needs to be, it's now later and the words aren't flowing, more or less weaving back and forth not sure where to go or what is going on...
lost? adrift? a waste?
no anchor? maybe that's everything that has always been my problem... i don't have an anchor, no mooring, yet I haven't moved much since I first raced Eco-cross way back... heading there Saturday... racing twice... not sure what to do, how to go forward...
i want to hit play on all the voicemails i have saved from my dad, to hear his voice again, but everytime I go to look at them... i stop, i don't hit play...
time to pedal, time to let the wind be the only sound I hear and my knee to mark every pedal stroke
There is a hell of a lot to unpack and absorb in there. getting towards the 1:26 mark kind of resonated more than the rest... the whole bit of performing being like bike racing, to pull it in further that's where I am with teaching now, and trainings. There's this kind of all in time to go lets see what happens, and one hell of a lot of hard work going into to what can seem like an effortless and solid performance.
If you've caught any of my results this year, well my racing has been absolutely anything but that, it has been tortuous, frustrating, mechanically challenged, and life has just not stopped throwing stuff to deal with.
It is time to ride home in the dark.
Maybe i'll have a chance to write some more tomorrow while i'm at the tire place waiting... cars are expensive and unexpectedly so sometimes.
Not even two years old and the fucking tires are trash. Bad roads? maybe. Alignment? maybe... hopefully these new tires do a little better.
Time to torture my knees with a nice singlespeed ride... i think i really need to pull the geared bike out and make it work again - this constant overgeared is not helping recovery. go figure
Yeah that's totally enough food. Um no it isn't says the version of me in the 2-5pm timeslot before getting on the bike to ride home super hungry, and then I'm supposed to get on the trainer for an hour?
This is gonna be interesting.
I should write about the races this weekend and the crazy and the stuff... the stuff after finding the frozen bottom bracket, and all the rest.
I should also sign up for the rest of the races.
And the rest.
maybe tomorrow i'll pack more lunch
but probably not
we'll see
also waking up at 5am is overrated
i'd like to sleep in more but the last week, well, the DOGS now also think that 5am is time to wake up and go outside, and well..
Dune is finished... That epic saga, the tome and a pinnacle off scifi... I've read it before but well over 30 years ago now. That shitty movie edition clouded my memory of the book, but in the same way it was so different from the book that it almost felt unrelated.
That weird state of mind after finishing a book. Esp a good one absorbed so obsessively.
Got home with some daylight. Thought I'd change the gearing on the CX bike. Go to the 20 from the 22...
Of course, the bottom bracket was seized from Fruitlands. Oops. Got that sorted out before it got to dark. Compressed air, liquid wrench, power tools, then finally some grease and a torque wrench.
Crank back and working. For how long? Who knows. Time for new bearings perhaps.
Then moved to the 20...
A major shuffle... 20tb off the Stache, chain not so different, all the way back... Not right enough. Take a link out, wheel all the way forward, chain still too short.... Fuuuuuck
44-20 is a good gear. But impossible combination, I think I need a 19 or an 18... Badly.
But, I have a 17...
44-17. Was the singlespeed gear on the black Blue pit bike when I ran the 46-17 on the white blue... It was a bit easier. I'm guessing I might be doing a hasty shuffling Saturday morning.
But maybe this will work. For all that work I just should have put gears back on.
We'll see.
Was up at about 5 this morning. Did laundry while listening to the book, kept busy. Worked at home then made the way in.
Shooting to be up that early tomorrow as well.
Might make the weekend more successful, I certainly don't need any more handicaps. There are enough self imposed ones as it is.
Odd being home alone not even turning the TV on...
I ate far too much dinner, the short workout and the culmination of the book didn't help. And in my fatness my eyes grow heavy swiping tiny words out on my phone.
seems people make a big deal out of things turning 50...
funny that, here I thought I was all over it and had put it behind me...
That compilation fucking rocks. Well done. I mean what other rock song has been overplayed that much, what song does everyone know all the lyrics too?
Why? it is a good song.
And it stuck around.
Made it through the weekend, wading into the fucking insane week, some good news, some disappointing but not unexpected news, but mostly just non-stop. Till now and even then I only have paused from the crazy to share that compilation.
