Songs and lyrics eh?

Pulled these up, many times singing along with the lyrics at the top of my lungs, never really stopping to pull out the full meaning... or one of the meanings:

Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
Five hundred years like Gelignite
Have blown us all to hell
What savior rests while on his cross we die
While forgotten freedom burns
Has the Shepard led his lambs astray
To the bigot and the gun
Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
'Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess
Singin' drunken lullabies
I watch and stare as Rosin's eyes
Turn a darker shade of red
And the bullet with this sniper lie
In their bloody gutless cell
Must we starve on crumbs from long ago
Through bars these men made steel
Is it a great or little thing we fought
Knelt the conscience blessed to kill
Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
'Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess…

I think this is our destiny, finding ourselves in the same old mess.

F'n Stevil called me Rainman this morning. I laughed then was kind of hit with the, holy fuck he's right. Followed by the fuck, it is early in Cali...  shit. Except man I wish i could actually remember shit and count cards and that kind of stuff. My synapses in the brain are definitely firing way higher than normal, and that's good for somethings, but mostly it tips over into dysfunction more than hyper function. Esp growing up.

Drinking kind of knocked it down a bit - made me normal, drunk synapses DGAF, but, somehow they didn't stay fucked up when i stopped, they all mostly figured out how to work again and left me back in the pre-drinking awkward phase of shit and without the decades of having to figure shit out w/o the aid of chemicals. It makes sense, too much fucking sense. Not enough sense to start drinking. Watching people talk more about being a day drinker, alcohol sales in the last month have doubled adding facts to the claims.

but rainman...  Stevil had the story up on the IG with the tiny clown and a screw.. he put up there "wanna screw" and my stupid brain instantly transported me to 10th grade geometry class, sitting in the desk in front of Christine, fiddling with the desk before class started there was a loose screw, i removed it and turned around and naively offered it to her saying "Wanna screw?" She turned bright red, and i was bewildered for a bit...

Had a really strange dream. Of course I was falling down tired at 6pm, then we watched 'Making the Cut' as a family and i was wide awake until 11pm. And right on cue I was up at 6am.  Tried to fall back asleep, after a dozen times of trying I got up just after 7. Have managed to waste a good hour or so drinking coffee and internetting and mostly being completely unproductive other than getting the proper morning coffee dose up in and showing my true colors and unintentionally harassing people on the internets.

Best get my shit together and go get the rest of the sold bikes built and start working ahead a bit. Shop's are closed but still selling bikes, by appointment and online.

But the basement alone is a good place for Rainman.

hopefully i can get there before the path gets a bit crowded.

Oops - hopefully I can remember to post this before leaving it as a draft all day.

heddwch
G

Stay Vulnerable

I kind of alluded to it yesterday.

Leave it to John Prine to have the words. "Stay Vulnerable"

Was woken up at 4am, took a while to fall back asleep. Haven't been setting an alarm because I've been waking up so early.

Finally woke up with the opening salvo of a caffeine withdrawal headache and the clock saying 8:50.

So much for getting up early, getting into the lab and locking the scope down, shutting the air off on that air table and getting over to the shop to build the bikes. I'm still doing all that but time has been tweaked by a few hours.

And that just has to be okay. Plans are adjustable. Life is flexible. I'm not happy with myself for missing this but I'm mostly feeling bad that I said i'd be in early and I'm just now finishing up at the lab.

And reading a Times article.

And posting about it.

it is windy as hell out there right now. A solid West North West wind. Meaning roaring headwind on the approach to that TT segment after a headwind all the way there.

At least the bike path was pretty much mostly empty on the way here.

Maybe more later, we'll see how it shakes out...

hewddwch
G

turning toward the morning

Long before I ever heard John Prine I had Gordon Bok's songs all memorized.

And there was one LP I would put on repeat and repeat - Captain Hawkins Choice. The line drawing art on the jacket, and the songs would captivate me. Ultimately became part of me.

A lot of the songs are about the sea, and yes the sailing and the water was me growing up, I've talked about it all in the past.

One song that always gets me, always brings me to tears is The Golden Vanity... there was actually a scratch in the record that jumped a touch, and was on the tape i recorded from it. 9 holes all at once were compressed together. I also always thought Gordon was saying Manatee...  And digging into this a bit more that sensitive empathetic side comes out in how he tweaked the words. Instead of the cabin boy sinking his own ship after the captain refused to take him up as per the original, he bowed his head and sank down himself rather than kill his fellow sailors.

I guess it says a bit about me - eh?

--

Stepped away from the computer, got really tired. Suddenly, being on here sitting here talking here, interacting here, grading here, planning here, in this chair, non-stop all day, took a bit more out of me than expected. And my butt is sore. This location isn't great either.

It is 7pm and I am ready for more coffee.

And a bike ride but no way i'm heading out now.

I accidentally made tomorrow more complicated than I had planned, we'll see how it works though. On the good side i'll be on the bike, which bike? probably the cranky slow singlespeed surly. Maybe even re-tension the chain, although I think i need to look at the chainring - might be a bit worn.

thoughts were organized - the song, turning towards the morning, the cycle of life, seasons, bloom and fade - then i faded

things are crazy - everyone is dealing with life differently now, some struggle more than others. And many are lucky, they are still working, still pulling in a paycheck, life still goes on, just differently. It doesn't mean those lucky ones aren't having a difficult time and it doesn't mean that they aren't aware of how much everyone else is struggling. You can compare, but don't project your comparison, or voice it or say how lucky someone is, they may be borderline depressed and that is going to make it worse.

What we can do, is keep doing. Focus on what we can control. do as much as can be done for those around you even if it isn't much - do what you can do. Survive, get through. Call, write the politician folks, work the grassroots side of things, whatever it takes to steer this country back away from Fascism. Forget socialism, i'd take a normal functioning capitalistic democracy/republic over this current nightmare.

I'm trying. But i'm caught in the i'm exhausted loop with way too much to do and so I'm still, like always, just getting what has to be done done in the last minute. Wishing i could tick away at the list of shit. Like maybe get the desk set up, or get the trainer out, clean up a space or two that need it.

Tomorrow is crazy but I hope maybe will help reset a little, find a bit more balance, try to repeat Saturday, go get lost in Big River again on Sunday and then get ready for next week.

Fleet week is on hold - I really don't think I want to make an attempt at the Strava TT, as much as a 50+ mile ride sounds great right now, it also sounds kind of like a really dumb idea, at least heading out in that direction.

Every once in a while i'll catch a headline that is crushingly sad and terrifying. I don't like it. But life goes on and life can be terrible.

And the sun will come up, turn toward the morning, get through this, the darkness is falling as the flowers are blooming and the summer unfolds, hold strong, we're tough, tenacious, we won't lose our compassion or our empathy...

this won't break us and we'll make it through...

amor fati motherfuckers
heddwch
G

Sad night

Sad morning.

Just before falling asleep I head the news that John Prine passed away. When word came out last week that he was moved to the ICU due to Covid-19, well I feared the worst, was heartbreaking to find out. Then it was reported that he had stabilized and I had hope, he fought and beat cancer, he can fight this, he can make it and write us all some more songs.

Now he's having a Vodka and Ginger ale and smoking a cigarette 9 miles long.

The afterlife is nothing more than a placating fiction that we make up to stave of the fear and anxiety of the end. More to comfort those of us left behind i think.

I don't really know him, I know his songs, and I listen to his stuff quite a bit to be honest, sing along with him, admire the mind that can keep all those words straight and in order and repeat them, to write them. To tell the stories he does on stage.

His projected humility...

The Colbert piece that was posted last week, an unreleased duet, it brought me to tears then, haven't tried to listen to it till now.

That's the way the world goes round, up one day down the next...

It is raining, and at least it isn't snowing, but i still think of this song... back on youtube for a little bit - no actual video performance but the performance is still there:

Life goes on, i'll take the rain today...

heddwch
G

what is it masking

Leave it to the US to finally start wearing masks but not bother to use them properly.

To not make sure that they at least are filtering something, not just catching large droplets leaving your mouth. And sure that's something but fluid dynamics will show that aerosols will escape with the air - through the large openings in the sides of your poorly worn mask.

If you were breathing through it properly, then pull it down by the front, guess what, that shit is all over your hands.

Once you start using it, home-made or not, you have to assume the exterior is contaminated.

If you touch it you'll saturate that part of the mask and allow the stuff to move through and past the filtering fabric/material to the clean side potentially (low probability but is this something you want to play with).

pulling the mask down and then back up - don't do that. Leave it on or take it off, don't put it on and off.

