PacNW visit

 Usually when I'm here this time of the year it is for Yuletide concerts. Me, showing up, staying up immediately until at least midnight and then progressively later, spending hours a day in the car, eating sporadically dealing with sound check and the down time and the set up and pack out and moving on to the next place.

Never time to be here at home. And when I say home I say the place I grew up, my childhood house. Is it home? In the where my home is now? not really. But 'home' is still the best simple descriptor and isn't wrong. It feels good to be here.

But kind of like the last trip, sleep is elusive, in large part to the 3hr time difference and my body wanting to be awake at 3-4 in the morning but not having gone to sleep until 10 or 11pm local time, well...  it is also just so tired that it wants to keep sleeping. And the coffee situation is different, but it is just me drinking it, but gauging how much to make and suddenly it is noon and I've had three french presses made too strong and still feel the need for more coffee.

Time here has been good though. In spite of the exhaustion and the driving the first few days. Yesterday finally we didn't spend hours in the car. Nothing is close here. On the other side there are a big pile of people I really want to see, some I haven't met IRL, most probably busy until I leave. That's the peril of showing up and being here during the work week no where near seattle where everyone seems to live.

But I've seen my brothers, I've played with the babies, I saw my sister's new house. I've walked on trails I've walked around the farm, we've driven way north to look at puppies. Drove across the bridges with full Mt Rainer on display, saw the totally white peak of Mt Baker, saw both the Cascades and the Olympics at the same time. Still no ferry trip. Hopefully tomorrow. Busy day of driving tomorrow but it will be with my mother, get to meet her new cardiologist and drive her around. But together. 

There is this place called banner forest. It was never a thing before I left. Now it is a trail runner mecca and sounds like a few MTBs ride it. It is buff and smooth and all blue and green trails but it is just over a mile away (up and down one of the steeper hills around). Walked there yesterday with my mother, heading over to walk there in a few minutes. 

Last night was the worst night though, wound up with my sinuses packing full and feeling kind of terrible, and felt like i'd wake up, roll over, then the next thing I knew i was waking up and rolling over the other way, endlessly. Feeling better after downing a bunch of water and getting some coffee in and taking it easy. Now just feeling tired. 

It is peaceful here but so far the restful side has been elusive but that's not why I'm here, I'm here to spend time with my mother and stepfather, help a little here and there, but mostly just really spending time together. 

I'm grateful for this chance and this opportunity. I can work on recovering when I get back.

heddwch
G

at least

 i'm not a commercial content maker.

this seems bad, really bad. Do pro bike racer VLogs count as commercial video? They are undoubtedly promotional videos and i'm sure some of them are shot on federal park land. From what this sounds like they'd need to get a permit before shooting the videos.

yeah these guys seem a little off in some ways but not in others, a good balance, professional is probably the better way to put it.

but I have found their videos about Lake Mead informative and entertaining and it reminds me of fishing with my dad. We used to fish A LOT with him as kids. The fishing suited him, it was a quiet activity, but one with a goal, and honestly a bit competitive. Plus there were four of us brothers, so when you have a limit, 5 people can get a lot of fish. And before he left for the East coast the two of us would fish together because I was the only one old enough. My dad and I spent many many HOURS sitting silently fishing in the boat. Kind of set up our relationship of silence.

One I try to break with my kids but I'm also discovering that I'm really shit at having conversations. Okay with teaching and talking about specifics and facts and stuff but just talking about shit, not so much.

Sorry this web log has gotten a bit, well, deep and personally introspective. At some point I'll turn it around and face out and engage.

Hopefully soon.

Heddwch
G

Here's a link to the rules: https://www.nps.gov/aboutus/news/commercial-film-and-photo-permits.htm

looks kind of unambiguous but IDK 

Usually I'm okay

 But every once in a while things fall apart. 

The not riding is not helping. The inconsistent coffee. There's nothing left in the pot when I come back for some and then I have to make a whole one and then drink more than a cup, but then want to come back to it and there's no more (more people drinking it here). And, well, it has been a bit of a problem mostly in that I really can't judge how much I'm drinking. I need it but then can't tell if I've had too much until about 11pm until 6am. 

Happy Jolly capitalism indoctrination day

 Wishing y'all a big happy holiday. 

I hope you're warm, happy, or at least have coffee and some peace.

It can be a tough season, I don't get to call my Dad and wish him Merry Christmas in Welsh. 

I still think far too much that each moment and second is precious and then get despondant that I'm not absorbing it all in and then depressed and overwhelmed with a panic attack that this is it and when my brain stops working I stop being and then there's nothing left. And so yeah, unintentionally giving myself a minor episode. 

Fun stuff. 

For now, soak it all in, be kind. Love without restraint.

Some capitalistic garbage said no one cares how much you know until the know how much you care.

I care

be well

Nadolig Llawen

heddwch
G

they say time off the bike is important

 To reset, to recover, to take a break.

Bringing the laptop, maybe i can fabricate up some work, actually, well I say that and I've already thought of a few projects I can work on. Great.

Well. such as it is. Almost packed. stuff is ready, I was ready to fall asleep at 7:30.

Probably because I got home at 3pm instead of 6-6:30 pm. 

Habits, conditioned responses. 

Really would like to give the Festive 500 a shot again. Someday. Def not this year. What would the MTB version be? 500km on the trails is a LOT maybe the Festive 250, dirty version. 

Something to think about, maybe for next year.

Weather looking pretty shit too. Massive storm coming in on Friday it looks like, plummeting temps after all that rain? Should be great. Esp as it freezes and then thaws just enough to get slick but not sloppy but them maybe thaw enough to get sloppy. Who knows. Maybe I'll have a chance to find out.

It is late for a post. 

It is what it is, I don't have a schedule or a plan for this. Never really have.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers,

Heddwch
G

changing gears

 Got started in on watching this guy's stuff. This is the second video i've watched this morning (pausing to deal with stuff - but also, honestly, professional development, esp in regards to my course I teach in the spring).  

His theme in this and the other is basically you can get as good of a black and white image from a color sensor as you can with a black and white sensor and potentially make an even better black and white photo from a color one than you can with a black and white. 

Huge perception shift for me in some ways. 

podcasts

 I listened to one just now. 1.5x speed of course. One of the people there was talking fast enough I might have been able to get away with normal speed but it was also long and I didn't have that whole amount of time to work. 

Had a thought - if I was doing this I wonder if people would have to slow my podcasts down to understand it. First assuming I can put enough words together coherently enough to make sense, second given the popularity of this smoldering 40 yard dumpster, I probably don't have to worry because no one would be listening to it.

Tomorrow's weather is going to suck. So tempted to drive but also parking and walking, I'll spend 5 minute walking in the rain times maybe 4 because of having to move the car which is basically almost as long as it would take to ride in. And belgian points or something.

There was a path in the thought that I started with and somehow lost.

maybe I'll find it on the ride home. 

maybe, but probably not.

and this is probably why no one reads this thing

heddwch
G

Static - me vs mundanes - now what

 Being told the only way to win is to play but when you're solidly neurodiverse, well on the spectrum, esp on the social interaction side, that's kind of the biggest reality check that, no, you might want what the normals have, what the mundane's show off as the way to be or whatever but you can't get there. 

And having someone, preface the you can't win if you don't play, with I know I might be coming from a place of privilege, kind of adds more sting to it.

Picked up on the PBA Season 3. Annoying but good content. Running it at 1.5 speed of course. Should have waited till Ep 10 dropped because now I don't want to wait, I like binging seasons. Not being dictated. Start with Ep 1 if you want. I rec watching at 1.5 speed but I'm an outlier. So maybe it doesn't work for everyone.

So few photos

I took none, had no one there capturing ones of me. 

It feels weird to have such a strong illogical desire to see photos of what I just did, while at the same time talking almost no photos of others myself. I don't deserve to have the occasion or event memoralized in photos. But I suppose that's the nature of solo. 

I made it to work. Morning annual physical at which my doctor was extreme flattering and happy with my checkup. I am shrinking more than I would like, my former lofty height of 6'6"is a thing of the far distant past. my current 106kg mass is probably contributing to that. 

Staying home sunday was tough but made easier by being the correct call. I should have planned to stay there Saturday night, but the alone part. It would have been very much alone vs just a few hours in the car alone on the way home. 

Maybe next time will be different. Rumor has it CXNats returns to Louisville for 2023.

I have to delve into a pile of everything now, might find more time later to get some more of this out of my head.  For now watch this.

Preferably full screen

brief wrap up

So, I raced. With the conditions I predicted two laps if I started in the way back. 

I got two laps in but only caught by Kerry and McTubbin. No one else. Second lap wasn't fast enough but it was faster than the first lap. 

Race predictor had me beating 8 people. I finished in from of 10.

Race predictor also wouldn't have staged me in last row. Minor but big difference.