NoHo came and went and I didn't go.
12 years ago is still fresh in my mind. Saw a facebook memory, almost verbatim what I said about my head smashing crash on my 49th birthday. "Lucky I landed on the top of my head, not my face". Seems that my instinct is to hit hard stuff with the hardest part of my body, my head full of rocks.
At least my lights are all charged for the ride home tonight.
in
the
dark
Ugh...
anyway i might go cue up an OG version of that song and listen the the dudes that initially performed it
and then get back to grinding away. but then i did have a thought - it is me, the job really isn't a job insomuch as it is me, a part of me, there is a seemless integration with what I do and me and that's kind of cool, but also kind of strange and I'm guessing unique..
Northampton CX is today and tomorrow. 30th everyone or one or whatever it's a lot. There's a lot of people signed up. Huge race. Everyone seems to be there. Like the whole internet.
E was supposed to be in NYC running the marathon she didn't go. So I could have gone up. Done the day of registration, start in the back, where I belong, with 200 people on the course? Or, I could have (or really still could) jump in the car without a bike and drive and drive.
But I slept in, and I'm still tired. Trying to remind myself I need to rest more, I need to not feel destroyed every day. But then it would be pretty cool to go up to NoHo. Maybe tomorrow.
Of course this morning I'm driving coffee and feeling like writing. And I left the work laptop at work. On the good side I'm not as likely to work but now writing? Guess I could grab the tablet instead of swiping on the phone.
Thinking maybe bike shop today... Not sure I worked at all during October. Even if there's no bikes to build it's a chance to hang out with friends, or at least people I work with that are friendly to me when I'm there. Are they friends, like real ones? Maybe? Probably? Dunno tho. Most of the time, I guess everywhere, I just feel tolerated, like we'll be nice to you but def not act like we do around other people. I'd never think that if I haven't observed it pretty constantly over my life. But hey whatever. Maybe there's actually bikes to build and I can hide in the basement and help out and not impose too much.
Skipped the voltaren stuff last night, knee feels a tiny bit more inflamed/in pain than yesterday morning but not functionally different.
The Reddiyo plan has today as a rest day. Nothing scheduled. I'm already at 344 for the week. Sick a workout or a ride in tomorrow or both and should hit the 400 mark. For better or worse. Then start over again leading into really rad.
Really rad... As in the rebirth of Plymouth. Haven't raced that in a long while. Not sure if I should stick with the singlespeed or toss some gears on. Maybe gears? Or just a harder gear, go to the 20 instead of the 22?
Def not going to be at the shop when everyone else gets there today. Maybe bring bike and work on it there if there's no bikes that need building. I mean yeah I could work on it here at home but, it's not warm outside right now.
Sunsets have been pretty solid lately. I even posted one to Facebook.
That one. It was Thursday night. Next week will be in the dark.
And I'll pellar do even more trainer miles. They aren't terrible, maybe they are helping even?
At least it is sunny here.
Coffee cup is empty... Phone is almost charged. Time to pack some lunch and take a drive.
got home, snacked a ton, got on the bike had a decent but hard workout, short, and dinner and all that.
finished listening to a fantastic book. the new Becky Chambers, A psalm for the wild-built, worth a read - some really good quotes out of it and unexpected moments of joy and how to transform death and find joy in just conciousness.
at least i remembered to charge the headlight although i'm about ready to leave.
got to a few things on the list, maybe a few more tomorrow
life is full and busy and not terrible.. but it is exhausting, i'm skeptical about trying to get the workout done on the trainer tonight, wish I had more daylight or time to get it done somewhere other than in the basement. Maybe one of these days i'll get a new trainer, maybe one with power so these workouts can be done with that metric instead of HR.
Rob Kramer shared something on twitter today... i liked it, not 100% agree but in a way nearly so.
this morning i hit play on this song getting through the start of the work load but after scanning the headlines on twitter
Hit the Mighty mighty bosstones latest release front to back next. Then just work and work.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. Running light on the coffee intake,light in the morning and shared some with another during a meeting and we'll see how the ride home goes and the workout. Guess it is a good thing there's still some halloween candy, crush some of that in the KPerham sugar window and hope for the best.