It was good though the trip to the store. A line outside. Still crowded inside, but mask, gloves, and waiting for people to clear the space worked. Got a shit ton of stuff, double the normal of somethings to hold off needing to go back again any time soon. Probably missing a few things, hopefully won't need to return and can make due.

The shelves were close to being back to stocked normally. There was flour, plenty of eggs, even toilet paper.

It was a gorgeous day and I spent it driving around, working or working and looking outside. And then it was time to cook dinner.

Tomorrow I have to go to work, actually go in, i'm excited. AND it might be raining so maybe the path will be clear! THAT IS EVEN MORE EXCITING.

Gotta remember the list of shit i need to do, i keep forgetting one or two little things, like bring home one of the really long ethernet cables so i can work somewhere other than where I am. Still haven't made that damn desk for the basement, not sure i can get the cable all the way down there anyway.

i just wanted to get the mask thing out there - out of my head - do it here instead of twitter - best not to push a button and have it blow up and cause me to over-react. I'm actually treading a thin line at the moment with one comment i added.

whatever - there's a happy hour zoom riding the trainer drinking thing happening right now, even if my bike was on the trainer i'm not sure i want to join a bunch of folks and be the sober one... it is one thing being the sober one with old friends, nothing changes, but the social anxiety is too much for new people. And, my bike isn't on the trainer, no space to ride it or place to put the laptop and pedal, logistics. all with a solution. and me with no motivation and a solid anti-social disincentive.

And to think i'm feeling lonely and missing something - not sure what exactly.

But tomorrow is a new day - i'm tired - managed to keep coffee intake light - but now i'm tired. What I'm finding is on light days i have to get up earlier to get more in there or the headaches threaten, and then sometimes i'll add a later cup and then be awake. pendulum swinging back and forth, at least it is moving instead of being stuck in the static high coffee intake zone.

wish i'd ridden today. but there's always tomorrow.

we hope.

be well

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

it is bigger than sport

So I took a bit of a youtube trip tonight. That CX Hairs 1.1 thing was only mildly traumatizing, and I'm only barely over a week into non-stop zooming.

And it is true - if you password protect your zoom, the password is in the link. Super secure folks.

So yeah - i didn't copy the link to that CX hairs... but at least it was short.

I did wind up watching this afterwards.

Ya know I am a huge fan of Lac and Alex and the whole Gone Racing program. So cool to see these guys get it. And to do it and to document some crazy shit that I love and relate to. I've written about it here a fair bit - no need to really repeat.

Okay now the delima

need to ride today - probably should get on the bike and just spin for a bit, but where, which bike, DUNNO.

ARGH here I sit contemplating that instead of just getting dressed and out the door before the first meetings of the day start. 

Being an antisocial introvert is awesome in these dire times of stress and worry and stay at home orders. 

But I'm also struggling with motivation, caught in the overwhelming level of little things do to. I keep tackling a few here and there but not even noticable. 

it is strange - do i delve more into this? of why things just aren't quite right? probably not.

I should just kit up, and grab the bike and just go for a quick ride - maybe to RISD farm and the beach. 

And now the morning pot of coffee is empty (i didn't finish it). I guess I should make another pot of coffee, fill up the travel mug and go for a ride, drink the coffee at the beach and come back. 

Super weird dream. I had just gotten back from something, foreign power had invaded and taken over, laws and rules changed, guerilla shit and all that and there was this building, mall like place, tiny stands filling it up, I have a $30, in two bills, and I'm naked running around looking for food, all the stalls are closed, but one, it isn't that late but worked my way around poked my head into the stall to see not food but a photo studio, woman asks if I want a portrait taken, i say just looking for food while covering my junk with two bills, she says it is worship service time, laws of the new regime say you can't eat or sell food during the service but you don't have to attend. 

Okay - make coffee - ride bike - get clean - sit in front of computer video conference cam.

heddwch

G

Don't come closer or I'll have to go

A line from this:

but really the best thing on the internet right now other than this:

so good
https://xkcd.com/2287/

Is this

That got me a bit misty listening to it this morning.

what a day

Squirrels were back, the hot chili oil I painted on everything dissuaded them from chewing up more shingles but the massive thunderstorm that rolled through last night after that knocked most of it all off. But I did have a live trap on the roof with some peanut butter. It was empty but the rain didn't wash the bait off and shortly after the chewing started I had one of the pair.

Now I'm going to assume squirrels do the whole pairing up thing, you know for reproduction and shit. The last time this happened I was able to keep em out well enough or soon enough that they hadn't settled on a space. These two were locked in and determined to get in.

The hold still trap as my brother calls em (hold still while they get dispatched) worked and cool, just ride em up the bike path.

it was a good run

that sense of finally having things come together...  kind of figures... took a pandemic to fuck it up though, can't feel too bad about that, def not alone but still... sigh...

eh? yeah it is selfish to feel this way, but I'm def feeling more depressed than I have in a REALLY long time. And that's saying a good bit.

I could complain but I won't. I'll say that having misophonia in a small house with loud eaters is not helping.

wave two

So, the wave of uncertainty hit a crescendo today. 

Crushing grip of panic and anxiety. 

Kicked off by what was supposed to be a reassuring email from work.

Funny getting the email while I was at the bike shop getting things in order for tomorrow's return to working the second job. 

Pausing to try to capture this moment of physical oh shit, arms tingling and stuff. 

It is now 5 hours later. I've talked with my mother. A childhood friend that I don't remember, if not a friend well my mother's friend's son, died from the virus. 

He died alone. 

That didn't help my panic. 

It transformed it though.

Watched making the cut as a family tonight. Finally something everyone could agree on. But if course we watched two episodes back to back... And there are only two episodes right now.

I'm still writing this on my phone. Other devices are in different rooms. 

I wanted to write about the start of Fleet week, but I might stop with it for a bit. Maybe tomorrow is a day for a break. If I don't ride, can't break the streak. 

And ffs I was doing so damn well. 

And here I am, no masks. And completely freaking out. 

Maybe I'll wake up and be able to write.

Right now I'm kind of at a loss.

A really low point. 

Have to rally, really just have to try and sleep.

I can rally tomorrow. 

Heddwch 

G

Ah the web logging time

More time to write now? Perhaps, not really for me today, but then I had to stop into the lab. Lock that shit UP. Shut it down.

Three more scopes to do this to, probably gonna wait till Thursday. Gotta catch up on class prep tomorrow.

So much for taking a couple days off.

Pain never hurt me like love...  awesome song by Foy Vance. Yeah. Still on that kick.

the whole thing

After dinner (it turned out really well btw)

I fired up Spotify - (not free one - yeah i suffer through the adds)  and listened to this album.

https://open.spotify.com/album/3tbEwZBvOPJFsY92FdW4mV?si=1OhyisCZTM-HykpLPqoFgg

So
fucking
good

Kind of funny, Gordon Bok was probably one of the most influential musicians outside of the classical stuff I listened to early on. Sure, moved on to some blues, the pogues, zydeco, metallica, rush, ska, fuck the genres covered with my CD collection are pretty complete. No fucking musicals those. fuck that shit. nope.  But Opera? Oh yeah, lots of that.

Greg Allan Isakov and this guy and the Avett brothers and Frank Turner... this shit's getting me through.

I'm sitting here at the kitchen table, rain drumming on the roof over my head, I can hear it over the earbuds it is so loud.

Not reading, not doing much, almost all the dishes are done. haven't seen anyone else in 30 minutes. Maybe they are asleep? Dunno.

Might hit replay on this last song on the album, could listen to it once more.

don't lose your guiding light - if you've got one

heddwch
G


awe fuck I shouldn't have typed that last part of the last line there...  now i'm gonna be wondering what mine is and why i can't point out what it is, guess I can transform it by pointing out I really haven't lived my life, ever that way. Everytime I find something that draws me in, completely captivates me and motivates me and feels like it completes me, kaboom - it goes away...  like that story I told y'all about Scheel and my drawings. Listening to it again, "whatever light leads you"

I'm a tumbleweed from the desert of my birth, rolling along, makes me different i think more than most. And that's okay. I am here where I am today because I rolled along, from one thing to the next.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

WHAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU

yeah - you can be like me - these corded headphones in the tablet cranking

Listen to Hello I Am Frequency Vol. 1 by FREQUENCY on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/frequencybeets/vol-1

can't hear anything else - nothing
but a few minutes ago i was literally
falling asleep drinking coffee listening to this...
so after who knows how many long tracks on this mix i started writing

earbuds ftw - this wouldn't last turned up without furious objection from the other occupants of the house right now.

day one of WFH with the whole crew is done...

