Coming up on 5 years

 Thinking about that quite a bit lately. Timmy Jackson just hit his nine year anniversary, Brad is on his all of them as in straight edge for life anniversary, PTC aka Pastry just had his 40th anniversary on the day he turned 40. So me being almost 5 years in, no big deal. But in some ways it is a big deal. My dad went from 1978 or 9 until he passed, that's a really long time. He had a more catastrophic incident around his 40th birthday I suppose. Looking back, 10 years ago could have been that for me, but somehow when he turned his rage outward, I turned mine inward. And then stopping didn't change anything. But it also changed everything, for both of us. Me in much less dramatic fashion. 

Wrapped up in all that is just the fatigue of everything. Carrying a lot of weight. Stuff that's visible is too much, the stuff no one can see is a pretty manageable burden alone, but when I'm so far beyond it becomes pretty heavy. 

Today was interesting. Mostly because of yesterday and last week and fuck the last whenever. 

Long week, recovering from being sick, not sleeping well then just as I was getting caught up on sleep E picked up on this virus and started having disrupted sleep and then the weather has been weird and I haven't had a good night sleep since wed. the only one? Sleep is important. But hey at least I'm not falling asleep terrified I'm not going to wake up. Although, gotta wonder this is one hell of a mess I've left for everyone if I don't. Yikes. Better start working on that. Weird way to get your shit together isn't it? I'll get right on it with my next free moment.

So plan was bike shop on saturday, but we also planned to ride early. I was thinking it would be a short 5-10 miler, just to get out there.

at the 10 mile mark i thought about heading back to the car but kept at it. It was good. I had no snap, my legs were low on glycogen i think, and the fatigue was very much there, noticed by the HR numbers, down. On the singlespeed I should get close to the max, but i was at least 10beats lower based on the effort and no sign of going up to where it could go. Check, fatigue. The lack of snap, fuel. I knew from the day and dinner it would be a close call for fueling but just wasn't hungry or couldn't find anything i wanted to eat and well...  it is what it was.

THEN i got in the car, and headed to the shop. built a token couple bikes, i was out of it. tired. it was kind of commical how bad it was. So bad in fact i had no idea where I put the car keys when I got there. Went to leave and no keys. tossed the place. dug through the dumpster looking for the trash I threw away when I walked into the shop, found it but no keys, went through my backpack three times. Scoured the whole shop, everywhere that I was, anywhere I could have put them down, asked if anyone had picked them up in the lot. No where. Went back and looked through the bag a fourth time, carefully spreading all the stuff inside aroudn the inside of the car. Last pocket, a pocket i never use, a side one, for bottles or coffee mugs when traveling. there they were. Like no idea how they got there, when I put them there or why. I know I'm getting old but this is like a black hole of a normally pretty indelible memory (still).

Fatigue is a motherfucker.

Made it home, realized there was a lot of coffee left and so yeah also low on coffee for the day. Watched a bad heist movie with terrible improbilities at the end, made pasta, ate, tried to sleep, poorly. And then the low coffee meant good morning earlier with low dull potential of headache lingering and, well, guess I was up and drinking coffee early. 

Instead of riding (it looked so good after the rains, temp was perfect) but still tired, so I went to help do some much needed maintenance on the East Bay Rowing sculling equipment. should be quick. 3 hours later and a really good sunburn. Time to come home and do the super fast shopping for the week and get to the train station in time. I think I missed a few things but whatever.

made dinner and 

now, afraid to go to bed now because i'm not going to fall asleep, not looking forward to E getting up at 3:30 to drive to boston to volunteer at the big race. 

And then there's class tomorrow and no. break. in. sight. Some how I have to find two days before the end of the month to take off. NO CLUE how the fuck that's going to happen.

Not to mention everyone seems to have gone to the mix tape. except me and Jason B. Is there anyone I don't know on that start list? I mean of course but seems like everyone was there. And I had no desire to ride it. I don't get it. I mean people are having fun but it doesn't look fun to me. Gravel rides like that? I dunno. Gimme the RdR RRRR, Greasy Joe's stuff, small group of friends/a team, a route, figure the shit out adventure have fun. Not a big curated circus. But then things like this have been really popular for a while and I've just never done any of them. And as much as it would be great to see all those people i know, it feels wrong to call them friends, in my definition, kind of sad but the list of people i'd call a friend is really really small. But of course that's probably because I'm much more autistic than anyone ever recognized (even me). And, yeah, if I'm going to load a bike up in the car it'll be the MTB, either one, and I'm going to go ride trails, hopefully with a few others, but worst case just by myself. 24HOGG is supposed to be a big social party, it is pretty much me, being alone with everyone else and that's kind of okay. 

I wonder what it would be like not to be so completely destroyed all the time.

What is it like having balance, rest, harmony? I know most of the people that seem like they have it don't and appearances are just that a surface skim, hiding who knows what.

10 years ago I was chasing a kid in a fluor green jacket up Rocky Hill a couple weeks in a row. 

I hope I can rest up enough to make it out to Smackdown on Tuesday. Would hate to bag it two weeks in a row, but also, no point showing up in shitty form when rest would be the smarter choice.

I really actually had somewhere else I was going with this. 

Not so much a point but there's something missing and I don't know what it is.

maybe I'll think of it tonight

Amor Fati Motherfuckers also #beepbeepmotherfucker

heddwch
G

what was I saying about being happy with my 1965 Pentax?

 Last couple days I've been trying to decide what film to buy next.

Lots of options, what ISO... I dunno... 

and then last night I saw all this press:
https://us.ricoh-imaging.com/product/pentax-k-3-mark-iii-monochrome/

Sturdy, weather sealed, waterproofed, ergonomics, big viewfinder

smaller sensor than the Leica but it still has plenty of pixels

but most importantly no bayer mask... and lower price point than the new M11m or Q2m or a used M10 or previous versions from the red dot.

that 16-85 or 16-50 lens? Kind of sounds perfect

It is interesting, hearing all the same things said about the monochrome sensor, but now w/o the Leica price or ease of dismissal.

That one Leica guy who does all this black and white on a color chip, i still think his images suffer from it, esp when you listen to these three talk about it and use it. Maybe because these three are color photographers, pros, they make a living, based on the car a comfortable living and they have very specific and clear reasons why monochrome is different.

Of course analog is also different, and with the 16-50 lens or 16-85 lens it is still a few thousand dollars, and that buys a lot of film and chemicals. But it also would be a big shift from manual focus and developing film. 

increased sensitivity means being able to push the fstop wide open much longer, and virtually eliminates photon limitation of film.

But still preserves the beauty of the process.

Sure, color is more difficult, but also so different it is work to switch between the two, being a good color photographer doesn't make you a good black and white photographer and just applying an action to make it black and white doesn't make for a great photo.

my cousin had a family portrait session, i'm not sure who make the clothing selection or the location selection but i saw the black and white shot first and thought it was odd looking, then saw the color, even weirder. 

I got sick for real last week. Not covid, well, i tested negative and the symptoms are more RSV/Rhinovirus than Sars-Cov2, or influenza. But it still knocked me down for the weekend and now two others in the house finally seem to have gotten it. I'm 90% better, small residual stuffiness but okay. Hopefully able to ride this weekend.

Also have been just ramping things up and up and up. Dramatic drop in social media time and the odd spare moments i've been working in photoshop or other aspects of the film project.

Still have to decide what film to get, maybe this is the sign to move to JCH stuff just for the hell of it. But lemme say, as quickly as using the film quenched the flames of desire for a Leica monochrome, this latest announcement from Pentax/Ricoh has dumped some gasoline on it. Part of it might be the increasing use of the SLR. That process, the viewfinder... all that. A phone is just an automatic range finder without a view finder in many ways. I like this SLR process to be honest.

But who knows, I should get a road bike before a camera, but flying with film is cumbersome and tedious and x-rays and scanners are sometimes not friendly to the emulsion and digital cloud backups can happen anywhere.

Life is short, what's your passion, and why does it matter to fully chase it? Or does it matter? Is chasing it a pure position of privilege? Or one of escape?

Who knows. I had planned to go to ship street right after lunch, then go home. Got part way through this, and with a handful of other stuff, made it back up here after all. And still, there's a possibility of heading home sooner than later.

Okay commence video link dump.
have a great weekend and sorry for being erratic and eccentric and just fucking weird

Heddwch
G

And this one so...  Hey

Also, aren't Embargos amazing? Such coorindated launch of media

(it also shoots video)

been crazy

 like extra extra EXTRA

at least I had a really good smackdown ride before all the wheels fell off and I crashed and burned.

feels like a relapse of january but different. about 2am I started getting a fuckton of stuff in my throat,  not my nose. No fever, just thickness and junk. Negative rapid so it is something else. Really had hoped I'd have been able to muscle through. But yeah that didn't work.