No NoHo for me this weekend. Iceman is ALSo this weekend, now that's a gravel race i'd love to do, hah yeah no it is a "mountain bike" race or so they say, i've heard mixed things, and having ridden East coast tech now, and lots of Michigan trails, well, I'd call it a gravel race. shit - on that list of mine is getting that dropper post ordered. Would be nice to get it on shortly after the fork gets fixed, but i probably should have ordered the post a while back if that was to happen.
Pulling trigger on a few emails that are sitting and waiting for a moment and a re-read then i'll blast home and figure the rest of the day out.
So busy I forgot to hit publish on yesterdays garbage patch.
Guess I'll try and get home and do the workout tonight. Wondering how many TSS/WS is too many for a week for someone as slow and stressed as I am. I hit nearly 500 WS over the last two weeks (in a row) and I'm guessing that's probably contributing to why I was so tired and unable to compete the workout with only one day off the bike.
None of the workouts are over 100, but commutes aren't zero and I'm still functioning in a sleep deficit (not as bad as it has been) but overall life stress isn't measured and it is pretty significant.
Case in point, dreams last night were frustration RAGE machines, hard to explain the details now but the overall feeling of frustration and rage and all was and still is palpable.
Maybe I can channel some of that rage embedded to get through the interval.
Knee has been doing better but still residue soreness. I think maybe I need a week off of the singlespeed surly, too much torque. Need more spinny. Or something else. The diclofenac sodium topical gel (Voltaren) applied at night just before bed has been very effective at reducing the inflamation.
there was some other stuff I was thinking about but forgot now...
I did try and figure out TSS load limits, but didn't come up with anything more than a category breakdown not an age one although i'm sure there are plenty of 50 year olds that can hand a cat 1 level week of 700-1000 TSS, i'm def not one of them. As evidence by my getting lapped by everyone at Fruitlands.
Trying the eat more to combat fatigue, sort of working. But not totally. Back of my brain still wonders if the thyroid enlargement (basic and specific tests said all the levels were normal) has something to do with it all.
also go listen to this album start to finish (or not, might not be your style) but is one motherfucking iconic album and important bit of musical history
what is it, why is everything so f'n upsidedown and sideways?
Shit's getting done but not easily or inexpensively.
The car, no not the stinky Jetta, the one we got new? yeah, that noise? Long and expensive story and well, frustrating and annoying ugh - tires should last more than 20k miles.
Mailed the fork back. No Call Tag of course. "We don't do that for warranty anymore" well shit. It is only money. Hopefully it'll be fixed soon and I can get back to riding the shifty squishy bike.
Need to get dropper post for it and some GX AXS for it maybe, I'd say I'd get some shimano for it but, that's a good joke.
No time to start emailing candidates for the job, that will help me have more time to deal with the rest of the stuff that is keeping me occupied.
And yeah, could be doing that now but I figured taking 5 minutes to vent here after wolfing down lunch in 10 minutes is okay.
I have 3 minutes left.
Still tired. Def not doing the workout tonight.
Maybe I can get Wed's planned workout done before heading to work, before I'm wrecked by another overscheduled and intense day.
Well I bailed on a workout for tonight. Just couldn't. Took yesterday off, rode super easy to and from work. Record? Low heat rate on the way in averaged 78. Riding the singlespeed Surly bike. Slowly.
Same home (slowly), not as easy but not hard.
Attempted the workout, almost bailed before the first interval, got through the first and yeah just barely and done.
Need more rest. Life plus workout stress was too much over the last ten+ days. Might bail on tomorrow's workout preemptively
He shares a birthday with my little brothers. It doesn't take a brilliant therapist to connect the dots that having little brothers with a birthday on a NATIONAL party day does for me relative to my neglected birthday that always happened before school started right around a holiday that had the family working hard (Bumbershoot Festival).
That doesn't have anything to with this or Nick or anything. Although I'm sure we can tie Nick into this w/o much issue.
That said.