I didn't even go for a ride.

I did spend the night worrying i had a fever because i was feeling warm (likely due to the metabolic boost from recovering from the ride yesterday but you tell a slightly hypochondriac brain that isn't more than that) should have been able to logic myself to sleep, but nope.

woke up really early tho.

made coffee, had almost an hour of quiet before everyone else got up.

actually got a good pile of work done, only had to do IT help for one today.
and I did a bit of sorting through wheels and stuff and reorganized the bike room, calling it phase 1 re-org though. need a LOT more work in there, but two bikes were outside and got it sorted before the precipitation started...

it did actually start snowing here, nothing stuck,

bike path report from E's lunch run was that it was pretty empty, not many people out.

guess the kids are all in school (at home) good. it is true last week was basically spring break for many schools, and people treated it as such. maybe this week we're gonna take the whole stay at home thing seriously.
Word from local ED doc is that they are well prepared here, stocked up, have been preparing for weeks, measures to deal with this, to ensure they have enough critical PPE were mostly successful. It is a little state but it is a comfort, hopefully it doesn't get too bad here.

Still that waiting - still the getting stuff done - patience - pacing - shit maybe i do need to get the damn trainer out. Banging out a few 20 min intervals or maybe 3 15s wouldn't be such a bad idea. or not, a long solo ride up to Tower Hill sounds better.

And hey maybe taking the day off today isn't such a bad thing for the legs.

Gonna make some dirty rice. Got a hunk of chorizo to cook up, plenty of cans of beans (thinking pinto tonight) use some brown basmati - handful of jalapenos and a poblano, some onions, garlic, spices- simple... Almost made some hummus today, maybe tomorrow. I wound up short order cooking lunch for everyone.  "Oh that sounds good, can you make me one too?"

nothing insightful or interesting today. i think i got a bit judgemental on teamsnacktwitter private chat group - oops. but for FFS people don't buy cheese that is pre-grated. Y'all should know what. I hope.

damnit - gotta do the chip baker drunk guy looking for interaction topics during happy hour post...  maybe after dinner.

or not

we'll see

hope y'all are well

heddwch
G

Monks of Big River

So we had Dirt Church this morning. 

On the way over it popped in my head. We're the Monks of Big River. Sometimes traveling to other places to ride, Arcadia, Burlingame, Woody Hill, we'll go other places but we'll usually gather to ride alone. 

And well, it is just a bunch of old weirdos. Social misfits, aka Mt Bikers. Monks of Big River seemed to have a nice ring. Better than Big River Monks... I think. Don't you?

A few extras tagged along, we kept out distance, but I did have to point out, if you can smell the other person, you can get the virus from them. Aerosols are pretty freaking tiny drops, and the high affinity that the covid has, well, doesn't take much to get the infection.

And to clear it up - just because you are asymptomatic or only have mild symptoms doesn't mean the exact same virus won't flatten and kill someone else in a few days. And yeah the O blood type is lucky, I don't think that's mine because my mother is AB so that means I kind of can't be O. I understand virology better than blood typing heredity, I don't know my dad's or i could narrow it down some more, or i could just get tested. Or fuck it doesn't much matter.

The riding out there was good. A week off wasn't great for my trail skillz. I'm too new to this to take much of a break. Also we hit the swoopy hilly stuff this week. We did hit dead people and I tombstoned myself and jammed the stem into my pelvic area above the junk. It fucking hurt. Yes, I just checked by poking around to find where I hit and it STILL hurts when I push on it. Gonna work on not doing that again.  At least I missed the junk.

Tire pressure could have been lower. Went 12.5 up front and 13 in the rear. Will try 11.5 and 12 next time.

Assuming we're allowed out in a week or less. Def thinking I will go out alone, try to get a better sense of where the fuck I am and how to get around out there. There are so many trails. We do things in so many different combinations that it is tough to follow. Things are familiar, but still not quite sure how they connect. I am starting to recognize the pieces but still not totally sure how they fit together. 

The bike is heavy, I am slow, hills... oof. I was also not feeling perfect, but a few others weren't and the pressure to hang with the fastest wasn't there, just hang out in the middle, survive. Have fun.

I had fun. Tank bike and all.

Bill Bragg has a good little song up now. It is very much the same thing as Colin's blog post but in song form. I'll be honest, it kind of hit me in the feels a bit.

If you like it - share it, maybe it will keep someone inside and away from everyone else.

I saw that G-ride aka Closethedoor aka the grumpy vermont guy commented that the only people making it out of this mess are the introverts. IT IS ABOUT TIME. Or something. 

Holy shit though my legs are shredded. 

Ouch. They are hurty. The not flat stuff and that bike means A LOT OF WORK. Really actually kind of wondering what a legit go fast bike would be like. 

Took a break there - between something and holy.

Syl actually really liked the idea and immediately thought of jersey designs - i think we need to make it happen. Can't wait to see what he comes up with.

Finding a work space of my own is going to be difficult. Basement might be the best option. There is the sweet kick ass rocking chair (bent wood amish thing - so comfy) can use laptop on that. Also kind of want to get battery for the Pentax Ashai, and some black and white film, and some chemicals, and the enlarger set up. Black out that window, could be kind of freaking awesome. Save that project for the following week. 

Also the big guitar is down there. Maybe I need to figure out how to play chords and shit. 

Kid is making food. Smells freaking delicious. Some "Sweet Greens" inspired food bowl full of stuff, there's some tofu marinating in shoyu, fresh ginger, fish sauce and garlic, i heard something about some wild rice mix (the bobs red mill stuff I got) maybe some harissa chickpeas or other roasty yummy. Double bonus of not having to cook tonight. Very under fueled for the day. This food thing, that's gonna be the most interesting. How do we deal/cope with this whole four people working in the same tiny little house. 

I mean don't get me wrong, i love this little house, but I'm also someone who really kind of needs alone time away from others, even my family. And maybe I found that clip there just a tiny bit too funny. 

Such is life, those that make it to the other side of this invisible storm, well, we'll all be stronger for it. Hopefully we'll be better, more compassionate and perhaps the country will find some empathy as well.

I should read more than I am writing. Just can't settle enough to read. Too many books over the last year? Something's different right now, I wonder what it might be.

Hmm...

Well. 

Y'all be well, stay healthy, stay away from other people. Seriously, flatten the fucking curve. Or at least stay out off the curve's way. 

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch

G

black hole sun

Was digging down the rabbit hole of stuff I hadn't heard, some Foy Vance, his cover of Purple rain was good...

Youtube's playlist put this up next...

So
good

music

will get us through
?
if not be the thing that does, it can certainly help along the way.

heddwch
G

Remote but not so remote

We had an issue, someone's authorization to finish up was extended beyond when we took the keys out of the laser things.

AKA shit is SHUT DOWN.

except well, for the exceptions.

and the exceptions were not shared with us.

Good day for a bike ride. Nice short 7 mile one. INTO THE FUCKING WIND.

and it was glorious. Except for the hundreds of people crowded onto the bike path. Ugh.

Took the bike with gears. Totally forgot I could shift until I got to the little rise/hill. Shifted. Then promptly forgot to shift back down for a half mile or so. Oh, right, click, click.

Kind of want a bell on this bike now. On every bike. maybe the bells will work better now that everyone is escaping to the outside, not just escaping (aka being outside away from the screens and headphones w/o them for a change - make sense? fuck it - you figure out what I mean - you might be used to that by now).

So I'm here. Fired up the system. Cleaned the objectives - fuck they were DIRTY. damn. Functional but needing some attention.

Fits and starts. I am essential personnel but mostly telecommuting. Access as needed but remote as much as possible. To be honest that little bit is a HUGE comfort. Even if I do manage to stay mostly at home. So I will pop in, do what is needed, and maybe do one extra very small project that can't be done when everyone is using everything. Patience and pacing, this is gonna take a while.

I have a feeling the grad students and post docs with external funding that will run out soon will start pushing back. But hopefully there will be a policy and an intelligent patient approach to bringing things back on line in the midst of a pandemic. We will see what happens.

Got stuff cleaned up, user showed up, fired up the desktop, and opened tabs.