Plans to take today off failed, had to get up early and rush through the morning, then absolute non-stop endless stuff until 5. then rode home, fortunately there was a tailwind, not sure I'd have managed to push through with a headwind. 

Planned to head to gansett, then over to see steve's opening in westerly, and then planned to go back to gansett tomorrow but i think that's off the table, I need to rest. maybe just watch some TV, eat all the food and attempt to recover.

before the insanity starts again bright and early on Monday.

Kind of thinking of loading up the last roll in the Pentax with the 85mm lens for Easter. Photos of everyone, fuck it - who better to subject to the torture of photographing them than family? The photos I shot at Dirt Church are pretty okay IMHO, really digging the octagon shape the light flair takes on.

I DL'd it from FB to post here:

Figuring this whole photo thing out all over again. But different this time. very. different.

okay now i'm going to try and sleep and hope to rest, may the extended release mucus stuff work to help me sleep tonight.

heddwch
G

don't worry

This played just before walking out the door to Smackdown 2.0.  A new route and same old people.

B-group was the smallest and that was okay. It looks like the A group splintered but hey, not my zoo, not my monkeys.

Was whistling that tune as the ride started, and occasionally through it.

Ride was better but my HR was about 10 beats lower at max efforts than last week. I slept a little better but still really tired. 

Less stress w/o teaching this week. Not sure it would have been more restful in the PacNW but I am taking the next couple days off.

will try and rest.

don't worry, be happy, but dig in to the lyrics - stay positive even in the face of troubles... aka

AMOR FATI MOTHERFUCKERS

and the Robin Williams being in there did drive a bit of a spike into my heart and got me sad thinking about how he chose to leave.

But then I suppose choosing how and when we're finished is not the worst thing, certainly is better than having someone else choose for you.

Such is life and death and this crazy existance.

be well

heddwch
G

Clawing back

 Wednesday was rough. One of my worst physically and mentally. Not painful just impossibly difficult. Managed to survive, made it home, even made a quick dinner. 

Slept but not all that well. but better and last night was better than that one

Deep rabbit hole about headsets and bikes and thinking about the Paramount and the possibility of taking a vacation that's just me to the desert southwest, ride the places around where my dad was, visit my step mother. But when? Is that even possible? How? Weird dreams anyway. Then them merged into another one with someone from the past and someone from the current and it was just weird. 

Also weird that I remember them. Tired of being wide awake at 5am and then falling back asleep before I can think about just getting out of bed only to then be groggy and sound asleep when my alarm goes off. 

I had sold two art prints. First in a long time. Need to get back at that. Or something like that.

Maybe I can work out a production/shipping deal with my printer. Deal with that when I have time. After my vacation.

Next week was going to be a vacation. was going to go to seattle. And of course I just checked for travel this coming week. Flights are all way cheaper than when I looked a while back. Damnit. oh well.

I'll get a vacation some day. 

Maybe.

But at least it feels a touch better and survivable today.

Still fucking crazy. Not sure what the hell the weekend will bring. 

Brought food for a post am commute snack, lunch and pre-ride afternoon snack. Ate everything at once at lunch (late). oops.

24HOGG fees go up on April 1st. Not a ton, have to decide if the increase is worth the uncertainty. But man do I like that event. The one race I'm pretty good at. Got thinking about the Domarski 6hr thing. Maybe/ have to see what the schedule is like. Stuff is weird lately.

It has been a rough week. It is Friday. Now what? not sure, but hopefully I still manage to fit in Dirt Church this weekend.

Who knows who with or where I'll be riding this weekend. maybe just back to the old haunt for a change...

Dunno.

Okay now I'm tired, slowed down enough that the intangible energy of purpose and immediate threat has dissipated and I'm sitting here kind of...  wiped the fuck out.

Shocking.

y'all be smart, don't be like gewilli, get some rest, have fun, don't work too hard

heddwch
G

burried

 and frustrated and overwhelmed

again

Flat out

 Hit the wall yesterday.

Couldn't figure out why. 

then

remembered...

time change

right

Blink

 another couple days, a week, what? blink and a month has passed, blink again and it will be April, next blink and it will be December.

what is happening, why is everything so piled on and crazy and busy and why can't the pace be manageable and chill and relaxed?

SQUIRREL

 sorry - been doing the whole film thing, scanning and posting and blah blah blah - IG is the place to be for most of it.

Found some old gems, developed a roll of film with a few frames from the 12 hours of Pando in '96 or '97 I took of my 2 man teammate. 

Also found the russian panoramic camera roll...

Throwback

Maybe have words to add more later.

We'll see.

Also def transitioning away from twitter - moving to Mastadon so if you are on that platform HMU you can probably guess what my username is there.

heddwch
G

one way to slow down the shoveling

 the shoveling of food into my mouth.

Make it so spicy that even *I* have to take a break.

There was one large habanero left in the fridge, so i chopped it all up and put it in the 2 cups of rice and beans and make a taco salad with some mixed greens and cheese. Holy shit this was a SPICY one. 

What a week. Long week, short week, long weekend first? Tuesday night after four days off and two days of actually getting stuff done at home finally. I really just wanted to keep going with the projects at home that haven't gotten done because I haven't been home in years. With time and energy to do anything. That last part is important. Two days on the weekend aren't enough esp when you try to fit in a MTB ride, weekly grocery shopping and maybe races or bike shop work. But a couple days AFTER doing that? Prime time to actually do something. So I did.

Bike room was sorted and organized a little more on Monday since the weather was nice and I could take everything out. There are a lot of bikes in that damn tiny space. And it seems I have quite the collection of tubeless tires. Mostly 'gravel' CX. but yeah what to expect. I do also have a lot of really nice NOS 'vintage' 26" MTB tires. And well used but not dead CX tires (not tubeless). I did finally toss out the tires I was saving as a 'just in case' or 'i'll use this to line a larger tire' well work and dead but not blown up.

Tuesday was more of an organizational, evaluation day. Went through a bunch of stuff. Sorted and organized and cleaned. Still between both days the recycling AND garbage bins are full. Not the worst thing, more to do though. Much more to do.

Found a few more developing tanks. One double roll tank, so there's there. no more waiting for the fancy plastic peterson to dry before processing another roll of film.

Finally working through this last roll of expired TMax 400. 17 shots done. A handful more to go. Will be interesting to see how the exposures are w/o a working light meter. Maybe not the worst thing. Perhaps it is a good experiment to go through and really learn the feeling for what the f-stop and shutter speeds need to be.  Although this roll is not going to help, next few rolls are 100 or 200 speed (finer grain).

I did see this last night and reading it was pretty much precisely why I loved Tech Pan film. Miss that stuff.

This TMax400 has such a large grain size, but could be also the expired not kept cold part of it. Either way I don't hate this grain, and people like it but it still doesn't quite feel like me. But maybe I'll come back to it. We'll see.

It is a process.

Like life.

Did a long exposure last night and then a daylight one. Looking forward to seeing the scene in two different ways.

Now trying to psyc myself up to be awake enough after lunch (nice mellow low key burn in my mouth, so good) to do what needs to be done.

1pm meetings are some of the most difficult. Coffee and rally. 

heddwch
G

developing

 Finally got the OM-10 film developed. Threw a handful up on a few places. 
getting that roll developed sort of flipped the switch, felt so much better, dunno if it is the process or just unrelated to everything else. 

But man i'm tired, this has been a long week...  riding hard and long on Saturday and Sunday is tough for this old man. Well old is all relative but I'm relatively old compared to how old I used to be. So fuck it.

Took some more photos with the Pentax this morning on the way in.

A couple I'm excited to see. Some stuff I should have held off sharing the digital version.

Shooting a bit with the 28mm on the Pentax, def like that field of view, but that 50 on there is pretty special. Although it isn't a great lens for bright light and fast film. F 16 is all it stops down to. 
Also 1.8 lenses have an insanely narrow depth of field. I kind of forgot about that. You gotta focus that shit precisely .

And while not having the meter isn't the end of the world I really need to get a battery for it. Would speed up the photo process. 

Here's a song for ya today.

I'm gonna head home, looks like I'll beat the rain.

heddwch
G

Link Dump

 First pile have been accumulating on the phone. 

To read, or if already read to save and share later, like here...