Short film by Nick. It is on Youtube. Go give it a watch as a late birthday present to him.
It is entertaining. worth the 20 minutes.
In true Nick Cz fashion I'm sure it'll be a dead link before too long so don't wait to go watch.
Dead scope opened up an extra bit of time. Downside is it is the SEM and I can't actually work on the rest of the imaging for the show.
Also so much to do but hey, I'm overwhelmed and still pretty tired. Physically and mentally pausing after the crazy doesn't feel much more than required.
anyone want to buy a chunk of land w/out any utilities or water or mineral rights outside of Saguache? Used to be a town dump (piles of rust flat cans mixed in with that shitty nasty plant that cuts truck tires if you drive near them), mostly flat. Good for solar if there were utilities. Probably could clear a couple flat spots for a trailer/campsite.
Near some pretty amazing MTB'n from the looks of it.
I worked from home for two days. made the second pot at home, problem is home pot of coffee is much bigger than work pot of coffee and that meant I was drinking more and well - slept great until about 3 am last night. The night before was the same except every gust from the Nor'Easter woke me up.
I. am. tired.
Oh and I just got a flu shot. And today has been stressful and tomorrow will also be and I signed up for Fruitlands in the rain on Saturday.
I look at myself and thing, are you really that oblivious and stupid?
YUP
and then there is shit like this I wrote earlier and left here to stew while working on everything else:
but look how many people are dying that are vaccinated is not the flex or strong point for you trying to suggest a vaccine mandate is not helpful (pro-tip, it is helpful) all those dead vax'd people are probably
"... immuno compromised people who have no reaction to the vaccine because of things like, you know cancer, and other pretty common shit, or just other issues, kind of like how the whole bunch of old white dudes are so fixated on deaths and ignore all the other issues with covid as a disease, and if all those unvax'd folks got vax'd the people who have no immune response to it probably wouldn't die but hey - fuck them, who cares they deserve to die because they are weak and people shouldn't be mandated to get a vaccine just to reduce the chance of them dying. "
i posted the "" section over in a FB thread and then after a minute copied it and deleted it.
someone else posted something about 1 million 5-12 years olds getting vax'd would probably save 0-5 lives but leave some hundreds of them with heart issues from the vaccine...
"um - you have no idea what you're talking about and you're an idiot for re-tweeting that bullshit image AND HOW ABOUT LONG TERM SHIT FROM COVID"
just because someone doesn't die doesn't mean they aren't compromised for the rest of their life. Sterility anyone? I mean I guess if your kid is eligible for the vax and you refuse to get them it well... maybe you really don't need to expand the gene pool with your lineage. And then there's the people arguing against it who've never had kids, won't have kids and don't like kids. So ugh.
Fucking people
And now it is later than I wanted it to be and it is getting dark out there. I have a decently easy workout at least to do but also not enough daylight to do it outside anymore. Trainer night again maybe. If I can figure out what to make for dinner.
Time.
Lots in my head but no time to get it out...
I did realize that maybe this current crop of kids needs therapist because none of them are keeping secret journals, is that what kept us all sane? Writing in that book that no one else would read?
well we know how much value I get out of this - the same as it costs me... $15 a year or so for the domain, i was fine with some random ass blogger page but NOOO someone had to go and reg the webpage. nah it has more value than that, a lot more...
there's some exciting stuff coming down the line but right now i gotta get home before it gets dark because I didn't bring a light (that is charged and I just remembered i was supposed to charge it today).
it was a rough one that yesterday was, made it through.
what else to say? not much, moving on
There's some issues with the Reddiyo app and interface and data, not sure if it is the ancient 510 header data but it seems to be normal on Strava and looks the same as the Wahoo (did a side by side comparison today) but somehow the 510 data is interpreted strangely by the app. There's a Coggan score, they call it Workload Stress (WS) which is TSS by another name. And some how that doesn't seem to match up well.
Maybe it is the HR data. Maybe the algorithm works perfectly well with power but not so much with HR. Afterall HR has a narrow range and power is bigger. Broader data range makes lots of things easier. If the range you're trying to capture is between 89 and 160, well, that's pretty low resolution. Then couple that to the HR lag at the start of interval and then the over-run at the end. Neither of which happen when using Power. Suddenly a very clear cut interval (using speed or power) isn't so clear cut is it.