Call up rankings from USAC has me predicted second to last. 

Finished 82 on a course with a ton of slick muddy sections and lots and lots of running 

They did check tires, good. Tires I put on were very much better than what was on there but could have been Limus level. Or Vittoria full mud. But even then probably not much difference.

I'm glad I did it. It def sucked getting pulled, but I knew why and hey Kerry was turning some inhuman lap times. 

Might go tomorrow, bring the jumpsuit, spectate, socialize, all the stuff I really didn't have a chance to do today.

We'll see. I'm tired but held it together today.

Full unpack later.

But yeah, I'm slow. But it was expected so I'm okay. 

Heddwch

G

today

Took a while to fall asleep.

Eventually did, woke up at 5 something, closed my eyes until 6:10 and just got up.

With this song in my head:

"East bound and down, loaded up and truckin'

A-we gonna do what they say can't be done

We've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there

I'm east bound, just watch ol' "Bandit" run

Keep your foot hard on the pedal

Son, never mind them brakes

Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make"

When I got to the Son word...

Well yeah that's not unlike something my dad would have said.

Good words of advice for CX

I'm standing here in the bike room barefoot (unheated/outside-ish) while the dog is doing her thing. At least it isn't warm. 

Had a thought sometime between the lyrics and going outside though.

I wonder if anyone else who raced the singlespeed CX race in Bend in 2009 is lining up today. 105 there, 100 today.

There are a few who raced in 2016 in AVL on the start list today. But not many.

Trying to find motivating points.

Was doing not great but ok by the end of day.

And then they posted the call-up/start list.

I'm in row 13...

THIRTEEN

Out of 13

I was in a dark destructive mood when I saw that. Here let's give Kerry and Jake a 2 minute head start just out of the gate. Yeah why not.

Heck Larry Purtil is starting a few rows in front of my. I mean good for him, very happy he's up there.

And yeah maybe if I had raced a few more USAC events my points would be higher than zero. I understand but MOTHERFUCKER WHAT THE HELL!  

Finding that but about starting dead fucking last was brutal. Really fucked me up. Sure I know I know. It's probably where I belong. Probably not far from where I'm going to finish but... Still. Seeing it there. Maybe I should have left the fat tires on.

But guess who else is back there?

Anthony Clark. I'm actually pretty stoked to line up near him, just become he's just so awesome.

And Spencer Hackett, he's there with me. Nick, fellow NBX kid, is also right there in row 12. Why? Dunno. But at least he fits in the team skinsuit. I'm gonna be in the least pro looking bullshit kit over ever raced nationals in. I do honestly really wish I had for into the team skinsuits. The XL was way too short. Couldn't stretch it over my shoulder. Over ONE shoulder. Didn't even try to get the second arm in.

Pinned my number on the jersey last night. Like a 'pro' so at least I can do one thing right.

Food? Maybe can do that right too. 

Racing? We'll see.

Fingers crossed that 44-19 (same as 42-18) works, it feels right but who knows.

It is also the first nationals I'll be racing on an actual SSCX bike.

I put the Girl Talk All Day track on this morning. 55 min ago. I cued it up last night and it helped a bit while making dinner.

'Rewound' it to start at the beginning this morning.

Have to leave in less than two hours.

Should probably get on with the routine.

I wonder what the course is going to be like today.

Same game plan tho. Ride like fucking hell. There's going to be 100 people between me and the guys hunting me down. I just have to race to the line every fucking lap. Been told they are only pulling after the finish. Going to be a brutal few laps 

At least it isn't Ashville. It's pretty flat. But still those run-ups are going to hurt.

Best get at it.

Heddwch

G

damnit

 Probably shouldn't have hit play and left autoplay on...

As much as the original is untouchable, I hate to admit I like this version even more.

Adam Fucking Myerson won his race.

A bright spot in the day.

CTodd did really well.

Paulie B made it on the lead lap in his race.

Happy for those people I know. Almost called them friends. But, people that I know feels like a better label. 

There's a department holiday party upstairs, beer, wine, maybe food, but also people.

I should go up but I can't get out of the office.

So I'm sitting here trying to catch up with all the backlog, trying not to email.

AWE MOTHERFUCKER

guess what just started playing...

no, seriously, guess...

San Luis.... https://youtu.be/7BJ7MDOmLPE

I tried to cue that song up for him on my last few hours with him. Wanted to share the song that captured his favorite part of the country. The place he chose to live. 

I couldn't. No cell coverage. that one spot, worse cell coverage than out in rural Kitsap county... 

Yeah, well, here i am....

fuck. 

The Eye...

 not listening so much to the lyrics but the gorgeous melody and perfect harmonies

If it wasn't enough

 to be all 'worked up' about racing tomorrow...

I've been thinking about what today is. 

Had another I'm an idiot moment

 As in what the FUCK am I doing even thinking about lining up for the Singlespeed Championship race tomorrow?

Like as in Seriously. W.T.F!

and we progress

 perhaps, or we persist. 

Ice weasels was Saturday. Headed out, drove the 2 hrs there, walked the course in the rain, saw a few folks, def thin, light attendance, lots of no shows but still a good number racing. 

Mud tires were a good choice. Other than i had little to no confidence turning on them, but that is maybe more me than anything else. Straight line they had fabulous traction in all the slop and slick conditions, and they broke free predictably enough. But those downhill sweepers got in my head. I think I probably could have gone faster, should have at least, but didn't. Still worked pretty damn hard, sprinted at the end, didn't win any raffle prizes, drove home in the dark, for two hours. Called a few people after the book ended. 

Tried to take sunday as a rest day, it worked pretty well. HVR on monday was as good as I've ever seen it. And still only good, right in the middle. Today was average. Yesterday was normal, long, bike commute, making dinner, that stuff. This morning, same HRV (almost) as Sunday AM. But at least my HR isn't too bad, 45-47, not bad for an old guy who doesn't train properly or live like an athlete.

Gonna be a lot of driving between now and next monday, but hey we drove to Boston for three HOCR days in a row. Hartford is a little farther tho. Had thought maybe to do the drop off here at 1pm, drive to Hartford and try and get back here by 4pm. But it is mapping out at an 85 minute drive. 10 minutes to park, get to the boathouse and back to the car and drive back? And hope the return trip takes the same amount of time? Yeah no good. Whats the point of driving out there all the way to not see the course or anyone while there. Also, unless they let me into the special dropoff/pickup area there was no way I could even run from the parking lot to the boathouse in 10 minutes, much less run there, get packet and then back to the car in that time. It might be a good venue for racing but it is absolutely shit to get to and park at. Like horrible. 

So Thursday it is. 

And me sitting here in the car, trying to relax, trying to conserve energy, recover, making an attempt to manage my constant fatigue, making an attempt to minimize exersion. Still gonna be a bit stressful trying to get home, not terrible, but not gonna be fun, then there’s the cooking of dinner that has to happen. 

Such is life. GeWilli disrupting the gender roles since forever ago.

Ice Weasels. The bike was good, putting the 22t cog on there and the old chain was a smart move. TIres also. It would have been miserable and impossible with the 19t and the 38 slicks. 

Most people with disc brakes blew through them, down to the metal backing plate. Because hydros, esp SRAM have almost no clearance and the mud was so wet and sandy it more or less just ground both down over the race. My mechanical TRPs were fucking perfect. The dual sided piston movement means that they pull back, quite a bit. So the only wear was when they were actually being used. And I knew what was in store so I looked at the pads before the race, by eye I couldn’t tell the before and after difference. The bike was coated in mud. Cleaned it off, overhauled the pedals (took the pedal body off the spindle, packed it full of finishline grease, put it back together), cleaned and re-greased the non-driveside BB bearing and just cleaned everything, brush, compresed air and pledge. Got the Fast wheels with the 19t back on the bike and it is ready to go. 

I’ll throw up the photos soon, i’m offline right now. 

Been trying to just be, a bit more. Kind of working.

Words just not flowing at the moment. Need to pause and? Maybe come back to it before too long.

--

was a long wait, wound up just listening to some more Reacher. 

But somehow I got home completely wiped out. Driving? or that specific driving. or the waiting. Something wore me out.

heddwch
G

What is the difference between love and time

 it is a riddle deep in a short story by a fabulous author:

https://www.tor.com/2022/11/23/the-difference-between-love-and-time-catherynne-m-valente/

You should read it. You probably won't. That's okay. I only read it because It is quiet, a slightly odd friday, after a long week.

Now what have I gotten myself into

 Of course i finally read the tech guide for CX nats.

Guess I should maybe plan on going over one of the days to check it out before saturday and pick up my number and wristband and all that. But WHEN and with what car? Two car and three drivers is fun. 

But now I have idea.

Hmm, throwing up a random hail mary.