Not going to add much commentary if any, just paste and move on

https://everythingchanges.us/blog/no-one-is-non-technical/

https://theclimbingcyclist.com/the-end-of-an-era/

https://thetrek.co/appalachian-trail/siblings-on-the-at-54-miles-of-shenandoah-national-park-in-december/

https://scitechdaily.com/100-year-old-paleontology-mystery-solved-yale-scientists-uncover-how-ancient-plants-adapted-to-land/

https://www.mysportscience.com/post/excessive-exercise-training-affects-performance-mitochondrial-function-glucose-tolerance

https://www.newyorker.com/culture/annals-of-inquiry/a-philosophy-professors-final-class

https://petapixel.com/2023/01/21/how-to-develop-bw-film-at-home-a-simple-guide-for-mere-mortals/

https://www.wired.com/story/tiktok-platforms-cory-doctorow/

https://www.treetopbarn.com/buildblog/2023/1/31/what-are-you-even-talking-about-the-aixam-mega-desert-thats-what

A little late for this one, guess maybe I should look at these pages more often
https://www.fromthegroundup.bike/

This is for all the women out there - if you aren't one then share it with someone you know that would get a kick out of it
https://libbabray.wordpress.com/2017/02/08/womanifesto/

That's it from the phone...

here's two i left open from this morning:
https://leica-camera.blog/2012/11/30/marc-babej-pursuing-art-for-arts-sake-part-1/

https://leica-camera.blog/2012/12/10/marc-erwin-babej-creating-images-that-engage-and-expand-the-viewers-consciousness-part-2/

minor house cleaning but hey - it is a start.

I wonder how long it will take for all these links to die...

heddwch

G

the internet is dying

Or why should we persist in these types of spaces?

Is there still a place for user generated content and unique web addresses?

Seems odd, but now content is coordinated with large social media aggregators. You toob, Tick tock, insta, book face, and the array of fresh places like post, countersocial, spoutible, mstdn, vero...  and then the og of og social stuff, forums and listservers.

Content made and shared there, it isn't really yours but it makes it easier for hosting and finding, sure, and then all the algorithms can direct you to new stuff or direct you to stuff similar to what you want to see but paid for by adjacent creators. 

We blogs the OG social media? Maybe. But they weren't really even all of it. Plenty of people had their own page and did their own thing with it. blogging platforms just made that easy. 

This contemplation brought on by getting here SUPER early today, being really productive but then finding that in between space. That point where you normally would stop for lunch but it is an hour earlier than lunch and if you eat then you'll never make it through the day so you delay. And today I opened up some old folders of bookmarks. So. Many. Dead. Links. So. Many. Kind of surprising though, there were lots of sleeping, static, lost or forgotten or just hanging on for some reason, frozen in the moment of last creation, 2008, 2013 or whenever. 

Found some great content, some stuff to re-read. Didn't go through and delete anything yet or clean it up, or re-organize. I did read some of it. Left a few tabs open to come back to. 

And then I opened this up.

It was a great morning ride in, warm, already in the 50s by the time I got on the bike just after 7. over 60 right now. 

This morning would have been the absolutely fabulous perfect sit on the porch and drink coffee and chat and hang out. I just don't have a porch or someone with the time to do that with. I certainly didn't have the time this morning. But I did make time to snap a few photos of three deer that were hanging out near the bike path and walked past me. It was cool. 

I had stopped to get a black and white film photo of the tire and foot prints on the wet surface of the bike path. A documentation of who had ridden past that spot in the morning. And while I got the camera out and the lens cap off they walked out onto the path. I think I got a good shot of one of the deer on the path. We'll see when I develop and scan the next roll. Should be soon.

One rabbit hole I dove down was trying to identify that Lens that got away, the one I saw in a used camera store in Seattle in the early 90s. A perfect condition M42 screwmount Zeiss ~20mm lens. A fisheye almost but with nearly no distortion. I think I found it today, found one in Ukraine being sold for almost $1000. A few others here and there all expensive, the nicest Pentax ones are also very expensive. Wish I had bought it, my up until 2005 self always regretted not getting it, and now my 2023 self is just as mad if not more so. So far I haven't really shot anything with a wide angle lens. Although the yashica has the zoom on there. wider for sure than the 50 on the Canon and the Olympus. 

Once this roll is done I'll see if I can jam the LR44 into that weird battery holder on the Pentax and blast through one more roll of Tmax400 before deciding which camera to shoot the Arista.EDU film in first.

Hey look at the time. 

Eating.

Food.

heddwch

G

What a weekend

 Satuday was exhausting. Not because of the cold.

Just, completely non-stop, all out, moments of absolute intensity, and just left me wiped out. Didn't even ride.

Sunday got up early, got some coffee in me, packed the Top Fuel, ate an old bagel with some butter on it, headed to world's watch party, drank more coffee, hung out with friends, watched the race, then headed off to Big River. Chased Donny, Betty, Noah and Colin along with Syl. They were hammering and I think i was a bit underfueled, tired and just slightly off, but those four are all really fast and young and yeah. Only saving grace was when we hit the technical stuff, I was able to easily, very easily keep up, was at least some level of positive take away from it all. Could have probably eaten more before hand, i did snack on some expired cliff blocks during the ride. Ate a lot the night before so that was good to burn through some of that fuel. wasn't a total waste but it was tough. Syl and I missed one of their turns after a bit of a climb (no surprise) and we just turned around and headed back. Got enough pedaling in. I was so smoked the rest of the day.

Still pretty tired. Having to get ready to teach, so instead of making sure everything's ready I'm sitting here. 

The ride was crazy, we got insanely hot mid-way through, then it started to cool off again. What a change from the day before. Or the ride home on Friday.

Need to probably shift back to full speed mode.

Going to leave this here because it is so visually spectacular... this planet is crazy and amazing and gorgeous.

heddwch
g

Leveling off?

 Maybe, hard to tell what altitude... not crashed on the ground, not soaring over the clouds in perpetual sunlight.

Scanned the rest of the negatives. 

There's a bunch getting posted all over the place. 

Some photos I really like. Some just feel like just not quite there. can't tell if it is the film, the camera, the processing, or what. But on the whole, there's a huge satisfaction and beauty that isn't found in the crisp digital super shots. 

capturing the photons in silver vs silicon. 

So magnificently different.

Funk

 It shouldn't be. Heck class starts today.

But have been trying to shoulder through it, one foot in front of the other, and STILL not through it.

Still.

Even got out for Dirt Church, but then of course that was not as planned. Unexplained flat front on the Top Fuel. Put air in but didn't trust it and the dropper needs service and the shock mount bushings are in need of replacement. So I rode the singlespeed with the wrong tires for this time of year and it was hard. 

Developed film friday night and saturday morning. Went to the friends and family opening with K, then shopping then home and i don't remember. just out of sorts.

And now I have to get ready to teach, so much to do, but not much different head space than the end of the week.

Not good.

Lots to do.

Best get at it.

But pausing here first

not sure why... too much, but at the same time facility use is way down right now and that's bothering me too, so many things bugging me, nagging, nibbling, gnawing, eroding, but in the shadows very insidious.

Some how have to shift into the next gear, I never managed to master shifting w/o the clutch, never could figure that out and I need some more RPMs but I'm stuck in this. Kind of like riding behind out of shape and slow geared riders on a tallish singlespeed. It just doesn't work. 

fuck,

at least i don't have a choice, have to do all this shit...

best get started

heddwch

G

two rolls down

 Posting some other shots on IG (sidebar on browser i think still). 

Just finished the second roll of TMax400. Did something really dumb this morning, bright sunlight, i slowed it down trying to play with a bit of depth of field, when I should have gone the other way. Idiot. First moment of what was I thinking. Should be a few interesting or way overexposed frames. 

Time to move on to the Leica, but first maybe process these two rolls.

I did carve out a little time to get on the SEM yesterday. Put a few tiny sand dollars in there, found some cool stuff, maybe got a few cool photos, need to work on them but it has been a struggle this end of the week.

Like just a flat out struggle, kind of have hit the holy shit so much to do i'm overwhelmed and getting only the barest most critical shit done and staring at the rest of it wondering where to start. Haven't had this issue in a while. 

Thought I had something to say, guess just that even given all the good shit around lately, the positive movement and stuff happening I'm in a mental rut. I am bothered a bit by the low use in the facility, not sure why so many systems aren't getting a lot of use, stuff is STILL not back to pre-pandemic levels and I don't really like it, it is a concern. but not really, because I'm not high enough up in the bureaucracy to really be impacted. I hope. One can never tell though. 

part of me is a deliberate but maybe unconscious pause before next week, self protection mechanism, before all hell breaks loose and there's no time to get paralyzed by what to do next because EVERYTHING becomes holyshit get that done yesterday. And that's exhausting.

And my sinuses are still not 100%, but my ears are mostly clear.

And the bike? Yeah The crockett doesn't create the pain at night, on the Black Blue because that oddly seems to be the best, even though it is kind of too small for me. I keep thinking about getting the White blue set up with full fenders as a geared Rain bike. It is sitting on a trainer just being in the way in the basement at the moment but then there is no room in the bike room for it now anyway. Need some major overhauling of space in there. At some point. 

Add it to the list.

Winter might get here next week. Maybe I'll start wearing something other than thin wool gloves. 

maybe.

Ah well.

Not the most positive post to end the week with. But hey, life ain't always bubble gum and lolly pops, or weed and whites. Not that I'm a fan of any of those four things.