One of the things that I found engaging when submitting the application to be an ambassor for Reddiyo was the ability to train with HR. Who coaches with just HR now days? NO ONE. it seems at least.
So lets see how this works. Or doesn't work. I mean who DOESN'T have a powermeter? Besides me? Fine there are lots and lots of people w/o power meters, but very few people who are racing and doing structured training and or being coached (self or other person). Why? Because that shit works.
Why don't I? Well lets see, can't do wheel based too many absolutely different bikes. Crank? Yeah again, how many bikes? And just about every bike has a different style crank arm, also 180? Yeah okay. Then what?
Pedal based system? That might work but then changing pedals EVERY RIDE would be a giant pain and well, ultimately not great for the crank arms.
Now if there was a shoe based system, that I would definitely think about. I wear the same shoes on everybike. Already have a cadence sensor on the shoe. Would be happy to move saddle up a couple mm to fit a sensor between the cleat and the shoe. Great breakdown about it here: https://cyclingtips.com/2021/03/are-cleat-based-power-meters-on-the-way/ so yeah, there ya go, I'm just waiting for that white whale I guess. Downside with that patent, it is for what looks like a 3 bolt cleat, not the 2 bolt SPDs I've got on everything.
Problems to solve, challenges to overcome. GeWilli never seems to do anything the easy way.
In spades actually.
Gonna post up a song video but will leave it as a stand alone post.
I watched this last night. And man, yeah, I get it. And wow is that course in the film flat.
Back to work. late lunch after a morning of emails with a work out on the way in.
I woke up feeling like I had just gotten a fabulous night sleep.
but still felt sluggish and tired, a weird combo. So maybe I did sleep well but am so tired that it is going to take more than one night of good sleep to recover...
that or i gotta stop drinking coffee (and bulk up on weight, i keep forgetting that I gained a bunch when not drinking the bean juice) or something
maybe just a vacation
ah that's funny, i crack myself up...
Got up, coffee, got kid to school - rode along and drove the car home - ate food while watching one of the death and robot short films, dug out the black blue loaded up the training plan on the garmin and headed out for the workout in the cold.
that was fucking hard and my heart rate things 1min on 1min off efforts are a joke. Oh we're supposed to start pumping? Fine, okay here we go... oh you're done? Fine how about we stay super high and only settling just as you start the next effort... maybe i am to tired for this
maybe i'm just out of shape
maybe i'm just built to ride forever, just not fast
And then of course that meant there was a good gap in the coffee consumption
too much of a gap
and now i have a headache
AND i'm still tired, both from that workout and life
I keep forgetting to finish filling out a form.
I still feel like I'm trying to do too much but at the same time feel like i'm failing by not doing enough
all that and i haven't even touched on the emotions of loss yet
time for some single speed meditation on the way home.
perhaps you've seen it - perhaps not, thanks to Firefly, Built by Jerry and Velocio for sponsoring and sharing and creating this and opening up an opportunity to support.
sorry, just... not sure where to start or what to say and no motivation to write or share..
I did race my bike on Saturday, and rode in the woods on Monday and am racing Wednesday.
Spent sunday working on bike positions making it all the same relative to the saddle/BB setback and height.
the outpouring of condolences was heart warming but equally and opposite is the vacuum in the wake of it as everyone moves on and the event is out of their mind...
not mine.
I'm okay tho, sad, but functional...
back is def not full strength. woke up this morning a bit sore, def very much a huge set back, did not feel anywhere near as strong as I did pre-injury, and that's kind of discouraging, the feeling that peak form was Quad CX?
Had tire issue Sunday too, kept dropping PSI until I put it up to 29, casing maybe too soft/worn to seal with my big fat butt on the bike.