The idea is equipment drop off requires a wrist band. You can't get a wrist band from equipment drop off but to get the wrist band you have to go to the entrance or packet pick up and thus kind of the circular logic failing for those who aren't arriving early and might be treating Saturday as any other normal day. With miles of walking between car and race course. okay not miles but still pretty far away. Course is only open for practice for 20min at Noon. Not sure how it is going to work to get properly prepared w/o a team tent or support or a trainer or help. But at least there's time to get there early, pick up packet, go back to car get stuff get to course for pre-ride, get back to car, eat, warm up, final prep, get back to course. 

But hey, it won't be anything new or different than it might have been at Providence or worse day two of Ashville where I was literally miles from the start with the car.

And all that isn't even the point of the title. I think I want to submit a gallery proposal for an installation that isn't finished yet, a bare few samples into the whole process. BUT I do have plenty of example works to present alone with the one I have started on.

Downside? It is a lot of work to finish in the next two days with not much time to do it in, and well I should be working on that now instead of this and the above about the race and getting there and those logistics.

Would be easier if I had a car to use for the day. And while that's still an option, I'd rather not deal with that added challenge.

Okay so all that, and everything else. Oh and ice weasels. And Tires. Fucking tires. I forget what I did last year. But i'm honestly just thinking fuck it - leave the same damn ones on there. Probably the wrong ones but they are 38s and by the end of the day the course will be packed down to the point where the basically file tread will be functional. maybe Nationals will be the same too. Damn kind of wish the PDX had showed up. maybe they will.

Ugh SO MUCH.

But really not so much. It is pretty clear and approachable. Except for the mountain of everything else not mentioned.

And adding the proposal to the mix really kind of tips it into the oh shit meter. But I'm okay, just kind of overwhelmed and wondering how to get it done, as I sit here and type on the web log not getting it done.

If you haven't seen it yet, grab 5 min and watch this:

Danny at his best, it is smooth and impressive even if it doesn't always seem so.

Now I need to finish up my 'lunch' break by swapping the creaky alloy post from the Crossrip+ with a new Carbon one with offset.

Going to put off actually eating lunch until after the next meeting. Maybe I'll get through the afternoon more productively.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

when writing hits hard

 So, what I wanted to do over lunch was read something. Something new. Something not professionally polished but almost there, something worth while but not crazy curated. 

I wanted to spend lunch doing what we might have done 15 years ago. Reading blogs. Read a post, go to the next one, read another post. go to the next one, maybe comment, maybe not. No like button, no thumbs up.

Just reading. 

Doomscrolling and reading was somewhat possible on twitter or facebook but those are too active. You can't really stuff your face with a salad, and click and scroll and eat. Youtube is possible but I'm not seeing anything on there to watch that i want to right now. Nothing grabbing at my attention. 

So I opened up all the tabs. Lots of dead pages, some decent content, a pondering about an Art page and wondering how much it costs to get them to pay attention to something (probably a fuck ton, in my perspective aka probably chump change for most), and then so, many, empty, blogs. And Jill's page went private, and that was sad, I hadn't read the last post because I was saving it for a time like this, where I needed to read. Like compelled, needed. Not just wanted.

So I kept closing tabs. tab after tab. The Ryan Kelly posted something about a car, and all the cars some guy bought last year. Drives home that resource inequity point, and provided a glimmer of hope that maybe we'll see more like that. But many of the regulars whos blog hasn't gone offline, still aren't posting. 

stevil has been doing a great job of being regular but even then, because he's set a defined schedule, it often doesn't feel genuine, feels kind of forced. He pretty much has admitted to that in the past. 

not many others. 

and some that do, well sometimes I am not in a mindset to read or the first few lines keep me from going further.

one of those is often: https://citsb.com/  That has been changing and evolving over the years. A distinctive and unique and usually raw series of stories. 

The first three up there right now hit home pretty hard today for some reason. But it was good to read. And first instinct was to share on one of the bazillion social platforms. But I paused and thought, no, I'm going to put this into long form. I'm going to skip trying to pack all these words above here into ~280 characters or less and let it flow a bit. 

At the same time it should would be nice if everyone got back to taking a few minutes to put words down. So we can read them. Because it is a much better way to communicate than with a curated blurb or a single photo. Both are good, but also very different. 

And if it is written down I can read it at my pace (not slow) w/o having to find the playback speed. And the reality of it is, I can't always listen to stuff. Music works while I'm working. But when I take a break I want to read. It is different.

Also a quick clarification. Ge, Gewilli, graywilli even (for one person specifically)...  not Greg (yeah I can't explain it either), Geo (he's way faster than me, smarter and lives in NZ), or Will (my cousin and others, but not me)... but to be totally fair, it also doesn't matter. And on that topic of the letter G. I did learn how to write it cursive. But fuck me if writing it like that ever made sense. Not sure I could scribble it correctly anymore. Like almost immediately my signature started with a big G looking shape. Never that however you write it (not sure there's an Ascii -just checked- nope), but i guess you can check the General Mills cereal box. Maybe that's my first subconscious avoidance, distance from boxed and packaged cereals.

Speaking of - reminds me about laundry detergent. Can we just rewind 25 years and go back to that box of Powdered Tide/All/Whatever? You know the Cardboard box with the handle in the lid, the one you had to make sure to dissolve in the water before putting clothes in? The precursor to the watered product in the plastic container? 

Progress? or Regress?

Theme eh?

heddwch
G

Reset?

 Yeah, two mtb rides in the woods and I'm feeling good.

is it really that simple? 

Perhaps.

There's still a fuckton of shit going on. But manageable? Maybe? And we're probably tired of turkey. A 30# bird as a LOT of meat on it. A lot. 

But it is good and all that.

There's this guy out there. He's literally one of the best people I've ever met. Like up there with Mark Nicholson. Genuinely and literally the best. Kind, generous, understanding, loving, and fast. And all bikes.

He showed up in the memorable Geekhouse kit in NECX in 2011. A bit after the establishment was established but he was immediately embraced. 

And was routinely embraced, literally. He is just as much about the hugs as I am. 

He gave me shit that first CX season I was sober, rightfully so but also in a way that was supportive. Like Hey you dummy I've  been sober for [however old he was that year] but also with a good bit of I'm proud of you and am happy you've chosen that path and I'm here for you.

I've written about it here, but that ride last year at Crosstobeerfest. After my dad passed. We had a few chats off the course but that lap we rode together, side by side, talking about our dads, about how similar it is. Literally his reason for being there was to spend some of the last time with his dad. I had just gotten back from saying goodbye to mine. I've always felt connected and a shared something with him, maybe just out love of bikes, or maybe it is that spark that he has, that Mark had, that I connected with and not so much fed off of but being around him, just seeing him, was SUCH a positive boost, couldn't help but be a better person for just seeing him. 

Anyway, there are a lot of vloggers out there, and my habit of cranking the speed up finally met a match. And actually it isn't surprising. This 'episode' was just Bradford Smith talking. I tried to follow some of DK's earlier stuff but subject matter is important. And this subject talks fast enough that I could comfortably listen to him at normal speed. Rare.

Usually I'm "SPEED UP STOP TALKING SO SLOWLY" and then bump up the playback speed. not here.

Take a dose of life advice and maybe get a super SUPER tiny glimpse into what makes Bradford Bradford. This video needs to be 10x longer to even scratch the surface. See if you can catch the Matt Roy reference.

 

I'm doing better today, hoping it lasts. Riding in the woods on the MTB with fast friends is good medicine it seems.

heddwch
G

sporadic

 need some regular level shit here, looking back and Thursday was the last one?

It is wednesday and a whole heap of shit kind of noteworthy has happened.

If i rewind to the bike, and the seatpost issue. The set back on the cheap bontrager post I pulled off the e-bike worked but man it was creaky and protesting. And at one point there was a bit of a 'crack' creak sound from it, maybe the rails on the saddle or the post itself? Nothing actually fell off or got loose but it was a little disconcerting. 

death, grief, tired

 it is strange, and challenging, I'm tired, productive, but definitely not living like an athlete. I'm tired. Been thinking about death a lot lately. Going to help process turkeys tomorrow. Process is a direct and accurate way to describe killing and preparing to make ready to cook and eat. Death follows us. My mother isn't doing well either. Her heart is not strong, and honestly I'm terrified. And petrified. She has a new puppy coming in February, her daughter is expecting her second child in April. She's doing her thing but her thing is to do too much all the time. And we're coming up on Yuletide season. 

That was personal, a lot and maybe too much to share but it frames where my head is at now.

And no, I really haven't shaken that feeling that clamped me in the vice on the morning late in August in 2021.

Jill Horner, one of the original and fantastic bloggers, shared a link to this story on the nazi-infested microblogging platform now owned by that idiot's version of a genius. 

I finished reading and just had to stop and reflect.

So I came here. After re-tweeting of course. 

Give it a read:
https://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/561/grief-almanac-for-an-apocalypse

No, I can't appreciate the full depth of the story, but as a biologist, and a more sensitive human than most it seems, I understand it and understanding sets the stage for an emotional response.