Gonna have to figure out how to do this remotely more easily. Opening 32 tabs on my phone much less reading them there is nuts. No fancy workspace at home like Kent (doesn't that look sweet?) and with the work laptop (dell ultrabook) i haven't sync'd the other account with all the bookmarks yet.

But there were a handful of awesome nuggets out there in the web log internet realm.

Granted all of which I've linked to before and you're probably already looking and have seen before me but gonna document them anyway:
social distance DC style

Of course stevil has his weekly post up
and this line:

Certainly not to make light of the situation, but I’ve been quarantining myself for over a decade. Three weeks is a walk in the park.

yup us misfits and weirdos different as we may be - always on the fringe - have the skills to get through this, finally a benefit to being socially awkward and shy. F'YEAH!

Chipstick is back at it too. Dirt Church MOTHERFUCKERS also looks like services will be happening tomorrow, but I'm not telling you if you don't already know and we do generally always ride on the less popular trails (more rocks and hills) so hopefully it won't be too crowded there at our spot.

" I for one can't wait to be able to do a bad idea ride with my good friends. It will be like that first Ronde de Rosey. And we will end at a dive bar and have the best burger in our lives....be safe my friends."

Um what do I have to do to get a ticket on that ride?

Oh and Seth? Yeah he's got some good stuff up now too. Almost all of his posts are well worth reading through. Here one and two.

I was gonna do that food post next. Save that for more remote and food oriented mindset.

If I don't stick around to lock the system up, well I have to come back to do it later. I like that idea.

Just me and the white noise from the air handlers.

Keep your shit together. This is gonna take a while to get through. Here's to hoping it ain't that bad, but if you prepare for it to be, well, the relief will be as good of a drug as you can find.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers
heddwch
G

too far away

Words in the lyrics as I opened the tab to start writing...

The resolution of this situation seems so far away.

I'll be honest, I am realizing I feel more calm and at peace than I have in a long time.
A sense of knowing something so large and unimaginably traumatic is happening out there in the world, different countries are responding with measures culturally and politically in line with their identity.

two weeks

I've been hearing that a bit, rephrase, reading that.

Two weeks before shit hits the fan.

or so, i read the PDF from that commission doing the eval for the UK and the US. Fucking NOT COOL. Actually it is intensely fascinating, but terrifying at the same time.

Something completely new, unknown.

I got things sorted out mostly at work today. Still kind of frustrated that instead of taking next week completely off I need to work on the new second half of the course I'm teaching.

Realized today it kind of bugged me. What's the point of taking the time off if I'm just going to be home anyway, might as well work.

I would love to predict everything, even hazard a prediction. No clue.

Not true, I'd predict we're going to get it mostly contained and then kaboom another flair-up. Repeat until an effective vaccine is made. And then keep repeating until the whole population has been exposed or vaccinated.

I rode the Black Blue today. Feels weird. Kept forgetting to shift. Also kind of fun to ride a bike that much lighter. Hell it is still in the really heavy range for a bike, but compared to the orange surly or the stache is a feather weight. The tires are worn out, the drivetrain is stretched to about 2.0 but it pedaled. And was a fun change of pace today.

Looking like rain for a few days, may just need to chill, skip the bike maybe. Don't want to but I am not supposed to go to work so no critical reason to ride outside.

what is normal now?

we're on thin fucking ice...  when do we fall through...  will we be able to climb out?

heddwch
G

WASH YOUR HANDS

Check with Alton Brown - or share this video with others. Yes - bar soap kicks ass.

And yes, again, hand sanitizer is close to useless, but also even with some utility should be thought of as useless relative to good old fashioned soap.

I guess for the bike mechanics: wash your hands all the time like you just had to remove a drivetrain from an excessively lubed but totally worn out and never cleaned bike.

Think about the greater good.

Chip said it i think in his words from Sunday. I will have to say, over the years, i've become more physically distant from others, fewer hugs, and all that. Stoke can be shared w/o contact. it is good practice now to become more self sufficient, even if riding in a group. be prepared for your own shit. if you're one of the assholes always mooching off others, change your ways. If you're not one of the mooches, don't ride with the mooches. Pick your riding partners well.

Sobering bullshit going on out there. The predictable response from the idiot masses that actually voted for the spray tan grifter is, well predictable, if they kept with their own it might be fine but it is impossible to prevent contamination.

A word to those out there saying "Pfft no big deal, only 3,000 dead in the last two weeks - 113k people die each year in cars, or pick some other mortality statistic." That's not how this works. 3k times 26 is what? And that's assuming there's linear growth. That puts it right up there with the leading sources. I don't need to say this to anyone who might have found this bullshit web log, y'all know it. Others don't.

yes. the flu shot is a stupid cash machine, it does reduce the severity if they catch the formula correctly, but won't prevent someone with the flu shot from spreading the virus. And maybe spreads it more because you don't feel sick enough to stay at home and so you go to work and everything while contagious.

I hope the death toll stays stable and doesn't ramp up. I hope it is just infectious and benign. And yeah it is what everyone is talking about, what else?

Jill's latest is a good read.

Post title is from Stevil

I have to say I appreciate Seth's goal here. Baking is good. I bought extra flour for that fact. I don't have nearly enough to last for weeks on end.

Things are about to get worse. Not better. even if it just from more and more being locked down. Not sure what is going to happen.

I had contemplated going to the store today, grabbing a few more things. I think there's going to be a second wave of panic soon, but I also don't want to contribute to it by heading out now. We can wait. We can ration. Some people can't.

That fuckton of unknowns out there... 

I saw this and like it:

Let's reframe social distancing and call it the physical distancing and social solidarity movement, we need each other.

I like that quite a bit. Def have been using the phrase physical distancing instead of social when i can.

I did go to work today. Nice quiet super cold ride in. Headwind and high 20s and maybe I should have covered my ears. Pretty quiet here. a decent amount of stuff to do in preparation, and very very few people here so easy to keep my distance, plenty of stuff to decontaminate surfaces with. Building air is a good % of outside air, not recirculated.

Good luck out there.

stay safe, stay healthy, be kind...

Amor Fati Motherfuckers
heddwch
G

time to Freak the F'out

Maybe not for you but for your friends and relatives who are entertainers or in the service industry who don't have any income or savings to fall back on.

Buying those gift certificates to your restaurant keeps the owner's pockets lined and gets him through this, not the staff who aren't cooking taking or serving your order.

The musicians who rely on live concerts? Who don't have the social media or internet presence to leverage or monetize or the money or skills to get there? They are hurting. This is peak cash flow for most of the Celtic musicians out there. They are kind of f'd.

Did you go stock up? Lucky you. What if you can't, maybe you've got some serious dietary issues and can't do the whole closet full of pasta and more or less rely on buying fresh food to prep once a week or so. Can't stock up, but also old enough to be in an at risk group.

So, um, yeah

Skimmed this last night:

The Washington Post: A common artificial sweetener might be making you fatter and sicker, a new study says.

Shocked (no not really).

Y'all still washing your hands?

Cloud of uncertainty has just kicked up to the zero visibility level.

I was still pretty wrecked on the bike yesterday from Tuesday's ride.

oops well.. there's this

Sound of Thunder

was not fictions

this is f'n crazy bat

Feb - not bad
24 active days

Total Distance 343 mi
14mi less than last month

Total Time 35h 33m
4h less than last month

Pretty good for a short month - even if it was a long short month.

Check out my activity on Strava: https://strava.app.link/6KR1FEWxH4

Posting that thinking about it and it came up somewhere else and it was on the clipboard and i plunked it down there.

balance?

restored a little, surprisingly or not it was after hanging out at the Bike shop up on Hope st.

What's the name of the shop? Ask me at the end of March.

But just hanging out there talking about riding, selling, fixing and history and all that stuff was good.

Not as in I want to should be doing this full time, no more of a there was something missing and it was the shop. whats the term for polyworkory, you know polyamory for work/job. Like you need more than one to feel complete? That a thing?

Or is it just me?

I didn't actually do any work but well, season is starting soon. We'll see how this plays out.

Chip posted some bullshit about the complaining leading to anxiety click bait thing that probably showed up on his fruit phone as a targeted hippie love happy faceplace thing. I mean that with all respect, for the marketing people that were able to target so successfully. (winky emoji). I've been both w/ or w/o the complaining, disconnected, i'm just broken most of the time.

But maybe more whole soon?

Got a sweet new pump in the mail to talk about, try out share and show off. I am excited about it.