I keep having the visceral response to death, that this is it and when we're gone we're gone and that's even writing that viscerally terrifying. My brother admitted to being like that for 10 years... maybe i'll find something that helps come to terms with it...
maybe i'm not totally okay but this also really didn't start before reading the quote on my birthday...
there ya go - another reason to hate the day
To make it all worse I've been sleeping like shit. Basically bad sleep since returning, i got no sleep and had zero consistency with sleep timing while out there and was taking Aleve non-stop... last time I took anything was before the flight. I would guess my body is kind of wondering what the fuck that shit was good and now trying to re-equilibrate to get back to normal. Been going to be earlier because E is getting up before 5am to row...
more shit to figure out
okay fine - i'm in a bit of a funk - but still surprsingly good at faking it when pressed or asked... you're not going to get me to admit (other than here) that i'm not having an easy go of everything
There are stories to tell, memories to hold tight, and maybe better photos, more 'him' photos, many of which probably will show up over time.
This one was an unshared photo from the last big block of time I spent with him in March 2019. The progression of atypical parkinson's had slowed him down already but he was still walking around on his own and mostly in control.
Recently, he had finally had enough, didn't want to be poked or prodded or to be back in a hospital. He was done, and earlier today, went out on his own terms.
I'm deeply grateful to have been with him and my brothers this weekend before our dad finally, and fully let go.
lots to say but not quite sure where to start or if i can say it now
time i suppose
so now what? two weeks of immobility with the back another week here, and a big block of races i'd planned to do but now thinking I probably shouldn't to them all...
and now that i'm sitting in my office, suddenly the wave of exhaustion is settling in, not sure i'm going to make it till 3-3:30
took a bunch of photos
posted some up on the IG, mostly in the stories
should put them up here with description and stories to go with
i think maybe some SEM time then catching up, we'll see if i can stay awake or not
all the brothers and the two grandsons were in one place together
it is a lot to process to deal with
planned on racing today, didn't plan on getting up at 3:30am in RI and flying to Seattle.
good thing i know i can go for a long time w/o sleep.
this is different than that, i don't have all the food and hydration and coffee and everything, and it is complicated and difficult and there's the whole pull from the my mother to see her, my sister to see her baby.
no time to ride
or eat, maybe not even sleep.
got cleaned up, had a few minutes to relax, charge my phone, take a MUCH needed shower.
bike racing? nope was going to race today, signed up even. Donation to the cause.
maybe i'll be back in time to race next weekend.
life
it is what happens, time to soak up the moments that I can
Social events here at work have a way of underscoring just how isolated and alone my existence is here. Microscopes don't throw parties.
It isn't complicated but it is complicating. I did manage to overcome the social anxiety and the feeling of not belonging and went to the big all staff event. And it was just as lonely and isolation affirming as I expected. I ate a little food, got my T-shirt, had a seltzer water while everyone was tipping back beers and wine and hard seltzer. Yeah I panic'd for a minute thinking this was an alcoholic but no, it is just water.
Made it back, and cued this up. The Radavist has some good content. And this def lightened my mood and helped the mental state.
I have very much a strong desire to have a trail dog, I love the idea, the extra bonding. My dogs are old. Older than Luna, they are slow, not so much lazy as more just sedentary and content to sleep and chill all day. I envy that in many ways, This whole convalescence with the back has made it pretty clean I'm not good at relaxing, and with the pain I have been physically unable to do so, and doubly so when the chairs you're used to lounging in, the couch, even the bed, are uncomfortable, and esp painful after more than a few minutes.
Today is maybe a good turning point. I feel better. But my knee is saying "HAH guess what? I was fooling you with all that Aleve you were taking, I'm still fucked." Back of my mind has me thinking I set the saddle a touch too high on the Stache for Sunday's ride. But since I need to re-grease/friction paste the seatpost (creaking like a i was complaining about my back - constant and loud) I'll just do that and be really fastidious about seat high. More than i was setting it. Part of the problem was I set it w/o being able to bend down and really get a perfect measurement. Flexibility is helpful for bike set up. Or is for my method. Was insanely painful and difficult to do the setback measurements. And setting this up? Well I probably paid less attention to detail than I should have.
Also, I think the 1cm further forward on the Crockett is actually a bad thing. Not the worst thing but not a good thing and I do need to find a set back post for that, fortunately a cool Thomson post should work, if I can find a black layback in 27.2.