So thinking about my mother of course makes me think about my children, I think about the generations, how I reacted and responded to my mother's parents, wondering how my parents impact my kids, where do I fit in the cycle and what can I do to make things better? I don't know but I try.

And I think about the time I have left. Of course I shouldn't. Need to focus on the present, absorb and relish and cherish every moment. That's much easier said than done. The dark cloud boiling out of the election as the political party hell bent on destroying America (in my opinion) took back control of the house and shit's gonna get crazy before it gets better.

The climate? Yeah that's a problem. the possible and potentially eminent demise of that micro-blogging platform isn't helping.

And I'm supposed to race bikes on Saturday? 

Gotta move forward. 

Amor Fati Motherfuckers - even through this kind of shit

heddwch
G

VALI

 Vali is amazing. 

Sturgill Simpson has a good tear jerker to change the mood...

at least he

 didn't claim it as official because of the film crew.

I get the rule though. Anyone who does any 'insane' distances. Having people around makes it easier. Having a film crew traveling or meeting for parts of it? even if unpredictably, are a mental boost. Very very very different than totally solo.

But on the other side, the FTK really should just be the FTK. Throw an asterisk on it or maybe have two? I dunno, he still had to pedal it himself and for some people listening to music is as motivating as seeing other humans so, maybe there needs to be a third rule, no external stimuli, no music, no iPod, no headphones. Maybe just an inReach mini and nothing else. Batteries only for your lights.

I dunno. Not my circus, not my monkeys, no one would listen to me anyway. 

I get that whole all day thing. Honestly I need another one. sooner than later I think. Kind of would like to do a big stupid long MTB version but where around here (other than the North South trail - different logistics) although, it is very high on the list of wanting to. Kind of thought about checking in with a friend about the fesibility of doing a 6 or 12 hr of Big River... Couldn't use the more bony trails but I think could still come up with a good loop. 

Monday morning armchair

 Okay, well there are no arms on this chair. Used to be but I took them off. 

Crossresults says it was a great race. But I think I got the benefit of a REALLY stacked field and no scrub. Except me. 

it was rough, like I mentioned. the whole forgetting to hit start and wondering why i wasn't seeing the four or five red LEDs on the headunit. Race brain thought maybe it was the bright sun. 

People kept talking about the wind. I really didn't notice any. Other than the start stretch and lack of wind.

Katie got a good sequence https://katiebusick.smugmug.com/Really-Rad-2022-Sunday/i-n6fJp66 kind of want to put them all into a GIF but that's work. And my batteries are fucking empty.

Strange. That's sort of the underlying story. Batteries dead. Mostly mental it seems, but def some physical overheating and tired elements on Sunday. Feeling a little sore but really not terrible. So that's good. Calf is twingy but not terrible. 

Oh meant to order a seatpost. Shit better get on that. Not sure what else I need from them. I'm sure I'll think of it as soon as I order. 

Crap - forgot where i was going when I started this...

haven't done this in a while - there was a post planned...  a story to tell but fuck it all if I remember now

maybe i'll remember on the way home

riding in the dark

at least I remembered to charge the lights, here's to hoping they stay charged.

heddwch
G

that'll teach me to be optimistic

Race report.

It was not my day. Had a good couple laps. Calf/knee held together, twinged post race but was ok during the race. 

Was too hot for me, I was cooked. Yep laps were good but when Jason went around I couldn't stick. There was nothing there. I kept trying, kept pushing, but then when the UCI kids started flying past my head was on the swivel and my rhythm was gone and I just was rolling around trying to stay out of everyone's way.

It wasn't great.

Lots of good prep before the race today at least. Yesterday and the week? Maybe not so much. Too much. The sunsets were great but not everything else was.

My back started feeling like shit too, def need to go back to an offset post. I'm too old to be tweaking the position. Also maybe it is because I'm old and less tolerant of physical variations that I have to get it just dialed.

I'm bummed about the race. Am very grateful to have seen and gotten hugs from really good people tho. JTJ, RR, DL, RS, JM and JM. 

OK time to shower.

Full breakdown later with a keyboard.

G

Darkness approaches

 It has been creeping up. If you're out of bed (locally) by 6-6:30 you know. Darkness is already here. The evening commute still has light though, and gorgeous sunsets. (I've been posting them all on IG, there's a link on this page to check the photos out if you like). 

Sunday the darkness shifts, shifts to night. Commuting with lights in the dark starts Monday and the months of night riding begin.

I did sign up to race this weekend. I resisted my normal habit of signing up for both days, just because it is a two day race doesn't mean I have to race both of them. It isn't like I've been racing, am competitive or anything else. I want to race, yes. But I think it is the wise move to just do sunday. I would have signed up for both but was encouraged to do just one and that makes sense given where I'm at. Also I've discovered rest. Weird right? Being rested is a good thing. CRAZY TALK. WTF. Not being insanely worn down and tired makes it easier to go harder on the bike? Why hasn't anyone tried to tell me that before? 

Took the massive over-training last year even with the bad back to really start to understand, and then the days off, here and there, being rested and pedaling better. Even if it is just a really fast Monday and Tuesday after a light weekend. 

Knee is feeling better, well the calf is, but something about the bike position on the Crockett is wrong and it seems to be making the old sub patellar pain come back. I think I can fix it by sliding back on the saddle. I took the Specialized offset post off because the single bolt isn't enough to keep the saddle in the correct angle, I'm too big for a one horizontal bolt seat clamp. Need two bolts or a vertical bolt. And offset. At least I'm guessing it is the offset. Not sure. Need to spend time trying to figure it out. The Black Blue does seem to feel right. The MTB does too. The Crockett and the Surly? Not so much. 

Need to work on the second edition of the bike fit jig. Maybe incorporate pedal? I dunno. Would be nice to pedal without pain for once. But the calf is feeling good. Managed to snag a $50 discounted race license so I'm all set. Doesn't feel like it but man 52 looks old on that thing. 

So racing sunday in the singlespeed race, against a huge pile of fast folks, none of the slower participatory NECXSS group are there and we're racing with the Cat 2 and Cat 3 kids. I'm hoping Jake Wells slows down a little on day three, maybe everyone will be slow and me and Jason B won't get lapped after two laps. I mean hell I'd love not to get lapped but we'll see how it goes, how the course is. And it will be a smaller field, unlike the crazyfest that will be the masters race with three nearly full fields of 50. At last coutn there were just over 50 people signed up total in our three fields. We'll see if this 44-19 feels as good as I has lately. 

It felt really good on the Dirt smack. Only issues were starting on the slow wet uphill roots, but that gave me a chance to run. Why starting on those? New kid got a new old bike. Busted pedals (only could clip in on one side, and first time on them it seemed) and the Di2 stuff is mangled. Bent hanger I think, or bent rear der. Ultegra stuff on a Crockett, the singlespeedable one. I joked that he might just need to ditch the gears, but I think he likes the gears. Most people do. Of course his light died too. And first ride in the woods in the dark? I think he still had fun. I hung out and fixed it and helped and when a wrong turn was taken in the woods a few times I dragged everyone around by feel to the right place. Helps having a bit of a local knowledge and feel of the place. It went long with that and even going slow the gearing was good. Going fast? we did that too, and it actually felt pretty good spinning at 120-130, work but not terrible work. Rode in yesterday a bit late but managed to keep it close to 95rpm all the way. 

International Singlespeed day was the 2nd, and well just been a SS week on the crocket. Rode the shifty squishy bike on Sunday. Back of the knee actually was not happy but it also could have been a bit of maintenance inflammation that helped fix it. Because it felt fine on Dirt Smackdown, even with all the running and remounting. 

Still need to work on the brakes on the Stache, the front brake hasn't fixed itself sitting there. Probably head to the shop on Saturday. Matt had ordered skinsuits for the team but didn't get anything bigger than an XL and while that has worked for other skinsuits for me, the castelli no so much. They are larger sized than their normal items (like the summer jersey I have that i couldn't get into the XL, the XXL and had to get the XXXL). I tried it on, got one arm in the sleeve, barely, but only the second arm halfway and couldn't quite get the shoulders all the way up and the zipper was already straining at the seams. It would have essploded, if I could get it zipped. There's stretchy fabric and then there's not stretchy enough. This was not stretchy enough. Kind of bummed that everyone else has the cool kit but not really. How many CX races have I done so far and it is November? 1. Last year I raced way more and my back was fucked. Granted yes, I took the kid to regattas and had to let the knee recover (different than back) and some of the regular races just didn't happen. And I race the big MTB race too. Or should I say participated in it. But CX Nats is here in Hartford. We'll see how sunday goes. If it is anywhere passably okay I might break my promise and actually race at nationals, maybe...  $115-135 for a race you probably won't be able to finish is pretty steep, but it is Nationals and it is local enough to drive to, and maybe I'm at a place where I can race and enjoy as many laps as I can get. That and racing through the boathouse with what the crew kid has been doing would be cool. I was there with her for the big regatta there. So, maybe I need to race at the same place on the bike? We'll see. Probably should do a few more races. Not many. 