DIGITAL GAUGE MOTHERFUCKERS! 1 PSI accuracy. How precise or calibrated? DON'T CARE - gotta be good enough to be repeatable and WAY easier to put 11 PSI in those 29r+ monster truck tires on the Stache.

Also no reason not to ever get the pressure not perfectly dialed. No more meh close enough.

LETS GET THIS ON THE MONEY NOW.

No, i have not taking the packaging off. 

It is raining, and snowing, at the same time. The mix was just starting as I got home.

Maybe tomorrow, or def before Dirt Church if I can make it there with what's going on. And no, I don't know quite what is going on other than maybe finally i'll have a mobile device that won't need to be plugged in and have a stainless bolt mechanically pressing into the back to work. Kind of still undecided about size, go bigger (easier to read/see photos/edit them longer standby battery) but bigger not fit as well in pants pocket. 

I like the EFTA breakdown/explain about what each series stands for. 

Kind of want to do them all, but shouldn't. Also like I said before - ignore the series and just do the ones I want/can and maybe not do all the SS ones maybe not all the Marathon ones, or maybe do them all...  WHY NOT.

Def need to get some lighter/stronger wheels. Maybe find a race tire with more bite than the XR2 that doesn't weigh 3kg like the XR4. okay they're really more like 2.2kg, at anyrate they are not light but they are grippy and predictable and confident.   But that said there aren't many light and aggressively knobby 3" tires. 

Time change this weekend is gonna make Dirt Church hurt a bit more but maybe that's a good thing to get ready for a really early start to Monday.

i just think both of those things means another long week.

Maybe i'm just feeling better from not seeing all the horrible shit happening via the twitter filter. Or not feeling like I'm missing out because i'm not actually in the group of closely connected people doing cool shit but i'm close enough to find out. WHatever it is it is good.

Although - After the way the week started and kept going - not many ways to go but up.

Hmm...

talking about cycles and highs and lows and peaks and valleys. In cycling is the peak the good part or the valley? you get to the bottom of the valley and you're like awe fuck now I have to climb. maybe the climb is relentless and twisty and you can't see the top, and you're a big clydesdale, a classics rider, a sprinter, in other words ginormous compared to those climbers. The peak, the summit is the start of the good, the valley is awesome as long as it stays flat. Headwinds are fine down there... I guess a mental up and down doesn't have to be literal in the cycling metaphor.

Maybe I'm in the valley, hey, need a draft? sit on my wheel for a spell, as long as you need. I'm feeling like pedaling into the wind right now, esp after that stupid motherfucking hill. 

#AmorFatiMotherfuckers

heddwch

G

tough

heartbreaking? yes... you can see the emotion in everyone.

Milliman crushed it with the film.

the film work is a dramatic style/content contrast to the Mindful series that Castelli did with Sam Smith, preferring one to the other is possible while still respecting and appreciating both of their craft.

Just got another HUGE monkey wrench change tossed at me. still reeling a bit.

unsure how to process, react, what to do. Challenges something that has been a steady constant for 5? years. Fuck I don't remember now. Been a while. This change has enormous unknowns, perhaps there will be no change... time will tell.

I didn't make a second pot of coffee today (don't worry they are only 6 cup Chemex pots) first time all week and

I
am
dra
g
g
g
g
ing

I like being so caffeinated that I can see sounds and hear colors.

well until it is time to sleep

then it is kind of the worst

so much for leaving early.
best just say hey chat later and all that

heddwch
G

switched it up

it is a Frank Turner evening

with a side of beans and toast

unexpected and delightful side effect

if anything can be a delight in this funk...

delightful may be a literary hook, a complete and total exaggeration probably...

so i should go back and edit out the and delightful but whatever

it was windy this morning again... headwind mostly, Daffs are up, the simple heritage variety from Wales my dad had growing in MD are blooming. Well some of them are. The ones i put up front. May just need to move the others - I think they are popping up veggie stuff but not reproductive flower stuff...

5 years of them blooming. Put em in back in '14 when we moved em out of the house down there.

Then I drove with my dad out to CO, had big plans to talk with my dad on the drive about stuff, we kind of just sat in the truck and appreciated the geography of this big ol diverse country.

Ohio down there near Dayton is certainly the flattest section of highway until you get to Colorado and the plains before the front range.


Funny, this song just started in on the playlist....

I got thinking about it all - timing was good, I got to hang out with my dad before the first decline, then headed out for a week with my brothers before the second precipitous one... then the visit last spring before he broke his arm and took another turn for the worst.

There's a complicated mess out there right now, my brothers and myself, we're all kind of the same, similar strengths and weaknesses, I'm by good measure the stupid one, the least socially adept, most awkward, no gifts. The two out there have a lot of work that has to be done in person, keep your shit in order folks.

I've toned down the level of mistakes today, back to almost normal, can't shake the cloud, the funk, the feeling. But is is kind of cool not knowing what happened with the politics crap, not hearing about Covid-19 or seeing more empty shelves of useless* hand sanitizer or complaints about people wearing masks that have no idea why they need them or what they for. One that wasn't from that place, person wearing mask stopped, removed mask (improperly and unsanitarily) and coughed into their elbow then put the mask back on... awesome... the only significant utility of the fucking mask is to capture shit coming OUT OF YOU. It does dickall for dealing with stuff coming in. Okay fine, it does a LITTLE bit of good, but really not much, and is very poor at preventing getting infected. A properly fitted mask is good at keeping whatever you have inside you. AKA the exhaust ports on your fucking face.

I'm still in a fucking bad mood i guess.

Why are people so dumb, and at the same time why do they think they know everything. Yeah thanks for handing me that mirror.

I guess the side effect is that there's no new outrage to push the last one out. but that one kind of sucked on many intertwined levels. Best load up on coffee - pull my socks up, punch the wall, take a deep breath and move forward.

heddwch
G

No Hard Feelings

Here's the last one for the night.

In light of the day - and how it went down - listening to this reminds me maybe something that needs to be said.

I do not have any hard feelings, i have memories that are emotional, i feel wrapped up and personally invested in certain things that i shouldn't, i speak from a depth of knowledge and experience that is hard to convey and usually comes out wrong and with all the worst nuances.

I'm weird. Not normal.

An evening of cooking eating and doing nothing more than listening to this stream...  has been good.

not quite a reset but this song helped rebalance.

and makes me feel like I should really emphasize, i have no hard feelings, i am where i am and have what i have from the journey. This mountain bike stuff is pretty awesome...  the work is crazy and only frustrating because i'm involved with so many amazing projects and my failing lets others down, but mostly myself.

Lotta words today eh? Hobby blogger motherfuckers...

i'll figure this shit out... once I stop bouncing at the bottom, or roll to a stop... i'll pick that fucking rock back up and trudge back up the hill. Maybe i'll make it a little farther next time before getting knocked down.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

August Clown

apro

just

wash your hands

hand sanitizers are what they are, they are a poor substitude and if EVERYONE washed their hands then THEY WOULDN'T be putting gems everywhere.

That's kind of the point I was trying to make this morning when i got attacked for giving a shit about other people and making a reccomendation to EVERYONE to wash their hands so others won't be as exposed.

I'm going to leave the typos and the misspellings in here tonight.

The point has to do with 20 years of studying and helping investigate biofilms and viruses.

it is okay though - don't wash your hands, rub your eyes grab a door handle.

also don't touch your face.

it doesn't take much to transmit one organism...  all it has to do is get on your hand, then you touch your face somewhere and that one lands there, protocol for using alcohol as a sanitizer is kind of nuts, aka you have to cover the whole area, not miss any spots. that's hard to do with that gel stuff, takes a lot of it. Better to have everyone washing hands.

Also just better to have MORE people washing hands.

Don't @ me. Don't email me. Don't comment. Just wash your hands. Skip the hand sanitizer, or walk past it to wash.

Sure there are plenty of times when you may want to use that stuff and can't find a sink. Will it make the difference between getting infected and not? Probably a big fat nope.

Better off just wearing gloves and not touching your face.

A barrier is better than decontaminating.

But hey, I'm only saying this so you help prevent the spread of the cold, flu or whatever pandemic is en vogue.

The number of asymptomatic people out there, that should terrify you. Esp since we're all likely going to be in that group at some point or another.

So. Since you don't know w/o constant testing if you are healthy or asymptomatic...

just.
wash.
your.
fucking.
hands.

and skip the hand sanitizer (this statement isn't meant to be an absolute blanket for everyone, for that 0.01% out there just make sure you use enough of it to actually be effective and you hit every exposed contact surface or where contact surfaces have touched)

are you glad I haven't gone off on the mask thing yet?