The thread, I think I made a few editorial changes. I wrote it up, let it sit. Went back and tweaked. Tweaked again, and again. Let it sit. Came back to it, made one more tweak and hit publish.
Also, unusual was leaving it so that no one could comment. Twitter is about discussion, this was more of a chance/desire to say all this and leave it as a thought bit, not a discussion bit.
best choice? Dunno, but feels more appropriate that way somehow. Stifles the agreement but more importantly doesn't give the outrage a place to vent. Sometimes (most times) comments are not good. Solobreak's comments here on this blog excepted.
first opening tweet
Got thinking about a sensitive but important topic that tends to be divisive and me as a CHWM has no place doing more than wondering about inclusivity.
Along the lines of why not use Pansexual instead of Bisexual? Doesn't Bi entrench the whole TERF argument?
edited to this:
Something this morning got me thinking about a sensitive & important topic, specifically why isn't Pansexual used instead of Bisexual? It seems Bi can empower the TERF argument?
It isn't my place to judge, especially as a CHWM, but working on inclusivity is a challenge for all.
the rest
The internet has answers, none that seem to resolve it, and most just accept and use it as inclusive. Isn't it just one more barrier for the T and NB individuals/community to contend with?
Like this: Gay at one point was inclusive and only became gendered recently
Of course Q has obvious political issues, and there's push back from the drop the B campaign as seen here from the UK source Pink news: https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2018/06/15/drop-the-b-bisexual-lgbt/
There is no question that the gender binary inaccurately classifies humans, genetics and science shows us this.
This thread https://twitter.com/RebeccaRHelm/status/1207834357639139328 is a fabulous read on that topic.
My rumination on my bike commute this morning started me wondering: were there forces of exclusion driving the selection of B instead of using P for pansexual? Perhaps let the sex industry have the B and make the move to LGPT+?
I'm contemplating this as a parent, a friend, a colleague, but clearly (although unbreakably tied to the community) I'm still outside of it.
To close this I'd like to leave it with this:
If you're not working actively to include people (on any scale from personal to global), you are entrenching the exclusions that isolate them.
To not be woken up with small muscles in the back going twang with a shot of pain as they lock up with unintentional movement, one, by one, until I can't move.
And then be locked in until about 11am after the salonpas and aleve kick in.
I don't like this.
I don't like how long this is taking to heal with no obvious change in pain levels, if anything it feels like it is getting worse.
Maybe the day off yesterday was bad for it? But I slept well when before then, although with the asymmetry of the pain now i'm favoring one side over the other.
It is the whole right side, CX? Mt Bike? Both? Yes. maybe.
Can't go back and change the ifs but man can I feel my brain chemistry change with this flood of pain signals and then the kick back from the Aleve. It feels weird and I don't like it.
Took a screaming hot shower at 6am. Didn't help, just made me hot and sweaty after and didn't really loosen anything up.
Time, and what? I'm stretching and all that I can do, kind of all the time. Moving, not staying in one position too long.
This sucks. Will I be ready to go for Night Weasels? Probably not, but maybe.
When will I be able to start in on the Reddiyo training plan? Dunno, not sure. Not yet.
Maybe I do need to get back in the woods on the Singlespeed and work it all out that way. Maybe that's the key to solving it. Or at least re-setting it.
Getting hot flashes with the waves of pain.
This is not fun. Really really REALLY not fun.
But it is what it is and I can only do what I can do. I suppose I need to be patient, guess it would be easier to have a broken bone with a defined healing timeline. These soft tissue/muscular connection things are vague and drawn out and so unknown, and worse and worse with age and stuff...
ugh
hell I didn't even get a chance to write up about the races...
That 9point8 option plus flipping the chip on the Top Fuel looks like the only way to go.
BUT Salsa has a slacker seat angle. BUT the shop isn't a dealer.
Got into see the Doc today. She was unable to magically make it all better. Turns out my beta pleated sheets are MASSIVELY fucked up. Yay...
Translation: riding the top fuel for that many rides caused the upper back to scrunch up to try and support the weird position my hips and lower back were in and well, they all gave up and decided to say fuck it you're broken dumbass.