Last day of sunset season is tonight. The Biannual photo bombardment. I kind of leaned even more into it this year, why? Because a few people said they appreciate them and really like the photos and, well, there might be others that also like it but aren't saying it directly so, fuck it, there are no rules and it is my feed and I can do what I want. So I have been loading up the servers with photos. 

That social media thing though, swerving around jumping into different platforms but forgetting which ones I'm on and well, not sure where everyone will land, but there's some writing on the wall that twitter won't last, but again, we'll see. Kind of makes me long for the days of 140 characters, no photos or gifs or emojis and pure chronological feed, no algorithm... simpler times are behind us indeed.

Time to move on with the morning.

heddwch
G

Talk about a song that resonates

When they introduced this song they talked about the origins of the name of the band, talked again about how most of the band were alcoholics that didn't drink anymore, and that most all of them identified deeply with Woody's lyrics.

Gotta say I sing along and feel this song and am grateful for having the courage and wisdom to recognize that I needed to stop or i'd wind up like bourdain or robin williams or countless others who met a premature end due to mixing their demons with drugs and alcohol. My demons are still here, they haven't gone anywhere but we sit around drinking coffee. They know that if I go they go too, we have a mutual interest in sticking around.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

G

one of those things

 Where I just get too damn busy, then focus a bit too much energy elsewhere when I have small moments and then totally forget to get the shit out of my head in this space.

And thus an unintended break in the web log.

new knee thing

 Well, it isn't the knee but it kind of is and my Doc seemed mad at me. "You only show up when you get hurt" 

I think she'd prefer I show up regularly to keep things more aligned. 

She also, incorrectly, said "It doesn't matter how long I tell you to stay off it you're going to ignore me anyway." 

Guess I deserve all that but still. Nothing to do really. And of course the lack of riding and the knee (the front part) is unhappy, because of course it is.

Compression and Voltaren is her recommendation. No tear, just a strain but a painful one. 

HOCR is this weekend, going to boston at like 3 or 4 am on Friday, then going to Dropkick Murphy's show with Dean that night. I don't think the knee is going to be good enough to go on Saturday so I'll be missing MORE cx, and John and GCD's race. Guess I need to look a bit closer at the calendar to see what is next up there.

In the throwback vein. 
Pre-race hype song was covered by that big clown guy. It is good:

Damn those lyrics still hit hard

it is sunset season:

Lets see what tonight brings.

Reading "the dispossessed" still...  it is some heavy stuff in many ways, in probably many unintended ways. In other ways it is a full on propaganda story. Fresh out of the early 70s hangover from the summer of love and unity in the 60s. 

Y'all be good, be kind... Amor Fati Motherfuckers

Heddwch
G

So, remember when I mentioned the new knee thing?

 Yeah about that.

Guess it wasn't fully healed and now it is way worse than it was.

Like WAY worse.

And it isn't knee as much as calf, that medial side of the gastrocnemius is pretty messed up on my right leg. Crosstobeerfest was Wed. 

44-19 is the perfect gear, for sure, for me, right now. 

19t cog from a cassette is a REALLY bad stand alone singlespeed cog. If you have a tensioner to guide the chain it might work, but straight up singlespeed? NOPE. Mayo calls it Presto-Change-O gear choice. 

It likes to shift off at every bump or high cadence opportunity. or when you're just coasting and start pedaling. 

Discovered that first on the way to get the car from the dealer. Massive issue driving home from CT. Anxiety spike through the roof, but the car made it home. Dealer fixed it no charge on Tuesday.

But Tuesday afternoon was spent calling, texting, DM'n everyone locally looking for a 19t SS cog.

Donny Green had one and brought it to the race Wed. All the PVD shops had all the cogs other than 19, just no 19s. 

But to the point of the start.

Well bike sorted. Car sorted. 44-19 feels really good. Like just tall enough and not too tall. A little stronger maybe fitter and I could maybe turn a 44-18 like Jake Wells but the 19 for me? It is good.

But what's not good... is that thiing that happened on the big ride with Greg.

Everything was pretty okay doing pre-ride. Felt a little sore pre-ride but could hop okay, could do barriers not to badly.

Course felt good, 

got a good enough start that i wasn't in a scrum at the barriers and was able to go fast and the first push off with my right leg hurt a lot, def something said "Oh Fuck No" and maybe not torn but strained badly. The pedaling was fine. Fortunately. Got over the logs okay the first time, thought, maybe I should hop the finish line log, did that and it felt like someone put an ice-pick in to the top of the calf near the knee. Well fuck that's not good either, but pedaling felt REALLY good.

It was dark, had the Wahoo on with the LED HR display. It dropped to orange in the twisty on the first few laps, mostly because traffic was going slower than I could and I couldn't pass w/o running and well no I can't run.

took a few laps to realized that if I kept my knees bent and kind of hopped or used the bike as a crutch and never planted my right leg I could move at not the slowest pace. 

But odd thing happened, I started pushing the HR up into the full red, and it was staying there and I wasn't fading. WTF? 

Was racing people around me, was reeling Jason B in, had Colin R closing in on me (he made a final last lap pass when I was hobbling over the barriers), and Ossa trying to catch me, and played tag with Robert Mayer and it was just fucking strange.

I was racing, full gas the whole fucking race, and then the timing got fucked up and they made everyone do two 2 laps to go laps, and I was thinking i'm getting lapped but I didn't get lapped, what the actual fuck, and while one less lap would have been good for my leg, the hopping running part, the pedaling part of the legs and lungs and heart all were totally good. HR was highest for the last three laps and I didn't fade speed wise. 

If you have been watching GeWilli race, he's probably not done that since Plymouth 2013. 

And now i can't walk. 

Well I can walk but it fucking hurt and I have to keep my heel elevated. 

I can pedal, but wound up in a really really deep puddle without quite enough speed and instead of pushing the pedals ankle deep into the water I veered over to the side and tried to put my right leg out. Well I did but it fucking hurt. 

Emergency foot down stuff is not good. Aka i think while MTB might be fine any hopping isn't going to work and if I have to put a foot down I'm gonna go down in a heap of pain.

So no Hale MTB race on Sunday. No CX.

Have a Dr appointment on Monday, hoping to have an idea of what the fuck is going on then, but till then I think I have to rest and I am more frustrated about this than I've been since I crashed and destroyed my sub patellar bursa the Monday before thanksgiving 2013. 

Last year my back totally fucked me over, this year? One errant and bad footing, running up a hill chasing greg and the rest who were pedaling their low ass gravel gears up a hill, and what?

Who knows? 

CX Nats is here in New England, well kind of, Hartford is CT and that's not really New England but close enough... and who knows how long this is going to take to heal.

12ish days wasn't enough to heal, and now it is worse and the clock resets for how long?

FUUUUUUUUCK

I know I know, "It could always be worse" 

it has been worse, it will probably be worse again, right now though? It is really tough and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

Anyone wanna ride on the road?

Fuck

heddwch
G

well that was long

TWSS

So, laptop at work, and just swiping away this morning.

The week kind of crushed me, even with not so late bed times and no evening hard rides. A mentally exhausting, stressful week. Friday rolled around and went for the second pot of coffee. I should have skipped it but it was only 2pm, not terrible, yes not great though. Second pot at noon-1pm? Fine. Make it at 2pm? No good.

Every sound woke me up last night and then wide awake at 5am. Fuck it lets get up, make coffee, get started. Have to drive a long way soon, maybe I can get the old man bladder settled down after the morning coffee before leaving.

Last week (Friday) I did something crazy and dumb. And while doing that I thought I wrecked my knee in a totally different way. But I think now as it's healing, I strained or otherwise damaged the calf/hamstring connection right below the backside of the knee. 8 days later and it's mostly back to normal. Not quite though. Did amock CX stair run on Thursday morning and I felt it most at full extension. 

I probably should have bailed at mile 40 and just gotten in a 65 mile day on the bike last Friday. But no, I passed the 60 mile bail point (on snake hill road) too. And a few others and rode all the way up to Woonsocket, got a little confused trying to get from where they all kept going to Medfield, to the Blackstone bike path.

I was sore and tired and exhausted at that point. A tough 25 miles home. Lots of climbing on a 44-11-26 with heavy 40c gravel tires. It was pretty dumb. But it was fun and a chance to ride with the MPO. They were patient with me on the uphills. Nothing quite like being over geared and enormous.