Soap works.
DO not use that antimicrobial bullshit either, just, plain, soap.

twitter vacation should be good - already bored - still pissed off - day really hasn't improved - got absolutely fucking soaked on the ride home...

dinner will be ready in 30 mins or so

heddwch
G

enough of my bullshit

after my late morning twitter meltdown (something different - and unexpected and so what the fuck in my head that i still can't wrap my puny intellect around it) and then subsequently erasing all of the morning tweets - clean up the slate fuck it.

turn off notification on the app, remove the app icon from the pretty much dead and barely hanging on phone

twitter break.

fucking everything's going sideways best to push away... dig deep and sort out this shit w/o outside influence...

But there's other stuff out there to read:

go read that instead
https://pvcycling.wordpress.com/
http://www.kentfackenthall.com/the-immediacy-filter/
http://velocb.blogspot.com/
https://allhailtheblackmarket.com/2020/03/everyone-has-a-plan-until-they-get-punched-in-the-mouth/#more-74914
i'm sure there's more

i just didn't find it or read it

it has been a really long time since I've had any physical manifestations of emotional state - it is fucking terrifying

time to finish lunch and be a pro

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

you know that thing

where you know you shouldn't because you've been around long enough to accurately predict your emotional reaction but you still go ahead and do it anyway?

And you do it and sure 'nuf exactly how you thought you were going to feel is how you are feeling?

And then you tweet a reply to the comment that pushed you over the edge to listen even though you'd manage to successfully and then have Bill say exactly the correct thing but for likely the absolutely wrong reasons and make it worse than then you tweet back and then delete all the tweets.

Decryptic paragraph right there. And NO I don't do the podcast things other than emprical cycling. Right now I can't even get myself to listen to audiobooks like I have been doing other stuff. Just can't. Yet I somehow started listening while getting ready to go this morning. loaded it up on the phone, carried the phone and the external battery around with me all over the house then stuffing the phone and the external batter with the headphone in my ears and rode to work and timing wise? took me that long to get ready and pedal.

Hey there was some good to come out of it. I was entertained and more importantly was distracted from really appreciating how warm and gorgeous it was outside. I don't even remember what direction the wind was blowing to be honest. It normally is one of those days I'd get in and want to check in on everything, deal with emergencies and head back out and find someone to chase up Tower Hill and get back in time for lunch.

Didn't even bring a jacket to work. no gloves, still overheating. And sunny, and actually feeling pretty good on the bike inspite of not sleeping well.

Probably good I don't have a woop dee doop or bitty fit thing or whatnot to tell me how shitty i slept, i can accurately predict my reaction and still ignore it.

I guess in a way today picked up right where i left off, by making stupid mistakes.

and damnit Co-Star is WAY too on the money -no i not my thing but i saw the IG stuff posted by Finch L once and whatever maybe i look now and then.

AND ANOTHER MISTAKE - hey we're here for the training session...  um what?

guess who didn't book the scope and someone else signed up already?

it did seem odd that I hadn't scheduled a session this morning - everyone else seems to be taking my fuckups WAY better than I am. except the food/dinner thing last night - the kid is as pissed about it as I am.

One fun thing, if I eat with a smaller than normal spoon (i usually prefer spoons that can double as 1/4 cup measurers - aka I'm ginormous) aka teaspoon size my mustache stays WAY cleaner.

Well, maybe the forecast will be wrong and it won't start raining until after I'm home tonight.

heddwch
G

redundancy

is a good thing for productivity and continuous operation and esp when system fails.

AKA someone gets sick. Without redundancy that person will just keep working... or everything will fall apart.

There is zero redundancy here.

Been contemplating this today a bit.

In between realizing/reminded I did NOT bring enough food with me to work and a lingering swelling of the glands and just generally being overwhelmed.

(wrote that last week - oops well here we are)

wideo content from the wideo guy

(spot the freak - see also - everyone else riding in Big River is wearing orange except this group from mass)

feeling better about weight

no not my weight - i'm still ginormous

That was a good one

So good.

The Mountain Bicycling thing.

There's something to riding with fast people. You ALWAYS feel slow. Esp riding with fast people on trails they know REALLY well.

Hard to appreciate until you ride the same trails with people who have never see it before who aren't as skilled or as good as the normal crew, okay that's not true, there were tons of skills but the group was big enough that most people weren't at the level of the normal crew...

Got a chance to appreciate the dirt church crew by riding with a huge JRA cycles crew. We'd gotten back to the cars, Syl and Steve were done, Burke was going to head back in with me and then this huge parade of folks rolled in, none wearing orange. Dudes this is fucking Rhode Island - you gotta wear your fucking orange - or so I've been told.

On the tail end of that was Dirtwire himself. Motherfucking Thom Parsons.

I headed over - not intending to join, but well... burke caught up and we all chatted - esp since we're both friends with B-Mac and Heather was there...  Bikes are fun.

it was different riding with this huge group, pace was WAY chiller than following fast freddie and syl and steve. was also fun riding features more slowly and better.

Syl mentioned last week how he learned more from riding with the slow group in the woods when he started because the pace let him relax and hit the lines more slowly and learn more than going balls out and not having time to think, only react.

Am i any good? I'm not terrible, i'm getting better. and sure the mid-fat bike is kind of an easy button but fuck it - i'll take the weight penalty for a bike that fits really well and it isn't like I'm gonna win a hilly race anyway.

My turning is getting better, the bike feels more an extension, conscious moves are now becoming instinctive. I still couldn't find my way out of Big River alone. Proved that yesterday.

in the end I wound up with over 20 miles (strava says less but the 510 has proven to under-report by 10% or more in those woods) and the first two hours blazing fast and fun (i was slowest pretty much most of the time) and then the next two hours just chill and fun and chatty and rolling stuff.

Fun to hang out with Thom and B-Mac on mountain bikes. CX is cool but man i love me some mtb riding.

Would love to figure out more than just a weekend thing. But even that is awesome. esp since I can pare it with trips to trader joes, and golden market and do some of the weekly stuff at the hugest of the 3 WF. Gotta drive to those, might as well do some mt biking.

New wheel hasn't broken, i'm def digging the reduced engagement with the 54 teeth, i can see how the next level would be even better. Tire pressure - getting close to dialing it in but man it is tough with the gauge to get it the same everytime.

I went with the Elite bottles instead of the camel back ones, downside was i didn't have enough water to join the big group on their whole ride, nor any food. Or tools, or a phone (it died in the parking lot and I said fuck it - and left it in the car). But the van started at the lot to leave and at the chinese market (the same fucking mushrooms are $3/# there vs $6/# at Shaws and WF - and they have that Korean cabbage and great ginger and noodles).

Had a nice recovery tailwind this morning - weather is awesome - or was - probably dark now. A good monday.
Esp since one of the grad students i've been working with on the big scope (problems last week - but fixed them) brought me a Knead donut. So good.

damnit - looks like  headwind home, oh well... it looks pretty light... oh and it is f'n toasty warm still 50 out there...  CRAY ZEEE

time to pedal -

staying positive, moving forward, amor fati

heddwch
G

Amor Fati

right...

Amor Fati

Deep breath, relax, release the tension...

dissipate the building frustration...

never let it impact others...

you don't know what anyone else is struggling with...

don't add to theirs...

break the cycle...

be the quench not a catalyst...

Amor Fati

heddwch

G

What is it with all this

I know i kind of overloaded my plate.

I feel like I'm at a potluck and the super sturdy plate I got and loaded up with delicious food is kind of melting, you know those paper plates right? They feel awesome when you pick em up, but before you can find a place to sit down and dig in it starts falling apart, you've gotta support it with both hands or risk losing all that food and the line is REALLY long and there isn't any extra food and you're really hungry.

And just when i find a place to sit down with a table to hold up the plate someone else grabs the spot...

keep walking, looking, the only person at this potluck w/o friends looking out for them, saving them a spot or able to go get a back up plate.

Rushing from one disaster to another.

Sorting them out each time.

Dealing with new wrinkles at every turn, every step. it is almost 5pm and writing this is as long as I've had to not move in two days.

Home late last night - made dinner, ate, and then suddenly it was late.

Up early to get in to try and recover lost time from yesterday. It is a different non-stop. I've had plenty of not easy, hard, physical labor jobs. I'm not afraid of hard work, but this is a different level of madness.