Gonna make up some XTOL developer, send some emails, sort out a few other issues, make a better plan for Monday, maybe just try and leave early for the hell of it. Esp if I'm sitting like this...

But tomorrow is saturday. Take a day off, Sunday will hopefully hit the trails on the MTB. 

And Monday the crazy starts. 

heddwch
G

Storm coming

 But mostly rain.

Honestly digging all this rain. 

Except for the part of riding the rain bike messing up my left butt.

weird. Rode the Crockett, still covered in Hartford mud and clay. Need to resolve that. Need to put gears on there too, maybe road tires? Maybe?

Lots to do, lots to work on.

And the film shit showed up and now it is time to get my ass in gear, but not force it too much.

Photos...  photos of what? People? Trees? landscapes? Not sure, but I've always been more of a landscape photo person, but then, it isn't much different than street photography. Shot a couple frames that are solid street, but with a cool tree.

I'm finding I shoot with just one camera, I don't think to shoot with the phone camera and the film camera, one, or the other. Strange? Maybe. Keeps the moment unique, no crossover means no comparison and remember kids, comparison is the thief of joy.

Take care of yourself...

be kind, you don't have to be nice, but you do need to be kind, being nice but not kind is the worst.

heddwch

G

lets jump back to bikes for a minute

 With this... still wiping tears from my eyes...

That ending scene with his dad, wishing I had a moment like that with mine. Hoping to share a moment like that with my children perhaps. 

The dichotomy of GeWilli, doing everything so much always je suis seul

Is that the legacy of my existance... seul... 

Perhaps it is, but of course there is the schism within that wants anything but that, clash of opposites.

The battery tweak didn't work for more than one photo on the ride in. Went to grab a second and it shifted and didn't work. 

Fixed it now perhaps, perhaps I leave soon and capture some of the evening light, perhaps.

My butt still hurt last night, from the bike, just the left side, feels fine now, and wasn't as bad through the night but it wasn't great. Dry so I took the Black Blue, perhaps that will sort things out. 

We'll see tomorrow. Maybe my body got used to not riding. This isn't a great development, but perhaps one to work on solving, as I work on moving forward. 

Mike Foley died yesterday it seems. Sudden and unexpected heart attack. Such a force, such a crazy but always smiling person. Met him in person back in 2010, maybe before, but def then. I thought there were photos of us, but no just a photo he took of me. 

He posted something a few days ago that really struck a chord, so good, so on point...  and I'm glad he was at least at the 5/6 mark. I want to guess that you can't do better than that, and just getting there is a huge achievement of perspective. 

Going to try and add it in here as an image because his account is locked up...  and I feel pretty honored to have been let into his private space, that he was willing to share it all with me. haven't seen him, like so many, for so long. 

Life, ah this brief and crazy temporal existence.

Heddwch
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film

Dammit. Both the Pentax and The Leica R3 have film. The Leica is set for ASA/EI of 50, means it probably has the Tech pan film. Of which I've been reading about tonight since finding that out, it's annoying to process and it's worked for me because I've always used D-19. Don't think you can get that anymore. And besides I already ordered the worst developer for the film. I think maybe I cut losses and wind the film back up and save it for when I go with a different developer. 

But first I'm going to shoot a roll of the TMax 400 (at 400) on the Canon AE -1. It also has film on it. Really old color. ASA set to 200 but it's a roll of 100 and everyone's pretty sure the camera back was opened. Probably should toss the film. I'm don't want to play with color, yet.

But new batteries in the Leica and cleaned up and ready. Then finally camera 4 (how and more importantly why do I have four old mostly manual, film cameras?

The Yashica at least has a 28-85 macro zoom, pretty cool actually. The Leica only has a macro 50/2.8, the Canon a 50/1.8 and a cheap 80-205/4.5 zoom lens.

Then there's the Pentax. That's really my camera. The go to, the one with the array of great lenses and a shitty zoom of course. 

I mean there is the busted Olympus OM-10. Something mechanically is wrong with it. Guessing it's lens won't work with any of these. The Canon is the most automatic. The Leica can do some of the same but the Yashica and the Pentax are light meter only, and I only really ever shot the Leica I'm manual mode. 

But there's new film coming, compatible with the developer I bought, and the TMax works with this developer. 

Oh and the PENTAX also has film in it. 200ASA/ISO/EI so who knows what the fuck film is in there. Or from when. Or what is on those first 14 frames.  But since it is not at 50 it probably isn't tech pan.

And why? What am I doing? Taking photos, with film. For what purpose?

I think maybe to just get back to the art of it. Make each photo more precious?

We'll see.

Maybe the snow will help with the inspiration and photos.

And hopefully the path will be clear and I've free tomorrow.

Heddwch

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Riding bikes and taking photos

 

And listening to music and dealing with teaching and helping take photos of the tiniest shit.

Life. 

I keep forgetting to send KF a text about his snow photos, a smart ass comment along the lines of snow always looks good in black and white - no blue tint... but then I forget and like maybe I should just text now but posting here feels more meta.

Took a few more shots this morning. Roll almost gone. Had idea that I shoot the next two rolls of the TMax on different cameras. The Cannon maybe next? Then either the Leica or the Spotmatic. But kind of thinking maybe saving the Spot for the new film. Because why not? I don't know.

Maybe we'll actually get some snow and I can go out and get a few high contrast structure photos to end the roll.

Chemicals are on the way. Will need to truck home some DI water for the rinse and for making up the chemicals. Went through the "where do I order it all from" that penis shape prime place actually had almost nothing in stock or at crazy prices. Then looked at Adorama and that place was out of stock on a few things and exactly the same price as B&H and well that last one had it all and that's enough for me. Probably didn't need to order 100 neg sleeves but they were only a few bucks more $ than 25 sleeves. Probably should have just gotten 25 but my daddy taught me to always look at the unit price. or something. Also, I kind of hope that I will maybe shoot that many. Just have to watch the bottom line. Shit might get expensive. Threw a few rolls of film on there, the least expensive. I do want to try that CineStillXX stuff and the Illfod PanF and the JCH film, but they are all boutique, aka expensive. HP5+ seems pretty popular, likely for a good reason, but I can't shake my TechPan affinity. 

I guess I should really find a mirror (that isn't a bathroom) to shoot the photographer selfie with the film thing before this roll runs out on the Yashica. 

Rode bikes Sunday. Hit the dirt! For a good long ride. That of course the wahoo died on.

Of course.

But friday and saturday night I was woken up with that dreaded pain in the left butt. Seat height. Right? I wrote about it here and then said I'd remember if I wrote about it but now I'm still doubting but hopefully fixing. 

I knew that something was not quite right on the Surly and up until last week I had been okay riding it once or at most twice a week, basically only if it was going to be wet. It has basically been wet every day almost and well, I've been on the Surly and well i've got that pain in the ass that doesn't show up until I'm sleeping and in the morning. Goes away all day until sleeping. But only happens if I'm on a bike with too high of a seatpost I guess. Different than too far forward of a saddle/seat angle. Also different than cranks that are too short. 

Surly saddle was 6mm high vs Crockett and so, I dropped it this morning. Now kind of want to check the top fuel because of the long ride on Sunday on that. Maybe too tall? STILL? Also need to service the Dropper. There's some stiction in the mech and it would be nice if it was all smooth again. 

Ride was good, but I still am missing a good bit of punch. That said the nearly 3 hours of riding actually felt pretty good, not bad. Wish I was faster and the hills hurt but the duration was managable. So that's not the worst.

My ears are getting better, haven't taken any of the OTC stuff since the PE on sunday AM. 

Kind of mind blowing that classes start again next week. Gotta a lot to prepare for. 

Need to remember to bring the one 1.5mm wrench home that I can put my hands on easily to get the pump battery swapped but it gave me the chance to use the Tubi 2 stage as a pump and I have to say - i really like it. Half thinking about putting the tubi pump head on the digital pump. That or putting it on a valved inflator for the compressor.

Maybe bring it to the shop.

Really wanted to ride on the Road Saturday but man I can't do 7 days in a row and MTB > road. Gonna need to take a mental health day mid-week soon, if the weather cooperates and we aren't about ready to get into 6 weeks of snow and shit.

Okay now that I've reached the rambling phase it is time to stop. Fingers crossed the pain is gone tonight and the tweak to the position works.

Heddwch
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And it begins

 

So, yeah. I loaded up a roll of film. Still haven't sorted a battery for the Nikon 6006, or the Canon AE-1 or my old faithful Pentax Spotmatic. But the Yashika that hitchhiked back from VA with me takes those 44 batteries. Ideally the SR but Dollar Tree only has the LR44, alkaline is fine. At that price esp. Needed batteries for the Topeak pump anyway.