Saturday was paperwork for kid, and recovery. Sunday was a drive to the place in Hartford where CX nats was for a regatta. Then an absolute mentally nutty week that cranked non stop all the way, productive but tough. And now get to drive nearly to NY today 

MRC CX is tomorrow but bike isn't ready, my knee/calf thing isn't quite perfect. So might just go hit dirt Church and grocery shopping instead of more time in the car. Racing on Wednesday tho. So have to get the bike sorted for that. I think I might go stupid over geared instead of spinny, but not sure yet. Would be nice to have a 21 or 19 just an edge harder and an edge easier than what I have now. Can't make a 44-20 work. Chain is too tight or too loose.

And then kind of contemplating doing a MTB race instead on Mansfield hollow. Ron put the SS race in with the P123. And I'm just not as in love with that course as I used to be. And the drive honestly sucks.

And the MTB race sounds more fun and cost a little less and is an easier drive. Might even try racing a shifty bike.

One CX race signed up for. No CX racing yet. This hasn't happened since I didn't race in... Um... What was that 2017? 

It is definitely more sport parent focused of a season. Yes kid could drive themselves but they don't want to and it's a chance to spend time with them before college next year, so I'm grabbing on and relishing it. 

Not totally ruling out doing a day of reg on Sunday but it would be more of a of everyone wanted to go up than anything else. That said I'm not sure I'm recovering fast enough to race a Sunday and a Wednesday. I guess I should be but the uncertainty has me reluctant to test it.

The rest of the house is starting to wake up. Better make more coffee.

Heddwch

G

still want to

 figure out how to play the fucking guitar.

violin brain makes it nearly impossible, but I also haven't really tired.

but hearing this guy cover GAI's 'If I go, I'm going' makes me want to

So yeah, I want to play guitar, take black and white film photos again, set up the dark room, get an actual black and white digital camera, and probably a whole hell of a lot of other things. 

Winning a CX race isn't there. being fast enough not to get lapped is always a goal, but one that maybe I don't care so much about. And if I don't care so much about that maybe I just need to forget it and stick with MTB'n? 

It's been a solid struggle on many fronts lately. Everything is okay, ish. but SO many moments of frustration and deflation that it just is kind of a throw my hands up and walk away for a while. 

My dad (his estate now i guess - aka me and my brothers) have a massive parcel of land between the BLM land and the main road into Saguache. Chatting with one of my brothers last night I thought maybe I should build a small bike shop there, and get a skid steer and learn how to make a pump track... it isn't super close to Salida tho. Kind of in the middle of no where, kind of flat, not much to build big jumps or free-ride stuff without making tall structures. And flat means maybe it won't work like the Post Office pumptrack. 

it is an idea that seems kind of fun, but also totally in the lines of how to end up with a million dollars owning a bike shop, start with two million. 

Got me thinking about Colorado. 

And my dad.

And then a combination of the day and the week and then the bivalent booster kicked my ass and I got in bed at 8:30 after doing dishes. 

I'm still tired. Everything is still overwhelming and stressfull and there really isn't anything anyone can help with or anything I can let go of. I'm already not racing this weekend.

But maybe I might find some escape on the bike on Friday. fingers crossed it works. even if it does involve getting on a train.

We'll see... 

sigh

heddwch
G

And yeah, I'm okay, I'm just feeling overwhelmed.

comfort

 Not sure I need to get into the whole cello thing, adjacent to it so completely, my brother studied with a few really amazing ones, and well he's still playing Philip's mother's cello. 

And this came up on my feed:

End the week on a good note

 Ever notice how some of the super stars really are absolutely flawlessly amazing singers?

Like Alicia Keys...

Her NPR Tiny Desk Concert is a master class in Joy, in Love, in harmony, in melody, in musicianship, in arrangements.

So good.

---

but now it is getting cold out there. I don't like that. Not quite ready for cold. Feels like we went from 90s to 50s and 60s. Skipping the 70s totally. Mid-70s, the perfect range. 

Y'all be good

Heddwch
G

and it rained

 it wasn't supposed to rain on the way in.

but it did.

and yes I'm procrastinating.

But also sharing this link: https://www.patagonia.com/stories/roscoes-last-ride/story-123508.html

It is rough after having to say good bye to Charlie, the sweetest ever (unless you were another dog, she did NOT like other dogs at all, barely tolerated Millie).

But still a worthy read. Didn't cry nearly as hard as I did watching the Dog's life by Shimano.

Trail dog, that would be a dream. 

Looked at the local shelter the other day, nothing but pit bulls it seems. Nothing against them, they can be wonderful and sweet and the best dogs ever, but they aren't small, and have a visual stigma, even with all the work everyone has done to advocate for the breed. Is it because they are the most feral and least likely to be spayed and neutered as a puppy? And then all the rest of the dogs, no chance to have more puppies unless they are an AKC/accredited/whatever breeder, or a stray or random unfixed animal. No more charlies, or millies...  can i find another JRT/Pit mix? Probably not, def not as a puppy. Or a Lab/springer mix like Millie? also unlikely. 

Sigh... that and watching Bernard Kerr's dog makes me miss Platty, my grandmother's then my dog after she passed. Platty was just the most awesome and loving english cocker spaniel, so yeah seeing Lada Man this season, has me kind of thinking that direction. 

But the odd thing is I've never really gone out and sought my own, they've showed up.

I watched Merlin being born when I was not too old, he was the biggest of the litter and we bonded. Then Platty showed up, same, then a gap, but there were family dogs, just not mine. Then we got to RI and the house and Lucy needed a place to live, and she joined us. she was spectacularly amazing, unfailing counter surfer and sneak carpet peeing wonder pup. Then Charlie and Millie needed a home...

And now Millie is hanging out, slow and stiff with age, lumps under her skin, slowed with age (same age as Charlie roughly)... and she's a little confused about Charlie being gone but I guess she's watched us go away for a while and then come back, college, world's selection camp, long race weekends... 

Is she just waiting for her return? But I think maybe she knew too, she saw the seizures, and the aftermath, and knew Charlie was 'off' but then what.

Yeah, just what GeWilli needs, something ELSE to overthink.

back to picture factory stuff
Heddwch
G

swipe post

Pulling out the computer? Nah. Phone based web log post? Why not.

I think I'm stressing to feel recovered from Freetown 50 on Sunday. That was easy tougher than expected. The fire tower climb wasn't in the course in 2019. Not being able to shift made me faster on the tech and hills but slower on the two track and while the course was longer than 2019 time was essentially the same. I had a few goals. Highest was to do well in the placing, second level was beat my previous time, tired in with that was to finish before 3pm. Finally goal was to just finish. 

Last one seems pretty low but finishing the F50 mile is not certain. And I think just doing that was huge.

I finished 6th. There were only 7 starters, one DNF. And finish timing was staggered pretty well. I was the oldest by 6ish years, tallest and heaviest by a huge margin. I think my bike was even heavier than Giles' surly 1x1 (rigid, steel, 26" wheels). He managed 3rd on that and the rocks were a huge struggle with the wheel size. 

The singletrack was more relentless than I remember, and the two-track further between. And that one section before the second feed zone was rough. Everything was rough on the hardtail, but when I was with people I was as fast on the single track as most. But the faster sections, well. Other than before the fire tower climb on the first lap, were slow. First lap up to the fire tower was good. Or too hard. But I will say it was fun, my skills are unrecognizable from the first time. And yeah. It's a much better full suspension course.

If I had picked the other bike and signed up for the Clydesdale race it would have been me and Lucas battling for the win. In the end I found him in the woods on the third lap. Ride away from him in some of the tech that went up hill, got to the feed zone first but filled bottles then tried to drink something bubbly, he came in after me chugged a mini can of Coke and took off. I caught him in the rocks, ride it as cleanly as ever, one light unclip and dab, and ride through him there, and put some distance in, enough that even with the looong two track before the finish her didn't catch me, I could see him. So it was kind of fun in the end to wrap it up with the heavyweight prize fight.

But no, no medal for Singlespeed Clydesdale... It's ok. I still got the new top cap. I finished.

Fueling was good, hydration could have been better. Started a little more dehydrated than I should have been, was tough to drink enough on the first lap and I didn't. Then at some point between the top of the gravel climb and the two track before the feed station I lost a full bottle. Giles found it and drank it so I'm very happy he saw it and was able to use it. But it meant I stopped and filled a bottle drank most of one and left with one full one. Grabbed two fresh bottles at the finish and another sandwich, drank one while one and part of the second by the aid station and filled up with skratch again, filled up AGAIN at the next stop. I should have be dining three -four bottles per lap, not two. Was hard to catch up once in the hole. So I either need to ride was faster to make the laps shorter or drink a LOT more and full up ever time past the aid station.

Next time. Hah.

Physically it was tough. My knees were sore. Everyone was sore. Way way worse that 24HIGG in physical toll. Not being as tired was nice, but was so sore that sleeping was not easy. Knees are about back to normal now, I ate so much after, refuel give the body all it needs to repair. Hope it repairs even stronger. But we'll see.