But then I have kind of been going non-stop since Jan 1.

Got a phone call about the blood work. Doc left a message, opened with "Well you don't have Diabetes." my internal response was WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE NUMBER no mention of the K levels so i guess those were fine too. LDL was one unit higher than the one the commission of pharma docs decided was the elevated line. One unit lower and no big deal...  Sigh. High probably because I keep wrecking myself pedaling that monster truck bike dragging my fat ass trying to follow the little guy with skills. repairing and shit. you know, fixing damage.

or it is all the unfiltered coffee I drink.

or there's no problem.

pisser was "I don't know what to do about it other than drugs"

Ain't NO WAY IN HELL you're going to get me to take any drugs to adjust those levels, Absolutely Fuck, NO. Freight train to bad health and complications and increased risk of death and the side effects? NO WAY. also why? For what reason? there's enough really good research out there showing a disconnect between these numbers and CVD.

I don't need anything else to get me wound up, but then there's the soybean oils and fuck I give up.

Fine - you like margarine? Go for it. Eat indigestible bullshit that ACTUALLY CAUSES CVD all those seed and veggie oils and stuff...

Fancy scope breaking, hours later and I get it back working, me, no need for others, but just because i can doesn't mean it was easy or i wanted to...

This is playing right now...  appropriate or not the musical vibe is a good one

Is this the best recording? i dunno - it is good though...

i really don't want another coffee but kind of feel like i need one to get the last pile of shit down before riding home and making dinner...  and then the aura of the sunglasses breaking, phone not working if it isn't plugged into battery backup or power (teather or die) and then the paralysis about getting it replaced, with what, how much? fuck, change carriers? why is shit so expensive, swappa used one? i dunno - sigh - def overwhelmed.

but i'll keep looking for that place to put this disintegrating plate full of food, i'm sure i'll find something, at some point... just not now... i just better not add anything more to this plate

heddwch
G

Damnit https://youtu.be/NFXZNt4oLkE just started playing on the auto-play after the above... guess I can sit here for a few more minutes listening.

switch flipped

more like tripped the breaker, blew the fuse, resetting is way more difficult than tripping it...

was going great...

then not so much...

finishing a book (War Girls - really solid look into some current and past events in Nigeria/Biafra with the future as a place setting) with a frantic pace but satisfying ending... eat some food that i was cooking while listening to the end, lose every tile shuffle game i try- i'm usually good -can't buy a win, brain must be really scrambled...

i feel like it is...

the light rain was cold, very cold ride home, the bubble of the book in my ears, the narrator, the unfolding plot line, blossoming into completion was really very much an effective armour against the weather.

The 10 day incubation period seems to show up, everyone else here seems to be sick after the visit from the sick college kid 10 days ago...  or timing is just coincidental.

Trying to make it all work, I keep adding stuff to the pile, not really taking anything off or making much headway with what is already there. Dishes, stuff, bikes, work, life, fuck it, deal with it not when you should but when you absolutely can't put it off any longer.

This feeling sucks, maybe it is just being tired. That really strange night last night, long day, rainy ride home, get home and dishes and food prep, cooking and now to clean it up because no one else will is a bit exhausting.

And it is only Tuesday.

only tuesday

heddwch
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mountain bicycling

Total nuts o dreams last night.

Like rando - ditching the volvo only to replace it with the old black passat and then to realize i have to get a new plate and then oh shit - inspection...  weirdness with all that.

some how convinced CF to go MTB'n early one morning, Nate was in town, we were ready to go out when this race group shows up to race the trail, that CT junior program run by the other junior program woman from Mass and everyone doing the race has a little square number on their shoulder and they are talking about pancakes (aka back boards) and airlift locations along the course, this is Big River or something like it, not quite BR tho, and i had known about it but passed on paying just to ride - but forgot that they were showing up, they all take off while CF is getting his bike together at the car, Nate asks if we can day of (listed as pre-reg only) and she says sure no problem, $12.50. The last of the racers are just rolling out of site, nate signs up, I almost sign up but thought CF would rather just ride and not compete esp since we're so far behind, Nate's amped to see how many people he can catch i'm torn but gave in and decided to just ride and sort of wind up deciding to ride with CF and follow the trail markings and act like official sweepers. 

and then i woke up, never got to see what CF was riding. Nate was on his enduro bike with a full face helmet on a flat XC style venue but with lots of very technical rock sections. 

Rideable lines for the Stine, L'Heureaux, Pirro, Grimely, Mottram crew, not so much for me.

I will say it has been cool actually noticing progress riding technical sections. The ones we hit in BR are short, but some are still tricky for me, and I still occasionally fuck up Fosters going up it. Going down it is easy, I'm not super fast, aka I'm the slow one in the fast group, slowing them down. But it is still new, I'm getting better at it, and I'm trying to keep up with a few fast XC guys on bikes that are 10 pounds lighter than mine and who are 50+ pounds lighter than I am, and this isn't something I've ever been good at, the technical rock sections. But finally this bike seems to let me figure out how. Or it is just easier. I think kind of both. The downside is weight but the fit is good.

Def got the seatpost height sorted out, no more lower back pain from riding it. Just burning toasty legs Sunday night after riding in the woods. Even though I'm riding super slowly for only 2-3 hours, it is pushing me hard. Good training I suppose. 

The heavier new tires are better, but with these bigger thicker knobs I think there's more sidewall flex than whole tire flex. the XR2 knobs were small enough that they didn't impact deformation, a very different ride, at same pressures the 4 deforms a bit more, not a bad thing, something to get used to.

In addition to killing the Van's battery while waiting for syl to fix his flat (with my bottle of stans from the Jandd pack) i had forgotten to top up the fork. It actually rode fine, but bettter not to forget to top it up next ride. I think doing a Dirt Smackdown mid-week would be a good thing, the trails aren't that crazy on a MTB but they are still trails and you don't have to drive anywhere.

Oh - right - Chip posted, a good one, but he launched it after i had done the open all tabs yesterday and I never went back later to check for new content, http://velocb.blogspot.com/

writing with coffee, in bed, with two dogs curled up sleeping next to me is pretty nice. Not nice is how poorly i slept and how awake I was and how early. 

Still waiting on the EFTA schedule to drop, need to sit down with the calendar tho figure out what's going on and when i can't and can race...  gotta make a plan man, also should get out on the road or something, maybe, or not...

need to break the hold the dogs have on me right now...  getting some coffee and then going back to sleep is kind of nice, probably a bad sign, should cut back on the coffee.

Oh I was going to do a blueberries should only be used in pancakes in season or frozen from local places. Like CX. Best fresh but sure you can ride your CX bike all year but it is different. Seasonal eating. 

Best not to delve down the food rabbit hole. Already had a little convo with Amanda K in the store last night, she had a thing of unsalted butter in her hand, the kind with popcorn flavor. Bad shit. Suggested she get the organic one, unsalted but w/o the flavoring and much better taste. No reason to bake a chocolate cake with shitty butter. 

outa here - well once I pack lunch, gather my shit - likely to be a wet ride home tonight, best not to wear the street clothes I did the last two commutes, but both of those days I swung through WF on the way home and for some reason the store was f'n packed last night, did everyone forget to get something shopping over the weekend like I did?

no snow at least, i'll honestly take all this 30s and rain if it means no snow...  

heddwch

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the physical memory prompts

so visceral...

when you find something you haven't seen in 15+ years it can unpack a huge set of memories you'd never have unlocked without work if at all.

Cleaned out the last of the stuff in the barn, left a lot of wrecked shit with history to it there to be gone. Sure I'm a little bit of a pack rat. I've talked about it here before, how it is a very valuable character trait when running a facility and you need to keep everything going and something someone else would have tossed keeps a million dollar microscope working, even the quarter million dollar one... or the hundred k system. Keeping them running and making it work with less downtime is important.

Hanging on to your grandfather's stuff that was your grandmother's because, just because, stuff you never used, but moved from place to place, eventually winding up in the barn in a box that got wrecked from weather or mice or whatnot...  or hanging on to the roll of fabric from dupont, fancy cordura that you got to try and make a few wheel bags in 1997, and just moved that roll of fabric (sealed and wrapped in plastic) from place to place. It is wrecked now.

It is just stuff. It had a use, maybe not for me, but a use and there's a part of our culture that embraces the minimalism of not carrying around things because you can get whatever you need at any point and it is new. That usually implies not hanging on to stuff that isn't perfectly suited, isn't used at all, but could be at some point. The disposable society, combined with instant gratification.