Loaded the roll of expired TMax 400 up in there. Might be slightly overexposing with the light meter, but hopefully not too much. The phone app is showing it a stop too bright. BUT hopefully that's fine. I don't really want to pull process anything yet. But I guess if it consistently one direction I can do that. Or just tweak the ISO rating so the spot meter works better (it is center weighted only and may not be super reliable). 

But it has been fun to get back into it. Except now I will need to process it soon and for that I need chemicals and for that I need to get off my butt and order stuff, or buy stuff, or use some of a former student's chemicals in his darkroom that he set up after taking my class and getting hooked on black and white photography. I really don't want to mail this stuff in, and I do kind of want to just be able to process it myself when I'm done with the roll. Don't want to wait the weeks it takes to mail in the film. Although maybe I should do the mail in thing with a service that also scans the images.

SO MANY OPTIONS. And then what's next for the film? What film do I try after these rolls.  Or do I try and fire up one of the other cameras? WHO KNOWS. But it is good and the contemplating processing and chemicals has been good. Although it reminds me it has been 17.5 years since I've been in a darkroom/played with chemicals. Damn it has been a long time. 

But I have most all the stuff I need to do the processing. I've got an ancient old Minolta film scanner, might even have an old computer that will work. Not the best resolution but it should be good enough to scan and post (until I take the next step and start printing). Yes I have the enlarger and everything. 

Shooting the last two days I've more or less just taken the standard shots on the commute. I did manage to do something I've never done before. Lose a lens cap. I've had a track record going back to my first camera of never losing a lens cap. 

So it was kind of funny.  I thought the cap just was in my backpack when I pulled it out of the back with not lens cap. It is one of those that easily gets knocked off. So NBD. Got to work, looked through the bag, no cap. WTF? I laughed. And thought 'it figures, first time using it, lose it' and then riding home, in the dark, in the rain I stopped at the 3rd photo location, and where I first noticed it missing, and looked all over with the headlight. Nope. Not there. Rode down to the 2nd stop. Started looking around, nope, and then I noticed something very regularly shaped in the grass, and black, and there i was, sitting waiting for me to find it.

I have the cap now. 

And still a few shots left before the end of the roll. Trying to be conservative with the photos, but also kind of want to just shoot the whole damn thing and process right away. But not having chemicals is helping with the patience thing and pacing and and all that.

Also, Breck Epic. SO WANT TO DO THAT RACE. See also Transylvania Epic. But man those are pricey. Maybe next year.

8 months of kid at home then the youngest is off to her dream college. Maybe things will open up after all that.

Now that I'm finally old and shit. Just another old guy trying to do shit he never was able to do in his prime. Such is life eh?

Tomorrow is also the 18th anniversary of me calling the boss here at the current job and talking about it before actually getting it. First contact. And here I am still at this place. Doesn't pay well but how does the joke go, there are good benefits? I also like what I do, even if it gets stressful sometimes. Just kind of wish we still had a darkroom but fuck, everything is digital. And yeah, maybe I just better get a digital black and white camera, film is just so... film. 

But man did I really like it at one point. So many home made pinhole cameras. So many negatives somewhere. 

Bikes, might not get out on the bike tomorrow, might need a day off. Maybe my ear will clear up and I'll be able to hear too. Who knows.

It has been a week, craziest 4 day work week all year!

heddwch
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Double dose

 Did I mention I've been on a bit of a Stromae kick? Sure, I've heard the dance anthem a billion times, why? BECAUSE IT IS SO GOOD ( Alors on danse) I'm sure you have too.

The latest stuff is also magic, but the old stuff is still absolutely gold.

This one prompted me to share it. Document. And DAMN IF IT AINT ALL THAT!

More so now that that other guy has taken over the show. WOW what a mess.

 

Also, the whole reading other blog posts: Jill's latest hit me pretty solidly in the feelings. Read it and I'm sure you'll make the connection. Funny that I saw that just as Alex's latest O offering rolled out on the promo bus

And man my ears are ringing and full of cotton. I can hear the music just fine but not anyone talking at me from outside the office. They pop and crackle a bit but just don't want to clear out, no matter how many fluids I drink or what I do. Might be time to try a different OTC med to clear it. 

gratitude. for the bloggers out there still blogging, the genuine ones. Like Jill and Stevil, even Janice who's been somewhat regular web logger. I love listening to music on the youtubes, and listening to audio books, yet I can't get into audiobooks, and in the same page I love reading what people have written, real stuff, but still don't mind consuming the micro blogs that twitter and visuals IG happen. Not sure that makes sense. 

Felt right writing it but hey who knows. Def not getting the effortless prose you find at Jill's or the carefully crafted mix of news, feelings and promo and cool shit at Stevil's. 

Such is life.

heddwch
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reading other blogs makes me remember

 Things that happened that I meant to get down but didn't because I forgot until I read their post.

It would be so much better if everyone was blogging like it was 2008.

Or maybe not. Would certainly change the digital landscape. 

And remember. Jeopardy isn't just a know your answers show, it is a beat two other people with your fast fingers AND know the answer. You might be able to run every category but if you don't ring in first, you won't get that chance.

It was Stevil's post that derailed the train of work. I had it open from much earlier today. Saw that he had posted the link, clicked on it. Let it fester while work got up to speed and in a tiny lull, instead of sending an email, I read it. And here I am. I totally forgot about the hypnosis part of office space, arguably the most critical part and I forgot it. https://allhailtheblackmarket.com/2023/01/life-is-funny/ 

What hit me, was the realization that last night i wasn't falling asleep wondering if I was going to wake up. Haven't since coming home from 'home' in Seattle. 

On the flight we had some absolutely brutal turbulance. Of course it hit just after the drinks and snacks were handed out so suddenly soda was flying and half eaten bags of pretzels were airborne the flight attendant was tossed and he wound up sitting in an empty seat bracing the drink cart hard as we were on some insanely violent ride. 

And I thought, if this is it, well, this is it, I'm okay with that. Sure, there's pretty much never been a plane taken out by turbulent air, I know that. These planes are designed to withstand shit that would scare the crap out of the most stoic passenger. And yeah the pilots don't want to die any more than any of the helpless passengers (usually, hijacking aside). So logically it isn't a big deal. And I KNOW I'm taunting the demons and precariously bringing back the previous state of mind saying this, but since that, that weird moment of calm, I've been much better about that whole death thing. The realization that, much like I posted on my birthday when i turned 50. This is it. There is nothing else. 

Kind of a little bit too deep of a thought maybe. And I'll keep tracking it a bit, but that moment on the plane, a kind of weird hypnotic peace kind of fell over me. 

And it isn't bad.

Hey maybe it is finally feeling a little more rested. Being sick and unable to do much isn't the worst for recovery, but I have slipped a long way. I felt not bad riding with Betty on the 30th, but riding with Syl yesterday, I definitely felt the loss of fitness. 

As I said on the strava comment, I'm looking forward to the riding it will take to rebuilt the fitness lost during the sickness. 

Because it is going to take a LOT.

Okay, back to the grind, coming in a bit later may not have helped my cause of being productive but it was helpful mentally. It was a really nice ride in. Quiet, smooth, pretty much no one else out there. No one going my direction at any speed.

have a fabulous day

heddwch
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Sunday, wait it is Monday evening thoughts

Got out on the bike. On the MTB. Syl agreed to join me and we got there after driving over in rain. The rain had mostly turned to snow but the time we started and the trails were still frozen enough to not be muddy.

Felt good to be on the bike.

Feeling better. Ears still clogged, still a little sinus garbage, but really sleeping almost normally (going to bed hyper hydrated not withstanding). 

I have been to work one day this year. And honestly it is pretty nice. The being sick part, not so much. But this all means I've got basically zero time to get about a months worth of work done in a week and a half. And for some reason, I'm not worried about it at all. 

Saw this, good reminder. It's something that I've incorporated pretty effectively but it's nice to see what my standard procedure has become wired down so well. 

https://medium.com/@chrismayhew/what-to-do-when-you-cant-do-what-you-normally-do-6a3168898753

More of a full post sometime. We'll see when. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. 

G

made it in

 in the drizzle a bit, 

ride was fine. no big deal. 

but i'm def still pretty f'n tired. 

two nights of sleep doesn't really quite make up for 10+ days of exhaustion. Yeah, sounds funny coming from the guy who stays up for days at a time racing bikes. But two, three days, even four or five is one thing. Throw in a week, illness and fuck, this shit is beyond me. 

Kind of wish I had a couch in my office, or maybe even a hammock. If I thought a wall anchor would support the end of it with me in it, I might have one up now. But pretty sure these aluminum stud walls with thin rock on it won't, would need more than just the stud to anchor in to. 

Listened to this a minute ago...  

The interview... there's a few ND traits showing up there, I haven't always been a Tom Waits fan, and some stuff I like more than others but I respect the holy hell out of him and what he's done. 