Still haven't looked at CX yet. Maybe today. 

Passed on smackdown last night so I could get home and make dinner and have another recovery day.

Bike was making some stressful sounds. But I think it may just be the stranglehold dropouts. The brake one moves and yeah it's tight enough. And unfortunately I think that means the frame is wearing out. If it would break that'd be good, but I don't think wear like that is covered under warranty.

Not that breaking would be good. Just a chance to start over without the eroded tolerances.

Ok, coffee cup is empty and the morning has slipped a bit later than planned. 

Signing off now

Heddwch,

G

The most tears

 today...

but honestly even with holding it in check a bit..  it was the most

last time i called the vet (for Lucy) i could barely get the words out, today i choked up and struggled but E had started the phone inquiry but couldn't' finish so I did...

Charlie had a seizure last night, about 8:35pm

She hadn't had her gabapentin yet, last dose was 12 hrs before. But it was more of an analgesic dose, not a full anti-seizure dose. 300mg every 12 hrs (she was 50 pounds).

Last night she recovered, mostly, got her pill, was having trouble walking a little, lots of limb weakness. But seemed more her self...

We think she had another seizure last night about 2:45am. But it had passed before anyone got to her, but the amount of saliva and fluid near her mouth was consistent with the previous one. 

After a bit she settled and L went to sleep on the couch near her. That's how they were when i came downstairs this morning, the two buddies that sleep together, have slept together for years now.

Charlie got up, went out side, pooped, peed, ate breakfast, got her meds. But there was only one pill left, so call to the vet once right when they opened to refill the prescription.

Got off the phone and not 5 min later she had another seizure. 

This one was full fighting snarling teeth barred scary evil dog massive tremor and convulsion. It subsided and then she took a few minutes to come back to herself, and then got up panting and walking in left handed circles, drank some water, but just wandered around, Millie was in the living room and they got nose to nose and started barking and snapping at each other, not good.

E called in saying she was going to be late (only one car at home) and she tried to make the call to the vet but gave me the phone and that was hard... harder taking her in. she wanted to walk around in the sun, but she was moving so slowly, a little unsteady, did NOT want to go into the vet... but her lungs were so full of tumors that her chest cavity was misshapen (from this photo 6 months ago or whenever it was taken), and yeah, probably starting impacting brain function, her breathing has been really labored lately...

it was time to say good bye.

it is so fucking hard.

to make that call.

to say yes, thank you sweet dog but you're suffering and this is the best for you, even though it means the end of you.

And well, fuck, y'all know where my head's been a lot lately so, yeah, this isn't great. 

But I'm okay. I'm sad as hell. I'm suppressing my emotions again, just to be functional. 

Charlie lived her best life with us. And she loved us as only dogs can, and we loved her back.

I'm not sure what else to say. 

she was a good dog

heddwch
G

crying too much

Shedding all the tears.

Not sure why exactly. Sure I can point to the catalyst, but not why the emotions flow from my eyes so much lately.

Just finished reading this. started it earlier and, there are just so many passages to point out that I can't...

And maybe if I gave voice to some of the deepest reasons why, it might help...  but i don't think it actually would. And that's stopping me. Even from being so cryptic that even I can't figure out what the fuck I was trying to say without saying it.

Give this a read. https://thetownbicycle.com/geyaabi-nimbakade-im-still-hungry/

I'm doing my second race of the year on Sunday. Shorter than the last one, but the same bike.

the one with one gear

my race plan? Race myself. Not unlike what AH is talking about. If I am last or first, it doesn't matter. If everyone beats me and I honored the race and did my best, then that's enough.

It has to be enough.

Time to wipe my eyes and get back to work.

Heddwch
G

Fonies

 

They dropped a new one.

Ships in the Harbor...

Saw a notice about people being shocked that Tommy Prine's music was different than his father's.

Had a minute, just finished reading AC's latest story in Outside.  Next meeting not for a bit.

So I thought maybe let me check see what Tommy's stuff is like.

Read the intro words below and well, yeah. 

Listen to the lyrics. Much like many he's got a great voice, Gregory Alan Isakov style in a way.

Magic and perfect lyrics? No. But genuine, touching, heart wrenching? Yup. Well sung? yup.

Been a fucking kicker lately, eh?

heddwch

G

memories

we accumulate so much, and then all that is gone

my grandfather could recall every poem he ever read, recite it all on call. one of my brothers can do that pretty well too, me? fuck yeah i'm lucky to remember lyrics to a song i've heard a million times, my brain is good at recognition so i can sing along and more or less guess at the next word but...  w/o the prompt nope...

maybe too much science fiction, too much thinking about uploading, Dune, or Altered Carbon, or Old Man's War or hell any of the other stories about being able to download the human conciousness... i mean it could be possible, one day sure, but for now, we all each accumulate so much.

Some people maybe not, but like everything there's a continuum 

anyway it is what I was thinking about on the ride in this morning.

then wrote it down, got busy, forgot about it, closing things up to head home and oh, right, this.

posting up - should probably write up the rest of everything, the ride this weekend was pretty f'n great. Hard, fast, legs were pretty shredded at the end. But it was good.

Still tired - looks like rain tomorrow so, makes the choice of no smackdown easy. Gotta get the legs rested for Sunday.

Bunch of emails to reply to still, and some other stuff to send out paper mail and that's a problem, takes a bunch of extra steps. time and motivation, hitting the wall in some ways, not others.

Energy

 When you meet Mama go do? What are you gonna say?

Y Ddraig Goch

F'yeah Wales:

MICHAEL SHEEN is truly MAGNIFICENT.

Get a LOAD of THIS. pic.twitter.com/zZh5k3jcSs

— Michael Warburton (@MichaelWarbur17) September 9, 2022

maybe it does't show the video here - but ya should go watch it.

My dad would have loved this. Fucking hell I love it.

Kind of what I needed.

I did finish the A Prayer for the Crown-Shy. There's a part where Dex is hanging with their father. That got me bawling on the ride to work (yeah I was listening to it on the bike). Then got to the top of the India Point part Ped bridge, and sat on a bench, looking at the water and listened to the last 14 minutes of the book.

Left my glasses on as friends and people I knew rode past on their way to work as I sat there with tears in my eyes.

It is a good book. A REALLY good book.

that's all i got today

heddwch
G

 

Introvert

 

bikes... damn they do some good

 Lachlan has a really good way of putting it at the end.

Bikes kind of are amazing...

Good little short...

Smackdown report after a string of wordy content

 No videos or photos? WHAT? JUST WORDS? 

Yeah, weird. In the age of short video clips or mid-length to long vlogs and podcasts? just writing is strange.

Coffee time, okay this is the quiet coffee time. Kid is finally out of the house, but before everyone else is up, I should be getting ready but, i'm not late yet. 

Yesterday I re-tweeted something the eater did, they said do this or your wrong. Essentially. Becca called me out for trolling when I posted an alternative headline and said something about how maybe we should just stop telling everyone they are wrong. She called it trolling because i guess calling everyone who does something differently than I do 'wrong' is what I do. And yeah, my overthinking, fact backed, experimentally derived 'methods' are usually the most correct and I have over the years just taken the easy route and said do it this way or be wrong. It didn't sting at first, kind of funny, but the poison dart wiggled in and spread. And pretty soon i was wrecked. Wrecked by the indefensible accuracy of her observation. 

Yes, I have worked really hard to change, to not be that person, to suggest in a positive way, to lead with words and the basis of my conclusions in a different direction. It takes work to guide. It is easy to push.

And yeah I know, doing the work and changing is good. It has been good. Maybe there are people who didn't really interact with the OG GeWilli, who never got to experience the full force of the ASD overthinking analytical asshole. 

I replied to the tweet once right off the bat, quick honest 'hey i've been working at being different, maybe the sober thing maybe just wanting to change, but i really do want to change and so recognizing and pointing out others and calling them on it [esp corporate media accounts] feels important' or something, it was long but not super negative. 

Then the thread went on and one and fortunately took center on the whole pizza debate instead of me calling them out for just telling everyone they are wrong... but that seeped in, festered and triggered a crash in me. 

And I replied again, full dark sad me....

Left it there for a minute or two, deleted it. Then a bit later, deleted the first comment. So who knows what I actually said. Too much trauma triggered for me to recall the exact words. But I'm sure someone screenshotted it. Everyone screenshots everything now, right?

The thing was, this all happened while I was at smackdown. There was an A-group, and a B-group, but only a total of 14 people. Burke and I were the two solid B groupers, then there was a few others who usually ride with the B group and at stronger than both of us old guys, but not A group fast. Tine and Jay Trojan were there so you know it wasn't going to be a slow A ride. Andrew and Jay lit it up on Woodward, I settled into a hard maybe not quite sustainable pace coming down after them and it was just me and Burke. If I'd tried to get in the draft I might have made it but I knew it wouldn't last so I tried to just push it and figured Burke and I would have a good 2 man TT.