So I'm taking Aleve (yeah me, taking some OTC drugs) AND doc said to put some Salonpas pads on where it hurts so it stops hurting so the brain stops fucking shit up and so it can relax and eventually get fixed.
Which means everything is paused until that's sorted. Hopefully before next CX.
On the plus side my knee is almost completely recovered mostly due to the complete lack of hard pedaling since Quad CX. Guess it'll get more time to recover.
I'll ride to work tomorrow, chill and super easy. Probably stick a pain patch (or two) on in the morning before taking the Aleve to help target where it hurts the most and hope for slow and steady recovery and eventually getting back to pedaling.
Also Steep seat angles are FUCKING STUPID - for me... Could it be that everything else is too far back? Yes, it could be, but moving forward 10-20mm is possible on everything, will it help? Nope.
But, flipping the chip to the low position (and getting better at hopping shit) and getting more saddle set back should make the Top Fuel rideable. Maybe even dropping the bars a bit to close the angle down some more.
Before I start chasing that demon I've gotta get all better again.
Damnit.
Also, this has been some SERIOUS fucking pain, like I did not remember it was possible to hurt this much and wow does it suck. AND I DIDN'T EVEN CRASH THIS IS JUST FROM RIDING EASILY!
Well, inspired by Solobreak's suggestion I made a concor specific fit jig to determine saddle setback and compare from bike to bike.
it lets me measure and compare both angle and set back from the BB spindle center.
There ya have it.
I did actually compress the suspension and strap it in place to measure with sag.
I measured the Crockett, the Surly and the Black Blue.
Did not measure the Stache because it doesn't have wheels on right now.
The actual effective top tube doesn't really matter, what matters is not being able to get the seat back far enough and now I can't bend over. Tried a few remounts on the way home last night - no pain - those muscles are fine. Somehow that being a bit too far forward completely screwed me up.
And this makes sense and is consistent with the problem.
So how far?
The Top Fuel only has 6cm of setback (based on this jig, the hole and hanging tape measured from the front of the tape to the center of the bb)
The Crockett has 9cm
The Surly has 10-11 (i was getting sloppy with the measurements once I saw how far back they were)
The Black Blue is at 10-11 (only one i didn't write down, also hard to get good measurements since I can't really bend over - because back is fucked up)
I didn't check any of the Kleins or the Paramount or the White Blue.
I can still flip the chip on the TF, should drop it back a little more, but not much, and then still need another dropper post or crazy railed saddle...
But there's the numbers
the pain is bad enough that I'm thinking about trying to go back to the doc on Monday.
Today was planned to be a Freetown 50 recon. Hasn't happened, and won't today. Embracing the day off, the day of recovery, of not pedaling.
Focusing on that part of faking being a competitive athlete that I routinely fail at. Rest and Recovery.
Before Ida came through and delivered more of a storm than Henri ever did for us, I went around with the big heavy ladder and cleaned out the new gutters. Easy, but still had to move the heavy ladder around. At full extension it is a bit awkward for one person. Woke up that night with pain in the middle left of my back. The usual place. Knees are getting better but not better. Debating the whole doc visit but also know why and just how long these things take to heal. The lack of a sub-patellar bursa on my right knee is definitively not helping anything.
Last night there was forecast scattered showers until noon. Later over in Assonet/Freetown. Guess what, nothing. Any rain that fell was light and mostly to the south. But plans were never finalized and no one wanted to make the trip mid-day.
So I tried to sleep in as much as my back would let me after it not letting me sleep well through the night. Made some coffee, read, ate, caught up on a few things, explored something new, and really very much relaxing.
a quick re-read, edit, spell check, correct and clatify - now posting (Sept 6th 2021)
heddwch, G
I went to catch up on the latest Fox Dialed episode about the World Cup this weekend in Suisse. And on the youtube page of recommendations Robin Williams face, in black and white with his eyes standing on in blue was staring at me.
Loaded obviously no? The man who made us all laugh more than anyone, made us cry, feel, and care, he was also passionate about cycling, and a deeply emotional alcoholic.