Also made me wonder about Diner griddles, are they gas like the grills? Probably eh? Kind of funny watching the flak fly. Accidentally waded in to the fray w/o understanding what was building and releasing. 

File gas appliances along with guns, both of which you'll have to pry out of "cold dead hands" it seems.

Never woulda thunk it... although basically anything that the one party starts trying to phase out for the good of people/planet/whatever the other claims is essential to life liberty and freedom. Kind of can't wait for them to do this to something so fucking stupid and silly that everyone looks at the CDH group and just walks away ignoring them a bridge too far on their false outrage.

What do to, what to do.

This was really good:
https://youtu.be/D30Z0OToWgI

And in much much less good news, if you have missed it and feel like helping literally the best human (ask anyone who has met him) the most gentle, kind, generous soul there is, click through and send him a few bucks. It will help.

https://gofund.me/4a06281c

Dave gave us a guest lead from Firefly, I forget if it was coincidence or on purpose but he got us from the old place and out of the city and headed to Zanc's shop cleanly. Much more cleanly than would have been possible. I was using Jack (from Legend's) fancy big mapping Garmin, loaned for the occasion. Reading through this was pretty funny.

Another time I rode into Boston, one of my Birthday rides IIRC. I forgot that Goldberg was there, and all the crazy shit we did that day. And I TOTALLY had no memory of busting a spoke or that Wilcox actually replaced the spoke at BBS. He's truly a legend.

Final archive link: http://www.gewilli.com/2011/04/postmortem.html some wilcox content there too

I'm probably heading home early. Tired. Def need to get more hydration in me here, congestion isn't worse but isn't getting better. 

Maybe I'll take tomorrow off just because I can... and still need the rest.

we'll see

heddwch
G

this is unfamiliar

Can't remember the last time I was this sick. Maybe'18? '17? Maybe not since sober or maybe, definitely nothing from the start of the pandemic till now. Plenty of oh I wonder if I'm sick, nah just tired. Nothing like a raging sinus infection too fuck things up. First by cutting my sleep that I'm already really short of and trying to adjust to a different time zone, do that a few nights in a row and then take a red eye as the congestion worsens. Hey of the plane with no voice. Incapacitated after getting home. Managed to do weekly shopping, tough when I did need to say something yesterday, coughing, nose going from dripping yellow stuff to stuffed up. Throat going from tolerable to painful. Lungs still clear at the moment. Did get some guaifenisen but when that 4hr window rolls around it sucks. They are def helping and I'll feeling kind of marginally better but so tired.

Stayed home from work today. Will again tomorrow at this rate unless I wake up miraculously better. Finally can do this without pushing the return because I'm not alone in the faculty anymore.

Coffee? Went from maybe too much but not sure to oh hello what? At at least 33% less coffee than normal, maybe more. Blessing in disguise? Dunno, is rather have the coffee and this illness.

AND NO BIKE. No pedaling. Maybe that's why I'm falling apart? No energy to get on the bike today. Not at all. Not good. But it makes sense and I'm not worrying about it. 

I mean it could be L's cold thing she got, and it took me until second round of travel to wear everything down enough to let it slip through. It isn't covid tho so that's a relief.

But it still sucks. 

Sinus pressure is less than last night, at the moment. So that's good. But we'll see. Gotta stick it out till 11 when I'm due for the next dose. If watch the college game but no ESPN. So will suffice with swiping a quick post on the phone post shower.

This is strange, I don't like it, but hopefully can come out of it soon... I'd like to get back on the bike and in the woods.

Heddwch

G

PacNW visit

 Usually when I'm here this time of the year it is for Yuletide concerts. Me, showing up, staying up immediately until at least midnight and then progressively later, spending hours a day in the car, eating sporadically dealing with sound check and the down time and the set up and pack out and moving on to the next place.

Never time to be here at home. And when I say home I say the place I grew up, my childhood house. Is it home? In the where my home is now? not really. But 'home' is still the best simple descriptor and isn't wrong. It feels good to be here.

But kind of like the last trip, sleep is elusive, in large part to the 3hr time difference and my body wanting to be awake at 3-4 in the morning but not having gone to sleep until 10 or 11pm local time, well...  it is also just so tired that it wants to keep sleeping. And the coffee situation is different, but it is just me drinking it, but gauging how much to make and suddenly it is noon and I've had three french presses made too strong and still feel the need for more coffee.

Time here has been good though. In spite of the exhaustion and the driving the first few days. Yesterday finally we didn't spend hours in the car. Nothing is close here. On the other side there are a big pile of people I really want to see, some I haven't met IRL, most probably busy until I leave. That's the peril of showing up and being here during the work week no where near seattle where everyone seems to live.

But I've seen my brothers, I've played with the babies, I saw my sister's new house. I've walked on trails I've walked around the farm, we've driven way north to look at puppies. Drove across the bridges with full Mt Rainer on display, saw the totally white peak of Mt Baker, saw both the Cascades and the Olympics at the same time. Still no ferry trip. Hopefully tomorrow. Busy day of driving tomorrow but it will be with my mother, get to meet her new cardiologist and drive her around. But together. 

There is this place called banner forest. It was never a thing before I left. Now it is a trail runner mecca and sounds like a few MTBs ride it. It is buff and smooth and all blue and green trails but it is just over a mile away (up and down one of the steeper hills around). Walked there yesterday with my mother, heading over to walk there in a few minutes. 

Last night was the worst night though, wound up with my sinuses packing full and feeling kind of terrible, and felt like i'd wake up, roll over, then the next thing I knew i was waking up and rolling over the other way, endlessly. Feeling better after downing a bunch of water and getting some coffee in and taking it easy. Now just feeling tired. 

It is peaceful here but so far the restful side has been elusive but that's not why I'm here, I'm here to spend time with my mother and stepfather, help a little here and there, but mostly just really spending time together. 

I'm grateful for this chance and this opportunity. I can work on recovering when I get back.

heddwch
G

at least

 i'm not a commercial content maker.

this seems bad, really bad. Do pro bike racer VLogs count as commercial video? They are undoubtedly promotional videos and i'm sure some of them are shot on federal park land. From what this sounds like they'd need to get a permit before shooting the videos.

yeah these guys seem a little off in some ways but not in others, a good balance, professional is probably the better way to put it.

but I have found their videos about Lake Mead informative and entertaining and it reminds me of fishing with my dad. We used to fish A LOT with him as kids. The fishing suited him, it was a quiet activity, but one with a goal, and honestly a bit competitive. Plus there were four of us brothers, so when you have a limit, 5 people can get a lot of fish. And before he left for the East coast the two of us would fish together because I was the only one old enough. My dad and I spent many many HOURS sitting silently fishing in the boat. Kind of set up our relationship of silence.

One I try to break with my kids but I'm also discovering that I'm really shit at having conversations. Okay with teaching and talking about specifics and facts and stuff but just talking about shit, not so much.

Sorry this web log has gotten a bit, well, deep and personally introspective. At some point I'll turn it around and face out and engage.

Hopefully soon.

Heddwch
G

Here's a link to the rules: https://www.nps.gov/aboutus/news/commercial-film-and-photo-permits.htm

looks kind of unambiguous but IDK 

Usually I'm okay

 But every once in a while things fall apart. 

The not riding is not helping. The inconsistent coffee. There's nothing left in the pot when I come back for some and then I have to make a whole one and then drink more than a cup, but then want to come back to it and there's no more (more people drinking it here). And, well, it has been a bit of a problem mostly in that I really can't judge how much I'm drinking. I need it but then can't tell if I've had too much until about 11pm until 6am. 

Happy Jolly capitalism indoctrination day

 Wishing y'all a big happy holiday. 

I hope you're warm, happy, or at least have coffee and some peace.

It can be a tough season, I don't get to call my Dad and wish him Merry Christmas in Welsh. 

I still think far too much that each moment and second is precious and then get despondant that I'm not absorbing it all in and then depressed and overwhelmed with a panic attack that this is it and when my brain stops working I stop being and then there's nothing left. And so yeah, unintentionally giving myself a minor episode. 

Fun stuff. 

For now, soak it all in, be kind. Love without restraint.

Some capitalistic garbage said no one cares how much you know until the know how much you care.

I care

be well

Nadolig Llawen

heddwch
G

they say time off the bike is important

 To reset, to recover, to take a break.

Bringing the laptop, maybe i can fabricate up some work, actually, well I say that and I've already thought of a few projects I can work on. Great.

Well. such as it is. Almost packed. stuff is ready, I was ready to fall asleep at 7:30.

Probably because I got home at 3pm instead of 6-6:30 pm. 

Habits, conditioned responses. 

Really would like to give the Festive 500 a shot again. Someday. Def not this year. What would the MTB version be? 500km on the trails is a LOT maybe the Festive 250, dirty version. 

Something to think about, maybe for next year.