So we did. Had to slow down heading down prospect when it tilted up just a tiny bit. was dropping chris, but got him recovered he powered down the down to the townline and then I pulled around and dragged us to Pine and then up Pine, setting a decent but hard tempo, standing up only after Hillside, but that little added power popped Burke off my wheel, I could see Mike and maybe one more up the road, so I knew the A group had shattered and not-regrouped. And chilled while Burke caught up. Got him back, put him on the wheel and we chased down Mike. Caught him on Homestead, he said he was blown and waved us on but we told him to sit in, and we got him recovered, and I guess I kind of more or less lead us out until the downhill on Rocky Hill, and Burke took over, then on the up he slowed a tiny bit and I just held tempo. Not as fast as last week but I wasn't sitting in a draft of a big rotating paceline, it was just me. It felt good and hard and then bombed down the backside. Burke caught up before Hillside and we headed up it. Mike took the first section, then powered along on the flat. And I surprisingly recovered enough to go up the second and final section first. Weird.

We picked up Noah and he rolled to the front on the pine to walker stretch, flicked an elbow by the turn there with the swimming club, I dragged us onto Walked, then Mike went and pushed it, Noah got on his wheel and then i got gapped off, Burke came through and i got on his wheel and we didn't lose much ground to the other two and then they both kind of cracked, burke charged through and i found an extra bit of something and threaded through the three of them to power to the end. 

Rolled back and it was good.

A really good but small smackdown. Temps were good, legs not terrible. Most of the runners had made it off the path when I headed home. Kid had added something to the take-out order for me. 

Timed strava segments weren't amazing but they were good/acceptable, esp given how much work I did last night. So I was doing pretty well. Pedaling well. Those Black Bibs work. maybe I need the XXL honestly, the grippers are a little tight for my legs but hey maybe I am just that big.

And then the twitter thing. 

And back to whatever.

But as usual writing it down seems to help clear it out, remind me of the good stuff from the ride, going to let that try and frame the day. So maybe that's why I subconsciously thought i should write it out before shower and commute.

May you have a better day i'm gonna keep at the Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

didn't feel right

 To post this up on the twitter - even though it is a tweet.

(If you didn't like it, don't bother telling me.)

I think that's pretty awesome but at the same time a reality check on the online culture.

ThomP has been getting massively mansplained about trailers and everything associated with his adventures and learning about towing a massive rolling house. Someone we know did that on twitter, made a comment on FB and then they are gone. The comments weren't even negative or a problem, or explaining, but they were up and now they aren't.

People seem to want to react. Hell I do it. I catch myself. It is a learning process. And I have gotten better, still a ways to go. But, when someone posts something that brings them joy, don't be an asshole. Don't tell them how you would do it differently, how they did something wrong, or you see something wrong.

LET.

THEM.

BE.

HAPPY!

same old same old

 One foot in front of the other. 

shuffle through the darkness towards the light, three's nothing major blocking the way, but i can't stop here...

whatever i said yesterday?

Forget it - now in even deeper funk - but hey this helps:

KAYAK from École des Nouvelles Images on Vimeo.

kind of,

Calling it a win?

 Not feeling the effects of this time of year until last night.

Slept well until 4:30am, started to fall back asleep at 6am when the alarm was about to go off so I just got up instead of drifting back to sleep.

No idea on tomorrow. Not even backup plan for the back up plan.

Fizzle hard. And that hit yesterday evening pretty solidly. 

Just don't know. I had motivation at times to ride to Boston, right now there's good reason but the other side of things, riding there alone? Tomorrow? nope. Sometimes I wish I could figure out my motivation and solve it and know what i want to do in a specific enough sense that I could just do it.

No vehicle so off road adventures are all from the house, I guess I could ride to Village Park...   that's a longish way on the soft compound tires on the Top Fuel, or a really annoyingly long and slow pedal on the Singlespeed.

The ice cream hundo still sounds a bit enticing. But not quite sure where to go, Ice Cream Barn and Ice Cream Machine would work, combined that's a 60+ mile ride. But ice cream alone seems even sadder than not doing the ride.

Maybe this tiredness is something else. The nameless something else.

But whatever happens tomorrow is tomorrow and I need to figure out how to make it not what it is and what it could be. Would be nice if it was as easy as flipping a switch.

maybe i just need to stay home and in bed and watch TV or something totally useless and forget the bike ride...

just fucking struggling as usual. no big deal. it'll pass.

maybe i'll find time today to write up the 24HOGG before I forget it all, or maybe I just leave it all unspoken, and just the skeleton of documentation?

dunno

heddwch
G

International Dog Day?

 Oh hell yeah! Lets watch this again.

Smackdown has changed

 And some people are great riders and good at keeping things going but not great at leading a group.

And riding single file at the gun over not quite flat terrain with people who aren't good at keeping pace and the whole yo-yo thing happens and I was stupidly in the back, getting yo-yo'd to death.

But I dug down and pushed myself solo through the ride. Wasn't my best time but wasn't my worst.

Felt off the whole time on top of blowing up early.

Oh well, next time. 

At this rate I don't know if the race will get written up, I suppose I should write it up, but now i don't have enough time, maybe tonight. But probably not. Post smackdown legs fucked up my sleep last night. And just generally unsettled and whatnot. A difficult day.

And now I'm hungry, at part of my lunch early, the rest wasn't as filling as I hoped and I have eaten all the snacks in the office. But then again, as I remember it, this was the SOP for getting down to the crazy light (for me) 195. I'll be happy to be at 205-210... not that I'll get there without all the days like this. 

But hey, goals, right?

I keep thinking about Nationals, can I put my mental framework in place to have fun and race the SSCX event and expect to get pulled every lap and still have fun racing? Maybe. I should probably find a coach that can write a plan up for me, esp since I've been so rubbish at it. But that said - the 'plan' i had for 24HOGG kind of worked. Although that was more just me being me and surviving while being undertrained.

And I think the boost from it might have already faded. Weee.

Anyone have tuesday off? No? didn't think so. Just not sure what to do now, kind of adrift, per usual. 

oh well

heddwch
G

Hey ya know that Old enough series?

 With that 'old' 36 year old ginger from Scotland? Wahoo Fitness video series?

I know I must have shared it. I watched it. He did the vid about West Highland Way?

Season 2 popped up a few weeks ago:
https://youtu.be/mUbJRxxytaQ

And that..

yeah well, what's the point GeWilli.

Well I went over to BBC to look for MTB World Champ coverage, saw the big headline I tweeted about this morning. A fucking FANTASTIC read and write up by Evie (go read it esp if you have daughters in sport - or work with young women in any sport).

And this:
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-62650682 I saw the thumbnail photo, hmm that guy looks familiar, it couldn't be? could it? 

yeah... Rab, one and the same. 

A year ago plus a few days we lost another wickedly fast ginger (while I was racing at Great Glen last year), Evan died going into the final turn, just about to win in a dream like finish against a crazy stacked field. I would be lying if his death wasn't on my mind going into my race this year. So much can happen, esp when you push your body as hard as he did, or as I was going to do, they were different ways of creating physical stress, but sleepless constant pedaling isn't something everyone can do. Going insanely fast much the same.

Rab, died in his sleep, a few days after winning the Scottish title. He hit a super high note, went to sleep, never woke up again.

Evan went into that last turn, and nothing else after that.

Remember that quote from last year? 

Yeah the one that caused such extreme visceral panic and anxiety and just would wreck me every time I saw it, and esp that first time reading it on the morning of my birthday.

this one:

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”

― Henry David Thoreau

I don't have the same reaction, perhaps the passing of a year, this last lap around the sun has transformed me a little, or dulled the edge of the blade the words hold. 

Perhaps it is the loss of my Father, falling so close, and living with that hole, and never really (still) fully grieving, or reconciling the loss. 

It is an unknown perplexity that I'm not quite exploring, the why it has changed. Mostly because it is a relief to not have three sentences ready to unravel you totally, at will.

Of course it didn't help to start the day off listening to this playlist: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_kUtBAELFkPvgZ9hO_0ZQ5FlPZzwZl_xVg 

And that my office smells like coffee, mineral spirits, Finish line wet lube (cross country lube as it used to be called) and generic lemon scented pledge.  Yeah it is smackdown and the ride home last night was not in the rain but it was wet. And no i didn't have time last night or this morning to do all that. And of course it reminds me of a person who commented that they loved the smell of the mineral spirits in my office. 

Rab did launch himself. Wahoo did a great job of documenting it and for that I'm grateful. 

amor fati motherfuckers

heddwch
G

can't imagine

 Or more of a direct (translated) quote:

"It'd be very hard for me to imagine life without biking."

Same here.

Here's a photo

 took it yesterday because the sun was doing something remarkably cool