There's a terrible stigma associated with hanging on to stuff. Now hanging on to kids clothes when it is pretty clear that you aren't having any more kids, even accidentally, reaches a point where yeah okay lets move on from there, but anyway. Out in the barn were two filing cabinets we got from University Salvage at MSU, like a lot of our stuff. There's a huge desk out there, got it free, movers kind of wrecked it taking it apart to get out of the basement but moved it anyway and well...  it is wrecked and while I'd hoped to use it again, the house after the apartment wasn't large enough, still isn't large enough but we're emptying it out.

Hey anyone want a piano? Upright, really good sound, needs tuning and to be taken out of the house. Free, just come get it.

In the filing cabinets were files, tax, old long closed bank accounts, I found paperwork from Seattle, Maine, CT and Michigan. Just for me, just for banks. I was reminded my first credit card was a Ford Visa, turned into a Citibank Driver's edge...  never used the benefits associated with it, never purchased enough shit to make the benefits useful. But I had TOTALLY fogotten about having a Seafirst Bank account. Of course it is now BoA. Stuff like that and then piles of graduate work, all the research articles I'd painstakenly photocopied to read. To use. And then I actually found a file folder full of papers i'd written as an undergrad, like on Kant and other shit. Tempted to keep and read them. But no...  they went into the recycling pile and the account statements went into the shred/burn pile.

Now this all went with a some CRAZY mofo dreams. Had a bunch of weird ones lately. All people I know, but this time it was all mixed up - 35 years of people in one place (my head)...  But that remarkable nature of the power a physical object has for recalling a memory, or a series of memories.

Memories that we lose or forget, but they are packed away in the brain somewhere. And that is just FUCKING UNBELIEVABLY COOL! Fuck, try to find a file from three computers ago. Good luck. Even if you have double redundant backups, it isn't easy. But our brain can be given a clue and it all gets unlocked.

I should write more but it is late, I've had a loooong fucking day and I forgot a few things grocery shopping in the midst of the car having the beginnings of a dead battery. I mean I just put a new one in it in 2014, shouldn't be THAT toast right now, except that well that mini-van runs hot, the battery is hanging out near the exhaust manifold, and I replaced that battery in 14 and the van was new in 09 and it is now 20...  Riding was good. maybe more on that at home tonight with my feet up and some time to write. Although, not sure if that will happen there.

Sure - down time is a luxury, it is wasted productivity - who can afford that except those who willingly exploit others?

On that positive note here's a few links to highlights from today's read-all tabs (I opened this to write after reading that then got busy and well 5 hours later here we are)

http://drunkcyclist.com/2020/02/14/gonz-for-president-2020/
and associate video in particular: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZBBjqnLzw4

good read here: http://www.kentfackenthall.com/house-of-sisyphus/
and something for Kent and his moment of low tech analog lifestyle pining:
https://www.thisiscolossal.com/2020/02/justine-haupt-rotary-cellphone/
(i'd be all over this if I actually talked on a phone, and no my phone actually kind of doesn't work anymore w/o being plugged in, aka that's kind of not so good eh?)

Dirt before gravel: https://pvcycling.wordpress.com/2020/02/17/dirt-before-gravel/

you know, I know, gravel fucking SUCKS to ride on, worst of the worst. Dirt roads? Delicious and awesome, and why we've been riding on them the whole time and loving it. Is a gravel bike a CX Bike? That's a bit of a decent discussion but not really. They are different. A gravel bike would be a SHITTY CX bike to be honest.

okay - that's it - no one else is blogging lately - Stevil has stuff - don't forget to catch his new content and that moment when you notice someone IG feed is strange, and then the V-day post and then you are like that's weird to be now saying this about your wife, except to see the FB status as Divorced and that wasn't the case during CX but damn he's gonna be kicking my ass even more in SSCX next season.

Unless I can get my ass in gear.

I was going to stop writing and leave wasn't I...

damnit

heddwch
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almost lost it

my voice that is...

Give me a mic, i've been talking all day long, in complicated technical instruction or troubleshooting or tours or lectures all week. Probably talking more than sleeping. Voice started to crack this afternoon about 1...  3 hours later and it is still here.

The ice on the path was a bit sketchy, the rain froze, but with the strong cold wind out of the north, even with below freezing temps most of the path was rideable. The ice covered bits were scary but I managed to navigate successfully. Jason showed up and so I picked up my pace to try and match his into the headwind.

Might be able to get home before dark today...  if I head out. Def easier to leave from down here at the remote location.

Have to make a detour for a few key dinner ingredients though. I could go up and over the hill, or around. Around is mostly bike path, gonna do the around, I don't feel like trying to go up and over on the 48x16, or 46x16, either way f'n tall for the east side hills. No need to torture the chain more than necessary.

I hope y'all are having a great day and celebrating and stuff if this is your sort of holiday. I certainly don't mind this one as much as others but i don't really subscribe to the patriarchy bullshit and pressures developed and culturally encouraged. Hey lets make asshole dudes feel so put out and obligated that they create an anti-valentine day in March and call it Steak and Blow Job day.

On that note - i'm gonna head out in the colder than it was this morning bullshit and hope for a tailwind with a heavy backpack.

Dirt or not dirt will be the question this weekend.

heddwch
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damnit chip

so yeah, blogging is dead, long live not blogging.

It got me thinking and I almost started replying more to the tweet. Blogs that are just race reports, or only nucleated by a race report that cover all sorts of stuff, aren't the same as a regular blog with race reports. I love a good race report as much as the next blog surfer, but if you only post them after a race and only after a race, sure, i get it, pro and all that, regularly posting is better than not. But really, no one has a right to say what should be in a blog - it is the person writing that decides, no one else. So do it, don't do it. I'd certainly appreciate it taking a renewed turn, use twitter for the cliff notes version.

Open tabs has been trimmed way the fuck down. I should post that group of links some point, again.

And yeah, I had blog worthy shit happen last night. But no way to blog it other than trying to do that on a phone and fuck. that. too. slow.

Now, home, after the gallery show closing reception (low turnout, didn't actually talk to anyone about my work that was up there) and cooking dinner because no one else has yet...  and writing.

Commute tonight was legit good. Cool and damp, but not raining. Had been raining on and off all day. 30s. And by the time I headed home, tailwind. So nice. Bike path totally empty too.

Yesterday I left the office and it felt amazing, something did, I felt free and light and this was fun and...

fuck...

was how it went, it felt like that because I left my backpack, with my keys and building access card, in my office...  walked right out the door, closed it, outside, on the bike, rolled away, three blocks later weaving through.

Damnit.

but it was a nice ride home unencumbered and such.

Data didn't sync tonight or it did and i can't see it/edit for the correct bike and add the commute label.

Been switching it back up and mostly commuting in cycling kit this week, because of the rain.  Not fun riding in wet heavy pants.

Bones UK kicks ass - just realized they were nominated for a Grammy, touring with some bands I've got no interest in seeing tho... but their Official Music Videos? Fucking LOVE IT - solid black and whites. Not like (sorry) the soft and to me cringey bayer mask noisy Mindful vid series... style, i know. Bones UK black and white is what I prefer between the two.

I need to make more art, fuck...  time...

Running ragged but good, intense but not quite keeping it totally together but could be worse.

Anxious about the blood work of course, a 3 month follow up, man, could be bad, could be good, it is that unknown thing. NEED TO KNOW!  NOW!

Chip's roll call though? Come on man, don't blow my cover! But Carl's got a point with the beastie boys (twitter shit yo)

Gotta crank through the books, well at least get through Tochi Onyebuchi's book and then start in on The Dreamblood Duology, the hold came in. Still waiting for The Three Body Problem, put that on hold back in december.

Instead of reading i'm writing and cooking dinner...

the cooking is going much better, duh...

man i am tired tho...

wired and hungry...

Oh the gallery reception - man do we ever give the big old middle finger to non-drinkers. They are more inclusive of the vegans than the sobers, fake cheese, tofu burrito stuff... three kind of beer, two different wines and ...  sigh ...  bulk ice water. It is okay, one less thing to carry, was able to shove more chips and quac into my mouth without trying to hold a beverage.

Gonna see if I can work the magic and get on the MTB again this weekend, new and different wrinkle is threatening to displace all other options. Maybe I need a weekend off? NAH FUCK THAT LETS RIDE MOUNTAIN BICYCLES!

if we can

heddwch
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