Weather looking pretty shit too. Massive storm coming in on Friday it looks like, plummeting temps after all that rain? Should be great. Esp as it freezes and then thaws just enough to get slick but not sloppy but them maybe thaw enough to get sloppy. Who knows. Maybe I'll have a chance to find out.

It is late for a post. 

It is what it is, I don't have a schedule or a plan for this. Never really have.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers,

Heddwch
G

changing gears

 Got started in on watching this guy's stuff. This is the second video i've watched this morning (pausing to deal with stuff - but also, honestly, professional development, esp in regards to my course I teach in the spring).  

His theme in this and the other is basically you can get as good of a black and white image from a color sensor as you can with a black and white sensor and potentially make an even better black and white photo from a color one than you can with a black and white. 

Huge perception shift for me in some ways. 

podcasts

 I listened to one just now. 1.5x speed of course. One of the people there was talking fast enough I might have been able to get away with normal speed but it was also long and I didn't have that whole amount of time to work. 

Had a thought - if I was doing this I wonder if people would have to slow my podcasts down to understand it. First assuming I can put enough words together coherently enough to make sense, second given the popularity of this smoldering 40 yard dumpster, I probably don't have to worry because no one would be listening to it.

Tomorrow's weather is going to suck. So tempted to drive but also parking and walking, I'll spend 5 minute walking in the rain times maybe 4 because of having to move the car which is basically almost as long as it would take to ride in. And belgian points or something.

There was a path in the thought that I started with and somehow lost.

maybe I'll find it on the ride home. 

maybe, but probably not.

and this is probably why no one reads this thing

heddwch
G

Static - me vs mundanes - now what

 Being told the only way to win is to play but when you're solidly neurodiverse, well on the spectrum, esp on the social interaction side, that's kind of the biggest reality check that, no, you might want what the normals have, what the mundane's show off as the way to be or whatever but you can't get there. 

And having someone, preface the you can't win if you don't play, with I know I might be coming from a place of privilege, kind of adds more sting to it.

Picked up on the PBA Season 3. Annoying but good content. Running it at 1.5 speed of course. Should have waited till Ep 10 dropped because now I don't want to wait, I like binging seasons. Not being dictated. Start with Ep 1 if you want. I rec watching at 1.5 speed but I'm an outlier. So maybe it doesn't work for everyone.

So few photos

I took none, had no one there capturing ones of me. 

It feels weird to have such a strong illogical desire to see photos of what I just did, while at the same time talking almost no photos of others myself. I don't deserve to have the occasion or event memoralized in photos. But I suppose that's the nature of solo. 

I made it to work. Morning annual physical at which my doctor was extreme flattering and happy with my checkup. I am shrinking more than I would like, my former lofty height of 6'6"is a thing of the far distant past. my current 106kg mass is probably contributing to that. 

Staying home sunday was tough but made easier by being the correct call. I should have planned to stay there Saturday night, but the alone part. It would have been very much alone vs just a few hours in the car alone on the way home. 

Maybe next time will be different. Rumor has it CXNats returns to Louisville for 2023.

I have to delve into a pile of everything now, might find more time later to get some more of this out of my head.  For now watch this.

Preferably full screen

brief wrap up

So, I raced. With the conditions I predicted two laps if I started in the way back. 

I got two laps in but only caught by Kerry and McTubbin. No one else. Second lap wasn't fast enough but it was faster than the first lap. 

Race predictor had me beating 8 people. I finished in from of 10.

Race predictor also wouldn't have staged me in last row. Minor but big difference.

Call up rankings from USAC has me predicted second to last. 

Finished 82 on a course with a ton of slick muddy sections and lots and lots of running 

They did check tires, good. Tires I put on were very much better than what was on there but could have been Limus level. Or Vittoria full mud. But even then probably not much difference.

I'm glad I did it. It def sucked getting pulled, but I knew why and hey Kerry was turning some inhuman lap times. 

Might go tomorrow, bring the jumpsuit, spectate, socialize, all the stuff I really didn't have a chance to do today.

We'll see. I'm tired but held it together today.

Full unpack later.

But yeah, I'm slow. But it was expected so I'm okay. 

Heddwch

G

today

Took a while to fall asleep.

Eventually did, woke up at 5 something, closed my eyes until 6:10 and just got up.

With this song in my head:

"East bound and down, loaded up and truckin'

A-we gonna do what they say can't be done

We've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there

I'm east bound, just watch ol' "Bandit" run

Keep your foot hard on the pedal

Son, never mind them brakes

Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make"

When I got to the Son word...

Well yeah that's not unlike something my dad would have said.

Good words of advice for CX

I'm standing here in the bike room barefoot (unheated/outside-ish) while the dog is doing her thing. At least it isn't warm. 

Had a thought sometime between the lyrics and going outside though.

I wonder if anyone else who raced the singlespeed CX race in Bend in 2009 is lining up today. 105 there, 100 today.

There are a few who raced in 2016 in AVL on the start list today. But not many.

Trying to find motivating points.

Was doing not great but ok by the end of day.

And then they posted the call-up/start list.

I'm in row 13...

THIRTEEN

Out of 13

I was in a dark destructive mood when I saw that. Here let's give Kerry and Jake a 2 minute head start just out of the gate. Yeah why not.

Heck Larry Purtil is starting a few rows in front of my. I mean good for him, very happy he's up there.

And yeah maybe if I had raced a few more USAC events my points would be higher than zero. I understand but MOTHERFUCKER WHAT THE HELL!  

Finding that but about starting dead fucking last was brutal. Really fucked me up. Sure I know I know. It's probably where I belong. Probably not far from where I'm going to finish but... Still. Seeing it there. Maybe I should have left the fat tires on.

But guess who else is back there?

Anthony Clark. I'm actually pretty stoked to line up near him, just become he's just so awesome.

And Spencer Hackett, he's there with me. Nick, fellow NBX kid, is also right there in row 12. Why? Dunno. But at least he fits in the team skinsuit. I'm gonna be in the least pro looking bullshit kit over ever raced nationals in. I do honestly really wish I had for into the team skinsuits. The XL was way too short. Couldn't stretch it over my shoulder. Over ONE shoulder. Didn't even try to get the second arm in.

Pinned my number on the jersey last night. Like a 'pro' so at least I can do one thing right.

Food? Maybe can do that right too. 

Racing? We'll see.

Fingers crossed that 44-19 (same as 42-18) works, it feels right but who knows.

It is also the first nationals I'll be racing on an actual SSCX bike.

I put the Girl Talk All Day track on this morning. 55 min ago. I cued it up last night and it helped a bit while making dinner.

'Rewound' it to start at the beginning this morning.

Have to leave in less than two hours.

Should probably get on with the routine.

I wonder what the course is going to be like today.

Same game plan tho. Ride like fucking hell. There's going to be 100 people between me and the guys hunting me down. I just have to race to the line every fucking lap. Been told they are only pulling after the finish. Going to be a brutal few laps 

At least it isn't Ashville. It's pretty flat. But still those run-ups are going to hurt.

Best get at it.

Heddwch

G

damnit

 Probably shouldn't have hit play and left autoplay on...

As much as the original is untouchable, I hate to admit I like this version even more.

Adam Fucking Myerson won his race.

A bright spot in the day.

CTodd did really well.

Paulie B made it on the lead lap in his race.

Happy for those people I know. Almost called them friends. But, people that I know feels like a better label. 

There's a department holiday party upstairs, beer, wine, maybe food, but also people.

I should go up but I can't get out of the office.

So I'm sitting here trying to catch up with all the backlog, trying not to email.

AWE MOTHERFUCKER

guess what just started playing...

no, seriously, guess...

San Luis.... https://youtu.be/7BJ7MDOmLPE

I tried to cue that song up for him on my last few hours with him. Wanted to share the song that captured his favorite part of the country. The place he chose to live. 

I couldn't. No cell coverage. that one spot, worse cell coverage than out in rural Kitsap county... 

Yeah, well, here i am....

fuck. 

The Eye...

 not listening so much to the lyrics but the gorgeous melody and perfect harmonies

If it wasn't enough

 to be all 'worked up' about racing tomorrow...

I've been thinking about what today is. 

Had another I'm an idiot moment

 As in what the FUCK am I doing even thinking about lining up for the Singlespeed Championship race tomorrow?

Like as in Seriously. W.T.F!

and we progress

 perhaps, or we persist. 

Ice weasels was Saturday. Headed out, drove the 2 hrs there, walked the course in the rain, saw a few folks, def thin, light attendance, lots of no shows but still a good number racing. 

Mud tires were a good choice. Other than i had little to no confidence turning on them, but that is maybe more me than anything else. Straight line they had fabulous traction in all the slop and slick conditions, and they broke free predictably enough. But those downhill sweepers got in my head. I think I probably could have gone faster, should have at least, but didn't. Still worked pretty damn hard, sprinted at the end, didn't win any raffle prizes, drove home in the dark, for two hours. Called a few people after the book ended. 

Tried to take sunday as a rest day, it worked pretty well. HVR on monday was as good as I've ever seen it. And still only good, right in the middle. Today was average. Yesterday was normal, long, bike commute, making dinner, that stuff. This morning, same HRV (almost) as Sunday AM. But at least my HR isn't too bad, 45-47, not bad for an old guy who doesn't train properly or live like an athlete.

Gonna be a lot of driving between now and next monday, but hey we drove to Boston for three HOCR days in a row. Hartford is a little farther tho. Had thought maybe to do the drop off here at 1pm, drive to Hartford and try and get back here by 4pm. But it is mapping out at an 85 minute drive. 10 minutes to park, get to the boathouse and back to the car and drive back? And hope the return trip takes the same amount of time? Yeah no good. Whats the point of driving out there all the way to not see the course or anyone while there. Also, unless they let me into the special dropoff/pickup area there was no way I could even run from the parking lot to the boathouse in 10 minutes, much less run there, get packet and then back to the car in that time. It might be a good venue for racing but it is absolutely shit to get to and park at. Like horrible. 

So Thursday it is. 

And me sitting here in the car, trying to relax, trying to conserve energy, recover, making an attempt to manage my constant fatigue, making an attempt to minimize exersion. Still gonna be a bit stressful trying to get home, not terrible, but not gonna be fun, then there’s the cooking of dinner that has to happen. 

Such is life. GeWilli disrupting the gender roles since forever ago.

Ice Weasels. The bike was good, putting the 22t cog on there and the old chain was a smart move. TIres also. It would have been miserable and impossible with the 19t and the 38 slicks. 

Most people with disc brakes blew through them, down to the metal backing plate. Because hydros, esp SRAM have almost no clearance and the mud was so wet and sandy it more or less just ground both down over the race. My mechanical TRPs were fucking perfect. The dual sided piston movement means that they pull back, quite a bit. So the only wear was when they were actually being used. And I knew what was in store so I looked at the pads before the race, by eye I couldn’t tell the before and after difference. The bike was coated in mud. Cleaned it off, overhauled the pedals (took the pedal body off the spindle, packed it full of finishline grease, put it back together), cleaned and re-greased the non-driveside BB bearing and just cleaned everything, brush, compresed air and pledge. Got the Fast wheels with the 19t back on the bike and it is ready to go. 

I’ll throw up the photos soon, i’m offline right now. 

Been trying to just be, a bit more. Kind of working.

Words just not flowing at the moment. Need to pause and? Maybe come back to it before too long.

--

was a long wait, wound up just listening to some more Reacher. 

But somehow I got home completely wiped out. Driving? or that specific driving. or the waiting. Something wore me out.

heddwch
G

What is the difference between love and time

 it is a riddle deep in a short story by a fabulous author:

https://www.tor.com/2022/11/23/the-difference-between-love-and-time-catherynne-m-valente/

You should read it. You probably won't. That's okay. I only read it because It is quiet, a slightly odd friday, after a long week.

Now what have I gotten myself into

 Of course i finally read the tech guide for CX nats.

Guess I should maybe plan on going over one of the days to check it out before saturday and pick up my number and wristband and all that. But WHEN and with what car? Two car and three drivers is fun. 

But now I have idea.

Hmm, throwing up a random hail mary.

The idea is equipment drop off requires a wrist band. You can't get a wrist band from equipment drop off but to get the wrist band you have to go to the entrance or packet pick up and thus kind of the circular logic failing for those who aren't arriving early and might be treating Saturday as any other normal day. With miles of walking between car and race course. okay not miles but still pretty far away. Course is only open for practice for 20min at Noon. Not sure how it is going to work to get properly prepared w/o a team tent or support or a trainer or help. But at least there's time to get there early, pick up packet, go back to car get stuff get to course for pre-ride, get back to car, eat, warm up, final prep, get back to course. 

But hey, it won't be anything new or different than it might have been at Providence or worse day two of Ashville where I was literally miles from the start with the car.

And all that isn't even the point of the title. I think I want to submit a gallery proposal for an installation that isn't finished yet, a bare few samples into the whole process. BUT I do have plenty of example works to present alone with the one I have started on.

Downside? It is a lot of work to finish in the next two days with not much time to do it in, and well I should be working on that now instead of this and the above about the race and getting there and those logistics.

Would be easier if I had a car to use for the day. And while that's still an option, I'd rather not deal with that added challenge.

Okay so all that, and everything else. Oh and ice weasels. And Tires. Fucking tires. I forget what I did last year. But i'm honestly just thinking fuck it - leave the same damn ones on there. Probably the wrong ones but they are 38s and by the end of the day the course will be packed down to the point where the basically file tread will be functional. maybe Nationals will be the same too. Damn kind of wish the PDX had showed up. maybe they will.

Ugh SO MUCH.

But really not so much. It is pretty clear and approachable. Except for the mountain of everything else not mentioned.

And adding the proposal to the mix really kind of tips it into the oh shit meter. But I'm okay, just kind of overwhelmed and wondering how to get it done, as I sit here and type on the web log not getting it done.

If you haven't seen it yet, grab 5 min and watch this:

Danny at his best, it is smooth and impressive even if it doesn't always seem so.

Now I need to finish up my 'lunch' break by swapping the creaky alloy post from the Crossrip+ with a new Carbon one with offset.

Going to put off actually eating lunch until after the next meeting. Maybe I'll get through the afternoon more productively.

Amor Fati Motherfuckers

heddwch
G

when writing hits hard

 So, what I wanted to do over lunch was read something. Something new. Something not professionally polished but almost there, something worth while but not crazy curated. 

I wanted to spend lunch doing what we might have done 15 years ago. Reading blogs. Read a post, go to the next one, read another post. go to the next one, maybe comment, maybe not. No like button, no thumbs up.

Just reading. 

Doomscrolling and reading was somewhat possible on twitter or facebook but those are too active. You can't really stuff your face with a salad, and click and scroll and eat. Youtube is possible but I'm not seeing anything on there to watch that i want to right now. Nothing grabbing at my attention. 

So I opened up all the tabs. Lots of dead pages, some decent content, a pondering about an Art page and wondering how much it costs to get them to pay attention to something (probably a fuck ton, in my perspective aka probably chump change for most), and then so, many, empty, blogs. And Jill's page went private, and that was sad, I hadn't read the last post because I was saving it for a time like this, where I needed to read. Like compelled, needed. Not just wanted.

So I kept closing tabs. tab after tab. The Ryan Kelly posted something about a car, and all the cars some guy bought last year. Drives home that resource inequity point, and provided a glimmer of hope that maybe we'll see more like that. But many of the regulars whos blog hasn't gone offline, still aren't posting. 

stevil has been doing a great job of being regular but even then, because he's set a defined schedule, it often doesn't feel genuine, feels kind of forced. He pretty much has admitted to that in the past. 

not many others. 

and some that do, well sometimes I am not in a mindset to read or the first few lines keep me from going further.

one of those is often: https://citsb.com/  That has been changing and evolving over the years. A distinctive and unique and usually raw series of stories. 

The first three up there right now hit home pretty hard today for some reason. But it was good to read. And first instinct was to share on one of the bazillion social platforms. But I paused and thought, no, I'm going to put this into long form. I'm going to skip trying to pack all these words above here into ~280 characters or less and let it flow a bit. 

At the same time it should would be nice if everyone got back to taking a few minutes to put words down. So we can read them. Because it is a much better way to communicate than with a curated blurb or a single photo. Both are good, but also very different. 

And if it is written down I can read it at my pace (not slow) w/o having to find the playback speed. And the reality of it is, I can't always listen to stuff. Music works while I'm working. But when I take a break I want to read. It is different.

Also a quick clarification. Ge, Gewilli, graywilli even (for one person specifically)...  not Greg (yeah I can't explain it either), Geo (he's way faster than me, smarter and lives in NZ), or Will (my cousin and others, but not me)... but to be totally fair, it also doesn't matter. And on that topic of the letter G. I did learn how to write it cursive. But fuck me if writing it like that ever made sense. Not sure I could scribble it correctly anymore. Like almost immediately my signature started with a big G looking shape. Never that however you write it (not sure there's an Ascii -just checked- nope), but i guess you can check the General Mills cereal box. Maybe that's my first subconscious avoidance, distance from boxed and packaged cereals.

Speaking of - reminds me about laundry detergent. Can we just rewind 25 years and go back to that box of Powdered Tide/All/Whatever? You know the Cardboard box with the handle in the lid, the one you had to make sure to dissolve in the water before putting clothes in? The precursor to the watered product in the plastic container? 

Progress? or Regress?

Theme eh?

heddwch
G